text
stringlengths 1.96k
5.76k
| author
int64 1
50
|
|---|---|
of him until the night of his departure for india that night i knew he had a false and heart i saw a double meaning then in mr s scrutiny of me i perceived for the first time the dark suspicion that my life suspicion said the doctor no no no in your mind there was none i know my husband she returned and when i came to you that night to lay down all my load of shame and grief and knew that i had to tell that underneath your roof one of my own kindred to whom you had been a benefactor for the love of me had spoken to me words that should have found no utterance even if i had been the weak and wretch he thought me my mind from the taint the very tale conveyed it died upon my lips and from that hour till now has never passed them mrs with a short groan leaned back in her easy chair j and retired behind her fan as if she were never coming out any more i have never but in your presence a word with him from that time then only when it has been necessary for the of this explanation years have passed since he knew from me what his situation here was the you have secretly done for his advancement and then disclosed to me for my surprise and c have been you will believe but of the and burden of my secret she sunk down gently at the doctor s feet though he did his utmost to prevent her and said looking up into his face do not speak to me yet let me say a little more eight or wrong if this were to be done again i think i should do just the same you never can know what it was to be devoted to you with those old associations to find that any one could be so hard as to suppose that the truth of my heart was away and to be surrounded by appearances that belief i was very young and had no adviser between and me in all relating to you there was a wide division if i shrunk into myself hiding the i had undergone it was because i honored you so much and so much wished that you should honor me my pure heart said the doctor my dear girl a little more a very few words more i used to think there were so many whom you might have married who would not have brought such charge and trouble on you and who would have made your home a home i used to be afraid that i had better have remained your pupil and almost your child i used to fear that i was so to your learning and wisdom if all this made me shrink within myself as indeed it did when i had that to teu it was still because i honored you so much and hoped that you might one day honor me that day has shone this long time said the doctor and can have but one long night my dear another word i afterwards meant meant and to myself to bear the whole weight of knowing one to whom the and you had been so good and now a last word dearest and best of friends the cause of the late change in you which i have seen with so much pain and sorrow and have sometimes referred to my old apprehension at other times to lingering nearer to the truth has been made clear to night and by an accident i have also come to know to night the full measure of your noble trust in me even under that mistake i do not hope that any love and duty i may render in return will ever make me worthy of your confidence but with all this knowledge fresh upon me i can lift my eyes to this dear face as a father s loved as a husband s sacred to me in my childhood as a friend s and solemnly declare that in my thought i have never wronged you never wavered in the love and the fidelity i owe you she had her arms around the doctor s neck and he his head down over her mingling his grey hair with her dark brown oh hold me to your heart my husband never cast me out do not think or speak of between us for there is none except in all my many every succeeding year i have known this better as i have esteemed you more and more oh take me to your heart my husband for my love was founded on a rock and it in the silence that ensued my aunt walked gravely up to mr dick without at all hurrying herself and gave him a and a sounding kiss and it was very fortunate with a view to his credit that she did so for i am confident that i detected him at that moment in the act of making preparations to stand on one leg as an appropriate expression of delight you are a very remarkable man dick said my aunt with an air of approbation and never pretend to be anything else for i know better with that ray aunt pulled him by the sleeve and nodded to me and we three stole quietly out of the room and came away that s a for our military friend at any rate said my aunt on the way home i should sleep the better for that if there was nothing else to be glad of she was quite overcome i am afraid said mr dick with great what did you ever see a overcome inquired my aunt i don t think i ever saw a returned mr dick mildly there never would have been
| 8 |
anything the matter if it hadn t been for that old animal said my aunt with strong emphasis it s very much to be wished that some mothers would leave their daughters alone after marriage and not be so violently they seem to think the only return that can be made them for bringing an unfortunate young woman into the world god bless my soul as if she asked to be brought or wanted to come is full liberty to worry her out of it again what are you thinking of trot i was thinking of all that had been said my mind was still running on some of the expressions used there can be no in marriage like of mind and purpose the first mistaken impulse of an heart my love was founded on a rock but we were at home and the trodden leaves were lying under foot and the autumn wind was blowing of david intelligence i must have been married if i may trust to my imperfect memory for dates about a year or so when one evening as i was returning from a solitary walk thinking of the book i was then writing for my success had steadily increased with my steady application and i was engaged at that time upon my first work of fiction i came past mrs s house i had often passed it before during my residence in that neighbourhood though when i could choose another road it did sometimes happen that it was not easy to find another without making a long circuit and so i had passed that way upon the whole pretty often i had never done more than glance at the house as i went by with a quickened step it had been uniformly gloomy and dull none of the best rooms on the road and the narrow heavily framed never cheerful under any circumstances looked very dismal close shut and with their blinds always drawn down there was a covered way across a little paved court to an entrance that was never used and there was one round staircase window at odds with all the rest and the only one by a blind which had the same blank look i do not remember that i ever saw a light in all the house if i had been a casual by i should have probably supposed that some person lay dead in it if i had happily possessed no knowledge of the place and had seen it often in that state i should have pleased my fancy with many ingenious i dare say as it was i thought as little of it as i might but my mind could not go by it and leave it as my body did and it usually awakened a long train of meditations coming before me on this particular evening that i mention mingled with the childish recollections and later fancies the ghosts of half formed hopes the broken shadows of disappointments dimly seen and understood the of experience and imagination to the occupation with which my thoughts had been busy it w as more than commonly suggestive i fell into a brown study as i walked on and a voice at my side made me start it was a woman s voice too i w as not long in mrs s little parlor maid who had formerly worn ribbons in her cap she had taken them out now to herself i suppose to the altered character of the house and wore but one or two bows of sober brown if you please would you have the goodness to walk in and speak to miss has miss sent you for me i inquired not to night sir but it s just the same miss saw you pass a night or two ago and i was to sit at work on the staircase and when i saw you pass again to ask you to step in and speak to her the personal history and experience i turned back and inquired of my conductor as we went along how mrs was she said her lady was but poorly and kept her own room a good deal when we arrived at the house i was directed to miss in the garden and left to make my presence known to her myself she was sitting on a seat at one end of a kind of terrace overlooking the great city it was a sombre evening with a lurid light in the sky and as i saw the prospect in the distance with here and there some larger object starting up into the sullen glare i fancied it was no companion to the memory of this fierce woman she saw me as i advanced and rose for a moment to receive me i thought her then still more and thin than when i had seen her last the flashing eyes still brighter and the still our meeting was not cordial we had parted angrily on the last occasion and there was an air of disdain about her which she took no pains to conceal i am told you wish to speak to me miss said i standing near her with my hand upon the back of the seat and declining her gesture of invitation to sit down if you please said she pray has this girl been found no and yet she has run away i saw her thin lips working while she looked at me as if they were eager to load her with reproaches run away i repeated yes from him she said with a laugh if she is not found perhaps she never will be found she may be dead the cruelty with which she met my glance i never saw expressed in any other face that ever i have seen to wish her dead said i may be the kindest wish that one of her own sex
| 8 |
could bestow upon her i am glad that time has softened you so much miss she condescended to make no reply but turning on me with another scornful laugh said the friends of this excellent and much injured young lady are friends of yours you are their champion and assert their rights do you wish to know what is known of her yes said i she rose with an ill favored smile and taking a few steps towards a wall of that was near at hand dividing the lawn from a said in a louder voice come here as if she were calling to some beast you will restrain any or vengeance in this place of course mr said she looking over her shoulder at me with the same expression i inclined my head without knowing what she meant and she said come here again and returned followed by the respectable mr who with respectability made me a bow and took up his position behind her the air of wicked grace of triumph in op david which strange to say there was yet something feminine and with which she upon the seat between us and looked at me was worthy of a cruel princess in a legend now said she without glancing at him and touching the old wound as it perhaps in this instance with pleasure rather than pain tell mr about the flight mr james and myself ma am don t address yourself to me she interrupted with a frown mr james and myself sir nor to me if you please said i mr without being at all signified by a slight that anything that was most agreeable to us was most agreeable to him and began again mr james and myself have been abroad with the young woman ever since she left under mr james s protection we have been in a variety of places and seen a deal of foreign country we have been in france italy in fact almost all parts he looked at the back of the seat as if he were addressing himself to that and softly played upon it with his hands as if he were striking upon a dumb piano mr james took quite uncommonly to the young woman and was more settled for a length of time than i have known him to be since i have been in his service the young woman was very and spoke the languages and wouldn t have been known for the same i noticed that she was much admired wherever we went miss put her hand upon her side i saw him steal a glance at her and slightly smile to himself very much admired indeed the young woman was what with her dress what with the air and sun what with being made so much of what with this that and the other her merits really attracted general notice he made a short pause her eyes wandered over the distant prospect and she bit her lip to stop that busy mouth taking his hands from the seat and placing one of them within the other as he settled himself on one leg mr proceeded with his eyes cast down and his respectable head a little advanced and a little on one side the young woman went on in this manner for some time being occasionally low in her spirits until i think she began to weary mr james by giving way to her low spirits and of that kind and things were not so comfortable mr james he began to be restless again the more restless he got the worse she got and i must say for myself that i had a very difficult time of it indeed between the two still matters were patched up here and made good there over and over again and altogether lasted i am sure for a longer time than anybody could have expected her eyes from the distance she looked at me again now with her former air clearing his throat behind his hand with a respectable short cough changed legs and went on at last when there had been upon the whole a good many words the history and experience and mr james he set off one morning from the neighbourhood of where we had a villa the young woman being very partial to the sea and under pretence of coming back in a day or so left it in charge with me to break it out that for the general happiness of all concerned he was here an interruption of the short cough gone but mr james i must say certainly did behave extremely honorable for he proposed that the young woman should marry a very respectable person who was fully prepared to overlook the past and who was at least as good as anybody the young woman could have to in a regular way her being very common he changed legs again and his lips i was convinced that the scoundrel spoke of himself and i saw my conviction reflected in miss s face this i also had it in charge to communicate i was willing to do anything to relieve mr james from his difficulty and to restore harmony between himself and an affectionate parent who has undergone so much on his account therefore i undertook the commission the young woman s violence when she came to after i broke the fact of his departure was beyond all expectations she was quite mad and had to be held by force or if she couldn t have got to a knife or got to the sea she d have beaten her head against the marble floor miss leaning back upon the seat with a light of exultation in her face seemed almost to caress the sounds this fellow had uttered but when i came to the second part of what had been to me said mr rubbing his hands
| 8 |
at all afraid of going wherever i may wish sir with that he made me a polite bow and with another to miss went away through the arch in the wall of by which he had come miss and i regarded each other for a little while in silence her manner being exactly what it was when she had produced the man he says besides she observed with a slow curling of her lip that his master as he hears is spain and this done is away to gratify his tastes till he is weary but that is of no interest to you between these two proud persons mother and son there is a wider breach than before and little hope of its healing for they are one at heart and time makes each more obstinate and imperious neither is this of any interest to you but it what i wish to say this devil whom you make an angel of i mean this low girl whom he picked out of the tide mud with her black eyes full upon me and her passionate finger up may be alive for i believe some common things are hard to die if she is you will desire to have a pearl of such price found and taken care of we desire that too that he may not by any chance be made her prey again so far we are united in one interest and that is why i who would do her any mischief that so coarse a wretch is capable of feeling have sent for you to hear what you have heard i saw by the change in her face that some one was advancing behind me it was mrs who gave me her hand more coldly than of and with an of her former of manner but still i perceived and i was touched by it with an remembrance of my old love for her son she was greatly altered her fine figure was far less upright her handsome face was deeply marked and her hair was almost white bat when she sat down on the seat she was a handsome lady still and well i knew the bright eye with its lofty look that had been a light in my very dreams at school is mr informed of everything yes and has he heard himself yes i have told him why you wished it of david you are a good girl i have had some slight correspondence with your former friend sir addressing me but it has not restored his sense of duty or natural obligation therefore i have no other object in this than what has mentioned if by the course which may relieve the mind of the decent man you brought here for whom i am sorry i can say no more my son may be saved from again falling into the of a enemy well she drew herself up and sat looking straight before her far away madam i said respectfully i understand i assure you i am in no danger of putting any strained construction on your motives but i must say even to you having known this injured family from childhood that if you suppose the girl so deeply wronged has not been cruelly and would not rather die a hundred deaths than take a cup of water from your son s hand now you cherish a terrible mistake well well said mi s as the other was about to it is no matter let it b e you are married sir i am told i answered that i had been some time married and are doing well i hear little in the quiet life i lead but i understand you are beginning to be famous i have been very fortunate i said and find my name connected with some praise you have no mother in a softened voice no it is a pity she returned she would have been proud of you good night i took the hand she held out with a dignified air and it was as calm in mine as if her breast had been at peace her pride could still its very it appeared and draw the placid veil before her face through which she sat looking straight before her on the far distance as i moved away from them along the terrace i could not help observing how steadily they both sat gazing on the prospect and how it and closed around them here and there some early lamps were seen to twinkle in the distant city and in the eastern quarter of the sky the lurid light still hovered but from the greater part of the broad valley interposed a mist was rising like a sea which mingling with the darkness made it seem as if the gathering waters would them i have reason to remember this and think of it with awe for before i looked upon those two again a stormy sea had risen to their feet on what had been thus told me i felt it right that it should be communicated to mr on the following evening i went into london in quest of him he was always wandering about from place to place with his one object of recovering his niece before him but was more in london than elsewhere often and often now had i seen him in the dead of night passing along the streets searching among the few who out of doors at those hours for what he dreaded to find he kept a lodging over the little s shop in market which i have had occasion to mention more than once and from which he first went forth upon his errand of mercy hither i directed my walk the personal history and experience on making inquiry for him i learned from the people of the house that he had not gone out yet
| 8 |
and i should find him in his room up stairs he was sitting reading by a window in which he kept a few plants the room was very neat and orderly i saw in a moment that it was always kept prepared for her reception and that he never went out but he thought it possible he might bring her home he had not heard my tap at the door and only raised his eyes when i laid my hand upon his shoulder r sir hearty for this visit sit ye down you re kindly welcome sir mr said i taking the chair he handed me don t expect much i have heard some news of em ly he put his hand in a nervous manner on his mouth and turned pale as he fixed his eyes on mine it gives no clue to where she is but she is not with him he sat down looking intently at me and listened in profound silence to all i had to tell i well remember the sense of dignity beauty even with which the patient gravity of his face impressed me when having gradually removed his eyes from mine he sat looking downward leaning his forehead on his hand he offered no interruption but remained throughout perfectly still he seemed to pursue her figure through the narrative and to let every other shape go by him as if it were nothing when i had done he shaded his face and continued silent i looked out of the window for a little while and occupied myself with the plants how do you fare to feel about it r he inquired at length i think that she is living i replied i t know maybe the st shock was too rough and in the of her art that there blue water as she used to speak on could she have o that so many year because it was to be her grave he said this musing in a low frightened voice and walked across the little room and yet he added r i have felt so sure as she was living i have d awake and sleeping as it was so that i should find her i have been so led on by it and held up by it that i t believe i can have been deceived no em ly s alive he put his hand down firmly on the table and set his face into a resolute expression my niece em ly is alive sir he said i t know it comes from or how tis but am told as she s alive he looked almost like a man inspired as he said it i waited for a few moments until he could give me his attention and then proceeded to explain the precaution that it had occurred to me last night it would be wise to take now my dear friend i began kind sir he said grasping my hand in both of his of david if she should make her way to london which is likely for where could she lose herself so readily as in this vast city and what would she wish to do but lose and hide herself if she does not go home and she won t go home he interposed shaking his head if she had left of her own accord she might not as twas sir if she should come here said i i there is one person here more likely to discover her than any other in the world do you remember hear what i say with fortitude think of your great object do you remember of our town i needed no other answer than his face do you know that she is in london i have seen her in the streets he answered with a shiver but you don t know said i that was charitable to her with ham s help long before she fled from home nor that when we met one night and spoke together in the room yonder over the way she listened at the door r he replied in astonishment that night when it so hard that night i have never seen her since i went back after parting from you to speak to her but she was gone i was unwilling to mention her to you then and i am now but she is the person of whom i speak and with whom i think we should communicate do you understand too well sir he replied we had sunk our voices almost to a whisper and continued to speak in that tone you say you have seen her do you think that you could find her i could only hope to do so by chance i think r i know to look it is dark being together shall we go out now and try to find her tonight he assented and prepared to accompany me without appearing to observe what he was doing i saw how carefully he adjusted the little room put a candle ready and the means of lighting it arranged the bed and finally took out of a drawer one of her dresses i remembered to have seen her wear it neatly folded with some other garments and a bonnet which he placed upon a chair he made no allusion to these clothes neither did i there they had been waiting for her many and many a night no doubt the time was r he said as we came down stairs when i this girl a most like the dirt underneath my em ly s feet god forgive me there s a now as we went along partly to hold him in conversation and partly to satisfy myself i asked him about ham he said almost in the same words as formerly that ham was just the same wearing away his life with
| 8 |
no care for t but never murmuring and liked by au i asked him what he thought ham s state of mind was in reference to the cause of their misfortunes whether he it was dangerous the personal history and experience wliat lie supposed for example ham would do if he and should encounter i t know sir he replied i have of it but i can t myself of it no matters i recalled to his remembrance the morning after her departure when we were all three on the beach do you recollect said i a certain wild way in which he looked out to sea and spoke about the end of it sure i do said he what do you suppose he meant r he replied i ve put the question to myself a o times and never found no answer and s one thing that though he is so pleasant i wouldn t fare to feel comfortable to try and get his mind upon t he never said a to me as warn t as as could be and it ain t likely as he d begin to speak any other ways now but it s fur from being fleet water in his mind where them lays it s deep sir and i can t see down you are right said i and that has sometimes made me anxious and me too r he rejoined even more so i do assure you than his ways though both belongs to the alteration in him i t know as he d do violence under any but i hope as them two may be we had come through temple bar into the city conversing no more now and walking at my side he yielded himself up to the one aim of his devoted life and went on with that hushed of his faculties which would have made his figure solitary in a multitude we were not far from bridge when he turned his head and pointed to a solitary female figure flitting along the opposite side of the street i knew it readily to be the figure that we sought we crossed the road and were pressing on towards her when it occurred to me that she might be more disposed to feel a woman s interest in the lost girl if we spoke to her in a place aloof from the crowd and where we should be less observed i advised my companion therefore that we should not address her yet but follow her consulting in this likewise an indistinct desire i had to know where she went he we followed at a distance never losing sight of her but never caring to come very near as she frequently looked about once she stopped to listen to a of music and then we stopped too she went on a long way still we went on it was evident from the manner in which she held her course that she was going to some fixed destination and this and her keeping in the busy streets and i suppose the strange fascination in the and mystery of so following any one made me to my first purpose at length she turned into a dull dark street where the noise and crowd were lost and i said we may peak to her now and mending our pace we went after her a h j ji y u a i of david chapter xl vii we were now down in westminster we had turned back to follow her having encountered her coming towards us and westminster abbey was the point at which she passed from the lights and noise of the leading streets she proceeded so quickly when she got free of the two currents of passengers setting towards and from the bridge that between this and the advance she had of us when she struck off we were in the narrow water side street by before we came up with her at that moment she crossed the road as if to avoid the footsteps that she heard so close behind and without looking back passed on even more rapidly a glimpse of the river through a dull where some were for the night seemed to arrest my feet i touched my companion without speaking and we both to cross after her and both followed on that opposite side of the way keeping as quietly as we could in the shadow of the houses but keeping very near her there was and is when i write at the end of that low lying street a little wooden building probably an old house its position is just at that point where the street ceases and the road begins t o lie between a row of houses and the river as soon as she came here and saw the water she stopped as if she had come to her destination and presently went slowly along by the brink of the river looking intently at it all the way here i had supposed that she was going to some house indeed i had vaguely entertained the hope that the house might be in some way associated with the lost l but that one dark glimpse of the river through the had instinctively prepared me for her going no farther the neighbourhood was a dreary one at that time as oppressive sad and solitary by night as any about london there were neither nor houses on the melancholy waste of road near the great blank prison a ditch deposited its mud at the prison walls coarse grass and rank weeds over all the land in the vicinity in one part of houses begun and never finished away in another the ground was with rusty iron monsters of steam wheels pipes sails and i know not what strange objects accumulated by some and in the dust underneath which having sunk into the soil of their
| 8 |
own weight in wet weather they had the appearance of vainly trying to hide themselves the clash and glare of sundry fiery works upon the river side arose by night to disturb everything except the heavy and unbroken smoke that poured out of their chimneys and winding among old wooden piles with a sickly substance clinging to the latter like green hair and the rags of last year s offering rewards for drowned men fluttering above i i the personal history and experience high water mark led down through the and to the ebb tide there was a story that one of the dug for the dead in the time of the great plague was and a influence seemed to have proceeded from it over the whole place or else it looked as if it had gradually into that nightmare condition out of the of the stream she were a part of the refuse it had cast out and left to corruption and decay the girl we had followed strayed down to the river s brink and stood in the midst of this night picture lonely and still looking at the water there were some boats and in the mud and these enabled us to come within a few yards of her without being seen i then signed to mr to remain where he was and emerged from their shade to speak to her i did not approach her solitary figure without trembling for this gloomy end to her determined walk and the way in which she stood almost within the shadow of the iron bridge looking at the lights reflected in the strong tide inspired a dread within me i think she w as talking to herself i am sure although absorbed in gazing at the water that her shawl was off her shoulders and that she was her hands in it in an unsettled and bewildered way more like the action of a sleep than a waking person i know and never can forget that there was that in her wild manner which gave me no assurance but that she would sink before my eyes until i had her arm within my grasp at the same moment i said she uttered a terrified scream and struggled with me with such strength that i doubt if i could have held her alone but a stronger hand than mine was laid upon her and when she raised her frightened eyes and saw whose it was she made but one more effort and dropped down between us we carried her away from the water to where there were some dry stones and there laid her down crying and moaning in a little while she sat among the stones holding her wretched head with both her hands oh the river she cried passionately oh the river hush hush said i calm yourself but she still repeated the same words exclaiming oh the river over and over again i know it s like me she exclaimed i know that i belong to it i know that it s the natural company of such as i am it comes from country places where there was once no harm in it and it through the dismal streets and miserable and it goes away like my life to a great sea that is always troubled and i feel that i must go with it i have never known what despair was except in the tone of those words i can t keep away from it i can t forget it it haunts me day and night it s the only thing in all the world that i am fit for or that s fit for me oh the dreadful river the thought passed through my mind that in the face of my companion as he looked upon her without speech or motion i might have read his niece s history if i had known nothing of it i never saw in of david any painting or reality horror and compassion so l he shook as if he would have fallen and his hand i touched it with my own for his appearance alarmed me was deadly cold she is in a state of frenzy i whispered to him she will speak differently in a little time i don t know what he would have said in answer he made some motion with his mouth and seemed to think he had spoken but he had only pointed to her with his outstretched hand a new burst of crying came upon her now in which she once more hid her face among the stones and lay before us a prostrate image of humiliation and ruin knowing that this state must pass before we could speak to her with any hope i ventured to restrain him when he would have raised her and we stood by in silence until she became more tranquil said i then leaning down and helping her to rise she seemed to want to rise as if with the intention of going away but she was weak and leaned against a boat do you know who this is who is with me she said faintly yes do you know that we have followed you a long way to night she shook her head she looked neither at him nor at me but stood in a attitude holding her bonnet and shawl in one hand without appearing conscious of them and pressing the other clenched against her forehead are you composed enough said i to speak on the subject which so interested you i hope heaven may remember it that snowy night her sobs broke out afresh and she murmured some inarticulate thanks to me for not having driven her away from the door i want to say nothing for myself she said after a few moments i am bad i am lost i have no hope
| 8 |
at all but tell sir she had shrunk away from him if you don t feel too hard to me to do it that i never was in any way the cause of his misfortune it has never been attributed to you i returned earnestly to her earnestness it was you if i don t deceive myself she said in a broken voice that came into the kitchen the night she took such pity on me was so gentle to me didn t shrink away from me like au the rest and gave me such kind help was it you sir it was said i i should have been in the river long ago she said glancing at it with a terrible expression if any wrong to her had been upon my mind i never could have kept out of it a single winter s night if i had not been free of any share in that the cause of her flight is too well understood i said you are innocent of any part in it we thoroughly believe we know oh i might have been much the better for her if i had had a better heart exclaimed the girl with most forlorn regret for she was always good to me she never spoke a word to me but what was pleasant and right is it likely i would try to make her what i am myself knowing ii k the history and experience what i am myself so well when i lost everything that makes life dear the worst of all my thoughts was that i was parted for ever from her mr standing with one hand on the of the boat and his eyes cast down put his disengaged hand before his face and when i heard what had happened before that snowy night from some belonging to our town cried the bitterest thought in all my mind was that the people would remember she once kept company with me and would say i had her when heaven knows i would have died to have brought back her good name long unused to any self control the piercing agony of her remorse and grief was terrible to have died would not have been much what can i say i would have lived she cried i would have lived to be old in the wretched streets and to wander about avoided in the dark and to see the day break on the ghastly lines of houses and remember how the same sun used to shine into my room and wake me once i would have done even that to save her sinking on the stones she took some in each hand and clenched them up as if she would have ground them she into some new posture constantly her arms twisting them before her face as though to shut out from her eyes the little light there was and di her head as if it were heavy with recollections shall i ever do she said fighting thus with her despair how can i go on as i am a solitary curse to myself a living disgrace to one i come near suddenly she turned to my companion stamp upon me kill me when she was your pride you would have thought i had done her harm if i had brushed against her in the street you can t believe why should you a syllable that comes out of my lips it would be a burning shame upon you even now if she and i exchanged a word i don t complain i don t say she and i are i know there is a long long way between us i only say with all my guilt and upon my head that i am gi to her from my soul and love her oh don t think that au the power i had of loving anything is quite worn out throw me away as all the world does kill me for being what i am and having ever known her but don t think that of me he looked upon her while she made this in a wild distracted manner and when she was silent gently raised her said mr god forbid as i should judge you forbid as i of all men should do that my girl you t know half the change that s come in course of time upon me when you think it likely well he paused a moment then went on you t understand how tis that this here gentleman and me has wished to speak to you y ou t understand what tis we has afore us listen now his influence upon her was complete she stood before him as if she were afraid to meet his eyes but her passionate sorrow was quite hushed and mute if you said mr of what passed between i of david r and me th night when it so hard you know as i have been not fur to seek my dear niece my dear niece he repeated steadily she s more dear to me now than ever she was dear afore she put her hands before her face but otherwise remained quiet i have her tell said mi as you was early left and with no friend fur to take in a rough their place maybe you can guess that if you d had such a friend you d have got into a way of being fond of him in course of time and that my niece was daughter like to me as she was silently trembling he put her shawl carefully about her taking it up from the ground for that purpose whereby said he i know both as she would go to the s end with me if she could once see me again and that she would fly to the s
| 8 |
end to keep off seeing me though she ain t no call to doubt my love and t and t he repeated with a quiet assurance of the truth of what he said there s shame steps in and keeps us i read in every word of his plain impressive way of delivering himself new evidence of his thought of this one topic in every feature it presented according to our reckoning he proceeded r s here and mine she is like one day to make her own poor solitary course to london we believe r me and all of us that you are as innocent of everything that has her as the child you ve spoke of her being pleasant kind and gentle to you bless her i knew she was i knew she always was to all you re thankful to her and you love her help us all you can to find her and may heaven reward you she looked at turn hastily and for the first time as if she were doubtful of what he had said will you trust me she asked in a low voice of astonishment full and free said mr to speak to her if i should ever find her shelter her if i have any shelter to divide with her and then without her knowledge come to you and bring you to her she asked hurriedly we both replied together yes she lifted up her eyes and solemnly declared that she would devote herself to this task fervently and faithfully that she would never in it never be diverted from it never it while there was any chance of hope if she were not true to it might the object she now had in life which bound her to something devoid of evil in its passing away from her leave her more forlorn and more despairing if that were possible than she had been upon the river s brink that night and then might all help human and divine her she did not raise her voice above her breath or address us but said this to the night sky then stood profoundly quiet looking at the gloomy water we judged it expedient now to tell her all we knew which i at length she listened with great attention and with a face the personal history and experience that often changed but had the same purpose in all its varying expressions her eyes occasionally filled with tears but those she repressed it seemed as if her spirit were quite altered and she could not be too quiet she asked when all was told where we w ere to be communicated with if occasion should arise under a dull lamp in the road i wrote our two addresses on a leaf of my pocket book which i tore out and gave to her and which she put in her poor bosom i asked her w here she lived herself she said after a pause in no place long it were better not to know mr suggesting to me in a whisper what had already occurred to myself i took out my purse but i could not prevail upon her to accept any money nor could i exact any promise from her that she would do so at another time i represented to her that mr could not be called for one in his condition poor and that the idea of her engaging in this search while depending on her own resources shocked us both she continued steadfast in this particular his influence upon her was equally powerless with mine she gratefully thanked him but remained inexorable there may be work to be got she said i try at least take some assistance i returned until you have tried i could not do what i have promised for money she replied i could not take it if i was starving to give me money would be to take away your trust to take away the object that you have given me to take away the only certain thing that me from the river in the name of the great judge said i before whom you and all of us must stand at his dread time dismiss that terrible idea we can all do some good if we will she trembled and her lip shook and her face was paler as she answered it has been put in your hearts perhaps to save a wretched creature for repentance i am afraid to think so it seems too bold if any good should come of me i might begin to hope for nothing but harm has ever come of my deeds yet i am to be trusted for the first time in a long while with my miserable life on account of what you have given me to try for i know no more and i can say no more again she repressed the tears that had begun to flow and putting out her trembling hand and touching mr as if there were some healing virtue in him went away along the desolate road she had been ill probably for a long time i observed upon that closer opportunity of observation that she was worn and haggard and that her sunken eyes expressed and ance we followed her at a short distance our way lying in the same direction until we came back into the lighted and streets i had such confidence in her declaration that i then put it to mr whether it would not seem in the like her to follow her any further he being of the same mind and equally on her we her to take her own road and took ours which was towards he accompanied me a good part of the way and when we parted with a prayer for the success of this fresh effort there was a new and thoughtful compassion in him that i
| 8 |
was at no loss to interpret it was midnight when i arrived at home i had reached my own gate and was standing listening for the deep bell of saint paul s the sound of of david which i thought had been borne towards me among the of striking i was rather surprised to see that the door of my aunt s cottage was op en and that a faint light iu the entry was across the road thinking that my aunt might have into one of her old and might be watching the progress of some imaginary in the distance i went to speak to her it was with very great surprise that i saw a man standing in her little garden he had a glass and bottle in his hand and was in the act of drinking i stopped short among the thick foliage outside for the moon was up now though obscured and i recognised the man whom i had once supposed to be a delusion of ir dick s and had once encountered with my aunt in the streets of the city he was eating as well as drinking and seemed to eat with a appetite he seemed regarding the cottage too as if it were the first time he had seen it after stooping to put the bottle on the ground he looked up at the windows and looked about though with a covert and impatient air as if he was anxious to be gone the light in the passage was obscured for a moment and my aunt came out she was agitated and told some money into his hand i heard it what s the use of this he demanded i can spare no more returned my aunt then i can t go said he here you may take it back you bad man returned my aunt with great emotion how can you use me so but why do i ask it is because you know how weak i am what have i to do to free myself for ever of your visits but to abandon you to your deserts and why don t you abandon me to my deserts said he ask me why returned my aunt what a heart you must have he stood rattling the money and shaking his head at length he said is this all you mean to give me then it is au i can give you said my aunt y ou know i have had losses and am poorer than i used to be i have told you so having got it why do you give me the pain of looking at you for another moment and seeing what you have become i have become shabby enough if you mean that he said i lead the life of an owl y ou stripped me of the greater part of all i ever had said my aunt y ou closed my heart against the whole world years and years y ou treated me and cruelly go and repent of it don t add new injuries to the long long list of injuries you have done me aye he returned it s all very fine well i must do the best i can for the present i suppose in spite of himself he appeared abashed by my aunt s indignant tears and came out of the garden taking two or three quick steps as if i had just come up i met him at the gate and went in as he came out we eyed one another narrowly in passing and with no favour the personal history and experience aunt said i hurriedly this man alarming you again let me speak to him who is he child returned my aunt taking my arm come in and don t speak to me for ten minutes we sat down in her little parlor my aunt retired behind the round green fan of former days which was on the back of a chair and occasionally wiped her eyes for about a quarter of an hour then she came out and took a seat beside me trot said my aunt calmly it s my husband your husband aunt i thought he had been dead dead to me returned my aunt but living i sat in silent amazement don t look a likely subject for the tender passion said my aunt but tlie time was trot when she believed in that man most entirely when she loved him trot right well when there was no proof of attachment and affection that she would not have given him he repaid her by breaking her fortune and nearly breaking her heart so she put all that sort of sentiment once and for ever in a grave and filled it up and it down my dear good aunt i left him my aunt proceeded laying her hand as usual on the back of mine generously i may say at this distance of time trot that i left him generously he had been so cruel to me that i might have effected a separation on easy terms for myself but i did not he soon made ducks and of what i gave him sank lower and lower married another woman i believe became an adventurer a and a cheat what he is now you see but he was a fine looking man when i married him said my aunt with an echo of her old pride and admiration in her tone and i believed him i was a fool to be the soul of honor she gave my hand a squeeze and shook her head he is nothing to me now trot less than nothing but sooner than have him punished for his as he would be if he about in this country i give him more money than i can afford at intervals when he to go away i w as a fool
| 8 |
w hen i married him and i am so far an fool on that subject that for the sake of what i once believed him to be i wouldn t have even this shadow of my idle fancy hardly dealt with for i was in earnest trot if ever a woman was my aunt dismissed the matter with a heavy sigh and smoothed her dress there my dear she said now you know the beginning middle and end and all about it we won t mention the subject to one another any more neither of course will you mention it to anybody else this is my story and we ll keep it to ourselves trot of david domestic i labored hard at my book without allowing it to interfere with the punctual ge of my newspaper duties and it came out and was very successful i was not stunned by the praise which sounded in my ears notwithstanding that i was keenly alive to it and thought better of my own performance i have little doubt than anybody else did it has always been in my observation of human nature that a man who has any good reason to in himself never himself before the faces of other people in order that they may believe in him this reason i retained my modesty in very self respect and the more praise i got the more i tried to deserve it is not my purpose in this record though in all other it is my written memory to pursue the history of my own they express themselves and i leave them to themselves i refer to them incidentally it is only as a part of my progress having some foundation for believing by this time that nature and accident had made me an author i pursued my with confidence without such assurance i should certainly have left it alone and bestowed my energy on some other endeavour i should have tried to find out what nature and accident really had made me and to be that and nothing else i had been writing in the newspaper and elsewhere so that when my new success was achieved i considered myself reasonably entitled to escape from the dreary one joyful night therefore i noted down the music of the for the last time and i have never heard it since though i still recognise the old in the newspapers without any substantial except perhaps that there is more of it all the i now write of the time when i had been married i suppose about a year and a half after several varieties of experiment we had given up the housekeeping as a bad job the house kept itself and we kept a page the principal function of this was to quarrel with the cook in which respect he was a perfect without his cat or the remotest chance of being made lord mayor he appears to me to have lived in a hail of his whole existence was a le he would shriek for help on the most improper occasions as when we had a little dinner party or a few friends in the evening and would come tumbling out of the kitchen with iron flying after him we wanted to get rid of him but he was very much attached to us and wouldn t go he was a tearful boy and broke into such deplorable when a of our was hinted at that we were obliged to keep him he had no mother no anything in the way of a relative that i could discover except a sister who fled to america the moment we had taken him off her hands and he the history and experience became on us like a horrible young he had a lively perception of his own unfortunate state and was always rubbing his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket or stooping to blow his nose on the extreme comer of a little pocket handkerchief w hich he never would take completely out of his pocket but always and this unlucky page engaged in an evil hour at six pounds ten per was a source of continual trouble to me i watched him as he grew and he grew like scarlet beans with painful apprehensions of the time when he would begin to even of the days when he would be bald or grey i saw no prospect of ever getting rid of him and projecting myself into the future used to think what an inconvenience he would be when he was an old man i never expected anything less than this unfortunate s of getting me out of my difficulty he stole s watch which like everything else belonging to us had no particular place of its own and it into money spent the produce he was always a weak minded boy in incessantly riding up and down between london and outside the coach he was taken to bow street as well as i remember on the completion of his journey when four and sixpence and a second hand which he couldn t play were found upon his person the surprise and its consequences would have been much less disagreeable to me if he had not been penitent but he was very penitent indeed and in a peculiar way not in the lump but by for example the day after that on which i was obliged to appear against him he made certain revelations touching a in the cellar which we believed to be full of wine but which had nothing in it except bottles and we supposed he had now his mind and told the worst he knew of the cook but a day or two afterwards his conscience sustained a new and he disclosed how she had a little girl who early every morning took away our bread and also how he himself had
| 8 |
been to maintain the in coals in two or three days more i was informed by the authorities of his having led to the discovery of of beef among the kitchen stuff and sheets in the rag bag a little while afterwards he broke out in an entirely new direction and confessed to a knowledge of intentions as to our premises on the part of the pot boy who was immediately taken up i got to be so ashamed of being such a victim that i would have given liim any money to hold his tongue or would have offered a round bribe for his being permitted to run away it was an circumstance in the case that he had no idea of tliis but conceived that he was making me amends m every new discovery not to say obligations on my head at last i ran away myself whenever i saw an of the police approaching with some new intelligence and lived a stealthy life until he was tried and ordered to be transported even then he couldn t be quiet but was always writing us letters and wanted so much to see before he went away that went to visit him and fainted when she found herself inside the iron bars in short i had no peace of my life he was and made as i afterwards heard a shepherd of up the country somewhere i have no idea where all this led me into some serious reflections and presented mistakes i of david in a new aspect as i could not help communicating to one evening in spite of my tenderness for her my love said i it is very painful to me to think that our want of system and management not only ourselves which we have got used to but other people you have been silent for a long time and now you are going to be cross said no my dear indeed let me explain to you what i mean i think i don t want to know said but i want you to know my love put down put his nose to mine and said to drive my seriousness away but not succeeding ordered him into his and sat looking at me with her hands folded and a most resigned httle expression of countenance the fact is my dear i began there is in us we about us i might have gone on in this manner if s face had not me that she was wondering with all her might whether i was going to propose any new kind of or other medical remedy for this state of om s therefore i checked myself and made my meaning it is not merely my pet said i that we lose money and comfort and even temper sometimes by not learning to be more careful but that we the serious responsibility of who comes into our service or has any dealings with us i begin to be afraid that the fault is not entirely on one side but that these people au turn out ill because we don t turn out very well ourselves oh what an accusation exclaimed opening her eyes wide to say that you ever saw me take gold watches oh my dearest i remonstrated don t talk preposterous nonsense who has made the least allusion to gold watches you did returned you know you did you said i hadn t turned out well and compared me to him to whom i asked to the page sobbed oh you cruel fellow to compare affectionate wife to a transported page why didn t you tell me your opinion of me before we were married why didn t you say you thing that you were convinced i was worse than a transported page oh what a dreadful opinion to have of me oh my goodness now my love i returned gently trying to remove the handkerchief she pressed to her eyes this is not only very ridiculous of you but very wrong in the first place it s not true you always said he was a story sobbed and now you say the same of me oh what shall i do what shall i do my darling girl i retorted i really must entreat you to be reasonable and listen to what i did say and do say my dear unless we learn to do our duty to those whom we employ they will never learn to do their duty to us i am afraid we present opportunities to people to do wrong that never ought to be presented even if we were as as we are in all our arrangements by choice which we are not even if we liked it the personal history and experience and found it agreeable to be so we don t i am persuaded we should have no right to go on in this way we are positively people we are bound to think of that i can t help thinking of it it is a reflection i am unable to dismiss and it sometimes makes me very uneasy there dear that s all come now don t be foolish would not allow me for a long time to remove the handkerchief she sat sobbing and murmuring behind it that if i was uneasy why had i ever been married why hadn t i said even the day before we went to church that i knew i should be uneasy and i would rather not if i couldn t bear her why didn t i send her away to her at or to in india would be glad to see her and would not call her a transported page never had called her anything of the sort in short was so afflicted and so afflicted me by being in that condition that i felt it was of no use repeating this kind of effort
| 8 |
though never so mildly and i must take some other course what other course was left to take to form her mind this was a common phrase of words which had a fair and promising sound and i resolved to form s mind i began immediate when was very childish and i would have infinitely preferred to humour her i tried to be grave and disconcerted her and myself too i talked to her on the subjects which occupied my thoughts and i read shakespeare to her and fatigued her to the last degree i accustomed myself to giving her as it were quite casually little scraps of useful information or sound opinion and she started from them when i let them off as if they had been no matter how incidentally or naturally i endeavoured to form my little wife s mind i could not help seeing that she always had an instinctive perception of what i was about and became a prey to the keenest apprehensions in particular it was clear to me that she thought shakespeare a terrible the formation went on very slowly i pressed into the service without his knowledge and whenever he came to see us exploded my mines upon him for the of at second hand the amount of practical wisdom i bestowed upon in this manner was immense and of the best quality but it had no other effect upon than to her spirits and make her always nervous with the dread that it would be her turn next i found myself in the condition of a a trap a of always playing spider to s fly and always out of my hole to her infinite disturbance still looking forward through this stage to the time when there should be a perfect sympathy between and me and when i should have formed her mind to my e satisfaction i even for months finding at last however that although i had been all this time a very or all over with determination i had effected nothing it began to occur to me that perhaps s mind was already formed on farther consideration this appeared so likely that i abandoned my scheme which had had a more promising appearance in words than in action henceforth to be satisfied with my child wife and to to change her into nothing else by any process i was heartily tired op david of being sagacious and prudent by myself and of seeing my under restraint so i bought a pretty pair of ear rings for her and a collar for tip and went home one day to make myself agreeable was delighted with the little presents and kissed me joyfully but there was a shadow between us however slight and i had made up mv mind that it should not be there if there must be such a shadow anywhere i would keep it for the future in my own breast i sat down by my wife on the sofa and put the ear rings in her ears and then i told her that i feared we had not been quite as good company lately as we used to be and that the fault was mine which i sincerely felt and which indeed it was the truth is my life said i have been trying to be wise and to make me wise too said timidly haven t you i nodded assent to the pretty inquiry of the raised eyebrows and kissed the parted lips it s of not a bit of use said shaking her head until the rang again you know what a little thing i am and what i wanted you to call me from the first if you can t do so i am afraid you never like me are you sure you don t think sometimes it would have been better to have done what my dear she made no effort to proceed nothing said nothing i repeated she put her arms round my neck and laughed and called herself by her favorite name of a goose and hid her face on my shoulder in such a profusion of curls that it was quite a task to clear them away and see it don t i think it would have been better to have done nothing than to have tried to form my little wife s mind said i laughing at myself is that the question yes indeed i do is that what you have been trying cried oh what a shocking boy but i shall never try any more said i for i love her dearly as she is without a story really inquired creeping closer to me why should i seek to change said i what has been so precious to me for so long y ou never can show better than as your own natural self my sweet and we try no conceited experiments but go back to our old way and be happy and be happy returned yes all day and you won t mind things going a tiny morsel wrong sometimes no no said i we must do the best we can and you won t tell me any more that we make other people bad will you because you know it s so dreadfully cross no no said i it s better for me to be stupid than uncomfortable isn t it said better to be naturally than anything else in the world in the world ah it s a large place she shook her head turned her delighted bright eyes up to mine kissed the personal history and experience me broke into a merry laugh and sprang away to put on s new collar so ended my last attempt to make any change in i had been unhappy in trying it i could not endure my own solitary wisdom i could not reconcile it with her former appeal to
| 8 |
me as my child wife i resolved to do what i could in a quiet way to improve our proceedings myself but i foresaw that my utmost would be very little or i must into the spider again and be for ever lying in wait and the shadow i have mentioned that was not to be between us any more but was to rest wholly on my own heart how did that fall the old unhappy feeling pervaded my life it was deepened if it were changed at all but it was as as ever and addressed me like a strain of sorrowful music faintly heard in the night i loved my wife dearly and i was happy but the happiness i had vaguely anticipated once was not the happiness i enjoyed and there was always something wanting in fulfilment of the compact i have made witb myself to reflect my mind on this paper i again examine it closely and bring its secrets to the light what i missed i still regarded i always regarded as something that had been a dream of my youthful fancy that was incapable of that i was now discovering to be so with some natural pain as all men did that it would have been better for me if my wife could have helped me more and shared the many thoughts in which i had no partner and that this might have been i knew between these two conclusions the one that what i felt was general and the other that it was particular to me and might have been different i balanced curiously with no distinct sense of their opposition to each other when i thought of the airy dreams of youth that are incapable of i thought of the better state preceding manhood that i had and then the contented days with in the dear old house arose before me like of the dead that might have some renewal in another world but never never more could be here sometimes the speculation came into my thoughts what might have happened or what wo have happened if and i had never known each other but she was so with my existence that it was the of all fancies and would soon rise out of my reach and sight like floating in the air i always loved her what i am describing and half awoke and slept again in the recesses of my mind there was no evidence of it in me i know of no influence it had in anything i said or did i bore the weight of all our little cares and all my projects held the pens and we both felt that our shares were adjusted as the case required she was truly fond of me and proud of me and when wrote a few earnest words in her letters to of the pride and interest with which my old friends heard of my growing reputation and read my book as if they heard me speaking its contents read them out to me with tears of joy in her bright eyes and said i was a dear old clever famous boy the first mistaken impulse of an heart those words of david of mis strong s were constantly to me at this time were almost always present to my mind i awoke with them often in the night i remember to have even read them in dreams inscribed upon the walls of houses tor i knew now that my own heart was when it first loved and that if it had been it never could have felt when we were married what it had felt in its secret experience there can be no in mai like of mind and purpose those words i remembered too i had endeavoured to to myself and found it it remained for me to myself to to share with her what i could and be happy to bear on my own shoulders what i must and be happy still this was the discipline to which i tried to bring my heart when i began to think it made my second year much happier than my first and what was better made s life au sunshine but as that year wore on was not strong i had hoped that lighter hands than mine would help to mould her character and that a baby smile upon her breast might change my child wife to a woman it was not to be the fluttered for a moment on the threshold of its little prison and unconscious of took wing then i can run about again as i used to do aunt said i shall make race he is getting quite slow and lazy i suspect my dear said my aunt quietly working by her side he has a worse disorder than that age do you think he is old said astonished oh how strange it seems that should be it s a complaint we are all liable to little one as we get on in life said my aunt cheerfully i don t feel more free from it than i used to be i assure you but said looking at him with compassion even little oh poor fellow i dare say he last a long time yet blossom said my aunt patting on the cheek as she leaned out of her couch to look at who responded by standing on his hind legs and himself in various attempts to scramble up by the head and shoulders he must have a piece of flannel in his house this winter and i shouldn t wonder if he came out quite fresh again with the flowers in the spring bless the little dog exclaimed my aunt if he had as many lives as a cat and was on the point of losing em all he d bark at me with his last breath i believe had helped
| 8 |
him up on the sofa where he really was my aunt to such a furious extent that he couldn t keep straight but himself sideways the more my aunt looked at him the more he reproached her for she had lately taken to spectacles and for some inscrutable reason he considered the glasses personal made him lie down by her with a good deal of persuasion and when he was quiet drew one of his long ears through and through her hand repeating thoughtfully even little oh poor fellow his lungs are good enough said my aunt gaily and his are not at all feeble he has a good many years before him no doubt the personal history and experience but if you want a dog to race with little blossom he has lived too well for that and i give you one thank you aunt said faintly but don t please no said my aunt taking off her spectacles i could nt have any other dog but said it would be so unkind to besides i couldn t be such friends with any other dog but because he wouldn t have known me before i was married and wouldn t have at when he first came to our house i couldn t care for any other dog but i am afraid aunt to be sure said my aunt patting her cheek again you are right you are not offended said are you why what a sensitive pet it is cried my aunt bending over her affectionately to think that i could be offended no no i didn t really think so returned but i am a little tired and it made me silly for a moment i am always a silly little thing you know but it made me more silly to talk about he has known me in all that has happened to me haven t you and i couldn t bear to slight him because he was a little altered could i closer to his mistress and lazily licked her hand you are not so old are you that you ll leave your mistress yet said we may keep one another company a little longer my pretty when she came down to dinner on the sunday and was so glad to see old who always dined with us on sunday we thought she would be running about as she used to do in a few days but they said wait a few days more and then wait a few days more and still she neither ran nor walked she looked very pretty and was very merry but the little feet that used to be so when they danced round were dull and motionless i began to carry her down stairs every morning and upstairs every night she would clasp me round the neck and laugh the while as if i did it for a would bark and round us and go on before and look back on the landing breathing short to see that we were coming my aunt the best and most cheerful of nurses would after us a moving mass of and pillows mr dick would not have his post of candle bearer to any one alive would be often at the bottom of the staircase looking on and taking charge of messages from to the dearest girl in the world we made quite a gay procession of it and my child wife was the there but sometimes when i took her up and felt that she was lighter in my arms a dead blank feeling came upon me as if i were approaching to some frozen region yet unseen that my life i avoided the recognition of this feeling by any name or by any with myself until one night when it was very strong upon me and my aunt had left her with a parting cry of good night little blossom i sat down at my desk alone and cried to think what a fatal name it was and how the blossom withered in its bloom upon the tree of david chapter i am involved in i received one morning by the post the following letter dated and addressed to me at doctors which i read with some surprise my dear sir circumstances beyond my individual control have for a considerable lapse of time effected a of that intimacy which in the limited opportunities to me in the midst of my professional duties of contemplating the scenes and events of the past tinged by the hues of memory has ever afforded me as it ever must continue to afford gratifying emotions of no common description this fact my dear sir combined with the distinguished elevation to which your talents have raised you me from to to the liberty of addressing the companion of my youth by the familiar of it is sufficient to know that the name to which i do myself the honor to refer will ever be among the of our house i allude to the connected with our former preserved by mrs with sentiments of personal esteem to affection it is not for one situated through his original errors and a combination of events as is the bark if he may be allowed to assume so a who now takes up the pen to address you it is not i repeat for one so to adopt the language of or of that he leaves to and to purer hands if your more important should admit of your ever tracing these imperfect characters thus far which may be or may not be as circumstances arise you will naturally inquire by what object am i influenced then in the present allow me to say that i fully to the reasonable character of that inquiry and proceed to it that it is not an object of a pecuniary nature without more directly referring to any latent ability
| 8 |
that may possibly exist on my part of the or directing the devouring and flame in any quarter i may be permitted to observe in passing that my brightest visions are for ever that my peace is shattered and my power of enjoyment destroyed that my heart is no longer in the right place and that i no more walk erect before my fellow man the is in the flower the cup is bitter to the brim the worm is at his work and will soon dispose of his victim the sooner the better but i will not placed in a mental position of peculiar beyond the reach even of mrs s influence though exercised in the character of woman wife and mother it is my intention to k k the personal history and experience fly from myself for a short period and devote a of eight and forty hours to some scenes of past enjoyment among other of domestic tranquillity and peace of mind my feet will naturally tend towards the king s bench prison in stating that i shall be d v on the outside of the south wall of that place of on civil process the day after to mon ow at seven in the evening precisely my object in this communication is accomplished i do not feel in my former friend mr or my former friend mr thomas of the inner temple if that gentleman is still and to condescend to meet me and renew so far as may be our past relations of the time i confine myself to throwing out the observation that at the hour and place i have indicated may be found such ruined as yet of a fallen tower s p s it may be advisable to to the above the statement that mrs is not in confidential possession of my intentions i read the letter over several times making due allowance for s lofty style of composition and for the extraordinary relish with which he sat down and wrote long letters on all possible and impossible occasions i still believed that something important lay hidden at the bottom of this communication i put it down to think about it and took it up again to read it once more and was still pursuing it when found me in the height of my perplexity my dear fellow said i i never was better pleased to see you you come to give me the benefit of your sober judgment at a most time i have received a very singular letter from ir cried you don t say so and i have received one from with that who was flushed with walking and whose hair under the combined effects of exercise and excitement stood on end as if he saw a cheerful ghost produced his letter and made an exchange with me i watched him into the heart of mr s letter and returned the elevation of eyebrows with which he said the or the devouring and flame bless me and then entered on the perusal of mrs s it ran thus my best regards to mr thomas and if he should still remember one who formerly had the happiness of being well acquainted with him may i beg a few moments of his leisure time i assure mr t t that i would not intrude upon his kindness were i in any other position than on the of distraction of david though to myself to mention the of mr formerly so from his wife and family is the cause of my addressing my unhappy appeal to mr and his best indulgence mr t can form no adequate idea of the change in mr s conduct of his of his violence it has o until it the appearance of of intellect scarcely a day passes i assure mr on which some does not take place mr t will not require me to my s when i inform him that i have become accustomed to hear mr assert that he has sold himself to the d mystery and have long been his principal characteristic have long replaced unlimited confidence the slightest provocation even being asked if there is anything he would prefer for dinner causes him to express a wish for a separation last night on being for to buy a local he presented an knife at the i entreat mr to bear with me in entering into these details without them mr t would indeed find it difficult to form the faintest conception of my heart situation may i now venture to confide to mr t the purport of my letter will he now allow me to throw myself on his friendly consideration oh yes for i know his heart the quick eye of affection is not easily blinded when of the female sex mr is going to london though he concealed his hand this morning before breakfast in writing the direction card which he attached to the little brown of happier days the of matrimonial anxiety detected d o n distinctly traced the west end destination of the coach is the golden cross dare i fervently mr t to see my husband and to reason with him dare i ask mr t to endeavour to step in between mr and his family oh no for that would be too much if mr should yet remember one unknown to fame will mr t take charge of my regards and similar entreaties in any case he will have the benevolence to consider this communication strictly and on no account to he alluded to in the presence of mr if mr t should ever reply to it which i cannot but feel to be most improbable a letter addressed to m e post office wiu be with less painful consequences than any addressed immediately to one who herself in extreme distress mi thomas s respectful friend and what do
| 8 |
you think of that letter said casting his eyes upon me when i had read it twice what do you think of the other said i for he was still reading it with brows i think that the two together replied mean more than mr and mrs usually mean in their correspondence but i don t know what they are both written in good faith i have no doubt and without any poor thing he was now alluding k k the personal history and experience to mi s s letter and we were standing side by side comparing tlie two it will be a charity to write to her at all events and tell her that we will not fail to see mr i to this the more readily because i now reproached myself with having treated her former letter rather lightly it had set me thinking a good deal at the time as i have mentioned in its place but my in my own affairs my experience of the family and my hearing nothing more had gradually ended in my the subject i had often thought of the but chiefly to wonder what pecuniary they were establishing in and to recall how shy mr was of me when he became clerk to however i now wrote a comforting letter to mrs in our joint names and we both signed it as we walked into town to post it and i held a long conference and launched into a number of speculations which i need not repeat we took my aunt into our counsels in the afternoon but our only decided conclusion was that we would be very punctual in keeping mr s appointment although we appeared at the place a quarter of an hour before the time we found mr already there he was standing with his arms folded over against the wall looking at the on the top with a sentimental expression as if they were the boughs of trees that had shaded him in his youth when we him his manner was something more confused and something less genteel than of he had his legal suit of black for the purposes of this excursion and wore the old and but not quite with the old air he gradually picked up more and more of it as we conversed with him but his very eye glass seemed to hang less easily and his shirt collar though still of the old formidable dimensions rather drooped gentlemen said mr after the first you are friends in need and friends indeed allow me to offer my inquiries with reference to the physical welfare of mrs in and mrs in that is to say that my friend mr is not yet united to the object of his affections for and for woe w e acknowledged his politeness and made suitable replies he then directed our attention to the wall and was beginning i assure you gentlemen when i ventured to object to that form of address and to beg that he would speak to us in the old way my dear he returned pressing my hand your cordiality me this reception of a shattered fragment of the temple once called man if i may be permitted so to express myself a heart that is an honor to our common nature i was about to observe that i again behold the serene spot where some of the happiest hours of my existence by made so i am sure by mrs said i i hope she is well thank you returned mr whose face clouded at this reference she is but so so and this said mr nodding his head sorrowfully is the bench where for the first time in many revolving op david years the pressure of pecuniary was not proclaimed from day to day by voices declining to the passage where there was no on the door for any to appeal to where personal service of process was not required and were merely lodged at the gate gentlemen said mr when the shadow of that iron work on the summit of the brick structure has been reflected on the gravel of the parade i have seen my children thread the of the intricate pattern avoiding the dark marks i have been familiar with every stone in the place if i betray weakness you will know how to excuse me we have all got on in life since then mr said i mi returned mr bitterly when i was an of that retreat i could look my fellow man in the face and punch his head if he offended me my fellow man and myself are no longer on those glorious terms turning from the building in a downcast manner mr accepted my proffered arm on one side and the proffered arm of on the other and walked away between us there are some observed mr looking fondly back over his shoulder on the road to the tomb which but for the of the a man would wish never to have passed such is the bench in my career oh you are in low spirits mr said i am sir interposed mr i hope said it is not because you have conceived a dislike to the law for i am a lawyer myself you know mr answered not a word how is our friend mr said i after a silence my dear returned mr bursting into a state of much excitement and turning pale if you ask after my employer as i friend i am sorry for it if you ask after him as my friend i smile at it in whatever capacity you ask after my employer i beg without offence to you to limit my reply to this that whatever his state of health may be his appearance is not to say you will allow me as a private individual to decline pursuing a
| 8 |
subject which has lashed me to the utmost verge of desperation in my professional capacity i expressed my regret for having innocently touched upon a theme that roused him so much may i ask said i without any hazard of repeating the mistake how my old friends mr and miss are miss said mr now turning red is as she always is a pattern and a bright example my dear she is the only spot in a miserable existence my respect for that young lady my admiration of her character my devotion to her for her love and truth and goodness take me said mr down a turning for upon my soul in my present state of mind i am not equal to this we wheeled him off into a narrow street where he took out his and stood with his back to a wall if i looked as gravely at him as did he must have found our company by no means it is my fate said mr sobbing but doing the personal history and experience even that with a shadow of the old expression of doing something genteel it is my fate gentlemen that the finer feelings of our nature have become reproaches to me my homage to miss is a flight of arrows in my bosom you had better leave me if you please to walk the earth as a vagabond the worm will settle my business in double quick time without attending to this we stood by until he put up his pocket handkerchief pulled up his shirt collar and to any person in the neighbourhood who might have been observing him a tune with his hat very much on one side i then mentioned not knowing what might be lost if we lost sight of him yet that it would give me great pleasure to introduce him to my aunt if he would ride out to where a bed was at his service you shall make us a glass of your own punch mr said i and forget whatever you have on your mind in pleasanter reminiscences or if confiding anything to friends will be more likely to relieve you you shall impart it to us mr said gentlemen returned mr do with me as you wiu i am a straw upon the surface of the deep and am tossed in all directions by the i beg your pardon i should have said the elements we walked on arm in arm again found the coach in the act of starting and arrived at without any difficulties by the way i was very uneasy and very uncertain in my mind what to say or do for the best so was evidently mr was for the most part plunged into deep gloom he occasionally made an attempt to himself and hum the end of a tune but his into profound melancholy were only made the more impressive by the mockery of a hat exceedingly on one side and a shirt collar pulled up to his eyes we went to my aunt s house rather than to mine because of s not being well my aunt presented herself on being sent for and welcomed mr with gracious cordiality mr kissed her hand retired to the window and pulling out his pocket handkerchief had a mental with himself mr dick was at home he was by nature so exceedingly compassionate of anyone who seemed to be ill at ease and was so quick to find any such person out that he shook hands with mr at least dozen times in five minutes to mr in his trouble this warmth on the part of a stranger was so extremely touching that he could only say on the occasion of each successive shake my dear sir you me which gratified mr dick so much that he went at it again with greater vigor than before the friendliness of this gentleman said mr to my aunt if you will allow me ma am to a figure of speech from the of our national sports floors me to a man who is struggling with a complicated burden of perplexity and such a reception is trying i assure you my friend mi dick replied my aunt proudly is not a common man i of david that i am convinced of said mr my dear sir for mr dick was shaking hands with him again i am deeply sensible of your cordiality how do you find yourself said mr dick with an anxious look indifferent my dear sir returned mr sighing you must keep up your spirits said mr dick and make yourself as comfortable as possible mr was quite overcome by these friendly words and by finding mr dick s hand again within his own it has been my lot he observed to meet in the of human existence with an occasional but never with one so green so as the present at another time i should have been amused by this but i felt that we were all constrained and uneasy and i watched mr so anxiously in his between an evident disposition to reveal something and a counter disposition to reveal nothing that i was in a perfect fever sitting on the edge of his chair with his eyes wide open and his hair more emphatically erect than ever stared by turns at the ground and at mr without so much as attempting to put in a word my aunt though i saw that her observation was concentrated on her new guest had more useful possession of her wits than either of us for she held him in conversation and made it necessary for him to talk whether he liked it or not you are a very old friend of my nephew s mr said my aunt i wish i had had the pleasure of seeing you before madam returned mr i wish i had had
| 8 |
the honor of knowing you at an earlier period i was not always the wreck you at present behold i hope mrs and your family are well sir said my aunt mr inclined his head they are as well ma am he desperately observed after a pause as and can ever hope to be lord bless you sir exclaimed my aunt in her abrupt way what are you talking about the of my family ma am returned mr in the balance my employer here mr left off and began to the that had been under my directions set before him together with all the other he used in making punch your employer you know said mr dick his arm as a gentle my good sir returned mr you recall me i am obliged to you they shook hands again my employer ma am ir once did me the favor to observe to me that if i not in the receipt of the to my engagement with him i should probably be a about the country a sword blade and eating the devouring element for anything that i can perceive to the contrary it is still probable that my children may be reduced to seek a by personal while mrs their unnatural by playing the barrel organ mr with a random but expressive flourish of his knife the personal history and experience signified that these performances might be expected to take place after he was no more then resumed his with a desperate air my aunt leaned her elbow on the little round table that she beside her and eyed him attentively notwithstanding the aversion with which i regarded the idea of him into any disclosure he was not prepared to make voluntarily i should have taken him up at this point but for the strange proceedings in which i saw him engaged whereof his putting the into the kettle the sugar into the the spirit into the empty and confidently attempting to pour boiling water out of a were among the most remarkable i saw that a crisis was at hand and it came he all his means and implements together rose from his chair pulled out his pocket handkerchief and burst into tears my dear said mr behind his handkerchief this is an occupation of all others requiring an mind and self respect i cannot perform it it is out of the question mr said i what is the matter pray speak out you are among friends among friends sir repeated mr and all he had reserved came breaking out of him good heavens it is principally because i am among friends that my state of mind is what it is what is the matter gentlemen what is not the matter is the matter is the matter deception fraud conspiracy are the matter and the name of the whole mass is my aunt clapped her hands and we all started up as if we were possessed the struggle is over said mr violently with his pocket handkerchief and fairly striking out from time to time with both arms as if he were swimming under difficulties will lead this life no longer i am a wretched being cut off from everything that makes life tolerable i have been under a in that infernal scoundrel s service give me back my wife give me back my family substitute for the petty wretch who walks about in the boots at present on my feet and call upon me to a sword to morrow and i do it with an appetite i never saw a man so hot in my life i tried to calm him that we might come to something rational but he got and and wouldn t hear a word i put my hand in no man s hand said mr gasping puffing and sobbing to that degree that he was like a man fighting with cold water until i have blown to fragments the a detestable serpent i partake of no one s hospitality until i have a moved mount to on a the abandoned rascal refreshment a underneath this roof particularly punch would a me unless i had previously the eyes out of the head a of interminable cheat and liar i a i know nobody and a say nothing and a live nowhere until i have crushed to a the and immortal and i really had some fear of mr s dying on the spot the op david manner in which he struggled through these inarticulate sentences and whenever he found himself getting near the name of fought his way on to it dashed at it in a fainting state and brought it out with a vehemence little less than marvellous was frightful but now when he sank into a chair steaming and looked at us with every possible color in his face that had no business there and an endless procession of following one another in hot haste up his throat whence they seemed to shoot into his forehead he had the appearance of being in the last extremity i would have gone to his assistance but he me off and wouldn t hear a word no no communication a until miss a from wrongs inflicted by scoundrel i am quite convinced he could not have uttered three words but for the amazing energy with which this word inspired him when he felt it coming secret a from the whole world a no exceptions this day week a at breakfast time a everybody present including aunt a and extremely friendly gentleman
| 8 |
to be at the hotel at a where mrs and myself in chorus and a will expose intolerable no more to say a or listen to persuasion go immediately not capable a bear society upon the track of devoted and doomed traitor with this last repetition of the magic word that had kept him going at all and in which he surpassed all his previous efforts mr rushed out of the house leaving us in a state of excitement hope and wonder that reduced us to a condition little better than his own but even then his passion for writing letters was too strong to be resisted for while we were yet in the height of our excitement hope and wonder the following pastoral note was brought to me from a neighbouring tavern at which he had called to write it most secret and confidential my dear sir i beg to be allowed to convey through you my apologies to your excellent aunt for my late excitement an explosion of a long suppressed was the result of an internal contest more easily conceived than described i trust i rendered tolerably intelligible my appointment for the morning of this day week at the house of public entertainment at where mrs and myself had once the honor of our voices to yours in the well known strain of the immortal beyond the the duty done and act of performed which can alone enable me to contemplate my fellow mortal i shall be known no more i shall simply require to be deposited in that place of universal resort where each in his narrow cell for ever laid the rude forefathers of the hamlet sleep with the plain inscription the personal history and experience l mr s dream comes true ey this time some months had passed since our interview on the bank of the river with i had never seen her since but she had communicated with mr on several occasions nothing had come of her zealous nor could i infer from what he told me that any clue had ever been obtained for a moment to s fate i confess that i began to despair of her recovery and gradually to sink deeper and deeper into the belief that she was dead his conviction remained unchanged so far as i know and i believe his honest heart was transparent to me he never wavered again in his solemn certainty of finding her his patience never tired and although i trembled for the agony it might one day be to him to have his strong assurance shivered at a blow there was something so religious in it so expressive of its anchor being in the purest depths of his fine nature that the respect and honor in which i held him were exalted every day his was not a lazy that hoped and did no more he had been a man of sturdy action all his life and he knew that in all things wherein he wanted help he must do his own part faithfully and help himself i have known him set out in the night on a that the light might not be by some accident in the window of the old boat and walk to i have known him on reading something in the newspaper that might apply to her take up his stick and go forth on a journey of three or four score miles he made his way by sea to and back after hearing the narrative to which miss had assisted me all his journeys were performed for he was always steadfast in a purpose of saving money for s sake when she should be found in all this long pursuit i never heard him i never heard him say he was fatigued or out of heart had often seen him since our marriage and was quite fond of him i fancy his figure before me now standing near her sofa with his rough cap in his hand and the blue eyes of my child wife raised with a timid wonder to his face sometimes of an evening about twilight when he came to talk with me i would induce him to smoke his pipe in the garden as we slowly paced to and fro together and then the picture of his deserted home and the comfortable air it used to have j in my childish eyes of an evening when the fire was burning and the wind moaning round it came most vividly into my mind one evening at this hour he told me that he had found waiting near his lodging on the preceding night when he came out and that she had asked him not to leave london on any account until he should have seen her again did she tell you why i inquired of david i asked her r he replied but it is but few words as she ever says and she on y got my promise and so went away did she say when you might expect to see her again i demanded no r he returned drawing his hand thoughtfully down his face i asked that too but it was more she said than she could teu as i had long to encourage him with hopes that hung on threads i made no other comment on this information than that i supposed he would see her soon such speculations as it within me i kept to myself and those were faint enough i was walking alone in the garden one evening about a fortnight afterwards i remember that evening well it was the second in mr s week of suspense there had been rain all day and there was a damp feeling in the air the leaves were thick upon the trees and heavy with wet but
| 8 |
the rain had ceased though the sky was still dark and the hopeful birds were singing cheerfully as i walked to and fro in the garden and the twilight began to close around me their little voices were hushed and that peculiar silence which belongs to such an evening in the country when the trees are quite still save for the occasional from their boughs prevailed there was a little green perspective of work and ivy at the side of our cottage through which i could see from the garden where i was walking into the road before the house i happened to turn my eyes towards this place as i was thinking of many things and i saw a figure beyond dressed in a plain cloak it was bending eagerly towards me and said i going to it can you come with me she inquired in an agitated whisper i have been to and he is not at home i wrote down where he was to come and left it on his table with my own hand they said he would not be out long i have tidings for him can you come directly my answer was to pass out at the gate immediately she made a hasty gesture with her hand as if to entreat my patience and my silence and turned towards london whence as her dress she had come on foot i asked her if that were not our destination on her yes with the same hasty gesture as before i stopped an empty coach that was coming by and we got into it when i asked her a here the coachman was to drive she answered anywhere near golden square and quick then shrunk into a corner with one trembling hand before her face and the other making the former gesture as if she could not bear a voice now much disturbed and dazzled with conflicting of hope and dread i looked at her for some explanation but seeing how strongly she desired to remain quiet and feeling that it was my own al inclination too at such a time i did not attempt to break the silence we proceeded without a word being spoken sometimes she glanced out of the as though she thought we were going slowly though indeed we were going fast but otherwise remained exactly as at first we alighted at one of the to the square she had mentioned where i the coach to wait not knowing but that we might have the personal history and experience some occasion for it she laid her hand on my arm and hurried me on to one of the sombre streets of which there are several in that part where the houses were once fair dwellings in the occupation of single families but have and had long into poor lodgings let off in rooms entering at the open door of one of these and my arm she beckoned me to follow her up the common staircase which was like a channel to the street the house with inmates as we went up doors of rooms were opened and people s heads put out and we passed other people on the stairs who were coming down in glancing up from the outside before we entered i had seen women and children at the windows over flower pots and we seemed to have attracted their curiosity for these were principally the who looked out of their doors it was a broad staircase with massive of some dark wood above the doors ornamented with carved fruit and flowers and broad seats in the windows but all these tokens of past grandeur were miserably decayed and dirty rot damp and age had weakened the which in many places was and even some attempts had been made i noticed to new blood into this frame by the costly old wood work here and there with common deal but it was like the marriage of a reduced old noble to a and each party to the ill union shrunk away from the other several of the back windows on the staircase had been darkened or wholly blocked up in those that remained there was scarcely any glass and through the crumbling frames by which the bad air seemed always to come in and never to go out i saw through other windows into other houses in a similar condition and looked down into a wretched yard which was the common dust heap of the mansion we proceeded to the top story of the house two or three times by the way i thought i observed in the indistinct light the skirts of a female figure going up before us as we turned to ascend the last flight of stairs between us and the roof we caught a full view of this figure pausing for a moment at a door then it turned the handle and went in what s this said in a whisper she has gone into my room i don t know her i knew her i had recognised her with amazement for miss i said something to the effect that it was a lady whom i had seen before in a few words to my and had scarcely done so when we heard her voice in the room though not from where we stood what she was saying with an astonished look repeated her former action and softly led me up the stairs and then by a little back door which seemed to have no lock and which she pushed open with a touch into a small empty garret with a low sloping roof little better than a cupboard between this and the room she had called hers there was a small door of communication standing partly open here we stopped breathless with our ascent and she placed her hand lightly on my lips i could only see of the room beyond that it was
| 8 |
pretty large that there was a bed in it and that there were some common pictures of ships upon the walls i could not see miss or the person whom we had her address certainly my companion could not for my position was tht best of david a dead silence prevailed for some moments kept one hand on my lips and raised the other in a listening attitude it matters little to me her not being at home said i know nothing of her it is you i come to see me replied a soft voice at the sound of it a thrill went through my frame for it was s yes returned miss i have come to look at you what you are not ashamed of the face that has done so much the resolute and hatred of her tone its cold stern and its mastered rage presented her before me as if i had seen her standing in the light i saw the flashing black eyes and the figure and i saw the with its white track cutting through her lips quivering and throbbing as she spoke i have come to see she said james s fancy the girl who ran away with him and is the town talk of the commonest people of her native place the bold practised companion of persons like james i want to know what such a thing is like there was a rustle as if the unhappy girl on whom she heaped these ran towards the door and the speaker swiftly interposed herself before it it was succeeded by a moment s pause when miss spoke again it was through her set teeth and with a stamp upon the ground stay there she said or i u proclaim you to the house and the whole street if you try to me i stop you if it s by the hair and raise the very stones against you a frightened was the only reply that reached my ears a silence succeeded i did not know what to do much as i desired to put an end to the interview i felt that i had no right to present myself that it was for mr alone to see her and recover her would he never come i thought impatiently so said with a contemptuous laugh i see her at last why he was a poor creature to be taken by that delicate and that hanging head oh for heaven s sake spare me exclaimed whoever you are you know my pitiable story and for heaven s sake spare me if you would be spared yourself if would be spared returned the other fiercely what is there in common between us do you think nothing but our sex said with a burst of tears and that said is so strong a claim preferred by one so infamous that if i had any feeling in my breast but scorn and of you it would it up our sex you are an honour to om sex i have deserved this cried but it s dreadful dear dear lady think what i have suffered and how i am fallen oh come back oh home home miss placed herself in a chair within view of the door and looked downward as if were crouching on the floor before her being now between me and the light i could see her curled lip and her cruel eyes intently fixed on one place with a greedy triumph listen to what i say she said and reserve false arts for the personal history and experience your do you hope to move me by your tears no more than you could charm me by your smiles you purchased slave oh have some mercy on me cried show me some compassion or i die mad it would be no great penance said for your crimes do y i know what you have done do you ever think of the home you have oh i l re ever night or day when i don t think of it cried and now x d just see her on her knees with her head thrown back her pale face looking upward her hands wildly clasped and held out and her hair about her has there ever been a single minute waking or sleeping when it hasn t been before me just as it used to be in the lost days when i t my back upon it for ever and for ever oh home home oh dear dear uncle if you ever could have known the agony your love would me when i fell away from good you never would have shown it to me o constant much as you felt it but would have been angry to me at least once in my life that i might have had some comfort i have none none no comfort upon earth for all of them were always fond of me she dropped on her face before the imperious figure in the chair with an imploring effort to clasp the skirt of her dress sat looking down upon her as as a figure of brass her lips were tightly compressed as if she knew that she must keep a strong upon herself i write what i sincerely believe or she would be tempted to strike the beautiful form with her foot i saw her distinctly and the whole power of her face and character seemed forced into that expression would he never come the miserable vanity of these earth worms she said when she had so far controlled the angry of her breast that she could trust herself to speak your home do you imagine that i bestow a thought on it or suppose you could do any harm to that low place which money would not pay for and handsomely your home you were a part of the trade of your home and
| 8 |
were bought and sold like any other thing your people dealt in oh not that cried say anything of me but don t visit my disgrace and shame more than i have done on folks who are as honorable as you have some respect for them as you are a lady if you have no mercy for me i speak she said not to take any heed of this appeal and drawing away her dress from the of s touch i speak of home where i live here she said stretching out her hand with her contemptuous laugh and looking down upon the prostrate girl is a worthy cause of di between lady mother and gentleman son of grief in a house where she wouldn t have been admitted as a kitchen girl of anger and and reproach this piece of picked up from the water side to be made much of for an hour and then tossed back to her original place no no cried clasping her hands together t he first came into my way that the day had never dawned upon me and he had met me being earned to my grave i had been brought up as of david virtuous as you or any lady and was going to be the wife of as good a man as you or any lady in the world can ever marry if live in his home and know him you know perhaps what his power with a weak vain girl might be i don t defend myself but i know well and he knows well or he will know when he comes to die and his mind is troubled with it that he used all his power to deceive me and that i believed him trusted him and loved him sprang up from her seat and in struck at her with a face of such so darkened and passion that i had almost thrown myself between them the blow v had no aim fell upon the air as she now stood panting looking at her with the utmost that she was capable of expressing trembling from head to foot with rage and scorn thought i had never seen such a sight and never could see such another you love him you she cried with her clenched hand quivering as if it only wanted a weapon to the object of her wrath had shrunk out of my view there was no reply and tell that to me she added with shameful lips why don t they whip these creatures if i could order it to be done i would have this girl whipped to death and so she would i have no doubt i would not have trusted her with the rack itself while that furious look lasted she slowly very slowly broke into a laugh and pointed at with her hand as if she were a sight of shame for gods and men she love she said that and he ever cared for her she d tell me ha ha the that these are her mockery was worse than her rage of the two i would have much preferred to be the object of the latter but when she suffered it to break loose it was only for a moment she had chained it up again and however it might tear her within she it to herself i came here you pure fountain of love she said to see as i began by you what such a thing as you was like i was i am satisfied also to tell you that you had best seek that home of yours with all speed and hide your head among those excellent people who are expecting you and whom your money will console when it s all gone you can believe and trust and love again you know i thought you a broken toy that had lasted its time a worthless that was and thrown away but finding you true gold a very lady and an ill used innocent with a fresh heart full of love and which you look like and is quite consistent with your story i have something more to say attend to it for what i say i do do you hear me you fairy spirit what i say i mean to do her rage got the better of her again for a moment but it passed over her face like a and left her smiling hide yourself she pursued if not at home somewhere let it be somewhere beyond reach in some obscure life or better still in some obscure death i wonder if your loving heart will not break you have found no way of helping it to be stiu i have heard of such means sometimes i believe they may be easily found a low crying on the part of interrupted her here she stopped and listened to it as if it were music the personal history and experience i am of a strange nature perhaps went on but i can t breathe freely in the air you breathe i find it sickly therefore i will have it cleared i will have it of you if you live here to morrow i have your story and your character proclaimed on the common stair there are decent women in the house i am told and it is a pity such a light as you should be among them and concealed if leaving here you seek any refuge in this town in any character but your true one which you are welcome to bear without from me the same service shall be done you if i hear of your retreat being assisted by a gentleman who not long ago to the favor of your hand i am sanguine as to that would he never never come how long was i to bear this how long could i bear
| 8 |
it oh me oh me exclaimed the wretched in a tone that might have touched the hardest heart i should have thought but there was no in s smile what what shall i do do returned the other live happy in your own reflections your existence to the recollection of james s tenderness he would have made you his serving man s wife would he not or to feeling grateful to the upright and deserving creature who would have taken you as his gift or if those proud and the consciousness of your own virtues and the honorable position to which they have raised you in the eyes of everything that wears the human shape will not sustain you marry that good man and be happy in his condescension if this will not do either die there are and for such deaths and such despair find one and take your flight to heaven i heard a distant foot upon the stairs i knew it i was certain it was his thank god she moved slowly from before the door when she said this and passed out of my sight but mark she added slowly and sternly opening the other door to go away i am resolved for reasons that i have and that i entertain to cast you out unless you withdraw from my reach altogether or drop your pretty mask this is what i had to say and what i say i mean to do the foot upon the stairs came nearer nearer passed her as she went down rushed into the room uncle a fearful cry followed the word i paused a moment and looking in saw him supporting her insensible figure in his arms he gazed for a few seconds in the face then stooped to kiss it oh how tenderly and drew a handkerchief before it r he said in a low tremulous voice when it was covered i thank my as my dream s come true i thank him hearty for having guided of me in his own ways to my darling with those words he took her up in his arms and with the veiled face lying on his bosom and addressed towards his own carried her motionless and unconscious down the stairs w v m x a u m i i j x of david li the beginning of a longer journey it was yet early in the morning of the following day when as i was walking in my garden with my aunt who took little other exercise now being so much in attendance on my dear i was told that mr desired to speak with me he came into the garden to meet me half way on my going towards the gate and his head as it was always his custom to do when he saw my aunt for whom he had a high respect i had been telling her all that had happened over night without saying a word she walked up with a cordial face shook hands with him and patted him on the arm it was so done that she had no need to say a word mr understood her quite as well as if she had said a thousand i go in now trot said my aunt and look after little blossom who will be getting up presently not along of my being ma am i hope said mr unless my wits is gone a s by which ii meant to say bird s this morning tis along of me as you re a going to quit us you have something to say my good friend returned my aunt and will do better without me by your leave ma am returned ir i should take it kind you t mind my if you d bide would you said my aunt with short good nature then i am sure i will so she drew her arm through s and walked with him to a leafy little summer house there was at the bottom of the garden where she sat down on a bench and i beside her there was a seat for mr too but he preferred to stand leaning liis hand on the small rustic table as he stood looking at his cap for a little while before beginning to speak i could not help observing what power and force of character his hand expressed and what a good and companion it was to his honest brow and iron grey hair i took my dear child away last night h began as he raised his eyes to ours to my lodging i have a long time been expecting of her and preparing fur her it was hours afore she me right and when she did she down at my feet and said to me as if it was her prayers how it all come to be you may believe me when i her voice as i had at home so playful and see her as it might be in the dust om wrote in with his blessed hand i felt a go to my art in the midst of all its he drew his sleeve across his face without any pretence of concealing why and then cleared his voice it warn t for long as i felt that for she was found i had on y to l l the personal history and experience as she was found and it was gone i t know why i do so much as mention of it now i m sure i didn t have it in my mind a minute ago to say a word about myself but it come up so that i yielded to it afore i was you are a self denying soul said my aunt and will have your reward mr with the shadows of the leaves playing his face made
| 8 |
a surprised inclination of the head towards my aunt as an acknowledgment of her good opinion then took up the thread he had when my em ly took flight he said in stern wrath for the moment from the house she was made a ner by that spotted snake as r see and his story s and may god confound liim she took flight in the night it was a dark night with a many stars a shining she was wild she ran along the sea beach believing the old boat was and calling out to us to turn away our faces for she was a coming by she herself a crying out like as if it was another person and cut herself on them sharp stones and rocks and felt it no more than if she had been rock herself ever so fur she run and there was fire afore her eyes and in her ears of a sudden or so she you the day broke wet and windy and she was lying b low a heap of stone upon the shore and a woman was a speaking to her saying in the language of that country what was it as had gone so much amiss he saw everything he related it passed before him as he spoke so vividly that in the intensity of his earnestness he presented what he described to me with greater distinctness than i can express i can hardly believe writing now long afterwards but that i was actually present in these scenes they are impressed upon me with such an astonishing air of fidelity as em ly s eyes which was heavy see this woman better mr went on she know d as she was one of them as she had often talked to on the beach though she had run as i have said ever so fur in the night she had wandered long ways partly partly in boats and carriages and know d all that country long the coast miles and miles she hadn t no children of her own this woman being a young wife but she was a looking to have one afore long and may my prayers go up to heaven that be a ness to her and a comfort and a honor all her life may it love her and be to her in her old age of her at the last a angel to her and amen said my aunt she had been and down said mr and had sat at first a little way off at her spinning or such work as it was when em ly talked to the children but em ly had took notice of her and had gone and spoke to her and as the young woman was partial to the children herself they had soon made friends that when em ly went that way she always em ly flowers this was her as now asked what it was that had gone so much amiss em ly told her and she took her home she did indeed she took her home said mr covering his face of david he was more affected by this act of kindness than i had ever seen him affected by anything since the night she went away my aunt and i did not attempt to disturb him it was a little cottage you may suppose he said presently but she found space for em iy in it her husband was away at sea and she it secret and prevailed upon such neighbours as she had they was not many near to keep it secret too em ly was took bad with fever and what is very strange to me is maybe tis not so strange to scholars the language of that country went out of her head and she could only speak her own that no one she as if she had dreamed it that she lay there always a talking her own tongue always believing as the old boat was round the next pint in the bay and begging and imploring of em to send and teu how she was dying and bring back a message of forgiveness if it was on y a a most the whole time she now that him as i made mention on just now was for her the now that him as had brought her to this was in the room and cried to the good young woman not to give her up and know d at the same time that she couldn t and dreaded that she must be took away likewise the fire was afore her eyes and the in her ears and there was no to day nor yesterday nor yet to morrow but everything in her life as ever had been or as ever could be and everything as never had been and as never could be was a crowding on her all at once and nothing clear nor welcome and yet she sang and laughed about it how long this lasted i t know but then there come a sleep and in that sleep from being a many times stronger than her own self she fell into the weakness of the child here he stopped as if for relief from the terrors of his own description after being silent for a few moments he pursued his story it was a pleasant when she awoke and so quiet that there warn t a sound but the rippling of that blue sea without a tide upon the shore it was her belief at st that she was at home upon a sunday morning but the vine leaves as she see at the and the hills beyond warn t home and contradicted of her then come in her friend to watch alongside of her bed and then she know d as the
| 8 |
old boat warn t round that next pint in the bay no more but was fur off and know d where she was and why and broke out a crying on that good young woman s bosom i hope her baby is a lying now a cheering of her with its pretty eyes he could not speak of this good friend of s without a flow of tears it was in vain to try he broke down again ing to bless her that done my em ly good he resumed after such emotion as i could not behold without sharing in and as to my aunt she wept with all her heart that done em ly good and she begun to mend but the language of that country was quite gone from her and she was forced to make signs so she went on getting better from day to day slow but sure and trying to learn the names of common things names as she seemed never to have in all her life till one evening come when she was a setting at her window looking at a little girl at play upon the beach and of a sudden this child held out her hand and said what would be in english s daughter here s a shell for you are to ll the personal history and experience stand that they used at first to call her pretty lady as the general way in that country is and that she had taught em to call her s daughter instead the child says of a sudden s daughter here s a shell then em ly her and she answers bursting out a crying and it all comes back when em ly got strong again said mr after another short interval of silence she cast about to leave that good young and get to her own country the husband was come home then and the two together put her aboard a small bound to and from that to she had a little money but it was less than little as they would take for all they done i m a most glad on it though they was so poor what they done is laid up neither nor doth corrupt and thieves do not break through nor steal r it all the treasure in the em ly got to and took service to wait on travelling ladies at a inn in the port come one day that snake let him never come nigh me i t know what hurt i might do him soon as she see him without him seeing her all her fear and returned upon her and she fled afore the very breath he draw d she come to england and was set ashore at i t know said mr for sure when her art begun to fail her but all the way to england she had to come to her dear home soon as she got to england she turned her face tow it but fear of not being fear of being at fear of some of us being dead along of her fear of many things turned her from it by force upon the road uncle uncle she says to me the fear of not being worthy to do what my torn and bleeding breast so longed to do was the most fright fear of all i turned back when my art was full of prayers that i might crawl to the old in the night kiss it lay my wicked face upon it and be found dead in the morning she come said mr dropping his voice to an awe stricken whisper to london she as had never seen it in her life alone without a penny young so pretty come to london a most the moment as she lighted all so desolate she found as she believed a friend a decent woman as spoke to her about the needle work as she had been brought up to do about finding plenty of it fur her about a lodging for the night and making secret concerning of me and all at home to morrow when my child he said aloud and with an energy of gratitude that shook him from head to foot stood upon the brink of more than i can say or think on to her promise saved her i could not repress a cry of joy r he said my hand in that strong hand of his it was you as first made mention of her to me i sir she was she had know d of her bitter knowledge to watch and what to do she had done it and the lord was above all she come white and hurried upon em ly in her sleep she says to her up from worse than death and come with me them belonging to the house would have stopped her but they might as soon have stopped the sea stand away from me she says i am a ghost that calls her from beside her open grave she told em ly she had seen me and know d op david i loved her and her she wrapped her hasty in her clothes she took her faint and trembling on her arm she no more what they said than if she had had no ears she walked among em with my child only her and brought her safe out in the dead of the night from that black pit of ruin she attended on em ly said mr who had released my hand and put his own hand on his heaving chest she attended to my em ly lying wearied out and wandering till late next day then she went in search of me then in search of you r she didn t tell em ly what she come out fur lest her art
| 8 |
should fail and she should think of hiding of herself how the cruel lady know d of her being i can t say whether him as i have spoke so much of chanced to see em going or whether which is most like to my thinking he had it from the woman i t greatly ask myself my niece is found all night long said mr we have been together em ly and me tis little considering the time as she has said in through them broken hearted tears tis less as i have seen of her dear face as grow d into a woman s at my hearth but all night long her arms has been about my neck and her head has laid and we knows full well as we can put our trust in one another ever more he ceased to speak and his hand upon the table rested there in perfect repose with a resolution in it that might have conquered lions it was a gleam of light upon me trot said my aunt drying her eyes when i formed the resolution of being to your sister who disappointed me but next to that hardly anything would have given me greater pleasure than to be to that good young creature s baby mr nodded his understanding of my aunt s feelings but could not trust himself with any verbal reference to the subject of her we all remained silent and occupied with our own reflections my aunt drying her eyes and now sobbing and now laughing and calling herself a fool until i spoke you have quite made up your mind said i to mr as to the future good friend i need scarcely ask you quite r he returned and told em ly s mighty countries fur from our future life lays over the sea they will together aunt said i yes said mr with a hopeful smile no one can t reproach my darling in we will begin a new life over i asked him if he yet proposed to himself any time for going away i was down at the early this morning sir he returned to get information concerning of them ships in about six weeks or two months from now there u be one sailing i see her this morning went aboard and we shall take our passage in her alone i asked aye r he returned my sister you see she s that fond of you and and that accustomed to think on y of her own country that it wouldn t be hardly fair to let her go besides which s one she has in charge r as t ought to be forgot poor ham said i my good sister takes care of his house you see ma am and he takes the personal history and kindly to her mr explained for my aunt s better information he set and talk to her with a calm spirit it s like he couldn t bring himself to open his lips to another poor fellow said mr shaking his head s not so much left him that he could spare the little as he has and mrs said i well i ve had a of con i do tell you returned mr with a perplexed look which gradually cleared as he went on concerning of you see falls a thinking of the old un she an t what you may call good company you and me and you ma am s takes to our old county word for crying she s liable to be considered to be by them as didn t know the old un like now i did know the old un said mr and i know d his merits so i her but tan t entirely so you see with others rally can t be my aunt and i both said mr my sister might i t say she would but might find give her a trouble again tan t my intentions to with them but to find a fur her she can fur herself a in that dialect a home and to is to provide which purpose said mr i means to make her a afore i go as leave her pretty comfort ble she s the of tan t to be expected of course at her time of life and being lone and as the good old is to be knocked about and in the woods and of a new and fur away country so that s what i m a going to do with he forgot nobody he thought of everybody s claims and but his own em ly he continued will keep along with me poor child she s sore in need of peace and rest until such time as we goes upon our voyage she ll work at them clothes as must be made and i hope hei troubles will begin to seem longer ago than they was she finds herself once more by her rough but loving uncle my aunt nodded confirmation of this hope and imparted great satisfaction to mr s one thing r said he putting his hand in his breast pocket and gravely taking out the little paper bundle i had seen before which he on the table s these here fifty pound and ten to them i wish to add the money as she come away with i ve asked her about that but not saying why and have added of it up i an t a scholar would you be so kind as see how tis he handed me for his a piece of paper and observed me while i looked it over it was quite right sir he said taking it back this money if you t see objections r i shall put up jest afore i go in a cover d to
| 8 |
him and put that up in another d to his mother i shall tell her in no more than i speak to you what it s the price on and that i m gone and past receiving of it back i of david i told him that i thought it would be right to do so that i was thoroughly convinced it would be since he felt it to be right i said that was on y one thing he proceeded with a grave smile when he had made up his little bundle again and put it ia his pocket but was two i war n t sure in my mind i come out this morning as i could go and break to ham of my own self what had so happened so i writ a letter while i was out and put it in the post office telling of em how all was as tis and that i should come down to morrow to my mind of what little needs a doing of down and most like take my farewell leave of and do you wish me to go with you said i seeing that he left something if you could do me that kind favor r he replied i know the sight on you would cheer em up a bit my little being in good spirits and very desirous that i should go as i found on talking it over with her i readily pledged myself to accompany him in accordance with his wish next morning consequently we were on the coach and again travelling over the old ground as we passed along the familiar street at night mr in despite of all my carrying my bag i glanced into and s shop and saw my old friend mr there smoking his pipe i felt reluctant to be present when mr first met his sister and ham and made mr my excuse for lingering behind how is mr after this long time said i going in he away the smoke of his pipe that he might get a better view of me and soon recognised me with great delight i should get up sir to acknowledge such an honor as this visit said he only my limbs are rather out of sorts and i am wheeled about with the exception of my limbs and my breath ever i am as hearty as a man can be i m thankful to say i congratulated him on his contented looks and his good spirits and saw now that his easy chair went on wheels it s an ingenious thing ain t it he inquired following the direction of my glance and the elbow with his arm it runs as light as a feather and tracks as true as a mail coach bless you my little my grand daughter you know s child puts her little strength against the back gives it a and away we go as clever and merry as ever you see anything and i tell you what it s a most uncommon chair to smoke a pipe in i never saw such a good old fellow to make the best of a thing and find out the enjoyment of it as mr he was as radiant as if his his and the failure of his limbs were the various branches of a great invention for the luxury of a pipe i see more of the world i can assure you said in this chair than ever i see out of it you d be surprised at the number of people that looks in of a day to have a chat you really would there s twice as much in the newspaper since i ve taken to this chair as there used to be as to general reading dear me what a lot of it i do get through that s what i feel so strong you know if it had been my eyes what should i have done if it had been my ears what should i have done being my limbs what does it signify why my the personal and experience only made my breath shorter when i used em and now if i want to go out into the street or down to the sands i ve only got to call dick s youngest and away i go in my own carriage like the lord mayor of london he half himself with laughing here lord bless you said mr his pipe a man must take the fat with the lean that s what he must make up his mind to in this life does a fine business ex business i am very glad to hear it said l i knew you would be said mr and and are like what more can a man expect what s his limbs to his supreme contempt for his own limbs as he sat smoking was one of the i have ever encountered and since i ve took to general reading you ve took to general writing eh sir said mr surveying me what a lovely work that was of yours what expressions in it i read it every word every word and as to feeling sleepy not at all i expressed my satisfaction but i must confess that i thought this association of ideas significant i give you my word and honor sir said mr that when i lay that book upon the table and look at it outside compact in three separate and one two three i am as proud as punch to think that i once had the honor of being connected with your family and dear me it s a long time ago now an t it over at with a pretty little party laid along with the other party and you quite a small party then yourself dear dear i changed the subject
| 8 |
by referring to after assuring him that i did not forget how interested he had always been in her and how kindly he had always treated her i gave him a general account of her restoration to her uncle by the aid of which i knew would please the old man he listened with the utmost attention and said when i had done i am rejoiced at it sir it s the best news i have heard for many a day dear dear dear and what s going to be undertook for that unfortunate young woman now you touch a point that my thoughts have been dwelling on since yesterday said i but on which i can give you no information yet mr has not alluded to it and i have a delicacy in doing so i am sure he has not forgotten it he forgets nothing that is disinterested and good because you know said mr taking himself up where he had left off whatever is done i should wish to be a member of put me down for anything you may consider right and let me know i never could think the girl all bad and i am glad to find she s not so will m daughter be young women are contradictory creatures in some things her mother was just the same as her but their hearts are soft and kind it s all show with about why she should consider it necessary to make any show i don t undertake to tell you but it s all show bless you she d do her any kindness in private so put me down for whatever you may consider right will you be so good op david and drop me a line where to forward it dear me said mr when a man is drawing on to a time of life where the two ends of life meet when he finds himself however hearty he is being wheeled about for the second time in a speeches of go cart he should be over rejoiced to do a kindness if he can he wants plenty and i don t speak of myself particular said mr because sir the way i look at it is that we are all drawing on to the bottom of the hill whatever age we are on account of time never standing still for a single moment so let us always do a kindness and be over rejoiced to be sure he knocked the ashes out of his pipe and put it on a ledge in the back of his chair expressly made for its reception there s em ly s cousin him that she was to have been married to said mr rubbing his hands feebly as fine a fellow as there is in he come and talk or read to me in the evening for an hour together sometimes that s a kindness i should call it all his life s a kindness i am going to see him now said i are you said mr tell him i was hearty and sent my respects and s at a ball they would be as proud to see you as i am if they was at home won t hardly go out at all you see on account of father as she says so i swore to night that if she didn t go i d go to bed at six in consequence of which mr shook himself and his chair with laughter at the success of his device she and s at a ball i shook hands with him and wished him good night half a minute sir said mr if you was to go without seeing my little elephant you d lose the best of sights you never see such a sight a musical little voice answered from somewhere upstairs i am coming grandfather and a pretty little girl with long curling hair soon came running into the shop this is my little elephant sir said mr the child breed sir now little elephant the little elephant set the door of the parlor open me to see that in these latter days it was converted into a bedroom for mr who could not be easily conveyed upstairs and then hid her pretty forehead and tumbled her long hair against the back of mr s chair the elephant you know sir said mr when he goes at a object once elephant twice three times at this signal the little elephant with a dexterity that was next to marvellous in so small an animal the chair round with mr in it and rattled it ofl into the parlor without touching the mr enjoying the performance and looking back at me on the road as if it were the triumphant issue of his life s exertions after a stroll about the town i went to ham s house had now removed here for good and had let her own house to the successor of mr in the carrying business who had paid her very well for the good will cart and horse i believe the very same slow horse that mr drove was stiu at work i found them in the neat kitchen accompanied by mrs who the personal history and experience had been fetched from the old boat by mr himself i doubt if she could have been induced to desert her post by any one else he had evidently told them all both and mrs had their to their eyes and ham had just stepped out to take a turn on the beach he presently came home very glad to see me and i hope they were all the better for my being there we spoke with some approach to cheerfulness of mr s growing rich in a new country and of the wonders he would describe in his letters we said nothing of by name but referred to her more
| 8 |
in the distance the door of the boat house stood open when i approached and on entering i found it emptied of all its furniture saving one of the old on which mrs with a basket on her knee was seated looking at mr he leaned his elbow on the rough chimney piece and gazed upon a few embers in the grate but he raised his head on my coming in and spoke in a cheery manner come according to promise to bid farewell to t eh r he said taking up the candle bare enough now an t it indeed you have made good use of the time said i why we have not been idle sir has worked like a i t know what ain t worked like said mr looking at her at a loss for a sufficiently the personal history and experience mrs leaning on lier basket made no observation s the very that you used to sit on long with em ly said mr in a whisper i m a going to carry it away with me last of all and s your old little bedroom see r a most as bleak to night as art could wish in truth the wind though it was low had a solemn sound and crept around the deserted house with a whispered wailing that was very mournful everything was gone down to the little mirror with the shell frame i thought of myself lying here when that first great change was being wrought at home i thought of the blue eyed child who had enchanted me i thought of and a foolish fearful fancy came upon me of his being near at hand and liable to be met at any turn tis like to be long said mr in a low voice afore the boat finds new tenants they look upon t down as being now does it belong to anybody in the neighbourhood i asked to a mast maker up town said mr i m a going to give the key to him to night we looked into the other little room and came back to mrs sitting on the whom mr putting the light on the chimney piece requested to rise that he might carry it outside the door before the candle dan l said mrs suddenly her basket and clinging to his arm my dear dan l the parting words i speak in this house is i mustn t be left behind t ye think of leaving me behind dan l oh t ye ever do it mr taken looked from mrs to me and from me to as if he had been awakened from a sleep t ye dearest dan l t ye cried mrs fervently take me long with you dan l take me long with you and em ly i be your servant constant and if there s slaves in them parts where you re a going i be bound to you for one and happy but t ye leave me behind dan l that s a dear my good soul said shaking his head you t know what a long voyage and what a hard life tis yes i do dan l i can guess cried mrs but my parting words under this roof is i shall go into the house and die if i am not took i can dig dan l i can work i can live hard i can be loving and patient now more than you think dan l if you on y try me i wouldn t touch the not if i was dying of want dan l but i go with you and em ly if you on y let me to the world s end i know how tis i know you think that i am lone and but love tan t so no more i an t sat here so long a watching and a thinking of your trials without some good being done me r speak to him for me i knows his ways and em ly s and i knows their sorrows and can be a comfort to em some odd times and labor for em dan l dan l let me go long with you and mrs took his hand and kissed it with a homely pathos and affection in a homely rapture of devotion and gratitude that he well deserved we brought the out extinguished the candle fastened the door on of david the outside and left the old boat close shut up a dark speck in the next day when we were returning to london outside the coach mrs and her basket were on the seat behind and mrs was happy i assist at an explosion when the time mr had appointed so mysteriously was within four and twenty hours of being come my aunt and i consulted how we should proceed for my aunt was very unwilling to leave ah how easily i carried up and down stairs now we were disposed notwithstanding mr s for my aunt s attendance to arrange that she should stay at home and be represented by mr dick and me in short we had resolved to take this course when again unsettled us by declaring that she never would forgive herself and never would forgive her bad boy if my aunt remained behind on any pretence i won t speak to you said shaking her curls at my aunt i be disagreeable i make bark at you all day i shall be sure that you really are a cross old thing if you don t go tut laughed my aunt you know you can t do without me yes i can said you are no use to me at all you never run up and down stairs for me all day long you never sit and tell me stories about when his shoes were worn out and he was
| 8 |
world my good sir cried mr stopping him on his way to the bell appetite and myself mr have long been strangers mr was so pleased with his new name and appeared to think it so very obliging in mr to confer it upon him that he shook hands with him again and laughed rather dick said my aunt attention mr dick recovered himself with a blush now sir said my aunt to mr as she put on her gloves we are ready for mount or anything else as soon as ou please madam returned mr i trust you will shortly witness an mr i have your permission i believe to mention here that we have been in communication together it is undoubtedly the fact said to whom i looked in surprise mr has consulted me in reference to what he has in contemplation and i have advised him to the best of my judgment unless i deceive myself mr pursued mr what i contemplate is a disclosure of an important nature highly so said perhaps under such circumstances madam and gentlemen said mr you wiu do me the favor to submit yourselves for the moment to the direction of one who however unworthy to be regarded in any other light but as a and stray upon the shore of human nature is still your fellow man though crushed out of his original form by individual errors and the force of a combination of circumstances we have perfect confidence in you mr said i and will do what you please mr returned mr your confidence is not at the existing juncture ill bestowed i would beg to be allowed a start of five minutes by the clock and then to receive the present company inquiring for miss at the office of and whose i am my aunt and i looked at who nodded his approval i have no more observed mr to say at present with which to my infinite surprise he included us all in a comprehensive bow and disappeared his manner being extremely distant and his face extremely pale only smiled and shook his head with his hair standing upright on the top of it when i looked to him for an explanation so i took out my watch and as a last resource counted off the five the personal history and experience minutes my aunt witli her own watch in her hand did the like when the time was expired gave her his arm and we all went out together to the old house without saying one word on the way we found mr at his desk in the office on the ground floor either writing or pretending to write hard the large office ruler was stuck into his waistcoat and was not so well concealed but that a foot or more of that instrument from his bosom like a new kind of shirt as it appeared to me that i was expected to speak i said aloud how do you do mr mr said mr gravely i hope i see you well is miss at home said i mr is in bed sir of a fever he returned but miss i have no doubt will be happy to see old friends will you walk in sir he preceded us to the dining room the first room i had entered in that house and flinging open the door of mr s former office said in a voice miss mr david mr thomas and mr i had not seen since the time of the blow our visit astonished him evidently not the less i dare say because it astonished ourselves he did not gather his eyebrows together for he had none worth mentioning but he frowned to that degree that he almost closed his small eyes while the hurried raising of his hand to his chin betrayed some or surprise this was only when we were in the act of entering his room and when i caught a glance at him over my aunt s shoulder a moment afterwards he was as and as humble as ever well i am sure he said this is indeed an unexpected pleasure to have as i may say all friends round saint paul s at once is a treat for mr i hope i see you well and if i may express self so friendly towards them as is ever your friends whether or not mrs sir i hope she s getting on we have been made quite uneasy by the poor accounts we have had of her state lately i do assure you i felt ashamed to let him take my hand but i did not know yet what else to do things are changed in this office miss since i was a clerk and held your pony ain t they said with his smile but am not changed miss well sir returned my aunt to tell you the truth i think you are pretty constant to the promise of your youth if that s any satisfaction to you thank you miss said in his manner for your good opinion tell em to let miss know and mother mother will be quite in a state when she sees the present company said setting chairs you are not busy mr said whose eye the cunning red eye accidentally caught as it at once and us no mr replied his official seat and his bony hands laid palm to palm between his bony knees of david not so so as i could but lawyers and are not easily satisfied you know not but what myself and have our hands pretty full in general on account of mr s being hardly fit for any occupation sir but it s a pleasure as well as a duty i am sure to work for you ve not been intimate with mr i think mr i believe i ve only
| 8 |
had the honor of seeing you once myself no i have not been intimate with mr returned or i might perhaps have waited on you long ago mr there was something in the tone of this reply which made look at the speaker again with a very sinister and suspicious expression but seeing only with his good natured face simple manner and hair on end he dismissed it as he replied with a jerk of his whole body but especially his throat i am sorry for that mr you would have admired him as much as we all do his little would only have him to you the more but if you would like to hear my fellow partner spoken of i should refer you to the family is a subject he s very strong upon if you never heard him i was prevented from the compliment if i should have done so in any case by the entrance of now ushered in by mr she was not quite so self possessed as usual i thought and had evidently undergone anxiety and fatigue but her earnest cordiality and her quiet beauty shone with the lustre for it i saw watch her while she greeted us and he reminded me of an ugly and rebellious watching a good spirit in the meanwhile some slight sign passed between mr and and unobserved except by me went out don t wait said mr with his hand upon the ruler in his breast stood erect before the door most contemplating one of his fellow men and that man his employer what are you waiting for said did you hear me tell you not to wait yes replied the immovable mr then why do you wait said because i in short choose replied mr with a burst s cheeks lost colour and an still faintly tinged by his red them he looked at mr attentively with his whole face breathing short and quick in every feature you are a dissipated fellow as all the world knows he said with an effort at a smile and i am afraid you oblige me to get rid of you go along i talk to you presently if there is a scoundrel on this earth said mr suddenly breaking out again with the utmost vehemence with whom i have talked too much that scoundrel s name is fell back as if he had been struck or stung looking slowly round upon us with the darkest and expression that his face could wear he said in a lower voice this is a conspiracy you have met here by appointment you are playing with my clerk are you now take m m the personal history and care you make nothing of this we understand each other you and me there s no love between us you were always a with a proud stomach from your first coming here and you envy me my rise do you none of your plots against me i you you be off i talk to you presently mr said i there is a sudden change in this fellow in more respects than the extraordinary one of his speaking the truth in one particular which me that he is brought to bay deal with him as he deserves you are a precious set of people ain t you said in the same low voice and breaking out into a heat which he wiped from his forehead with his long lean hand to buy over my clerk who is the very of society as you yourself were you know it before anyone had charity on you to me with his lies miss you had better stop this or i stop your husband shorter than will be pleasant to you i won t know your story for nothing old lady if you have any love for your father you had better not join that gang i ruin him if you do now come i have got some of you under the think twice before it goes over you think twice you if you don t want to be crushed i recommend you to take yourself off and be talked to presently you fool while there s time to retreat where s mother he said suddenly appearing to notice with alarm the absence of and pulling down the bell rope fine doings in a person s own house mrs is here said returning with that worthy mother of a worthy son i have taken the liberty of making myself known to her who are you to make yourself known retorted and what do you want here i am the agent and friend of mr sir said in a composed business like way and i have a power of attorney from him in my pocket to act for him in all matters the old ass has drunk himself into a state of said turning than before and it has been got from him by fraud something has been got from him by fraud i know returned quietly and so do you mr w e will refer that question if you please to mr mrs began with an anxious gesture you hold your tongue mother he returned least said mended but my will you hold your tongue mother and leave it to me though i had long known that his was false and all his and hollow i had had no adequate conception of the extent of his until i now saw him with his off the suddenness with which he dropped it when he perceived that it was useless to him the malice insolence and hatred he revealed the with w hich he even at this moment in the evil he had done au this time being desperate too and at his wits end for the means of getting the better of us though perfectly consistent with the of david i had of him
| 8 |
at first took even me by surprise who had known him so long and disliked him so heartily i say nothing of the look he conferred on me as he stood us one after another for i h ad always understood that he hated me and i remembered the marks of my hand upon his cheek but when his eyes passed on to and i saw the rage with which he felt his power over her slipping away and the exhibition in their disappointment of the odious passions that had led him to to one whose virtues he could never appreciate or care for i was shocked by the mere thought of her having lived an hour within sight of such a man after some rubbing of the lower part of his face and some looking at us with those bad eyes over his fingers he made one more address to me half and half you think it do you you who pride yourself so much on your honor and all the rest of it to about my place dropping with my clerk if it had been me i shouldn t have wondered for i don t make myself out a gentleman though i never was in the streets either as you were according to but being you and you re not afraid of doing this either you don t think at all of what i shall do in return or of getting yourself into trouble for conspiracy and so forth very well we shall see mr what s your name you were going to refer some question to there s your why don t you make him speak he has learnt his lesson see seeing that what he said had no effect on me or any of us he sat on the edge of his table with his hands in his pockets and one of his feet twisted round the other leg waiting for what might follow mr whose i had restrained thus far with the greatest difficulty and who had repeatedly interposed with the first syllable of without getting to the second now burst forward drew the ruler from his breast apparently as a weapon and produced from his pocket a document folded in the form of a large letter opening this packet with his old flourish and glancing at the contents as if he cherished an artistic admiration of their style of composition he began to read as follows dear miss and gentlemen bless and save the man exclaimed my aunt in a low voice he d write letters by the if it was a capital offence mr without hearing her went on in appearing before you to probably the most villain that has ever existed mr without looking off the letter pointed the ruler like a ghostly at i ask no consideration for myself the victim from my cradle of pecuniary to i have been unable to respond i have ever been the sport and toy of circumstances want despair and madness have or separately been the attendants of my career the relish with which mr described himself as a prey to these dismal was only to be equalled by the emphasis with which he read his letter and the kind of homage he rendered to it with a roll of his head when he thought he had hit a sentence very hard indeed in an of want despair and madness i entered the office or as our lively neighbour the would term it m m the personal history and experience the of the firm conducted under the of and but in reality by alone and only is the of that machine and only is the and the cheat more blue than white at these words made a dart at the letter as if to tear it in pieces mr with a perfect miracle of dexterity or luck caught his advancing with the ruler and his right hand it dropped at the wrist as if it were broken the blow sounded as if it had fallen on wood the devil take you said in a new way with pain i be even with you approach me again you you you of gasped mr and if your head is human i break it come on come on i think i never saw anything more ridiculous i was sensible of it even at the time than mr making broad sword guards with the ruler and crying come on while and i pushed him back into a corner from which as often as we got him into it he persisted in emerging again his enemy muttering to himself after wringing his wounded hand for some time slowly drew off his neck and bound it up then held it in his other hand and sat upon his table with his sullen face looking down mr when he was sufficiently cool proceeded with his letter the s in consideration of which i entered into the service of always pausing before that word and uttering it with astonishing vigor were not defined beyond the of shillings and six per week the rest was left on the value of my professional exertions in other and more expressive words on the of my nature the of my motives the poverty of my family the general moral or rather resemblance between myself need i say that it soon became necessary for me to from pecuniary advances towards the support of mrs and our but rising family need i say that this necessity had been foreseen by that those advances were secured by i u s and other similar known to the legal institutions of this country and that i thus became in the web he had spun for my reception mr s enjoyment of his powers in describing this unfortunate state of things really seemed to any pain or anxiety that the
| 8 |
and as individuals get into trouble by making too great a show of or as slaves when they are too numerous rise against their masters so i think i could mention a nation that has got into many great difficulties and will get into many greater from maintaining too large a of words mr read on almost his lips to wit in manner following that is to say mr w being m and it being within the bounds of probability that his might lead to some discoveries and to the of help s power over the w family as i the assume unless the filial affection of his daughter could be secretly influenced from allowing any investigation of the affairs to be ever made the said deemed it expedient to have a bond ready by him as from mr w for the before mentioned sum of twelve six fourteen two and nine w ith interest stated therein to have been advanced by help to ir w to save mr w from though really the sum was never advanced by him and has long been replaced the to this instrument to be executed by mr w and by are by i have in my possession in his of david hand and pocket book several similar of mr w s signature here and there by fire but to any one i never any such document and i have the document itself in my possession with a start took out of his pocket a bunch of keys and opened a certain drawer then suddenly himself of what he was about and turned again towards us without looking in it and i have the document mr read again looking about as if it were the text of a sermon in my possession that is to say i had early this morning when this was written but have since it to mr it is quite true assented cried the mother be and make terms i know ray son will be gentlemen if you give him time to think mr i m sure you know that he was always very sir it was singular to see how the mother still held to the old trick when the son had abandoned it as useless mother he said with an impatient bite at the handkerchief in which his hand was wrapped you had better take and fire a loaded gun at me i love you cried mrs and i have no doubt she did or that he loved her however strange it may appear though to be sure they were a congenial couple and i can t bear to hear you provoking the gentlemen and of yourself more i told the gentleman at first when he told me up stairs it was come to light that i would answer for your being and making amends oh see how am gentlemen and don t mind him why there s mother he angrily retorted pointing his lean finger at me against whom all his was as the prime in the discovery and i did not him there s would have given you a hundred pound to say less than you ve out i can t help it cried his mother i can t see you running into danger through carrying your head so high better be as you always was he remained for a little biting the handkerchief and then said to me with a what more have you got to bring forward if anything go on with it what do you look at me for mr promptly resumed his letter only too glad to to a performance with which he was so highly satisfied third and last i am now in a condition to show by s false books and s real beginning with the destroyed pocket book which i was unable to comprehend at the time of its accidental discovery by mrs on our taking possession of our present abode in the or devoted to the reception of the ashes on our domestic hearth that the weaknesses the faults the very virtues the parental and the sense of honor of the unhappy mr w have been for years acted on by and to the base purposes of that mr w has been for years and in every conceivable manner to the pecuniary of the false and grasping that the object of was next to gain to subdue mr and miss w of his views in reference the personal history and experience to the latter i say nothing entirely to himself that his last act completed but a few months since was to induce mr w to execute a of his share in the and even a bill of sale on the very furniture of his house in consideration of a certain to be well and truly paid by on the four common quarter days in each and every year that these beginning with alarming and accounts of the estate of which mr w is the at a period when mr w had launched into and ill judged speculations and may not have had the money for which he was morally and responsible in hand going on with pretended of money at enormous interest really coming from and by obtained or vi from mr w himself on pretence of such speculations or otherwise by a miscellaneous catalogue of gradually until the unhappy mr w could see no world beyond as he believed alike in circumstances in all other hope and in honor his sole reliance was upon the monster in the garb of man mr made a good deal of this as a new turn of expression who by making himself necessary to him had achieved his destruction all this i undertake to show probably much more i whispered a few words
| 8 |
to who was weeping half joyfully half sorrow fully at my side and there was a movement among us as if ml had finished he said with exceeding gravity pardon me and proceeded with a mixture of the lowest spirits and the most intense enjoyment to the of his letter i have now concluded it merely remains for me to these and then with my ill family to disappear from the landscape on which we appear to be an that is soon done it may be reasonably inferred that our baby will first of as being the member of our circle and that our will follow next in order so be it myself my pilgrimage has done much imprisonment on civil process and want will soon do more i trust that the labor and hazard of an investigation of which the smallest results have been slowly together in the pressure of under grinding apprehensions at rise of at eve in the shadows of night under the watchful eye of one whom it were superfluous to call demon combined with the struggle of parental poverty to turn it when completed to the right account may be as the of a few drops of sweet water on my i ask no more let it be in justice merely said of me as of a gallant and eminent naval hero with whom i have no pretensions to cope that what i have done i did in despite of and selfish objects for england home and beauty remaining always c c much affected but still intensely enjoying himself mr folded up his letter and handed it with a bow to my aunt as something she might like to keep there was as i had noticed on my first visit long ago an iron safe in the room the key was in it a hasty suspicion seemed to strike of david and with a glance at mr lie went to it and the doors open it was empty where are the books he cried with a frightful face some thief has stolen the books mr tapped himself with the ruler did when i got the key from you as usual but a little earlier and opened it this morning don t be uneasy said they have come into my possession i will take care of them under the authority i mentioned you receive stolen goods do you cried under such circumstances answered yes what was my astonishment when i beheld my aunt who had been profoundly quiet and attentive make a dart at and seize him by the collar with both hands you know what want said my aunt a strait waistcoat said he no my property returned my aunt my dear as long as i believed it had been really made away with by your father i wouldn t and my dear i didn t even to trot as he knows breathe a syllable of its having been placed here for but now i know this fellow s for it and i have it trot come and take it away from him whether my aunt supposed for the moment that he kept her property in his neck i am sure i don t know but she certainly pulled at it as if she thought so i hastened to put myself between them and to e her that we would all take care that he should make the utmost of everything he had got this and a few moments reflection her but she was not at all disconcerted by what she had done though i cannot say as much for her bonnet and resumed her seat during the last few minutes mrs had been to her son to be and had been going down on her knees to all of us in succession and making the wildest promises her son sat her down in his chair and standing by her holding her arm with his hand but not rudely said to me with a ferocious look what do you want done i will tell you what must be done said has that no tongue muttered i would do a good deal for you if you could tell me without lying that somebody had cut it out my means to be cried his mother don t mind what he says good gentlemen what must be done said is this first the deed of that we have heard of must be given over to me now here suppose i haven t got it he interrupted but you have said therefore you know we won t suppose so and i cannot help that this was the first occasion on which i really did justice to the clear head and the plain patient practical good sense of my old then said you must prepare to all that your has become possessed of and to make restoration to the last all the books and papers must remain in our possession all your books and papers all money accounts and of both kinds in short everything here the personal history and experience must it i don t know that said i must have time to think about that certainly replied but in the meanwhile and until everything is done to our satisfaction we shall maintain possession of these things and beg you in short compel you to keep your own room and hold no communication with any one i won t do it said with an oath tail is a safer place of observed and though the law may be longer in us and may not be able to right us so completely as you can there is no doubt of its you dear me you know that quite as well as i will you go round to the and bring a couple of officers here mrs broke out again crying on her knees to to interfere in their behalf exclaiming that
| 8 |
he was very humble and it was all true and if he didn t do what we wanted she would and much more to the same purpose being half frantic with fears for her darling to inquire what he might have done if he had had any boldness would be like inquiring what a cur might do if it had the spirit of a tiger he was a coward from head to foot and showed his nature through his and mortification as much as at any time of his mean life stop he growled to me and wiped his hot face with his hand mother hold your noise well let em have that deed go and fetch it do you help her mr dick said if you please proud of his commission and understanding it mr dick accompanied her as a shepherd s dog might accompany a sheep but mrs gave him little trouble for she not only returned with the deed but with the box in which it was where we found a banker s book and some other papers that were afterwards serviceable good said when this was brought now mr you can retire to think particularly observing if you please that i declare to you on the part of all present that there is only one thing to be done that it is what i have explained and that it must be done without delay without lifting his eyes from the ground across the room with his hand to his chin and pausing at the door said i have always hated you you ve always been an and you ve always been against me as i think i told you once before said i it is you who have been in your and cunning against all the world it may be profitable to you to reflect in future that there never were and cunning in the world yet that did not do too much and over reach themselves it is as certain as death or as certain as they used to teach at school the same school where i picked up so much from nine o clock to eleven that labor was a curse and from eleven o clock to one that it was a blessing and a cheerfulness and a dignity and i don t know what all eh said he with a sneer you preach about as consistent as they did won t go down i shouldn t have got round my gentleman fellow partner without it i think you old bully i ll ay you f mr defiant of him and his extended finger and making a great deal of his chest until he had out at the door of david then addressed to me and proffered me the satisfaction of witnessing the re establishment of mutual confidence between himself and mrs after which he invited the company generally to the contemplation of that affecting spectacle the veil that has long been interposed between mrs and myself is now withdrawn said mr and my children and the of their being can once more come in contact on equal terms as we were all very grateful to him and all desirous to show that we were as well as the and disorder of our spirits would permit i dare say we should all have gone but that it was necessary for to return to her father as yet unable to bear more than the dawn of hope and for some one else hold in safe keeping so remained for the latter purpose to be presently relieved by mr dick and mr dick my aunt and i went home with mr as i parted hm from the dear girl to whom i owed so much and thought from what she had been saved perhaps that morning her better resolution notwithstanding i felt devoutly thankful for the miseries of my younger days which had brought me to the knowledge of mr his house was not far off and as the street door opened into the sitting room and he bolted in with a quite his own we found ourselves at once in the bosom of the family mr exclaiming my life rushed into mrs s arms mrs shrieked and folded mr in her embrace miss nursing the unconscious stranger of mrs s last letter to me was sensibly affected the stranger leaped the their joy by several inconvenient but innocent master whose disposition appeared to have been by early disappointment and whose aspect had become yielded to his better feelings and said the cloud is past from my mind mutual confidence so long preserved between us once is restored to know no farther interruption welcome poverty cried ir shedding tears welcome misery welcome welcome hunger rags tempest and mutual confidence will sustain us to the end with these expressions mr placed mrs in a chair and embraced the family all round a variety of bleak prospects which appeared to the best of my judgment to be anything but welcome to them and calling upon them to come out into and sing a chorus as nothing else was left for their support but mrs having in the strength of her emotions fainted away the first thing to be done even before the chorus could be considered complete was to recover her this my aunt and mr did and then my aunt was introduced and recognised me excuse me dear mr said the poor lady giving me her hand but i am not strong and the removal of the late misunderstanding between mr and myself was at first too much for me is this all your family ma am said my aunt there are no more at present returned mrs good gracious i didn t mean that ma am said my aunt i mean are all these the personal history and experience madam replied mr it is a true bill and that eldest young gentleman now
| 8 |
said my aunt musing what has he been brought up to it was my hope when i came here said mr to have got into the church or perhaps i shall express my meaning more strictly if i say the choir but there was no for a tenor in the venerable pile for which this city is so justly eminent and he has in short he has contracted a habit of singing in public houses rather than in sacred but he means well said mrs tenderly i dare say my love rejoined mr that he means particularly well but i have not yet found that he carries out his meaning in any given direction whatsoever master s of aspect returned upon him again and he demanded with some temper what he was to do whether he had been born a carpenter or a coach painter any more than he had been born a bird whether he could go into the next street and open a s shop whether he could rush to the next and proclaim himself a lawyer whether he could come out by force at the opera and succeed by violence whether he could do anything without being brought up to something my aunt mused a little while and then said mr i wonder you have never turned your thoughts to madam returned mr it was the dream of my youth and the of my years i am thoroughly persuaded by the bye that he had never thought of it in his life aye said my aunt with a glance at me why what a thing it would be for yourselves and your family mr and mrs if you were to now capital madam capital urged mr gloomily that is the principal i may say the only difficulty my dear mr assented his wife capital cried my aunt but you are doing us a great service have done us a great service i may say for surely much will come out of the fire and what could we do for you that would be half so good as to find the capital i could not receive it as a gift said mr full of fire and animation but if a sufficient sum could be advanced say at five per cent interest per upon my personal say my notes of hand at twelve eighteen and twenty four months to allow time for something to turn up could be can be and shall be on your own terms returned my aunt if you say the word think of this now both of you here are some people david knows going out to shortly if you decide to go why shouldn t you go in the same ship you may help each other think of this now mr and mrs take your time and weigh it well there is but one question my dear ma am i could wish to ask said mrs the climate i believe is healthy in the world said my aunt op david just so returned mrs then my question arises now are the circumstances of the country such that a man of mr s abilities would have a fair chance of rising in the social scale i will not say at present might he to be governor or anything of that sort but would there be a reasonable opening for his talents to develop themselves that would be amply b and find their own no better opening anywhere said my aunt for a man who himself well and is industrious for a man who himself well repeated mrs with her business manner and is industrious precisely it is evident to me that is the legitimate sphere of action for mr i i entertain the conviction my dear madam said mr that it is under existing circumstances the land the only land for myself and family and that something of an extraordinary nature will turn up on that shore it is no distance comparatively speaking and though consideration is due to the kindness of your proposal i assure you that is a mere matter of form shall i ever forget how in a moment he was the most sanguine of men looking on to fortune or how mi s presently about the habits of the shall i ever recall that street of on a market day without recalling him as he walked back with us expressing in the hardy manner he ed the unsettled habits of a temporary in the land and looking at the as they came by with the eye of an farmer another i must pause yet once again my child wife there is a figure in the moving crowd before my memory quiet and still saying in its innocent love and childish beauty stop to think of me turn to look upon the little blossom as it to the ground i do all else grows dim and away i am again with in our i do not know how she has been ill i am so used to it in feeling that i cannot count the time it is not really long in weeks or months but in my usage and experience it is a weary weary while they have left off telling me to wait a few days more have begun to fear that the day may never shine when i shall see my running in the sunlight with her old friend he is as it were suddenly grown very old it may be that he in his mistress something that him and made him younger but he and his sight is weak and his limbs are feeble and my aunt is sorry that he objects to her no more but near her as he lies on s bed she sitting at the bedside and mildly her hand lies smiling on us and is beautiful and no hasty or complaining word
| 8 |
she says that we are very good to her that her dear old careful boy is himself out she knows that my aunt has no sleep yet is always active and kind sometimes the little bird like the personal history and experience ladies come to see lier and we talk about our wedding day and all that happy time what a strange rest and pause in my life there seems to be and in au life within doors and without when i sit in the quiet shaded orderly room with the blue eyes of my child wife turned towards me and her little fingers round my hand many and many an hour i sit thus but of all those times three times come the on my mind it is morning and made so trim by my aunt s hands me how her pretty hair will curl upon the pillow yet and how long and bright it is and how she likes to have it loosely gathered in that net she wears not that i am vain of it now you mocking boy she says when i smile but because you used to say you thought it so beautiful and because when i first began to think about you i used to peep in the glass and wonder whether you would like very much to have a lock of it oh what a foolish fellow you were when i gave you one that was on the day when you were painting the flowers i had given you and when i told you how much in love i was ah but i didn t like to teu says then how i had cried over them because i believed you really liked me when i can run about again as i used to do let us go and see those places where we were such a silly couple shall we and take some of the old walks and not forget poor papa yes we will and have some happy days so you must make haste to get well my dear oh i shall soon do that i am so much better you don t know it is evening and i sit in the same chair by the same bed with the same face turned towards me we have been silent and there is a smile upon her face i have ceased to carry my light burden up and down stairs now she lies here all the day my dear you won t think what i am going to say unreasonable after what you told me such a little while ago of mr s not being well i want to see very much i want to see her i will write to her my dear wiu you directly what a good kind boy take me on your arm indeed my dear it s not a whim it s not a foolish fancy i want very much indeed to see her i am certain of it i have only to tell her so and she is sure to come you are very lonely when you go down stairs now whispers with her arm about my neck how can i be otherwise my own love when i see your empty chair my empty chair she to me for a little while in silence and you really miss me looking up and brightly smiling even poor giddy stupid me my heart who is there upon earth that i could miss so much oh husband i am so glad yet so sorry creeping closer to me ov david and folding me in both her arms she laughs and sobs and then is quiet and quite happy quite she says only give my dear love and tell her that i want very very much to see her and i have nothing left to wish for except to get well again ah sometimes i think you know i always was a silly little thing that that will never be don t say so dearest love don t think so i won t if i can help it but i am very happy though my dear boy is so lonely by himself before his child wife s empty chair it is night and i am with her still has arrived has been among us for a whole day and an evening she my aunt and i have sat with since the morning all together aye have not talked much but has been perfectly contented and cheerful we are now alone do i know now that my child wife will soon leave me they have told me so they have told me nothing new to my thoughts but i am far from sure that i have taken that truth to heart i cannot master it i have withdrawn by myself many times to day to weep i have remembered who wept for a parting between the living and the dead i have me of all that gracious and compassionate history i have tried to resign myself and to console myself and that i hope i may have done imperfectly but what i cannot firmly settle in my mind is that the end will absolutely come i hold her hand in mine i hold her heart in mine i see her love for me alive in all its strength i cannot shut out a pale lingering shadow of belief that she will be spared i am going to speak to you i am going to say something i have often thought of saying lately you won t mind with a gentle look mind my darling because i don t know what you will think or what you may have thought sometimes perhaps you have often thought the same dear i am afraid i was too young i lay my face upon the pillow by her and she looks into my eyes and speaks very softly gradually as she goes
| 8 |
on i feel with a stricken heart that she is speaking of herself as past i am afraid dear i was too young i don t mean in years only but in experience and thoughts and everything i was such a silly little creature i am afraid it would have been better if we had only loved each other as a boy and girl and forgotten it i have begun to think i was not fit to be a wife i try to stay my tears and to reply oh love as fit as i to be a husband i don t know with the old shake of her curls perhaps but if i had been more fit to be married i might have made you more so too besides you are very clever and i never was we have been very happy my sweet i was very happy very but as years went on my dear boy would have wearied of his child wife she would have been less and less a companion for him he would have been more and more sensible of what was wanting in his home she wouldn t have improved it is better as it is the personal history and experience oh dearest dearest do not speak to me so every word seems a reproach no not a syllable she answers kissing me oh my dear you never deserved it and i loved you far too well to say a word to you in earnest it was all the merit i had except being pretty or you thought me so is it lonely down stairs very very don t cry is my chair there in its old place oh how my poor boy cries hush hush now make me one promise i want to speak to when you go down stairs tell so and send her up to me and while i speak to her let no one come not even aunt i want to speak to by herself i want to speak to quite alone i promise that she shall immediately but i cannot leave her for my grief i said that it was better as it is she whispers as she holds me in her arms oh after more years you never could have loved your child wife better than you do and after more years she would so have tried and disappointed you that you might not have been able to love her half so well i know i was too young and foolish it is much better as it is is down stairs when i go into the parlor and i give her the message she leaving me alone with his chinese house is by the fire and he lies within it on his bed of flannel trying to sleep the bright moon is high and clear as i look out on the night my tears fall fast and my heart is heavily heavily i sit down by the fire thinking with a blind remorse of all those secret feelings i have nourished since my marriage i think of every little trifle between me and and feel the truth that trifles make the sum of life ever rising from the sea of my remembrance is the image of the dear child as i knew her first by my young love and by her own with every fascination wherein such love is rich would it indeed have been better if we had loved each other as a boy and l and forgotten it heart reply how the time wears i know not until i am recalled by my child wife s old companion more restless than he was he out of his house and looks at me and to the door and to go up stairs not to night not to night he comes very slowly back to me my hand and lifts his dim eyes to my face o it may be never again he lies down at my feet stretches himself out as if to sleep and with a plaintive cry is dead look look here that face so full of pity and of grief that rain of tears that awful mute appeal to me that solemn hand towards heaven it is over darkness comes before my eyes and for a time all things are blotted out of my remembrance i t u ia ox david mr s transactions this is not the time at i am to enter on the state of my mind beneath its load of sorrow i came to think that the e was walled up before me that the energy and action of my life were at an end that i never could find any refuge but in the grave i came to think so i say but not in the first shock of my grief it slowly grew to that if the events i go on to relate had not around me in the beginning to and in the end to my affliction it is possible though i think not probable that i might have fallen at once into this condition as it was an interval occurred before i fully knew my own distress an interval in which i even supposed that its pangs were past and when my mind could soothe itself by resting on all that was most innocent and beautiful in the tender story that was closed for ever when it was first proposed that i should go abroad or how it came to be agreed among us that i was to seek the restoration of my peace in change and travel i do not even now distinctly know the spirit of so pervaded all we thought and said and did in that time of sorrow that i assume i may refer the project to her influence but her influence was so quiet that i know no more and now indeed i began to
| 8 |
think that in my old association of her with the stained glass window in the church a prophetic of what she would be to me in the calamity that was to happen in the of time had found a way into my mind in all that sorrow from the moment never to be forgotten when she stood before me with her hand she was like a sacred presence in my lonely house when the angel of death alighted there my child wife fell asleep they told me so when i could bear to hear it on her bosom with a smile my i first awoke to a consciousness of her compassionate tears her words of hope and peace her gentle face bending down as from a purer region nearer heaven over my heart and softening its pain let me go on i was to go abroad that seemed to have been determined among us from the first the ground now covering all that could perish of my departed wife i waited only for what mr called the final of and for the departure of the at the request of most and devoted of friends in my trouble we returned to i mean my aunt and i we proceeded by appointment straight to mr s house where and at mr s my friend had been ever since our meeting poor mrs saw me come in in my black clothes she was sensibly there was a great deal of good in n n the personal history and experience mrs s heart had not been out of it in all those many years well mr and mrs was my aunt s first salutation after we were seated pray have you thought about that proposal of mine my dear madam returned mr perhaps i cannot better express the conclusion at which mrs your humble servant and i may add our children have and arrived than by the language of an illustrious poet to reply that our boat is on the shore and our bark is on the sea that s right said my aunt i all sorts of good from your sensible decision madam you do us a great deal of honor he rejoined he then referred to a with respect to the pecuniary assistance us to om frail on the ocean of enterprise i have that important business point and would beg to propose my notes of hand drawn it is needless to on of the required by the various acts of parliament applying to such at eighteen twenty four and thirty months the proposition i originally submitted was twelve eighteen and twenty four but i am apprehensive that such an arrangement might not allow sufficient time for the requisite amount of something to turn up we might not said ir looking round the room as if it represented several hundred acres of highly cultivated land on the first responsibility becoming due have been successful in our harvest or we might not have got our harvest in labor i believe is sometimes difficult to obtain in that portion of our possessions w here it be our lot to combat with the soil arrange it in any way you please sir said my aunt madam he replied mrs and myself are deeply sensible of the very considerate kindness of our friends and w hat i wish is to be perfectly business like and perfectly punctual turning over as we are about to turn over an entirely new leaf and back as we are now in the act of falling back for a spring of no common magnitude it is important to my sense of self respect besides being an example to my son that these arrangements should be concluded as between man and man i don t know that mr attached any meaning to this last phrase i don t know that anybody ever does or did but he appeared to relish it uncommonly and repeated with an impressive cough as between man and man i propose said mi bills a convenience to the world for which i believe we are originally indebted to the jews who appear to me to have had a devilish deal too much to do with them ever since because they are but if a bond or any other description of security would be preferred i should be happy to execute any such instrument as between man and man my aunt observed that in a case where both parties were willing to agree to anything she took it for granted there would be no difficulty in settling this point mr was of her opinion of david in reference to our domestic preparations madam said mr with some pride for meeting tlie destiny to which we are now understood to be self devoted i beg to report them my eldest daughter at five every morning in a neighbouring establishment to acquire the process if process it may be called of cows my younger children are instructed to observe as closely as circumstances will permit the habits of the pigs and poultry maintained in the poorer parts of this city a suit from which they have on two occasions been brought home within an inch of being run over i have myself directed some attention during the past week to the art of and my son has issued forth with a walking stick and driven cattle when permitted by the rugged who had them in charge to render any voluntary service in that direction which i regret to say for the credit of our nature was not often he being generally warned with to all very right indeed said my aunt has been busy too i have no doubt my dear madam returned mrs with her business like air i am free to confess that i have not been engaged in pursuits immediately connected with cultivation or with stock
| 8 |
though well aware that both will claim my attention on a foreign shore such opportunities as i have been enabled to from my domestic duties i have devoted to corresponding at some length with my family for i own it seems to me my dear mr said mrs who always fell back on me i suppose from old habit to else she might address her discourse at starting that the time is come when the past should be buried in oblivion when my family should take mr by the hand and mr should take my family by the hand when the lion should lie down with the lamb and my family be on terms with mr i said i thought so too this at least is the light my dear mr pursued mrs in which view the subject when i lived at home with my papa and my papa was accustomed to ask when any point was under discussion in our limited circle in what light does my view the subject that my papa was too partial i know still on such a point as the coldness which has ever between mr and my family i necessarily have formed an opinion though it may be no doubt of course you have ma am said my aunt precisely so assented mrs now i may be wrong in my conclusions it is very likely that i am but my individual impression is that the gulf een my family and mr may be traced to an apprehension on the part of my family that mr would require pecuniary accommodation i cannot help thinking said mrs with an air of deep sagacity that there are members of my family who have been apprehensive that mr would them for their names i do not mean to be conferred in upon our children but to be inscribed on bills of exchange and in the money market n k the personal history and experience the look of penetration with which mrs announced this discovery as if no one had ever thought of it before seemed rather to astonish my aunt who abruptly replied well ma am upon the whole i shouldn t wonder if you were right mr being now on the eve of casting off the pecuniary that have so long him said mrs and of a new career in a country where there is sufficient range for his abilities which in my opinion is exceedingly important mr s abilities peculiarly requiring space it seems to me that my family should the occasion by coming forward what i could wish to see would be a meeting between mr and my family at a entertainment to be given at my family s where mr s health and prosperity being proposed by some leading member of my family mr might have an opportunity of developing his views my dear said mr with some heat it may be better for me to state distinctly at once that if i were to develop my views to that assembled group they would possibly be found of an nature my impression being that your family are in the impertinent and in detail said mrs shaking her head no you have never understood them and they have never understood you they have never understood you said his wife they may be incapable of it if so that is misfortune i can pity their misfortune i am extremely sorry my dear said mr to have been betrayed into any expressions that might even have the appearance of being strong expressions all i would say is that i can go abroad without your family coming forward to favor me in short with a parting of their cold shoulders and that upon the whole i would rather leave england with such as i possess than derive any of it from that quarter at the same time my dear if they should condescend to reply to your communications which our joint experience renders most improbable far be it from me to be a barrier to your wishes the matter being thus settled mr gave mrs his arm and glancing at the heap of books and papers lying before on the table said they would leave us to ourselves which they did my dear said leaning back in his chair when they were gone and looking at me with an affection that made his eyes red and his hair all kinds of shapes i don t make any excuse for troubling you with business because i know you are deeply interested in it and it may divert your thoughts my dear boy i hope you are not worn out i am quite myself said i after a pause we have more cause to think of my aunt than of any one you know how much she has done surely surely answered who can forget it of david but even that is not all said i during the last fortnight some new trouble has vexed her and she has been in and out of london every day several times she has gone out early and been absent until evening last night with this journey before her it was almost midnight before she came home you know what her consideration for others is she will not tell me what has happened to distress her my aunt very pale and with deep lines in her face sat immovable until i had finished when some stray tears found their way to her cheeks and she put her hand on mine it s nothing trot it s nothing there will be no more of it you shall know by and by now my dear let us attend to these s i must do mr the justice to say began that although he would appear not to have worked to any good account for himself he is a most man when he works for other people i never
| 8 |
saw such a fellow if he always goes on in the same way he must be about two hundred years old at present the heat into which he has been continually putting and the distracted and impetuous manner in which he has been day and night among papers and books to say nothing of the immense number of letters he has written me between this house and mr s and often across the table when he has been sitting opposite and might much more easily have spoken is quite extraordinary letters cried my aunt i believe he dreams in letters there s mr dick too said has been doing wonders as soon as he was released from overlooking whom he kept in such charge as never saw exceeded he began to devote himself to mr and really his anxiety to be of use in the we have been making and his real usefulness in and and and carrying have been quite to us dick is a very remarkable man exclaimed my aunt and i always said he was trot you know it i am happy to say miss pursued at once with great delicacy and with great that in your absence mr has considerably improved of the that had fastened upon him for so long a time and of the dreadful apprehensions under which he had lived he is hardly the same person at times even his power of his memory and attention on particular points of business has recovered itself very much and he has been able to assist us in making some things clear that we should have found very difficult indeed if not hopeless without him but what i have to do is to come to results which are short enough not to gossip on all the hopeful circumstances i have observed or i shall never have done his natural manner and agreeable simplicity made it transparent that he said this to put us in good heart and to enable to hear her father mentioned with greater confidence but it was not the less pleasant for that now let me see said looking among the papers on the table having counted our funds and reduced to order a great mass the personal history and experience of confusion in the first place and of confusion and in the second we take it to be clear that mr might now up his business and his agency trust and exhibit no deficiency or whatever oh thank heaven cried fervently but said the that would be left as his means of support and suppose the house to be sold even in saying this would be so small not exceeding in all probability some hundreds of pounds that perhaps miss it would be best to consider whether he might not retain his agency of the estate to which he has so long been his friends might advise him you know now he is free you yourself miss i i have considered it said looking to me and i feel that it ought not to be and must not be even on the recommendation of a friend to whom i am so grateful and owe so much i will not say that i recommend it observed i think it right to suggest it no more i am happy to hear you say so answered steadily for it gives me hope almost assurance that we think alike dear mr and dear papa once free with honor what could i wish for i have always if i could have released him from the toils in which he was held to render back some little portion of the love and care i owe him and to devote my life to him it has been for years the utmost height of my hopes to take our future on myself will be the next great happiness the next to his release from all trust and responsibility that i can know have you thought how often i am not afraid dear i am certain of success so many people know me here and think kindly of me that i am certain don t me our wants are not many if i rent the dear old house and keep a school i shall be useful and happy the calm of her cheerful voice brought back so vividly first the dear old house itself and then my solitary home that my heart was too full for speech pretended for a little while to be busily looking among the papers next miss ood said that property of yours well sir sighed my aunt all i have got to say about it is that if it s gone i can bear it and if it s not gone i shall be glad to get it back it was originally i think eight thousand pounds said eight replied my aunt i can t account for more than five said with an air of perplexity thousand do you mean inquired my aunt with uncommon composure or pounds five thousand pounds said it was all there was returned my aunt i sold three myself one i paid for your articles trot my dear and the other two i have by me when i lost the rest i thought it wise to say nothing about that of david sum but to keep it secretly for a rainy day i wanted to see how you would come out of the trial trot and you came out nobly self denying so did dick don t speak to me for i find my nerves a little shaken would have thought so to see her sitting upright with her arms folded but she had wonderful self command then i am delighted to say cried beaming with joy that we have recovered the whole money don t congratulate me exclaimed my aunt how so sir you believed it had been by mr said
| 8 |
of course i did said my aunt and was therefore easily silenced not a word and indeed said it was sold by virtue of the power of management he held from you but i needn t say by whom sold or on whose actual signature it was afterwards pretended to mr by that rascal and proved too by figures that he had possessed himself of the money on general instructions he said to keep other and difficulties from the light mr being so weak and helpless in his hands as to pay you afterwards several sums of interest on a pretended principal which he knew did not exist made himself unhappily a party to the fraud and at last took the blame upon himself added my aunt and wrote me a mad letter charging himself with robbery and wrong unheard of upon which i paid him a visit early one morning called for a candle burnt the letter and told him if he ever could right me and himself to do it and if he couldn t to keep his own counsel for his daughter s sake if anybody speaks to me i leave the house we all remained quiet covering her face weu my dear friend said my aunt after a pause and you have really the money back from him why the fact is returned mr had so completely hemmed him in and was always ready with so many new points if an old one failed that he could not escape from us a most remarkable circumstance is that i really don t he grasped this sum even so much for the gratification of his which was as in the hatred he felt for he said so to me plainly he said he would even have spent as much to or injure ha said my aunt knitting her brows thoughtfully and glancing at and what s become of him i don t know he left here said with his mother who had been and and the whole time they went away by one of the london night and i know no more about him except that his to me at parting was audacious he seemed to consider himself hardly less indebted to me than to mr which i consider as i told him quite a compliment do you suppose he has any money i asked oh dear yes i should think so he replied shaking his head the personal and seriously i should say lie must have a good deal in one way or other but i think you would find if you had an opportunity of observing his course that money would never keep that man out of mischief he is such an that whatever object he he must pursue it s his only compensation for the outward he puts upon himself always creeping along the ground to some small end or other he will always every object in the way and consequently will hate and suspect every body that comes in the most innocent manner between him and it so the crooked courses will become at any moment for the least reason or for none it s only necessary to consider his history here said to know that he s a monster of meanness said my aunt i don t know about that observed thoughtfully many people can be very mean when they give their minds to it and now touching mr said my aunt well really said cheerfully i must once more give mr high praise but for his having been so patient and for so long a time we never could have hoped to do anything worth speaking of and i think we ought to consider that mr did right for right s sake when we reflect what terms he might have made with himself for his silence i think so too said i now what would you give him inquired my aunt oh before you come to that said a little disconcerted i am afraid i thought it discreet to omit not being able to carry everything before me two points in making this lawless for it s perfectly lawless from beginning to end of a difficult affair those i s and so forth which mr gave him for the advances he well they must be paid said my aunt tes but i don t know when they may be proceeded on or where they are rejoined opening his eyes and i anticipate that between this time and his departure mr will be constantly arrested or taken in execution then he must be constantly set free again and taken out of execution said my aunt what s the amount altogether why mr has entered the transactions he calls them transactions with great form in a book rejoined smiling and he makes the amount a hundred and three pounds five now what shall we give him that sum included said my aunt my dear you and i can talk about division of it afterwards what should it be five hundred pounds upon this and i both struck in at once we both recommended a small sum in money and the payment without to mr of the claims as they came in we proposed that the family should have their passage and their and a hundred pounds and that mr s arrangement for the of the advances should be gravely entered into as it might l e wholesome for him to suppose himself under that responsibility to this of o i added the that i should give some explanation of his character and history to mr who i knew could be relied on and that to mr should be quietly the discretion of advancing another hundred i ther proposed to interest mr in mr by confiding so much of mr s story to him as i might feel justified in relating or might think expedient and to endeavour
| 8 |
to bring each of them to bear upon the other for the common advantage we all entered warmly into these views and i may mention at once that the themselves did so shortly afterwards with perfect good will and harmony seeing that now glanced anxiously at my aunt again i reminded him of the second and last point to which he had you and your aunt will excuse me if i touch upon a painful theme as i greatly fear i shall said hesitating but i think it necessary to bring it to your recollection on the day of mr s memorable a threatening allusion was made by to your aunt s husband my aunt retaining her stiff position and apparent composure assented with a nod perhaps observed it was mere impertinence returned my aunt there was pardon me really such a person and at all in his power yes my good friend said my aunt with a perceptible of his face explained that he had not been able to approach this subject that it had shared the fate of mr s in not being comprehended in the terms he had made that we were no longer of any authority with and that if he could do us or any of us any injury or annoyance no doubt he would my aunt remained quiet until again some stray tears found their way to her cheeks you are quite right she said it was very thoughtful to mention it can i or do anything asked gently nothing said my aunt i thank you many times trot my dear a vain threat let us have mr and mi s back and don t any of you speak to me with that she smoothed her dress and sat with her upright carriage looking at the door well mr and mrs said my aunt when they entered we have been discussing your many apologies to you for keeping you out of the room so long and i teu you what arrangements w e propose these she explained to the unbounded satisfaction of the family children and all being then present and so much to the awakening of s punctual habits in the opening stage of all bill transactions that he could not be from immediately rushing out in the highest spirits to buy the for his notes of hand but his joy received a sudden check for within five minutes he returned in the of a s officer informing us in a flood of tears that all was lost the personal history and experience we being quite prepared for this event was of se a proceeding of s soon paid the money and in five minutes more mr was seated at the table up the with an expression of perfect joy which only that congenial employment or the making of punch could impart in full completeness to his shining face to see him at work on the with the relish of an artist touching them like pictures looking at them sideways taking notes of dates and in his pocket book and contemplating them when finished with a high sense of their precious value a sight indeed now the best thing you can do sir if you allow me to advise you said my aunt after silently observing him is to e that occupation for madam replied mr it is my intention to register such a vow on the virgin page of the future mrs will it i trust said mr solemnly that my son will ever bear in mind that he had infinitely better put his fist in the fire than use it to handle the that have poisoned the life blood of his unhappy parent deeply affected and changed in a moment to the image of despair mr regarded the with a look of gloomy in which his late admiration of them was not quite subdued folded them up and put them in his pocket this closed the proceedings of the evening we were weary with sorrow and fatigue and my aunt and i were to return to london on the morrow it was arranged that the should follow us after a sale of their goods to a that mr s affairs should be brought to a settlement with all convenient speed under the direction of and that should also come to london those arrangements we passed the night at the old house which freed from the presence of the seemed of a disease and i lay in my old room like a wanderer come home we went back next day to my aunt s house not to mine and when she and i sat alone as of old before going to bed she said trot do you really wish to know what i have had upon my mind lately indeed i do aunt if there ever was a time when i felt unwilling that you should have a sorrow or anxiety which i could not share it is now you have had sorrow enough child said my aunt affectionately without the addition of my little miseries i could have no other motive trot in keeping anything from you i know that well said i but tell me now would you ride with me a little way to morrow morning asked my aunt of course at nine said she i tell you then my dear at nine accordingly we went out in a little chariot and drove to london we drove a long way through the streets until we came to one of the large standing hard by the building was a plain of david the driver recognised my aunt and in obedience to a motion of her hand at the window drove slowly off we following you understand it now trot said my aunt he is gone did he die in the hospital yes she sat immovable beside me but again i saw the
| 8 |
stray tears on face he was there once before said my aunt presently he was a long time a shattered broken man these many years when he knew his state in this last illness he asked them to send for me he was sorry then very sorry you went i know aunt i went i was with him a good deal afterwards he died the night before we w ent to said i my aunt nodded no one can harm him now she said it was a vain threat we drove away out of town to the churchyard at better here than in the streets said my aunt he was born here we alighted and followed the plain coffin to a corner i remember well where the service was read it to the dust six and thirty years ago this day my dear said my aunt as we walked back to the chariot i was married god forgive us all we took our seats in silence and so she sat beside me for a long time holding my hand at length she suddenly burst into tears and said he w as a fine looking man when i married him trot and he was sadly changed it did not last long after the relief of tears she soon became composed and even cheerful her nerves were a little shaken she said or she would not have given way to it god forgive us all so we rode back to her little cottage at where we found the following short note which had arrived by that morning s post from mr friday my dear madam and the fair land of promise lately on the horizon is again enveloped in impenetrable mists and for ever withdrawn from the eyes of a drifting wretch whose doom is sealed another writ has been issued in his majesty s high court of king s bench at westminster in another cause of v and the in that cause is the prey of the having legal in this now s the day and now s the hour see the front of battle lower see approach proud edward s power chains and slavery consigned to which and to a speedy end for mental torture is not beyond a certain point and that point i feel i have attained my course is run bless you bless you i some future traveller visiting the a d from motives of curiosity not let us hope with sympathy the place of confinement allotted to in this city may and i trust will as he traces on its wall inscribed a rusty nail the obscure w m p s i re open this to say that our common friend mr thomas who has not yet left us and is looking extremely well has paid the debt and costs in the noble name of miss and that myself and family are at the height of earthly bliss chapter ly tempest i now approach an event in my life so so awful so bound by an infinite variety of ties to all that has preceded it in these pages that from the beginning of my narrative i have seen it growing larger and larger as i advanced like a great tower in a plain and throwing its fore cast shadow even on the incidents of my childish days years after it occurred i dreamed of it often i have started up so vividly impressed by it that its fury has yet seemed raging in my quiet room in the still night i dream of it sometimes though at lengthened and uncertain intervals to this hour i have an association between it and a stormy wind or the mention of a sea shore as strong as any of which my mind is conscious as plainly as i behold what happened i will try to write it down i do not it but see it done for it happens again before me the time drawing on rapidly for the sailing of the ship my good old nurse almost broken hearted for me when we first met came up to london i was constantly with her and her brother and the they being very much together but i never saw one evening when the time was close at hand i was alone with and her brother our conversation turned on ham she described to us how tenderly he had taken leave of her and how and quietly he had borne himself most of all of late when she believed he was most tried it was a subject of which the affectionate creature never tired and our interest in hearing the many examples which she who was so much with him had to relate was equal to hers in relating them my aunt and i were at that time the two cottages at i intending to go abroad and she to return to her house at we had a temporary lodging in garden as i walked home to it after this evening s conversation reflecting on what had passed between ham and myself when i was last at i wavered in the original of david purpose i had formed of leaving a letter for when i should take leave of her uncle on board the ship and thought it would be better to write to her now she might desire i thought after receiving my communication to send some parting word by me to her unhappy lover i ought to give her the opportunity i therefore sat down in my room before going to bed and wrote to her i told her that i had seen him and that he had requested me to tell her what i have already written in its place in these sheets i faithfully repeated it i had no need to upon it if i had had the right its deep fidelity and goodness were not to be adorned by me
| 8 |
or any man i left it out to be sent round in the morning with a line to mr him to give it to her and went to bed at daybreak i was weaker than i knew then and not falling asleep until the sun was up lay late and next day i was roused by the silent presence of my aunt at my bedside i felt it in my sleep as i suppose we all do feel such things trot my dear she said when i opened my eyes i couldn t make up my mind to disturb you mr is here shall he come up i replied yes and he soon appeared r he said when we had shaken hands i em ly your letter sir and she writ this and begged of me fur to ask you to read it and if you see no hurt in t to be so kind as take charge on t have you read it said i he nodded sorrowfully i opened it and read as follows i have got your message what can i write to thank you for your good and blessed kindness to me i have put the words close to my heart i shall keep them till i die they are sharp but they are such comfort i have prayed over them oh i have prayed so much when i find what you are and what uncle is i think what god must be and can cry to him good bye for ever now my dear my friend good bye for ever in this world in another world if i am forgiven i may wake a child and come to you all thanks and blessings farewell this blotted with tears was the letter may i tell her as you t see no hurt in t and as you be so kind as take charge on t r said mr when i had read it unquestionably said i but i am thinking yes r i am thinking said i that i go down again to there s time and to spare for me to go and come back before the ship sails my mind is constantly running on him in his solitude to put this letter of her writing in his hand at this time and to enable you to tell her in the moment of parting that he has got it will be a kindness to both of them i solemnly accepted his commission dear good fellow and cannot discharge it too completely the journey is nothing to me i am restless and shall be better in motion i go down to night though he anxiously endeavoured to me i saw that he was of the personal history and experience my mind and this if i had required to be confirmed in my intention would have had the effect he went round to the coach office at my request and took the box seat for me on the mail in the evening i started by that conveyance down the road i had traversed under so many don t you think that i asked the coachman in the first stage out of london a very remarkable sky i don t remember to have seen one like it nor i not equal to it he replied that s wind sir there be mischief done at sea i expect before long it was a confusion here and there blotted with a colour like the colour of the smoke from damp fuel of flying clouds tossed up into most remarkable heaps suggesting greater heights in the clouds than there were depths below them to the bottom of the deepest hollows in the earth through which the wild moon seemed to plunge headlong as if in a dread disturbance of the laws of nature she had lost her way and were frightened there had been a wind all day and it was rising then with an extraordinary great sound in another hour it had much increased and the sky was more and it blew hard but as the night advanced the clouds closing in and the whole sky then very dark it came on to blow harder and harder it still increased until our horses could scarcely face the wind many times in the dark part of the night it was then late in september when the nights were not short the leaders turned about or came to a dead stop and we were often in serious apprehension that the coach would be blown over sweeping of rain came up before this storm like showers of steel and at those times when there was any shelter of trees or lee walls to be got we were fain to stop in a sheer impossibility of continuing the struggle when the day broke it blew harder and harder i had been in when the said it blew great guns but i had never known the like of this or anything approaching to it we came to very late having had to fight every inch of ground since we were ten miles out of london and found a cluster of people in the market place who had risen from their beds in the night fearful of falling chimneys some of these about the inn yard while we changed horses told us of great sheets of lead having been off a high church tower and flung into a bye street which they then blocked up others had to tell of country people coming in from neighbouring villages who had seen great trees lying torn out of the earth and whole scattered about the roads and fields still there was no in the storm but it blew harder as we struggled on nearer and nearer to the sea from which this mighty wind was blowing dead on shore its force became more and more terrific long before we saw the sea
| 8 |
its spray was on our lips and salt rain upon us the water was out over miles and miles of the flat country adjacent to and every sheet and lashed its banks and had its stress of little setting heavily towards us when we came within sight of the sea the waves on the horizon caught at intervals above the rolling abyss were like glimpses of another shore of david with towers and buildings when at we got into the town the people came out to their doors all and with hair making a wonder of the mail that had come through such a night i put up at the old inn and went down to look at the sea staggering along tlie street which was strewn with sand and and with flying of sea foam afraid of falling and and holding by people i met at angry corners coming near the beach i saw not only the but half the people of the town lurking behind buildings some now and then the fury of the storm to look away to sea and blown sheer out of their course in trying to get back joining these groups i found women whose husbands were away in or boats which there was too much reason to think might have before they could run in anywhere for safety old sailors were among the people shaking their heads as they looked from water to sky and muttering to one another ship owners excited and uneasy children together and peering into older faces even stout disturbed and anxious their glasses at the sea from behind places of shelter as if they were surveying an enemy the tremendous sea itself when i could find sufficient pause to look at it in the agitation of the wind the flying stones and sand and the awful noise confounded me as the high watery walls came rolling in and at their highest tumbled into surf they looked as if the least would the town as the receding wave swept back with a hoarse roar it seemed to out deep in the beach as if its purpose were to the earth when some white headed thundered on and dashed themselves to pieces before they reached the land every fragment of the late whole seemed possessed by the full might of its wrath rushing to be gathered to the composition of another monster hills were changed to valleys valleys with a solitary storm bird sometimes through them were lifted up to hills masses of water shivered and shook the beach with a sound every shape rolled on as soon as made to change its shape and place and beat another shape and place away the ideal shore on the horizon with its towers and buildings rose and fell the clouds flew fast and thick i seemed to see a and of all nature not finding ham among the people whom this memorable wind for it is still remembered down there as the greatest ever known to blow upon that coast had brought together i made my way to his house it was shut and as no one answered to my knocking i went by back ways and bye lanes to the yard where he worked i learned there that he had gone to to meet some sudden of in which his skill was required but that he would be back to morrow morning in good time i went back to the inn and when i had washed and dressed and tried to sleep but in vain it was five o clock in the afternoon i had not sat five minutes by the ee room fire when the waiter coming to stir it as an excuse for talking told me that two had gone down with all hands a few miles away and that some other ships had been seen laboring hard in the and trying in great distress to keep off shore mercy the personal history and experience on and on all poor sailors said he if we had another night like the last i was very much depressed in spirits very solitary and felt an uneasiness in ham s not being there to the occasion i was seriously affected without knowing how much by late events and my long exposure to the fierce wind had confused me there was that in my thoughts and recollections that i had lost the clear arrangement of time and distance thus if i had gone out into the town i should not have been surprised i think to encounter some one who i knew must be then in london so to speak there was in these respects a curious in my mind yet it was busy too with all the the place naturally awakened and they were particularly distinct and vivid in this state the waiter s dismal intelligence about the ships immediately connected itself without any effort of my with my uneasiness about ham i was persuaded that i had an apprehension of his returning from by sea and being lost this grew so strong with me that i resolved to go back to the yard before i took my dinner and ask the boat if he thought his attempting to return by sea at au likely if he gave me the least reason to think so i would go over to and prevent it by bringing him with me i hastily ordered my dinner and went back to the yard i was none too soon for the boat with a lantern in his hand was the yard gate he quite laughed when i asked him the question and said there was no fear no man in his senses or out of them would put off in such a gale of wind least of all ham who had been born to so sensible of this beforehand that i had really felt ashamed of doing what i was nevertheless impelled to do
| 8 |
i went back to the inn if such a wind could rise i think it was rising the howl and roar the rattling of the doors and windows the in the chimneys the apparent rocking of the very house that sheltered me and the prodigious tumult of the sea were more fearful than in the morning but there was now a great darkness besides and that invested the storm with new terrors real and fanciful i could not eat i could not sit still i could not continue to anything something within me faintly answering to the storm without tossed up the depths of my memory and made a tumult in them yet in all the hurry of my thoughts wild running with the thundering sea the storm and my uneasiness regarding ham were always in the fore ground my dinner went away almost and i tried to refresh myself with a glass or two of wine in vain i fell into a dull slumber before the e without losing my consciousness either of the uproar out of doors or of the place in which i was both became by a new and horror and when i awoke or rather when i shook off the that bound me in my chair my whole frame thrilled with and unintelligible fear i walked to and fro tried to read an old listened to the awful noises looked at faces scenes and figures in the fire at length v i i q of david the steady of the undisturbed clock on tlie wall tormented me to that degree that i resolved to go to bed it was re assuring on such a night to be told that some of the had agreed together to sit up until morning i went to bed exceedingly weary and heavy but on my lying down all such sensations vanished as if by magic and i was broad awake with every sense refined for hours i lay there listening to the wind and water now that i heard shrieks out at sea now that i distinctly heard the firing of signal guns and now the fall of houses in the town i got up several times and looked out but could see nothing except the reflection in the window panes of the faint candle i had left burning and of my own haggard face looking in at me from the black void at length my restlessness attained to such a pitch that i hurried on my clothes and went down stairs in the large kitchen where i dimly saw bacon and ropes of hanging from the beams the were clustered together in various attitudes about a table purposely moved away from the great chimney and brought near the door a pretty girl who had her ears stopped with her apron and her eyes upon the door screamed when i appeared supposing me to be a spirit but the others had more presence of mind and were glad of an addition to their company one man referring to the topic they had been discussing asked me whether i thought the souls of the who had gone down were out in the storm i remained there i dare say two hours once i opened the and looked into the empty street the sand the sea weed and the of foam were driving by and i was obliged to call for assistance before i could shut the gate again and make it fast against the wind there was a dark gloom in my solitary chamber when i at length returned to it but i was tired now and getting into bed again fell off a tower and down a precipice into the depths of sleep i have an impression that for a long time though i dreamed of being elsewhere and in a variety of scenes it was always blowing in my dream at length i lost that feeble hold upon reality and was engaged with two dear friends but who they were i don t know at the siege of some town in a roar of the thunder of the cannon was so loud and incessant that i could not hear something i much desired to hear until i made a great exertion and aw it was broad day eight or nine o clock the storm raging in of the and some one knocking and calling at my door what is the matter i cried a wreck close by i sprung out of bed and asked what wreck a from spain or laden with fruit and wine make haste sir if you want to see her it s thought down on the beach she go to pieces every moment the excited voice went along the staircase and i in my clothes as quickly as i could and ran into the street numbers of people were there before me all running in one direction o o the personal and experience to the i ran the same way a good many and soon came facing the wild sea the wind might by this time have a little though not more sensibly than if the i had dreamed of had been diminished by the of half a dozen guns out of hundreds but the sea having upon it the additional agitation of the whole night was infinitely more terrific than when i had seen it last every appearance it had then presented bore the expression of being swelled and the height to which the rose and looking over one another bore one another down and rolled in in interminable hosts was most appalling in the difficulty of hearing anything but wind and waves and in the crowd and the unspeakable confusion and my first breathless efforts to stand against the weather i was so confused that i looked out to sea for the wreck and saw nothing but the foaming heads of the great waves a half
| 8 |
dressed standing next me pointed with his bare arm a d arrow on it pointing in the same direction to the left then great heaven i saw it close in upon us one mast was broken short off six or eight feet from the deck and lay over the side entangled in a of sail and and all that ruin as the ship rolled and beat which she did without a moment s pause and with a violence quite inconceivable beat the side as if it would it in some efforts were even then being made to cut this portion of the wreck away for as the ship which was on turned towards us in her rolling i plainly her people at work with especially one active figure with long curling hair conspicuous among the rest but a great cry which was audible even above the wind and water rose from the shore at this moment the sea sweeping over the wreck made a clean breach and carried men heaps of such toys into the boiling the second mast was yet standing with the rags of a rent sail and a wild confusion of broken flapping to and fro the ship had struck once the same hoarsely said in my ear and then lifted in and struck again i understood him to add that she was parting and i could readily suppose so for the rolling and beating were too tremendous for any human work to suffer long as he spoke there was another great cry of pity from the beach four men arose with the wreck out of the deep clinging to the of the remaining mast uppermost the active figure with the curling hair there was a bell on board and as the ship rolled and dashed like a desperate creature driven mad now showing us the whole sweep of her deck as she turned on her beam ends towards the shore now nothing but her as she sprung wildly over and turned towards the sea the bell rang and its sound the of those unhappy men was borne towards us on the wind again we lost her and again she rose two men were gone the agony on shore increased men groaned and clasped their hands women shrieked and turned away their faces some ran wildly up and down along the beach crying for help where no help could be i found myself one of these imploring a knot of sailors whom i knew not to let those two lost creatures perish before our eyes of david go they were out to me in an agitated way i don t know how for the little i hear i was scarcely composed enough to understand that the life boat had been bravely an hour ago and could do nothing and that as no man would be so desperate as to attempt to off with a rope and establish a communication with the shore there was nothing left to try when i noticed that some new sensation moved the people on the beach and saw them part and ham come breaking through them to the front i ran to him as well as i know to repeat my appeal for help but distracted though i was by a sight so new to me and terrible the determination in his face and his look out to sea exactly the same look as i remembered in with the morning after s flight awoke me to a knowledge of his danger i held him back with both arms and implored the men with whom i had been speaking not to listen to him not to do murder not to let him stir from off that sand another cry arose on shore and looking to the wreck we saw the cruel sail with blow on blow beat off the lower of the two men and fly up in triumph round the active figure left alone upon the mast against such a sight and against such determination as that of the calmly desperate man who was already accustomed to lead half the people present i might as have entreated the wind r l he said cheerily grasping me by both hands if my time is come tis come if tan t bide it lord above bless you and bless all mates make me ready i m a going off i was swept away but not to some distance where the people around me made me stay urging as i perceived that he was bent on going with help or without and that i should the precautions for his safety by troubling those with whom they rested i don t know what i answered or what they rejoined but i saw hurry on the beach and men running with ropes from a that was there and penetrating into a circle of figures that hid him from me then i saw him standing alone in a seaman s frock and a rope in his hand or to his wrist another round his body and several of the best men holding at a little distance to the latter which he laid out himself slack upon the shore at his feet the wreck even to my eye was breaking up i saw that she was parting in the middle and that the life of the solitary man upon the mast hung by a thread still he clung to it he had a singular red cap on not like a sailor s cap but of a finer color and as the few yielding between him and destruction rolled and and his death rung he was seen by all of us to wave it i saw him do it now and thought i was going distracted when his action brought an old remembrance to my mind of a once dear friend ham watched the sea standing alone with the silence of suspended
| 8 |
breath behind him and the storm before until there was a great ing wave when with a backward glance at those who held the rope which was made fast round his body he dashed in after it and in a moment was with the water rising with the hills falling with the valleys lost beneath the foam then drawn again to land they hauled in hastily oo the personal history and experience he was hurt i saw blood on his face from where i stood but he took no thought of that he seemed hurriedly to give them some directions for leaving him more free or so i judged from the motion of his arm and was gone as before and now he made for the wreck rising with the hills falling with the valleys lost beneath the rugged foam in towards the shore borne on towards the ship striving hard and the distance was nothing but the power of the sea and wind made the strife deadly at length he the wreck he was so near that with one more of his vigorous strokes he would be clinging to it when a high green vast hill side of water moving on from beyond the ship he seemed to leap up into it with a mighty bound and the ship was gone some fragments i saw in the sea as if a mere had been broken in running to the spot where they were in consternation was in every face they drew him to my very feet insensible dead he was carried to the nearest house and no one preventing me now i remained near him busy while every means of restoration were tried but he had been beaten to death by the great wave and his generous heart was for ever as i sat beside the bed when hope was abandoned and all was done a who had known me when and i were children and ever since whispered my name at the door sir said he with tears starting to his weather beaten face which with his trembling lips was pale will you come over yonder the old remembrance that had been recalled to me was in his look i asked him terror stricken leaning on the arm he held out to support me has a body come ashore he said yes do i know it i asked then he answered nothing but he led me to the shore and on that part of it where she and i had looked for shells two children on that part of it where some lighter fragments of the old boat blown down last night had been scattered by the wind among the ruins of the home he had wronged i saw him lying with his head upon his arm as i had often seen him lie at school chapter the new wound and the old no need to have said when we last spoke together in that hour which i so little deemed to be our parting hour no need to have said think of me at my best i had done that ever and could i change now looking on this sight they brought a hand and laid him on it and covered him with a of david flag and took him up and bore him on towards the houses all the men who carried him had known him and gone sailing with him and seen him merry and bold they carried him through the wild roar a hush in the midst of all the tumult and took him to the cottage where death was already but when they set the down on the threshold they looked at one another and at me and whispered i knew why they felt as if it were not right to lay him down in the same quiet room we went into the town and took our burden to the inn so soon as i at all collect my thoughts i sent for and begged him to provide me a conveyance in which it could be got to london in the night i knew that the care of it and the hard duty of preparing his mother to receive it could only rest with me and i was anxious to discharge that duty as faithfully as i could i chose the night lor the journey that there might be less curiosity when i left the town but although it was nearly midnight when i came out of the yard in a chaise followed by what i had in charge there were many people waiting at intervals along the town and even a little way out upon the road i saw more but at length only the bleak night and the open country were around me and the ashes of my youthful friendship upon a mellow autumn day about noon when the ground was by fallen leaves and many more in beautiful tints of yellow red and brown yet hung upon the trees through which the sun was shining i arrived at i walked the last mile thinking as i went along of what i had to do and left the carriage that had followed me all through the night awaiting orders to advance the house when i came up to it looked just the same not a blind was raised no sign of life was in the dull paved court with its covered way leading to the door the wind had quite gone down and nothing moved i had not at first the corn age to ring at the gate and when i did ring my errand seemed to me to be expressed in the very sound of the bell the little parlour maid came out with the key in her hand and looking earnestly at me as she unlocked the gate said i beg your pardon sir are you ill i have been
| 8 |
much agitated and am fatigued is anything the matter sir mr james hush said i yes something has happened that i have to break to ii s she is at home the girl anxiously replied that her mistress was very seldom out now even in a carriage that she kept her room that she saw no company but would see me her mistress was up she said and miss was with her what message should she take up stairs giving her a strict charge to be careful of her manner and only to carry in my card and say i waited i sat down in the drawing room which we had now reached until she should come back its former pleasant air of occupation was gone and the shutters were half closed the harp had not been used for many and many a day his picture as a boy was there the cabinet in which his mother had kept his letters was there the and experience i wondered if she ever read them now if she would ever read more the house was so still that i heard the girl s light step up stairs on her return she brought a message to the effect tliat mrs was an invalid and could not come down but that if i would excuse her being in her chamber she would be glad to see me in a few moments i stood before her she was in his room not in her own i felt of com se that she had taken to occupy it in remembrance of him and that the many tokens of his old sports and accomplishments by which she was surrounded remained there just as he had left them for the same reason she murmured however even in her reception of me that she was out of her own chamber because its aspect was to her infirmity and with her stately look the least suspicion of the truth at her chair as usual was the first moment of her k eyes resting on me i saw she knew i was the bearer of evil tidings the sprung into view that instant she withdrew herself a step behind the to keep her own face out of mrs s observation and me with a piercing gaze that never faltered never shrunk i am sorry to observe you are in sir said mrs i am unhappily a said i you are very young to know so great a loss she returned i am grieved to hear it i am grieved to hear it i hope time will be good to you i hope time said i looking at her wiu be good to all of us dear we must all trust to tliat in our heaviest misfortunes the earnestness of my manner and the tears in my eyes alarmed her the whole course of her thoughts appeared to stop and change i tried to command my voice in gently saying his name but it trembled she repeated it to herself two or thi ee times in a low tone then addressing me she said with enforced calmness my son is ill very ill you have seen him i have ai e you reconciled i could not say yes i could not say she slightly turned her head towards the spot where had been standing at her elbow and in that moment i said by the motion of my lips to dead that might not be induced to look behind her and read plainly written what she was not yet prepared to know i met her look quickly but i had seen throw her hands up in the air with vehemence of despair and horror and then clasp them on her face the handsome lady so like so like me with a fixed look and put her hand to her forehead i her to be calm and prepare herself to bear what i had to tell but should rather have entreated her to weep for she sat hke a stone figure of david when i was last here i faltered miss told me he was sailing here and there the night before last was a dreadful one at sea if lie were at sea that night and near a dangerous coast as it is said he was and if the vessel that was seen should really be the ship which said mrs come to me she came but with no sympathy or gentleness her eyes gleamed like fire as she confronted his mother and broke into a frightful laugh now she said is your pride appeased you now has he made to you with his life do you hear his life fallen back stiffly in her chair and making no sound but a moan cast her eyes upon her with a wide stare aye cried herself passionately on the breast look at me moan and groan and look at me look here striking the at your dead child s handy work the moan the mother uttered from time to time went to my heart always the same always inarticulate and stifled always accompanied with an incapable motion of the head but with no change of face always proceeding from a rigid mouth and closed teeth as if the jaw were locked and the face frozen up in pain do you remember when he did this she proceeded do you remember when in his inheritance of your nature and in your of his pride and passion he did this and me for life look at me marked until i die with his high displeasure and moan and groan for what you made him miss i entreated her for heaven s sake i will speak she said turning on me with her lightning eyes be silent you look at me i say proud mother of a proud false son moan for your of him moan for your corruption of him
| 8 |
moan for your loss of him moan for mine she clenched her hand and trembled through her spare worn figure as if her passion were killing her by inches you resent his she exclaimed you injured by his haughty temper you who opposed to both when your hair was grey the qualities which made both when you gave him birth you who from his cradle reared him to be what he was and what he should have been are you rewarded now for your years of trouble miss shame cruel i tell you she returned i will speak to her no power on earth should stop me while i was standing here have i been silent all these years and shall i not speak now i loved him better than you ever loved him turning on her fiercely i could have loved him and asked no return if i had been his wife i could have been the slave of his for a word of love a year i should have been who knows it better than i you were proud selfish my love would have been devoted would have trod your paltry under foot with flashing eyes she stamped upon the ground as if she actually did it the personal history and experience look here said striking the again witli a hand when he grew into the better understanding of what he had done he saw it and repented of it i could sing to him and talk to him and show the that i felt in all he did and attain with labor to knowledge as most interested him and i attracted him when he was and truest he loved me yes he did many a time when you were put off with a word he has taken me to his heart she said it with a pride in the midst of her frenzy for it was little less yet with an eager remembrance of it in which the embers of a feeling kindled for the moment i descended as i might have known i should but that he fascinated me with his boyish courtship into a doll a trifle for the occupation of an idle hour to be dropped and taken up and with as the humour took him w hen he grew weary i grew weary as his fancy died out i would no more have tried to strengthen any power i had than i would have married him on his being forced to take me for his wife we fell away from one another without a word perhaps you saw it and were not sorry since then i have been a mere piece of furniture between you both having no eyes no ears no feelings no moan moan for what you made him not for your love i tell you that the time was when i loved him better than you ever did she stood with her bright angry eyes the wide stare and the set face and softened no more when the moaning was repeated than if the face had been a picture miss said i if you can be so as not to feel for this afflicted mother who feels for me she sharply retorted she has sown this let her moan for the harvest that she to day and if his faults i began faults she cried bursting into passionate tears who dares him he had a soul worth millions of the friends to whom he stooped no one can have loved him better no one can hold him in dearer remembrance than i i replied i meant to say if you have no compassion for his mother or if his faults you have been bitter on them it s false she cried tearing her black hair i loved him cannot i went on be banished from your remembrance in such an hour look at that figure even as one you have never seen before and render it some help all this time the figure was unchanged and looked rigid staring moaning in the same dumb way from time to time with the same helpless motion of the head but giving no other sign of life miss suddenly down before it and began to the dress a curse upon you she said looking round at me with a mingled expression of rage and grief it was in an evil hour that you ever came here a curse upon you go after passing out of the room i hurried back to ring the bell the sooner to alarm the servants she had then taken the figure in her arms and still upon her knees was over it kissing it calling to of david copper ld it rocking it to and fro upon her bosom like a child and every tender means to rouse the senses longer afraid of leaving her i noiselessly turned back again and alarmed the house as i went out later in the day i returned and we laid him in his mother s room she was just the same they told me miss never left her doctors were in attendance many things had been tried but she lay like a statue except for the low sound now and then i v ent through the dreary house and darkened the windows the windows of the chamber where he lay i darkened last i lifted up the leaden hand and held it to my heart and all the world seemed death and silence broken only by his mother s the one thing more i had to do before yielding myself to the shock of these emotions it was to conceal what had occurred from those who were going away and to dismiss them on their voyage in happy ignorance in this no time was to be lost i took mr aside that same night and confided to him the task of standing
| 8 |
with an intense satisfaction in their we abandon the of the forest cannot of course expect to in the of the land of the here a boy came in to say that mr was wanted down stairs i have a said s setting down her tin pot that it is a member of my family if so my dear observed mr v ith his usual suddenness of warmth on that subject as the member of your family whoever he she or it may be has kept us waiting for a considerable period perhaps the member may now wait my convenience said his wife in a low tone at such a time as this it is not meet said mr rising that every nice offence should bear its comment i stand the loss observed his wife has been my family s not yours if my family are at length sensible of the to which their own conduct has in the past exposed them and now desire to extend the hand of fellowship let it not be my dear he returned so be it if not for their for mine said his wife he returned that view of the question is at such a moment irresistible i cannot even now distinctly pledge myself to fall upon your family s neck but the member of your family who is now in attendance shall have no genial warmth frozen by me mr withdrew and was absent some little time in the course of which mrs was not wholly free from an apprehension that words might have arisen between him and the member at length the same boy re appeared and presented me with a note written in pencil and headed in a legal manner v this document i learned that mr being again arrested was in a final of despair and that he begged me to send him his knife and pint pot by bearer as they might prove serviceable during the brief remainder the personal history and experience of his existence in jail he also requested as a last act of friendship that i would see his family to the parish and forget that such a being ever lived of course i answered this note by going down with the boy to pay the money where i found mr sitting in a corner looking darkly at the s officer who had effected the capture on his release he embraced me with the utmost and made an entry of the transaction in his pocket book being very particular i recollect about a i omitted from my statement of the total this momentous pocket book was a to him of another transaction on our return to the room upstairs where he accounted for his absence by saying that it had been occasioned by circumstances over which he had no control he took out of it a large sheet of paper folded small and quite covered with long sums carefully worked the glimpse i had of them i should say that i never saw such sums out of a school book these it seemed were calculation of compound interest on what he called the principal amount of ten eleven and a half for various periods after a careful consideration of these and an elaborate estimate of his resources he had come to the conclusion to select that sum which represented the amount with compound interest to two years fifteen months and fourteen days from that date for this he had drawn a note of hand with great neatness which he handed over to on the spot a discharge of his debt in full as between man and man with many i have still a said mrs shaking her head that my family will appear on board before we finally depart mr evidently had his on the subject too but he put it in his tin pot and swallowed it if you have any opportunity of sending letters home on your passage mrs said my aunt you must let us hear from you you know my dear miss she replied i shall only be too happy to think that anyone expects to hear from us i shall not fail to correspond mr i trust as an old and familiar friend will not object to receive occasional intelligence himself from one who knew him when the were yet unconscious i said that i should hope to hear whenever she had an opportunity of writing please heaven there will be many such opportunities said mr the ocean in these times is a perfect fleet of ships and we can hardly fail to encounter many in running over it is merely crossing said mr trifling with his eye glass merely crossing the distance is quite imaginary i think now how odd it was but how wonderfully like mr that when he went from london to he should have talked as if he were going to the farthest limits of the earth and when he went from england to as if he were going for a little trip across the channel of david on the voyage i shall endeavour said mr occasionally to spin them a and the melody of my son will i trust be acceptable at the fire when mrs has lier sea legs on an expression in which i hope there is no conventional she will give them i dare say little and i believe will be frequently observed our bows and either on the or the quarter objects of interest will be continually in short said mr with the old genteel air the probability is all will be found so exciting and aloft that when the look out stationed in the main top cries land ho we shall be very considerably astonished with that he flourished off the contents of his little tin pot as if he had made the voyage and had passed a first class examination before the highest
| 8 |
naval authorities what chiefly hope my dear mr said mrs is that in some branches of our family we may live again in the old country do not frown i do not now refer to my own family but to our children however vigorous the said airs shaking her head i cannot forget the parent tree and when our race to eminence and fortune i own should wish that fortune to flow into the of my dear said mr must take her chance i am bound to say that she has never done much for me and that i have no particular wish upon the subject returned mrs there you are wrong you are going out to this distant to strengthen not to the between yourself and the in question my love rejoined mr has not laid me i repeat under that load of personal obligation that i am at au sensitive as to the formation of another returned mrs there i again say you are you do not know your power it is that which will strengthen even in this step you are about to take the between yourself and mr sat in his elbow chair with his eyebrows raised half receiving and half mrs s views as they were stated but very sensible of their foresight my dear air said mrs i wish air to feel his position it appears to me highly important that air should from the hour of his feel his position y our old knowledge of me my dear air will have told you that i have not the sanguine disposition of air disposition is if i may say so eminently practical i know that this is a long voyage i know that it will involve many and i cannot shut my eyes to those facts but i also know w hat air is i know the latent power of air and therefore i consider it important that mr should feel his position my love he observed perhaps you will allow me to remark that it is barely possible that i do feel my position at the present moment i think not she rejoined not fully dear the personal and experience mr mr s is not a common case mr is going to a distant country expressly in order that he may be fully understood and appreciated for the first time i wish mr to take his stand upon that vessel s and firmly say this country i am come to conquer have you honours have you riches have you posts of profitable pecuniary let them be brought forward they are mine mr glancing at us all seemed to think there was a good deal in this idea i wish mr if i make myself understood said mrs in her tone to be the caesar of his own fortunes that my dear mr appears to me to be his true position the first moment of this voyage i wish mr to stand upon that vessel s and say enough of delay enough of disappointment enough of limited means that was in the old country this is the new your bring it forward mr folded his arms in a resolute manner as if he were then stationed on the figure head and doing that said mrs feeling his position am i not right in saying that mr will strengthen and not his with britain an important public character arising in that shall i be told that its influence will not be felt at home can i be so weak as to imagine that mr the rod of talent and of power in will be nothing in england i am but a woman but i should be unworthy of myself and of my papa if i were guilty of such absurd weakness mrs s conviction that her arguments were gave a moral elevation to her tone which i think i had never heard in it before and therefore it is said mrs that i the more wish that at a future period we may live again on the parent soil mr maybe i cannot disguise from myself that the probability is mr will be a page of history and he ought then to be represented in the country which gave him birth and did not give him employment my love observed mr it is impossible for me not to be touched by affection i am always willing to to your good sense what will be will be heaven forbid that i should grudge my native country any portion of the wealth that may be accumulated by our descendants that s well said my aunt nodding towards mr and i drink my love to you all and every blessing and success attend you mr put down the two children he had been nursing one on each knee to join mr and mrs in drinking to all of us in return and when he and the cordially shook hands as comrades and his brown face brightened with a smile i felt that he would make his way establish a good name aud be beloved go where he would even the children were instructed each to dip a wooden spoon into mr s pot and pledge us in its contents when this was done my aunt and rose and parted from the it was a sorrowful farewell they were all crying the children hung about of david to the last and we left poor mrs in a very distressed condition sobbing and weeping by a dim candle that must have made the room look from the river like a miserable light i went down again next morning to see that they were away they had departed in a boat as early as five o clock it was a wonderful instance to me of the gap such make that although my association of them with the tumble down public house and the wooden stairs dated
| 8 |
only from last night both seemed dreary and deserted now that they were gone in the afternoon of the next day my old nurse and i went down to we found the ship in the river surrounded by a crowd of boats a favourable wind blowing the signal for sailing at her mast head i hired a boat directly and we put off to her and getting through the little of confusion of which she was the centre went on board mr was waiting for us on deck he told me that ir had just now been arrested again a ad for the last time at the suit of and that in compliance with a request i had made to him he had paid the money which i repaid him he then took us down between decks and there any lingering fears i had of his having heard any of what had happened were by mr s coming out of the gloom taking his arm with an air of friendship and protection and telling me that they had scarcely been asunder for a moment since the night before last it was such a strange scene to me and so confined and dark that at first i could make out hardly anything but by degrees it cleared as my eyes became more accustomed to the gloom and i seemed to stand in a picture by among the great beams and of the ship and the and and bundles and barrels and heaps of miscellaneous baggage lighted up here and there by dangling and elsewhere by the day light down a or a were crowded groups of people making new taking leave of one another talking laughing crying eating and drinking some already settled down into the possession of their few feet of space their little arranged and tiny children established on or in dwarf elbow chairs others despairing of a and wandering from babies who had but a week or two of life behind them to crooked old men and women who seemed to have but a week or two of life before them and from bodily carrying out soil of england on their boots to taking away of its and smoke upon their skins ever age and occupation appeared to be crammed into the narrow compass of the decks as my eye glanced round this place i thought i saw sitting by an open port with one of the children near her a figure like s it first attracted my attention by another figure parting from it with a kiss and as it glided calmly away through the disorder reminding me of but in the rapid motion and confusion and in the of my own thoughts i lost it again and only knew that the time was come w hen all visitors were being warned to leave the ship that my nurse was crying on a chest beside me and that mrs g the history and experience assisted by some younger stooping woman in black was busily arranging ir s goods is there any last r said he is there any one forgotten thing afore we parts one thing said i he touched the younger woman i have mentioned on the shoulder and stood before me heaven bless you you good man cried i you take her with you she answered for him with a burst of tears i could speak no more at that time but i wrung his hand and if ever i have loved and honored any man i loved and honored that man in my soul the ship was clearing fast of strangers the greatest trial that i had remained i told him what the noble spirit that was gone had given me in charge to say at parting it moved him deeply but when he charged me in return with many messages of affection and regret for those deaf ears he moved me more the time was come i embraced him took my weeping nurse upon my arm and hurried away on deck i took leave of poor mrs she was looking about for her family even then and her last words to me were that she never would desert mr we went over the side into our boat and lay at a little distance to see the ship on her course it was then calm radiant sunset she lay between us and the red light and every line and was visible against the glow a sight at once so beautiful so mournful and so hopeful as the glorious ship lying still on the flushed water with all the life on board her crowded at the and there for a moment bare headed and silent i never saw silent only for a moment as the sails rose to the wind and the ship began to move there broke from all the boats three cheers which those on board took up and echoed back and which were echoed and re echoed my heart burst out when i heard the sound and beheld the waving of the hats and handkerchiefs and then i saw her then i saw her at her uncle s side and trembling on his shoulder he pointed to us with an eager hand and she saw us and waved her last to me aye beautiful and drooping cling to him with the utmost trust of thy bruised heart for he has clung to thee with all the might of his great love surrounded by the rosy light and standing high upon the deck apart together she to him and he holding her they solemnly passed away the night had fallen on the hills when we were rowed ashore and fallen darkly upon me of david chapter absence it was a long and gloomy tliat gathered on me haunted by the ghosts of many hopes of many dear many errors many sorrows and regrets i went away from england
| 8 |
not knowing even then how great the shock was that i had to bear i left all who were dear to me and went away and believed that i had borne it and it was past as a man upon a field of battle will receive a mortal hurt and scarcely know that he is struck so i when i was left alone with my heart had no conception of the wound with which it had to strive the knowledge came upon me not quickly but little by little and grain by grain the desolate feeling with which i went abroad deepened and at first it was a heavy sense of loss and sorrow wherein i could distinguish little else by degrees it became a hopeless consciousness of all that i had lost love friendship interest of au that had been shattered my first trust my first affection the whole airy castle of my life of all that remained a ruined blank and waste lying wide around me unbroken to the dark horizon if my grief were selfish i did not know it to be so i mourned for my child wife taken from her blooming world so young i mourned for him who might have won the love and admiration of thousands as he had won mine long ago i mourned for the broken heart that had found rest in the stormy sea and for the wandering of the simple home where i had heard the night wind blowing when i was a child the accumulated sadness into which i fell i had at length no hope of ever issuing again i from place to place carrying my burden with me everywhere i felt its whole weight now and i drooped beneath it and i said in my heart that it could never be lightened when this despondency was at its worst i believed that i should die sometimes i thought that i would like to die at home and actually turned back on my road that i might get there soon at other times i passed on farther away from city to city seeking i know not what and trying to leave i know not what behind it is not in my power to one by one all the weary phases of distress of mind through which i passed there are some dreams that only be imperfectly and vaguely described and when i oblige myself to look back on this time of my life i seem to be recalling such a dream i see myself passing on among the of foreign towns palaces temples pictures castles fantastic streets the old abiding places of history and as a might bearing my painful load through all and hardly conscious of the objects as they fade p p the and experience before me to but brooding n was tlie night that fell on my heart let me look up from it as at last i did thank heaven and from its long sad wretched dream to dawn for many months i travelled with this ever darkening cloud upon my mind some blind reasons that i had for not returning home reasons then struggling within me vainly for more distinct expression kept me on my pilgrimage sometimes i had proceeded from place to place stopping nowhere sometimes i had lingered long in one spot i had had no purpose no soul within me anywhere i was in i had come out of italy over one of the great passes of the and had since wandered with a guide among the bye ways of the mountains if those awful had spoken to my heart i did not know it i had found and wonder in the dread heights and in the roaring torrents and the of ice and snow but as yet they had taught me nothing else i came one evening before sunset down into a valley where i was to rest in the course of my descent to it by the winding track along the mountain side from which i saw it shining far below i think some sense of beauty and tranquillity some softening influence awakened by its peace moved faintly in my breast i remember pausing once with a kind of sorrow that was not all oppressive not quite despairing i remember almost hoping that some better change was possible within me i came into the valley as the evening sun was shining on the remote heights of snow that closed it in like eternal clouds the of the mountains forming the in which the little village lay were richly green and high above this vegetation grew forests of dark fir the wintry snow drift like and the above these were range upon range of grey rock bright ice and smooth of pasture all gradually with the crowning snow dotted here and there on the mountain s side each tiny dot a home were lonely wooden cottages so by the towering heights that they appeared too small for toys so did even the clustered village in the valley with its wooden bridge across the stream where the stream tumbled over broken rocks and roared away among the trees in the quiet air there was a sound of distant singing shepherd voices but as one bright evening cloud floated along the mountain s side i could almost have believed it came from there and was not earthly music all at once in this serenity great nature spoke to me and soothed me to lay down my weary head upon the grass and weep as i had not wept yet since died i had found a packet of letters awaiting me but a few minutes before and had strolled out of the village to read them while my supper was making ready other had missed me and i had received none for a long time beyond a line or two to
| 8 |
say that i was well and had arrived at such a place i had not had fortitude or constancy to write a letter since i left home the packet was in my hand i opened it and read the writing of of david she was happy and useful was pi as she had hoped that was all she told me of herself the rest referred to me she gave me no advice she urged no duty on me she only told me in her own fervent manner what her trust in me was she knew she said how such a nature as mine would turn affliction to good she knew how trial and emotion would and strengthen it she was sure that in my every purpose i should gain a firmer and a higher tendency through the grief i had undergone she who so in my fame and so looked forward to its well knew that i would labor on she knew that in me sorrow could not be weakness but must be strength as the endurance of my childish days had done its part to make me what i was so greater would nerve me on to be yet better than i was and so as they had taught me would i teach others she commended me to god who had taken my innocent darling to his rest and in her affection cherished me always and was always at my side go where i would proud of what i had done but infinitely yet of what i was reserved to do i put the letter in my breast and thought what had i been an hour ago when i heard the voices die away and saw the quiet evening cloud grow dim and all the colors in the valley fade and the golden snow upon the mountain tops become a remote part of the pale night sky yet felt that the night was passing from my mind and all its shadows clearing there was no name for the love bore her dearer to me than ever until then i read her letter many times i wrote to her before i slept i told her that i had been in sore need of her help that without her i was not and i never had been what she thought me but that she inspired me to be that and i would try i did try in three months more a year would have passed since the beginning of my sorrow i determined to make no resolutions until the of those three months but to try i lived in that valley and its neighbourhood all the time the three months gone i resolved to remain away from home for some time longer to settle myself for the present in was growing dear to me in the remembrance of that evening to resume my pen to work i resorted humbly whither had commended me i sought out nature never sought in vain and i admitted to my breast the human interest i had lately shrunk from it was not long before i had almost as many friends in the valley as in and when i left it before the winter set in for and came back in the spring their cordial greetings had a homely sound to me although they were not conveyed in english words i worked early and late patiently and hard i wrote a story with a pose growing not out of my experience and sent it to and he arranged for its publication very for me and the tidings of my growing reputation began to reach me from travellers whom i encountered by chance after some rest and change i fell to work in my old ardent way on a new fancy took strong possession of me as i advanced in the execution of this task i felt it more and history and more and roused my utmost energies to do it well this was my third work of fiction it was not half written when in an interval of rest i thought of returning home a long time though studying and working patiently i had accustomed myself to robust exercise my health severely when i left england was quite restored i had seen much i had been in many countries and i hope i had improved my store of knowledge i have now recalled all that i think it needful to here of this term of absence with one i have made it thus far with no purpose of any of my thoughts for as i have elsewhere said this narrative is my written memory i have desired to keep the most secret current of my mind apart and to the last i enter on it now i cannot so completely penetrate the mystery of my own heart as to know when i began to think that i might have set its and brightest hopes on i cannot say at what stage of my grief it first became associated with the reflection that in my boyhood i had thrown away the treasure of her love i believe i may have heard some whisper of that distant thought in the old unhappy loss or want of something never to be of which i had been sensible but the thought came into my mind as a new reproach and new regret when i was left so sad and lonely in the world if at that time i had been much with her i should in the weakness of my desolation have betrayed this it was what i dreaded when i was first impelled to stay away from england i could not have borne to lose the smallest portion of her affection yet in that i should have set a between us hitherto unknown i could not forget that the feeling with which she now regarded me had grown up in my own free choice and course that if
| 8 |
she had ever loved me with another love and i sometimes thought the time was when she might have done so i had cast it away it was nothing now that i had accustomed myself to think of her when we were both mere children as one who was far removed from my wild fancies i had bestowed my passionate tenderness upon another object and what i might have done i had not done and what was to me i and her own noble heart had made her in the beginning of the change that gradually worked in me when i tried to get a better understanding of myself and be a better man i did glance through some indefinite to a period when i might possibly hope to the mistaken past and to be so blessed as to marry her but as time wore on this shadowy prospect faded and departed from me if she had ever loved me then i should hold her the more sacred remembering the confidences i had in her her knowledge of my heart the sacrifice she must have made to be my friend and sister and the victory she had won if she had never loved me could i believe that she would love me now i had always felt my weakness in comparison with her constancy and fortitude and now i felt it more and more whatever i might have been to her or she to me if i had been more worthy of her long ago i was of david not now and she was not the time was past i had let it go by and had lost her that i suffered much in these that they filled me with and remorse and yet that i had a sense that it was required of me in right and honor to keep away from myself with shame the thought of turning to the dear girl in the withering of my hopes from whom i had turned when they were bright and fresh which consideration was at the root of every thought i had concerning her is all equally true i made no effort to conceal from myself now that i loved her that i was devoted to her but i brought the assurance home to myself that it was now too late and that our relation must be undisturbed i had thought much and often of my s out to me what might have happened in those years that were destined not to try us i had considered how the things that never happen are often as much realities to us in their effects as those that are accomplished the very years she spoke of were realities now for my and would have been one day a little later perhaps though we had parted in our earliest folly i endeavoured to convert what might have been between myself and into a means of making me more self denying more resolved more conscious of myself and my defects and errors thus through the reflection that it might have been i arrived at the conviction that it could never be these with their and were the shifting of my mind from the time of my departure to the time of my return home three years afterwards three years had elapsed since the sailing of the ship when at that same hour of sunset and in tlie same place i stood on the deck of the packet vessel that brought me home looking on the rosy water where i had seen the image of that ship reflected three years long in the though short as they went by and home was very dear to me and too but she was not mine she was never to be mine she might have been but that was past the personal history experience i landed in london on a wintry autumn evening it was dark and and i saw more fog and mud in a minute than i had seen in a year i walked from the custom house to the monument before i found a coach and although the very house fronts looking on the swollen we e like old friends to me i could not but admit that they were dingy friends i have often remarked i suppose everybody has that one s going away from a familiar place would seem to be the signal for change in it as i looked out of the coach window and observed that an old house on street hill which had stood untouched by painter carpenter or for a had been pulled down in my absence and that a neighbouring street of time honored and inconvenience was being drained and i half expected to find st paul s cathedral looking older for some changes in the fortunes of my friends i was prepared my aunt had long been re established at and had begun to get into some little practice at the bar in the very first term after my departure he had chambers in gray s inn now and had told me in his last letters that he was not hopes of being soon united to the dearest girl in the world they expected me home before christmas but had no idea of my returning so soon i had purposely them that i might have the pleasure of taking them by surprise and yet i was perverse enough to feel a chill and disappointment in receiving no welcome and rattling alone and silent through the misty streets the well known shops however with their cheerful lights did something for me and when i alighted at the door of the gray s inn i had recovered my its it recalled at first that so different time when i had put up at the golden cross and reminded me of the changes that had come to pass since then but that
| 8 |
was natural do you know where mr lives in the inn i asked the waiter as i warmed myself by the coffee room fire court sir number two ir has a rising reputation among the lawyers i believe said i well sir returned the waiter probably he has sir but i am not aware of it myself this waiter who was middle aged and spare looked for help to a v of more authority a stout old man with a double chin in black breeches and stockings who came out of a place like a church of david s at the end of the coffee where he kept company with a cash box a a law list and other books and papers said the spare waiter number two in the court the waiter waved him away and turned gravely to me i was inquiring said i whether mr at number two in the court has not a rising reputation among the lawyers never heard his name said the waiter in a rich voice i felt quite for he s a young man sure said the waiter fixing his eyes severely on me how long has he been in the inn not above three years said i the waiter who i supposed had lived in his s for forty years could not pursue such an insignificant subject he asked me what i would have for dinner i felt i was in england again and really was quite cast down on s account there seemed to be no hope for him i meekly ordered a bit of fish and a and stood before the fire musing on his obscurity as i followed the chief waiter with my eyes i could not help thinking that the garden in which he had gradually blown to be the flower he was was an place to rise in it had such a long established solemn elderly air i glanced about the room which had had its floor no doubt in exactly the same manner when the chief waiter was a boy if he ever was a boy which appeared improbable and at the shining tables where i saw myself reflected in depths of old mahogany and at the lamps without a flaw in their or cleaning and at the comfortable green curtains with their pure brass rods the boxes and at the two large coal fires brightly burning and at the rows of as if with the consciousness of pipes of expensive old port wine below and both england and the law appeared to me to be very difficult indeed to be taken by storm i went up to my bed room to change my wet clothes and the vast extent of that old apartment which was over the leading to the inn i remember and the of the four post and the gravity of the of drawers all seemed to unite in sternly frowning on the fortunes of or on any such daring youth i came down again to my dinner and even the slow comfort of the meal and the orderly silence of the place which was bare of guests the long not yet being over were eloquent on the audacity of and his small hopes of a for twenty years to come i had seen nothing like this since i went away and it quite dashed my hopes for my friend the chief waiter had had enough of me he came near me no more but devoted himself to an old gentleman in long to meet whom a pint of special port seemed to come out of the cellar of its own accord for he gave no order the second waiter informed me in a whisper that this old gentleman was a retired living in the square and worth a of money which it was expected he would leave to his s daughter that it was that he had a service of plate in a all with lying by though more than one spoon and a fork had never yet been beheld in his chambers by mortal the personal history and experience vision by this time i quite gave up for lost and settled in my own mind that there was no hope for him being very anxious to see the dear old fellow nevertheless i despatched my dinner in a manner not at all calculated to raise me in the opinion of the chief waiter and hurried out by the back way two in the court was soon reached and an inscription on the door post informing me that mr occupied a set of chambers on the top story i ascended the staircase a crazy old staircase i found it to be feebly lighted on each landing by a club headed little oil dying away in a little of dirty glass in the course of my stumbling up stairs i fancied i heard a pleasant sound of laughter and not the laughter of an attorney or or attorney s clerk or s clerk but of two or three merry happening however as i stopped to listen to put my foot in a hole where the honorable society of gray s inn had left a plank deficient i fell down with some noise and when i recovered my footing all was silent groping my way more carefully for the rest of the journey my heart beat high when i found the outer door which had mr painted on it open i knocked a considerable within ensued but nothing else i therefore knocked again a small sharp looking lad half and half clerk who was very much out of breath but who looked at me as if he defied me to prove it presented himself is mr within said i yes sir but he s engaged i want to see him after a moment s survey of me the sharp looking lad decided to let me in and opening the
| 8 |
to rough it as i said just now and we did a bed last week upon the floor here but there s a little room in the roof a very nice room when you re up there which herself to surprise me and that s our room at present it s a capital little sort of place there s quite a view from it and you are happily married at last my dear said i how rejoiced i am thank you my dear said as we shook hands once more y es i am as happy as it s possible to be there s your old friend you see said nodding triumphantly at the flower pot and stand and there s the table with the marble top au the other furniture is plain and serviceable you perceive and as to plate lord bless you we haven t so much as a tea spoon ail to be earned said i cheerfully exactly so replied all to be earned of course we have something in the shape of tea because we stir our tea but they re metal of david the silver will be the brighter when it comes said i the very thing we say cried you see my dear falling again into the low confidential tone after i had delivered my argument in which did me great service with the profession i went down into and had some serious conversation in private the i dwelt upon the fact that who i do assure you is the dearest girl i am certain she is said i she is indeed rejoined but i am afraid i am wandering from the subject did i mention the reverend you said that you dwelt upon the fact true upon the fact that and i had been engaged for a long period and that with the permission of her parents was more than content to take me in short said with his old frank smile on our present metal footing very well i then proposed to the who is a most excellent clergyman and ought to be a bishop or at least ought to have enough to live upon without himself that if i could turn the corner say of two hundred and fifty pounds in one year and could see my way pretty clearly to that or something better next year and could plainly furnish a little place like this besides then and in that case and i should be united i took the liberty of representing that we had been patient for a good many years and that the circumstance of s being useful at home ought not to operate with her affectionate parents against her establishment in life don t you see certainly it ought not said i i am glad you think so rejoined because without any on the reverend i do think parents and brothers and so forth are sometimes rather selfish in such cases well i also pointed out that my most earnest desire was to be useful to the family and that if i got on in the world and anything should happen to him i refer to the reverend i understand said i or to mrs it w ould be the utmost gratification of my wishes to be a parent to the girls he replied in a most admirable manner exceedingly flattering to my feelings and undertook to obtain the consent of mrs to this arrangement they had a dreadful time of it with her it mounted from her legs into her chest and then into her head what mounted i asked her grief replied with a serious look her feelings generally as i mentioned on a former occasion she is a very superior woman but has lost the use of her limbs whatever occurs to her usually settles in her legs but on this occasion it mounted to the chest and then to the head and in short pervaded the w hole system in a most alarming manner however they brought her through it by and affectionate attention and we were married yesterday six weeks you have no idea what a monster i felt when i saw the whole family crying and fainting away in every direction mrs the personal history and experience couldn t see me before we left couldn t forgive me then for her of her child but she is a good creature and has done so since i had a delightful letter from her only this morning and in short my dear friend said i you feel as as you deserve to feel oh that s your partiality laughed but indeed i am in a most state i work hard and read law i get up at live every morning and don t mind it at all i hide the girls in the day time and make merry with them in the evening and i assure you i am quite sorry that they are going home on tuesday which is the day before the first day of term but here said breaking off in his confidence and speaking aloud are the girls mr miss miss miss margaret and they were a perfect nest of roses they looked so wholesome and fresh they were all pretty and miss was very handsome but there was a loving cheerful fireside quality in s bright looks which was better than that and which assured me that my friend had chosen well all sat round the fire while the sharp boy who i now divined had lost his breath in putting the papers out cleared them away again and produced the tea things after that he retired for the night shutting the outer door upon us with a bang mrs with perfect pleasure and composure beaming from her household eyes having made the tea then quietly made the toast as she sat
| 8 |
have arisen out of the fire in its association with my early little mr the doctor to whose good offices i was indebted in the very first chapter of this history sat reading a newspaper in the shadow of an opposite corner he was tolerably stricken in years by this time but being a mild meek calm little man had worn so easily that i thought he looked at that moment just as he might have looked when he sat in our parlor waiting for me to be born had left six or seven years ago and i had never seen him since he sat placidly the newspaper with his little head on one side and a glass of warm at his elbow he was so extremely in his manner that he seemed to to the very newspaper for taking the liberty of reading it i walked up to where he was sitting and said how do you do mr he was greatly fluttered by this unexpected address from a stranger and replied in his slow way i thank you sir you are very good thank you sir i hope you are well you don t remember me said i well sir returned mr smiling very meekly and shaking his head as he surveyed me i have a kind of an impression that something in your countenance is familiar to me sir but i couldn t lay my hand upon your name really and yet you knew it long before i knew it myself i returned did i indeed sir said mr is it possible that i had the honor sir of when yes said i dear me cried mr but no doubt you are a good deal changed since then sir probably said i well sir observed mr i hope you excuse me if i am compelled to ask the favor of your name on my telling him my name he was really moved he quite shook hands with me which was a violent proceeding for him his usual course being to slide a little fish an inch or two in advance of his hip and the greatest when anybody with it even now he put his hand in his coat pocket as soon as he could it and seemed relieved when he had got it safe back dear me sir said mr surveying me with his head on one side and it s mr is it well sir i think i should have known you if i had taken tlie liberty of looking more closely at you there s a strong resemblance between you and your poor father sir i never had the happiness of seeing my father i observed yery true sir said mr in a soothing tone and of david much to be it was on all accounts ave are not ignorant sir said mr slowly his little head again down in our part of the country of your fame there must be great excitement here sir said mr tapping himself on the forehead with his forefinger you must find it a trying occupation sir what is your part of the country now i asked myself near him i am established within a few miles of bury st sir said mrs coming into a little property in that neighbourhood under her father s will i bought a practice down there in which you will be glad to hear i am doing well my daughter is growing quite a tall now sir said mr giving his little head another little shake her mother let down two in her only last week such is time you see sir as the little man put his now empty glass to his lips when he made this reflection i proposed to him to have it and i would keep him company with another well sir he returned in his slow way it s more than i am accustomed to but i can t deny myself the pleasure of your conversation it seems but yesterday that i had the honor of attending you in the you came through them sir i acknowledged this compliment and ordered the which was soon produced quite an uncommon said mi stirring it but i can t resist so extraordinary an occasion y ou have no family su i shook my head i was aware that you sustained a sir some time ago said mr i heard it from your father in law s sister decided character there sir why said i decided enough where did you see her are you not aware sir returned mr with his smile that father in law is again a neighbour of mine no said i he is indeed sir said married a young lady of that part with a very good little property poor thing and this action of the brain now sir don t you find it fatigue you said mr looking at me like an admiring i that question and returned to the i was aware of his being married again do you attend the family i asked not regularly i have been called in he replied strong development of the organ of in mr and his sister sir i replied with such an expressive look that mr was by that and the together to give his head several short shakes and thoughtfully exclaim ah dear me we remember old times mr and the brother and sister are pursuing their old course are they said i well sir replied mr a medical man being so much in families ought to have neither eyes nor ears for anything but his pro the history and experience still i must say tliey are very severe sir both as to this life and the next the next will be regulated without much reference to them i dare say i returned what are they doing as to this mr shook his head stirred his and it she was a charming woman
| 8 |
sir he observed in a plaintive manner the present mrs a charming woman indeed sir said mr as amiable i am sure as it was possible to be mrs s opinion is that her spirit has been entirely broken since her marriage and that she is all but melancholy mad and the ladies observed mr are great sir i suppose she was to be subdued and broken to their detestable mould heaven help her said i and she has been well sir there were violent quarrels at first i assure you said mr but she is quite a shadow now would it be considered forward if i was to say to you sir in confidence that since the sister came to help the brother and sister between them have nearly reduced her to a state of i told him i could easily believe it i have no hesitation in saying said mr himself with another of between you and me sir that her mother died of it or that tyranny gloom and worry have made mrs nearly she was a lively young woman sir before marriage and their gloom and destroyed her they go about with her now more like her than her husband and sister in law that was s remark to me only last week and i assure you sir the ladies are great mrs herself is a great observer does he gloomily profess to be i am ashamed to use the word in such association religious still i inquired you anticipate sir said mr his eyelids getting quite red with the unwonted in which he was indulging one of mrs s most impressive remarks mrs he proceeded in the and manner quite me by pointing out that mr sets up an image of himself and calls it the divine nature you might have knocked me down on the flat of my back sir with the feather of a pen t assure you when mrs said so the ladies are great sir said i to his extreme delight i am very happy to receive such support in my opinion sir he rejoined it is not often that i venture to give a non medical opinion i assure you mr public addresses sometimes and it is said in short sir it is said by mrs that the darker tyrant he has lately been the more ferocious is his doctrine i mrs to be perfectly right said i mrs does go so far as to say pursued the of little men much encouraged that what such people their religion is a vent for their bad and and do you know i must say sir he continued mildly laying his head on one side that i find authority for mr and miss in the new testament of david i never found it either said i in the meantime sir said mr they are much disliked and as they are very free in everybody who them to we really have a good deal of going on in our neighbourhood however as mrs says sir they undergo a continual punishment for they are turned inward to feed upon their own hearts and their own hearts are very bad feeding now sir about that brain of yours if you ll excuse my returning to it don t you expose it to a good deal of excitement sir i found it not difficult in the excitement of mr s own brain under his of to divert his attention from this topic to his own affairs on which for the next half hour he was quite giving me to understand among other pieces of information that he was then at the gray s inn coffee house to lay his professional evidence before a commission of touching the state of mind of a patient who had become from excessive drinking and i assure you sir he said i am extremely nervous on such occasions i could not support being what is called sir it would quite me do you know it was some time before i recovered the conduct of that alarming on the night of your birth mr i told him that i was going down to my aunt the of that night early in the morning and that she was one of the most and excellent of women as he would know full well i he knew her better the mere notion of the possibility of his ever seeing her again appeared to him he replied with a small pale smile is she so indeed sir and almost immediately called for a candle and went to bed as if he were not quite safe anywhere else he did not actually under the but i should think his placid little pulse must have made two or three more beats in a minute than it had done since the great night of my aunt s disappointment when she struck at him with her bonnet thoroughly tired i went to bed too at midnight passed the next day on the coach burst safe and sound into my aunt s old parlor while she was at tea she wore spectacles now and was received by her and mr dick and dear old who acted as housekeeper with open arms and tears of joy my aunt was amused when we began to talk by my account of my meeting with mr and of his holding her in such dread remembrance and both she and had a great deal to say about my poor mother s second husband and that woman of a sister on whom i think no pain or penalty would have induced my aunt to bestow any christian or proper name or any other q a the personal history and experience my aunt and i when we were left alone talked far into the night how the never wrote home otherwise than cheerfully and how mr had actually divers small sums of money
| 8 |
first and afterwards mr had been wont to sit saw that it was a little parlor now and that there was no office otherwise the staid old house was as to its cleanliness and order still just as it had been when i first saw it i requested the new maid who admitted me to tell miss that a gentleman who waited on her from a friend abroad was there and i was shown up the grave old staircase of the steps i knew so well into the unchanged drawing room the books that and i had read together were on their shelves and the desk where i had labored at my lessons many a night stood yet at the same old corner of the table all the little changes that had crept in when the were there were changed everything was as it used to be in the happy time i stood in a window and looked across the ancient street at the opposite houses recalling how i had watched them on wet when i first came there and how i had used to about the people who appeared at any of the windows and had followed them with my eyes up and down stairs while women went along the pavement in and the dull rain fell in lines and poured out of the yonder and flowed into the road the feeling with which i used to watch the as they came into the town on those wet evenings at dusk and past with their bundles drooping over their shoulders at the ends of sticks came back to me as then with the smell of damp earth and wet leaves and and the sensation of the very airs that blew upon me in my own journey the opening of the little door in the wall made me start and turn her beautiful serene eyes met mine as she came towards me she stopped and laid her hand upon her bosom and i caught her in my arms my dear girl i have come too suddenly upon you no no i am so rejoiced to see you dear the happiness it is to me to see you once again i folded her to my heart and for a little while we were both silent presently we sat down side by side and her angel face was turned upon me with the welcome i had dreamed of waking and sleeping for whole years she was so true she was so beautiful she was so good i owed her so much gratitude she was so dear to me that i could find no utterance for what i felt i tried to bless her tried to thank her tried to tell her as i had often done in letters what an influence she had upon me but all my were in vain my love and joy were dumb with her own sweet tranquillity she my agitation led me back to the time of our parting spoke to me of whom she had visited in secret many times spoke to me tenderly of s grave with the instinct of her noble heart she touched the of my memory so softly and that not one within me i could listen to the sorrowful distant music and desire to shrink from nothing it awoke how could i when blended with it all was her dear self the better angel of my life of david and you i said by and by tell me of yourself you hardly ever told me of your own life in all this lapse of time what should i tell she answered with her radiant smile papa is well you see us here quiet in our own home our anxieties set at rest our home restored to us and knowing that dear trot wood you know all all said i she looked at me with some fluttering wonder in her face is there nothing else sister i said her color which had just now faded returned and faded again she smiled with a quiet sadness i thought and shook her head i had sought to lead her to what my aunt had hinted at for sharply painful to me as it must be to receive that confidence i was to my heart and do my duty to her i saw however that she was uneasy and i let it pass you have much to do dear r w r with my school said she looking up again in all her bright composure yes it is laborious is it not the labor is so pleasant she returned that it is scarcely grateful in me to call it by that name nothing good is difficult to you said i her color came and went once more and once more as she bent her i saw the same sad smile you will wait and see papa said cheerfully and pass the day with us perhaps you will sleep in own room we always call it yours i could not do that having promised to ride back to my aunt s at night but i would pass the day there joyfully i must be a prisoner for a little while said but here are the old books and the old music even the old flowers are here said i looking round or the old kinds i have found a pleasure returned smiling v you have been absent in keeping every thing as it used to be when we were we were very happy then i think heaven knows we were said i and every little thing that has reminded me of my brother said with her cordial eyes turned upon me has been a welcome companion even this showing me the basket trifle full of keys still hanging at her side seems to a kind of old tune she smiled again and went out at the door by which she had come it was
| 8 |
for me to guard this as with religious care it was all that i had left myself and it was a treasure if i once shook the foundations of the sacred confidence and usage in virtue of which it was given to me it was lost and could never be recovered i set this steadily before myself the better i loved her the more it me never to forget it i walked through the streets and once more seeing my old adversary the butcher now a with his staff hanging up in the shop went down to look at the place where i had fought him and there the personal history and experience on miss shepherd and the eldest miss and all the idle loves and and of that time nothing seemed to have survived that time but and she ever a star above me was brighter and higher when i returned mr had come home from a garden he had a couple of miles or so out of the town where he now employed himself almost every day i found him as my aunt had described him we sat down to dinner with some half dozen little girls and he seemed but the shadow of his handsome picture on the wall the tranquillity and peace belonging of old to that quiet ground in my memory pervaded it again when dinner was done mr taking no wine and i desiring none we went up stairs where and her little charges sang and played and worked after tea the children left us and we three sat together talking of the by gone days my part in them said mr shaking his white head has much matter for regret for deep regret and deep you well know but i would not it if it w ere in my power i could readily believe that looking at the face beside him i should with it he pursued such patience and devotion such fidelity such a child s love as i must not forget no even to forget myself i understand you sir i softly said i hold it i have always held it in veneration but no one knows not even you he returned how much she has done how much she has undergone how hard she has dear she had put her hand on his arm to stop him and was very very pale well well he said with a sigh as i then saw some trial she had borne or was yet to bear in with what my aunt had told me well i have never told you of her mother has any one never sir it s not much though it was much to er she married me in opposition to her father s wish and he her she prayed him to forgive her before my came into this world he was a very hard man and her mother had long been dead he her he broke her heart leaned upon his shoulder and stole her arm about his neck she had an aft and gentle heart he said and it was broken i knew its tender nature very well no one could if i did not she loved me dearly but was never happy she was always laboring in secret under this distress and being delicate and downcast at the time of his last for it was not the first by many away and died she left me two weeks old and the grey hair that you recollect me with when you first came he kissed on her cheek my love for my dear child was a love but my mind was all then i say no more of that i am not speaking of myself but of her mother and of her if i give you any clue to what i am or to what i have been you will it i know what of david is i need not say i have always read of her poor mother s story in her character and so i tell it you to night when we three are again together after such great changes i have told it all his bowed head and her angel face and filial duty derived a more pathetic meaning from it than they had had before if i had wanted anything by which to mark this night of our i should have found it in this rose up from her father s side before long and going softly to her piano played some of the old airs to which we had often listened in that place have you any intention of going away again asked me as i was standing by what does my sister say to that i hope not then i have no such intention i think you ought not trot wood since you ask me she said mildly your growing reputation and success your power of doing good and if could spare my brother with her eyes upon me perhaps the time could not what i am you have made me you should know best made you yes my dear girl i said bending over her i tried to tell you when we met to day something that has been in my thoughts since died you remember when you came down to me in our little room pointing upward oh she returned her eyes filled with tears so loving so confiding and so young can i ever forget as you were then my sister i have often thought since you have ever been to me ever pointing upward ever leading me to something better ever directing me to higher things she only shook her head through her tears i saw the same sad quiet smile and i am so grateful to you for it so bound to you that there is no name for the affection of my heart i want you to
| 8 |
know yet don t know how to tell you that all my life long i shall look up to you and be guided by you as i have been through the darkness that is past whatever whatever new ties you may form whatever changes may come between us i shall always look to you and love you as i do now and have always done you will always be my solace and resource as you have always been until i die my dearest sister i shall see you always before me pointing upward she put her hand in mine and told me she was proud of me and of what i said although i praised her very far beyond her worth then she went on softly playing but without removing her eyes from me do you know what i have heard to night said i strangely seems to be a part of the feeling with which i regarded you when i saw you first with which i sat beside you in my rough school days you knew i had no mother she replied with a smile and felt kindly towards me more than that i knew almost as if i had known this story the personal and that there was something gentle and softened surrounding you something that might have been sorrowful in some one else as i can now understand it was but was not so in you she softly played on looking at me still will you laugh at my such fancies no i or at my saying that i really believe i felt even then that you could be faithfully affectionate against all and never cease to be so until you ceased to live will you laugh at such a dream oh no oh no for an instant a shadow crossed her face but even in the start it gave me it was gone and she was playing on and looking at me v ith her own calm smile as i rode back in the lonely night the wind going by me like a restless memory i thought of this and feared she was not happy was not happy but thus far i had faithfully set the seal upon the past and thinking of her pointing upward thought of her as pointing to that sky above me where in the mystery to come i might yet love her with a love unknown on earth and her what the strife had been within me when i loved her here i am shown two for a time at all events until my book should be completed which would be the work of several mouths i took up my abode in my aunt s house at and there sitting in the window from which i had looked out at the moon upon the sea when that roof first gave me shelter i quietly pursued my task in of intention of referring to my own only when their course should incidentally connect itself with the progress of my story i do not enter on the aspirations the delights anxieties and triumphs of my art that i truly devoted myself to it with my strongest earnestness and bestowed upon it every energy of my soul i have said if the books i have written be of any worth they will supply the rest i shall otherwise have written to poor pose and the rest will be of interest to no one occasionally i went to london to lose myself in the swarm of life there or to consult with on some business point he had managed for me in my absence with the judgment and my worldly were as my began to bring upon me an enormous quantity of letters from people of whom i had no about r and extremely difficult to answer i agreed of david witli to have my name painted up on his door there the devoted on that beat delivered of letters for me and there at intervals i labored through them like a home secretary of state without the salary among this correspondence there dropped in every now and then an obliging proposal from one of the numerous always lurking about the to practise under cover of my name if i would take the necessary steps to make a of myself and pay me a on the profits but i declined these being already aware that there were plenty of such covert in existence and considering the quite bad enough without my doing anything to make it worse the girls had gone home when my name burst into bloom on s door and the sharp boy looked all day as if he had never heard of shut up in a back room glancing down from her work into a little strip of garden with a pump in it there i always found her the same bright often humming her when no strange foot was coming up the stall s and the sharp boy in his official closet melody i wondered at first why i so often found writing in a copy book and why she always shut it up when i appeared and hurried it into the table drawer but the secret soon came out one day who had just come home through the from court took a paper out of his desk and asked me what i thought of that handwriting oh tom cried who was warming his slippers before the fire my dear returned tom in a delighted state why not what do you say to that writing it s legal and formal said i i don t think i ever saw such a stiff hand not like a lady s hand is it said a lady s i repeated bricks and mortar are more like a s hand broke into a laugh and informed me that it was s waiting that had vowed and declared he would
| 8 |
need a clerk soon and she would be that clerk that she had acquired this hand from a pattern and that she could throw off i forget how many an hour was very much confused by my being told all this and said that when tom was made a judge he wouldn t be so ready to proclaim it which tom denied that he should always be equally proud of it under all circumstances what a thoroughly good and charming wife she is my dear said t when she had gone away laughing my dear returned she is without any exception the dearest girl the way she this place her domestic knowledge economy and order her cheerfulness indeed you have reason to commend her i returned you are a happy fellow i believe you make yourselves and each other two of the happiest people in the world i am sure we are two of the happiest people returned the history and experience i admit that at all events bless my soul when i see her up by candle light on these dark mornings herself in the day s arrangements going out to market the clerks come into the inn caring for no weather the most capital little dinners out of the materials making and keeping everything in its right place always so neat and ornamental herself sitting up at night with me if it s ever so late sweet tempered and encouraging always and all for me i positively sometimes can t believe it he was tender of the very slippers she had been as he put them on and stretched his feet upon the i positively sometimes can t believe it said then our pleasures dear me they are but they are quite wonderful when we are at home here of an evening and shut the outer door and draw those curtains which she made where could we be more snug when it s fine and we go out for a walk in the evening the streets abound in enjoyment for us we look into the glittering windows of the shops and i show which of the diamond eyed up on white satin rising grounds i would give her if i could afford it and shows me which of the gold watches that are and and engine turned and possessed of the escape movement and all sorts of things she would buy for me if she could afford it and we pick out the and forks fish butter knives and we should both prefer if we could both afford it and really we go away as if we had got them then when we stroll into the squares and great streets and see a house to let sometimes we look up at it and say how would that do if i was made a judge and we parcel it out such a room for us such rooms for the girls and so forth until we settle to our satisfaction that it would do or it wouldn t do as the case may be sometimes we go at half price to the pit of the theatre the very smell of which is cheap in my opinion at the money and there we thoroughly enjoy the play which believes every word of and so do i in walking home perhaps we buy a little bit of something at a cook s shop or a little at the s and bring it here and make a splendid supper about what we have seen now you know if i was lord we couldn t do this you would do something whatever you were my dear thought i that would be pleasant and amiable and by the way i said aloud i suppose you never draw an now really laughing and i can t wholly deny that i do my dear for being in one of the back rows of the king s bench the other day with a pen in my hand the fancy came into my head to try how i had preserved that accomplishment and i am afraid there s a skeleton in a wig on the ledge of the desk after we had both laughed heartily wound up by looking with a smile at the fire and saying in his way old i have a letter from that old here said i for i never was less disposed to forgive him the way he used to than when i saw so ready to forgive him himself from the exclaimed no among the persons who are attracted to me in my rising fame and of david fortune said i looking over my letters and who discover tliat they were always much attached to me is the self same he is not a now he is retired he is a magistrate thought might be surprised to hear it but he was not so at all how do you suppose he comes to be a magistrate said i oh dear me replied it would be very difficult to answer that question perhaps he for somebody or lent money to somebody or bought something of somebody or otherwise obliged somebody or for somebody who knew somebody who got the lieutenant of the county to him for the commission on the commission he is at any rate said i and he writes to me here that he will be glad to show me in operation the only true system of prison discipline the only way of making sincere and lasting and which you know is by solitary confinement what do you say to the system inquired looking grave no to my accepting the offer and your going with me i don t object said then i write to say so you remember to say nothing of our treatment this same turning his son out of doors i suppose and the life he used to
| 8 |
lead his wife and daughter perfectly said yet if you read his letter you find he is the tenderest of men to prisoners convicted of the whole of said i though i can t find that his tenderness extends to any other class of created beings shrugged his shoulders and was not at all surprised i had not expected him to be and was not surprised myself or my observation of similar practical would have been but scanty we arranged the time of our visit and i wrote accordingly to that evening on the appointed day i think it was the next day but no matter and i repaired to the prison where mi was powerful it w as an immense and solid building erected at a vast expense i could not help thinking as we approached the gate what an uproar would have been made in the country it any man had proposed to spend one half the money it had cost on the of an school for the young or a house of refuge for the deserving old in an office that might have been on the ground floor of the tower of it was so constructed we were presented to old who was one of a group composed of two or three of the sort of and some visitors they had brought he received me like a man who had formed my mind in years and had always loved me tenderly oa my introducing mr expressed in like manner but in an inferior degree that he had always been s guide philosopher and friend our venerable was a great deal older and not improved in appearance his face was as fiery as ever his eyes were as small and rather deeper set the scanty wet looking the personal history and experience grey hair by which i remembered him was almost gone and the thick veins in his bald head were none the more agreeable to look at after some conversation among these gentlemen from which i might have supposed that there was nothing in the world to be taken into account but the supreme comfort of prisoners at any expense and nothing on the wide earth to be done outside prison doors we began our inspection it being then just dinner time we went first into th great kitchen where every prisoner s dinner was in course of being set out separately to be handed to him in his cell with the regularity and precision of clock work i said aside to that i wondered whether it occurred to anybody that there was a striking contrast between these plentiful of choice quality and the dinners not to say of but of soldiers sailors the great bulk of the honest working community of whom not one man in five hundred ever dined half so well but i learned that the system required high living and in short to dispose of the system once for all i found that on that head and on all others the system put an end to all doubts and disposed of all nobody appeared to have the least idea that there was any other system but the system to be considered as we were going through some of the magnificent passages i inquired of mr and his friends what were supposed to be the main advantages of this all governing and universally over riding system i found them to be the perfect of prisoners so hat no one man in confinement there knew anything about another and the of prisoners to a wholesome state of mind leading to sincere and repentance now it struck me when we began to visit individuals in their and to the passages in which those were and to have the manner of the going to chapel and so forth explained to us that there was a strong probability of the prisoners knowing a good deal about each other and of their carrying on a pretty complete system of intercourse this at the time i write has been proved i believe to be the case but as it would have been flat against the system to have hinted such a doubt then i looked out for the as diligently as i could and here again i had great i found as a fashion in the form of the as i had left outside in the forms of the coats and in the windows of the shops i found a vast amount of profession varying very little in character varying very little which i thought exceedingly suspicious even in words i found a great many whole of inaccessible grapes but i found very few whom i would have trusted within reach of a bunch above all i found that the most men were the greatest objects of interest and that their conceit their vanity their want of excitement and their love of deception which many of them possessed to an almost incredible extent as their histories showed all prompted to these professions and were all gratified by them however i heard so repeatedly in the course of our to and fro of a certain number twenty seven who was the favorite and who really appeared to be a model prisoner that i resolved to my judgment i should see twenty seven twenty eight i understood was also of david a bright particular star but it was his misfortune to have his glory a little by the extraordinary lustre of twenty seven i heard so much of twenty seven of his pious to everybody around him and of the beautiful letters he constantly wrote to his mother whom he seemed to consider in a very bad way that i became quite impatient to see him i had to restrain my impatience for some time on account of twenty seven being reserved for a concluding effect but at last we came to the door of his cell and
| 8 |
mr looking through a little hole in it reported to us in a state of the greatest admiration that he was reading a hymn book there was such a rush of heads immediately to see number twenty seven reading his hymn book that the little hole was blocked up six or seven heads deep to remedy this inconvenience and give us an opportunity of conversing with twenty seven in all his purity mr directed the door of the cell to be unlocked and twenty seven to be invited out into the passage this was done and whom should and i then behold to our amazement in this converted number twenty seven but he knew us directly and said as he came out with the old how do you do mr how do you do mr this recognition caused a general admiration in the party i rather thought that ever one was struck by his not being proud and taking notice of us well twenty seven said mr mournfully admiring him how do you find yourself to i am very sir replied you are always so twenty seven said mr here another gentleman asked with extreme anxiety are you quite comfortable yes i thank you sir said looking in tliat direction far more comfortable here than ever i was outside i see my follies now sir that s what makes me comfortable several gentlemen were much affected and a third forcing himself to the front inquired with extreme feeling how do vou find the beef thank you sir replied glancing in the new direction of this voice it was yesterday than i could wish but i s my duty to bear i have committed follies gentlemen said looking round with a meek smile and i ought to bear the consequences without a murmur partly of gratification at twenty seven s celestial state of mind and partly of indignation against the who had given him any cause of complaint a note of which was immediately made by mr having subsided twenty seven stood in the midst of us as if he felt himself the principal object of merit in a highly museum that we the might have an excess of shining upon us all at once orders were given to let out twenty eight i had been so much astonished already that i only felt a kind of resigned wonder when ir walked forth reading a good book the personal history and experience twenty eight said a gentleman in spectacles who liad not yet spoken you complained last week my good fellow of the how has it been since i thank you sir said mr it has been better made if i might take the liberty of saying so sir i don t think the milk which is boiled with it is quite genuine but i am aware sir that there is great of milk in london and that the article in a pure state is difficult to be obtained it appeared to me that the gentleman in spectacles backed his twenty eight against mr s twenty seven for each of them took liis own man in hand what is your state of mind twenty eight said the in spectacles i thank you sir returned mr i see my now sir i am a good deal troubled when i think of the sins of my former companions sir but i trust they may find forgiveness you are quite happy yourself said the nodding encouragement i am much obliged to you sir returned mr perfectly so is there anything at all on your mind now said the if so mention it twenty eight sir said mr without looking up if my eyes have not deceived me there is a gentleman present who was acquainted with me in my former life it may be profitable to that gentleman to know sir that i attribute my past follies entirely to having lived a thoughtless life in the service of young men and to having allowed myself to be led by them into weaknesses which i had not the strength to resist i hope that gentleman will take warning sir and wiu not be offended at my freedom it is for his good i am conscious of my own past follies i hope he may repent of all the wickedness and sin to which he been a party i observed that several gentlemen were their eyes each with one hand as if they had just come into church this does you credit twenty eight returned the i should have expected it of you is there anything else sir returned mr slightly lifting up his eyebrows but not his eyes there was a young woman who fell into courses that i endeavoured to save sir but could not rescue i beg that gentleman if he has it in his power to inform that young woman from me that i forgive her her bad conduct towards myself and that i her to repentance if he will be so good i have no doubt twenty eight returned the that the gentleman you refer to feels very strongly as we au must what you have so properly said we will not detain you i thank you sir said mr gentlemen i wish you a good day and hoping you and your families will also see your wickedness and with this number twenty eight retired after a glance between him and as if they were not altogether unknown to each other through of david some medium of communication and a murmur went round the group as his door shut upon bim that he was a most respectable man and a beautiful case now twenty seven said mr entering on a clear stage with his man is there anything that any one can do for you if so mention it i would ask sir returned with a jerk of his head for leave to write again
| 8 |
place tliat they knew its market value at least as well as we did in the immediate service it would do them when they were in a word that it was a rotten hollow painfully suggestive piece of business altogether we left them to their system and themselves and went home perhaps it s a good thing said i to have an ridden hard for it s the sooner ridden to death i hope so replied a light shines on my way the year came round to christmas time and i had been at home above two months i had seen frequently however loud the general voice might be in giving me encouragement and however fervent the emotions and to which it roused me i heard her word of praise as i heard nothing else at least once a week and sometimes oftener i rode over there and passed the evening i usually rode back at night for the old unhappy sense was always hovering about me now most sorrowfully i left her and i was glad to be u and out rather than wandering over the past in weary or miserable dreams i wore away the longest part of many wild sad nights in those rides as i went the thoughts that had occupied me in my long absence or if i were to say rather that i listened to the echoes of those thoughts i should better express the truth they spoke to me from afar off i had put them at a distance and accepted my inevitable place when i read to what i wrote when i saw her listening face moved her to smiles or tears and heard her cordial voice so earnest on the shadowy events of that imaginative world in which i lived i thought what a fate mine might have been but only thought so as i had thought after i was married to what i could have wished my wife to be my duty to who loved me with a love which if i i wronged most and poorly and could never restore my assurance that i who had worked out my own destiny and won what i had set my heart on had no right to murmur and must bear what i felt and what i had learned but i loved her and now it even became some consolation to me vaguely to conceive a distant day when i might it when all this should be over when i could say so it was when i came home and now i am old and i never have loved since she did not once show me any change in herself what she always had been to me she still was wholly between my aunt and me there had been something in this since the night of my return which i cannot call a restraint or an of the subject so much as an implied understanding that we thought of it r r the personal history and experience together but did not shape our thoughts into words when according to our old custom we sat before the fire at night we often fell into this train as naturally and as to each other as if we had said so but we preserved an unbroken silence i believed that she had read or partly read my thoughts that night and that she fully comprehended why i gave mine no more distinct expression this christmas time being come and having no new confidence in me a doubt that had several times arisen in my mind whether she could have that perception of the true state of my breast which restrained her with the apprehension of giving me pain began to me heavily if that were so my sacrifice was nothing my obligation to her and every poor action i had shrunk from i was doing i resolved to set this right beyond all doubt if such a barrier were between us to break it down at once with a determined hand it was what lasting reason have i to remember it a cold harsh winter day there had been snow some hours before and it lay not deep but hard frozen on the ground out at sea beyond my window the wind blew from the north i had been thinking of it sweeping over those mountain of snow in then inaccessible to any human foot and had been which was the those solitary regions or a deserted ocean to day trot said my aunt putting her head in at the door yes said i i am going over to it s a good day for a ride i hope your horse may think so too said my aunt but at present he is holding down his head and his ears standing before the door there as if he thought his stable my aunt i may observe allowed my horse on the forbidden ground but had not at all toward the he will be fresh enough presently said i the ride will do his master good at all events observed my aunt glancing at the papers on my table ah child you pass a good many hours here i never thought when i used to read books what work it was to write them it s work enough to read them sometimes i returned as to the writing it has its own charms aunt ah i see said my aunt ambition love of approbation sympathy and much more i suppose well go along with you do you know anything more said i standing before her she had patted me on the shoulder and sat down in my chair of that attachment of she looked up in my face a little while before i think i do trot are you confirmed in your impression i inquired i think i am trot she looked so at me with
| 8 |
counsel they have come to me if i have sometimes been unhappy the feeling has passed away if i have ever had a burden on my heart it has been lightened for me if i have any secret it is no new one and is not what you suppose i cannot reveal it or divide it it has long been mine and must remain mine stay a moment she was going away but i detained her i clasped my arm about her waist in the course of years it is not a new one new thoughts and hopes were whirling through my mind and all the colors of my life were changing dearest whom i so respect and honor whom i so love when i came here to day i thought that nothing could have this confession from me i thought i could have kept it in my bosom all our lives till we were old but if i have indeed any new born hope that i may ever you something more than sister widely different from sister or david her tears fell fast but they were not like those she had lately shed and i saw my hope in them ever my guide and best support if you had been more of yourself and less of me when we grew up here together i think my heedless fancy never would have wandered from you but you were so much better than i so necessary to me in every boyish hope and disappointment that to have you to confide in and rely upon in everything became a second nature for the time the first and greater one of loving you as i do still weeping but not sadly joyfully and clasped in my arms as she had never been as i had thought she never was to be when i loved fondly as you know yes she cried earnestly i am glad to know it when i loved her even then my love would have been without your sympathy i had it and it was and when i lost her what should i have been without you still closer in my arms nearer to my heart her trembling hand upon my shoulder her sweet eyes shining through her tears on mine i went away dear loving you i stayed away loving you i returned home loving you and now i tried to tell her of the struggle i had had and the conclusion i had come to i tried to lay my mind before her truly and entirely i tried to show her how i had hoped i had come into the better knowledge of myself and of her how i had resigned myself to what that better knowledge brought and how i had come there even that day in my fidelity to this if she did so love me i said that she could take me for her husband she could do so on no deserving of mine except upon the truth of my love for her and the trouble in which it had to be what it was and hence it was that i revealed it and o even out of thy true eyes in that same time the spirit of my child wife looked upon me saying it was well and winning me through thee to tenderest recollections of the blossom that had withered in its bloom i am so ray t is so but there is one thing i must say dearest what she laid her gentle hands upon my shoulders and looked calmly in my face do you know yet what it is i am afraid to on what it is tell me my dear i have loved you all my life we were happy we were happy our tears were not for the trials so much the greater through which we had come to be thus but for the rapture of being thus never to be divided more we walked that winter evening in the fields together and the blessed calm within us seemed to be by the frosty air tlie early stars began to shine while we were lingering on and looking up to them we thanked our god for having guided us to this tranquillity we stood together in the same old fashioned window at night when the personal history and experience the was shining with her quiet eyes raised up to it i following her glance long miles of road then opened out before my mind and toiling on i saw a ragged way worn bo forsaken and neglected who should come to call even the heart now beating against mine his own it was nearly dinner time next day when we appeared before my aunt she was up in my study said which it was her pride to keep in readiness and order for me we found her in her spectacles sitting by the fire goodness me said my aunt peering through the dusk who s this you re bringing home said i as we had arranged to say nothing at first my aunt was not a little she darted a hopeful glance at me when i said but seeing that i looked as usual she took off her spectacles in despair and rubbed her nose with them she greeted heartily nevertheless and we were soon in the lighted parlor down stairs at dinner my aunt put on her spectacles twice or thrice to take another look at me but as often took them off again disappointed and rubbed her nose with them much to the discomfiture of mr dick who knew this to be a bad symptom by the by aunt said i after dinner i have been speaking to about what you told me then trot said my aunt turning scarlet you did wrong and broke your promise you are not angry aunt i trust i am sure you
| 8 |
won t be when you learn that is not unhappy in any attachment stuff and nonsense said my aunt as my aunt appeared to be annoyed i thought the best way was to cut her annoyance short i took in my arm to the back of her chair and we both leaned over her my aunt with one clap of her hands and one look through her spectacles immediately went into for the first and only time in all my knowledge of her the called up the moment my aunt was restored she flew at and calling her a silly old creature her with all her might after that she mr dick who was highly honored but a good deal surprised and after that told them why then we were all happy together i could not discover whether my aunt in her last short conversation with had fallen on a pious fraud or had really mistaken the state of my mind it was quite enough she said that she had told me was going to be married and that i now knew better than any one how true it was we were married within a fortnight and and doctor and mrs strong were the only guests at our quiet wedding we left them full of joy and drove away together clasped in my embrace i held the source of every worthy i had ever had the centre of myself the circle of my life my own my wife my love of whom was founded on a rock of david dearest husband said ap now that i may call you by that name i have one thing more to tell you let me hear it love it grows out of the night when died she sent you for me she did she told me that she left me something can you think what it was i believed i could i drew the wife who had so long loved me closer to my side she told me that she made a last request to me and left me a last charge and it was that only i would occupy this vacant place and laid her head upon my breast and wept and i wept with her though we were so happy a what i have to record is nearly finished but there is yet an incident conspicuous in my memory on which it often rests with delight and without which one thi in the web i have spun would have a end i had advanced in fame and fortune my domestic joy was perfect i had been married ten happy years and i were sitting by the fire in our house in london one night in spring and three of our children were playing in the room when i was told that a stranger to see me he had been asked if he came on business and had answered he had come for the pleasure of seeing me and had come a long way he was an old man my servant said and looked like a farmer as this sounded mysterious to the children and moreover was like the beginning of a favorite story used to tell them to the arrival of a wicked old fairy in a cloak who hated every body it produced some commotion one of our boys laid his head in his mother s lap to be out of harm s way and little our eldest child left her doll in a chair to represent her and thrust out her little heap of golden curls from between the window curtains to see what happened next let him come in here said i there soon appeared pausing in the dark doorway as he entered a hale grey haired old man little attracted by his looks had run to bring him in and i had not yet clearly seen his face when my wife starting up cried out to me in a pleased and agitated voice that it was mr the personal history and experience it was mr an old man now but in a ruddy hearty strong old age when our first emotion was over and lie sat before the fire with the children on his knees and the blaze shining on his face he looked to me as vigorous and robust withal as handsome an old man as ever i had seen r said he and the old name in the old tone fell so naturally on my ear r tis a joyful hour as i see you once more long with your own wife a joyful hour indeed old friend cried i and these pretty ones said to look at these flowers why r you was but the of the of these when i first see you when em ly warn t no bigger and our poor lad were but a lad time has changed me more than it has changed you since then said i but let these dear go to bed and as no house in england but this must hold you tell me where to send for your luggage is the old black bag among it that went so far i wonder and then over a glass of we will have the tidings of ten years are you alone asked yes ma am he said kissing her hand quite alone we sat him between us not knowing how to give him welcome enough and as i began to listen to his old familiar voice i could have fancied he was still pursuing his long journey in search of his darling niece it s a of water said mr fur to come across and on y stay a matter of weeks but water specially when tis salt comes to me and friends is dear and i am which is verse said mr surprised to find it out though i hadn t such intentions are you going back those many thousand miles so
| 8 |
became and the more he rubbed his legs and what did mrs say i asked when i was grave enough if you ll believe me returned mr stead of saying thank you i m much to you i ain t a going fur to change my condition at my time of life up d with a bucket as was standing by and laid it over that ship s cook s head till he sung out for help and i went in and of him mr burst into a great roar of laughter and and i both kept him company but i must say this for the good he resumed wiping his face when we were quite exhausted she has been all she said she d be to us and more she s the the the woman r as ever d the breath of life i have never know d her to be lone and for a single minute not even when the colony was all afore us and we was new to it and thinking of the old un is a thing she never done i do assure you since she left england now last not least mr said i he has paid off every obligation he incurred here even to s bill you remember my dear and therefore we may take it for g that he is doing well but what is the latest news of him mr with a smile put his hand in his breast pocket and produced a flat folded paper parcel from which he took out with much care a little odd looking newspaper you are to r said he as we have mi the bush now being so well to do and have gone right away round to port s what we call a town mr was in the bush near you said i bless you yes said mr and turned to with a will i never wish to meet a better gen for turning to with a will i ve seen that bald head of his a in the sun r of david till i a most it would have melted away and now he s a magistrate a magistrate eh said i mr pointed to a certain paragraph in the newspaper where i read aloud as follows from the port times the public dinner to our fellow and port district magistrate came off yesterday in the large room of the hotel which was crowded to it is estimated that not fewer than forty seven persons must have been with dinner at one time exclusive of the company in the passage and on the stairs the beauty fashion and of port to do honor to one so esteemed so highly and so widely popular doctor of house grammar school port presided and on his right sat the distinguished guest after the removal of the cloth and the singing of non beautifully executed and in which we were at no loss to distinguish the bell like notes of that gifted amateur junior the usual loyal and patriotic were given and received doctor in a speech with feeling then proposed our distinguished the ornament of our town may he never leave us but to better himself and may his success among us be such as to render his himself impossible the cheering with which the toast was received description again and again it rose and fell like the waves of ocean at length all was hushed and presented himself to return thanks far be it from us in the present comparatively imperfect state of the resources of our establishment to endeavour to follow distinguished through the periods of his polished and highly address suffice it to observe that it was a of eloquence and that those passages in which he more particularly traced his own successful career to its source and warned the younger portion of his from the of ever pecuniary which they were unable to brought a tear into the eye present the remaining were doctor mrs who gracefully bowed her from the side door where a of beauty was elevated on chairs at once to witness and adorn the gratifying scene mrs late miss mrs junior who the assembly by remarking that he found himself unable to return thanks in a speech but would do so with their permission in a song mrs s family it is needless to remark in the mother country c c c at the conclusion of the proceedings the tables were cleared as if by for dancing among the of who themselves until gave warning for departure junior and the lovely and accomplished miss fourth daughter of doctor were particularly remarkable i was looking back to the name of doctor pleased to have g the personal history and experience discovered in these happier circumstances mr formerly poor pinched to my magistrate when mr pointing to another part of the paper my eyes rested on my own name and i read thus to david the eminent author my dear sir years have elapsed since i had an opportunity of the now familiar to the of a considerable portion of the world but my dear sir though by the force of circumstances over which i have had no from the personal society of the friend and companion of my youth i have not been of his soaring flight nor have i been though seas between us ha roared burns from in the intellectual he has spread before us i cannot therefore allow of the departure from this place of an individual whom we respect and esteem without my dear sir taking this public opportunity of thanking you on my own behalf and i may undertake to add on that of the whole of the inhabitants of port for the gratification of which you are the agent go on my dear you are not unknown here you are not though remote we are neither melancholy nor i may
| 8 |
add slow go on my dear sir in your eagle course the inhabitants of port may at least to watch it with delight with entertainment with instruction among the eyes elevated towards you from this portion of the globe will ever be found while it has light and life the eye to magistrate i found on glancing at the remaining contents of the newspaper that mr was a and esteemed correspondent of that journal there was another letter from him in the same paper touching a bridge there was an advertisement of a collection of similar letters by him to be shortly in a neat volume with considerable additions and unless i am very much mistaken the leading article was his also we talked much of mr on many other evenings while mr remained with us he lived with us during the whole term of his stay which i think was something less than a month and his sister and my aunt came to london to see him and i parted from him when he sailed and we shall never part from him more on earth of david bat before lie left he went with me to to see a little i had put up in the churchyard to the memory of ham while i was the plain inscription for him at his request i saw him stoop and gather a of grass from the grave and a little earth for em ly he said as he put it in his breast i promised r chapter a last and now my written story ends i look back once more for the last time before i close these leaves i see myself with at my side along the road of hfe i see our children and friends around us and i hear the roar of many voices not to me as i travel on what faces are the most distinct to me in the fleeting crowd lo these all turning to me as i ask my thoughts the question here is my aunt in stronger spectacles an old woman of years and more but upright yet and a steady of six miles at a stretch in winter weather always with her here comes my good old nurse likewise in spectacles accustomed to do at night very close to the lamp but never sitting down to it without a bit of wax candle a yard measure in a little house and a work box with a picture of st paul s upon the lid the cheeks and arms of so hard and red in my childish days when i wondered why the birds didn t her in preference to apples are now and her eyes that used to their whole neighbourhood in her face are fainter though they glitter still but her rough forefinger which i once associated with a pocket is just the same and when i see my least child catching at it as it from my aunt to her i think of our little parlor at home when i could scarcely walk my aunt s old disappointment is set right now she is to a real living and the next in order says she spoils her there is something in s pocket it is nothing smaller than the book which is in rather a condition by this time with divers of the leaves torn and across but which to the children as a precious i find it very curious to see my own infant face looking up at me from the stories and to be reminded by it of my old acquaintance of among my boys this summer time i see an old man making giant and gazing at them in the air with a delight for which there are no words he me and whispers with many the personal history and experience and you will be glad to that i shall finish the memorial when i have nothing else to do and that your aunt s the most extraordinary woman in the world sir who is this bent lady supporting herself by a stick and showing me a countenance in which there are some traces of old pride and beauty feebly with a wandering of the mind she is in a garden and near her stands a sharp dark withered woman with a white on her lip let me hear what they say i have forgotten this gentleman s name over her and calls to her mr i am glad to see you sir i am sorry to observe you are in mourning i hope time will be good to you her impatient attendant her tells her i am not in mourning bids her look again tries to rouse her you have seen my son sir says the elder lad are you reconciled looking at me she puts her hand to her forehead and suddenly she cries in a terrible voice come to me he is dead kneeling at her feet by turns caresses her and quarrels with her now fiercely telling her i loved him better than you ever did now soothing her to sleep on her breast like a sick child thus i leave them thus i always find them thus they wear their time away from year to year what ship comes sailing home from india and what english lady is this married to a growling old scotch with great of ears can this be mills indeed it is mills and fine with a black man to carry cards and letters to her on a golden and a copper colored woman in linen with a bright handkerchief round her head to serve her in her dressing room but keeps no in these days never sings affection s quarrels with the old scotch who is a sort of yellow bear with a hide is in money to the throat and talks and thinks of nothing else i liked her better
| 8 |
list of plates our at church i am received by mr the friendly waiter and i my musical breakfast and mr changes at home mrs casts a da ip on our departure my magnificent order at the public house i make myself known to my aunt the momentous interview i return to the doctor s after the part somebody turns up my first fall in life we arrive unexpectedly at mr s fireside i make the acquaintance of miss in hovering near us at the dinner party i fall into we are disturbed in our xiv list op plates i find mr going out with the tide mr and mrs my aunt me mr and his partner wait upon my aunt mr some remarks makes a figure in parliament and i report the wanderer and i in conference with the i am married our housekeeping mr dick my aunt s the river mr s dream comes true restoration of mutual confidence between mr and mrs my child wife s old companion i am the bearer of evil tidings the i am shown two interesting a stranger calls to see me page line from bottom of page for bo read from bottom of page make the same from bottom of page make the same from top of page make the same twenty lines in advance make the same line from bottom of page c nor read personal history and experience david the chapter i i am born whether i shall turn out to be the hero of my own life or whether that station will be held by anybody else these pages must show to begin my life with the beginning of my life i record that i was born as i have been informed and believe on a at twelve o clock at night it was remarked that the clock began to strike and i began to cry simultaneously in consideration of the day and hour of my birth it was declared by the nurse and by some sage women in the neighbourhood who had taken a lively interest in me several months before there was any possibility of our becoming personally acquainted first that i was destined to be unlucky in life and secondly that i was privileged to see ghosts and spirits both these gifts inevitably as they believed to all unlucky of either born towards the small hours on a night i need say nothing here on the first head because nothing can show better than my history whether that was or by the result on the second branch of the question i will only remark that unless i ran through that part of my inheritance while i was still a baby i have not come into it yet but i not at all complain of having been kept out of this property and if anybody else should be in the present enjoyment of it he is heartily welcome to keep it i was born with a which was advertised for sale in the newspapers at the low price of fifteen guineas whether sea going people were short of money about that time or were short of faith and preferred cork i don t know all i know is that there was but one solitary bidding and that was from an attorney connected with the business who offered two pounds in cash and the balance in b the personal and experience but declined to be from drowning on any higher bargain consequently the advertisement was withdrawn at a dead loss for as to my poor dear mother s own was in the market then and ten years afterwards the was put up in a down in our part of the country to fifty members at half a crown a head the to spend five shillings i was present myself and i remember to have felt quite uncomfortable and confused at a part of myself being disposed of in that way the was won i recollect by an old lady with a hand basket who very reluctantly produced from it the five shillings all in and short as it took an immense time and a great waste of to endeavour without any effect to prove to her it is a fact which will be long remembered as remarkable down there that she was never drowned but died triumphantly in bed at ninety two i have understood that it was to the last her boast that she never had been on the water in her life except upon a bridge and that over her tea to w hich she was extremely partial she to the last expressed her indignation at the of and others who had the presumption to go about the world it was in vain to represent to her that some tea perhaps included resulted from this objectionable practice she always returned with greater emphasis and with an instinctive knowledge of the strength of her objection let us have no not to myself at present i will go back to my birth i was bom at in or thereby as they say in scotland i was a child my father s eyes had closed upon the light of this world six months when mine opened on it there is something strange to me even now in the reflection that he never saw me and something stranger yet in the shadowy remembrance that i have of my first childish associations with his white grave stone in the churchyard and of the compassion i used to feel for it lying out alone there in the dark night when our little parlor was warm and bright with fire and candle and the doors of house were almost cruelly it seemed to me sometimes bolted and locked against it an aunt of my father s and consequently a great aunt of mine of whom i shall have more to relate by and by
| 8 |
was the principal of our family miss or miss as my poor mother always called her when she sufficiently overcame her dread of this formidable personage to mention her at all which was seldom had been married to a husband younger than herself who was very handsome except in the sense of the homely handsome is that handsome does for he was strongly suspected of having beaten miss and even of having once on a disputed question of supplies made some hasty but determined arrangements to throw her out of a two pair of stairs window these evidences of an of temper induced miss to pay him off and effect a separation by mutual consent he went to india with his capital and there according to a wild legend in our family he was once seen riding on an elephant in company with a but i think it must have been a or a any how from india of david b tidings of his death reached home within ten years how they affected my aunt nobody knew for immediately upon the separation she took her maiden name again bought a cottage in a hamlet on the sea coast a long way off established herself there as a single woman with one servant and was understood to live secluded ever afterwards in an my father had once been a favorite of hers i believe but she was by his marriage on the ground that my mother was a wax doll she had never seen my mother but she knew her to be not yet twenty my father and miss never met again he was double my mother s age when he married and of but a delicate constitution he died a year afterwards and as i have said six months before i came into the world this was the state of matters on the afternoon of what j may be excused for calling that and important friday i can make no claim therefore to have known at that time how matters stood or to have any remembrance founded on the evidence of my own senses of what follows my mother was sitting by the fire but poorly in health and very low in spirits looking at it through her tears and heavily about herself and the little stranger who was already welcomed by some of prophetic pins in a drawer up stairs to a world not at all excited on the subject of his arrival my mother i say was sitting by the fire that bright windy march afternoon very timid and sad and very doubtful of ever coming alive out of the trial that was before her when lifting her eyes as she dried them to the window opposite she saw a strange lady coming up the garden my mother had a sure at the second glance that it was miss the setting sun was glowing on the strange lady over the garden fence and she came walking up to the door with a fell of figure and composure of countenance that could have belonged to nobody else when she reached the house she gave another proof of her identity my father had often hinted that she seldom conducted herself like any ordinary christian and now instead of ringing the bell she came and looked in at that identical window pressing the end of her nose against the glass to that extent that my poor dear mother used to say it became perfectly flat and white in a moment she gave my mother such a turn that i have always been convinced i am indebted to miss for having been born on a friday my mother had left her chair in her agitation and gone behind it in the corner miss looking round the room slowly and began on the other side and carried her eyes on uke a s head in a dutch clock until they reached my mother then she made a frown and a gesture to my mother like one who was accustomed to be obeyed to come and open the door my mother w ent mrs david i think said miss the emphasis referring perhaps to my mother s mourning weeds and her condition yes said my mother faintly the personal history and miss said the visitor you have heard of hot i dare say my mother answered she had had that pleasure and she had a disagreeable consciousness of not appearing to imply that it had been an overpowering pleasure now you see her said miss my mother bent her head and begged lier to walk in they w ent into the parlor my mother had come from the fire in the room on the other side of the passage not being lighted not been lighted indeed since my father s funeral and when they were both seated and miss said nothing my mother after vainly trying to restrain herself began to cry oh tut tut tut said miss in a don t do that come come my mother couldn t help it notwithstanding so she cried until she had had her cry out take off your cap child said miss and let me see you my mother was too much afraid of her to refuse compliance with this odd request if she had any disposition to do so therefore she did as she was told and did it with such nervous hands that her hair which was luxuriant and beautiful fell all about her face why bless my heart exclaimed miss you are a baby my mother was no doubt unusually youthful in appearance even for her years she hung her head as if it were her fault poor thing and said sobbing that indeed she was afraid she was but a childish widow and would be but a childish mother if she lived in a short pause which ensued she had a fancy that she felt miss touch her hair
| 8 |
don t cry said miss you were not equally matched child if any two people can be equally matched and so i asked the question you were an orphan weren t you yes and a i was nursery in a family where mr came to visit mr was very kind to me and took a great deal of notice of me and paid me a good deal of attention and at last proposed to me and i accepted him and so we were married said my mother simply ha poor baby mused miss with her frown bent upon the fire do you know anything i beg your pardon ma am my mother about keeping house for instance said miss not much i fear returned my mother not so much as i could wish but mr was teaching me much lie knew about it himself said miss in a and i hope i should have improved being very anxious to learn and he very patient to teach if the great misfortune of his death my mother broke down again here and could get no farther of david well well said miss i kept my housekeeping book regularly and balanced it with mr every night cried my mother in another burst of distress and breaking down again well well said miss don t cry any and i am sure we never had a word of difference respecting it except when mr objected to my and being too much like each other or to my putting curly tails to my and resumed my mother in another burst and breaking down again you ll make yourself ill said miss and you know that wiu not be good either for you or for my god daughter come i you mustn t do it this argument had some share in my mother though her increasing perhaps had a larger one there was an interval of silence only broken by miss s occasionally ha as she sat with her feet upon the david had bought an for himself with his money i know said she by and by what did he do for you mr said my mother answering with some difficulty was so considerate and good as to secure the of a part of it to me how much asked miss a hundred and five pounds a year said my mother he might have done worse said my aunt the word was appropriate to the moment my mother was so much worse that coming in with the and candles and seeing at a glance how ill she was as miss might have done sooner if there had been light enough conveyed her up stairs to her own room with all speed and immediately ham her nephew who had been for some days past in the house unknown to my mother as a special messenger in case of emergency to fetch the nurse and doctor those allied powers were considerably astonished when they arrived within a few minutes of each other to find an unknown lady of appearance sitting before the fire with her bonnet tied over her left arm stopping her ears with cotton knowing nothing about her and my mother saying nothing about her she was quite a mystery in the parlor and the fact of her having a magazine of cotton in her pocket and sticking the article in her ears in that way did not from the solemnity of her presence the doctor having been up stairs and come down again and having satisfied himself i suppose that there was a probability of this unknown lady and himself having to sit there face to face for some hours laid himself out to be polite and social he was the of his sex the of little men he in and out of a room to take up the less space he v as softly as the ghost in hamlet and more slowly he carried his head on one side partly in modest of himself partly in modest of everybody else it is nothing to say that he hadn t a word to throw at a dog he couldn t have the personal history and experience thrown a word at a mad dog he might ha e offered him one gently or half a one or a fragment of one for he spoke as slowly as he walked but he wouldn t have been rude to him and he couldn t have been quick with him for any earthly consideration mr looking mildly at my aunt with his head on one side and making her a little bow said in allusion to the cotton as he softly touched his left ear some local irritation ma am what replied my aunt pulling the cotton out of one ear like a cork mr was so alarmed by her as he told my mother afterwards that it was a mercy he didn t lose his presence of mind but he repeated sweetly some local irritation ma am nonsense replied my aunt and herself again at one blow mr could do nothing after this but sit and look at her feebly as she sat and looked at the fire until he was called up stairs again after some quarter of an hour s absence he returned well said my aunt taking the cotton out of the ear nearest to him well ma am returned mi we are we are slowly ma am ba a ah said my aunt with a perfect shake on the contemptuous and herself as before really as mr told my mother he was almost shocked speaking in a professional point of view alone he was almost shocked but he sat and looked at her notwithstanding for nearly two hours as she sat looking at the fire until he was again called out after another absence he again ned well
| 8 |
it should appear from anything i may set down in this narrative that i was a child of close observation or that as a man i have a strong memory of my childhood i undoubtedly lay claim to both of these characteristics looking back as i was saying into the blank of my infancy the first objects i can remember as standing out by themselves from a confusion of things are my mother and what else do i remember let me see there comes out of the cloud our house not new to me but quite familiar in its earliest remembrance on the floor is s kitchen opening into a back yard with a pigeon house on a pole in the centre without any in it a great dog in a comer without any dog and a quantity of fowls that look terribly tall to me walking about in a menacing and ferocious manner there is one cock who gets upon a post to crow and seems to take particular notice of me as i look at him through the kitchen window who makes me shiver he is so fierce of the outside the side gate who come after me with their long necks stretched out when i go that way i dream at night as a man by wild beasts might dream of lions of david here is a long passage what an enormous perspective i make of it leading from s kitchen to the front door a dark store room opens out of it and that is a place to be run past at night for i don t know what may be among those and and old tea w hen there is nobody in there with a dimly burning light letting a air come out at the door in which there is the smell of soap candles and coffee all at one then there are the two the parlor in which we sit of an evening my mother and i and for is quite our companion when her work is done and we are alone and the best parlor where we sit on a sunday but not so comfortably there is something of a air about that room to me for has told me i don t know when but apparently ages go about my father s funeral and the company having their black put on one sunday night my mother reads to and me in there how was raised up from the dead and i am so frightened that they are afterwards obliged to take me out of bed and me the quiet churchyard out of the bedroom window with the dead au lying in their graves at rest below the solemn moon there is nothing half so green that i know anywhere as the grass of that churchyard nothing half so shady as its trees nothing half so quiet as its the sheep are feeding there when i kneel up early in the morning in my little bed in a closet within my mother s room to look out at it and i see the red light shining on the sun dial and think within myself is the sun dial glad i wonder that it can tell the time again here is our in the church what a high backed with a window near it out of which our house can be seen and is seen many times during the morning s service by who to make herself as sure as she can that it s not being robbed or is not in flames but though s eye she is much offended if mine does and to me as i stand upon the seat that i am to look at the clergyman but i can t always look at him i know him without that white thing on and i am afraid of his wondering why i stare so and perhaps stopping the service to and what am i to do it s a dreadful thing to but i must do something i look at my mother but site not to see me i look at a boy in the aisle and he makes faces at me i look at the sunlight coming in at the open door through the porch and there i see a stray sheep i don t mean a sinner but mutton half making up his mind to come into the church i feel that if i looked at him any longer i might be tempted to say something out loud and what would become of me then i look up at the on the wall and try to think of mr late of this parish and what the feelings of mrs must have been when affliction sore long time mr bore and were in vain i wonder whether they called in mr and he was in vain and if so how he likes to be reminded of it once a week i look from mr in his sunday to the pulpit and think what a good place it would be to play in and what a castle it would make with another boy coming up the stall s to attack it and the history and experience having the velvet cushion with the thrown down on his head in time my eyes gradually shut up and from seeming to hear the clergyman singing a drowsy song in the heat i hear nothing until i fall off the seat with a crash and am taken out more dead than alive by and now i see the outside of our house with the standing open to let in the sweet smelling air and the ragged old nests still dangling in the elm trees at the bottom of the front garden now i am in the garden at the back beyond the yard where the empty pigeon house and dog are a
| 8 |
very preserve of as i remember it with a high fence and a gate and where the fruit clusters on the trees and richer than fruit has ever been since in any other garden and where my mother some in a basket while i stand by and trying to look unmoved a great wind rises and the summer is gone in a moment we are playing in the winter twilight dancing about the parlor when my mother is out of breath and rests herself in an elbow chair i watch her winding her bright curls round her fingers and her waist and nobody knows better than i do that she likes to look so well and is proud of being so pretty that is among my very earliest impressions that and a sense that we were both a little afraid of and submitted ourselves in most things to her direction were among the first opinions if they may be so called that i ever derived from what i saw and i were sitting one night by the parlor fire alone i had been reading to about i must have read very or the poor soul must have been deeply interested for i remember she had a cloudy impression after i had done that they were a sort of vegetable i was tired of reading and dead sleepy but having leave as a high treat to sit up until my mother came home from spending the evening at a neighbour s i would rather have died upon my post of course than have gone to bed i had reached that stage of when seemed to swell and grow immensely large i propped my eyelids open with my two and looked at her as she sat at work at the little bit of wax candle she kept for her thread it looked being so wrinkled in all directions at the little house with a roof where the yard measure lived at her work box with a sliding lid with a view of saint paul s cathedral with a pink dome painted on the top at the brass on her finger at herself whom i thought lovely i felt so sleepy that i knew if i lost sight of anything for a moment i was gone says i suddenly were you ever mai lord master replied what s put marriage in your head she answered with such a start that it quite awoke me and then she stopped in her work and looked at me with her needle drawn out to its thread s length but were you ever married says i you are a very handsome woman an t you of david i thought her in a different style from my mother certainly but of another school of beauty i considered her a perfect example there was a red velvet in the best parlor on which my mother had painted a the ground work of that stool and s complexion appeared to me to be one and the same thing the stool was smooth and was rough but that made no difference me handsome said no my dear i but what put marriage in your head i don t know you mustn t marry more than one person at a time may you certainly not says with the decision but if you marry a person and the person dies why then you may marry another person t you you may says if you choose my dear that s a matter of opinion but what is your opinion said i i asked her and looked curiously at her because she looked so curiously at me my opinion is said taking her eyes from me after a little and going on with her work that i never was married myself master and that i don t expect to be that s all i know about the subject you an t cross i suppose are you said i after sitting quiet for a minute i really thought she was she had been so short with me but i was quite mistaken for she laid aside her work which was a of her own and opening her arms wide took my curly head within them and gave it a good squeeze i know it was a good squeeze because being very plump whenever she made any little exertion after she was dressed some of the buttons on the back of her gown flew off and i recollect two bursting to the opposite side of the parlor while she was me now let me hear some more about the said who was not quite right in the name yet for i an t heard half enough i couldn t quite understand why looked so queer or why she was so ready to go back to the however we returned to those monsters with fresh on my part and we left their eggs in the sand for the sun to and we ran away from them and baffled them by constantly turning which they were unable to do quickly on account of their make and we went into the water after them as natives and put sharp pieces of timber down their throats and in short we ran the whole did at least but i had my doubts of who was thoughtfully sticking her needle into various parts of her face and arms all the time we had exhausted the and begun with the when the garden bell rang we went out to the door and there was my mother looking unusually pretty i thought and with her a gentleman with beautiful black hair and whiskers who had walked home with us from church last sunday the personal history and experience as my mother stooped down on the to take me in her arms and kiss me the gentleman said i was a more highly privileged little fellow than a monarch
| 8 |
or something like that for my later comes i am sensible to my aid here what does that mean i asked him over her shoulder he patted me on the head but somehow i didn t like him or his deep voice and i was jealous that his hand should touch my mother s in touching me which it did i put it away as well as i could oh remonstrated my mother dear boy said the gentleman i cannot wonder at his devotion i never saw such a beautiful color on my mother s face before she gently me for being rude and keeping me close to her shawl turned to thank the gentleman for taking so much trouble as to bring her home she put out her hand to him as she spoke and as he met it with his own she glanced i thought at me let us say good night my fine boy said the gentleman when he had bent his head saw him over my mother s little glove said i come let us be the best friends in the world said the gentleman laughing shake my right hand was in ray mother s left so i gave him the other why that s the wrong hand laughed the gentleman my mother drew my right hand forward but i was resolved for my former reason not to give it him and i did not i gave him the other and he shook it heartily and said i was a brave fellow and went away at this minute i see him turn round in the garden and give us a last look with his ill black eyes before the door was shut who had not said a word or moved a finger secured the instantly and we all went into the parlor my mother contrary to her usual habit instead of coming to the elbow chair by the fire remained at the other end of the room and sat singing to herself hope you have had a pleasant evening ma am said standing as stiff as a barrel in the centre of the room with a in her hand much obliged to you returned my mother in a cheerful voice i have had a very pleasant evening a stranger or so makes an agreeable change suggested a very agreeable change indeed returned my mother continuing to stand motionless in the middle of the room and my mother her singing i fell asleep though i was not so sound asleep but that i could hear voices without hearing what they said when i half awoke from this uncomfortable dose i found and my mother both in tears and both talking not such a one as this mr wouldn t have liked said that i say and that i swear good heavens cried my mother you drive me mad was ever any poor girl so ill used by her servants as i am why do i do the injustice of calling myself a have i never been married of david god knows you have ma am ned then how can you dare said my mother you know i don t mean how can you dare but how can you have the heart to make me so uncomfortable and say such bitter things to me when you are well aware that i haven t out of this place a single friend to turn to the more s the reason returned for saying that it won t do no that it won t do no no price could make it do no i thought would have thrown the away she was so emphatic with it how c n you be so said my mother shedding more tears than before as to talk in such an unjust manner how can you go on as if it was all settled and arranged when i tell you over and over again you cruel thing that beyond the commonest nothing has passed you talk of what am i to do if people are so silly as to indulge the sentiment is it my fault what am i to do i ask you would you wish me to my head and black my face or myself with a burn or a or something of that sort i dare say you would i dare say you d quite enjoy it seemed to take this very much to heart i thought and my dear boy cried my mother coming to the elbow chair in which i was and caressing me my own little is it to be hinted to me that i am wanting in affection for my precious treasure the dearest little fellow that ever was nobody never went and hinted no such a thing said you did returned my mother you know you what else was it possible to infer from what you said you unkind creature when you know as well as i do that on his account only last quarter i wouldn t buy myself a new though that old green one is the whole way up and the fringe is perfectly you know it is you can t deny it then turning affectionately to me with her cheek against mine am i a naughty to you am i a nasty cruel selfish bad say i am my child say yes dear boy and will love you and s love is a great deal better than mine i love you at all do i at this we au fell a crying together i think i was the of the party but i am sure we were all sincere about it i w as quite myself and am afraid that in the first of wounded tenderness i a beast that honest creature in deep affliction i remember and must have become quite on the occasion for a httle of those went off when after having made
| 8 |
it up with my mother she down by the and made it up with me we went to bed greatly dejected my sobs kept waking me for a long time and when one very strong sob quite hoisted me up in bed i found my mother sitting on the and leaning over me i fell asleep in her arms after that and slept soundly whether it was the following sunday when i saw the gentleman again or whether there was any greater lapse of time before he reappeared i the and experience cannot i don t profess to be clear about dates but there he was in church and he walked home with us afterwards he came in too to look at a famous we had in the parlor window it did not appear to me that he took much notice of it but before he went he asked my mother to give him a bit of the blossom she begged him to choose it for himself but he refused to do that i could not understand why so she plucked it for him and gave it into his hand he said he would never never part with it any more and i thought he must be quite a fool not to know that it would fall to pieces in a day or two began to be less with us of an evening than she had always been my mother deferred to her very much more than usual it occurred to me and we were all three excellent friends still we were what we used to be and were not so comfortable among ourselves sometimes i fancied that objected to my mother s wearing all the pretty dresses she had in her drawers or to her going so often to visit at that neighbour s but i couldn t to my satisfaction make out how it was gradually i became used to seeing the gentleman with the black whiskers i liked him no better than at first and had the same uneasy jealousy of him but if i had any reason for it beyond a child s instinctive dislike and a general idea that and i could make much of my mother without any help it certainly was not the reason that i might have found if i had been older no such thing came into my mind or near it i could observe in little pieces as it were but as to making a net of a number of these pieces and catching anybody in it that was as yet beyond me one autumn morning i was with my mother in the front garden when mr i knew him by that name now came by on horseback he up his horse to salute my mother and said he was going to to see some friends who were there with a and merrily proposed to take me on the saddle before him if i would like the ride the air was so clear and pleasant and the horse seemed to like the idea of the ride so much himself as he stood and at the garden gate that i had a great desire to go so i was sent up stairs to to be made and in the meantime mr dismounted and with his horse s bridle drawn over his arm walked slowly up and down on the outer side of the fence while my mother walked slowly and down on the inner to keep him company i recollect and i peeping out at them from my little window i recollect how closely they appeared to be examining the between them as they strolled along and how from being in a perfectly temper turned cross in a moment and brushed my hair the wrong way excessively hard mr and were soon off and trotting along on the green turf by the side of the road he held me quite easily with one arm and i don t think i was restless usually but i could not make up my mind to sit in front of him without turning my head sometimes and looking up in his face he had that kind of shallow black eye i ant of david a better word to express an eye that has no depth in it to be looked into which when it is abstracted seems from some peculiarity of light to be for a moment at a time by a cast several times when i glanced at him i observed that appearance with a sort of awe and wondered what he was thinking about so closely his hair and whiskers were and thicker looked at so near than even i had given them credit for being a about the lower part of his face and the dotted indication of the strong black beard he shaved close every day reminded me of the wax work that had travelled into our neighbourhood some half before this his regular eyebrows and the rich white and black and brown of his complexion confound his complexion and his memory made me think him in spite of my a very handsome man i have no doubt that my poor dear mother thought him so too we went to an hotel by the sea where two gentlemen were smoking cigars in a room by themselves each of them was lying on at least four chairs and had a large rough jacket on in a corner was a heap of coats and boat and a flag all up together they both rolled on to their feet in an sort of manner when we came iu and said we thought you were dead not yet said mr and who s this said one of the gentlemen taking hold of me that s returned mr who said the gentleman jones said mr what mrs s cried the gentleman the pretty little widow
| 8 |
said mr take care if you please somebody s sharp who is asked the gentleman laughing i looked up quickly being curious to know only of said mr i was quite relieved to find it was only of for at first i really thought it was i there seemed to be something very in the reputation of mr of for both the gentlemen laughed heartily when he was mentioned and mr was a good deal amused also after some laughing the gentleman whom he had called said and what is the opinion of of in reference to the projected business why i don t know that understands much about it at present mr but he is not generally favourable i believe there was more laughter at this and mr said he would ring the bell for some in which to drink to this he did and when the wine came he made me have a little with a and before i drank it stand up and say confusion to of the personal history and experience the toast was received with great applause and such hearty laughter that it made me laugh too at which they laughed the more in short we quite enjoyed ourselves we walked about on the cliff after that and sat on the grass and looked at things through a i could make out nothing myself when it was put to my eye but i pretended i could and then we came back to the hotel to an early dinner all the time we were out the two gentlemen smoked incessantly which t thought if i might judge from the smell of their rough coats they must have been doing ever since the first come home from the tailor s i must not forget that we went on board the they all three descended into the cabin and were busy with some papers i saw them quite hard at work when i looked down through the open they left me during this time with a veiy nice man with a very large head of red hair and a very small shiny hat upon it who had got a cross barred shirt or waistcoat on with in capital letters across the chest i thought it was his name and that as he lived on board ship and hadn t a street door to put his name on he put it there instead but when i called him mr he said it meant the vessel i observed all day that mr was graver and than the two gentlemen they were very gay and careless they freely with one another but seldom with him it appeared to me that he was more clever and cold than they were and that they regarded him with something of my own feeling i remarked that once or twice when mr was talking he looked at mr sideways as if to make sure of his not being displeased and that once when mr the other gentleman was in high spirits he trod upon his foot and gave him a secret caution with his eyes to observe mr who was sitting stern and silent nor do i recollect that mr laughed at all that day except at the joke and that by the by was his own we went home early in the evening it was a very fine evening and my mother and he had another stroll by the sweet while i was sent in to get my tea when he was gone my mother asked me all about the day i had had and what they had said and done i mentioned what they had said about her and she laughed and told me they were impudent fellows who talked nonsense but i knew it pleased her i knew it quite as well as i know it now i took the opportunity of asking if she was at all acquainted with mr of but she answered no only she supposed he must be a in the knife and fork way can i say of her face altered as i have reason to remember it perished as i know it is that it is gone when here it comes before me at this instant as distinct as any face that i may choose to look on in a crowded street can i say of her innocent and girlish beauty that it faded and was no more when its breath falls on my cheek now as it fell that night can i say she ever changed when my remembrance brings her back to life thus only and truer to its loving youth than i have or man ever is still holds fast what it cherished then of david i write of her just as was i had gone to bed after tliis talk and she came to bid me good night she down by the side of the bed and laying her chin upon her hands and laughing said what was it they said tell me again i can t believe it i began my mother put her hands upon her lips to stop me it was never she said laughing it never could have been now i know it wasn t yes it was mrs i repeated stoutly and pretty no no it was never pretty not pretty interposed my mother laying her fingers on my lips again yes it was pretty little widow what foolish impudent creatures cried my mother laughing and covering her face what ridiculous men an t they dear well ma don t tell she might be angry with them i am dreadfully angry with them myself but i would rather didn t know i promised of course and we kissed one another over and over again and i soon fell fast asleep it seems to me at this distance of time as if it were the next day when the striking
| 8 |
over the great dull waste that lay across the river and i could not help wondering if the world were really as round as my said how any part of it came to be so flat but i reflected that might be situated at one of the poles which would account for it as we drew a little nearer and saw the whole adjacent prospect lying a straight low line under the sky i hinted to that a mound or so might have improved it and also that if the land had been a little more separated from the sea and the town and the tide had not been quite so much mixed up like toast and water it would have been but said with greater emphasis than usual that we must take things as we found them and that for her part she was proud to call herself a when we got into the street which was strange enough to me and smelt the fish and pitch and and tar and saw the sailors about and the carts up and down over the stones i felt that i had done so busy a place an injustice and said as much to who heard my expressions of with great complacency and told me it was well known i suppose to those who had the good fortune the personal history and experience to be bom that was upon the whole the finest place in the universe here s my am screamed out of knowledge he was waiting for us in fact at the public house and asked me how i found myself like an old i did not feel at first that i knew him as well as he knew me because he had never come to our house since the night i was born and naturally he had the advantage of me but our intimacy was much advanced by his taking me on his back to carry me home he was now a huge strong fellow of six feet high broad in proportion and round shouldered but a boy s face and curly light air that gave him quite a look he was dressed in a jacket and a pair of such very stiff trousers that they would have stood quite as well alone without any legs in them and you couldn t so properly have said he wore a hat as that he was covered in a top like an old building with something ham carrying me on his back and a small box of ours imder his arm and carrying another small box of ours we turned down with bits of and little of sand and went gas works rope walks boat yards ship yards ship yards yards and a great litter of such places until we came out upon the dull waste i had already seen at a distance when ham said ton s our house r i looked in all directions as far as i could stare over the wilderness and away at the sea and away at the river but no house could make out there was a black or some other kind of boat not far oflf high and dry on the ground with an iron sticking out of it for a chimney and smoking very but nothing else in the way of a habitation that was visible to me that s not it said i that ship looking thing that s it r returned ham if it had been s palace s egg and all i suppose i could not have been more charmed with the romantic idea of in it there was a delightful door cut in the side and it was in and there were little windows in it but the wonderful charm of it was that it was a real boat which had no doubt been upon the water hundreds of times and which had never been intended to be lived in on dry land that was the of it to me if it had ever been meant to be lived in i might have thought it small or inconvenient or lonely but never having been designed for any such use it became a perfect abode it was beautifully clean inside and as tidy as possible there was a table and a dutch clock and a chest of drawers and on the chest of drawers there was a tea tray with a painting on it of a lady with a taking a walk with a military looking child who was a the tray was kept from tumbling down by a bible and the tray if it had tumbled down would have smashed a quantity of cups and and a that were around the book on the walls i li sa of david there were some common colored pictures framed and glazed of e subjects such as i have never seen since in the hands of without seeing the whole interior of s brother s house again at one view in red going to sacrifice in blue and daniel in yellow cast into a den of green lions were the most prominent of these over the little mantel shelf was a picture of the jane built at with a real little wooden stern stuck on to it a work of art composition with which i considered to be one of the most possessions that the world could there were some hooks in the beams of the ceiling the use of which i did not divine then and some and boxes and of that sort which served for seats and out the chairs all this i saw in the first glance after i crossed the threshold according to my theory and then opened a little door and showed me my it was the and most desirable bedroom ever seen in the stern of the vessel with a little window where the used to go through a little looking glass
| 8 |
just the right height for me nailed against the wall and framed with shells a little bed which there was just room enough to get into and a of in a blue on the table the walls were as white as milk and the made my eyes quite ache with its brightness one thing i particularly noticed in this delightful house was the of fish which was so searching that when i took out my pocket handkerchief to wipe my nose i found it smelt exactly as if it had up a on my this discovery in confidence to she informed me that her brother dealt in and and i afterwards found that a heap of these creatures in a state of wonderful with one another and never leaving oft whatever they laid hold of were usually to be found in a little wooden where the pots and were kept we were welcomed by a very civil woman in a white apron whom i had seen at the door when i was on ham s back about a quarter of a mile off likewise by a most beautiful little girl or i thought her so with a of blue beads on who wouldn t let me kiss her when i offered to but ran away and hid herself by and by when we had dined in a manner off boiled melted butter and potatoes with a chop for me a hairy man with a very good natured face came home as he called and gave her a hearty on the cheek i had no doubt from the general propriety of her conduct that he was her brother and so he turned out being presently introduced to me as mv the master of the house glad to see you said mr you find us rough sir but you ll find us ready i thanked him and replied that i was sure i should be happy in such a delightful place s your ma sir said mr did you leave her pretty jolly j the and experience i gave mr to understand that she was as jolly as i could wish and that she desired her compliments which was a polite fiction on my part i m much to her i m sure said mr well sir if you can make out here fur a long wi her nodding at his sister and ham and little em ly we be proud of your company having done the honors of his house in this hospitable manner mr went out to wash himself in a of hot water remarking that cold would never get off he soon returned greatly improved in appearance but so that i couldn t help thinking his face had this in common with the and that it went into the hot water very black and came out very red after tea when the door was shut and all was made snug the nights being cold and misty now it seemed to me the most delicious retreat that the imagination of man could conceive to hear the wind getting up out at sea to know that the fog was creeping over the desolate flat outside and to look at the fire and think that there was no house near but this one and this one a boat was like enchantment little em ly had overcome her shyness and was sitting by my side upon the lowest and least of the which was just large enough for us two and just fitted into the chimney corner mrs with the white apron was knitting on the opposite side of the fire at her needle work was as much at home with saint paul s and the bit of wax candle as if they had never known any other roof ham who had been giving me my first lesson in all was trying to recollect a scheme of telling fortunes with the dirty cards and w as ofl impressions of his thumb on all the cards he turned mr was smoking his pipe i felt it was a time for conversation and confidence mr says i sir says he did you give your son the name of ham because you lived in a sort of ark mr seemed to think it a deep idea but answered no sir i never him no name who gave him that name then said i putting question of the to mr why sir his father it him said mi i thought you were his father my brother joe was his father said mr dead mi i hinted after a respectful pause said mr i was very much surprised that mr was not ham s father and began to wonder whether i was mistaken about his to anybody else there i was so curious to know that i made up my mind to have it out with mr little em ly i said glancing at her she is your daughter isn t she mr no sir my brother in law tom was her father of david i couldn t help it dead mr i hinted after another respectful silence said mr i felt the difficulty of the subject but had not got to the bottom of it yet and must get to the bottom somehow so i said t you any children mr no master he answered with a short laugh i m a a bachelor i said astonished why who s that mr pointing to the person in the apron who was knitting that s said mr mr but at this point i mean my own peculiar made such impressive motions to me not to ask any more questions that i could only sit and look at all the silent company until it was time to go to bed then in the privacy of my own little cabin she informed me that ham and em ly were an orphan nephew and
| 8 |
was walking much too near the brink of a sort of old or wooden we had strolled upon and i was afraid of her falling over i m not afraid in this way said little em ly but i wake when it blows and tremble to think of uncle dan and ham and i hear em crying out for help that s why i should like so much to be a lady but i m not afraid in this way not a bit look here she started from my side and ran along a jagged timber which from the place we stood upon and the deep water at some height without the least defence the incident is so impressed on my remembrance that if i were a i could draw its form here i accurately as it was that day and little em ly springing forward to her destruction as it appeared to me with a look that i have never forgotten directed far out to sea the light bold fluttering little figure turned and came back safe to me and i soon laughed at my fears and at the cry i had uttered in any case for there was no one near but there have been times since in my manhood many times there have been when i have thought is it possible among the possibilities of hidden things that in the sudden of the child and her wild look so far off there was any merciful attraction of her into danger any tempting her towards him permitted on the part of her dead father that her life might have a chance of ending that day there has been a time since when i have wondered whether if the life before her could have been revealed to me at a glance and so revealed as that a child could fully comprehend it and if her preservation could have depended on a motion of my hand i ought to have held it up to save her there has been a time since i do not say it lasted long but it has been when i have asked myself the question would it have been better for little em ly to have had the waters close above her head that morning in my sight and when i have answered yes it would have been this may be premature i have set it down too soon perhaps but let it stand we strolled a long way and loaded ourselves with things that we thought curious and put some star fish carefully back into the water i hardly know enough of the race at this moment to be quite certain whether they had reason to feel obliged to us for doing so or the reverse and then made our v ay home to mr s dwelling we stopped under the lee of the to exchange an innocent kiss and went in to breakfast glowing with health and pleasure like two young mr said i knew this meant in our local dialect like two young and received it as a compliment the personal and of course i was in love with little em ly i am sure i loved that baby quite as truly quite as tenderly with greater purity and more than can enter into the best love of a later time of life high and as it is i am sure my fancy raised up something round that blue eyed of a child which and made a very angel of her if any sunny she had spread a little pair of wings and flown away before my eyes i don t think i should have regarded it as much more than i had had reason to expect we used to walk about that dim old flat at in a loving manner hours and hours the days by us as if time had not o up himself yet but were a child too and always at play i told em ly i adored her and that unless she confessed she adored me i should be reduced to the necessity of killing myself with a sword she said she did and i have no doubt she did as to any sense of or or other difficulty in our way little em ly and i had no such trouble because we had no future we made no more provision for growing older than we did for growing younger we were the admiration of mrs and who used to whisper of an evening when we sat lovingly on our little side by side lor wasn t it beautiful mr smiled at us from behind his pipe and ham grinned all the evening and did nothing else they had something of the sort of pleasure in us i suppose that they might have had in a pretty toy or a pocket model of the i soon found out that mrs did not always make herself so agreeable as she might have been expected to do under the circumstances of her residence with mr mrs s was rather a disposition and she more sometimes than was comfortable for other parties in so small an establishment i was very sorry for her but there were moments when it would have been more agreeable thought if mrs had had a convenient apartment of her own to retire to and had stopped there until her spirits revived mr went occasionally to a public house called the willing mind i discovered this by his being out on the second or third evening of our visit and by mrs s looking up at the dutch clock between eight and nine and saying he was there and that what was more she had known in the morning he would go there mrs had been in a low state all day and had burst into tears in the when the fire smoked i am a lone were mrs s words when
| 8 |
that unpleasant occurrence took place and goes with me oh it soon leave off said i again mean our and besides you know it s not more disagreeable to you than to us i feel it more said mrs it was a very cold day with cutting of wind mrs s peculiar corner of the fireside seemed to me to be the warmest and in the place as her chair was certainly the easiest but it didn t suit her that day at she was constantly complaining of the cold and of david of its a in her back which she called the at last she shed tears on that subject and said again that she was a lone and went with her it is certainly very cold said everybody must feel it so i feel it more than other people said mrs so at dinner when mrs was always helped immediately after me to whom the preference was given as a visitor of distinction the fish were small and bony and the potatoes w ere a little burnt we all acknowledged that we felt this something of a disappointment but mrs said she felt it more than we did and shed tears again and made that former declaration with great bitterness accordingly when mr came home about nine o clock this unfortunate mrs was knitting in her corner in a very wretched and miserable condition had been working cheerfully ham had been up a great pair of water boots and i with little em ly by my side had been reading to them mrs had never made any other remark than a forlorn sigh and had never raised her eyes since tea well mates said mr taking his seat and how are you we all said something or looked something to welcome him except mrs who only shook her head over her knitting what s amiss said mr with a clap of his hands cheer up old mr meant old girl mrs did not appear to be able to cheer up she took out an old black silk handkerchief and wiped her eyes but instead of putting it in her pocket kept it out and wiped them again and still kept it out ready for use what s amiss dame said mr nothing returned mrs you ve come from the willing mind dan l why yes i ve took a short spell at the willing mind to night said mr i m sorry i should drive you there said mrs drive i don t want no driving returned mr an honest laugh i only go too ready very ready said mrs shaking her head and wiping her eyes yes yes very ready i am sorry it should be along of me that you re so ready along o you it an t along o you said mr don t ye believe a bit on it yes yes it is cried mrs i know what i am i know that i m a lone and not only that goes with me but that i go with everybody yes yes i feel more than other people do and i show it more it s my i really couldn t help thinking as i sat taking in all this that the misfortune extended to some members of that family besides mrs but mr made no such retort only answering with another entreaty to mrs to cheer up the personal history and experience i an t what i could wish myself to be said mrs i am far from it i know what i am my troubles has made me i feel my troubles and they make me i wish i did nt feel em but i do i wish i could be hardened to em but i an t i make the house uncomfortable i don t wonder at it i ve made your sister so all day and master here i was suddenly melted and roared out you have nt mrs in great mental distress it s far from right that i should do it said mrs it an t a fit return i had better go into the house and die i am a lone and had much better not make myself here if thinks must go with me and i must go myself let me go in my parish dan l i d better go into the house and die and be a mrs retired with these words and herself to bed when she was gone who had not exhibited a trace of any feeling but the sympathy looked round upon us and nodding his head with a lively expression of that sentiment still his face said in a whisper she s been thinking of the old un i did not quite understand what old one mrs was supposed to have fixed her mind upon until on seeing me to bed explained that it was the late mr and that her brother always took that for a received truth on such occasions and that it always had a moving upon him some time after he was in his that night i heard him myself repeat to ham poor thing she s been thinking of the old un and whenever mrs was overcome in a similar manner during the remainder of our stay which happened some few times he always said the same thing in of the circumstance and always with the tenderest so the fortnight slipped away varied by nothing but the of the tide which altered mr s times of going out and coming in and altered ham s engagements also when the latter was he sometimes walked with us to show us the boats and ships and once or twice he took us for a row i don t know why one slight set of impressions should be more particularly associated with a place than another though i believe this with most people in reference
| 8 |
witness for me what a heavy heart i carried to it i went up there hearing the dog in the yard bark after me all the way while i climbed the stairs and looking as blank and strange upon the room as the room looked upon me sat down with my small hands crossed and thought i thought of the things of the shape of the room of the cracks in the ceiling of the paper on the wall of the in the window glass making and on the prospect of the washing stand being on its three legs and having a discontented something about it which reminded me of mrs under the influence of the old one i was crying all the time but except that i was conscious of being cold and dejected i am sure i never thought why i cried at last in my desolation i began to consider that i was dreadfully in love with little em ly and had been torn away from her to come here where no one seemed to want me or to care about me half as much as she did this made such a very miserable piece of business of it that i rolled myself up in a corner of the and cried myself to sleep i was awoke by somebody saying here he is and my hot head my mother and had come to look for me and it was one of them who had done it said my mother what s the matter i thought it very strange that she should ask me and answered nothing i turned over on my face i recollect to hide my trembling lip which answered her with greater truth said my mother my child i dare say no words she could have uttered would have affected me so much then as her calling me her child i hid my tears in the and pressed her from me with my hand when she would have raised me up this is your doing you cruel thing said my mother i have no doubt at all about it how can you reconcile it to your conscience i wonder to prejudice my own boy against me or against anybody who is dear to me what do you mean by it poor lifted up her hands and eyes and only answered in a sort of of the grace i usually repeated after dinner lord forgive you mrs and for what you have said this minute may you never be truly sorry it s enough to me cried my mother in my too when my most enemy might one would think and not envy me a little peace of mind and happiness you naughty boy you savage creature oh dear me cried my mother d the personal history and experience turning from one of us to the other in her wilful manner what a troublesome world this is when one has the most right to expect it to be as agreeable as possible i felt the touch of a hand that i knew was neither her s nor s and slipped to my feet at the bed side it was mr s hand and he kept it on my arm as he said wliat s this my love have you forgotten firmness my dear i am very sorry edward said my mother i meant to be very good but i am so uncomfortable indeed he answered that s a bad hearing so soon f i say it s veiy hard i should be made so now returned my mother and it is very hard isn t it he drew her to him whispered in her ear and kissed her i knew as well when i saw my mother s head lean down upon his shoulder and her arm touch his neck i knew as well that he could mould her nature into any form he chose as i know now that he did it go you below my love said mr david and i will come down together my friend turning a darkening face on when he had watched my mother out and dismissed her with a nod and a smile do you know your mistress s name she has been my mistress a long time sir answered i ought to it that s true he answered but i thought i heard you as i came up stairs address her by a name that is not hers she has taken mine you know will you remember that with some uneasy glances at me herself out of the room without replying seeing i suppose that she was expected to go and had no excuse for remaining when we two were left alone he shut the door and sitting on a chair and holding me standing before him looked steadily into my eyes i felt my own attracted no less steadily to his as i recall our being opposed thus face to face i seem again to hear my heart beat fast and high david he said making his lips thin by pressing them together if i have an obstinate horse or dog to deal with what do you think i do i don t know i beat him i had answered in a kind of breathless whisper but i felt in my silence that my breath was shorter now i make him and smart i say to myself i conquer that fellow and if it were to cost him all the blood he had i should do it what is that upon your face dirt he knew it was the mark of tears as well as i but if he had asked the question twenty times each time with twenty blows i believe ray baby heart would have burst before i would have told him so you have a good deal of intelligence for a little fellow he said with a grave
| 8 |
smile that belonged to him and you understood me very well i see wash that face sir and come down with me of david he pointed to the stand which i had made out to be like mrs and me with his head to obey him directly i had little doubt then and i have less doubt now that he would have knocked me down without the least if i had hesitated my dear he said when i had done his bidding and he walked me into the parlor with his hand still on my arm you will not be made uncomfortable any more i hope we shall soon improve our youthful god help me i might have been improved for my whole life i might have been made another creature perhaps for ufe by a kind word at that season a word of encouragement and explanation of pity for my childish ignorance of welcome home of ance to me that it was home might have made me dutiful to him in my heart henceforth instead of in my outside and might have made me respect instead of hate him i thought my mother was sorry to see me standing in the room so scared and strange and that presently when i stole to a chair she followed me with her eyes more sorrowfully still missing perhaps some freedom in my childish tread but the word was not spoken and the time for it was gone we dined alone we together he seemed to be very fond of my mother i am afraid i liked him none the better for that and she was veiy fond of him i gathered from what they said that an elder sister of his was coming to stay with them and that she was expected that evening i am not certain whether i found out then or afterwards that without being concerned in any business he had some share in or some annual charge upon the profits of a wine merchant s house in london with which his family had been connected from his gi eat grandfather s time and in which his sister had a similar interest but i may mention it in this place whether or no after dinner when we were sitting by the fire and i was meditating an escape to without having the to slip away lest it should offend the master of the house a coach drove up to the garden gate and he went out to receive the visitor my mother followed him i was timidly following her when she turned round at the in the dusk and taking me in her embrace as she had been used to do whispered me to love my new father and be obedient to him she did this hurriedly and secretly as if it were wrong but tenderly and putting out her hand behind her held mine in it until we came near to where he was standing in the garden where she let mine go and drew her s through his arm it was miss who was arrived and a gloomy looking lady she was dark like her brother whom she greatly resembled in face and voice and with veiy heavy eyebrows nearly meeting over her large nose as if being by the wrongs of her sex from wearing whiskers she had carried them to that account she brought with her two hard black boxes with her on the in hard brass nails when she paid the coachman she took her money out of a hard steel purse and she kept the purse in a very jail of a bag which hung upon her arm by a heavy chain and shut up like a bite i had never at that time seen such a lady altogether as miss was d the personal history and experience she was brought into the parlor with many tokens of welcome and there formally recognised my mother as a new and near relation then she looked at me and said is that your boy sister in law my mother acknowledged me generally speaking said miss i don t like boys how d ye do boy under these encouraging circumstances i replied that i was very well and that i hoped she was the same with such an indifferent grace that miss disposed of me in two words wants manner having uttered which with great distinctness she begged the favor of being to her room which became to me from that time forth a place of awe and dread wherein the two black boxes were never seen open or known to be left unlocked and where for i peeped in once or twice when she was out numerous little steel and with which miss herself when she was dressed generally hung upon the looking glass in formidable array as well as i could make out she had come for good and had no intention of ever going again she began to help my mother next morning and was in and out of the store closet all day putting things to rights and making in the old arrangements almost the first remarkable thing i observed in miss was her being constantly haunted by a suspicion that the servants had a man somewhere on the premises under the influence of this delusion she into the coal cellar at the most hours and scarcely ever opened the door of a dark cupboard without clapping it to again in the belief that she had got him though there was nothing very airy about miss she was a perfect lark in point of getting up she was up and as i believe to this hour looking for that man before anybody in the house was stirring gave it as her opinion that she even slept with one eye open but i could not in this idea for i tried it myself after hearing the suggestion
| 8 |
thrown out and found it couldn t be done on the very first morning after her arrival she was up and ringing her bell at cock crow when my mother came down to breakfast and was going to make the tea miss gave her a kind of on the cheek which was her nearest approach to a kiss and said now my dear i am come here you know to relieve you of all the trouble i can you re much too pretty and thoughtless my mother blushed but laughed and seemed not to dislike this character to have any duties imposed upon you that can be undertaken by me if you ll be so good as give me your keys my dear i ll attend to all this sort of thing in future from that time miss kept the keys in her own little jail all day and under her pillow all night and my mother had no more to do with them than i had my mother did not suffer her authority to pass from her without a shadow of protest one night when miss had been developing certain household plans to her brother of which he signified liis op david tion my mother suddenly began to cry and said thought she might have been consulted said mr sternly i wonder at you oh it s very well to say you wonder edward cried my mother and it s very well for you to talk about firmness but you wouldn t like it yourself firmness i may observe was the grand quality on which both mr and miss took their stand however i might have expressed my comprehension of it at that time if i had been called upon i nevertheless did clearly comprehend in my own way that it was another name for tyranny and for a certain gloomy devil s humour that was in them both the creed as i should state it now was this mr was firm nobody in his world was to be so firm as mr nobody else in his world was to be firm at all for everybody was to be bent to his firmness miss was an exception she might be firm but only by relationship and in an inferior and degree my mother was another exception she might be firm and must be but only in bearing their firmness and firmly believing there was no other firmness upon earth it s very hard said my mother that in my own house my own house repeated mr our own house i mean faltered my mother evidently frightened i hope you must know what i mean edward it s very hard that in your own house i may not have a word to say about domestic matters i am sure i managed very well before we were married there s evidence said my mother sobbing ask if i didn t do very well when i wasn t interfered with edward said miss let there be an end of this i go to morrow jane said her brother be silent how dare you to that you don t know my character better than your words imply i am sure my poor mother went on at a grievous disadvantage and with many tears i don t want anybody to go i should be very miserable and unhappy if anybody was to go i don t ask much i am not unreasonable i only want to be consulted sometimes i am very much obliged to anybody who me and i only want to be consulted as a mere form sometimes i thought you were pleased once with my being a little inexperienced and girlish edward i am sure you said so but you seem to hate me for it now you are so severe edward said miss again let there be an end of this i go to morrow jane thundered mr will you be silent how dare you miss made a jail delivery of her pocket handkerchief and held it before her eyes he continued looking at my mother you surprise me you me yes i had a satisfaction in the thought of marrying an inexperienced and person and forming her character and into it some amount of that firmness and decision of which it stood in need but when jane is kind enough to come to my assistance the personal and experience in this endeavour and to assume for my sake a condition something like a er s and when she meets with a base return oh pray pray edward cried my mother don t accuse me of being i am sure i am not ungrateful no one ever said i was before i have many faults but not that oh don t my dear when jane meets i say he went on after waiting until my mother was silent with a base return that feeling of mine is chilled and altered don t my love say that implored my mother very oh don t edward i can t bear to hear it whatever i am i am i know i am affectionate i wouldn t say it if i wasn t certain that i am ask i am sure she teu you i m affectionate there is no extent of mere weakness said mr in reply that can have the least weight with me you lose breath pray let us be friends said my mother i couldn t live under coldness or i am so sorry i have a great many defects i know and it s very good of you edward with your strength of mind to endeavour to correct them for me jane i don t object to anything i should be quite broken hearted if you thought of leaving my mother was too much overcome to go on jane said mr to his sister any harsh words between us
| 8 |
are i hope uncommon it is not my fault that so unusual an occurrence has taken place to night i was betrayed into it by another nor is it your fault you were betrayed into it by another let us both try to forget it and as this he added after these words is not a fit scene for the boy david go to bed i could hardly find the door through the tears that stood in my eyes i was so sorry for my mother s distress but i my way out and my way up to my room in the dark without even having the heart to say good night to or to get a candle from her when her coming up to look for me an hour or so afterwards awoke me she said that my mother had gone to bed poorly and that mr and miss were sitting alone going down next morning rather earlier than usual i paused outside the parlor door on hearing my mother s voice she was very earnestly and humbly miss s pardon which that lady and a perfect reconciliation took place i never knew ray mother afterwards to give an opinion n any matter without st appealing to or without having first ascertained by some sure means what miss s opinion was and i never saw miss when out of temper she was that way move her hand towards her bag as if she were going to take out the keys and oft er to resign them to my mother without seeing that my mother was in a terrible fright the gloomy taint that was in the blood darkened the religion which was austere and i have thought since that its assuming that character was a necessary consequence of mr s firmness which wouldn t allow him to let any body oft from the utmost weight of the he could find any excuse for be this as it may i well remember the tremendous with of david we used to go to and tlie changed air of the place again the dreaded sunday comes round and i file into the old first like a guarded captive brought to a condemned service again miss in a black velvet gown that looks as if it had been made out of a pall follows close upon me then my mother then her husband there is no now as in the old time again i listen to miss the and all the dread words with a cruel again i see her dark eyes roll round the church when she says miserable as if she were calling all the congregation names again i catch rare glimpses of my mother moving her lips timidly between the two with one of them muttering at each ear like low thunder again i wonder with a sudden fear whether it is likely that our good old clergyman can be wrong and mr and miss right and that all the angels in heaven can be destroying angels again if i move a finger or a muscle of my face miss me with her prayer book and makes my side ache yes and again as we walk home i note some neighbours looking at my mother and at me and whispering again as the three go on arm in arm and i linger behind alone i follow some of those looks and wonder if my mother s step be really not so light as i have seen it and if the gaiety of her beauty be really almost worried away again i wonder whether any of the neighbours call to mind as i do how ave used to walk home together she and i and i wonder about that all the dreary dismal day there had been some talk on occasions of my going to mr and miss had originated it and my mother had of course agreed with them nothing however was concluded on the subject yet in the meantime i learnt lessons at home shall i ever forget those lessons they were presided over by my mother but really by mr and his sister who were always present and found them a favourable occasion for giving my mother lessons in that firmness which was the of both our lives i believe i was kept at home for that purpose i had been apt enough to learn and willing enough when my mother and i had lived alone together i can faintly remember learning the at her knee to this day when i look upon the fat black letters in the the novelty of their shapes and the easy good nature of and q and s seem to present themselves again before me as they used to do but they recall no feeling of disgust or reluctance on the contrary i seem to have walked along a path of flowers as far as the book and to have been cheered by the gentleness of my mother s voice and manner all the way but these solemn lessons which succeeded those i remember as the at my peace and a grievous daily and misery they were very long very numerous very hard perfectly unintelligible some of them to me and i was generally as much bewildered by them as i believe my poor mother was herself let me remember how it used to be and bring one morning back again i come into the second best parlor after breakfast with my books and an exercise book and a slate my mother is ready for me at her the history and writing desk but not half so ready as mr in his easy chair by the window though he to be reading a book or as miss sitting near my mother steel beads the very sight of these two has such an influence over me that i begin to feel the words i have been at infinite pains to
| 8 |
get into my head all sliding away and going i don t know where i wonder where they do go by the by i hand the first book to my mother perhaps it is a grammar perhaps a history or geography i take a last drowning look at the page as i give it into her hand and start off aloud at a racing pace while i have got it fresh i trip over a word mr looks up i trip over another word miss looks up i tumble over half words and stop i think my mother would show me the book if she dared but she does not dare and she says softly oh now says mr be firm with the boy don t say oh that s childish he knows his lesson or he does not know it he does not know it miss awfully i am really afraid he does not says my mother then you see returns miss you should just give him the book back and make him know it yes certainly says my mother that is what i intend to do my dear jane now try once more and don t be stupid i obey the first of the by trying once more but am not so successful with the second for i am very stupid i tumble down before i get to the old place at a point where i was all right before and stop to think but i can t think about the lesson i think of the number of yards of net in miss s cap or of the price of mr s dressing gown or any such ridiculous problem that i have no business with and don t want to have anything at all to do with mr makes a movement of impatience which i have been expecting for a long time miss does the same my mother glances at them the book and lays it by as an to be worked out my other tasks are done there is a pile of these very soon and it like a rolling the bigger it gets the more stupid i get the case is so hopeless and i feel that i am in such a of nonsense that i give up all idea of getting out and abandon myself to my fate the despairing way in which my mother and i look at each other as i blunder on is truly melancholy but the greatest effect in these miserable lessons is when my mother thinking nobody is observing her tries to give me the cue by the motion of her lips at that instant miss who has been lying in wait for nothing else all along says in a deep warning voice my mother starts colors and smiles faintly mr comes out of his chair takes the book throws it at me or boxes my ears with it and turns me out of the room by the shoulders even when the lessons are done the worst is yet to happen in the shape of an appalling this is invented for me and delivered to me by mr and begins if i go into a s of david and buy five thousand double at each present payment at which i see miss secretly i pore over these without any result or until dinner time when having made a of myself by getting the dirt of the slate into the of my skin i have a of bread to help me out with the and am considered in disgrace for the rest of the evening it seems to me at this distance of time as if my unfortunate studies generally took this course i could have done very well if i had been without the but the influence of the upon me was like the fascination of two on a wretched young bird even when i did get through the morning with tolerable credit there was not much gained but dinner for miss never could endure to see me and if i made any show of being called her brother s attention to me by saying my dear there s nothing like work give your boy an exercise which caused me to be clapped down to some new labor there and then as to any with other children of my age i had very little of that for the gloomy of the made all children out to be a swarm of little though there was a child once set in the midst of the and held that they one another the natural result of this treatment continued i suppose for some six months or more was to make me sullen dull and dogged i was not made the less so by my sense of being daily more and more shut out and from my mother i believe i should have been almost but for one circumstance it was this my father had left a small collection of books in a little room up stairs to which i had access for it my own and which nobody else in our house ever troubled from that blessed little room tom jones the of don bias and came out a glorious host to keep me company they kept alive my fancy and my hope of something beyond that place and time they and the nights and the tales of the and did me no harm for whatever harm was in some of them was not there for me knew nothing of it it is astonishing to me now how i found time in the midst of my and over heavier to read those books as i did it is curious to me how i could ever have consoled myself under my small troubles which were great troubles to me by my favorite characters in them as i did and by putting mr and miss into all the bad
| 8 |
ones which i did too i have been tom jones a child s tom jones a harmless creature for a week together i have sustained my own idea of for a month at a stretch i verily believe i had a greedy relish for a few volumes of voyages and travels i forget what now that were on those shelves and for days and days i can remember to have gone about my region of our house armed with the centre piece out of an old set of boot trees the perfect of captain somebody of the british navy in danger of being beset by savages and resolved to his life at a great price the captain never lost dignity from having his ears with the latin grammar i did but the the personal history and e x captain was a captain and a hero in despite of all the gi of all the languages in the world dead or this my only and my constant comfort i think of it the picture always rises in my mind of a summer evening the boys at play in the churchyard and i sitting on my bed reading as if for life every bam in the hood every stone in the church and every foot of the churchyard had some association of its own in my mind connected with these books and stood for some made famous in them i have seen tom pipes go climbing up the church i have watched with the on his back stopping to rest himself upon the and i know that held that club with mr in the parlor of our little village the reader now understands as well as i do what i was when i came to that point of my youthful history to wliich i am now coming again one morning when i went into the parlor with my books i found my mother looking anxious miss looking firm and binding something round the bottom of a cane a and cane which he left off binding when i came in and poised and in the air i tell you a said mr i have been often myself to be sure of course said miss certainly my dear jane faltered my mother meekly but but do you think it did edward good do you think it did edward asked mr gravely that s the point said his sister to this my mother returned certainly my dear jane and said no more i felt apprehensive that i was personally interested in this dialogue and sought mr s eye as it lighted on mine now david he said and i saw that cast again as he said it you must be far more careful to day than usual he gave the cane another and another and having finished his preparation of it it down beside him with an expressive look and took up his book was a good to my presence of mind as a beginning i felt the words of my lessons slipping off not one by one or line by line but by the entire page i tried to lay hold of them but they seemed if i may so express it to have put on and to aw iy from me with a there was no checking we began badly and went on worse i had come in with an idea of myself rather that i was very well prepared but it turned out to be quite a mistake book after book was added to the heap of failures miss being firmly of us all the time and when we came at last to the five thousand he made it that day i remember my mother burst out said miss in her warning voice i am not quite well my dear jane i think said my mother i saw him wink solemnly at his sister as he rose and said taking up the cane why jane we can hardly expect to bear with perfect firmness of david the worry and torment that david has occasioned her to day that would be is greatly strengthened and improved but we can hardly expect so much from her david you and i will go up stairs boy as he took me out at the door my mother ran towards us miss said are you a perfect fool and interfered i saw my mother stop her ears then and i heard her crying he walked me up to my room slowly and gravely i am certain he had a delight in that formal parade of justice and when we got there suddenly twisted my head under his arm mr sir cried to him don t pray don t beat me i have tried to learn sir but i can t learn while you and miss are by i can t indeed can t you indeed david he said we u try that he had my head as in a vice but i round him somehow and stopped him for a moment him not to beat me it was only for a moment that i stopped him for he cut me heavily an instant afterwards and in the same instant i caught the hand with which he held me in my mouth between my teeth and bit it through it sets my teeth on edge to think of it he beat me then as if he would have beaten me to death above all the noise we made i heard them running up the stairs and crying out i heard my mother crying out and then he was gone and the door was locked outside and i was lying and hot and torn and sore and raging in my way upon the floor how well i recollect when i became quiet what an unnatural stillness seemed to reign through the whole house how weu i remember
| 8 |
when my smart and passion began to cool how wicked i began to feel i sat listening for a long while but there was not a sound i crawled up from the floor and saw my face in the glass so swollen red and ugly that it almost frightened me my were sore and and made me cry afresh when i moved but they were nothing to the guilt i felt it lay heavier on my breast than if i had been a most criminal i dare say it had begun to grow dark and i had shut the window i had been lying for the most part with my head upon the sill by turns crying and looking out when the key was turned and miss came in with some bread and meat and milk these she put down upon the table without a word glaring at me the while with firmness and then retired the door after her long after it was dark i sat there wondering whether anybody else would come when this appeared improbable for that night i and went to bed and there i began to wonder fearfully what would be done to me whether it was a criminal act that i had committed whether i should be taken into and sent to prison whether i was at all in danger of being hanged i never shall forget the waking next morning the being cheerful and fresh for the first moment and then the being weighed down by the stale and dismal oppression of remembrance miss reappeared before i was out of bed told me in so many words that i was free to the personal history and experience walk in the garden for half an hour and no longer and retired the door open that i might avail myself of that permission i did so and did so every morning of my imprisonment which lasted five days if i could have seen my mother alone i should have gone down on my knees to her and her forgiveness but i saw no one miss during the whole except at evening prayers in the parlor to which i was escorted by miss after everybody else was placed where i was stationed a young all alone by myself near the door and whence i was solemnly conducted by my before anyone arose from the posture i only observed that my mother was as far from me as she could be and kept her face another way so that i never saw it and that mr s hand was bound up in a large linen the length of those five days i can convey no idea of to any one they occupy the place of years in my remembrance the way in which i listened to all the incidents of the house that made themselves audible to me the ringing of bells the opening and shutting of doors the murmuring of voices the footsteps on the stairs to any laughing whistling or singing outside which seemed more dismal than anything else to me in my solitude and disgrace the uncertain pace of the hours especially at night when i would wake thinking it was morning and find that the family were not yet gone to bed and that all the length of night had yet to come the depressed dreams and i had the return of day noon afternoon evening when the boys played in the churchyard and i watched them from a distance within the room being ashamed to show myself at the window lest they should know i was a prisoner the strange sensation of never hearing myself speak the fleeting intervals of something like cheerfulness which came with eating and drinking and went away with it the setting in of rain one evening with a fresh smell and its coming down faster and faster between me and the church until it and gathering night seemed to me in gloom and fear and remorse all this appears to have gone round and round for years instead of days it is so vividly and strongly stamped on my remembrance on the last night of my restraint i was awakened by hearing my own name spoken in a whisper i started up in bed and putting out my arms in the dark said there was no immediate answer but presently i heard my name again in a tone so very mysterious and awful that i think i should have gone into a fit if it had not ed to me that it must have come through the i my way to the door and putting my own lips to the whispered is that you dear yes my own precious she replied be as soft as a mouse or the cat hear us i understood this to mean miss and was sensible of the of the case her room being close by how s dear is she very angry with me of david i could hear crying softly on her side of the as i was doing on mine before she answered no not very what is going to be done with me dear do you know school near london was s answer i was obliged to get her to repeat it for she spoke it the first time quite down my throat in consequence of my having forgotten to take my mouth away from the and put my ear there and though her words me a good deal i didn t hear them when to morrow is that the reason why miss took the clothes out of my drawers which she had done though i have forgotten to mention it yes said box shan t i see yes said morning then fitted her mouth close to the and delivered these words it with as much feeling and earnestness as a has ever been the medium of communicating i will venture
| 8 |
to assert shooting in each broken little sentence in a little burst of its own dear if i ain t ben as intimate with you lately as i used to be it ain t i don t love you just as well and more my pretty it s because i thought it better for you and for some one else besides my darling are you listening can you hear ye ye ye yes i sobbed my own said with infinite compassion what i want to say is that you must never forget me for i never forget you and i take as much care of your as ever i took of you and i won t leave her the day may come when she be glad to lay her poor head on her stupid cross old s arm again and i to you my dear though i ain t no scholar and i i fell to kissing the as she couldn t kiss me thank you dear said i oh thank you thank you will you promise me one thing will you write and tell and little em ly and mrs and ham that i am not so bad as they might suppose and that i sent em all my love especially to little em ly will you if you please the kind soul promised and we both of us kissed the with the greatest affection i patted it with my hand i recollect as if it had been her honest face and parted that night there grew up in my breast a feeling for which i cannot veiy well define she did not replace my mother no one could do that but she came into a in my heart which closed upon her and i felt towards her something i have never felt for any other human being it was a sort of affection too and yet if she had died i cannot think what i should have done or how i should have acted out the tragedy it would have been to me in the morning miss appeared as usual and told me i was going to school which was not altogether such news to me as she supposed she also informed me that when i was dressed i was to come down stairs into the parlor and have my breakfast there i found my the personal history and experience mother very pale and with red eyes into whose arms i ran and begged her pardon from my suffering soul oh she said that you could hurt any one i love try to be better pray to be better i forgive you but i am so grieved that you should have such bad passions in your heart they had persuaded her that i was a wicked fellow and she w as more sorry for that than for my going away i felt it sorely i tried to eat my parting breakfast but my tears dropped upon my bread and butter and into my tea i saw my mother look at me sometimes and then glance at the watchful miss and then look down or look away master s box there said miss when wheels were heard at the gate i looked for but it was not she neither she nor mr appeared my former acquaintance the was at the door the box was taken out to his cart and lifted in said miss in her warning note my dear jane returned my mother good bye you are going for your own good good bye my child you will come home in the holidays and be a better boy miss repeated certainly my dear jane replied my mother who was holding me i forgive you my dear boy god bless you miss repeated miss was good enough to take mc out to the cart and to say on the way that she hoped i would repent before i came to a bad end and then i got into the cart and the lazy horse walked off with it v i am sent away from home we might have gone about half a mile and my pocket handkerchief was quite wet through when the stopped short looking out to ascertain what for i saw to my amazement burst from a hedge and climb into the cart she took me in her arms and squeezed me to her stays until the e on my nose was extremely painful though i never thought of that till afterwards when i found it very tender not a single word did speak one of her arms she put it down in her pocket to the elbow and brought out some paper bags of cakes which she crammed into my pockets and a purse which she put into my hand but not one word did she say after another and a final squeeze with both arms she got down from the cart and ran away and my belief is and has always been without a solitary button on her gown i picked up one of several that were rolling about and it as a for a long time the looked at me as if to c if she were coming back of david i my head and said i thought not then come up said the to the lazy horse who came up accordingly having by this time cried as much as i possibly could i began to think it was of no use crying any more especially as neither nor that captain in the british navy had ever cried that i could remember in trying situations the seeing me in this resolution proposed that my pocket handkerchief should be spread upon the horse s back to dry i thanked him and assented and particularly small it looked under those circumstances i had now leisure to examine the se it was a stiff leather purse with a snap
| 8 |
and had three bright shillings in it which had evidently polished up with for my greater delight but its most precious contents were two half crowns folded together in a bit of paper on which was written in my mother s hand for with my love i was so overcome by this that i asked the to be so good as reach me my pocket handkerchief again but he said he thought i had better do without it and i thought i really had so i wiped my eyes on my sleeve and stopped myself good too though in consequence of my previous emotions i was still occasionally seized with a stormy sob after we had on for some little time i asked the if he was going all the way all the way where the there i said where s there the near london i said why that horse said the the rein to point him out would be than pork afore he got over half the ground are you only going to then i asked that s about it said the and there i shall take you to the stage and the stage that take you to wherever it is as this was a great deal for the whose name was mr to say he being as i observed in a former chapter of a temperament and not at all i offered him a cake as a mark of attention which he ate at one exactly like an elephant and which made no more impression on his big face than it would have done on an elephant s did she make em now said mr always leaning forward in his way on the of the cart with an arm on each knee do you mean sir ah said mr her yes she makes all our and does all our cooking do she though said mr he made up his mouth as if to whistle but he didn t whistle he sat looking at the horse s ears as if he saw something new there and sat so for a considerable time by and by he said no i b did you say mr for i thought he wanted something else to eat and had alluded to that description of refreshment the personal history and experience hearts said mr sweet hearts no person walks with her ah he said her oh no she never had a sweetheart didn t she though said mr again he made up his mouth to whistle and again he didn t whistle but sat looking at the horse s ears so she makes said mr after a long interval of reflection all the apple and all the cooking do she i replied that such was the fact well i tell you what said mr p you might be to her i shall certainly write to her i rejoined ah he said slowly turning his eyes towards me well if you was to her p you d recollect to say that was would you that is willing i repeated innocently is that all the message ye es he said considering ye es is but you will be at again to morrow mr i said faltering a little at the idea of my being far away from it then and could give your own message so much better as he this suggestion however with a jerk of his head and once more confirmed his previous request by saying with profound gi is that s the message i readily undertook its while i was waiting for the coach in the hotel at that very afternoon i procured a sheet of paper and an and wrote a note to which ran thus my i have come here safe is willing my love to s affectionately p s he says he particularly wants you to know is willing when i had taken this commission on myself into perfect silence and i feeling quite worn out by all that had happened lately lay down on a sack in the cart and fell asleep i slept soundly until we got to which was so entirely new and strange to me in the inn yard to which we drove that i at once abandoned a latent hope i had had of meeting with some of mi s family there perhaps even with little em ly herself the coach was in the yard shining very much all over but without any horses to it as yet and it looked in that state as if nothing was more unlikely than its ever going to london i was thinking this and wondering what would ultimately become of my box which mi had put down on the yard pavement by the pole he having driven up the yard to turn his cart and also what would ultimately become of me when a lady looked out of a bow window where some fowls and joints of meat were hanging up and said is that the little gentleman from yes ma am i said what name the lady ma am i said d y x r of david that won t do returned the lady nobody s dinner is paid for here in that name is it ma am i said if you re master said the why do you go and give another name first i explained to the lady how it was who then rang a bell and called out william show the coffee room upon which a waiter came running out of a kitchen on the opposite side of the yard to show it and seemed a good deal surprised when he found he was only to show it to me it was a large long room with some large maps in it i doubt if i could have felt much stranger if the maps had been real foreign countries and i cast away in the
| 8 |
for it consisted of two dismal words a ith the blowing of the coach horn in the yard was a diversion which made me get up and hesitatingly in the mingled pride and of having a purse which i took out of my pocket if there were anything to pay there s a sheet of letter paper he returned did you ever buy a sheet of letter paper i could not remember that i ever had it s dear he said on account of the duty that s the way we re in this country there s nothing else except the waiter never mind the ink lose by that what should you what should i how much ought i to what would it be right to pay the waiter if you please i stammered blushing if i hadn t a family and that family hadn t the said the waiter i wouldn t take a sixpence if i didn t support a aged and a lovely sister here the waiter was greatly agitated i wouldn t take a if i had a good place and was treated well here i should beg acceptance of a trifle instead of taking of it but i live on broken and i sleep on the coals here the waiter st into tears i was very much concerned for his misfortunes and felt that any recognition short of would be mere and hardness of heart therefore i gave him one of my three bright shillings which he received with much and veneration and spun up with his thumb directly afterwards to try the goodness of it was a little to me to find when i was being helped up behind the coach that i was supposed to have eaten all the dinner without any assistance i discovered this from the lady in the say to the guard take care of that child george or he burst and from observing that the women servants who were about the place came out to look and at me as a young phenomenon my unfortunate friend the waiter who had quite recovered his spirits did not appear to be disturbed by this but joined in the general admiration without being at au confused if i had any doubt of him i suppose this half awakened it but i am inclined to believe that with the simple confidence of a child and the natural reliance of a child upon superior years qualities i am very sorry any children should change for worldly wisdom i had no serious of him on the whole even then i felt it rather hard i must own to be made without deserving it the subject of jokes between the coachman and guard as to the coach drawing heavy behind on account of my sitting there and as to the greater of my travelling by the story of my supposed appetite getting wind among the outside passengers they were upon it likewise and asked me whether i was going to be paid for at school as two brothers or three and whether i was contracted for or went upon the regular terms with other pleasant questions but the worst of it was that i knew i should be ashamed to eat anything when an opportunity offered and that after a rather dinner i should remain hungry e the and experience all lit for i had left my cakes behind at the hotel in my hurry my apprehensions were when we stopped for supper i couldn t muster courage to take any though i should have liked it very much but sat by the fire and said i didn t want anything this did not save me from more jokes either for a gentleman with a rough face who had been eating out of a box nearly all the way except when he had been drinking out of a bottle said i was like a who took enough at one meal to last him a long time after which he actually brought a rash out upon himself with boiled beef we had started from at three o clock in the afternoon and we were due in london about eight next morning it was weather and the evening was very pleasant when we passed through a village i pictured to myself what the of the houses were like and what the inhabitants were about and when boys came running after us and got up behind and swung there for a little way i wondered whether their fathers were alive and whether they were happy at home i had plenty to think of therefore besides my mind running continually on the kind of place i was going to which was an awful speculation sometimes i remember i resigned myself to thoughts of home and and to endeavouring in a confused blind way to recall how i had felt and what sort of boy i used to be before i bit mr which i couldn t satisfy myself about by any means i seemed to have bitten him in such a remote antiquity the night was not so pleasant as the evening for it got chilly and being put between two gentlemen the rough faced one and another to prevent my tumbling off the coach i was nearly smothered by their falling asleep and completely me up they squeezed me so hard sometimes that i could not help crying out oh if you please which they didn t like at all because it woke them opposite me was an elderly lady in a great fur cloak who looked in the dark more like a than a lady she was wrapped up to such a degree this lady had a basket with her and she hadn t known what to do with it for a long time until she found that on account of my legs being short it could
| 8 |
go underneath me it cramped and hurt me so that it made me perfectly miserable but if i moved in the least and made a glass that was in the basket rattle against something else as it was sure to do she gave me the with her foot and said come don t you your bones are young enough m sure at last the sun rose and then my companions seemed to sleep easier the under which they had all night and which had found utterance in the most terrific and are not to be conceived as the sun got higher their sleep became and so they gradually one by one awoke i recollect being very much surprised by the everybody made then of not having been to sleep at all and by the uncommon indignation with which every one the charge i labor under the same kind of astonishment to this day having invariably observed that of all human weaknesses the one to which our common nature is the least disposed to confess i cannot imagine why is the weakness of having gone to sleep in a coach what an amazing place london was to me when i saw it in the distance and how i believed all the adventures of all my favorite heroes to be constantly and re there and how i vaguely made it out op david in my own mind to be fuller of wonders and wickedness than all the cities of the earth i need not stop here to relate we approached it by degrees and got in due time to the inn in the district for which we were bound i forget whether it was the blue bull or the blue but i know it was the blue something and that its likeness was painted up on the back of the coach the guard s eye lighted on me as he was getting down and he said at the office door is there anybody here for a in the name of from to be left till called for nobody answered try if you please sir said i looking helplessly down is there anybody here for a in the name of from but to the name of to be left till called for said the guard come is there anybody no there was nobody i looked anxiously but the made no impression on any of the if i except a man in with one eye who suggested that they had better put a brass collar round my neck and tie me up in the stable a ladder was brought and i got down after the lady who was like a not daring to stir until her basket was removed the coach was clear of passengers by that time the luggage was very soon cleared out the horses had been taken out before the luggage and now the coach itself was wheeled and backed off by some out of the way still nobody appeared to claim the dusty from tone more solitary than who had nobody to look at him and see that he was solitary i went into the office and by invitation of the clerk on duty passed behind the counter and sat down on the scale at which they w the luggage here as i sat looking at the and books and the smell of stables ever since associated with that morning a procession of most tremendous considerations began to march through my mind supposing nobody should ever fetch me how long would they consent to keep me there would they keep me long enough to spend seven shillings should i sleep at night in one of those wooden with the other luggage and wash myself at the pump in the yard in the morning or should i be turned out every night and expected to come again to be left till called for when the office opened next day supposing there was no mistake in the case and mr had devised this plan to get rid of me what should i do if they allowed me to remain there until my seven shillings were spent i couldn t hope to remain there when i began to starve that would obviously be inconvenient and unpleasant to the customers besides on the blue whatever it was the risk of funeral expenses if i started off at once and tried to walk back home how could i ever find my way how could i ever hope to walk so far how could i make sure of any one but even if i got back if i found out the nearest proper authorities and offered myself to go for a soldier or a sailor i was such a little fellow that it was most likely they wouldn t take me in these thoughts and a hundred other such thoughts turned me burning hot and made me giddy with apprehension and dismay i was in the height of my fever the personal history and experience when a man entered and whispered to the clerk who presently me the scale and pushed me over to him as if i were weighed bought delivered and paid for as i went out of the office hand in hand with this new acquaintance i stole a look at him he was a gaunt sallow young man with hollow cheeks and a chin almost as black as mr s but there the likeness ended for his whiskers were shaved off and his hair instead of being glossy was rusty and dry he was dressed in a suit of black clothes which were rather rusty and dry too and rather short in the sleeves and legs and he had a white neck on that was not over clean i did not and do not suppose that this neck was all the linen he wore but it was all he showed or gave any hint of you re the new boy he
| 8 |
said yes sir i said i supposed i was i didn t know i m one of the masters at house lie said i made him a bow and felt very much i was so ashamed to allude to a common place thing like my box to a scholar and a master at house that we had gone some little distance from the yard before i had the to mention it we turned back on my humbly that it might be to me hereafter and he told the clerk that the had instructions to call for it at noon if you please sir i said when we had accomplished about the same distance as before is it far it s down by he said is that far sir i asked it s a good step he said we shall go by the stage coach it s about six miles i was so faint and tired that the idea of holding out for six miles more was too much for me i took heart to tell him that i had had nothing all night and that if he would allow me to buy something to eat i should be very much obliged to him he appeared surprised at this i see him stop and look at me now and after considering for a few moments said he wanted to call on an old person who lived not far off and that the best way would be for me to buy some bread or whatever i liked best that was wholesome and make my breakfast at her house where we could get some milk accordingly we looked in at a baker s window and after i had made a series of proposals to buy everything that was in the shop and he had rejected them one by one we decided in favour of a nice loaf of brown bread which cost me then at a s shop we bought an t and a of bacon which still left what i thought a good deal of change out of the second of the bright shillings and made me consider london a very cheap place these provisions laid in we went on through a great noise and uproar that confused my weary head beyond description and over a bridge which no doubt was london bridge indeed i think he told me so but i was half asleep until we came to the poor person s house which was a part of some houses as i knew by their look and by an inscription on a stone over the gate which said they were established for twenty five poor women i f or david the master at house lifted the latch of one of a number of little black doors that were all alike and had each a little diamond window on one side and another little diamond window above and we went into the little house of one of these poor old women who was blowing a fire to make a little boil on seeing the master enter the old woman stopped with the on her knee and said something that i thought sounded like my but on seeing me come in too she got up and rubbing her hands made a confused sort of half can you cook this young gentleman s breakfast for him if you please said the master at house can i said the old woman yes can i sure how s mrs to day said the master looking at another old woman in a large chair by the fire who was such a bundle of clothes that i feel grateful to this hour for not having sat upon her by mistake ah she s poorly said the first old woman it s one of her bad days if the fire was to go out through any accident i verily believe she d go out too and never come to life again as they looked at her i looked at her also although it was a warm day she seemed to think of nothing but the fire i fancied she was jealous even of the on it and i have reason to know that she took its into the service of boiling my egg and my bacon in for i saw her with my own eyes shake her fist at me once when those operations were going on and no one else was looking the sun streamed in at the little window but she sat with her own back and the back of the large chair towards it the fire as if she were keeping it warm instead of it keeping her warm and watching it in a most manner the completion of the preparations for my breakfast by the fire gave her such extreme joy that she laughed aloud and a very laugh she had i must say i sat do n to my brown loaf my egg and my of bacon with a of milk besides and made a most delicious meal while i was yet in the full enjoyment of it the old woman of the house said to the master have you got your with you yes he returned have a blow at it said the old woman ho the master upon this put his hand underneath the skirts of his coat and brought out his in three pieces which he together and began immediately to play my impression is after many years of consideration that there never can have been anybody in the world who played worse he made the most dismal sounds i have ever heard produced by any means natural or artificial i don t know what the tunes were if there were such things in the performance at all which i doubt but the influence of the strain upon me was first to make me think of all my sorrows until i could hardly keep my tears
| 8 |
back then to take away my appetite and lastly to make me so sleepy that i couldn t keep my eyes open they begin to close again and i begin to nod as the recollection rises fresh upon me once more the little room with its open comer cupboard and its square backed chairs and its little staircase leading to the room above and its three s feathers displayed over the i remember wondering when i first went in the would have if ke ul to to des from before me and i nod aad the of tl are i wake a start and tke back and tke master at house is w k h tke old of tke in and ke and au and is no no no no ba id no bnt ke was into flat tke old of tke i o gone and to urn in ta tie tke back of and tke neck stepped for a i was in tke state en and for aa ke t was a real and tke sane old woman ask mis if it wasn t to mn at aj tes and nodded to i am a credit of tke i to been a tke master at fate into tke pieces op aa before and took ne tke near at band got tke roof but i was so dead we stopped on tke road to f r j pat am lai pa w n i and i i food tke at a np a leaves j it and to its n se k i aad door in wall was a board it and a in we were we tke bell by a on tke door being opened to a a a gi tea and tke new boy said oft master ike mi tke wooden ed ne it t take for was not of and locked tke gale n and took out tke key we were op to tke trees ke after my we back and ke was at tke door of a a pair of in ins band here ike s ke yon re been oat mr and can t mr he says an t a l t of boot left and be wonders von expect il w ds ke tke mr a few paces to pick and at was as we went on i red for tke time tke ke on were a good deal worse for wear was oat in one like a bad op david house was a square brick building with wings of a bare and appearance all about it was so very quiet that i said to mr i supposed the boys were out but he seemed surprised at my not knowing that it was holiday time that all the boys were at their several homes that mr the proprietor was down by the sea side with mrs and miss and that i was sent in holiday time as a punishment for my all of which he explained to mc as we went along i gazed upon the into which he took me as the most forlorn and desolate place i had ever seen i see it now a long room with three long rows of and six of forms and all round with for hats and scraps of old and exercises litter the dirty floor some houses made of the same materials are scattered over the two miserable little white left behind by their owner are running up and down in a castle made of and wire looking in all the corners with their red eyes for anything to eat a bird in a cage a very little bigger than himself makes a mournful rattle now and then in on his perch two inches high or dropping from it but neither sings nor there is a strange smell upon the room like sweet apples wanting air and rotten books there could not well be more ink about it if it had been from its first construction and the skies had rained hailed and blown ink through the varying seasons of the year mr having left me while he took his boots up stairs i went softly to the upper end of the room observing all this as i crept along suddenly i came upon a beautifully written which was lying on the desk and bore these words take care of him he i got upon the desk immediately apprehensive of at least a great dog underneath but though i looked all round with anxious eyes i could see nothing of him i was still engaged in peering about when mr came back and asked me what i did up there i beg your pardon sir says i if you please i m looking for the dog dog says he what dog isn t it a dog sir isn t what a dog that s to be taken care of sir that no says he gravely that s not a dog that s a boy my instructions are to put this on your back i am sorry to make such a beginning with you but i must do it with that he took me down and tied the which was neatly constructed for the purpose on my shoulders like a and wherever i went afterwards i had the consolation of carrying it what i from that nobody can imagine whether it was possible for people to see me or not i always fancied that somebody was reading it it was no to turn round and find nobody for wherever my back was there i imagined somebody always to be that cruel man with the wooden leg my he was in authority and if he ever saw me leaning against a tree or a wall or the house he roared out from his lodge door in a the personal history and experience voice you sir you show that conspicuous or i report you
| 8 |
the was a bare yard open to all the back of the house and the offices and i knew that the servants read it and the butcher read it and the baker read it that everybody in a word who came backwards and forwards to the house of a morning when i was ordered to walk there read that i was to be taken care of for i bit i recollect that i positively began to have a dread of myself as a kind of wild boy who did bite there was an old door in this on which the boys had a custom of carving their names it was completely covered with such in my dread of the end of the and their coming back i could not read a boy s name without in what tone and with what emphasis lie would read take care of him he there was one boy a certain j who cut his name very deep and very often who i conceived would read it in a rather strong voice and afterwards pull my hair there was another boy one who i dreaded would make game of it and pretend to be dreadfully frightened of me there was a third george who i fancied would sing it i have looked a little shrinking creature at that door until the owners of all the names there were five and forty of them in the school then mr said seemed to send me to by general and to cry out each in his own way take care of him he it was the same with the places at the and forms it was the same with the groves of deserted i peeped at on my way to and when i was in my own bed i remember dreaming night after night of being with my mother as she used to be or of going to a party at mr s or of travelling outside the stage coach or of dining again with my unfortunate friend the waiter and in all these circumstances making people scream and stare by the unhappy disclosure that i had nothing on but my little night shirt and that in the monotony of my life and in my constant apprehension of the of the school it was such an affliction i had long tasks every day to do with mr but i did them there being no mr and miss here and got through them without disgrace before and after them i walked about as i have mentioned by the man with the wooden leg how vividly i call to mind the damp about the house the green cracked in the com t an old water butt and the trunks of some of the grim trees which seemed to have more in the rain than other trees and to have blown less in the sun at one we dined mr and i at the upper end of a long bare dining room full of deal tables and smelling of fat then we had more tasks until tea which drank out of a blue and i out of a tin pot all day long and until seven or eight in the evening mr at his own detached desk in the worked hard with pen ink ruler books and writing paper making out the bills as i found for last half year when he had put up his things for the night he took out his and blew at it until i almost thought he would gradually blow his whole being into the large hole at the top and away at the keys of david i picture my small self in the dimly lighted rooms sitting with my head upon my hand listening to the performance of mr and to morrow s lessons i picture myself with my books shut up still listening to the performance of mr and listening through it to what used to be at home and to the blowing of the wind on and feeling very sad and solitary i picture myself going up to bed among the unused rooms and sitting on my bed side crying for a comfortable word from i picture myself coming down stairs in the morning and looking through a long ghastly of a staircase window at the school bell hanging on the top of an with a above it and the time when it shall ring j and the rest to work which is only second in my apprehensions to the time when the man with the wooden leg shall the rusty gate to give admission to the awful mr i cannot think i was a very dangerous character in any of these aspects but in all of them i carried the same warning on my back mr never said much to me but he was never harsh to me i suppose we were company to each other without talking i forgot to mention that he would talk to himself sometimes and grin and his fist and grind his teeth and pull his hair in an manner but he had these peculiarities and at first they frightened me though i soon got used to them chapter i my of i had led this life about a month when the man with the wooden leg began to stump about with a and a bucket of water from which i inferred that preparations were making to receive mr and the boys i was not mistaken for the came into the before long and turned out mr and me who lived where we could and got on how we could for some days during which we were always in the way of two or three young women who had rarely shown themselves before and were so continually in the midst of dust that i almost as much as if house had been a great snuff box one day i was informed
| 8 |
by mr that mr would be home that evening in the evening after tea i heard that he was come before bed time i was fetched by the man with the wooden leg to appear before him mr s part of the house was a good deal more comfortable than ours and he had a snug bit of garden that looked pleasant after the dusty which was such a desert in miniature that i thought no one but a or a could have felt at home in it it seemed to me a bold thing even to take notice that the passage looked comfortable as i went on my way trembling to mr s presence which so co the history and abashed me when i was ushered into it that i hardly saw mrs or miss who were both there in the parlor or anything but mr a stout gentleman with a bunch of watch chain and in an arm chair with a and bottle beside him so said mr this is the young gentleman whose teeth are to be filed turn him round the wooden legged man turned me about so as to exhibit the and having afforded time for a full survey of it turned me about again with my face to mr and posted himself at mr s side mr s face was fiery and his eyes small and deep in his head he had thick veins in his forehead a little nose and a large chin he was bald on the top of his head and had some thin wet looking hair that was just turning grey brushed across each temple so that the two sides on his forehead but the circumstance about him which impressed me most was that he had no voice but spoke in a whisper the exertion this cost him or the consciousness of talking in that feeble made his face so much more angry and his thick veins so much thicker when he spoke that i am not surprised on looking back at this peculiarity striking me as his chief one now said mr what s the report of this boy there s nothing against hun yet returned the man with the wooden leg there has been no opportunity i thought mr w as disappointed i thought mrs and miss at whom i now glanced for the first time and who were both thin and quiet were not disappointed come here sir said mr to me come here said the man with the wooden leg repeating the gesture i have the happiness of knowing your father in law whispered mr taking me by the ear and a worthy man he is and a man of a strong character he knows me and i know him do you know me hey said mi my ear with ferocious not yet sir i said with the pain not yet hey repeated mr but you will soon hey you will soon hey repeated the man with the wooden leg i afterwards found that he generally acted witli his strong voice as mr s to the boys i was very much frightened and said i hoped so if he pleased i felt all this while as if my ear were blazing he pinched it so hard i tell you what i am whispered mr letting it go at last with a screw at parting that brought the water into my eyes i m a a said the man with the wooden leg when i say i do a thing i do it said ir and when i say i will have a thing done i will have it done will have a thing done i will have it done repeated the man with the wooden leg i am a determined character said mr that s what i am i do my duty that s what do my flesh and blood he of david looked at mrs as he said this when it rises against me is not my flesh and blood i it has that fellow to the man with the wooden leg been here again no was the answer no said mr he knows better he knows me let keep away i say let him keep away said mr striking his hand upon the table and looking at mrs for he knows me now you have begun to know me too my young friend and you may go take him away i was very glad to be ordered away for mrs and miss were both wiping their eyes and i felt as uncomfortable for them as i did for myself but i had a petition on my mind which concerned me so nearly that i couldn t help saying though i wondered at my own courage if you please sir mr whispered what s this and bent his eyes upon me as if he would have burnt me up with them if you please sir i faltered if i might be allowed i am very sorry indeed sir for what i did to take this writing off before the boys come back whether mr was in earnest or whether he only did it to frighten me i don t know but he made a burst out of his chair before which i retreated without waiting for the escort of the man with the wooden leg and never once stopped until i reached my own bedroom where finding i was not pursued i went to bed as it was time and lay for a couple of hours next morning mr sharp came back mr sharp was the first master and superior to mi mr took his meals with the boys but mr sharp dined and at mr s table he was a limp delicate looking gentleman i thought with a good deal of nose and a way of carrying his head on one side as if it were a little
| 8 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.