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watch chain was so massive that a fancy came across me that he ought to have a golden arm to draw it out with like those which are put up over the shops he was got up with such care and was so stiff that he could hardly bend himself being obliged when he glanced at some papers on his desk after sitting down in his chair to move his whole body from the bottom of his like punch i had previously been presented by my aunt and had been courteously received he now said and so mr you think of entering into our profession i casually mentioned to miss when i had the pleasure of an interview with her the other day with another inclination of his body punch again that there was a here miss was good enough to mention that she had a nephew who was her peculiar care and for whom she was seeking to provide in life that nephew i believe i have now the pleasure of punch again i bowed my and said my aunt had mentioned to me that there was that opening and that i believed i should like it very much that i was strongly inclined to like it and had taken immediately to the proposal that i could not absolutely pledge myself to like it until i knew something more about it that although it was little else than a matter of form i presumed i should have an opportunity of trying how i liked it before i bound myself to it oh surely surely said mr we always in this house propose a month an month i should be happy myself to propose two months three an indefinite period in fact but i have a partner mr and the sir i returned is a thousand pounds and the stamp included is a thousand pounds said mr as i have mentioned to miss i am by no considerations few men are less so i believe but i the personal history and experience mr has his opinions on these subjects and i am bound to respect mr s opinions mr thinks a thousand pounds too little in short i suppose sir said i still desiring to spare my aunt that it is not the custom here if an clerk were particularly useful and made himself a perfect master of his profession i could not help blushing this looked so like myself i suppose it is not the custom in the later years of his time to allow him any mr by a great effort just lifted his head far enough out of his to shake it and answered the word salary no i will not say what consideration i might give to that point myself if i were mr is immovable i was quite dismayed by the idea of this terrible but i found out afterwards that he was a mild man of a heavy temperament whose place in the business was to keep himself in the back ground and be constantly exhibited by name as the most and of men if a clerk wanted his salary raised mr wouldn t listen to such a proposition if a were slow to settle his bill of costs mr was resolved to have it paid and however painful these things might be and always were to the feelings of mr ir would have his bond the heart and hand of the good angel would have been always open but for the demon as i have grown older i think i have had experience of some other houses doing business on the principle of and it was settled that i should begin my month s as soon as i pleased and that my aunt need neither remain in town nor return at its as the articles of agreement of which i was to be the subject could easily be sent to her at home for her signature when we had got so far mr offered to take me into court then and there and show me what sort of place it was as i was willing enough to know we went out with this object leaving my aunt behind who would trust herself she said in no such place and who i think regarded all courts of law as a sort of powder mills that might blow up at any time mr conducted me through a paved formed of grave brick houses which i inferred from the doctors names upon the doors to be the official abiding places of the learned of whom had told me and into a large dull room not unlike a chapel to my thinking on the left hand the upper part of this room was off from the rest and there on the two sides of a raised platform of the horse shoe form sitting on easy old fashioned dining room chairs were sundry gentlemen in red gowns and grey whom i found to be the doctors over a little desk like a pulpit desk in the curve of the horse shoe was an old gentleman whom if i had seen him in an i should certainly have taken for an owl but who i learned was the judge in the space within the horse shoe lower than these that is to say on about the level of the floor were sundry other gentlemen of mr s rank and dressed like him in black gowns with white fur upon them sitting at a long green table their were in general stiff i thought and their looks haughty but in this last respect i presently conceived i had done them an injustice for when two or three of them had to rise and answer a question of the op david i never saw more the public represented by a boy with a and a shabby genteel man secretly eating
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out of his coat pockets was warming itself at a stove in the centre of the court the languid stillness of the place was only broken by the of this fire and by the voice of one of the doctors who was wandering slowly through a perfect library of evidence and stopping to put up from time to time at little roadside of argument on the journey altogether i have never on any occasion made one at such a old fashioned time forgotten sleepy headed little in all my life and i felt it would be quite a soothing to belong to it in any character except perhaps as a very well satisfied with the dreamy nature of this retreat i informed mr that i had seen enough for that time and we rejoined my aunt in company with whom i presently departed from the feeling very young when i went out of and s on account of the clerks one another with their pens to point me out we arrived at s inn fields without any new adventures except an unlucky donkey in a s cart who suggested painful associations to my aunt we had another long talk about my plans when we were safely and as knew she was anxious to get home and between fire food and could never be considered at her ease for half an hour in london i urged her not to be uncomfortable on my account but to leave me to take care of myself i have not been here a week to morrow without considering that too my dear she returned there is a furnished little set of chambers to be let in the trot which ought to suit you to a marvel with this brief introduction she produced from her pocket an advertisement carefully cut out of a newspaper setting forth that in street in the there was to be let furnished with a view of the river a singularly desirable and compact set of chambers forming a genteel residence for a young gentleman a member of one of the of court or otherwise with immediate possession terms moderate and could be taken for a month only if required why this is the very thing aunt said i flushed with the possible dignity of living in chambers then come replied my aunt immediately the bonnet she had a minute before laid aside we go and look at em away we went the advertisement directed us to apply to mrs on the premises and we rung the area bell which we supposed to communicate with mrs it was not until we had rung three or four times that we could prevail on mrs to communicate with us but at last she appeared being a stout lady with a of flannel below a gown let us see these chambers of yours if you please ma am said my aunt for this gentleman said mrs feeling in her pocket for her keys yes for my nephew said my aunt and a sweet set they is for said mrs so we went up stairs they were on the top of the house a great point with my aunt being the personal history and experience near the fire escape and consisted of a little half blind entry where you could see hardly anything a little stone blind where you could see nothing at all a sitting room and a bed room the furniture was rather faded but quite good enough for me and sure enough the river was outside the windows as i was delighted with the place my aunt and mrs withdrew into the to discuss the terms while i remained on the sofa hardly daring to think it possible that i could be destined to live in such a noble residence after a single combat of some duration they returned and i saw to my joy both in mrs s countenance and in my aunt s that the deed was done is it the last s furniture inquired my aunt yes it is ma am said mrs what s become of him asked my aunt mrs was taken with a troublesome cough in the midst of which she with much he was took ill here ma am and dear me and he died hey what did he die of asked my aunt well ma am he died of drink said mrs in and smoke smoke you don t mean chimneys said my aunt no ma am returned mrs cigars and pipes that s not catching trot at any rate remarked my aunt turning to me no indeed said i in short my aunt seeing how i was with the premises took them for a month with leave to remain for twelve months when that time was out mrs was to find linen and to cook every other necessary was already provided and mrs expressly intimated that she should always towards me as a son i was to take possession the day after to morrow and mrs said thank heaven she had now found she could care for on our way back my aunt informed me how she confidently trusted that the life i was now to lead would make me firm and self which was all i wanted she repeated this several times next day in the intervals of our arranging for the of my clothes and books from mr s relative to which and to all my late holiday i wrote a long letter to of which my aunt took charge as she was to leave on the succeeding day not to these particulars i need only add that she made a handsome provision for all my possible wants during my month of trial that to my great disappointment and hers too did not make his appearance before she went away hat i saw her safely seated in the coach in the coming discomfiture of the with at
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her side and that when the coach was gone i turned my face to the pondering on the old days when i used to about its arches and on the happy changes which had brought me to the surface of david my first it was a wonderfully fine thing to have that lofty castle to myself and to feel when i shut my outer door like when he had got into his and pulled his ladder up after him it was a wonderfully fine thing to walk about town with the key of my house in my pocket and to know that i could ask any fellow to come home and make quite sure of its being inconvenient to nobody if it were not so to me it was a fine thing to let myself in and out and to come and go without a word to any one and to ring mrs up gasping from the depths of the earth when i wanted her and when she was disposed to come all this i say was wonderfully fine but i must say too that there were times when it was very dreary it was fine in the morning particularly in the fine mornings it a very fresh free life by daylight still and more free by but as the day declined the life seemed to go down too i don t know how it was it seldom looked well by candle light i wanted somebody to talk to then i missed i found a tremendous blank in the place of that smiling of my confidence mrs appeared to be a long way off i thought about my who had died of drink and smoke and i could have wished he had been so good as to live and not bother me with his after two days and nights i felt as if i had lived there for a year and yet i was not an hour older but was quite as much tormented by my own as ever not yet appearing which induced me to apprehend that he must be ill i left the early on the third day and walked out to mrs was very glad to see me and said that he had gone away with one of his oxford friends to see another who lived near st but that she expected him to return to morrow i was so fond of him that i felt quite jealous of his oxford friends as she pressed me to stay to dinner i remained and i believe we talked about nothing but him all day i told her how much the people liked him at and what a delightful companion he had been miss was full of hints and mysterious questions but took a great interest in au our proceedings there and said was it really though and so forth so often that she got everything out of me she wanted to know her appearance was exactly what i have described it when i first saw her but the society of the two ladies was so agreeable and came so natural to me that i felt myself falling a little in love with her i could not help thinking several times in the course of the evening and particularly when i walked home at night what delightful company she would be in street i was taking my coffee and roll in the morning before going to the and i may observe in this place that it is surprising how much coffee mrs used and how weak it was considering when himself walked in to my unbounded joy the personal history and experience my dear cried i i began to think i should never see you again i was carried off by force of arms said the yery next morning after i got home why what a rare old bachelor you are here i showed him over the establishment not the with no little pride and he commended it highly i tell you what old boy he added i shall make quite a town house of this place unless you give me notice to quit this was a delightful hearing i told him if he waited for that he would have to wait till but you shall have some breakfast said i with my hand on the bell rope and mrs shall make you some fresh coffee and i toast you some bacon in a bachelor s dutch oven that i have got here no no said don t ring i can t i am going to l with one of these fellows who is at the hotel in garden but you come back to dinner said i i can t upon my life there s nothing i should like better but i mud remain with these two fellows we are all three off together to morrow morning then bring them here to dinner i returned do you think they would come oh they would come fast enough said but we should inconvenience you you had better come and dine with us somewhere i would not by any means consent to this for it occurred to me that i ought to have a and that there never could be a better opportunity i had a dew pride in my rooms after his approval of them and burned with a desire to develop their utmost resources i therefore made him promise positively in the names of his two friends and we appointed six o clock as the dinner hour when he was gone i rang for mrs and acquainted her with my desperate design said in the first place of course it was well known she couldn t be expected to wait but she knew a handy young man who she thought could be prevailed upon to do it and whose terms would be five shillings and what i pleased i said certainly we would have him next
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mrs said it was clear she couldn t be in two places at once which i felt to be reasonable and that a young stationed in the with a bed room candle there never to from washing plates would be indispensable i said what would be the expense of this young female and mrs said she supposed eighteen pence would neither make me nor break me i said i supposed not and that was settled then mrs said now about the dinner it was a remarkable instance of want of on the part of the who had made mrs s kitchen fire place that it was capable of cooking nothing but and potatoes as to a mrs said well would t only come and look at the range she couldn t say fairer than that would i come and look at it as i should not have been much the wiser if i lad looked at it i declined and said never mind fish but mrs said don t say that was in and why not them so that was settled mrs then of david said what she would recommend would be this a pair of hot roast fowls from the cook s a dish of beef with vegetables from the cook s two little corner things as a raised pie and a dish of from the cook s a and if i liked a shape of from the cook s this mrs said would leave her at full liberty to her mind on the potatoes and to serve up the cheese and as she could wish to see it done i acted on mrs s opinion and gave the order at the cook s myself walking along the strand afterwards and observing a hard substance in the window of a ham and beef shop which resembled marble but was mock i went in and bought a of it which i have since seen reason to believe would have for fifteen people this preparation mrs after some difficulty consented to warm up and it shrunk so much in a liquid state that we found it what called rather a tight fit for four these preparations happily completed i bought a little in garden market and gave a rather extensive order at a wine merchant s in that vicinity when i came home in the afternoon and saw the bottles drawn up in a square on the floor they looked so numerous though there were two missing which made mrs very uncomfortable that i was absolutely frightened at them one of s friends was named and the other they were both very gay and lively fellows something older than youthful looking and i should say not more than twenty i observed that the latter always spoke of himself as a man and seldom or never in the first person singular a man might get on very well here mr said meaning himself it s not a bad situation said i and the rooms are really i hope you have both brought with you said upon my honour returned town seems to a man s appetite a man is hungry all day long a man is perpetually eating being a little embarrassed at first and feeling much too young to i made take the head of the table when dinner was announced and seated myself opposite to him everything was very good we did not spare the wine and he exerted himself so brilliantly to make the thing pass well that there was no pause in our i was not quite such good company during dinner as i could have wished to be for my chair was opposite the door and my attention was distracted by observing that the handy young man went out of the room very often and that his shadow always presented itself immediately afterwards on the wall of the entry with a bottle at its mouth the young likewise occasioned me some uneasiness not so much by to wash the plates as by breaking them being of an inquisitive disposition and unable to confine herself as her positive instructions were to the she was constantly peering in at us and constantly imagining herself detected in which belief she several times retired upon the plates with which she had carefully paved the floor and did a great deal of destruction these however were small and easily forgotten when the the personal history and experience cloth was cleared and the put on the table at which period of the entertainment the handy young man was discovered to be speechless giving him private directions to seek the society of mrs and to remove the young to the also i abandoned myself to enjoyment i began by being singularly cheerful and light hearted all sorts of half forgotten things to talk about came rushing into my mind and made me hold forth in a most unwonted manner i laughed heartily at my own jokes and everybody else s called to order for not passing the wine made several engagements to go to oxford announced that i meant to have a dinner party exactly like that once a week until further notice and madly took so much out of s box that i was obliged to go into the and have a private fit of ten minutes long i went on by passing the wine faster and faster yet and continually starting up with a to open more wine long before any was needed i proposed s health i said he was my dearest friend the protector of my boyhood and the companion of my prime i said i was delighted to propose his health i said i owed him more than i could ever repay and held him in a higher admiration than i could ever express i finished by saying i give you god bless him we gave him three times three and another and
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a good one to finish with i broke my glass in going round the table to shake hands with him and i said in two words ence i went on by finding suddenly that somebody was in the middle of a song was the singer and he sang when the heart of a man is depressed with care he said when he had sung it he would give us woman i took objection to that and i couldn t allow it i said it was not a respectful way of proposing the toast and i would never permit that toast to be drunk in my house otherwise than as the ladies i was very high with him mainly i think because i saw and laughing at me or at him or at both of us he said a man was not to be dictated to i said a man was he said a man was not to be insulted then i said he was right there never under my roof where the were sacred and the laws of hospitality amount he said it was no from a man s dignity to confess that i was a devilish good fellow i instantly proposed his health somebody was smoking we were all smoking i was smoking and trying to suppress a rising tendency to shudder had made a speech about me in the course of which i had been almost to tears i returned thanks and hoped the present company would dine with me to morrow and the day each day at five o clock that we might enjoy the pleasures of conversation and society through a long evening i felt called upon to propose an individual i would give them my aunt the best of her sex somebody was leaning out of my bed room window refreshing his forehead against the cool stone of the and feeling the air upon his face it was myself i was addressing myself as and of david saying why did you try to smoke you might have known you couldn t do it now somebody was contemplating his es in the looking glass that was i too i was very pale in the my eyes had a vacant appearance and my hair only my hair nothing else looked drunk somebody said to me let us go to the theatre there was no bed room before me but again the table covered with glasses the lamp on my right hand on my left and opposite all sitting in a mist and a long way off the theatre to be sure the very thing come along but they must excuse me if i saw everybody out first and turned the lamp off in case of fire owing to some confusion in the dark the door was gone i was feeling for it in the cm when laughing took me by the arm and led me out we went down stairs one behind another near the bottom somebody fell and rolled down somebody else said it was i was angry at that false report until finding myself on my back in the passage i began to think there might be some foundation for it a very night with great rings round the lamps in the streets there was an indistinct talk of its being wet considered it frosty me under a lamp post and put my hat into shape which somebody produced from somewhere in a most extraordinary manner for i hadn t had it on before then said you are all right are you not and i told him a man sitting in a pigeon hole place looked out of the fog and took money from somebody inquiring if i was one of the gentlemen paid for and appearing rather doubtful as i remember in the glimpse i had of him whether to take the money for me or not shortly afterwards we were very high up in a very hot theatre looking down into a large pit that seemed to me to smoke the people with whom it was crammed were so indistinct there was a great stage too looking very clean and smooth after the streets and there were people upon it talking about something or other but not at all there was an abundance of bright lights and there was music and there were ladies down in the boxes and i don t know what more the whole building looked to me as if it were learning to swim it conducted itself in such an unaccountable manner when i tried to steady it on somebody s motion we resolved to go down stairs to the where the ladies were a gentleman lounging full dressed on a sofa with an opera glass in his hand passed before my view and also my own figure at full length in a glass then i was being ushered into one of these boxes and found myself saying something as i sat down and people about me crying silence to somebody and ladies casting indignant glances at me and what yes sitting on the seat before me in the same box with a lady and gentleman beside her whom i didn t know i see her face now better than i did then i dare say with its look of regret and wonder turned upon me i said thickly hush pray she answered i could not conceive why you disturb the company look at the stage the personal history and experience i tried on her to fix it and to hear something of what was going on there but quite in vain i looked at her again by and by and saw her shrink into her corner and put her hand to her forehead i said yes yes do not mind me she returned listen are you going away soon i repeated yes i had a stupid intention of replying
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experience for his share in that rotten old cheese although i left the office at half past three and was about the place of appointment within a few minutes afterwards the appointed time was exceeded by a full quarter of an hour according to the clock of st s before i could muster up sufficient desperation to pull the private bell handle let into the left hand door post of mr s house the professional business of mr s establishment was done on the ground floor and the genteel business of which there was a good deal in the upper part of the building i was shown into a pretty but rather close drawing room and there sat a se she looked so quiet and good and reminded me so strongly of my airy fresh school days at and the smoky stupid wretch i had been the other night that nobody being by i yielded to my self reproach and shame and in short made a fool of myself i cannot deny that i shed tears to this hour i am whether it was upon the whole the wisest thing i could have done or the most ridiculous if it had been any one but you said i turning away my head i should not have minded it half so much but that it should have been you who saw me i almost wish i had been dead first she put her hand its touch was like no other hand upon my arm for a moment and i felt so and comforted that i could not help moving it to my lips and gratefully kissing it sit down said cheerfully don t be unhappy if you cannot confidently trust me whom will you trust ah i returned you are my good angel she smiled rather sadly i thought and shook her head yes my good angel always my good angel if i were indeed she ned there is one thing that i should set my heart on very much i looked at her but already with a of her meaning on warning you said with a steady glance against your bad angel my dear i began if you mean i do she returned then you wrong him very much he my bad angel or anyone s he anything but a guide a support and a friend to me my dear now is it not unjust and unlike you to judge him from what you saw of me the other night i do not judge him from what i saw of you the other night she quietly replied from what then from many things trifles in themselves but they do not seem to me to be so when they are put together i judge him partly from your account of him and your character and the influence he has over you there was always something in her modest voice that seemed to touch a within me answering to that sound alone it was always earnest but when it was very earnest as it was now there was a thrill of david in it that quite subdued me i sat looking at her as she cast her eyes on her work i sat seeming still to listen to her and in spite of all my attachment to him darkened in that tone it is very bold in me said looking up again who have lived in such seclusion and can know so little of the world to give you my advice so confidently or even to have this strong opinion but i know in what it is in how true a remembrance of our having grown up together and in how true an interest in all relating to you it is that which makes me bold i am certain that what i say is right i am quite sure it is i feel as if it were some one else speaking to you and not i when i caution you that you have made a dangerous friend again i looked at her again i listened to her after she was silent and again his image though it was still fixed in my heart darkened i am not so unreasonable as to expect said her usual tone after a little while that you will or that you can at once change any sentiment that has become a conviction to you least of all a sentiment that is rooted in your trusting disposition you ought not hastily to do that i only ask you if you ever think of me i mean a quiet smile for i was going to interrupt her and she knew why as often as you think of me to think of what i have said do you forgive me for all this i will forgive you i replied when you come to do justice and to hke him as well as i do until then said i saw a passing shadow on her face when i made this mention of him but she returned my smile and we were again as in our mutual confidence as of old and when said i wiu you forgive me the other night when i recall it said she would have dismissed the subject so but i was too fuu of it to allow that and insisted on her how it happened that i had disgraced myself and what chain of accidental circumstances had had the theatre for its final it was a great to me to do this and to on the obligation that i owed to for his care of me when i was unable to take care of myself you must not forget said calmly changing the conversation as soon as i had concluded that you are always to teu me not only when you fall into trouble but when you fall in love t has succeeded to no one some one
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no time to say more for the room door opened and ii s who was a large lady or who wore a large dress i don t exactly know which for i don t know which was dress and which was lady came sailing in i had a dim recollection of having seen her at the theatre as if i had seen her in a pale magic lantern but she appeared to remember me perfectly and still to suspect me of being in a state of finding by degrees however that i was sober and i hope that i was a modest young gentleman mrs softened towards me considerably and inquired if i went much into the and secondly if i went much into society on my replying to both these questions in the negative it occurred to me that i fell again in her good opinion but she concealed the fact gracefully and invited me to dinner next day i accepted the invitation and took my leave making a call on in the as i went out and leaving a card for him in his absence when i went to dinner next day and on the street door being opened plunged into a bath of of mutton i divined that i was not the only guest for i immediately identified the ticket porter in disguise assisting the family servant and waiting at the foot of the stairs to carry up my name he looked to the best of his ability when he asked me for it as if he had never seen me before but well did i know him and well did he know me conscience made of us both i found mr to be a middle aged gentleman with a short throat and a good deal of shirt collar who only wanted a black nose to the personal history experience be the portrait of a dog he told me lie was happy to have the honour of making my acquaintance and when i had paid my homage to mrs presented me with much ceremony to a very awful lady in a black velvet dress and a great black velvet hat whom i remember as looking like a near relation of hamlet s say his aunt mrs henry was this lady s name and her husband was there too so cold a man that his head instead of being grey seemed to be sprinkled with frost immense deference was shown to the henry male and female which told me was on account of mr henry being to something or to somebody i forget what or which connected with the treasury i found among the company in a suit of black and in deep humility he told me when i shook hands with him that he was proud to be noticed by me and that he really felt ol to me for my condescension i could have wished he had been less obliged to me for he hovered about me in his gratitude all the rest of the evening and whenever i said a word to was sure with his eyes and face to be looking down upon us from behind there were other guests all for the occasion as it struck me like the wine but there was one who attracted my attention before he came in on account of my hearing him announced as mr my mind flew back to house and could it be i thought who used to draw the i looked for mr with unusual interest he was a sober steady looking young man of retiring manners with a comic head of hair and eyes that were rather wide open and he got into an obscure corner so soon that i had some difficulty in making him out at length i had a good view of him and either my vision deceived me or it was the old unfortunate i made my way to mr and said that i believed i had the pleasure of seeing an old there indeed said mr surprised you are too young to have been at school with mr henry oh i don t mean him i returned i mean the gentleman named oh aye aye indeed said my host with much diminished interest possibly if it s really the same person said i glancing towards him it was at a place called house where we were together and he was an excellent fellow oh yes is a good fellow returned my host nodding his head with an air of is quite a good it s a curious coincidence said i it is really returned my host quite a coincidence that should be here at all as was only invited this morning when the place at table intended to be occupied by mrs henry s brother became vacant in consequence of his a very gentlemanly man mrs henry s brother mr i murmured an assent which was full of considering that i knew nothing at all about him and i inquired what mr was by profession i i of david returned mr is a young man reading for the bar yes he is quite a good fellow nobody s enemy but his own is he his own enemy said i sorry to hear this well returned mr up his mouth and playing with his watch chain in a comfortable prosperous sort of way i should say he was one of those men who stand in their own light yes i should say he would never for example be worth five hundred pound was recommended to me by a professional friend oh yes yes he has a kind of talent for drawing and stating a case in writing plainly i am able to throw something in s way in the course of the year something for him considerable oh yes yes i was much impressed by the extremely comfortable and satisfied manner in
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surprised and that by another in which the surprise came round to mr s turn again and so on turn and turn about all this time we the remained oppressed by the tremendous interests involved in the conversation and our host regarded us with pride as the victims of a awe and astonishment i was very glad indeed to get up stairs to and to talk with her in a corner and to introduce to her who was shy but agreeable and the same good natured creature still as he was obliged to leave early on account of going away next morning for a month i had not nearly so much conversation with him as i could have wished but we exchanged addresses and promised ourselves the pleasure of another meeting when he should come back to town he was greatly interested to hear that i knew and spoke of him with such warmth that i made him tell what he thought of him but only looked at me the while and very slightly shook her head when only i observed her as she was not among people with whom i believed she could be very much at home i was almost glad to hear that she was going away within a few days though i was sorry at the prospect of parting from her again so soon this caused me to remain until all the company were gone conversing with her and hearing her sing was such a delightful to me of my happy life in the grave old house she had made so beautiful that i could have remained there half the night but having no excuse for staying any longer when the lights of mr s society were all out i took my leave very much against my i felt then more than ever that she was my better angel and if i thought of her sweet face and placid smile as though they had shone on me from some removed being like an angel i hope i thought no harm i have said that the company were all gone but i ought to have whom i don t include in that and who had never ceased to near us he was close behind me when i went down stairs he was close beside me when i walked away from the house slowly fitting his long skeleton fingers into the still longer fingers of a great pair of gloves it was in no disposition for s company but in remembrance of the entreaty had made to me that i asked him if he would come home to my rooms and have some coffee oh really master he rejoined i beg your pardon but the other comes so natural i don t like that you should put a upon yourself to ask a person like me to your there is no in the case said i will you come i should like to very much replied with a weu then come along said i i could not help being rather short with him but he appeared not to mind it we went the nearest way without conversing much upon the road and he was so humble in respect of those gloves that he was still putting them on and seemed to have made no advance in that labour when we got to my place i led him up the dark stairs to prevent his knocking his head against the personal and anything and really his damp cold hand felt so like a in mine that i was tempted to drop it and run away and hospitality prevailed however and i conducted him to my fireside when i my candles he fell into meek with the room that was revealed to him and when i heated the coffee in an block tin vessel in which mrs delighted to prepare it chiefly i believe because it was not intended for the purpose being a pot and because there was a patent invention of great price away in the he professed so much emotion that i could have him oh really master i mean said to see you waiting upon me is what i never could have expected but one way and another so many things happen to me which i never could have expected i am sure in my station that it seems to rain blessings on my ed you have heard something i des say of a change in my expectations master field i should say as he sat on my sofa liis long knees drawn up under his his hat and gloves upon the ground close to him his spoon going softly round and round his red eyes which looked as if they had their lashes off tm ned towards me without looking at me the disagreeable i have formerly described in his nostrils coming and going with his breath and a his frame from his chin to his boots i decided in my own mind that i disliked him intensely it made me very uncomfortable to have him for a guest for i was young then and unused to disguise what i so strongly felt you have heard something i des say of a change in my expectations master i should say observed yes said i something ah i thought would know of it he quietly returned i m glad to find miss knows of it oh thank you master i could have thrown my at him it lay ready on the rug for having me into the disclosure of anything concerning however but i only drank my coffee what a prophet you have shown yourself pursued dear me what a prophet you have proved yourself to be don t you remember saying to me once that perhaps i should be a partner in mr s business and perhaps it might be and may not recollect it but when a
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image of miss i don t mind trusting you with my secret master for i have always towards you since the first moment i had the pleasure of beholding you in a has been in my breast for years oh master with what a pure affection do i love the ground my walks on i believe i had a idea of seizing the red hot out of the fire and running him through with it it from me with a shock like a ball fired from a rifle but the image of outraged by so much as a thought of this red headed animal s remained in my mind when i looked at him sitting all as if his mean soul his body and made me giddy he seemed to swell and grow before my eyes the room seemed of the echoes of his voice and the strange feeling to which perhaps no one is quite a stranger that all this had occurred before at some indefinite time and that i knew what he was going to say next took possession of me of david b did more to bring back to my remembrance the entreaty of in its full force than any effort i could have made i asked him with a better appearance of composure than i could have thought possible a minute before whether he had made his feelings known to oh no master he returned oh dear no not to any one but you you see i am only just emerging from my lowly station i rest a good deal of hope on her observing how useful i am to her father for i trust to be very useful to him indeed master and how i smooth the way for him and keep him straight she s so much attached to her father master oh what a lovely thing it is in a daughter that i think she may come on his account to be kind to me i the depth of the rascal s whole scheme and understood why he laid it bare if you have the goodness to keep my secret master he pursued and not in general to go against me i shall take it as a particular favor you wouldn t wish to make i know what a friendly heart you ve got but having only known me on my footing on my i should say for i am very still you might go against me rather with my i call her mine you see master there s a song that says i d crowns resign to call her mine i hope to do it one of these days dear so much too loving and too good for any one that i could think of was it possible that she was reserved to be the wife of such a wretch as this there s no hurry at present you know master proceeded in his way as i sat gazing at him with this thought in my mind my is very young still and mother and me will have i to work om way and make a good many new arrangements before it would be quite convenient so i shall have time gradually to make her familiar with my hopes as opportunities offer oh i m so much to you for this confidence oh it s such a relief you can t think to know that you understand our situation and are certain as you wouldn t wish to make in the family not to go against me he took the hand which i dared not withhold and having given it a damp squeeze referred to his pale faced watch dear me he said it s past one the moments slip away so in the confidence of old times master that it s almost half past one i answered that i had thought it was later not that i had really thought so but because my powers were effectually scattered dear me he said considering the that i am stopping at a sort of a private hotel and boarding master near the new ed will have gone to bed these two hours i am sorry i returned that there is only one bed here and that i oh don t think of mentioning beds master he rejoined drawing up one leg but you have any objections to my laying down before the fire if it comes to that i said pray take my bed and i lie down before the fire the personal history and experience his of this offer was almost shrill enough in the excess of its and humility to have penetrated to the ears of s then sleeping i suppose in a distant chamber situated at about the level of low water mark soothed in her by the of an clock to which she always referred me when we had any little difference on the score of and which was never less than three quarters of an horn too slow and had always been put right in the morning by the best authorities as no arguments i could urge in my bewildered condition had the least effect upon his modesty in him to accept my bed room i was obliged to make the best arrangements i could for his repose before the fire the of the sofa which was a great deal too short for his figure the sofa pillows a blanket the table cover a clean breakfast cloth and a great coat made him a bed and covering for which he was more than thankful having lent him a which he put on at once and in which he made such an awful figure that i have never worn one since i left him to rest i never forget that night i never shall forget how i turned and tumbled how i wearied myself with thinking about and this creature how i considered what could i do
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and what ought i to do how i could come to no other conclusion than that the best com se for her peace was to do nothing and to keep to myself what i had heard if i went to sleep for a few moments the image of with lier tender eyes and of her father looking fondly on her as i had so often seen him look arose before me with appealing faces and filled me with vague terrors when i awoke the recollection that was lying in the next room sat heavy on me like a waking night mare and oppressed me with a leaden dread as if i had had some quality of devil for a the got into my thoughts besides and wouldn t come out i thought between sleeping and waking that it was stiu red hot and i had snatched it out of the fire and run him through the body i was so haunted at last by the idea though i knew there was nothing in it tliat i stole into the next room to look at him there i saw him lying on his back with his legs extending to i don t know where taking place in his throat in his nose and his mouth open hke a he was so much worse in reality than in my fancy that afterwards i was attracted to him in very and could not help wandering in and out every half hour or so and taking another look at him still the long long night seemed heavy and hopeless as ever and no promise of day was in the sky when i saw him going down stairs early in the morning for thank heaven he would not stay to breakfast it appeared to me as if the night was going away in his person when i went out to the i charged mrs with particular directions to leave the windows open that my sitting room might be and of his presence op david i fall into i saw no more of until the day when left town i was at the coach office to take leave of her and see her go and there was he returning to by the same conveyance it was some small satisfaction to me to observe his spare short high shouldered coloured great coat perched up in company with an umbrella like a small tent on the edge of the back seat on the roof while was of course inside but what i in my efforts to be friendly with him while looked on perhaps deserved that little at the coach window as at the dinner party he hovered about us without a moment s like a great himself on every syllable that i said to or said to me in the state of trouble into which his disclosure by my fire had thrown me i had thought very much of the words had used in reference to the i did what i hope was right feeling sure that it was necessary for papa s peace that the sacrifice should be made i entreated him to make it a miserable that she would yield to and sustain herself by the same feeling in reference to any sacrifice for his sake had oppressed me ever since i knew how she loved him i knew what the devotion of her e was i knew from her own lips that she regarded herself as the innocent cause of his errors and as owing him a great debt she desired to pay i had no consolation in seeing how different she was from this detestable with the coloured gi eat coat for i felt that in the veiy between them in the self denial of her pure soul and the sordid of his the gi danger lay au this doubtless he knew thoroughly and had in his cunning considered weu yet i was so certain that the prospect of such a sacrifice afar off must destroy the happiness of and i was so e from her manner of its being unseen by her then and having cast no shadow on her yet that i could as soon have injured her as given her any warning of what thus it was that we parted without explanation she waving her hand and smiling farewell from the coach window her evil genius on the roof as if he had her in his and i could not get over this farewell glimpse of them for a long time when wrote to teu me of her safe arrival i was as miserable as when i saw her going away whenever i fell into a thoughtful state this subject was sure to present itself and all my uneasiness was sure to be hardly a night passed without my dreaming of it it became a part of my life and as inseparable from my life as my own head i had ample leisure to upon my uneasiness for was at oxford as he wrote to me and when i was not at the i was very much alone i believe i had at this time some lurking distrust of the personal history and experience i wrote to him most affectionately in reply to his but i think i was glad upon the whole that he could not come to london just then i suspect the truth to be that the influence of was upon me undisturbed by the sight of him and that it was the more powerful with me because she had so large a share in my thoughts and interest in the meantime days and weeks slipped away i was to and i had ninety pounds a year exclusive of my and sundry matters from my aunt my rooms were engaged for twelve months certain and though i still found them dreary of an evening and the evenings long i could settle down into a state of low
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spirits and resign myself to coffee which i seem on looking back to have taken by the at about this period of my existence at about this time too i made three discoveries first that mrs was a martyr to a curious disorder called the which was generally accompanied with of the nose and required to be constantly treated with secondly that something peculiar in the e of my made the brandy bottles burst that t was alone in the world and much given to record that circumstance in fragments of on the day when i was no took place beyond my having and into the office for the clerks and going alone to the theatre at night i went to see the stranger as a doctors sort of play and was so dreadfully cut up that i hardly knew myself in my own glass when i got home mr remarked on this occasion when we concluded our business that he should have been happy to have seen me at his house at to our becoming connected but for his domestic arrangements being in some disorder on account of the expected return of his daughter from finishing her education at paris but he intimated that when she came home he should hope to have the pleasure of entertaining me i knew that he was a with one daughter and expressed my was as good as his word in a week or two he referred to this engagement and said that if i would do him the favor to come down next day and stay till monday he would be extremely happy of course i said i would do him the favor and he was to drive me down in his and to bring me back when the day arrived my very carpet bag was an object of veneration to the clerks to whom the house at was a sacred mystery one of them informed me that he had heard that mr ate entirely off plate and china and another hinted at champagne being constantly on di aught after the usual custom of table beer the old clerk with the wig whose name was mr had been down on business several times in the course of his career and had on each occasion penetrated to the breakfast parlor he described it as an apartment of the most e and said that he had drunk brown east india there of a quality so precious as to make a man wink we had an cause in the that day about a baker who had been in a to a rate and as the evidence was just ta the length of robinson according to a calculation i made it was rather late in the day before we finished however we got him for six weeks and of david in no end of costs and then the baker s and the judge and the on both sides were ail nearly related went out of town together and mr and i drove away in the the was a very handsome affair the horses arched their necks and lifted up their legs as if they knew they belonged to doctors there was a good deal of competition in the on all points of display and it turned out some very choice then though i always have considered and always shall consider that in my time the great article of competition there was which i think was worn among the to as great an extent as it is in the nature of man to bear we were very pleasant going down and mr gave me some hints in reference to my profession he said it was the profession in the world and must on no account be confounded with the profession of a being quite another sort of thing infinitely more exclusive less mechanical and more profitable we took things much more easily in the than they could be taken anywhere else he observed and that set us as a privileged class apart he said it was impossible to conceal the disagreeable fact that we were chiefly employed by but he gave me to understand that they were an inferior race of men universally looked down upon by all of any pretensions i asked mr what he considered the best sort of professional ss he replied that a good case of a disputed will where there was a neat little estate of thirty or forty thousand pounds was perhaps the best of all in such a case he said not only were there very pretty in the way of arguments at every stage of the proceedings and mountains upon mountains of evidence on and to say nothing of an appeal lying first to the and then to the lords but the costs being pretty sure to come out of the estate at last both sides went at it in a lively and spirited manner and expense was no consideration then he launched into a general on the what was to be particularly admired he said in the was its it was the most conveniently place in the world it was the complete idea of it lay in a nut shell example you brought a divorce case or a case into the very good you tried it in the you made a quiet little round game of it among a family group and you played it out at leisure suppose you were not satisfied with the what did you do then why you w ent into the arches what was the arches the same court in the same room w ith the same bar and the same but another judge for there the judge could plead any court day as an advocate well you played your round game out again still you were not satisfied yery good what did you do then why you went to the who were the why the were the without any business
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who had looked on at the round game when it was playing in both courts and had seen the cards and cut and played and had talked to all the players about it and now came as judges to settle the matter to the satisfaction of everybody discontented people might talk of corruption in the in the and the necessity of the t the al history and experience said mr solemnly in conclusion but price of wheat per had been highest the had been and a man might lay his hand upon his heart and say this to the whole world touch the and down comes the country i listened to all this with attention and though i must say i had my doubts whether the country was quite as much obliged to the as j made out i respectfully deferred to his opinion that about the price of per i modestly felt was too much for my strength and quite settled the question i have never to tliis hour got the better of that of wheat it has re appeared to me all through my life in with all kinds of subjects i don t know now exactly what it has to do with me or what right it has to crush me on an infinite variety of occasions but whenever i see my old friend the brought in by the head and shoulders as he always is i observe i give up a subject for lost this is a was not the man to touch the and bring down the country i expressed by my silence my acquiescence in all i had heard from my superior in years and knowledge and we talked about the stranger and the drama and the pair of horses until we came to mr s gate there was a lovely garden to mr s house and though that was not the best time of the year for seeing a garden it was so beautifully kept that i was quite enchanted there was a charming lawn there were clusters of trees and there were perspective walks that i could just distinguish in the dark arched over with work on which shrubs and grew in the growing season here miss walks by herself i thought dear me we went into the house which was cheerfully lighted up and into a hall where there were all sorts of hats caps great coats gloves and walking sticks where is miss said mr to the servant i thought what a beautiful name we turned into a room near at hand i think it was the identical breakfast room made memorable by the brown east indian and i heard a voice say mr my daughter and my daughter s confidential friend it was no doubt mr s voice but i didn t know it and i didn t care whose it was all was over in a moment i had fulfilled my destiny i was a captive and a slave i loved to distraction she was more than human to me she was a a i don t know what she was any thing that no one ever saw and every thing that every body ever wanted i was swallowed up in an abyss of love in an instant there was no pausing on the brink no looking down or looking back i was gone headlong before i had sense to say a word to her observed a well remembered voice when i had bowed and murmured something have seen mr before the speaker was not no the confidential friend miss i don t think i was much astonished to the best of my judgment no capacity of astonishment was left in me there was nothing worth mentioning in the material world but to be astonished about i said how do you do miss i hope you ai e of david well answered very well i said how is mi she replied my brother is robust i am obliged to you mr who i suppose had been to see us recognise each other then put in his word i am glad to find he said that you and miss are already acquainted mr and myself said miss with severe composure are we were once slightly acquainted it was in his childish days circumstances have separated us since i should not have known him i replied that i should have known her any where which was true enough miss has had the goodness said mr to me to accept the office if i may so describe it of my daughter s confidential friend my daughter having unhappily no mother miss is obliging enough to become her companion and protector a passing thought occurred to me that miss like the pocket instrument called a life was not so much designed for purposes of protection as of assault but as i had none but passing thoughts for any subject save t glanced at her directly afterwards and was thinking that i saw in her prettily manner that she was not very much inclined to be particularly confidential to her companion and protector when a bell rang which mr said was the first and so carried me off to dress the idea of dressing one s self or doing any thing in the way of action in that state of love was a little too ridiculous i could only sit down before my fire biting the key of my carpet bag and think of the girlish bright eyed lovely what a form she had what a face she had what a graceful manner the bell rang again so soon that i made a mere scramble of my dressing instead of the careful operation i could have wished under the circumstances and went down stairs there was some company was talking to an old gentleman with a grey head grey as he was and a great grandfather into the
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bargain for he said so i was madly jealous of him what a state of mind i was in i was jealous of everybody i couldn t bear the idea of anybody knowing mi better than i did it was ing to me to hear them talk of in which i had had no share a most amiable person with a highly polished bald head asked me across the dinner table if that were the first occasion of my seeing the grounds i could have done anything to him that was savage and i don t remember who was there except i have not the least idea what we had for dinner besides my impression is that i dined off entirely and sent away half a dozen plates untouched i sat next to her i talked to her she had the most delightful little voice the little laugh the and most fascinating httle ways that ever led a lost youth into hopeless slavery she was rather altogether so much the more precious i thought when she went out of the room with miss no other ladies were of the party i fell into a reverie only disturbed by the cruel t the personal history and experience that miss stone would me to her the amiable creature with the polished head told me a long story which i think was about i think i heard him say my gardener several times i seemed to pay the deepest attention to him but i was wandering in a garden of all the while with my apprehensions of being to the object of my affection were revived when we went into the drawing room by the gi im and distant aspect of miss but i was relieved of them in an unexpected manner david said miss me aside into a window a word i confronted miss alone david said miss i need not upon family circumstances they are not a tempting subject far from it ma am i returned far from it assented miss i do not wish to revive the memory of past differences or of past i have received from a person a female i am sorry to say for the credit of my sex who is not to be mentioned without scorn and disgust and therefore i would rather not mention her i felt very fiery on my aunt s account but i said it would certainly be better if miss pleased not to mention her i could not hear her mentioned i added without expressing my opinion in a decided tone miss shut her eyes and inclined her head then slowly opening her eyes resumed david i shall not attempt to disguise the fact that i formed an opinion of you in your childhood it may have been a mistaken one or you may have ceased to justify it that is not in question between us now i belong to a family remarkable i believe for some firmness and i am not the creature of circumstance or change i may have my opinion of you you may have your opinion of me i inclined my head in my turn but it is not necessary said miss that these opinions should come into collision here under existing it is as well on all accounts that they should not as the chances of life have brought us together again and may bring us together on other occasions i would say let us meet here as distant acquaintances family circumstances are a sufficient reason for our only meeting on that footing and it is quite unnecessary that either of us should make the other the subject of remark do you approve of this miss i returned i think you and mi used me very cruelly and treated ray mother with great i shall always think so as long as i live but i quite agree in what you propose miss shut her eyes again and bent her head then just touching the back of my hand with the tips of her cold stiff fingers she walked away arranging the little on her wrists and round her neck which seemed to be the same set in exactly the same state as when i had seen her last these reminded me in reference to miss s nature of the over a jail door suggesting on the outside to all what was to be expected within of david all i know of the rest of the evening is that i heard the of my sing enchanted in the french language generally to the effect that whatever was the matter we ought always to dance ta ra la ta ra la accompanying herself on a instrument resembling a that i was lost in delirium that i refused refreshment that my soul from punch particularly that when miss mm took her into and led her away she smiled and gave me her delicious hand that i caught a view of myself in a mirror looking perfectly and that i retired to bed in a most state of mind and got up in a crisis of feeble it was a fine morning and early and i thought i would go and take a stroll down one of those wire arched walks and indulge my passion by dwelling on her image on my way through the hall i encountered her little dog who was called short for i approached him tenderly for i loved even him but he showed his whole set of teeth got under a chair expressly to and wouldn t hear of the least familiarity the garden was cool and solitary i walked about wondering what my feelings of happiness would be if i could ever become engaged to this dear wonder as to marriage and fortune and au that i believe i was almost as innocently then as when i loved little em ly to be allowed to call her to write
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to her to upon and worship her to have reason to think that when she was with other people she was yet of me seemed to me the summit of human ambition i am sure it was the summit of mine there is no doubt whatever that i was a young but there was a purity of heart in all this still that prevents my having quite a contemptuous recollection of it let me laugh as i may i had not been walking long when i turned a corner and met her i again from head to foot as my recollection turns that corner and my pen shakes in my hand you are out early miss said i it s so stupid at home she replied and miss is so absurd she talks such nonsense about its being necessary for the day to be before i come out she laughed here in the most melodious manner on a sunday morning when i don t practise i must do something so i told papa last night i mud come out besides it s the brightest time of the whole day don t you think so i a bold flight and said not without that it was very bright to me then though it had been very dark to me a minute before do you mean a compliment said or that the weather has really changed i stammered worse than before in replying that i meant no compliment but the plain truth though i was not aware of any change having taken place in the weather it was in the state of my own feelings i added to the explanation i never saw such curls how could i for there never were such curls as those she shook out to hide her as to the straw hat and blue ribbons which was on the top of the curls if i could only have hung it up in my room in street what a possession it would have been l the personal history experience you have just come home from paris said i yes said she have vou ever been there ko oh i hope you ll go soon you would like it so much traces of deep seated anguish appeared in my countenance that she should hope i would go that she should think it possible i could go was i paris i france i said i wouldn t leave england under existing circumstances for any earthly consideration nothing should induce me in short she was shaking the curls again when the little dog came running along the walk to our relief he was jealous of me and persisted in barking at me she took him up in her arms oh my goodness and him but he insisted upon barking stiu he wouldn t let me touch him when i tried and then she beat him it increased my sufferings greatly to see the she gave him for punishment on the bridge of his blunt nose while he winked his eyes and licked her hand and stiu growled within himself like a little double bass at length he was quiet well he might be with her chin upon his head and we walked away to look at a you are not very intimate with miss are you said my pet the two last words were to the dog oh if they had only been to me no i replied not at all so she is a tiresome creature said i can t think what papa can have been about when he chose such a thing to be my companion who wants a protector i am sure i don t want a protector can protect me a great deal better than miss can t you dear he only winked lazily when she kissed his ball of a head papa calls her my confidential friend but i am sure she is no such thing is she we are not going to confide in any such cross people and i we mean to bestow our confidence where we like and to find out our friends instead of having them found out for us don t we made a comfortable noise in answer a little like a tea kettle when it sings as for me every word was a new heap of above the last it is very hard because we have not a kind that we are to have instead a sulky gloomy old thing like miss always following us isn t it never mind we won t be confidential and we ll make ourselves as happy as we can in spite of her and we ll her and not please her won t we if it had lasted any longer i think i must have gone down on my knees on the gravel with the probability before me of them and of being presently from the premises besides but by good fortune the was not far off and these words brought us to it it contained quite a show of beautiful we along in front of them and often stopped to admire this one or that one and i stopped to admire the same one and laughing held the dog up to smell the flowers and if we were not all three in of david certainly was the scent of a leaf at tliis day strikes me with a half half serious wonder as to what change has come over me in a moment and then i see a straw hat and blue ribbons and a quantity of curls and a little black dog being held up in two r arms against a bank of blossoms and bright leaves miss had been looking for us she found us here and presented her cheek the little wrinkles in it filled with to to be kissed then she took s arm
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in hers and marched us in to breakfast as if it were a soldier s funeral how many cups of tea i drank because made it i don t know but i perfectly remember that i sat tea until my whole nervous system if i had had any in those days must have gone by the board by and by we went to church miss was between and me in the but i heard her sing and the vanished a sermon was delivered about of course and i am afraid that is all i know of the service we had a quiet day no company a walk a family dinner of four and an evening of looking over books and pictures miss with a before her and her eye upon us keeping guard ah little did mr imagine when he sat opposite to me after dinner that day with his pocket handkerchief over his head how fervently i was embracing him in my fancy as his son in law little did he think when i took leave of him at night that he had just given his full consent to my being engaged to and that i was blessings on his head we departed early in the morning for we had a case coming on in the court requiring a rather accurate knowledge of the whole science of in which as we couldn t be expected to know much about those matters in the the judge had entreated two old masters for charity s sake to come and help him out was at the breakfast table to make the tea again however and i had the melancholy pleasure of taking off my hat to her in the as she stood on the door step with in her arms what the was to me that day what nonsense i made of our case in my mind as i listened to it how i saw engraved upon the blade of tlie silver oar which they lay upon the table as the emblem of that high and how i felt when mr went home without me i had had an insane hope that he might take me back again as if i were a myself and the ship to which i belonged had sailed away and left me on a desert island i shall make no fruitless effort to describe if that sleepy old court could rouse itself and present in any visible form the day di i have had in it about it would reveal truth i don t mean the dreams that i dreamed on that day alone but day after day from week to week and term to term i went there not to attend to what was going on but to think about if i ever bestowed a thought upon the cases as they di their slow length before me it was only to wonder in the matrimonial cases remembering how it was that married people could ever be otherwise than happy and in the cases to consider if the money in question had been to me what were the foremost steps i should immediately have taken in regard to within the first week of my passion i the personal history and experience lit four not for myself had no pride in them for and took to straw colored kid gloves in the streets and laid the foundations of all the i have ever had if the boots i wore at that period could only be produced and compared with the natural size of my feet they would show what the state of my heart was in a most affecting manner and yet wretched as i made myself by this act of homage to i walked miles upon miles daily in the hope of seeing her not only was i soon as well known on the as the on that beat but i pervaded london likewise i walked about the streets where the best shops for ladies were i haunted the like an spirit i through the park again and again long after i was quite knocked up sometimes at long intervals and on rare occasions i saw her perhaps i saw her glove waved in a carriage window perhaps i met her walked with her and miss a little way and spoke to her in the latter case i was always very miserable afterwards to think that i had said nothing to the purpose or that she had no idea of the extent of my devotion or that she cared nothing about me i was always looking out as may be supposed for another invitation to mr s house i was always being disappointed for i got none mrs must have been a woman of penetration for when this attachment was but a few weeks old and i had not had the courage to write more even to than that i had been to mr s house whose family i added consists of one daughter i say mrs must have been a woman of penetration for even in that early stage she found it out she came np to me one evening when i was very low to ask she being then afflicted with the disorder i have mentioned if i could oblige her with a little of mixed with and with seven drops of the essence of which was the best remedy for her complaint or if i had not such a thing by me with a little brandy which was the next best it was not she remarked so to her but it was the next best as i had never even heard of the first remedy and always had the second in the closet i gave mrs a glass of the second which that i might have no suspicion of its being devoted to any improper use she began to take in my presence cheer up sir said mrs i
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can t to see you so sir i m a mother myself i did not quite perceive the application of this fact to myself but i smiled on mrs as as was in my power come sir said mrs excuse me i know what it is sir there s a young lady in the case mrs i returned oh bless you keep a good heart sir said mrs encouragement never say die sir if she don t smile upon yo there s a many as will you re a young gentleman to he smiled o i mr and you must learn your sir mrs always called me mr no doubt because it was not my name and secondly i am inclined to think in some indistinct association with a washing day of david what makes you suppose there is any young lady in the case mi s said i mr said with a great deal of feeling i m a mother myself for some time mrs could only lay her hand upon her bosom and herself against returning pain with of her medicine at length she spoke again when the present set were took for you by your dear aunt mr said my remark were i had now found i could care for thank ev in were the expression i have now found i can care for you don t eat enough sir nor yet drink is that what you found your supposition on said i sir said mrs in a tone approaching to severity i ve other young gentlemen besides yourself a young gentleman may be over careful of himself or he may be under careful of himself he may brush his hair too regular or too he may wear his boots much too large for him or much too small that is according as the young gentleman has his original character formed but let him go to which extreme he may sir there s a young lady in both of em shook her head in such a determined manner that i had not an inch of ground left it was but the gentleman which died here before yourself said mrs that in love with a and had his took in directly though much swelled by drinking said i i must beg you not to connect the young lady in my case with a or anything of that sort if you please ir returned mi s i m a mother myself and not likely i ask your pardon sir if i intrude i should never wish to intrude where i were not welcome but you are a young gentleman ml and my to you is to cheer up sir to keep a good heart and to know your own if you was to take to something sir said mrs if you was to take to now which is healthy you might find it divert your mind and do you good with these words mrs affecting to be very careful of the brandy which it was au gone thanked me with a majestic and retired as her figure disappeared into the gloom of the entry this counsel certainly presented itself to my mind in the light of a slight liberty on mrs s part but at the same time i was content to receive it in another point of view as a word to the wise and a warning in future to keep my secret better the personal history and experience it may have been in consequence of mrs s and perhaps for no better reason than because there was a certain in the sound of the words and that it came into my head next day to go and look after the time he had mentioned was more than out and he lived in a little street near the college at town which was principally as one of our clerks who lived in that direction informed me by gentlemen students who bought live and made experiments on those in their private apartments having obtained from this clerk a direction to the grove in question i set out the same afternoon to visit my old i found that the street was not as desirable a one as i could have wished it to be for the sake of the inhabitants appeared to have a to throw any little trifles they were not in want of into the road which not only made it rank and but too on account of the leaves the refuse was not wholly vegetable either for i myself saw a shoe a doubled up a black bonnet and an umbrella in various stages of as i was looking out for the number i wanted the general air of the place reminded me forcibly of the days when i lived with mi and an indescribable character of faded that attached to the house i sought and made it unlike all the other houses in the street though they were all built on one monotonous pattern and looked like the early copies of a boy who was learning to make houses and had not yet got out of his cramped brick and mortar reminded me still more of mr and mrs happening to arrive at the door as it was opened to the afternoon i was reminded of mr and mrs more forcibly yet now said the to a very servant girl has that there little bill of mine been on oh master says he attend to it immediate was the reply because said the going on as if he had received no answer and speaking as i judged from his tone rather for the of somebody within the house than of the youthful servant an impression which was strengthened by his manner of glaring down the passage because that there little bill has been running so long that i begin to believe it s run away
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altogether and never won t be of now i m not a going to stand it you know said the still throwing his voice into the house and glaring down the passage as to his dealing in the mild article of milk by the by there never was a gi his would have been fierce in a butcher or a brandy merchant the voice of the youthful servant became faint but she seemed to me of david from action of her lips again to murmur that it would be attended to immediate i tell you what said the looking hard at her for the first time and taking her by the chin are you fond of milk yes i likes it she replied good said the then yon won t have none to morrow d ye hear not a fragment of milk you won t have to morrow i thought she seemed upon the whole relieved by the prospect of having any to day the after shaking his head at her darkly released her chin and with any thing rather than good will opened his can and deposited the usual quantity in the family this done he went away muttering and uttered the cry of his trade next door in a shriek does live here i then a mysterious voice from the end of the passage replied yes upon which the youthful servant replied yes is he at home said i again the mysterious voice replied in the affirmative and again the servant echoed it upon this i walked in and in of the servant s directions walked up stairs conscious as i passed the back parlor door that i was surveyed by a mysterious eye probably belonging to the mysterious voice when i got to the top of the stairs the house was only a story high above the ground floor was on the landing to meet me he was delighted to see me and gave me welcome with gi eat to his little room it was in the front of the house and extremely neat though furnished it was his only room i saw for there was a sofa in it and his and were among his books on the top shelf behind a dictionary his table was covered with papers and he was hard at work in an old coat i looked at nothing that i know of but i saw everything even to the prospect of a church upon his china as i sat down and this too was a faculty confirmed in me in the old times he had made for the disguise of his chest of drawers and the of his boots his glass and so forth particularly impressed themselves upon me as evidences of the same who used to make models of elephant s in writing paper to put flies in and to comfort himself under ill usage with the memorable works of art i have so often mentioned in a corner of the room was something neatly covered up with a large white cloth i could not make out what that was said i shaking hands with him again after i had sat down i am delighted to see j ou i am delighted to see i ou he returned i am very glad indeed to see you it was because i was thoroughly glad to see you when we met in place and was sure you were thoroughly glad to see me that i gave you this address instead of my address at chambers oh you have chambers said i why i have the fourth of a room and a passage and tlie fourth of a clerk returned three others and myself unite to have a set of chambers to look business like and we quarter the clerk too half a crown a week he costs me the personal history and experience his old simple character and good temper and something of his old unlucky fortune also i thought smiled at me in the smile with which he made this explanation it s not because i have the least pride you understand said that i don t usually give my address here it s only on account of those who come to me who might not like to come here for myself i am my way on in the world against difficulties and it would be ridiculous if i made a pretence of doing any thing else you are reading for the bar mr informed me said i why yes said rubbing his hands slowly over one another i am reading for the bar the fact is i have just begun to keep my terms after rather a long delay it s some time since i was but the payment of that hundred pounds was a great pull a great pull said with a as if he had had a tooth out do you know what i can t help thinking of as i sit here at you i asked him no said he that sky blue suit you used to wear lord to be sure cried laughing tight in the arms and legs you know dear me well those were happy times weren t they i think our might have made them happier without doing any harm to any of us i acknowledge i returned perhaps he might said but dear me there was a good deal of fun going on do you remember the nights in the bed room when we used to have the and when you used to tell the stories ha ha ha and do you remember when i got for crying about mr old i should like to see him again too he was a brute to you said i indignantly for his good humour made me feel as if i had seen him beaten but yesterday do you think so returned perhaps he was rather but it
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s all over a long while old you were brought up by an uncle then said l of course i was said the one i was always going to write to and always didn t eh ha ha ha yes i had an uncle then he died soon after i left school indeed yes he was a retired what do you call it cloth merchant and had made me his heir but he didn t like me when i grew up do you really mean that said i he was so composed that i fancied he must have some other meaning dear yes i mean it replied it was an unfortunate thing but he didn t like me at all he said i wasn t at all what he expected and so he married his housekeeper and what did you do i asked i didn t do anything in particular said i lived with them waiting to be put out in the world until his unfortunately flew to his stomach and so he died and so she married a young man and so i wasn t provided for of did you get nothing after all oh dear yes said i got fifty pounds i had never been brought up to any profession and at st i was at a loss what to do for myself however i began with the assistance of the son of a professional man who had been to house with his nose on one side do you recollect him no he had not been there with me all the noses were straight in my day it don t matter said i began by means of his assistance to copy law writings that didn t answer very well and then i began to state cases for them and make and do that sort of work for i am a kind of fellow and had learnt the way of doing such things well that put it in my head to enter myself as a law student and that ran away with all that was left of the fifty pounds recommended me to one or two other offices however mr s for one and i got a good many i was fortunate enough too to become acquainted with a person in the way who was getting up an and he set me to work and indeed glancing at his table i am at work for him at this minute i am not a bad said preserving the same air of cheerful confidence in all he said but i have no invention at all not a i suppose there never was a young man with less originality than i have as seemed to expect that i should assent to this as a matter of course i nodded and he went on with the same patience i can find no better expression as before so by little and little and not living high t managed to scrape up the hundred pounds at last said and thank heaven that s paid though it was though it certainly was said again as if he had had another tooth out a pull i am living by the sort of work i have mentioned still and i hope one of these days to get connected with some newspaper which would almost be the making of my fortune you are so exactly what you used to be with that agreeable face and it s so pleasant to see you that i sha n t conceal anything therefore you must know that i am engaged engaged oh she is a s daughter said one of ten down in yes he saw me glance involuntarily at the prospect on the that s the church you come round here to the left out of this gate tracing his finger along the and exactly where i hold this pen there stands the facing you understand towards the church the with which he entered into these particulars did not fully present itself to me until afterwards for my selfish thoughts were making a ground plan of mr s house and garden at the same moment she is such a dear girl said a little older than me but the dearest girl i told you i was going out of town i have been down there i walked there and i walked back and i had the most delightful time i dare say ours is likely to be a rather long engagement but our motto is wait and hope we always say that wait and hope the personal history and experience we always say and she would wait till she was sixty any age you can mention for me rose from his and w ith a triumphant smile put his hand upon the white cloth i had observed however he said it s not that we haven t made a beginning towards housekeeping no no we have begun we must get on by degrees but we have begun here drawing the cloth off with great pride and care are two pieces of to commence with this flower pot and stand she bought herself tou put that in a said falling a little back from it to survey it with the greater admiration with a plant in it and and there you are this little round table with the marble top it s two feet ten in i bought tou want to lay a book down you know or somebody comes to see you or your wife and wants a place to stand a cup of tea upon and and there you are again said it s an admirable piece of firm as a rock i praised them both highly and replaced the covering as carefully as he had removed it it s not a great deal towards the furnishing said but it s something
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the table and cases and articles of that kind are what me most so does the candle boxes and and that sort of necessaries because those things tell and mount up however wait and hope i and i assure you she s the dearest girl i am quite certain of it said i in the mean time said coming back to his chair and this is the end of my about myself i get on as well as i can i don t make much but i don t spend much in general i board with the people down stairs who are very agreeable people indeed both mr and have seen a good deal of life and are excellent company my dear i quickly exclaimed what are you talking about looked at me as if he wondered what j was talking about mr and mi s i repeated why i am intimately acquainted with them an double knock at the door which i knew well from old experience in ten ace and which nobody but ever have knocked at that door resolved any doubt in my mind as to their being my old friends i begged to ask his landlord to walk up accordingly did so over the and mi not a bit changed his his stick his shirt and his eye glass all the same as ever came into the room with a genteel and youthful air i beg your pardon mr said mr with the old roll in his voice as he checked himself in humming a soft tune i was not aware that there was any individual alien to this in your mr slightly bowed to me and up his shirt collar how do you do mr said i sir said mr you are exceedingly obliging i am in of david and mrs i pursued sir said mr she is also thank god in and the children mr sir said mr i rejoice to reply that they are likewise in the enjoyment of all this time mr had not known me in the least though he had stood face to face with me but now seeing me smile he examined my features with more attention fell back cried is it possible have i tlie pleasure of again beholding and shook me by both hands with the utmost good heaven mr said mr to think that i should find you acquainted with the friend of my youth the companion of earlier days my dear calling over the to mrs while looked with reason not a little amazed at this description of me here is a gentleman in mr s apartment whom he wishes to have the pleasure of presenting to you my love mr immediately reappeared and shook hands with me again and how is our good friend the doctor said mr and all the circle at i have none but good accounts of them said i i am most delighted to hear it said mr it was at where we last met within the shadow i may say of that religious edifice by which was the resort of from the remotest corners of in short said j ii in the immediate neighbourhood of the cathedral i replied that it was mr continued talking as as he could but not i thought without showing by some marks of concern in his countenance that he was sensible of sounds in the next room as of mrs washing her hands and hm opening and shutting drawers that were uneasy in their action you find us said mr with one eye on at present established on what may be as a small and scale but you are aware that i have in the course of my career surmounted difficulties and conquered obstacles you are no stranger to the fact that there have been periods of my life when it has been requisite that i should until certain expected events should tm n up when it has been that i should fall back before making what i trust i shall not be accused of presumption in a spring the present is one of those momentous stages in the life of man you find me back for a spring and i have every reason to believe that a vigorous leap will shortly be the result i was expressing my satisfaction when mrs came in a little more than she used to be or so she seemed now to my eyes but still with some preparation of herself for company and with a pair of brown gloves on my dear said mr leading her towards me here is a gentleman of the name of who wishes to renew his acquaintance with you it would have been better as it turned out to have led gently up to his announcement for mi s being in a delicate state of health the personal history and experience was overcome by it and was taken so that ir was obliged in great to run down to the water butt in the back yard and draw a to lave her brow with she presently revived however and was really pleased to see me we had half s talk all together and i asked her about the who she said were gi own great creatures and after master and miss whom she described as absolute giants but they were not produced on that occasion mr was very anxious that i should stay to dinner i should not have been averse to do so but that i imagined i detected trouble and calculation relative to the extent of the cold meat in mrs s eye i therefore pleaded another engagement and observing that mrs s spirits were immediately lightened i resisted all persuasion to forego it but i told and mr and mrs that before i could think of leaving they must a day when they would come and dine with me the occupations to
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which stood pledged rendered it necessary to fix a somewhat distant one but an appointment was made for the purpose that suited us all and then i took my leave mr under pretence of showing me a nearer way than that by which i had come accompanied me to the corner of the street being anxious he explained to me to say a few words to an old friend in confidence my dear said i need hardly tell you that to have beneath our roof under existing circumstances a mind like that which if i may be allowed the expression which in your friend is an unspeakable comfort with a who hard for sale in her parlor window dwelling next door and a bow street officer over the way you may imagine that his society is a source of consolation to myself and to i am at present my dear engaged in the sale of corn upon commission it is not an of a description in other words it does not pay and some temporary of a pecuniary nature have been the consequence i am however delighted to add that i have now an immediate prospect of something turning up i am not at liberty to say in what direction which trust will enable me to provide permanently both for myself and for friend in whom i have an unaffected interest you may perhaps be prepared to hear that mrs is in a state of health which renders it not wholly improbable that an addition may be ultimately made to those of affection which in short to the group mrs s family have been so good as to express their dissatisfaction with this state of things i have merely to observe that i am not aware it is any business of theirs and that i that exhibition of feeling with scorn and defiance mr then shook hands with me again and left me i of david chapter mr s until the day arrived on which i was to entertain my newly found old friends i lived principally on and coffee in my love condition my appetite and i was glad of it for i felt as though it would have been an act of towards to have a natural relish for my dinner the quantity of walking exercise i took was not in this respect attended with its usual consequence as the disappointment the fresh air i have my doubts too founded on the acute experience acquired at this period of my life whether a sound enjoyment of animal food can develop itself freely in any human subject who is always in torment from tight boots i think the require to be at peace before the stomach will conduct itself vigour on the occasion of this domestic little party did not repeat my former extensive preparations i merely provided a pair of a leg of mutton and a pigeon pie mrs broke out into rebellion on my st hint in reference to the cooking of the fish and joint and said with a dignified sense of injury no no su you will not ask me a thing for you are better acquainted with me than to suppose me capable of doing what i cannot do with satisfaction to my own feelings but in the end a compromise was effected and consented to achieve this feat on condition that i dined from home for a fortnight afterwards and here i may remark that what i from mis in consequence of the tyranny she established over me was dreadful i never was so much afraid of any one we made a compromise of everything k i hesitated she was taken with that wonderful disorder which was always lying in in her system ready at the shortest notice to prey upon her if i rang the impatiently after half a dozen modest and she appeared at last which was not by any means to be relied upon she would appear with a aspect sink breathless on a chair near the door lay her hand upon her bosom and become so iu that i was glad at any sacrifice of brandy or anything else to get rid of her if i objected to having my bed made at five o clock in the afternoon which i do stiu think an uncomfortable arrangement one motion of her hand towards the same region of wounded sensibility was enough to make me an apology in short i would have done anything in an honorable way rather than give mrs offence and she was the terror of my hfe i bought a second hand dumb waiter for this dinner party in preference to re engaging the handy young man against whom i had conceived a prejudice in consequence of meeting him in the strand one sunday morning in a waistcoat remarkably like one of mine which had been the personal and experience ing since the former occasion the young was re engaged but on the that she should only bring in the dishes and then the landing place beyond the outer door where a habit of she had contracted would be lost upon the guests and where her retiring on the plates would be a physical impossibility having laid in the materials for a bowl of punch to be by mr having provided a bottle of water two wax candles a paper of mixed pins and a to assist mrs in her at my dressing table having also caused the in my bed room to be lighted for mrs s convenience and having laid the cloth with my own hands i awaited the result with composure at the appointed time my three visitors arrived together mr with more shirt collar than usual and a new ribbon to his eye glass mrs n ith her cap in a brown paper parcel dies the parcel and supporting mrs on his
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arm they were all delighted with my residence when i conducted to my dressing table and she saw the scale on which it was prepared for her she was in such that she called mr to come in and look my dear said mr this is luxurious this is a way of life which reminds me of the period when i was myself in a state of and mrs had not yet been to plight her faith at the altar he means by him mr said mrs he cannot answer for others my dear returned mr with sudden seriousness i have no desire to answer for others i am too well aware that when in the inscrutable of fate you were reserved for me it is possible you may have been reserved for one destined after a protracted struggle at length to fall a victim to pecuniary of a complicated nature i understand your allusion my love i regret it but i can bear it exclaimed mrs in tears have i deserved this i who never have deserted you who never will desert you my love said mr much affected you will forgive and our old and tried friend will i am sure forgive the momentary of a wounded spirit made sensitive by a recent collision with the of power in other words with a attached to the water works and will pity not condemn its mr then embraced mrs and pressed my hand leaving me to infer from this broken allusion that his domestic supply of water had been cut off that afternoon in consequence of in the payment of the company s to divert his thoughts from this melancholy subject i informed mr that i relied upon him for a bowl of punch and led him to the his recent despondency not to say despair was gone in a moment i never saw a man so thoroughly enjoy himself amid the fragrance of and sugar the of burning rum and the steam of boiling water as ir did that afternoon it was of david wonderful to see his face at us out of a thin cloud of these delicate as he stirred and mixed and tasted and looked as if he were making instead of punch a fortune for his family down to the latest posterity as to mrs i don t know whether it was the effect of the cap or the water or the pins or the fire or the wax candles but she came out of my room comparatively speaking lovely and the lark was never than that excellent woman i suppose i never ventured to inquire but i suppose that mrs after the was taken ill because we broke down at that point the leg of mutton came up very red within and very pale without besides having a foreign substance of a nature sprinkled over it as if it had had a fall into the ashes of that remarkable kitchen fire place but we were not in a condition to judge of this fact from the appearance of the as the young had dropped it all upon the stairs where it remained by the by in a long train until it was worn out the pigeon pie was not bad but it was a pie the crust being like a head speaking full of and with nothing particular underneath in short the banquet was such a failure that i should have been quite unhappy about the failure i mean for i was always unhappy about ii i had not been relieved by the great good humour of my company and by a bright suggestion from mr my dear friend said mr accidents will occur in the best regulated families and in families not regulated by that influence which while it the a i would say in short by the influence of woman in the lofty character of wife they may be expected with confidence and must be borne with philosophy if you will allow me to take the liberty of remarking that there are few better in their way than a devil and that i believe with a little division of labor we could accomplish a good one if the young person in attendance could produce a i would put it to you that this little misfortune may be easily repaired there was a in the on which my morning of bacon was cooked we had it in in a twinkling and immediately applied ourselves to carrying mr s idea into effect the division of labor to which he had referred was this dies cut the mutton into mr who could do anything of this sort to perfection covered them with salt and i put them on the turned them with a fork and took them off under mr s directions and mrs heated and continually stirred some in a little when we had enough done to begin upon we fell to with our sleeves still tucked up at the wrists more and blazing on the fire and our attention divided between the mutton on our plates and the mutton then preparing what with the novelty of this the excellence of it the bustle of it the frequent starting up to look after it the frequent sitting down to dispose of it as the crisp came off the hot and hot the being so busy so flushed with the fire so amused and in the midst of such a tempting noise and we reduced the leg of mutton to the bone my own appetite came back i am ashamed to r the personal history and experience record it but i really believe i forgot for a little while i am satisfied that ml and mrs could not have enjoyed the feast more if they had sold a bed to provide it laughed as heartily almost the whole time as he ate and worked
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indeed we all did all at once j and i dare say there never was a greater success we were at the height of our enjoyment and were all busily engaged in our several endeavouring to bring the last of to a state of perfection that should crown the feast when i was aware of a strange presence in the room and my eyes encountered those of the staid standing hat in hand before me what s the matter i involuntarily asked i beg your pardon sir i was directed to come in is my master not here sir no have you not seen him sir no don t you come from him not immediately so sir did he tell you you would find him here not exactly so sir but i should think he might be here to morrow as he has not been here to day is he coming up from oxford i beg sir he returned respectfully that you will be seated and allow me to do this with which he took the fork from my hand and bent over the as if his whole attention were concentrated on it we should not have been much i dare say by the appearance of himself but we became in a moment the of the meek before his respectable serving man mr humming a tune to show that he was quite at ease subsided into his chair with the handle of a hastily concealed fork sticking out of the bosom of his coat as if he had himself mrs put on her brown gloves and assumed a genteel languor ran his greasy hands through his hair and stood it bolt upright and stared in confusion at the table cloth as for me i was a mere infant at the head of my own table and hardly ventured to glance at the respectable phenomenon who had come from heaven knows where to put my establishment to rights meanwhile he took the mutton off the and gravely handed it round we all took some but our appreciation of it was gone and we merely made a show of eating it as we pushed away our plates he noiselessly removed them and set on the cheese he took that off too when it was done with cleared the table piled everything on the dumb waiter gave us our wine glasses and of his own accord wheeled the dumb waiter into the all this was done in a perfect manner and he never raised his eyes from what he was about yet his very elbows when he had his back towards me seemed to with the expression of his fixed opinion that i was extremely young can i do anything more sir i thanked him and said no but would he take no dinner himself none i am obliged to you sir is mr coming from oxford of david i beg your pardon sir is mr coming from oxford i should imagine that he might be here to morrow sir i rather thought he might have been here to day sir the mistake is mine no doubt sir if you should see him first said i if you excuse me sir i don t think i shall see him first in case you do said i pray say that i am sorry he was not here to day as an old of his was here indeed sir and he divided a bow between me and with a glance at the latter he was moving softly to the door when in a forlorn hope of saying something naturally which i never could to this man i said oh sir did you remain long at that time not particularly so sir you saw the boat completed yes sir i remained behind on purpose to see the boat completed i know he raised his eyes to mine respectfully mr has not seen it yet i suppose i really can t say sir i think but i really can t say sir i wish you good night sir he comprehended everybody present in the respectful bow with which he followed these words and disappeared my visitors seemed to breathe more freely when he was gone but my own relief was very great for besides the arising from that extraordinary sense of being at a disadvantage which i always had in this man s presence my conscience had embarrassed me with whispers that i had his master and i could not repress a vague uneasy dread that he might find it out how was it having so little in reality to conceal that i always did feel as if this man were finding me out mr roused me from this reflection which was blended with a certain apprehension of seeing himself by many on the absent as a most respectable fellow and a thoroughly admirable servant mr i may remark had taken his full share of the general bow and had received it with infinite condescension but punch my dear said mr it like time and tide waits for no man ah it is at the present moment in high flavor my love wiu you give me your opinion mrs pronounced it excellent then i will drink said mr if my friend will permit me to take that social liberty to the days when my friend and myself were younger and fought our way in the world side by side i may say of myself and in words we have sung together before now that we run about the and d the go fine the personal history and experience in a point of view on several occasions i am not aware said mr the old roll in his voice and the old indescribable air of saying something genteel what go may be but i have no doubt that and myself would frequently have taken a pull at them if it had
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been mr at the then present moment took a pull at his punch so we all did evidently lost in wondering at what distant time mr and i could possibly have been comrades in the battle of the world said mr clearing his throat and warming with the punch and with the fire my dear another glass i ii s said it must be very little but we couldn t allow that so it was a as we are quite confidential here mr said mrs her punch mr being a part of our i should much like to have your opinion on mr s prospects for corn said mrs as i have to mr may be gentlemanly but it is not commission to the extent of two and in a fortnight cannot however limited om ideas be considered we were all agreed upon that then said mrs who herself on taking a clear view of things and keeping mr straight by her woman s wisdom when he might otherwise go a little crooked then i ask myself this question if corn is not to be relied upon what is ai e coals to be relied upon not at all we have turned our attention to that experiment on the suggestion of my family and we find it mr leaning back in his chair with his hands in his pockets eyed us aside and nodded his head as much as to say that the case was very clearly put the articles of corn and coals said mrs still more being equally out of the question mr i naturally look round the world and say what is there in which a person of mr s talent is likely to succeed and i the doing anything on commission because commission is not a certainty what is best suited to a person of mr s peculiar temperament is i am convinced a certainty and i both expressed by a feeling murmur that this great discovery was no doubt true of mr and that it did him much credit i will not conceal from you my dear mr said mrs that have long felt the business to be particularly adapted to mr look at and look at and it is on that extensive footing that mr i know from my own knowledge of him is calculated to shine and the profits i am told are e nor but if mr cannot get into those which decline to answer his letters when he offers his services even in an inferior capacity what is the use of dwelling upon that idea none i may have a conviction that mr s manners of david hem really my dear interposed mr my love be silent said mrs laying her brown glove on his hand i may have a conviction mr that mr s manners peculiarly him for the business i may argue within myself that if had a deposit at a house the manners of mr as representing that house inspire confidence and must extend the but if the various houses refuse to avail themselves of mr s abilities or receive the offer of them with what is the use of dwelling upon thai idea none as to a business i may know that there are of my family who if they chose to place their money in mr s hands might found an establishment of that description but if they do not choose to place their money in s which they don t what is the use of that again i contend that we are no farther advanced than we were before i shook my head and said not a bit also shook his head and said not a bit what do from this mrs went an to say still with the same air of putting a case what is the conclusion my dear mr to which i am irresistibly brought am i wrong in saying it is clear that we must live i answered not at all and answered not at all and i found myself afterwards adding alone that a person must either live or die just so returned mi s it is precisely that and the fact is my dear mr that we can not live without something widely different from existing circumstances shortly turning up now i am convinced myself and this i have pointed out to mr several times of late that things cannot be expected to turn up of themselves we must in a measure assist to turn them up i may be wrong but i have formed that opinion both and i applauded it highly very well said mrs then what do i recommend here is mr with a variety of with great talent my love said pray my dear allow me to conclude here is mr with a variety of with great talent i should say with genius but that may be the partiality of a wife and i both murmured no and here is mr without any suitable position or employment where does that responsibility rest clearly on society then i would make a fact so disgraceful known and boldly challenge society to set it right it appears to me my dear mr said mrs forcibly that what mr has to do is to thi ow down the to society and say in effect show me who will take that up let the party immediately step forward i ventured to ask mrs how this was to be done by said mrs in all the papers it appears to me that what mr has to do in justice to himself in justice the personal history and experience to his family and i will even go so far as to say in justice to society by which he has been hitherto overlooked is to in all the papers to describe himself plainly as so and so with such and such and
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to put it thus now employ me on terms and address post paid to w if post office town this idea of mrs s my dear said mr making his shirt collar meet in front of his chin and glancing at me sideways is in fact the leap to which i alluded when i last had the pleasure of seeing you is rather expensive i remarked exactly so said mrs preserving the same logical air quite true my dear mr i have made the identical observation to mr it is for that reason especially that think mr ought as i have already said in justice to himself in justice to his and in justice to society to raise a certain sum of money on mr leaning back in his chair with his eye glass and cast his eyes up at the ceiling but i thought him observant of too who was looking at the fire if no member of my family said mrs is possessed of sufficient natural feeling to that bill i believe there is a better business term to express what i mean mr with his eyes still cast up at the ceiling suggested to that said mrs then my opinion is that mr should go into the city should take that bill into the money market and should dispose of it for what he can get if the individuals in the money market oblige mr to sustain a great sacrifice that is between themselves and their i view it steadily as an i recommend mr my dear mr to do the same to regard it as an which is sure of return and to make up his mind to any sacrifice i felt but i am sure i don t know why that this was self denying and devoted in mrs and i uttered a murmur to that effect who took his tone from me did likewise still looking at the fire i will not said mrs finishing her punch and gathering her about her shoulders preparatory to her to my bedroom i will not these remarks on the subject of mr s pecuniary affairs at your fireside my dear mr and in the presence of mr who though not so old a friend is quite one of ourselves i could not refrain from making you acquainted with the course advise mr to take i feel that the time is arrived when mr should exert himself and i will add assert himself and it appears to me that these are the means i am aware that i am merely a female and that a masculine judgment is usually considered more competent to the discussion of such questions still i must not forget that when i lived at home with my papa and my papa was in the habit of saying s form is fragile but her grasp of a subject is inferior to none that my papa was too partial i well know but that he was an observer of character in some degree my duty and my reason equally forbid me to doubt op david with these words and resisting our entreaties that she would grace the remaining circulation of the punch with her presence mrs retired to my bed room and really i felt that she was a noble woman the sort of woman who might have been a matron and done all manner of heroic things in times of public trouble in the of this impression i congratulated mr on the treasure he possessed so did mr extended his hand to each of us in succession and then covered his face with his which i think had more snuff upon it than he was aware of he then returned to the punch in the highest state of he was full of eloquence he gave us to understand that in our children we lived again and that under the pressure of pecuniary difficulties any accession to their number was doubly welcome he said that had had her doubts on this point but that he liad them and reassured her as to her family they were totally unworthy of her and their sentiments were utterly indifferent to him and they might i quote his own expression go to the devil mr then delivered a warm on he said s was a character to the steady virtues of which he mr could lay no claim but which he thanked heaven he could admire he alluded to the young lady unknown whom had honored with his affection and who had that affection by and blessing with lier affection mr pledged her so did i thanked us both by saying with a simplicity and honesty i had sense enough to be quite charmed with i am very much obliged to you indeed and i do assure you she s the dearest girl mr took an early opportunity after that of with the utmost delicacy and ceremony at the state of my affections nothing but the serious assurance of his friend field to the contrary he observed could deprive him of the impression that his friend loved and was beloved after feeling very hot and uncomfortable for some time and after a good deal of blushing and denying i said having my glass in my hand well i would give them d which so excited and gratified mr that he ran with a glass of punch into my bed room in order that mrs might drink d who drank it with enthusiasm crying from within in a shrill voice hear hear my dear mr i am delighted hear and tapping at the wall by way of applause our conversation afterwards took a more worldly turn mr telling us that he found town inconvenient and that the first thing he contemplated doing when the advertisement should have been the cause of something satisfactory turning up was to move he mentioned a terrace at
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am very well said i and not at all to night though i confess to another party of three all of whom i met in the street talking loud in your praise returned who s our friend in the i gave him the best idea i could in a few words of mr he laughed heartily at my feeble portrait of that gentleman and said he was a man to know and he must know him but who do you suppose our other friend is said i in my turn heaven knows said not a bore i hope i thought he looked a little like one i replied triumphantly who s he asked in his careless way don t you remember in our room at house oh that fellow said beating a lump of coal on the top of the fire with the is he as soft as ever and where the deuce did you pick him up i in reply as highly as i could for i felt that rather him the subject with a light the personal history and experience nod and a smile and the remark that he would be glad to see the old fellow too for he had always been an odd fish inquired if i could give him anything to eat during most of this short dialogue when he had not been speaking in a wild manner he had sat idly beating on the lump of coal with the i observed that he did the same thing while i was getting out the remains of the pigeon pie and so forth why here s a supper for a king he exclaimed starting out of his silence with a burst and taking his seat at the table i do it justice for i have come from i thought you came from oxford i returned not i said i have been better employed was here to day to inquire for you i remarked and i understood him that you were at oxford though now i think of it he certainly did not say so is a greater fool than i thought him to have been inquiring for me at all said pouring out a glass of vine and drinking to me as to him you are a fellow than most of us if you can do that that s true indeed said t moving my chair to the table so you have been at interested to know all about it have you been there long no he returned an of a week or so and how are they all of course little is not married yet not yet going to be i believe in so many weeks or months or something or other i have not seen much of em by the by he laid down his knife and fork which he had been using with great diligence and began feeling in his pockets i have a letter for you from whom why from your old nurse he returned taking some papers out of his breast pocket j to the willing mind that s not it patience and we find it presently old what name s in a bad way and it s about that i believe do you mean yes still feeling in his pockets and looking over their contents it s all over with poor i am afraid i saw a little there surgeon or whatever he is who brought your worship into the world he was mighty learned about the case to me but the of his opinion was that the was making his last journey rather fast put your hand into the breast pocket of my great coat on the chair yonder and i think you find the letter is it there here it is said i that s right it was from j something less than usual and brief it informed me of her husband s hopeless state and hinted at his being a little nearer than heretofore and consequently more difficult to manage for his own comfort it said nothing of her weariness and watching and praised him highly it was written with a plain unaffected homely piety that i knew to be genuine and ended with my duty to my ever darling meaning myself while i it continued to eat and drink i i of david it s a bad job he said when i had done but the sun sets and people die every minute and we mustn t be scared by the common lot if we failed to hold our own because that equal foot at all men s doors was heard knocking somewhere every object in this world would slip from us no on shod if need be smooth shod if that will do but ride on over all obstacles and win the race and win what race said i the race that one has started in said he on i noticed i remember as he paused looking at me with his handsome head a little thrown back and his glass raised in his hand that though the freshness of the sea wind was on his face and it was ruddy there were traces in it made since i last saw it as if he had applied himself to some habitual strain of the fervent energy which when roused was so passionately roused within him i had it in my thoughts to with him upon his desperate way of pursuing any fancy that he took such as this of rough seas and of hard weather for example when my mind glanced off to the immediate subject of our conversation again and pursued that instead i tell you what said i if your high spirits will listen to me they are potent spirits and will do whatever you like he answered moving from the table to the fireside again then i tell you what i think i
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will go down and see my old nurse it is not that i can do her any good or render her any real service but she is so attached to me that my visit will have as much effect on her as if i could do both she will take it so kindly that it will be a comfort and support to her it is no great effort to make i am e for such a friend as she has been to me wouldn t you go a day s journey if you were in my place his face was thoughtful and he sat considering a little before he answered in a low voice well go you can do no harm you have just come back said i and it would be in vain to ask you to go with me quite he returned i am for to night i have not seen my mother this long time and it lies upon my conscience for it s something to be loved as she loves her prodigal son nonsense you mean to go to morrow i suppose he said holding me out at arm s length with a hand on each of my shoulders yes i think so well then don t go till next day i wanted you to come and stay a few days with us here i am on purpose to bid you and you fly off to you are a nice fellow to talk of flying off who are always running wild on some unknown expedition or other he looked at me for a moment without speaking and then rejoined still holding me as before and giving me a shake come say the next day and pass as much of to morrow as you can with us who knows when we may meet again else come say the next day i want you to stand between and me and keep us asunder would you love each other too much without me the personal and experience yes or hate laughed no matter which come say the next day i said the next day and he put on his great coat and lighted his cigar and set off to walk home finding him in this intention i put on my own great coat but did not light my own cigar having had enough of that for one while and walked with him as far as the open road a dull road then at night he was in great spirits all the way and when we parted and i looked after him going so gallantly and homeward i thought of his saying ride on over all obstacles and win the race and wished for the first time that he had some worthy race to run i was in my own room when mr s letter tumbled on the floor thus reminded of it i broke the seal and read as follows it was dated an hour and a half before dinner i am not sure whether i have mentioned that when mr was at any particularly desperate crisis he used a sort of legal which he seemed to think equivalent to winding up his affairs sir for i dare not say my dear it is expedient that i should inform you that the is some flickering efforts to spare you the premature of his position you may observe in him this day but hope has sunk beneath the horizon and the is crushed the present communication is within the personal range i cannot call it the society of an individual in a state closely on employed by a that individual is in legal possession of the premises under a distress for rent his not only the and effects of every description belonging to the as yearly tenant of this habitation but also those to mr thomas a member of the honourable society of the inner temple if any drop of gloom were wanting in the overflowing cup which is now commended in the language of an immortal writer to the lips of the it would be found in the fact that a friendly acceptance granted to the by the before mentioned mr thomas for the sum of s c is over due and is not provided for also in the fact that the living clinging to the will in the course of nature be increased by the sum of one more helpless victim whose miserable appearance may be looked for in round numbers at the of a period not exceeding six months from the present date after thus much it would be a work of to add that dust and ashes are for ever scattered on the head of poor i knew enough of mr by this time to foresee that he might be expected to recover the blow but my night s rest was sorely distressed by thoughts of and of the s daughter who was one of ten down in and who was such a dear girl and who would wait for ominous praise until she was sixty or any age that could be mentioned of david i visit at his home again i mentioned to mr in the morning that i wanted leave of absence for a short time and as i was not in the receipt of any salary and consequently was not to the there was no difficulty about it i took that opportunity with my voice sticking in my throat and my sight failing as i uttered the words to express my hope that miss was quite well to which mr replied with no more emotion than if he had been speaking of an ordinary human being that he was much obliged to me and she was very well we clerks as of the order of were treated with so much consideration that i was almost ray own master at all times as i did not care
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however to get to before one or two o clock in the day and as we had another little case in court that morning which was called the office of the judge promoted by against for his soul s i passed an hour or two in attendance on it with mr very agreeably it arose out of a between two one of whom was alleged to have pushed the other against a pump the handle of which pump projecting into a school house which school house was under a of the made the push an offence it was an amusing case and sent me up to on the box of the stage coach thinking about the k and what mr had said about touching the and bringing down the country mrs was pleased to see me and so was i was agreeably surprised to find that was not there and that we were attended by a modest little parlor maid with blue ribbons in her cap eye it was much more pleasant and much less to catch by accident than the eye of that respectable man but what i particularly observed before i had been half an hour in the house was the close and attentive watch miss kept upon me and the lurking manner in which she seemed to compare my face with s and s with mine and to lie in wait for something to come out between the two so surely as i looked towards her did i see that eager with its gaunt black eyes and searching brow intent on mine or passing suddenly from mine to s or both of us at once in this like scrutiny she was so far from faltering when she saw i observed it that at such a time she only fixed her piercing look upon me with a more intent expression still as i was and knew that i was in reference to any wrong she could possibly suspect me of i shrunk before her strange eyes quite unable to e their hungry lustre day she seemed to the whole house if i talked to the personal history and experience in his room i heard her dress rustle in the little gallery outside when he and i engaged in some of our old exercises on the lawn behind the house i saw her face pass from window to window like a wandering light until it fixed itself in one and watched us when we all four went out walking in the afternoon she closed her thin hand on my arm like a spring to keep me back while and his mother went on out of hearing and then spoke to me you have been a long time she said without coming here is your profession really so engaging and interesting as to your whole attention i ask because i always want to be informed when i am ignorant is it really though i replied that i liked it weu enough but that i certainly could not claim so much for it oh i am glad to know that because i always like to be put right when i am wrong said you mean it is a little dry perhaps well i replied perhaps it a little dry oh and that s a reason why you want relief and change excitement and all that said she ah very true but isn t it a little eh for him i don t mean you a quick glance of her eye towards the spot where was walking with his mother leaning on his arm showed me whom she meant but beyond that i was quite lost and i looked so i have no doubt don t it i don t say that it does mind i want to know don t it rather him don t it make him perhaps a little more than usual in his visits to his blindly eh with another quick glance at them and such a glance at me as seemed to look into my thoughts miss i returned pray do not think i don t she said oh dear me don t suppose that i think anything i am not suspicious i only ask a question i don t state any opinion i want to found an opinion on what you tell me then it s not so well i am very glad to know it it certainly is not the fact said i perplexed that i am for s having been away from home longer than usual if he has been which i really don t know at this moment unless i understand it from vou i have not seen him this long while until last night no indeed miss no as she looked full at me i saw her face grow and paler and the marks of the old wound out until it cut through the lip and deep into the lip and down the face there was something positively awful to me in this and in the brightness of her eyes as she said looking at me what is he doing i repeated the words more to myself than her being so amazed what is he doing she said with an eagerness that enough to her like a fire in what is that man assisting him who never looks at me without an inscrutable falsehood in his eyes if you are honorable and faithful i don t ask you to betray your friend i ask of david you only to tell me is it anger is it hatred is it pride is it restlessness is it some wild fancy is it love what is it that is leading him miss i returned how shall i tell you so that you will believe me that i know of nothing in different from what there was when i first came here i can think of nothing
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i firmly believe there is nothing i hardly understand even what you mean as she still looked at me a or throbbing from which i could not the idea of pain came into that cruel mark and lifted up the corner of her lip as if with scorn or with a pity that despised its object she put her hand upon it hurriedly a hand so thin and delicate that when i had seen her hold it up before the fire to shade her face i had compared it in my thoughts to fine and saying in a quick fierce passionate way i swear you to about this said not a word more mrs was particularly happy in her son s society and was on this occasion particularly attentive and respectful to her it was very interesting to me to see them together not only on account of their mutual affection but because of the strong personal resemblance between them and the manner in which what was haughty or impetuous in him was softened by age and sex in her to a gracious dignity i thought more than once that it was well no serious cause of division had ever come between them or two such natures i ought rather to express it two such shades of the same nature might have been harder to reconcile than the two in creation the idea did not in my own i am bound to confess but in a speech of s she said at dinner oh but do tell me though somebody because i have been thinking about it all day and i want to know you want to know what returned mrs pray pray do not be mysterious mysterious she cried oh really do you consider me so do i constantly entreat you said mrs to speak plainly in your own natural manner oh then this is not my natural manner she rejoined now you must really bear with me because i ask for information we never know ourselves it has become a second nature said mrs without any displeasure but i remember and so must you i think when your manner was different when it was not so guarded and was more i am sure you are right she returned and so it is that bad habits grow upon one less guarded and more how can i have changed i wonder that s very odd i must study to regain my former self i wish you would said mrs with a smile oh really will you know she answered i will learn frankness from let me see from james you cannot learn frankness said mrs quickly for there was always some effect of sarcasm in what said though x the personal and experience it was said as this was in tlie most unconscious in tlie world in a better school that i am sure of she answered with uncommon if i am sure of anything of course you know i am sure of that mrs appeared to me to regret having been a little for she presently said in a kind tone well my dear we have not heard what it is that you want to be satisfied about that i want to be satisfied about she replied with provoking coldness oh it was only whether people who are like each other in their moral constitution is that the phrase it s as good a phrase as another said thank you whether people who are like each other in their moral constitution are in greater danger than people not so supposing any serious cause of to arise between them of being divided angrily and deeply i should say yes said should you she retorted dear me supposing then for instance any unlikely thing will do for a supposition that you and your mother were to have a serious quarrel my dear interposed mrs laughing good suggest some other supposition james and i know our duty to each other better i pray heaven oh said miss nodding her head thoughtfully to be sure t would prevent it why of course it would ex now i am glad i have been so foolish as to put the case for it is so very good to know that your duty to each other would prevent it thank you very much one other little circumstance connected with miss i must not omit for i had reason to remember it thereafter when all the past was rendered plain during the whole of this day but especially from this period of it exerted himself with his utmost and that was with his utmost ease to charm this singular creature into a pleasant and pleased companion that he should succeed was no matter of surprise to me that she should struggle against the fascinating influence of his delightful art delightful nature i thought it then did not surprise me either for i knew that she was sometimes and perverse i saw her features and her manner slowly change i saw her look at him with growing admiration i saw her try more and more faintly but always angrily as if she condemned a weakness in herself to resist the power that he possessed and finally i saw her sharp glance soften and her smile become quite gentle and i ceased to be afraid of her as i had really been all day and we all sat about the fire talking and laughing together with as little reserve as if we had been children whether it was because we had sat there so long or because was resolved not to lose the advantage he had gained i do ot know but we did not remain in the dining room more than five minutes after h r e she is playing her harp said softly at the david drawing room door and nobody
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in somebody else s pipe what not in your own eh mr returned laughing all the better sir bad habit for a young man take a seat i smoke myself for the of david mr lad made room for me and placed a chair he now sat down again very much out of breath gasping at his pipe as if it contained a supply of that necessary without which he must perish i am sorry to have heard bad news of mr said i mr looked at me with a steady countenance and shook his head do you know how he is to night i asked the very question i should have put to you sir returned mr but on account of delicacy it s one of the of our line of business when a party s ill we cant ask how the party is the difficulty had not occurred to me though i had had my apprehensions too when i went in of hearing the old tune on its being mentioned i recognised it however and said as much yes yes you understand said ir nodding his head we t do it bless you it would be a shock that the of parties t recover to say and s compliments and how do you find self this morning or this afternoon as it may be ir and i nodded at each other and ir his wind by the aid of his pipe it s one of the things that cut the trade from attentions they could often wish to show said mr take myself if i have known a year to move to as he went by i have known him forty year but can t go and say how is he i felt it was rather hard on mr and i told him so i m not more self interested i hope than another man said mr look at me my wind may fail me at any moment and it ain t likely that to my own knowledge i d be self interested under such circumstances i say it ain t likely in a man who knows his wind will go when it go as if a pair of was cut open and that man a grandfather said mr i said not at all it ain t that i complain of my line of business said mr it ain t that some good and some bad goes no doubt to all what i wish is that parties were brought up stronger minded mr with a very complacent and amiable face took several in silence and then said his first point accordingly we re in how goes on to limit ourselves to em ly she knows what our real objects are and she don t have any more or suspicions about us than if we was so many and have just stepped down to the house in fact she s there after hours helping her aunt a bit to ask her how he is tonight and if you was to please to wait till they come back they d give you full will you take something a glass of and water now i smoke on and water myself said mr taking up his glass because it s considered softening to the passages by which this troublesome breath of mine gets into action but lord bless you said mr it ain t the passages that s out of order give me breath enough says i to my daughter and u find passages my dear he really had no breath to spare and it was very alarming to see him laugh when he was again in a condition to be talked to i thanked him the personal history and experience for the proffered refreshment which i declined as i had just had dinner and observing that i would wait since he was so good as to invite until his daughter and his son in law came back i inquired how little well sir said mr removing his pipe that he might rub his chin i tell you truly i shall be glad when her marriage has taken place why so i inquired well she s unsettled at present said mr it ain t that she s not as pretty as ever for she s prettier i do assure you she is prettier it ain t that she don t work as well as ever for she does she was worth any six and she is worth any six somehow she wants heart if you understand said mr after rubbing his chin again and smoking a little what i mean in a general way by the expression a long pull and a strong pull and a pull altogether my i should say to you that that was in a general way what i miss in em ly mr s face and manner went for so much that i could nod my head as his meaning my quickness of apprehension seemed to please him and he went on now i consider this is principally on account of her being in an unsettled state you see we have talked it over a good deal her uncle and myself and her sweetheart and myself after business and consider it is principally on account of her being unsettled you must always of em ly said mr shaking his head gently that she s a most extraordinary affectionate little thing the proverb says you can t make a silk purse out of a sow s ear well i don t know about that i rather think you may if you begin early in life she has made a home out of that old boat sir that stone and marble couldn t beat i am sure she has said i to see the clinging of that pretty little thing to her uncle said mr to see the way she holds on to
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him and and closer and closer every day is to see a sight now you know there s a struggle going on when that s the case why should it be made a longer one than is needful i listened attentively to the good old fellow and with all my heart in what he said therefore i mentioned to them said mr in a comfortable easy going tone this i said now don t consider em ly nailed down in point of time at all make it your own time her services have been more valuable than was supposed her learning has been quicker than was supposed and can run their pen through what remains and she s free when j ou wish if she likes to make any little arrangement afterwards in the way of doing any little thing for us at home very well if she don t very well still we re no anyhow for don t you see said mr touching me with his pipe it ain t likely that a man so short of breath as myself and a grandfather too would go and strain points with a little bit of a blue eyed blossom like tier not at all i am certain said i of not at all you re right said mr well sir lier cousin you know it s a cousin she s going to be married to oh yes i replied i know him well of course you do said mr well sir her cousin being as it appears in good work and well to do thanked me in a very manly sort of manner for this conducting himself altogether i must say in a way that gives mc a high opinion of him and went and took as comfortable a little house as you or i could wish to clap eyes on that little house is now furnished right through as neat and complete as a doll s parlor and but for s illness having taken this bad turn poor fellow they would have been man and wife i dare say by this time as it is there s a and mr i inquired has she become more settled why that you know he returned rubbing his double chin again can t naturally be expected the prospect of the change and separation and all that is as one may say close to her and far away from her both at once s death needn t put it off much but his lingering might anyway it s an uncertain state of matters you see i see said consequently pursued mr em ly s still a little down and a little fluttered perhaps upon the whole she s more so than she was every day she seems to get and of her uncle and more loth to part from all of us a kind word from me brings the tears into her e es and if you was to see her with my daughter s little girl you d never forget it bless my heart alive said mr pondering how she loves that child having so favourable an opportunity it occurred to me to ask mr before our conversation should be interrupted by the i turn of his daughter and her husband whether he knew anything of ah he rejoined shaking his head and looking very much dejected no good a sad story sir however you come to know it i never thought there was harm in the girl i wouldn t wish to mention it before my daughter for she d take me up directly but i never did none of us ever did mr hearing his daughter s footstep before i heard it touched me with his pipe and shut up one eye as a caution she and her husband came in immediately ds their report was that mr was as bad as bad could be that he was quite unconscious and that mr had mournfully said in the kitchen on going away just now that the college of the college of and hall if they were all called in together couldn t help him he was past both mr said and the hall could only poison him hearing this and learning that mr was there i determined to go to the house at once i bade good night to mr and to mr and mrs and directed my steps thither with a solemn feeling which made mr quite a new and different creature my low tap at the door was answered by mr he was not so much surprised to see me as i had expected i remarked this in the personal history and experience too when she came down and i have seen it since and i think in the expectation of that dread surprise all other changes and into nothing i shook hands with mr and passed into the kitchen while he softly closed the door little was sitting by the fire with her hands before her face ham was standing near her we spoke in whispers listening between for any sound in the room above i had not thought of it on the occasion of my last visit but how strange it was to me now to miss mr out of the kitchen this is very kind of you r said ir it is kind said ham em ly my dear cried mr see here here s r come what cheer up pretty not a to r there was a trembling upon her that i can see now the coldness of her hand when i touched it i can feel yet its only sign of animation was to shrink from mine and then she glided from the chair and creeping to the other side of her uncle bowed herself silently and trembling still upon his breast it s such a loving art said mr her rich hair with his great
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hard hand that it can t the of this it s in young folk r when they re new to these here trials and timid like my little bird it s she clung the closer to him but neither up her face nor spoke a word it s late my dear said mr and here s ham come fur to take you home go along with t other loving art what em ly eh my pretty the sound of her voice had not reached me but he bent his head as if he listened to her and then said let you stay with your uncle why you t mean to ask me that stay with your uncle when your husband that be so soon is here fur to take you home now a person wouldn t think it fur to see this little thing alongside a rough weather chap like me said mr looking round at both of us with infinite pride but the sea ain t more salt in it than she has fondness in her for her uncle a foolish little em ly em ly s in the right in that r said ham here as em ly wishes of it and as she s hurried and frightened like besides i leave her till morning let me stay too no no said mr you t ought a married man like you or what s as good to take and away a day s work and you t ought to watch and work both that won t do you go home and turn in you ain t of em ly not being took good care on know ham yielded to this persuasion and took his hat to go even when he kissed her and i never saw him approach her but i felt that nature had given him the soul of a gentleman she seemed to cling closer to her uncle even to the of her chosen husband i shut the door after him that it might cause no disturbance of the quiet that prevailed and when i turned back i found mr still to her of david now i m a going up stairs to tell your aunt as r s here and that cheer her up a bit he said sit ye down by the fire the while my dear and warm these mortal cold hands you t need to be so and take on so much what you go along with me well come along with me come if her uncle was turned out of house and home and forced to lay down in a r said mr with no less pride than before it s my belief she d go along with him now but there be some one else soon some one else soon em ly afterwards when i went up stairs as i passed the door of my little chamber which was dark i had an indistinct impression of her being within it cast down upon the floor but whether it was really she or whether it was a confusion of the shadows in the room i don t know now i had leisure to think before the kitchen fire of pretty little em ly s dread of death which added to what mr had told me i took to be the cause of her being so unlike herself and i had leisure before came down even to think more of the weakness of it as i sat counting the of the clock and deepening my sense of the solemn hush around me took me in her arms and blessed and thanked me over and over again for being such a comfort to her that was what she said in her distress she then entreated me to come up stairs sobbing that mr had always liked me and admired me that he had often talked of me before he fell into a stupor and that she believed in case of his coming to himself again he would up at sight of me if he could up at any earthly thing the probability of his ever doing so appeared to me when i saw him to be very small he was lying with his head and shoulders out of bed in an uncomfortable attitude half resting on the box which had cost him so much pain and trouble i learned that when he was past creeping out of bed to open it and past assuring himself of its safety by means of the rod i had seen him use he had required to have it placed on the chair at the bed side where he had ever since embraced it night and day his arm lay on it now time and the world were slipping from beneath him but the box was there and the last words he had uttered were in an tone old clothes my dear said almost cheerfully bending over him while her brother and i stood at the bed s foot here s my dear boy my dear boy master who brought us together that you sent messages by you know won t you speak to master he was as mute and senseless as the box from which his form derived the only expression it had he s a going out with the tide said mr to me behind his hand my eyes were dim and so were mr s but i repeated in a whisper with the tide people can t die along the coast said mr except when the tide s pretty nigh out they can t be born unless it s pretty nigh in not properly born till flood he s a going out with the tide it s ebb at half three slack water half an hour if he lives till it turns he hold his own till past the flood
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and go out with the next tide the history and experience we remained there a long time hours what mysterious influence my presence had upon him in that state of his senses i shall not pretend to say but when he at last began to wander feebly it is certain he was muttering about driving me to school he s coming to himself said mr touched me and whispered with much awe and reverence they are both out fast my dear said c p he cried faintly no better woman anywhere look here s master said he now opened his eyes i was on the point of asking if he knew me when he tried to stretch out his arm and said to me distinctly with a pleasant smile is and it being low water he went out with the tide a greater loss it was not difficult for me on s to resolve to stay where i was until after the remains of the poor should have made their last journey to she had long ago bought out of her own a little piece of ground in our old churchyard near the grave of her sweet l as she always called my mother and there they were to rest in keeping company and doing all i could for her little enough at the utmost i was as grateful i rejoice to think as even now could wish myself to have been but i am afraid i had a supreme satisfaction of a personal and professional nature in taking charge of mr s will and its contents i may claim the merit of having originated the suggestion that the will should be looked for in the box after some ch it was found in the box at the bottom of a horse s nose bag wherein besides hay there was discovered an old gold watch with chain and which mr had worn on his wedding day and which had never been seen before or since a silver tobacco in the form of a leg an imitation full of minute cups and which i have some idea mr must have purchased to present to me when i was a child and afterwards found himself unable to part with eighty seven guineas and a half in guineas and half guineas two hundred and ten pounds in perfectly clean bank notes certain for bank of england stock an old horse shoe a bad shilling a piece of and an shell the circumstance of the latter article having been much polished and displaying s on tho inside i conclude that mr had some i of david general ideas about pearls never resolved themselves into anything definite years and mr had carried this box on all his journeys every day that it might the better escape notice he had invented a fiction that it belonged to mr and was to be left witb till called for a fable he had written on the lid in characters now scarcely he had all these years i found to good purpose his property in money amounted to nearly three thousand pounds of this he the interest of one thousand to mr for his life on his the principal to be equally divided between little and me or the or of us share and share alike all the rest he died possessed of he to whom he left and sole of that his last will and testament i felt myself quite a when i read this document aloud with all possible ceremony and set forth its provisions any number of times to those whom they concerned i began to think there was more in the than i had supposed i examined the will with the deepest attention pronounced it perfectly formal in all respects made a or so in the margin and thought it rather extraordinary that i knew so much in this pursuit in making an account for of all the property into which she had come in arranging all the affairs in an orderly manner and in being her and adviser on every point to our joint delight i passed the week before the funeral i did not see little in that interval but they told me she was to be quietly married in a fortnight i did not attend the funeral in character if i may venture to say so i mean i was not dressed up in a black cloak and a to frighten the birds but i walked over to early in the morning and was in the d when it came attended only by and her brother the mad gentleman looked on out of my little window mr s baby its heavy head and rolled its eyes at the clergyman over its nurse s shoulder mr breathed short in the background no one else was there and it was very quiet we walked about the churchyard for an hour after all was over and pulled some young leaves from the tree above my mother s grave a dread falls on me here a cloud is lowering on the distant town towards which i my solitary steps i fear to approach it i cannot bear to think of what did come upon that memorable night of what must come again if i go on it is no worse because i write of it it would be no better if i stopped my most unwilling hand it is done nothing can undo it nothing can make it otherwise than as it was my old nurse was to go to london with me next day on the business of the will little was passing that day at s we were all to meet in the old that night would bring at the usual hour i would walk back at my leisure the brother and sister would return as they had come and be expecting us when the day closed in at the fireside the personal
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we was and french and and every of bless you yes and lions and and i don t know what all when she warn t no higher than my knee i ve got into the way on it you know why this here candle now said mr holding out his hand towards it know well that she s married and gone i shall put that candle just the same as now i know well that when i m here o nights and where else should i live bless arts whatever i the personal history and experience come into and she ain t here or i ain t i shall put the candle in the and sit afore the fire pretending i m expecting of her like i m a doing now there s a lor you said mr with another roar in the form of a sea why at the present minute when i see the candle sparkle up i says to myself she s a looking at it em ly s a coming t s a for you in the form of a sea eight for all that said mr stopping in his roar and his hands together fur here she is it was only ham the night should have turned more wet since i came in for he had a large sou hat on over his face where s em ly said mr ham made a motion with his head as if she were outside mr took the light from the window trimmed it put it on the table and was busily stirring the fire when ham who had not moved said r will you come out a minute and see what em ly and me has got to show you we went out as i passed him at the door i saw to my astonishment and fright that he was deadly pale he pushed me hastily into the open air and closed the door upon us only upon us two ham what s the matter r oh for his broken heart how dreadfully he wept i was by the sight of such grief i don t know what i thought or what i dreaded i could only look at him ham poor good fellow for heaven s sake tell me what s the matter my love r the pride and hope of my art her that i d have died for and would die for now she s gone gone em ly s run away oh r think she s run away when i pray my good and gracious god to kill her her that is so dear above all things sooner than let her come to ruin and disgrace the face he turned up to the troubled sky the quivering of his clasped hands the agony of his figure remain associated with that lonely waste in my remembrance to this hour it is always night there and he is the only object in the scene you re a scholar he said hurriedly and know what s right and best what am i to say in doors how am i ever to break it to him r i saw the door move and instinctively tried to hold the latch on the outside to gain a moment s time it was too late mr thrust forth his face and never could i forget the change that came upon it when he saw us if i were to live five hundred years i remember a great wail and cry and the women hanging about him and we all standing in the room i with a paper in my hand which ham had given me mr with his torn open his hair wild his face and lips quite white and blood down his bosom it had sprung from his mouth i think looking at me head it he said in a low shivering voice slow please i t know as i can understand of david in the midst of the silence of death i read thus from a blotted letter when you who love me so much better than i ever have deserved even when my mind was innocent see this i shall be far away i shall be fur away he repeated slowly stop em ly fur away well when i leave my dear home my dear home oh my dear home in the morning the letter bore date on the previous night it will be never to come back unless he brings me back a lady this will be found at night many hours after instead of me oh if you knew how my heart is torn if even you that i have wronged so much that never can forgive me could only know what i suffer i am too wicked to write about myself oh take comfort in thinking that i am so bad oh for mercy s sake tell uncle that i never loved him half so dear as now oh don t remember how affectionate and kind you have all been to me don t remember we were ever to be married but try to think as if i died when i was httle and was buried somewhere pray heaven that i am going away from have compassion on my uncle tell him that i never loved him half so dear be his comfort love some good girl that will be what i was once to uncle and be true to you and worthy of you and know no shame but me god bless all i pray for all often on my knees if he don t bring me back a lady and i don t pray for my own self i pray for all my parting love to uncle my last tears and my last thanks for uncle that was all he stood long after i had ceased to read
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still looking at me at length i ventured to take his hand and to eat him as well as i could to endeavour to get some command of himself he replied i sir i without moving ham spoke to him mi was so far sensible of his affliction that he wrung his hand but otherwise he remained in the same state nd no one dared to disturb him slowly at last he moved his eyes from my face as if he were waking rom a vision and cast them round the room then he said in a low who s the man i want to know his name ham glanced at me and suddenly i felt a shock that struck me back there s a man suspected said mr who is it r implored ham go out a bit and let me tell him what i must you t ought to hear it sir i felt the shock again i sank down in a chair and tried to utter some reply but my tongue was and my sight was weak i want to know his name i heard said once more some time past ham faltered there s been a servant about here at odd times there s been a gen n too both of em belonged to one another mr stood fixed as before but now looking at him i the servant pursued ham was seen along with our poor girl last night he s been in hiding about here this week or over he was i the personal history and experience thought to have gone but he was hiding t stay r t i felt s arm round my neck but i could not have moved if the house had been about to upon me a strange and horses was outside town this morning on the road a most afore the day broke ham went on the servant went to it and come from it and went to it again when he went to it again em ly was nigh him the t other was inside he s the man for the lord s love said mr falling back and putting out his hand as if to keep what he dreaded t tell me his name s r exclaimed ham in a broken voice it ain t no fault of and lam far from laying of it to you but his name is and he s a damned villain mr uttered no cry and shed no tear and moved no more until he seemed to wake again all at once and pulled down his rough coat from its in a corner bear a hand with this i m struck of a heap and can t do it he said impatiently bear a hand and help me well when somebody had done so now give me that hat ham asked him whither he was going i m a going to seek my niece i m a going to seek my em ly i m a going first to in that boat and sink it where i would have as i m a soul if i had had one thought of what was in him as he sat afore me he said wildly holding out his clenched right hand as he sat afore me face to face strike me down dead but i him and thought it right i m a going to seek my niece where cried ham himself before the door anywhere i m a going to seek my niece through the i m a going to find my poor niece in her shame and bring her back no one stop me i tell you i m a going to seek my niece no no cried mrs coming between them in a fit of crying no no dan l not as you are now seek her in a little while my lone dan l and that ii be but right but not as you are now sit ye down and give me your forgiveness for having ever been a to you dan l what have mi ever been to this and let us speak a word about them times when she was first an orphan and when ham was too and when i was a poor woman and you took me in it soften your poor heart dan l laying her head upon his shoulder and you ll bear your sorrow better for you know the promise dan l as you have done it unto one of the least of these you have done it unto me and that can never fail under this roof that s been our shelter for so many many year he was quite passive now and when i heard him crying the impulse that had been upon me to go down upon my knees and ask their pardon for the desolation i had caused and curse yielded to a better feeling my heart found the same relief and i cried too o i a il v v t i t i i i op david chapter the beginning of a long journey what is natural in me is natural in many other men i infer and so i am not afraid k write that i never had loved better than when the ties that bound me to him were broken in the keen distress of the discovery of his i thought more of all that was brilliant in him i softened more towards all that was good in him i did more justice to the qualities that might have made him a man of a noble nature and a great name than ever i had done in the height of my devotion to him deeply as felt my own unconscious part in his of an honest home i believe that if i had been brought face to face with him i could not have uttered
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the same determined face what end i asked possessed by my former fear i t know he said thoughtfully i was calling to mind that the beginning of it all did take place here and then the end come but it s gone r he added answering as i think my look you han t no call to be of me but i m i t fare to feel no matters which was as much as to say that he was not himself and quite confounded mr stopping for us to join him we did so and said no more the remembrance of this in with my former thought however haunted me at intervals even until the inexorable end came at its appointed time we approached the old boat and entered mrs no longer in her especial corner was busy preparing breakfast she took mr s hat and placed his seat for him and spoke so comfortably and softly that i hardly knew her dan l my good man said she you must eat and drink and keep up your strength for without it you u do try that s a dear soul and if i disturb you with my she meant her chattering teu me so dan l and i won t when she had served us all she withdrew to the window where she employed herself in some shirts and other clothes belonging to mr and neatly folding and packing them in an old bag such as sailors ry meanwhile she continued talking in the same quiet manner all times and seasons you know dan l said mrs i shall be here and every think will look to your wishes i m a poor scholar but i shall write to you odd times when you re away and send my letters to r maybe you write to me too dan l odd times and tell me how you fare to feel upon your lone you be a solitary woman i m said mr no no dan l she returned i shan t be that t you mind me i shall have enough to do to keep a for you mrs meant a home again you come back to keep a here for any that may hap to come back dan l in the fine time i shall set outside the door as i used to do if any should come nigh they shall see the old woman true to em a long way off what a change in mrs in a little time she was another woman she was so devoted she had such a quick perception of what it would be well to say and what it would be well to leave she was so forgetful of herself and so of the sorrow about her that i held her in a sort of veneration the work she did that day there were many things to be brought up from the beach and stored in the as oars sails bags of and the like and though there was abundance of assistance rendered there being not a pair of working hands on all that shore but would have labored hard for mr and been well paid y i the history and in being asked to do it yet she persisted all day long in toiling under that she was quite unequal to and to and fro on all sorts of unnecessary errands as to her misfortunes she appeared to have entirely lost the recollection of ever having had any she preserved an cheerfulness in the midst of her sympathy which was not the least astonishing part of the change that had come over her was out of the question i did not even observe her voice to or a tear to escape from her eyes the whole day through until twilight when she and i and mr being alone together and he having fallen asleep in perfect exhaustion she broke into a half suppressed of sobbing and crying and taking me to the door said ever bless you r be a friend to him poor dear then she immediately ran out of the house to wash her face in order that she might sit quietly beside him and be found at work there when he should awake in short i left her when i went away at night the and staff of mr s affliction and i could not enough upon the lesson that i read in mrs and the new experience she unfolded to me it was between nine and ten o clock when strolling in a melancholy manner through the town i stopped at mr s door mr had taken it so much to heart his daughter told me that he had been very low and poorly all day and had gone to bed without his pipe a bad hearted girl said mrs there was no good in her ever don t say so i returned you don t think so yes i do cried mrs angrily no no said i mrs tossed her head endeavouring to be very stern and cross but she could not command her softer self and began to cry i was young to be sure but i thought much the better of her for this sympathy and fancied it became her as a virtuous wife and mother very well indeed what will she ever do sobbed where will she go what will become of her oh how could she be so cruel to herself and him i remembered the time when was a young and pretty girl and i was glad that she remembered it too so my little said mrs has only just now been got to sleep even in her sleep she is sobbing for em ly all day long little has cried for her and asked me over and over again whether em ly was v what can i say to her when
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em ly tied a ribbon off her own neck round little s the last night she was here and laid her head down on the pillow beside her till she was fast asleep the ribbon s round ray little s neck now it ought not to be perhaps but what can i do em is veiy bad but they were fond of one another and the child knows nothing mrs was so unhappy that her husband came out to take care of her leaving them together i went home to s more melancholy myself if possible than i had been yet that good creature i mean all by her late anxieties of david and sleepless nights was at her brother s where she meant to stay till morning an old woman who had been employed about the house for some weeks past while had been unable to attend to it the house s only other besides myself as i had no occasion for her services i sent her to bed by no means against her will and sat down before the kitchen fire a little while to think about all this i was it with the of the late mr and was driving out with the tide towards the distance at which ham had looked so singularly in the morning when i was recalled from my wanderings by a knock at the door there was a upon the door but it was not that which made the sound the tap was from a hand and low down upon the door as if it were given by a child it made me start as much as if it had been the knock of a footman to a person of distinction i opened the door and at first looked down to my amazement on nothing but a great umbrella that appeared to be walking about of itself but presently i discovered underneath it miss i might not have been prepared to give the little creature a very kind reception if on her removing the umbrella which her utmost efforts were unable to shut up she had shown me the expression of face which had made so great an impression on me at our first and last meeting but her face as she turned it up to mine was so earnest and when i relieved her of the umbrella which would have been an inconvenient one for the irish giant she wrung her little hands in such an manner that i rather inclined towards her miss said i after glancing up and down the empty street without distinctly knowing what i expected to see besides how do you come here what is the matter she to me with her short right arm to shut the umbrella for her and passing me hurriedly went into the kitchen when i had closed the door and followed with the umbrella in my hand i found her sitting on the corner of the it was a low iron one with two flat bars at top to stand plates upon in the shadow of the swaying herself backwards and forwards and her hands upon her knees like a person in pain quite alarmed at being the only of this visit and the only spectator of this behaviour i exclaimed again pray tell me miss what is the matter are you ill my dear young soul returned miss her hands upon her heart one over the other i am ill here i am very ill to think that it should come to this when i might have known it and perhaps prevented it if i hadn t been a thoughtless fool again her large bonnet very to her figure went backwards and forwards in her swaying of her little body to and fro while a most gigantic bonnet rocked in with it upon the wall i am surprised i began to see you so distressed and serious when she interrupted me yes it s always so she said they are au surprised these young people fairly and full grown to see any natural the history and experience feeling in a little thing like me they make a of me use me for their amusement throw me away when they are tired and wonder that i feel more than a toy horse or a wooden soldier yes yes that s the way the old way it may be with others i returned but i do assure you it is not with me perhaps ought not to be at all surprised to see you as you are now i know so little of you i said without consideration what i thought what can i do returned the little woman standing up and holding out her arms to show herself see what i am my father was and my sister is and my brother is i have worked for sister and brother these many years hard mr all day i must live i do no harm if there are people so or so cruel as to make a jest of me what is left for me to do but to make a jest of myself them and every thing if i do so for the time whose fault is that mine no not miss s i perceived if i had shown myself a sensitive dwarf to your false friend pursued the little woman shaking her head at me with earnestness how much of his help or good will do you think should ever have had if little who had no hand young gentleman in the making of herself addressed herself to him or the like of him because of her misfortunes when do you suppose her small voice would have been heard little would have as much need to live if she was the bitterest and of but she couldn t do it no she might whistle for her bread and butter till she died
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of air miss sat down on the again and took out her handkerchief and wiped her eyes be thankful for me if you have a kind heart as i think you have she said that while i know well what i am i can be cheerful and endure it all i am thankful for myself at any rate that i can find my tiny way through the world without being to any one and that in return for all that is thrown at me in folly or vanity as i go along i can throw back if i don t brood over all i want it is the better for me and not the worse for any one if i am a for you giants be gentle with me miss replaced her handkerchief in her pocket looking at me with very intent expression all the while and pursued i saw you in the street just now you may suppose i am not able to walk as fast as you with my short legs and short breath and i couldn t overtake you but i guessed where you came and came after you i have been here before to day but the good woman wasn t at home do you know her i demanded i know her land about her she replied from and i was e at seven o clock this morning do you remember what said to me about this unfortunate girl that time when i saw you both at the inn the great bonnet on miss s head and the gi bonnet on the wall began to go backwards and forwards again when she asked this question of david i remembered very well what she referred to having had it in my thoughts many times that day i told her so may the father of all evil confound him said the little woman holding up her forefinger between me and her sparkling eyes and ten times more confound that wicked servant but i believed it was you who had a boyish passion for her i i repeated child child in the name of blind ill fortune cried miss wringing her hands impatiently as she went to and fro again upon the why did you praise her so and blush and look disturbed i could not conceal from myself that i had done this though for a reason very different from her supposition what did i know said miss taking out her handkerchief again and giving one little stamp on the ground whenever at short intervals she applied it to her eyes with both hands at once he was crossing you and you i saw and you were soft wax in his hands i saw had i left the room a minute when his man told me that young innocence so he called you and you may call him old guilt all the days of your life had set his heart upon her and she was giddy and liked him but his master was resolved that no harm should come of it more for your sake than for hers and that that was their business here how could i hut believe him i saw soothe and please you by his praise of her you were the first to mention her name you owned to an old admiration of her you were hot and cold and red and white all at once when i spoke to you of her what could i think what did i think but that you were a young in everything but experience and had fallen into hands that had experience enough and could manage you having the fancy for your own good oh oh oh they were afraid of my finding out the truth exclaimed miss getting the and trotting up and down the kitchen with her two short arms lifted up because i am a sharp little thing i need be to get through the world at all and they deceived me altogether and i gave the poor unfortunate girl a letter which i fully believe was the beginning of her ever speaking to who was left behind on purpose i stood amazed at the revelation of all this looking at miss as she walked up and down the kitchen until she was out of breath when she sat upon the again and drying her face with her handkerchief shook her head for a long time without otherwise moving and without breaking silence my country rounds she added at length brought me to mr the night before last what i happened to find out there about their secret way of coming and going without you which was led to my suspecting something wrong i got into the coach from london last night as it came through and was here this morning oh oh oh too late poor little turned so chilly after all her crying and that she turned round on the putting her poor little wet feet in among the ashes to warm them and sat looking at the fire like a large doll sat in a chair on the other side of the hearth lost in unhappy reflections and looking at the fire too and sometimes at her the i history and experience i must go she said at last rising as she spoke it s late you don t me meeting her sharp glance which was as sharp as ever when she asked me i could not on that short challenge answer no quite frankly come said she accepting the offer of my hand to help her over the and looking wistfully up into my face you know you wouldn t me if i was a full sized woman i felt that there was much truth in this and i felt rather ashamed of myself you are a young man she said nodding take a word of advice even from three foot nothing try
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not to associate bodily defects with mental my good friend except for a solid reason she had got over the now and i had got over my suspicion i told her that i believed she had given me a faithful account of herself and that we had both been instruments in hands she thanked me and said i was a good fellow now mind she exclaimed turning back on her way to the door and looking at me with her forefinger up again i have some reason to suspect from what i have heard my ears are always open i can t afford to spare what powers i have that they are gone abroad but if ever they return if ever any one of them returns while i am alive i am more likely than another going about as i do to find it out soon whatever i know you shall know if ever i can do anything to serve the poor betrayed girl i will do it faithfully please heaven and had better have a at his back than little i placed in this last statement when i marked the look with which it was accompanied trust me no more but trust me no less than you would trust a woman said the little creature touching me on the wrist if ever you see me again unlike what i am now and like what i was when you first saw me observe what company i am in call to mind that i am a very helpless and little thing think of me at home with my brother like myself and sister like myself when my day s work is done perhaps you wont then be very hard upon me or surprised if i can be distressed and serious good night i gave miss my hand with a very opinion of her from that which i had hitherto entertained and opened the door to let her out it was not a trifling business to get the great umbrella up and properly balanced in her grasp but at last i successfully accomplished this and saw it go down the street through the rain without the least appearance of having anybody underneath it except when a heavier fall than usual from some water sent it over on one side and discovered miss struggling violently to get it right after making one or two to her relief which were rendered futile by the umbrella s on again like an immense bird before i could reach it i came in went to bed and slept till morning in the morning i was joined by mr and by my old nurse and we went at an early hour to the coach office where mrs and ham were to take leave of us david r ham whispered drawing me aside while ir was his bag among the luggage his life is quite broke up he t know he s going he t know what s afore he s bound upon a voyage that last on and off all the rest of his days take my for t unless he finds what he s a seeking of i am sure you ll be a friend to him r trust me will indeed said i shaking hands with ham earnestly very kind sir one thing i m in good employ you know r and i han t no way now of spending what i gets money s of no use to me no more except to live if you can lay it out for mm i shall do my work with a better art though as to that sir and he spoke very steadily and mildly you re not to think but i shall work at all times like a man and act the best that lays in my power i told him i was well convinced of it and i hinted that i hoped the time might even come when he would cease to lead the lonely life he naturally contemplated now no sir he said shaking his head all that s past and over with me sir no one can never fill the place that s empty but you bear in mind about the money as s at au times some laying by for him reminding him of the fact that mr derived a steady though certainly a very moderate income from the of his late brother i promised to do so we then took leave of each other i cannot leave him even now without remembering with a pang at once his modest fortitude and his great sorrow as to mrs if i were to endeavour to describe how she ran down the street by the side of the coach seeing nothing but on the roof through the tears she tried to repress and dashing herself against the people who were coming in the opposite direction i should enter on a task of some therefore i had better leave her sitting on a baker s door step out of breath with no shape at all remaining in her bonnet and one of her shoes off lying on the pavement at a considerable distance when we got to our journey s end our first pursuit was to look about for a little lodging for where her brother could have a bed we were so fortunate as to find one of a very clean and cheap description over a s shop only two streets removed from me when we had engaged this i bought some cold meat at an eating house and took my fellow travellers home to tea a proceeding i regret to state which did not meet with mrs s approval but quite the contrary i ought to observe however in explanation of that lady s state of mind that she was much offended by s up her widow s gown before she had been ten minutes in the place and setting
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to work to dust my bed room this mrs regarded in the light of a liberty and a liberty she said was a thing she never allowed mr had made a communication to me on the way to london for which i was not unprepared it was that he first seeing mrs as i felt bound to assist him in this and also to between them with the view of the mother s feelings as the personal history and experience as possible i wrote to her that night i told her as mildly as i could what his wrong was and what my own share in his injury i said he was a man in very common life but of a most gentle and upright character and that i ventured to express a hope that she would not refuse to see him in his heavy trouble i mentioned two o clock in the afternoon as the hour of our coming and i sent the letter myself by the first coach in the morning at the appointed time we stood at the door the door of that house where i had been a few days since so happy where my youthful confidence and warmth of heart had been yielded up so freely which was closed against me henceforth which was now a waste a ruin no appeared the face which had replaced his on the occasion of my last visit answered to our summons and went before us to the drawing room mrs was sitting there glided as we went in from another part of the room and stood behind her chair i saw directly in his mother s face that she knew from himself what he had done it was very pale and bore the traces of deeper emotion than my letter alone weakened by the doubts her fondness would have raised upon it would have been likely to create i thought her more like him than ever i had thought her and i felt rather ti an saw that the resemblance was not lost on my companion she sat upright in her arm chair with a stately air that it seemed as if nothing could disturb she looked very at mr when he stood before her and he looked quite as at her s keen glance comprehended all of us for some moments not a word was spoken she to mr to be seated he said in a low voice i shouldn t feel it ma am to sit down in this house i d sooner stand and this was succeeded by another silence which she broke thus i know with deep regret what has brought you here what do you want of me what do you ask me to do he put his hat under his arm and feeling in his breast for s letter took it out unfolded it and gave it to her please to read that ma am that s my niece s hand i she read it in the same stately and way untouched by its contents as far as i could see and returned it to him unless he brings me back a lady said mr tracing out that part with his linger i come to know ma am whether he will keep his no she returned why not said mr it is impossible he would disgrace himself you cannot fail to know that she is far below him raise her up said mr she is and ignorant maybe she s not maybe she is said mr i think not ma am but i m no judge of them things teach her better since you oblige me to speak more plainly which i am very unwilling to do her humble would render such a thing impossible if nothing else did hark to this ma am he returned slowly and quietly you know what it is to love your child so do i if she was a hundred times my child i couldn t love her more you t know what it is to lose your child i do all the heaps of riches in the would be to me if they was mine to buy her back but hei from this disgrace and she shall never be disgraced by us not one of us that she s up among not one of us that s lived along with her and had her for their all in all these many year will ever look upon her face again we u be content to let ber be we be content to think of her far off as if she was underneath another sun and sky we be content to trust her to her husband to her little children p and bide the time when all of us shall be alike in quality afore our god the rugged eloquence with which he spoke was not devoid t f all effect she still preserved her proud manner but there was a touch of softness in her voice as she answered i justify nothing i make no counter but i am sorry to repeat it is impossible such a would my son s and ruin his prospects nothing is more certain than that it never can take place and never will if there is any other compensation i am looking at the likeness of the face interrupted mr with a steady but a eye that has looked at me in my home at my fireside in my boat not smiling and friendly when it was so treacherous that i go half wild when i think of it if the likeness of that face don t turn to burning fire at the thought of offering money to me for my child s and ruin it s as bad i t know being a lady s but what it s worse she changed now in a moment an angry flush
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her features and she said in an manner grasping the arm chair tightly with her hands what compensation can you make to me for opening such a pit between me and my son what is your love to mine what is your separation to ours miss softly touched her and bent head to whisper but she would not hear a word no not a word let the man listen to what i say my son who has been the object of my life to whom its every thought has been devoted whom i have gratified from a child in every wish from whom i have had no separate existence since his birth to take up in a moment with a miserable girl and avoid me to repay my confidence with deception for her sake and quit me for her to set this wretched fancy against his mother s claims upon his duty love respect gratitude claims that every day and hour of his life should have strengthened into ties that nothing could be proof against is this no injury again tried to soothe her again i say not a word if he can stake his all upon the object i can stake my all upon a greater purpose let him go where he the personal history and experience will with the means that my love has secured to him does he think to reduce me by long absence he knows his mother very little if he does let him put away his whim now and he is welcome back let him not put her away now and he never shall come near me living or dying while i can raise my hand to make a sign against it unless being rid of her for ever he comes humbly to me and for my forgiveness this is my right this is the acknowledgment i will have this is the separation that there is between us and is this she added looking at her visitor with the proud air with which she had begun no injury while i heard and saw the mother as she said words i seemed to hear and see the son them all that i had ever seen in him of an wilful spirit i saw in her all the understanding that i had now of his energy became an understanding of her character too and a perception that it was in its strongest springs the same she now observed to me aloud her former restraint that it was useless to hear more or to say more and that she begged to put an end to the interview she rose with an air of dignity to leave the room when mr signified that it was needless t fear me being any to you i have no more to say ma am he remarked as he moved towards the door i come with no hope and i take away no hope i have done what i should be done but i never looked fur any good to come of my where i do this has been too evil a house fur me and mine fur me to be in my right senses and expect it with this we departed leaving her standing by her elbow chair a picture of a noble presence and a handsome face w e had on our way out to cross a paved hall with glass sides and roof over which a vine was trained its leaves and shoots were green then and the day being sunny a pair of glass doors leading to the garden were thrown open this way with a noiseless step when we were close to them addressed herself to me you do well she said indeed to bring this fellow here such a of rage and scorn as darkened her face and flashed in her jet black eyes i could not have thought even into that face the made by the hammer was as usual in this excited state of her features strongly marked when the throbbing i had seen before came into it as i looked at her she absolutely lifted up her hand and struck it this is a fellow she said to champion and bring here is he not you are a true man miss i returned you are surely not so unjust as to condemn me why do you bring division between these two mad creatures she returned don t you know that they are both mad with their own and pride is it my doing i returned is it your doing she retorted why do you bring this man here of david he is a deeply injured man miss i replied you may not it i know that james she said with her hand on her bosom as if to prevent the storm that was raging there from being loud has a false corrupt heart and is a traitor but what need i know or care about this fellow and his common niece miss i returned you the it is sufficient already i will only say at parting that you do him a great wrong i do him no wrong she returned they are a worthless set i would have her whipped mr passed on without a word and went out at the door oh shame miss shame said indignantly how can you bear to on his affliction i would on them all she answered i would have his house pulled down i would have her on the face in rags and cast out in the streets to starve if i had the power to sit in judgment on her i would see it done see it done i would do it i her if i ever could reproach her with her infamous condition i would go anywhere to do so if i could hunt her to her grave i would if there was any word of comfort that
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would be a solace to her in her dying hour and only i possessed it i wouldn t part with it for life itself the mere vehemence of her words can convey i am sensible but a weak impression of the passion by which she was possessed and which made itself articulate in her whole figure though her voice instead of was lower than usual no description i could give of her would do justice to my recollection of her or to her entire of herself to her anger i have seen passion in many forms but i have never seen it in such a form as that when i joined mr he was walking slowly and thoughtfully down the hill he told me as soon as i came up with him that having now discharged his mind of what he had doing in london he meant to set out on his travels that night i asked him where he meant to go he only answered i m a going sir to seek my niece we went back to the little lodging over the s shop and there i found an opportunity of repeating to what he had said to me she informed me in return that he had said the same to her that morning she knew no more than i did where he was going but she thought he had some project shaped out in his mind i did not like to leave him under such circumstances and we all three dined together off a pie which was one of the many good things for which was famous and which was curiously on this occasion i recollect well by a miscellaneous taste of tea coffee butter bacon cheese new candles and continually ascending from the shop after dinner we sat for an hour or so near the window without talking much and then mr got up and brought his bag and his stout stick and laid them on the table he accepted from his sister s stock of ready money a small sum on account of his barely enough i should have thought to keep the personal history and experience him for a month he promised to communicate with me when anything him and he his bag about him took his hat and stick and bade us both good bye all good attend you dear old woman he said embracing and you too r shaking hands with me i m a going to seek her fur and wide if she should come home while i m away but ah that ain t uke to be or if i should bring her back my meaning is that she and me shall live and die where no one can t reproach her if any hurt should come to me remember that the last words i left for her was my unchanged love is with my darling child and i forgive her he said this solemnly bare headed then putting on his hat he went down the stairs and away we followed to the door it was a warm dusty evening just the time when in the great main out of which that bye way turned there was a temporary lull in the eternal tread effect upon the pavement and a strong red sunshine he turned alone at the corner of our shady street into a glow of light in which we lost him rarely did that hour of the evening come rarely did i wake at night rarely did i look up at the moon or stars or watch the falling rain or hear the wind but thought of his solitary figure on poor pilgrim and recalled the words m a going to seek her fur and wide if any hurt should come to me remember that the last words i left for her was my unchanged love is with my darling child and i forgive her all this time i had gone on loving harder than ever her idea was my refuge in disappointment and distress and made some amends to me even for the loss of my friend the more i pitied myself or pitied others the more i sought for consolation in the image of the greater the of deceit and trouble in the world the brighter and the purer shone the star of high above the world i don t think i had any definite idea where came from or in what degree she was related to a higher order of beings but i am quite sure i should have the notion of her being simply human like any other young lady with indignation and contempt if i may so express it i was in i was not merely over head and ears in love with her but i was through and through enough love might have been wrung out of me speaking to drown anybody in and yet there would have remained enough within me and all over me to my entire existence the first thing i did on my own when i came back was to of david take a night walk to and like the subject of a venerable riddle of my childhood to go round and round the house without ever touching the house thinking about i believe the theme of this incomprehensible was the moon no matter what it was i the moon slave of round and round the house and garden for two hours looking through in the getting my chin by dint of violent exertion above the rusty nails on the top blowing kisses at the lights in the windows and calling on the night at intervals to shield my i don t exactly know what from i suppose from perhaps from to which she had a great objection my love was so much on my mind and it was so natural to me to confide in when i found her again by my
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side of an evening with the old set of implements busily making the tour of my wardrobe that i imparted to her in a sufficiently way my great secret was strongly interested but i could not get her into my view of the case at all she was prejudiced in my favour and quite unable to understand why i should have any or be low spirited about it the young lady might think herself well off she observed to have such a beau and as to her pa she said what did the gentleman expect for gracious sake i observed however that mr s gown and stiff took down a little and inspired her with a greater reverence for the man who was gradually becoming more and more in my eyes every day and about whom a reflected radiance seemed to me to beam when he sat erect in court among his papers like a little light house in a sea of and by the by it used to be uncommonly strange to me to consider remember as i sat in court too how those dim old judges and doctors wouldn t have cared for if they had known her how they wouldn t have gone out of their senses with rapture if marriage with had been proposed to them how might have sung and played upon that until she led m to the verge of madness yet not have tempted one of those slow an inch out of his road i despised them to a man frozen out old in the of the heart i took a personal offence against them all the bench was nothing to me but an insensible the bar had no more tenderness or poetry in it than the bar of a public house taking the management of s affairs into my own hands with no little pride i proved the will and came to a settlement with the duty and took her to the bank and soon got everything into an orderly train we varied the legal character of these proceedings by going to see some wax work in fleet street melted i should hope these twenty years and by visiting miss s exhibition which i remember as a of favorable to self examination and repentance and by the tower of london and going to the top of st paul s all these wonders afforded as much pleasure as she was able to enjoy under existing circumstances except i think st paul s which from her long attachment to her became a rival of the picture on the lid and was in some particulars she considered by that work of art s business which was what we used to call common form the personal history and experience business in the and very light and the business was being settled i took her down to the office one morning to pay her bill mr had stepped out old said to get a gentleman sworn for a marriage license but as i knew he would be back directly our place lying close to the s and to the general s office too i told to wait we were a little like in the as regarded transactions generally making it a rule to look more or less cut up when we had to deal with in mourning in a similar feeling of delicacy we were always and light hearted with the license therefore i hinted to that she would find mr much recovered from the shock of mr s and indeed he came in like a bridegroom but neither nor i had eyes for him when we saw in company with him mr he was very little changed his hair looked as thick and was certainly as black as ever and his glance was as little to be trusted as of old ah said mr you know this gentleman i believe i made my gentleman a distant bow and barely recognised him he was at first somewhat disconcerted to meet us two together but quickly decided what to do and came up to me i hope he said that you are doing weu it can hardly be interesting to you said i yes if you wish to know we looked at each other and he addressed himself to and you said he i am sorry to observe that you have lost your husband it s not the first loss i have had in my life mr replied trembling from head to foot i am glad to hope that there is nobody to blame for this one nobody to answer for it ha said he that s a comfortable reflection you have done your duty i have not worn any body s life away said i am thankful to think no mr i have not and frightened any sweet to an early grave he eyed her gloomily i thought for an instant and said turning his head towards me but looking at my feet instead of my face we are not likely to encounter soon again a source of satisfaction to us both no doubt for such meetings as this can never be agreeable i do not expect that you who always against my just authority exerted for your benefit and should owe me any good will now there is an between us an old one i believe said i interrupting him he smiled and shot as evil a glance at me as could come from his dark eyes it in your baby breast he said it the life of your poor mother you are right i hope you may do better yet i hope you may correct yourself j of david here he ended the dialogue which had been carried on in a low voice in a corner of the outer office by passing into mr s room and saying aloud in his manner gentlemen of mr s profession are accustomed to family
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differences and know how complicated and difficult they always are with that he paid the money for his license and receiving it neatly folded from mr together with a shake of the hand and a polite wish for his happiness and the lady s went out of the office i might have had more difficulty in myself to be silent under his words if i had had less difficulty in upon who was only angry on my account good creature that we were not in a place for and that i her to hold her peace she was so unusually roused that i was glad to compound for an affectionate by this revival in her mind of our old injuries and to make the best i could of it before mr and the clerks mr did not appear to know what the between mr and myself was which i was glad of for i could not bear to acknowledge him even in my own breast remembering what i did of the history of my poor mother mr seemed to think if he thought anything about the matter that my aunt was the leader of the state party in our family and that there was a rebel party commanded by somebody else so i gathered at least from what he said while we were waiting for mr to make out s bill of costs miss he remarked is very firm no doubt and not likely to give way to opposition i have an tion for her character and i may congratulate you on being on the right side differences between relations are much to be but they are extremely general and the great thing is to be on the right side meaning i take it on the side of the interest good marriage this i believe said mr i explained that i knew nothing about it indeed he said speaking from the few words mr dropped as a man frequently does on these occasions and from what miss let fall i should say it was rather a good marriage do you mean that there is money sir i asked yes said mr i understand there s money beauty too i am told indeed is his new wife young just of age said mr so lately that i should think they had been waiting for that lord deliver her said so very emphatically and unexpectedly that we were all three until came in with the bill old soon appeared however and handed it to mr to look over mr settling his chin in his and rubbing it softly went over the with a air as if it were all s and handed it back to with a bland sigh yes he said that s right quite right i should have been extremely happy to have limited these charges to the actual expenditure out of pocket but it is an irksome incident in my professional z the personal history and experience life that i am not at liberty to consult my own i have a partner mr as he said this with a gentle melancholy which was the next thing to making no charge at all i expressed my on s behalf and paid in bank notes then retired to her lodging and and i went into court where we had a divorce suit coming on under an ingenious little now i believe but in virtue of which i have seen several marriages of which the merits were these the husband whose name was thomas had taken out his man license as thomas only the in case he should not find himself as comfortable as he expected not finding himself as comfortable as he expected or being a little fatigued with his wife poor fellow he now came forward by a friend after being married a year or two and declared that his name was thomas and therefore he was not married at all which the court to his great satisfaction i must say that i had my doubts about the strict justice of this and was not even frightened out of them by the of wheat which all but mr argued the matter with me he said look at the world there was good and evil in that look at the law there was good and evil in that it was all part of a system very good there you were i had not the to suggest to s father that possibly we might even improve the world a little if we got up early in the morning and took off our coats to the work but i confessed that i thought we might improve the mr replied that he would particularly advise me to dismiss that idea from my mind as not being worthy of my gentlemanly character but that he would be glad to hear from me of what improvement i thought the susceptible taking that part of the which happened to be nearest to us for our man was unmarried by this time and we were out of court and strolling past the office i submitted that i thought the office rather a managed institution mr inquired in what respect i replied with all due deference to his experience but with more deference i am afraid to his being s father that perhaps it was a little that the of that court containing the original wills of all persons leaving effects within the immense province of for three whole centuries should be an accidental building never designed for the purpose by the for their own private not even ascertained to be fire proof choked with the important documents it held and positively from the roof to the a speculation of the who took great from the public and crammed the public s wills away anyhow and anywhere having no other object than to get rid of them that perhaps it
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was a little unreasonable that these in the receipt of profits to eight or nine thousand pounds a year to say nothing of the profits of the and clerks of seats should not be obliged to spend a little of that money in finding a reasonably safe place for the important documents which all classes of people were compelled to hand over to them whether they would or no of david that perhaps it was a little unjust that all the great offices in this great office should be while the unfortunate in the cold dark room up stairs were the worst rewarded and the least considered men doing important services in london that perhaps it was a little that the principal of all whose duty it was to find the public constantly to this place all needful accommodation should be an enormous in virtue of that post and might be besides a clergyman a the of a stall in a cathedral and what not while the public was put to the inconvenience of which we had a specimen every afternoon when the office was busy and which we knew to be quite monstrous that perhaps in short this office of the of was altogether such a job and such a absurdity that but for its being squeezed away in a corner of saint paul s churchyard which few people knew it must have been turned completely inside out and down long ago mr smiled as i became modestly warm on the subject and then argued this question with me as he had argued the other he said what was it after all it was a question of feeling if the public felt that their wills were in safe keeping and took it for granted that the office was not to be made better who was the worse for it nobody who was the better for it all the very well then the good it might not be a perfect system nothing was perfect but what he objected to was the of the under the office the country had been glorious the into the office and the country would cease to be glorious he considered it the principle of a gentleman to take things as he found them and he had no doubt the office would last our time i deferred to his opinion though i had great doubts of it myself i find he was right however for it has not only lasted to the present moment but has e so in the teeth of a great report made not too willingly eighteen years ago when all these objections of mine were set forth in detail and when the existing for wills was described as equal to the of only two years and a half more what they have done with them since whether they have lost many or whether they sell any now and then to the butter shops i don t know i am glad mine is not there and i hope it may not go there yet awhile i have set all this down in my present chapter because here it comes into its natural place mr and i falling into this conversation prolonged it and our to and fro until we into general topics and so it came about in the end that mr told me this day week was s birthday and he would be glad if i would come down and join a little on the occasion i went out of my senses immediately became a mere next day on receipt of a little lace edged sheet of note paper favoured by papa to remind and passed the intervening period in a state of i think i committed every possible absurdity in the way of preparation for this blessed event i turn hot when i remember the i bought my boots might be placed in any collection of instruments of torture i provided and sent down by the coach the night before a z the personal history and experience delicate little in itself i thought almost to a declaration there were in it with the tenderest that could be got for money at six in the morning i was in garden market buying a for at ten i was on horseback i hired a gallant grey for the occasion with the in my hat to keep it fresh trotting down to i suppose that when i saw in the garden and pretended not to see her and rode past the house pretending to be anxiously looking for it i committed two small which other young gentlemen in my circumstances might have committed because they came so very natural to me but oh when i did find the house and did at the garden gate and drag those hearted boots across the lawn to sitting on a garden seat under a tree what a spectacle she was upon that beautiful morning among the in a bonnet and a dress of celestial blue there was a young lady with her comparatively stricken in years almost twenty i should say her name was miss and called her she was the bosom friend of happy miss mills was there and would bark at me again when i presented ray he his teeth with jealousy well he might if he had the least idea how i adored his mistress well he might oh thank you mr what dear flowers said i had had an intention of saying and had been studying the best form of words for three miles that i thought them beautiful before i saw them so near her but i couldn t manage it she was too bewildering to see her lay the flowers against her little chin was to lose all presence of mind and power of language in a feeble i wonder i didn t say kill me if you have a heart miss mills let me die here
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then held my flowers to to smell then growled and wouldn t smell them then laughed and held them a little closer to to make him then laid hold of a bit of with his teeth and worried imaginary cats in it then beat him and and said my poor beautiful flowers as i thought as if had laid hold of me i wished he had you be so glad to hear mr said that that cross miss is not here she has gone to her brother s marriage and will be away at least three weeks isn t that delightful i said i was sure it must be delightful to her and all that was delightful to her was delightful to me miss mills with an air of superior wisdom and benevolence smiled upon us she is the most disagreeable thing i ever saw said you can t believe how ill tempered and shocking she is yes i can my dear said you can perhaps love returned with her hand on s forgive my not excepting you my dear at first i learnt from this that miss mills had had her trials in the course of a existence and that to these perhaps i might refer that wise of manner which i had already noticed i found in the course op david of the day that this was the case miss mills having been unhappy in a affection and being understood to have retired from the world on her awful stock of experience but still to take a calm interest in the hopes and loves of youth but now mr came out of the house and went to him saying look papa what beautiful flowers and miss mills smiled thoughtfully as who should say ye may flies enjoy your brief existence in the bright morning of life and we all walked from the lawn towards the carriage which was getting ready i shall never have such a ride again i have never had such another there were only those three their my and the in the and of course the was open and i rode behind it and sat with her back to the horses looking towards me she kept the close to her on the cushion and wouldn t allow to sit on that side of her at all for fear he should crush it she often carried it in her hand often refreshed herself with its fragrance our eyes at those times often met and my great astonishment is that i didn t go over the head of my gallant grey into the carriage there was dust i there was a good deal of dust i believe i have a faint impression that mr remonstrated with me for riding in it but i knew of none i was sensible of a mist of love and beauty about but of nothing else he stood up sometimes and asked me what i thought of the prospect i said it was delightful and i it was but it was all to me the sun shone and the birds sang the south blew and the wild flowers in the hedges were all to a bud my comfort is miss mills understood me miss mills alone could enter into my feelings thoroughly i don t know how long we were going and to this hour i know as little where we went perhaps it was near perhaps some night opened up the place for the day and shut it for ever when we came away it was a green spot on a hill with soft turf there were shady trees and and as far as the eye could see a rich landscape it was a trying thing to find people here waiting for us and my jealousy even of the ladies knew no bounds but all of my own sex especially one three or years my elder with a red on which he established an amount of presumption not be endured were my mortal foes we all our baskets and employed ourselves in getting dinner ready bed pretended he could make a which i don t believe and himself on public notice some of the young ladies washed the for him and them under his directions was among these i felt that fate had me against this man and one of us must fall bed made his i wondered how they could eat it nothing should have induced me to touch it and himself into the charge of the wine cellar which he constructed being an ingenious beast in the hollow trunk of a tree by and by i saw him with the majority of a on his plate eating his dinner at the feet of i have but an indistinct idea of what happened for some time after this the history and experience object presented itself to my view i was very i know but it was hollow merriment i attached myself to a young e in pink with little eyes and with her desperately she received my attentions with favour but whether on my account solely or because she had any designs on red i can t say s health was drunk when i drank it i affected to interrupt my conversation for that purpose and to resume it immediately afterwards i caught s eye as i bowed to her and i thought it looked appealing but it looked at me over the head of red and i was the young creature in pink had a mother in green and i rather think the latter separated us from motives of policy there was a general breaking up of the party while the of the dinner were being put away and i strolled off by myself among the trees in a raging and state i was whether i should pretend that i was not well and i don t know where upon my gallant grey when and
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miss mills met me mr said miss mills you are dull i begged her pardon not at all and said miss mills you are dull oh dear no not in the least mr and said mills with an almost venerable air enough of this do not allow a trivial misunderstanding to the blossoms of spring which once put forth and can not be renewed i speak said miss mills from experience of the past the remote past the fountains which sparkle in the sun must not be stopped in mere caprice the in the desert of must not be plucked up idly i hardly knew what i did i was burning all over to that extraordinary extent but i took s little hand and kissed it and she let me i kissed miss mills s hand and we all seemed to my thinking to go straight up to the seventh heaven we did not come down again we stayed up there all the evening at first we strayed to and fro among the trees i with s shy arm drawn through mine and heaven knows folly as it all was it would have been a happy fate to have been struck immortal with those foolish feelings and have strayed among the trees for ever but much too soon we heard the others laughing and talking and calling where s so we back and they wanted to sing r would have got the case out of the carriage but told him nobody knew where it was but i so red was done for in a moment and i got it and unlocked it and took the out and sat by her and held her handkerchief and gloves and drank in every note of her dear voice and she sang to me who loved her and all the others might as much as they liked but they had nothing to do with it i was with joy i was afraid it was too happy to be real and that i should wake in street presently and hear mrs the in getting breakfast ready but sang and others sang and miss mills sang about the echoes in the of memory as if she were a hundred years old and the m op david evening came on and we had tea with a kettle boiling and i was still as happy as ever i was happier than ever when the party broke up and the other people defeated red and all went their several ways and we went ours through the still evening and the dying light with sweet rising up around us mr being a little drowsy after the champagne honour to the soil that the to the that made the wine to the sun that it and to the merchant who it and being fast asleep in a corner of the carriage i rode by the side and talked to she admired my horse and patted him oh what a dear little hand it looked upon a horse and her shawl would not keep right and now and then i drew it round her with my arm and i even fancied that began to see how it was and to understand that he must make up his mind to be friends with me that sagacious miss mills too that amiable though quite used up that little of something less than twenty who had done with the world and mustn t on any account have the echoes in the of memory awakened what a kind thing she did ml said miss mills come to this side of the a moment if you can spare a moment i want to speak to you behold me on my gallant grey bending at the side of miss mills with my hand upon the carriage door is coming to stay with me she is coming home with me the day after to morrow if you would like to call i am sure papa would be happy to see you what could i do but a silent blessing on miss mills s head and store miss mills s address in the corner of my memory what could i do but tell miss mills with grateful looks and fervent words how much i appreciated her good offices and what an value i set upon her friendship then miss mills dismissed me saying go back to and i went and leaned out of the carriage to talk to me and we talked all the rest of the way and i rode my gallant grey so close to the wheel that i his near fore leg against it and took the bark off as his owner told me to the tune of three which i paid and thought extremely cheap for so much joy what time miss mills sat looking at the moon murmuring verses and recalling i suppose the ancient days when she and earth had anything in common was many miles too near and we reached it many hours too soon but mr came to himself a little short of it and said you must come in and rest and i we had and wine and water in the light room blushing looked so lovely that i could not tear myself away but sat there staring in a dream until the of mr inspired me with sufficient consciousness to take my leave so we parted i riding all the way to london with the farewell touch of s hand still light on mine recalling every incident and word ten thousand times lying down in my own bed at last as a young as ever was carried out of his five wits by love when i awoke next morning i was resolute to declare ray passion the personal history and experience to and know my fate happiness or misery was now the question there was no other question that i
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so associated in my remembrance with s hand that yesterday when i saw such another by chance on the finger of my own daughter there was a momentary stirring in my heart like pain when i walked about exalted with my secret and full of my own interest and felt the dignity of loving and of being beloved so much that if i had walked the air i could not have been more above the people not so situated who were creeping on the earth w hen we had those meetings in the garden of the square and sat within the dingy summer house so happy that i love the london to this hour for nothing else and see the of the in their smoky feathers the personal and experience when we had our first great quarrel within a week of our and when sent me back the ring enclosed in a despairing note wherein she used the terrible expression that our love had begun in folly and ended in madness which dreadful words occasioned me to tear my hair and cry that all was over when under cover of the night i flew to miss mills whom i saw by in a back kitchen where there was a and implored miss mills to between us and insanity when miss mills undertook the office and returned with us from the pulpit of her own bitter youth to mutual concession and the of the desert of when we cried and made it up and were so again that the and all changed to love s own temple where we arranged a plan of correspondence through miss mills always to comprehend at least one letter on each side every day what an idle time what an happy foolish time of all the times of mine that time has in his grip there is none that in one i can smile at half so much and think of half so tenderly chapter my aunt me i wrote to as soon as and i were engaged f wrote her a long letter in which i tried to make her comprehend how i was and what a darling was i entreated not to regard this as a thoughtless passion which could ever yield to any other or had the least resemblance to the boyish fancies that we used to joke about i assured her that its was quite and expressed my belief that nothing like it had ever been known somehow as i wrote to on a fine evening by my open window and the remembrance of her clear calm eyes and gentle face came stealing over me it shed such a peaceful influence upon the hm ry and agitation in which i had been living lately and of which my very happiness partook in some degree that it soothed me into tears i remember that i sat resting my head upon my hand when the letter was half done a general fancy as if were one of the elements of my natural home as if in the retirement of the house made almost sacred to me by her presence and i must be happier than anywhere as if in love joy sorrow hope or disappointment in all emotions my heart turned naturally there and found its refuge and best friend of i said nothing i only told her there had been sad gi at on account of s flight and that on me it made a op david double wound by reason of the circumstances attending it i knew how quick she always was to divine the truth and that she would never be the first to breathe his name to this letter i received an answer by return of post as i read it i seemed to hear speaking to me it was like her cordial voice in my ears what can i say more while i had been away from home lately had called twice or thrice finding within and being informed by who always volunteered that information to would receive it that she was my old nurse he had established a good humoured acquaintance with her and had stayed to have a little chat with her about me so said but i am afraid the chat was all on her own side and of length as she was very difficult indeed to stop god bless her when she had me for her theme this reminds me not only that i expected on a certain afternoon of his own which was now come but that mrs had resigned everything to her office the salary until should cease to present herself mrs after holding divers conversations respecting in a very high pitched voice on the staircase with some invisible familiar it would appear for speaking she was quite alone at those times addressed a letter to me developing her views beginning it with that statement of universal application which fitted every occurrence of her life namely that she was a mother herself she went on to inform me that she had once seen very days but that at all periods of her existence she had had a constitutional objection to and she named no names she said let them the cap fitted wear it but and especially in weeds this was she had ever accustomed herself to look down upon if a gentleman was the victim of and but still no names that was his own pleasure he had a right to please himself so let him do au that she mrs for was that she should not be brought in contract with such persons therefore she begged to be excused from any further attendance on the top set until things was as they formerly was and as they could be wished to be and further mentioned that her little book would be found upon the breakfast table every saturday morning when she requested an immediate settlement of the same with
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the benevolent view of saving trouble and an ill to all parties after this mrs confined herself to making on the stairs principally with and endeavouring to into breaking her legs i found it rather to live in this state of siege but was too much afraid of mrs to see any way out of it my dear cried appearing at my door in spite of all these obstacles how do you do my dear said i i am delighted to see you at last and very sorry i have not been at home before but i have been so much engaged yes yes i know said of course your s lives in london i think the personal history and experience what did you say she excuse me miss d you know said colouring in lis great delicacy lives in london i believe oh yes near london mine perhaps you recollect said with a serious look lives down in one of ten consequently i am not so much engaged as you in that sense i wonder you can bear i returned to see her so seldom said thoughtfully it does seem a wonder i suppose it is because there s no help for it i suppose so i replied with a smile and not without a blush and because you have so much constancy and patience dear me said considering about it do i strike you in that way i didn t know that i had but she is such an dear girl herself that it s possible she may have imparted something of those virtues to me now you mention it i shouldn t wonder at all i assure you she is always forgetting herself and taking care of the other nine is she the eldest i inquired oh dear no said the eldest is a beauty he saw i suppose that i could not help smiling at the simplicity of this reply and added with a smile upon his own face not of course but that my pretty name i always very pretty said i not of course but that is beautiful too in my eyes and would be one of the dearest that ever was in anybody s eyes i should think but when i say the eldest is a beauty i mean she really is a he seemed to be describing clouds about himself with both hands splendid you know said indeed said i oh i e you said something very uncommon indeed then you know being formed for society and admiration and not being able to enjoy much of it in consequence of their limited means she naturally gets a little irritable and sometimes puts her in good humour is the youngest i oh dear no said his chin the two youngest are only nine and ten em the second daughter perhaps i no said s the second has something t ie matter with her poor girl the malady will wear out by and by the doctors say but in the meantime she has to lie down for a nurses her s the fourth is the mother living i inquired oh yes said she is alive she is a very superior woman indeed but the damp country is not adapted to her constitution in fact she has lost the use of her limbs dear me said i very sad is it not returned but in a merely domestic op david view it is not so bad as it might be because takes her place she is quite as much a mother to her mother as she is to the other nine felt the greatest admiration for the virtues of this young lady and honestly with the view of doing my best to prevent the good nature of from being imposed upon to the of their joint prospects in life inquired how mr was he is quite well thank you said i am not living with him at present no no you see the truth is said in a whisper he has changed his name to of his temporary and he don t come out till after dark and then in spectacles there was an execution put into our house for rent mrs was in such a dreadful state that i really t resist giving my name to that second bill we spoke of here you may imagine how delightful it was to my feelings to see the matter settled with it and mrs recover her spirits hum said i not that her happiness was of long duration pursued for unfortunately within a week another execution came in it broke up the establishment i have been living in a furnished apartment since then and the have been very private indeed i hope you won t think it selfish if i mention that the carried off my little round table with the marble top and s flower pot and stand what a hard thing i exclaimed indignantly it was a it was a said with his usual at that expression i don t mention it reproachfully however but with a motive the fact is was unable to them at the time of their in the first place because the having an idea that i wanted them ran the price up to an extravagant extent and in the second place because i hadn t any money now i have kept my eye since upon the s shop said a great enjoyment of his mystery which is up at the top of court road and at last to day i find them put out for sale i have only noticed them from over the way because if the saw me bless you he d ask any price for them what has occurred to me having now the money is that perhaps you wouldn t object to ask that good nurse of yours to come with me to the shop i
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can show it her from round the corner of the next street and make the best bargain for them as if they were for herself that she can the delight with which this plan to me and the sense he had of its uncommon are among the things in my remembrance i told him that my old nurse would be delighted to assist him and that we would all three take the field together but on one condition that condition was that he should make a solemn resolution to grant no more of his name or anything else to mr my dear said i have already done so because i begin to feel that i have not only been but that i have been positively unjust to my word being passed to myself the personal history and experience there is no longer any apprehension but i pledge it to you too with the gi readiness that first unlucky obligation i have paid i have no doubt mr would have paid it if he could but he could not one thing i ought to mention which i like very much in mr it to the second obligation which is not yet due he don t tell me that it is provided for but he says it mil be now i think there is something very fair and honest about that i was unwilling to damp my good friend s confidence and therefore assented after a little conversation we went round to the s shop to declining to pass the evening with me both because he endured the apprehensions that his property would be bought by somebody else before he could re purchase it and because it was the evening he always devoted to writing to the dearest girl in the world i never shall et him peeping round the corner of the street in court road while was for the precious articles or his agitation when she came slowly towards us after vainly offering a price and was hailed by the aud went back again the end of the was that she bought the property on tolerably easy and was transported with pleasure i am very much obliged to you indeed said on hearing it was to be sent to where he lived that night if i might ask one other favor i hope you wouldn t think it absurd i said beforehand certainly not then if you would be good enough said to to get the flower pot now i think i should like it being s to carry it home myself was glad to get it for him and he overwhelmed her with thanks and went his way up court carrying the in his arms with one of the most delighted expressions of countenance i ever saw we then turned back towards my chambers as the shops had charms for which i never knew them possess in the same degree for anybody else i sauntered easily along amused by her staring in at the windows and waiting for her as often as she chose we were thus a good while in getting to the on our way upstairs i called her attention to the sudden disappearance of mrs s and also to the prints of recent footsteps we were both very much surprised coming higher up to find my outer door standing open which i had shut and to hear voices inside we looked at one another without knowing what to make of this and went into the sitting room what was my amazement to find of all people upon earth my aunt there and mr dick my aunt sitting on a quantity of luggage with her two birds before her and her cat on her knee like a female drinking tea mr dick leaning thoughtfully on a great such as we had often been out together to fly with more luggage piled about him my dear aunt cried i why what an unexpected pleasure we cordially embraced and mr dick and i cordially shook hands and mrs who was busy making tea and could not be too attentive of david cordially said she bad well as mr would have his heart in his mouth when he see his dear relations said my aunt to who before her awful presence how are you remember my aunt said i the love of goodness child exclaimed my aunt don t call the woman by that south sea island name if she married and got rid of it which was the best thing she could do why don t you give her the benefit of the change what s your name now p said my aunt as a compromise for the ma am said with a well that s human said my aunt it sounds less as if you wanted a missionary how d ye do i hope you re well encouraged by these gracious words and by my aunt s extending her hand came forward and took the hand and her we are older than we were i see said my aunt we have only met each other once before you know a nice business we made of it then trot my dear another cup i handed it to my aunt who was in her usual state of figure and ventured a remonstrance with her on the subject of her sitting on a box let me draw the sofa here or the easy chair aunt said i why should you be so uncomfortable thank you trot replied my aunt i prefer to sit upon my property here my aunt looked hard at mrs and observed we needn t trouble you to wait ma am shall i put a little more tea in the pot afore i go ma am said mrs no i thank you ma am replied my aunt would you let me fetch another pat of butter ma am said mrs or would you be persuaded to
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try a new laid or should i a ain t there nothing i could do for your dear aunt mr nothing ma am returned my aunt i shall do very w ell i thank you mrs who had been incessantly smiling to express sweet temper and incessantly holding her head on one side to express a general of constitution and incessantly rubbing her hands to express a desire to be of service to all deserving objects gradually smiled herself one sided herself and rubbed herself out of the room dick said my aunt you know what i told you about and wealth w mr dick with rather a scared look as if he had forgotten it returned a hasty answer in the affirmative mrs is one of them said my aunt i trouble you to look after the tea and let me have another cup for i don t fancy that woman s pouring out i knew my aunt sufficiently well to know that she had something of importance on her mind and that there was far more matter in this the personal history and experience a stranger might have supposed i noticed how her eye lighted on me when she thought my attention otherwise occupied and what a curious process of hesitation appeared to be going on within her she preserved her outward and composure i began to reflect whether i had done anything to offend her and my conscience whispered me that i had not yet told her about could it by any means be that i wondered as i knew she would only speak in her own good time i sat down near her and spoke to the birds and played with the cat and was as easy as i could be but i was very far from being really easy and i should still have been so even if mr dick leaning over the great behind my aunt had not taken every secret opportunity of shaking his head darkly at me and pointing at her trot said my aunt at last when she had finished her tea and carefully smoothed down her dress and wiped her lips you needn t go trot have you got to be firm and self i hope so aunt what do you think inquired miss i think so aunt then why my love said my aunt looking earnestly at me why do you think i prefer to sit upon this property of mine to night i shook my head unable to guess because said my aunt it s all i have because i m ruined my dear if the house and every one of us had tumbled out into the river together i could hardly have received a greater shock dick knows it said my aunt laying her hand calmly on my shoulder i am ruined my dear trot all i have in the world is in this room except the cottage and that i have left to let i want to get a bed for this gentleman to night to save expense perhaps you can make up something here for myself anything will do it s only for to night we talk about this more to morrow i was roused from my amazement and for her i am sure for her by her falling on my neck for a moment and crying that she only grieved for me in another moment she suppressed this emotion and said with an aspect more triumphant than dejected we must meet boldly and not suffer them to frighten us my dear we must learn to act the play out we must live misfortune down trot i i i i i i so of david chapter depression as soon as i could recover my presence of mind which quite deserted me in the first overpowering shock of my aunt s intelligence i proposed to mr dick to come round to the s shop and take possession of the bed which mr had lately the s shop being in market and market being a place in those days there was a low wooden before the door not very unlike that before the house where the little man and woman used to live in the old weather glass which pleased mr dick the glory of lodging over this structure would have him i dare say for many but as there were really few to bear beyond the compound of i have already mentioned and perhaps the want of a little more elbow room he was perfectly charmed with his accommodation mrs had indignantly assured him that there wasn t room to swing a cat there but as mr dick justly observed to me sitting down on the foot of the bed nursing his leg you know i don t want to swing a cat i never do swing a cat therefore what does that signify to me i tried to ascertain whether mr dick had any understanding of the causes of this sudden and great change in my aunt s affairs as i might have expected he had none at all the only account he could give of it was that my aunt had said to him the day before yesterday now dick are you really and truly the philosopher i take you for that then he bad said yes he hoped so that then my aunt had said dick i am ruined that then he had said oh indeed that then my aunt had praised him highly which he was very glad of and that then they had come to me and had had porter and on the road mr dick was so very complacent sitting on the foot of the bed nursing his leg and telling me this with his eyes wide open and a surprised smile that am sorry to say i was provoked into explaining to him that ruin meant distress want and starvation but i
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was soon bitterly for this by seeing his face turn pale and tears course down his lengthened cheeks while he fixed upon me a look of such unutterable woe that it might have softened a far harder heart than mine i took infinitely greater pains to cheer him up again than i had taken to him and i soon understood as i ought to have known at first that he had been so confident merely because of his faith in the wisest and most wonderful of women and his unbounded reliance on my intellectual resources the latter i believe he considered a match for any kind of disaster not absolutely mortal what can we do said mr dick there s the memorial a a the personal history and experience to be sure there is said i but all we can do just now mr dick is to keep a cheerful countenance and not let my aunt see that we are thinking about it he assented to this in the most earnest manner and implored me if i should see him wandering an inch out of the right course to him by some of those superior methods which were always at my command but i regret to state that the fright had given him proved too much for his best attempts at concealment a the evening his eyes wandered to my aunt s face with an expression of the most dismal apprehension as if he saw her growing thin on the spot he was conscious of this and put a upon his head but his keeping that immovable and sitting rolling his eyes like a piece of machinery did not mend the matter at all i saw him look at the loaf at supper which happened to be a small one as if nothing else stood between us and famine and when my aunt insisted on his making his customary i detected him in the act of fragments of his bread and cheese i have no doubt for the purpose of us with those when we should have reached an advanced stage of my aunt on the other hand was in a composed frame of mind which was a lesson to all of us to me i am sure she was extremely gracious to except when i called her by that name and strange as i knew she felt in london appeared quite at home she was to have my bed and i was to lie in the sitting room to keep guard over her she made a great point of being so near the river in case of a and i suppose really did find some satisfaction in that circumstance trot my dear said my aunt when she saw me making preparations for her usual night draught no nothing aunt not wine my dear ale but there is wine here aunt and you always have it made of wine keep that in case of sickness said my aunt we mustn t use it carelessly trot ale for me half a pint i thought dick would have fallen insensible my aunt being resolute i went out and got the ale myself as it was growing late and mr dick took that opportunity of to the s shop together i parted from him poor fellow at the corner of the street with his gi eat at his back a very monument of human misery my aunt was walking up and down the room when i returned the borders of her with her fingers i warmed the ale and made the toast on the usual principles when it was ready for her she was ready for it with her on and the skirt of her gown turned back on her knees my dear said my aunt after taking a of it it s a great deal better than wine not half so i suppose i looked doubtful for she added tut tut child if nothing worse than ale happens to us we are well off i should think so myself aunt i am sure said i well then why you think so said my aunt i of david because you and i are very different people i returned stuff and nonsense trot replied my aunt my aunt went on with a quiet enjoyment in which there was very little affectation if any drinking the warm ale with a and her of toast in it trot said she don t care for strange faces in general but i rather like that of yours do you know it s better than a hundred pounds to hear you say so said i it s a most extraordinary world observed my aunt rubbing her nose how that woman ever got into it with that name is unaccountable to me it would be much more easy to be born a or something of that sort one would think perhaps she thinks so too it s not her fault said i i suppose not returned my aunt rather the admission but it s very however she s now that s some comfort is uncommonly fond of you trot there is nothing she would leave undone to prove it said i nothing i believe returned my aunt here the poor fool has been begging and praying about handing over some of her money because she has got too much of it a my aunt s tears of pleasure were positively down into the warm ale she s the most ridiculous creature that ever was born said my aunt i knew from the first moment when i saw her with that poor dear blessed baby of a mother of yours that she was the most ridiculous of mortals but there are good points in affecting to laugh she got an opportunity of putting her hand to her eyes having availed herself of it she resumed her toast and her discourse together ah mercy upon us sighed my aunt
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i know all about it trot and myself had quite a gossip while you were out with dick i know all about it i don t know where these wretched girls expect to go to for my part i wonder they don t knock out their brains against against said my aunt an idea which was probably suggested to her by her contemplation of mine poor said i oh don t talk to me about poor returned my aunt she should m have thought of that before she caused so much misery me a kiss trot i am sorry for your early experience as i bent forward she put her on my knee to detain me and said oh trot trot and so you fancy yourself in love do you fancy aunt i exclaimed as red as i could be i her with my whole soul indeed returned my aunt and you mean to say the little thing is very fascinating i suppose my dear aunt i replied no one can form the least idea what she is f i ah and not silly said mv aunt silly aunt a a the personal history and experience i seriously believe it had never once entered my head for a single moment to consider whether she was or not i resented the idea of course but i was in a manner struck by it as a new one altogether not light headed said my aunt light headed aunt i could only repeat this daring speculation with the same kind of feeling with which i had repeated the preceding question well well said my aunt i only ask i don t her poor little couple and so you think you were formed for one another and are to go through a party supper table kind of life like two pretty pieces of do you trot she asked me this so kindly and with such a gentle air half playful and half sorrowful that i was quite touched we are young and inexperienced aunt i know i replied and i dare say we say and think a good deal that is rather foolish but we love one another truly i am sure if i thought could ever love anybody else or cease to love me or that i could ever love anybody else or cease to love her i don t know what i should do go out of my mind i think ah trot said my aunt shaking her head and smiling gravely blind blind some one that i know trot ray aunt pursued after a pause though of a very disposition has an earnestness of affection in him that reminds me of poor baby earnestness is what that somebody must look for to sustain him and improve him trot deep downright faithful earnestness if you only knew the earnestness of aunt i cried oh trot she said again blind blind and without knowing why i felt a vague unhappy loss or want of something me like a cloud however said my aunt i don t want to put two young creatures out of conceit with themselves or to make them unhappy so though it is a girl and boy attachment and girl and boy very often mind i don t say always come to nothing still we be serious about it and hope for a prosperous issue one of these days there s time enough for it to come to anything this was not upon the whole very comforting to a lover but i was glad to have my aunt in my confidence and i was of her being fatigued so i thanked her for this mark of her affection and for all her other towards me and after a tender good night she took her into my bedroom how miserable i was when i lay down how i thought and thought about my being poor in mr s eyes about my not being what i thought i was when i proposed to about the necessity of telling what my worldly condition was and her from her engagement if she thought fit about how i should contrive to live during the long term of my articles when i was earning nothing about doing something to assist my aunt and seeing no way of doing anything about coming down to have no money in my pocket and to wear a shabby coat and to be able to carry no little presents and to ride no gallant and to show myself in no agreeable light sordid and selfish as i knew it was and as i tortured myself by knowing that it was of david to let my mind run on my own distress so much i was so devoted to that i could not help it i knew that it was base in me not to think more of my aunt and less of myself but so far selfishness was inseparable from and i could not put on one side for any mortal creature how exceedingly miserable i was that night as to sleep i had dreams of poverty in all sorts of shapes but t seemed to dream without the previous ceremony of going to sleep now was ragged wanting to sell matches six bundles for a now i was at the office in a and boots remonstrated with by mr on appearing before the in that airy attire now i was picking up the that fell from old s daily regularly eaten when saint paul s struck one now i was hopelessly endeavouring to get a license to marry having nothing but one of s gloves to in exchange which the whole rejected and still more or less conscious of my own room i was always tossing about like a distressed ship in a sea of bed clothes my aunt was restless too for i frequently heard her walking to and fro two or three times
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in the course of the night attired in a long flannel in which she looked seven feet high she appeared like a disturbed ghost in my room and came to the side of the sofa on which i on the first occasion i started up in alarm to learn that she inferred from a particular light in the sky that westminster abbey was on fire and to be consulted in reference to the probability of its street in case the wind changed lying still after that i found that she sat down near me whispering to herself poor boy and then it made me twenty times more wretched to know how she was of me and how i was of myself it was difficult to believe that a night so long to could be short to anybody else this consideration set me thinking and thinking of an party where people were dancing the hours away until that became a dream too and i heard the music incessantly playing one tune and saw incessantly dancing one dance without taking the least notice of me the man who had been playing the harp all night was trying in vain to cover it with an ordinary sized when i awoke or i should rather say when i left ofl trying to go to sleep and saw the sun shining in through the window at last there was an old bath in those days at the bottom of one of the streets out of the strand it may be there still in which i have had many a cold plunge dressing myself as quietly as i could and leaving to look after my aunt i tumbled head foremost into it and then went for a walk to i had a hope that this brisk treatment might my wits a little and i think it did them good for i soon came to the conclusion that the first step i ought to take was to try if my articles could be and the recovered i got some breakfast on the heath and walked back to doctors along the watered roads and through a pleasant smell of summer flowers growing in gardens and carried into town on heads intent on this first effort to meet our altered i arrived at the office so soon after all that i had half an hour s about the before old who was always first appeared with his key then i sat down in my shady corner looking up at the sunlight the personal history and experience on the opposite pots and thinking about until mr came in crisp and curly how are you said he fine morning beautiful morning sir said i could i say a word to you before you go into court by all means said he come into my room i followed him into his room and he began putting on his gown and touching himself up before a little glass he had hanging inside a closet door i am sorry to say said i that i have some rather intelligence from my aunt no said he dear me not i hope it has no reference to her health sir i replied she has met with some large losses in fact she has very little left indeed you as me cried mr i shook my head indeed sir said i her affairs are so changed that i wished to ask you whether it would be possible at a sacrifice on our part of some portion of the of course i put in this on the spur of the moment warned by the blank expression of his face to my articles what it cost me to make this proposal nobody knows it was like asking as a favor to be to from to your articles i explained with tolerable firmness that i really did not know where my means of were to come from unless i could earn them for myself i had no fear for the future i said and i laid great emphasis on that as if to imply that i should still be decidedly eligible for a law one of these days but for the present i was thrown upon my own resources i am extremely sorry to hear this said mr extremely sorry it is not usual to articles for any such i it is not a professional course of proceeding it is not a convenient precedent at all far from it at the same time you are very good sir i murmured a concession not at all don t mention it said mr at the same time i was going to say if it had been my lot to have my hands if i had not a partner mr my hopes were dashed in a moment but i made another effort do you think sir said i if i were to mention it to mr mr shook his head heaven forbid he replied that i should do any man an injustice still less mr but i know my partner mr is not a man to respond to a proposition of this peculiar nature mr is very difficult to move from the beaten track you know what he is i am sure i knew nothing about him except that he had originally been alone in the business and now lived by himself in a house near square which was fearfully in want of painting that he came very late of a day and went away very early that he never appeared to be consulted about and that he had a dingy little black hole of up stairs where no business was ever done and where there was a yellow old paper upon his desk by ink and reported to be twenty years of age i i of david would you object to ray mentioning it to him sir i asked by
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no means said mr but i have some experience of mr i wish it were otherwise for i should be happy to meet your views in any respect i cannot have the least objection to your mentioning it to mr if you think it worth while myself of this permission which was given with a warm shake of the hand i sat thinking about and looking at the sunlight stealing from the chimney pots down the wall of the opposite house until mr came i then went up to mr s room and evidently astonished mr very much by making my appearance there come in mr said mr come in i went in and sat down and stated my case to mr pretty much as t had stated it to mr mr was not by any means the awful creature one might have expected but a large mild man of sixty who took so much that there was a tradition in the that he lived principally on that having little room in his system for any other article of diet you have mentioned this to mr i suppose said mr when he had heard me very to an end i answered yes and told him that mr had introduced his name he said i should object asked i ir i was obliged to admit that mr had considered it probable i am sorry to say mr i can t advance your object said mr nervously the fact is but i have an appointment at the bank if you have the goodness to excuse me with that he rose in a great hurry and was going out of the room when i made bold to say that i feared then there was no way of arranging the matter no said mr stopping at the door to shake his head oh no i object you know which he said very rapidly and went out you must be aware mr he added looking in at the door again if mi objects personally he does not object sir said i oh personally repeated mr in an impatient manner i assure you there s an objection mr hopeless what you wish to be done can t be done i i really have got an appointment at the bank with that he fairly ran away and to the best of my knowledge it was three days before he showed himself in the again being very anxious to leave no stone i waited until mr came in and then described what had passed giving him to understand that i was not hopeless of his being able to soften the if he would undertake that task returned mr with a sagacious smile you have not known my partner mr as long as i have nothing is farther from my thoughts than to attribute any degree of to mr but ir has a way of stating his objections which often people no shaking his head mr is not to be moved believe me the personal history and experience i was completely bewildered between mr and mr as to which of them really was the partner but i saw with sufficient clearness that there was somewhere in the firm and that the recovery of my aunt s thousand pounds was out of the question in a state of despondency which remember with anything but satisfaction for i know it still had too much reference to myself though always in with i left the office and went homeward i was trying to my mind with the worst and to present to myself the arrangements we should have to make for the future in their aspect when a chariot coming after me and stopping at my very feet occasioned me to look up a fair hand was stretched forth to me from the window and the face i had never seen without a feeling of serenity and happiness from the moment when it first turned back on the old oak staircase with the great broad and when i associated its softened beauty with the stained glass window in the church was smiling on me i joyfully exclaimed oh my dear of all people in the world what a pleasure to see you is it indeed she said in her cordial voice i want to talk to you so much said i it s such a of my heart only to look at you if i had had a s cap there is no one i should have wished for but you what returned well perhaps first i admitted with a blush certainly first i hope said laughing but you next said i where are you going she was going to my rooms to see my aunt the day being very fine she was glad to come out of the chariot which smelt i had my head in it all this time like a stable put under a frame i dismissed the coachman and she took my arm and we walked on together she was like hope embodied to me how different i felt in one short minute having at my side my aunt had written her one of the odd abrupt notes very little longer than a bank note to which her efforts were usually limited she had stated therein that she had fallen into and was leaving for good but had quite made up her mind to it and was so well that nobody need be uncomfortable about her had come to london to see my aunt between whom and herself there had been a mutual liking these many years indeed it dated from the time of my taking up my residence in mr s house she was not alone she said her papa was with her and and now they are partners said i confound him yes said they have some business here and i took advantage of their coming to come too you
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must not think ray visit all friendly and disinterested for i am afraid i may be cruelly prejudiced i do not like to let papa go away alone with him does he exercise the same influence over mr still shook her head there is such a change at home said she that you would scarcely know the dear old house they live with us now they said i i of david mr and his mother he sleeps in your old room said looking up into my face i wish i had the ordering of his dreams said i he wouldn t sleep there long i keep my own little room said where i used to learn my lessons how the time goes you remember the little room that opens from the drawing room when i saw you for the first time coming out at the door with your quaint little basket of keys at your side it is just the same said smiling i am glad you think of it so pleasantly we were very happy we were indeed said i i keep that room to myself still but i cannot always desert mrs you know and so said quietly i feel obliged to bear her company when i might prefer to be alone but i have no other reason to complain of her if she me sometimes by her praises of her son it is only natural in a mother he is a very good son to her i looked at when she said these words without in her any consciousness of s design her mild but earnest eyes met mine with their own beautiful frankness and there was no change in her gentle face the chief evil of their presence in the house said is that i cannot be as near papa as i could wish being so much between us and cannot watch over him if that is not too bold a thing to say as closely as i would but if any fraud or treachery is against him i hope that simple love and truth will be stronger in the end i hope that real love and truth are stronger in the end than any evil or misfortune in the world a certain bright smile which i never saw on any other face died away even while i thought how good it was and how familiar it had once been to me and she asked me with a quick change of expression we were drawing very near my street if i knew how the reverse in my aunt s circumstances had been brought about on my replying no she had not told me yet became thoughtful and i fancied i felt her arm tremble in mine we found my aunt alone in a state of some excitement a difference of opinion had arisen between herself and mrs on an abstract question the propriety of chambers being inhabited by the sex and my aunt utterly indifferent to on the part of mrs had cut the dispute short by informing that lady that she smelt of my brandy and that she would trouble her to walk out both of these expressions mrs considered and had expressed her intention of bringing before a british meaning it was supposed the of our national liberties my aunt however having had time to cool while was out showing mr dick the soldiers at the horse guards and being besides greatly pleased to see rather herself on the affair than otherwise and received us with good humour when laid her bonnet on the table and sat down beside her i could not but think looking on her mild and her radiant forehead how natural it the personal history and experience seemed to have her there how although she was so young and inexperienced my aunt confided in her how strong she was indeed in simple love and truth we began to talk about my aunt s losses and i told them what i had tried to do that morning which was trot said my aunt but well meant you are a generous boy i suppose i must say young man now and i am proud of you my dear so far so good now trot and let us look the case of in the face and see how it stands i observed turn pale as she looked very attentively at my aunt my aunt patting her cat looked very attentively at said my aunt who had always kept her money matters to herself i don t mean your sister trot my dear but myself had a certain property it don t matter how much enough to live on more for she had saved a little and added to it her property for some time and then by tke advice of her man of business laid it out on landed security that did very well and returned very good interest till was paid off i am talking of as if she was a man of war w ell then had to look about her for a new she thought she was wiser now than her man of business who was not such a good man of business by this time as he used to be i am alluding to your father and she took it into her head to lay it out for herself so she took her pigs said my aunt to a foreign market and a very bad market it turned out to be first she lost in the way and then she lost in the way fishing up treasure or some such tom nonsense explained my aunt rubbing her nose and then she lost in the way again and last of all to set the thing entirely to rights she lost in the way i don t know what the bank shares were worth for a little
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while said my aunt cent per cent was the lowest of it i believe but the bank was at the other end of the world and tumbled into space for what i know anyhow it fell to pieces and never will and never can pay sixpence and s were all there and there s an end of them least said mended my aunt concluded this philosophical summary by fixing her eyes with a kind of triumph on whose color was gradually returning dear miss is that all the history said i hope it s enough child said my aunt if there had been more money to lose it wouldn t have been all i dare say would have contrived to throw that after the rest and make another chapter i have little doubt but there was no more money and there s no more story had listened at first with suspended breath her color still came and went but she breathed more freely i thought i knew why i thought she had had some fear that her unhappy father might be in some way to blame for what had happened my aunt took her hand in hers and laughed is that all repeated my aunt why yes that s au except and she lived happy ever afterwards perhaps i may add that of yet one of these days now you have a wise head so have you trot in some things though i can t compliment you always and here my aunt shook her own at me with an energy peculiar to herself what s to be done here s the cottage taking one time with op david another will produce say seventy pounds a year i think we may safely put it down at that well that s all we ve got said my aunt with whom it was an as it is with some horses to stop very short when she appeared to be in a fair way of going on for a long while then said my aunt after a rest there s dick he s good for a hundred a year but of course that must be expended on himself i would sooner send him away though i know i am the only person who him than have him and not spend his money on himself how can trot and i do best upon our means what do you say say aunt i interposed that i must do something go for a soldier do you mean returned my aunt alarmed or go to sea i won t hear of it you are to be a we re not going to have any on the head in this family if you please sir i was about to explain that i was not desirous of introducing that mode of provision into the family when inquired if my rooms were held for any long term you come to the point my dear said my aunt they are not to be got rid of for six months at least unless they could be and that i don t believe the last man died here people out of six would die of course of that woman in with the flannel i have a little ready money and i agree with you the best thing we can do is to live the term out here and get dick a bed room hard by i thought it my duty to hint at the discomfort my aunt would sustain from living in a continual state of warfare with mrs c but she disposed of that objection by declaring that on the first demonstration of she was prepared to astonish mrs for the whole remainder of her natural life i have been thinking said that if you had time i have a good deal of time i am always disengaged after four or five o clock and i have time early in the morning in one way and another said i conscious of a little as i thought of the hours and hours i had devoted to about town and to and fro upon the road i have abundance of time i know you would not mind said coming to me and speaking in a low voice so full of sweet and hopeful consideration that i hear it now the duties of a secretary mind my dear because continued doctor strong has acted on his intention of retiring and has come to live in london and he asked papa i know if he could recommend him one don t you think he would rather have his favorite old pupil near him than anybody else dear said i what should i do without you you are always my good angel i told you so i never think of you in any other light answered with her pleasant laugh that one good angel meaning was enough and went on to remind me that the doctor had been used to occupy himself in his study early in the morning and m the evening and that probably my leisure would suit his very well i was scarcely more delighted with the prospect of earning my the personal history and experience own bread than with the hope of earning it under my old master in short acting on the advice of i sat down and wrote a letter to the doctor stating my object and to call on him next day at ten in the this i addressed to for in that place so memorable to me he lived and went out and posted myself without losing a minute wherever was some agreeable token of her noiseless presence seemed inseparable from the place when i came back i found my aunt s birds hanging just as they had hung so long in the parlor window of the cottage and my easy chair my aunt s much easier chair in its position at the
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which derived great additional force from the indignant manner in which my aunt afterwards moved in her chair and shook her the and experience head as if were making or at him but he said to me aside in a meek voice i am well aware master that miss though an excellent lady has a quick temper indeed i think i had the pleasure of knowing her when i was a clerk before you did master and it s only natural i am sure that it should be made quicker by present circumstances the wonder is that it isn t much worse i called to say that if there was anything we could do in present circumstances mother or self or and we should be really glad i may go so far said with a sickly smile at his partner said mr in a monotonous forced way is active in the business what he says i quite in you know i had an old interest in you apart from that what says i quite in oh what a reward it is said drawing up one leg at the risk of bringing down upon himself another from my aunt to be so trusted in but i hope i am able to do something to relieve him from the of business master is a great relief to me said mr in the same dull voice it s a load off my mind to have such a partner the red fox made him say all this i knew to exhibit him to me in the light he had indicated on the night when he poisoned my rest i saw the same ill favored smile upon his face again and saw how he watched me you are not going papa said anxiously w ill you not walk back with and me he would have looked to i believe before replying if that worthy had not anticipated him i am myself said on business otherwise i should have been to have kept with my friends but i leave my partner to represent the firm miss ever yours i wish you good day master and leave my respects for miss with those words he retired kissing his great hand and at us like a mask we sat there talking about our pleasant old days an hour or two mr left to soon became more like his former self though there was a settled depression upon him he never shook off for all that he brightened and had an evident pleasure in hearing us recall the little incidents of our old life many of which he remembered very well he said it was like those times to be alone with and me again and he wished to heaven they had never changed i am sure there was an influence in the placid face of and in the very touch of her hand upon his arm that did wonders for him my aunt who was busy nearly all this while with in the inner room would not accompany us to the place where they were staying but insisted on my going and i went we dined together after dinner sat beside him as of old and poured out his wine he took what she gave him and no more like a child and we all three sat together at a window as the evening gathered in when it was almost dark he lay down on a sofa his head and bending over him a little while and when she came back to the window it was not so dark but i could see tears glittering in her eyes of i pray heaven that i never may forget the dear girl in her love and truth at that time of my life for if i should i must be drawing near the end and then i would to remember her best she filled my heart with such good resolutions strengthened my weakness so by her example so directed i know not how she was too modest and gentle to advise me in many words the wandering and unsettled purpose within me that all the little good i have done and all the harm i have i solemnly believe i may refer to her and how she spoke to me of sitting at the window in the dark listened to my praises of her praised again and round the little shed some glimpses of her own pure light that made it yet more precious and more innocent to me oh sister of my boyhood if i had known then what i knew long afterwards there w as a beggar in the street when i w ent down and as i turned my head towards the window thinking of her calm eyes he made me start by muttering as if he were an echo of the morning blind blind blind enthusiasm i began the next day with another into the bath and then started for i was not now i was not afraid of the shabby coat and had no after gallant my whole manner of thinking of our late misfortune was changed what i had to do was to show my aunt that her past goodness to me had not been thrown away on an insensible ungrateful object what i had to do was to turn the painful discipline of my younger days to account by going to work with a resolute and steady heart what i had to do was to take my s axe in my hand and clear my own way through the forest of difficulty by cutting down the trees until i came to and i went on at a mighty rate as if it could be done by walking when i found myself on the familiar road pursuing such a different errand from that old one of pleasure with which it was associated it seemed as if a complete change
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had come on my whole life but that did not me with the new life came new purpose new intention great was the labor the reward was the reward and must be won i got into such a transport that i felt quite sorry my coat was not a little shabby already i wanted to be cutting at those trees in the forest of difficulty under circumstances that should prove my strength i had a good mind to ask an old man in wire spectacles who was breaking stones upon the road to lend me his hammer for a little while and let me begin to beat a path to out of granite i stimulated myself into such a heat and got so out of breath that i felt as if i had been the personal history and experience i don t know how much in this state i went into a cottage that i saw was to let and examined it narrowly for i felt it necessary to be practical it would do for me and admirably a little front garden for to run about in and bark at the through the and a capital room up stairs for my aunt i came out again and faster than ever and dashed up to at such a rate that i was there an hour too early and though i had not been should have been obliged to stroll about to cool myself before i was at all my first care after putting myself under this necessary course of preparation was to find the doctor s house it was not in that part of where mrs lived but quite on the opposite side of the little town when i had made this discovery i went back in an attraction i could not resist to a lane by mrs s and looked over the corner of the garden wall his room was shut up close the doors were standing open and was walking with a quick impetuous step up and down a gravel walk ou one side of the lawn she gave me the idea of some fierce thing that was dragging the length of its chain to and fro upon a beaten track and wearing its heart out i came softly away from my place of observation and avoiding that part of the neighbourhood and wishing i had not gone near it strolled about until it was ten o clock the church with the slender spire that stands on the top of the hill now was not there then to tell me the time an old red brick mansion used as a school was in its place and a fine old house it must have been to go to school at as i recollect it when i approached the doctor s cottage a pretty old place on which he seemed to have expended some money if i might judge from the and that had the look of being just completed i saw him walking in the garden at the side and all as if he had never left off walking since the days of my he had his old companions about him too for there were plenty of high trees in the neighbourhood and too or three were on the grass looking after him as if they had been to about him by the and were observing him closely in consequence knowing the utter of his attention from that distance i made bold to open the gate and walk after him so as to meet him when he should turn round when he did and came towards me he looked at me thoughtfully for a few moments evidently without thinking about me at all and then his benevolent face expressed extraordinary pleasure and he took me by both hands why my dear said the doctor you are a man how do you do i am delighted to see you my dear how very much you have improved you are quite yes dear me i hoped he was and mrs strong too oh dear yes said the doctor s quite well and she u be delighted to see you you were always her favorite she said so last night when i showed her your letter and yes to be sure you recollect mr jack perfectly sir of course said the doctor to be sure he pretty well too has he come home sir i inquired of david from india said the doctor yes ir jack couldn t bear the climate ray dear you have not forgotten mrs forgotten the old soldier and in that short time mrs said the doctor was quite vexed about him poor thing so we have got him at home again and we have bought him a little patent place which with him much better i knew enough of mr jack to suspect from this account that it was a place where there was not much to do and which was pretty well paid the doctor walking up and down with his hand on my shoulder and his kind face turned to mine went on now my dear in reference to this proposal of yours it s veiy gratifying and agreeable to me i am sure but don t you think you could do better you achieved distinction you know when you were with us you are qualified for many good things you have laid a foundation that any edifice may be raised upon and is it not a pity that you should devote the spring time of your life to such a poor pursuit as i can offer i became very glowing again and expressing myself in a style i am afraid urged my request strongly reminding the doctor that i had already a profession well well returned the doctor that s true certainly your having a profession and being actually engaged in studying it makes a difference but
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my good young friend what s seventy pounds a year it our income doctor strong said i deal me replied the doctor to think of that not that i mean to say it s rigidly limited to seventy pounds a year because i have always contemplated making any young friend i might thus employ a present too undoubtedly said the doctor still walking me up and down with his hand on my shoulder i have always taken an annual present into account my dear said i now really without any nonsense to whom i owe more obligations already than i ever can no no interposed the doctor pardon me if you will take such time as i have and that is my mornings and evenings and can think it worth seventy pounds a year you will do me such a service as i cannot express dear me said the doctor innocently to think that so little should go for so much dear dear and when you can do better you will on your word now said the doctor which he had always made a very grave appeal to the honor of us boys on my word sir i returned answering in our old school manner then be it so said the doctor clapping me on the shoulder and still keeping his hand there as we still walked up and down and i shall be twenty times happier sir said i with a little i hope innocent flattery if my e is to be on the dictionary the doctor stopped clapped me on the shoulder again and exclaimed with a triumph most delightful to behold as if i had penetrated to the depths of mortal sagacity my dear young friend you have hit it it is the dictionary b b the personal history and experience how could it be else his pockets were as full of it as his head it was sticking out of him in all directions he told me that since his retirement from life he had been advancing with it wonderfully and that nothing could suit him better than the proposed arrangements for morning and evening work as it was his custom to walk about in the day time with his considering cap on his papers were in a little confusion in consequence of mr having lately proffered his occasional services as an and not being accustomed to that occupation but we should soon put right what was amiss and go on afterwards when we were fairly at our work i found mr jack s efforts more troublesome to me than i had expected as he had not confined himself to making numerous mistakes but had so many soldiers and ladies heads over the doctor s manuscript that i often became involved in of obscurity the doctor was quite happy in the prospect of our going to work together on that wonderful performance and we settled to begin next morning at seven o clock we were to work two hours every morning and two or three hours every night except on when i was to rest on sundays of course i was to rest also and i considered these very easy terms our plans being thus arranged to our mutual satisfaction the doctor took me into the house to present me to mrs strong whom we found in the doctor s new study his books a freedom which he never permitted anybody else to take with those sacred they had postponed their breakfast on my account and we sat down to table together we had not been seated long when i saw an approaching arrival in mrs strong s face before i heard any sound of it a gentleman on horseback came to the gate and leading his horse into the little court with the bridle over his arm as if he were quite at home tied him to a ring in the empty coach house wall and came into the breakfast parlor whip in hand it was mr jack and mr jack was not at all improved by india i thought i was in a state of ferocious virtue however as to young men who were not cutting down the trees in the forest of difficulty and my impression must be received with due allowance mr jack said the doctor mr jack shook hands with me but not very warmly i believed and with an air of languid patronage at which i secretly took great but his languor altogether was quite a wonderful sight except when he addressed himself to his cousin have you this morning mr jack said the doctor i hardly ever take breakfast sir he replied with his head thrown back in an easy chair i find it me is there any news to day inquired the doctor nothing at all sir replied mr there s an account about the people being hungry and discontented down in the north but they are always being hungry and discontented somewhere the doctor looked grave and said as though he wished to change the subject then there s no news at all and no news they say is good news there s a long statement in the papers sir about a murder observed mr but somebody is always being murdered and i didn t read it or david a display of indifference to all the actions and passions of mankind was not supposed to be such a distinguished quality at that time i think as i have observed it to be considered since i have known it very fashionable indeed i have seen it displayed with such success that i have encountered some fine ladies and gentlemen who might as well have been born perhaps it impressed me the more then because it was new to me but it certainly did not tend to my opinion of or to strengthen my confidence in mr jack i came out to inquire whether would
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mr had got rid of his dust and ashes and that something really had turned up at last learning from that the invitation referred to the evening then wearing away expressed my readiness to do honor to it and we went off together to the lodging which mr occupied as mr and which was situated near the top of the gray s inn road the resources of this lodging were so limited that we found the now some eight or nine years old in a turn up in the of david co family sitting room where mr had prepared in a wash what he called a of the agreeable for which he was famous i had the pleasure on this occasion of the acquaintance of master whom i found a promising boy of about twelve or thirteen very subject to that restlessness of limb which is not an phenomenon in youths of his age i also became once more known to his sister miss in whom as mr told us her mother renewed her youth like the my dear said ir yourself and mr find us on the brink of and will excuse any little to that position glancing round as i made a suitable reply i observed that the family effects were already packed and that the amount of luggage was by no means overwhelming i congratulated on the approaching change my dear mr said mrs of your friendly interest in all our i am well ed my family may consider it if they please but i am a wife and mother and i never will desert mr appealed to by mrs s eye that said mrs that at least is my view my dear mr and mr of the obligation which i took upon myself when i repeated the words i take thee i read the service over with a flat candle on the previous night and the conclusion i derived from it was that i never could desert mr and said mrs though it is possible i may be mistaken in my view of the ceremony i never will my dear said ir a little impatiently i am not conscious that you are expected to do any thing of the sort i am aware my dear mr pursued mrs that i am now about to cast my lot among strangers and i am also aware that the various members of my family to whom mr has written in the most gentlemanly terms announcing that fact have not taken the least notice of mr s communication indeed i may be superstitious said mrs but it appears to me that mr is destined never to receive any answers whatever to the great majority of the communications he writes i may from the silence of my family that they object to the resolution i have taken but i should not allow myself to be from the path of duty mr even by my papa and were they still living i expressed my opinion that this was going in the right direction it may be a sacrifice said mrs to one s self in a cathedral town but surely mr if it is a sacrifice in me it is much more a sacrifice in a man of mr s abilities oh you are going to a cathedral town said i mr who had been helping us all out of the wash replied to in fact my dear i have entered into arrangements by virtue of which i stand pledged and contracted to our friend to assist and serve him in the capacity of and to be his confidential clerk the personal history and experience i stared at mr greatly enjoyed my surprise i am bound to state to you he said with an official air that the business habits and the prudent suggestions of mrs have iu a great measure to this result the to which mrs referred upon a former occasion being thrown down in the form of an advertisement was taken up by my friend and led to a mutual recognition of ray friend said mr who is a man of remarkable i desire to speak with all possible respect my friend has not fixed the positive at too high a figure but he has made a great deal in the way of from the pressure of pecuniary difficulties on the value of my services and on the value of those services i pin my faith such address and as i chance to possess said mr himself with the old genteel air will be devoted to my friend s service i have already some acquaintance with the law as a on civil process and i shall immediately apply myself to the of one of the most eminent and remarkable of our english i believe it is unnecessary to add that i allude to mr justice these observations and indeed the greater part of the observations made that evening were interrupted by mrs s discovering that master was sitting on his boots or holding his head on with both arms as if he felt it loose or accidentally kicking under the table or shuffling his feet over one another or producing them at distances from himself apparently outrageous to nature or sideways with his hair among the wine glasses or developing his restlessness of limb in some other form with the general interests of society and by master s receiving those discoveries in a spirit i sat all the while amazed by mr s disclosure and wondering what it meant until mrs resumed the thread of the discourse and claimed my attention what i particularly request mr to be careful of is said mrs that he does not my dear mr in applying himself to this subordinate branch of the law place it out of his power to rise ultimately to the top of the tree i am convinced that mr giving his mind to a
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profession so adapted to his fertile resources and his flow of language must distinguish himself now for example mr said mrs assuming a profound air a judge or even say a does an individual place himself beyond the pale of those by entering on such an office as mr has accepted my dear observed mr but glancing at too we have time enough before us for the consideration of those questions she returned no your mistake in life is that you do not look forward far enough you are bound injustice to your family if not to yourself to take in at a comprehensive glance the point in the horizon to which your abilities may lead you mr and drank his punch with an air of exceeding satisfaction still glancing at as if he desired to have his opinion of david why the plain state of the case mrs said mildly breaking the truth to her i mean the real fact you know just so said mrs my dear mr i wish to be as and literal as possible on a subject of so much importance is said that this branch of the law even if mr were a regular exactly so returned mrs you are and will not be able to get your eyes back has nothing pursued to do with that only a is for such and mr could not be a without being entered at an inn of court as a student for live years do i follow you said with her most air of business do i understand my dear mr that at the of that period mr would be eligible as a judge or he would be returned with a strong emphasis on that word thank you said mrs that is quite sufficient if such is the case and mr no privilege by entering on these duties my anxiety is set at rest i speak said mrs as a female necessarily but i have always been of opinion that mr possesses what i have heard my papa call when i lived at home the mind and i hope mr is now entering on a field where that mind will itself and take a commanding station i quite believe that mr saw himself in his mind s eye on the he passed his hand complacently over his bald head and said with resignation my dear we will not anticipate the of fortune if i am reserved to wear a wig i am at least prepared in allusion to his for that distinction i do not said mr regret my hair and i may have been deprived of it for a specific purpose i cannot say it is my intention my dear to my son for the church i will not deny that i should be happy on his account to attain to eminence for the church said i still pondering on yes said mr he has a remarkable head voice and will commence as a our residence at and our local will no doubt enable him to take advantage of any that may arise in the cathedral corps on looking at master again i saw that he had a certain expression of face as if his voice were behind his eyebrows where it presently appeared to be on his singing us as an alternative between that and bed the wood tapping after many compliments on this performance we fell into some general conversation and as i was too full of my desperate intentions to keep my altered circumstances to myself i made them known to mr and mrs i cannot express how extremely delighted they both were by the idea of my aunt s being in difficulties and how comfortable and friendly it made them when we were nearly come to the last round of the punch i addressed myself to and reminded him that we must not separate without the personal and experience wishing our friends health happiness and success in their new career i begged mr to fill us and proposed the toast in due form shaking hands with him across the table and kissing mrs to that occasion me in the first particular but did not consider himself a sufficiently old friend to venture on the second my dear said mr rising with one of his in each of his waistcoat pockets the companion of my youth if i may be allowed the expression and my esteemed if i may be permitted to call him so will allow me on the part of mrs myself and our oft spring to them in the warmest and most terms for their good wishes it may be expected that on the eve of a which will us to a perfectly new existence mr spoke as if they were going five hundred thousand miles i should offer a few remarks to two such friends as i see before me all that i have to say in this way i have said whatever station in society i may attain through the medium of the learned profession of which i am about to become an unworthy member i shall endeavour not to disgrace and mrs will be safe to adorn under the temporary pressure of pecuniary contracted with a view to their immediate but remaining through a combination of i have been under the necessity of assuming a garb from which my natural instincts i allude to spectacles and possessing myself of a to which i can establish no legitimate pretensions all i have to say on that score is that the cloud has passed from the dreary scene and the god of day is once more high upon the mountain tops on monday next on the arrival of the four o clock afternoon coach at my foot will be on my native heath my name mr resumed his seat on the close of these remarks and drank
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glasses of punch in grave succession he then said with much solemnity one thing more i have to do before this separation is complete and that is to perform an act of justice my friend mr thomas has on two several occasions put his name if i may use a common expression to bills of exchange for my accommodation on the first occasion mr thomas was left let me say in short in the the fulfilment of the second has not yet arrived the amount of the first obligation here mr carefully referred to papers was i believe twenty three four nine and a half of the second according to my entry of that transaction eighteen six two these sums united make a total if my calculation is correct to forty one ten eleven and a half my friend will perhaps do me the favor to check that total i did so and found it correct to leave this metropolis said mr and my friend mr thomas without myself of the pecuniary part of this obligation would weigh upon my mind to an extent i have therefore prepared for my friend mr thomas and i now hold in my hand a document which the desired object i beg to hand to my friend mr thomas my i u for forty one op david ten eleven and a half and i am to recover my moral dignity and to know that i can once more walk erect before my fellow man with this introduction which greatly affected him mi placed his i u in the hands of and said he wished him well in every relation of life i am persuaded not only that this was quite the same to mr as paying the money but that himself hardly knew the difference until he had had time to think about it mr walked so erect before his fellow man on the strength of this virtuous action that his chest looked half as broad again when he lighted us down stairs we parted with great on both sides and when i had seen to his own door and was going home alone i thought among the other odd and contradictory things i mused upon that slippery as mr was i was probably indebted to some compassionate recollection he retained of me as his boy for never having asked by him for money i certainly should not have had the moral courage to refuse it and i have no doubt he knew that to his credit be it written quite as well as i did a little cold water my new life had lasted for more than a week and i was stronger than ever in those tremendous practical resolutions that i felt the crisis required i continued to walk extremely fast and to have a general idea that i was getting on i made it a rule to take as much out of myself as i possibly could in my way of doing everything to which i applied my energies i made a perfect victim of myself i even entertained some idea of putting myself on a vegetable diet vaguely that in becoming a animal i should sacrifice to as yet little was quite unconscious of my desperate firmness otherwise than as my letters darkly it forth but another saturday came and on that saturday evening she was to be at mills s and when mr mills had gone to his club to me in the street by a bird cage in the drawing l middle window i was to go there to tea by this time we were quite settled down in street where mr dick continued his in a state of absolute felicity my aunt had obtained a signal victory over mrs by paying her off throwing the first she planted on the stairs out of window and protecting in person up and down the staircase a whom she engaged from the outer these vigorous measures struck such terror to the breast of mrs that she subsided into her own kitchen under the impression that my aunt was mad my aunt being indifferent to mrs s opinion and everybody else s and rather than the idea mrs of late the bold became within a the personal history and experience few days so faint hearted that rather than encounter my aunt upon the staircase she would endeavour to hide her form behind doors leaving visible however a wide margin of flannel or would shrink into dark corners this gave my aunt such unspeakable satisfaction that i believe she took a delight in up and down with her bonnet perched on the top of her head at times when mrs was likely to be in the way my aunt being uncommonly neat and ingenious made so many little improvements in our domestic arrangements that i seemed to be richer instead of poorer among the rest she converted the into a dressing room for me and purchased and a for my occupation which looked as like a in the as a could i was the object of her constant solicitude and my poor mother herself could not have loved me better or studied more how to make me had considered herself highly privileged in being allowed to in these labors and although she still retained something of her old sentiment of awe in reference to my aunt had received so many marks of encouragement and confidence that they were the best friends possible but the time had now come i am speaking of the saturday when i was to take tea at miss mills s when it was necessary for her to return home and enter on the discharge of the duties she had undertaken in behalf of ham so good bye said my aunt and take care of yourself i am sure i never thought i could be sorry to lose you i took to the coach
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and saw her off she cried at parting and confided her brother to my friendship as ham liad done we had heard nothing of him since he went away that sunny afternoon and now my own dear said if while you re a you should want any money to spend or if when you re out of your time my dear you should want any to set you up and you must do one or other or both my darling who has such a good right to ask leave to lend it you as my sweet girl s own old stupid me i was not so savagely independent as to say anything in reply but that if ever i borrowed money of anyone i would borrow it of her next to accepting a large sum on the spot i believe this gave more comfort than anything i could have done and my dear whispered tell the pretty little angel that i should so have liked to see her only for a minute and tell her that before she my boy i come and make your house so beautiful for you if you let me i declared that nobody else should touch it and this gave such delight that she went away in good spirits i fatigued myself as much as i possibly could in the all day by a variety of devices and at the appointed time in the evening repaired to mr mills s street mr mills who was a terrible fellow to fall asleep after dinner had not yet gone out and there was no in the middle window he kept me waiting so long that i fervently hoped the club would fine him for being late at last he came out and then i saw my own hang up the and peep into the balcony to look for me and run in again when she saw i was there while remained behind to bark of david at an immense butcher s dog in the street who could have taken him like a came to the drawing room door to meet me and came out tumbling over his own under the impression that i was a and we all thi ee went in as happy and loving as could be i soon carried desolation into the bosom of our joys not that i meant to do it but that i was so full of the subject by asking without the smallest preparation if she could love a beggar my pretty little startled her only association with the word was a yellow face and a or a pair of or a wooden leg or a dog with a stand in his mouth or something of that kind and she stared at me with the most delightful wonder how can you ask me anything so foolish love a beggar my own dearest said i am a beggar how can you be such a silly thing replied my hand as to sit there telling such stories i make bite you her childish way was the most delicious way in the world to me but it was necessary to be explicit and i solemnly repeated my own life i am your ruined david i declare i make bite you said shaking her curls if you are so ridiculous but i looked so serious that left off shaking her curls and laid her trembling little hand upon my shoulder and first looked scared and anxious then began to cry that was dreadful i fell upon my knees before the sofa caressing her and imploring her not to my heart but for some time poor little did nothing but exclaim oh dear oh dear and oh she was so frightened and where was mills and oh take her to mills and go away please until i was almost beside myself at last after an agony of and i got to look at me with a expression of face which i gradually soothed until it was only loving and her soft pretty cheek was lying against mine then i told her with my arms clasped round her how i loved her so dearly and so dearly how i felt it right to offer to release her from her engagement because now i was poor how i never could bear it or recover it if i lost her how i had no fears of poverty if she had none my arm being and my heart inspired by her how i was working with a courage such as none but lovers knew how i had begun to be practical and to look into the future how a crust well earned was sweeter far than a feast inherited and much more to the same purpose which i delivered in a burst of passionate eloquence quite surprising to myself though i had been thinking about it day and night ever since my aunt had astonished me is your heart mine still dear said i for i knew by her clinging to me that it was oh yes cried oh yes it s all yours oh don t be dreadful i dreadful to don t talk about being poor and working hard said closer to me oh don t don t my dearest love said i the crust well earned the personal history and experience oh yes but i don t want to hear any more about said and must have a mutton chop every day at twelve or he die i was charmed with her childish winning way i fondly explained to that should have his mutton chop with his accustomed regularity i drew a picture of our home made independent by my labor in the little house t had seen at and my aunt in her room up stairs i am not dreadful now said i tenderly oh no no cried but i hope your aunt will keep in her own room a good
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deal and i hope she s not a scolding old thing if it were possible for me to love more than ever i am sure i did but i felt she was a little it my new bom to find that so difficult of communication to her i made another trial when she was quite herself again and was curling s ears as he lay upon her lap i became grave and said my own may i mention something oh please don t be practical said because it me so sweetheart i returned there is nothing to alarm you in all this i want you to think of it quite differently i want to make it nerve you and inspire you oh but that s so shocking cried my love no perseverance and strength of character wiu enable us to bear much worse things but i haven t got any strength at all said shaking her cm have i oh do kiss and be agreeable it was impossible to resist kissing when she held him up to me for that purpose putting her own bright rosy little mouth into kissing form as she directed the operation which she insisted should be performed on the centre of his nose i did as she myself afterwards for my obedience and she charmed me out of my graver character for i don t know how long but my beloved said i at last it i was going to mention something the judge of the court might have fallen in love with her to see her fold her little hands and hold them up begging and praying me not to be dreadful any more indeed i am not going to be my darling i assured her but my love if you will sometimes think not you know far from that but if you will sometimes think just to encourage that you are engaged to a poor man don t don t pray don t cried it s so very dreadful my soul not at all said i cheerfully if you will sometimes think of that and look about now and then at your papa s housekeeping and endeavour to acquire a little habit of accounts for instance poor little received this suggestion with something that was half a sob and half a scream it will be so useful to us afterwards i went on and if you would promise me to read a little a httle book that i would send you it would be so excellent for both of us our path in life my said i warming with the subject is stony and rugged now op david and it rests with us to smooth it we must fight our way onward we must be brave there are obstacles to be met and we must meet and crush them i was going on at a great rate with a clenched hand and a most enthusiastic countenance but it was quite unnecessary to proceed i had said enough i had done it again oh she was so frightened oh where was mills oh take her to mills and go away please so that in short i was quite distracted and about the drawing room i thought i had killed her this time i sprinkled water on her face i went down on my knees i plucked at my hair i myself as a brute and a beast i implored her forgiveness i her to look up i miss mills s work box for a and in my agony of mind applied an ivory needle case instead and di all the needles over i shook my fists at who was as frantic as myself i did every wild extravagance that could be done and was a long way beyond the end of my wits when miss mills came into the room who has done this exclaimed miss mills her friend i replied j miss mills have done it behold the or words to that effect and hid my face from the light in the sofa cushion at first l mills thought it was a quarrel and that we were on the desert of but she soon found out how matters stood for my dear affectionate little embracing her began exclaiming that i was a poor and then cried for me and embraced me and asked me would i let her give me all her money to keep and then fell on miss mills s neck sobbing as if her tender heart were broken miss mills must have been born to be a blessing to us she ascertained from me in a few words what it was all about comforted and gradually convinced her that i was not a from my manner of stating the case i believe concluded that i was a and went myself up and down a plank all day with a and so brought us together in peace when we were quite composed and had gone up stairs to put some rose water to her eyes miss mills rang for tea in the interval i told miss mills that she was my friend and that my heart must cease to ere i could forget her sympathy i then to miss mills what i had endeavoured so very to to miss mills replied on general principles that the cottage of content was better than the palace of cold splendour and that where love was all was i said to miss mills that this was very true and who should know it better than i who loved with a love that never mortal had experienced yet but on miss mills observing with despondency that it well indeed for some hearts if this were so i explained that i begged leave to the observation to mortals of the masculine i then put it to miss mills to say whether she considered
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that there was or was not any practical merit in the suggestion i had been anxious to make concerning the accounts the housekeeping and the book miss mills after some consideration thus replied mr i will be plain with you mental suffering and trial the personal history and experience supply in some natures the place of years and i will be as plain with you as if i were a lady no the suggestion is not appropriate to our our dearest is a favorite child of nature she is a thing of light and and joy i am free to confess that if it could be done it might be well but and miss mills shook her head i was encouraged by this closing admission on the part of miss mills to ask her whether for s sake if she had any opportunity of her attention to such preparations for an earnest life she would avail herself of it miss mills replied in the affirmative so readily that i further asked her if she would take charge of the book and if she ever could it upon s acceptance without her undertake to do me that crowning service miss mills accepted this trust too but was not sanguine and returned looking such a lovely little creature that i really doubted whether she ought to be troubled with anything so ordinary and she loved me so much and was so particularly when she made stand on his hind legs for toast and when she pretended to hold that nose of his against the hot tea pot for punishment because he wouldn t that i felt like a sort of monster who had got into a fairy s bower when i thought of having frightened her and made her cry after tea we had the and sang those same dear old french songs about the impossibility of ever on any account leaving dancing la ra la la ra la until i felt a much greater monster than before we had only one check to om pleasure and that happened a little while before i took my leave when miss mills to make some allusion to to morrow morning i let out that being obliged to exert myself now i got up at five o clock whether had any idea that i was a private i am unable to say but it made a great impression on her and she neither played nor sang any more it was still on her mind when i bade her adieu and she said to me in her pretty way as if i were a doll i used to think now don t get up at five o clock you naughty boy it s so my love said i i have work to do but don t do it returned why should you it was impossible to say to that sweet little surprised face otherwise than lightly and that we must work to live oh how ridiculous cried how shall we live without said i how any how said she seemed to think she had quite settled the question and gave me such a triumphant little kiss direct from her innocent heart that i would hardly have put her out of conceit with her answer for a fortune well i loved her and i went on loving her most and completely but going on too working pretty hard and keeping red hot all the irons i now had in the fire i would sit sometimes of a night opposite my aunt thinking how i had frightened that time and how i could best make my way with a case through the forest of difficulty until i used to fancy that my head was turning quite grey p i i of david s a dissolution of i did not allow my resolution with respect to the to cool it was one of the irons i began to heat immediately and one of the irons i kept hot and at with a perseverance i may honestly admire i bought an approved scheme of the noble art and mystery of which cost me ten and sixpence and plunged into a sea of perplexity that brought me in a few weeks to the of distraction the changes that were rung upon which in such a position meant such a thing and in such another position something else entirely different the wonderful that were played by circles the unaccountable consequences that resulted from marks like flies legs the tremendous effects of a curve in a wrong place not only troubled my waking hours but reappeared before me in my sleep when i had my way blindly through these and had mastered the which was an egyptian temple in itself there then appeared a procession of new horrors called characters the most characters i have ever known who insisted for instance that a thing like the beginning of a meant expectation and that a pen and ink sky stood for when i had fixed these wretches in my mind i found that they had driven everything else out of it then beginning again i forgot them while i was picking them up i dropped the other fragments of the system in short it was almost heart breaking it might have been quite heart breaking but for who was the stay and anchor of my tempest driven bark every scratch in the scheme was a oak in the forest of difficulty and i went on cutting them down one after another with such vigour that in three or four months i was in a condition to make an experiment on one of our crack in the shall i ever forget how the crack speaker walked off from me before i began and left my pencil staggering about the paper as if it were in a fit this would not do it was quite clear i was flying too high and should never
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get on so i resorted to for ad who suggested that he should dictate speeches to me at a pace and with occasional adapted to my weakness very grateful for this friendly aid i accepted the proposal and night after night almost every night for a long time we had a sort of private parliament in street after i came home from the doctor s i should like to see such a parliament anywhere else my aunt and mr dick represented the government or the opposition as the case might be and with the assistance of s speaker or a volume of thundered astonishing against them standing by the table t ith his finger in the page to keep the place c c the personal and experience and his arm above his head as mr mr mr lord or mr would work himself into the most violent and deliver the most withering of the and corruption of my aunt and ir dick while i used to sit at a little distance with my note book on my knee after him with all my might and main the and of were not to be exceeded by any real he was for any description of policy in the compass of a week and nailed all sorts of colours to every of mast my aunt looking very like an of the would occasionally throw in an interruption or two as hear l or no or oh when the text seemed to require it which was always a signal to mr dick a perfect country gentleman to follow with the same cry but mr dick got with such things in the course of his career and was made responsible for such awful consequences that he became uncomfortable in his mind sometimes i believe he actually began to be afraid he really had been doing something tending to the of the british constitution and the ruin of the country often and often we pursued these until the clock pointed to midnight and the candles were burning down the result of so much good practice was that by and by began to keep pace with pretty well and should have been quite triumphant if i had had the least idea what my notes were about but as to reading them after i had got them i might as well have copied the chinese on an immense collection of tea or the golden characters on all the great red and green bottles in the shops there was nothing for it but to turn back and begin all over again it was very hard but i turned back though with a heavy heart and began laboriously and to over the same tedious ground at a s pace stopping to examine every speck in the way on all sides and making the most desperate efforts to know these characters by sight wherever i met them i was always punctual at the office at the doctor s too and i really did work as the common expression is like a cart horse one day when i went to the as usual i found mr in the doorway looking extremely grave and talking to himself as he was in the habit of complaining of pains in his head he had naturally a short throat and i do seriously believe he himself i was at first alarmed by the idea that he was not quite right in that direction but he soon my uneasiness instead of returning my good morning with his usual he looked at me in a distant manner and coldly requested me to accompany him to a certain coffee house which in those days had a door opening into the just within the little in st paul s churchyard i complied in a very uncomfortable state and with a warm shooting all over me as if my apprehensions were out into when i allowed him to go on a little before on account of the of the way i observed that he carried his head with a lofty air that was particularly and my mind me that he had found out about my darling op david if i had not guessed this on the way to the coffee house i could hardly have failed to know what was the matter when i followed him into an up stairs room and found miss there supported by a background of on which were several and two of those extraordinary boxes all corners and for sticking knives and forks in which happily for mankind are now miss gave me her chilly finger nails and sat severely rigid mr shut the door me to a chair and stood on the hearth rug in front of the fireplace have the goodness to show mr said mr what you have in your miss i believe it was the old identical steel clasped of my childhood that shut up like a bite her lips in sympathy with the snap miss opened it opening her mouth a little at the same time and produced my last letter to with expressions of devoted affection i believe that is your writing mr said mr i was very hot and the voice i heard was very unlike mine when i said it is sir if i am not mistaken said mr as miss brought a parcel of letters out of her tied round with the dearest bit of blue ribbon those ai e also from your pen mr i took them from her with a most desolate sensation and glancing at such phrases at the top as my ever dearest and own my best beloved angel my blessed one for ever and the like blushed deeply and inclined my head no thank you said mr coldly as i mechanically offered them back to him i will not deprive you of them miss be so good as to proceed that gentle creature after a moment s thoughtful
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survey of the carpet delivered herself with much dry as follows i must confess to having entertained my suspicions of miss in reference to david for some time i observed miss and david when they first met and the impression made upon me then was not agreeable the of the human heart is such you will oblige me ma am interrupted ir by yourself to facts miss cast down her eyes shook her head as if protesting against this interruption and with frowning dignity resumed since i am to confine myself to facts i will state them as as i can perhaps that will be considered an acceptable course of proceeding i have already said sir that i have had my suspicions of miss in reference to david for some time i have frequently endeavoured to find decisive of those suspicions but without effect i have therefore to mention them to miss s father looking severely at him knowing how little disposition there usually is in such cases to acknowledge the conscientious discharge of duty ir seemed quite by the gentlemanly of miss c c the personal history and experience s manner and her severity with a little wave of his hand on my return to after the period of absence occasioned by my brother s marriage pursued miss in a voice and on the return of miss from her visit to her friend miss mills i imagined that the manner of miss gave me greater occasion for suspicion than before therefore i watched miss closely dear tender little so unconscious of this s eye still resumed miss i found no proof until last night it appeared to me that miss received too many letters from her friend miss but miss mills being her friend with her father s full another telling blow at mr it was not for me to interfere if i may not be permitted to allude to the natural of the human heart at least i may i must be permitted so far to refer to confidence mr murmured his assent last evening after tea pursued miss i observed the little dog starting rolling and growling about the drawing room worrying something i said to miss what is that the dog has in his mouth it s paper miss immediately put her hand to her frock gave a sudden cry and ran to the dog i interposed and said my love you must permit me oh miserable this wretchedness then was your work miss endeavoured said miss to bribe me with kisses work boxes and small articles of that of course i pass over the little dog retreated under the sofa on my approaching him and was with great by the fire irons even when he still kept the letter in his mouth and on my endeavouring to take it from him at the imminent risk of being bitten he kept it between his teeth so as to suffer himself to be held suspended in the air by means of the document at length i obtained possession of it after it i miss with having many such letters in her possession and ultimately obtained from her the packet which is now in david s hand here she ceased and snapping her again and shutting her mouth looked as if she might be broken but could never be bent you have heard miss said mr turning to me i beg to ask mr if you have anything to say in reply the picture i had before me of the beautiful little treasure of my heart sobbing and crying all night of her being alone frightened and wretched then of her having so begged and prayed that woman to forgive her of her having vainly offered her those kisses work boxes and of her being in such grievous distress and all for me very much the httle dignity i had been able to muster i am afraid i was in a tremulous state for a minute or so though i did my best to disguise it there is nothing i can say i ned except that all the blame is mine miss if you please said her father f of david was induced and persuaded by me i went on that colder to consent to this concealment and i bitterly regret it you are very much to blame sir said mr walking to and fro upon the hearth rug and what he said with his whole body instead of his head on account of the of his and you have done a stealthy and action mi when i take a gentleman to my house no matter whether he is nineteen twenty nine or ninety i take him there in a spirit of confidence if he my confidence he a action mr i feel it sir i assure you i returned but i never thought so before sincerely honestly indeed mr i never thought so before i love miss to that extent nonsense said mr pray don t tell me to my face that you love my daughter mr could i defend my conduct if i did not sir i returned with all humility can you defend your conduct if you do sir said mr stopping short upon the hearth rug have you considered your years and my daughter s years mr have you considered what it is to the confidence that should between my daughter and myself have you considered my daughter s station in life the projects i may contemplate for her advancement the intentions i may have with reference to her have you considered anything mr field yery little sir i am afraid i answered speaking to him as respectfully and sorrowfully as i felt but pray believe me i have considered my own worldly position when i explained it to you we were already engaged i beg said mr more like punch than
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i had ever seen him as he struck one hand upon the other i could not help noticing that even in my despair that you will not talk to me of engagements mr the otherwise miss stone laughed contemptuously in one short syllable when i explained my altered position to you sir i began again a new form of expression for what was so to him this concealment into which i am so unhappy as to have led miss had begun since i have been in that altered position i have strained every nerve i have exerted every energy to improve it i am sure i shall improve it in time will you grant me time any length of time we are both so young sir you are right interrupted mr nodding his head a great many times and frowning very much you are both very young it s all nonsense let there be an end of the nonsense take away those letters and throw them in the fire give me miss s letters to throw in the fire and although our future intercourse must you are aware be to the here we will agree to make no further mention of the past come mr you don t want sense and this is the sensible course the personal and experience ko i couldn t think of agreeing to it i was very sorry but there was a higher consideration than sense love was above all earthly considerations and i loved to and loved me i didn t exactly say so i softened it down as much as i could but i implied it and i was resolute upon it i don t think i made myself very ridiculous but i know i was resolute very well mr said mr i must try my influence with my daughter miss by an expressive sound a long drawn which was neither a sigh nor a moan but was like both gave it as her opinion that he should have done this at first i must try said mr confirmed by this support my influence with my daughter do you decline to take those letters mr for i had laid them on the table yes i told him i hoped he would not think it wrong but i couldn t possibly take them from miss nor from me said mr no i replied with the respect nor from him very well said mr a silence succeeding i was whether to go or stay at length i was moving quietly towards the door with the intention of saying that perhaps i should consult his feelings best by withdrawing when he said with his hands in his coat pockets into which it was as much as he could do to get them and with what i should call upon the whole a decidedly pious air you are probably aware mr that i am not altogether destitute of worldly possessions and that my daughter is my nearest and dearest relative i hurriedly made him a reply to the effect that i hoped the error into which i had been betrayed by the desperate nature of my love did not induce him to think me too i don t allude to the matter in that light said mr it would be better for yourself and all of us if you were mr i mean if you were more discreet and less influenced by all this youthful nonsense no i merely say with quite another view you are probably aware i have some property to to my child i certainly supposed so and you can hardly think said having experience of what we see in the here every day of the various unaccountable and proceedings of men in respect of their arrangements of all subjects the one on which perhaps the strangest revelations of human are to be met with but that mine are made i inclined my head in acquiescence i should not allow said mr with an evident increase of pious sentiment and slowly shaking his head as he poised himself upon his toes and heels alternately my suitable provision for my child to be influenced by a piece of youthful folly like the present it is mere folly mere nonsense in a little while it will weigh lighter than any feather but i might i might if this silly business were not completely i of david altogether be induced in some anxious moment to guard her from and surround her with against the consequences of any foolish step in the way of marriage now mr i hope that you will not render it necessary for me to open even for a quarter of an hour that closed page in the book of life and even for a quarter of an hour grave s long since composed there was a serenity a tranquillity a calm sunset air about him which quite affected me he was so peaceful and resigned clearly had his affairs in such perfect train and so wound up that he was a man to feel touched in the contemplation of i really think i saw tears rise to his eyes from the depth of his own feeling of all this but what could i do i could not deny and my own heart when he told me i had better take a week to consider of what he had said how could i say i wouldn t take a week yet how could i fail to know that no amount of weeks could influence such love as mine in the meantime confer with or with any person with any knowledge of life said mr his with both hands take a week mr i submitted and with a countenance as expressive as i was able to make it of dejected and despairing constancy came out of the room miss s heavy eyebrows followed me to
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the door i say her eyebrows rather than her eyes because they were much more important in her face and she looked so exactly as she used to look at about that hour of the morning in our parlour at that i could have fancied i had been breaking down in my lessons again and that the dead weight on my mind was that horrible old book with oval shaped to my youthful fancy like the glasses out of spectacles when i got to the office and shutting out old and the rest of them with my hands sat at my desk in my own particular nook thinking of this earthquake that had taken place so unexpectedly and in the bitterness of my spirit cursing i fell into such a state of torment about that i wonder i did not take up my hat and rush to the idea of their her and making her cry and of my not being there to comfort her was so that it impelled me to write a wild letter to mr him not to visit upon her the consequences of my awful destiny i implored him to spare her gentle nature not to crush a fragile flower and addressed him generally to the best of my remembrance as if instead of being her father he had been an or the of this letter i sealed and laid upon his desk before he returned and when he came in i saw him through the half opened door of his room take it up and read it he said nothing about it all the morning but before he went away in the afternoon he called me in and told me that i need not make myself at all uneasy about his daughter s happiness he had assured her he said that it was all nonsense and he had nothing more to say to her he believed he was an indulgent father as indeed he was and i might spare myself any solicitude on her account you may make it necessary if you are foolish or obstinate mr he observed for me to send my daughter abroad again for a term but i have a better opinion of you i hope you will be wiser the personal history and experience tliat in a few days as to miss for i had alluded to her in the letter i respect that lady s vigilance and feel obliged to her but she has strict charge to avoid the subject all i desire mr is that it should be forgotten all you have got to do mr is to forget it all in the note i wrote to i mills i bitterly quoted this sentiment all i had to do i said with gloomy sarcasm was to forget that was all and what was that i entreated miss mills to see me that evening if it could not be done with mr mills s sanction and i a interview in the back kitchen where the was i informed her that my reason was tottering on its throne and only she miss mills could prevent its being i signed myself hers and i couldn t help feeling when i read this composition over before sending it by a porter that it was something in the style of mr however i sent it at night i repaired to miss mills s street and walked and down until i was stealthily fetched in by miss mills s maid and taken the area way to the back kitchen i have since seen reason to believe that there was nothing on earth to prevent my going in at the front door and being shown up into the drawing room except miss mills s love of the romantic and mysterious in the back kitchen i as became me i went there i suppose to make a fool of myself and i am quite sure i did it miss mills had received a hasty note from telling her that all was discovered and saying oh pray come to me do do but miss mills the of her presence to the higher powers had not yet gone and we were all in the desert of mills had a wonderful flow of words and liked to pour them out i could not help feeling though she mingled her tears with mine that she had a dreadful luxury in our she them as i may say and made the most of them a deep gulf she observed had opened between and me and love could only span it with its rainbow love must suffer in this stern world it ever had been so it ever would be so no matter miss mills remarked hearts confined by burst at last and then love was this was small consolation but miss mills wouldn t encourage hopes she made me much more wretched than i was before and i felt and told her with the deepest gratitude that she was indeed a friend we resolved that she should go to the first thing in the morning and find some means of assuring her either by looks or words of my devotion and misery we parted overwhelmed with grief and i think miss mills enjoyed herself completely i confided all to my aunt when i got home and in spite of all she could say to me went to bed despairing i got up despairing and went out despairing it was saturday morning and i went straight to the i was surprised when i came within sight of our office door to see the ticket standing outside talking together and some half dozen gazing at the windows which were shut up i quickened my pace and passing among them wondering at their looks went hurriedly in of david the clerks were there but nobody was doing anything old for the first time in his life i should think was
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he had made no will oh i know he had said i they both stopped and looked at me on the very day when i last saw him said i he told me that he had and that his affairs were long since settled mr and old shook their heads with one accord that looks said very said mr you don t doubt i began my good mi said laying his hand upon my arm of david and shutting up both his eyes as he shook his head if you had been in the as long as i have you would know that there is no subject on which men are so inconsistent and so little to be trusted why bless my soul he made that very remark i replied persistently i should call that almost final observed my opinion is no will it appeared a wonderful thing to me but it turned out that there was no will he had never so much as thought of making one so far as his papers afforded any evidence for there was no kind of hint sketch or of any intention whatever what was scarcely less astonishing to me was that his s were in a most disordered state it was extremely difficult i heard to make out what he owed or what he had paid or of what he died possessed it was considered likely that for years he could have had no clear opinion on these subjects himself by little and little it came out that in the competition on all points of appearance and then running high in the he had silent more than his professional income which was not a very large one and had reduced his private means if they ever had been great which was exceedingly doubtful to a very low ebb indeed there was a sale of the furniture and lease at and told me little thinking how interested i was in the story that paying all the just debts of the deceased and his share of bad and doubtful debts due to the firm he wouldn t give a thousand pounds for all the remaining this was at the of about six weeks i had suffered au the time and thought i really must have laid violent hands upon myself when miss mills still reported to me that my broken hearted little would say nothing when i was mentioned but oh poor papa oh dear papa also that she had no other relations than two maiden sisters of mr who lived at and who had not held any other than chance communication with their brother for many years not that they had ever quarrelled miss mills informed me but that having been on the occasion of s invited to tea when they considered themselves privileged to be invited to dinner they had expressed their opinion in writing that it was better for the happiness of all parties that they should stay away since which they had gone their road and their brother had gone his these two ladies now emerged from their retirement and proposed to take to live at clinging to them both and weeping exclaimed o yes please take mills and me and to so they went very soon after the funeral how i found time to haunt i am sure i don t know but i contrived by some means or other to about the neighbourhood pretty often miss mills for the more exact discharge of the duties of friendship kept a journal and she used to meet me sometimes on the common and read it or if she had not time to do that lend it to me how i ed up the of which i a monday my sweet d still much depressed headache called attention to j as being beautifully sleek d j associations thus awakened opened of sorrow of grief admitted are tears the of the heart j m the personal history and experience tuesday d weak and nervous beautiful in do we not remark this in moon likewise j m d j m and j took in carriage j out of window and barking violently at occasioned smile to features of d of such slight links is chain of life composed j m wednesday d comparatively cheerful sang to her as congenial melody evening bells effect not soothing but reverse d affected sobbing afterwards in own room quoted verses respecting self and young also referred to patience on monument q y why on monument j m thursday d certainly improved better night slight tinge of cheek resolved to mention name of d c introduced same cautiously in course of d immediately overcome oh dear dear oh i have been a naughty and child soothed and drew ideal picture of d c on verge of tomb d again overcome oh what i do what shall i do oh take me somewhere much alarmed of d and glass of water from public house poetical sign on door post human life alas j m friday day of incident man appears in kitchen with blue bag for lady s boots left out to heel cook replies no such orders man point cook to inquire leaving man alone with j on cook s return man still point but ultimately goes j missing d distracted information sent to police man to be identified by broad nose and legs like of bridge search made in every direction no j d weeping bitterly and wed reference to young appropriate but towards evening strange boy calls brought into parlour broad nose but no says he wants a pound and knows a dog to explain further though much pressed pound being produced by d takes cook to little house where j alone tied up to leg of table joy of d who dances round j while he eats his supper by this happy change mention d c upstairs d afresh cries oh don t
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don t don t it is so wicked to think of anything but poor papa embraces j and sobs herself to sleep must not d c confide himself to the broad of time j m miss mills and her journal were my sole consolation at this period to see her who had seen but a little while before to trace the letter of s name through her sympathetic pages to be made more and more miserable by her were my only comforts i felt as if i had been living in a palace of cards which had tumbled down leaving only miss mills and me among the ruins as if some grim had drawn a magic circle round the innocent goddess of my heart which nothing indeed but those same strong capable of carrying so many people over so much would enable me to enter of david and my aunt beginning i imagine to be made seriously uncomfortable by my prolonged made a pretence of being anxious that i should go to to see that all was working well at the cottage which was let and to conclude an agreement with the same tenant for a longer term of occupation was into the service of mrs strong where i saw her every day she had been on leaving whether or no to give the finishing touch to that of mankind in which she had been educated by marrying a pilot but she decided against that venture not so much for the sake of principle i believe as because she happened not to like him although it required an effort to leave miss mills i fell rather willingly into my aunt s pretence as a means of me to pass a few tranquil hours with i consulted the good doctor relative to an absence of three days and the doctor wishing me to take that he wished me to take more but my energy could not bear that i made up my mind to go as to the i had no great occasion to be particular about my duties in that quarter to say the truth we were getting in no very good among the tip top and were rapidly sliding down to but a doubtful position the business had been indifferent under l before s time and although it had been quickened by the of new blood and by the display which mr made still it was not established on a sufficiently strong basis to bear without being shaken such a blow as the sudden loss of its active manager it fell off very much mr notwithstanding his reputation in the firm w as an easy going incapable sort of man whose reputation out of doors was not calculated to back it up i was turned over to him now and when i saw him take his snuff and let the business go i regretted my aunt s thousand pounds more than ever but this was not the worst of it there were a number of han ers on and about the who without being themselves in common form business and got it done by real who lent their names in consideration of a share in the spoil and there were a good many of these too as our house now wanted business on any terms we joined this noble band and threw out to the on and to bring their business to us marriage and small were what we all looked for and what paid us best and the competition for these ran very high indeed and were planted in all the avenues of entrance to the with instructions to do their utmost to cut off all persons in mourning and all gentlemen with anything in their appearance and them to the personal and experience the offices in their respective were interested which instructions were so well observed that i myself before i was known by sight was twice into the premises of our principal opponent the conflicting interests of these gentlemen being of a nature to their feelings personal took place and the was even by our principal who had formerly been in the wine trade and afterwards in the sworn line walking about for some days with a black eye any one of these used to think nothing of politely assisting an old lady in black out of a killing any whom she inquired for representing his employer as the lawful successor and representative of that and bearing the old lady off sometimes greatly affected to his employer s office many were brought to me in this way as to marriage the competition rose to such a pitch that a shy gentleman in want of one had nothing to do but submit to the first or be fought for and become the prey of the strongest one of our clerks who was an used in the height of this contest to sit with his hat on that he might be ready to rush out and swear before a any victim who was brought in the system of continues i believe to this day the last time i was in the a ci able person in a white apron out upon me from a doorway and whispering the word in my ear was with great difficulty prevented from taking me up in his arms and lifting me into a s from this let me proceed to i found ever thing in a satisfactory state at the cottage and was enabled to gratify my aunt exceedingly by that the tenant inherited her and incessant war against having settled the little business i had to there and slept there one night i walked on to early in the morning it was now winter again and the fresh cold windy day and the sweeping brightened up my hopes a little coming into i through the old streets with a sober pleasure that my spirits
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and my heart there were the old signs the old names over the shops the old people serving in them it appeared so long since i had been a there that i wondered the place was so little changed until i reflected how little i was changed myself strange to say that quiet influence which was inseparable in my mind from seemed to even the city where she dwelt the venerable cathedral towers and the old and whose airy voices made them more retired than perfect silence would have done the battered once stuck full with statues long thrown down and away like the who had gazed upon them the still where the growth of centuries crept over ends and ruined walls the ancient houses the pastoral landscape of field orchard and garden everywhere on everything i felt the same air the same calm thoughtful softening spirit ai at ir s house i found in the little lower room on the ground floor where had been of old accustomed to sit mr his pen with great he was dressed in a legal looking suit of black and loomed and large in that small office of david mr was extremely glad to see me but a little confused too he would have conducted me immediately into the presence of but i declined i know the house of old you recollect said i and will find my way up stairs how do you like the law mr my dear he replied to a man possessed of the higher imaginative powers the objection to legal studies is the amount of detail which they involve even in our professional correspondence said mr glancing at some letters he was writing the mind is not at liberty to to any exalted form of expression still it is a great pursuit a great pursuit he then told me that he had become the tenant of s old house and that mrs would be delighted to receive me once more under her own roof it is humble said mr to quote a favourite expression of my friend but it may prove the stepping stone to more ambitious accommodation i asked him whether he had reason so far to be satisfied with his friend s treatment of him he got up to ascertain if the door were close shut before he replied in a lower voice my dear a man who labours under the pressure of pecuniary is with the of people at a disadvantage that disadvantage is not diminished when that pressure the drawing of before those are strictly due and all i can say is that my friend has responded to appeals to which i need not more particularly refer in a manner calculated to equally to the honour of his head and of his heart i should not have supposed him to be very free with his money either i observed pardon me said mr with an air of i speak of my friend as i have experience i am glad your experience is so favourable i returned you are very obliging my dear said mr and a tune do you see much of mr i asked to change the subject not much said mr mr is i dare say a man of very excellent intentions but he is in short he is i am afraid his partner seeks to make him so said i my dear returned mr after some uneasy on his stool allow me to offer a remark i am here in a capacity of confidence i am here in a position of trust the discussion of some topics even with mrs herself so long the partner of my various and a woman of a remarkable of intellect is i am led to consider with the functions now on me i would therefore take the liberty of suggesting that in our friendly intercourse which i trust will never be disturbed we draw a line on one side of this line said mr representing it on the desk with the office ruler is the whole range of the human the personal history and experience intellect with a trifling exception on the other is that exception that is to say the affairs of messrs and with all belonging and i trust i give no offence to the companion of my youth in this proposition to his cooler judgment though i saw an uneasy change in mr which sat tightly on him as if his new duties were a i felt i had no right to be offended my telling him so appeared to relieve him and he shook hands with me i am charmed said mr let me assure you with miss she is a very superior young lady of very remarkable attractions graces and virtues upon my honour said mr kissing his hand and bowing with his air i do homage to miss hem i am glad of that at least said i if you had not assured us my dear on the occasion of that agreeable afternoon we had the happiness of passing with you that d was your letter said mr i should unquestionably have supposed that a had been so we have all some experience of a feeling that comes over us occasionally of what we are saying and doing having been said and done before in a remote time of our having been surrounded dim ages ago by the same faces objects and circumstances of our knowing perfectly what will be said next as if we suddenly remembered it i never had this mysterious impression more strongly in my life than before he uttered those words i took my leave of mr for the time charging him with my best to all at home as i left him his stool and his pen and rolling his head in his stock to get it into easier writing order i clearly perceived that there
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think so said i i am poorly qualified to judge of such matters replied with a modest hesitation but i certainly feel in short i feel that your being secret and is not being like yourself like myself in the too high opinion you have of me i am afraid said i like yourself in the of your nature she returned and therefore i would write to those two ladies i would relate as plainly and as openly as possible all that has taken place and i would ask their permission to visit sometimes at their house considering that you are young and striving for a place in life i think it would be well to say that you would readily abide by any conditions they might impose upon you i would entreat them not to dismiss your request without a reference to and to discuss it with her when they should think the time suitable i would not be too vehement said gently or propose too much i would trust to my fidelity and perseverance and to but if they were to frighten again by speaking to her said i and if were to cry and say nothing about me is that likely inquired with the same sweet consideration in her lace god bless her she is as easily scared as a bird said i it might be or if the two miss elderly ladies of that sort are odd characters sometimes should not be likely persons to address in that way i don t think returned raising her soft es to mine i would consider that perhaps it would be better only to consider whether it is right to do this and if it is to do it i had no longer any doubt on the subject with a lightened heart though with a profound sense of the importance of my task i i of david devoted the whole afternoon to the composition of the of this letter for which great purpose her desk to me but first i went down stairs to see and i found in possession of a new plaster smelling office built out in the garden looking mean in the midst of a quantity of books and papers he received me in his usual way and pretended not to have heard of my arrival from mr a pretence i took the liberty of he accompanied me into ir s room which was the shadow of its former self having been of a variety of for the accommodation of the new partner and stood before the fire warming his back and his chin with his bony hand while mr and i exchanged greetings you stay with us while you remain in said mr not without a glance at for his approval is there room for me said i i am sure master i should say but the other comes so natural said i would turn out of your old room with pleasure if it would be agreeable no no said mr why should you be there s another room there s another room oh but you know returned with a grin i should really be delighted to cut the matter short i said t would have the other room or none at all so it was settled that i should have the other room and taking my leave of the firm until dinner i went up stairs again i had hoped to have no other companion than but mrs had asked permission to bring herself and her knitting near the fire in that room on pretence of its having an aspect more favourable for her as the wind then was than the drawing room or dining parlour though i could almost have consigned her to the of the wind on the of the cathedral without remorse i made a virtue of necessity and gave her a friendly salutation i m thankful to you sir said mrs in acknowledgment of my inquiries concerning her health but i m only pretty well i haven t much to boast of if i could see my well settled in life i couldn t expect much more i think how do you think my looking sir i thought him looking as as ever and i replied that i saw no change in him oh don t you think he s changed said there i must beg leave to er from you don t you see a in him more than usual i replied you though said mrs but you don t take notice of him with a mother s eye his mother s eye was an evil eye to the rest of the world i thought as it met mine to him and i believe she and her son were devoted to one another it passed me and went on to don t you see a wasting and a wearing in him inquired mrs d d the personal history and experience no said quietly pursuing the work on which she was engaged tou are too about him he is very well mrs with a prodigious resumed her knitting she never left off or left us for a moment i had arrived early in the day and we had still three or four hours before dinner but she sat there her knitting needles as as an hour glass might have poured out its sands she sat on one side of the fire i sat at the desk in front of it a little beyond me on the other side sat slowly pondering over my letter i lifted up my eyes and meeting the thoughtful face of saw it clear and beam encouragement upon me with its own expression i was conscious presently of the evil eye passing me and going on to her and coming back to me again and dropping upon the knitting what the knitting was i don t know not being learned
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in that art but it looked like a net and as she worked away with those chinese of knitting needles she showed in the like an ill looking as yet by the radiant goodness opposite but getting ready for a cast of her net by and by at dinner she maintained her watch with the same eyes after dinner her son took his turn and when mr himself and i were left alone together at me and until i could hardly bear it in the drawing room there was the mother knitting and watching again all the time that sang and played the mother sat at the piano once she asked for a particular ballad which she said her who was yawning in a great chair on and at intervals she looked round at him and reported to that he was in with the music but she hardly ever spoke i question if she ever did without making some mention of him it was evident to me that this was the duty assigned to her this lasted until to have seen the mother and son like two great hanging over the whole house and darkening it with their ugly forms made me so uncomfortable that i would rather have remained down stairs knitting and all than gone to bed i hardly got any sleep next day the knitting and watching began again and lasted all day m had not an opportunity of speaking to for ten minutes i could barely show her my letter i proposed to her to walk out with me but mrs repeatedly complaining that she was worse remained within to bear her company towards the twilight i went out by myself musing on what i ought to do and whether i was justified in from any longer what had told me in london for that began to trouble me again very much i had not walked out far enough to be quite clear of the town upon the road where there was a good path when i was hailed through the dusk by somebody behind me the figure and the scanty great coat were not to be mistaken i stopped and came up weu said i how fast you walk said he my legs are pretty long but you ve given em quite a job where are you going said i i am coming with you master if you allow me the of david pleasure of a walk with an old acquaintance saying this with a jerk of his body which might have been either or he fell into step beside me said i as as i could after a silence master said to tell you the truth at which you will not be offended i came out to walk alone because i have had so much company he looked at me sideways and said with his hardest grin you mean mother why yes i do said i ah but you know we re so very he returned and having such a knowledge of our own we must really take care that we re not pushed to the wall by them as isn t all are fair in love sir his great hands until they touched his chin he rubbed them softly and softly chuckled looking as like a i thought as anything human could look you see he said still himself in that unpleasant way and shaking his head at me you re quite a dangerous rival master you always was you know do you set a watch upon miss and make her home no home because of me said i oh master those are very words he replied put my meaning into any words you like said i you know what it is as well as i do oh no you must put it into words he said oh really i couldn t myself do you suppose said i myself to be very temperate and quiet with him on account of that i regard otherwise than as a very dear sister well master he replied you perceive i am not bound to answer that question you may not you know but then you see you may anything to equal the low cunning of his and of his eyes without the ghost of an i never saw come then said i for the sake of miss my he exclaimed with a sickly of himself would you be so good as call her master for the sake of heaven bless her thank you for that blessing master he interposed i tell you what i should under any other circumstances as soon have thought of telling to jack to who sir said stretching out his neck and his car with his hand to the i returned the most unlikely person i could think of though his own face had suggested the allusion quite as a natural i am engaged to another young lady i hope that contents you upon your soul said i was about indignantly to give my assertion the confirmation he required when he caught hold of my hand and gave it a squeeze the personal history and experience oh master lie said if you had only had the condescension to return my confidence when i poured out the fulness of my art the night i put you so much out of the way by sleeping before your sitting room fire i never should have doubted you as it is i m sure i take off mother directly and only too i know you excuse the precautions of affection won t you what a pity master that you didn t condescend to return my confidence i m sure i gave you every opportunity but you never have condescended to me as much as i could have wished i know you have never liked me as i have liked you all this time he was my hand with his damp fingers
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her father s gi ey head could have borne i think could have been more terrible to me than the mental endurance i saw compressed now within both his hands said either not regarding him or not knowing what the nature of his action was is i am safe to say the of her sex may i speak out among friends to be her father is a proud distinction but to be her spare me from ever again hearing such a cry as that with which her father rose up from the table what s the matter said turning of a deadly colour you are not gone mad after all mr i hope if i say i ve an ambition to make your my i have as good a right to it as another man i have a better right to it than any other man i had my arms round mr imploring him by everything that i could think of of all by his love for to calm himself a little he was mad for the moment tearing out his hair beating his head trying to force me from him and to force himself from me not answering a word not looking at or seeing any one blindly striving for he knew not what his face all staring and distorted a frightful spectacle i him but in the most impassioned manner not to abandon himself to this but to hear me i him to think of to connect me with to recollect how and i had grown up together how i honored her and loved her how she was his pride and joy i tried to bring her idea before him in any form i even reproached him with not having firmness to spare her the knowledge of such a scene as this i may have something or his may have spent itself but by degrees he struggled less and began to look at me strangely at first then with recognition in his eyes at length he said i know my darling and you i know but look at liim he pointed to pale and in a corner evidently very much out in his calculations and taken by surprise look at my he replied before him i have step by step abandoned name and reputation peace and quiet house and home i have kept your name and reputation for you and your peace and quiet and your house and home too said with a sulky hurried defeated air of compromise don t be foolish mr if i have gone a little beyond what you were prepared for i can go back i suppose there s no harm done i looked for single motives in every one said mr and i was satisfied i had bound him to me by motives of interest but see what he is oh see what he is you had better stop him if you can cried with his long fore finger pointing towards me he say something presently mind you he ll be sorry to have said afterwards and you be sorry to have heard i say anything cried mr with a desperate air why should i not be in all the world s power if i am in s i of david mind i tell you said continuing to warn me if you don t stop his mouth you re not his friend why shouldn t you be in all the world s power mr because you have got a daughter you and me know what we know don t we let sleeping dogs lie who wants to rouse em i don t can t you see i am as as i can be i tell you if i ve gone too far i m sorry what would you have sir oh exclaimed mr wringing his hands what i have come down to be since i first saw you in this house i was on my downward way then but the dreary dreary road i have traversed since weak indulgence has ruined me indulgence in remembrance and indulgence in forgetfulness my natural grief for my child s mother turned to disease my natural love for my child turned to disease i have everything i touched i have brought misery on what i dearly love i know you know i thought it possible that i could truly love one creature in the world and not love the rest i thought it possible that i could truly mourn for one creature gone out of the world and not have some part in the grief of all who mourned thus the lessons of my life have been i have on my own morbid coward heart and it has on me sordid in my grief sordid in my love sordid in my miserable escape from the darker side of both oh see the ruin i am and hate me me he dropped into a chair and weakly sobbed the excitement into which he had been roused was leaving him came out of his corner i don t know all i have done in my said ir putting out his hands as if to my condemnation me knows best meaning for he has always been at my elbow whispering me you see the that he is about my neck you find him in my house you find him in my business you heard him but a little time ago what need have i to say more you haven t need to say so much nor half so much nor anything at all observed half defiant and half you wouldn t have took it up so if it hadn t been for the wine you think better of it to morrow sir if i have said too much or more than i meant what of it i haven t stood by it the door opened and gliding in without
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a of colour in her face put her arm round his neck and steadily said papa you are not well come with me he laid his head upon her shoulder as if he were oppressed with heavy shame and went out with her her eyes met mine for but an instant yet i saw how much she knew of what had passed i didn t expect he d cut up so rough master said but it s nothing i be friends with him to morrow it s for his good m anxious for his good i gave him no answer and went upstairs into the quiet room where had so often sat beside me at my books nobody came near me until late at night i took up a book and tried to read i heard the strike twelve and was still reading without knowing what i read when touched me the personal history and experience you will be going early in the morning let us say good bye now she had been weeping but her face then was so calm and beautiful heaven bless you she said giving me her hand dearest i returned i see you ask me not to speak of to night but is there nothing to be done there is god to trust in she replied can do nothing j who come to you with my poor sorrows and make mine so much lighter she replied dear no dear i said it is for me who am so poor in all in which you are so rich goodness resolution all noble qualities to doubt or direct you but you know how much i love you and how much i owe you you will never sacrifice yourself to a mistaken sense of duty more agitated for a moment than i had ever seen her she took her hand from me and moved a step back say you have no such thought dear much more than sister think of the gift of such a heart as yours of such a love as yours oh long long afterwards i saw that face rise up before me with its momentary look not wondering not not oh long long afterwards i saw that look as it did now into the lovely smile with which she told me she had no fear for herself i need have none for her and parted from me by the name of brother and was gone it was dark in the morning when i got upon the coach at the inn door the day was just breaking when we were about to start and then as i sat thinking of her came struggling up the coach side through the mingled day and night s head said he in a whisper as he hung by the iron on the roof i thought you d be glad to hear before you went off that there are no squares broke between us i ve been into his room already and we ve made it all smooth why though i m i m useful to him you know and he understands his interest when he isn t in liquor what an agreeable man he is after all i obliged myself to say that i was glad he had made his apology oh to be sure said when a person s you know what s an apology so easy i say i suppose with a jerk you have sometimes plucked a before it was ripe master i suppose i have i replied i did that last night said but it yet it only wants attending to i can wait in his he got down again as the coachman got up anything i know he was eating something to keep the raw morning air out but he made motions with his mouth as if the were ripe already and he were his lips over it of david i chapter xl the we had a very serious conversation in street that night about the domestic i have detailed in the last chapter my aunt was deeply interested in them and walked up and down the room with her arms folded for more than two hours afterwards whenever she was particularly she always performed one of these and the amount of her might always be estimated by the duration of her walk on this occasion she was so much disturbed in mind as to find it necessary to open the bed room door and make a course for herself the full extent of the bed rooms from wall to wall and while mr dick and i sat quietly by the fire she kept passing in and out along this measured track at an pace with the regularity of a clock my aunt and i were left to ourselves by mr dick s going out to bed i sat down to write my letter to the two old ladies by that time she was tired of walking and sat by the fire with her dress tucked up as usual but instead of sitting in her usual manner holding her glass upon her knee she suffered it to stand neglected on the chimney piece and resting her left elbow on her right arm and her chin on her left hand looked thoughtfully at me as often as i raised my eyes from what i was about i met hers i am in the of my dear she would assure me with a nod but i am and sorry i had been too busy to e until after she was gone to bed that she had left her night mixture as she always called it on the chimney piece she came to her door with even more than her usual affection of manner when i knocked to her with this discovery but only said i have not the heart to take it trot to night and shook her head
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keep it open i found out a english gentleman as was in said mr and told him i was a going to seek my niece he got me them papers as i wanted fur to carry me through i t rightly know how they re called and he would have give me money but that i was thankful to have no need on i thank him kind for all he done i m sure i ve wrote afore you he says to me and i shall speak to many as will come that way and many will know you fur distant from here when you re a travelling alone i told him best as i was able what my was and went away through alone and on foot said t mostly a foot he rejoined sometimes in carts along with people going to market sometimes in empty many mile a day a foot and often with some poor soldier or another travelling to see his friends i couldn t talk to him said mr nor he to me but we was company for one another too along the dusty roads i should have known that by his friendly tone when i come to any town he pursued i found the inn and waited about the yard till some one turned up some one mostly did as know d english then i told how that i was on my way to seek my niece and they told me what manner of was in the house and i waited to see any as seemed like her going in or out when it warn t em ly i went on by little and little when i come to a new village or that among the poor people i found they know d about me they would set me down at their cottage doors and give me what not fur to eat and drink and show me where to sleep and many a woman r as has had a daughter of about em ly s age i ve found a waiting for me at our s cross outside the village fur to do me sim lar some has had daughters as was dead and god only knows how good them mothers was to me it was at the door i saw her haggard listening face distinctly my dread was lest he should turn his head and see her too they would often put their children lar their little girls said mr upon my knee and many a time you might have seen the personal history and experience me sitting at their doors when night was coming on a most as if they d been my darling s children oh my darling overpowered by sudden grief he sobbed aloud i laid my trembling hand upon the hand he put before his face sir he said don t take no notice in a very little while he took his hand away and put it in his breast and went on with his they often walked with me he said in the morning maybe a mile or two upon my road and when we parted and i said i m very thankful to you god bless you they always seemed to understand and answered pleasant at last i come to the sea it warn t hard you may suppose for a man like me to work his way over to italy when i got i wandered on as i had done afore the people was just as good to me and i should have gone from town to town maybe the country through but that i got news of her being seen among them mountains yonder one as know d his servant see em there au three and told me how they travelled and where they was i made for them mountains r day and night ever so fur as i went ever so fur the mountains seemed to shift away from me but i come up with em and i crossed em when i got nigh the place as i had been told of i began to think within my own self what shall i do when i see her the listening face insensible to the night still drooped at the door and the hands begged me prayed me not to cast it forth i never doubted her said mr no not a bit on y let her see my face on y let her my voice on y let my still afore her bring to her thoughts the home she had fled away from and the child she had been and if she had to be a royal lady she d have fell down at my feet i know d it well many a time in my sleep had i her cry out uncle and seen her fall like death afore me many a time in my sleep had i raised her up and whispered to her em ly my dear i am come fur to bring forgiveness and to take you home he stopped and shook his head and went on with a sigh he was to me now em ly was all i bought a country dress to put upon her and i know d that once found she would walk beside me over them stony roads go where i would and never never leave me more to put that dress upon her and to cast off what she wore to take her on my arm again and wander towards home to stop sometimes upon the road and heal her bruised feet and her worse bruised heart was au that i of now i t believe i should have done so much as look at him but r it warn t to be not yet i was too late and they was gone i couldn t learn some said some said
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his mates and yet he s as gentle as any child there ain t a child in that t know him he gathered up the letters thoughtfully them with his hand put them into their little bundle and placed it tenderly in his breast again the face was gone from the door i still saw the snow drifting in but nothing else was there well he said looking to his bag having seen you to night r and that me good i shall away to morrow morning you have seen what i ve got putting his hand on where the little packet lay all that troubles me is to think that any harm might come to me afore that money was give back if i was to die and it was lost or stole or made away with and it was never by him but what i d took it i believe the t other wouldn t hold me i believe i must come back he rose and i rose too we grasped each other by the hand again before going out i d go ten thousand mile he said i d go till i dropped dead to lay that money down afore him if i do that and find my em ly i m content if i t find her maybe she come to hear sometime as her loving uncle only ended his search for her when he ended his life and if i know her even that will turn her home at last as we went out into the night i saw the lonely figure away before us i turned him hastily on some pretence and held him in conversation until it was gone he spoke of a traveller s house on the road where he knew he could find a clean plain lodging for the night i went with him over westminster bridge and parted from him on the shore everything seemed to my imagination to be hushed in reverence for him as he resumed his solitary journey through the snow i returned to the inn yard and impressed by my remembrance of the face looked awfully around for it it was not there the snow had covered our late my new track was the only one to be seen and even that began to die away it so fast as i looked back over my shoulder i i i of david chapter s at last an answer came from the two old ladies they presented their compliments to mr and informed him that they had given his letter their best consideration with a view to the happiness of both parties which i thought rather an alarming expression not only because of the use they had made of it in relation to the family difference but because i had and have all my life observed that conventional phrases are a sort of easily let off and liable to take a great variety of shapes and colors not at all suggested by their original form the added that they begged to forbear expressing through the medium of correspondence an opinion on the subject of mr s communication but that if mr would do them the favor to call upon a certain day accompanied if he thought proper by a confidential friend they would be happy to hold some conversation on the subject to this favor mr immediately replied with his respectful compliments that he would have the honor of waiting on the at the time appointed accompanied in accordance with their kind permission by his friend mr thomas of the inner temple having which mr fell into a condition of strong nervous agitation and so remained until the day arrived it was a great of my uneasiness to be at this crisis of the services of miss mills but mr mills who was always doing something or other to annoy me or i felt as if he were which was the same thing had brought his conduct to a climax by taking it into his head that he would go to india why should he go to india except to me to be sure he had nothing to do with any other part of the world and had a good deal to do with that part being in the india trade whatever that was i had floating dreams myself concerning golden and elephant s teeth having been at in his youth and now to go out there again in the capacity of resident partner but this was nothing to me however it was so much to him that for india he was bound and with him and went into the country to take leave of her relations and the house was put into a perfect suit of bills announcing that it was to be let or sold and that the furniture and all was to be taken at a so here was another earthquake of which i became the sport before i had recovered from the shock of its i i was in several minds how to dress myself on the important day being divided between my desire to appear to advantage and my apprehensions of putting on anything that might my severely practical character in the eyes of the i endeavoured to hit a happy medium between these two extremes my aunt approved the result e the personal and experience and mr dick threw one of his shoes after and me for luck as we went down stairs excellent fellow as i knew to be and warmly attached to him as i was i could not help wishing on that delicate occasion that he had never contracted the habit of brushing his hair so very upright it gave him a surprised look not to say a hearth kind of expression which my apprehensions whispered might be fatal to us i took the liberty of mentioning it to as we were walking
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to and saying that if he would smooth it down a little my dear said lifting off his hat and rubbing his hair all kinds of ways nothing would give me greater pleasure but it won t won t be smoothed down said i no said nothing wiu induce it if i was to carry a half hundred weight upon it all the way to it would be up again the moment the weight was taken off you have no idea what obstinate hair mine is i am quite a i was a httle disappointed i must confess but thoroughly charmed by his good nature too i told him how i esteemed his good nature and said that his hair must have taken all the obstinacy out of his character for lie had none oh returned laughing i assure you it s quite an old story my unfortunate hair my uncle s wife couldn t bear it she said it exasperated her it stood very much in my way too when i first fell in love with very much did she object to it he didn t rejoined but her eldest sister the one that s the beauty quite made game of it i understand in fact au the sisters laugh at it agreeable said i yes returned with perfect innocence it s a joke for us they pretend that has a lock of it in her desk and is obliged to shut it in a clasped book to keep it down we laugh about it by the bye my dear said i your experience may suggest something to me when you became engaged to the young lady whom you have just mentioned did you make a regular proposal to her family was there anything like what we are going through to day for instance i added nervously why replied on whose attentive face a thoughtful shade had stolen it was rather a painful transaction in my case you see being of so much use in the family none of them could endure the thought of her ever being married indeed they had quite settled among themselves that she never was to be married and they called her the old maid accordingly when i mentioned it with the greatest precaution to mrs the mamma said i the mamma said when i mentioned it with every possible precaution to mrs the effect upon her was such that she gave a scream and became insensible i couldn t approach the subject again for months of david you did at last said i well the did said he is an excellent man most in every way and he pointed out to her that ought as a christian to reconcile herself to the sacrifice especially as it was so uncertain and to bear no feeling towards me as to myself i give you my word i felt a perfect bird of prey towards the family the sisters took your part i hope why i can t say they did he returned when we had comparatively reconciled mrs to it we had to break it to you recollect my mentioning as the one that has something the matter with her perfectly she clenched both her hands said looking at me in dismay shut her eyes turned lead color became perfectly stiff and took nothing for two days but toast and water administered with a what a very unpleasant girl i remarked oh i beg your pardon said she is a very charming girl but she has a great deal of feeling in fact they all have told me afterwards that the self reproach she while she was in attendance upon no words could describe i know it must have been severe by my own feelings which were like a criminal s after was restored we still had to break it to the other eight and it produced various effects upon them of a most pathetic nature the two httle ones whom have only just left off de me at any rate they are all reconciled to it now i hope said i ye yes i should say they were on the whole resigned to it said the fact is we avoid mentioning the subject and my unsettled prospects and indifferent circumstances are a great consolation to them there will be a deplorable scene whenever we are married it will be much more like a funeral than a wedding and they all hate me for taking her away his honest face as he looked at me with a comic shake of his head me more in the remembrance than it did in the reality for i was by this time in a state of such excessive and wandering of mind as to be quite unable to fix my attention on on our approaching the house where the lived i was at such a in respect of my personal looks and presence of mind that proposed a gentle in the form of a glass of ale this having been administered at a neighbouring public house he conducted me with tottering steps to the s door i had a vague sensation of being as it were on view when the maid opened it and of wavering somehow across a hall with a weather glass in it into a quiet little drawing room on the ground floor commanding a neat garden also of sitting down here on a sofa and seeing s hair start up now his hat was removed like one of those little figures made of springs that fly out of snuff boxes when the lid is taken off also of hearing an old fashioned clock away on the e the personal history and experience and trying to make it keep time to the of my heart which it wouldn t also of looking round the room for any sign of and seeing none also of thinking
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we to object none i am sure we have ever been far from wishing to ourselves on any one but why not say so let our brother francis and his wife have their society let my sister and myself have our society we can find it for ourselves i hope the experience a this ed to be addressed to dies and me both and i made some sort of reply was i think i observed i that it was highly creditable to all concerned don t in the least know what i meant sister said miss having now relieved her mind you can go on my dear miss proceeded mr my sister and i have been very careful indeed in considering this letter and we have not considered it without finally showing it to our niece and discussing it with our niece we have no doubt that you think you like her very much think ma am i began oh j but miss giving me a look just like a sharp as that i would not interrupt the i begged pardon affection said miss glancing at her sister for which she gave in the form of a little nod to every mature affection homage devotion does not easily express itself its voice is it is modest and it lies in waits and waits such is the mature fruit sometimes a life away and finds it still in the shade of course i did not understand then that this was an allusion to her supposed experience of the stricken but i saw from the gravity with which miss nodded her head that great weight was attached to these words the light for i call them in comparison with such sentiments the inclinations of very young people pursued miss are dust compared to rocks it is owing to the difficulty of knowing whether they are likely to endure or have any real foundation that my sister and myself have been very how to act ir and mr said my friend finding himself looked at q i beg pardon of the inner temple i believe said miss again glancing at my letter said exactly so and became pretty red in the face now although i had not received any express encouragement as yet i fancied that i saw in the two little sisters and particularly in miss an enjoyment of this new and fruitful subject of domestic interest a settling down to make the most of it a disposition to pet it in which there was a good bright ray of hope i thought i perceived that miss would have uncommon satisfaction in two young lovers like and me and that miss would have hardly less satisfaction in seeing her us and in in with her own particular department of the subject whenever that impulse was strong upon her this gave me courage to protest most vehemently that i loved better than i could tell or any one believe that all my friends knew how i loved her that my aunt every one who knew me knew how i loved her and how earnest my love had made me for the truth of this i appealed to and firing up as if he were plunging into a debate really did come out nobly me in good op david j round terms and in a plain sensible practical manner that evidently made a favorable impression i speak if i may presume to say so as one has some little experience of such things said being myself engaged to a young lady one of ten down in and seeing no probability at present of our engagement coming to a termination you may be able to confirm what i have said observed miss evidently taking a new interest in him of the affection that is modest and retiring that waits and waits entirely ma am said looked at miss and shook her head gravely miss looked at miss and heaved a sigh sister said miss take my smelling bottle miss revived herself with a few of and i looking on with great solicitude the while and then went on to say rather faintly my sister and myself have been in great doubt mr what course we ought to take in reference to the or imaginary of such very young people as your friend mr and our niece our brother francis s child remarked if our brother s wife had found it convenient in her life time though she had an right to act as she thought best to invite the family to her dinner table we might have known our brother francis s child better at the present moment sister proceed miss turned my letter so as to bring the towards herself and referred through her eye glass to some orderly looking notes she had made on that part of it it seems to us said she prudent mr to bring these feelings to the test of om own observation at present we know nothing af them and are not in a situation to judge how much reality there may be in them therefore we are inclined so far to to mr s proposal as to admit his visits here i shall never dear ladies i exclaimed relieved of an immense load of apprehension forget your kindness but pursued miss but we would prefer to regard those visits mr as made at present to us we must guard ourselves from any positive engagement between mr and our niece until we have had an opportunity until ou have had an opportunity sister said miss be it so assented miss with a sigh until i have had an opportunity of observing them said turning to me you feel i am sure that nothing could be more reasonable or considerate nothing cried i i am deeply sensible of it in this position of affairs said miss
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satisfactory said and they are very agreeable old ladies i am sure i shouldn t be at all surprised if you were to be married years before me does your play on any instrument i in the pride of my heart she knows enough of the piano to teach it to her little sisters said does she sing at all i asked why she sings sometimes to up the others a little when they re out of spirits said nothing scientific she doesn t sing to the said i i b the personal and oh dear no said paint at all not at au said i promised that lie should hear sing and see some of her flower painting he said he should like it very much and we went home arm in arm in great good humour and delight i encouraged him to talk about on the way which he did with a loving reliance on her that i very much admired i compared her in my mind with with considerable inward satisfaction but i candidly admitted to myself that she seemed to be an excellent kind of girl for too of course my aunt was immediately made acquainted with the successful issue of the conference and with all that had been said and done in the of it she was happy to see me so happy and promised to call on s without loss of time but she took such a long walk up and down our rooms that night while i was writing to that i began to think she meant to walk till morning my letter to was a fervent and grateful one all the good effects that had resulted from my following her advice she wrote by return of post to me her letter was hopeful earnest and cheerful she was always cheerful from that time i had my hands more full than ever now my daily to considered was along way off and i naturally wanted to go there as often as i could the proposed tea being quite i with miss for permission to visit very saturday afternoon without to my privileged sundays the close of every week was a delicious time for me and i got through the rest of the week by looking forward to it i was wonderfully relieved to find that my aunt and s on all things considered much more smoothly than i could have expected my aunt made her promised visit within a few days of the conference and within a few more days s called upon her in due state and form similar but more friendly took place afterwards usually at intervals of three or four weeks i know that my aunt distressed s very much by utterly setting at naught the dignity of fly conveyance and walking out to at extraordinary times as shortly after breakfast or just before tea likewise by wearing her bonnet in any manner that happened to be comfortable to her head without at all to the prejudices of on that subject but s soon agreed to regard my aunt as an eccentric and somewhat masculine lady with a strong understanding and although my aunt occasionally ruffled the feathers of s by expressing opinions on various points of ceremony she loved me too well not to sacrifice some of her little peculiarities to the general harmony the only member of our small society who positively refused to himself to circumstances was he never saw my aunt without immediately displaying every tooth in his head retiring under a and growling incessantly with now and then a howl as if she really too much for his feelings all kinds of treatment were tried with him scolding bringing him to street where he instantly dashed at the two cats to the terror of all of david but he never could prevail upon himself to bear my aunt s society he would sometimes think he had got the better of his objection and be amiable for a few minutes and then would put up his nose and to that extent that there was nothing for it but to blind him and put him in the plate warmer at length regularly muffled him in a and shut him up there whenever my aunt was reported at the door one thing troubled me much after we had fallen into this quiet train ji was that seemed by one consent to be regarded like a pretty toy or my aunt with whom she gradually became familiar always called her little blossom and the pleasure of s life was to wait upon her curl her hair make ornaments for her and treat her like a pet child what miss did her sister did as a matter of course it was very odd to me but they all seemed to treat in her degree much as treated in his i made up my mind to speak to about this and one day when we were out walking for we were by miss after a while to go out walking by ourselves said to her that i wished she could get them to behave towards her differently because you know my darling i remonstrated vou are not a child there said now you re going to be cross cross my love i am sure they re very kind to me said and i am very well but my dearest life said i you might be very happy and yet be treated gave me a look the prettiest look and then began to sob saying if i didn t like her why had i ever wanted so much to be engaged to her and why didn t i go away now if i couldn t bear her what could i do but kiss away her tears and tell her how i on her after that i am sure i am very affectionate said you t to be
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cruel to me cruel my precious love as if i would or could be cruel to you for the world then don t find fault with me said making a of her mouth and i be good i was charmed by her presently asking me of her own accord to give her that book i had once spoken of and to show her how to keep accounts as i had once promised i would i brought the volume with tne on my next visit i got it prettily bound first to make it look less dry and more inviting and as we strolled about the common i showed her an old housekeeping book of my aunt s and gave her a set of and a pretty httle pencil case and box of leads to practise housekeeping with but the book made s head ache and the figures made her cry they wouldn t add up she said so she rubbed them out and drew little and of me and all over the the personal history and experience then i tried verbal instruction in domestic matters as we walked about on a saturday afternoon sometimes for example when we passed a butcher s shop i would say now suppose my pet that we were married and you were going to buy a shoulder of mutton for dinner would you know how to buy it my pretty little s face would fall and she would make her mouth into a bud again as if she would very much prefer to shut mine with a kiss would you know how to buy it my darling i would repeat perhaps if i were very would think a little and then reply perhaps with gi eat triumph why the butcher would know how to sell it and what need know oh you silly boy so when i once asked with an eye to the book what she would do if we were married and i were to say i should like a nice she replied that she would tell the servant to make it and then clapped her little hands together across my arm and laughed in such a charming manner that she was more delightful than ever consequently the principal use to which the book was devoted was being put down in the corner for to stand upon but was so pleased when she had trained him to stand upon it without offering to come off and at the same time to hold the pencil case in his mouth that i was very glad i had bought it and we fell back on the case and the flower painting and the songs about never leaving off dancing ta and were as happy as the week was long i occasionally wished i could venture to hint to miss that she treated the darling of my heart a little too much like a and i sometimes awoke as it were wondering to find that i had fallen into the general fault and treated her like a too but not often chapter mischief i feel as if it were not for me to record even though this manuscript is intended for no eyes but mine how hard i worked at that tremendous short hand and all improvement to it in my sense of responsibility to and her i will only add to what i have already written of my perseverance at this time of my life and of a patient and continuous energy which then began to be within me and which i know to be the strong part of my character if it have any strength at all that there on looking back i find the source of my success i have been very fortunate in worldly matters many men have worked much harder and not succeeded half so well but i never could have done what i have done without the habits of order and diligence without the determination to myself on one object at a time no matter how quickly its successor should come upon its heels which i then formed heaven knows i write this in no spirit of self of david the man who his own life as i do mine in going on here from page to page had need to have been a good man indeed if he would be spared the sharp consciousness of many talents neglected many opportunities wasted many and feelings constantly at war within his breast and him i do not hold one natural gift i dare say that i have not abused my meaning simply is that whatever i have tried to do in life i have tried with all my heart to do well that whatever i have devoted myself to i have devoted myself to completely that in great aims and in small i have always been thoroughly in earnest i have never believed it possible that any natural or improved ability can claim from the companionship of the steady plain qualities and hope to gain its end there is no such thing as such fulfilment on this earth some happy talent and some fortunate opportunity may form the two sides of the ladder on which some men mount but the rounds of that ladder must be made of stuff to stand wear and tear and there is no substitute for thorough going ardent and sincere earnestness never to put one hand to anything on which i could throw my whole self and never to affect of my work whatever it was i find now to have been my golden rules how much of the practice i have just reduced to i owe to i will not repeat here my narrative proceeds to with a thankful love she came on a visit of a fortnight to the doctor s mr was the doctor s old friend and the doctor wished to talk with him and do him good it had
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been matter of conversation with when she was last in town and this visit was the result she and her father came together i was not much surprised to hear from her that she had engaged to find a lodging in the neighbourhood for mrs whose complaint required change of air and who would be charmed to have it in such company neither was i surprised when on the very next day like a dutiful son brought his worthy mother to take possession you see master said he as he forced himself upon my company for a turn in the doctor s garden where a person loves a person is a little jealous anxious to keep an eye on the beloved one of whom are you jealous now said i thanks to you master he returned of no one in particular just at present no male person at least do you mean that you are jealous of a female person he gave me a glance out of his sinister red eyes and laughed really master he said i should say but i know you excuse the i ve got into you re so that you draw me like a well i don t mind telling you putting his fish like hand on mine i m not a lady s man in general sir and i never was with mrs strong his eyes looked green now as they watched mine with a cunning what do you mean said i why though i am a lawyer master he replied with a dry grin i mean just at present what i say the history and experience and what do yon mean by your look i retorted quietly by my look dear me that s sharp practice what do i mean by my look yes said i by your look he seemed very much amused and laughed as heartily as it was in his nature to laugh after some of his chin with his hand he went on to say with his eyes cast downward still very slowly when i was but a clerk she always looked down upon me she was for ever having my backwards and forwards at her and she was for ever being a friend to you master but i was too far beneath her myself to be noticed well said i suppose you were and beneath him too pursued very distinctly and in a meditative tone of voice as he continued to scrape his chin don t you know the doctor better said i than to suppose him conscious of your existence when you were not before him he directed his eyes at me in that glance again and he made his face very lantern for the greater convenience of as he answered oh dear i am not referring to the doctor oh no poor man i mean mr my heart quite died within me all my old doubts and apprehensions on that subject all the doctor s happiness and peace all the mingled possibilities of innocence and compromise that i could not i saw in a moment at the mercy of this fellow s twisting he never could come into the office without ordering and me about said one of your fine gentlemen he was i was very meek and and i am but i didn t like that sort of thing and i don t he left off his chin and sucked in his cheeks until they seemed to meet inside keeping his glance upon me all the while she is one of your lovely women she is he pursued when he had slowly restored his face to its natural form and ready to be no friend to such as me know she s just the person as would put my up to higher sort of game now i ain t one of your lady s men master but i ve had eyes in my ed a pretty long time back we ones have got eyes mostly speaking and we look out of em i endeavoured to appear unconscious and not but i saw in his face with poor success now i m not a going to let myself be run down he continued raising that part of his countenance where his red eyebrows would have been if he had had any with malignant triumph and i shall do what i can to put a stop to this friendship i don t approve of it i don t mind acknowledging to you that i ve got rather a disposition and want to keep off all i ain t a going if i know it to run the risk of being against you are always and yourself into the belief that everybody else is doing the like i think said i perhaps so master he replied but i ve got a motive as my fellow partner used to say and i go at it tooth and nail i of david mustn t be put upon as a person too much i can t allow people in my way they must come out of the cart master i don t understand you said i don t you though he returned with one of his i m astonished at that master you being usually so quick i try to be another time is that mr a ringing at the gate sir it looks like him i replied as carelessly as i could stopped short put his hands between his great of knees and doubled himself up with laughter with perfectly silent laughter not a sound escaped from him i was so by his odious behaviour particularly by this concluding instance that i turned away without any ceremony and left him doubled up in the middle of the garden like a in want of support it was not on that evening but as i well remember on the next evening but
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one which was a saturday that i took to see i had arranged the visit beforehand with miss and waa expected to tea i was in a flutter of pride and anxiety pride in my dear little and anxiety that should like her all the way to being inside the stage coach and i outside i pictured to myself in every one of the pretty looks i knew so well now making up my mind that i should like her to look exactly as she looked at such a time and then doubting whether i should not prefer her looking as she looked at such another time and almost worrying myself into a fever about it i vas troubled by no doubt of her being very pretty in any case but it fell out that i had never seen her look so well she was not in the drawing room when i presented to her little but was keeping out of the way i knew where to look for her now and sure enough i found her stopping her ears again behind the same old door at first she wouldn t come at all and then she pleaded for five minutes by my watch when at length she put her arm through mine to be taken to the drawing room her charming little face was flushed and had never been so pretty but when we went into the room and it turned pale she was ten thousand times prettier yet was afraid of she had told me that she knew was i too clever but when she saw her looking at once so cheerful and so t earnest and so thoughtful and so good she gave a faint little cry of pleased surprise and just put her affectionate arms round s neck i and laid her innocent cheek against her face i never was so happy i never was so pleased as when i saw those two sit down together side by side as when i saw my little darling looking up so naturally to those cordial eyes as when i saw the tender beautiful regard which cast upon her miss and miss partook in their way of my joy it was the tea table in the world miss presided i cut and handed the sweet seed cake the little sisters had a bird like fondness for picking up seeds and at sugar miss looked on with the personal history and experience patronage as if our happy love were all her work and we were perfectly contented with ourselves and one another the gentle cheerfulness of went to all their hearts her quiet interest in everything that interested her manner of making acquaintance with who responded instantly her pleasant way when was ashamed to come over to her usual seat by me her modest grace and ease a crowd of blushing little marks of confidence from seemed to make our circle quite complete i am so glad said after tea that you like me i didn t think you would and i want more than ever to be liked now mills is gone i have omitted to mention it by the bye miss mills had sailed and and i had gone aboard a great east at to see her and we had had preserved and and other of that sort for lunch and we had left miss mills weeping on a on the quarter deck with a large new under her arm in which the original reflections awakened by the contemplation of ocean were to be recorded under lock and key said she was afraid i must have given her an character but corrected that directly oh no she said shaking her curls at me it was all praise he thinks so much of your opinion that i was quite afraid of it my good opinion cannot strengthen his attachment to some people whom he knows said with a smile it is not worth their having but please let me have it said in her way if you can we made merry about s wanting to be liked and said i was a goose and she didn t like me at any rate and the short evening flew away on wings the time was at hand when the coach was to call for us i was standing alone before the fire when came stealing softly in to give me that usual precious little kiss before i went don t you think if i had had her for a friend a long time ago said her bright eyes shining very brightly and her little right hand idly itself with one of the buttons of my coat i might have been more clever perhaps my love said i what nonsense do you think it is nonsense returned without looking at me are you sure it is of course i am i have forgotten said still turning the button round and round what relation is to you you dear bad boy no blood relation i replied but we were brought up together like brother and sister i wonder why you ever fell in love with me said beginning on another button of my coat perhaps because i couldn t see you and not love you suppose you had never seen me at all said going to another button suppose we had never been born said i gaily of david i wondered what she was thinking about as i glanced in silence at the little soft hand travelling up the row of buttons on my coat and at the hair that lay against my breast and at the lashes of her downcast eyes slightly rising as they followed her idle fingers at length her eyes were lifted up to mine and she stood on to give me more thoughtfully than usual that precious little kiss once twice three times and went out of the room they all came back together within
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this is a subject of to everybody but since we have got so far i ought to take the liberty of mentioning that has noticed it too i turned upon him and asked him how he dared refer to me oh it s very kind of you returned all over and we all know what an amiable character yours is but you know that the moment i spoke to you the other night you knew what i meant you know you knew what meant don t deny it you deny it with the best intentions but don t do it i saw the mild eye of the good old doctor turned upon me for a moment and i felt that the confession of my old and was too plainly written in my face to be overlooked it was of no use raging i could not undo that say what i would i could not it we were silent again and remained so until the doctor rose and i of david walked twice or thrice across the room presently he returned to where his chair stood and leaning on the back of it and occasionally handkerchief to his eyes with a simple honesty that did him more honor to my thinking than any disguise he could have affected said i have been much to blame i believe i have been very much to blame i have exposed one whom i hold in my heart to trials and i call them even to have been conceived in anybody s inmost mind of which she never but for me could have been the object gave a kind of i think to express sympathy of which my said the doctor never but for me could have been the object gentlemen i am old now as you know i do not feel to night that i have much to live for but my life my life upon the truth and honor of the dear lady who has been the subject of this conversation i do not think that the best of chivalry the of the and most romantic figure ever imagined by painter could have said this with a more impressive and affecting dignity than the plain old doctor did but i am not prepared he went on to deny perhaps i may have been without knowing it in some degree prepared to admit that i may have that lady into an unhappy marriage i am a man quite to observe and i cannot but believe that the observation of several people of different ages and positions all too plainly tending in one direction and that so natural is better than mine i had often admired as i have elsewhere described his manner towards his youthful wife but the respectful tenderness he manifested in every reference to her on this occasion and the almost manner in which he put away from him the doubt of her integrity exalted him in my eyes beyond description i married that lady said the doctor when she was extremely young i took her to myself when her character was scarcely formed so far as it was developed it had been my happiness to form it i knew her father well i knew her well i had taught her what i could for the love of all her beautiful and virtuous qualities if i did her wrong as i fear i did in taking advantage but i never meant it of her gratitude and her affection i ask pardon of that lady in my heart he walked across the room and came back to the same place holding the chair with a grasp that trembled like his subdued voice in its earnestness i regarded myself as a refuge for her from the dangers and of life i persuaded myself that unequal though we were in years she would live and with me i did not shut out of my consideration the time when i should leave her free and still young and still beautiful but with her judgment more no gentlemen upon my truth his homely figure seemed to be lightened up by his fidelity and generosity every word he uttered had a force that no other grace could have imparted to it the personal history and experience my life with this lady has been very happy until to night i have had occasion to bless the day on which i did her great injustice his voice more and more faltering in the utterance of these words stopped for a few moments then he went on once awakened from my dream have been a poor in one way or other all my life i see how natural it is that she should have some feeling towards her old companion and her equal that she does regard him with some innocent regret with some thoughts of what might have been but for me is i fear too true much that i have seen but not noted has come back upon me with new meaning during this last trying hour but beyond this gentlemen the dear lady s name never must be coupled with a word a breath of doubt for a little while his eye kindled and his voice was firm for a little while he was again silent presently he proceeded as before it only remains for me to bear the knowledge of the i have occasioned as as i can it is she who should reproach not i to save her from cruel that even my friends have not been able to avoid becomes my duty the more retired we live the better i shall discharge it and when the time comes may it come soon if it be his merciful pleasure when my death shall release her from i shall close my eyes upon her honored face with unbounded confidence and love and leave her with
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no sorrow then to happier and brighter days i could not see him for the tears which his earnestness and goodness so adorned by and so the perfect simplicity of his manner brought into my eyes he had moved to the door when he added gentlemen i have shown you my heart i am sure you will respect it what we have said to night is never to be said more give me an old friend s arm up stairs mr hastened to him without a word they went slowly out of the room together looking after them well master said meekly turning to me the thing hasn t took quite the turn that might have been expected for the old scholar what an excellent man is as blind as a but this family s out of the cart i think i needed but the sound of his voice to be so madly enraged as i never was before and never have been since you villain said i what do you mean by me into your schemes how dare you appeal to me just now you false rascal as if we had been in discussion together as we stood front to front i saw so plainly in the stealthy exultation of his face what i already so plainly knew i mean that he forced his confidence upon me expressly to make me miserable and had set a deliberate trap for me in this very matter that i couldn t bear it the whole of his cheek was before me and i struck it with my open hand with that force that my fingers as if i had burnt them he caught the hand in his and we stood in that looking at each other we stood so a long time long enough for me to see the of david white marks of my fingers die out of tlie deep red of his cheek and leave it a deeper red he said at length in a breathless voice have you taken leave of your senses i have taken leave of you said i my hand away you dog i know no more of you won t you said he constrained by the pain of his cheek to put his hand there perhaps you won t be able to help it isn t this ungrateful of you now i have shown you often enough said i that i despise you i have shown you now more plainly that i do why i dread your doing your worst to all about you what else do you ever do he perfectly understood this allusion to the considerations that had hitherto restrained me in my communications with him i rather think that neither the blow nor the allusion would have escaped me but for the assurance i had had from that night it is no matter there was another long pause his eyes as he looked at me seemed to take every shade of color that could make eyes ugly he said removing his hand from his cheek you have always gone against me i know you always used to be against me at mr s you may think what you like said i still in a towering rage if it is not true so much the you and yet i always liked you he rejoined i to make him no reply and taking up my hat was going out to bed when he came between me and the door he said there must be two parties to a quarrel i won t be one you may go to the devil said i don t say that he replied i know you u be sorry afterwards how can you make yourself so inferior to me as to show such a bad spirit but i forgive you you forgive me i repeated i do and you can t help yourself replied to think of your going and attacking me that have always been a friend to you but there can t be a quarrel without two parties and i won t be one i will be a friend to you in spite of you so now you know what you ve got to expect the necessity of carrying on this dialogue his part in which was very slow mine very quick in a low tone that the house might not be disturbed at an hour did not improve my temper though my passion was down merely telling him that i should expect from him what i always had expected and had never yet been disappointed in i opened the door upon him as if he had been a great put there to be cracked and went out of the house but he slept out of the house too at his mother s lodging and before i had gone many hundred yards came up with me you know he said in my ear i did not turn my head you re in quite a wrong position which i felt to be true and that made me the more you can t make this a brave thing the personal history and experience and you can t help being forgiven i don t intend to mention it to mother nor to any living soul i m determined to forgive you but i do wonder that you should lift your hand against a person that you knew to be so i felt only less mean than he he knew me better than i knew myself if he had retorted or openly exasperated me it would have been a relief and a justification but he had put me on a slow fire on which i lay tormented half the night in the morning when i came out the early church bell was ringing and he was walking up and down with his mother he addressed me as if nothing had happened and i could do no less than reply
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i had struck him hard enough to give him the i suppose at all events his face was tied up in a black silk handkerchief which with his hat perched on the top of it was far from improving his appearance i heard that he went to a s in london on the monday morning and had a tooth out i hope it was a double one the doctor gave out that he was not quite well and remained alone for a considerable part of every day during the remainder of the visit and her father had been gone a week before we resumed our usual work on the day preceding its the doctor gave me with his own hands a folded note not sealed it was addressed to myself and laid an on me in a few words never to refer to the subject of that evening i had confided it to my aunt but to no one else it was not a subject i could discuss with and certainly had not the least suspicion of what had passed neither i felt convinced had mrs strong then several weeks elapsed before i saw the least change in her it came on slowly like a cloud when there is no wind at first she seemed to wonder at the gentle compassion with which the doctor spoke to her and at his wish that she should have her mother with her to relieve the dull monotony of her life often when we were at work and she was sitting by i would see her pausing and looking at him with that memorable face afterwards i sometimes observed her rise with her eyes full of tears and go out of the room gradually an unhappy shadow fell upon her beauty and deepened every day mrs was a regular of the cottage then but she talked and talked and saw nothing as this change stole on once like sunshine in the doctor s house the doctor became older in appearance and more grave but the sweetness of his temper the placid kindness of his manner and his benevolent solicitude for her if they were capable of any increase were increased i saw him once early on the morning of her birthday when she came in the window while we were at work which she had always done but now began to do with a timid and uncertain air that i thought very touching take her forehead between his hands kiss it and go hurriedly away too much moved to remain i saw her stand where he had left her like a statue and then bend down her head and clasp her hands and weep i cannot say how sorrowfully sometimes after that i fancied that she tried to speak even to me in intervals when we were left alone but she never uttered word the doctor always had some new project for her in amusements of david away from home witli her mother and mrs who was y fond of amusements and very easily dissatisfied with anything else entered into them with great good will and was loud in her but in a unhappy way only went whither she was led and seemed to have no care for anything i did not know what to think neither did my aunt who must have walked at various times a hundred miles in her uncertainty what was strangest of all was that the only real relief which seemed to make its way into the secret region of this domestic made its way there in the person of mr dick what his thoughts were on the subject or what his observation was i am as unable to explain as i dare say he would have been to assist me in the task but as i have recorded in the narrative of my school days his veneration for the doctor was unbounded and there is a of perception in real attachment even when it is borne towards man by one of the lower animals which leaves the highest intellect behind to this mind of the heart if i may call it so in mr dick some bright ray of the truth shot straight he had proudly resumed his privilege in many of his spare hours of w up and down the garden with the doctor as he had been accustomed to pace up and down the doctor s walk at but matters were no sooner in this state than he devoted all his spare time and got up earlier to make it more to these if he had never been so happy as when the doctor read that performance the dictionary to him he was now quite miserable unless the doctor pulled it out of his pocket and began when the doctor and i were engaged he now fell into the custom of walking up and down with mrs strong and helping her to trim her favorite flowers or weed the beds i dare say he rarely spoke a dozen words in an hour but his quiet interest and his wistful face found immediate response in both their breasts each knew that the other liked him and that he loved both and he became what no one else could be a link between them when i think of him with his wise face walking up and down with the doctor delighted to be battered by the hard words in the dictionary when i think of him carrying huge watering pots after kneeling down in very of gloves at patient work among the little leaves expressing as no philosopher could have expressed in every thing he did a delicate desire to be her friend sympathy and affection out of every hole in the watering pot when i think of him never wandering in that better mind of his to which addressed itself never bringing the unfortunate king charles into the garden never wavering in hi grateful service
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never diverted from his knowledge that there was something wrong or from his wish to set it right i really feel almost ashamed of having known that he was not quite in his wits taking account of the utmost i have done with mine nobody but myself trot knows what that man is my aunt would proudly remark when we conversed about it dick will distinguish himself yet i must refer to one other topic before i close this chapter while the the personal history and experience visit at the doctor s was still in ess i observed that the brought two or three letters every morning for who remained at until the rest went back it being a leisure time and that these were always directed in a business like manner by mr who now assumed a round legal hand i was glad to infer from these slight premises that mr was doing well and consequently was much surprised to receive about this time the following letter from his amiable wife monday evening you will doubtless be surprised my dear mr to receive this communication still more so by its contents still more so by the of confidence which i beg to impose but my feelings as a wife and mother require relief and as i do not wish to consult my family already to the feelings of mr i know no one of whom i can better ask advice than my friend and former you maybe aware my dear mr that between myself and mr whom i will never desert there has always been preserved a spirit of mutual confidence mr may have occasionally given a bill without consulting me or he may have me as to the period when that obligation would become due this has actually happened but in general mr has had no secrets from the bosom of affection i allude to his wife and has invariably on our retirement to rest recalled the events of the day you will picture to yourself my dear mr what the of my feelings must be when i inform you that mr is entirely changed he is reserved he is secret his life is a mystery to the partner of his joys and sorrows i again allude to his wife and if i should assure you that beyond knowing that it is passed from morning to night at the office i now know less of it than i do of the man in the south connected with whose mouth the thoughtless children repeat an idle tale respecting cold i should adopt a popular to express an actual fact but this is not all mr is he is severe he is from our eldest son and daughter he has no pride in his he looks with an eye of coldness even on the stranger who last became a member of our circle the pecuniary means of meeting our expenses kept down to the utmost are obtained from him with great difficulty and even under fearful threats that he will settle himself the exact expression and he refuses to give any explanation whatever of this policy this is hard to bear this is heart breaking if you will advise me knowing my feeble powers such as they are how you think it will be best to exert them in a so unwonted you will add another friendly obligation to the many you have already rendered me with loves from the children and a smile from the happily unconscious stranger i remain dear mr your afflicted of david i did not feel justified in giving a wife of mrs s experience any other recommendation than that she should try to by patience and kindness as i knew she would in any case but the letter set me thinking about him very much chapter another once again let me pause upon a memorable period of my life let me stand aside to see the of those days go by me accompanying the shadow of myself in dim procession weeks months seasons pass along they seem little more than a summer day and a winter evening now the common where i walk with is all in bloom a field of bright gold and now the unseen lies in and underneath a covering of snow in a breath the river that flows through our sunday walks is sparkling in the summer sun is ruffled by the winter wind or with drifting heaps of ice faster than ever river ran towards the sea it flashes and rolls away not a thread changes in the house of the two little bird like ladies the clock over the fire place the weather glass hangs in the hall neither clock nor weather glass is ever right but we believe in both devoutly i have come to man s estate i have attained the dignity of twenty one but this is a sort of dignity that may be thrust upon one let me think what i have achieved i have tamed that savage mystery i make a respectable income by it i am in high for my accomplishment in au to the art and am joined with eleven others in the in parliament for a morning newspaper night after night i record that never come to pass professions that are never fulfilled explanations that are only meant to i in words that unfortunate female is always before me like a fowl through and through with office pens and bound hand and foot with red i am sufficiently behind the scenes to know the worth of political life i am quite an about it and shall never be converted my dear old has tried his hand at the same pursuit but it is not in s way he is perfectly good humoured respecting his failure and reminds me that he always did consider himself slow he has occasional employment on the same newspaper in getting
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up the facts of dry subjects to be written about and by more fertile minds he is called to the bar and with admirable industry and self denial has scraped another hundred pounds together to fee a whose chambers he a great deal of very hot port wine was consumed the personal history and experience at his call and considering the figure i should think the inner temple must have made a profit by it i have come out in another way i have taken with fear and trembling to i wrote a little something in secret and sent it to a magazine and it was published in the magazine since then i have taken heart to write a good many trifling pieces now i am regularly paid for them altogether i am well off when i tell my income on the fingers of my left hand i pass the third finger and take in the th to the middle joint we have removed from street to a pleasant little cottage very near the one i looked at when my enthusiasm first came on my aunt however who has sold the house at to good advantage is not going to remain here but removing herself to a still more tiny cottage close at hand what does this my marriage yes yes i am going to be married to miss and miss have given their consent and if ever birds were in a flutter they are miss self charged with the of my darling s wardrobe is constantly cutting out brown paper and in opinion from a highly respectable young man with a long bundle and a yard measure under his arm a always in the breast with a needle and thread boards and in the house and seems to me eating drinking or sleeping never to take her off they make a lay figure of my dear they are always sending for her to come and try something on we can t be happy together for five minutes in the evening but some female at the door and says oh if you please miss would you step up stairs miss and my aunt all over london to find out articles of furniture for and me to look at it would be better for them to buy the goods at once without this ceremony of inspection for when we go to see a kitchen and meat screen sees a chinese house for with little bells on the top and prefers that and it takes a long time to to his new residence after we have bought it whenever he goes in or out he makes all the little bells ring and is horribly frightened comes up to make herself useful and falls to work immediately her department appears to be to clean everything over and over again she everything that can be rubbed until it shines like her own honest forehead with perpetual and now it is that i begin to see her solitary brother passing through the dark streets at night and looking as he goes among the wandering faces i never speak to him at such an hour i know too well as his grave figure passes onward what he seeks and what he why does look so important when he calls upon me this afternoon in the where i still occasionally attend for form s sake when i have time the of my boyish day dreams is at hand i am going to take out the license it is a little document to do so much and it as it lies upon my desk half in admiration half in awe there are the names in the sweet old visionary david and of david and there in the corner is that parental institution the stamp office which is so interested in the various transactions of human life looking down upon our union and there is the of a blessing on us in print and doing it as cheap as could possibly be expected nevertheless i am in a dream a happy hurried dream i can t believe that it is going to be and yet i can t believe but that i pass in the street must have some kind of perception that i am to be married the day after to morrow the knows me when i go down to be sworn and of me easily as if there were a understanding between us is not at all wanted but is in attendance as my general i hope the next time you come here my dear fellow i say to it will be on the same errand for yourself and i hope it will be soon thank you for your good wishes my dear he replies i hope so too it s a satisfaction to know that she wait for me any length of time and that she really is the dearest girl when are you to meet her at the coach i ask at seven says looking at his plain old silver watch the very watch he once took a wheel out of at school to make a water mill that is about miss s time is it not a little earlier her time is half past eight i assure you my dear boy says i am almost as pleased as if i were going to be married myself to think that this event is coming to such a happy termination and really the great friendship and consideration of personally with the joyful occasion and inviting her to be a in with miss demands my warmest thanks i am extremely sensible of it i hear him and shake hands with him and we talk and walk and dine and so on but i don t believe it nothing is real arrives at the house of s in due course she has the most agreeable of faces not absolutely beautiful but pleasant and
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is one of the most genial unaffected frank i have ever seen presents her to us with great pride and his hands for ten minutes by the clock with every individual hair upon his head standing on when i congratulate him in a corner on his choice i have brought from the coach and her cheerful and beautiful face is among us for the second time has a great liking for and it is capital to see them meet and to observe the glory of as he the dearest girl in the world to her acquaintance still i don t believe it we have a delightful evening and are happy but i don t believe it yet i can t collect myself i can t check off my happiness as it takes place i feel in a misty and unsettled kind of state as if i had got up very early in the morning a week or two ago and had never been to bed since i can t make out when yesterday was i seem to have been carrying the about in my pocket months the personal y and experience next day too when we all go in a flock to see the house our house s and mine i am quite unable to regard myself as its master i seem to be there by permission of somebody else i half expect the real master to come home presently and say he is glad to see me such a beautiful little house as it is with everything so bright and new with the flowers on the carpets looking as if gathered and the green leaves on the paper as if they had just come out with the muslin curtains and the blushing rose coloured furniture and s garden hat with the blue ribbon do i remember now how i loved her in such another hat when i first knew her already hanging on its little the quite at home on its heels in a corner and everybody tumbling over s which is much too big for the establishment another happy evening quite as unreal as all the rest of it and i steal into the usual room before going away is not there i suppose they have not done trying on yet miss in and tells me mysteriously that she will not be long she is rather long notwithstanding but by and by i hear a rustling at the door and some one i say come in but some one again i go to the door wondering who it is there i meet a pair of bright eyes and a blushing face they are s eyes and face and has dressed her in to morrow s dress bonnet and all for me to see i take my little wife to my heart and miss gives a little scream because i tumble the bonnet and laughs and cries at once because i am so pleased and i believe it less than ever do you think it pretty says pretty i should rather think i did and are you sure you like me very much says the topic is with such danger to the bonnet that miss gives another little scream and me to understand that is only to be looked at and on no account to be touched so stands in a delightful state of confusion for a minute or two to be admired and then takes off her bonnet looking so natural without it and runs away with it in her hand and comes dancing down again in her own familiar dress and asks if i have got a beautiful little wife and whether he forgive her for being married and down to make him stand upon the book for the last time in her single life i go home more incredulous than ever to a lodging that i have hard by and get up very early in the morning to ride to the road and fetch my aunt i have never seen my aunt in such state she is dressed in silk and has a white bonnet on and is amazing has dressed her and is there to look at me is ready to go to church intending to behold the ceremony from the gallery mr dick who is to give my darling to me at the altar has had his hair curled whom i have taken up by appointment at the presents a dazzling combination of cream color and light blue and both he and mr dick have a general effect about them of being all gloves no doubt i see this because i know it is so but i am astray and seem to see nothing nor do i believe anything whatever still as we of david drive along in an open carriage this fairy marriage is real enough to fill me with a sort of wondering pity for the unfortunate people who have no part in it but are sweeping out the shops and going to their daily occupations my aunt sits with my hand in hers all the way we stop a little way short of the church to put down whom we have brought on the box she gives it a squeeze and me a kiss god bless you trot my own boy never could be dearer i think of poor dear baby this morning so do i and of all i owe to you dear aunt tut child says my aunt and gives her hand in overflowing cordiality to who then gives his to mr dick who then gives his to me who then give mine to and then we come to the church door the church is calm enough i am sure but it might be a loom in full action for any effect it has on me i am too far gone for that the rest is all a more or less dream
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a dream of their coming in with of the arranging us like a before the altar rails of my wondering even then why must always be the most disagreeable females and whether there is any religious dread of a disastrous of renders it indispensable to set those vessels of upon the road to heaven of the clergyman and clerk appearing of a few and some other people strolling in of an ancient behind me strongly the church with rum of the service beginning in a deep voice and our all being very attentive of miss who acts as a semi being the first to cry and of her doing homage as i take it to the memory of in sobs of miss applying a smelling bottle of taking care of of my aunt endeavouring to represent herself as a model of with tears rolling down her face of little trembling very much and making her in faint whispers of our kneeling down together side by side of s trembling less and less but always clasping by the hand of the service being got through quietly and gravely of our all looking at each other in an april state of smiles and tears when it is over of my young wife being hysterical in the and crying for her poor papa her dear papa of her soon cheering up again and our the register all round of my going into the gallery for to bring her to sign it of s me in a corner and telling me she saw my own dear mother married of its being over and our going away of my walking so proudly and lovingly down the aisle with my sweet wife upon my arm through a mist of half seen people monuments organs and church windows in which there flutter faint airs of association with my childish church at home so long ago of their whispering as we pass what a youthful couple we are and what a pretty little wife she is of our all being so merry and in the carriage going back of telling us that when she the personal history and experience saw whom i had with the asked for it she almost fainted having been convinced that he would contrive to lose it or to have his pocket picked of laughing gaily and of being so fond of that she will not be separated from her but still keeps her hand of there being a breakfast with abundance of things pretty and substantial to eat and drink whereof i partake as i should do in any other dream without the least perception of their flavor eating and drinking as i may say nothing but love and marriage and no more believing in the than in anything else of my making a speech in the same dreamy fashion without having an idea of what i want to say beyond such as may be comprehended in the full conviction that i haven t said it of our being very and simply happy always in a dream though and of s having wedding cake and its not agreeing with him afterwards of the pair of hired post horses being ready and of s going away to change her dress of my aunt and miss remaining with us and our walking in the garden and my aunt who has made quite a speech at breakfast touching s being amused with herself but a little proud of it too of s being ready and of miss s hovering about her loth to lose the pretty toy that has given her so much pleasant occupation of s making a long series of surprised discoveries that she has forgotten all sorts of little things and of everybody s running everywhere to fetch them of their all closing about when at last she begins to say looking with their bright colors and ribbons like a bed of flowers of my darling being almost smothered among the flowers and coming out laughing and crying both together to my jealous arms of my wanting to carry who is to go along with us and s saying no that she must carry him or else he think she don t like him any more now she is married and will break his heart of our going arm in arm and stopping and looking back and saying if i have ever been cross or ungrateful to anybody don t remember it and bursting into tears of her waving her little land and our going away once more of her once more stopping and looking back and hurrying to and giving above all the others her last kisses and we drive away together and i awake from the dream i believe it at last it is my dear dear little wife beside me whom i love so well are you happy now you foolish boy says and sure you don t repent i have stood aside to see the of those days go by me they are gone and i resume the journey of my story i i l r i c of david chapter our housekeeping it was a strange condition of things the honey moon being over and the gone home when i found myself sitting down in my own small house with quite thrown out of employment as i may say in respect of the delicious old occupation of making love it seemed such an extraordinary thing to have always there it was so unaccountable not to be obliged to go out to see her not to have any occasion to be myself about her not to have to write to her not to be and opportunities of being alone with her sometimes of an evening when i looked up from my writing and saw her seated opposite i would lean back in my chair and think how queer it was that there we were alone together as a matter
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of course nobody s business any more all the romance of our engagement put away upon a shelf to no one to please but one another one another to please for life when there was a debate and i was kept out very late it seemed so strange to me as i was walking home to think that was at home it was such a wonderful thing at first to have her coming softly down to talk to me as i ate my supper it was such a thing to know for certain that she put her hair in papers it was altogether such an astonishing event to see her do it i doubt whether two young birds could have known less about keeping house than i and my pretty did we had a servant of course she kept house for us i have still a latent belief that she must have been mrs s daughter in disguise we had such an awful time of it with mary anne her name was her nature was represented to us when we engaged her as being feebly expressed in her name she had a written character as large as a and according to this document could do everything of a domestic nature that ever i heard of and a great many things that i never did hear of she was a woman in the prime of life of a severe countenance and subject particularly in the arms to a sort of perpetual or fiery rash she had a cousin in the life guards with such long legs that he looked like the afternoon shadow of somebody else his shell jacket was as much too little for him as he was too big for the premises he made the cottage smaller than it need have been by being so very much out of proportion to it besides which the walls were not thick and whenever he passed the evening at our house we always knew of it by hearing one continual growl in the kitchen our treasure was sober and honest i am therefore willing to believe that she was in a fit when we found her under the and that the deficient were to the but she upon our minds dreadfully we felt our g g the personal history and experience and were unable to help ourselves we should have been at her mercy if she had had any but she was a woman and had none she was the cause of our first little quarrel my dearest life i said one day to do you think mary anne has any idea of time why inquired looking up innocently from her drawing my love because it s five and we were to have dined at four glanced wistfully at the clock and hinted that she thought it was too fast on the contrary my love said i referring to my watch it s a few minutes too slow my little wife came and sat upon my knee to me to be quiet and drew a line with her pencil down the middle of my nose but i couldn t dine off that though it was very agreeable don t you think my dear said i it would be better for you to with mary anne oh no please i couldn t said why not my love i gently asked oh because i am such a little goose said and she knows i am i thought this sentiment so with the establishment of any system of check on mary anne that i frowned a little oh what ugly wrinkles in my bad boy s forehead said and still being on my knee she traced them with her pencil putting it to her rosy lips to make it mark and working at my forehead with a quaint little mockery of being industrious that quite delighted me in spite of myself there s a good child said it makes its face so much prettier to laugh but my love said i no no please cried with a kiss don t be a naughty blue beard don t be serious my precious wife said i we must be serious sometimes come sit down on this chair close beside me give me the pencil there now let us talk sensibly you know dear what a little hand it was to hold and what a tiny wedding ring it was to see you know my love it is not exactly comfortable to have to go out without one s dinner now is it n n no replied faintly my love how you tremble because i know you re going to me exclaimed in a piteous voice my sweet i am only going to reason oh but reasoning is worse than scolding exclaimed in despair i didn t marry to be reasoned with if you meant to reason with such a poor little thing as i am you ought to have told me so you cruel boy i tried to but she turned away her face and shook her curls from side to side and said you cruel cruel boy so many times of david that i really did not exactly know what to do so i took a few turns up and down the room in my uncertainty and came back again my darling no i am not your darling because you must be sorry that you married me or else you wouldn t reason with me returned i felt so injured by the nature of this charge that it gave me courage to be grave now my own said i you are very childish and are talking nonsense you must remember i am sure that i was obliged to go out yesterday when dinner was half over and that the day before i was made quite by being obliged to eat in a hurry to day i don t dine at
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one can assist you you are to work it out for yourselves this is marriage trot and heaven bless you both in it for a pair of in the wood as you are david my aunt said this in a way and gave me a kiss to the blessing now said she light my little lantern and see me into my by the garden path for there was a communication between our cottages in that direction give trot wood s love to blossom when you come back and whatever you do trot never dream of setting up as a for if i ever saw her in the glass she s quite grim enough and gaunt enough in her private capacity with this my aunt tied her head up in a handkerchief with which she was accustomed to make a bundle of it on such occasions and i escorted her home as she stood in her garden holding up her little lantern to light me back i thought her observation of me had an anxious air again but i was too much occupied in pondering on what she had said and too much impressed for the first time in reality by the conviction that and i had indeed to work out our future for ourselves and that no one could assist us to take much notice of it came stealing down in her little slippers to meet me now that i was alone and cried upon my shoulder and said i had been and she had been naughty and i said much the same thing in effect i believe and we made it up and agreed that our first little difference was to be our last and that we were never to have another if we lived a hundred years the next domestic trial we went through was the ordeal of servants mary anne s cousin deserted into our coal hole and was brought out to our great amazement by a of his companions in who took him away in a procession that covered our front garden with this me to get rid of mary anne who went so mildly on receipt of wages that i was surprised until i found out about the tea and also about the little sums she had borrowed in my name of the without authority after an interval of mrs the oldest of town i believe who went out but was too feeble to execute her of that art we found another treasure who was one of the most amiable of women but who generally made a point of falling either up or down the kitchen stairs with the tray and almost always plunged into the parlor as into a bath with the tea things the committed by this unfortunate rendering her dismissal necessary she was succeeded with intervals of mrs by a long line of in a young person of genteel appearance who went to pair in s bonnet after whom i remember nothing but an average equality of failure everybody we had anything to do with seemed to cheat us our appearance in a shop was a signal for the goods to be brought out immediately if we bought a it was full of water all our meat turned out to be tough and there was hardly any crust to our in search of the principle on which joints ought to be to be enough and not too much i myself referred to the book and found it there established as the allowance of a quarter of an hour to every pound and say a quarter over but the principle always failed us by some curious and we never could hit any medium between and the personal and i had reason to believe that in these failures we incurred a far greater expense than if we had achieved a series of triumphs it appeared to me on looking over the s books as if we might have kept the story paved with butter such was the extensive scale of our consumption of that article i don t know whether the returns of the period may have exhibited any increase in the demand for but if our performances did not affect the market i should say several families must have left off using it and the most wonderful fact of all was that we never had anything in the house as to the the clothes and coming in a state of penitent to i suppose that might have happened several times to anybody also the chimney on fire the parish engine and on the part of the but i apprehend that we were personally unfortunate in engaging a servant with a taste for who swelled our running account for porter at the public house by such inexplicable as rum mrs c half gin and mrs c glass rum and mrs c the always referring to who was supposed it appeared on explanation to have the whole of these one of our first in the housekeeping way was a little dinner to i met him in town and asked him to walk out with me that afternoon he readily i wrote to saying i would bring him home it was pleasant weather and on the road we made my domestic happiness the theme of conversation was very full of it and said that himself with such a home and waiting and preparing for him he could think of nothing wanting to complete his bliss i could not have wished for a prettier little wife at the opposite end of the table but i certainly could have wished when we down for a little more room i did not know how it was but though there were only two of us we were at once always cramped for room and yet had always room enough to lose everything in i suspect it may have been because nothing had a place of
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its own except s which invariably blocked up the main on the present occasion was so hemmed in by the and the case and s flower painting and my writing table that i had serious doubts of the possibility of his using his knife and fork but he protested with his own good humour of room i assure you there was another thing i could have wished namely that had never been encouraged to walk about the table cloth during dinner i began to think there was something in his being there at all even if he had not been in the habit of putting his foot in the salt or the melted butter on this occasion he seemed to think he was introduced expressly to keep at bay and he at my old friend and made short runs at his plate with such that he may be said to have engrossed the conversation however as i knew how tender hearted my dear was and how sensitive she would be to any slight upon her favorite i hinted no objection for similar reasons i made no allusion to the of david plates upon the floor or to the appearance of the which were all at and and looked drunk or to the further of by wandering vegetable dishes and i could not help wondering in my own mind as i contemplated the boiled leg of mutton before me previous to carving it how it came to pass that our joints of meat were of such extraordinary shapes and whether our butcher contracted for all the sheep that came into the world but i kept my reflections to myself my love said i to what have you got in that dish i could not imagine why had been making tempting little faces at me as if she wanted to kiss me dear said timidly was that thought said te yes said there never was a happier one i exclaimed laying do n the carving knife and fork there is nothing likes so much ye yes said and so i bought a beautiful little barrel of them and the man said they were very good but i i am afraid there s something the matter with them they don t seem right here shook her head and diamonds in her eyes they are only opened in both shells said i take the top one off my love but it won t come ofi said trying very hard and looking very much distressed do you know field said cheerfully examining the dish i think it is in consequence they are capital but i think it is in consequence of their never having been opened they never had been opened and we had no knives and couldn t have used them if we had so we looked at the and ate the mutton at least we ate as much of it as was done and made up with if i had permitted him i am satisfied that would have made a perfect savage of himself and eaten a of raw meat to express enjoyment of the but i would hear of no such on the altar of friendship and we had a course of bacon instead there happening by good fortune to be cold bacon in the my poor little wife was in such affliction when she thought i should be annoyed and in such a state of joy when she found i was not that the discomfiture i had subdued very soon vanished and we passed a happy evening sitting with her arm on my chair while and i discussed a glass of wine and taking every opportunity of whispering in my ear that it was so good of me not to be a cruel cross old boy by and bye she made tea for us which it was so pretty to see her do as if she were herself with a set of doll s tea things that i was not particular about the of the then and i played a game or two at and singing to the the while it seemed to me as if our courtship and marriage were a tender dream of mine and the night when i first listened to her voice were not yet over when went away and i came back into the parlor from seeing him out my wife planted her chair close to mine and sat down by my side the personal and experience i am very sorry she said will you try to me i must myself st said i i am as bad as you love ah but you can learn she returned and you are a clever clever man nonsense mouse said i i wish resumed my wife after a long silence that i could have gone down into the country for a whole year and lived with her hands were clasped upon my shoulder and her chin rested on them and her blue eyes looked quietly into mine why so i asked i think she might have improved me and i think i might have learnt from said all in good time my love has had her father to take care of for these many years you should remember even when she was quite a child she was the whom we know said i will you call me a name i want you to call me inquired without moving what is it i asked with a smile it s a stupid name she said shaking her curls for a moment child wife i asked my child wife what her fancy was in desiring to be so called she answered without moving otherwise than as the arm i about her may have brought her blue eyes nearer to me i don t mean you silly fellow that you should use the name instead of i only mean that you should think of me that
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way when you are going to be angry with me say to yourself it s only my child wife when i am very say i knew a long time ago that she would make but a child wife when you miss what i should like to be and i think can never be say still my foolish child wife loves me for indeed i do i had not been serious with her having no idea until now that she was serious herself but her affectionate nature was so happy in what i now said to her with my whole heart that her face became a laughing one before her glittering eyes were dry she was soon my child wife indeed sitting down on the floor outside the chinese house ringing all the little bells one after another to punish for his recent bad behaviour while lay in the doorway with his head out even too lazy to be this appeal of s made a strong impression on me i look back on the time i write of i the innocent figure that i dearly loved to come out from the mists and shadows of the past and turn its gentle head towards me once again and i can still declare that this one little speech was constantly in my memory i may not have used it to the best account i was young and inexperienced but i never turned a deaf ear to its pleading told me shortly afterwards that she was going to be a wonderful housekeeper accordingly she polished the pointed the pencil bought an immense account book carefully up with a needle and thread all the leaves of the book which had torn and made op david quite a desperate little attempt to be good as she called it but the figures had the old obstinate they would not add up when she had entered two or three laborious in the account would walk over the page his tail and them all out her own little right hand middle finger got to the very bone in ink and t think that was the only decided result attained sometimes of an evening when i was at home and at work for i wrote a good deal now and was beginning in a small way to be known as a writer i would lay down my pen and watch my child wife trying to be good st of all she would bring out the immense account book and lay it down upon the table with a deep sigh then she would open it at the place where had made it last night and call up to look at his this would occasion a diversion in s favour and some of his nose perhaps as a penalty then she would tell to lie down on the table instantly like a lion which was one of his tricks though i cannot say the likeness was striking and if he were in an obedient humor he would obey then she would take up a pen and begin to write and find a hair in it then she would take up another pen and begin to write and find that it then she take up another pen and begin to write and say in a low voice oh it s a talking pen and will disturb and then she would give it up as a bad job and put the book away after pretending to crush the lion with it or if she were in a very and serious state of mind she would sit down with the and a little basket of bills and other documents which looked more like curl papers than anything else and endeavour to get some result out of them after severely comparing one with another and making on the and them out and counting all the fingers of her left hand over and over again backwards and forwards she would be so vexed and discouraged and would look so unhappy that it gave me pain to see her bright face clouded and for me and i would go softly to her and say what s the matter would look up hopelessly and reply they won t come right they make my head ache so and they won t do anything i want then i would say now let us try together let me show you then i would commence a practical demonstration to which would pay profound attention perhaps for five minutes when she would begin to be dreadfully tired and would the subject by curling my hair or trying the effect of my face with my shirt collar turned down if i checked this and persisted she would look so scared and as she became more and more bewildered that the remembrance of her natural gaiety when i first strayed into her path and of her being my child wife would come reproachfully upon me and i would lay the pencil down and call for the i had a great deal of work to do and had many anxieties but the same considerations made me keep them to myself i am far from sure now that it was right to do this but i did it for my child wife s sake i search my breast and i commit its secrets if i know them the personal history and experience any to this paper the old unhappy loss or want of something had i am conscious some place in my heart but not to the of my life when i walked alone in the fine and thought of the summer days when all the air had been filled with my boyish enchantment i did miss something of the of my dreams but i thought it was a softened glory of the past which nothing could have thrown upon the present time i did feel sometimes for a little while
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that i could have wished my wife had been my had had more character and purpose to sustain me and improve me by had been endowed with power to fill up the void which somewhere seemed to be about me but i felt as if this were an of my happiness that never had been meant to be and never could have been i was a boyish husband as to years i had known the softening influence of no other sorrows or experiences than those recorded in these leaves if i did any wrong as i may have done much i did it in mistaken love and in my want of wisdom i write the exact truth it would ay ail me nothing to it now thus it was that i took upon myself the toils and cares of our life and had no partner in them we lived much as before in reference to our household arrangements but i had got used to those and i was pleased to see was seldom vexed now she was bright and cheerful in the old childish way loved me dearly and was happy with her old trifles when the were heavy i mean as to length not quality for in the last respect they were not often otherwise and i went home late would never rest when she heard my footsteps but would always come down stairs to meet me when my evenings were by the pursuit for which i had qualified myself with so much pains and was engaged in writing at home she would sit quietly near me however late the hour and be so mute that i would often think she had dropped asleep but generally when i raised my head i saw her blue eyes looking at me with the quiet attention of which i have already en oh what a weary boy said one night when i met her eyes as i was shutting up my desk what a weary girl said t that s more to the purpose you must go to bed another time my love it s far too late for you no don t send me to bed pleaded coming to my side pray don t do that to my amazement she was sobbing on my neck not well my dear not happy yes quite well and very happy said but say you let me stop and see you write why what a sight for such bright eyes at midnight i replied are they bright though returned laughing i m so glad they re bright little vanity said i but it was not vanity it was only harmless delight in my admiration i knew that very well before she told me so op david if you think them pretty say i may always stop and see you write said bo you think them pretty very pretty then let me always stop and see you write i am afraid that won t improve their brightness yes it will because you clever boy you not forget me then while you are full of silent fancies will you mind it if i say something very very silly more than usual inquired peeping over my shoulder into my face what wonderful thing is that said i please let me hold the pens said i want to have something to do with all those many hours when you are so industrious may i hold the pens the remembrance of her pretty joy when i said yes brings tears into my eyes the next time i sat down to write and regularly afterwards she sat in her old place with a spare bundle of pens at her side her triumph in this with my work and her delight when i wanted a new pen which i very often feigned to do suggested to me a new way of pleasing my child wife i occasionally made a pretence of wanting a page or two of manuscript copied then was in her glory the preparations she made for this great work the she put on the she borrowed from the kitchen to keep off the ink the time she took the innumerable she made to have a laugh with as if he understood it all her conviction that her work was unless she signed her name at the end and the way in which she would bring it to me like a school copy and then when i praised it clasp me round the neck are touching recollections to me simple as they might appear to other men she took possession of the keys soon after this and went about the house with the whole bunch in a little basket tied to her slender waist i seldom found that the places to which they belonged were locked or that they were of any use except as a for but was pleased and that pleased me she was quite satisfied that a good deal was effected by this make belief of housekeeping and was as merry as if we had been keeping a baby house for a joke so we went on was hardly less affectionate to my aunt than to me and often told her of the time when she was afraid she was a cross old thing i never saw my aunt more to anyone she though never responded listened day after day to the though i am afraid she had no taste for music never attacked the though the temptation must have been severe went wonderful distances on foot to purchase as surprises any trifles that she found out wanted and never came in by the garden and missed her from the room but she would call out at the foot of the stairs in a voice that sounded cheerfully all over the house where s little blossom the personal history and experience mr dick my aunt s tt was some time now
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since i had left the doctor living in his neighbourhood i saw him frequently and we all went to his house on two or three occasions to dinner or tea the old soldier was in permanent quarters under the doctor s roof she was exactly the same as ever and the same immortal hovered over her cap like some other mothers whom i have known in the course of my life mrs was far more fond of pleasure than her daughter was she required a great deal of amusement and like a deep old soldier pretended in consulting her own inclinations to be herself to her child the doctor s desire that should be entertained was therefore particularly acceptable to this excellent parent who expressed approval of his discretion i have no doubt indeed that she the doctor s wound without knowing it meaning nothing but a certain and selfishness not always inseparable from full blown years i think she confirmed him in his fear that he was a upon his young wife and that there was no of feeling between them by so strongly his design of the load of her life my dear soul she said to him one day when i was present you know there is no doubt it would be a little for to be always shut up here the doctor nodded his benevolent head when she comes to her mother s age said mrs with a flourish of her fan then it be another thing you might put me into a jail with genteel society and a rubber and i should never care to come out i am not you know and is not her mother surely surely said the doctor you are the best of creatures no i beg your pardon for the doctor made a gesture of i must say before your face as i always say behind your back you are the best of creatures but of course you don t now do you enter into the same pursuits and fancies as no said the doctor in a sorrowful tone no of course not retorted the old soldier take your dictionary for example what a useful work a dictionary is what a necessary work the of words without doctor johnson or somebody of that sort we might have been at this present moment calling an a but we can t expect a dictionary especially when it s making to interest can we the doctor shook his head and that s why i so much approve said mrs tapping him on the shoulder with her shut up fan of your it shows that you don t expect as many elderly people do expect old of david heads on young shoulders you have studied s character and you understand it that s what i find so charming even the calm and patient face of doctor strong expressed some little sense of pain i thought under the of these therefore my dear doctor said the soldier giving him several affectionate you may command me at all times and seasons now do understand that i am entirely at your service i am ready to go to all kinds of places and you shall never find that i am tired duty my dear doctor before every consideration in the universe she was as good as her word she was one of those people who can bear a great deal of pleasure and she never in her perseverance in the cause she seldom got hold of the newspaper which she settled herself down in the chair in the house to read through an every day for two hours but she found out something that she was certain would like to see it was in vain for to protest that she was weary of such things her mother s remonstrance always was now my dear i am sure you know better and i must tell you my love that you are not making a proper return for the kindness of doctor strong this was usually said in the doctor s presence and appeared to me to constitute s principal for withdrawing her objections when she made any but in general she resigned herself to her mother and went where the old soldier would it rarely happened now that mr accompanied them sometimes my aunt and were invited to do so and accepted the invitation sometimes only was asked the time had been when i should have been uneasy in her going but reflection on what had passed that former night in the doctor s study had made a change in my i believed that the doctor was right and i had no worse suspicions my aunt rubbed her nose sometimes when she happened to be alone with me and said she couldn t make it out she wished they were happier she didn t think our military friend so she always called the old soldier mended the matter at all my aunt further expressed her opinion that if our military friend would cut off those and give em to the chimney for may day it would look like the beginning of something sensible on her part but her abiding reliance was on mr dick that man had evidently an idea in his head she said and if he could only once pen it up into a corner which was his great he would distinguish himself in some extraordinary manner unconscious of this mr dick continued to occupy precisely the same ground in reference to the doctor and to mrs strong he seemed neither to advance nor to he appeared to have settled into his original foundation like a building and i must confess that my faith in his ever moving was not much greater than if he had been a building but one night when i had been married some months mr dick put his head into the parlor where i was writing
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aunt and home not a word boy he pursued in a whisper leave all the blame with dick simple dick mad dick i have been thinking sir for some time that i was getting it and now i liave got it after what you have said to me i am sure i have got it all right not another word did mr dick utter on the subject but he made a the personal history and experience very telegraph of himself for the next half hour to the great disturbance of my aunt s mind to on me to my surprise i heard no more about it for some two or three weeks though i was sufficiently interested in the result of his a strange gleam of good sense i say nothing of good feeling for that he always exhibited in the conclusion to which he had come at last i began to believe that in the and unsettled state of his mind he had either forgotten his intention or abandoned it one fair evening when was not inclined to go out my aunt and i strolled up to the doctor s cottage it was autumn when there were no to vex the evening air and i remember how the leaves smelt like our garden at as we trod them under foot and how the old unhappy feeling seemed to go by on the sighing wind it was twilight when we reached the cottage mi s strong was just coming out of the garden where mr dick yet lingered busy with his knife helping the gardener to point some the doctor was engaged with some one in his study but the visitor would be gone directly mrs strong said and begged us to remain and see him we went into the drawing room with her and sat down by the darkening window there was never any ceremony about the visits of such old friends and neighbours as we were we had not sat here many minutes when mrs who usually contrived to be in a fuss about something came bustling in with her newspaper in her hand and said out of breath my goodness gracious why didn t you teu me there was some one in the study my dear she quietly ned how could i know that you desired the information ed the information said mrs sinking on the sofa i never had such a turn in au my life have you been to the study then asked been to the study my dear she returned emphatically indeed i have i came upon the amiable creature if you ll imagine my feelings miss and david in the act of making his will her daughter looked round from the window quickly in the act my dear repeated mrs spreading the newspaper on her lap like a table cloth and patting her hands upon it of making his last will and testament the foresight and affection of the dear i must tell you how it was i really must in justice to the darling for he is nothing less tell you how it was perhaps you know miss that there is never a candle in this house until one s eyes are literally falling out of one s head with being stretched to read the paper and that there is not a chair in this house in which a paper can be what call read except one in the study this took me to the study where i saw a light i opened the door in company with the dear doctor were two professional people evidently connected with the law and they were all three standing at the table the darling doctor pen in hand this simply expresses then said the doctor my love attend to the very words this simply expresses then gentlemen the confidence i have in mrs strong and gives her all one of the professional people replied and gives her au of david upon that with the natural feelings of a mother i said good god i your pardon fell over the door step and came away through the little back passage where the is mrs strong opened the window and went out into the where she stood leaning against a pillar but now isn t it miss isn t it david said mrs mechanically following her with her eyes to find a man at doctor strong s time of life with the strength of mind to do this kind of thing it only shows how right i was i said to when doctor strong paid a very flattering visit to myself and made her the subject of a declaration and an offer i said my dear there is no doubt whatever in my opinion with reference to a suitable provision for you that doctor strong will do more than he himself to do here the rang and we heard the sound of the visitors feet as they went out it s all over no doubt said the old soldier after listening the dear creature has signed sealed and delivered and his mind s at rest well it may be what a mind my love i am going to the study my paper for i am a poor creature without news miss david pray come and doctor i was conscious of mr dick s standing in the shadow of the room shutting up his knife when we accompanied her to the study and of my aunt s rubbing her nose violently by the way as a mild vent for her of our military friend but who got first into the study or how mrs settled herself in a moment in her easy chair or how my aunt and i came to be left together near the door unless her eyes were quicker than mine and she held me back i have forgotten if i ever knew this i
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know that we saw the doctor before he saw us sitting at his table among the volumes in which he delighted resting his head calmly on his hand that in the same moment we saw mrs strong glide in pale and trembling that mr dick supported her on his arm that he laid his other hand upon the doctor s arm causing him to look up with an abstracted air that as the doctor moved his head his wife dropped down on one knee at his feet and with her hands lifted fixed upon his face the memorable look i had never forgotten that at this sight mrs dropped the newspaper and stared more like a figure head intended for a ship to be called the astonishment than anything else i can think of the gentleness of the doctor s manner and surprise the dignity that mingled with the attitude of his wife the amiable concern of mr dick and the earnestness with which my aunt said to herself thai man mad triumphantly expressive of the misery from which she had saved him i see and hear rather than remember as i write about it doctor said mr dick what is it that s amiss look here cried the doctor not at my feet my dear yes she said i beg and pray that no one will leave the room oh my husband and father break this long silence let us both know what it is that has come between us mrs by this time recovering the power of speech and seeming to swell with family pride and indignation here h h the personal and experience exclaimed get np immediately and don t disgrace everybody belonging to you by yourself like that unless you wish to see me go out of my mind on the spot returned waste no words on me for my appeal is to my husband and even you are nothing here nothing exclaimed mrs me nothing the child has taken leave of her senses please to get me a glass of water i was too attentive to the doctor and his wife to give any heed to this request and it made no impression on anybody else so mrs panted stared and herself said the doctor tenderly taking her in his hands my dear if any change has come in the of time upon our married life you are not to blame the fault is mine and only mine there is no change in my affection admiration and respect i wish to make you happy i truly love and honor you pray but she did not rise after looking at him for a little while she sank down closer to him laid her arm across his knee and dropping her head upon it said if i have any friend here who can speak one word for me or for my husband in this matter if i have any friend here who can give a voice to any suspicion that my heart has sometimes whispered to me if i have any friend here who honors my husband or has ever cared for me and has anything within his knowledge no matter what it is that may help to between us i that friend to speak there was a profound silence after a few moments of painful hesitation i broke the silence mrs strong i said there is something within my knowledge which i have been earnestly entreated by doctor strong to conceal and have concealed until to night but i believe the time has come when it would be mistaken faith and delicacy to conceal it any longer and when your appeal me from his she turned her face towards me for a moment and i knew that i was right i could not have resisted its entreaty if the assurance that it gave me had been less convincing our future peace she said may be in your hands i trust it confidently to your not anything i know beforehand that nothing you or any one can tell me will show my husband s noble heart in any other light than one it may seem to you to touch me disregard that i will speak for myself before him and before god afterwards thus earnestly i made no reference to the doctor for his permission but without any other compromise of the truth than a little softening of the of related plainly what had passed in that same room that night the staring of mrs during the whole and the shrill sharp with which she occasionally interrupted it defy description when i had finished remained for some few moments silent with her head bent down as i have described then she took the doctor s hand he was sitting in the same attitude as when we had entered the room and pressed it to her breast and kissed it mr dick op david softly raised her and she stood when she began to speak leaning on him and looking down upon her husband from whom she never turned her eyes all that has ever been ia my mind since i was married she said in a low tender voice i will lay bare before you i could not live and have one knowing what i know now nay said the doctor mildly i have never doubted you my child there is no need indeed there is no need my dear there is great need she answered in the same way that i should open my whole heart before the soul of generosity and truth whom year by year and day by day i have loved and more and more as heaven knows interrupted mrs if i have any discretion at which you haven t you observed my aunt in an indignant whisper i must be permitted to observe that it cannot be requisite to enter into these details no one but my husband can
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judge of that said without removing her eyes from his face and he will hear me if i say anything to give you pain forgive me i have borne pain first often and long myself upon my word gasped mrs when i was very young said quite a little child my first associations with knowledge of any kind were inseparable from a patient friend and teacher the friend of my dead father who was always dear to me i can remember nothing that i know without remembering him he stored my mind with its first treasures and stamped his character upon them all they never could have been i think as good as they have been to me if i had taken them from any other hands makes her mother nothing exclaimed mrs not so said but i make him what he was i must do that as i grew up he occupied the same place still i was proud of his interest deeply fondly gratefully attached to him i looked up to him i can hardly describe how as a father as a guide as one whose praise was different from all other praise as one in whom i could have trusted and confided if i had doubted all the world you know how young and inexperienced i was when you presented him before me of a sudden as a lover i have mentioned the fact fifty times at least to everybody here said mrs then hold your tongue for the lord s sake and don t mention it any more muttered my aunt it was so great a change so great a loss i felt it at first said stiu preserving the same look and tone that i was agitated and distressed i was but a girl and when so great a change came in the character in which i had so long looked up to him i think i was sorry but nothing could have made him what he used to be again and i was proud that he should think me so worthy and we were married at saint observed mrs h h the personal history and experience confound the woman said my aunt she be quiet i never thought proceeded with a heightened color of any worldly gain that my husband would bring to me my young heart had no room in its homage for any such poor reference forgive me when i say that it was you who first presented to my mind the thought that any one could wrong me and wrong him by such a cruel suspicion me cried mrs ah you to be sure observed my aunt and you can t fan it away my military friend it was the first of my new life said it was the first occasion of every unhappy moment i have known those moments have been more of late than i can count but not my generous husband not for the reason you suppose for in my heart there is not a thought a recollection or a hope that any power could separate from you she raised her eyes and clasped her hands and looked as beautiful and true i thought as any the doctor looked on her henceforth as as she on him is she went on of having ever urged you for herself and she is in intention i am sure but when i saw how many claims that were no claims were pressed upon you in my name how you were on in my name how generous you were and how mr who had your welfare very much at heart resented it the first sense of my exposure to the mean suspicion that my tenderness was bought and sold to you of all men on earth fell upon me like disgrace in which i forced you to i cannot tell you what it was cannot imagine what it was to have this dread and trouble always on my mind yet know in my own soul that on my marriage day i crowned the love and honor of my life a specimen of the thanks one gets cried mrs in tears for taking care of one s family i wish i was a i wish you were with all my heart and in your native country said my aunt it was at that time that was most about my cousin i had liked him she spoke softly but without any hesitation very much we had been little lovers once if circumstances had not happened otherwise i might have come to persuade myself that i really loved him and might have married him and been most wretched there can be no like of mind and purpose i pondered on those words even while i was attending to what followed as if they had some particular interest or some strange application that i could not divine there can be no in marriage like of mind and purpose no in marriage like of mind and purpose is nothing said that we have in common i have long found that there is nothing if i were thankful to my husband for no more instead of for so much i should be thankful to him for having saved me from the first mistaken impulse of my heart she stood quite still before the doctor and spoke with an earnestness that thrilled me yet her voice was just as quiet as before i of david when he was waiting to be the object of your so freely bestowed for my sake and when i was unhappy in the shape i was made to wear i thought it would have become him better to have worked his own way on i thought that if i had been he i would have tried to do it at the cost of almost any hardship but i thought no worse
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