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said i he was so composed that i fancied he must have some other meaning o dear yes i mean it replied it was an unfortunate but he didn t like me at all he said i wasn t at all what he expected and so he married his housekeeper and what did you do i asked i didn t do anything in particular said i lived with them waiting to be put out in the world until his unfortunately flew to his stomach and so he died and so she married a young man and so i wasn t provided for of david did you get nothing after all oh dear yes said i got fifty pounds i had never been brought up to any profession and at first i was at a loss what to do for myself however i began with the assistance of the son of a professional man who had been to house with his nose on one side do you recollect him no he had not been there with me all the noses were straight in my day it don t matter said i began by means of his assistance to copy law writings that didn t answer very well and then i began to state cases for them and make and do that sort of work for i am a kind of fellow and had learnt the way of doing such things well that put it in my head to enter myself as a law student and that ran away with all that was left of the fifty pounds recommended me to one or two other offices however mr s for one and i got a good many i was fortunate enough too to become acquainted with a person in the way who was getting up an and he set me to work and indeed glancing at his table i am at work for him at this minute i am not a bad said preserving the same air of cheerful confidence in all he said but i have no invention at all not a i suppose there never was a young man with less originality than i have as seemed to expect that i should assent to this as a matter of course i nodded and he went on with the same patience i can find no better expression as before so by little and little and not living high t managed to scrape up the hundred pounds at last said and thank heaven that s paid though it was though it certainly was said again as if he had had another tooth out a pull i am living by the sort of work i have mentioned still and i hope one of these days to get connected with some newspaper which would almost be the making of my fortune now you are so exactly what you used to be with that agreeable face and it s so pleasant to see you that i sha n t conceal anything therefore you must know that i am engaged engaged oh she is a s daughter said one of ten down in yes for he saw me glance involuntarily at the prospect on the that s the church you come round here to the left out of this gate tracing his finger along the and exactly where i hold this pen there stands the facing you understand towards the church the delight with which he entered into these particulars did not fully present itself to me until afterwards for my selfish thoughts were making a ground plan of mr s house and garden at the same moment she is such a dear girl said a little older than me but the dearest girl i told you i was going out of town i have been down there i walked there and i walked back and i had the most delightful time i dare say ours is likely to be a rather long engagement but our motto is wait and hope we always say that wait and hope the personal history and experience we always say and she would wait till she was sixty any age you can mention for me dies rose from his chair and with a triumphant smile put his hand upon the white cloth i had observed however he said it s not that we haven t made a beginning towards housekeeping no no we have begun we must get on by degrees but we have begun here drawing the cloth off with great pride and care are two pieces of furniture to commence with this flower pot and stand she bought herself you put that in a said falling a little back from it to survey it with the greater admiration with a plant in it and and there you are this little round table with the marble top it s two feet ten in bought you want to lay a book down you know or somebody comes to see you or your wife and wants a place to stand a cup of tea upon and and there you are again said it s an admirable piece of firm as a rock i praised them both highly and replaced the covering as carefully as he had removed it it s not a great deal towards the furnishing said but it s something the table and pillow cases and articles of that kind are what me most so does the candle boxes and and that sort of necessaries because those things tell and mount up however wait and hope and i assure you she s the dearest girl quite certain of it said i in the mean time said coming back to his chair and this is the end of my about myself i get on as well as i can i don t make much but
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i don t spend much in general i board with the people down stairs who are very agreeable people indeed both mr and mrs have seen a good deal of life and are excellent company my dear i quickly exclaimed what are you talking about f looked at me as if he wondered what was talking about mr and mrs i repeated why i am intimately acquainted with them an double knock at the door which i knew well from old experience in terrace and which nobody but mr could ever have knocked at that door resolved any doubt in my mind as to their being my old friends i begged to ask his landlord to walk up accordingly did so over the and mr not a bit changed his his stick his shirt and his eye glass all the same as ever came into the room with a genteel and youthful air i beg your pardon mr said mr with the old roll in his voice as he checked himself in humming a soft tune i was not aware that there was any individual alien to this in your mr slightly bowed to me and pulled up his shirt collar how do you do mr said i sir said mr you are exceedingly obliging i am mi of david and mrs i pursued sir said mr she is also thank god in and the children mr sir said mr i rejoice to reply that they are likewise in the enjoyment of all this time mr had not known me in the least though he had stood face to face with me but now seeing me smile he examined my features with more attention fell back cried is it possible have i tlie pleasure of again beholding and shook me by both hands with the utmost good heaven mr said mr to think that i should find you acquainted with the friend of my youth the companion of earlier days my dear calling over the to mrs while looked with reason not a little amazed at tliis description of me here is a gentleman in mr s apartment whom he wishes to have the pleasure of presenting to you my love mr immediately reappeared and shook hands with me again and how is our good friend the doctor said mr and all the circle at i have none but good accounts of them said i i am most delighted to hear it said mr it was at where we last met within the shadow i may say of that religious edifice by which was the resort of from the remotest corners of in short said mr in the immediate neighbourhood of the cathedral i replied that it was mr continued talking as as he could but not i thought without showing by some marks of concern in his countenance that he was sensible of sounds in the next room as of mrs washing her hands and hm opening and shutting draw ers that were uneasy in their action you find us said mr with one eye on at present established on what may be as a small and scale but you are aware that i have in the course of my career surmounted difficulties and conquered obstacles you are no stranger to the fact that there have been periods of my life when it has been requisite that i should pause until certain expected events should turn up when it has been necessary that i should fall back before making what i trust i shall not be accused of presumption in a spring the present is one of those momentous stages in the life of man you find me fallen back for a spring and i have every reason to believe that a vigorous leap will shortly be the result i was expressing my satisfaction when mrs came in a little more than she used to be or so she seemed now to my eyes but still with some preparation of herself for company and with a pair of brown gloves on my dear said mr leading her towards me here is a gentleman of the name of who wishes to renew his acquaintance with you it would have been better as it turned out to have led gently up to his announcement for mrs being in a delicate state of health the personal history and experience was overcome by it and was taken so that mr was obliged in great to run down to the water butt in the back yard and draw a to lave her brow with she presently revived however and was really pleased to see me we had half s talk all together and i asked her about the who she said were grown great creatures and after master and miss whom she described as absolute giants but they were not produced on that occasion mr was very anxious that i should stay to dinner i should not have been averse to do so but that i imagined i detected trouble and calculation relative to the extent of the cold meat in mrs s eye i therefore pleaded another engagement and observing that mrs s spirits were immediately lightened i resisted all persuasion to forego it but i told and mr and mrs that before i could think of leaving they must a day when they would come and dine with me the occupations to which stood pledged rendered it necessary to fix a somewhat distant one but an appointment was made for the purpose that suited us all and then i took ray leave mr under pretence of showing me a nearer way than that by which i had come accompanied me to the corner of the street being anxious he explained to me to say a few words to an old friend in confidence my dear said mr i need hardly tell you that to have beneath our
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roof under existing circumstances a mind like that which if i may be allowed the expression which in your friend is an unspeakable comfort with a who hard for sale in her parlor window dwelling next door and a bow street officer over the way you may imagine that his society is a source of consolation to myself and to mrs i am at present my dear engaged in the sale of corn upon commission it is not an of a description in words it does not pay and some temporary of a pecuniary nature have been the consequence i am however delighted to add that i have now an immediate prospect of something turning up i am not at liberty to say in what direction which i trust will enable me to provide permanently both for myself and for your friend in whom i have an interest you may perhaps be prepared to hear that mrs is in a state of health which renders it not wholly improbable that an addition may be ultimately made to those of affection which in short to the group mrs s family have been so good as to express their dissatisfaction with this state of things i have merely to observe that i am not aware it is any business of theirs and that i that exhibition of feeling with scorn and with defiance mr then shook hands with me again and left me of david chapter mr s until the day arrived on which i was to entertain my newly found old friends i lived principally on and coffee in my love condition my appetite and i was glad of it for i felt as though it would have been an act of towards to have a natural relish for my dinner the quantity of walking exercise i took was not in this respect attended with its usual consequence as the disappointment the fresh air i have my doubts too founded on the acute experience acquired at this period of my life whether a sound enjoyment of animal food can develop itself freely in any human subject who is always in torment from tight boots i think the require to be at peace before the stomach will conduct itself with vigour on the occasion of this domestic little party did not repeat my former extensive preparations i merely provided a pair of a small leg of mutton and a pigeon pie mrs broke out into rebellion on my first hint in reference to the cooking of the fish and joint and said with a dignified sense of injury no no sir you not ask me a thing for you are better acquainted with me than to suppose me capable of doing what i cannot do with satisfaction to my own feelings but in the end a compromise was and mrs consented to achieve this feat on condition that i dined from home for a fortnight afterwards and here i may remark that what i from mrs in consequence of the tyranny she established over me was dreadful i never was so much afraid of any one we made a compromise of everything if i hesitated she was taken with that wonderful disorder which was always lying in in her system ready at the shortest notice to prey upon her if i rang the bell impatiently after half a dozen modest and she appeared at last which was not by any means to be relied upon she would appear with a aspect sink breathless on a chair near the door lay her hand upon her bosom and become so ill that i was glad at any sacrifice of brandy or anything else to get rid of her if i objected to having my bed made at five o clock in the afternoon w hich i do still think an uncomfortable arrangement one motion of her hand towards the same region of wounded sensibility was enough to make me an apology in short i would have done anything in an honorable way rather than give mrs offence and she was the terror of my life i bought a second hand dumb waiter for this dinner party in preference to re engaging the handy young man against whom i had conceived a prejudice in consequence of meeting him in the strand one sunday morning in a waistcoat remarkably like one of mine which had been a o the personal history and experience ing since the former occasion the young was re engaged but on the that she should only bring in the dishes and then withdraw to the landing place beyond the outer door where a habit of she had contracted would be lost upon the guests and where her retiring on the plates would be a physical impossibility having laid in the materials for a bowl of punch to be by mr having provided a bottle of water two wax candles a paper of mixed pins and a to assist mrs in her at my dressing table having also caused the fire in my bed room to be lighted for mrs s convenience and having laid the cloth with my own hands i awaited the result with composure at the appointed time my three visitors arrived together mr with more shirt collar than usual and a new ribbon to his eye glass mrs with her cap in a brown paper parcel carrying the parcel and supporting mrs on his arm they were all delighted with my residence when i conducted mrs to my dressing table and she saw the scale on which it was prepared for her she was in such that she called mr to come in and look my dear said mr this is luxurious this is a way of life which reminds me of the period when i was myself in a state of and mrs had not yet been to
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plight her faith at the altar he means by him mr said mrs he cannot answer for others my dear returned mr with sudden seriousness i have no desire to answer for others i am too weu aware that when in the inscrutable of you were reserved for me it is possible you may have been reserved for one destined after a protracted struggle at length to fall a victim to pecuniary of a complicated nature i understand your allusion my love i regret it but i can bear it exclaimed mrs in tears have i deserved this i who never have deserted you who never will desert you my love said mr much you win forgive and our old and tried friend wiu i am sure forgive the momentary of a wounded spirit made sensitive by a recent collision with the of power in other words with a attached to the water works and will pity not condemn its mr then embraced mrs and pressed my hand leaving me to infer from this broken allusion that his domestic supply of water had been cut off that afternoon in consequence of in the payment of the company s to divert his thoughts from this melancholy subject i informed mr that i relied upon him for a bowl of punch and led him to the his recent despondency not to say despair was gone in a moment i never saw a man so thoroughly enjoy himself amid the fragrance of and sugar the of burning rum and the steam of boiling water as mr did that afternoon it was of david wonderful to see his face at us out of a thin cloud of these delicate as he stirred and mixed and tasted and looked as if he were making instead of punch a fortune for his family down to the latest posterity as to mrs i don t know whether it was the effect of the cap or the water or the pins or the fire or the wax candles but she came out of my room comparatively speaking lovely and the lark was never than that excellent woman i suppose i never ventured to inquire but i suppose that mrs after the was taken ill because we broke down at that point the leg of mutton came up very red within and very pale without besides having a foreign substance of a nature sprinkled over it as if it had had a fall into the ashes of that remarkable kitchen fire place but we were not in a condition to judge of this fact from the appearance of the as the young had dropped it all upon the stairs where it remained by the by in a long train until it was worn out the pigeon pie was not bad but it was a pie the crust being like a head speaking full of and with nothing particular underneath in short the banquet was such a failure that i should have been quite unhappy about the failure i mean for i was always unhappy about if i had not been relieved by the great good humour of my company and by a bright suggestion from mr my dear friend said mr accidents will occur in the best regulated families and in families not regulated by that influence which while it the a i would say in short by the influence of woman in the lofty character of wife they may be expected with confidence and must be borne with philosophy if you will allow me to take the liberty of remarking that there are few better in their way than a devil and that i believe with a little division of labor we could accomplish a good one if the young person in attendance could produce a i would put it to you that this little misfortune may be easily repaired there was a in the on which my morning of bacon was cooked we had it in in a twinkling and immediately applied ourselves to carrying mr s idea into effect the division of labor to which he had referred was this cut the mutton into mr who could do anything of this sort to perfection covered them with salt and i put them on the turned them with a fork and took them off under mr s directions and mrs heated and continually stirred some in a little when we had enough done to begin upon we fell to with our sleeves still tucked up at the wrists more and blazing on the fire and our attention divided between the mutton on our plates and the mutton then preparing what with the novelty of this the excellence of it the bustle of it the frequent starting up to look after it the frequent sitting down to dispose of it as the crisp came off the hot and hot the being so busy so flushed with the fire so amused and in the midst of such a tempting noise and we reduced the leg of mutton to the bone my own appetite came back i am ashamed to u the personal history and experience record it but i really believe i forgot for a little while i am satisfied that ml and mrs could not have enjoyed the feast more if they had sold a bed to provide it laughed as heartily almost the whole time as he ate and worked indeed we all did all at once and i dare say there never was a greater success we were at the height of our enjoyment and were all busily engaged in our several endeavouring to bring the last of to a state of perfection that should crown the feast when i was aware of a strange presence in the room and my eyes encountered those of the staid standing hat in hand before me what s
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the matter i involuntarily asked i beg your pardon sir i was directed to come in is my master not here sir no have you not seen him sir no don t you come from him not immediately so sir did he teu you you would find him here not exactly so sir but i should think he might be here to morrow as he has not been here to day is he coming up from oxford i beg he returned respectfully that you will be seated and allow me to do this with which he took the fork from my hand and bent over the as if his whole attention were concentrated on it we should not have been much i dare say by the appearance of himself but we became in a moment the of the meek before his respectable serving man mr humming a tune to show that he was quite at ease subsided into his chair with the handle of a hastily concealed fork sticking out of the bosom of his coat as if he had himself mrs put on her brown gloves and assumed a genteel languor ran his greasy hands through his hair and stood it bolt upright and stared in confusion at the table cloth as for me i was a mere infant at the head of my own table and hardly ventured to glance at the respectable phenomenon who had come from heaven knows where to put my establishment to rights meanwhile he took the mutton ofi the and gravely handed it round we all took some but our appreciation of it was gone and we merely made a show of eating it as we pushed away our plates he noiselessly removed them and set on the cheese he took that oft too when it was done with cleared the table piled everything on the dumb waiter gave us our wine glasses and of his own accord wheeled the dumb waiter into the all this was done in a perfect manner and he never raised his eyes from what he was about yet his very elbows when he had his back towards me seemed to with the expression of his fixed opinion that i was extremely young can i do anything more sir i thanked him and said no but would he take no dinner himself none i am obliged to you sir is mr coming from oxford i of david i beg your pardon sir is mr coming from oxford i should imagine that he might be here to morrow sir i rather thought he might have been here to day sir the mistake is mine no doubt sir if you should see him first said i if you excuse me sir i don t think i shall see him first in case you do said i pray say that i am sorry he was not here to day as an old of his was here indeed sir and he divided a bow between me and with a glance at the latter he was moving softly to the door when in a forlorn hope of saying something naturally which i never could to this man i said oh sir did you remain long at that time not particularly so sir you saw the boat completed yes sir i remained behind on purpose to see the boat completed i know he raised his eyes to mine respectfully mr has not seen it yet i suppose i really can t say sir i think but i really can t say sir i wish you good night sir he comprehended everybody present in the respectful bow with which he followed these words and disappeared my visitors seemed to breathe more freely when he was gone but my own relief was very great for besides the arising from that extraordinary sense of being at a disadvantage which i always had in this man s presence my conscience had embarrassed me with whispers that i had his master and i could not repress a vague uneasy dread that he might find it out how was it having so little in reality to conceal that i always did feel as if this man were finding me out mr roused me from this reflection which was blended with a certain apprehension of seeing himself by many on the absent as a most respectable fellow and a thoroughly admirable servant mr i may remark had taken his full share of the general bow and had received it with infinite condescension but punch my dear said mr it like time and tide waits for no man ah it is at the present moment in high flavor my love will you give me your opinion mrs pronounced it excellent then i will drink said mr if my friend will permit me to take that social liberty to the days when my friend and myself were younger and fought our way in the world side by side i may say of myself and in words we have sung together before now that we run about the bi and d the fine the personal history and experience in a point of view on several occasions i am not exactly aware said mr with the old roll in his voice and the old indescribable air of saying something genteel what go may be but i have no doubt that and myself would frequently have taken a pull at them if it had been mr at the then present moment took a pull at his punch so we all did evidently lost in wondering at what distant time mr and i could possibly have been comrades in the battle of the world said mr clearing his thi oat and warming with the punch and with the fire my dear another glass mrs said it must be very little but we couldn t allow that so it was a as
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we are quite confidential here mr said mrs her punch mr being a part of our i should much like to have your opinion on mr s prospects for corn said mrs as i have repeatedly said to mr may be gentlemanly but it is not commission to the extent of two and in a fortnight cannot however limited our ideas be considered we were all agreed upon that then said mrs who herself on taking a clear view of things and keeping mr straight by her woman s wisdom when he might otherwise go a little crooked then i ask myself this question if corn is not to be relied upon what is are coals to be relied upon not at all we have turned our attention to that experiment on the suggestion of my family and we find it mr leaning back in ms chair witli his hands in his pockets eyed us aside and nodded his head as much as to say that the case was very clearly put the articles of corn and coals said mrs still more being equally out of the question mr i naturally look round the world and say what is there in which a person of mr s talent is likely to succeed and i the doing anything on commission because commission is not a certainty what is best suited to a person of mr s peculiar temperament is i am convinced a certainty and i both expressed by a feeling murmur that this great discovery was no doubt true of mr and that it did him much credit i will not conceal from you my dear mr said mrs that have long felt the business to be particularly adapted to mr look at and look at and it is on that extensive footing that mr i know from my own knowledge of him is calculated to shine and the profits i am told are c but if mr cannot get into those which decline to answer his letters when he ofl ers his services even in an inferior capacity what is the use of dwelling upon that idea none i may have a conviction that mr s manners oe david hem my dear interposed mr my love be silent said mrs laying her brown glove on his hand i may have a conviction mr that mr s manners peculiarly him for the business i may argue within myself that if had a deposit at a house the manners of mr as representing that house would inspire confidence and must extend the but if the various houses refuse to avail themselves of mr s abilities or receive the offer of them with what is the use of dwelling upon tliat idea none as to a business i may know that there are of my family who if they chose to place their money in mr s hands might found an establishment of that description but if they do not choose to place their money in mr s hands which they don t what is the use of that again i contend that we are no farther advanced than we were before i shook my head and said not a bit also shook his head and said not a bit what do i from this mrs went on to say still with the same air of putting a case what is the conclusion my dear mr to which i am irresistibly brought am i wrong in saying it is clear that we must live i answered not at all and answered not at all and i found myself afterwards adding alone that a person must either live or die just so returned mrs it is precisely that and the fact is my dear mr that we can not live without something widely different from existing circumstances shortly turning up now i am convinced myself and this i have pointed out to mr several times of late that things cannot be expected to turn up of themselves we must in a measure assist to turn them up i may be wrong but i have formed that opinion both and i applauded it highly very well said mrs then what do i recommend here is mr with a variety of with great talent my love said mr pray my dear allow me to conclude here is mr with a variety of with great talent should say with genius but that may be the partiality of a wife and i both murmured no and here is mr without any suitable position or employment where does that responsibility rest clearly on society then i would make a fact so disgraceful known and boldly challenge society to set it right it appears to me my dear mr said mrs forcibly that what mr has to do is to throw down the to society and say in effect show me who will take that up let the party immediately step forward i ventured to ask mrs how this was to be done by said mrs in all the papers it appears to me that what mr has to do in justice to himself in justice the personal history and experience to his family and i will even go so far as to say in justice to society by which he has been hitherto overlooked is to in all the papers to describe himself plainly as so and so with such and such and to put it thus now employ me on terms and address post paid t jf m post office town this idea of mrs s my dear said mr making his shirt collar meet in front of his chin and glancing at me sideways is in fact the leap to which i alluded when i last had the pleasure of seeing you is rather expensive i remarked exactly so said mrs preserving the same logical
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air quite true my dear mr i have made the identical observation to mr it is for that reason especially that think mr ought as i have already said in justice to himself in justice to his and in justice to society to raise a certain sum of money on mr leaning back in his chair with his eye glass and cast his eyes up at the ceiling but i thought him observant of too who was looking at the fire if no member of my family said mrs is possessed of sufficient natural feeling to that bill i believe there is a better business term to express what i mean mr with his eyes still cast up at the ceiling suggested to that bill said mrs then my opinion is that mr should go into the city should take that bill into the money market and should dispose of it for what he can get if the individuals in the money market oblige mr to sustain a great sacrifice that is between themselves and their i view it steadily as an i recommend mr my dear mr to do the same to regard it as an which is sure of return and to make up his mind to any sacrifice i felt but i am sure i don t know why that this was self denying and devoted in mrs and i uttered a murmur to that effect who took his tone from me did likewise still looking at the fire i wiu not said mrs finishing her punch and gathering her about her shoulders preparatory to her to my bedroom i will not these remarks on the subject of i ir s pecuniary affairs at your fireside my dear mr and in the presence of mr who though not so old a friend is quite one of ourselves i could not refrain from making you acquainted with the course advise mr to take i feel that the time is arrived when mr should exert himself and i will add assert himself and it appears to me that these are the means i am aware that i am merely a female and that a masculine judgment is usually considered more competent to the discussion of such questions still i must not forget that when i lived at home with my papa and my papa was in the habit of saying s form is fragile but her grasp of a subject is inferior to none that my papa was too partial i well know but that he was an observer of character in some degree my duty and my reason equally forbid me to doubt of david with these words and resisting our entreaties that she would grace the remaining circulation of the punch with her presence mrs retired to my bed room and really i felt that she was a noble woman the sort of woman who might have been a matron and done all manner of heroic things in times of public trouble in the of this impression i congratulated mr on the treasure he possessed so did mr extended his hand to each of us in succession and then covered his face with his which i think had more snuff upon it than he was aware of he then returned to the punch in the highest state of he was full of eloquence he gave us to understand that in our children we lived again and that under the pressure of pecuniary difficulties any accession to their number was doubly welcome he said that mrs had had her doubts on this point but that he had them and reassured her as to her family they were totally unworthy of her and their sentiments were utterly indifferent to him and they might i quote his own expression go to the devil mr then delivered a warm on he said s was a character to the steady virtues of which he mr could lay no claim but which he thanked heaven he could admire he alluded to the young lady unknown whom had honored with his affection and who had that affection by and blessing with lier affection mr pledged her so did i thanked us both by saying with a simplicity and honesty i had sense enough to be quite charmed with i am very much obliged to you indeed and i do assure you she s the dearest girl mr took an early opportunity after that of with the utmost delicacy and ceremony at the state of my affections nothing but the serious assurance of his friend to the contrary he observed could deprive him of the impression that his friend loved and was beloved after feeling very hot and uncomfortable for some time and after a good deal of blushing and denying i said having my glass in my hand well i w ould give them d which so excited and gratified mr that he ran with a glass of punch into my bed room in order that mrs might drink d who drank it with enthusiasm crying from within in a shrill voice hear hear my dear mr i am delighted hear and tapping at the wall by way of applause our conversation afterwards took a more worldly turn mr telling us that he found town inconvenient and that the first thing he contemplated doing when the advertisement should have been the cause of something satisfactory turning up was to move he mentioned a terrace at the western end of oxford street park on which he had always had his eye but which he did not expect to attain immediately as it would require a large establishment there would probably be an interval he explained in which he should content himself with the upper part of a house over some respectable place of business say in which would be a cheerful situation for
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mrs and where by throwing out a bow window or carrying up the roof another story or making some little alteration of that sort they might the personal history and experience live comfortably and for a few years whatever was reserved for liim he expressly said or wherever his abode might be we might rely on this there would always be a room for and a knife and fork for me we acknowledged his kindness and he begged us to forgive his having launched into these practical and business like details and to excuse it as natural in one who was making entirely new arrangements in life mrs tapping at the wall again to know if tea were ready broke up tliis particular phase of our friendly conversation she made tea for us in a most agreeable and whenever i went near her in handing about the tea cups and bread and butter asked me in a whisper whether d was fan or dark or whether she was short or tall or something of that kind which i think i liked after tea we discussed a variety of topics before the fire and mrs was good enough to sing us in a small thin flat voice which i remember to have considered when i first knew her the very table beer of the favorite of the dashing white and little for both of these songs mrs had been famous when she lived at home with her papa and mr told us that when he heard her sing the first one on the first occasion of his seeing her beneath the parental roof she had attracted his attention in an extraordinary degree but that when it came to little he had resolved to win that woman or perish in the attempt it was between ten and eleven o clock when mrs rose to replace her cap in the brown paper parcel and to put on her bonnet mr took the opportunity of putting on his great coat to slip a letter into my hand with a whispered request that i would read it at my leisure i also took the opportunity of my holding a candle over the to light them down when mr was going first leading mrs and was following with the cap to detain for a moment on the top of the stairs said i mr don t mean any harm poor fellow but if i were you i wouldn t lend him anything my dear ned smiling i haven t got anything to lend you have got a name you know said i oh you call that something to lend returned with a thoughtful look certainly oh said yes to be sure i am very much obliged to you but i am afraid i have lent him that already for the bill that is to be a certain i ed no said not for that one this is the first i have heard of that one i have been thinking that lie will most likely propose that one on the way home mine s another i hope there will be nothing wrong about it said l i hope not said i should think not though because he told me only the other day that it was provided for that was mr s expression provided mr looking up at this juncture to where we were standing i of david had only time to repeat my caution thanked me and descended but i was much afraid when i observed the good natured manner in which he went down with the cap in his hand and gave mrs his arm that he would be carried into the money market neck and heels i returned to my fireside and was musing half gravely and half laughing on the character of mr and the old relations between us when i heard a quick step ascending the stairs at first i thought it was coming back for something mrs had left behind but as the step approached i knew it and felt my heart beat high and the blood rush to my face for it was s i was never of and she never left that in my thoughts if i may call it so where i had placed her from the first but when he entered and stood before me with his hand out the darkness that had fallen on him changed to light and i felt confounded and ashamed of having doubted one i loved so heartily i loved her none the less i thought of her as the same gentle angel in my life i reproached myself not her with having done him an injury and i would have made him any if i had known what to make and how to make it why old boy dumb laughed shaking my hand heartily and throwing it gaily away have i detected you in another feast you these doctors fellows are the men in town i believe and beat us sober oxford people all to nothing his bright glance went merrily round the room as he took the seat on the sofa opposite to me which mrs had recently and stirred the fire into a blaze i was so surprised at first said i giving him welcome with all the cordiality i felt that i had hardly breath to greet you with well the sight of me is good for sore eyes as the scotch say replied and so is the sight of you in full bloom how are you my i am very well said i and not at all to night though i confess to another party of three all of whom i met in the street talking loud in your praise returned who s our friend in the i gave him the best idea i could in a few words of mr he laughed heartily at my feeble portrait of that gentleman and said
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he was a man to know and he must know him but who do you suppose our other friend is said i in my turn heaven knows said not a bore i hope i thought he looked a little like one i replied triumphantly who s he asked in his careless way don t you remember in our room at house oh that said beating a lump of coal on the top of the fire with the is he as soft as ever and where the deuce did you pick him up i in reply as highly as i could for i felt that rather him the subject with a light the personal history and experience nod and a smile and the remark that he would be glad to see the old fellow too for he had always been an odd fish inquired if i could give him anything to eat during most of this short dialogue when he had not been speaking in a wild manner he had sat idly beating on the lump of coal with the i observed that he did the same thing while i was getting out the remains of the pigeon pie and so forth why here s a supper for a king he exclaimed starting out of his silence with a burst and taking his seat at the table i shall do it justice for i have come from i thought you came from oxford i returned not i said i have been better employed day to inquire for you i remarked and i understood him that you were at oxford though now i think of it he certainly did not say so is a greater fool than i thought him to have been inquiring for me at all said pouring out a glass of wine and drinking to me as to understanding him you are a fellow than most of us if you can do that that s true indeed said t moving my chair to the table so you have been at interested to know all about it have you been there long no he returned an of a week or so and how are they all of course little is not married yet not yet going to be i believe in so many weeks or months or something or other i have not seen much of em by the by he laid down his knife and fork which he had been using with great diligence and began feeling in his pockets i have a letter for you from whom why from your old nurse he returned taking some papers out of his breast pocket j to the willing mind that s not it patience and we find it presently old what name s in a bad way and it s about that i believe do you mean yes still feeling in his pockets and looking over their contents it s all over with poor i am afraid i saw a little there surgeon or whatever he is brought your worship into the world he was mighty learned about the case to me but the of his opinion was that the was making his last journey rather fast put your hand into the breast pocket of my gi eat coat on the chair yonder and i think you find the letter is it there here it is said i that s right it was from something less than usual and brief it informed me of her husband s hopeless state and hinted at his being a little nearer than heretofore and consequently more difficult to manage for his own comfort it said nothing of her weariness and watching and praised him highly it was written with a plain unaffected homely piety that i knew to be genuine and ended with my duty to my ever darling meaning myself while i it continued to eat and drink of it s a bad job he said when i had done but the sun sets and people die every minute and we mustn t be scared by the common lot if we failed to hold our own because that equal foot at all men s doors was heard knocking somewhere every object in this world would slip from us no on rough shod if need be smooth shod if that will do but ride on over ail obstacles and win the race and win what race said the race that one has started in said he ride on i noticed i remember as he paused looking at me with his handsome head a little thrown back and his glass raised in his hand that though the freshness of the sea wind was on his face and it was ruddy there were traces in it made since i last saw it as if he had applied himself to some habitual strain of the fervent energy which when roused was so passionately roused within him i had it in my thoughts to with him upon his desperate way of pursuing any fancy that he took such as this of rough seas and of hard weather for example when my mind glanced off to the immediate subject of our conversation again and pursued that instead i tell you what said i if your high spirits will listen to me they are potent spirits and will do whatever you like he answered moving from the table to the fireside again then i tell you what i think i will go down and see my old nurse it is not that i can do her any good or render her any real service but she is so attached to me that my visit will have as much effect on her as if i could do both she will take it so kindly that it will be a comfort and support to her it is no great effort to make i
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am sure for such a friend as she has been to me wouldn t you go a day s journey if you were in my place his face was thoughtful and he sat considering a little before he answered in a low voice well go you can do no harm you have just come back said i and it would be in vain to ask you to go with me quite he returned i am for to night i have not seen my mother this long time and it lies upon my conscience for it s something to be loved as she loves her prodigal son nonsense you mean to go to morrow i suppose he said holding me out at arm s length with a hand on each of my shoulders yes i think so well then don t go till next day i wanted you to come and stay a few days with us here i am on purpose to bid you and you fly off to you are a nice fellow to talk of flying off who are always running wild on some unknown expedition or other he looked at me for a moment without speaking and then rejoined still holding me as before and giving me a shake come say the next day and pass as much of to morrow as you can with us who knows when we may meet again else come say the next day i want you to stand between and me and keep us asunder would you love each other too much without me the personal history and experience yes or hate laughed no matter which come say the next day i said the next day and he put on his great coat and lighted his cigar and set off to walk home finding him in this intention i put on my own great coat but did not light my own cigar having had enough of that for one while and walked with him as far as the open road a dull road then at night he was in great spirits all the way and when we parted and i looked after him going so gallantly and homeward i thought of his saying on over all obstacles and win the race and wished for the first time that he had some worthy race to run i was in my own room when mr s letter tumbled on the floor thus reminded of it i broke the seal and read as follows it was dated an hour and a half before dinner i am not sure whether i have mentioned that when mr was at any particularly desperate crisis he used a sort of legal which he seemed to think equivalent to winding up his affairs sir for i dare not say my dear it is expedient that i should inform you that the is crushed some flickering efforts to spare you the premature knowledge of his position you may observe in him this day but hope has sunk beneath the horizon and the is crushed the present communication is within the personal range i cannot call it the society of an individual in a state closely on employed by a that individual is in legal possession of the premises under a distress for rent his not only the and effects of every description belonging to the as yearly tenant of this habitation but those to mr thomas a member of the honourable society of the inner temple if any drop of gloom were wanting in the overflowing cup which is now commended in the language of an immortal writer to the lips of the it would be found in the fact that a friendly acceptance granted to the by the before mentioned thomas for the sum of is d d is over due and is not provided for also in the fact that the living clinging to the will in the course of nature be increased by the sum of one more helpless victim whose miserable appearance may be looked for in round numbers at the of a period not exceeding six months from the present date after thus much it would be a work of to add that dust and ashes are for ever scattered on the head of poor i knew enough of mr by this time to foresee that he might be expected to recover the blow but my night s rest was sorely distressed by thoughts of and of the s daughter who was one of ten down in and who was such a dear girl and who would wait for ominous praise until she was sixty or any age that could be mentioned op david i visit at his home again i mentioned to ml in tlie morning tliat i wanted leave of absence for a short time and as i was not in the receipt of any salary and consequently was not to the there was no difficulty about it i took that opportunity with my voice sticking in my throat and my sight failing as i uttered the words to express my hope that miss was quite weu to which mr replied with no more emotion than if he had been speaking of an ordinary human being that he was much obliged to me and she was very well we clerks as of the order of were treated with so much consideration that i was almost my own master at all times as i did not care however to get to before one or two o clock in the day and as we had another little case in court that morning which was called the office of the judge promoted by against for his soul s i passed an hour or two in attendance on it with mr very agreeably it arose out of a between two one of whom was alleged to have the other against a
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pump the handle of which pump projecting into a school house which school house was under a of the made the push an offence it was an amusing case and sent me up to on the box of the stage coach thinking about the and what mr had said about touching the and bringing down the country mrs was pleased to see me and so was i was agreeably surprised to find that was not there and that we were attended by a modest little parlor maid with blue ribbons in her cap whose eye it was much more pleasant and much less to catch by accident than the eye of that respectable man but what i particularly observed before i had been half an hour in the house was the close and attentive watch miss kept upon me and the lurking manner in which she seemed to compare my face with s and s with mine and to lie in wait for something to come out between the two so surely as i looked towards her did i see that eager with its gaunt black eyes and searching brow intent on mine or passing suddenly from mine to s or both of us at once in this like scrutiny she was so far from faltering when she saw i observed it that at such a time she only fixed her piercing look upon me with a more intent expression still as i was and knew that i was in reference to any wrong she could possibly suspect me of i shrunk before her strange eyes quite unable to endure their hungry lustre all day she seemed to the whole house if i talked to the personal history and experience in his room i heard her dress rustle in the little gallery outside when he and i engaged in some of our old exercises on the lawn behind the house i saw her face pass from window to window like a wandering light until it fixed itself in one and watched us when we all four went out walking in the afternoon she closed her thin hand on my arm like a spring to keep me back while and his mother went on out of hearing and then spoke to me you have been a long time she said without coming here is your profession really so engaging and interesting as to your whole attention i ask because i always want to be informed when i am ignorant is it really though i replied that i liked it well enough but that i certainly could not claim so much for it oh i am glad to know that because i always like to be put right when i am wrong said you mean it is a little dry perhaps well i replied perhaps it was a little dry oh and that s a reason why you want relief and change excitement and all that said she ah very true but isn t it a little eh for him i don t mean you a quick glance of her eye towards the spot where was walking with his mother leaning on his arm showed me whom she meant but beyond that i was quite lost and i looked so i have no doubt don t it i don t say that it does mind i want to know don t it rather him don t it make him perhaps a little more than usual in his visits to his blindly eh with another quick glance at them and such a glance at me as seemed to look into my thoughts miss i returned pray do not think i don t she said oh dear me don t suppose that i think anything i am not suspicious i only ask a question i don t state any opinion i want to found an opinion on what you tell me then it s not so well i am very glad to know it it certainly is not the fact said i perplexed that i am for s having been away from home longer than usual if he has been which i really don t know at this moment unless i understand it from you i have not seen him this long while until last night no indeed miss no as she looked full at me i saw her face grow and paler and the marks of the old wound out until it cut through the lip and deep into the lip and down the face there was something positively awful to me in this and in the brightness of her eyes as she said looking at me what is he doing i repeated the words more to myself than her being so amazed what is he doing she said with an eagerness that seemed enough to her like a fire in what is that man assisting him who never looks at me without an inscrutable falsehood in his eyes if you are honorable and faithful i don t ask you to betray your friend i ask of david you only to tell me is it anger is it hatred is it pride is it restlessness is it some wild fancy is it love what is it that is leading him miss i returned how shall i tell you so that you will believe me that i know of in different from what there was when i first came here i can think of nothing i firmly believe there is nothing i hardly understand even what you mean as she still looked at me a or throbbing from which i could not the idea of pain came into that cruel mark and lifted up the corner of her lip as if with scorn or with a pity that despised its object she put her hand upon it hurriedly a hand so thin and delicate that
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a supply of that necessary without which he must perish i am sorry to have heard bad news of mr said i mr looked at me with a steady countenance and shook his head do you know how he is to night i asked the very question i should have put to you sir returned mr but on account of delicacy it s one of the of our line of business when a party s ill we ask how the party is the difficulty had not occurred to me though i had had my apprehensions too when i went in of hearing the old tune on its being mentioned i recognised it however and said as much yes yes you understand said mr nodding his head we t do it bless you it would be a shock that the of parties t recover to say and s compliments and how do you find yourself this morning or this afternoon as it may be mr and i nodded at each other and mr his wind by the aid of his pipe it s one of the things that cut the trade off from attentions they could often wish to show said mr take myself if i have known a year to move to as he went by i have known him forty year but can t go and say how is he i felt it was rather hard on mr and i told him so i m not more self interested i hope than another man said mr look at me my wind may fail me at any moment and it ain t likely that to my own knowledge i d be self interested under such circumstances i say it ain t likely in a man who knows his wind will go when it does go as if a pair of was cut open and that man a grandfather said mr i said not at all it ain t that i complain of my line of business said mr it ain t that some good and some bad goes no doubt to all what i wish is that parties were brought up stronger minded mr with a very complacent and amiable face took several in silence and then said his first point accordingly we re in how goes on to limit ourselves to em ly she knows what our real objects are and she don t have any more or suspicions about us than if we was so many and have just stepped down to the house in fact she s there after hours helping her aunt a bit to ask her how he is tonight and if you was to please to wait till they come back they d give you full will you take something a glass of and water now i smoke on and water myself said mr taking up his glass because it s considered softening to the passages by which this troublesome breath of mine gets into action but lord bless you said mr it ain t the passages that s out of order give me breath enough says i to my daughter and z u find passages my dear he really had no breath to spare and it was very alarming to see him laugh when he was again in a condition to be talked to i thanked him the personal history and experience for the proffered which i declined as i had just had dinner and observing that i would wait since he was so good as to invite me until his daughter and his son in law came back i inquired how little well sir said mr removing his pipe that he might rub his chin i tell you truly i shall be glad when her marriage has taken place why so i inquired well she s unsettled at present said mr it ain t that she s not as pretty as ever for she s prettier i do assure you she is prettier it ain t that she don t w as well as ever for she does she worth any six and she is worth any six but somehow she wants heart if you understand said mr after rubbing his chin again and smoking a little what i mean in a general way by the expression a long pull and a strong pull and a pull altogether my i should say to you that that was in a general way what i miss in em ly mr s face and manner went for so much that i could nod my head as his meaning my quickness of apprehension seemed to please him and he went on now i consider this is principally on account of her being in an state you see we have talked it over a good deal her uncle and myself and her sweetheart and myself after business and it is principally on account of her being unsettled you must always recollect of em ly said mr shaking his head gently that she s a most extraordinary affectionate little thing the proverb says you can t make a silk purse out of a sow s ear well i don t know about that i rather think you may if you begin early in life she has made a home out of that old boat sir that stone and marble couldn t beat i am sure she has said i to see the clinging of that pretty little thing to hei uncle said mr to see the way she holds on to him and and closer and closer every day is to see a sight now you know there s a struggle going on when that s the case why should it be made a longer one than is needful i listened attentively to the good old fellow and with all my heart in what he said therefore i mentioned to them said mr
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with t other loving art what em ly eh my pretty the sound of her voice had not reached me but he bent his head as if he listened to her and then said let you stay with your uncle why you t mean to ask me that stay with your uncle when your husband that be so soon is here fur to take you home now a person wouldn t think it fur to see this little thing alongside a rough weather chap like me said mr looking round at both of us with infinite pride but the sea ain t more salt in it than she has fondness in her for her uncle a foolish little em ly em ly s in the right in that r said ham here as em ly wishes of it and as she s hurried and frightened like besides i leave her till morning let me stay too no no said mr you t ought a married man like you or what s as good to take and away a day s work and you t ought to watch and work both that won t do you go home and turn in you ain t of em ly not being took good care on know ham yielded to this persuasion and took his hat to go even when he kissed her and i never saw him approach her but i felt that nature had given him the soul of a gentleman she seemed to cling closer to her uncle even to the of her chosen husband i shut the door after him that it might cause no disturbance of the quiet that prevailed and when i turned back i found mr still talking to her w a of david now i m a going up stairs to tell your aunt as r s here and that cheer her up a bit he said sit ye down by the fire the while my dear and warm these mortal cold hands you t need to be so and take on so much what you go along with me well come along with me come if her uncle was turned out of house and home and forced to lay down in a r said mr with no less pride than before it s my belief she d go along with him now but there be some one else soon some one else soon em ly afterwards when i went up stairs as i passed the door of my little chamber which was dark i had an indistinct impression of her being within it cast down upon the floor but whether it was really she or whether it was a confusion of the shadows in the room i don t know now i had leisure to think before the kitchen fire of pretty little em ly s dread of death which added to what mr had told me i took to be the cause of her being so unlike herself and i had leisure before came down even to think more of the weakness of it as i sat counting the of the clock and deepening my sense of the solemn hush around me took me in her arms and blessed and thanked me over and over again for being such a comfort to her that was what she said in her distress she then entreated me to come up stairs sobbing that mr had always liked me and admired me that he had often talked of me before he fell into a stupor and that she believed in case of his coming to himself again he would up at sight of me if he could up at any earthly thing the probability of his ever doing so appeared to me when i saw him to be very small he was lying with his head and shoulders out of bed in an uncomfortable attitude half resting on the box which had cost him so much pain and trouble i learned that when he was past creeping out of bed to open it and past assuring himself of its safety by means of the rod i had seen him use he had required to have it placed on the chair at the bed side where he had ever since embraced it night and day his arm lay on it now time and the world were slipping from beneath him but the box was there and the last words he had uttered were in an tone old clothes my dear i said almost cheerfully bending over him while her brother and i stood at the bed s foot here s my dear boy my dear boy master who brought us together that you sent messages by you know won t you speak to master he was as mute and senseless as the box from which his form derived the only expression it had he s a going out with the tide said mr to me behind his hand my eyes were dim and so were mr s but i repeated in a whisper with the tide people can t die along the coast said mr except when the tide s pretty nigh out they can t be born unless it s pretty nigh in not properly born till flood he s a going out with the tide it s ebb at half three slack water half an hour if he lives till it turns he hold his own till past the flood and go out with the next tide the personal history and experience we remained there watching him a long time hours what mysterious influence my presence had upon him in that state of his senses i shall not pretend to say but when he at last began to wander feebly it is certain he was muttering about driving me to school
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he s coming to himself said mr touched me and whispered with much awe and reverence they are both a going out fast my dear said c p he cried faintly no better woman anywhere look here master said for he now opened his eyes i was on the point of asking him if he knew me when he tried to stretch out his arm and said to me distinctly with a pleasant smile is and it being low water he went out with the tide a loss it was not difficult for me on s to resolve to stay where i was until after the remains of the poor should have made last journey to she had long ago bought out of her own a little piece of ground in our old churchyard near the grave of her sweet girl as she always called my mother and there they w re to rest in keeping company and doing all i could for her little enough at the utmost i was as grateful i rejoice to think as even now could wish myself to have been but i am afraid i had a supreme satisfaction of a personal and professional nature in taking ge of mr s will and its contents i may claim the merit of having originated the suggestion that the will should be looked for in the box after some search it was found in the box at the bottom of a horse s nose bag wherein besides hay there was discovered an old gold watch with chain and which mr had worn on his wedding day and which had never been seen before or since a silver tobacco in the form of a leg an imitation full of minute cups and which i have some idea mr must have purchased to present to me when i was a child and afterwards found himself unable to part with eighty seven guineas and a half in guineas and half guineas two hundred and ten pounds in perfectly clean bank notes certain for bank of england stock an old horse shoe a bad shilling a piece of and an shell the circumstance of the latter article having been much polished and displaying colours on the inside i conclude that mr had some of david general ideas about pearls never resolved themselves into anything definite years and years mr s had carried this box on all his journeys every day that it might the better escape notice he had invented a fiction that it belonged to mr and was to be left witli till called for a fable he had written on the lid in characters now scarcely he had all these years i found to good purpose his property in money amounted to nearly three thousand pounds of this he the interest of one thousand to mr for his life on his the principal to be equally divided between little and me or the or of us share and share alike all the rest he died possessed of he to whom he left and sole of tiiat his last will and testament i felt myself quite a when i read this document aloud with au possible ceremony and set forth its provisions any number of times to those whom they concerned i began to think there was more in the than i had supposed i examined the will with the deepest attention pronounced it perfectly formal in all respects made a or so in the margin and thought it rather that i knew so much in this pursuit in making an account for of all the property into which she had come in all the affairs in an orderly manner and in being her and adviser on every point to our joint delight i passed the week before the funeral i did not see little in that interval but they told me she was to be quietly married in a fortnight i did not attend the funeral in character if i may venture to say so i mean i was not dressed up in a black cloak and a to frighten the birds but i walked over to early in the morning and was in the churchyard when it came attended only by and her brother the mad gentleman looked on out of my little window mr s baby its heavy head and rolled its eyes at the clergyman over its nurse s shoulder mr breathed short in the background no one else was there and it was very quiet we walked about the churchyard for an hour after all was over and pulled some young leaves from the tree above my mother s grave a dread falls on me here a cloud is lowering on the distant town towards which i my solitary steps i fear to approach it i cannot bear to think of what did come upon that memorable night of what must come again if i go on it is no worse because i wi ite of it it would be no better if i stopped my most unwilling hand it is done nothing can undo it nothing can make it otherwise than as it was my old nurse was to go to london with me next day on the business of the will little was passing that day at mr s we were all to meet in the old that night ham would bring at the usual hour i would walk back at my leisure the brother and sister would return as they had come and be expecting us when the day closed in at the fireside the personal history and experience i parted from them at the gate where visionary had rested with s in the days of and instead of going straight back walked a little distance on the road to then i turned and walked back towards i stayed to dine at a decent some mile or two from
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the i have mentioned before and thus the day wore away and it was evening when i reached it rain was falling heavily by that time and it was a wild night but there was a moon behind the clouds and it was not dark i was soon within sight of mr s house and of the light within it shining through the window a little across the sand which was heavy brought me to the door and i went in it looked very comfortable indeed mr had smoked his evening pipe and there were preparations for some supper by and by the fire was bright the ashes were thrown up the was ready for little in her old place in her own old place sat once more looking but for her dress as if she had never left it she had fallen back already on the society of the work box with saint paul s upon the lid the yard measure in the cottage and the bit of wax candle and there they all were just as if they had never been disturbed appeared to be a little in her old corner and consequently looked quite natural too you re first of the lot r said mr with a happy face t keep in that coat sir if it s wet thank you mr said i giving him my outer coat to hang up it s quite dry so tis said mr feeling my shoulders as a sit ye down sir it ain t o no use saying welcome to you but you re welcome kind and hearty thank you mr i am sure of that weu said i giving her a kiss and how are you old woman ha ha laughed mr sitting down beside us and rubbing his hands in his sense of relief from recent trouble and in the genuine of his nature there s not a woman in the sir as i tell her that need to feel more easy in her mind than her she done her by the departed and the departed know d it and the departed done what was right by her as she done what was right by the departed and and and it s all right mrs groaned cheer up my pretty said mr but he shook his head aside at us evidently sensible of the tendency of the late to the memory of the old one t be down cheer up for your own self on y a little bit and see if a good deal more t come not to me returned mrs s to me but to be lone and no no said mr soothing her sorrows yes yes dan l said mrs i ain t a person to live with them as has had money left thinks go too with me i had better be a op david t why how should i ever spend it without you said mr with an air of serious remonstrance what are you a talking on t i want you more now than ever i did i know d i was never wanted before cried mrs with a pitiable and now i m told so how could i expect to be wanted being so lone and and so mr seemed very much shocked at himself for having made a speech capable of this construction but was prevented from replying by s pulling his sleeve and shaking her head after looking at mrs for some moments in sore distress of mind he glanced at the dutch clock rose the candle and put it in the window said mr cheerily we are mrs slightly groaned lighted up to custom you re a what that s fur sir well it s fur our little em ly you see the path ain t over light or cheerful dark and when i m here at the hour as she s a home i puts the light in the that you see said mr bending over me with great glee meets two objects she says says em ly s home she says and likewise says em ly my uncle s fur if i ain t i never have no light showed you re a baby said very fond of him for it if she thought so well returned mr standing with his legs pretty wide apart and rubbing his hands up and down them in his comfortable satisfaction as he looked alternately at us and at the fire i t know but i am not you see to look at not observed no laughed mr not to look at but to to consider on you know i t care bless you now i tell you when i go a looking and looking about that house of our em ly s i m i m said mr with sudden emphasis i can t say more if i t feel as if the things was her a most i takes em up and i puts em down and i touches of em as delicate as if they was our em ly so tis with her little and that i couldn t see one on em rough used a purpose not fur the whole there s a fur you in the form of a great sea said mr his earnestness with a roar of laughter and both laughed but not so loud it s my opinion you see said mr with a delighted face after some further rubbing of his legs as this is along of my played with her so much and made believe as we was and french and and every of bless you yes and lions and and i don t know what all when she warn t no higher than my knee i ve got into the way on it you know why this here candle now said mr holding out his hand
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end between us what his of me were i have never known they were light enough perhaps and easily dismissed but mine of him were as the of a cherished friend who was dead yes long removed from the scenes of this poor history my sorrow may bear involuntary witness against you at the judgment throne but my angry thoughts or my reproaches never will i know the news of what had happened soon spread through the town that as i passed along the streets next morning i overheard the people speaking of it at their doors many were hard upon her some few were hard upon him but towards her second father and her lover there was but one sentiment among all kinds of people a respect for them in their distress prevailed which was full of gentleness and delicacy the men kept apart when those two were seen early walking with slow steps on the beach and stood in knots talking among themselves it was on the beach close down by the sea that i found them it would have been easy to perceive that they had not slept all last night even if had failed to tell me of their still sitting just as i left them when it was broad day they looked worn and i thought mr s head was bowed in one night more than in all the years i had known him but they were both as grave and steady as the sea itself then lying beneath a dark sky yet with a heavy roll upon it as if it breathed in its rest and touched on the horizon with a strip of silvery light from the unseen sun we have had a of talk sir said mr to me when we y the personal history and experience had all three walked a little while in silence of what we ought and t ought to do but we see our course now i happened to glance at ham then looking out to sea upon the distant light and a frightful thought came into my mind not that his face was angry for it was not i nothing but an expression of stern determination in it that if ever he encountered he would kill him my here sir said mr is done i ra a going to seek my he stopped and went on in a firmer voice i m a going to seek her that s my he shook his head when i asked him where he would seek her and inquired if i were going to london to morrow i told him i had not gone to day fearing to lose the chance of being of any to him but that i was ready to go when he would i ll go along with you sir he rejoined if you re agreeable to morrow we walked again for a while in silence ham he presently resumed he hold to his present work and go and live along with my sister the old boat yonder will you desert the old boat mr i gently interposed my station r he returned ain t there no longer and if ever a boat since there was darkness on the face of the deep that one s gone down but no sir no i t mean as it should be deserted from that we walked again for a while as before until he explained my wishes is sir as it shall look day and night winter and summer as it has always looked since she first know d it if ever she should come a wandering back i wouldn t have the old place seem to cast her you understand but seem to tempt her to draw to t and to peep in maybe like a ghost out of the wind and rain through the old at the old seat by the fire then maybe r none but there she might take heart to creep in trembling and might come to be laid down in her old bed and rest her weary head where it was once so gay i could not speak to him in reply though i tried every night said mr as lar as the night comes the candle must be stood in its old pane of glass that if ever she should see it it may seem to say come back my child come back if ever there s a knock ham a soft knock dark at your aunt s door t you go nigh it let it be her not you that sees mv fallen child he walked a little in front of us and kept before us for some minutes during this interval i glanced at ham again and observing the same expression on his face and his eyes still directed to the distant light i touched his arm twice i called him by his name in the tone in which i might have tried to rouse a before he me when i at last inquired on what his thoughts were so bent he replied on what s afore me r and over yon on the life before you do you mean he had pointed out to sea op david ay r i t rightly know how tis but from over yon there seemed to me to come the end of it like looking at me as if he were waking but with the same determined face what end i asked possessed by my former fear i t know he said thoughtfully i was calling to mind that the of it all did take place here and then the end come but it s gone r he added answering as i think my look you han t no call to be of me but i m i t fare to feel no matters which was as much as
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to say that he was not himself and quite confounded mr stopping for us to join him we did so and said no more the remembrance of this in with my former thought however haunted me at intervals even until the inexorable end came at its appointed time we approached the old boat and entered mrs no longer in her especial corner was busy preparing breakfast she took mr s hat and placed his seat for him and spoke so comfortably and softly that i hardly knew her dan l my good man said she you must eat and drink and keep up your strength for without it you do try that s a dear soul and if i disturb you with my she meant her chattering tell me so dan l and i won t when she had served us all she withdrew to the window where she employed herself in some shirts and other clothes belonging to mr and neatly folding and packing them in an old bag such as sailors carry meanwhile she continued talking in the same quiet manner all times and seasons you know dan l said mrs i shall be here and every think will look to your wishes i m a poor scholar but i shall write to you odd times when you re away and send my letters to r maybe you write to me too dan l odd times and tell me how you fare to feel upon your lone you be a solitary woman i m said mr no no dan l she returned i shan t be that t you mind me i shall have enough to do to keep a for you mrs meant a home again you come back to keep a here for any that may hap to come back dan l in the fine time i shall set outside the door as i used to do if any should come nigh they shall see the old woman true to em a long way what a change in mrs in a little time she was another woman she was so devoted she had such a quick perception of what it would be well to say and what it would be well to leave she was so forgetful of herself and so of the sorrow about her that i held her in a sort of veneration the work she did that day there were many things to be brought up from the beach and stored in the as oars sails bags of and the like and though there was abundance of assistance rendered there being not a pair of working hands on au that shore but would have labored hard for mr and been well paid y the personal history and experience in being asked to do it yet she persisted all day long in toiling under that she was quite unequal to and to and fro on all sorts of unnecessary errands as to her misfortunes she appeared to have entirely lost the recollection of ever having had any she preserved an cheerfulness in the midst of her sympathy which was not the least astonishing part of the change that had come over her was out of the question i did not even observe her voice to or a tear to escape from her eyes the whole day through until twilight when she and i and mr being alone together and he having fallen asleep in perfect exhaustion she broke into a half suppressed fit of sobbing and crying and taking me to the door said ever bless you r be a friend to him poor dear then she immediately ran out of the house to wash her face in order that she might sit quietly beside him and be found at work there when he should awake in short i left her when i went away at night the and staff of mr s affliction and i could not enough upon the lesson that i read in mrs and the new experience she unfolded to me it was between nine and ten o clock when strolling in a melancholy manner through the town i stopped at mr s door mr had taken it so much to heart his daughter told me that he had been very low and poorly all day and had gone to bed without his pipe a bad hearted girl said mrs there was no good in her ever don t say so i returned you don t think so yes i do cried mrs angrily no no said i mrs tossed her endeavouring to be very stern and cross but she could not command her softer self and began to cry i was young to be sure but i thought much the better of her for this sympathy and fancied it became her as a virtuous wife and mother very well indeed what will she ever do sobbed where will she go what will become of her oh how could she be so cruel to herself and him i remembered the time when was a young and pretty girl and i was glad that she remembered it too so my little said mrs has only just now been got to sleep even in her sleep she is sobbing for em ly all day long little has cried for her and asked me over and over again whether em ly was wicked what can i say to her when em ly tied a ribbon off her own neck round little s the last night she was here and laid her head down on the pillow beside her till she was fast asleep the ribbon s round my little s neck now it ought not to be perhaps but what can i do em ly is very bad but they were fond of one another and the child knows nothing mrs was so unhappy that her husband came out to
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take care of her leaving them together i went home to s more melancholy myself if possible than i had been yet that good creature i mean all by her late anxieties of david z and sleepless nights was at her brother s where she meant to stay till morning an old woman who had been employed about the house for some weeks past while had been unable to attend to it was the house s only other besides myself as i had no occasion for her services i sent her to bed by no means against her will and sat down before the kitchen fire a little while to think about all this i was it with the of the late mr and was driving out with the tide towards the distance at which ham had looked so singularly in the morning when i was recalled from my wanderings by a knock at the door there was a upon the door but it was not that which made the sound the tap was from a hand and low down upon the door as if it were given by a child it made me start as much as if it had been the knock of a footman to a person of distinction i opened the door and at first looked down to my amazement on nothing but a great umbrella that appeared to be walking about of itself but presently i discovered underneath it miss i might not have been prepared to give the little creature a very reception if on her removing the umbrella which her utmost efforts were unable to shut up she had shown me the expression of face which had made so great an impression on me at our first and last meeting but her face as she turned it up to mine was so earnest and when i relieved her of the umbrella which would have been an inconvenient one for the irish giant she wrung her little hands in such an manner that i rather inclined towards her miss said i after glancing up and down the empty street without distinctly knowing what i expected to see besides how do you come here what is the matter she to me with her short right arm to shut the umbrella for her and passing me hurriedly went into the kitchen when i had closed the door and followed with the umbrella in my hand i found her sitting on the corner of the it was a low iron one with two flat bars at top to stand plates upon in the shadow of the swaying herself backwards and forwards and her hands upon her knees like a person in pain quite alarmed at being the only of this visit and the only spectator of this behaviour i exclaimed again pray tell me miss what is the matter are you ill my dear young soul returned miss her hands upon her heart one over the other i am ill here i am very ill to think that it should come to this when i might have known it and perhaps prevented it if i hadn t been a thoughtless fool again her large bonnet very to her figure went backwards and forwards in her swaying of her little body to and fro while a most gigantic bonnet rocked in with it upon the wall i am surprised i began to see you so distressed and serious when she interrupted me yes it s always so she said they are all surprised these young people fairly and full grown to see any natural the personal history and experience feeling in a little thing like me they make a of me use me for their amusement throw me away when they are tired and wonder that i feel more than a toy horse or a wooden soldier yes yes that s the way the old way it may be with others i returned but i do assure you it is not with me perhaps i ought not to be at all surprised to see you as you are now i know so little of you i said without consideration what i thought what can i do returned the little woman standing up and holding out her arms to show herself see what i am my father was and my sister is and my brother is i have worked for sister and brother these many years hard mr all day i must live i do no harm if there are people so or so cruel as to make a jest of me what is left for me to do but to make a jest of myself them and every thing if i do so for the time whose fault is that mine no not miss s i perceived if i had shown myself a sensitive dwarf to your false friend pursued the little woman shaking her head at me with how much of his help or good will do you think should ever have had if little who had no hand young gentleman in the making of herself addressed herself to him or the like of him because of her misfortunes when do you suppose her small voice would have been heard little would have as much need to live if she was the bitterest and of but she couldn t do it no she might whistle for her bread and butter till she died of air miss sat down on the again and took out her handkerchief and wiped her eyes be thankful for me if you have a kind heart as i think you have she said that while i know well what i am i can be cheerful and endure it all i am thankful for myself at any rate that i can find my tiny way through the world without being to any one and that in return
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for all that is thrown at me in folly or vanity as i go along i can throw back if i don t brood over all i want it is the better for me and not the worse for any one if i am a for you giants be gentle with me miss replaced her handkerchief in her pocket looking at me with very intent expression all the while and pursued i saw you in the street just now you may suppose i am not able to walk as fast as you with my short legs and short breath and i couldn t overtake you but i guessed where you came and came after you i have been here before to day but the good woman wasn t at home do you know her i demanded i know of her and about her she replied from and i was there at seven o clock this morning do you remember what said to me about this unfortunate girl that time when i saw you both at the inn the great bonnet on miss s head and the greater bonnet on the wall began to go backwards and forwards again when she asked this question of david i remembered very well what she referred to having had it in my thoughts many times that day i told her so may the father of all evil confound him said the little woman holding up her forefinger between me and her sparkling eyes and ten times more confound that wicked servant but i believed it was you who had a boyish passion for her i i repeated child child in the name of blind ill fortune cried miss wringing her hands impatiently as she went to and fro again upon the why did you praise her so and blush and look disturbed i could not conceal from myself that i had done this though for a reason very from her supposition what did i know said miss taking out her handkerchief again and giving one little stamp on the ground whenever at short intervals she applied it to her eyes with both hands at once he was crossing you and you i saw and you were soft wax in his hands i saw had i left the room a minute when his man told me that young innocence so he called you and you may call him old guilt all the days of your life had set his heart upon her and she was giddy and liked him but his master was resolved that no harm should come of it more for your sake than for hers and that that was their business here how could i hut believe him i saw soothe and please you by his praise of her you were the first to mention her name you owned to an old admiration of her you were hot and cold and red and white all at once when i spoke to you of her what could i think what did i think but that you were a young in everything but experience and had fallen into hands that had experience enough and could manage you having the fancy for your own good oh oh oh they were afraid of my finding out the truth exclaimed miss getting off the and trotting up and down the kitchen with her two short arms lifted up because i am a sharp little thing i need be to get through the world at all and they deceived me altogether and i gave the poor unfortunate girl a letter which i fully believe was the beginning of her ever speaking to who was left behind on purpose i stood amazed at the revelation of all this looking at miss as she walked up and down the kitchen until she was out of breath when she sat upon the again and drying her face with her handkerchief shook her head for a long time without otherwise moving and without breaking silence my country rounds she added at length brought me to mr the night before last what i happened to find out there about their secret way of coming and going without you which was strange led to my suspecting something wrong i got into the coach from london last night as it came through and was here this morning oh oh oh too late poor little turned so chilly after all her crying and that she turned round on the putting her poor little wet feet in among the ashes to warm them and sat looking at the fire like a large doll i sat in a chair on the other side of the hearth lost in unhappy reflections and looking at the fire too and sometimes at her the i history and experience i must go she said at last rising as spoke it s late you don t me meeting her sharp glance which was as sharp as ever when she asked me i could not on that short challenge answer no quite frankly come said she accepting the offer of my hand to help her over the and looking wistfully up into my face you know you wouldn t me if i was a full sized woman i felt that there was much truth in this and i felt rather ashamed of myself you are a young man she said nodding take a word of advice even from three foot nothing try not to associate bodily defects with mental my good friend except for a solid reason she had got over the now and i had got over my suspicion i told her that i believed she had given me a faithful account of herself and that we had both been instruments in hands she thanked me and said i was a good fellow now mind she exclaimed turning back on her way to the door
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and looking at me with her forefinger up again i have some reason to suspect from what i have heard my ears are always open i can t afford to spare what powers i have that they are gone abroad but if ever they return if ever any one of them returns while i am alive i am more likely than another going about as i do to find it out soon whatever i know you shall know if ever i can do anything to serve the poor betrayed girl i will do it faithfully please heaven and had better have a at his back than little i placed faith in this last statement when i marked the look with which it was accompanied trust me no more but trust me no less than you would trust a woman said the little creature touching me on the wrist if ever you see me again unlike what i am now and like what i was when you first saw me observe what company i am in call to mind that i am a very helpless and little thing think of me at home with my brother like myself and sister like myself when my day s work is done perhaps you wont then be very hard upon me or surprised if i can be distressed and serious good night i gave miss my hand with a very different opinion of her from that which i had hitherto entertained and opened the door to let her out it was not a trifling business to get the great umbrella up and properly balanced in her grasp but at last i successfully accomplished this and saw it go down the street through the rain without the least appearance of having anybody underneath it except when a heavier fall than usual from some water sent it over on one side and discovered miss struggling violently to get it right after making one or two to her relief which were rendered futile by the umbrella s on again like an immense bird before i could reach it i came in went to bed and slept till morning in the morning i was joined by mr and by my old nurse and we went at an early hour to the coach office where mrs and ham were waiting to take leave of us or david r ham whispered drawing me aside while mr was his bag among the luggage his life is quite broke up he t know he s going he t know what s afore him he s bound upon a voyage that last on and off all the rest of his days take my for t unless he finds what he s a seeking of i am sure you ll be a friend to him r trust me will indeed said i shaking hands with ham earnestly very kind sir one thing i m in good employ you know r and i han t no way now of spending what i gets money s of no use to me no more except to live if you can lay it out for him i shall do my work with a better art though as to that sir and he spoke very steadily and mildly you re not to think but i shall work at all times like a man and act the best that lays in my power i told him i was well convinced of it and i hinted that i hoped the time might even come when he would cease to lead the lonely life he naturally contemplated now no sir he said shaking his head all that s past and over with me sir no one can never fill place that s empty but you ll bear in mind about the money as s at all times some laying by for him him of the fact that mr derived a steady though certainly a very moderate income from the of his late brother i promised to do so we then took leave of each other i cannot leave him even now without remembering with a pang at once his modest fortitude and his great sorrow as to mrs if i were to endeavour to describe how she ran down the street by the side of the coach seeing nothing but mr on the roof through the tears she tried to repress and dashing herself against the people who were coming in the opposite direction i should enter on a task of some difficulty therefore i had better leave her sitting on a baker s door step out of breath with no shape at all remaining in her bonnet and one of her shoes off lying on the pavement at a considerable distance when we got to our journey s end our first pursuit was to look about for a little lodging for where her brother could have a bed we were so fortunate as to find one of a very clean and cheap description over a s shop only two streets removed from me when we had engaged this i bought some cold meat at an eating house and took my fellow travellers home to tea a proceeding i regret to state which did not meet with mrs s approval but quite the contrary i ought to observe however in explanation of that lady s state of mind that she was much offended by s up her widow s gown before she had been ten minutes in the place and setting to work to dust my bed room this mrs regarded in the light of a liberty and a liberty she said was a thing she never allowed mr had made a communication to me on the way to london for which i was not unprepared it was that he first seeing mrs as i felt bound to assist him in this and also to between them with the
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view of the mother s feelings as the personal history and experience much as possible i wrote to her that night i told her as mildly as i could what his wrong was and what my own share in his injury i said he was a man in very common life but of a most gentle and upright character and that i ventured to express a hope that she would not refuse to see him in his heavy trouble i mentioned two o clock in the afternoon as the hour of our coming and i sent the letter myself by the first coach in the morning at the appointed time we stood at the door the door of that house where i had been a few days since so happy where my youthful confidence and warmth of heart had been yielded up so freely which was closed against me henceforth which was now a waste a ruin no appeared the pleasanter face which had replaced his on the occasion of my last visit answered to our summons and went before us to the drawing room mrs was sitting there glided as we went in from another part of the room and stood behind her chair i saw directly in his mother s face that she knew from what he had done it was very pale and ore the traces of deeper emotion than my letter alone weakened by the doubts her fondness would have raised upon it would have been likely to create i thought her more like him than ever i had thought her and i felt rather than saw that the resemblance was not lost on my companion she sat upright in her arm chair with a stately air that it seemed as if nothing could disturb she looked very at mr when he stood before her and he looked quite as at her s keen glance comprehended all of us for some moments not a word was spoken she to mr to be seated he said in a low voice i shouldn t feel it ma am to sit down in this house i d sooner stand and this was succeeded by another silence which she broke thus i know with deep regret what has brought you here what do ou want of me what do you ask me to do he put his hat under his arm and feeling in his breast for s letter took it out unfolded it and gave it to her please to read that ma am that s my niece s hand she read it in the same stately and way untouched by its contents as far as i could see and returned it to him unless he brings me back a lady said mr tracing out that part with his finger i come to know ma am whether he will keep his no she returned why not said mr it is impossible he would disgrace himself you cannot fail to know that she is far below him her up said mr she is and ignorant maybe she s not maybe she is said mr i think not ma am but i m no judge of them things teach her better op david since you oblige me to speak more plainly which i am very unwilling to do her humble would render such a thing impossible if nothing else did hark to this ma am he returned slowly and quietly you know what it is to love your child so do i if she was a hundred times my child i couldn t love her more you t know what it is to lose your child i do all the heaps of riches in the would be to me if they was mine to buy her back but save her from this disgrace and she shall never be disgraced by us not one of us that she s up among not one of us that s lived along with her and had her for their all in all these many year will ever look upon her face again we ll be content to let her be we ll be content to think of her far off as if she was underneath another sun and sky we be content to trust her to her husband to her little children p and bide the time when all of us shall be alike in quality afore our god the rugged eloquence with which he spoke was not devoid of all effect she still preserved her proud manner but there was a touch of softness in her voice as she answered i justify nothing i make no counter but i am sorry to repeat it is impossible such a marriage would my son s career and ruin his prospects nothing is more certain than that it never can take place and never will if there is any other compensation i am looking at the likeness of the face interrupted mr with a steady but a eye that has looked at me in my home at my fireside in my boat not smiling and friendly when it was so treacherous that i go half wild when i think of it if the likeness of that face don t turn to burning fire at the thought of offering money to me for my child s and ruin it s as bad i t know being a lady s but what it s worse she changed now in a moment an angry flush her features and she said in an manner grasping the arm chair tightly with her hands what compensation can you make to me for opening such a pit between me and my son what is your love to mine what is your separation to ours miss softly touched her and down her head to whisper but she would not hear a word no not a word let
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could give of her would do justice to my recollection of her or to her entire of herself to her anger i have seen passion in many forms but i have never seen it in such a form as that when i joined mr he was walking slowly and thoughtfully down the hill he told me as soon as i came up with him that having now discharged his mind of what he had doing in london he meant to set out on his travels that night i asked him where he meant to go he only answered i m a going sir to seek my niece we went back to the little lodging over the s shop and there i found an opportunity of repeating to what he had said to me she informed me in return that he had said the same to her that morning she knew no more than i did where he was going but she thought he had some project shaped out in his mind i did not like to leave him under such circumstances and we all three dined together off a pie which was one of the many good things for which was famous and which was curiously on this occasion i recollect well by a miscellaneous taste of tea ee butter bacon cheese new candles and continually ascending from the shop after dinner we sat for an hour or so near the window without t much and then mr got up and brought his bag and his stout stick and laid them on the table he accepted from his sister s stock of ready money a small sum on account of his barely enough i should have thought to keep the personal history and experience him for a month he promised to communicate with me when anything him and he his bag about him took his hat and stick and bade us both good bye all good attend you dear old woman he said embracing and you too r shaking hands with me m a going to seek her fur and wide if she should come home while i m away but ah that ain t like to be or if i should bring her back my meaning is that she and me shall live and die where no one can t reproach her f any hurt should come to me remember that the last words i left for her was my unchanged love is with my darling child and i forgive her he said this solemnly bare headed then putting on his hat he went down the stairs and away we followed to the door it was a warm dusty evening just the time when in the great main out of which that bye way turned there was a temporary lull in the eternal tread effect upon the pavement and a strong red sunshine he turned alone at the corner of our shady street into a glow of light in which we lost him did that hour of the evening come rarely did i wake at night rarely did i look up at the moon or stars or watch the falling rain or hear the wind but i thought of his solitary figure toiling on poor pilgrim and recalled the words i m a going to seek her fur and wide if any hurt should come to me remember that the last words i left for her was my unchanged love is with my darling child and i forgive her t all this time i had gone on loving harder than ever her idea was my refuge in disappointment and distress and made some amends to me even for the loss of my friend the more i pitied myself or pitied others the more i sought for consolation in the image of the greater the of deceit and trouble in the world the brighter and the purer shone the star of high above the world i don t think i had any definite idea where came from or in what degree she was related to a higher order of beings but i am quite sure i should have the notion of her being simply human like any other young lady with indignation and contempt if i may so express it i was in i was not merely over head and ears in love with her but i was through and through enough love might have been wrung out of me speaking to drown anybody in and yet there would have remained enough within me and all over me to my entire existence the first thing i did on my own account when i came back was to of david take a night walk to and like the subject of a venerable riddle of my childhood to go round and round the house without ever touching the house thinking about i believe the theme of this incomprehensible was the moon no matter what it was i the moon struck slave of round and round the house and garden for two hours looking through in the getting my chin by dint of violent exertion above the rusty nails on the top blowing kisses at the lights in the windows and calling on the night at intervals to shield my i don t exactly know what from i suppose from fire perhaps from to which she had a great objection my love was so much on my mind and it was so natural to me to confide in when i found her again by my side of an evening with the old set of implements busily making the tour of my wardrobe that i imparted to her in a sufficiently way my great secret was strongly interested but i could not get her into my view of the case at all she was prejudiced in my favour and quite unable to understand why i should have any or
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be low spirited about it the young lady might think herself well off she observed to have such a beau and as to her pa she said what did the gentleman expect for gracious sake i observed however that mr s gown and stiff took down a little and inspired her with a greater reverence for the man who was gradually becoming more and more in my eyes every day and about whom a reflected radiance seemed to me to beam when he sat erect in court among his papers like a little light house in a sea of and by the by it used to be uncommonly strange to me to consider i remember as i sat in court too how those dim old judges and doctors wouldn t have cared for if they had known her how they wouldn t have gone out of their senses with rapture if marriage with had been proposed to them how might have sung and played upon that until she led me to the verge of madness yet not have tempted one of those slow an inch out of his road i despised them to a man out old in the of the heart i took a personal offence against them all the bench was nothing to me but an insensible the bar had no more tenderness or poetry in it than the bar of a public house taking the management of s affairs into my own hands with no little pride i proved the will and came to a settlement with the duty office and took her to the bank and soon got everything into an orderly train we varied the legal character of these proceedings by going to see some wax work in fleet street melted i should hope these twenty years and by visiting miss s exhibition which i remember as a of favorable to self examination and repentance and by the tower of london and going to the top of st paul s all these wonders afforded as much pleasure as she was able to enjoy under existing circumstances except i think st paul s which from her long attachment to her became a rival of the picture on the lid and was in some particulars she considered by that work of art s business which was what we used to call common form the personal history and experience business in the and very light and the business was being settled i took her down to the office one morning to pay her bill mr had stepped out old said to get a gentleman sworn for a marriage license but as i knew he would be back directly our place lying close to the s and to the general s office too i told to wait we were a little like in the as regarded transactions generally making it a rule to look more or less cut up when we had to deal with in mourning in a similar feeling of delicacy we were always and light hearted with the license therefore i hinted to that she would find mr much recovered from the shock of mr s and indeed he came in like a bridegroom but neither nor i had eyes for him when we saw in company with him mr he was very little changed his hair looked as thick and was certainly as black as ever and his glance was as little to be trusted as of old ah said mr you know this gentleman i believe i made my gentleman a distant bow and barely recognised him he was at first somewhat disconcerted to meet us two together but quickly decided what to do and came up to me i hope he said that you are doing well it can hardly be interesting to you said i yes if you wish to know we looked at each other and he addressed himself to and you said he i am sorry to observe that you have lost your it s not the first loss i have had in my life mr replied trembling from head to foot i am glad to hope that there is nobody to blame for this one nobody to answer for it ha said he that s a comfortable reflection y ou have done your duty i have not worn any body s life away said i am thankful to think no mr i have not and frightened any sweet to an early grave he eyed her gloomily i thought for an instant and said turning his head towards me but looking at my feet instead of my face we are not likely to encounter soon again a source of satisfaction to us both no doubt for such meetings as this can never be agreeable i do not expect that you who always against my just authority exerted for your benefit and should owe me any good a ill now there is an between us an old one i believe said i interrupting him he smiled and shot as evil a glance at me as could come from his dark eyes it in your baby breast he said it the life of your poor mother you are right i hope you may do better yet i hope you may correct yourself of david here he ended the dialogue which had been carried on in a low voice in a corner of the outer office by passing into mr s room and saying aloud in his manner gentlemen of mr s profession are accustomed to family differences and know how complicated and difficult they always are with that he paid the money for his license and receiving it neatly folded from mr together with a shake of the hand and a wish for his happiness and the lady s went out of the office i might have had more difficulty in myself to be silent under his words
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if i had had less difficulty in upon who was only angry on my account good creature that we were not in a place for and that i her to hold her peace she was so unusually roused that i was glad to compound for an affectionate by this revival in her mind of our old injuries and to make the best i could of it before mr and the clerks mr did not appear to know what the between mr and myself was which i was glad of for i could not bear to acknowledge him even in my own breast remembering what i did of the history of my poor mother mr seemed to think if he thought anything about the matter that my aunt was the leader of the state party in our family and that there was a rebel party commanded by somebody else so i gathered at least from what he said while we were waiting for mr to make out s bill of costs miss he remarked is very firm no doubt and not likely to give way to opposition i have an admiration for her character and i may congratulate you on being on the right side differences between relations are much to be but they are extremely general and the great thing is to be on the right side meaning i take it on the side of the interest a good marriage this i believe said mr i explained that i knew nothing about it indeed he said speaking from the few words mr dropped as a man frequently does on these occasions and from what miss let fall i should say it was rather a good marriage do you mean that there is money sir i asked yes said mr i understand there s money beauty too i am told indeed is his new wife young just of age said mr so lately that i should think they had been waiting for that lord deliver her said so very emphatically and unexpectedly that we were all three until came in with the bill old soon appeared however and handed it to mr to look over mr settling his chin in his and rubbing it softly went over the with a air as if it were all s doing and handed it back to with a bland sigh yes he said that s right quite right i should have been extremely happy to have limited these charges to the actual expenditure out of pocket but it is an irksome incident in my professional z the history and experience life that i am not at liberty to consult my own wishes i have a partner mr as he said this with a gentle melancholy which was the next thin to making no charge at all i expressed my on s behalf and paid in bank notes then retired to her lodging and mr and i went into court where we had a divorce suit coming on under an ingenious little now i believe but in virtue of which i have seen several marriages of which the merits were these the husband whose name was thomas had taken out his marriage license as thomas only the in case he should not find himself as comfortable as he expected not finding himself as comfortable as he expected or being a little fatigued with his wife poor fellow he now came forward by a friend after being married a year or two and declared that his name was thomas and therefore he was not married at au which the court confirmed to his great satisfaction i must say that had my doubts about the strict justice of this and was not even frightened out of them by the of wheat which all but mr argued the matter with me he said look at the world there was good and evil in that look at the law there was good and evil in that it was all part of a system very good there you were i had not the to suggest to s father that possibly we might even improve the world a little if we got up early in the morning and took ofi our coats to the work but i that i thought we might improve the mr replied that he would particularly advise me to dismiss that idea from my mind as not being worthy of my gentlemanly character but that he would be glad to hear from me of what improvement i thought the susceptible taking that part of the which happened to be nearest to us for our man was unmarried by this time and we were out of court and strolling past the office i submitted that i thought the office rather a managed institution mr inquired in what respect i replied with all due deference to his experience but with more deference i am afraid to his being s father that perhaps it was a little that the of that court containing the original wills of all persons leaving effects within the immense province of for three whole centuries should be an accidental building never designed for the purpose by the for their own private not even ascertained to be choked with the important documents it held and positively from the roof to the a speculation of the took great from the public and crammed the public s wills away anyhow and anywhere having no other object than to get rid of them that perhaps it was a little unreasonable that these in the receipt of profits to eight or nine thousand pounds a year to say nothing of the profits of the and clerks of seats should not be obliged to spend a little of that money in finding a reasonably safe place for the important documents which all classes of people were compelled to hand over to
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me i wished he had you be so glad to hear mr said that that cross miss is not here she has gone to her brother s marriage and will be away at least three weeks isn t that delightful i said i was sure it must be delightful to her and all that was delightful to her was delightful to me miss mills with an air of superior wisdom and benevolence smiled upon us she is the most disagreeable thing i ever saw said you can t believe how ill tempered and shocking she is yes i can my dear said you can perhaps love returned with her hand on s forgive my not excepting you my dear at first i learnt from this that miss mills had had her trials in the course of a existence and that to these perhaps i might refer that wise of manner which i had already noticed i found in the course of david of the day that this was the case miss mills having been unhappy in a affection and being understood to have retired from the world on her awful stock of experience but still to take a calm interest in the hopes and loves of youth but now mr came out of the house and went to him saying look papa what beautiful flowers and miss mills smiled thoughtfully as who should say ye may flies enjoy your brief existence in the bright morning of life and we all walked from the lawn towards the carriage which was getting ready i shall never have such a ride again i have never had such another there were only those three their my and the in the and of course the was open and i rode behind it and sat with her back to the horses looking towards me she kept the close to her on the cushion and wouldn t allow to sit on that side of her at all for fear he should crush it she often carried it in her hand often refreshed herself with its fragrance our eyes at those times often met and my great astonishment is that i didn t go over the head of my gallant grey into the carriage there was dust i believe there was a good deal of dust i believe i have a faint impression that mr remonstrated with me for riding in it but i knew of none i was sensible of a mist of love and beauty about but of nothing else he stood up sometimes and asked me what i thought of the prospect i said it was delightful and i it was but it was all to me the sun shone and the birds sang the south wind blew and the wild flowers in the hedges were all to a bud my comfort is miss mills understood me miss mills alone could enter into my feelings thoroughly i don t know how long we were going and to this hour i know as little where we went perhaps it was near perhaps some night opened up the place for the day and shut it for ever when we came away it was a green spot on a hill with soft turf there were shady trees and and as far as the eye could see a rich landscape it was a trying thing to find people here waiting for us and my jealousy even of the ladies knew no bounds but all of my own sex especially one three or years my elder with a red on which he established an amount of presumption not be endured were my mortal foes we all our baskets and employed ourselves in getting dinner ready bed pretended he could make a which i don t believe and himself on public notice some of the young ladies washed the for him and them under his directions was among these i felt that fate had me against this man and one of us must fall bed made his i wondered how they could eat it nothing should have induced me to touch it and himself into the charge of the wine cellar which he constructed being an ingenious beast in the hollow trunk of a tree by and by i saw him with the majority of a on his plate eating his dinner at the feet of i have but an indistinct idea of what happened for some time after this the personal history and experience object presented itself to my view i was very merry i know but it was hollow merriment i attached myself to a young creature in pink with little eyes and with her desperately she received my attentions with favour but whether on my account solely or because she had any designs on red i can t say b health was drunk when i drank it i to interrupt my conversation for that purpose and to resume it immediately afterwards i caught s eye as i bowed to her and i thought it looked appealing but it looked at me over the head of red and i was the young creature in pink had a mother in green and i rather think the latter separated us from motives of policy there was a general breaking up of the party while the of the dinner were being put away and i strolled by myself among the trees in a raging and state i was whether i should pretend that i was not well and fly i don t know where upon my gallant grey when and miss mills met me mr said miss mills you are dull i begged her pardon not at all and said miss mills you are dull oh dear no not in the least mr and said miss mills with an almost venerable air enough of this do not allow a trivial misunderstanding to the blossoms of spring which once
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many times i went up and down the street and round the square painfully aware of being a much better answer to the old riddle than the original one before i could persuade myself to go up the steps and knock is no matter now even when at last i had knocked and was waiting at the door i had some thought of asking if that were mr s in imitation of poor begging pardon and retreating but i kept my ground mr mills was not at home i did not expect he would be nobody wanted miss mills was at home miss mills would do i was shown into a room upstairs where miss mills and were was there miss mills was music i recollect it was a new song called affection s and was painting flowers what were my feelings when i recognised my own flowers the identical garden market chase i cannot say that they were very like or that they particularly resembled any flowers that have ever come under my observation but i knew from the paper round them which was accurately copied what the composition was miss mills was very glad to see me and very sorry her papa was not at home though i thought we all bore that with fortitude miss mills was for a few minutes and then laying down her pen upon affection s got up and left the room i began to think i would put it off till to morrow i hope your poor horse was not tired when he got home at night said lifting up her beautiful eyes it was a long way for him i began to think i would do it to day it was a long way for mm said i for he had nothing to him on the journey wasn t he fed poor thing asked i began to think i would pat it off till to morrow ye yes i said he was well taken care of i mean he had not the unutterable happiness that i had in being so near you bent her head over her drawing and said after a little while i had sat in the interval in a burning fever and with my legs in a very rigid state you didn t seem to be sensible of that happiness yourself at one time of the day i saw now that i was in for it and it must be done on the spot you didn t care for that happiness in the least said slightly raising her eyebrows and shaking her head when you were sitting by miss i should observe was the name of the creature in pink with the little eyes though certainly i don t know why you should said or why of david you should call it a happiness at all but of course you don t mean what you say and i am sure no one doubts your being at liberty to do whatever you like you naughty boy come here i don t know how i did it i did it in a moment i i had in my arms i was full of eloquence i never stopped for a word i told her how i loved her i told her i should die without her i told her that i and worshipped her madly all the time when hung her head and cried and trembled my eloquence increased so much the more if she would like me to die for her she had but to say the word and i was ready life without s love was not a thing to have on any terms i couldn t bear it and i wouldn t i had loved her every minute day and night since i first saw her i loved her at that minute to distraction i should always love her every minute to distraction lovers had loved before and lovers would love again but no lover had ever loved might could would or should ever love as i loved the more i the more each of us in his own way got more mad every moment well well and i were sitting on the sofa by and by quiet enough and was lying in her lap peacefully at me it was my mind i was in a state of perfect rapture and i were engaged i suppose we had some notion that this was to end in marriage we must have had some because that we were never to be married without her papa s consent but in our youthful i don t think that we really looked before us or behind us or had any beyond the ignorant present we were to keep our secret from mr but i am sure the idea never entered my head then that there was anything in that miss mills was more than usually pensive when going to find her brought her back i apprehend because there was a tendency in what had passed to awaken the echoes in the of memory but she gave us her blessing and the assurance of her lasting friendship and spoke to us generally as became a voice from the what an idle time it was what an happy foolish time it was when i measured s finger for a ring that was to be made of me and when the to whom i took the measure found me out and laughed over his order book and charged me anything he liked for the pretty little toy with its blue stones so associated in my remembrance with s hand that yesterday when i saw such another by chance on the finger of my own daughter there was a momentary stirring in my heart like pain when i walked about exalted with my secret and full of my own interest and felt the dignity of loving and of being beloved
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so much that if i had walked the air i could not have been more above the people not so situated who were creeping on the earth when we had those meetings in the garden of the square and sat within the dingy summer house so happy that i love the london to this hour for nothing else and see the of the in their smoky feathers the personal history and experience when we had our first great quarrel within a week of our and when sent me back the enclosed in a despairing note wherein she used the terrible expression that our love had begun in folly and ended in which dreadful words occasioned me to tear my hair and cry tliat all was over when under cover of the night i flew to miss mills whom i saw by in a back kitchen where there was a and implored miss mills to between us and insanity when miss mills undertook the office and returned with us from the pulpit of her own bitter youth to mutual concession and the of the desert of w we cried and made it up and were so again that the and all changed to love s own temple where we arranged a plan of correspondence through miss mills always to comprehend at least one letter on each side every day what an idle time what an happy foolish time of all the times of mine that time has in his grip there is none that in one i can smile at half so much and think of half so tenderly my aunt me i wrote to as soon as and i were engaged i wrote her a long letter in which i tried to make her comprehend how i was and what a darling was i entreated not to regard this as a thoughtless passion which could ever yield to any other or had the least resemblance to the boyish fancies that we used to joke about i assured her that its was quite and expressed my belief that nothing like it had ever been known somehow as i wrote to on a fine evening by my open window and the remembrance of her clear calm eyes and gentle face came stealing over me it shed such a peaceful influence upon the and agitation in which i had living lately and of which my very happiness partook in some degree that it soothed me into tears i remember that i sat resting my head upon my hand when the letter was half done a general fancy as if were one of the elements of my natural home as if in the retirement of the house made almost sacred to me by her presence and i must be happier than anywhere as if in love joy sorrow hope or disappointment in all emotions my heart turned naturally there and found its refuge and best friend of i said nothing i only told her there had been sad grief at on account of s flight and that on me it made a op david double wound by reason of the circumstances attending it i knew how quick she always was to divine the truth and that she would er be the first to breathe his name to this letter i received an answer by return of post as i read it i seemed to hear speaking to me it was like her cordial voice in my ears what can i say more while i had been away from home lately had called twice or thrice finding within and being informed by who always volunteered that information to would receive it that she was my old nurse he had established a good humoured acquaintance with her and had stayed to have a little chat with her about me so said but i am afraid the chat was all on her own side and of length as she was very difficult indeed to stop god bless her when she had me for her theme this reminds me not only that i expected on a certain afternoon of own which was now come but that mrs had resigned everything to her office the salary until should cease to present herself mi s after holding divers conversations respecting in a very high pitched voice on the staircase with some invisible familiar it would appear for speaking she was quite alone at those times addressed a letter to me developing her views beginning it with that statement of universal application which fitted every occurrence of her life namely that she was a mother herself she went on to inform me that she had once seen very different days but that at all periods of her existence she had had a constitutional objection to and she named no names she said let them the cap fitted wear it but and especially in weeds this was she had ever accustomed herself to look down upon if a gentleman was the victim of and but still no names that was his own pleasure he had a right to please himself so let him do all that she mrs for was that she should not be brought in contract with such persons therefore she begged to be excused from any further attendance on the top set until things was as they formerly was and as they could be wished to be and further mentioned that her little book would be found upon the breakfast table every saturday morning when she requested an immediate settlement of the same with the benevolent view of saving trouble and an ill to all parties after this mrs confined herself to making on the stairs principally with and endeavouring to into breaking her legs i found it rather to live in this state of siege but was too much afraid of mrs to see any way out of it my dear cried appearing at my door
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in spite of all these obstacles how do you do my dear said i i am delighted to see you at last and very sorry i have not been at home before but i have been so much engaged yes yes i know said of course tour s lives in london i think the personal history and experience what did you say she excuse me miss d you know said colouring ia his great delicacy lives in london i believe oh yes near london mine perhaps you recollect said with a serious look lives down in one of ten consequently i am not so much engaged as you in that sense i wonder you can bear i returned to see her so seldom said thoughtfully it does seem a wonder i suppose it is because there s no help for it i suppose so i replied with a smile and not without a blush and because you have so much constancy and patience dear me said considering about it do i strike you in that way i didn t know that i had but she is such an dear girl herself that it s possible she may have imparted something of those virtues to me now you mention it i shouldn t wonder at all i assure you she is always forgetting herself and taking care of the other nine is she the eldest i inquired oh dear no said the eldest is a beauty he saw i suppose that i could not help smiling at the simplicity of this reply and added with a smile upon his own face not of course but that my pretty name i always think very pretty said i not of course but that is beautiful too in my eyes and would be one of the dearest girls that ever was in anybody s eyes i should think but when i say the eldest is a beauty i mean she really is a he seemed to be describing clouds about himself with both hands splendid you know said indeed said i oh i assure you said something very uncommon indeed then you know being formed for society and admiration and not being able to enjoy much of it in consequence of their limited means she naturally gets a irritable and sometimes puts her in good humour is the youngest i oh dear no said his chin the two youngest are only nine and ten em the second daughter perhaps i no said s the second has something the matter with her poor girl the malady will wear out by aud by the doctors say but in the meantime she has to lie down for a nurses her s the fourth is the mother living i inquired oh yes said she is alive she is a very superior woman indeed but the damp country is not adapted to her constitution and in fact she has lost the use of her limbs dear me said i very sad is it not returned but in a merely domestic of david view it is not so bad as it be because takes her place she is quite as much a mother to her mother as she is to the other nine felt the greatest admiration for the virtues of this young lady and honestly with the view of doing my best to prevent the good nature of from being imposed upon to the of their joint prospects in life inquired how mr was he is quite well thank you said i am not living with him at present no no you see the truth is said in a whisper he has changed his name to in consequence of his temporary and he don t come out till after dark and then in spectacles there was an execution put into our house for rent mrs was in such a dreadful state that i really couldn t resist giving my name to that second bill we spoke of here you may imagine how delightful it was to my feelings to see the matter settled with it and mrs recover her spirits hum said i not that her happiness was of long duration pursued for unfortunately within a week another execution came in it broke up the establishment i have been living in a furnished apartment since then and the have been very private indeed i hope you won t think it selfish if i mention that the carried off my little round table with the marble top and s flower pot and stand what a hard thing i exclaimed indignantly it was a it was a pull said with his usual at that expression i don t mention it reproachfully however but with a motive the fact is i was unable to them at the time of their in the first place because the having an idea that i wanted them ran the price up to an extravagant extent and in the second place because i hadn t any money now i have kept my eye since upon the s shop said with a great enjoyment of his mystery which is up at the top of court road and at last to day i find them put out for sale i have only noticed them from over the way because if the saw me bless you he d ask any price for them what has occurred to me having now the money is that perhaps you wouldn t object to ask that good nurse of yours to come with me to the shop i can show it her from round the comer of the next street and make the best bargain for them as if they were for herself that she can the delight with which this plan to me and the sense he had of its uncommon are among the things in my remembrance i told him
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that my old nurse would be delighted to assist him and that we would all three take the field together but on one condition that condition was that he should make a solemn resolution to grant no more of his name or anything else to mr my dear said i have already done so because i begin to feel that i have not only been but that i have been positively unjust to my word being passed to myself the personal history and experience there is no longer any apprehension but pledge it to you too with the greatest readiness that first unlucky obligation i have paid i have no doubt mr would have paid it if he could but he could not one thing i ought to mention which i like very much in mr it to the second obligation which is not yet due he don t tell me that it is provided for but he says it will be now i think there is something very fair and honest about that i was unwilling to damp my good friend s confidence and therefore assented after a little further conversation we went round to the s shop to declining to pass the evening with me both because he endured the apprehensions that his property would be bought by somebody else before he could re purchase it and because it was the evening he always devoted to writing to the dearest girl in the world i never shall et him peeping round the corner of the street ia court while was for the precious articles or his agitation when she came slowly towards us after vainly offering a price and was hailed by the aud w ent back again the end of the was that she bought the property on tolerably easy terms and was transported with pleasure i am very much obliged to you indeed said on hearing it was to be sent to where he lived that night if i might ask one other favor i hope you wouldn t think it absurd i said beforehand certainly not then if you be good enough said to to get the flower pot now i think i should like it being s to carry it home myself was glad to get it for him and he overwhelmed her with thanks and went his way up court carrying the affectionately in his arms with one of the most delighted expressions of countenance i ever saw we then turned back towards my chambers as the shops had charms for which i never knew them possess in the same degree for anybody else i sauntered easily along amused by her staring in at the windows and waiting for her as often as she chose we were thus a good while in getting to the on our way upstairs i called her attention to the sudden disappearance of mrs s and also to the prints of recent footsteps we were both very much surprised coming higher up to find my outer door standing open which i had shut and to hear voices inside we looked at one another without knowing what to make of this and went into the sitting room what was my amazement to find of all people upon earth my aunt there and mr dick my aunt sitting on a quantity of luggage with her two birds before her and her cat on her knee like a female drinking tea mr dick leaning thoughtfully on a great such as we had often been out together to fly with more luggage piled about him my dear aunt i cried i why what an unexpected pleasure we cordially embraced and mr dick and i cordially shook hands and mrs who was busy making tea and could not be too attentive v w of david cordially said she had well as mr would have hia heart in his mouth when he see his dear relations said my aunt to before her awful presence how are you you remember my aunt said i for the love of goodness child exclaimed my aunt don t call the woman by that south sea island name if she married and got rid of it which was the best thing she could do why don t you give her the benefit of the change what s your name now p said my aunt as a compromise for the ma am said with a well that s human said my aunt it sounds less as if you wanted a missionary how d ye do i hope you re well encouraged by these gracious words and by my aunt s extending her hand came forward and took the hand and her we are older than we were i see said my aunt we have only met each other once before you know a nice business we made of it then trot my dear another cup i handed it to my aunt who was in her usual state of figure and ventured a remonstrance with her on the subject of her sitting on a box let me draw the sofa here or the easy chair aunt said i why should you be so uncomfortable thank you trot my aunt i prefer to sit upon my property here my aunt looked hard at mrs and observed we needn t trouble you to wait ma am shall i put a little more tea in the pot afore i go ma am said mrs no i thank you ma am replied my aunt would you let me fetch another pat of butter ma am said mrs or would you be persuaded to try a new laid or should i a ain t there nothing i could do for your dear aunt mr nothing ma am returned my aunt i shall do very well i thank you mrs who had been incessantly smiling to express sweet temper and incessantly holding her head
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on one side to express a general of constitution and incessantly rubbing her hands to express a to be of service to all deserving objects gradually smiled herself one sided herself and rubbed herself out of the room dick said my aunt you know what i told you about and wealth mr dick with rather a scared look as if he had forgotten it returned a hasty answer in the affirmative mrs is one of them said my aunt i trouble you to look after the tea and let me have another cup for i don t fancy that woman s pouring out i knew my aunt sufficiently well to know that she had something of importance on her mind and that there was far more matter in this the personal history and experience arrival than a stranger might have supposed i noticed how her eye lighted on me when she thought my attention otherwise occupied and what a curious process of hesitation appeared to be going on within her while she preserved her outward and composure i began to reflect whether i had done anything to offend her and my conscience whispered me that i had not yet told her about could it by any means be that i wondered as i knew she would only speak in her own good time i sat down near her and spoke to the birds and played with the cat and was as easy as i could be but i was veiy far from being really easy and i should still have been so even if mr dick leaning over the great behind my aunt had not taken every secret opportunity of shaking his head darkly at me and pointing at her trot said my aunt at last when she had finished her tea and carefully smoothed down her dress and wiped her lips you needn t go trot have you got to be firm and self i hope so aunt what do you think inquired miss i think so aunt then why my love said my aunt looking earnestly at me why do you think i prefer to sit upon this property of mine to night i shook my head unable to guess because said my aunt it s all i have because i m ruined my dear if the house and every one of us had tumbled out into the river together i could hardly have received a greater shock dick knows it said my aunt laying her hand calmly on my shoulder i am ruined my dear trot all i have in the world is in this room except the cottage and that i have left to let i want to get a bed for this gentleman to night to save expense perhaps you can make up something here for myself anything will do it s only for to night we talk about this more to morrow i was roused from my amazement and concern for her i am sure for her by her falling on my neck for a moment and crying that she only grieved for me in another moment she suppressed this emotion and said with an aspect more triumphant than dejected we must meet boldly and not suffer them to us my dear we must learn to act the play out we must live misfortune down trot of david chapter depression as soon as i could recover my presence of mind which quite deserted me in the first overpowering shock of my aunt s intelligence i proposed to mr dick to come round to the s shop and take possession of the bed which mr had lately the s shop being in market and market being a very different place in those days there was a low wooden before the door not very unlike that before the house where the little man and woman used to live in the old weather glass which pleased mr dick the glory of lodging over this structure would have him i dare say for many but as there were really few to bear beyond the compound of i have already mentioned and perhaps the want of a little more elbow room he was perfectly charmed with his accommodation mrs had indignantly assured him that there wasn t room to swing a cat there but as mr dick justly observed to me sitting down on the foot of the bed nursing his leg you know i don t want to swing a cat i never do swing a cat therefore what does that signify to me i tried to ascertain whether mr dick had any understanding of the causes of this sudden and great change in my aunt s affairs as i might have expected he had none at all the only account he could give of it was that my aunt had said to him the day before yesterday now dick are you really and truly the philosopher i take you for that then he had said yes he hoped so that then my aunt had said dick i am ruined that then he had said oh indeed that then my aunt had praised him highly which he was very glad of and that then they had come to me and had had porter and on the road mr dick was so very complacent sitting on the foot of the bed nursing his leg and telling me this with his eyes wide open and a surprised smile that am sorry to say i was provoked into explaining to him that ruin meant distress want and starvation but i was soon bitterly for this by seeing his face turn pale and tears course down his lengthened cheeks while he fixed upon me a look of such unutterable woe that it might have softened a far harder heart than mine i took infinitely greater pains to cheer him up again than i had taken
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to him and i soon understood as i ought to have known at first that he had been so confident merely because of his faith in the wisest and most wonderful of women and his unbounded reliance on my intellectual i the latter i he considered a match for any kind of disaster not absolutely mortal what can we do said mr dick there s the a a tim personal history and e to be sure there is said i but all we can do just now mr dick is to keep a cheerful countenance and not let my aunt see that we are thinking about it he assented to this in the most earnest manner and implored me if i should see him wandering an inch out of the right course to him by some of those superior methods which were always at my command but i regret to state that the fright i had given him proved too much for his best attempts at concealment all the evening his eyes wandered to my aunt s face with an expression of the most dismal apprehension as if he saw her growing thin on the spot he was conscious of this and put a upon his head but his keeping that immovable and sitting his eyes like a piece of machinery did not mend the matter at all i saw him look at the loaf at supper which happened to be a small one as if nothing else stood between us and famine and when my aunt insisted on his making his customary i detected him in the act of fragments of his bread and cheese i have no doubt for the purpose of us with those when we should have reached an advanced stage of my aunt on the other hand was in a composed frame of mind which was a lesson to all of us to me i am sure was extremely gracious to except when i called her by that name and strange as i knew she felt in london appeared quite at home she was to have my bed and i was to lie in the sitting room to keep guard over her she made a great point of so near the river in case of a and i suppose really did find some satisfaction in that circumstance trot my dear said my aunt when she saw me making preparations for her usual night draught no nothing aunt not wine my dear ale but there is wine here aunt and you always have it made of wine keep that in case of sickness said ray aunt we mustn t use it carelessly trot ale for me half a pint i thought mr dick would have fallen insensible my aunt being resolute i went out and got the ale myself as it was growing late and mr dick took that opportunity of to the s shop together i parted from him poor fellow at the corner of the street with his great at his back a very monument of human my aunt was walking up and down the room when i returned the borders of her with her fingers i warmed the ale and made the toast on the usual principles when it was ready for her she was ready for it with her on and the skirt of her gown turned back on her knees my dear said my aunt after taking a of it it s a great deal better than wine not half so i suppose i looked doubtful for she added tut tut child if nothing worse than ale happens to us we are well off i should think so myself aunt i am sure said well then why don t you think so said my aunt of david because you and i are very different people i returned and nonsense trot replied my aunt my aunt went on with a quiet enjoyment in which there was very little affectation if any drinking the warm ale with a and her of toast in it trot said she i don t care for strange faces in general but i rather like that of yours do you know it s better than a hundred pounds to hear you say so said i it s a most extraordinary world observed my aunt rubbing her nose how that woman ever got into it with that name is unaccountable to me it would be much more easy to be born a or something of that sort one would think perhaps she thinks so too it s not her fault said i i suppose not returned my aunt rather the admission but it s very however she s now that s some comfort is uncommonly fond of you trot there is nothing she would leave undone to prove it said i nothing i believe returned my aunt here the poor fool has been begging and praying about handing over some of her money because she has got too much of it a my aunt s tears of pleasure were positively down into the warm ale she s the most ridiculous creature that ever was born said my aunt i knew from the first moment when i saw her with that poor dear blessed baby of a mother of yours that she was the most ridiculous of mortals but there are good points in affecting to laugh she got an opportunity of putting her hand to her eyes having availed herself of it she resumed her toast and her discourse together ah mercy upon us sighed my aunt i know all about it trot and myself had quite a gossip while you were out with dick i know all about it i don t know where these wretched girls expect to go to for my part i wonder they don t knock out their brains against against said my aunt an idea which was probably suggested to
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lier by her contemplation of mine poor said i oh don t talk to me about poor returned my aunt she should have thought of that before she caused so much misery give me a kiss trot i am sorry for your early experience as i bent forward she put her on my knee to detain me and said oh trot trot and so you fancy yourself in love do you fancy aunt i exclaimed as red as i could be i her with my whole soul indeed returned my aunt and you mean to say the little thing is very fascinating i suppose my dear aunt i replied no one can form the least idea what she is ah and not silly said my aunt silly aunt a a the personal history and experience i seriously believe it had never once entered my head for a single moment to consider whether she was or not i resented the idea of course but i was in a manner struck by it as a new one altogether not light headed said my aunt light headed aunt i could only repeat this daring speculation with the same kind of feeling with which i had repeated the preceding question well well said my aunt i only ask i don t her poor little couple and so you think you were formed for one another and are to go through a party supper table kind of life like two pretty pieces of do you trot she asked me this so kindly and with such a gentle air half playful and half sorrowful that i was quite touched we are young and inexperienced aunt i know i replied and i dare say we say and think a good deal that is rather foolish but we love one another truly i am sure if i thought could ever love anybody else or cease to love me or that i could ever love anybody else or cease to love her i don t know what i should do go out of my mind i think ah trot said my aunt shaking her head and smiling gravely blind blind blind some one that i know trot my aunt pursued after a pause though of a very disposition has an earnestness of affection in him that reminds me of poor baby earnestness is what that somebody must look for to sustain him and improve him trot deep downright faithful earnestness if you only knew the earnestness of aunt i cried oh trot she said again blind blind and without knowing why i felt a vague unhappy loss or want of something me like a cloud however said my aunt i don t want to put two young creatures out of conceit with themselves or to make them so though it is a girl and boy attachment and girl and boy very often mind i don t say always come to nothing still we be serious about it and hope for a prosperous issue one of these days there s time enough for it to come to anything this was not upon the whole very comforting to a lover but i was glad to have my aunt in my confidence and i was of her being fatigued so i thanked her for this mark of her affection and for all her other towards me and after a tender good night she took her into my bedroom how miserable i when i lay down how i thought and thought about my being poor in mr s eyes about my not being what i thought i was when i proposed to about the necessity of telling what my worldly condition was and her from her engagement if she thought fit about how i should contrive to live during the long term of my articles when i was earning nothing about doing something to assist my aunt and seeing no way of doing anything about coming down to have no money in my pocket and to wear a shabby coat and to be able to carry no little presents and to ride no gallant and to show myself in no agreeable light sordid and selfish as i knew it was and as i tortured myself by knowing that it was of david to let my mind run on my own distress so much i was so devoted to that i could not help it i knew that it was base in me not to think more of my aunt and less of myself but so far selfishness was inseparable from and i could not put on one side for any mortal creature how exceedingly miserable i was that night as to sleep i had dreams of poverty in all sorts of shapes but t seemed to dream without the previous ceremony of going to sleep now was ragged wanting to sell matches six bundles for a now i was at the office in a and boots remonstrated with by mr on appearing before the in that airy attire now i was picking up the that fell from old s daily regularly eaten when saint paul s struck one now i was hopelessly endeavouring to get a license to marry having nothing but one of s gloves to offer in exchange which the whole rejected and still more or less conscious of my own room i was always tossing about like a distressed ship in a sea of bed clothes my aunt was restless too for i frequently heard her walking to and fro two or three times in the course of the night attired in a long flannel in which she looked seven feet high she appeared like a disturbed ghost in my room and came to the side of the sofa on which i lay on the first occasion i started up in alarm to learn that she inferred from a particular light in the sky that westminster abbey
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was on fire and to be consulted in reference to the probability of its street in case the wind changed lying still after that i found that she sat down near me whispering to herself poor boy and then it made me twenty times more wretched to know how she was of me and how i was of myself it was difficult to believe that a night so long to me could be short to anybody else this consideration set me thinking and thinking of an imaginary party where people were dancing the hours away until that became a dream too and i heard the music incessantly playing one tune and saw incessantly dancing one dance taking the least notice of me the man who had been playing the harp all night was trying in vain to cover it with an ordinary sized when i awoke or i should rather say when i left ofi trying to go to sleep and saw the sun shining in through the window at last there was an old bath in those days at the bottom of one of the streets out of the strand it may be there still in which i have had many a cold plunge dressing myself as quietly as i could and leaving to look after my aunt i tumbled head foremost into it and then went for a walk to i had a hope that this brisk treatment might my wits a little and i think it did them good for i soon came to the conclusion that the first step i ought to take was to try if my articles could be and the recovered i got some breakfast on the heath and walked back to doctors along the watered roads and through a pleasant smell of summer flowers growing in gardens and carried into town on heads intent ou this first effort to meet our altered circumstances i arrived at the office so soon after all that i had half an hour s about the before old who was always first appeared with his key then i sat down in my shady corner looking up at the sunlight the personal history and experience on the opposite chimney pots and thinking about until mr came in crisp and curly how are you said he fine morning beautiful morning sir said i could i say a word to you before you go into court by all means said he come into my room i followed him into his room and he began putting on his gown and touching himself up before a little glass he had hanging inside a closet door i am sorry to say said i that i have some rather intelligence from my aunt no said he dear me not i hope it has no reference to her health sir i replied she has met with some large losses in fact she has very little left indeed you as me cried mr i shook my head indeed sir said i her affairs are so changed that i wished to ask you whether it would be possible at a sacrifice on our part of some portion of the of course i put in this on the spur of the moment warned by the blank expression of his face to my articles what it cost me to make this proposal nobody knows it was like asking as a favor to be to from to your articles i explained with tolerable firmness that i really did not know where my means of were to come from unless i could earn them for myself i had no fear for the future i said and i laid great emphasis on that as if to imply that i should still be decidedly eligible for a law one of these days but for the present i was thrown upon my own resources i am extremely sorry to hear this said mr extremely sorry it is not usual to articles for any such reason it is not a professional course of proceeding it is not a convenient precedent at all far from it at the same time you are very good sir i murmured a concession not at all don t mention it said mr at the same time i was going to say if it had been my lot to have my hands if i had not a partner mr my hopes were dashed in a moment but i made another effort i o you think sir said i if i were to mention it to mr mr shook his head heaven forbid he replied that i should do any man an injustice still less mr but i know my partner mr is no a man to respond to a proposition of this peculiar nature mr is very difficult to move from the beaten track you know he is i am sure i knew nothing about him except that he had originally been alone in the business and now lived by himself in a house near m square which was fearfully in want of painting that he came very late of a day and went away very early that he never appeared to be consulted about and that he had a dingy little black hole of his own up stairs where no business was ever done and where there was a yellow old paper upon his desk by ink and reported to be twenty years of age ov david would you object to my it to him sir i asked by no means said mr but i liave some experience of mr i wish it were otherwise for i should be happy to meet your views in any respect i cannot have the least objection to your mentioning it to mr if you think it worth while myself of this permission which was given with a warm shake of the
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hand i sat thinking about and looking at the sunlight stealing from the chimney pots down the wall of the opposite house until mr came i then went up to mr s room and evidently astonished mr very much by making my appearance there come in mr said mr come in i went in and sat down and stated my case to mr pretty much as t had stated it to mr mr was not by any means the awful creature one might have expected but a large mild man of sixty who took so much snuff that there was a tradition in the that he lived principally on that having little room in his system for any other article of diet you have mentioned this to mr i suppose said mr when he had heard me very to an end i answered yes and told him that mr had introduced his name said i should object asked mr i was obliged to admit that mr had considered it probable i am sorry to say mr i can t advance your object said mr nervously the fact is but i have an appointment at the bank if you ll have the goodness to excuse me with that he rose in a great hurry and was going out of the room when i made bold to say that i feared then there was no way of arranging the matter no said mr stopping at the door to shake his head oh no i object you know which he said very rapidly and went out you must be aware mr he added looking in at the door again if mr objects personally he does not object sir said i oh personally repeated mr in an impatient manner i assure you there s an objection mr hopeless what you wish to be done can t be done i i really have got an appointment at the bank with that he fairly ran away and to the best of my knowledge it was three days before he showed himself in the again being very anxious to leave no stone i waited until mr came in and then described what had passed giving him to understand that i was not hopeless of his being able to soften the if he would undertake that task returned mr with a sagacious smile you have not known my partner mr as long as i have nothing is farther from my thoughts than to attribute any degree of to mr but mr has a way of stating his objections which people no shaking his head mr is not to be moved believe me the i history and experience i was completely bewildered between mr and mr as to which of them really was the partner but i saw with sufficient clearness that there was somewhere in the firm and that the recovery of my aunt s thousand pounds was out of the question in a state of despondency which remember with anything but satisfaction for i know it still had too much reference to myself though always in with i left the office and went homeward i w as trying to my mind with the worst and to present to myself the arrangements we should have to make for the future in their aspect when a chariot coming after me and stopping at my very feet occasioned me to look up a fair hand was stretched forth to me from the window and the face i had never seen without a feeling of serenity and happiness from the moment when it first turned back on the old oak staircase with the great broad and when i associated its softened beauty with the stained glass window ia the church was smiling on me i joyfully exclaimed oh my dear of all people in the world what a pleasure to see you is it indeed she said in her cordial voice i want to talk to you so much said i it s such a of my heart only to look at you if i had had a s cap there is no one i should have wished tor but you what returned well perhaps first i admitted with a blush certainly first i hope said laughing you next said i where are you going she was going to my rooms to see my aunt the day being very fine she was glad to come out of the chariot which smelt i had my head in it all this time like a stable put under a frame i dismissed the coachman and she took my arm and we walked on together she was like hope embodied to me how i felt in one short minute having at my side my aunt had written her one of the odd abrupt notes very little longer than a bank note to which her were usually limited she had stated therein that she had fallen into and was leaving for good but had quite made up her mind to it and was so well that nobody need be uncomfortable about her had come to london to see my aunt between whom and herself there had been a mutual liking these many years indeed it dated from the time of my taking up my residence in mr s house she was not alone she said her papa was with her and and now they are partners said i confound him yes said they have some business here and i took advantage of their coming to come too you must not think my visit all friendly and disinterested for i am afraid i may be cruelly prejudiced i do not like to let papa go away alone with him does he exercise the same influence over mr still shook her head there is such a change at home said she that you would scarcely know the dear
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mended my aunt concluded this philosophical summary by fixing her eyes with a kind of triumph on whose color was gradually returning dear miss is that all the history said i hope it s enough child said my aunt if there had been more money to lose it wouldn t have been all i dare say would have contrived to throw that after the rest and make another chapter i have little doubt but there was no more money and there s no more story had listened at first with suspended breath her color still came and went but she breathed more freely i thought i knew why i thought she had had some fear that her unhappy father might be in some way to blame for what had happened my aunt took her hand in hers and laughed is that all repeated my aunt why yes that s all except and she lived happy ever afterwards perhaps i may add that of yet one of these days now you have a wise head so have you trot in some things though i can t compliment you always and here my aunt shook her own at me with an energy peculiar to herself what s to be done here s the cottage taking one time with of david s another will produce say seventy pounds a year i think we may safely put it down at that well that s all we ve got said my aunt with whom it was an as it is with some horses to stop very short when she appeared to be in a fair way of going on for a long while then said my aunt after a rest there s dick he s good for a hundred a year but of course that must be expended on himself i would sooner send him away though i know i am the only person who him than have him and not spend his money on himself how can trot and i do best upon our means what do you say say aunt i interposed that i must do something go for a soldier do you mean returned my aunt alarmed or go to sea i won t hear of it you are to be a we re not going to have any on the head in this family if you please sir i was about to explain that i was not desirous of introducing that mode of provision into the family when inquired if my rooms were held for any long you come to the point my dear said my aunt they are not to be got rid of for six months at least unless they could be and that i don t believe the last man died here five people out of six would die of course of that woman in with the flannel i have a little ready money and i agree with you the best thing we can do is to live the term out here and get dick a bed room hard by i thought it my duty to hint at the discomfort my aunt would sustain from living in a continual state of warfare with mrs but she disposed of that objection by declaring that on the first demonstration of she was prepared to astonish mrs for the whole remainder of her natural life i have been thinking said that if you had time i have a good deal of time i am always disengaged after four or five o clock and i have time early in the morning in one way and another said i conscious of a little as i thought of the hours and hours i had devoted to about town and to and fro upon the i have abundance of time i know you would not mind said coming to me and speaking in a low voice so full of sweet and hopeful consideration that i hear it now the duties of a secretary mind my dear because continued doctor strong has acted on his intention of retiring and has come to live in london and he asked papa i know if he could recommend him one don t you think he would rather have his favorite old pupil near him than anybody else dear said i what should i do without you you are always my good angel i told you so i never think of you in any other light answered with her pleasant laugh that one good angel meaning was enough and went on to remind me that the doctor had been used to occupy himself in his study early in the morning and m the evening and that probably my leisure would suit his very well i was scarcely more delighted with the prospect of earning ray the personal history and experience own bread than with the hope of earning it under my old master in short acting on the advice of i sat down and wrote a letter to the doctor stating my object and to call on him next day at ten in the this i addressed to for in that place so memorable to me he lived and went out and posted myself without losing a minute wherever was some agreeable token of her noiseless presence seemed inseparable from the place when i came back i found my aunt s birds hanging just as they had hung so long in the parlor window of the cottage and my easy chair my aunt s much easier chair in its position at the open window and even the round green fan which my aunt had brought away with her on to the window sill i knew who had done all this by its seeming to have quietly done itself and i should have known in a moment who had arranged my neglected books in the old order of my school days even if i
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had supposed to be miles away instead of seeing her busy with them and smiling at the disorder into which they had fallen my aunt was quite gracious on the subject of the thames it really did look very well with the sun upon it though not like the sea before the cottage but she could not towards the london smoke which she said everything a complete revolution in which bore a prominent part was being effected in every corner of my rooms in regard of this and i was looking on thinking how little even seemed to do with a good deal of bustle and how much did without any bustle at all when a knock came at the door i think said turning pale it s papa he promised me that he would come i opened the door and admitted not only mr but i had not seen mr for some time i was prepared for a great change in him after what i had heard from but his appearance shocked me it was not that he looked many years older still dressed with the old scrupulous cleanliness or that there was an upon his face or that his eyes were full and or that there was a nervous trembling in his hand the cause of which i knew and had for some years seen at work it was not that he had lost his good looks or his old bearing of a gentleman for that he had not but the thing that struck me most was that with the evidences of his native superiority still upon him he should submit himself to that crawling of meanness the of the two natures in their relative positions s of power and mr s of dependence was a sight more painful to me than i can express if i had seen an taking command of a man i should hardly have thought it a more degrading spectacle he appeared to be only too conscious of it himself when he came in he stood still and with his head bowed as if he felt it this was only for a moment for softly said to him papa here is miss and whom you have not seen for a long while and then he approached and gave my aunt his hand and shook hands more cordially with me in the moment s pause i speak of i saw s countenance form itself into a most ill favored smile saw it too i think for she shrank from him op david what my aunt saw or did not see i defy the science of to have made out without her own consent i believe there never w s anybody with such an countenance when she chose her face might have been a dead wall on the occasion in question for any light it threw upon her thoughts until she broke silence with her usual well said my aunt and he looked up at her for the first time i have been telling your daughter how well i have been of my money for myself because i couldn t trust it to you as you were growing rusty in business matters we have been taking counsel together and getting on very well all things considered is worth the whole firm in my opinion if i may make the remark said with a i fully agree with miss and should be only too if miss was a partner you re a partner yourself you know returned my aunt and that s about enough for you i expect how do you find yourself sir in acknowledgment of this question addressed to him with extraordinary mr clutching the blue bag he carried replied that he was pretty well he thanked my aunt and hoped she was the same and you master i should say pursued i hope i see you well i am rejoiced to see you even under present circumstances i believed that for he seemed to relish them very much present circumstances is not what your friends would wish for you but it isn t money makes the man it s i am really unequal with my powers to express what it is said with a jerk but it isn t money here he shook hands with me not in the common way but standing at a good distance from me and lifting my hand up and down like a pump handle that he was a little afraid of and how do you think we are looking master i should say don t you find mr blooming sir years don t tell much in our firm master except in raising up the namely mother and self and in developing he added as an after thought the namely miss he jerked himself about after this compliment in such an intolerable manner that my aunt who had sat looking straight at him lost all patience deuce take the man said my aunt sternly what s he about don t be sir i ask your pardon miss returned i m aware you re nervous go along with you sir said my aunt anything but appeased don t presume to say so i am nothing of the sort if you re an sir conduct yourself like one if you re a man control your limbs sir good god said my aunt with great indignation i am not going to be and out of my senses mr was rather abashed as most people might have been by this explosion which derived great additional force from the indignant manner in which my aunt afterwards moved in her chair and shook her the and head as if she were making or at him but he said to me aside in a meek voice i am well aware master that miss though an excellent lady has a quick temper indeed i think i had the pleasure
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of knowing her when i was a clerk before you did master and it s only natural i am sure that it should be made quicker by present circumstances the wonder is that it isn t much worse i only called to say that if there was anything we could do in present circumstances mother or self or and we should be really glad i may go so far said with a sickly smile at his partner said mi in a monotonous forced way is active in the business what he says i quite in you know i had an old interest in you apart from that what says i quite in oh what a reward it is said drawing up one leg at the risk of bringing down upon himself another from my aunt to be so trusted in but i hope i am able to do something to relieve him from the of business master is a great relief to me said mr in the same dull voice it s a load off my mind to have such a partner the red fox made him say all this i knew to exhibit him to me in the light he had indicated the night when he poisoned my rest i saw the same ill favored smile upon his face again and saw how he watched me you are not going papa said anxiously w ill you not walk back with and me he would have looked to i believe before replying if that worthy had not anticipated him i am myself said on business otherwise i should have been to have kept with my friends but i leave my partner to represent the firm miss ever yours i wish you good day master and leave my respects for miss with those words he retired kissing his great hand and at us like a mask we sat there talking about our pleasant old days an hour or two mr left to soon became more like his self though there was a settled depression upon him he never shook off for all that he brightened and had an evident pleasure in hearing us recall the little incidents of our old life many of which he remembered very well he said it was like those times to be alone with and me again and he wished to heaven they had never changed i sure there was an influence in the placid face of and in the very touch of her hand upon his arm that did wonders for him my aunt who was busy nearly all this while with in the inner room would not accompany us to the place where they were staying but insisted on my going and i went we dined together after dinner sat beside him as of old and poured out his wine he took what she gave him and no more like a child and we all three sat together at a window as the evening gathered in when it was almost dark he lay down on a sofa his head and bending over him a little while and when she came back to the window it was not so dark but i could see tears glittering in her eyes david i pray heaven that i never may forget the dear girl in her love and truth at that time of my life for if i should i must be drawing near the end and then i would desire to remember her best she filled my heart such good resolutions strengthened my weakness so by her example so directed i know not how she was too modest and gentle to advise me in many words the wandering and unsettled purpose within me that all the little good i have done and all the harm i have i solemnly believe i may refer to her and how she spoke to me of sitting at the window in the dark listened to my praises of her praised again and round the little shed some glimpses of her own pure light that made it yet more precious and more innocent to me oh sister of my boyhood if i had known then what i knew long afterwards there was a beggar in the street when i w ent down and as i turned my head towards the window thinking of her calm eyes he made me start by muttering as if he were an echo of the morning blind enthusiasm i began the next day with another into the bath and then started for i was not now i was not afraid of the shabby coat and had no after gallant my whole manner of thinking of our late misfortune was changed what i had to do was to show my aunt that her past goodness to me had not been thrown away on an insensible ungrateful object what i had to do was to turn the painful discipline of my younger days to account by going to w with a resolute and steady heart what i had to do was to take my s axe in my hand and clear my own way through the forest of difficulty by cutting down the trees until i came to and i went on at a mighty rate as if it could be done by walking when i found myself on the familiar road pursuing such a different errand from that old one of pleasure with which it was associated it seemed as if a complete change had come on my whole life but that did not me with the new life came new purpose new intention great was the labor the reward was the reward and must be won i got into such a transport that i felt quite sorry my coat was not a little shabby already i wanted to be cutting at those trees in the forest of difficulty under circumstances that
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should prove my strength i had a good mind to ask an old man in wire spectacles who was breaking stones upon the road to lend me his hammer for a little while and let me begin to beat a path to out of granite i stimulated myself into such a heat and got so out of breath that i felt as if i had been earning the personal history and experience i don t know how much in this state i went into a cottage that i to let and examined it narrowly for i felt it necessary to be practical it would do for me and admirably with a little front garden for to run about in and bark at the through the and a capital room up stairs for my aunt i came out again and faster than ever and dashed up to at such a rate that i was there an hour too early and though had not been should have been obliged to stroll about to cool myself before i was at all my first care after putting myself under this necessary course of preparation was to find the doctor s house it was not in that part of where mrs lived but quite on the opposite side of the little town when i had made this discovery i went back in an attraction i could not resist to a lane by mrs s and looked over the corner of the garden wall his room was shut up close the doors were standing open and was walking with a quick impetuous step up and down a gravel walk on one side of the lawn she gave me the idea of some fierce thing that was dragging the length of its chain to and fro upon a beaten track and wearing its heart out i came softly away from my place of observation and avoiding that part of the neighbourhood and wishing i had not gone near it strolled about until it was ten o clock the church with the slender spire that stands on the top of the hill now was not there then to tell me the time an old red brick mansion used as a school was in its place and a fine old house it must have been to go to school at as i recollect it when i approached the doctor s cottage a pretty old place on which he seemed to have expended some money if i might judge from the and that had the look of being just completed i saw him walking in the garden at the side and all as if he had never left ofl walking since the days of my he had his old companions about him too for there were plenty of high trees in the neighbourhood and too or three were on the grass looking after him as if they had been written to about him by the and were observing him closely in consequence knowing the utter of his attention from that distance i made bold to open the gate and walk after him so as to meet him when he should turn round when he did and came towards me he looked at me thoughtfully for a few moments evidently without thinking about me at all and then his benevolent face expressed extraordinary pleasure and he took me by both hands why my dear said the doctor you are a man how do you do i am delighted to see you my dear how very much you have improved you are quite yes dear me i hoped he was well and mrs strong too oh dear yes said the doctor s quite well and she be delighted to see you you were always her favorite she said so last night when i showed her your letter and yes to be sure you recollect mr jack perfectly sir of course said the doctor to be sure he pretty well too has he come home sir i inquired of david from india said the doctor yes mr jack couldn t bear the climate my dear mrs you have not forgotten mrs forgotten the old soldier and in that short time mrs said the doctor was quite vexed about him poor thing so we have got him at home again and we have bought him a little patent place which with him much better i knew enough of mr jack to suspect from this account that it was a place where there was not much to do and which was pretty well paid the doctor walking up and down with his hand on my shoulder his kind face turned to mine went on now my dear in to this proposal of yours it s very gratifying and agreeable to me i am sure but don t you think you could do better you achieved distinction you know when you were with us you are qualified for many good things you have laid a foundation that any edifice may be raised upon and is it not a pity that you should devote the spring time of your life to such a poor pursuit as i can offer i became very glowing again and expressing myself in a style i am afraid urged my request strongly reminding the doctor that i had already a profession well well returned the doctor that s true certainly your having a profession and being actually engaged in studying it makes a difference but my good young friend what s seventy pounds a year it our income doctor strong said i dear me replied the doctor to think of that not that i mean to say it s rigidly limited to seventy pounds a year because i have always contemplated making any young friend i might thus employ a present too undoubtedly said the doctor still walking me up and down
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with his hand on my shoulder i have always taken an annual present into account my dear said i now really without any nonsense to whom i owe more obligations already than i ever can acknowledge no no interposed the doctor pardon me if you will take such time as i have and that is my mornings and e and can think it worth seventy pounds a year you will do me such a service as i cannot express dear me said the doctor innocently to think that so little should go for so much i dear dear and when you can do better you will on your word now said the doctor which he had always made a very grave appeal to the honor of us boys on my word sir i returned answering in our old school manner then be it so said the doctor clapping me on the shoulder and still keeping his hand there as we still walked up and down and i shall be twenty times happier sir said i with a little i hope innocent flattery if my employment is to be on the dictionary the doctor stopped clapped me on the shoulder again and exclaimed with a triumph most delightful to behold as if i had penetrated to the depths of mortal sagacity my dear young friend you have hit it it is the dictionary b b the personal history and experience how could it be anything else his pockets were as full of it as his head it was sticking out of him in all directions he told me that since his retirement from life he had been advancing with it wonderfully and that nothing could suit him better than the proposed arrangements for morning and evening work as it was his custom to walk about in the day time with his considering cap on his papers were in a little confusion in consequence of mr jack having lately proffered his occasional services as an and not being accustomed to that occupation but we should soon put right what was amiss and go on afterwards when we were fairly at our work i found mr jack s efforts more troublesome to me than i had expected as he had not confined himself to making numerous mistakes but had so many soldiers and ladies heads over the doctor s manuscript that i often became involved in of obscurity the doctor was quite happy in the prospect of our going to work together on that wonderful performance and we settled to begin next morning at seven o clock we were to work two hours every morning and two or three hours every night except on when i was to rest on sundays of course i was to rest also and i considered these very easy terms our plans being thus arranged to our mutual satisfaction the doctor took me into the house to present me to mrs strong whom we found in the doctor s new study his books a freedom which he never permitted anybody else to take with those sacred they had postponed their breakfast on my account and we sat down to table together we had not been seated long when i saw an approaching arrival in mrs strong s face before i heard any sound of it a gentleman on horseback came to the gate and leading his horse into the little court with the bridle over his arm as if he were quite at home tied him to a ring in the empty coach house wall and came into the breakfast parlor whip in hand it was mr jack and mr jack was not at all improved by india i thought i was in a state of ferocious virtue however as to young men who were not cutting down the trees in the forest of difficulty and my impression must be received with due allowance mr jack said the doctor mr jack shook hands with me but not very warmly i believed and with an air of languid patronage at which i secretly took great but his languor altogether was quite a wonderful sight except when he addressed himself to his cousin have you this morning mr jack said the doctor i hardly ever take breakfast sir he replied with his head thrown back in an easy chair i find it me is there any news to day inquired the doctor nothing at all sir replied mr there s an account about the people being hungry and discontented down in the north but they are always being hungry and discontented somewhere the doctor looked grave and said as though he wished to change the subject then there s no news at all and no news they say is good news there s a long statement in the papers sir about a murder observed mr but somebody is always being murdered and i didn t read it of david a display of indifference to all the actions and passions of mankind was not supposed to be a distinguished quality at that time i think as i have observed it to be considered since i have known it very fashionable indeed i have seen it displayed with such success that i have encountered some fine ladies and gentlemen who might as well have been born perhaps it impressed me the more then because it was new to me but it certainly did not tend to my opinion of or to strengthen my confidence in mr jack i came out to inquire whether would like to go to the opera to night said mr turning to her it s the last good night there will be this season and there s a singer there whom she really ought to hear she is perfectly exquisite besides which she is so ugly into languor the doctor ever pleased with what was likely to please his young wife turned to
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her and said you must go you must go i would rather not she said to the doctor i prefer to remain at home i would much rather remain at home without looking at her cousin she then addressed me and asked me about and whether she should see her and whether she was not likely to come that day and was so much disturbed that i wondered how even the doctor liis toast could be blind to what was so obvious but he saw nothing he told her good that she was young and ought to be amused and entertained and must not allow herself to be made dull by a dull old fellow moreover he said he wanted to hear her sing all the new singer s songs to him and how could she do that well unless she went so the doctor persisted in making the engagement for her and mr jack was to come back to dinner this concluded he went to his patent place i suppose but at all events went away on his horse looking very idle i was curious to find out next morning whether she had been she had not but had sent into london to put her cousin off and had gone out in the afternoon to see and had prevailed upon the doctor to go with her and they had walked home by the fields the doctor told me the evening being delightful i wondered then whether she would have gone if had not been in town and whether had some good influence over her too she did not look very happy i thought but it was a good face or a very false one i often glanced at it for she sat in the window all the time we were at work and made our breakfast which we took by as we were employed when i left at nine o clock she was kneeling on the ground at the doctor s feet putting on his shoes and for him there was a softened shade upon her face thrown from some green leaves overhanging the open window of the low room and i thought all the way to doctors of the night when i had seen it looking at him as he read i was pretty busy now up at five in the morning and home at nine or ten at night but i had infinite satisfaction in being so closely engaged and never walked slowly on any account and felt that the b b the personal history and more i tired myself the more i was to deserve t had not revealed myself in my altered character to yet because she was coming to see miss mills in a few days and i deferred all i had to tell her until then merely informing her in my letters all our communications were secretly forwarded through miss mills that i had much to tell her in the meantime i put myself on a short allowance of bear s wholly abandoned scented soap and water and sold off three at a prodigious sacrifice as being too luxurious for my stern career not satisfied with all these proceedings but burning with impatience to do something more i v ent to see now lodging up behind the of a house in castle street mr dick who had been with me to twice already and had resumed his companionship with the doctor i took with me i took mr dick with me because sensitive to my aunt s and sincerely believing that no slave or worked as i did he had begun to fret and worry himself out of spirits and appetite as having nothing useful to do in this condition he felt more incapable of finishing the memorial than ever and the harder he worked at it the oftener that unlucky head of king charles the first got into it seriously that his malady would increase unless we put some innocent deception upon him and caused him to believe that he was useful or unless we could put him in the way of being really useful which would be better i made up my mind to try if could help us before we went i wrote a full statement of all that had happened and wrote me back a capital answer expressive of his sympathy and friendship we found him hard at work with his and papers refreshed by the sight of the stand and the little round table in a corner of the small apartment he received us cordially and made friends with mr dick in a moment mr dick professed an absolute certainty of having seen him before and we both said very likely the first subject on which i had to consult was this i had heard that many men distinguished in various pursuits had begun life by the in parliament having mentioned newspapers to me as one of his hopes i had put the two things together and told in my letter that i wished to know how i could myself for this pursuit now informed me as the result of his inquiries that the mere mechanical acquisition necessary except in rare cases for thorough excellence in it that is to say a perfect and entire command of the mystery of short hand writing and reading was about equal in difficulty to the mastery of six languages and that it might perhaps be attained by dint of perseverance in the course of a few years reasonably supposed that this would settle the business but t only that here indeed were a few tall trees to be down immediately resolved to work my way on to through this thicket axe in hand i am very much obliged to you my dear said i i begin to morrow looked astonished as he well might but he had no as yet of my condition of david i buy a book
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the gray s inn the resources of this lodging were so limited that we found the now some eight or nine years old in a turn up in the of david family sitting room where mr had prepared in a wash what he called a of the agreeable for which he was famous i had the pleasure on this occasion of the acquaintance of master whom i found a promising boy of about twelve or thirteen very subject to that restlessness of limb which is not an phenomenon in youths of his age i also became once more known to his sister miss in whom as mr told us her mother renewed her youth like the my dear said mr yourself and mr find us on the brink of and will excuse any little to that position glancing round as i made a suitable reply t observed that the family effects were already packed and that the amount of luggage was by no means overwhelming i congratulated mrs on the approaching change my dear mr said mrs of your friendly interest in all our affairs i am well assured my family may consider it if they please but i am a wife and mother and i never will desert mr appealed to by mrs s eye that said mrs that at least is my view my dear mr and mr of the obligation which i took upon myself when i repeated the words i take thee i read the service over with a flat candle on the previous night and the conclusion i derived from it was that i never could desert mr and said mrs though it is possible i may be mistaken in my view of the ceremony i never will my dear said mr a little impatiently i am not conscious that you are expected to do any thing of the sort i am aware my dear mr pursued mrs that i am now about to cast my lot among strangers and i am also aware that the various members of my family to whom mr has written in the most gentlemanly terms announcing that fact have not taken the least notice of mr s communication indeed i may be superstitious said mrs but it appears to me that mr is destined never to receive any answers whatever to the great of the communications he writes i may from the silence of my family that they object to the resolution i have taken but i should not allow myself to be from the path of duty mr even by my papa and were they still living i expressed my opinion that this was going in the right direction it may be a sacrifice said mrs to one s self in a cathedral town but surely mr if it is a sacrifice in me it is much more a sacrifice in a man of mr s abilities oh you are going to a cathedral town said i mr who had been helping us all out of the wash replied to in fact my dear i have entered into arrangements by virtue of which i stand pledged and contracted to our friend to assist and serve him in the capacity of and to be his confidential clerk the history and experience i stared at mr who greatly enjoyed my surprise i am bound to state to you he said with an official that the business habits and the prudent suggestions of mrs have in a great measure to this result the to which mrs referred upon a former occasion being thrown down in the form of an advertisement was taken up by my friend and led to a mutual recognition of my friend said mr who is a man of remarkable i desire to speak with all possible respect my friend has not fixed the positive at too high a figure but he has made a great deal in the way of from the pressure of pecuniary difficulties on the value of my services and on the value of those services i pin my faith such address and intelligence as i chance to possess said mr himself with the old genteel air will be devoted to my friend s service i have already some acquaintance with the law as a on civil process and i shall immediately apply myself to the of one of the most eminent and remarkable of our english i believe it is unnecessary to add that i allude to mr justice these observations and indeed the greater part of the observations made that evening were interrupted by mrs s discovering that master was sitting on his boots or holding his head on with both arms as if he felt it loose or accidentally kicking under the table or shuffling his feet over one another or producing them at distances from himself apparently outrageous to nature or lying sideways with his hair among the wine glasses or developing his restlessness of limb in some other form with the general interests of society and by master s receiving those discoveries in a spirit i sat all the while amazed by mr s disclosure and wondering what it meant until mrs resumed the thread of the discourse and claimed my attention what i particularly request mr to be careful of is said mrs that he does not my dear mr in applying himself to this subordinate branch of the law place it out of his power to rise ultimately to the top of the tree i am convinced that mr giving his mind to a profession so adapted to his fertile resources and his flow of language must distinguish himself now for example mr said mrs assuming a profound air a judge or even say a does an individual place himself beyond the pale of those by entering on such an office as mr has accepted my dear observed mr
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may use a common expression to bills of exchange for my accommodation on the first occasion mr thomas was left let me say in short in the the fulfilment of the second has not yet arrived the amount of the first obligation here mr carefully referred to papers was i believe twenty three four nine and a half of the second according to my entry of that transaction eighteen six two these sums united make a total if my calculation is correct to forty one ten eleven and a half my friend will perhaps do me the favor to check that total i did so and found it correct to leave this metropolis said mr and my friend mr thomas without myself of the pecuniary part of this obligation would weigh upon my mind to an extent i have therefore prepared for my friend mr thomas and i now hold in my hand a document which the desired object i beg to hand to my friend mr thomas my i o u for forty one of david ten eleven and a half and lam happy to recover my moral dignity and to know that i can once more walk erect before my fellow man with this introduction which greatly affected him mr placed his i u in the hands of and said he wished him well in every relation of life i am persuaded not only that this was quite the same to mr as paying the money but that himself hardly knew the difference until he had had time to think about it mr walked so erect before his fellow man on the strength of this virtuous action that his chest looked half as broad again when he lighted us down stairs we parted with great on both sides and when i had seen to his own door and was going home alone i thought among the other odd and contradictory things i mused upon that slippery as mr was i was probably indebted to some compassionate recollection he retained of me as his boy for never having been asked by him for money i certainly should not have had the moral courage to refuse it and i have no doubt he knew that to his credit be it written quite as well as i did a little cold water my new life had lasted for more than a week and i was stronger than ever in those tremendous practical resolutions that i felt the crisis required i continued to walk extremely fast and to have a general idea that i was getting on i made it a rule to take as much out of myself as i possibly could in my way of doing to which i applied my energies i made a perfect victim of myself i even entertained some idea of putting myself on a vegetable diet vaguely that in becoming a animal i should sacrifice to as yet little was quite unconscious of my desperate firmness otherwise than as my letters darkly it forth but another saturday came and on that saturday evening she was to be at miss mills s and when mr mills had gone to his club to me in the street by a bird cage in the drawing room middle window i was to go there to tea by this time we were quite settled down in street where mr dick continued his in a state of absolute felicity my aunt had obtained a signal victory over mrs by paying her off throwing the first she planted on the stairs out of window and protecting in person up and down the staircase a whom she engaged from the outer world these vigorous measures struck such terror to the breast of mrs that she subsided into her own kitchen under the impression that my aunt was mad my aunt being indifferent to mrs s opinion and everybody else s and rather than the idea mrs of late the bold became within a s the personal history and experience few days so faint hearted that rather than encounter my aunt upon the staircase she would endeavour to hide her form behind doors leaving visible however a wide margin of flannel or would shrink into dark corners this gave my aunt such unspeakable satisfaction that i believe she took a delight in up and down with her bonnet perched on the top of her head at times when mrs was likely to be in the way my aunt being uncommonly neat and ingenious made so many little improvements in our domestic arrangements that i seemed to be richer instead of poorer among the rest she converted the into a dressing room for me and purchased and a for my occupation which looked as like a in the as a could i was the object of her constant solicitude and my poor mother herself could not have loved me better or studied more how to make me happy had considered herself highly privileged in being allowed to in these labors and although she still retained something of her old sentiment of awe in reference to my aunt had received so many marks of encouragement and confidence that they were the best friends possible but the time had now come i am speaking of the saturday when i was to take miss mills s when it was necessary for her to return home and enter on the discharge of the duties she had undertaken in behalf of ham so good bye said my aunt and take care of yourself i am sure never thought i could be sorry to lose you i took to the coach office and saw her off she cried at parting and confided her brother to my friendship as ham had done we had heard nothing of him since he went away that sunny afternoon and now my own dear said if while you re a you should want
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any money to spend or if when you re out of your time my dear you should want any to set you up and you must do one or other or both my darling who has such a good right to ask leave to lend it you as my sweet girl s own old stupid me i was not so savagely independent as to say anything in reply but that if ever i borrowed money of anyone i would borrow it of her next to accepting a large sum on the spot i believe this gave more comfort than anything i could have done and my dear whispered tell the pretty little angel that i should so have liked to see her only for a minute and tell her that before she my boy i come and make your house so beautiful for you if you let me i declared that nobody else should touch it and this gave such delight that she went away in good spirits i fatigued myself as much as i possibly could in the all day by a variety of devices and at the appointed time in the evening repaired to mr mills s street mr mills who was a terrible fellow to fall asleep after dinner had not yet gone out and there was no in the middle window he kept me waiting so long that i fervently hoped the club would fine him for being late at last he came out and then i saw my own hang up the and peep into the balcony to look for me and run in again when she saw i was there while remained behind to bark of david at an immense butcher s dog in the street who could have taken him like a came to the drawing room door to meet me and came out over his own under the impression that i was a and we all three went in as happy and loving as could be i soon carried desolation into the bosom of our joys not that i meant to do it but that i was so full of the subject by asking without the smallest preparation if she could love a beggar my pretty little startled her only association with the word was a yellow face and a or a pair of or a wooden leg or a dog with a stand in his mouth or something of that kind and she stared at me with the most delightful wonder how can you ask me anything so foolish love a beggar my own dearest said t am a beggar how can you be such a silly thing replied my hand as to sit there telling such stories i make bite you her childish way was the most delicious way in the world to me but it was necessary to be explicit and i solemnly repeated my own life i am your ruined david i declare i make bite you said shaking her curls if you are so ridiculous but i looked so serious that left off shaking her curls and laid her trembling little hand upon my shoulder and first looked scared and anxious then began to cry that was dreadful i fell upon my knees before the sofa caressing her and imploring her not to my heart but for some time poor little did nothing but exclaim oh dear oh dear and oh she was so frightened and where was mills and oh take her to mills and go away please until i was almost beside myself at last after an agony of and i got to look at me with a expression of face which i gradually soothed until it was only loving and her soft pretty cheek was lying against mine then i told her with my arms clasped round her how i loved her so dearly and so dearly how i felt it right to offer to release her from her engagement because now i was poor how i never could bear it or recover it if i lost her how i had no fears of poverty if she had none my arm being and my heart inspired by her how i was already working with a courage such as none but lovers knew how i had begun to be practical and to look into the future how a crust well earned was sweeter far than a feast inherited and much more to the same purpose which i delivered in a burst of passionate eloquence quite surprising to myself though i had been thinking about it day and night ever since my aunt had astonished me is your heart mine still dear said i for i knew by her clinging to me that it was oh cried oh yes it s all yours oh don t be dreadful dreadful to don t talk about being poor and working hard said closer to me oh don t don t my dearest love said i the crust well earned the personal and experience oh yes but i don t want to hear any more about said and must have a mutton chop every day at twelve or he l die i was charmed with her childish winning way i fondly explained to that should have his mutton chop with his accustomed regularity i drew a picture of our home made independent by my labor in the little house i had seen at and my aunt in her room up stairs i am not dreadful now said i tenderly oh no no cried but i hope your aunt will keep in her own room a good deal and i hope she s not a scolding old thing if it were possible for me to love more than ever i am sure i did but i felt she was a little it my new born to find that so difficult of communication to
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her i made another trial when she was quite herself again and was curling s ears as he lay upon her lap i became grave and said my own may i mention something oh please don t be practical said because it me so sweetheart i returned there is nothing to alarm you in all this i want you to think of it quite differently i want to make it nerve you and inspire you oh but that s so shocking cried my love no perseverance and strength of character will enable us to bear much worse things but i haven t got any strength at all said shaking her curls have i oh do kiss and be agreeable it was impossible to resist kissing when she held him up to me for that purpose putting her own bright rosy little mouth into kissing form as she directed the operation which she insisted should be performed on the centre of his nose i did as she bade me myself afterwards for my obedience and she charmed me out of my graver character for i don t know how long but my beloved said i at last it i was going to mention something the judge of the court might have fallen in love with her to see her fold her little hands and hold them up begging and praying me not to be dreadful any more indeed i am not going to be my darling i assured her but my love if you will sometimes think not you know far from that but if you will sometimes think just to encourage yourself that you are engaged to a poor man don t don t pray don t cried it s so very dreadful my soul not at all said i cheerfully if you will sometimes think of that and look about now and then at your papa s housekeeping and endeavour to acquire a little habit of accounts for instance poor little received this suggestion with something that was half a sob and half a scream it will be so useful to us afterwards i went on and if you would promise me to read a little a little book that i would send you it would be so excellent for both of us for our path in life my said i warming with the subject is stony and rugged dow op david and it rests with us to smooth it we must fight our way onward we must be brave there are obstacles to be met and we must meet and crush them i was going on at a great rate with a clenched hand and a most enthusiastic countenance but it was quite unnecessary to proceed i had said enough i had done it again oh she was so frightened oh where was mills oh take her to mills and go away please so that in short i was quite distracted and about the drawing room i thought i had killed her this time i sprinkled water on her face i went down on my knees i plucked at my hair i myself as a brute and a beast i implored her forgiveness i her to look up i miss mills s work box for a and in my agony of mind applied an ivory needle case instead and di all the needles over i shook my fists at who was as frantic as myself i did every wild extravagance that could be done and was a long way beyond the end of my wits when miss mills came into the room who has done this exclaimed miss mills her friend i replied miss mills have done it behold the or words to that effect and hid my face from the light in the sofa cushion at first miss mills thought it was a quarrel and that we were on the desert of but she soon found out how matters stood for my dear affectionate little embracing her began exclaiming that i was a poor and then cried for me and embraced me and asked me would i let her give me all her money to keep and then fell on miss mills s neck sobbing as if her tender heart were broken miss mills must have been born to be a blessing to us she ascertained from me in a few words what it was all about comforted and gradually convinced her that i was not a from my manner of stating the case i believe concluded that i was a and went myself up and down a plank all day with a and so brought us together in peace when we were quite composed and had gone up stairs to put some rose water to her eyes miss mills rang for tea in the interval i told miss mills that she was my friend and that my heart must cease to ere i could forget her sympathy i then to miss mills what i had endeavoured so very to to miss mills replied on general principles that the cottage of content was better than the palace of cold splendour and that where love was all was i said to miss mills that this was very true and who should know it better than i who loved with a love that never mortal had experienced yet but on miss mills observing with despondency that it were well indeed for some hearts if this were so i explained that i begged leave to the observation to mortals of the masculine i then put it to miss mills to say whether she considered that there was or was not any practical merit in the suggestion i had been anxious to make concerning the accounts the housekeeping and the book miss mills after some consideration thus replied mr i will be plain with you mental
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me then was not agreeable the of the human heart is such you will oblige me ma am interrupted mr by yourself to facts miss cast down her eyes shook her head as if protesting against this interruption and with frowning dignity resumed since i am to confine myself to facts i wiu state them as as i can perhaps that will be considered an acceptable course of proceeding i have already said sir that i have had my suspicions of miss in reference to david for some time i have frequently endeavoured to find decisive of those suspicions but without effect i have therefore to mention them to miss s father looking severely at him knowing how little disposition there usually is in such cases to acknowledge the conscientious discharge of duty mr seemed quite by the gentlemanly of miss c c the history and experience s manner and her severity with a little wave of his hand on my return to after the period of absence occasioned by my brother s marriage pursued miss in a voice and on the return of miss from her visit to her friend miss mills i imagined that the manner of miss gave me greater occasion for suspicion than before therefore i watched miss closely dear tender little so unconscious of this s eye still resumed miss i found no proof until last night it appeared to me that miss received too many letters from her friend miss mills but miss mills being her friend with her father s full another telling blow at mr it was not for me to interfere if i may not be permitted to allude to the natural of the human heart at least i may i must be permitted so far to refer to confidence mr murmured his assent last evening after tea pursued miss i observed the little dog starting rolling and growling about the drawing room worrying something i said to miss what is that the dog has in his mouth it s paper miss immediately put her hand to her frock gave a sudden cry and ran to the dog i interposed and said my love you must permit me oh miserable this wretchedness then was your work miss endeavoured said miss to bribe me with kisses work boxes and small articles of that of course i pass over the little dog retreated under the sofa on my approaching him and was with great difficulty by the fire irons even when he still kept the letter in his mouth and on my endeavouring to take it from him at the imminent risk of being bitten he kept it between his teeth so as to suffer himself to be held suspended in the air by means of the document at length i obtained possession of it after it i miss with having many such letters in her possession and ultimately obtained from her the packet which is now in david s hand here she ceased and snapping her again and shutting her mouth looked as if she might he broken but could never be bent you have heard miss said mr turning to me i beg to ask mr if you have anything to say in reply the picture i had before me of the beautiful little treasure of my heart sobbing and crying all night of her being alone frightened and wretched then of her having so begged and prayed that woman to forgive her of her having vainly offered her those kisses work boxes and of her being in such grievous distress and all for me very much the little dignity i had been able to muster i am afraid i was in a tremulous state for a minute or so though i did my best to disguise it there is nothing i can say sir i except that all the blame is mine miss if you please said her father of david was induced and persuaded by me i went on that colder to consent to this concealment and i bitterly regret it you are very to blame sir said mr walking to and fro upon the hearth rug and what he said with his whole body instead of his head on account of the of his and you have done a stealthy and action mr when i take a gentleman to my house no matter whether he is nineteen twenty nine or ninety i take him there in a spirit of confidence if he my confidence he a action mr i feel it sir i assure you i returned but i never thought so before sincerely honestly indeed mr i never thought so before i love miss to that extent nonsense said mr pray don t tell me to my face that you love my daughter mr could i defend my conduct if i did not sir i returned with all humility can you defend your conduct if you do sir said mr stopping short upon the hearth rug have you considered your years and my daughter s years mr have you considered what it is to the confidence that should between my daughter and myself have you considered my daughter s station in life the projects i may contemplate for her advancement the intentions i may have with reference to her have you considered anything ml very little sir i am afraid i answered speaking to him as respectfully and sorrowfully as i felt but pray believe me i have considered my own worldly position when i explained it to you we were already engaged i beg said mr more like punch than i had ever seen him as he struck one hand upon the other i could not help noticing that even in my despair that you will not talk to me of engagements mr the otherwise miss stone laughed contemptuously in one
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short syllable when i explained my altered position to you sir i began again a new form of expression for what was so to him this concealment into which i am so unhappy as to have led miss had begun since i have been in that altered position i have strained every nerve i have exerted every energy to improve it i am sure i shall improve it in time will you grant me time any length of time we are both so young sir you are right interrupted mr nodding his head a great many times and frowning very much you are both very young it s all nonsense let there be an end of the nonsense take away those letters and throw them in the fire give me miss s letters to throw in the fire and although our future intercourse must you are aware be to the here we will agree to make no further mention of the past come mr you don t want sense and this is the sensible course the personal history and experience no i couldn t think of agreeing to it i was very sorry but there was a higher consideration than sense love was above all earthly considerations and i loved to and loved me i didn t exactly say so i softened it down as much as i could but i implied it and i was resolute upon it i don t think i made myself very ridiculous but i know i was resolute very well mr said mr i must try my influence with my daughter miss by an expressive sound a long drawn which was neither a sigh nor a moan but was like both gave it as her opinion that he should have done this at first i must try said mi confirmed by this support my influence with my daughter do you decline to take those letters mr i had laid them on the table yes i told him i hoped he would not think it wrong but i couldn t possibly take them from miss nor from me said mr no i replied with the respect nor from him very well said mr a silence succeeding i was whether to go or stay at length i was moving quietly towards the door with the intention of saying that perhaps i should consult his feelings best by withdrawing when he said with his hands in his coat pockets into which it was as much as he could do to get them and with what i should call upon the whole a decidedly pious air you are probably aware mr that i am not altogether destitute of worldly possessions and that my daughter is my nearest and dearest relative i hurriedly made him a reply to the that i hoped the error into which i had been betrayed by the desperate nature of my love did not induce him to think me too i don t allude to the matter in that light said mr it would be better for yourself and all of us if you were mr i mean if you were more discreet and less influenced by all this youthful nonsense no i merely say with quite another view you are probably aware i have some property to to my child i certainly supposed so and you can hardly think said mr having experience of what we see in the here every day of the various unaccountable and proceedings of men in respect of their arrangements of all subjects the one on which perhaps the strangest revelations of human are to be met with but that mine are made i inclined my head in acquiescence i should not allow said mr with an evident increase of pious sentiment and slowly shaking his head as he poised himself upon his toes and heels alternately my suitable provision for my child to be influenced by a piece of youthful folly like the present it is mere folly mere nonsense in a little while it will weigh lighter than any feather but i might i might if this silly business were not completely of altogether be induced in some anxious moment to guard her from and surround her with against the consequences of any foolish step in the way of marriage now mr i hope that you will not render it necessary for me to open even for a quarter of an hour that closed page in the book of life and even for a quarter of an hour grave affairs long since composed there was a serenity a tranquillity a calm sunset air about him which quite affected me he was so peaceful and resigned clearly had his affairs in such perfect train and so wound up that he was a man to feel touched in the contemplation of i really think i saw tears rise to his eyes from the depth of his own feeling of all this but what could i do i could not deny and my own heart when he told me i had better take a week to consider of what he had said how could i say i wouldn t take a week yet how could i fail to know that no amount of weeks could influence such love as mine in the meantime confer with miss or with any person with any knowledge of life said mr his with both hands take a week mr i submitted and with a countenance as expressive as i was able to make it of dejected and despairing constancy came out of the room miss s heavy eyebrows followed me to the door i say her eyebrows rather than her eyes because they were much more important in her face and she looked so exactly as she used to look at about that hour of the morning in our parlour at that
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i could have fancied i had been breaking down in my lessons again and that the dead weight on my mind was that horrible old book with oval shaped to my youthful fancy like the glasses out of spectacles when i got to the office and shutting out old and the rest of them with my hands sat at my desk in my own particular nook thinking of this earthquake that had taken place so unexpectedly and in the bitterness of my spirit cursing i fell into such a state of torment about that i wonder i did not take up my hat and rush to the idea of their her and making her cry and of my not being there to comfort her was so that it impelled me to write a letter to mr him not to visit upon her the consequences of my awful destiny i implored him to spare her gentle nature not to crush a fragile flower and addressed him generally to the best of my remembrance as if instead of being her father he had been an or the of this letter i sealed and laid upon his desk before he returned and when he came in i saw him through the half opened door of his room take it up and read it he said nothing about it all the morning but before he went away in the afternoon he called me in and told me that i need not make myself at all uneasy about his daughter s happiness he had assured her he said that it was all nonsense and he had nothing more to say to her he believed he was an indulgent father as indeed he was and i might spare myself any solicitude on her account you may make it necessary if you are or obstinate mr he observed for me to send my daughter abroad again for a term but i have a better opinion of you i hope you will be wiser than the personal history and experience that in a few days as to miss for i had alluded to her in the letter i respect that lady s vigilance and feel obliged to her but she has strict charge to avoid the subject all i desire mr is that it should be forgotten all you have got to do mr is to forget it all i in the note i wrote to miss mills i bitterly quoted this sentiment all i had to do i said with gloomy sarcasm was to forget that was all and what was that i entreated miss mills to see me that evening if it could not be done with mr mills s sanction and i a interview in the back kitchen where the was i informed her that my reason was tottering on its throne and only she miss mills could prevent its being i signed myself hers and i couldn t help feeling when i read this composition over before sending it by a porter that it was something in the style of mr however i sent it at night i repaired to miss mills s street and walked up and down until i was stealthily fetched in by miss mills s maid and taken the area way to the back kitchen i have since seen reason to believe that there was nothing on earth to prevent my going in at the front door and being shown up into the drawing room except miss mills s love of the romantic and mysterious in the back kitchen i as became me i went there i suppose to make a fool of myself and i am quite sure i did it miss mills had received a hasty note from telling her that all was discovered and saying oh pray come to me do do but miss mills the of her presence to the higher powers had not yet gone and we were all in the desert of miss mills had a wonderful flow of words and liked to pour them out i could not help feeling though she mingled her tears with mine that she had a dreadful luxury in our she them as i may say and made the most of them a deep gulf she observed had opened between and me and love could only span it with its rainbow love must er in this stern world it ever had been so it ever would be so no matter miss mills remarked hearts confined by would burst at last and then love was this was small consolation but miss mills wouldn t encourage hopes she made me much more wretched than i w s before and i felt and told her with the deepest gratitude that she was indeed a friend we resolved that she should go to the first thing in the morning and find some means of assuring her either by looks or words of my devotion and misery we parted overwhelmed with grief and i think miss mills enjoyed herself completely i confided all to my aunt when i got home and in spite of all she could say to me went to bed despairing i got up despairing and went out despairing it was saturday morning and i went straight to the i was surprised when i came within sight of our office door to see the ticket standing outside talking together and some half dozen gazing at the windows which were shut up i quickened ray pace and passing among them wondering at their looks went hurriedly in of david the clerks were there but nobody was doing anything old for the first time in his life i should think was sitting on somebody else s stool and had not hung up his hat this is a dreadful calamity mr said he as i entered what is i exclaimed what s the matter don t you know cried and
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all the rest of them coming round me no said i looking from face to face mr said what about him dead i thought it was the office and not i as one of the clerks caught hold of me they sat me down in a chair my and brought me some water i have no idea whether this took any time dead said i he dined in town yesterday and drove down in the by himself said having sent his own groom home by the coach as he sometimes did you know weu the went home without him the horses stopped at the stable gate the man went out with a lantern nobody in the carriage had they run away they were not hot said putting on his glasses no i understand than they would have been going down at the usual pace the reins were broken but they had been dragging on the ground the house was roused up directly and three of them went out along the road they found him a mile off more than a mile off mr interposed a junior was it i believe you are right said a mile off not far from the church lying partly on the road side and partly on the path upon his face whether he fell out in a fit or got out feeling ill before the fit came on or even whether he was quite dead then though there is no doubt he was quite insensible no one appears to know if he breathed certainly he never spoke medical assistance was got as soon as possible but it was quite useless i cannot describe the state of mind into which i was thrown by this intelligence the shock of such an event happening so suddenly and happening to one with whom i had been in any respect at the appalling in the room he had occupied so lately where his chair and table seemed to wait for him and his handwriting of yesterday was like a ghost the impossibility of separating him from the place and feeling when the door opened as if he might come in the lazy hush and rest there was in the office and the relish with which our people talked about it and other people came in and out all day and themselves with the subject this is easily intelligible to any one what i cannot describe is how in the recesses of my own heart i had a lurking jealousy even of death how i felt as if its might would push me from my ground in s thoughts how i was in a way i have no words for envious of her grief how it made me restless to think of her weeping to others or being consoled by others how i had the personal history and experience a grasping wish to shut out everybody from her but myself and to be all in all to her at that time of all times in the trouble of this state of mind not exclusively my own i hope but known to others i went down to that night and finding from one of the servants when i made my inquiries at the door that miss mills was there got my aunt to direct a letter to her which i wrote i the death of mr most sincerely and shed tears in doing so i entreated her to tell if were in a state to hear it that he had spoken to me with the utmost kindness and consideration and had coupled nothing but tenderness not a single or word with her name i know i did this to have my name brought before her but i tried to believe it was an act of justice to his memory perhaps i did believe it my aunt received a few lines next day in reply addressed outside to her within to me was overcome by grief and when her friend had asked her should she send her love to me had only cried as she was always crying oh dear papa oh poor papa but she had not said no and that i made the most of mr who had been at since the occurrence came to the office a few days afterwards he and were together for some few moments and then looked out at the door and beckoned me in oh said mr mr and myself mr are about to examine the desk the drawers and other such of the deceased with the view of up his private papers and searching for a will there is no trace of any elsewhere it may be as well for you to assist us if you please i had been in agony to obtain some knowledge of the circumstances in which my would be placed as in whose and so forth and this was something towards it we began the search at once mr the drawers and and we all taking out the papers the office papers we placed on one side and the private papers which were not numerous on the other we were very grave and when we came to a stray seal or pencil case or ring or any little article of that kind which we associated personally with him we spoke very low we had sealed up several and were still going on and quietly when mr said to us applying exactly the same words to his late partner as his late partner had applied to him mr was very difficult to move from the beaten track you know what he was i am disposed to think he had made no will oh i know he had said i they both stopped and looked at me on the very day when i last saw him said i he told me that he had and
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that his affairs were long since settled mr and old shook their heads with one accord that looks said very said mr surely you don t i began my good mr said laying his hand upon my arm of david and shutting up both his eyes as he shook his head if you had been in the as long as i have you would that there is no subject on which men are so inconsistent and so little to be trusted why bless my soul he made that very remark i replied persistently i should call that almost final observed my opinion is no will it appeared a wonderful thing to me but it turned out that there was no will he had never so much as thought of making one so far as his papers afforded any evidence for there was no kind of hint sketch or of any intention whatever what was scarcely less astonishing to me was that his affairs were in a most disordered state it w as extremely difficult i heard to make out what he owed or w hat he had paid or of what he died possessed it was considered likely that for years he could have had no clear opinion on these subjects himself by little and little it came out that in the competition on all points of appearance and then running high in the he had spent more than his professional income which was not a very large one and had reduced his private means if they ever had been great which was exceedingly doubtful to a very low ebb indeed there was a sale of the furniture and lease at and told me little thinking how interested i was in the story that paying all the just debts of the deceased and his share of bad and doubtful debts due to the firm he wouldn t give a thousand pounds for all the remaining this was at the of about six weeks i had suffered all the time and thought i really must have laid violent hands upon myself when miss mills still reported to me that my broken hearted little would say nothing when i was mentioned but oh poor papa oh dear papa also that she had no other relations than two maiden sisters of mr who lived at and who had not held any other than chance communication with their brother for many years not that they had ever quarrelled miss mills informed me but that having been on the occasion of s invited to tea when they considered themselves privileged to be invited to dinner they had expressed their opinion in writing that it was better for the happiness of all parties that they should stay away since which they had gone their road and their brother had gone his these two ladies now emerged from their retirement and proposed to take to live at clinging to them both and weeping exclaimed yes please take mills and me and to so they went very soon after the funeral how i found time to haunt i am sure i don t know but i contrived by some means or other to about the neighbourhood pretty often miss mills for the more exact discharge of the duties of friendship kept a journal and she used to meet me sometimes on the common and read it or if she had not time to do that lend it to me how i up the of which i a monday my sweet d still much depressed headache called attention to j as being beautifully sleek d j associations thus awakened opened of sorrow of grief admitted are tears the of the heart j m the personal history and experience tuesday t weak and nervous beautiful in do we not remark this in moon likewise j m d j m and j took in carriage j out of window and barking violently at occasioned smile to features of d of such slight links is chain of life composed j m wednesday t comparatively cheerful sang to her as congenial melody evening bells effect not soothing but reverse d affected sobbing afterwards in own room quoted verses respecting self and young also referred to patience on monument why on monument j m thursday d certainly improved better night slight tinge of cheek to mention name of d c introduced same cautiously in course of d immediately overcome oh dear dear oh i have been a naughty and child soothed and drew ideal picture of d c on verge of tomb d again overcome oh what shall i do what shall i do oh take me somewhere much alarmed fainting of d and glass of water from public house poetical sign on door post human life alas i j m friday day of incident man appears in kitchen with blue bag for lady s boots left out to heel cook replies no such orders man point cook to inquire leaving man alone with j on cook s return man still point but ultimately goes j missing d distracted information sent to police man to be identified by broad nose and legs like of bridge search made in every direction no j d weeping bitterly and renewed reference to young appropriate but towards evening strange boy calls brought into parlour broad nose but no says he wants a pound and knows a dog to explain further though much pressed pound being produced by d takes cook to little house where j alone tied up to leg of table joy of d who dances round j while he eats his supper by this happy change mention d c upstairs d afresh cries oh don t don t don t it is so wicked to think of anything but poor papa embraces j and sobs herself to sleep must not d c confide himself to the broad of time j m miss mills and
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her journal were my sole consolation at this period to see her who had seen but a little while before to trace the letter of s name through her sympathetic pages to be made more and more miserable by her were my only comforts i felt as if i had been living in a palace of cards which had tumbled down leaving only miss mills and me among the ruins as if some grim had drawn a magic circle round the innocent goddess of my heart which nothing indeed but those same strong capable of carrying so many people over so much would enable me to enter of david and keep my aunt beginning i imagine to be made seriously uncomfortable by my prolonged made a pretence of being anxious that i should go to to see that all was working well at the cottage which was let and to conclude an agreement with the same tenant for a longer term of occupation was into the service of mrs strong w here i saw her every day she had been on leaving whether or no to give the finishing touch to that of mankind in which she had been educated by marrying a pilot but she decided against that venture not so much for the sake of principle i believe as because she happened not to like him although it required an effort to leave miss mills i fell rather willingly into my aunt s pretence as a means of me to pass a few tranquil hours with i consulted the good doctor relative to an absence of three days and the doctor wishing me to take that he wished me to take more but my energy could not bear that i made up my mind to go as to the i had no great occasion to be particular about my duties in that quarter to say the truth we were getting in no very good among the tip top and were rapidly sliding down to but a doubtful position the ess had been under mr before mr s time and although it had been quickened by the of new blood and by the display which mr made still it was not established on a sufficiently strong basis to bear without being shaken such a blow as the sudden loss of its active manager it fell off very much mr notwithstanding his reputation in the firm was an easy going incapable sort of man whose reputation out of doors was not calculated to back it up i was turned over to him now and when i saw him take hi and let the business go i regretted my aunt s thousand pounds more than ever but this was not the worst of it there were a number of on and about the who without being themselves in common form business and got it done by real who lent their names in consideration of a share in the spoil and there were a good many of these too as our house now wanted business on any terms we joined this noble band and threw out to the on and to bring their business to us marriage and small were what we all looked for and what paid us best and the competition for these ran very high indeed and were planted in all the avenues of entrance to the with instructions to do their utmost to cut off all persons in mourning and all gentlemen with anything in their appearance and them to the personal history and experience the offices in which their respective were interested which instructions were so well observed that i myself before i was known by sight was twice into the premises of our principal opponent the conflicting interests of these gentlemen being of a nature to their feelings personal took place and the was even by our principal who had formerly been in the wine trade and afterwards in the sworn line walking about for some days with a black eye any one of these used to think nothing of politely assisting an old lady in black out of a vehicle killing any whom she inquired for representing his employer as the lawful successor and representative of that and bearing the old lady off sometimes greatly to his employer s office many brought to me in this way as to marriage the competition rose to such a pitch that a shy gentleman in want of one had nothing to do but submit himself to the first or be fought for and become the prey of the strongest one of our clerks who was an used in the height of this contest to sit with his hat on that he might be ready to rush out and swear before a any victim who was brought in the system of continues i believe to this day the last time i was in the a civil able person in a white apron out upon me from a doorway and the word in my ear was with great difficulty prevented from taking me up in his arms and lifting me into a s from this let me proceed to i found everything in a satisfactory state at the cottage and was enabled to gratify my aunt exceedingly by that the tenant inherited her and incessant war against having settled the little business i had to there and slept there one night i walked on to early in the morning it was now winter again and the fresh cold windy day and the sweeping brightened up my hopes a little coming into i through the old streets with a sober pleasure that my spirits and my heart there were the old signs the old names over the shops the old people serving i n them it appeared so long since i had been a there that i wondered the place was so little changed until
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i reflected how little i was changed myself strange to say that quiet influence which was inseparable in my mind from seemed to even the city where she dwelt the venerable cathedral towers and the old and whose airy voices made them more retired than perfect silence would have done the battered once stuck full with statues long thi own down and away like the who had gazed upon them the still where the growth of centuries crept over ends and ruined walls the ancient houses the pastoral landscape of field orchard and garden everywhere on everything i felt the same air the same calm thoughtful softening spirit arrived at mr s house i found in the little lower room on the ground floor where had been of old accustomed to sit mr his pen with great he was dressed in a legal looking suit of black and loomed and large in that small office of david mr was extremely glad to see me but a little confused too he would have conducted me immediately into the presence of but i declined i know the house of old you recollect said i and will find my way up stairs how do you like the law mr my dear he replied to a man possessed of the higher imaginative powers the objection to legal studies is the amount of detail which they involve even in our professional correspondence said mr glancing at some letters he was writing the mind is not at liberty to to any exalted form of expression still it is a great pursuit a great pursuit he then told me that he had become the tenant of s old house and that mrs would be delighted to receive me once more under her own roof it is humble said mr to quote a favourite expression of my friend but it may prove the stepping stone to more ambitious accommodation i asked him whether he had reason so far to be satisfied with his friend s treatment of him he got up to ascertain if the door were close shut before he replied in a lower voice my dear a man who labours under the pressure of pecuniary is with the of people at a disadvantage that disadvantage is not diminished when that pressure the drawing of before those are strictly due and all i can say is that my friend has responded to appeals to which i need not more particularly refer in a manner calculated to equally to the honour of his head and of his heart i should not have supposed him to be very free with his money either i observed pardon me said mr with an air of i speak of my friend as i have experience i am glad your experience is so favourable i returned you are very obliging my dear said mr and a tune do you see much of mr i asked to change the subject not much said mr mr is i dare say a man of very excellent intentions but he is in short he is i am afraid his partner seeks to make him so said i my dear returned mr after some uneasy on his stool allow me to offer a remark i am here in a capacity of confidence i am here in a position of trust the discussion of some topics even with mrs herself so long the partner of my various and a woman of a remarkable of intellect is i am led to consider with the functions now on me i would therefore take the liberty of suggesting that in our friendly intercourse which i trust will never be disturbed we draw a line on one side of this line said mr representing it on the desk with the ruler is the whole range of the human the personal history and experience intellect with a trifling exception on the other is that exception that is to say the affairs of messrs and with all belonging and i trust i give no offence to the companion of my youth in this proposition to his cooler judgment though i saw an uneasy change in mr which sat tightly on him as if his new duties were a i felt i had no right to be offended my him so appeared to relieve him and he shook hands with me i am charmed said mr let me assure you with miss she is a very superior young lady of very remarkable attractions graces and virtues upon my honour said mr kissing his hand and bowing with his air i do homage to miss hem i am glad of that at least said i if you had not assured us my dear on the occasion of that agreeable afternoon we had the happiness of passing with you that d was your favourite letter said mr i should unquestionably have supposed that a had been so we have all some experience of a feeling that comes over us occasionally of what we are saying and doing having been said and done before in a remote time of our having been surrounded dim ages ago by the same faces objects and circumstances of our knowing perfectly what will be said next as if we suddenly remembered it i never had this mysterious impression more strongly in my life than before he uttered those words i took my leave of mr for the time charging him with my best to all at home as i left him his stool and his pen and rolling his head in his stock to get it into easier writing order i clearly perceived that there was something interposed between him and me since he had come into his new functions which prevented our getting at each other as we used to do and quite altered the character of our intercourse there was no one
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in the quaint old drawing room though it presented tokens of mrs s i looked into the room still belonging to and saw her sitting by the fire at a pretty old fashioned desk she had writing my darkening the light made her look up what a pleasure to be the cause of that bright change in her attentive face and the object of that sweet regard and welcome ah said t when we were sitting together side by side i have missed you so much lately indeed she replied again and so soon i shook my head i don t know how it is i seem to some faculty of mind that i ought to have you were so much in the habit of thinking for me in the happy old days here and i came so naturally to you for counsel and support that i really think i have missed acquiring it and what is it said cheerfully i don t know what to call it i replied i think i am earnest and of david i am sure of it said and patient i with a little hesitation yes returned laughing pretty well and yet said i i get so miserable and worried and am so unsteady and in my power of assuring myself that i know i must want shall i call it reliance of some kind call it so if you will said well i returned see here you come to london i rely on you and i have an object and a course at once i am driven out of it i come here and in a moment i feel an altered person the circumstances that distressed me are not changed since i came into this room but an influence comes over me in that short interval that me oh how much for the better what is it what is your secret her head was bent down looking at the fire it s the old story said i don t laugh when i say it was always the same in little things as it is in greater ones my old troubles were nonsense and now they are serious but whenever i have gone away from my adopted sister looked up with such a heavenly face and gave me her hand which i kissed whenever i have not had you to advise and approve in the beginning i have seemed to go wild and to get into all sorts of difficulty when i have come to you at last as i have always done i have come to peace and happiness i come home now a tired traveller and find such a blessed sense of rest i felt so deeply what i said it affected me so sincerely that my voice failed and i covered my face with my hand and broke into tears i write the truth whatever and there were within me as there are within so many of us whatever might have been so different and so much better whatever i had done in which i had wandered away from the voice of my own heart i knew nothing of i only knew that i was fervently in earnest when i felt the rest and peace of having near me in her placid manner with her beaming eyes with her tender voice and with that sweet composure which had long ago made the house that held her quite a sacred place to me she soon won me from this weakness and led me on to tell all that had happened since our last meeting and there is not another word to tell said i when i had made an end of my confidence now my reliance is on you but it must not be on me returned with a pleasant smile it must be on some one else on said i assuredly why i have not mentioned said i a little embarrassed that is rather difficult to i would not for the world say to rely upon because she is the soul of purity and truth but rather difficult to i hardly know how to express it really she is a timid little thing and easily disturbed and frightened some time ago before her father s death when i thought it right to mention to her but i tell you if you will bear with me how it was d d the personal history and experience accordingly i told about my declaration of poverty about the book the housekeeping accounts and all the rest of it oh she remonstrated with a smile just your old headlong way you might have been in earnest in striving to get on in the world without being so very sudden with a timid loving inexperienced girl poor i never heard such sweet kindness expressed in a voice as she expressed in making this reply it was as if i had seen her and embracing and me by her considerate protection for my hot haste in fluttering that little heart it was as if i had seen in all her fascinating caressing and thanking her and appealing against me and loving me with all her childish innocence i felt so grateful to and admired her so i saw those two together in a bright perspective such well associated friends each the other so much what ought i to do then i inquired after looking at the fire a little while what would it be right to do i think said that the honourable com se to take would be to write to those two ladies don t you think that any secret course is an unworthy one yes if think so said i i am poorly qualified to judge of such matters replied with a modest hesitation but i certainly feel in short i feel that your being secret and is not being like yourself like myself
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goodness opposite but getting ready for a cast of her net by and by at dinner she maintained her watch with the same eyes after dinner her son took his turn and when mr himself and i were left alone together at me and until i could hardly bear it in the drawing room there was the mother knitting and watching again all the time that sang and played the mother sat at the piano once she asked for a particular ballad which she said her who was yawning in a great chair on and at intervals she looked round at him and reported to that he was in with the music but she hardly ever spoke i question if she ever did without making some mention of him it was evident to me that this was the duty assigned to her this lasted until to have seen the mother and son like two great hanging over the whole house and darkening it with their ugly forms made me so uncomfortable that i would rather have remained down stairs knitting and all than gone to bed i hardly got any sleep next day the knitting and watching began again and lasted all day i had not an opportunity of speaking to for ten minutes i could barely show her my letter i proposed to her to walk out with me but mrs repeatedly complaining that she was worse remained within to bear her company towards the twilight i went out by myself musing on what i ought to do and whether i was justified in from any longer what had told me in london for that began to trouble me again very much i had not walked out far enough to be quite clear of the town upon the road where there was a good path when i was hailed through the dusk by somebody behind me the figure and the scanty great coat were not to be mistaken i stopped and came up well said i how fast you walk said he my legs are pretty long but you ve given em quite a job where are you going said i i am coming with you master if you allow me the of david pleasure of a walk with an old acquaintance saying this with a jerk of his body which might have been either or he fell into step beside me said i as as i could after a silence master said to tell you the truth at which you will not be offended i came out to walk alone because i have had so much company he looked at me sideways and said with his hardest grin you mean mother why yes i do said i ah but you know we re so very he returned and having such a knowledge of our own we must really take care that we re not pushed to the wall by them as isn t all are fair in love sir his great hands until they touched his chin he rubbed them softly and softly chuckled looking as like a i thought as anything human could look you see he said still himself in that unpleasant way and shaking his head at me you re quite a dangerous rival master you always was you know do you set a watch upon miss and make her home no home because of me said i oh master those are very words he replied put my meaning into any words you like said i you know what it is as well as i do oh no you must put it into words he said oh really i couldn t myself do you suppose said i myself to be very temperate and quiet with him on account of that regard miss otherwise than as a very dear sister well master he replied you perceive i am not bound to answer that question you may not you know but then you see you may i anything to equal the low cunning of his and of his eyes without the ghost of an i never saw come then said i the sake of miss my he exclaimed with a sickly of himself would you be so good as call her master for the sake of heaven bless her thank you for that blessing master he interposed i tell you what i should under any other circumstances as soon have thought of telling to jack to who sir said stretching out his neck and his ear with his hand to the i returned the most unlikely person i could think of though his own face had suggested the allusion quite as a natural i am engaged to another young lady i hope that contents you upon your soul said i was about indignantly to give my assertion the confirmation he required when he caught hold of my hand and gave it a squeeze the personal history and experience oh master he said if you had only had the condescension to return my confidence when i poured out the fulness of my art the night i put you so much out of the way by sleeping before your sitting room fire i never should have doubted you as it is i m sure i take off mother directly and only too i know you excuse the precautions of affection won t you what a pity master that you didn t condescend to my confidence i m sure i gave you every opportunity but you never have condescended to me as much as i could have wished i know you have never liked me as i have liked you all this time he was my hand with his damp fingers while i made every i decently could to get it away but i was quite unsuccessful he drew it under the sleeve of his great coat and i walked on almost upon arm in
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arm with him shall we turn said by and by me face about towards the town on which the early moon was now shining the distant windows before we leave the subject you ought to understand said i breaking a pretty long silence that i believe to be as far above you and as far removed from all your aspirations as that moon herself peaceful ain t she said very now confess master that you t liked me quite as i have liked you all along you ve thought me too now i shouldn t wonder i am not fond of professions of humility i returned or of anything else there now said looking and lead coloured in the moonlight didn t i know it but how little you think of the of a person in my station master father and me was both brought up at a foundation school for boys and mother she was likewise brought up at a public sort of charitable establishment they taught us all a deal of not much else that i know of from morning to night we was to be to this person and to that and to pull off our caps here and to make bows there and always to know our place and ourselves before our and we had such a lot of father got the by being so did i father got made a by being he had the character among the of being such a well behaved man that they were determined to bring him in be says father to me and you get on it was what was always being into you and me at school it s what goes down best be says father and you do and really it ain t done bad it was the first time it had ever occurred to me that this detestable cant of false humility have originated out of the keep family i had seen the harvest but had never thought of the seed when i was quite a young boy said i got to know what did and i took to it i ate pie with an appetite i stopped at the point of my learning and says i hold hard when you offered to teach me latin i knew better people like to op david be above you says keep yourself down i am very to the present moment master but i ve got a little power and he said all this i knew as i saw his face in the moonlight that i might understand he was resolved to himself by using his power i had never doubted his meanness his craft and malice but i fully comprehended now for the first time what a base and spirit must have been by this early and this long his account of himself was so far attended with an agreeable result that it led to his withdrawing his hand in order that he might have another of himself under the chin once apart from him i was determined to keep apart and we walked back side by side saying very little more by the way whether his spirits were elevated by the communication i had made to him or by his having indulged in this i don t know but they were raised by some influence he talked more at dinner than was usual with him asked his mother ofl duty from the moment of our re entering the house whether he was not growing too old for a bachelor and once looked at so that i would have given all i had for leave to knock him down when we three were left alone after dinner he got into a more adventurous state he had taken little or no wine and i presume it was the mere insolence of triumph that was upon him flushed perhaps by the temptation my presence furnished to its exhibition i had observed yesterday that he tried to mr to drink and the look which had given me as she went out had limited myself to one glass and then proposed that we should follow her i would have done so again to day but was too quick for me we seldom see our present visitor sir he said addressing mr sitting such a contrast to him at the end of the table and i should propose to give him welcome in another glass or two of wine if you have no objections mr your and i was obliged to make a show of taking the hand he stretched across to me and then with very different emotions i took the hand of the broken gentleman his partner come fellow partner said if i may take the liberty now suppose you give us something or another appropriate to i pass over mr s proposing my aunt his proposing mr dick his proposing doctor s his proposing his drinking everything twice bis consciousness of his own weakness the ineffectual effort that he made against it the struggle between his shame in s and his desire to him the manifest exultation with which twisted and turned and held him up before me it made me sick at heart to see and my hand from writing it come fellow partner said at last ll give you another one and i ask for seeing i intend to make it the of her sex her father had his empty glass in his hand i saw him set it down look at the picture she was so like put his hand to his forehead and shrink back in his elbow chair the personal history and experience i m an individual to give you her proceeded but i admire her no physical pain that her father s grey head could have borne i think could have been more terrible to me than the mental endurance i saw compressed now within both his hands said
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either not regarding him or not knowing what the nature of his action was is i am safe to say the of her sex may i speak out among friends to be her father is a proud distinction but to be her spare me from ever again hearing such a cry as that with which her father rose up from the table what s the matter said turning of a deadly colour you are not gone mad after all mr i hope if i say i ve an ambition to make your my i have as good a right to it as another man i have a better right to it than any other man i had ray arms round mr imploring him by everything that i could think of of all by his love for to calm himself a he was mad for the moment tearing out his hair beating his head trying to force me from him and to force himself from me not answering a word not looking at or seeing any one blindly striving for he knew not what his face all staring and distorted a frightful spectacle i him but in the most impassioned manner not to abandon himself to this but to hear me i him to think of to connect me with to recollect how and i had grown up together how i honored her and loved her how she was his pride and joy i tried to bring her idea before him in any form i even reproached him with not having firmness to spare her the knowledge of such a scene as this i may have effected something or his may have spent itself but by degrees he struggled less and began to look at me strangely at first then with recognition in his eyes at length he said i know my darling child and you i know but look at liim he pointed to pale and in a corner evidently very much out in his calculations and taken by surprise look at my he replied before him i have step by step abandoned name and reputation peace and quiet house and home i have kept your name and reputation for you and your peace and quiet and your house and home too said with a sulky hurried defeated air of compromise don t be foolish mr if i have gone a little beyond what you were prepared for i can go back i suppose there s no harm done i looked for single motives in every one said and i was satisfied i had bound him to me by motives of interest but see what he is oh see what he is you had better stop him if you can cried with his long fore finger pointing towards me he ii say something presently mind you he ll be sorry to have said afterwards and you be sorry to have heard i say anything cried mr with a desperate air why should i not be in all the world s power if i am in yours of david mind i tell you said continuing to warn me if you don t stop his mouth you re not his friend why shouldn t you be in all the world s power mr because you have got a daughter you and me know what we know don t we let sleeping dogs lie who wants to rouse em i don t can t you see i am as as i can be i tell you if i ve gone too far i m sorry what would you have sir oh exclaimed mr wringing his hands what i have come down to be since i first saw you in this house i was on my downward way then but the dreary dreary road i have traversed since weak indulgence has ruined me indulgence in remembrance and indulgence in forgetfulness my natural grief for my child s mother turned to disease my natural love for my child turned to disease i have everything i touched i have brought misery on what i dearly love i know you know i thought it possible that i could truly love one creature in the world and not love the rest i thought it possible that i could truly mourn for one creature gone out of the world and not have some part in the grief of all who mourned thus the lessons of my life have been i have on my own morbid coward heart and it has on me sordid in my grief sordid in my love sordid in my miserable escape from the darker side of both oh see the ruin i am and hate me me he dropped into a chair and weakly sobbed the excitement into which he had been roused was leaving him came out of his corner i don t know all i have done in my said mr putting out his hands as if to my condemnation he knows best meaning for he has always been at my elbow whispering me you see the that he is about my neck you find in my house you find him in my business you heard him but a little time ago what need have i to say more you haven t need to say so much nor half so much nor anything at all observed half defiant and half you wouldn t have took it up so if it hadn t been for the wine you think better of it to morrow sir if i have said too much or more than i meant what of it i haven t stood by it the door opened and gliding in without a of colour in her face put her arm round his neck and steadily said papa you are not well come with me he laid his head upon her shoulder as if he were
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oppressed with heavy shame and went out with her her eyes met mine for but an instant yet i saw how much she knew of what had passed i didn t expect he d cut up so rough master said but it s nothing i be friends with him to morrow it s for his good m anxious for his good i gave him no answer and went upstairs into the quiet room where had so often sat beside me at my books nobody came near me until late at night i took up a book and tried to read i heard the strike twelve and was still reading without knowing what i read when touched me the personal history and experience you will be going early in the morning let us say good bye now she had been weeping but her face then was so calm and beautiful heaven bless you she said giving me her hand dearest i returned i see you ask me not to speak of to night but is there nothing to be done there is god to trust in she replied can i do nothing who come to you with my poor sorrows and make mine so much lighter she replied dear no dear i said it is for me who am so poor in all in which you are so rich goodness resolution all noble qualities to doubt or direct you but you know how much i love you and how much i owe you you will never sacrifice yourself to a mistaken sense of duty more agitated for a moment than i had ever seen her she took her hand from me and moved a step back say you have no such thought dear much more than sister think of the gift of such a heart as yours of such a love as yours oh long long afterwards i saw that face rise up before me with its momentary look not wondering not not oh long long afterwards i saw that look as it did now into the lovely smile with which she told me she had no fear for herself i need have none for her and parted from me by the name of brother and was gone it was dark in the morning when i got upon the coach at the inn door the day was just breaking when we were about to start and then as i sat thinking of her came struggling up the coach side through the mingled day and night s head said he in a whisper as he hung by the iron on the roof i thought d be glad to hear before you went off that there are no squares broke between us i ve been into his room already and we ve made it all smooth why though i m i m useful to him you know and he understands his interest when he isn t in liquor what an agreeable man he is after all master i obliged myself to say that i was glad he had m his apology oh to be sure said when a person s you know what s an apology so easy i say i suppose with a jerk you have sometimes plucked a before it was ripe master i suppose i have i did that last night said but it yet it only wants attending to i can wait in his he got down again as the coachman got up for anything i know he was eating something to keep the raw morning air out but he made motions with his mouth as if the were ripe already and he were his lips over it of david xl the we had a very serious conversation in street that night about the domestic i have detailed in the last chapter my aunt was deeply interested in them and walked up and down the room with her arms folded for more than two hours afterwards whenever she was particularly she always performed one of these and the amount of her might always be estimated by the duration of her walk on this occasion she was so much disturbed in mind as to find it necessary to open the bed room door and make a course for herself the full extent of the bed rooms from wall to w all and while mr dick and i sat quietly by the fire she kept passing in and out along this measured track at an pace with the regularity of a clock when my aunt and i were left to ourselves by mr dick s going out to bed i sat down to write my letter to the two old ladies by that time she was tired of walking and sat by the fire with her dress tucked up as usual but instead of sitting in her usual manner holding her glass upon her knee she suffered it to stand neglected on the chimney piece and resting her left elbow on her right arm and her chin on her left hand looked thoughtfully at me as often as i raised my eyes from what i was about i met hers i am in the of my dear she would assure me with a nod but i am and sorry i had been too busy to observe until after she was gone to bed that she had left her night mixture as she always called it on the chimney piece she came to her door with even more than her usual affection of manner when i knocked to her with this discovery but only said i have not the heart to take it trot to night and shook her head and went in again she read my letter to the two old ladies in the morning and approved of it i posted it and had nothing to do then but wait as patiently as i could
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for the reply i was still in this state of expectation and had been for nearly a week when i left the doctor s one snowy night to walk home it had been a bitter day and a cutting north east wind had blown for some time the wind had gone down with the light and so the snow had come on it was a heavy settled fall i recollect in great fl and it lay thick the noise of wheels and tread of people were as hushed as if the streets had been strewn that depth with feathers my shortest way home and i naturally took the shortest way on such a night was through saint martin s lane now the church which gives its name to the lane stood in a less free situation at that time there being no open space before it and the lane winding down to the the personal history and experience strand as i passed the steps of the i encountered at the corner a woman s face it looked in mine passed across the and disappeared i knew it i had seen it somewhere but i could not remember where i had some association with it that struck upon my heart directly but i was thinking of anything else when it came upon me and was confused on the steps of the church there was the stooping figure of a man who had put down some burden on the smooth snow to it my seeing the face and my seeing him were i don t think i had stopped in my surprise but in any case as i went on he rose turned and came down towards me i stood face to face with mr then i remembered the woman it was to whom had given the money that night in the kitchen side by side with whom he would not have seen his dear niece ham had told me for all the treasures wrecked in the sea we shook hands heartily at first neither of us could speak a word r he said me tight it do my art good to see you sir well met well met well met my dear old friend said i i had my o coming to make for you sir to night he said but knowing as your aunt was living along wi you for i ve been down yonder way i was it was too late i should have come early in the morning sir afore going away again said i yes sir he replied patiently shaking his head i m away to morrow where were you going now i asked well he replied shaking the snow out of his long hair i was a going to turn in in those days there was a side entrance to the stable yard of the golden cross the inn so memorable to me in with his misfortune nearly opposite to where we stood i pointed out the put my arm through his and we went across two or three public rooms opened out of the stable yard and looking into one of them and finding it empty and a good fire burning i took him in there when i saw him in the light i observed not only that his hair was long and ragged but that his face was burnt dark by the sun he was the lines in his face and forehead were deeper and he had every appearance of having toiled and wandered through all varieties of weather but he looked very strong and like a man by of purpose whom nothing could tire out he shook the snow from his hat and clothes and brushed it away from his face while i was inwardly making these remarks as he down opposite to me at a table with his back to the door by which we had entered he put out his rough hand again and grasped mine warmly i ll tell you r he said all i ve been and what all we ve i ve been fur and we ve little but i teu you i rang the bell for something hot to drink he would have nothing younger than ale and while it was being brought and being warmed at of david the fire he sat thinking there was a fine massive gravity in his face i did not venture to disturb when she was a child he said lifting up his head soon after we were left alone she used to talk to me a deal about the sea and about them where the sea got to be dark blue and to lay a shining and a shining in the sun i odd times as her father being made her think on it so much i t know you see but maybe she believed or hoped he had drifted out to them parts where the flowers is always a blowing and the country bright it is likely to have been a childish fancy i replied when she was lost said mr i know d in my mind as he would take her to them countries i know d in my mind as he d have told her wonders of em and how she was to be a lady and how he got her listen to him first along o like when we see his mother i know d quite well as t was right i went across channel to france and landed as if i d fell down from the sky i saw the door move and the snow drift in i saw it move a little more and a hand softly to keep it open found out a english gentleman as was in authority said mr and told him i was a going to seek my niece he got me them papers as i wanted fur to carry
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me through i t rightly know how they re called and he would have give me money but that i was thankful to have no need on i thank him kind for all he done i m sure i ve wrote afore you he says to me and i shall speak to many as will come that way and many will know you fur distant from here when you re a travelling alone i told him best as i was able what my gi was and went away through alone and on foot said i mostly a foot he rejoined sometimes in carts along with people going to market sometimes in empty many mile a day a foot and often with some poor soldier or another travelling to see his friends i couldn t talk to him said mr nor he to me but we was company for one another too along the dusty roads i should have known that by his friendly tone when i come to any town he pursued i found the inn and waited about the yard till some one turned up some one mostly did as know d english then i told how that i was on my to seek my niece and they told me what manner of was in the house and i waited to see any as seemed like her going in or out when it warn t em ly i went on by httle and little when i come to a new village or that among the poor people i found they know d about me they would set me down at their cottage doors and give me what not fur to eat and drink and show me where to sleep and many a woman r as has had a daughter of about em ly s age i ve found a waiting for me at our s cross outside the village fur to do me sim lar some has had daughters as was dead and god only knows how good them mothers was to me it was at the door i saw her haggard listening face distinctly my dread was lest he should turn his head and see her too they would often put their children lar their little girls said mr upon my knee and many a time you might have seen the personal and experience me sitting at their doors night was coming on a most as if they d been my darling s children oh my darling overpowered by sudden grief he sobbed aloud i laid my trembling hand upon the hand he put before his face sir he said don t take no notice in a very little while he took his hand away and put it in his breast and went on with his they often walked with me he said in the morning maybe a mile or two upon my road and when we parted and i said i m very thankful to you god bless you they always seemed to understand and answered pleasant at last i come to the sea it warn t hard you may suppose for a man like me to work his way over to italy when i got i wandered on as i had done afore the people was just as good to me and i should have gone from town to town maybe the country through but that i got news of her being seen among them mountains yonder one as know d his servant see em there all three and told me how they travelled and where they was i made for them mountains r day and night ever so fur as i went ever so fur the mountains seemed to shift away from me but i come up with em and i crossed em when i got nigh the place as i had been told of i began to think within my own self what shall i do when i see her the listening face to the night still drooped at the door and the hands begged me prayed me not to cast it forth i never doubted her said mr no not a bit on y let her see my face on y let her my voice on y let my still afore her bring to her thoughts the home she had fled from and the child she had been and if she had to be a royal lady she d have fell down at my feet i know d it well many a time in my sleep had i her cry out uncle and seen her fall like death afore me many a time in my sleep had i raised her up and whispered to her em ly my dear i am come fur to bring forgiveness and to take you home he stopped and shook his head and went on with a sigh he was to me now em ly was all i bought a country dress to put upon her and i know d that once found she would walk beside me over them stony roads go where i would and never never leave me more to put that dress upon her and to cast off what she wore to take her on my arm again and wander towards home to stop sometimes upon the road and heal her bruised feet and her worse bruised heart was all that i of now i t believe i should have done so much as look at him but r it warn t to be not yet i was too late and they was gone i couldn t learn some said some said i travelled and i travelled but i found no em ly and i travelled home how long ago i asked a matter o days said mr i sighted the old boat dark and the light a shining in the when
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i come nigh and looked in through the glass i see the faithful by the fire as we had fixed upon alone i called out t be it s dan l and i went in i never could have the old boat would have been so strange some pocket in his breast he took out with a very careful hand of david a small paper bundle containing two or letters or little he laid upon the table this first one come he said selecting it from the rest afore i had been gone a week a fifty pound bank note in a sheet of paper directed to me and put underneath the door in the night she tried to hide her writing but she couldn t hide it from me he folded up the note again with great patience and care in exactly the same form and laid it on one side this come to he said opening another two or three months ago after looking at it for some moments he gave it to me and added in a low voice be so good as read it sir i read as follows oh what will you feel when you see this writing and know it comes from my wicked hand but try try not for my sake but for uncle s goodness try to let your heart soften to me only for a little little time try pray do to towards a miserable girl and write down on a bit of paper whether he is well and what he said about me before you left off ever me among yourselves and whether of a night when it is my old time of coming home you ever see him look as if he thought of one he used to love so dear oh my heart is breaking when i think about it i am down to you begging and praying you not to be as hard with me as i deserve as i well well know i deserve but to be so gentle and so good as to write down something of him and to send it to me you need not call me little you need not call me by the name i have disgraced but oh listen to my agony and have mercy on me so far as to write me some word of uncle never never to be seen in this world by my eyes again dear if your heart is hard towards me justly hard i know but listen if it is hard dear ask him i have wronged the most him whose wife i was to have been before you quite decide against my poor poor prayer if he should be so compassionate as to say that you might write something for me to read i think he would oh i think he would if you would only ask him for he always was so brave and so tell him then but not else that when i hear the wind blowing at night i feel as if it was passing angrily from seeing him and uncle and was going up to god against me tell him that if i was to die to morrow and oh if i was fit i would be so glad to die i would bless him and uncle with my last words and pray for his happy home with my last breath some money was in this letter also pounds it was untouched like the previous sum and he it in the same way detailed instructions were added relative to the address of a reply which although they betrayed the of several hands and made it difficult to arrive at any very probable conclusion in reference to her place of concealment made it at least not unlikely that she had written from that spot where she was stated to have been seen what answer was sent i inquired of mr he returned not being a good scholar sir ham kindly it out and she made a copy on it they told her i was gone to seek her and what my parting words was is that another letter in your hand said i it s money sir said mr it a little way ten pound you see and wrote inside a true friend like the first but the first was put underneath the door and this come by the post day afore yesterday i m a going to seek her at the post mark he showed it to me it was a town on the upper he had the personal history and experience found out at some foreign who knew that country and they had drawn him a rude map on paper which he could very well understand he laid it between us on the table and with his chin resting on one hand his course upon it with the other i asked him how ham was he shook his head he works he said as bold as a man can his name s as good in all that part as any man s is in the anyone s hand is ready to help him you understand and his is ready to help them he s never been fur to complain but my sister s belief is ourselves as it has cut him deep poor fellow i can believe it he ain t no care r said mr in a solemn whisper no care no how for his life when a man s wanted for rough service in rough weather he s when there s hard duty to be done with danger in it he steps forward afore all his mates and yet he s as gentle as any child there ain t a child in that t know him he gathered up the letters thoughtfully them with his hand put them into their little bundle and placed it
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tenderly in his breast again the face was gone from the door i still saw the snow drifting in but nothing else was there well he said looking to his bag having seen you to night r and that me good i shall away to morrow morning you have seen what i ve got putting his hand on where the little packet lay all that troubles me is to think that any harm might come to me afore that money was give back if i was to die and it was lost or stole or made away with and it was never by him but what i d took it i believe the t other wouldn t hold me i believe i must come back he rose and i rose too we grasped each other by the hand again before going out i d go ten thousand mile he said i d go till i dropped dead to lay that money down afore him if i do that and find my em ly i m content if i t find her maybe she come to hear sometime as her loving uncle only ended his search for her when he ended his life and if i know her even that will turn her home at last as we went out into the night i saw the lonely figure away before us i turned him hastily on some pretence and held him in conversation until it was gone he spoke of a traveller s house on the road where he knew he could find a clean plain lodging for the night i went with him over westminster bridge and parted from him on the shore everything seemed to my imagination to be hushed in reverence for him as he resumed his solitary journey through the snow i returned to the inn yard and impressed by my remembrance of the face looked awfully around for it it was not there the snow had covered our late my new track was the only one to be seen and even that began to die away it so fast as i looked back over my shoulder of david chapter s at last an answer came from the two old ladies they presented their compliments to mr and informed him that they had given his letter their best consideration with a view to the happiness of both parties which i thought rather an alarming expression not only because of the use they had made of it in relation to the family difference but because i had and have all my life observed that conventional phrases are a sort of easily let off and liable to take a great variety of shapes and colors not at all suggested by their original form the added that they begged to forbear expressing through the medium of correspondence an opinion on the subject of mr s communication but that if mr would do them the favor to call upon a certain day accompanied if he thought proper by a confidential friend they would be happy to hold some conversation on the subject to this favor mr immediately replied with his respectful compliments that he would have the honor of waiting on the at the time appointed accompanied in accordance with their kind permission by his friend mr thomas of the inner temple having which mr fell into a condition of strong nervous agitation and so remained until the day arrived it was a great of my uneasiness to be at this crisis of the services of miss mills but mr mills who was always doing something or other to annoy me or i felt as if he were which was the same thing had brought his conduct to a climax by taking it into his head that he would go to india why should he go to india except to me to be sure he had nothing to do with any other part of the world and had a good deal to do with that part being entirely in the india trade whatever that was i had floating dreams myself concerning golden and elephant s teeth having been at in his youth and now to go out there again in the capacity of resident partner but this was nothing to me however it was so much to him that for india he was bound and with him and went into the country to take leave of her relations and the house was put into a perfect suit of bills announcing that it was to be let or sold and that the furniture and all was to be taken at a so here was another earthquake of which i became the sport before i had recovered from the shock of its i was in several minds how to dress myself on the important day being divided between my desire to appear to advantage and my apprehensions of putting on anything that might my severely practical character in the eyes of the i endeavoured to hit a happy medium between these two extremes my aunt approved the result e e the personal history and experience and ml dick threw one of his shoes after and me for luck as we went down stairs excellent fellow as i knew to be and warmly attached to him as i was i could not help wishing on that delicate occasion that he had never contracted the habit of brushing his hair so very upright it gave him a surprised look not to say a hearth kind of expression which my apprehensions whispered might be fatal to us i took the liberty of mentioning it to as we were walking to and saying that if he would smooth it down a little my dear said lifting off his hat and rubbing his hair all kinds of ways nothing would give me greater pleasure but it won t won t be
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smoothed down said i no said nothing wiu induce it if i was to carry a half hundred weight upon it all the way to it would be up again the moment the weight was taken off you have no idea what obstinate hair mine is i am quite a i was a little disappointed i must confess but thoroughly charmed by his good nature too i told him how i esteemed his good nature and said that his hair must have taken all the obstinacy out of his character for he had none oh returned laughing i assure you it s quite an story my unfortunate hair my uncle s wife couldn t bear it she said it exasperated her it stood very much in my way too when i first fell in love with very much did she object to it she didn t rejoined but her eldest sister the one that s the beauty quite made game of it i understand in fact all sisters laugh at it agreeable said i yes returned with perfect innocence it s a joke for us they pretend that has a lock of it in her desk and is obliged to shut it in a clasped book to keep it down we laugh about it by the bye my dear said i your experience may suggest something to me when you became engaged to the young lady whom you have just mentioned did you make a regular proposal to her family was there anything like what we are going through to day for instance i added nervously why replied on whose attentive face a thoughtful shade had stolen it was rather a painful transaction in my case you see being of so much use in the family none of them could endure the thought of her ever being married indeed they had quite settled among themselves that she never was to be married and they called her the old maid accordingly when i mentioned it with the greatest precaution to mrs the mamma said i the mamma said reverend when i mentioned it with every possible precaution to mrs the effect upon her was such that she gave a scream and became insensible i couldn t approach the subject again for months op david you did at last said i well the did said he is an man most in every way and lie pointed out to her that she ought as a christian to reconcile herself to the sacrifice especially as it was so uncertain and to bear no feeling towards me as to myself i give you my word i felt a perfect bird of prey towards the family the sisters took your part i hope why i can t say they did he returned when we had comparatively reconciled mrs to it we had to break it to you recollect my mentioning as the one that has something the matter with her perfectly she clenched both her hands said looking at me in dismay shut her eyes turned lead color became perfectly stiff and took nothing for two days but toast and water administered with a what a very unpleasant girl i remarked oh i beg your pardon said she is a very charming girl but she has a great deal of feeling in fact they all have told me afterwards that the self reproach she while she was in attendance upon no words could describe i know it must have been severe by my own feelings which were like a criminal s after was restored we stiu had to break it to the other eight and it produced various effects upon them of a most pathetic nature the two little ones whom have only just left off de me at any rate they are all reconciled to it now i hope said i ye yes i should say they were on the whole resigned to it said doubtfully the fact is we avoid mentioning the subject and my unsettled prospects and indifferent circumstances are a great consolation to them there will be a deplorable scene whenever we are married it will be much more like a funeral than a wedding and they all hate me for taking her away his honest face as he looked at me with a comic shake of his head me more in the remembrance than it did in the reality for i was by this time in a state of such excessive and wandering of mind as to be quite unable to fix my attention on anything on our approaching the house where the lived i was at such a in respect of my personal looks and presence of mind that proposed a gentle in the form of a glass of ale this having been administered at a neighbouring public house he conducted me with tottering steps to the s door i had a vague sensation of being as it were on view when the maid opened it and of wavering somehow across a with a weather glass in it into a quiet little drawing room on the ground floor commanding a neat garden also of sitting down here on a sofa and seeing s hair start up now his hat was removed like one of those little figures made of springs that fly out of snuff boxes when the lid is taken off also of hearing an old fashioned clock away on the e e the personal history and experience piece and trying to make it keep time to the of ray heart which it wouldn t also of looking round the room for any sign of and seeing none also of thinking that once in the distance and was instantly choked by somebody ultimately i found myself into the fire place and bowing in great confusion to two dry little elderly ladies dressed in black and each looking wonderfully like a preparation
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his wife have their society let my sister and myself have our society we can find it for ourselves i hope the personal history and experience as this appeared to be addressed to and me both and i made some sort of reply was i think i observed myself that it was highly creditable to all concerned i don t in the least know what i meant sister said miss having now relieved her mind you can go on my dear proceeded mr my sister and i have been very careful indeed in considering this letter and we have not considered it without finally showing it to our niece and discussing it with our niece we have no doubt that you think you like her very much think ma am i began oh but miss giving me a look just like a sharp as that i would not interrupt the i begged pardon affection said miss glancing at her sister for which she gave in the form of a little nod to every mature affection homage devotion does not easily express itself its voice is low it is modest and retiring it lies in waits and w such is the mature fruit sometimes a life away and finds it still in the shade of course i did not understand then that this was an allusion to her supposed experience of the stricken but i saw from the gravity with which miss nodded her head that great weight was attached to these words the light for i call them in comparison with such sentiments the light inclinations of very young people pursued miss are dust compared to rocks it is owing to the of knowing whether they are likely to endure or have any real foundation that my sister and myself have been very how to act mr and mr said my friend finding himself looked at i beg pardon of the inner temple i believe said miss again glancing at my letter said exactly so and became pretty red in the face now although i had not received any express encouragement as yet i fancied that i saw in the two little sisters and particularly in miss an enjoyment of this new and fruitful subject of domestic interest a settling down to make the most of it a disposition to pet it in which there was a good bright ray of hope i thought i perceived that miss would have uncommon satisfaction in two young lovers like and me and that miss would have hardly less satisfaction in seeing her us and in in with her own particular department of the subject whenever that impulse was strong upon her this gave me courage to protest most vehemently that i loved better than i could tell or any one believe that all my friends knew k w i loved her that my aunt every one who knew me knew how i loved her and how earnest my love had made me the truth of tliis i appealed to and firing up as if he were plunging into a debate really did come out nobly me in good of david round terms and in a plain sensible practical manner that evidently made a favorable impression i speak if i may presume to say so as one who has some little experience of such things said being myself engaged to a young lady one of ten down in and seeing no probability at present of our engagement coming to a termination you may be able to confirm what i have said mr observed miss evidently taking a new interest in him of the affection that is modest and retiring that waits and waits entirely ma am said miss looked at miss and shook her head gravely miss looked at miss and heaved a little sigh sister said miss take my smelling bottle miss revived herself with a few of and i looking on with great solicitude the while and then went on to say rather faintly my sister and myself have been in great doubt mr what course we ought to take in reference to the or imaginary of such very young people as your friend mr and our niece our brother francis s child remarked miss if our brother s wife had found it convenient in her life time though she had an right to act as she thought best to invite the family to her dinner table we might have known our brother francis s child better at the present moment sister proceed miss turned my letter so as to bring the towards herself and referred through her eye glass to some orderly looking notes she had made on that part of it it seems to us said she prudent mr to bring these feelings to the test of our own observation at present we know nothing of them and are not in a situation to judge how much reality there may be in them therefore we are inclined so far to to mr s proposal as to admit his visits here i shall never dear ladies i exclaimed relieved of an immense load of apprehension forget your kindness but pursued miss but we would prefer to regard those visits mr as made at present to us we must guard ourselves from any positive engagement between mr and our niece until we have had an opportunity until have had an opportunity sister said miss be it so assented miss with a sigh until i have had an opportunity of observing them said turning to me you feel i am sure that nothing could be more reasonable or considerate nothing cried i i am deeply sensible of it in this position of affairs said miss again referring to her notes and admitting his visits on this understanding only we must require from mr a distinct assurance on his word of honor that no communication
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of any kind shall take place between him and our niece without our knowledge that no project whatever shall be entertained with regard to our niece without being first submitted to us the personal history and experience to you sister miss interposed be it so assented to me and receiving our we must make this a most express and serious not to be broken on any account we wished mr to be accompanied by some confidential friend to day with an inclination of her head towards who bowed in order that there might be no doubt or on this subject if mr or if you mr feel the least scruple in giving this promise i beg you to take time to consider it i exclaimed in a state of high that not a moment s consideration could be necessary i bound myself by the required promise in a most impassioned manner called upon to witness it and myself as the most of characters if i ever from it in the least degree stay said miss holding up her hand we resolved before we had the pleasure of receiving you two gentlemen to leave you alone for a quarter of an hour to consider this point you will allow us to retire it was in vain for me to say that no consideration was necessary they persisted in withdrawing for the time accordingly these little birds out with great dignity leaving me to receive the congratulations of and to feel as if i were translated to regions of exquisite happiness exactly at the of the quarter of an hour they reappeared with no less dignity than they had disappeared they had gone rustling away as if their little dresses were made of and they came rustling back in like manner i then bound myself once more to the prescribed conditions sister said miss the rest is with you miss her arms for the first took the notes and glanced at them we shall be happy said miss to see mr to dinner every sunday if it suit his convenience our hour is three i bowed in the course of the week said miss we shall be happy to see mr to tea our hour is half past six i bowed again twice in the week said miss but as a rule not oftener i bowed again miss said miss mentioned in mr s letter will perhaps call upon us when visiting is better for the happiness of all parties we are glad to receive visits and return them when it is better for the happiness of all parties that no visiting should take place as in the case of our brother francis and his establishment that is quite different i intimated that my aunt would be proud and delighted to make their acquaintance though i must say i was not quite e of their getting on very satisfactorily together the conditions being now closed i expressed my in the warmest manner and taking the hand first of miss and then of miss pressed it in each to my lips miss then arose and begging mr to excuse us for a of david minute requested me to follow her i obeyed all in a tremble and was conducted into another room there i found my blessed darling stopping her ears behind the door with her dear little face against the wall and in the plate warmer with his head tied up in a oh how beautiful she was in her black frock and how she sobbed and cried at first and wouldn t come out from behind the door how fond we were of one another when she did come out at last and what a state of bliss i was in when we took out of the plate warmer and restored him to the light very much and were all three my dearest now indeed my own for ever oh don t pleaded please are you not my own for ever oh yes of course i am cried but i am so frightened my own oh yes i don t like him said why don t he go who my life your friend said it isn t any business of his what a stupid he must be my love there never was anything so as her childish ways he is the best creature oh but we don t want any best creatures my dear i argued you will soon know him well and like him of all things and here is my aunt coming soon and you like her of all things too when you know her no please don t bring her said giving me a little kiss and folding her hands don t i know she s a naughty old thing don t let her come here which was a corruption of david was of no use then so i laughed and admired and was very much in love and very happy and she showed me s new trick of standing on his hind legs in a corner which he did for about the space of a flash of lightning and then fell down and i don t know how long i should have stayed there of if miss had not come in to take me away miss was very fond of she told me was exactly like what she had been herself at her she must have altered a good deal and she treated just as if she had been a toy i wanted to persuade to come and see but on my proposing it she ran off to her own room and locked herself in so i went to without her and walked away with him on air nothing could be more satisfactory said and they are very agreeable old ladies i am sure i shouldn t be at all surprised if you were to be married years before me does
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your play on any instrument i ed in the pride of my heart she knows enough of the piano to teach it to her little sisters said does she sing at all i asked why she sings sometimes to up the others a little when they re out of spirits said nothing scientific she doesn t sing to the said i the history and experience oh dear no said paint at all not at all said i promised that he should hear sing and see some of her flower painting he said he should like it very much and we went home aim in arm in great good humour and delight i encouraged him to talk about on the way which he did with a loving reliance on her that i very much admired i compared her in my mind with with considerable inward satisfaction but i candidly admitted to myself that she seemed to be an excellent kind of girl for too of course my aunt was immediately made acquainted with the successful issue of the conference and with all that had been said and done in the course of it she was happy to see me so happy and promised to call on s without loss of time but she took such a long walk up and down our rooms that night while i was writing to that i began to think she meant to walk till morning my letter to was a fervent and grateful one all the good effects that had resulted from my following her advice she wrote by return of post to me her letter was hopeful earnest and cheerful she was always cheerful from that time i had my hands more full than ever now my daily to considered was a long way off and i naturally wanted to go there as often as i could the proposed tea being quite i with miss for permission to visit every saturday afternoon without to my privileged sundays so the close of every week was a delicious time for me and got through the rest of the week by looking forward to it i was wonderfully relieved to find that my aunt and s rubbed on all things considered much more smoothly than i could have expected my aunt made her promised visit within a few days of the conference and within a few more days s called upon her in due state and form similar but more friendly took place afterwards usually at intervals of three or four weeks i know that my aunt distressed s very much by utterly setting at naught the dignity of fly conveyance and walking out to at extraordinary times as shortly after breakfast or just before tea likewise by wearing her bonnet in any manner that happened to be comfortable to her head without at all to the prejudices of on that subject but s soon agreed to regard my aunt as an eccentric and somewhat masculine lady with a strong understanding and although my aunt occasionally ruffled the feathers of s by expressing opinions on various points of ceremony she loved me too well not to sacrifice some of her little peculiarities to the general harmony the only member of our small society who positively refused to himself to circumstances was he never saw my aunt without immediately displaying every tooth in his head retiring under a chair and growling incessantly with now and then a howl as if she really were too much for his feelings all kinds of treatment were tried with him scolding bringing him to street where he instantly dashed at the two cats to the terror of all op david but he never could prevail upon himself to bear my aunt s society he would sometimes think he had got the better of his objection and be amiable for a few minutes and then would put up his nose and howl to that extent that there was nothing for it but to blind him and put him in the plate warmer at length regularly muffled him in a and shut him up there whenever my aunt was reported at the door one thing troubled me much after we had fallen into this quiet train it was that seemed by one consent to be regarded like a pretty toy or my aunt with whom she gradually became familiar always called her little blossom and the pleasure of miss s life was to wait upon her curl her hair make ornaments for her and treat her like a pet child what miss did her sister did as a matter of course it was very odd to me but they all seemed to treat in her degree much as treated in his i made up my mind to speak to about this and one day when we were out walking for we were by miss after a while to go out walking by ourselves said to her that i wished she could get them to behave towards her differently because you know my darling i remonstrated you are not a child there said now you re going to be cross cross my love i am sure they re very kind to me said and i am very happy well but my dearest life said i you might be very happy and yet be treated gave me a look the prettiest look and then began to sob saying if i didn t like her why had i ever wanted so much to be engaged to her and why didn t i go away now if i couldn t bear her what could i do but kiss away her tears and tell her how i on her after that i am sure i am very affectionate said you t to be cruel to me cruel my precious love as if i would or could be cruel to you for the world then don
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t find fault with me said making a of her mouth and i be good i was charmed by her presently asking me of her own accord to give her that book i had once spoken of and to show her how to keep accounts as i had once promised i would i brought the volume with me on my next visit i got it prettily bound first to make it look less dry and more inviting and as we strolled about the common i showed her an old housekeeping book of my aunt s and gave her a set of and a pretty little pencil case and box of leads to practise housekeeping with but the book made s head ache and the figures made her cry they wouldn t add up she said so she rubbed them out and drew little and of me and all over the the personal and experience i tried verbal instruction in domestic matters as we walked about on a saturday afternoon sometimes for example when we passed a butcher s shop i would say now suppose my pet that we were married and you were going to buy a shoulder of mutton for dinner would you know how to buy it my pretty little s face would fall and she would make her mouth into a bud again as if she would very much prefer to shut mine with a kiss would you know how to buy it my darling i would repeat perhaps if i were very would think a little and then reply perhaps with great triumph why the butcher would know how to sell it and what need know oh you silly boy so when i once asked with an eye to the book what she would do if we were married and i were to say i should like a nice irish she replied that she would tell the servant to make it and then clapped her little hands together across my arm and laughed in such a charming manner that she was more delightful than ever consequently the principal use to which the book was devoted was being put down in the corner for to stand upon but was so pleased she had trained him to stand upon it without to come off and at the same time to hold the pencil case in his mouth that i was very glad i had bought it and we fell back on the case and the flower painting and the songs about never leaving off dancing ta ra la and were as happy as the week was long i occasionally wished i could venture to hint to miss that she treated the darling of my heart a little too much like a and i sometimes awoke as it were wondering to find that i had fallen into the general fault and treated her like a too but not often chapter mischief i feel as if it were not for me to record even though this manuscript is intended for no eyes but mine how hard i worked at that tremendous short hand and all improvement to it iu my sense of responsibility to and her i will only add to what i have already written of my perseverance at this time of my life and of a patient and continuous energy which then began to be within me and which i know to be the strong part of my character if it have any strength at all that there on looking back i find the source of my success i have been very fortunate in worldly matters many men have worked much harder and not succeeded half so well but i never could have done what i have done without the habits of order and diligence without the determination to myself on one object at a time no matter how quickly its successor should come upon its heels which i then formed heaven knows i write this in no spirit of self of david the man who his own life as i do mine in going on here from page to page had need to have been a good man indeed if he would be spared the sharp consciousness of many talents neglected wasted many and feelings constantly at war within his breast and him i do not hold one natural gift i dare say that i have not abused my meaning simply is that whatever i have tried to do in life i have tried with all my heart to do well that whatever i have devoted myself to i have devoted myself to completely that in great aims and in small i have always been thoroughly in earnest i have never believed it possible that any natural or improved ability can claim from the companionship of the steady plain qualities and hope to gain its end there is no such thing as such fulfilment on this earth some happy talent and some fortunate opportunity may form the two sides of the ladder on which some men mount but the rounds of that ladder must be made of stuff to stand wear and tear and there is no substitute for thorough going ardent and sincere earnestness never to put one hand to anything on which i could throw my whole self and never to affect of my work whatever it was i find now to have been my golden rules how much of the practice i have just reduced to i owe to i will not repeat here my narrative proceeds to with a thankful love she came on a visit of a fortnight to the doctor s mr was the doctor s old friend and the doctor wished to talk with him and do him good it had been matter of conversation with when she was last in town and this visit was the result she and her father came together i was not much surprised
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to hear from her that she had engaged to find a lodging in the neighbourhood for mrs whose complaint required change of air and who would be charmed to have it in such company neither was i surprised when on the very next day like a dutiful son brought his worthy mother to take possession you see master said he as he forced himself upon my company for a turn in the doctor s garden where a person loves a person is a little jealous anxious to keep an eye on the beloved one of whom are you jealous now said i thanks to you master he returned of no one in particular just at present no male person at least do you mean that you are jealous of a female person he gave me a glance out of his sinister red eyes and laughed master he said i should say but i know you excuse the i ve got into you re so that you draw me like a well i don t mind telling you putting his fish like hand on mine i m not a lady s man in general sir and i never was with mrs strong his eyes looked green now as they watched mine with a cunning what do you mean said i why though i am a lawyer master he replied with a dry grin i mean just at present what i say f the personal and experience and what do you mean by your look i retorted quietly by my look dear me that s sharp practice what do i mean by my look yes said i by your look he seemed very much amused and laughed as heartily as it was in his nature to laugh after some of his chin with his hand he went on to say with his eyes cast downward still very slowly when i was but a clerk she always looked down upon me she was for ever having my backwards and forwards at her and she was for ever being a friend to you master but i was too far beneath her myself to be noticed well said i suppose you were and beneath him too pursued very distinctly and in a meditative tone of voice as he continued to scrape his chin don t you know the doctor better said i than to suppose him conscious of your existence when you were not before him he directed his eyes at me in that glance again and he made his face very lantern for the greater convenience of as he answered oh dear i am not referring to the doctor oh no poor man i mean mr my heart quite died within me ah my old doubts and apprehensions on that subject all the doctor s happiness and peace all the mingled possibilities of innocence and compromise that i could not i saw in a moment at the mercy of this fellow s twisting he never into the office without ordering and me about said one of your fine gentlemen he was i was very meek and and i am but i didn t like that sort of thing and i don t he left off his chin and sucked in his cheeks until they seemed to meet inside keeping his glance upon me all the while she is one of your lovely women she is he pursued when he had slowly restored his face to its natural form and ready to be no friend to such as me know she s just the person as would put my up to higher sort of game now i ain t one of your lady s men master but i ve had eyes in my ed a pretty long time back we ones have got eyes mostly speaking and we look out of em i endeavoured to appear unconscious and not but i saw in his face with poor success now i m not a going to let myself be run down he continued raising that part of his countenance where his red eyebrows would have been if he had had any with malignant triumph and i shall do what i can to put a stop to this friendship i don t approve of it i don t mind acknowledging to you that i ve got rather a disposition and want to keep off all i ain t a going if i know it to run the risk of being against you are always and yourself into the belief that everybody else is doing the like i think said i perhaps so master he replied but i ve got a motive as my fellow partner used to say and i go at it tooth and nail i of david mustn t be put upon as a person too much i can t allow people in my way they must come out of the cart master i don t understand you said i don t you though he returned with one of his i m astonished at that master you being usually so quick i try to be another time is that mr a at the gate sir it looks like him i replied as carelessly as i could stopped short put his hands between his great of knees and doubled himself up with laughter with perfectly silent laughter not a sound escaped from him i was so by his odious behaviour by this concluding instance that i turned away without any ceremony and left him doubled up in the middle of the garden like a in want of support it was not on that evening but as i well remember on the next evening but one which was a saturday that i took to see i had arranged the visit beforehand with miss and was expected to tea i was in a flutter of pride and
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anxiety pride in my dear little and anxiety that should like her all the way to being inside the stage coach and i outside i pictured to myself in every one of the pretty looks i knew so well now making up my mind that i should like her to look exactly as she looked at such a time and then doubting whether i should not prefer her looking as she looked at such another time and almost worrying myself into a fever about it i was troubled by no doubt of her being very pretty in any case but it fell out that i had never seen her look so weu she was not in the drawing room when i presented to her little but was keeping out of the way i knew where to look for her now and sure enough i found her stopping her ears again behind the same dull old door at first she wouldn t come at all and then she pleaded for five minutes by my watch when at length she put her arm through mine to be taken to the drawing room her charming little face was flushed and had never been so pretty but when we went into the room and it turned pale she was ten thousand times prettier yet was afraid of she had told me that she knew was too clever but when she saw her looking at once so cheerful and so earnest and so thoughtful and so good she gave a faint little cry of pleased surprise and just put her aft arms round s neck and laid her innocent cheek against her face i never was so happy i never was so pleased as when i saw those two sit down together side by side as when i saw my little darling looking up so naturally to those cordial eyes as when i saw the tender beautiful regard which cast upon her miss and miss partook in their way of my joy it was the tea table in the world miss presided i cut and handed the sweet seed cake the little sisters had a bird like fondness for picking up seeds and at sugar j miss looked on with the personal history and experience patronage as if our happy love were all her work and we were perfectly contented with ourselves and one another the gentle cheerfulness of went to all their hearts her quiet interest in everything that interested her manner of making acquaintance with who responded instantly her pleasant way when was ashamed to come over to her usual seat by me her modest grace and ease a crowd of blushing little marks of confidence from seemed to make our circle quite complete i am so glad said after tea that you like me i didn t think you would and i want more than ever to be liked now mills is gone i have omitted to mention it by the bye miss mills had sailed and and i had gone aboard a great east at to see her and we had had preserved and and other of that sort for lunch and we had left miss mills w on a on the quarter deck with a large new under her arm in which the original reflections awakened by the contemplation of ocean were to be recorded under lock and key said she was afraid i must have given her an character but corrected that directly oh no she said shaking her curls at me it was all praise he thinks so much of your opinion that i was quite afraid of it my good opinion cannot strengthen his attachment to some people whom he knows said with a smile it is not worth their having but please let me have it said in her way if you can we made merry about s wanting to be liked and said i was a goose and she didn t like me at any rate and the short evening flew away on wings the time was at hand when the coach was to call for us i was standing alone before the fire when came stealing softly in to give me that usual precious little kiss before i went don t you think if i had had her for a friend a long time ago said her bright eyes shining very brightly and her little right hand idly itself with one of the buttons of my coat i might have been more clever perhaps my love said i what nonsense do you think it is nonsense returned without looking at me are you sure it is of course i am i have forgotten said still turning the button round and round what relation is to you you dear bad boy no blood relation i replied but we were brought up together like brother and sister i wonder why you ever fell in love with me said beginning on another button of my coat perhaps because i couldn t see you and not love you suppose you had never seen me at all said going to another button suppose we had never been born said i gaily of david s i wondered what she was thinking about as i glanced in admiring silence at the little soft hand travelling up the row of buttons on my coat and at the hair that lay against my breast and at the lashes of her downcast eyes slightly rising as they followed her idle fingers at length her eyes were lifted up to mine and she stood on to give me more thoughtfully than usual that precious little kiss once twice three times and went out of the room they all came back together five minutes afterwards and s unusual was quite gone then she was resolved to put through the whole of his performances before the coach came they took some time not so
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much on account of their variety as s reluctance and were still unfinished when it was heard at the door there was a hurried but affectionate parting between and herself and was to write to who was not to mind her letters being foolish she said and was to write to and they had a second parting at the coach door and a third when in spite of the of miss would come running out once more to remind at the coach window about writing and to shake her curls at me on the box the stage coach was to put us down near garden where we were to take another stage coach for i was impatient for the short walk in the interval that might praise to me ah what praise it was how lovingly and fervently did it commend the pretty creature i had won with all her graces best displayed to my most gentle care how thoughtfully remind me yet with no pretence of doing so of the trust in which i held the orphan child never never had i loved so deeply and truly as i loved her that night when we had again alighted and were walking in the along the quiet road that led to the doctor s house i told it was her doing when you were sitting by her said i you seemed to be no less guardian angel than mine and you seem so now a poor angel she returned but faithful the clear tone of her voice going straight to my heart made it natural to me to say the cheerfulness that belongs to you and to no one else that ever i have seen is so restored have observed to day that i have begun to hope you are happier at home am happier in myself she said i am quite cheerful and i glanced at the serene face looking upward and thought it was the stars that made it seem so noble there has been no change at home said after a few moments no fresh reference said i to i wouldn t distress you but i cannot help asking to what we spoke of when we parted last no none she answered i have thought so much about it you must think less about it that i confide in simple love and truth at last have no apprehensions for me she added after a moment the step you dread my taking i shall never take although i think i had never really feared it in any season of cool the personal history and experience reflection it was an unspeakable relief to me to have this assurance from her own truthful lips i told her so earnestly and when this visit is over said i for we may not be alone another time how long is it likely to be my dear before you come to london again probably a long time she replied i think it will be best for papa s sake to remain at home we are not likely to meet often for some time to come but i shall be a good correspondent of s and we shall frequently hear of one another that way we were now within the little court yard of the doctor s cottage it was growing late there was a light in the window of mrs strong s chamber and pointing to it bade me good night do not be troubled she said giving me her hand by our misfortunes and anxieties i can be happier in nothing than in your happiness if you can ever give me help rely upon it i will ask you for it bless you always in her beaming smile and in these last tones of her cheerful voice i seemed again to see and hear my little in her company i stood awhile looking through the porch at the stars with a heart full of love and gratitude and then walked slowly forth i had engaged a bed at a decent close by and was going out at the gate when happening to turn my head i saw a light in the doctor s study a half fancy came into my mind that he had been working at the dictionary without my help with the view of seeing if this were so and in any case of bidding him good night if he were yet sitting among his books i turned back and going softly across the hall and gently opening the door looked in the first person whom i saw to my surprise by the sober light of the shaded lamp was he was standing close beside it with one of his skeleton hands over his mouth and the other resting on the doctor s table the doctor sat in his study chair covering liis face with his hands mr sorely troubled and distressed was leaning forward touching the doctor s arm for an instant i supposed that the doctor was ill i hastily advanced a step under that impression when i met s eye and saw what was the matter i would have withdrawn but the doctor made a gesture to detain me and i remained at any rate observed with a of his person we may keep the door shut we needn t make it known to all the town saying which he went on his toes to the door which i had left open and carefully closed it he then came back and took up his former position there was an show of compassionate zeal in his voice and more intolerable at least to me than any he could have assumed i have felt it incumbent upon me master said to point out to doctor strong what you and me have already talked about you didn t exactly understand me though i gave him a look but no other answer and
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he dared refer to me oh it s very kind of you returned all over and we all know what an amiable character yours is but you know that the moment i spoke to you the other night you knew what i meant you know you knew what meant don t deny it you deny it with the best intentions but don t do it i saw the mild eye of the good old doctor turned upon me for a moment and i felt that the confession of my old and w as too plainly written in my face to be overlooked it was of no use raging i could not undo that say what i would i could not it we were silent again and remained so until the doctor rose and of david walked twice or thrice across the room presently he returned to where his chair stood and leaning on the back of it and occasionally putting his handkerchief to his eyes with a simple honesty that did him more honor to my thinking than any disguise he could have said i have been much to blame i believe i have been very much to blame i have exposed one whom i hold in my heart to trials and i call them even to have been conceived in anybody s inmost mind of which she never but for me could have been the object gave a kind of i think to express sympathy of which my said the doctor never but for me could have been the object gentlemen i am old now as you know i do not feel to night that i have much to live for but my life my life upon the truth and honor of the dear lady who has been the subject of this conversation i do not think that the best of chivalry the of the and most romantic figure ever imagined by painter could have said this with a more impressive and affecting dignity than the plain old doctor did but i am not prepared he went on to deny perhaps i may have been without knowing it in some degree prepared to admit that i may have that lady into an unhappy marriage i am a man quite to observe and i cannot but believe that the observation of several people of different ages and positions all too plainly tending in one direction and that so al is better than mine i had often admired as i have elsewhere described his manner towards his youthful wife but the respectful tenderness he manifested in every reference to her on this occasion and the almost manner in which he put away from him the doubt of her integrity exalted him in my eyes beyond description i married that lady said the doctor when she was extremely young i took her to myself when her character was scarcely formed so far as it was developed it had been my happiness to form it i knew her father well i knew her well i had taught her what i could for the love of all her beautiful and virtuous qualities if i did her wrong as i fear i did in taking advantage but i never meant it of her gratitude and her affection i ask pardon of that lady in my heart lie walked across the room and came back to the same place holding the chair with a grasp that trembled like his subdued voice in its earnestness i regarded myself as a refuge for her from the dangers and of life i persuaded myself that unequal though we were in years she would live and with me i did not shut out of my consideration the time when i should leave her free and still young and still beautiful but with her judgment more no gentlemen upon my truth t his homely figure seemed to be lightened up by his fidelity and i generosity every word he uttered had a force that no other grace could have imparted to it the personal and experience my life with this lady has been very happy to night i have had occasion to bless the day on which i did her great injustice his voice more and more faltering in the utterance of these words stopped for a few moments then he went on once awakened from my dream have been a poor in one way or other all my life i see how natural it is that she should have some feeling towards her old companion and her equal that she does regard him with some innocent regret with some thoughts of what might have been but for me is i fear too true much that i have seen but not noted has come back upon me with new meaning during this last trying hour but beyond this gentlemen the dear lady s name never must be coupled with a word a breath of doubt for a little while his eye kindled and his voice was firm for a little while he was again silent presently he proceeded as before it only remains for me to bear the knowledge of the i have occasioned as as i can it is she who should reproach not i to save her from cruel that even my friends have not been able to avoid becomes my duty the more retired we live the better i shall discharge it and when the time comes may it come soon if it be his merciful pleasure when my death shall release her from i shall close my eyes upon her honored face with unbounded confidence and love and leave her with no sorrow then to happier and brighter days i could not see him for the tears which his earnestness and goodness so adorned by and so the perfect simplicity of his manner brought into
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my eyes he had moved to the door when he added gentlemen i have shown you my heart i am sure you will respect it what we have said to night is never to be said more give me an old friend s arm up stairs mr hastened to him without a word they went slowly out of the room together looking after them well master said meekly turning to me the thing hasn t took quite the turn that might have been expected for the old scholar what an excellent man is as blind as a but this family s out of the cart i think i needed but the sound of his voice to be so madly enraged as i never was before and never have been since you villain said i what do you mean by me into your schemes how dare you appeal to me just now you false rascal as if we had been in discussion together as we stood front to front i saw so plainly in the stealthy exultation of his face what i already so plainly knew i mean that he forced his confidence upon me expressly to make me miserable and had set a deliberate trap for me in this very matter that i couldn t bear it the whole of his cheek was before me and i it with my open hand with that force that my fingers as if i had burnt them he caught the hand in his and we stood in that looking at each other we stood so a long time long enough for me to see the of david white marks of my fingers die out of tlie deep red of his cheek and leave it a deeper red he said at length in a breathless voice have you taken leave of your senses i have taken leave of you said i my hand away you dog i know no more of you won t you said he constrained by the pain of his cheek to put his hand there perhaps you won t be able to help it isn t this ungrateful of you now i have shown you often enough said i that i despise you i have shown you now more plainly that i do why should i dread your doing your worst to all about you what else do you ever do he perfectly understood this allusion to the considerations that had hitherto restrained me in my communications with him i rather think that neither the blow nor the allusion would have escaped me but for the assurance i had had from that night it is no matter there was another long pause his eyes as he looked at me seemed to take every shade of color that could make eyes ugly he said removing his hand from his cheek you have always gone against me i know you s used to be against me at mr s you may think what you like said i still in a towering rage if it is not true so much the you and yet i always liked you he rejoined i to make him no reply and taking up my hat was going out to bed when he came between me and the door he said there must be two parties to a quarrel i won t be one you may go to the devil said i don t say that he replied i know you be sorry afterwards how can you make yourself so inferior to me as to show such a bad spirit but i forgive you you forgive me i repeated i do and you can t help yourself replied to think of your going and attacking me that have always been a friend to you but there can t be a quarrel without two parties and i won t be one i will be a friend to you in spite of you so now you know what you ve got to expect the necessity of carrying on this dialogue his part in which was very slow mine very quick in a low tone that the house might not be disturbed at an hour did not improve my temper though my passion was down merely telling him that i should expect from him what i always had expected and had never yet been disappointed in i opened the door upon him as if he had been a great put there to be cracked and went out of the house but he slept out of the house too at his mother s lodging and before i had gone many hundred yards came up with me you know he said in my ear i did not turn my head you re in quite a wrong position which i felt to be true and that made me the more you can t make this a brave thing the history and experience and you can t help being forgiven i don t intend to mention it to mother nor to any living soul i m determined to forgive you but i do wonder that you should lift your hand against a person that you knew to be so i felt only less mean than he he knew me better than i knew myself if he had retorted or openly exasperated me it would have been a relief and a justification but he had put me on a slow fire on which i lay tormented half the night in the morning when i came out the early church bell was ringing and he was walking up and down with his mother he addressed me as if nothing had happened and i could do no less than reply i had struck him hard enough to give him the i suppose at all events his face was tied up in a black silk handkerchief which with his hat perched on the top of it was
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far from improving his appearance i heard that he went to a s in london on the monday morning and had a tooth out i hope it was a double one the doctor gave out that he was not quite well and remained alone for a considerable part of every day during the remainder of the visit and her father had been gone a week before we resumed our usual work on the day preceding its the doctor gave me with his om n hands a folded note not sealed it was addressed to myself and laid an on me in a few affectionate words never to refer to the subject of that evening i had confided it to my aunt but to no one else it was not a subject i could discuss with and certainly had not the least suspicion of what had passed neither i felt convinced had mrs strong then several weeks elapsed before i saw the least change in her it came on slowly like a cloud when there is no wind at first she seemed to wonder at the gentle compassion with which the doctor spoke to her and at his wish that she should have her mother with her to relieve the dull monotony of her life often when we were at work and she was sitting by i would see her pausing and looking at him with that memorable face afterwards i sometimes observed her rise with her eyes full of tears and go out of the room gradually an unhappy shadow fell upon her beauty and deepened every day mrs was a regular of the cottage then but she talked and talked and saw nothing as this change stole on once like sunshine in the doctor s house the doctor became older in appearance and more grave but the sweetness of his temper the placid kindness of his manner and his benevolent solicitude for her if they were capable of any increase were increased i saw him once early on the morning of her birthday when she came to sit in the window while we were at work which she had always done but now began to do with a timid and uncertain that i thought very touching take her forehead between his hands kiss it and go hurriedly away too much moved to remain i saw her stand where he had left her like a statue and then bend down her head and clasp her hands and weep i cannot say how sorrowfully sometimes after that i fancied that she tried to speak even to me in intervals when we were left alone but she never uttered word the doctor always had some new project for her in amusement of david away from home with her mother and mrs who was very fond of amusements and very easily dissatisfied with anything else entered into them with great good will and was loud in her but in a unhappy way only went whither she was led and seemed to have no care for anything i did not know what to think neither did my aunt who must have walked at various times a hundred miles in her uncertainty what was strangest of all was that the only real relief which seemed to make its way into the secret region of this domestic made its way there in the person of mr dick what his thoughts were on the subject or what his observation was i am as unable to explain as i dare say he would have been to assist me in the task but as i have recorded in the narrative of my school days his veneration for the doctor was unbounded and there is a of perception in real attachment even when it is borne towards man by one of the lower animals which leaves the highest intellect behind to this mind of the heart if i may call it so in mr dick some bright ray of the truth shot straight he had proudly resumed his privilege in many of his spare hours of walking up and down the garden with the doctor as he had been accustomed to pace up and down the doctor s walk at but matters were no sooner in this state than he devoted all his spare time and got up earlier to make it more to these if he had never been so happy as when the doctor read that performance the dictionary to him he was now quite miserable unless the doctor pulled it out of his pocket and began when the doctor and i were engaged he now fell into the custom of walking up and down with mrs strong and helping her to trim her favorite flowers or weed the beds i dare say he rarely spoke a dozen words in an hour but his quiet interest and his wistful face found immediate response in both their breasts each knew that the other liked him and that he loved both and he became what no one else could be a link between them when i think of him with his wise face walking up and down with the doctor delighted to be battered by the hard words in the dictionary when i think of him carrying huge watering pots after kneeling down in very of gloves at patient work among the little leaves expressing as no philosopher could have expressed in every thing he did a delicate desire to be her friend sympathy and affection out of every hole in the watering pot when i think of him never wandering in that better mind of his to which addressed itself never bringing the unfortunate king charles into the garden never wavering in his grateful service never diverted from his knowledge that there was something wrong or from his wish to set it right i really feel almost ashamed of having known that he was not quite in
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his wits taking account of the utmost i have done with mine nobody but myself trot knows what that man is my aunt would proudly remark when we conversed about it dick will distinguish himself yet i must refer to one other topic before i close this chapter while the the personal and experience visit at the doctor s was still in ess i observed that the brought two or three letters every morning for who remained at until the rest went back it being a leisure time and that these were always directed in a business like manner by mr who now assumed a round legal hand i was glad to infer from these slight premises that mr was doing well and consequently was much surprised to receive about this time the following letter from his amiable wife monday evening you will doubtless be surprised my dear mr to receive this communication still more so by its contents still more so by the of confidence which i beg to impose but my feelings as a wife and mother require relief and as i do not wish to consult my family already to the feelings of mr i know no one of whom i can better ask advice than my friend and former you maybe aware my dear mr that between myself and mr whom i will never desert there has always been preserved a it of mutual confidence mr may have occasionally given a bill without consulting me or he may have me as to the period when that obligation would become due this has actually happened but in general mr has had no secrets from the bosom of affection i allude to his wife and has invariably on om retirement to rest recalled the events of the day you will picture to yourself my dear mi what the of my feelings must be when i inform you that mr is changed he is reserved he is secret his life is a mystery to the partner of his joys and sorrows i again allude to his wife and if i should assure you that beyond knowing that it is passed from morning to night at the office i now know less of it than i do of the man in the south connected with whose mouth the thoughtless children repeat an idle tale respecting cold i should adopt a popular to express an actual fact but this is not all mr is he is severe he is from our eldest son and daughter he has no pride in his he looks with an eye of coldness even on the stranger who last became a member of our the pecuniary means of meeting our expenses kept down to the utmost are obtained from him with great difficulty and even under fearful threats that he will settle himself the exact expression and he refuses to give any explanation whatever of this policy this is hard to bear this is heart breaking if you will advise me knowing my feeble powers such as they are how you think it will be best to exert them in a so unwonted you will add another friendly obligation to the many you have already rendered me with loves from the children and a smile from the happily unconscious stranger i remain dear mr your afflicted of david i did not feel justified in giving a wife of mrs s experience any other recommendation than that she should try to mr by patience and kindness as i knew she would in any case but the letter set me thinking about him very much chapter another once again let me pause upon a memorable period of my life let me stand aside to see the of those days go by me accompanying the shadow of myself in dim procession weeks months seasons pass along they seem little more than a summer day and a winter evening now the common where i walk with is all in bloom a field of bright gold and now the unseen lies in and underneath a covering of snow in a breath the river that flows through our sunday walks is sparkling in the summer sun is ruffled by the winter wind or with drifting heaps of ice than ever river ran towards the sea it flashes and rolls away not a thread changes in the house of the two little bird like ladies the clock over the fire place the weather glass hangs in the hall neither clock nor weather glass is ever right but we believe in both devoutly i have come to man s estate i have attained the dignity of twenty one but this is a sort of dignity that may be thrust upon one let me think what i have achieved i have tamed that savage mystery i make a respectable income by it i am in high for my accomplishment in all to the art and am joined with eleven others in the in parliament for a morning newspaper night after night i record that never come to pass professions that are never fulfilled explanations that are only meant to i in words that unfortunate female is always before me like a fowl through and through with office pens and bound hand and foot with red i am sufficiently behind the scenes to know the worth of political life i am quite an about it and shall never be converted my dear old has tried his hand at the same pursuit but it is not in s way he is perfectly good humoured respecting his failure and reminds me that he always did consider himself slow has occasional employment on the same newspaper in getting up the facts of dry subjects to be written about and by more fertile he is called to the bar and with admirable industry and self denial has scraped another hundred pounds together to fee a whose
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chambers he a great deal of very hot port wine was consumed the personal history and experience at his call and considering the figure i should think the inner temple must have made a profit by it i have come out in another way i have taken with fear and trembling to i wrote a little something in secret and sent it to a magazine and it was published in the magazine since then i have taken heart to write a good many trifling pieces now i am regularly paid for them altogether i am well off when i tell my income on the fingers of my left hand i pass the third finger and take in the fourth to the middle joint we have removed from street to a pleasant little cottage very near the one i looked at when my enthusiasm first came on my aunt however who has sold the house at to good advantage is going to remain here but removing herself to a still more tiny cottage close at hand what does this my marriage yes yes i am going to be married to miss and miss have given their consent and if ever birds were in a flutter they are miss self charged with the of my darling s wardrobe is constantly cutting out brown paper and in opinion from a highly respectable young man with a long bundle and a yard measure under his arm a always in the breast with a needle and thread boards and in the house and seems to me eating drinking or sleeping never to take her off they make a lay figure of my dear they are always sending for her to come and try something on we can t be happy together for five minutes in the evening but some female at the door and says oh if you please miss would you step up stairs miss and my aunt all over london to find out articles of furniture for and me to look at it would be better for them to buy the goods at once without this ceremony of inspection for when we go to see a kitchen and meat screen sees a chinese house for with little bells on the top and prefers and it takes a long time to to his new residence after we have bought it whenever he goes in or out he makes all the little bells ring and is horribly frightened comes up to make herself useful and falls to work immediately her department appears to be to clean everything over and over again she everything that can be rubbed until it shines like her own honest forehead with perpetual and now it is that i begin to see her solitary brother passing through the dark streets at night and looking as he goes among the wandering faces i never speak to him at such an hour i know too well as his grave figure passes onward what he seeks and what he why does look so important when he calls upon me this afternoon in the where i still occasionally attend for form s sake when i have time the of my boyish day dreams is at hand i am going to take out the license it is a little document to do so much and it as it lies upon my desk half in admiration half in awe there are the names in the sweet old visionary david and of david and there in the corner is that parental institution the stamp office which is so interested in the various transactions of human life looking down upon our union and there is the of a blessing on us in print and doing it as cheap as could possibly be expected nevertheless i am in a dream a happy hurried dream i can t believe that it is going to be and yet i can t believe but that i pass in the street must have some kind of perception that i am to be married the day after to morrow the knows me when i go down to be sworn and of me easily as if there were a understanding between us is not at all wanted but is in attendance as my general i hope the next time you come here my dear fellow i say to it will be on the same errand for yourself and i hope it will be soon thank you for your good wishes my dear he replies i hope so too it s a satisfaction to know that she wait for me any length of time and that she really is the dearest girl when are you to meet her at the coach i ask at seven says looking at his plain old silver watch the very watch he once took a wheel out of at school to make a water that is about miss s time is it not a little earlier her time is half past eight i assure you my dear boy says i am almost as pleased as if i were going to be married myself to think that this event is coming to such a happy termination and really the great friendship and consideration of personally with the joyful occasion and inviting her to be a in with miss demands my warmest thanks i am extremely sensible of it i hear him and shake hands with him and we talk and walk and dine and so on but i don t believe it nothing is real arrives at the house of s in due course she has the most agreeable of faces not absolutely beautiful but pleasant and is one of the most genial unaffected frank engaging creatures i have ever seen presents her to us with great pride and his hands for ten minutes by the clock with every individual hair upon his head standing on when
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any religious dread of a disastrous of which renders it indispensable to set those vessels of upon the road to heaven of the clergyman and clerk appearing of a few and some other people strolling in of an ancient behind me strongly the church with rum of the service beginning in a deep voice and our all being very attentive of miss who acts as a semi being the first to cry and of her doing homage as i take it to the memory of in sobs of miss applying a smelling bottle of taking care of of my aunt endeavouring to represent herself as a model of with tears rolling down her face of little trembling very much and making her in faint whispers of our kneeling down together side by side of s trembling less and less but always clasping by the hand of the service being got through quietly and gravely of our all looking at each other in an april state of smiles and tears when it is over of my young wife being hysterical in the and crying for her poor papa her dear papa of her soon cheering up again and our the register all round of my going into the gallery for to bring her to sign it of s me in a corner and telling me she saw my own dear mother married of its being over and our going away of my walking so proudly and lovingly down the aisle with my sweet wife upon my arm through a mist of half seen people monuments organs and church windows in which there flutter faint airs of association with my childish church at home so long ago of their whispering as we pass what a youthful couple we are and what a pretty little wife she is of our all being so merry and in the carriage going back of telling us that when she the personal history and experience saw whom i had with the asked for it she fainted having been convinced that he would contrive to lose it or to have his pocket picked of laughing gaily and of being so fond of that she will not be separated from her but still keeps her hand of there being a breakfast with abundance of things pretty and substantial to eat and drink whereof i partake as i should do in dream without the least perception of their flavor eating and drinking as i may say nothing but love and marriage and no more believing in the than in anything else of my making a speech in the same dreamy fashion without having an idea of what i want to say beyond such as may be comprehended in the full conviction that i haven t said it of our being very and simply happy always in a dream though and of s having wedding cake and its not agreeing with him afterwards of the pair of hired post horses being ready and of s going away to change her dress of my aunt and miss remaining with us and our walking in the garden and my aunt who has made quite a speech at breakfast touching s being amused with herself but a little proud of it too of s being ready and of miss s hovering about her loth to lose the pretty toy that has given her so much pleasant occupation of s making a long series of surprised discoveries that she has forgotten all sorts of little things and of everybody s running everywhere to fetch them of their all closing about when at last she begins to say looking with their bright colors and ribbons like a bed of flowers of my darling being almost smothered among the flowers and coming out laughing and crying both together to my jealous arms of my wanting to carry who is to go along with us and s saying no that she must carry him or else he think she don t like him any more now she is married and will break his heart of our going arm in arm and stopping and looking back and saying if i have ever been cross or ungrateful to anybody don t remember it and bursting into tears of her waving her little hand and our going away once more of her once more stopping and looking back and hurrying to and giving above all the others her last kisses and we drive away together and i awake from the dream i believe it at last it is my dear dear little wife beside me whom i love so well are you happy now you foolish boy says and sure you don t repent i have stood aside to see the of those days go by me they are gone and i resume the journey of my story of david housekeeping it was a strange condition of things the honey moon being over and the gone home when i found myself sitting down in m y own small house with quite thrown out of employment as i may say in respect of the delicious old occupation of making love it seemed such an extraordinary thing to have always there it was so unaccountable not to be obliged to go out to see her not to have any occasion to be myself about her not to have to write ta her not to be and opportunities of being alone with her sometimes of an when i looked up from my writing and saw her seated opposite i would lean back in my chair and think how queer it was that there we were alone together as a matter of course nobody s business any more all the romance of our engagement put away upon a shelf to no one to please but one another one another to please for life when there was a debate and i was
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kept out very late it seemed so strange to me as i was walking home to think that was at home it was such a wonderful thing at first to have her coming softly down to talk to me as i ate my supper it was such a thing to know for certain that she put her hair in papers it was altogether such an astonishing event to see her do it i doubt whether two young birds could have known less about keeping house than i and my pretty did we had a servant of course she kept house for us i have still a latent belief that she must have been mrs s daughter in disguise we had such an awful time of it with mary anne her name was her nature was represented to us when we engaged her as being feebly expressed in her name she had a written character as large as a and according to this document could do everything of a domestic nature that ever i heard of and a great many things that i never did hear of she was a woman in the prime of life of a severe countenance and subject particularly in the arms to a sort of perpetual or fiery rash she had a cousin in the life guards with such long legs that he looked like the afternoon shadow of somebody else his shell jacket was as much too little for him as he was too big for the premises he made the cottage smaller than it need have been by being so very much out of proportion to it besides which the walls were not thick and whenever he passed the evening at our house we always knew of it by hearing one continual growl in the kitchen our treasure was sober and honest i am therefore willing to believe that she was in a fit when we found her under the and that the deficient were to the but she upon our minds dreadfully we felt our g g the personal history and experience and were unable to help ourselves we should have been at her mercy if she had had any but she was a woman and had none she was the cause of our first little quarrel my dearest life i said one day to do you think mary anne has any idea of time why inquired looking up innocently from her drawing my love because it s five and we were to have dined at four glanced at the clock and hinted that she thought it was too fast on the contrary my love said i referring to my watch it s a few minutes too slow my little wife came and sat upon my knee to me to be quiet and drew a line with her down the middle of my nose but i couldn t dine off that though it was very agreeable don t you think my dear said i it would be better for you to with mary anne oh no please i couldn t said why not my love i gently asked oh because i am such a little goose said and she knows i am i thought this sentiment so with the establishment of any system of check on mary anne that i frowned a little oh what ugly wrinkles in my bad boy s forehead said and still being on my knee she traced them with her pencil putting it to her rosy lips to make it mark and working at my forehead with a quaint little mockery of being industrious that quite delighted me in spite of myself there s a good child said it makes its face so much prettier to laugh but my love said t no no please cried with a kiss don t be a naughty blue beard don t be serious my precious wife said i we must be serious sometimes come sit down on this chair close beside me give me the pencil there now let us talk sensibly you know dear what a little hand it was to hold and what a tiny wedding ring it was to see you know my love it is not exactly comfortable to have to go out without one s dinner now is it n n no replied faintly my love how you tremble because i know you re going to me exclaimed in a piteous voice my sweet i am only going to reason oh but reasoning is worse than scolding exclaimed in despair i didn t to be reasoned with if you meant to reason with such a poor little thing as i am you ought to have told me so you cruel boy i tried to but she turned away her and shook her curls from side to side and said you cruel cruel boy i so many times of david that i really did not exactly know what to do so i took a few turns up and down the room in my uncertainty and came back again my darling no i am not your darling because you must be sorry that you married me or else you wouldn t reason with me i returned i felt so injured by the nature of this that it gave me courage to be grave now my own said i you are very childish and are talking nonsense you must remember i am sure that i was obliged to go out yesterday when dinner was half over and that the day before i was made quite by being obliged to eat in a hurry to day i don t dine at all and i am afraid to say how long we waited for breakfast and then the water didn t boil i don t mean to reproach you my dear but this is not comfortable oh you cruel cruel boy to say i am a disagreeable
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wife cried now my dear you must know that i never said that you said i wasn t comfortable said i said the housekeeping was not comfortable it s exactly the same thing cried and she evidently thought so for she wept most i took another turn across the room full of love for my pretty wife and distracted by self inclinations to knock my head against the door i sat down again and said i am not you we have both a great deal to learn i am only trying to show you my dear that you must you really must i was resolved not to give this up yourself to look after mary anne likewise to act a little for yourself and me i wonder i do at your making such ungrateful speeches sobbed when you know that the other day when you said you would like a little bit of fish i went out myself miles and miles and ordered it to surprise you and it was very kind of you my own darling said i i felt it so much that i wouldn t on any account have even mentioned that you bought a salmon which was too much for two or that it cost one pound six which was more than we can afford you enjoyed it very much sobbed and you said i was a mouse and i say so again my love i returned a thousand times but i had wounded s soft little heart and she was not to be comforted she was so pathetic in her sobbing and that i felt as if i had said i don t know what to hurt her i was obliged to hurry away i was kept out late and i felt all night such pangs of remorse as made me miserable i had the conscience of an and was haunted by a vague sense of enormous wickedness it was two or three hours past midnight when i got home i found my aunt in our house sitting up for me is anything the matter aunt said i alarmed nothing trot she replied sit down sit down little blossom has been rather out of spirits and i have been keeping her company that s all g g the personal history and experience i leaned my head upon my hand and felt more sorry and downcast as i sat looking at the fire than i could have supposed possible so soon after the fulfilment of my brightest hopes as i sat thinking i happened to meet my aunt s eyes which were resting on my face there was an anxious expression in them but it cleared directly i assure you aunt said i i have been quite unhappy myself all night to think of s being so but i had no other intention than ta speak to her tenderly and lovingly about our home my aunt nodded encouragement you must have patience trot said she of course heaven knows i don t mean to be unreasonable aunt no no said my aunt but little blossom is a very tender little blossom and the wind must be gentle with her i thanked my good aunt in my heart for her tenderness towards my wife and i was sure that she knew i did don t you think aunt said i after some further contemplation of the fire that you could advise and counsel a little for our mutual advantage now and then trot returned my aunt with some emotion no don t ask me such a thing her tone was so very earnest that i raised my eyes in surprise i look back on my life child said my aunt and i think of some who are in their graves with whom i might have been on kinder terms if i judged harshly of other people s mistakes in marriage it may have been because i had bitter reason to judge harshly of my own let that pass i have been a sort of a woman a good many years i am still and i always shall be but you and i have done one another some good trot at all events you have done me good my dear and division must not come between us at this time of day division between cried l child child said my aunt her dress how soon it might come between us or how unhappy i might make our little blossom if i in anything a prophet couldn t say i want our pet to like me and be as gay as a butterfly your own home in that second marriage and never do both me and her the injury you have hinted at i comprehended at once that my aunt was right and i comprehended the full extent of her generous feeling towards my dear wife these are early days trot she pursued and home was not built in a day nor in a year you have chosen freely for yourself a cloud passed over her face for a moment i thought and you have chosen a very pretty and a very creature it will be your duty and it will be your pleasure too of course i know that i am not delivering a lecture to estimate her as you chose her by the qualities she has and not by the qualities she may not have the latter you must develop in her if you can and if you cannot child here my aunt rubbed her nose you must just yourself to do without em but remember my dear your future is between you two no one can assist you you are to work it out for yourselves this is marriage trot and heaven bless you both in it for a pair of in the wood as you are of david b my aunt said this in a way and gave
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me a kiss to the blessing now said she h my little lantern and see me into my by the garden path for there was a communication between our cottages in that direction give trot wood s love to blossom when you come back and whatever you do trot never dream of setting up as a for if ever saw her in the glass she s quite grim enough and gaunt enough in her private capacity with this my aunt tied her head up in a handkerchief with which she was accustomed to make a bundle of it on such occasions and i escorted her home as she stood in her garden holding up her little lantern to light me back i thought her observation of me had an anxious air again but i was too much occupied in pondering on what she had said and too much impressed for the first time in reality by the conviction that and i had indeed to work out our future for ourselves and that no one could assist us to take much notice of it came stealing down in her little slippers to meet me now that i was alone and cried upon my shoulder and said i had been and she had been naughty and i said much the same thing in i believe and we made it up and agreed that our first little difference was to be our last and that we were never to have another if we lived a hundred years the next domestic trial we went through was the ordeal of servants mary anne s cousin deserted into our coal hole and was brought out to our great amazement by a of his companions in who took him away in a procession that covered our front garden with this me to get rid of mary anne who went so mildly on receipt of wages that i was surprised until i found out about the tea and also about the little sums she had borrowed in my name of the without authority after an interval of mrs the oldest of town i believe who went out but was too feeble to execute her of that art we found another treasure who was one of the most amiable of women but who generally made a point of falling either up or down the kitchen stairs with the tray and almost always plunged into the parlor as into a bath with the tea things the committed by this unfortunate rendering her dismissal necessary she was succeeded with intervals of mrs by a long line of in a young person of genteel appearance who went to fair in s bonnet after whom i remember nothing but an average equality of failure everybody we had anything to do with seemed to cheat us our appearance in a shop was a signal for the goods to be brought out immediately if we bought a it was full of water all our meat turned out to be tough and there was hardly any crust to our in search of the principle on which joints ought to be to be enough and not too much i myself referred to the book and found it there established as the allowance of a quarter of an hour to every pound and say a quarter over but the principle always failed us by some curious and we never could hit any medium between and the personal history and experience i had reason to believe that in these failures we incurred a far greater expense than if we had achieved a series of triumphs it appeared to me on looking over the s books as if we might have kept the story paved with butter such was the extensive scale of our consumption of that article i don t know the returns of the period may have exhibited any increase in the demand for but if our performances did not the market i should say several families must have left off using it and the most wonderful fact of all was that we never had anything in the house as to the the clothes and coming in a state of penitent to i suppose that might have happened several times to anybody also the chimney on fire the parish engine and on the part of the but i apprehend that we were personally unfortunate in engaging a servant with a taste for who swelled our running account for porter at the public house by such inexplicable as rum mrs c half gin and mrs c glass rum and mrs c the always referring to who was supposed it appeared on explanation to have the whole of these one of our first in the housekeeping way was a little dinner to i met him in town and asked him to walk out with me that afternoon he readily i wrote to saying i would bring him home it was pleasant weather and on the road we made my domestic happiness the theme of conversation was very full of it and said that himself with such a home and and preparing for him he could think of nothing wanting to complete his bliss i could not have wished for a prettier little wife at the opposite end of the table but i certainly could have wished when we down for a little more room i did not know how it was but though there were only two of us we were at once always cramped for room and yet had always room enough to lose everything in i suspect it may have been because nothing had a place of its except s which invariably blocked up the main on the present occasion was so hemmed in by the and the case and s flower painting and my writing table that i had serious doubts of the possibility of his using his knife and fork but
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he protested with his own good humour of room i assure you there was another thing i could have wished namely that had never been encouraged to walk about the table cloth during dinner i began to think there was something in his being there at all even if he had not been in the habit of putting his foot in the salt or the melted butter on this occasion he seemed to think he was introduced expressly to keep at bay and he at my old friend and made short runs at his plate with such that he may be said to have engrossed the conversation however as i knew how tender hearted my dear was and how sensitive she would be to any slight upon her favorite i hinted no objection for similar reasons i made no allusion to the of david plates upon the floor or to the appearance of the which were all at and and looked drunk or to the further of by wandering vegetable dishes and i could not help wondering in my own mind as i contemplated the boiled leg of mutton before me previous to carving it how it came to pass that our joints of meat were of such extraordinary shapes and whether our butcher contracted for all the sheep that came into the world but i kept my reflections to myself my love said i to what have you got in that dish i could not imagine why had been making tempting little faces at ine as if she wanted to kiss me dear said timidly was that your thought said delighted ye yes said there never was a happier one i exclaimed laying down the carving knife and fork there is nothing likes so much ye yes said and so bought a beautiful little barrel of them and the man said they were very good but i i am afraid there s something the matter with them they don t seem right here shook her head and diamonds in her eyes they are only opened in both shells said i take the top one off my love but it won t come ofi said trying very hard and looking very much distressed do you know said cheerfully examining the dish i think it is in consequence they are capital but i it is in consequence of their never having been opened they never had been opened and we had no knives and couldn t have used them if we had so we looked at the and ate the mutton at least we ate as much of it as was done and made up with if i had permitted him i am satisfied that would have made a perfect savage of himself and eaten a of raw meat to express enjoyment of the but i would hear of no such on the altar of friendship and we had a course of bacon instead there happening by good fortune to be cold bacon in the my poor little wife was in such affliction when she thought i should be annoyed and in such a state of joy when she found i was not that the discomfiture i had subdued very soon vanished and we passed a happy evening sitting with her arm on my chair while and i discussed a glass of wine and taking every opportunity of whispering in my ear that it was so good of me not to be a cruel cross old boy by and bye she made tea for us which it was so pretty to see her do as if she were herself with a set of doll s tea things that i was not particular about the quality of the then and i played a game or two at and singing to the the while it seemed to me as if our courtship and marriage were a tender dream of mine and the night when i first listened to her voice were not yet over when went away and i came back into the parlor from seeing him out my wife planted her chair close to mine and sat down by my side the personal history and experience i am very sorry she said will you try to teach me i must teach myself first said i i am as bad as you love ah but you can learn she returned and you are a clever clever man nonsense mouse said i i wish resumed my wife after a long silence that i could have gone down into the country for a whole year and lived with her hands were clasped upon my shoulder and her chin rested on them land her blue eyes looked quietly into mine why so i asked i think she might have improved me and i think i might have learnt from lier said all in good time my love has had her father to take care of for these many years you should remember even when she was quite a child she was the whom we know said i will you call me a name i want you to call me inquired without moving what is it i asked with a smile it s a stupid name she said shaking her curls for a moment child wife i asked my child wife what her fancy was in desiring to be so called she answered without moving otherwise than as the arm i about her may have brought her blue eyes nearer to me i don t mean you silly fellow that you should use the name instead of i only mean that you should think of me that way when you are going to be angry with me say to yourself it s only my child wife when i am very say i knew a long time ago that she would make but a child wife when you miss what i
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but i felt as if this were an of my happiness that never had been meant to be and never could have been i was a boyish husband as to years i had known the softening influence of no other sorrows or experiences than those recorded in these leaves if i did any wrong as i may have done much i did it in mistaken love and in my want of wisdom i write the exact truth it would avail me nothing to it now thus it was that i took upon myself the toils and cares of our life and had no partner in them we lived much as before in reference to our household arrangements but i had got used to those and i was pleased to see was seldom vexed now she was bright and cheerful in the old childish way loved me dearly and was happy with her old trifles when the were heavy i mean as to length not quality for in the last respect they were not often otherwise and i went home late would never rest when she heard my footsteps but would always come down stairs to meet me when my evenings were by the pursuit for which i had qualified myself with so much pains and i was engaged in writing at home she would sit quietly near me however late the hour and be so mute that i would often think she had dropped asleep but generally when i raised my head i saw her blue eyes looking at me with the quiet attention of which have already spoken oh what a weary boy said one night when i met her eyes as i shutting up my desk what a weary girl said i that s more to the purpose you must go to bed another time my love it s far too late for you no don t send me to bed pleaded coming to my side pray don t do that to my amazement she was sobbing on my neck not well my dear not happy yes quite well and very happy said but say you let me stop and see you write why what a sight for such bright eyes at midnight i replied are they bright though returned laughing i m so glad they re bright little vanity said i but it was not vanity it was only harmless delight in my admiration i knew that very well before she told me so of david if you think them pretty say i may always stop and see you write said do you think them pretty very pretty then let me always stop and see you write i am afraid that won their brightness yes it will because you clever boy you not forget me then while you are full of silent fancies will you mind it if i say something very very silly more than usual inquired peeping over my shoulder into my face what wonderful thing is that said i please let me hold the pens said i want to have something to do with all those many hours when you are so industrious may i hold the pens the remembrance of her pretty joy when i said yes brings tears into my eyes the next time i sat down to write and regularly afterwards she sat in her old place with a spare bundle of pens at her side her triumph in this with my work and her delight when i wanted a new pen which i very often feigned to do suggested to me a new way of pleasing my child wife i occasionally made a pretence of wanting a page or two of manuscript copied then was in her glory the preparations she made for this great work the she put on the she borrowed from the kitchen to keep off the ink the time she took the innumerable she made to have a laugh with as if he understood it all her conviction that her work w as unless she signed her name at the end and the way in which she would bring it to me like a school copy and then when i praised it clasp me round the neck are touching recollections to me simple as they might appear to other men she took possession of the keys soon after this and went about the house with the whole bunch in a little basket tied to her slender waist i seldom found that the places to which they belonged were locked or that they were of any use except as a for but was pleased and that pleased me she was quite satisfied that a good deal was effected by this make belief of housekeeping and was as merry as if we had been keeping a baby house for a joke so we went on was hardly less affectionate to my aunt than to me and often told her of the time when she was afraid she was a cross old thing i never saw my aunt more to anyone she though never responded listened day after day to the though i am afraid she had no taste for music never attacked the though the temptation must have been severe went wonderful distances on foot to purchase as surprises any trifles that she found out wanted and never came in by the garden and missed her from the room but she would call out at the foot of the stairs in a voice that sounded cheerfully all over the house where s little blossom the and experience me dick my aunt s it was some time now since i had left the doctor living in his neighbourhood i saw him frequently and we all went to his house on two or three occasions to dinner or tea the old soldier was in permanent quarters under the doctor s roof she was exactly
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the same as ever and the same immortal hovered over her cap like some other mothers whom have known in the course of my life mrs was far more fond of pleasure than her daughter was she required a great deal of amusement and like a deep old soldier pretended in consulting her own inclinations to be herself to her child the doctor s desire that should be entertained was therefore particularly acceptable to this excellent parent who expressed approval of his discretion i have no doubt indeed that she the doctor s wound without knowing it meaning nothing but a certain and selfishness not always inseparable from full blown years i think she confirmed him in his fear that he was a upon his young and that there was no of feeling between them by so strongly his design of the load of her life my dear soul she said to him one day when i was present you know there is no doubt it would be a little for to be always shut up here the doctor nodded his benevolent head when she comes to her mother s age said mrs with a flourish of her fan then it be another thing you might put ie into a jail with genteel society and a rubber and i should never care to come out but i am not you know and is not her mother surely surely said the doctor you are the best of creatures no i beg your pardon for the doctor made a gesture of i must say before your face as i always say behind your back you are the best of creatures but of course you don t now do you enter into the same pursuits and fancies as no said the doctor in a sorrowful tone no of course not retorted the old soldier take your dictionary for example what a useful work a dictionary is what a necessary the of words without doctor johnson or somebody of that sort we might have been at this present moment calling an a but we can t expect a dictionary especially when it a making to interest can we the doctor shook his head and that s why i so much approve said mrs tapping him on the shoulder with her shut up fan of your it shows that you don t expect as many elderly people do expect old of david heads on young shoulders you have studied s character and you understand it that what i find so charming even the calm and patient face of doctor strong expressed some little sense of pain i thought under the of these compliments therefore my dear doctor said the soldier giving him several affectionate you may command me at all times and seasons now do understand that i am entirely at your service i am ready to go to all kinds of places and you shall never find that i am tired duty my dear doctor before every consideration in the universe she was as good as her word she was one of those people who can bear a great deal of pleasure and she never in her perseverance in the cause she seldom got hold of the newspaper which she settled herself down in the chair in the house to read through an every day for two hours but she found out something that she was certain would like to see it was in vain for to protest that she was weary of such things her mother s remonstrance always was now my dear i am sure you know better and i must tell you my love that you are not making a proper n for the kindness of doctor strong this was usually said in the doctor s presence and appeared to me to constitute s principal for withdrawing her objections when she made any but in general she resigned herself to her mother and went where the old soldier would it rarely happened now that mr accompanied them sometimes my aunt and were invited to do so and accepted the invitation sometimes only was asked the time had been when i should have been uneasy in her going but reflection on what had passed that former night in the doctor s study had made a change in my i believed that the doctor was right and had no worse suspicions my aunt rubbed her nose sometimes when she happened to be alone with me and said she couldn t make it out she wished they were happier she didn t think our military friend so she always called the old soldier mended the matter at all my aunt further expressed her opinion that if our military friend would cut off those and give em to the chimney for may day it would look like the beginning of something sensible on her part but her abiding reliance was on mr dick that man had evidently an idea in his head she said and if he could only once pen it up into a corner which was his great difficulty he would distinguish himself in some extraordinary manner unconscious of this mr dick continued to occupy same ground in reference to the doctor and to mrs strong he seemed neither to advance nor to he appeared to have settled into his original foundation like a building and i must confess that my faith in his ever moving was not much greater than if he had been a building but one night when i had been married some months mr dick put his head into the parlor where i was writing alone having gone out with my aunt to take tea with the two little birds and said with a significant cough the personal history and experience couldn t speak to me without yourself i am afraid certainly mr dick said i come in said mr dick his finger
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on the side of his nose after he had shaken hands with me before i sit down i wish to make observation you know your aunt a little i replied she is the most wonderful woman in the world sir after the delivery of this communication which he shot out of himself as if he were loaded with it mr dick sat down with greater gravity than usual and looked at me now boy said mr dick i am going to put a question to you as many as you please said i what do you consider me sir asked mr dick folding his arms a dear old friend said i thank you returned mr dick laughing and reaching across in high glee to shake hands with me but i mean boy his gravity what do you consider me in this respect touching his forehead i was puzzled how to answer but he helped me v ith a word weak said mr dick well i replied so exactly cried mr dick who seemed quite enchanted by my reply that is when they took some of the trouble out of you s head and put it you know where there was a mr dick made his two hands very fast about each other a great number of times and then brought them into collision and rolled them over and over one another to express confusion there was that sort of thing done to me somehow eh i nodded at him and he nodded back again in short boy said mr dick dropping his voice to a whisper i am simple i would have qualified that conclusion but he stopped me yes i am she i am not she won t hear of it but i am i know i am if she hadn t stood my friend sir i should have been shut up to lead a dismal life these many years but i provide for her i never spend the money i put it in a box i have made a will i leave it all to her she shall be rich noble mr dick took out his pocket and wiped his eyes he then folded it up with great care pressed it smooth between his two hands put it in his pocket and seemed to put my aunt away with it now you are a scholar said mr dick you are a fine scholar you know what a learned man what a great man the doctor is you know what honor he has always done me not proud in his wisdom humble humble even to poor dick who is simple and knows nothing i have sent his name up on a scrap of paper to the along the string when it has been in the sky among the the has been glad to receive it sir and the sky has been brighter with it i delighted him by saying most heartily that the doctor was deserving of our best respect and highest esteem of david and liis beautiful wife is a star said mr dick a star i have seen her sir but bringing his chair nearer and la ing one hand upon my knee clouds sir clouds i answered the solicitude which his face expressed by conveying the same expression into my own and my head what clouds said mr dick he looked so wistfully into my face and was so anxious to understand that i took great pains to answer him slowly and distinctly as i might have entered on an explanation to a child there is some unfortunate division between them i replied some unhappy cause of separation a secret it may be inseparable from the in their years it may have grown up out of almost nothing mr dick who told off every sentence with a thoughtful nod paused when i had done and sat considering with his eyes upon my face and his hand upon my knee doctor not angry with her he said after some time no devoted to her then i have got it boy said mr dick the sudden exultation with which he me on the knee and leaned back in his chair with his eyebrows lifted up as high as he could possibly lift them made me think him farther out of his wits than ever he became as suddenly grave again and leaning forward as before said first respectfully taking out his pocket handkerchief as if it really did represent my aunt most wonderful woman in the world why has site done nothing to set things right too delicate and difficult a subject for such interference i replied pine scholar said mr dick me with his finger why has lie done nothing the same reason i returned then i have got it boy said mr dick and he stood up before me more than before nodding his head and striking himself repeatedly upon the breast until one might have supposed that he had nearly nodded and struck all the breath out of his body a poor fellow with a sir said mr dick a a person present company you know striking himself again may do what wonderful people may not do i bring them together boy i try they not blame me they not object to me they not mind what do if it s wrong i m only mr dick and who minds dick dick s nobody he blew a slight contemptuous breath as if he blew himself away it was fortunate he had proceeded so far with his mystery for we heard the coach stop at the little garden gate which brought my aunt and home not a word boy he pursued in a whisper leave all the blame with dick simple dick mad dick i have been thinking sir for some time that i was getting it and now i liave got it after what you have said
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to me i am sure i have got it all right not another word did mr dick utter on the subject but he made a the personal history and experience very telegraph of himself for the next half hour to the gi eat disturbance of ray aunt s mind to on me to my surprise i heard no more about it for some two or three weeks though i was sufficiently interested in the result of his a strange gleam of good sense i say nothing of good feeling for that he always exhibited in the conclusion to which he had come at last i began to l that in the and unsettled state of his mind he had either forgotten his intention or abandoned it one fair evening when was not inclined to go out my aunt and i strolled up to the doctor s cottage it was autumn when there were no to vex the evening air and i remember how the leaves smelt like our garden at as we trod them under foot and how the old unhappy feeling seemed to go by on the sighing wind it was twilight when we reached the cottage mrs strong was just coming out of the garden where mr dick yet lingered busy with his knife helping the gardener to point some the doctor was engaged with some one in his study but the visitor would be gone directly mrs strong said and begged us to remain and see him we went into the drawing room with her and sat down by the darkening window there was never any ceremony about the visits of such old friends and neighbours as we were we had not sat here many minutes when mrs who usually contrived to be in a fuss about something came bustling in with her newspaper in her hand and said out of breath my goodness gracious why didn t you tell me there was some one in the study my dear she quietly ned how could i know that you desired the information desired the information said mrs sinking on the sofa i never had such a turn in all my life you been to the study then asked been to the study my dear she returned emphatically indeed i have i i came upon the amiable creature if you ll imagine my feelings miss and david in the act of making his will her daughter looked round from the window quickly in the act my dear repeated mrs spreading the newspaper on her lap hke a table cloth and patting her hands upon it of making his last will and testament the foresight and affection of the dear i must tell you how it was i really must in justice to the darling for he is nothing less tell you how it was perhaps you know miss that there is never a candle lighted in this house until one s eyes are literally falling out of one s head with being stretched to read the paper and that there is not a chair in this house in which a paper can be what call read except one in the study this took me to the study where i saw a light i opened the door in company with the dear doctor were two professional people evidently connected with the law and they were all three standing at the table the darling doctor pen in hand this simply expresses then said the doctor my love attend to the very words this simply expresses then gentlemen the confidence i have in mrs strong and gives her all one of the professional people replied and gives her all of david upon that with the natural feelings of a mother i said good god i beg your pardon fell over the door step and came away through the little back passage where the is mrs strong opened the window and went out into the where she stood leaning against a pillar but now isn t it miss isn t it david said mrs mechanically following her with her eyes to find a man at doctor strong s time of life with the strength of mind to do this kind of thing it only shows how right i was i said to when doctor strong paid a very flattering visit to myself and made her the subject of a declaration and an offer i said my dear there is no doubt whatever in my opinion with reference to a suitable provision for you that doctor strong will do more than he himself to do here the bell rang and we heard the sound of the visitors feet as they out it s all over no doubt said the old soldier after listening the dear creature has signed sealed and delivered and his mind s at rest well it may be what a mind my love i am going to the study with my paper for i am a poor creature without news miss david pray come and see the doctor i conscious of mr dick s standing in the shadow of the room shutting up his knife when we accompanied her to the study and of my aunt s rubbing her nose violently by the way as a mild vent for her of our military friend but who got first into the study or how mrs settled herself in a moment in her easy chair or how my aunt and i came to be left together near the door unless her eyes were quicker than mine and she held me back i have forgotten if i ever knew but this i know that we saw the doctor before he saw us sitting at his table among the volumes in which he delighted resting his head calmly on his hand that in the same moment we saw mrs strong glide in pale and trembling that
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mr dick supported her on his arm that he laid his other hand upon the doctor s arm causing him to look up with an abstracted air that as the doctor moved his head his wife dropped down on one knee at his feet and with her hands lifted fixed upon his face the memorable look i had never forgotten that at this sight mrs dropped the newspaper and stared more like ar figure head intended for a ship to be called the astonishment than anything else i can think of the gentleness of the doctor s manner and surprise the dignity that mingled with the attitude of his wife the amiable concern of mr dick and the earnestness with which my aunt said to herself that man mad triumphantly expressive of the misery from which she had saved him i see and hear rather than remember as i write about it doctor said mr dick what is it that s amiss look here cried the doctor not at my feet my dear yes she said i beg and pray that no one will leave the room i oh my husband and father break this long silence let us both know what it is that has come between us mrs by this time recovering the power of speech and seeming to swell with family pride and indignation here h h the personal history and experience exclaimed get immediately and don t disgrace everybody belonging to you by yourself like that unless you wish to see me go out of my mind on the spot returned waste no words on me for my appeal is to my husband and even you are nothing here nothing exclaimed mrs me nothing i the child has taken leave of her senses please to get me a glass of water i was too attentive to the doctor and liis wife to give any heed to this request and it m no impression on anybody else so mrs panted stared and herself said the doctor tenderly taking her in his hands my dear if any change has come in the of time upon our married life you are not to blame the fault is mine and only mine there is no change in my affection admiration and respect i wish to make you happy i truly love and honor you rise pray but she did not rise after looking at him for a little while she sank down closer to him laid her arm across his knee and dropping her head upon it said if i have any friend here who can speak one word for me or for my husband in this matter if i have any friend here who can give a voice to any suspicion that my heart has sometimes whispered to me if i have any friend here who honors ray husband or has ever cared for me and has anything within his knowledge no matter what it is that may help to between us i that friend to speak there was a profound silence after a few moments of painful hesitation i broke the silence mrs strong i said there is something within my knowledge which i have been earnestly entreated by doctor strong to conceal and have concealed until to night but i believe the time has come when it would be mistaken faith and delicacy to conceal it any longer and when your appeal me from his she turned her face towards me for a moment and i knew that i was right i could not have resisted its entreaty if the assurance that it gave me had been less convincing our future peace she said may be in your hands i trust it confidently to your not anything i know that nothing you or any one can tell me will show my husband s noble heart in any other light th n one it may seem to you to touch me disregard that i will speak for myself before him and before god afterwards thus earnestly i made no reference to the doctor for permission but without any other compromise of the truth than a little softening of the of related plainly what had passed in that same room that night the staring of mrs during the whole and the shrill sharp with which she occasionally interrupted it defy description when had finished remained for some few moments silent with her head bent down as i have described then she took the doctor s hand he was sitting in the same attitude as when we had entered the room and pressed it to her breast and kissed it mr dick i of david softly raised her and she stood when she began to speak leaning on him and looking down npon her husband from whom she never turned lier eyes all that has ever been in my mind since i was married said in a low tender voice i will lay bare before you i could not live and have one knowing what i know now nay said the doctor mildly i have never doubted you my child there is no need indeed there is no need my dear there is great need she answered in the same way that i should open my whole heart before the soul of generosity and truth year by year and day by day i have loved and more and more as heaven knows really interrupted mrs if i have any discretion at which you haven t you observed my aunt in an indignant whisper i must be permitted to observe that it cannot be requisite to enter into these details no one but my husband can judge of that said without removing her eyes from his face and he will hear me if i say anything to give you pain forgive me i have borne pain first often and long myself upon my word gasped mrs when i was
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very young said quite a little child my first associations with knowledge of any kind were inseparable from a patient friend and teacher the friend of my dead father who was always dear to me i can remember nothing that i know without remembering him he stored my mind with its first treasures and stamped his character upon them all they never could have been i think as good as they have been to me if i had taken them from any other hands makes her mother nothing exclaimed mrs not so said but i make him what he was i must do that as i grew up he occupied the same place still i was proud of his interest deeply fondly gratefully attached to him i looked up to him i can hardly describe how as a father as a guide as one whose praise was from all other praise as one in whom i could have trusted and confided if i had doubted all the world you know how young and inexperienced i was when you presented him before me of a sudden as a lover i have mentioned the fact fifty times at least to everybody here said mrs then hold your tongue for the lord s sake and don t mention it any more muttered my aunt it was so great a change so great a loss i felt it at first said still preserving the same look and tone that i was agitated and distressed i was but a girl and when so great a change came in the character in which i had so long looked up to him i think i was sorry but nothing could have made him what he used to be again and i was proud that he should think me so worthy and we were married at saint observed mrs h h the personal history and experience confound the woman said my aunt she wont be quiet i never thought proceeded with a heightened color of any worldly gain that my husband would bring to me my young heart had no room in its homage for any such poor reference forgive me when i say that it was you who first presented to my mind the thought that any one could wrong me and wrong him by such a cruel suspicion me cried mrs ah you to be sure observed my aunt and you can t fan it away my military friend it was the first of my new life said it was the first occasion of every unhappy moment i have known those moments have been more of late than i can count but not my generous not for the reason you suppose for in my heart there is not a thought a recollection or a hope that any power could separate from you she raised her eyes and clasped her hands and looked as beautiful and true i thought as any spirit the doctor looked on her henceforth as as she on him is she went on of having ever urged you for herself and she is in intention i am sure but when i saw how many claims that were no claims were pressed upon you in my name how you were on in my name how generous you were and how mr who had your welfare very much at heart resented it the first sense of my exposure to the mean suspicion that my tenderness was bought and sold to you of all men on earth fell upon me like disgrace in which i forced you to i cannot tell you what it was cannot imagine what it was to have this dread and trouble always on my mind yet know in my own soul that on my marriage day i crowned the love and honor of my life a specimen of the thanks one gets cried mrs in tears for taking care of one s family i wish i was a i wish you were with all my heart and in your native country said my aunt it was at that time that was most about my cousin i had liked him she spoke softly but without any hesitation very much we had been little lovers once if circumstances had not happened otherwise i might have come to persuade myself that i really loved him and might have married him and been most wretched there can be no like of mind and purpose i pondered on those words even while i was attending to what followed as if they had some particular interest or some strange application that i could not divine there can be no in marriage like of mind and purpose no in marriage like of mind and purpose there is nothing said that we have in common i have long found that there is nothing if i were thankful to my husband for no more instead of for so much i should be thankful to liim for having saved me from the first mistaken impulse of my heart she stood quite still before the doctor and spoke with an that thrilled me yet her voice was just as quiet as before op david when he was waiting to be the object of your so freely bestowed for my sake and when i was unhappy in the shape i was made to wear i thought it would have become him better to have worked his own way on i thought that if i had been he i would have tried to do it at the cost of almost any hardship but i thought no worse of him until the night of his departure for india that night i knew he had a false and heart i saw a double meaning then in mr s scrutiny of me i perceived for the first time the dark suspicion that my life
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suspicion said the doctor no no no i in your mind there was none i know my husband she returned and when i came to you that night to lay down all my load of shame and grief and knew that i had to tell that underneath your roof one of my own kindred to whom you had been a benefactor for the love of me had spoken to me words that should have found no utterance even if i had been the weak and wretch he thought me my mind from the taint the very tale conveyed it died upon my lips and from that hour till now has never passed them mrs with a short groan leaned back in her easy chair and retired behind her fan as if she were never coming out any more i have never but in your presence a word with him from that time then only when it has been necessary for the of this explanation years have passed since he knew from me what his situation here was the you have secretly done for his advancement and then disclosed to me for my surprise and pleasure have been you will believe but of the and burden of my secret she sunk down gently at the doctor s feet though he did his utmost to prevent her and said looking up into his face do not speak to me yet i let me say a little more eight or wrong if this were to be done again i think i should do just the same you never can know what it was to be devoted to you with those old associations to find that any one could be so hard as to suppose that the truth of my heart was away and to be surrounded by appearances that belief i was very young and had no adviser between and me in all relating to you there was a wide division if i shrunk into myself hiding the i had undergone it was because i honored you so much and so much wished that you should honor me my pure heart said the doctor my dear girl a little more a very few words more i used to think there were so many whom you might have married who would not have brought such charge and trouble on you and who would have made your home a home i used to be afraid that i had better have remained your pupil and almost your child i used to fear that i was so to your learning and wisdom if all this made me shrink within myself as indeed it did when i had that to tell it was still because i honored you so much and hoped that you might one day honor me that day has shone this long time said the doctor and can have but one long night my dear another word i afterwards meant meant and to myself to bear the whole weight of knowing one to whom tl the personal and experience you had been so good and now a last word dearest and best of friends the cause of the late e in you which i have seen with so much pain and sorrow and have sometimes referred to my old apprehension at other times to lingering nearer to the has been made clear to night and by an accident i have also come to know to night the full measure of noble trust in me even under that mistake i do not hope that any love and duty i may render in return will ever make me worthy of your confidence but with all this knowledge fresh upon me i can lift my eyes to this dear face as a father s loved as a husband s sacred to me in my childhood as a friend s and solemnly declare that in my thought i have never wronged you never wavered in the love and the fidelity i owe you she had her arms around the doctor s neck and he his head down over her mingling his grey hair with her dark brown oh hold me to your heart my husband never cast me out do not think or speak of between us for there is none except in all my many every succeeding year i have known this better as i have esteemed you more and more oh take me to your heart my husband for my love was founded on a rock and it in the silence that ensued my aunt walked gravely up to mr dick without at all hurrying herself and gave him a and a sounding kiss and it was very fortunate with a view to his credit that she did so for i am confident that i detected him at that moment in the act of making preparations to stand on one leg as an appropriate expression of delight you are a very remarkable man dick said my aunt with an air of approbation and never pretend to be anything else for i know better with that my aunt pulled him by the sleeve and nodded to me and we three stole quietly out of the room and came away that s a for our military friend at any rate said my aunt on the way home i should sleep the better for that if there was nothing else to be glad of she was quite overcome i am afraid said mr dick witb great what did you ever see a overcome inquired my aunt i don t think i ever saw a returned mr dick mildly there never would have been anything the matter if it hadn t been for that old animal said my aunt with strong emphasis it s very much to be wished that some mothers would leave their alone after marriage and not be so violently they seem to
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think the only return that can be made them for bringing an unfortunate young woman into the world god bless my soul as if she asked to be brought or wanted to come is full liberty to worry her out of it again what are you thinking of trot i was thinking of all that had been said my mind was still running on some of the expressions used there can be no in marriage like of mind and purpose the first mistaken impulse of an heart my love was founded on a rock but we were at home and the trodden leaves were lying under foot and the autumn wind was blowing of david xl chapter intelligence i must have been married if i may trust to my imperfect memory for dates about a year or so when one evening as i was returning from a solitary walk thinking of the book i was then writing for my success had steadily increased with my steady application and i was engaged at that time upon my first work of fiction came past mrs s house i had often passed it before during my residence in that neighbourhood though never when i could choose another road it did sometime happen that it was not easy to find another without making a long circuit and so i had passed that way upon the whole pretty often i had never done more than glance at the house as i went by with a quickened step it had been uniformly gloomy and dull none of the best rooms on the road and the narrow heavily framed windows never cheerful under any circumstances looked very dismal close shut and with their blinds always drawn down there was a covered way across a little paved court to an entrance that was never used and there was one round staircase window at odds with all tha rest and the only one by a blind which had the same blank lo ok i do not remember that i ever a v a light in all the house if i had been a casual by i should have probably supposed that some person lay dead in it if i had happily possessed no knowledge of the place and had seen it often in that state i should have pleased my fancy with many ingenious speculations i dare say as it was thought as little of it as i might but my mind could not go by it and leave it as my body did and it usually awakened a long train of meditations coming before me on this particular evening that i mention mingled with the childish recollections and later fancies the ghosts of half formed hopes the broken shadows of disappointments dimly seen and understood the of experience and imagination to the occupation with which my thoughts had been busy it was more than commonly suggestive i fell into a brown study as i walked on and a voice at my side made me start it was a woman s voice too i was not long in mrs s little parlor maid who had formerly worn blue ribbons in her cap she had taken them out now to herself i suppose to the altered character of the house and w ore but one or two bows of sober brown if you please sir would you have the goodness to walk in and speak to miss has miss sent you for me i inquired not to night sir but it s just the same miss saw you pass a night or two ago and i was to sit at work on the staircase and when i saw you pass again to ask you to step in and speak to her the personal history and experience i turned back and inquired of my conductor as we went along how mrs was she said her lady was but poorly and kept her own room a good deal when we arrived at the house i was directed to miss in the garden and left to make my presence known to her myself she was sitting on a seat at one end of a kind of terrace overlooking the great city it was a sombre evening with a lurid light in the sky and as i saw the prospect in the distance with here and there some larger object starting up into the sullen glare i fancied it was no companion to the memory of this fierce woman she saw me as i advanced and rose for a moment to receive me i thought her then still more and thin than when i had seen her last the flashing eyes still brighter and the still our meeting was not cordial we had parted angrily on the last occasion and there was an air of disdain about her which she took no pains to conceal i am told you wish to speak to me miss said i standing near her with my hand upon the back of the seat and declining her gesture of invitation to sit down if you please said she pray has this girl been found no and yet she has run away i saw her thin lips working while she looked at me as if they were eager to load her with reproaches run away i repeated yes him she said with a laugh if she is not found perhaps she never will be found she may be dead the cruelty with which she met my glance i never saw expressed in any other face that ever i have seen to wish her dead said i may be the kindest wish that one of her own sex could bestow upon her i am glad that time has softened you so much miss she condescended to make no reply but turning on me with another scornful laugh said the friends of this excellent and much injured young
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conduct was bad she had no more gratitude no more feeling no more patience no more reason in her than a stock or a stone if i hadn t been upon my guard i am convinced she would have had my blood i think the better of her for it said i indignantly mr bent his head as much as to say indeed sir but you re young and resumed his narrative it was necessary in short for a time to take away everything nigh her that she could do herself or anybody else an injury with and to shut her up close notwithstanding which she got out in the night forced the of a window that i had nailed up myself dropped on a vine that was below and never has been seen or heard of to my knowledge since she is dead perhaps said miss with a smile as if she could have the body of the ruined girl she may have herself miss returned mr catching at an excuse for addressing himself to somebody it s very possible or she may have had assistance from the and the wives and children being given to low company she was very much in the habit of talking to on the beach miss and sitting by their boats i have known her do it when mr james has been away whole days mr james was far from pleased of david to find out once that she had told tlie children she was a s daughter and that in her own country long ago she had about tlie beach like them oh unhappy beauty what a picture rose before me of her sitting on the far off shore among the children like herself when she was innocent listening to little voices such as might have called her mother had she been a poor man s wife and to the great voice of the sea with its eternal never more when it was clear that nothing could be done miss did i tell you not to speak to me she said with stern contempt you spoke to me miss he replied i beg your pardon but it s my service to obey do your service she returned finish your story and go when it was clear he said with infinite respectability and an obedient bow that she was not to be found i went to mr james at the place where it had been agreed that i should write to him and informed him of what had occurred words passed between us in consequence and i felt it due to my character to leave him i could bear and i have borne a great deal from mr james but he insulted me too far he hurt me knowing the unfortunate difference between himself and his mother and what her anxiety of mind was likely to be i took the liberty of coming home to england and relating money which i paid him said miss to me just so ma am and relating what i knew i am not aware said mr after a moment s reflection that there is anything else i am at present out of employment and should be happy to meet with a respectable situation miss glanced at me as though she would inquire if there were anything that i desired to ask as there was something which had occurred to my mind i said in reply i could wish to know from this creature i could not bring myself to utter any more word whether they a letter that was written to her from home or whether he that she received it he remained calm and silent with his eyes fixed on the ground and the tip of every finger of his right hand delicately poised against the tip of every finger of his left miss turned her head towards him i beg your pardon miss he said awakening from his abstraction but however to you i have my position though a servant mr and you miss are different people if mr wishes to know anything from me i take the liberty of reminding mr that he can put a question to me i have a character to maintain after a momentary struggle with myself i turned my eyes upon and said you have heard my question consider it addressed to if you choose what answer do you make sir he rejoined with an occasional separation and of those delicate tips my answer be qualified because to betray mr james s the personal history and experience confidence to his mother and to betray it to you are two different actions it is not probable i consider that mr james would encourage the receipt of letters likely to increase low spirits and but further than that sir i should wish to avoid going is that all miss of me i indicated that i had nothing more to say except i added as i saw him moving off that i understand this fellow s part in the wicked story and that as i shall make it known to the honest man who has been her father from her childhood i would recommend him to avoid going too much into public he had stopped the moment i began and had listened with his usual repose of manner thank you sir but you ll excuse me if i say sir that there are neither slaves nor slave drivers in this country and that people are not allowed to take the law into their own hands if they do it is more to their own peril i believe than to other people s consequently speaking i am not at all afraid of going wherever i may wish sir with that he made me a polite bow and with another to miss went away through the arch in the wall of by which he had come miss and i
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regarded each other for a little while in silence her manner being exactly what it was when she had produced the man he says besides she observed with a slow curling of her lip that his master as he hears is spain and this done is away to gratify his tastes till he is weary but that is of no interest to you between these two proud persons mother and son there is a wider breach than before and little hope of its healing for they are one at heart and time makes each more obstinate and imperious neither is this of any interest to you but it what i wish to say this devil whom you make an angel of i mean this low girl whom he picked out of the tide mud with her black eyes full upon me and her passionate finger up may be alive for i believe some common things are hard to die if she is you will desire to have a pearl of such price found and taken care of we desire that too that he may not by any chance be made her prey again so far we are united in one interest and that is why i who would do her any mischief that so coarse a wretch is capable of feeling have sent for you to hear what you have heard i saw by the change in her face that some one was advancing behind me it was mrs who gave me her hand more coldly than of and with an of her former of manner but still i perceived and i was touched by it with an remembrance of my old love for her son she was greatly altered her fine figure was far less upright her handsome face was deeply marked and her hair was almost white but when she sat down on the seat she was a handsome lady still and well i knew the bright eye with its lofty look that had been a light in my very dreams at school is mr informed of yes and has he heard himself yes i have told him why you wished it op david you are a good girl i have had some slight correspondence with your former friend sir addressing me but it has not restored his sense of duty or natural obligation i have no other object in this than what has mentioned if by the course which may relieve the mind of the decent man you brought here for whom i am sorry can say no more my son may be saved from again falling into the of a enemy well she drew herself up and sat looking straight before her far away madam i said respectfully i understand i assure you i am in no danger of putting any strained construction on your motives but i must say even to you having known this injured family from childhood that if you suppose the girl so deeply wronged has not been cruelly and would not rather die a hundred deaths than take a cup of water from your son s hand now you cherish a terrible mistake well well said mrs as the other was about to it is no matter let it be you are married sir i am told i answered that i had been some time married and are doing well i hear little in the quiet life i lead but i understand you are beginning to be famous i have been very fortunate i said and find my name connected with some praise you have no mother in a softened voice no it is a pity she returned she would have been proud of you good night i took the hand she held out with a dignified air and it was as calm in mine as if her breast had been at peace her pride could still its veiy it appeared and draw the placid veil before her face through which she sat looking straight before her on the far distance as i moved away from them along the terrace i could not help observing how steadily they both sat gazing on the prospect and how it and closed around them here and there some early lamps were seen to twinkle in the distant city and in the eastern quarter of the sky the lurid light still hovered but from the greater part of the broad valley interposed a mist was rising like a sea mingling with the darkness made it seem as if the gathering waters would them i have reason to remember this and think of it with awe for before i looked upon those two again a stormy sea had risen to their feet on what had been thus told me i felt it right that it should be communicated to mr on the following evening i went into london in quest of him he was always wandering about from place to place with his one object of recovering his niece before him but was more in london than elsewhere often and often now had i seen him in the dead of night passing along the streets searching among the few who out of doors at those hours for what he dreaded to find he kept a lodging over the little s shop in market which i have had occasion to mention more than once and from which he first went forth upon his errand of mercy hither i directed my walk the personal history and experience on inquiry for him i learned from ihe people of the house that he had not gone out yet and i should find him in his room up stairs he was sitting reading by a window in which he kept a few plants the room was very neat and orderly i saw in a moment that it was always kept prepared for her reception and that
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he never went out but he thought it possible he might bring her home he had not heard my tap at the door and only raised his eyes when i laid my hand upon his shoulder r sir hearty for this visit sit ye down you re kindly welcome sir mr said i taking the chair he handed me don t expect much i have heard some news ly put his hand in a nervous manner on his mouth and turned pale as he fixed his eyes on mine it gives no clue to where she is but she is not with him he sat down looking intently at me and listened in profound silence to all i had to tell i well remember the sense of dignity beauty even with which the patient gravity of his face impressed me having gradually removed his eyes from mine he sat looking downward leaning his forehead on his hand he offered no interruption but remained throughout perfectly still he seemed to pursue her figure through the narrative and to let every other shape go by him as if it were nothing when i had done he shaded his face nd continued silent i looked out of the window for a little while and occupied myself with the plants how do you fare to feel about it r he inquired at length i think that she is living i replied i t know maybe the first shock was too rough and in the of her art that there blue water as she used to speak on could she have o that so many year because it was to be her grave he said this musing in a low frightened voice and walked across the little room and yet he added r i have felt so sure as she was living i have d awake and sleeping as it was so that i should find her i have been so led on by it and held np by it that i t believe i can have been deceived no em ly s alive he put his hand down firmly on the table and set his face into a resolute expression my niece ly is alive sir he said i t know it comes from or how tis but a n told as she s alive he almost like a man inspired as he said it i waited for a few moments until he could give me his attention and then proceeded to explain the precaution that it had occurred to me last night it would be wise to take now my dear friend i began kind sir he said grasping my hand in both of his of david if she should make her way to london which is likely for where could she lose herself so readily as in this vast city and what would she wish to do but lose and hide herself if she does not go home and she won t go home he interposed shaking his head mournfully if she had left of her own accord she might not as twas sir if she should come here said i i believe there is one person here more likely to discover her than any other in the world do you remember hear what i say with fortitude of your great object do you remember of our town i needed no other answer than his face do you know that she is in london i have seen her in the streets he answered with a shiver but you don t know said i that was charitable to her with ham s help long before she fled from home nor that when we met one night and spoke together in the room yonder over the way she listened at the door r he replied in astonishment that night when it so hard that night i have never seen her since i went back after parting from you to speak to her but she was gone i was unwilling to mention her to you then and i am now but she is the person of whom i speak and with whom i think we should communicate do you understand too well sir he replied we had sunk our voices almost to a whisper and continued to speak in that tone you say you have seen her do you think that you could find her i could only hope to do so by chance i think r i know to look it is dark being together shall we go out now and try to find her tonight he assented and prepared to accompany me without appearing to observe what he was doing i saw how carefully he adjusted the little room put a candle ready and the means of it arranged the bed and finally took out of a drawer one of her dresses i remembered to have her wear it neatly folded with some other garments and a bonnet which he placed upon a chair he made no allusion to these clothes neither did i there they had been waiting for her many and many a night no doubt the time was r he said as v e came down stairs when i this girl a most like the dirt underneath my em ly s feet god forgive me there s a difference now as we went along partly to hold him in conversation and partly to satisfy myself i asked him about ham he said almost in the same words as formerly that ham was just the same wearing away his life with no care for t but never murmuring and liked by all i asked him what he thought ham s state of mind was in reference to the cause of their misfortunes whether he believed it was dangerous the history and experience what lie supposed for example ham would do if he
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rags of last year s offering rewards for drowned men fluttering above i i the personal history and experience high water mark led down through the and to the ebb tide there was a story that one of the dug for the dead in the time of the great plague was and a influence seemed to have proceeded from it over the whole place or else it looked as if it had gradually into that nightmare condition out of the of the stream as if she were a part of the refuse it had cast out ind left to corruption and decay the girl we had followed strayed down to the river s brink and stood in the midst of this night e lonely and still looking at the water there were some boats and in the mud and these enabled us to come within a few yards of her without being seen i then signed to mr to remain where he was and emerged from their shade to speak to her i did not approach her solitary figure without trembling for this gloomy end to her determined walk and the way in which she stood almost within the shadow of the iron bridge at the lights reflected in the strong tide inspired a dread within me i think she was talking to herself i am sure although absorbed in gazing at the water that her shawl was off her shoulders and that she was her hands in it in an unsettled and bewildered way more like the action of a sleep than a waking person i know and never can forget that there was that in her wild manner which gave me no assurance but that she would sink before my eyes until i had her arm within my grasp at the same moment i said she uttered a terrified scream and struggled with me with such strength that i doubt if i could have held her alone but a stronger hand than mine was laid upon her and when she raised her frightened eyes nd saw whose it was she made but one more and dropped down between us we carried her away from the water to where there were some dry stones and there laid her down crying and moaning in a little while she sat among the stones holding her wretched head with both her hands oh the river she cried passionately oh the river hush hush said i yourself she still repeated the same words continually exclaiming oh the liver over and over again i know it s like me she exclaimed i know that i belong to it j know that it s the natural company of such as i am it comes country places where there was once no harm in it and it through the dismal streets and miserable and it goes away like my life to a great sea that is always troubled and i feel that i must go with it have never known what despair was except in the tone of those words f i can t keep away from it i can t forget it it haunts me day and it s the only thing in all the world that i am fit for or that s fit for me oh the dreadful river the thought passed through my mind that in the face of ray companion as he looked upon her speech or motion i might have read his niece s history if i had known nothing of it i never saw in of david any painting or reality horror and compassion so blended he shook as if he would have fallen and his hand i touched it with my own for his appearance alarmed me was deadly cold she is in a state of frenzy i whispered to him she will speak in a little time i don t know what he would have said in answer he made some motion with his mouth and seemed to think he had spoken but he had only pointed to her with his outstretched hand a new burst of crying came upon her now in which she once more hid her face among the stones and lay before us a prostrate image of humiliation and ruin knowing that this state must pass before we could speak to her with any hope i ventured to restrain him when he would have raised her and we stood by in silence until she became more tranquil said i then leaning down and helping her to rise she seemed to want to rise as if with the intention of going away but she was weak and leaned against a boat do you know who this is who is with me she said faintly yes do you know that we have followed you a long way to night she shook her head she looked neither at him nor at me but stood in a attitude holding her bonnet and shawl in one hand without appearing conscious of them and pressing the other clenched against her forehead are you composed enough said i to speak on the subject which so interested you i hope heaven may remember it that snowy night her sobs broke out afresh and she murmured some inarticulate thanks to me for not having driven her away from the door i want to say nothing for myself she said after a few moments i am bad i am lost i have no hope at all but tell sir she had shrunk away from him if you don t feel too hard to me to do it that i never was in any way the cause of his misfortune it has never been attributed to you i returned earnestly to her it was you if i don t deceive myself she said in a broken voice that came into the kitchen the night she took
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such pity on me was so gentle to me didn t shrink away from me like all the rest and gave me such kind help was it you sir it was said i i should have been in the river long ago she said glancing at it with a terrible expression if any wrong to her had been upon my mind i never could have kept out of it a single winter s night if i had not been free of any share in that the cause of her flight is too well understood i said you are innocent of any part in it we thoroughly believe we know oh i might have been much the better for her if i had had a better heart exclaimed the girl with most forlorn regret for she was always good to me she never spoke a word to me but what was pleasant and right is it likely i would try to make her what i am myself knowing ii the personal history and experience what i am myself so well when i lost everything that makes life dear the worst of all my thoughts was that i was parted for ever from her mr standing with one hand on the of the boat and his eyes cast down put his disengaged hand before his face and when i heard what had happened before that snowy night from some belonging to our town cried the bitterest thought in all my mind was that the people would remember she once kept company with me and would say i had her when heaven knows i would have died to have brought back her good name long unused to any self control the piercing agony of her remorse and grief was terrible to have died would not have been much what can i say i would have lived she cried i would have lived to be old in the wretched streets and to wander about avoided in the dark and to see the day break on the ghastly lines of houses and remember how the same sun used to shine into my room and wake me once i would have done even that to save her sinking on the stones she took some in each hand and clenched them up as if she would have ground them she into some new posture constantly her arms twisting them before her face as though to shut out from her eyes the little light there was and drooping her head as if it were heavy with recollections what shall i ever do she said fighting thus with her despair how can i go on as i am a solitary curse to myself a living disgrace to every one i come near suddenly she turned to my companion stamp upon me kill me when she was your pride you would have thought i had done her harm if i had brushed against her in the street you can t believe why should you a syllable that comes out of my lips it would be a burning shame upon you even now if she and i exchanged a word i don t complain i don t say she and i are alike i know there is a long long way between us i only say with all my guilt and wretchedness upon my head that i am gi to her from my soul and love her oh don t think that all the power i had of loving anything is quite worn out throw me away as all the world does kill me for being what i am and having ever known her but don t think that of me he looked upon her while she made this in a wild distracted manner and when she was silent gently raised her said mr god forbid as i should judge you as i of all men should do that my girl you t know half the change that s come in course of time upon me when you think it likely well he paused a moment then went on you t understand how tis that this here gentleman and me has wished to speak to you you t understand what tis we has afore us listen now his influence upon her was complete she stood before him as if she were afraid to meet his eyes but her passionate sorrow was quite hushed and mute i if you said mr of what passed between op david r and me th night when it so hard you know as i have been not fur to seek my dear niece my dear niece he repeated steadily she s more dear to me now than ever she was dear afore she put her hands before her face but otherwise remained quiet i have her tell said mr as you was early left and with no friend fur to take in a rough their place maybe you can guess that if you d had such a friend you d have got into a way of being fond of him in course of time and that my niece was daughter like to me as she was silently trembling he put her shawl carefully about her taking it up from the ground for that purpose whereby said he i know both as she would go to the s end with me if she could once see me again and that she would fly to the s end to keep off seeing me though she ain t no call to doubt my love and t and t he repeated with a quiet assurance of the truth of what he said there s shame steps in and keeps us i read in every word of his plain impressive way of delivering himself new evidence of his having thought of this one topic in every feature
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it presented according to our reckoning he proceeded r s here and mine she is like one day to make her own poor solitary course to london we believe r me and all of us that you are as innocent of everything that has her as the child you ve spoke of her being pleasant kind and gentle to you bless her i knew she was i knew she always was to all you re thankful to her and you love her help us all you can to find her and may heaven reward you she looked at him hastily and for the first time as if she were doubtful of what he had said will you trust me she asked in a low voice of astonishment full and free said mr to speak to her if i should ever find her shelter her if i have any shelter to divide with her and then without her knowledge come to you and bring you to her she asked hurriedly we both replied together yes she lifted up her eyes and solemnly declared that she would devote herself to this task fervently and faithfully that she would never in it never be diverted from it never it while there was any chance of hope if she were not true to it might the object she now had in life which bound her to something devoid of evil in its passing away from her leave her more forlorn and more despairing if that were possible than she had been upon the river s brink that night and then might all help human and divine her she did not raise her voice above her breath or address us but said this to the night sky then stood profoundly quiet looking at the gloomy water we judged it expedient now to tell her all we knew which i at length she with great attention and with a face the history and experience that often changed but had the same purpose in all its varying expressions her eyes occasionally filled with tears but those she repressed it seemed as if her spirit were quite altered and she could not be too quiet she asked when all was told where we were to be communicated with if occasion should arise under a dull lamp in the road i wrote our two addresses on a leaf of my pocket book which i tore out and gave to her and which she put in her poor bosom i asked her where she lived herself she said after a pause in no place long it were better not to know mr suggesting to me in a whisper what had already occurred to myself i took out my purse but i could not prevail upon her to accept any money nor could i exact any promise from her that she would do so at another time i represented to her that mr could not be called for one in his condition poor and that the idea of her engaging in this search while depending on her own resources shocked us both she continued steadfast in this particular his influence upon her was equally powerless with mine she gratefully thanked him but remained inexorable there may be work to be got she said i try at least take some assistance i returned until you have tried i could not do what i have promised for money she replied i could not take it if i was starving to give me money would be to take away your trust to take away the object that you have given me to take away the only certain thing that me from the river in the name of the great judge said i before whom you and all of us must stand at his dread time dismiss that terrible idea we can all do some good if we will she trembled and her lip shook and her face was paler as she answered it has been put in your hearts perhaps to save a wretched creature for repentance i am afraid to think so it seems too bold if any good should come of me i might begin to hope for nothing but harm has ever come of my deeds yet i am to be trusted for the first time in a long while with my miserable life on account of what you have given me to try for i know no more and i can say no more again she repressed the tears that had begun to flow and putting out her trembling hand and touching mr as if there were some healing virtue in him went away along the desolate road she had been ill probably for a long time i observed upon that closer opportunity of observation that she was worn and haggard and that her sunken eyes expressed and endurance we followed her at a short distance our way lying in the same direction until we came back into the lighted and streets i had such confidence in her declaration that i then put it to mr whether it would not seem in the like her to follow her any further he being of the same mind and equally on her we her to take her own road and took ours which was towards he accompanied me a good part of the way and when we parted with a prayer for the success of this fresh there was a new and thoughtful compassion in him that i was at no loss to it was midnight when i arrived at home i had reached my own gate and was standing listening for the deep bell of saint paul s the sound of of david which i thought had been borne towards me among the multitude of striking when i was rather surprised to see that the door of my aunt s cottage was open and that a faint light in
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and end and all about it we w on t mention the subject to one another any more neither of course will you mention it to anybody else this is my story and we ll keep it to ourselves trot of david chapter domestic i labored hard at my book without allowing it to interfere with the punctual discharge of my newspaper duties and it came out and was very successful i was not stunned by the praise which sounded in my ears notwithstanding that i was keenly alive to it and thought better of my own performance i have little doubt than anybody else did it has always been in my observation of human nature that a man who has any good reason to believe in himself never himself before the faces of other people in order that they may believe in him for this reason i retained my modesty in very self respect and the more praise i got the more i tried to deserve it is not my purpose in this record though in all other it is my written memory to pursue the history of my own they express themselves and i leave them to themselves when i refer to them incidentally it is only as a part of my progress having some foundation for believing by this time that nature and accident had made me an author i pursued my with confidence without such assurance i should certainly have left it alone and bestowed my energy on some other endeavour i should have tried to find out what nature and accident really had made me and to be that and nothing else i had been writing in the newspaper and elsewhere so that when my new success was achieved i considered myself reasonably entitled to escape from the dreary one joyful night therefore i noted down the music of the for the last time and i have never heard it since though i still recognise the old in the newspapers without any substantial except perhaps that there is more of it all the i now write of the time when i had been married i suppose about a year and a half after several varieties of experiment we had given up the housekeeping as a bad job the house kept itself and we kept a page the principal function of this was to quarrel with the cook in which respect he was a perfect without his cat or the remotest chance of being made lord mayor he appears to me to have lived in a hail of his whole existence was a he would shriek for help on the most improper occasions as when we had a little dinner party or a few friends in the evening and would come tumbling out of the kitchen iron flying after him we wanted to get rid of him but he was very much attached to us and wouldn t go he was a tearful boy and broke into such deplorable when a of our was hinted at that we were obliged to keep him he had no mother no anything in the way of a relative that i could discover except a sister who fled to america the moment we had taken him off her hands and he the personal history and experience became on us like a horrible young he had a lively perception of his own unfortunate state and was always rubbing his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket or stooping to blow his nose on the extreme corner of a little pocket handkerchief which he never would take completely out of his pocket but always and this unlucky page engaged in an evil hour at six pounds ten per was a source of continual trouble to me i watched him as he grew and he grew like scarlet beans with painful apprehensions of the time when he would begin to even of the days when he would be bald or grey i saw no prospect of ever getting rid of him and projecting myself into the future used to think what an inconvenience he would be when he was an old man i never expected anything less than this unfortunate s manner of getting me out of my difficulty he stole s watch which like everything else belonging to us had no particular place of its own and it into money spent the produce he was always a weak minded boy in incessantly riding up and down between london and outside the coach he was taken to bow street as well as i remember on the completion of his journey when four and sixpence and a second hand which he couldn t play were found upon his person the surprise and its consequences would have been much less disagreeable to me if he had not been penitent but he was very penitent indeed and in a peculiar way not in the lump but by for example the day after that on which i was obliged to appear against him he made certain revelations touching a in the cellar which we believed to be full of wine but which had nothing in it except bottles and we supposed he had now his mind and told the worst he knew of the cook but a day or two afterwards his conscience sustained a new and he disclosed how she had a little girl who early every morning took away our bread and also how he himself had been to maintain the in coals in two or three days more i was informed by the authorities of his having led to the discovery of of beef among the kitchen and sheets in the rag bag a little while afterwards he broke out in an entirely new direction and confessed to a knowledge of intentions as to our premises on the part of the pot boy who was immediately taken up
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i got to be so ashamed of being such a victim that i would have given him any money to hold his tongue or would have offered a round bribe for his being permitted to run away it was an circumstance in the case that he had no idea of this but conceived that he was making me amends in every new discovery not to say obligations on my head at last i ran away myself whenever i saw an of the police approaching with some new intelligence and lived a stealthy life until he was tried and ordered to be transported even then he couldn t be quiet but was always writing us letters and wanted so much to see before he went away that went to visit him and fainted when she found herself inside the iron bars in short i had no peace of my life until he was and made as i afterwards heard a shepherd of up the country somewhere i have no idea where all this led me into some serious reflections and presented our mistakes of david m in a new aspect as i could not help communicating to one evening in spite of my tenderness for her my love said i it is very painful to me to think that our want of system and management not only ourselves which we have got used to but other people you have been silent for a long time and now you are going to be cross said no my dear indeed let me explain to you what i mean i think i don t want to know said but i want you to know my love put down put his nose to mine and said to drive my seriousness away but not succeeding ordered him into his and sat looking at me with her hands folded and a most resigned uttle expression of countenance the fact is my dear i began there is in us we about us i might have gone on in this manner if s face had not me that she was wondering with all her might whether i was going to propose any new kind of or other medical remedy for this state of ours therefore i checked myself and made my meaning it is not merely my pet said i that we lose money and comfort and even temper sometimes by not learning to be more careful but that we the serious responsibility of who comes into our service or has any dealings with us i begin to be afraid that the fault is not entirely on one side but that these people all turn out ill because we don t turn out very well ourselves oh what an accusation exclaimed opening her eyes to say that you ever saw me take gold watches oh my dearest i remonstrated don t talk preposterous nonsense who has made the least allusion to gold watches you did returned you know you did you said i hadn t turned out well and compared me to him to whom to the page sobbed oh you cruel fellow to compare your affectionate wife to a transported page why didn t you tell me your opinion of me before we were married why didn t you say you thing that you were convinced i was worse than a transported page oh what a dreadful opinion to have of me oh my goodness now my love i returned gently trying to remove the handkerchief she pressed to her eyes this is not only very ridiculous of you but very wrong in the first place it s not true you always said he was a story sobbed and now you say the same of me oh what shall i do what shall i do my darling girl i retorted i really must entreat you to be reasonable and listen to what i did say and do say my dear unless we learn to do our duty to those whom we employ they will never learn to do their duty to us i am afraid we present opportunities to people to do wrong that never ought to be presented even if we were as as we are in all our arrangements by choice which we are not even if we liked it the history and experience and found it agreeable to be so which we don t i am persuaded we should have no right to go on in this way we are positively people we are bound to think of that i can t help thinking of it it is a reflection i am unable to dismiss and it sometimes makes me very uneasy there dear that s all come now don t be foolish would not allow me for a long time to remove the handkerchief she sat sobbing and murmuring behind it that if i was uneasy why had i ever been married why hadn t i said even the day before we went to church that i knew i should be uneasy and i would rather not k i couldn t bear her why didn t i send her away to her at or to mills in india would be glad to see her and would not call her a transported page never had called her anything of the sort in short was so afflicted and so afflicted me by being in that condition that i felt it was of no use repeating this kind of though never so mildly and i must take some other course what other course was left to take to form her mind this was a common phrase of words which had a fair and promising sound and i resolved to form s mind i began immediately when was very childish and i would have infinitely preferred to humour her i tried to be grave and disconcerted her and myself too i talked to
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her on the subjects which occupied my thoughts and i read shakespeare to her and fatigued her to the last degree i accustomed myself to giving her as it were quite casually little scraps of useful information or sound opinion and she started from them when i let them off as if they had been no matter how incidentally or naturally i endeavoured to form my little wife s mind i could not help seeing that she always had an instinctive perception of what i was about and became a prey to the keenest apprehensions in particular it was clear to me that she thought shakespeare a terrible fellow the formation went on very slowly i pressed into the service without his knowledge and whenever he came to see us exploded my mines upon him for the of at second hand the amount of practical wisdom i bestowed upon in this manner was immense and of the best quality but it had no other effect upon than to her spirits and make her always nervous with the dread that it would be her turn next i found myself in the condition of a a trap a of always playing spider to s fly and always out of my hole to her infinite disturbance still looking forward through this stage to the time when there should be a perfect sympathy between and me and when i should have formed her mind to my entire satisfaction i even for months finding at last however that although i had been all this time a very or all over with determination i had effected nothing it began to occur to me that perhaps s mind was already formed on farther consideration this appeared so likely that i abandoned my scheme which had had a more promising appearance in words than in action henceforth to be satisfied with my child wife and to try to change her into nothing else by any process i was heartily tu ed of david of being sagacious and prudent by myself and of seeing my darling under restraint so i bought a pretty pair of ear rings for her and a collar for tip and went home one day to make myself agreeable was delighted with the little presents and kissed me joyfully but there was a shadow between us however slight and i had made up my mind that it should not be there if there must be such a shadow anywhere i would keep it for the future in ray own breast i sat down by my wife on the sofa and put the ear rings in her ears and then i told her that i feared we had not been quite as good company lately as we used to be and that the fault was mine which i sincerely felt and which indeed it was the truth is my life said i have been trying to be wise and to make me wise too said timidly haven t you i nodded assent to the pretty inquiry of the raised eyebrows and kissed tlie parted lips it s of not a bit of use said shaking her head until the rang again you know what a little thing i am and what i wanted you to call me from the first if you can t do so i am afraid you never like me are you sure you don t think sometimes it would have been better to have done what my dear she made no effort to proceed nothing said nothing i repeated she put her arms round my neck and laughed and called herself by her favorite name of a goose and hid her face on my shoulder in such a profusion of curls that it was quite a task to clear them away and see it don t i think it would have been better to have done nothing than to have tried to form my little wife s mind said i laughing at myself is that the question yes indeed i do is that what you have been trying cried oh what a shocking boy but i shall never try any more said i for i love her dearly as she is without a story really inquired creeping closer to me why should i seek to change said i what has been so precious to me for so long you never can show better than as your own natural self my sweet and we try no conceited experiments but go back to our old way and be happy and be happy returned yes all day and you won t mind things going a tiny morsel wrong sometimes no no said i we must do the best we can and you won t tell me any more that we make other people bad will you because you know it s so dreadfully cross no no said i it s better for me to be stupid than uncomfortable isn t it said better to be naturally than anything else in the world in the world ah it s a large place she shook her head turned her delighted bright eyes up to mine kissed the personal and experience me broke into a merry laugh and sprang away to put on s new collar so ended my last attempt to make any change in i had been unhappy in trying it i could not endure my own solitary wisdom i could not reconcile it with her former appeal to me as my child wife i resolved to do what i could in a quiet way to improve our proceedings myself but i foresaw that my utmost would be very little or i must into the spider again and be for ever lying in wait and the shadow i have mentioned that was not to be between us any more but was to rest wholly on my own heart how did that fall
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the old unhappy feeling pervaded my life it was deepened if it were changed at all but it was as as ever and addressed me like a strain of sorrowful music faintly heard in the night i loved my wife dearly and i was happy but the happiness i had vaguely anticipated once was not the happiness i enjoyed and there was always something wanting in fulfilment of the compact i have made with myself to reflect my mind on this paper i again examine it closely and bring its secrets to the light what i missed i still regarded i always regarded as something that had been a dream of my youthful fancy that was incapable of that i was now discovering to be so with some natural pain as all men did but that it would have been better for me if my wife could have helped me more and shared the many thoughts in which i had no partner and that this might have been i knew between these two conclusions the one that what i felt was general and the other that it was particular to me and t have been different i balanced curiously with no distinct sense of their opposition to each other when i thought of the airy dreams of youth that are incapable of i thought of the better state preceding manhood that i had and then the contented days with in the dear old house arose before me like of the dead that might have some renewal in another world but never never more could be here sometimes the speculation came into my thoughts what might have happened or what would have happened if and i had never known each other but she was so with my existence that it was the of all fancies and would soon rise out of my reach and sight like floating in the air i always loved her what i am describing and half awoke and slept again in the recesses of my mind there was no evidence of it in me i know of no influence it had in anything i said or did i bore the weight of all our little cares and all my projects held the pens and we both felt that our shares were adjusted as the case required she w as truly fond of me and proud of me and when wrote a few earnest words in her letters to of the pride and interest with which my old friends heard of my growing reputation and read my book as if they heard me speaking its contents read them out to me with tears of joy in her bright eyes and said i was a dear old clever famous boy the first mistaken impulse of an heart those words of david of mrs strong s were constantly to me at this time were almost always present to my mind i awoke with them often in the night i remember to have even read them in dreams inscribed upon the walls of houses for i knew now that my own heart was when it first loved and that if it had been it never could have felt when we were married what it had felt in its secret experience there can be no in marriage like of mind and purpose those words i remembered too i had endeavoured to to myself and found it it remained for me to myself to to share with her what i could and be happy to bear on my own shoulders what i must and be happy still this was the discipline to which i tried to bring my heart when i began to think it made my second year much happier than my first and what was better still made s life all sunshine but as that year wore on was not strong i had hoped that lighter hands than mine would help to mould her character and that a baby smile upon her breast might change my child wife to a woman it was not to be the spirit fluttered for a moment on the threshold of its little prison and unconscious of took wing when i can run about again as i used to do aunt said i shall make race he is getting quite slow and lazy i suspect my dear said my aunt quietly working by her side he has a worse disorder than that age do you think he is old said astonished oh how strange it seems that should be old l it s a complaint we are all liable to little one as we get on in life said my aunt cheerfully i don t feel more free from it than i used to be i assure you but said looking at him with compassion even little oh poor fellow i dare say he last a long time yet blossom said my aunt patting on the cheek as she leaned out of her couch to look at who responded by standing on his hind legs and himself in various attempts to scramble up by the head and shoulders he must have a piece of flannel in his house this winter and i shouldn t wonder if he came out quite fresh again with the flowers in the spring bless the little dog exclaimed my aunt if he had as many lives as a cat and was on the point of losing em all he d bark at me with his last breath i believe had helped him up on the sofa where he really was my aunt to such a furious extent that he couldn t keep straight but him self sideways the more my aunt looked at him the more he reproached her for she had lately taken to spectacles and for some inscrutable reason he considered the glasses personal made him lie down by her with a good deal of and when
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he was quiet drew one of his long ears through and through her hand repeating thoughtfully even little oh poor fellow his lungs are good enough said my aunt gaily and his are not at all feeble he has a good many years before him no doubt the personal history and experience but if you want a dog to race with little blossom he has lived too well for that and i give you one thank you aunt said faintly but don t please no said my aunt taking her spectacles i could nt have any other dog but said it would be unkind to besides i couldn t be such friends with any other dog but because he wouldn t have known me before i was married and wouldn t have at he first came to our house i couldn t care for any other dog but i am afraid aunt to be sure said my aunt patting her cheek again you are right you are not offended said are you why what a sensitive pet it is cried my aunt bending over her affectionately to think that i could be offended no no i didn t really think so returned but i am a little tired and it made me silly for a moment i am always a silly little thing you know but it made me more silly to talk about he has known me in all that has happened to me haven t you and i couldn t bear to slight him because he was a little altered could i closer to his mistress and lazily licked her hand you are not so old are you that you ll leave your mistress yet said we may keep one another company a little longer my pretty when she came down to dinner on the sunday and was so glad to see old who always dined with us on sunday we thought she would be running about as she used to do in a few days but they said wait a few days more and then wait a few days more and still she neither ran nor walked she looked very pretty and was very merry but the little feet that used to be so when they danced round were dull and motionless i began to carry her down stairs every morning and upstairs every night she would clasp me round the neck and laugh the while as if i did it for a would bark and round us and go on before and look back on the landing breathing short to see that we were coming my aunt the best and most cheerful of nurses would after us a moving mass of and pillows mr dick would not have his post of candle bearer to any one alive would be often at the bottom of the case looking on and taking charge of messages from to the dearest girl in the world we made quite a gay procession of it and my child wife was the there but sometimes when i took her up and felt that she was lighter in my arms a dead blank feeling came upon me as if i were approaching to some frozen region yet unseen that my life avoided the recognition of this feeling by any name or by any with myself until one night it was very strong upon me and my aunt had left her with a parting cry of good night little blossom i sat down at my desk alone and cried to think o what a fatal name it was and how the blossom withered in its bloom upon the tree of david i am involved in mystery i received one morning by the post the following letter dated and addressed to me at doctors which i read with some surprise my dear sir circumstances beyond my individual control have for a considerable lapse of time effected a of that intimacy which in the limited opportunities to me in the midst of my professional duties of contemplating the scenes and events of the past tinged by the hues of memory has ever afforded me as it ever must continue to afford gratifying emotions of no common description this fact my dear sir combined with the distinguished elevation to which your talents have raised you me from to to the liberty of addressing the companion of my youth by the familiar of it is sufficient to know that the name to which i do myself the honor to refer will ever be among the of our house i allude to the connected with our former preserved by mrs with sentiments of personal esteem to affection it is not for one situated through his original errors and a combination of events as is the bark if he may be allowed to assume so a who now takes up the pen to address you it is not i repeat for one so to adopt the language of compliment or of that he leaves to and to purer hands if your more important should admit of your ever tracing these imperfect characters thus far which may be or may not be as circumstances arise you will naturally inquire by what object am i influenced then in the present allow me to say that i fully to the reasonable character of that inquiry and proceed to it that it is not an object of a pecuniary nature without more directly referring to any latent ability that may possibly exist on my part of the or directing the devouring and flame in any quarter i may be permitted to observe in passing that my brightest visions are for ever that my peace is shattered and my power of enjoyment destroyed that my heart is no longer in the right place and that i no more walk erect before my fellow man the is in
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the flower the cup is bitter to the brim the worm is at his work and will soon dispose of his victim the sooner the better but i will not placed in a mental position of peculiar beyond the reach even of mrs s influence though exercised in the character of woman wife and mother it is my intention to k k the personal history and experience fly from myself for a short period and devote a of eight and forty hours to some scenes of past enjoyment among other of domestic tranquillity and peace of mind my feet will naturally tend towards the king s bench prison in stating that i shall be d v on the outside of the south wall of that place of on civil process the day after to morrow at seven in the evening precisely my object in this communication is accomplished i do not feel in my former friend mr or my former friend mr thomas of the inner temple if that gentleman is still and to condescend to meet me and renew so far as may be our past relations of the time i confine myself to throwing out the observation that at the hour and place i have indicated may be found such ruined as yet of a fallen tower p s it may be advisable to to the above the statement that mrs is not in confidential possession of my intentions i read the letter over several times making due allowance for mr s lofty style of composition and for the extraordinary relish with which he sat down and wrote long letters on all possible and impossible occasions i still believed that something important lay hidden at the bottom of this communication i put it down to think about it and took it up again to read it once more and was still pursuing it when found me in the height of my perplexity my dear fellow said i i never was better pleased to see you you come to give me the benefit of your sober judgment at a most time i have received a very singular letter from mr no cried you don t say so and i have received one from mrs with that who was flushed with walking and whose hair under the combined effects of exercise and excitement stood on end as if he saw a cheerful ghost produced his letter and made an exchange with me i watched him into the heart of mr s letter and returned the elevation of eyebrows with which he said the or directing the devouring and flame bless me and then entered on the perusal of mrs s it ran thus my best regards to mr thomas and if he should still remember one who formerly had the happiness of being well acquainted with him may i beg a few moments of his leisure time i assure mr t t that i would not intrude upon his kindness were i in any other position than on the of distraction of david to myself to mention the of mr formerly so from his wife and family is the cause of my addressing my unhappy appeal to mr and his best indulgence mr t can form no adequate idea of the change in mr s conduct of his of his violence it has gradually until it the appearance of of intellect scarcely a day passes i assure mr on which some does not take place mr t will not require me to my feelings when i inform him that i have become accustomed to hear mr assert that he has sold himself to the d mystery and have long been his principal characteristic have long replaced unlimited confidence the slightest provocation even being asked if there is anything he would prefer for dinner causes him to express a wish for a separation last night on being for to buy a local he presented an knife at the i entreat mr to bear with me in entering into these details without them mr t would indeed find it difficult to form the faintest conception of my heart situation may i now venture to confide to mr t the purport of my letter will he now allow me to throw myself on his friendly consideration oh yes for i know his heart the quick eye of affection is not easily blinded when of the female sex mr is going to london though he concealed his hand this morning before breakfast in writing the direction card which he attached to the little brown of happier days the of matrimonial anxiety detected d o n distinctly traced the west end destination of the coach is the golden cross dare i fervently mr t to see my husband and to reason with him dare i ask mr t to endeavour to step in between mr and his family oh no for that would be too much if mr should yet remember one unknown to fame will mr t take charge of my regards and similar entreaties in any case he will have the benevolence lo consider this communication strictly private and on no account whatever to he alluded to in the presence of mr if mr t should ever reply to it which i cannot but feel to be most improbable a letter addressed to m e post office will be with less painful consequences than any addressed immediately to one who herself in extreme distress mr thomas s respectful friend and what do you think of that letter said casting his eyes upon me when i had read it twice what do you think of the other said i he was still reading it with brows i think that the two together replied mean more than mr and mrs usually mean in their correspondence but i don t know what they are both written in good faith i have no
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doubt and without any poor thing he was now alluding k k the personal history and experience to mrs s letter and we were standing side by side comparing the two it will be a charity to write to her at all events and tell her that we will not fail to see mr i to this the more readily because i now reproached myself with having treated her former letter rather lightly it had set me thinking a good deal at the time as i have mentioned in its place but my in my own my experience of the family and my hearing nothing more had gradually ended in my the subject i had often thought of the but chiefly to wonder what pecuniary they were establishing in and to recall how shy mr was of me when he became clerk to keep however i now wrote a comforting letter to mrs in our joint names and we both signed it as we walked into town to post it and i held a long conference and launched into a number of speculations which i need not repeat we took my aunt into our counsels in the afternoon but our only decided conclusion that we would be very punctual in keeping mr s appointment although we appeared at the place a quarter of an hour before the time we found mr already there he was standing with his arms folded over against the wall looking at the on the top with a sentimental expression as if they were the boughs of trees that had shaded him in his youth when we him his manner was something more confused and something less genteel than of he had his legal suit of black for the purposes of this excursion and wore the old and but not quite with the old air he gradually picked up more and more of it as we conversed him but his very eye glass seemed to hang less easily and his shirt collar though still of the old formidable dimensions rather drooped gentlemen said mr after the first you are friends in need and friends indeed allow me to offer my inquiries with reference to the physical welfare of mrs in and mrs m that is to say that my friend mr is not yet united to the object of his affections for and for woe we acknowledged his politeness and made suitable replies he then directed our attention to the wall and was beginning i assure you gentlemen when i ventured to object to that form of address and to beg that he would speak to us in the old way my dear he returned pressing my hand your cordiality me this reception of a shattered fragment of the temple once called man if i may be permitted so to express myself a heart that is an honor to our common nature i was about to observe that i again behold the serene spot where some of the happiest hours of my existence by made so i am sure by mrs said i i hope she is well thank you returned mr whose face clouded at this reference she is but so so and this said mr nodding his head sorrowfully is the bench where for the first time in many revolving of david years the overwhelming pressure of pecuniary was not proclaimed from day to day by voices declining to the passage where there was no on the door for any to appeal to where personal service of process was not required and were merely lodged at the gate gentlemen said mr when the shadow of that iron work on the summit of the brick structure has been reflected on the gravel of the parade i have seen my children thread the of the intricate pattern avoiding the dark marks i have been familiar with every stone in the place if i betray weakness you will know how to excuse me we have all got on in life since then mr said i mr returned mr bitterly when i was an of that retreat i could look my fellow man in the face and punch his head if he offended me my fellow man and are no longer on those glorious terms turning from the building in a downcast manner mi accepted my proffered arm on one side and the proffered arm of on the other and walked away between us there are some observed mr looking fondly back over his shoulder on the road to the tomb which but for the of the a man would wish never to have passed such is the bench in my career oh you are in low spirits mr said i am sir interposed mr i hope said it is not because you have conceived a dislike to the law for i am a lawyer myself you know mr answered not a word how is our friend mr said i after a silence my dear returned mr bursting into a state of much excitement and turning pale if you ask after my employer as your friend i am sorry for it if you ask after him as my friend i smile at it in whatever capacity you ask after my employer i beg without offence to you to limit my reply to this that whatever his state of health may be his appearance is not to say you will allow me as a private individual to decline pursuing a subject which has lashed me to the utmost verge of desperation in my professional capacity i expressed my regret for having innocently touched upon a theme that roused him so much may i ask said i without any hazard of repeating the mistake how my old friends mr and miss are miss said mr now turning red is as she always is a pattern and a bright example my dear she is the only
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ma am returned mr in the balance my employer here mr left off and began to the that had been under my directions set before him together with ah the other he used in punch your employer you know said mr dick his arm as a gentle my good sir returned mr you recall me i am obliged to you they shook hands again my employer ma am mr once did me the favor to observe to me that if i were not in the receipt of the to my engagement with him i should probably be a about the country a sword blade and eating the devouring element for anything that i can perceive to the contrary it is still probable that my children may be reduced to seek a by personal while mrs their unnatural by playing the barrel organ mr with a random but expressive flourish of his knife the personal history and experience signified that these performances might be expected to take place after he was no more then resumed his with a desperate air my aunt leaned her elbow on the little round table that she usually kept beside her and eyed him attentively notwithstanding the aversion with which i regarded the idea of him into any e he was not prepared to make voluntarily i should have taken him up at this point but for the strange proceedings in which i saw him engaged whereof his putting the into the kettle the sugar into the the spirit into the empty and confidently attempting to pour boiling water out of a were among the most remarkable i saw that a crisis was at hand and it came he all his means and implements together rose from his chair pulled out his pocket handkerchief and burst into tears my dear said mr behind his handkerchief this is an occupation of all others requiring an mind and self respect i cannot perform it it is out of the question mr said i what is the matter pray speak out you are among friends among friends sir repeated mr and all he had reserved came breaking out of him good heavens it is principally because i am among friends that my state of mind is what it is what is the matter gentlemen what is not the matter is the matter is the matter deception fraud conspiracy are the matter and the name of the whole mass is my aunt clapped her hands and we all started up as if we were the struggle is over said mr violently with his pocket handkerchief and fairly striking out from time to time with both arms as if he were swimming under difficulties i will lead this life no longer i am a wretched being cut off from everything that makes life tolerable i have been under a in that infernal scoundrel s service give me back my wife give me back my family substitute for the petty wretch who walks about in the boots at present on my feet and call upon me to swallow a sword to morrow and i do it with an appetite i never saw a man so hot in my life i tried to calm him that we might come to something rational but he got and and wouldn t hear a word i put my hand in no man s hand said mr gasping puffing and sobbing to that degree that he was like a man fighting with cold water until i have blown to fragments the a detestable serpent i partake of no one s hospitality until i have a moved mount to on a the abandoned rascal a underneath this roof particularly punch would a me unless i had previously the eyes out of the head a of interminable cheat and liar i a i know nobody and a say nothing and a live nowhere until i have to a the and immortal and i really had some fear of mr s dying on the spot the of david manner in which he struggled through these inarticulate sentences and whenever he found himself getting near the name of fought his way on to it dashed at it in a fainting state and brought it out with a vehemence little less than marvellous was frightful but now when he sank into a chair steaming and looked at us with every possible color in his face that had no business there and an endless procession of following one another in hot haste up his throat whence they seemed to shoot into his forehead he had the appearance of being in the last extremity i would have gone to his assistance but he me off and wouldn t hear a word no no communication a until miss a from wrongs inflicted by scoundrel i am quite convinced he could not have uttered three words but for the amazing energy with which this word inspired him when he felt it coming secret a from the whole world a no exceptions this day week a at breakfast time a everybody present including aunt a and extremely friendly gentleman to be at the hotel at a where mrs and myself in chorus and a will expose intolerable no more to say a or listen to persuasion go immediately not capable a bear society upon the track of devoted and doomed traitor with this last repetition of the magic word that had kept him going at
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