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all and in which he surpassed all his previous efforts mr rushed out of the house leaving us in a state of excitement hope and wonder that reduced us to a condition little better than his own but even then his passion for writing letters was too strong to be resisted for while we were yet in the height of our excitement hope and wonder the following pastoral note was brought to me from a neighbouring tavern at which he had called to write it r most secret and confidential my sir i beg to be allowed to convey through you my apologies to your excellent aunt for my late excitement an explosion of a long suppressed was the result of an internal contest more easily conceived than described i trust i rendered tolerably intelligible my appointment for the morning of this day week at the house of entertainment at where mrs and myself had once the honor of our voices to yours in the well known strain of the immortal beyond the the duty done and act of performed which can alone enable me to contemplate my fellow mortal i shall be known no more i shall simply e to be deposited in that place of universal resort where each in his narrow cell for ever laid the rude forefathers of the hamlet sleep with the plain inscription the personal history and experience l mr s dream comes true by this time some months had passed since our interview on the bank of the river with i had never seen her since but she had communicated with mr on several occasions nothing had come of her zealous nor could i infer from what he told me that any clue had ever been obtained for a moment to s fate i confess that i began to despair of her recovery and gradually to sink deeper and deeper into the belief that she was dead his conviction remained unchanged so far as i know and i believe his honest heart was transparent to me he never wavered again in his solemn certainty of finding her his patience never tired and although i trembled for the agony it might one day be to him to have his strong assurance shivered at a blow there was something so religious in it so expressive of its anchor being in the purest depths of his fine nature that the respect and honor in which i held him were exalted every day his was not a lazy that hoped and did no more he had been a man of sturdy action all his life and he knew that in all things v he wanted help he must do his own part faithfully and help himself i have known him set out in the night on a that the light might not be by some accident in the window of the old boat and walk to i have known him on reading something in the newspaper that might apply to her take up his stick and go forth on a journey of three or four score miles he made his way by sea to and back after hearing the narrative to which miss had assisted me all his journeys were performed for he was always steadfast in a purpose of saving money for s sake she should be found in all this long pursuit i never heard him i never heard him say he was fatigued or out of heart had often seen him since our marriage and was quite fond of him i fancy his figure before me now standing near her sofa with his rough cap in his hand and the blue eyes of my child wife raised with a timid wonder to his face sometimes of an evening about twilight when he came to talk with me i would induce him to smoke his pipe in the garden as we slowly paced to and fro together and then the picture of his deserted home and the comfortable air it used to have in my childish eyes of an evening when the fire was burning and the wind moaning round it came most vividly into my mind one evening at this hour he told me that he had found waiting near his lodging on the preceding night when he came out and that she had asked him not to leave london on any account until he should have seen her again did she tell you why i inquired of david i asked her r he replied but it is but few words as she ever says and she on y got my promise and so went away did she say when you might expect to see her again i demanded no r he returned drawing his hand thoughtfully down his face i asked that too but it was more she said than she could teu as i had long to encourage him with hopes that hung on threads i made no other comment on this information than that i supposed he would see her soon such speculations as it within me i kept to myself and those were faint enough i was walking alone in the garden one evening about a fortnight afterwards i remember that evening well it was the second in mr s week of suspense there had been rain all day and there was a damp feeling in the air the leaves were thick upon the trees and heavy with wet but the rain had ceased though the sky was still dark and the hopeful birds were singing cheerfully as i walked to and fro in the garden and the twilight began to close around me their little voices were hushed and that peculiar silence which belongs to such an evening in the country when the trees are quite still save for the occasional from their boughs prevailed there was a little green perspective of work and ivy at
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the side of our cottage through which i could see from the garden where i was walking into the road before the house i happened to turn my eyes towards this place as i was thinking of many things and i saw a figure beyond dressed in a plain cloak it was bending eagerly towards me and said i going to it can you come with me she inquired in an agitated whisper i have been to him and he is not at home i wrote down where he was to come and left it on his table with my own hand they said he would not be out long i have tidings for him can you come directly my answer was to pass out at the gate immediately she made a hasty gesture with her hand as if to entreat my patience and my silence and turned towards london whence as her dress she had come on foot i asked her if that were not our destination on her yes with the same hasty gesture as before i stopped an empty coach that was coming by and we got into it when i asked her where the coachman was to drive she answered anywhere near golden square and quick then shrunk into a comer with one trembling hand before her face and the other making the former gesture as if she could not bear a voice now much disturbed and dazzled with conflicting of hope and dread i looked at her for some explanation but seeing how strongly she desired to remain quiet and feeling that it was my own natural inclination too at such a time i did not attempt to break the silence we proceeded without a word being spoken sometimes she glanced out of the window as though she thought we were going slowly though indeed we were going fast but otherwise remained exactly as at first we alighted at one of the to the square she had mentioned where i directed the coach to wait not knowing but that we might have the personal and experience some for it she laid her hand ou my arm and hurried me on to one of the sombre streets of which there are several in that part where the houses were once fair dwellings in the occupation of single families but have and had long into poor lodgings let off in rooms entering at the open door of one of these and my arm she beckoned me to follow her up the common staircase which was like a channel to the street the house with inmates as we went up doors of rooms were opened and people s heads put out and we passed other people on the stairs who were coming down in glancing up from the outside before we entered i had seen women and children at the windows over flower pots and we seemed to have attracted their curiosity for these were principally the who looked out of their doors it was a broad staircase with massive of some dark wood above the doors ornamented with carved fruit and flowers and broad seats in the windows but all these tokens of past grandeur were miserably decayed and dirty rot damp and age had weakened the which in many places was and even some attempts had been made i noticed to new blood into this frame by the costly old wood work here and there with common deal but it was like the marriage of a reduced old noble to a and each party to the ill union shrunk away from the other several of the back windows on the staircase had been darkened or wholly blocked up in those that remained there was scarcely any glass and through the crumbling frames by which the bad air seemed always to come in and never to go out i saw through other windows into other houses in a similar condition and looked down into a wretched yard which was the common dust heap of the mansion we proceeded to the top story of the house two or three times by the way i thought i observed in the indistinct light the skirts of a female figure going up before us as we turned to ascend the last flight of stairs between us and the roof we caught a full view of this figure pausing for a moment at a door then it turned the handle and went in what s this said in a whisper she has gone into my room i don t know her knew her i had recognised her with amazement for miss i said something to the effect that it was a lady whom i had seen before in a few words to my and had scarcely done so when we heard her voice in the room though not from where we stood what she was saying with an astonished look repeated her former action and softly led me up the stairs and then by a little back door which seemed to have no lock and which she pushed open with a touch into a small empty garret with a low sloping roof little better than a cupboard between this and the room she had called hers there was a small door of communication standing partly open here we stopped breathless with our ascent and she placed her hand lightly on my lips i could only see of the room beyond that it was pretty large that there was a bed in it and that there were some common pictures of ships upon the walls i could not see miss or the person whom we had heard her address certainly my companion could not for my position was the best of david a dead silence prevailed for some moments kept one hand on my lips and raised the other in a listening attitude it matters little to me her not being at
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home said i know nothing of her it is you i come to see me replied a soft voice at the sound of it a thrill went through my frame it was s yes returned miss i have come to look at you what you are not ashamed of the face that has done so much the resolute and hatred of her tone its cold stern and its mastered rage presented her before me as if i had seen her standing in the light i saw the flashing black eyes and the figure and i saw the with its white track cutting through her lips quivering and throbbing as she spoke i have come to see she said james s fancy the girl who ran away with him and is the town talk of the commonest people of her native place the bold practised companion of persons like james i want to know what such a thing is like there was a rustle as if the unhappy girl on whom she heaped these ran towards the door and the speaker swiftly interposed herself before it it was succeeded by a moment s pause when miss spoke again it was through her set teeth and with a stamp upon the ground stay there she said or i proclaim you to the house and the whole street if you try to me i stop you if it s by the hair and raise the very stones against you a frightened murmur was the only reply that reached my ears a silence succeeded i did not know what to do much as i desired to put an end to the interview i felt that i had no right to present myself that it was for mr alone to see her and recover her would he never come i thought impatiently so said with a contemptuous laugh i see her at last why he was a poor creature to be taken by that delicate and that hanging head oh for heaven s sake spare me exclaimed w you are you know my pitiable story and for heaven s sake spare me if you would be spared yourself if would be spared returned the other fiercely what is there in common between u do you think nothing but our sex said with a burst of tears and that said is so strong a claim preferred by one so infamous that if i had any feeling in my breast but scorn and of you it would it up our sex you are an honour to our sex i have deserved this cried but it s dreadful dear dear lady think what i have suffered and how i am fallen oh come back oh home home miss placed herself in a chair within view of the door and looked downward as if were crouching on the floor before her being now between me and the light i could see her curled lip and her cruel eyes intently fixed on one place with a greedy triumph listen to what i say she said and reserve your false arts for the personal history and experience our do you hope to move me by your tears no more than you could charm me by your smiles you purchased slave oh have some mercy on me cried show me some compassion or i shall die mad it would be no great penance said for your crimes do you know what you have done do you ever think of the home you have laid waste oh is there ever night or day when i don t think of it i cried and now i could just see her on her knees with her head thrown back her pale face looking upward her hands wildly clasped and held out and her hair streaming about her has there ever been a single minute waking or sleeping when it hasn t been before me just as it used to be in the lost days when i turned my back upon it for ever and for ever oh home home oh dear dear uncle if you ever could have known the agony your love would cause me when i fell away from good you never would have shown it to me so constant much as you felt it but would have been angry to me at least once in my life that i might have had some comfort i have none none no comfort upon earth for all of them were always fond of me she dropped on her face before the imperious figure in the chair with an imploring effort to clasp the skirt of her dress sat looking down upon her as as a figure of brass her lips were tightly compressed as if she knew that she must keep a strong upon herself i write what i sincerely believe or she would be tempted to strike the beautiful form with her foot i saw her distinctly and the whole power of her face and character seemed forced into that expression would he never come the miserable vanity of these earth worms she said when she had so far controlled the angry of her breast that she could trust herself to speak your home do you imagine that i bestow a thought on it or suppose you could do any harm to that low place which money would not pay for and handsomely your home you were a part of the trade of your home and were bought and sold like any other thing your people dealt in oh not that cried say anything of me but don t visit my disgrace and shame more than i have done on folks who are as honorable as you have some respect for them as you are a lady if you have no mercy for me i speak she said not to take any heed of this appeal and drawing away her dress
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to feeling grateful to the upright and deserving creature who would have taken you as his gift or if those proud and the consciousness of your own virtues and the honorable position to which they have raised you in the eyes of everything that wears the human shape will not sustain you marry that good man and be happy in his condescension if this will not do either die there are and for such deaths and such despair find one and take your flight to heaven i heard a distant foot upon the stairs i knew it i was certain it was his thank god she moved slowly from before the door when she said this and passed out of my sight but mark she added slowly and sternly opening the other door to go away i am resolved for reasons that i have and that i entertain to cast you out unless you withdraw from my reach altogether or drop your pretty mask this is what i had to say and what i say i mean to do the foot upon the stairs came nearer nearer passed her as she went rushed into the room uncle a fearful cry followed the word i paused a moment and looking in saw him supporting her insensible figure in his arms he gazed for a few seconds in the face then stooped to kiss it oh how tenderly and drew a handkerchief before it r he said in a low tremulous voice when it was covered i thank my father as my dream s come true i thank him hearty for having guided of me in his own ways to my darling with those words he took her up in his arms and with the veiled face lying on his bosom and addressed towards his own carried her motionless and unconscious down the stairs of david chapter li the beginning of a longer journey it was yet early in the morning of the following day when as i was walking in my garden with my aunt who took little other exercise now being so much in attendance on my dear i was told that mr desired to speak with me he came into the garden to meet me half way on my going towards the gate and his head as it was always his custom to do when he saw my aunt for whom he had a high respect i had been telling her all that had happened over night without saying a word she walked up with a cordial face shook hands with him and patted him on the arm it so done that she had no need to say a word mr understood her quite as well as if she had said a thousand i go in now trot said my aunt and look after little blossom who will be getting up presently not along of my being ma am i hope said mr unless my wits is gone a s by which mr meant to say bird s this morning tis along of me as you re a going to quit us you have something to say my good friend returned my aunt and will do better without me by your leave ma am returned mr i should take it kind you t mind my if you d bide would you said my aunt with short good nature then i am sure i will so she drew her arm through mr s and walked with him to a leafy little summer house there was at the bottom of the garden where she sat down on a bench and i beside her there was a seat for mr too but he preferred to stand leaning his hand on the small rustic table as he stood looking at his cap for a little while before beginning to speak i could not help observing what power and force of character his hand expressed and what a good and companion it was to his honest brow and iron grey hair i took my dear child away last night mr began as he raised his eyes to ours to my lodging i have a long time been expecting of her and preparing fur her it was hours afore she me right and when she did she down at my feet and said to me as if it was her prayers how it all come to be you may believe me when i her voice as i had at home so playful and see her as it might be in the dust our wrote in with his blessed hand i felt a go to my art in the midst of all its he drew his sleeve across his face without any pretence of concealing why and then cleared his voice it warn t for long as i felt that for she was found i had on y to l l the personal history and experience think as she was found and it was gone i t know why i do so much as mention of it now i m sure i didn t have it in my mind a minute ago to say a word about myself but it come up so that i yielded to it afore i was you are a self denying soul said my aunt and will have your reward mr with the shadows of the leaves playing his face made a surprised inclination of the head towards my aunt as an acknowledgment of her good opinion then took up the thread he had when my em ly took flight he said in stern wrath for the moment from the house she was made a ner by that spotted snake as r see and his story s and may god confound him she took flight in the night it was a dark night with a many stars a shining
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she was wild she ran along the sea beach believing the old boat was and calling out to us to turn away our faces for she was a coming by she herself a crying out like as if it was another person and cut herself on them sharp stones and rocks and felt it no more than if she had been rock herself ever so fur she run and there was fire afore her eyes and in her ears of a sudden or so she you the day broke wet and windy and she was lying b low a heap of stone upon the shore and a woman was a speaking to her saying in the language of that country what was it as had gone so much amiss he saw everything he related it passed before him as he spoke so vividly that in the intensity of his earnestness he presented what he described to me with greater distinctness than i can express i can hardly believe writing now long afterwards but that i was actually present in these scenes they are impressed upon me with such an astonishing air of fidelity as em ly s eyes which was heavy see this woman better mr went on she know d as she was one of them as she had often talked to on the beach fur though she had run as i have said ever so fur in the night she had wandered long ways partly partly in boats and carriages and know d all that country long the coast miles and miles she hadn t no children of her own this woman being a young wife but she was a looking to have one afore long and may my prayers go up to heaven that be a ness to her and a comfort and a honor all her life may it love her and be to her in her old age of her at the last a angel to her and amen said my aunt she had been and down said mr and had sat at first a little way oft at her spinning or such work as it was when em ly talked to the children but em ly had took notice of her and had gone and spoke to her and as the young woman was partial to the children herself they had soon made friends that when em ly went that way she always em ly flowers this was her as now asked what it was that had gone so much amiss em ly told her and she took her home she did indeed she took her home said mr covering his face of david he was more affected by this act of kindness than i had ever seen him affected by anything since the night she went away my aunt and i did not attempt to disturb him it was a little cottage you may suppose he said presently but she found space for em ly in it her husband was away at sea and she it secret and prevailed upon such neighbours as she had they was not many near to keep it secret too em ly was took bad with fever and what is very strange to me is maybe tis not so strange to scholars the language of that country went out of her head and she could only speak her own that no one she as if she had dreamed it that she lay there always a talking her own tongue always believing as the old boat was round the next pint in the bay and begging and imploring of em to send and tell how she was dying and bring back a message of forgiveness if it was on y a a most the whole time she now that him as i made mention on just now was lurking for her the now that him as had brought her to this was in the room and cried to the good young woman not to give her up and know d at the same time that she couldn t and dreaded that she must be took away likewise the fire was afore her eyes and the in her ears and there was no to day nor yesterday nor yet to morrow but everything in her life as ever had been or as ever could be and everything as never had been and as never could be was a crowding on her all at once and nothing clear nor welcome and yet she sang and laughed about it how long this lasted i t know but then there come a sleep and in that sleep from being a many times stronger than her own self she fell into the weakness of the child here he stopped as if for relief from the terrors of his own description after being silent for a few moments he pursued his story it was a pleasant when she awoke and so quiet that there warn t a sound but the rippling of that blue sea without a tide upon the shore it her belief at first that she was at home upon a sunday morning but the vine leaves as she see at the and the hills beyond warn t home and contradicted of her then come in her friend to watch alongside of her bed and then she know d as the old boat warn t round that next pint in the bay no more but was fur off and know d where she was and why and broke out a crying on that good young woman s bosom i hope her baby is a lying now a cheering of her with its pretty eyes he could not speak of this good friend of s without a flow of tears it was in vain to try he broke down again endeavouring to bless
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her that done my em ly good he resumed after such emotion as i could not behold without sharing in and as to my aunt she wept with all her heart that done em ly good and she begun to mend but the language of that country was quite gone from her and she was forced to make signs so she went on getting better from day to day slow but sure and trying to learn the names of common things names as she seemed never to have in all her life till one evening come when she was a setting at her window looking at a little girl at play upon the beach and of a sudden this child held out her hand and said what would be in english s daughter here s a shell for you are to l l g the personal history and experience stand that they used at first to call her pretty lady as the general way in that country is and that she had taught em to call her s daughter instead the child says of a sudden s daughter here s a shell then em ly her and she answers bursting out a crying and it all comes back when em ly got strong again said mr after another short interval of silence she cast about to leave that good young and get to her own country the husband was come home then and the two together put her aboard a small bound to and from that to france she had a little money but it was less than little as they would take for all they done i m a most glad on it though they was so poor what they done is laid up neither nor doth corrupt and thieves do not break through nor steal r it ll all the treasure in the em ly got to france and took service to wait on travelling ladies at a inn in the port come one day that snake let him never come nigh me i t know what hurt i might do him soon as she see him without him seeing her all her fear and returned upon her and she fled afore the very breath he draw d she come to england and was set ashore at i t know said mr for sure when her art begun to fail her but all the way to england she had to come to her dear home soon as she got to england she turned her face tow it but fear of not being fear of being at fear of some of us being dead along of her fear of many things turned her from it by force upon the road uncle uncle she says to me the fear of not being worthy to do what my torn and bleeding breast so longed to do was the most fright fear of all i turned back when my art was full of prayers that i might crawl to the old in the night kiss it lay my wicked face upon it and be found dead in the morning she come said mr dropping his voice to an awe stricken whisper to london she as had never seen it in her life alone without a penny young so pretty come to london a most the moment as she lighted all so desolate she found as she believed a friend a decent woman as spoke to her about the needle work as she had been brought up to do about finding plenty of it fur her about a lodging for the night and making secret concerning of me and all at home to morrow when my child he said aloud and with an energy of gratitude that shook him from head to foot stood upon the brink of more than i can say or think on to her promise saved her i could not repress a cry of joy r he said my hand in that strong hand of his it was you as first made mention of her to me i sir she was she had know d of her bitter knowledge to watch and what to do she had done it and the lord was above all she come white and hurried upon em ly in her sleep she says to her up from worse than death and come with me them belonging to the house would have stopped her but they might as soon have stopped the sea stand away from me she says i am a ghost that calls her from beside her open grave she told em ly she had seen me and know d i op david i loved her and her she wrapped her hasty in her clothes she took her faint and trembling on her arm she no more what they said than if she had had no ears she walked among em with my child only her and brought her safe out in the dead of the night from that black pit of ruin she attended on em ly said mr who had released my hand and put his own hand on his heaving chest she attended to my em ly lying wearied out and wandering till late next day then she went in search of me then in search of you r she didn t tell em ly what she come out fur lest her art should fail and she should think of hiding of herself how the cruel lady know d of her being i can t say whether him as i have spoke so much of chanced to see em going or whether which is most like to my thinking he had it from the woman i t greatly ask myself my niece is found all night long said mr we have been together em ly and me tis
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little considering the time as she has said in through them broken hearted tears tis less as i have seen of her dear face as grow d into a woman s at my hearth but all night long her arms has been about my neck and her head has laid and we knows full well as we can put our trust in one another ever more he ceased to speak and his hand upon the table rested there in perfect repose with a resolution in it that might have conquered lions it was a gleam of light upon me trot said my aunt drying her eyes when i formed the resolution of being to your sister who disappointed me but next to that hardly anything would have given me greater pleasure than to be to that good young creature s baby mr nodded his understanding of my aunt s feelings but could not trust himself with any verbal reference to the subject of her we all remained silent and occupied with our own reflections my aunt drying her eyes and now sobbing and now laughing and calling herself a fool until i spoke you have quite made up your mind said i to mr as to the future good friend i need scarcely ask you quite r he returned and told em ly s mighty countries fur from our future life lays over the sea they will together aunt said i yes said mr with a hopeful smile no one can t reproach my darling in we will begin a new life over i asked him if he yet proposed to himself any time for going away i was down at the early this morning sir he returned to get information concerning of them ships in about six weeks or two months from now there be one sailing i see her this morning went aboard and we shall take our passage in her alone i asked aye r he returned my sister you see she s that fond of you and and that accustomed to think on y of her own country that it wouldn t be hardly fair to let her go besides which s one she has in charge r as t ought to be forgot poor ham said l my good sister takes care of his house you see ma am and he takes the and experience kindly to her mr explained for my aunt s better information he set and talk to her with a calm spirit it s like he couldn t bring himself to open his lips to another poor fellow said mr shaking his head s not so much left him that he could spare the little as he has and mrs said i well i ve had a of con i do tell you returned mr with a perplexed look which gradually cleared as he went on concerning of you see falls a thinking of the old un she an t what you may call good company you and me r and you ma am mrs takes to our old county word for crying she s liable to be considered to be by them as didn t know the old un like now i did know the old un said mr and i know d his merits so i her but tan t entirely so you see with others rally can t be my aunt and i both said mr my sister might i t say she would but might find give her a trouble again tan t my intentions to long with them but to find a fur her she can fur herself a in that dialect a home and to is to provide which purpose said mr i means to make her a afore i go as leave her pretty comfort ble she s the of tan t to be expected of course at her time of life and being lone and as the good old is to be knocked about and in the woods and of a new and fur away country so that s what i ra a going to do with he forgot nobody he thought of everybody s claims and but his own em ly he continued will keep along with me poor child she s sore in need of peace and rest until such time as we goes upon our voyage she ll work at them clothes as must be made and i hope her troubles will begin to seem longer ago than they was she finds herself once more by her rough but loving uncle my aunt nodded confirmation of this hope and imparted great satisfaction to mr s one thing r said he putting his hand in his breast pocket and gravely taking out the little paper bundle i had seen before which he on the table s these here fifty pound and ten to them i wish to add the money as she come away with i ve asked her about that but not saying why and have added of it up i an t a scholar would you be so kind as see how tis he handed me for his a piece of paper and observed me while i looked it over it was quite right sir he said taking it back this money if you t see objections r i shall put up jest afore i go in a cover d to him and put that up in another d to his mother i shall tell her in no more than i speak to you what it s the price on and that i m gone and past receiving of it back of david i told him that i thought it would be right to do so that i was thoroughly convinced it would be since he felt it to be right i said that was
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on y one thing der he proceeded with a grave smile when he had made up his little bundle again and put it in his pocket but was two i warn t sure in my mind i come out this morning as i could go and break to ham of my own self what had so happened so i writ a letter while i was out and put it in the post office telling of em how all was as tis and that i should come down to morrow to my mind of what little needs a doing of down and most like take my farewell leave of and do you wish me to go with you said i seeing that he left something if you could do me that kind favor r he replied i know the sight on you would cheer em up a bit my little being in good spirits and very desirous that i should go as i found on talking it over with her i readily pledged myself to accompany him in accordance with his wish next morning consequently we were on the coach and again travelling over the old ground as we passed along the familiar street at night mr in despite of all my carrying my bag i glanced into and s shop and saw my old friend mr there smoking his pipe i felt reluctant to be present when mr first met his sister and ham and made mr my excuse for lingering behind how is mr after this long time said i going in he away the e of his pipe that he might get a better view of me and soon recognised me with great delight i should get up sir to acknowledge such an honor as this visit said he only my limbs are rather out of sorts and i am wheeled about with the exception of my limbs and my breath ever i am as hearty as a man can be i m thankful to say i congratulated him on his contented looks and his good spirits and saw now that his easy chair went on wheels it s an ingenious thing ain t it he inquired following the direction of my glance and the elbow with his arm it runs as light as a feather and tracks as true as a mail coach bless you my little ray grand daughter you know s child puts her little strength against the back gives it a and away we go as clever and merry as ever you see anything and i tell you what it s a most uncommon chair to smoke a pipe in i never saw such a good old fellow to make the best of a thing and find out the enjoyment of it as mr he was as radiant as if his chair his and the failure of his limbs were the various of a great invention for the luxury of a pipe i see more of the world i can assure you said mr in this chair than ever i see out of it you d be surprised at the number of people that looks in of a day to have a chat you really would there s twice as much in the newspaper since i ve taken to this chair as used to be as to general reading dear me what a lot of it i do get through that s what i feel so strong you know if it had been my eyes what should i have done if it had been my ears what should i have done being my limbs what does it signify why my the history and experience only made ray breath shorter when i used em and now if i want to go out into the street or down to the sands i ve only got to call dick s youngest and away i go in my own carriage like the lord mayor of london he half himself with laughing here lord bless you said mr his pipe a man must take the fat with the lean that s what he must make up his mind to in this life does a fine business ex business i am very glad to hear it said i i knew you would be said mr and and are like what more can a man expect what s his limbs to his supreme contempt for his own limbs as he sat smoking was one of the i have ever encountered and since i ve took to general reading you ve took to general writing eh sir said mr surveying me what a lovely work that was of yours what expressions in it i read it every word every word and as to feeling sleepy not at all i expressed my satisfaction but i must confess that i thought this association of ideas significant i give you my word and honor sir said mr that when i lay that book upon the table and look at it outside compact in three separate and one two three i am as proud as punch to think that i once had the honor of being connected with your family and dear me it s a long time ago now an t it over at with a pretty little party laid along with the other party and you quite a small party then yourself dear dear i changed the subject by referring to after assuring him that i did not forget how interested he had always been in her and how kindly he had always treated her i gave him a general account of her restoration to her uncle by the aid of which i knew would please the old man he listened with the utmost attention and said when i had done i am rejoiced at it sir it s the best news i have
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heard for many a day dear dear dear and what s going to be undertook for that unfortunate young woman now you touch a point that my thoughts have been dwelling on since yesterday said i but on which i can give you no information yet mr mr has not alluded to it and i have a delicacy in doing so i am sure he has not forgotten it he forgets nothing that is disinterested and good because you know said mr taking himself up where he had left off whatever is done i should wish to be a member of put me down for anything you may consider right and let me know i never could think the girl all bad and i am glad to find she s not so will my daughter be young women are contradictory creatures in some things her mother was just the same as her but their hearts are soft and kind it s all show with about why she should consider it necessary to make any show i don t to tell you but it s all show bless you she d do her any kindness in private so put me down for whatever you may consider right will you be so good of david and drop me a line to forward it dear me said mr when a man is drawing on to a time of life where the two ends of life meet when he finds himself however hearty he is being wheeled about for the second time in a speeches of go cart he should be over rejoiced to do a kindness if he can he wants plenty and i don t speak of myself particular said mr because sir the way i look at it is that we are all drawing on to the bottom of the hill whatever age we are on account of time never standing still for a single moment so let us always do a kindness and be over rejoiced to be sure he knocked the ashes out of his pipe and put it on a ledge in the back of his chair expressly made for its reception there s em ly s cousin him that she was to have been married to said mr rubbing his hands feebly as fine a fellow as there is in he come and talk or read to me in the evening for an hour together sometimes that s a kindness i should call it all his life s a kindness i am going to see him now said i are you said mr tell him i was hearty and sent my respects and s at a ball they would be as proud to see you as i am if they was at home won t hardly go out at all you see on account of father as she says so i swore to night that if she didn t go i d go to bed at six in consequence of which mr shook himself and his chair with laughter at the success of his device she and s at a ball i shook hands with him and wished him good night half a minute sir said mr if you was to go seeing my little elephant you d lose the best of sights you never see such a sight a musical little voice answered from somewhere upstairs i am coming grandfather and a pretty little girl with long curling hair soon came running into the shop this is my little elephant sir said mr the child breed sir now little elephant the little elephant set the door of the parlor open me to see that in these latter days it was converted into a bedroom for mr who could not be easily conveyed upstairs and then hid her pretty forehead and tumbled her long hair against the back of mr s chair the elephant you know sir said mr when he goes at a object once elephant twice three times at this signal the little elephant with a dexterity that was next to marvellous in so small an animal the chair round with mr in it and rattled it ofi into the parlor without touching the mr enjoying the performance and looking back at me on the road as if it were the triumphant issue of his life s exertions after a stroll about the town i went to ham s house had now removed here for good and had let her own house to the successor of mr in the carrying business who had paid her very well for the good will cart and horse i believe the very same slow horse that mr drove was still at work i found them in the neat kitchen accompanied by mrs who the personal history and experience had been fetched from the old boat by mr himself i doubt if she could have been induced to desert her post by any one else he had evidently told them all both and mrs had their to their eyes and ham had just stepped out to take a turn on the beach he presently came home very glad to see me and i hope they were all the better for my being there we spoke with some approach to cheerfulness of mr s growing rich in a new country and of the wonders he would describe in his letters we said nothing of by name but referred to her more than once ham was the of the party but told me when she lighted me to a little chamber where the book was lying ready for me on the table tliat he always was the same she believed she told me crying that he was broken hearted though he was as full of courage as of sweetness and worked harder and better than any boat in any yard in all that part there were times she said of
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an evening when he talked of their old life in the and then he mentioned as a child but he never mentioned her as a woman i i had read in his face that he would like to speak to me alone i therefore resolved to put myself in his way next evening as he came home from his work having settled this with myself i fell asleep that night for the first time in all those many nights the candle was taken out of the window mr swung in his old in the old boat and the wind murmured with the old sound round his head all next day he was occupied in of his fishing boat and tackle in packing up and sending to london by such of his little domestic possessions as he thought would be useful to him and in parting with the rest or them on mrs she was with him all day as i had a sorrowful wish to see the old place once more before it was locked up i engaged to meet them there in the evening but i so arranged it as that i should meet ham first it was easy to come in his way as i knew where he worked i met him at a retired part of the sands which i knew he would cross and turned back with him that he might have leisure to speak to me if he really wished i had not mistaken the expression of his face we had walked but a little way together when he said without looking at me r have you seen her only for a moment when she was in a i softly answered we walked a little farther and he said r shall you see her d ye think it would be too painful to her perhaps said i i have of that he replied so sir so but ham said i gently if there is anything that i could write to her for you i could not tell it if there is anything you would wish to make known to her through me i should consider it a sacred trust i am sure on t i sir most kind i think is something i could wish said or wrote what is it we walked a little farther in silence and then he spoke tan t that i forgive her tan t that so much tis more as i beg of her to forgive me for having pressed my affections upon her odd of david times i think that if i hadn t had her promise fur to marry me sir she was that of me in a friendly way that she d have told me what was struggling in her mind and would have with me and i might have saved her i pressed his hand is that all s yet a something else he returned if i can say it r we walked on farther than we had walked yet before he spoke again he was not crying when he made the pauses i shall express by lines he was merely collecting himself to speak very plainly i loved her and i love the ry of her too deep to be able to lead her to believe of my own self as i m a happy man i could only be happy by forgetting of her and i m i couldn t hardly bear as she should be told i done that but if you being so full of learning r could think of anything to say as might bring her to believe i wasn t greatly hurt still loving of her and mourning for her anything as might bring her to believe as i was not tired of my life nd yet was hoping fur to see her without blame the wicked cease troubling and the weary are at rest anything as would ease her sorrowful mind and yet not make her think as i could ever marry or as twas possible that any one could ever be to me what she was i should ask of you to say that with my prayers for her that was so dear i pressed his manly hand again and told him i would charge myself to do this as well as i could i sir he answered twas kind of you to meet me twas kind of you to bear him company down r i very well though my aunt will come to on afore they sail and they unite once more that i am not like to see him i fare to feel sure on t we t say so but so be and better so the last you see on him the very last will you give him the duty and thanks of the orphan as he was ever more than a father to this i also promised faithfully i again sir he said heartily shaking hands i know you re a going good bye with a slight wave of his hand as though to explain to me that he could not enter the old place he turned away as i looked after his figure crossing the waste in the moonlight i saw him turn his face towards a strip of silvery light upon the sea and pass on looking at it until he was a shadow in the distance the door of the boat house stood open when i approached and on entering i found it emptied of all its furniture saving one of the old on which mrs with a basket on her knee was seated looking at mr he leaned his elbow on the rough chimney piece and gazed upon a few embers in the grate but he raised his head on my coming in and spoke in a cheery manner come according to promise to bid farewell to
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as soon as i ou please madam returned mr i trust you will shortly witness an mr i have your permission i believe to mention here that we have been in communication together it is undoubtedly the fact said to whom i looked in surprise mr has consulted me in reference to what he has in contemplation and i have advised him to the best of my judgment unless i deceive myself mr pursued mr what i contemplate is a disclosure of an important nature highly so said perhaps under such circumstances madam and gentlemen said mr you will do me the favor to submit yourselves for the moment to the direction of one who however unworthy to be regarded in any other light but as a and stray upon the shore of human nature is still your fellow man though crushed out of his original form by individual errors and the force of a combination of circumstances we have perfect confidence in you mr said i and will do what you please mr returned mr your confidence is not at the existing juncture ill bestowed i would beg to be allowed a start of five minutes by the clock and then to receive the present company inquiring for miss at the office of and whose i am my aunt and i looked at who nodded his approval i have no more observed mr to say at present with which to my infinite surprise he included us all in a comprehensive bow and disappeared his manner being extremely distant and his face extremely pale only smiled and shook his head with his hair standing upright on the top of it when i looked to him for an explanation so i took out my watch and as a last resource counted off the five the personal history and experience minutes my aunt with her own watch in her hand did the like when the time was expired gave her his arm and we all went out together to the old house without saying one word on the way we found mr at his desk in the office on the ground floor either writing or pretending to write hard the large office ruler was stuck into his waistcoat and was not so well concealed but that a foot or more of that instrument from his bosom like a new kind of shirt as it appeared to me that i was expected to speak i said aloud how do you do mr mr said mr gravely i hope i see you well is miss at home said i mr is ni bed sir of a fever he returned but miss i have no doubt will be happy to see old friends will you walk in sir he preceded us to the dining room the first room i had entered in that house and flinging open the door of mr s former office said in a voice miss mr david mr thomas and mr i had not seen since the time of the blow our visit astonished him evidently not the less i dare say because it astonished ourselves he did not gather his eyebrows together for he had none worth mentioning but he frowned to that degree that he almost closed his small eyes while the hurried raising of his hand to his chin betrayed some or surprise this was only when we were in the act of entering his room and when i caught a glance at him over my aunt s shoulder a moment afterwards he was as and as humble as ever well i am sure he said this is indeed an unexpected pleasure to have as i may say all friends round saint paul s at once is a treat unlocked for mr i hope i see you well and if i may express self so friendly towards them as is ever your friends whether or not mrs sir i hope she s getting on we have been made quite uneasy by the poor accounts we have had of her state lately i do assure you i felt ashamed to let him take my hand but i did not know yet what else to do things are changed in this office miss since i was a clerk and held your pony ain t they said with his smile but am not changed miss well sir returned my aunt to tell you the truth i think you are pretty constant to the promise of your youth if that s any satisfaction to you thank you miss said in his manner for your good opinion tell em to let miss know and mother will be quite in a state when she sees the present company said setting chairs tou are not busy mr said whose eye the cunning red eye accidentally caught as it at once and us no mr replied his official seat and his bony hands laid palm to palm between his bony knees david not so so as i could but lawyers and are not easily satisfied you know not but what myself and have our hands pretty full in general on account of mr s being hardly fit for any occupation sir but it s a pleasure as well as a duty i am sure to work for you ve not been intimate with mr i think mr i believe i ve only had the honor of seeing you once myself no i have not been intimate with mr returned or i might perhaps have waited on you long ago mr there was something in the tone of this reply which made look at the speaker again with a very sinister and suspicious expression but seeing only with his good natured face simple manner and hair on end he dismissed it as he with a jerk of his whole but especially his throat i am sorry for that mr you would
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have admired him as much as we all do his little would only have him to you the more but if you would like to hear my fellow partner spoken of i should refer you to the family is a subject he s very strong upon if you never heard him i was prevented from the compliment if i should have done so in any case by the entrance of now ushered in by mr she was not quite so self possessed as usual i thought and had evidently undergone anxiety and fatigue but her earnest cordiality and her quiet beauty shone with the lustre for it i saw watch her while she greeted us and he reminded me of an ugly and rebellious watching a good spirit in the meanwhile some slight sign passed between mr and and unobserved except by me went out don t wait said mr with his hand upon the ruler in his breast stood erect before the door most contemplating one of his fellow men and that man his employer what are you waiting for said did you hear me tell you not to wait yes replied the immovable mr then why do you wait said because i in short choose replied mr with a burst s cheeks lost colour and an still faintly tinged by his red them he looked at mr attentively with his whole face breathing short and quick in every feature you are a dissipated fellow as all the world knows he said with an effort at a smile and i am afraid you oblige me to get rid of you go along i talk to you presently if there is a scoundrel on this earth said mr suddenly breaking out again with the utmost vehemence with whom i have already talked too much that scoundrel s name is fell back as if he had been struck or stung looking slowly round upon us with the darkest and expression that his face could wear he said in a lower voice this is a conspiracy i you have met here by appointment you are playing with my clerk are you now take m m the personal and experience care you make nothing of this we understand each other you and me there s no love between us you were always a with a proud stomach from your first coming here and you envy me my rise do you none of your plots against me i you you be off i talk to you presently mr said i there is a sudden change in this fellow in more respects than the extraordinary one of his speaking the truth in one particular which me that he is brought to bay deal with him as he deserves you are a precious set of people ain t you said in the same low voice and breaking out into a heat which he wiped from his forehead with his long lean hand to buy over my clerk who is the very of society as you yourself were you know it before anyone had charity on you to me with his lies miss you had better stop this or i stop your husband shorter than will be pleasant to you i won t know your story for nothing old lady miss if you have any love for your father you had better not join that gang i ruin him if you do now come i have got some of you under the think twice before it goes over you think twice you if you don t want to be crushed i recommend you to take yourself and be talked to presently you fool while there s time to retreat where s mother he said suddenly appearing to notice with alarm the absence of and pulling down the bell rope fine doings in a person s own house mrs is here sir said returning with that worthy mother of a worthy son i have taken the liberty of making myself known to her who are you to make yourself known retorted and what do you want here i am the agent and friend of mr sir said in a composed business like way and i have a power of attorney from him in my pocket to act for him in all matters the old ass has drunk himself into a state of said turning than before and it has been got from him by fraud something has been got from him by fraud i know returned quietly and so do you mr we will refer that question if you please to mr mrs began with an anxious gesture you hold your tongue mother he returned j least said mended but my will you hold your tongue mother and leave it to me though i had long known that his was false and all liis and hollow i had had no adequate conception of the extent of his until i now saw him with his mask the suddenness with which he dropped it when he perceived that it was useless to him the malice insolence and hatred he revealed the with which he even at this moment in the evil he had done all this time being desperate too and at his wits end for the means of getting the better of us though perfectly consistent with tlie of david i had of him at first took even me by surprise who had known him so long and him so heartily i say nothing of the look he conferred on me as he stood us one after another for i had always understood that he hated me and i remembered the marks of my hand upon his cheek but when his eyes passed on to and i saw the rage with which he felt his power over her slipping away and the exhibition in their disappointment of the odious passions that had
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led him to to one whose virtues he could never appreciate or care for i was shocked by the mere thought of her having lived an hour within sight of such a man after some rubbing of the lower part of his face and some looking at us with those bad eyes over his fingers he made one more address to me half and half you think it do you you who pride yourself so much on your honor and all the rest of it to about my place dropping with my clerk if it had been me i shouldn t have wondered for i don t make myself out a gentleman though i never was in the streets either as you were according to but being j om and you re not afraid of doing this either you don t think at all of what i shall do in return or of getting yourself into trouble for conspiracy and so forth very well we shall see mr what s your name you were going to refer some question to there s your why don t you make him speak he has learnt his lesson see seeing that what he said had no effect on me or any of us he sat on the edge of his table with his hands in his pockets and one of his feet twisted round the other leg waiting for what might follow mr whose i had restrained thus far with the greatest difficulty and who had repeatedly interposed with the first syllable of without getting to the second now burst forward drew the ruler from his breast apparently as a weapon and produced from his pocket a document folded in the form of a large letter opening this packet with his old flourish and glancing at the contents as if he cherished an artistic admiration of their style of composition he began to read as follows dear miss trot wood and gentlemen bless and save the man exclaimed my aunt in a low voice he d write letters by the if it was a capital offence mr without hearing her went on in appearing before you to probably the most villain that has ever existed mr without looking off the letter pointed the ruler like a ghostly at i ask no consideration for myself the victim from my cradle of pecuniary to i have been unable to respond i have ever been the sport and toy of circumstances want despair and madness have or separately been the attendants of my career the relish with which mr described himself as a prey to these dismal was only to be equalled by the emphasis with which he read his letter and the kind of homage he rendered to it with a roll of his head when he thought he had hit a sentence very hard indeed in an of want despair and madness i entered the office or as our lively neighbour the would term it m m bs h the personal history and experience the of the firm conducted under the of and but in reality by alone and only is the of that machine and only is the and the cheat more blue than white at these words made a dart at the as if to tear it in pieces mr with a perfect miracle of dexterity or luck caught his advancing with the ruler and his right hand it dropped at the wrist as if it were broken the blow sounded as if it had fallen on wood the devil take you said in a new way with pain i be even with you approach me again you you you of gasped mr and if your head is human i break it come on come on i think i never saw anything more ridiculous i was sensible of it even at the time than mr making broad sword guards with the ruler and crying come on while and i pushed him back into a corner from which as often as we got him into it he persisted in emerging again his enemy muttering to himself after wringing his wounded hand for some time slowly drew off his neck and bound it up then held it in his other hand and sat upon his table with his sullen face looking down mr when he was sufficiently cool proceeded with his letter the in consideration of which i entered into the service of always pausing before that word and uttering it with astonishing vigor were not defined beyond the of shillings and six per week the rest was left on the value of my professional exertions in other and more expressive words on the of my nature the of my motives the poverty of my family the general moral or rather resemblance between myself and need i say that it soon became necessary for me to from pecuniary advances towards the support of mrs and our but rising family need i say that this necessity had been foreseen by that those advances were secured by i o u s and other similar known to the legal institutions of this country and that i thus became in the web he had spun for my reception mr s enjoyment of his powers in describing this unfortunate state of things really seemed to any pain or anxiety that the reality could have caused him he read on then it was that began to favor me with just so much of his confidence as was necessary to the discharge of his infernal business then it was that began if i may so express myself to peak and ine i found that my services were constantly called into for the of business and the of an individual whom i will as mr w that mr w was imposed upon kept in ignorance and
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to some discoveries and to the s power over the w family as i the assume unless the filial affection of his daughter could be secretly influenced from allowing any investigation of the affairs to be ever made the said deemed it expedient to have a bond ready by him as from mr w for the before mentioned sum of twelve six fourteen two and nine with interest stated therein to have been advanced by to mr w to save mr w from though really the sum was never advanced by him and has long been replaced the to this instrument to be executed by mr w and by are by i have in my possession in his i of david hand and pocket book several similar of mr w s signature here and there by fire but to any one i never any such document and i have the document itself in my possession with a start took out of his pocket a bunch of keys and opened a certain drawer then suddenly himself of what he was about and turned again towards us without looking in it and i have the document mr read again looking about as if it were the text of a sermon in my possession that is to say i had early this morning when this was written but have since it to mr it is quite true assented cried the mother be and make terms i know my son will be gentlemen if you give him time to think mr i m sure you know that he was always very sir it was singular to see how the mother still held to the old trick when the son had abandoned it as useless mother he said with an impatient bite at the handkerchief in which his hand was wrapped you had better take and fire a loaded gun at me but i love you cried mrs and i have no doubt she did or that he loved her however strange it may appear though to be sure they were a congenial couple and i can t bear to hear you provoking the gentlemen and of yourself more i told the gentleman at first when he told me up stairs it was come to light that i would answer for your being and making amends oh see how i am gentlemen and don t mind him why there s mother he angrily retorted pointing his lean finger at me against whom all his was as the prime in the discovery and i did not him there s would have given you a hundred pound to say less than you ve out i can t help it cried his mother i can t see you running into danger through carrying your head so high better be as you always was he remained for a little biting the handkerchief and then said to me with a what more have you got to bring forward if anything go on with it what do you look at me for mr promptly resumed his letter only too glad to to a performance with which he was so highly satisfied third and last i am now in a condition to show by s false books and s real beginning with the partially destroyed pocket book which i was unable to comprehend at the time of its accidental discovery by mrs on our taking possession of our present abode in the or devoted to the reception of the ashes on our domestic hearth that the weaknesses the faults the very virtues the parental affections and the sense of honor of the unhappy mr w have been for years acted on by and to the base purposes of that mr w has been for years and in every conceivable manner to the pecuniary of the false and grasping that the object of was next to gain to subdue mr and miss w of his views in reference the personal history and experience to the latter i say nothing entirely to himself that his last act completed but a few months since was to induce mr w to execute a of his share in the and even a bill of sale on the very furniture of his house in consideration of a certain to be well and truly paid by on the four common quarter days in each and every year that these beginning with alarming and accounts of the estate of which mr w is the at a period when mr w had launched into and ill judged speculations and may not have had the money for which he was morally and responsible in hand going on with pretended of money at enormous interest really coming from and by obtained or withheld from mr w himself on pretence of such speculations or otherwise by a miscellaneous catalogue of gradually until the unhappy mr w could see no world beyond as he believed alike in circumstances in all other hope and in honor his sole reliance was upon the monster in the garb of man mr made a good deal of this as a new turn of expression who by making himself necessary to liim had achieved his destruction all this i undertake to show probably much more i whispered a few words to who was half joyfully half sorrowfully at my side and there was a movement among us as if mr had finished he said with exceeding gravity pardon me and proceeded with a mixture of the lowest spirits and the most intense enjoyment to the of his letter i have now concluded it merely remains for me to these and then with my ill family to disappear from the landscape on which we appear to be an that is soon done it may be
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reasonably inferred that our baby will first of as being the member of our circle and that our will follow next in order so be it for myself my pilgrimage has done much imprisonment on civil process and want will soon do more i trust that the labor and hazard of an investigation of which the smallest results have been slowly together in the pressure of under grinding apprehensions at rise of at eve in the shadows of night under the watchful eye of one whom it superfluous to call demon combined with the struggle of parental poverty to turn it when completed to the right account may be as the of a few drops of sweet water on my i ask no more let it be in justice merely said of me as of a gallant and eminent naval hero with whom i have no pretensions to cope that what i have done i did in despite of and selfish objects for england home and beauty always c sec much but still intensely enjoying himself ir folded up his letter and handed it with a bow to my aunt as something she might like to keep there was as i had noticed on my first visit long ago an iron safe in the room the key was in it a hasty suspicion seemed to strike of david and witli a glance at mr lie went to it and threw the doors open it was empty where are the books he cried with a frightful face some thief has stolen the books mr tapped himself with the ruler did when i got the key from you as usual but a little earlier and opened it this morning don t be uneasy said they have come into my possession i will take care of them under the authority i mentioned you receive stolen goods do you cried under such circumstances answered yes what was my astonishment when i beheld my aunt who had been profoundly quiet and attentive make a dart at and seize him by the collar with both hands you know what want said my aunt a strait waistcoat said he no my property returned my aunt my dear as long as i believed it had been really made away with by your father i wouldn t and my dear i didn t even to trot as he knows breathe a syllable of its having been placed here for but now i know this fellow s for it and i have it trot come and take it away from him whether my aunt supposed for the moment that he kept her property in his neck i am sure i don t know but she certainly pulled at it as if she thought so i hastened to put myself between them and to assure her that ave would all take care that he should make the utmost of everything he had got this and a few moments reflection her but she was not at all disconcerted by what she had done though i cannot say as much for her bonnet and resumed her seat during the last few minutes mrs had been to her son to be and had been going down on her knees to all of us in succession and making the wildest promises her son sat her down in his chair and standing by her holding her arm with his hand but not rudely said to me with a ferocious look what do you want done i will tell you what must be done said has that no tongue muttered i would do a good deal for you if you could tell me without lying that somebody had cut it out my means to be cried his mother don t mind what he says good gentlemen what must be done said is this first the deed of that we have heard of must be given over to me now here suppose i haven t got it he interrupted but you have said therefore you know we won t suppose so and i cannot help that this was the first occasion on which i really did justice to the clear head and the plain patient practical good sense of my old then said you must prepare to all that your has become possessed of and to make restoration to the last all the books and papers must remain in our possession all your books and papers all money accounts and of both kinds in short everything here the personal history and experience must it i don t know that said i must have time to think about that certainly replied but in the meanwhile and until everything is done to our satisfaction we shall maintain possession of these things and beg you in short compel you to keep your own room and hold no communication with any one i won t do it said with an oath jail is a safer place of observed and though the law may be longer in us and may not be able to right us so completely as you can there is no doubt of its you dear me you know that quite as well as i will you go round to the and bring a couple of officers here mrs broke out again crying on her knees to to interfere in their behalf exclaiming that he was very humble and it was all true and if he didn t do what we wanted she would and much more to the same purpose being half frantic with fears for her darling to inquire what he might have done if he had had any boldness would be like ing what a cur might do if it had the spirit of a tiger he was a coward from head to foot and showed his nature through his and mortification as much as at any time
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rather than in sacred but he means well said mrs tenderly i dare say my love rejoined mr that he means particularly well but i have not yet found that he can out his meaning in any given direction whatsoever master s of aspect returned upon him again and he demanded with some temper what he was to do whether he had been born a carpenter or a coach painter any more than he had been born a bird whether he could go into the next street and open a s shop whether he could rush to the next and proclaim himself a lawyer he could come out by force at the opera and succeed by violence whether h could do anything without being brought up to something my aunt a little while and then said mr i wonder you have never turned your thoughts to madam returned mr it was the dream of my youth and the of my years i am thoroughly persuaded by the bye that he had never thought of it in his life aye said my with a glance at me why what a thing it would be for yourselves and your family mr and mrs if you were to now capital madam capital urged mr gloomily that is the principal i may say the only difficulty my dear mr assented his wife capital cried my aunt but you are doing us a great service have done us a great service i may say for surely much will come out of the fire and what could we do for you that would be half so good as to find the capital i could not receive it as a gift said mr full of fire and animation but if a sufficient sum could be advanced say at five per cent interest per upon my personal say my notes of hand at twelve eighteen and twenty four months to allow time for something to turn up could be can be and shall be on your own terms returned my aunt if you say the word think of this now both of you here are some people david knows going out to shortly if you decide to go why shouldn t you go in the same ship you may help each other think of this now mr and mrs take your time and weigh it well there is but one question my dear ma am i could wish to ask said mrs the climate i believe is healthy finest in the world said my aunt op david just so returned mrs then my question arises now are the circumstances of the country such that a man of mr s abilities would have a fair chance of rising in the social scale i will not say at present might he to be governor or anything of that sort but would there be a reasonable opening for his talents to develop themselves that would be amply sufficient and find their own no better opening anywhere said my aunt for a man who himself well and is industrious for a man who himself well repeated mrs with her business manner and is industrious precisely it is evident to me that is the legitimate sphere of action for mr i entertain the conviction my dear madam said mr that it is under existing circumstances the land the only land for myself and family and that something of an extraordinary nature will turn up on that shore it is no distance comparatively speaking and though consideration is due to the kindness of your proposal i assure you that is a mere matter of form shall i ever forget how in a moment he was the most sanguine of men looking on to fortune or how mrs presently about the habits of the shall i ever recall that street of on a market day without recalling him as he walked back with us expressing in the hardy manner he assumed the unsettled habits of a temporary in the land and looking at the as they came by with the eye of an farmer another i must pause yet once again o my child wife there is a figure in the moving crowd before my memory quiet and still saying in its innocent love and childish beauty stop to think of me turn to look upon the little blossom as it to the ground i do all else grows dim and away i am again with in our cottage i do not know how long she has been ill i am so used to it in feeling that i cannot count the time it is not really long in weeks or months but in my usage and experience it is a weary weary while they have left off telling me to wait a few days more i have begun to fear that the day may never shine when i shall see my running in the sunlight with her old friend he is as it were suddenly grown very old it may be that he in his mistress something that him and made him younger but he and his sight is weak and his limbs are feeble and my aunt is sorry that he objects to her no more but near her as he lies on s bed she sitting at the bedside and mildly her hand lies smiling on us and is beautiful and no hasty or complaining word she says that we are very good to her that her dear old careful boy is himself out she knows that my aunt has no sleep yet is always active and kind sometimes the little bird like the personal history and experience ladies come to see her and then we talk about our wedding day and all that happy time what a strange rest and pause in my life there seems to be and in au
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life within doors and without when i sit in the quiet shaded orderly room with the blue eyes of my child wife turned towards me and her little fingers round my hand many and many an hour i sit thus but of all those times three times come the on my mind it is morning and made so trim by my aunt s hands me how her pretty hair will curl upon the pillow yet and how long and bright it is and how she likes to have it loosely gathered in that net she wears not that i am vain of it now you mocking boy she says when i smile but because you used to say you thought it so beautiful and because when i first began to think about you i used to peep in the glass and wonder whether you would like very much to have a lock of it oh what a foolish fellow you were when i gave you one that was on the day when you were painting the flowers i had given you and when i told you how much in love i was ah but i didn t like to tell says then how i had cried over them because i believed you really liked me when i can run about again as i used to do let us go and see those places where we were such a silly couple shall we and take some of the old walks and not forget poor papa yes we will and have some happy days so you must make haste to get well my dear oh i shall soon do that i am so much better you don t know it is evening and i sit in the same chair by the same bed with the same face turned towards me we have been silent and there is a smile upon her face i have ceased to carry my light burden up and down stairs now she lies here all the day my dear you won t think what i am going to say unreasonable after what you told me such a little while ago of mr s not being well i want to see very much i want to see her i will write to her my dear wiu you directly what a good kind boy take me on your arm indeed my dear it s not a whim it s not a foolish fancy i want very much indeed to see her i am certain of it i have only to tell her so and she is sure to come you are very lonely when you go down s now whispers with her arm about my neck how can i be otherwise my own love when i see your empty chair p my empty chair she to me for a little while in silence and you really miss me looking up and brightly smiling even poor giddy stupid me my heart who is there upon earth that i could miss so much p oh husband i am so glad yet so sorry creeping closer to me of david and folding me in both her arms she laughs and sobs and then is quiet and quite happy quite she says only give my dear love and tell her that i want very very much to see her and i have nothing left to wish for except to get well again ah sometimes i think you know i always was a silly little thing that that will never be don t say so dearest love don t think so i won t if i can help it but i am very happy though my dear boy is so lonely by himself before his child wife s empty chair it is night and i am with her still has arrived has been among us for a whole day and an evening she my aunt and i have sat with since the morning all together we have not talked much but has been perfectly contented and cheerful we are now alone do i know now that my child wife will soon leave me they have told me so they have told me nothing new to my thoughts but i am far from sure that i have taken that truth to heart i cannot master it i have withdrawn by myself many times to day to weep i have remembered who wept for a parting between the living and the dead i have me of au that gracious and compassionate history i have tried to resign myself and to console myself and that i hope i may have done imperfectly but what i cannot firmly settle in my mind is that the end will absolutely come i hold her hand in mine i hold her heart in mine i see her love for me alive in all its strength i cannot shut out a pale lingering shadow of belief that she will be spared i am going to speak to you i am going to say something i have often thought of saying lately you won t mind with a gentle look mind my darling because i don t know what you will think or what you may have thought sometimes perhaps you have often thought the same dear i am afraid i was too young i lay my face upon the pillow by her and she looks into my eyes and speaks very softly gradually as she goes on i feel with a stricken heart that she is speaking of herself as past i am afraid dear i was too young i don t mean in years only but in experience and thoughts and everything i was such a silly little creature i am afraid it would have been better if we had only loved each other as a boy and girl and forgotten it i have begun to think i
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was not fit to be a wife i try to stay my tears and to reply oh love as fit as i to be a husband i don t know with the old shake of her curls perhaps but if i had been more fit to be married i might have made you more so too besides you are very clever and i never was we have been very happy my sweet i was very happy very but as years went on my dear boy would have wearied of his child wife she would have been less and less a companion for him he would have been more and more sensible of what was wanting in his home she wouldn t have improved it is better as it is the personal history and experience oh dearest dearest do not speak to me so every seems a no not a syllable she answers kissing me oh my dear you never deserved it and i loved you far too well to say a word to you in earnest it was all the merit i had except being pretty or you thought me so is it lonely down stairs very very don t cry is my chair there in its old place oh how my poor boy cries hush hush now make me one promise i want to speak to when you go down stairs tell so and send her up to me and while i speak to her let no one come not even aunt i want to speak to by herself i want to speak to quite alone i promise that she shall immediately but i cannot leave her for my grief i said that it was better as it is she whispers as she holds me in her arms oh after more years you never could have loved your child wife better than you do and after more years she would so have tried and disappointed you that you might not have been able to love her half so well i know i was too young and foolish it is much better as it is is down stairs when i go into the parlor and i give her the message she leaving me alone with his chinese house is by the fire and he lies within it on his bed of flannel trying to sleep the bright moon is high and clear as i look out on the night my tears fall fast and my heart is heavily heavily i sit down by the fire thinking with a blind remorse of all those secret feelings i have nourished since my marriage i think of every little trifle between me and and feel the truth that trifles make the sum of life ever rising from the sea of my remembrance is the image of the dear child as i knew her first by my young love and by her own with every fascination wherein such love is rich would it indeed have been better if we had loved each other as a boy and girl and forgotten it heart reply how the time wears i know not until i am recalled by my child wife s old companion more restless than he was he out of his house and looks at me and to the door and w to go up s not to night not to night he comes very slowly back to me my hand and his dim eyes to my face it may be never again he lies down at my feet stretches himself out as if to sleep and with a plaintive cry is dead look look here that face so full of pity and of grief that rain of tears that awful mute appeal to me that solemn hand towards heaven it is over darkness comes before my eyes and for a time all things are blotted out of my remembrance f y l of david mr s transactions this is not tlie time at which i am to enter on the state of my mind beneath its load of sorrow i came to think that the future was walled up before me that the energy and action of my life were at an end that i never could find any refuge but in the grave i came to think so i say but not in the first shock of my grief it slowly grew to that if the events i go on to relate had not around me in the beginning to and in the end to my affliction it is possible though i think not probable that i might have fallen at once into this condition as it was an interval occurred before i fully knew my own distress an interval in which i even supposed that its pangs were past and when my mind could soothe itself by resting on all that was most innocent and beautiful in the tender story that was closed for ever when it was first proposed that i should go abroad or how it came to be agreed among us that i was to seek the restoration of my peace in change and travel i do not even now distinctly know the spirit of so pervaded all we thought and said and did in that time of sorrow that i assume i may refer the project to her influence but her influence was so quiet that i know no more and now indeed i began to think that in my old association of her with the stained glass window in the church a prophetic of what she would be to me in the calamity that was to happen in the of time had found a way into my mind in all that sorrow from the moment never to be forgotten when she stood before me with her hand she was like a sacred presence in my lonely house when the angel of death
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alighted there my child wife fell asleep they told me so when i could bear to hear it on her bosom with a smile my i first awoke to a consciousness of her compassionate tears her words of hope and peace her gentle face bending down as from a purer region nearer heaven over my heart and softening its pain let me go on i was to go abroad that seemed to have been determined among us from the first the ground now covering au that could perish of my departed wife i waited only for what mr called the final of and for the departure of the at the request of most affectionate and devoted of friends in my trouble we returned to i mean my aunt and i we proceeded by appointment straight to mr s house where and at mr s my friend had been ever since our meeting when poor mrs saw me come in in my black clothes she was sensibly affected there was a great deal of good in n n k the personal history and experience mrs s heart which had not been out of it in all those many years well mr and mrs was my aunt s first salutation after we were seated pray have you thought about that proposal of mine my dear madam returned mr perhaps i cannot better express the conclusion at which mrs your humble servant and i may add our children have and arrived than by the language of an illustrious poet to reply that our boat is on the shore and our bark is on the sea that s right said my aunt i all sorts of good from your sensible decision madam you do us a great deal of honor he rejoined he then referred to a with respect to the pecuniary assistance us to our frail on the ocean of enterprise i have that important business point and would beg to propose my notes of hand drawn it is needless to on of the required by the various acts of parliament applying to such at eighteen twenty four and thirty months the proposition i originally submitted was twelve eighteen and twenty four but i am apprehensive that such an arrangement might not allow sufficient time for the requisite amount of something to turn up we might not said mr looking round the room as if it represented several hundred acres of highly cultivated land on the first becoming due have been successful in our harvest or we might not have got our harvest in labor i believe is sometimes difficult to obtain in that portion of our possessions where it will be our lot to combat with the soil arrange it in any way you please sir said my aunt madam he replied mrs and myself are deeply sensible of the veiy considerate kindness of our friends and what i wish is to be perfectly business like and perfectly punctual turning over as we are about to turn over an entirely new leaf and falling back as we are now in the act of falling back for a spring of no common magnitude it important to my sense of self respect besides being an example to my son that q should be concluded as between man and man i don t know that mr attached any meaning to this last phrase i don t know that anybody ever does or did but he appeared to it uncommonly and repeated with an impressive cough as between man and man i propose said mr a convenience to the for which i believe we are originally indebted to the jews who appear to me to have had a devilish deal too much to do with them ever since because they are but if a bond or any other description of security would be preferred i should be happy to execute any such instrument as between man and man my aunt observed that in a case where both parties were willing to agree to anything she took it for granted there would be no difficulty in settling this point mr was of her opinion of david in reference to our domestic preparations madam said mr with some pride for meeting the destiny to which we are now understood to be devoted i beg to report them my eldest daughter at five every morning in a neighbouring establishment to acquire the process if process it may be called of cows my younger children are instructed to observe as closely as circumstances will permit the habits of the pigs and poultry maintained in the poorer ts of this city a pursuit from which they have on two occasions been brought home within an inch of being run over i have myself directed some attention during the past week to the art of and my son has issued forth with a walking stick and cattle when permitted by the rugged who had them in charge to render any voluntary service in that direction which i regret to say for the credit of our nature was not often he being generally warned with to all very right indeed said my aunt mrs has been busy too i have no doubt my dear madam returned mrs with her business like air i am free to confess that i have not been engaged in pursuits immediately connected cultivation or with stock though well aware that both will claim my attention on a foreign shore such opportunities as i have been enabled to from my domestic duties i have devoted to corresponding at some length my family for i own it seems to me my dear mr said mrs who always fell back on me i suppose from old habit to else she might address her discourse at starting that the time is come when the past should be buried in oblivion when
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my family should take mr by the hand and mr should take my family by the hand when the lion should lie down with the lamb and my family be on terms with mr i said i thought so too this at least is the light my dear mr pursued mrs in which view the subject when i lived at home with my papa and my papa was accustomed to ask when any point was under discussion in our limited circle in what light does my view the subject that my papa was too partial i know till on such a point as the coldness which has ever between mi and my family i necessarily formed an opinion though it may be no doubt of course you have ma am said my aunt precisely so assented mrs now i may be wrong in my conclusions it is very likely that i am but my individual impression is that the gulf between my family and mr may be traced to an apprehension on the part of my family that mr would require pecuniary accommodation i cannot help thinking said mrs with an air of deep sagacity that there are members of my family who have been apprehensive that mr would them for their names i do not mean to be conferred in upon our children but to be inscribed on bills of exchange and in the money market n n the personal history and experience the look of penetration with which mrs announced this discovery as if no one had ever thought of it before seemed rather to astonish my aunt who abruptly replied well ma am upon the whole i shouldn t wonder if you were right mr being now on the eve of casting off the pecuniary that have so long liim said and of a new career in a country where there is sufficient range for bis abilities which in my opinion is exceedingly important mr s abilities peculiarly requiring space it seems to me that my family should the occasion by coming forward what i could wish to see would be a meeting between and my family at a entertainment to be given at my family s where mr s health and prosperity being proposed by some leading member of my family mr might have an opportunity of developing his views my dear said mr with some heat it may be better for me to state distinctly at once that if i were to develop my views to that assembled group they would possibly be found of an offensive nature my impression being that your family are in the impertinent and in detail said mrs shaking her head no you have never understood them and they have never understood you mr they have never understood you said his wife they may be incapable of it if so that is their misfortune i can pity their misfortune i am extremely sorry my dear said mr to have been betrayed into any expressions that might even have the appearance of being strong expressions all i would say is that i can go abroad without your family coming forward to favor me in short with a parting of cold shoulders and that upon the whole i would rather leave england with such as i possess than derive any of it from that quarter at the same time my dear if they should condescend to reply to your communications which our joint experience renders most improbable far be it from me to be a barrier to your wishes the matter being thus settled mr gave his arm and glancing at the heap of books and papers lying before on the table said they would leave us to ourselves which they did my dear said leaning back in his chair when they were gone and looking at me with an affection that made his eyes red and his hair all kinds of shapes i don t make any excuse for troubling you with business because i know you are deeply interested in it and it may divert your thoughts my dear boy i hope you are not worn out i am quite myself said i after a pause we have more cause to think of my aunt than of any one you know how much she has done surely surely answered who can forget it op david but even that is not all said i during the last fortnight some new trouble has vexed her and she has been in and out of london every day several times she has gone out early and been absent until evening last night with this journey before her it was almost midnight before she came home you know what her consideration for others is she will not tell me what has happened to distress her my aunt very pale and with deep lines in her face sat immovable until i had finished when some stray tears found their way to her cheeks and she put her hand on mine it s nothing trot it s nothing there will be no more of it you shall know by and by now my dear let us attend to these affairs i must do mr the justice to say began that although he would appear not to have worked to any good account for himself he is a most man when he works for other people i never saw such a fellow if he always goes on in the same way he must be about two hundred years old at present the heat into which he has been continually putting himself and the distracted and impetuous manner in wliich he has been day and night among papers and books to say nothing of the immense number of letters he has written me between this house and mr s and often across the table when he has been sitting opposite and might
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much more easily have spoken is quite extraordinary letters cried my aunt i believe he dreams in letters there s mr dick too said has been doing wonders as soon as he was released from overlooking whom he kept in such charge as never saw exceeded he began to devote himself to mr and really his anxiety to be of use in the ive have been making and his real usefulness in and and and carrying have been quite to us dick is a very remarkable man exclaimed my aunt and i always said he was trot you know it i am happy to say miss pursued at once with great delicacy and with great that in your absence mr has considerably improved believed of the that had fastened upon him for so long a time and of the dreadful apprehensions under which he had lived he is hardly the same person at times even his ed power of his memory and attention on particular points of business has recovered itself very much and he has been able to assist us in making some things clear that we should have found very difficult indeed if not hopeless without him but what i have to do is to come to results which are short enough not to gossip on all the hopeful circumstances i have observed or i shall never have done his natural manner and agreeable simplicity made it transparent that he said this to put us in good heart and to enable to hear her father mentioned with greater confidence but it was not the less pleasant for that now let me see said looking among the papers on the table having counted our funds and reduced to order a great mass the personal history and experience of confusion in tlie first place and of wilful confusion and in the second we take it to be clear that mr might now wind up his business and his agency trust and exhibit no deficiency or whatever oh thank heaven cried fervently but said the that would be left as his means of support and suppose the house to be sold even in saying this would be so small not exceeding in all probability some hundreds of pounds that perhaps miss it would be best to consider whether he might not retain his agency of the estate to which he has so long been his friends might advise him you know now he is free you yourself miss i i have considered it ood said looking to me and i feel that it ought not to be and must not be even on the recommendation of a friend to whom i am so grateful and owe so much i will not say that i recommend it observed i think it right to suggest it no more i am happy to hear you say so answered steadily for it gives me hope almost assurance that we think alike dear mr and dear papa once free with honor what could i wish for i have always if i could have released him from the toils in which he was held to render back little portion of the love and care i owe him and to devote my life to him it has been for years the utmost height of my hopes to take our future on myself will be the next great happiness the next to his release from all trust and responsibility that i can know have you thought how often i am not afraid dear i am certain of success so many people know me here and think kindly of me that i am certain don t me our wants ai e not many if i rent the dear old house and keep a school i shall be useful and happy the calm of her cheerful voice brought back so vividly first the dear old house itself and then my solitary home that my heart was too full for speech pretended for a little while to be busily among the papers next miss said that property of yours well sir sighed my aunt all i have got to say about it is that if it s gone i can bear it and if it s not gone i shall be glad to get it back it was i think eight thousand pounds said right replied my aunt i can t account for more than five said with an air of perplexity thousand do you mean inquired my aunt with uncommon composure or pounds five thousand pounds said it was all there was returned my aunt i sold three myself one i paid for your articles trot my dear and the other two i have by me when i lost the rest i thought it wise to say nothing about that oi david sum but to keep it secretly for a rainy day i wanted to see how you would come out of the trial trot and you came out nobly self denying so did pick don t speak to me for i find my nerves a little shaken nobody would have thought so to see her sitting upright with her arms folded but she had wonderful self command then i am delighted to say cried beaming with joy that we have recovered the whole money don t congratulate me anybody exclaimed my aunt how so sir you believed it had been by mr said of course i did said my aunt and was therefore easily silenced not a word and indeed said it was sold by virtue of the power of management he held from you but i needn t say by whom sold or on whose actual signature it was afterwards pretended to mr by that rascal and proved too by es that he had possessed himself of the money on general instructions lie said to keep other and
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difficulties from the light mr being so weak and helpless in his hands as to pay you afterwards several sums of interest on a pretended principal which he knew did not exist made himself unhappily a party to the fraud and at last took the blame upon himself added my aunt and wrote me a mad letter himself with robbery and wrong unheard of upon which i paid him a visit early one morning called for a candle burnt the letter and told him if he ever could right me and himself to do it and if he couldn t to keep his own counsel for his daughter s sake if anybody speaks to me i leave the house w e all remained quiet covering her face well my dear friend said my aunt after a pause and you have really the money back from him why the fact is returned mr had so completely hemmed him in and was always ready with so many new points if an old one failed that he could not escape from us a most remarkable circumstance is that i really don t think he grasped this sum even so much for the gratification of his which was as in the hatred he felt for he said so to me plainly he said he would even have spent as much to or injure ha said my aunt knitting her brows thoughtfully and glancing at and what s become of him i don t know he left here said with his mother who had been and and the whole time they went away by one of the london night and i know no more about him except that his to me at parting was audacious he seemed to consider himself hardly less indebted to me than to mr which i consider as i told him quite a compliment do you suppose he has any money i asked oh dear yes i should think so he replied shaking his head the personal and seriously i should say lie must have a good deal in one way or other but i think you find if you had an opportunity of observing his course that money would never keep that man out of mischief he is such an that whatever object he he must pursue it s his only compensation for the outward he puts upon himself always creeping along the ground to some small end or other he will always every object in the way and consequently will hate and suspect every body that comes in the most innocent manner between him and it so the crooked courses will become at any moment for the least reason or for none it s only necessary to consider his history here said to know that he s a monster of meanness said my aunt really i don t know about that observed thoughtfully many people can be very mean when they give their minds to it and now touching mr said my aunt well really said cheerfully must once more give mr high praise but for his having been so patient and for so long a time we never could have hoped to do anything worth speaking of and i think we ought to consider that mr did right for right s sake when we reflect what terms he might have made with himself for his silence i think so too said i now what would you give him inquired my aunt oh before you come to that said a little disconcerted i am afraid i thought it discreet to omit not being able to carry everything before me two points in making this lawless for it s perfectly lawless from beginning to end of a difficult air those i u s and so forth which mr gave him for the advances he well they must be paid said my aunt yes but i don t know when they may be proceeded on or where they are rejoined opening his eyes and i anticipate that between this time and his departure mr will be constantly or taken in execution then he must be constantly set free again and taken out of execution said my aunt what s the amount altogether why mr has entered the transactions he calls them transactions with great form in a book rejoined smiling and he makes the amount a hundred and three pounds five now what shall we give him that sum included said my aunt my dear you and i can talk about division of it afterwards what should it be five hundred pounds upon this and i both struck in at once we both recommended a small sum in money and the payment without to mr of the claims as they came in we proposed that the family should have their passage and their and a hundred pounds and that mr s arrangement for the of the advances should be gravely entered into as it might be wholesome for him to suppose himself under that responsibility to this of david i added the that i should give some explanation of his character and history to mr who i knew could be relied on and that to mr should be quietly the discretion of advancing another hundred i further proposed to interest mr in mr by confiding so much of mr s story to him as i might feel justified in relating or might think expedient and to endeavour to bring each of them to bear upon the other for the common advantage we all entered warmly into these views and i may mention at once that the themselves did so shortly afterwards with perfect good will and harmony seeing that now glanced anxiously at my aunt again i reminded him of the second and last point to which he had you and your aunt will excuse me if i touch upon a painful theme as i greatly
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fear i shall said hesitating but i think it necessary to bring it to your recollection on the day of mr s memorable a threatening allusion was made by to your aunt s husband my aunt retaining her position and apparent composure assented with a nod perhaps observed it was mere impertinence no returned my aunt there was pardon me really such a person and at all in his power hinted yes my good friend said my aunt with a perceptible of his face explained that he had not been able to approach this subject that it had shared the fate of mr s in not being comprehended in the terms he had made that we were no longer of any authority with and that if he could do us or any of us any injury or annoyance no doubt he would my aunt remained quiet until again some stray tears found their way to her cheeks you are quite right she said it was very thoughtful to mention it can i or do anything asked gently nothing said my aunt i thank you many times trot my dear a vain threat let us have mr and mrs back and don t any of you speak to me with that she smoothed her dress and sat with her upright carriage looking at the door well mr and mrs said my aunt when they entered we have been discussing your with many apologies to you for keeping you out of the room so long and i tell you what arrangements we propose these she explained to the unbounded satisfaction of the family children and all being then present and so much to the awakening of mr s punctual habits in the opening stage of all bill transactions that he could not be from immediately rushing out in the highest spirits to buy the for his notes of hand but his joy received a sudden check for within five minutes he returned in the of a s officer informing us in a flood of tears that all was lost the personal and experience we being quite prepared for this event was of course a proceeding of s soon paid the money and in five minutes more mr was seated at the table filling up the with an expression of perfect joy which only that congenial employment or the making of punch could impart in full completeness to his shining face to see him at work on the with the relish of an artist touching them like pictures looking at them sideways taking notes of dates and in his pocket book and contemplating them when finished with a high sense of their precious value was a sight indeed now the best thing you can do sir if you allow me to advise you said my aunt after silently observing him is to that occupation for madam replied mr it is my intention to register such a vow on the virgin page of the future mrs will it i trust said mr solemnly that my son will ever bear in mind that he had infinitely better put his fist in the fire than use it to handle the that have poisoned the life blood of his unhappy parent deeply affected and changed in a moment to the image of despair mr regarded the with a look of gloomy in which his late admiration of them was not quite subdued folded them up and put them in his pocket this closed the proceedings of the evening we were weary with sorrow and fatigue and my aunt and i were to return to london on the morrow it was arranged that the should follow us after a sale of their goods to a that mr s aft s should be brought to a settlement with all convenient speed under the direction of and that should also come to london those arrangements we passed the night at the old house which freed from the presence of the seemed of a disease and i lay in my old room like a wanderer come home we went back next day to my aunt s house not to mine and when she and i sat alone as of old before going to bed she said trot do you really wish to know what i have had upon my mind lately indeed i do aunt if there ever was a time when i felt unwilling that you should have a sorrow or anxiety which i could not share it is now you have had sorrow enough child said my aunt affectionately without the addition of my little miseries i could have no other motive trot in keeping anything from you i know that well said i but tell me now would you ride with me a little way to morrow morning asked my aunt of course at nine said she i tell you then my dear at nine accordingly we went out in a little chariot and drove to london we drove a long way through the streets until we came to one of the large standing hard by the building was a plain of david the driver my aunt and in obedience to a motion of her hand at the window drove slowly off we you understand it now trot said my aunt he is gone did lie die in tlie hospital yes she sat immovable beside me but again i saw the stray tears on her face he was there once before said my aunt presently he was a long time a shattered broken man these many years when he knew his state in this last illness he asked them to send for me he was then very sorry you went i know aunt i went i was with him a good deal afterwards he died the night before we went to said i my aunt nodded no one can
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harm him now she said it was a vain threat we drove away out of town to the churchyard at better here than in the streets said my aunt he was born here we alighted and followed the plain coffin to a corner i remember well where the service was read it to tlie dust six and thirty years ago tliis day my dear said my aunt as we walked back to the chariot i was married god forgive us all we took our seats in silence and so she sat beside m e for a long holding my hand at length she suddenly burst into tears and said he was a fine looking man when i married him trot and he was sadly changed it did not last long after the relief of tears she soon became composed and even cheerful her nerves were a little shaken she said or she w ould not have given way to it god forgive us all so we rode back to her little cottage at high gate where we found the following short note which liad arrived by that morning s post from mr friday my dear madam and the fair land of promise lately on the horizon is again enveloped in impenetrable mists and for ever withdrawn from the eyes of a drifting whose doom is sealed another writ has been issued in his majesty s high court of king s bench at westminster in another cause of v and the in that cause is the prey of the having legal in this now s the day aud now s the see the front of battle lower see approach proud edward s power chains and slavery consigned to which and to a speedy end for mental torture is not i beyond a certain point and that point i feel i have attained my course is run bless you bless you some future traveller visiting the and experience from motives of curiosity not let us hope with sympathy the place of confinement allotted to in this city may and i trust will as he traces on its wall inscribed with a rusty nail the obscure w m p s i re open this to say that our common friend mr thomas who has not yet left us and is looking extremely well has paid the debt and costs in the noble name of miss and that myself and family are at the height of earthly bliss chapter ly tempest i now approach an event in my life so so awful so bound by an infinite variety of ties to all that has preceded it in these pages that from the beginning of my narrative i have seen it growing larger and larger as i advanced like a great tower in a plain and throwing its fore cast shadow even on the incidents of my childish days for years after it occurred i dreamed of it often i have started up so vividly impressed by it that its fury has yet seemed raging in my quiet room in the still night i dream of it sometimes though at lengthened and uncertain intervals to this hour i have an association between it and a stormy wind or the mention of a sea shore as strong as any of which my mind is conscious as plainly as i behold what happened i will try to write it down i do not it but see it done for it happens again before me the time drawing on rapidly for the sailing of the ship my good old nurse almost broken hearted for me when we first met came up to london i was constantly with her and her brother and the they being very much together but i never saw one evening when the time was close at hand i was alone with and her brother our conversation turned on ham she described to us how tenderly he had taken leave of her and how and quietly he had borne himself most of all of late when she believed he was most tried it was a subject of which the affectionate creature never tired and our interest in hearing the many examples which she who was so much with him had to relate was equal to hers in relating them my aunt and i were at that time the two cottages at i intending to go abroad and she to return to her house at we had a temporary lodging in garden as i walked home to it after this evening s conversation reflecting on what had passed between ham and myself when i was last at i wavered in the original q m m m u la a of david purpose i had formed of leaving a letter for when i should take leave of her uncle on board the ship and thought it would be better to write to her now she might desire i thought after receiving my communication to send some parting word by me to her unhappy lover i ought to give her the opportunity i therefore sat down in my room before going to bed and wrote to her i told her that i had seen him and that he had requested me to tell her what i have already written in its place in these sheets i faithfully repeated it i had no need to upon it if i had had the right its deep fidelity and goodness were not to be adorned by me or any man i left it out to be sent round in the morning with a line to mr him to give it to her and went to bed at daybreak i was weaker than i knew then and not falling asleep until the sun was up lay late and next day i was roused by the silent presence of my aunt at my bedside i felt it in my sleep as
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i suppose we all do feel such things trot my dear she said when i opened my eyes i couldn t make up my mind to disturb you mr is here shall he come up i replied yes and he soon appeared r he said when we had shaken hands i em ly your letter sir and she writ this and begged of me fur to ask you to read it and if you see no hurt in t to be so kind as take charge on t have you read it said i he nodded sorrowfully i opened it and read as follows i have got your message oh what can i write to thank you for your good and blessed kindness to me i have put the words close to my heart i shall keep them till i die they are sharp thorns but they are such comfort i have prayed over them oh i have prayed so much when i find what you are and what uncle is i think what god must be and can cry to him good bye for ever now my dear my friend good bye for ever in this world in another world if i am forgiven i may wake a child and come to you all thanks and farewell this blotted with tears was the letter may i tell her as you t see no hurt in t and as you be so kind as take charge on t r said mr when i had read it unquestionably said i but i am thinking yes r i am thinking said i that i go dow again to there s time and to spare to go and come i before the ship sails my mind is constantly running on him in his solitude to put this letter of her writing in his hand at this time and to enable you to tell her in the moment of parting that he has got it will be a kindness to both of them i solemnly accepted his commission dear good fellow and cannot discharge it too completely the journey is nothing to me i am restless and shall be better in motion i go down to night though he anxiously endeavoured to me i saw that he was of the personal history and experience my mind and this if i had required to be confirmed in my intention would have had the effect he went round to the coach office at my request and took the box seat for me on the mail in the evening i started by that conveyance down the road i had traversed under so many don t you think that i asked the coachman in the first stage out of london a very remarkable sky i don t remember to have seen one like it nor i not equal to it he replied that s wind sir there be mischief done at sea i expect before long it was a confusion here and there blotted with a colour like the colour of the smoke from damp fuel of flying clouds tossed up into most remarkable heaps suggesting greater heights in the clouds than there were depths below them to the bottom of the deepest hollows in the earth through which the wild moon seemed to plunge headlong as if in a dread disturbance of the laws of nature she had lost her way and were frightened there had been a wind all day and it was rising then with an extraordinary great sound in another hour it had much increased and the sky was more and it blew hard but as the night advanced the clouds closing in and the whole sky then very dark it came on to blow harder and harder it still increased until our horses could scarcely face the wind many times in the dark part of the night it was then late in september when the nights were not short the leaders turned about or came to a dead stop and we were often in serious apprehension that the coach would be blown over sweeping of rain came up before this storm like showers of steel and at those times when there was any shelter of trees or lee walls to be got we were fain to stop in a impossibility of continuing the struggle when the day broke it blew harder and harder i had been in when the said it blew great guns but i had never known the like of this or anything approaching to it we came to very late having had to fight every inch of ground since we were ten miles out of london and found a cluster of people in the market place who had risen from their beds in the night fearful of falling chimneys some of these about the inn d while we changed horses told us of great sheets of lead having been ofi a church tower and flung into a bye street which they then blocked up others had to tell of country people coming in from neighbouring villages who had seen great trees lying torn out of the earth and whole scattered about the roads and fields still there was no in the storm but it blew harder as we struggled on nearer and nearer to the sea from which this mighty wind was blowing dead on shore its force became more and more terrific long before we saw the sea its spray was on our li s and salt rain upon us the water was out over miles and miles of the flat country adjacent to and every sheet and lashed its banks and had its stress of little setting heavily towards us when we came within sight of the sea the waves on the horizon caught at intervals above the abyss were like glimpses of another of david with towers and buildings when at last
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we got into the town the people came out to their doors all and with streaming hair making a wonder of the mail that had come through such a night i put up at the old inn and went down to look at the sea staggering along the street which was strewn with sand and and with flying of sea foam afraid of falling and and holding i met at angry corners coming near the beach i saw not only the but half the people of the town lurking behind buildings some now and then the fury of the storm to look away to sea and blown sheer out of their course in trying to get back joining these groups i found women whose husbands were away in or boats which there was too much reason to think might have before they could run in anywhere for safety old sailors were among the people shaking their heads as they looked from water to sky and muttering to one another ship owners excited and uneasy children together and peering into older faces even stout disturbed and anxious their glasses at the sea from behind places of shelter as if they were surveying an enemy the tremendous sea itself when i could find sufficient pause to look at it in the agitation of the blinding wind the flying stones and sand and the awful noise confounded me as the high watery walls came rolling in and at their highest tumbled into surf they looked as if the least would the town as the receding wave swept back with a hoarse roar it seemed to out deep in the beach as if its purpose were to the earth when some white headed thundered on and dashed themselves to pieces before they reached the land every fragment of the late whole seemed possessed by the full might of its wrath rushing to be gathered to the composition of another monster hills were changed to valleys valleys with a storm bird sometimes through them were lifted up to hills masses of water shivered and shook the beach with a sound every shape rolled on as soon as made to change its shape and place and beat another shape and place away the ideal shore on the horizon with its towers and buildings rose and fell the clouds flew fast and thick i seemed to see a and of all nature not finding ham among the people whom this memorable wind for it is still remembered down there as the great st ever known to blow that coast had brought together i made my way to his house it was shut and as no one answered to my knocking i went by back ways and bye lanes to the yard where he worked i learned there that he had gone to to meet some sudden of in which his skill was ed but that he would be back to morrow morning in good time i went back to the inn and when i had washed and dressed and tried to sleep but in vain it was five o clock in the afternoon i had not sat five minutes by the ee room fire when tlie coming to stir it as an excuse for talking told me that two had gone down with all hands a few miles away and that some other ships had been seen laboring hard in the and trying in great distress to keep off shore mercy the personal history and experience on them and on all poor sailors said he if we had another night like the last i was very much depressed in spirits very solitary and felt an uneasiness in ham s not being there to the occasion i was seriously affected without knowing how much by late events and my long exposure to the fierce wind had confused me there was that in my thoughts and recollections that i had lost the clear arrangement of time and distance thus if i had gone out into the town i should not have been surprised i think to encounter some one who knew must be then in london so to speak there was in these respects a curious in my mind yet it was busy too with all the the place ally awakened and they were particularly distinct and vivid in this state the waiter s dismal intelligence about the ships immediately connected itself without any effort of my with my uneasiness about ham i was persuaded that i had an apprehension of his returning from by sea and being lost this grew so strong with me that i resolved to go back to the yard before i took my dinner and ask the boat if he thought his attempting to return by sea at all likely if he gave me the least reason to think so i would go over to and prevent it by bringing him with me i hastily ordered my dinner and went back to the yard i was none too soon for the boat with a lantern in his hand was the yard gate he quite laughed when i asked him the question and said there was no fear no man in his senses or out of them would put off in such a gale of wind least of all ham who had been born to so sensible of this beforehand that i had really felt ashamed of doing what i was nevertheless impelled to do i went back to the inn if such a wind could rise i think it was rising the howl and roar the rattling of the doors and windows the in the chimneys the apparent rocking of the very house that sheltered me and the prodigious tumult of the sea were more fearful than in the morning but there was now a great darkness besides and that invested the storm with new terrors real and fanciful i could not
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eat i could not sit still i could not continue to anything something within me faintly answering to the storm without tossed up the depths of my memory and made a tumult in them yet in all the hurry of my thoughts wild running with the thundering sea the storm and my uneasiness regarding ham were always in the fore ground my dinner went away almost and i tried to refresh myself with a glass or two of wine in vain i fell into a dull slumber before the fire without losing my consciousness either of the uproar out of doors or of the place in which i was both became by a new and horror and when i awoke or rather when i shook off the that bound me in my chair my whole frame thrilled with and unintelligible fear i walked to and fro tried to read an old listened to the awful noises looked at faces scenes and figures in the fire at length op david the steady of the undisturbed clock on the wall tormented me to t degree that i resolved to go to bed it was re assuring on such a night to be told that some of the had agreed together to sit up until morning i went to bed exceedingly weary and heavy but on my lying down all such sensations vanished as if by magic and i was broad awake with every sense refined for hours i lay there listening to the wind and water imagining now that i heard shrieks out at sea now that i distinctly heard the firing of signal guns and now the fall of houses in the town i got up several times and looked out but could see nothing except the reflection in the window panes of the faint candle i had left burning and of my own haggard face looking in at me from the black void at length my restlessness attained to such a pitch that i hurried on my clothes and went down stairs in the large kitchen where i dimly saw bacon and ropes of hanging from the beams the were clustered together in various attitudes about a table purposely moved away from the great chimney and brought near the door a pretty girl who had her ears stopped with her apron and her eyes upon the door screamed when i appeared supposing me to be a spirit but the others had more presence of mind and were glad of an addition to their company one man referring to the topic they had been discussing asked me whether i thought the souls of the who had gone down were out in the storm i remained there i dare say two hours once i opened the and looked into the empty street the sand the sea weed and tlie of foam were driving by and i was obliged to call for assistance before i could shut the gate again and make it fast against the wind there was a dark gloom in my solitary chamber when i at length returned to it but i was tired now and getting into bed again fell off a tower and down a precipice into the depths of sleep i have an impression that for a time though i dreamed of being elsewhere and in a variety of scenes it was always blowing in my dream at length i lost that feeble hold upon reality and was engaged with two dear friends but who they were i don t know at the siege of some town in a roar of the thunder of the cannon was so loud and incessant that i could not hear something i much to hear until i made a great exertion and awoke it was broad day eight or nine o clock the storm raging in of the and some one knocking and calling at my door what is the matter i cried a wreck close by i sprung out of bed and asked what wreck a from spain or laden with fruit and wine make haste sir if you want to see her it s thought down on the beach she go to pieces every moment the excited voice went along the staircase and i wrapped myself in my clothes as quickly as i could and ran into the street numbers of people were there before me all running in one direction o o the personal history and experience to the beach i ran the same way a good many and soon came facing the wild sea the wind might by this time have a little though not more sensibly than if the i had dreamed of had been diminished by the of half a dozen guns out of hundreds but the sea having upon it the additional agitation of the whole night was infinitely more terrific than when i had seen it last every appearance it had then presented bore the expression of being swelled and the height to which the rose and looking over one another bore one another down and rolled in in interminable hosts was most appalling in the difficulty of hearing anything but wind and waves and in the crowd and the unspeakable confusion and my first breathless efforts to stand against the weather i was so confused that i looked out to sea for the wreck and saw nothing but the foaming heads of the great waves a half dressed standing next me pointed with his bare arm a d arrow on it pointing in the same direction to the left then great heaven i saw it close in upon us one mast was broken short off six or eight feet from the deck and lay over the side entangled in a of sail and and all that ruin as the ship rolled and beat which she did without a moment s pause and with a violence
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face from where i stood but he took no thought of that he seemed hurriedly to give them some directions for leaving him more free or so i judged from the motion of his arm and was gone as before and now he made for the wreck rising with the hills falling with the valleys lost beneath the rugged foam borne in towards the shore borne on towards the ship striving hard and the distance was nothing but the power of the sea and wind made the strife deadly at length he the wreck he was so near that with one more of his vigorous strokes he would be clinging to it when a high green vast hill side of water moving on from beyond the ship he seemed to leap up into it with a mighty bound and the ship was gone some fragments i saw in the sea as if a mere had been broken in running to the spot where they were in consternation was in every face they drew him to my very feet insensible dead he was carried to the nearest house and no one preventing me now i remained near him busy while every means of restoration were tried but he had been beaten to death by the great wave and his generous heart was for ever as i sat beside the bed when hope was abandoned and all was done a who had known me when and i were children and ever since whispered my name at the door sir said he with tears starting to his weather beaten face which with his trembling lips was pale will you come over yonder the old remembrance that had been recalled to me was in his look i asked him terror stricken leaning on the arm he held out to support me has a body come ashore he said yes do i know it i asked then he answered nothing but he led me to the shore and on that part of it where she and i had looked for shells two children on that part of it where some lighter fragments of the old boat blown down last night had scattered by the wind among the ruins of the home he had wronged i saw lying with his head upon his arm as i had often seen him lie at school chapter the new wound and the old no need to have said when we last spoke together in that hour which i so little deemed to be our parting hour no need to have said think of me at my best i had done that ever and could i change now looking on this sight they brought a hand and laid him on it and covered him with a op david flag and took him up and bore liim on towards the houses all the men who carried him had known him and gone sailing with him and seen him merry and bold they carried him through the wild roar a hush in tlie midst of all the tumult and took him to the cottage where death was already but when they set the down on the threshold they looked at one another and at me and whispered i knew why they felt as if it were not right to lay him down in the same quiet room we went into the town and took our burden to the inn so soon as i could at all collect my thoughts i sent for and begged him to provide me a conveyance in which it could be got to london in the night i knew that the care of it and the hard duty of preparing his mother to receive it could only rest with me and i was anxious to discharge that duty as faithfully as i could i chose the night for the journey that there might be less curiosity when i left the town but although it was nearly midnight when i came out of the yard in a chaise followed by what i had in charge there were many people waiting at intervals along the town and even a little way out upon the road i saw more but at length only the bleak night and the open country were around me and the ashes of my youthful friendship upon a mellow autumn day about noon when the ground was by fallen leaves and many more in beautiful tints of yellow red and brown yet hung upon the trees through which the sun was shining i arrived at i v the last mile thinking as i went along of what i had to do and left the carriage that had followed me all through the night awaiting orders to advance the house when i came up to it looked just the same not a blind was raised no sign of life was in the dull paved court with its covered way leading to the door the wind had quite gone down and nothing moved i had not at first the courage to ring at the gate and when i did ring my errand seemed to me to be expressed in the very sound of the bell the little parlour maid came out with the key in her hand and looking earnestly at me as she unlocked the gate said i beg your pardon sir are you ill i have been much agitated and am fatigued is anything the matter sir mr james hush said i yes something has happened that i have to break to mrs she is at home the girl anxiously replied that her mistress was very seldom out now even in a carriage that she kept her room that she saw no company but would see me her mistress was up she said and miss with her what message should she take up stairs giving her
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a strict charge to be careful of her manner and only to carry in my card and say i waited i sat down in the drawing room which we had now reached until she should come back its former pleasant air of occupation was gone and the shutters were half closed the harp had not been used for many and many a day his picture as a boy was there the cabinet in which his mother had kept his letters there sat i wondered if the ever read if tbe would ever r ad tiie wan o still i heard the light step up stairs on her she brought a message to the effect that mrs was an invalid and r ould not come down hut that if would excuse her being in her chamber the would be to see me in a few i stood before her she was in his room not in her own i felt of course that she had to occupy it in remembrance of him and that the many tokens of his old sports and accomplishments by which she was surrounded remained there just as he had left them for the same reason murmured however even in her reception of me that she was out of her own chamber because its aspect was to her infirmity and with her stately look the least suspicion of the truth at her as usual was from the first moment of her dark eyes resting on me i saw she knew i was the bearer of evil tidings the sprung into view that instant she withdrew herself a step behind the chair to keep her own face out of mrs s observation and mc with a piercing gaze that never faltered never i am sorry to observe you are in mourning sir said mrs i am unhappily a i you are veiy young to know so great a loss she returned i am grieved to hear it i am grieved to hear it i hope time will be good to you i hope time said i looking at her will be good to all of us bear mrs we must all trust to that in our heaviest misfortunes the earnestness of my manner and the tears in my eyes alarmed her the whole course of her thoughts appeared to stop and change i tried to command my voice in gently saying his name but it trembled she repeated it to herself two or three times in a low tone then addressing me she said with enforced calmness my son is ill you have seen him i have are you reconciled i not say yes i could not say no she slightly turned her head towards the spot where had been standing at her elbow in that moment i said bv the motion of my to dead i that mrs might not be induced to look behind her and read plainly written what she was not yet prepared to know i met her look quickly but i had seen throw her hands up in the air with vehemence of despair and horror and then them on her face the handsome so hke o so like u me with a fixed look and put her hand to her forehead i her to be calm and prepare herself to bear what i had to tell but i should rather have entreated her to weep for she sat like a stone figure op david when i was a i here i faltered miss told me h t wa j sailing here and there the night before last was a one at sea if he were at sea that night and near a dangerous coast as it is said he was and if the vessel that was seen should really be the ship said come to me she came but with no sympathy or gentleness her eyes like fire as she confronted his mother broke into a laugh now she said is your pride appeased you now has he made to you with his life i j o you hear life mrs fallen back stiffly in her chair and making no sound but a moan cast her eyes upon her with a wide stare aye i cried k a herself passionately on the breast look at me moan and groan and look at me look here striking the at your dead child s handy work the moan the mother uttered from time to time went to my heart always the same always inarticulate and stifled always accompanied with an incapable motion of the head but with no change of face always proceeding from a rigid mouth and closed teeth as if tlie jaw were locked and the face frozen up in pain i o you remember when he did this she proceeded do you remember when in his inheritance of your nature and in your of his pride and passion he did this and me for life look at me marked until i die with his high displeasure and moan and groan for what you made him miss i entreated her i or heaven sake i will speak she said on me with her lightning eyes be silent you look at me say proud mother of a proud e son moan for your of him moan for your corruption of him moan for your lo of liim moan for mine she clenched her and trembled through her spare worn figure as if her passion were killing her by indies you resent bis she you injured by his haughty temper i you who opposed to both when your hair was grey the qualities which ma le both you gave him birth you who from o reared him to be what he was and what he should liave been i are you rewarded your years of trouble o miss shame cruel i t l you she returned i mil speak
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to her no power on earth f old stop me while x was standing here i have i en silent all these years and shall i not speak now i loved him better you ever loved him turning on her fiercely i could have loved liim and asked no return if i been his wife i could have been the slave of his for a word of love a year should have l een who knows it better than i you were proud selfish my lore have been devoted would trod your paltry m upon the m if she actually did it the i history and experience look here she said striking the again with a hand when he grew into the better understanding of what he had done he saw it and repented of it i could sing to him and talk to him and show the that i felt in all he did and attain with labor to knowledge as most interested him and i attracted him when he was and truest he loved me yes he did many a time when you were put off with a slight word he has taken me to his heart she said it with a pride in the midst of her frenzy for it was little less yet with an eager remembrance of it in which the embers of a feeling kindled for the moment i descended as i might have known i should but that he fascinated me with his boyish courtship into a doll a trifle for tlie occupation of an idle hour to be dropped and taken up and with as the humour took him he grew weary i grew weary as his fancy died out i would no more have tried to strengthen any power i had than i would have married him on liis being forced to take me for his wife we fell away from one another without a word perhaps you saw it and were not sorry since then i have been a mere piece of furniture between you both having no eyes no ears no feelings no moan moan for what you made him not for your love i tell you that the time was when i loved him better than you ever did she stood with her bright angry eyes the wide stare and the set face and softened no more when the moaning was repeated than if the face had been a picture miss said i if you can be so as not to feel for this afflicted mother who feels for me she sharply retorted she has sown this let her moan for the harvest hat she to day and if his faults i began faults she cried bursting into passionate tears who dares him he had a soul worth millions of the friends to whom he stooped no one can have loved him better no one can hold him in dearer remembrance than i i replied i meant to say if you have no compassion for his mother or if his faults you have been bitter on them it s false she cried tearing her black hair i loved him cannot i went on be banished from your remembrance in such an hour look at that figure even as one you have never seen before and render it some help all this time the figure was unchanged and looked motionless rigid staring moaning in the same dumb way from time to time with the same helpless motion of the head but giving no other sign of life miss suddenly down before it and began to the dress a curse upon you she said looking round at me with a mingled expression of rage and grief it was in an evil that you ever came here a curse upon you go after passing out of the room i back to ring the bell the sooner to alarm the servants she had then taken the figure in her arms and still upon her knees was over it kissing it calling to of david it rocking it to and fro upon her bosom like a child and trying every tender means to rouse the senses no longer afraid of leaving her i noiselessly turned back again and alarmed the house as i went out later in the day i returned and we laid him in his mother s room she was just the same they told me miss never left her doctors were in attendance many things had been tried but she lay like a statue except for the low sound now and then i through the dreary house and darkened the windows the windows of the chamber where he lay i darkened last i lifted up the leaden hand and held it to my heart and all the world seemed death and silence broken only by his mother s moaning chapter the one thing more i had to do before yielding myself to the shock of these emotions it was to conceal what had occurred from those who were going away and to dismiss them on their voyage in happy ignorance in this no time was to be lost i took mr aside that same t and confided to him the task of standing between mr and intelligence of the late catastrophe he undertook to do so and to any newspaper thi hich it might without such precautions reach him if it to him sir said mr striking himself on the breast it shall first pass through this body mr i must observe in his of himself to a new state of society had acquired a bold air not absolutely lawless but and prompt one might have supposed him a child of the wilderness long accustomed to live out of the of and about to return to his native he had provided himself among other things with a complete suit of oil skin and
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said his wife in a low tone at such a time as this it is not meet said mr rising that every nice offence should bear its comment i stand the loss observed his wife has been my family s not yours if my family are at length sensible of the to which their own conduct has in the past exposed them and now desire to extend the hand of fellowship let it not be my dear he returned so be it if not for their for mine said his wife he returned that view of the question is at such a moment irresistible i cannot even now distinctly pledge myself to fall upon your family s neck but the member of your family who is now in attendance shall have no genial warmth frozen by me mr withdrew and was absent some little time in the course of which mrs was not free from an apprehension that words might have arisen between him and the member at length the same boy re appeared and presented me with a note written in pencil and headed in a legal manner v from this document i learned that mr being again arrested was in a final of despair and that he begged me to send him his knife and pint pot by bearer as they might prove serviceable during the brief remainder the history and experience of liis existence in jail he also requested as a last act of friendship that i would see his family to the parish and forget that such a being ever lived of course i this note by going down with the boy to pay the money where i found mr sitting in a corner looking darkly at the s officer who had effected the capture on his release lie embraced me with the utmost and made an entry of the transaction in his pocket book being very particular i recollect about a i omitted from my statement of the total this momentous pocket book was a to him of another transaction on our return to the room upstairs where he accounted for his absence by saying that it had been occasioned by circumstances over which he had no control he took out of it a large sheet of paper folded small and quite covered with long sums carefully worked the glimpse i had of them i should say that i never saw such sums out of a school book these it seemed were calculations of compound interest on he called the principal amount of ten eleven and a half for various periods after a careful consideration of these and an elaborate estimate of his resources he had come to the conclusion to select that sum which represented the amount with compound interest to two years fifteen months and fourteen days from that date this he had drawn a note of hand with great neatness which he handed over to on the spot a discharge of his debt in full as between man and man with many i have still a said mrs shaking her head that my family will appear on board before we finally depart mr evidently had his on the subject too but he put it in his tin pot and swallowed it if you have any opportunity of sending letters home on your passage mrs said my aunt you must let us hear from you you know my dear miss she replied i shall only be top happy to think that anyone expects to hear from us shall not fail to correspond mr i trust as an old and i friend will not object to receive occasional intelligence from one who knew him when the were yet unconscious i said that i should hope to hear whenever she had an opportunity of writing please heaven there will be many such opportunities said mr the ocean in these times is a perfect fleet of ships and we can hardly fail to encounter many in running over it is merely crossing said mr trifling with his eye glass merely crossing the distance is quite imaginary i think now how odd it was but how wonderfully like mr that when he went from london to he should have talked as if he were going to the farthest limits of the earth and when he went from england to as if he were going for a little trip across the channel of david on the voyage endeavour said mr occasionally to spin them a and the melody of my son will i trust be acceptable at the fire when mrs has her sea legs on an expression in which i hope there is no conventional she give them i dare say little and i believe will be frequently observed our bows and either on the or the quarter objects of interest will be continually in short said mr with the old genteel air the probability is all will be found so exciting and aloft that when the look out stationed in the main top cries land ho we shall be very considerably astonished with that he flourished off the contents of his little tin pot as if he had made the voyage and had passed a first class examination before the highest naval authorities what chiefly hope my dear mr said mrs is that in some branches of our family we may live again in the old country do not frown i do not now refer to my own family but to our children however vigorous the said mrs shaking her head i cannot forget the parent tree and when our race to eminence and fortune i own should wish that fortune to flow into the of my dear said mr must take her chance i am bound to say that she has never done much for me and that i have no particular wish upon the subject returned mrs there you
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are wrong you are going out to this distant to strengthen not to the between yourself and the in question my love rejoined mr has not laid me t repeat under that load of personal obligation that i am at all sensitive as to the formation of another returned mrs there i again say you are wrong you do not know your power it is that which will strengthen even in this step you are about to take the between yourself and mr sat in his elbow chair with his eyebrows raised half receiving and half mrs s views as they were stated but very sensible of their foresight my dear mr said mrs i wish mr to feel his position it appears to me highly important that mr should from the hour of his feel his position your old knowledge of me my dear mr will have told you that i have not the sanguine disposition of mr my disposition is if i may say so eminently practical i know that this is a long voyage i know that it will involve many and i cannot shut my eyes to those facts but i also know what mr is i know the latent power of mr and therefore i consider it important that mr should feel his position my love he observed perhaps you will allow me to remark that it is barely possible that i do feel my position at the present moment i think not she rejoined not fully my dear the personal history and experience mr mr s is not a common case mr is going to a distant country expressly in order that he may be fully understood and appreciated for the first time i wish mr to take his stand upon that vessel s and firmly say this country i am come to conquer have you honours have you riches have you posts of profitable pecuniary let them be brought forward they are mine mr glancing at us all seemed to think there was a good deal in this idea i wish mr if i make myself understood said mrs in her tone to be the c of his own fortunes that my dear mr appears to me to be his true position from the first moment of this voyage i wish mi to stand upon that vessel s and say enough of delay enough of disappointment enough of limited means that was in the old country this is the new produce your bring it forward mr folded his arms in a resolute manner as if he were then stationed on the e head and doing that said mrs feeling his position am i not right in saying that mr will strengthen and not his with britain an important public character arising in that shall i be told that its influence will not be felt at home can i be so weak as to imagine that mr the rod of talent and of power in will be nothing in england i am but a woman but i should be unworthy of myself and of my papa if i were guilty of such absurd weakness mrs s conviction that her arguments were gave a moral elevation to her tone which i think i had never heard in it before and therefore it is said mrs that i the more wish that at a future period we may live again on the parent soil mr maybe i cannot disguise from myself that the probability is mr will be a page of history and he ought then to be represented in the country which gave him birth and did not give him employment my love observed mr it is impossible for me not to be touched by your i am always willing to to your good sense what will be will be heaven forbid that i should grudge my native country any portion of the wealth that may be accumulated by our descendants that s well said my aunt nodding towards and i drink my love to you all and every blessing and success attend you mr put down the two children he had been nursing one on each knee to join mr and mrs in drinking to all of us in return and when he and the cordially shook hands as comrades and his brown face brightened with a smile i felt that he would make his way establish a good name aud be beloved go where he would even the children were instructed each to dip a wooden spoon into mr s pot and pledge us in its contents when this was my aunt and rose and parted from the it was a sorrowful farewell they were all crying the children hung about of david to the last and we left poor mrs in a very distressed condition sobbing and weeping by a dim candle that must have made the room look from the river like a miserable light house i went down again next morning to see that they were away they had departed in a boat as early as five o clock it was a wonderful instance to me of the gap such make that although my association of them with the tumble down public house and the wooden stairs dated only from last night both seemed dreary and deserted now that they were gone in the afternoon of the next day my old nurse and i went down to we found the ship in the river surrounded by a crowd of boats a favourable wind blowing the signal for sailing at her mast head i hired a boat directly and we put off to her and getting through the little of confusion of which she was the centre went on board mr was waiting for us on deck he told me that mr had just now been arrested again aad for the last time at the
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suit of and that in compliance with a request i had made to him he had paid the money which i repaid him he then took us down between decks and there any lingering fears i had of his having heard any of what had happened were by mr s coming out of the gloom taking his arm with an air of friendship and protection and telling me that they had scarcely been asunder for a moment since the night before last it was such a strange scene to me and so confined and dark that at first i could make out hardly anything but by degrees it cleared as my eyes became more accustomed to the gloom and i seemed to stand in a picture by among the great beams and of the ship and the and and bundles and barrels and heaps of miscellaneous baggage lighted up here and there by dangling and elsewhere by the yellow day light down a or a were crowded groups of people making new taking leave of one another talking laughing crying eating and drinking some already settled down into the possession of their few feet of space with their little arranged and tiny children established on or in dwarf elbow chairs others despairing of a and wandering from babies who had but a week or two of life behind them to crooked old men and women who seemed to have but a week or two of life before them and from bodily carrying out soil of england on their boots to taking away of its and smoke upon their skins every age and occupation appeared to l e crammed into the narrow compass of the decks as my eye glanced round this place i thought i saw sitting by an open port with one of the children near her a figure like s it first attracted my attention by another figure parting from it with a kiss and as it glided calmly away through the disorder reminding me of but in the rapid motion and confusion and in the of my own thoughts i lost it again and only knew that the time was come when all visitors were being warned to leave the ship that my nurse w as crying on a chest beside me and that mrs t personal and experience assisted by some younger stooping woman in black was busily arranging mr s goods is there any last r said he is there any one forgotten thing afore we parts one thing said i he touched the younger woman i have mentioned on the shoulder and stood before me heaven bless you you good man cried i you take her with vou i she answered for him with a burst of tears i could speak no more at that time bat i wrung his hand and if ever i have loved and honored any man i loved and honored that man in my soul the ship was clearing fast of strangers the greatest trial that i had remained i told him what the noble spirit that was gone had given me in charge to say at parting it moved him deeply but when he charged me in return with many messages of affection and regret for those deaf ears he moved me more the time was come i embraced him took my weeping nurse upon my arm and hurried away on deck i took leave of poor mrs she was looking about for her family even then and her last words to me were that she never would desert mr we went over the side into our boat and at a little distance to see the ship on her course it w as then calm radiant sunset she lay between us and the red light and every line and was visible against the glow a sight at once so beautiful so and so hopeful as the glorious ship lying still on the flushed water with all the life on board her crowded at the and there for a moment bare headed and silent i never saw silent only for a moment as the sails rose to the wind and the ship began to move there broke from all the boats three cheers which those on board took up and echoed back and which were echoed and re echoed my heart burst out when i heard the sound and the waving of the hats and handkerchiefs and then i saw her then i saw her at her uncle s side and trembling on his shoulder he pointed to us with an eager hand and she saw us and waved her last to me aye beautiful and drooping cling to him with the utmost trust of thy bruised heart for he has clung to thee with all the might of his great love surrounded by the rosy light and standing high upon the deck apart together she clinging to him and he holding her they solemnly passed away the night had fallen on the hills when we were rowed ashore and fallen darkly upon me or david chapter absence it was a long and gloomy night that gathered on me haunted by the ghosts of many hopes of many dear many errors many sorrows and regrets i went away from england not knowing even then how great the shock was that i had to bear i left all who were dear to me and went away and believed that i had borne it and it was past as a man upon a field of battle will receive a mortal hurt and scarcely know that he is struck so i when i was left alone with my heart had no conception of the wound with which it had to strive the knowledge came upon me not quickly but little by little and grain by grain the desolate with which i went abroad deepened and at
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first it was a heavy sense of loss and sorrow wherein i could distinguish little else by degrees it became a hopeless consciousness of all that i had lost love friendship interest of all that had been shattered my first trust my first affection the whole airy castle of my life of all that remained a ruined blank and waste lying wide around me unbroken to the dark horizon if my grief were selfish i did not know it to be so i mourned for my child wife taken from her blooming world so young i mourned for him who might have won the love and admiration of thousands as he had won mine long ago i mourned for the broken heart that had found rest in the stormy sea and for the wandering of the simple home where i had heard the night wind blowing when i was a child the accumulated sadness into which i fell i had at length no hope of ever issuing again i from place to place carrying my burden with me everywhere i felt its whole weight now and i drooped beneath it and i said in my heart that it could never be lightened when this despondency was at its worst i believed that i should die sometimes i thought that i would like to die at home and actually turned back on my road that i might get there soon at other times i passed on farther away from city to city seeking i know not what and trying to leave i know not what behind it is not in my power to one by one all the weary phases of distress of mind through which i passed there are some dreams that can only be imperfectly and vaguely described and when i oblige myself to look back on this time of my life i seem to be recalling such a dream i see myself passing on among the of foreign towns palaces temples pictures castles fantastic the old abiding places of history and fancy as a might bearing my painful load through all and hardly conscious of the objects as they fade p p the and experience before me to everything but brooding sorrow was tlie night that fell on my heart let me look up from it as at last i did heaven and from its long sad wretched dream to dawn for many months i travelled with this ever darkening cloud upon my mind some blind reasons tliat i had for not returning home reasons then struggling within me vainly for more distinct expression kept me on my pilgrimage sometimes i had proceeded from place to place stopping nowhere sometimes i had lingered long in one spot i had no purpose no soul within me anywhere i was in i had come out of italy over one of the great passes of the and had since wandered with a guide among the bye ways f the mountains if those awful had spoken to my heart i did know it i had found and wonder in the dread heights and in the roaring torrents and the of ice and snow but as yet they had taught me nothing else i came one evening before sunset down into a valley where i was to rest in the course of my descent to it by the winding track along the mountain side from which i saw it shining far below i think some sense of beauty and tranquillity some softening influence awakened by its peace moved faintly in my breast i remember pausing once with a kind of sorrow that was not all oppressive not quite despairing i remember almost hoping that some better change was possible within me i came into the valley as the evening sun was shining on the remote heights of snow that closed it in like eternal clouds the of the mountains forming the in which the little village lay were richly green and high above this vegetation grew forests of dark fir leaving the wintry snow drift like and the above these were range upon range of grey rock bright ice and smooth of pasture all gradually with the crowning snow dotted here and there on the mountain s side each tiny dot a home were lonely wooden cottages so by the towering heights that they appeared too small for toys so did even the clustered village in the valley with its wooden bridge across the stream where the stream tumbled over broken rocks and roared away among the trees in the quiet air there was a sound of distant singing shepherd voices but as one bright evening cloud floated along the mountain s side i could almost have believed it came from there and was not earthly music all at once in this serenity great nature spoke to me and soothed me to lay down my weary head upon the grass and weep as i had not wept yet since died i had found a packet of letters awaiting me but a few minutes before and had strolled out of the village to read them while my supper was making ready other had missed me and i had received none for a long time beyond a line or two to say that i was well and had arrived at such a place i had not had fortitude or constancy to write a letter since i left home the packet was in my hand i opened it and read the writing of of david she was happy and useful was as she had hoped that was all she told me of herself the rest referred to me she gave me no advice she urged no duty on me she only told me in her own fervent manner what her trust in me was she knew she said how such a nature as mine would
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turn affliction to good she knew how trial and emotion would and strengthen it she was sure that in my every purpose i should gain a firmer and a higher tendency through the grief i had undergone she who so in my fame and so looked forward to its well knew that i would labor on she knew that in me sorrow could not be weakness but must be strength as the endurance of my childish days had done its part to make me what i was so greater would nerve me on to be yet better than i was and so as they had taught me would i teach others she commended me to god who had taken my innocent darling to his rest and in her affection cherished me always and was always at my side go where i would proud of what i had done but infinitely yet of what i was reserved to do i put the letter in my breast and thought what had i been an hour ago when i heard the voices die away and saw the quiet evening cloud grow dim and all the colors in the valley fade and the golden snow upon the mountain tops become a remote part of the pale night sky yet felt that the night was passing from my mind and all its shadows clearing there was no name for the love bore her dearer to me than ever until then i read her letter many times i wrote to her before i slept i told her that i had been in sore need of her help that without her i was not and i never had been what she thought me but that she inspired me to be that and i would try i did try in three months more a year would have passed since the beginning of my sorrow i determined to make no resolutions until the of those three months but to try i lived in that valley and its neighbourhood all the time the three months gone i resolved to remain away from home for some time longer to settle myself for the present in which was growing dear to me in the remembrance of that evening to resume my pen to work i resorted humbly whither had commended me i sought out nature never sought in vain and i admitted to my breast the human interest i had lately shrunk from it was not long before i had almost as many friends in the valley as in and when i left it before the winter set in for and came back in the spring their cordial greetings had a homely sound to me although they were not conveyed in english words i worked early and late patiently and hard i wrote a story with a purpose growing not out of my experience and sent it to and he arranged for its publication very for me and the tidings of my growing reputation began to reach me from travellers whom i encountered by chance after some rest and change i fell to work in my old ardent way on a new fancy which took strong possession of me as i advanced in the execution of this task i felt t more and p p the personal history and experience more and roused my utmost energies to do it well this was my third work of fiction it was not half written when in an interval of rest i thought of returning home a long time though studying and working patiently i had accustomed myself to robust exercise my health severely when i left england was quite restored i had seen much i had been in many countries and i hope i had improved my store of knowledge i have now recalled all that i think it needful to here of this term of absence with one i have made it thus far with no purpose of any of my thoughts for as i have elsewhere said this narrative is my written memory i have desired to keep the most secret current of my mind apart and to the last i enter on it now i cannot so completely penetrate the mystery of my own heart as to know when i began to think that i might have set its earliest and brightest hopes on i cannot say at what stage of my grief it first became associated with the reflection that in my boyhood i had thrown away the treasure of her love i believe i may have heard some whisper of that distant thought in the old unhappy loss or want of something never to be of which i had been sensible but the thought came into my mind as a new reproach and new regret when i was left so sad and lonely in the world if at that time i had been much with her i should in the weakness of my desolation have betrayed this it was what i dreaded when i was first impelled to stay away from england i could not have borne to lose the smallest portion of her affection yet in that i should have set a between us hitherto unknown i could not forget that the feeling with which she now regarded me had grown up in my own free choice and course that if she had ever loved me with another love and i sometimes thought the time was when she might have done so i had cast it away it was nothing now that i had accustomed myself to think of her when we were both mere children as one who was far removed from my wild fancies i had bestowed my passionate tenderness upon another object and what i might have done i had not done and what was to me i and her own noble heart had made her in the beginning of the change
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that gradually worked in me when i tried to get a better understanding of myself and be a better man i did glance through some indefinite to a period when i might possibly hope to the mistaken past and to be so blessed as to marry her but as time wore on this shadowy prospect faded and departed from me if she had ever loved me then i should hold her the more sacred remembering the confidences i had in her her knowledge of my heart the sacrifice she must have made to be my friend and sister and the victory she had won if she had never loved me could i believe that she would love me now i had always felt my weakness in comparison with her constancy and fortitude and now i felt it more and more whatever i might have been to her or she to me if i had been more worthy of her long ago i was oe david not now and she was not the time was past i had let it go by and had lost her that i suffered much in these that they filled me with and remorse and yet that i had a sense that it was required of me in right and honor to keep away from myself with shame the thought of turning to the dear girl in the withering of my hopes from whom i had turned when they were bright and fresh which consideration was at the root of every thought i had her is all equally true i made no effort to conceal from myself now that i loved her that i was devoted to her but i brought the assurance home to myself that it was now too late and that our relation must be undisturbed i had thought much and often of my s out to me what might have happened in those years that were destined not to try us i had considered how the things that never happen are often as much realities to us in their effects as those that are accomplished the very years she spoke of were realities now for my and would have been one day a little later perhaps though we had parted in our earliest folly i endeavoured to convert what might have been between myself and into a means of making me more self denying more resolved more conscious of myself and my defects and errors thus through the reflection that it might have been i arrived at the conviction that it could never be these with their and were the shifting of my mind from the time of my departure to the time of my return home three years afterwards three years had elapsed since the sailing of the ship when at that same hour of sunset and in the same place i stood on the deck of the packet vessel that brought me home looking on the rosy water where i had seen the image of that ship reflected three years long in the though short as they went by and home was very dear to me and too but she was not mine she was never to be mine she might have been but that was past the personal history and experience return i landed in london on a wintry autumn evening it was dark and and i saw more fog and mud in a minute than i had seen in a year i walked from the custom house to the monument before i found a coach and although the very house fronts looking on the swollen were like old friends to me i could not but admit that they were very dingy friends i have remarked i suppose everybody has that one s going away from a familiar place would seem to be the signal for change in it as i looked out of the coach window and observed that an old house on fish street hill which had stood untouched by painter carpenter or for a century had been pulled down in my absence and that a neighbouring street of time honored and inconvenience was being drained and i half expected to find st paul s cathedral looking older some changes in the fortunes of my friends i was prepared my aunt had long been re established at and had begun to get into some little practice at the bar in the very first after my departure he had chambers in gray s inn now and had told me in his last letters that he was not without hopes of being soon united to the dearest girl in the world they expected me home before christmas but had no idea of ray so soon i had purposely them that i might have the pleasure of taking them by surprise and yet i was perverse enough to feel a chill and disappointment in receiving no welcome and rattling alone and silent through the misty streets the well known shops however with their cheerful lights did something for me and when i alighted at the door of the gray s inn i had recovered my spirits it recalled at first that so time when i had put up at the golden cross and reminded me of the changes that had come to pass since then but that was natural do you know where mr lives in the inn i asked the waiter as i warmed myself by the room fire court sir number two mr has a rising reputation among the lawyers i believe said i well sir returned the waiter probably he has sir but i am not aware of it myself this waiter who was middle aged and spare looked for help to a waiter of more authority a stout old man with a double chin in black breeches and stockings who came out of a place like a church
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of david s s at the end of the coffee where he kept company a cash box a a law list and other books and papers mr said the spare waiter number two in the court the waiter waved him away and turned gravely to me i was inquiring said i whether mr at number two in the court has not a rising reputation among the lawyers never heard his name said the waiter in a rich voice i felt quite for he s a young man sure said the waiter fixing his eyes severely on me how long has he been in the inn not above three years said i the waiter who i supposed had lived in his s for forty years could not pursue such an insignificant subject he asked me what i would have for dinner i felt i was in england again and really was quite cast down on s account there seemed to be no hope for him i meekly ordered a bit of fish and a and stood before the fire musing on his obscurity as i followed the chief waiter with my eyes i could not help thinking that the garden in which he had gradually blown to be the flower he was was an place to rise in it had such a long established solemn elderly air i glanced about the room which had had its floor no doubt in exactly the same manner when the chief waiter was a boy if he ever a boy which appeared improbable and at the shining tables where i saw myself reflected in depths of old and at the lamps without a flaw in their or cleaning and at the comfortable green curtains with their pure brass rods the boxes and at the two large coal fires brightly burning and at the rows of as if with the consciousness of pipes of expensive old port wine below and both england and the law appeared to me to be very difficult indeed to be taken by storm i went up to my bed room to change my wet clothes and the vast extent of that old apartment which was over the leading to the inn i remember and the of the four post and the gravity of the of drawers all seemed to unite in sternly frowning on the fortunes of or on any such daring youth i came down again to my dinner and even the slow comfort of the meal and the orderly silence of the place which was bare of guests the long not yet being over were eloquent on the audacity of and his small hopes of a for twenty years to come i had seen nothing like this since i went away and it quite dashed my hopes for my friend the chief waiter had had enough of me he came near me no more but devoted himself to an old gentleman in long to meet whom a pint of special port seemed to come out of the cellar of its own accord for he gave no order the second waiter informed me ia a whisper that this old gentleman was a retired living in the square and worth a of money which it was expected he would leave to his s daughter likewise that it was that he had a service of plate in a all with lying by though more than one spoon and a fork had never yet been beheld in his chambers by mortal the personal and experience vision by time i quite gave up for lost and settled in my own mind that there was no hope for him being very anxious to see the dear old fellow nevertheless i despatched my dinner in a manner not at all calculated to raise me in the opinion of the chief waiter and hurried out by the back way number two in the court was soon reached and an inscription on the door post informing me that mr occupied a set of chambers on the top story i ascended the staircase a crazy old staircase i found it to be feebly lighted on each landing by a club headed little oil dying away in a little of dirty glass in the course of my stumbling up stairs i fancied i heard a pleasant sound of laughter and not the laughter of an attorney or or attorney s clerk or s clerk but of two or three merry girls happening however as i stopped to listen to put my foot in a hole where the honorable society of gray s inn had left a plank deficient i fell down with some noise and when i recovered my footing all was silent groping my way more carefully for the rest of the journey my heart beat high when i found the outer door which had mr painted on it open i knocked a considerable within ensued but nothing else i therefore knocked again a small sharp looking lad half and half clerk who was very much out of breath but who looked at me as if he defied me to prove it presented himself is mr within said i yes sir but he s engaged i want to see him after a moment s survey of me the sharp looking lad decided to let me in and opening the door wider for that purpose admitted me first into a little closet of a hall and next into a little sitting room where i came into the presence of my old friend also out of breath seated at a table and bending over papers good god cried looking up it s and into my arms where i held him tight all well my dear all well my dear dear and nothing but good news we cried with pleasure both of us my dear fellow said his hair in his excitement which was a most unnecessary operation my
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dearest my long lost and most welcome friend how glad i am to see you how brown you are how glad i am upon my life and honor i never was so rejoiced my beloved never was equally at a loss to express my emotions i was quite unable to speak at first my dear fellow said and grown so famous my glorious good gracious me when did you come have you come from have you been doing never pausing for an answer to anything he said who had clapped me into an easy chair by the fire all this time stirred the fire with one hand and pulled at my neck with the other under some wild delusion that it was a great coat without putting of david down the he now me again and i him and both laughing and both wiping our eyes we both sat down and shook hands across the hearth to think said that you should have been so nearly coming home as you must have been my dear old boy and not at the ceremony what ceremony my dear good gracious me cried opening his eyes in his old way didn t you get my last letter certainly not if it referred to any ceremony why my dear said sticking his hair upright with both hands and then putting his hands on my knees i am married married i cried joyfully lord bless me yes said by the to down in why my dear boy she s behind the window curtain look here to my amazement the dearest girl in the world came at that same instant laughing and blushing from her place of concealment and a more cheerful amiable honest happy bright looking bride i believe as i could not help saying on the spot the world never saw i kissed her as an old acquaintance should and wished them joy with all my might of heart dear me said what a delightful re union this is you are so extremely brown my dear god bless my soul how happy i am and so am i said i and i am sure i am said the blushing and laughing we are all as happy as possible said even the girls are happy dear me i declare i forgot them forgot said l the girls said s sisters they are staying with us they have come to have a peep at london the fact is when was it you that tumbled up stairs it was said i laughing well then when you tumbled up stairs said i was with the girls in point of fact we were playing at in the corner but as that wouldn t do in westminster hall and as it wouldn t look quite professional if they were seen by a they and they are now listening i have no doubt said glancing at the door of another room i am sorry said i laughing afresh to have occasioned such a upon my word rejoined greatly delighted if you had seen them running away and running back again after you had knocked to pick up the they had dropped out of their hair and going on n the manner you wouldn t have said so my love will you fetch the girls tripped away and we heard her received in the adjoining room with a peal of laughter the personal history and experience really isn t it my dear said it s very agreeable to hear it quite lights up these old rooms to an unfortunate bachelor of a fellow who has lived alone all his life you know it s positively delicious it s charming poor things they have had a great loss in who i do assure you is and ever was the dearest girl and it me beyond expression to find them in such good spirits the society of girls is a very delightful thing it s not professional but it s very delightful observing that he slightly faltered and that in the goodness of his heart he was fearful of giving me some pain by what he had said i expressed my with a that evidently relieved and pleased him greatly but then said our domestic arrangements are to say the truth quite altogether my dear even s being here is and we have no other place of abode we have put to sea in a but we are quite prepared to rough it and s an extraordinary manager you be surprised how those girls are away i am sure i hardly know how it s done are many of the young ladies with you i inquired the eldest the beauty is here said in a low confidential voice and s here the one i mentioned to you as having something the matter with her you know immensely better and the two youngest that educated are with us and s here indeed cried i yes said now the whole set i mean the chambers is only three rooms but for the girls in the most wonderful way and they sleep as comfortably as possible three in that room said pointing two in that i could not help glancing round in search of the accommodation remaining for mr and mrs understood me well said we are prepared to rough it as i said just now and we did a bed last week upon the floor here but there s a little room in the roof a very nice room when you re up there which herself to surprise me and that s our room at present it s a capital little sort of place there s quite a view from it and you are happily married at last my dear said i how rejoiced i am thank you my dear said as we shook hands once more yes i am as happy as it
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whole faith of her heart come what might the deference which both she and showed towards the beauty pleased me very much i don t know that i thought it very reasonable but i thought it very delightful and essentially a part of their character if ever for an instant missed the that were still to be won i have no doubt it was when he handed the beauty her tea if his sweet tempered wife could have got up any self assertion against any one i am satisfied it could only have been because she was the beauty s sister a few slight indications of a rather and capricious manner which i observed in the beauty were considered by and his wife as her and natural if she had been bom a queen bee and they laboring bees they could not have been more satisfied of that but their self forgetfulness charmed me their pride in these girls and their submission of themselves to all their was the little testimony to their own worth i could have desired to see if were addressed as a darling once in the course of that evening and to bring something here or carry something there of david or take something up or put something down or find something or fetch something he was so addressed by one or other of his sisters in law at least twelve times in an hour neither could they do anything without somebody s hair fell down and nobody but could put it up somebody forgot how a particular tune went and nobody but could hum that tune right somebody wanted to the name of a place in and only knew it something was wanted to be written home and alone could be trusted to write before breakfast in the morning somebody broke down in a piece of knitting and no one but was able to put the in the right direction they were entire of the place and and waited on them how many children could have taken care of in her time i can t imagine but she seemed to be famous for knowing every sort of song that ever was addressed to a child in the english tongue and she sang to order with the little voice in the world one after another every sister issuing directions for a different tune and the beauty generally striking in last so that i was quite fascinated the best of all was that in the midst of their all the sisters had a great tenderness and respect both for and i am sure when i took my leave and was coming out to walk with me to the coffee house i thought i had never seen an obstinate head of hair or any other head of hair rolling about in such a shower of kisses altogether it was a scene i could not help dwelling on with pleasure for a long time after i got back and had wished good night if i had beheld a thousand roses blowing in a top set of chambers in that withered gray s inn they could not have brightened it half so much the idea of those girls among the dry law and the offices and of the tea and toast and children s songs in that grim atmosphere of and red dusty brief and paper law reports and bills of costs seemed almost as pleasantly fanciful as if i had dreamed that the s famous family had been admitted on the roll of and had brought the talking bird the singing tree and the golden water into gray s inn hall somehow i found that i had taken leave of for the night and come back to the coffee house with a great change in my despondency about him i began to think he would get on in spite of all the many orders of chief in england drawing a chair before one of the coffee room fires to think about him at my leisure i gradually fell from the consideration of his happiness to tracing prospects in the live coals and to thinking as they broke and changed of the principal and that had marked my life i had not seen a coal fire since i had left england three years ago though many a wood fire had i watched as it into ashes and mingled with the heap upon the hearth which not figured to me in my despondency my own dead hopes i could think of the past now gravely but not bitterly and could contemplate the future in a brave spirit home in its best sense was for me no more she in whom i might have inspired a dearer love i had taught to be my sister she would marry and would have new the personal history and experience on her tenderness and in doing it would never know the love for her that had grown up in my heart it was right that i should pay the of my headlong passion what i i had sown i was thinking and had i truly my heart to this and could i resolutely bear it and calmly hold the place in her home which she had calmly held in mine when i found my eyes resting on a countenance that might have arisen out of the fire in its association with my early little mr the doctor to whose good offices i was indebted in the very first chapter of this history sat reading a newspaper in the shadow of an op corner he was tolerably stricken in years by this time but being a mild meek calm little man had worn so easily that i thought he looked at that moment just as he might looked when he sat in our parlor waiting for me to be born mr had left six or seven years ago and i had never seen him
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since lie sat placidly the newspaper with his little head on one side and a glass of warm at his elbow he was so extremely in his manner that he seemed to to the very newspaper for taking the liberty of reading it i walked up to where he was sitting and said how do you do mr he was greatly fluttered by this unexpected address from a anger and replied in his slow way i thank you sir you are very good thank you sir i hope ou are well you don t remember me said i well sir returned mr smiling very meekly and shaking his head as he surveyed me i have a kind of an impression that something in your countenance is familiar to me sir but i couldn t lay my hand upon your name really and yet you knew it long before i knew it myself i returned did i indeed sir said mr is it possible that i had the honor sir of when yes said i dear me cried mr but no doubt you are a good deal changed since then sir probably said i well sir observed mr i hope you ll excuse me if i am compelled to ask the favor of your name on my telling him my name he was really moved he quite shook hands with me which was a violent proceeding for him his usual course being to slide a little fish an inch or two in advance of his hip and the greatest when anybody with it even now he put his hand in his coat pocket as soon as he could it and seemed relieved when he had got it safe back dear me sir said mr surveying me with his head on one side and it s mr is it well sir i think i should have known you if i had taken the liberty of looking more closely at you there s a strong resemblance between you and your poor father sir i never had the happiness of seeing my i observed very true sir said mr in a soothing tone and very of david to be it was on all accounts we are not ignorant sir said mr slowly shaking his little head again down in our part of the country of your fame there must be great excitement here sir said mr tapping himself on the forehead with his forefinger you must find it a trying occupation sir what is your part of the country now i asked myself near him i am established within a few miles of bury st sir said mr mrs coming into a little property in that neighbourhood under her father s will i bought a practice down there in which you will be glad to hear i am doing well my daughter is growing quite a tall now sir said mr giving his little head another little shake her mother let down two in her only last week such is time you see sir as the little man put his now empty glass to his lips when he made this reflection i proposed to him to liave it and i would keep him company with another well sir he returned in his slow way it s more than i am accustomed to but i can t deny myself the pleasure of your conversation it seems but yesterday that i had the honor of attending you in the you came through them sir i acknowledged this compliment and ordered the which was soon produced quite an uncommon said mr stirring it but i can t resist so an occasion you have no family sir i shook my head i was aware that you sustained a sir some time ago said mr i heard it from your father in law s sister yery decided character there sir why yes said i decided enough where did you see her mr are you not aware sir returned mr with his smile that your father in law is again a neighbour of mine no said i he is indeed sir said mr married a young lady of that part with a very good little property poor thing and this action of the brain now sir don t you find it fatigue you said mr looking at me like an admiring i that question and returned to the i was aware of his being married again do you attend the family i asked not regularly i have been called in he replied strong development of the organ of firmness in mr and his sister sir i replied with such an expressive look that mr was by that and the together to give his head several short and thoughtfully exclaim ah dear me we remember old times and the brother and sister are pursuing their old course are they said i well sir replied mr a medical man being so much in families ought to have neither eyes nor s for anything but his pro history and experience still i must say tliey are very severe sir both as to this life and the next the next will be regulated without much reference to them i dare say i returned what are they doing as to this mr shook his head stirred his and it she was a charming woman sir he observed in a plaintive manner the present mrs a charming woman indeed sir said mr as amiable i am sure as it was possible to be mrs s opinion is that her spirit has been entirely broken since her marriage and that she is all but melancholy mad and the ladies observed mr are great sir i suppose she was to be subdued and broken to their detestable mould heaven help her said i and she has been well sir there were violent quarrels at first i assure you said mr but she is quite a shadow
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now would it be considered forward if i was to say to you sir in confidence that since the sister came to help the brother and sister between them have nearly reduced her to a state of i told him i could easily believe it i have no hesitation in saying said mr himself with another of between you and me sir that her mother died of it or that tyranny gloom and worry have made mrs nearly she was a lively young woman sir before marriage and their gloom and destroyed her they go about with her now more like her than her husband and sister in law that was mrs s remark to me only last week and i assure you sir the ladies are great mrs herself is a great observer does he gloomily profess to be i am ashamed to use the word in such association religious still i inquired you anticipate sir said mr his eyelids getting quite red with the unwonted in which he was indulging one of mrs s most impressive remarks he proceeded in the and manner quite me by pointing out that mr sets up an image of himself and calls it the divine nature you might have knocked me down on the flat of my back su with the feather of a pen i e you when mrs said so the ladies are great sir said i to his extreme delight i am very happy to receive such support in my opinion sir he rejoined it is not often that t venture to give a non medical opinion i assure you mr public addresses sometimes and it is said in short sir it is said by mrs that the darker tyrant he has lately been the more ferocious is his doctrine i mrs to be perfectly right said i mrs does go so far as to say pursued the of little men much encouraged that what such people their religion is a vent for their bad and and do you know i must say sir he continued mildly laying his head on one side that i find authority for mr and miss in the new testament of david i never found it either said i in tlie meantime sir said mr they are much disliked and as they are very free in everybody who to we really have a good deal of going on in our neighbourhood however as mrs says sir they undergo a continual punishment for they are turned inward to feed upon their own hearts and their own hearts are very bad feeding now sir about that brain of yours if you ll excuse my returning to it don t you expose it to a good deal of excitement sir i found it not difficult in the excitement of mr s own brain under his of to divert his attention from this topic to his own affairs on which for the next half hour he was quite giving me to understand among other pieces of information that he was then at the gray s inn coffee house to lay his professional evidence before a commission of touching the state of mind of a patient who had become from excessive drinking and i assure you sir he said i am extremely nervous on such occasions i could not support being what is called sir it would quite me do you know it was some time before i recovered the conduct of that alarming lady on the night of your birth mr i told him that i was going down to my aunt the of that night early in the morning and that she was one of the most and excellent of women as he would know full well if he knew her better the mere notion of the possibility of his ever seeing her again appeared to him he replied with a small pale smile is she so indeed sir and almost immediately called for a candle and went to bed as if he were not quite safe anywhere else he did not actually under the but i should think his placid little pulse must have made two or three more beats in a minute than it had done since the great night of my aunt s disappointment when she struck at him with her bonnet thoroughly tired i went to bed too at midnight passed the next day on the coach burst safe and sound into my aunt s old parlor w she was at tea she wore spectacles now and was received by her and mr dick and dear old who acted as housekeeper with open arms and tears of joy my aunt was amused when we began to talk by my account of my meeting with mr and of his holding her in such dread remembrance and both she and had a great deal to say about my poor mother s second husband and that woman of a sister on whom i think no pain or penalty would have induced my aunt to bestow any christian or proper name or any other q q the history and chapter my aunt and i when we were left alone talked far into the night how the never wrote home otherwise than cheerfully and how mr had actually divers small sums of money on account of those pecuniary in reference to which he had been so business like as between man and man how into my aunt s service when she came back to had finally carried out her of mankind by entering into with a tavern keeper and how my aunt had finally set her seal on the same great principle by and the bride and crowning the marriage ceremony with her presence were among our topics already more or less familiar to me through the letters i had had mr dick as usual was not forgotten my aunt informed me how
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he incessantly occupied himself in everything he could lay his hands on and kept king charles the first at a respectful distance by that semblance of employment how it was one of the main joys and rewards of her life that he was free and happy instead of in monotonous restraint and how as a novel general conclusion nobody but she could ever fully know what he was and when trot said my aunt patting the back of my hand as we sat in our old way before the fire when are you going over to i shall get a horse and ride over to morrow morning aunt unless you win go with me no said my aunt in her short abrupt way i mean to stay where i am then i should ride i said i could not have come through to day without stopping if i had been coming to anyone but her she was pleased but answered tut trot my old bones w ould have kept till to morrow and softly patted my hand again as i sat looking thoughtfully at the fire thoughtfully for i could not be here once more and so near without the revival of those regrets with which i had so long been occupied softened regrets they might be teaching me what i had failed to learn when my younger life was all before me but not the less regrets oh trot i seemed to hear my aunt say once more and i understood her better now blind blind blind we both kept silence for some minutes when i raised my eyes i found that she was steadily observant of me perhaps she had followed the current of my mind for it seemed to me an easy one to track now wilful as it had been once of david you will find lier father a white haired old man said my aunt though a better man in all other respects a man neither will you find him measuring all human interests and joys and sorrows with his one poor little inch rule now trust me child such things must shrink very much before they can be measured off in that way indeed they must said i you will find her pursued my aunt as good as beautiful as earnest as disinterested as she has always been if i knew higher praise trot i would bestow it on her there was no higher praise for her no higher reproach for me how had i strayed so far away if she trains the young girls whom she has about her to be like herself said my aunt earnest even to the filling of her eyes with tears heaven knows her life will be well employed i useful and happy as she said that day how could she be otherwise than useful and happy has any i was thinking aloud rather than speaking well hey any what said my aunt sharply any lover said i a score cried my aunt with a kind of indignant pride she might have married twenty times my dear since you have been gone no doubt said i no doubt but has she any lover who is worthy of her could care for no other my aunt sat musing for a little while with her chin upon her hand slowly raising her eyes to mine she said i suspect she has an attachment trot a prosperous one said i trot returned my aunt gravely i can t say i have no right to tell you even so much she has never confided it to me but i suspect it she looked so attentively and anxiously at me i saw her tremble that i felt now more than ever that she had followed my late thoughts i summoned all the resolutions i had made in all those many days and nights and all those many of my heart if it should be so began and i hope it is i don t know that it is said my aunt you must not be ruled by my suspicions you must keep them secret they are very slight perhaps i have no right to speak if it should be so i repeated will tell me at her own good time a sister to whom i have confided so much aunt will not be reluctant to confide in me my aunt withdrew her eyes from mine as slowly as she had turned them upon me and covered them thoughtfully with her hand by and by she put her other hand on my shoulder and so we both sat looking into the past without saying another word until we parted for the night i rode away early in the morning for the scene of my old school days i cannot say that i was yet quite happy in the hope that i was gaining a victory over myself even in the prospect of so soon looking on her face again the well remembered ground was soon traversed and i came into the quiet streets where every stone was a boy s book to me i went on a a the personal history and experience foot to the old house and went away with a heart too full to enter i returned and looking as i passed through the low window of the et room where first and afterwards mr had been to sit saw that it was a little parlor now and that there was no office otherwise the staid old house was as to its cleanliness and order still just as it had been when i first saw it i requested the new maid who admitted me to tell miss that a gentleman who waited on her from a friend abroad was there and i was shown up the grave old staircase of the steps i knew so well into the unchanged drawing room the books that and i had
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read together were on their shelves and the desk where i had labored at my lessons many a night stood yet at the same old corner of the table all the little changes that had crept in when the keeps were there were changed again everything was as it used to be in the happy time i stood in a window and looked across the ancient street at the opposite houses recalling how i had watched them on wet when i first came there and how i had used to about the people who appeared at any of the windows and had followed them with my eyes up and down stairs while women went along the pavement in and the dull rain fell in lines and poured out of the yonder and flowed into the road the feeling with which i used to watch the as they came into the town on those wet evenings at dusk and past with their bundles drooping over their shoulders at the ends of sticks came back to me as then with the smell of damp earth and wet leaves and and the sensation of the very airs that blew upon me in my own journey the opening of the little door in the wall made me start and turn her beautiful serene eyes met mine as she came towards me she stopped and laid her hand upon her bosom and i caught her in my arms my dear girl i have come too suddenly upon you no no i am so rejoiced to see you trot wood dear the happiness it is to me to see you once again i folded her to my heart and for a little while we were both silent presently we sat down side by side and her angel face was turned upon me with the welcome i had dreamed of waking and sleeping for whole years she was so true she was so beautiful she was so good i owed her so much gratitude she was so dear to me that i could find no utterance for what i felt i tried to bless her tried to thank her tried to tell her as i had often done in letters what an influence she had upon me but all my were in vain my love and joy were dumb with her own sweet tranquillity ray agitation led me back to the time of our parting spoke to me of whom she had visited in secret many times spoke to me tenderly of s grave with the instinct of her noble heart she touched the of my memory so softly and that not one within me i could listen to the sorrowful distant music and desire to shrink from it awoke how could i when blended with it all was her dear self the better angel of my life of david and you i said by and by tell me of yourself you have hardly ever told me of your own life in all this lapse of time what should i tell she answered with her radiant smile papa is well you see us here quiet in our own home our anxieties set at rest our home restored to us and knowing that dear trot wood you know all all said i she looked at me with some fluttering wonder in her face is there nothing else sister i said her color which had just now faded returned and faded again she smiled with a quiet sadness i thought and shook her head i had sought to lead her to what my aunt had hinted at for sharply painful to me as it must be to receive that confidence i was to discipline my heart and do my duty to her i saw however that she was uneasy and i let it pass you have much to do dear with my school said she looking up again in all her bright composure yes it is laborious is it not the labor is so pleasant she returned that it is scarcely grateful in me to call it by that name nothing good is difficult to you said i her color came and went once more and once more as she bent her head i saw the same sad smile you will wait and see papa said cheerfully and pass the day with us perhaps you will sleep in your own room we always call it yours i could not do that having promised to ride back to my aunt s at night bnt i would pass the day there joyfully i must be a prisoner for a little while said but here are the old books and the old music even the old flowers are here said i looking round or the old kinds i have found a pleasure returned smiling while you have been absent in keeping every thing as it used to be when we were children we were very happy then i think heaven knows we were said i and every little thing that has reminded me of my brother said with her cordial eyes turned cheerfully upon me has been a v companion even this showing me the basket trifle full of keys stiu hanging at her side seems to a kind of old tune she smiled again and went out at the door by which she had come it was for me to guard this affection with religious care it was all that i had left myself and it was a treasure if i once shook the foundations of the sacred confidence and usage in virtue of which it was given to me it was lost and could never be recovered i set this steadily before myself the better i loved her the more it me never to forget it i walked through the streets and once more seeing my old adversary the butcher now a with his staff hanging up
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she put hand in mine and told me she was proud of me and of what i said although i praised her very far beyond her worth then she went on softly playing but without removing her eyes from me do you know what i have heard to night said i strangely seems to be a part of the feeling with which i regarded you when i saw you first with which i sat beside you in my rough school days you knew i had no mother she replied with a smile and felt kindly towards me more than that i knew almost as if i had known this story the personal and experience that there was something gentle and softened surrounding you something that might have been sorrowful in some one else as i can now understand it was but was not so in you she softly played on looking at me still will you laugh at my such fancies no or at my saying that i really believe i felt even then that you could be faithfully affectionate against all and never cease to be so until you ceased to live will you laugh at such a dream oh no oh no for an instant a shadow crossed her face but even in the start it gave me it was gone and she was playing on and looking at me with her own calm smile as i rode back in the lonely night the wind going by me like a restless memory i thought of this and feared she was not happy was not happy but thus far i had faithfully set the seal upon the past and thinking of her pointing upward thought of her as pointing to that sky above me where in the mystery to come i might yet love her with a love unknown on earth and tell her what the strife had been within me when i loved her here chapter i am shown two interesting a time at all events until my book should be completed which would be the work of several months i took up my abode in my aunt s house at and there sitting in the window from which i had looked out at the moon upon the sea when that roof first gave me shelter i quietly pursued my task in of my intention of referring to my own only when their course should incidentally connect itself with the progress of my story i do not enter on the aspirations the delights anxieties and triumphs of my art that i truly devoted myself to it with my strongest earnestness and bestowed upon it every energy of my soul i have already said if the books i have written be of any worth they will supply the rest i shall otherwise have written to poor purpose and the rest will be of interest to no one occasionally i went to london to lose myself in the swarm of life there or to consult with on some business point he had managed for me in my absence with the judgment and my worldly affairs were as my began to bring upon me an enormous quantity of letters from people of whom i had no knowledge chiefly about nothing and extremely to answer i agreed of david witli to have my name painted up on his door there the devoted on that beat delivered of letters for me and there at intervals i labored through them like a home secretary of state without the salary among this correspondence there dropped in every now and then an obliging proposal from one of the numerous always lurking about the to practise under cover of my name if i would take the necessary steps remaining to make a of myself and pay me a on the profits but i declined these offers being already aware that there were plenty of such covert in existence and considering the quite bad enough without my doing anything to make it worse the girls had gone home when my name burst into bloom on s door and the sharp boy looked all day as if he had never heard of shut up in a back room glancing down from her work into a little strip of garden with a pump in it but there i always found her the same bright often humming her when no strange foot was coming up the stairs and the sharp boy in his official closet with melody i wondered at first why i so often found writing in a copy book and why she always shut it up when i appeared and hurried it into the table drawer but the secret soon came out one day who had just come home through the from court took a paper out of his desk and asked me what i thought of that handwriting oh tom cried who was warming his slippers before the fire my dear returned tom in a delighted state why not what do you say to that writing it s legal and formal said i i don t think i ever saw such a stiff hand not like a lady s hand is it said a lady s i repeated bricks and mortar are more like a lady s hand broke into a laugh and informed me that it was s writing that had vowed and declared he would need a clerk soon and she would be that clerk that she had acquired this hand from a pattern and that she could throw off i forget how many an hour was very much confused by my being told all this and said that when tom was made a judge he wouldn t be so ready to proclaim it which tom denied that he should always be equally proud of it under all circumstances what a thoroughly good and wife she is my
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dear said t when she had gone away laughing my dear returned she is without any exception the dearest girl the way she this place her domestic knowledge economy and order her cheerfulness indeed you have reason to commend her i returned you are a happy fellow i believe you make yourselves and each other two of the happiest people in the world i am sure we are two of the happiest people returned g the history and experience i admit that at all events bless ray soul when i see her getting up by candle light on these dark mornings herself in the day s arrangement going out to market the clerks come into the caring for no weather the most capital little dinners out of the materials making and keeping everything in its right place always so neat and ornamental herself sitting up at night with me if it s ever so late sweet tempered and encouraging always and all for me i positively sometimes can t believe it he was tender of the very slippers she had been warming aa he put them on and stretched his feet upon the i positively sometimes can t believe it said then our pleasures dear me they are but they are quite wonderful when we are at home here of an evening and shut the outer door and draw those curtains which she made where could we be more snug when it s fine and we go out for a walk in the evening the streets abound in enjoyment for us we look into the glittering windows of the shops and i show which of the diamond eyed up on white satin rising grounds i would give her if i could afford it and shows me which of the gold watches that are and and engine turned and possessed of the escape movement and all sorts of things she would buy for me if she could afford it and we pick out the and forks fish butter knives and we should both prefer if we could both afford it and really we go away as if we had got them then when we stroll into the squares and great streets and see a house to let sometimes we look up at it and say how would that do if i was made a judge and we parcel it out such a room for us such rooms for the girls and so forth until we settle to our satisfaction that it would do or it wouldn t do as the case may be sometimes we go at half price to the pit of the theatre the very smell of which is cheap in my opinion at the money and there we thoroughly enjoy the play which believes every word of and so do i in walking home perhaps we buy a little bit of something at a cook s shop or a little at the s and bring it here and make a splendid supper about what we have seen now you know if i was lord we couldn t do this you would do something whatever you my dear thought i that would be pleasant and amiable and by the way i said aloud i suppose you never draw any now replied laughing and i can t wholly deny that i do my dear for being in one of the back rows of the king s bench the other day with a pen in my hand the fancy came into my head to try how i had preserved that accomplishment and i am afraid there s a skeleton in a wig on the ledge of the after we had both laughed heartily wound up by looking with a smile at the fire and saying in liis way old i have a letter from that old here said i for i never was less disposed to forgive him the way he used to than when i saw so ready to forgive him himself from the exclaimed no among the persons who are attracted to me in my rising fame and op fortune said t looking over my letters and who discover tliat they were always much attached to me is the self same he is not a now he is retired he is a magistrate i thought might be surprised to hear it but h was not so at all how do you suppose he comes to be a magistrate said i oh dear me replied it would be very difficult to answer that question perhaps he for somebody or lent money to somebody or bought something of somebody or otherwise obliged somebody or for somebody who knew somebody who got the lieutenant of the county to him for the commission on the commission he is at any rate said i and he writes to me here that he will be glad to show me in operation the only true system of prison discipline the only way of making sincere and lasting and you is by solitary confinement what do you say to the system inquired looking grave no to my accepting the offer and your going with me i don t object said then i write to say so yoa remember to say nothing of our treatment this same turning his son out of doors suppose and the life he used to lead his wife and daughter perfectly said yet if you read his letter you find he is the tenderest of men to prisoners convicted of the whole of said i though i can t find that his tenderness extends to any other class of created beings shrugged his shoulders and was not at all i had not expected him to be and was not surprised myself or my observation of similar practical would have been but scanty we arranged the time of our visit and i wrote accordingly to mr
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that evening on the appointed i think it was the next but no matter and i repaired to the prison where mt was powerful it was an immense and solid buildings erected at a vast expense i could not help thinking as we approached the gate what an uproar would have been made in the country if any man had proposed to spend one half the money it had cost on the of an school for the young or a house of refuge for the deserving old in aa office that might have been on the ground floor of the tower of it was so constructed we were presented to our old who was one of a group composed of two or three of the sort of and some visitors they had brought he received me like a man who had formed my mind in years and had always loved me tenderly on my introducing mr expressed in like manner but in an inferior degree that he had always been s guide philosopher and friend our venerable was a great deal older and not improved in appearance his face was as fiery as ever his eyes were as small and rather deeper set the scanty wet looking the personal history and experience grey hair by i remembered him was almost gone and the thick veins in his bald head were none the more agreeable to look at after some conversation among these gentlemen from which i might have supposed that there was nothing in the world to be taken into account but the supreme comfort of prisoners at any expense and nothing on the wide earth to be done outside prison doors we began our inspection it being then just dinner time we went first into the great kitchen where every prisoner s was in course of being set out separately to be handed to him in his cell with the regularity and precision of clock work i said aside to that i wondered whether it occurred to anybody that there was a striking contrast between these plentiful of choice quality and the dinners not to say of but of soldiers sailors the great bulk of the honest working community of whom not one man in five hundred ever dined half so well but i learned that the system required high living and in short to dispose of the system once for all i found that on that head and on all others the system put an end to all doubts and disposed of all nobody appeared to have the least idea that there was any other system but the system to be considered as we were going through some of the magnificent passages i inquired of mr and his friends what were supposed to be the main advantages of this all governing and universally over riding system i found them to be the perfect of prisoners so that no one man in confinement there knew anything about another and the of prisoners to a wholesome state of mind leading to sincere and repentance now it struck me when we began to visit individuals in their and to the passages in which those were and to have the manner of the going to chapel and so forth explained to us that there was a strong probability of the prisoners knowing a good deal about each other and of their carrying on a pretty complete system of intercourse this at the time i write has been proved i believe to be the case but as it would have been flat against the system to have hinted such a doubt then i looked out for the as diligently as i could and here again i had great i found as a fashion in the form of the as i had left outside in the forms of the coats and in the windows of the shops i found a vast amount of profession varying very little in character varying very little which i thought exceedingly suspicious even in words i found a great many whole of inaccessible grapes but i found very few whom i would have trusted within reach of a bunch above all i found that the most men were the greatest objects of interest and that their conceit their vanity their want of excitement and love of deception which many of them possessed to an almost incredible extent as their histories showed all prompted to these professions and were all gratified by them however i heard so repeatedly in the course of our to and fro of a certain number twenty seven who was the favorite and who really appeared to be a model prisoner that i resolved to my judgment until i should see twenty seven twenty eight i understood was also of david a bright particular star but it was liis misfortune to have his glory a little by the extraordinary lustre of twenty seven i heard so much of twenty seven of his pious to everybody around him and of the beautiful letters he constantly wrote to his mother whom he seemed to consider in a very bad way that i became quite impatient to see him i had to restrain my impatience for some time on account of twenty seven being reserved for a concluding effect but at last we came to the door of his cell and mr looking through a little hole in it reported to us in a state of the greatest admiration that he was reading a hymn book there was such a rush of heads immediately to see number twenty seven reading his hymn book that the little hole was blocked up six or seven heads deep to remedy this inconvenience and give us an opportunity of conversing with twenty seven in all his purity mr directed the door of the cell to be unlocked and twenty seven to be invited out into the passage this was
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done and whom should and i then behold to our amazement in this converted number twenty seven but he knew us directly and said as he came with the old how do you do mr how do you do mr this recognition caused a general admiration in the party i rather thought that was struck by his not being proud and taking notice of us well twenty seven said mr mournfully admiring him how do you find yourself to day i am very sir replied you are always so twenty seven said mr here another gentleman asked with extreme anxiety are you quite comfortable yes i thank you sir said looking in that direction far more comfortable here than ever i was outside i see my follies now sir that s what makes me comfortable several gentlemen were much affected and a third forcing himself to the front inquired with extreme how do you find the beef thank you sir replied glancing in the new direction of this voice it was yesterday than i could wish but it s my duty to bear i have committed follies gentlemen said looking round with a meek smile and i ought to bear the consequences without a murmur partly of gratification at twenty seven s celestial state of mind and partly of indignation against the who had given him any cause of complaint a note of which was immediately made by mi having subsided twenty seven stood in the midst of us as if he felt himself the of merit in a highly museum that we the might have an excess of shining upon us all at once orders were given to let out twenty eight i had been so much astonished already that i only felt a kind of resigned wonder when mi walked forth reading a good book the personal history and experience twenty eight said a gentleman in spectacles who had not yet spoken you complained last week my good fellow of the how has it been since i thank you sir said mr it has been better made if i might take the liberty of saying so sir don t think the milk which is boiled with it is quite genuine but i am aware sir that there is great of milk in london and that the article in a pure state is difficult to be obtained it appeared to me that the gentleman in spectacles backed his twenty eight against mr s twenty seven for each of them took his own man in hand what is your state of mind twenty eight said the in spectacles i you sir returned mr i see my follies now sir i am a good deal troubled when i think of the sins of my former sir but i trust they may find forgiveness you are quite happy yourself said the nodding encouragement i am much obliged to you sir returned mr perfectly so is there anything at all on your mind now said the if so mention it twenty eight sir said mr without looking up if my eyes ha e not deceived me there is a gentleman present who was acquainted with me in my former life it may be profitable to that gentleman to know sir that i attribute my past follies entirely to having lived a thoughtless life in the service of young men and to having allowed myself to be led by them into weaknesses which i had not the strength to resist i hope that gentleman will take warning sir and will not be at my freedom it is for his good i am conscious of my own past follies i hope he may repent of all the wickedness and sin to which he has been a party i observed that several gentlemen were their eyes each with one hand as if they had just come into church this does you credit twenty eight returned the i should have expected it of you is there anything else sir returned mr slightly lifting up his eyebrows but not his eyes there was a young woman who fell into courses that i endeavoured to save sir but could not rescue i beg that gentleman if he has it in his power to inform that young woman from me that i forgive her her bad conduct towards myself and that i call her to repentance if he will be so good i have no doubt twenty eight returned the that the gentleman you refer to feels very strongly as we all must what you have so properly said we will not detain you i thank you sir said mr gentlemen i wish you a good day and hoping you and your families will also see your wickedness and with this number twenty eight retired after a glance between him and as if they were not altogether unknown to each through of david some medium of communication and a murmur went round the group as his door shut upon him that he was a most respectable man and a beautiful case now twenty seven said mr entering on a clear stage with his man is there anything that any one can do for you if so mention it i would ask sir returned with a jerk of his head for leave to write again to mother it shall certainly be granted said mr thank you sir i am anxious about mother i am afraid she ain t safe somebody asked what from but there was a whisper of hush safe sir returned in the direction of the voice i should wish mother to be got into my state i never should have been got into my present state if i hadn t come i wish mother had come here it would be better for everybody if they got took up and was brought here this sentiment gave unbounded satisfaction greater satisfaction i think than
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loud the general voice might be in giving me encouragement and however fervent the emotions and to which it roused me i heard her word of praise as i heard nothing else at least once a week and sometimes oftener i rode over there and passed the evening i usually rode back at night for the old unhappy sense was always hovering about me now most sorrowfully when i left her and i was glad to be up and out rather than wandering over the past in weary or miserable dreams i wore away the longest part of many wild sad nights in those rides as i went the thoughts that had occupied me in my long absence or if i were to say rather that i listened to the echoes of those thoughts i should better express the truth they spoke to me from afar off i had put them at a distance and accepted my inevitable place when i read to what i wrote when i saw her listening face moved her to smiles or tears and heard her cordial voice so earnest on the of that imaginative world in which i lived i thought what a fate mine might have been but only thought so as i had thought after i was married to what i could have wished my wife to be my duty to who loved me with a love which if i i wronged most and poorly and could never restore my assurance that i who had worked out my own destiny and won what i had set my heart on had no right to murmur and must bear what i felt and what i had learned but i loved her and now it even became some consolation to me vaguely to conceive a distant day when i might it when all this should be over when i could say so it was when i came home and now i am old and i never have loved since i she did not once show me any change in herself what she always had been to me she still was wholly between my aunt and me there had been something in this since the night of my return which i cannot call a restraint or an of the subject so much as an implied understanding that we thought of it r r the personal history and experience together but did not shape our thoughts into words when according to our old custom we sat before the at night we often fell into this train as naturally and as to each other as if we had said so but we preserved an unbroken silence i believed that she had read or partly read my thoughts that night and that she fully comprehended why i gave mine no more distinct expression this christmas time being come and having no new confidence in me a doubt that had several times arisen in my mind whether she could have that perception of the true state of my breast which restrained her with the apprehension of giving me pain began to me heavily if that were so my sacrifice was nothing my obligation to her and every poor action i had shrunk from i was doing i resolved to set this right beyond all doubt if such a barrier were between us to break it down at once with a determined hand it was what lasting reason have i to remember it a cold harsh winter day there had been snow some hours before and it lay not deep but hard frozen on the ground out at sea beyond my window the wind blew from the north i had been thinking of it sweeping over those mountain of snow in then inaccessible to any human foot and had been which was the those solitary regions or a deserted ocean to day trot said my aunt putting her head in at the door yes said i i am going over to it s a good day for a ride i hope your horse may think so too said my aunt but at present he is holding down his head and his ears standing before the door there as if he thought his stable my aunt i may observe allowed my horse on the forbidden ground but had not at all toward the he will be fresh enough presently said i the ride will do his master good at all events observed my aunt glancing at the papers on my table ah child you pass a good many hours here i never thought when i used to read books what work it was to write them it s work enough to read them sometimes i as to the writing it has its own charms aunt ah i see said my aunt ambition love of approbation sympathy and much more i suppose well go along with you do you know anything more said i standing before her she had patted me on the shoulder and sat down in my chair of that attachment of she looked up in my face a little while before replying i think i do trot are you confirmed in your impression i inquired i think i am trot she looked so at me with a kind of doubt or pity or suspense in her affection that i summoned the stronger determination to show her a perfectly cheerful and what is more trot said my aunt yes of david i think is going to be married god bless her said i cheerfully god bless her said my aunt and her husband too i echoed it parted from my aunt went lightly down stairs mounted and rode away there was greater reason than before to do what i had resolved to do how well i recollect the wintry ride the frozen of ice brushed from the blades of gi
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ass by the wind and borne across my face the hard clatter of the horse s hoofs beating a tune upon the ground the stiff soil the snow drift lightly in the chalk pit as the breeze ruffled it the smoking team with the of old hay stopping to breathe on the hill top and shaking their bells the slopes and sweeps of down land lying against the dark sky as if they were drawn on a huge slate i found alone the little girls had gone to their own homes now and she was alone by the fire reading she put down her book on seeing me come in and having welcomed me as usual took her and sat in one of the old fashioned windows i sat beside her on the window seat and we talked of what i was doing and when it would be done and of the progress i had made since my last visit was very cheerful and predicted that i should soon become too famous to be talked to on such subjects so i make the most of the present time you see said and talk to you while i may as i looked at her beautiful face observant of her work she raised her mild clear eyes and saw that i was looking at her you are thoughtful to day trot wood shall i tell you what about i came to tell you she put aside her work as she was used to do when we were seriously discussing anything and gave me her whole attention my dear do you doubt my being true to you no she answered with a look of astonishment do you doubt my being what i always have been to you no she answered as before do you remember that i tried to tell you when i came home what a debt of gratitude i owed you dearest and how fervently i felt towards you i remember it she said gently very well you have a secret said i let me share it she cast down her eyes and trembled i could hardly fail to know even if i had not heard but from other lips than yours which seems strange that there is some one upon whom you have bestowed the treasure of your love do not shut me out of what concerns your happiness so nearly if you can trust me as you say you can and as i know you may let me be your friend your brother in this matter of all others with an appealing almost a glance she rose from the window and hurrying across the room as if without knowing where put her hands before her face and burst into such tears as smote me to the heart and yet they awakened something in me bringing promise to my heart tv r the personal and without my knowing why these tears allied themselves with the quietly sad smile which was so fixed in my remembrance and shook me more with hope than fear or sorrow sister dearest what have i done let me go away i am not well i am not myself i will speak to you by and by another time i will write to you don t speak to me now don t don t i sought to recollect what she had said when i had spoken to her on that former night of her affection no return it seemed a very world that i must search through in a moment i cannot bear to see you so and think that i have been the cause my dearest girl dearer to mc than anything in life if you are unhappy let me share your if you are in need of help or counsel let me try to give it to you if you have indeed a burden on your heart let me try to it for whom do i live now if it is not for you oh spare me i am not myself another time was all i could distinguish was it a selfish error that was leading me away or having once a clue to hope was there something opening to me that i had not dared to think of i must say more i cannot let you leave me so for heaven s sake let us not mistake each other after all these years and all that has come and gone with them i must speak plainly if you have any lingering thought that i could envy the happiness you will confer that i could not resign you to a dearer protector of your own choosing that i could not from my removed place be a contented witness of your joy dismiss it for i don t deserve it i have not suffered quite in vain you have not taught me quite in vain there is no of self in what i feel for you she was quiet now in a little time she turned her pale face towards me and said in a low voice broken here and there but very clear i owe it to your pure friendship for me indeed i do not doubt to tell you you are mistaken i can do no more if i have sometimes in the course of years wanted help and counsel they have come to me if i have sometimes been unhappy the has passed away if i have ever had a burden on my heart it has been for me if i have any secret it is no new one and is not what you suppose i cannot reveal it or divide it it has long been mine and must remain mine stay a moment she going away but i detained her i clasped my arm about her waist in the course of years it is not a new one new thoughts and hopes were ling
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through my mind and all the colors of my life were changing dearest whom i so respect and honor whom i so love when i came here to day i thought that nothing could have this confession from me i thought i have kept it in my bosom all our lives till we were old but if i have indeed any new born hope that i may ever call you something more than sister widely different from sister david her tears fell fast but they were not like she had lately shed and i saw my hope in them ever my guide and best support if you had been more of yourself and less of me when we grew up here together i think my heedless fancy never would have wandered from you but you were so much better than i so necessary to me in every boyish hope and disappointment that to have you to confide in and rely upon in everything became a second nature for the time the first and greater one of loving you as i do still weeping but not sadly joyfully and clasped in my arms as she had never been as i had thought she never was to be when i loved fondly as you know yes she cried earnestly i am glad to know it when i loved her even then my love would have been without your sympathy i had it and it was and when i lost her what should i have been without you still closer in my arms nearer to my heart her trembling hand upon my shoulder her sweet eyes shining through her tears on mine i went away dear loving you i stayed away loving you i returned home loving you and now i tried to tell her of the struggle i had had and the conclusion i had come to i tried to lay my mind before her truly and entirely i tried to show her how i had hoped i had come into the better knowledge of myself and of her how i had resigned myself to what that better knowledge brought and how i ha come there even that day in my fidelity to this if she did so love me i said that she could take me for her husband she could do so on no deserving of mine except upon the truth of my love for her and the trouble in which it had to be what it was and hence it was that i revealed it and even out of thy true eyes in that same time the spirit of my child wife looked upon me saying it was well and winning me through thee to tenderest recollections of the blossom that had withered in its bloom i am so my heart is so but there is one thing i must say dearest what she laid her gentle hands upon my shoulders and looked calmly in my face do you know yet what it is i am afraid to on what it is tell me my dear i have loved you all my life o we were happy we were happy our tears were not for the trials so much the greater through which we had come to be thus but for the rapture of being thus never to be divided more we walked that winter evening in the fields together and the blessed calm within us seemed to be by the frosty air the early stars began to shine while we were lingering on and looking up to them we thanked our god for having guided us to this tranquillity we stood together in the same old fashioned window at night when the personal history and experience the moon was shining with her quiet eyes raised up to it i following her glance long miles of road then opened out before my mind and toiling on i saw a ragged way worn boy forsaken and neglected who should come to call even the heart now beating against mine his own it was nearly dinner time next day when we appeared before my aunt she was up in my study said which it was her pride to keep in readiness and order for me we found her in her spectacles sitting by the fire goodness me said my aunt peering through the dusk who s this you re bringing home said i as we had arranged to say nothing at first my aunt was not a little she darted a hopeful glance at me when i said but seeing that i looked as usual she took off her spectacles in despair and rubbed her nose with them she greeted heartily nevertheless and we were soon in the lighted parlor down stairs at dinner my aunt put on her spectacles twice or thrice to take another look at me but as often took them off again disappointed and rubbed her nose with them much to the discomfiture of mr dick who knew this to be a bad symptom by the by aunt said i after dinner i have been speaking to about what you told me then trot said my aunt turning scarlet you did and broke your promise you are not angry aunt i trust i am sure you won t be when you learn that is not unhappy in any attachment stuff and nonsense said my aunt as my aunt appeared to be annoyed i thought the best way was to cut her annoyance short i took in my arm to the back of her chair and we both leaned over her my aunt with one clap of her hands and one look through her spectacles immediately went into for the first and only time in all my knowledge of her the called up the moment my aunt was restored she flew at and calling her a silly old creature her
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with all her might after that she mr dick who was highly honored but a good deal surprised and after that told them why then we were all happy together i could not discover whether my aunt in her last short conversation with me had fallen on a pious fraud or had really mistaken the state of my mind it was quite enough she said that she had told me was going to be married and that i now knew better than any one how true it was we were married within a fortnight and and doctor and mrs strong were the only guests at our quiet wedding we left them full of joy and drove away together clasped in my embrace i held the source of every worthy i had ever had the centre of myself the circle of my life my own my wife my love of whom was founded on a rock of david dearest husband said now that i may call you by that name i have one thing more to tell you let me hear it love it grows out of the night when died she sent you for me she did she told me that she left me something can you think what it was i believed i could i drew the wife who had so long loved me closer to my side she told me that she made a last request to me and left me a last charge was that only i would occupy this vacant place and laid her head upon my breast and wept and i wept with her though we were so happy a visitor what i have to record is nearly finished but there is yet an incident conspicuous in my memory on which it often rests with delight and without which one thi in the web i have spun would have a end i had advanced in fame and fortune my domestic joy was perfect i had been married ten happy years and i were sitting by the fire in our house in london one night in spring and three of our children were playing in the room when i was told that a stranger wished to see me he had been asked if he came on business and had answered no he had come for the pleasure of seeing me and had come a long way he was an old man my servant said and looked like a farmer as this sounded mysterious to the children and moreover was like the beginning of a favorite story used to tell them to the arrival of a wicked old i airy in a cloak who hated every body it produced some commotion one of our boys laid his head in his mother s lap to be out of harm s and little our eldest child left her doll in a chair to represent and thrust out her little heap of golden curls from between the window curtains to see what happened next let him come in here said i there soon appeared pausing in the dark doorway as he entered a hale grey haired old man little attracted by his looks had run to bring him in and i had not yet clearly seen his face when my wife starting up cried out to me in a pleased and agitated voice that it was mr the history experience it mr an old man now but in a ruddy strong old age when our first emotion was over and he sat before the fire with the children on his knees and the blaze shining on his face he looked to me as vigorous and robust withal as handsome an old man as ever i had seen r said he and the old name in the old tone fell so naturally on my ear r tis a joyful hour as i see you once more long with your own wife a joyful hour indeed old friend cried i and these pretty ones said mr to look at these flowers why r you was but the of the of these when i first see you when em ly warn t no bigger and our poor lad were hut a lad time has changed me more than it has changed you since then said i but let these dear go to bed and as no house in england but this must hold you tell me where to send for your luggage is the old black bag among it that went so far i wonder and then over a glass of we will have the tidings of ten years are you alone asked yes ma am he said kissing her hand quite alone we sat liim between us not knowing how to give welcome enough and as i began to listen to his old familiar voice i could have fancied he was still pursuing his long journey in search of his darling niece it s a of water said mr fur to come across and on y stay a matter of weeks but water specially when tis salt comes to me and friends is dear and i am which is verse said mr surprised to find it out though i hadn t intentions are you going back those many thousand miles so soon asked yes ma am he returned i the promise to em ly afore i come away you see i t grow younger as the years comes round and if i hadn t sailed as twas most like i shouldn t never have done t and it s been on my mind as i must come and see r and your own sweet blooming self in your wedded happiness afore i got to be too old pie looked at us as if he could never feast his eyes on us sufficiently put back some scattered locks of his grey hair that he might see us better and now tell us
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wiping his face when we were quite exhausted she has been all she said she d be to us and more she s the the the woman r as ever draw d the breath of life i have never know d her to be lone and for a single minute not even when the colony was all afore us and we was new to it and thinking of the old un is a thing she never done i do assure you since she left england now last not least mr said i he has paid off every obligation he incurred here even to s bill you remember my dear and therefore we may take it for granted that he is doing well but what is the latest news of him mr with a smile put his hand in his breast pocket and produced a flat folded paper parcel from which he took out much care a little odd looking newspaper you are to r he as we have left the bush now being so well to do and have gone right away round to port harbor s what ice call a town mr was in the bush near you said i bless you yes said mr and turned to with a will i never wish to meet a better gen for turning to with a will i ve seen that bald head of his a in the sun r of david till i a most it would have melted away and now he s a magistrate a magistrate eh said i mr pointed to a certain paragraph in the newspaper where i read aloud as follows from the port times j the public dinner to our distinguished fellow and port district magistrate came off yesterday in the large room of the hotel which was crowded to it is estimated that not fewer than forty seven persons must have been with dinner at one time exclusive of the company in the passage and on the stairs the beauty fashion and of port to do honor to one so esteemed so highly and so widely popular doctor of house grammar school port presided and on his right sat the distinguished guest after the removal of the cloth and the singing of non beautifully executed and in which we were at no loss to distinguish the bell like notes of that gifted amateur ber junior the usual loyal and patriotic were given and received doctor in a speech with feeling then proposed our distinguished guest the ornament of our town may he never leave us but to better himself and may his success among us be such as to render his himself impossible the cheering with which the toast was received description again and again it rose and fell like the waves of ocean at length all was hushed and presented himself to return thanks ear be it from us in the present comparatively imperfect state of the resources of our establishment to endeavour to follow our distinguished through the periods of his polished and highly address suffice it to observe that it was a of eloquence and that those passages in which he more particularly traced his own successful career to its source and warned the younger portion of his from the of ever pecuniary which they were unable to brought a tear into the eye present the remaining were doctor mrs gracefully bowed her from the side door where a of beauty was elevated on chairs at once to witness and adorn the gratifying scene mrs late miss mrs junior who the assembly by remarking that he found himself unable to return thanks in a speech but would do so with their permission in a song mrs s family it is needless to remark in the mother country c c c at the conclusion of the proceedings the tables were cleared as if by for dancing among the of who themselves until gave warning for departure junior and the lovely and accomplished miss fourth daughter of doctor were particularly remarkable i was looking back to the name of doctor pleased to have g the personal history and experience discovered in these happier circumstances mr formerly poor pinched to my magistrate when mr pointing to another part of the paper my eyes rested on my own name and i read thus s to david m the eminent author my dear sir years have elapsed since i had an opportunity of the now familiar to the of a considerable portion of the world but my dear sir though by the force of circumstances over which i have had no from the personal society of the friend and companion of my youth i have not been of his soaring flight nor have i been though seas between us ha roared mi burns from in the intellectual he has spread before us j i cannot therefore allow of the departure from this place of ail individual whom we respect and esteem without my dear sir taking this public opportunity of thanking you on my own behalf and i may undertake to add on that of the whole of the inhabitants of port for the gratification of which you are the agent go on my dear sir you are not unknown here you are not though remote we are neither melancholy nor i may add slow go on my dear sir in your eagle course the inhabitants of port may at least to watch it with delight with entertainment with instruction among the eyes elevated towards you from this portion of the globe will ever be found while it has light and life the eye to s magistrate i found on glancing at the remaining contents of the newspaper that mr was a ind esteemed correspondent of that journal there was another letter from him in the same paper touching a bridge there was an advertisement of a collection of similar letters by
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him to be shortly in a neat volume with considerable additions and unless i am very much mistaken the leading article was his also we talked much of mr on many other evenings while mr remained with us he lived with us during the whole term of his stay which i think was something less than a month and his sister and my aunt came to london to see him and i parted from him when he sailed and we shall never part from him more on earth of david but before he left he went with me to to see a little i had put up in the churchyard to the memory of ham while i was the plain inscription for him at his request i saw him stoop and gather a of grass from the grave and a little earth for em ly he said as he put it in his breast i promised r a last and now my written story ends i look bade once more for the last time before i close these leaves i see myself with at my side along the road of life i see our children and our friends around us and i hear the roar of many voices not to me as i travel on what faces are the most distinct to me in the fleeting crowd lo these all turning to me as i ask my thoughts the question here is my aunt in stronger spectacles an old woman of years and more but upright yet and a steady of six miles at a stretch in winter weather always with her here comes my good old nurse likewise in spectacles accustomed to do at night very close to the lamp but never sitting down to it without a bit of wax candle a yard measure in a little house and a work box with a picture of st paul s upon the lid the cheeks and arms of so hard and red in my childish days when i wondered why the birds didn t her in preference to apples are now and her eyes that used to their whole neighbourhood in her face are fainter though they glitter still but her rough forefinger which i once associated with a pocket is just the same and when i see my least child catching at it as it from my aunt to her i think of our little parlor at home when i could scarcely walk my aunt s old disappointment is set right now she is to a real living and the next in order says she spoils her there is something in s pocket it is nothing smaller than the book which is in rather a condition by this time with divers of the leaves torn and across but which to the children as a precious i find it very curious to see my own infant face looking up at me from the stories and to be reminded by it of my old acquaintance of among my boys this summer holiday time i see an old man making giant and gazing at them in the air with a delight for which there are no words he me and whispers with many the personal history and experience and trot wood you will be glad to hear that i shall finish the memorial when i have nothing else to do and that your aunt s the most extraordinary woman in the world sir who is this bent lady supporting herself by a stick and showing me a countenance in which there are some traces of old pride and beauty feebly with a wandering of the mind is in a garden and near her stands a sharp dark withered woman with a white on her lip let me hear what they say i have forgotten this gentleman s name over her and calls to her mr i am glad to see you sir i am sorry to observe you are in mourning i hope time will be good to you her impatient attendant her tells her i am not in mourning bids her look again tries to rouse her you have seen my son sir says the elder lady ai e you reconciled looking at me she puts her hand to her forehead and suddenly she cries in a terrible voice come to me he is dead kneeling at her feet by turns caresses her and quarrels with her now fiercely telling her i loved him better than you ever did now soothing her to sleep on her breast like a sick child thus i leave them thus i always find them thus they wear their time away from year to year what ship comes sailing home from india and what english lady is this married to a growling old scotch with great of ears can this be mills indeed it is mills and fine with a black man to carry cards and letters to her on a golden and a copper colored woman in linen with a bright handkerchief round her head to serve her in her dressing room but keeps no in these days never sings affection s quarrels with the old scotch who is a sort of yellow bear with a hide is in money to the throat and talks and thinks of nothing else i liked her better in the desert of or perhaps this is the desert of though has a stately house and mighty company and dinners every day i see no green growth near her nothing that can ever come to fruit or flower what calls society i see among it mr jack from his patent place at the hand that gave it him and speaking to me of the doctor as so antique but when society is the name for such hollow gentlemen and ladies and when its breeding is professed indifference to everything that can advance or
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waiter and i my musical breakfast and mr changes at home mrs casts a damp on our departure my magnificent order at the public house i make myself known to my aunt the momentous interview i return to the doctor s after the party somebody turns up i my first fall in life we arrive unexpectedly at mr s fireside i make the acquaintance of miss in hovering near us at the dinner party i i fall into we are disturbed in our xiv list of plates i find mr going out with the tide mr and mrs my aunt me mr and his partner wait upon my aunt mr some remarks makes a figure in parliament and i report him the wanderer and i in conference with the i am married our housekeeping mr dick my aunt s the river mr s dream comes true restoration of mutual confidence between mr and mrs my child wife s old companion i am the bearer of evil tidings the i am shown two interesting a stranger calls to see me line from bottom of page for bo read from bottom of page make the same from bottom of page make the same from top of page make the same twenty lines in advance make the same line from bottom of page for a read personal history and experience david the younger chapter i i am whether i shall turn out to be the hero of my own life or whether that station will be held by anybody else these page must show to begin my life with the beginning of my life i record that i was born as i have been informed and believe on a friday at twelve o clock at night it was remarked that the clock began to strike and i began to cry simultaneously in consideration of the day and hour of my birth it was declared by the nurse and by some sage women in the neighbourhood who had taken a lively interest in me several months before there was any possibility of our becoming personally acquainted first that i was destined to be unlucky in life and secondly that i was privileged to see ghosts and spirits both these gifts inevitably as they believed to all unlucky of either born towards the small hours on a night i need say nothing here on the first head because nothing can show better than my history whether that was or by the result on the second branch of the question i will only remark that unless i ran through that part of my inheritance while i was still a baby i have not come into it yet but i do not at all complain of having been kept out of this property and if anybody else should be in the present enjoyment of it he is heartily welcome to keep it i was born with a which was advertised for sale in the newspapers at the low price of fifteen guineas whether sea going people were short of money about that time or were short of faith and preferred cork i don t know all i know is that there was but one solitary bidding and that was from an attorney connected with the business who offered two pounds in cash and the balance in b the personal history and experience but declined to be from drowning on any higher bargain consequently the advertisement was withdrawn at a dead loss for as to my poor dear mother s own was in the market then and ten years afterwards the was put up in a down in our part of the country to fifty members at half a crown a head the to spend five shillings i was present myself and i remember to have felt quite uncomfortable and confused at a part of myself being disposed of in that way the was won i recollect by an old lady with a hand basket who very reluctantly produced from it the five shillings all in and short as it took an immense time and a great waste of to endeavour without any effect to prove to her it is a fact which will be long remembered as remarkable down there that she was never drowned but died triumphantly in bed at ninety two i have understood that it was to the last her boast that she never had been on the water in her life except upon a bridge and that over her tea to which she was extremely partial she to the last expressed her indignation at the of and others who had the presumption to go about the world it was in vain to represent to her that some tea perhaps included resulted from this objectionable practice she always returned with greater emphasis and with an instinctive knowledge of the strength of her objection let us have no not to myself at present i will go back to my birth i was born at in or thereby as they say in scotland i was a child my father s eyes had closed upon the light of this world six months when mine opened on it there is something strange to me even now in the reflection that he never saw me and something stranger yet in the shadowy remembrance that i have of my first childish associations with his white grave stone in the churchyard and of the compassion i used to feel for it lying out alone there in the dark night when our little parlor was warm and bright with fire and candle and the doors of our house were almost cruelly it seemed to me sometimes bolted and locked against it an aunt of my father s and consequently a great aunt of mine of whom i shall have more to relate by and by was the principal of our family miss or miss as my
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poor mother always called her when she sufficiently overcame her dread of this formidable personage to mention her at all which was seldom had been married to a husband younger than herself who was very handsome except in the sense of the homely handsome is that handsome does for he was strongly suspected of having beaten miss and even of having once on a disputed question of supplies made some hasty but determined arrangements to throw her out of a two pair of stairs window these evidences of an of temper induced miss to pay him off and effect a separation by mutual consent he went to india with his capital and there according to a wild legend in our family he was once seen riding on an elephant in company with a but i think it must have been a or a any how from india of david tidings of his death reached home within ten years how they affected my aunt nobody knew for immediately upon the separation she took her maiden name again bought a cottage in a hamlet on the sea coast a long way off established herself there as a single woman with one servant and was understood to live secluded ever afterwards in an retirement my father had once been a favorite of hers i believe but she was by his marriage on the ground that my mother was a wax doll she had never seen my mother but she knew her to be not yet twenty my father and miss never met again he was double my mother s age when he married and of but a delicate constitution he died a year afterwards and as i have said six months before i came into the world this was the state of matters on the afternoon of what i may be excused for calling that and important friday i can make no claim therefore to have known at that time how matters stood or to have any remembrance founded on the evidence of my own senses of what follows my mother was sitting by the fire but poorly in health and very low in spirits looking at it through her tears and heavily about herself and the little stranger who was already welcomed by some of prophetic pins in a drawer up stairs to a world not at all excited on the subject of his arrival my mother i say was sitting by the fire that bright windy march afternoon very timid and sad and very doubtful of ever coming alive out of the trial that was before her when lifting her eyes as she dried them to the window opposite she saw a strange lady coming up the garden my mother had a sure at the second glance that it was miss the setting sun was glowing on the strange lady over the garden fence and she came walking up to the door with a fell of figure and composure of countenance that could have belonged to nobody else when she reached the house she gave another proof of her identity my father had often hinted that she seldom conducted herself like any ordinary christian and now instead of ringing the bell she came and looked in at that identical window pressing the end of her nose against the glass to that extent that my poor dear mother used to say it became perfectly flat and white in a moment she gave my mother such a turn that i have always been convinced i am indebted to miss for having been born on a friday my mother had left her chair in her agitation and gone behind it in the corner miss looking round the room slowly and began on the other side and carried her eyes on like a s head in a dutch clock until they reached my mother then she made a frown and a gesture to my mother like one who was accustomed to be obeyed to come and open the door my mother went mrs david i think said miss the emphasis referring perhaps to my mother s mourning weeds and her condition yes said my mother faintly b the personal history and experience miss said the visitor you have heard of her i dare say my mother answered she had had that pleasure and she had a disagreeable consciousness of not appearing to imply that it had been an overpowering pleasure now you see her said miss my mother bent her head and begged her to walk in they went into the parlor my mother had come from the fire in the best room on the other side of the passage not being not having been lighted indeed since my father s funeral and when they were both seated and miss said nothing my mother after vainly trying to restrain herself began to cry oh tut tut tut said miss in a hurry don t do that come come my mother couldn t help it notwithstanding so she cried until she had had her cry out take off your cap child said miss and let me see you my mother was too much afraid of her to refuse compliance with this odd request if she had any disposition to do so therefore she did as she was told and did it with such nervous hands that her hair which was luxuriant and beautiful fell all about her face why bless my heart exclaimed miss you are a very baby my mother was no doubt unusually youthful in appearance even for her years she hung her head as if it were her fault poor thing and said sobbing that indeed she was afraid she was but a childish widow and would be but a childish mother if she lived in a short pause which ensued she had a fancy that she felt miss touch her hair and that with no hand but looking at
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her in her timid hope she found that lady sitting with the skirt of her dress tucked up her hands folded on one knee and her feet upon the frowning at the fire in the name of heaven said miss suddenly why do you mean the house ma am asked my mother why said miss would have been more to the purpose if you had had any practical ideas of life either of you the name was mr s choice returned my mother when he bought the house he liked to think that there were about it the evening wind made such a disturbance just now among some tall old elm trees at the bottom of the garden that neither my mother nor miss could forbear glancing that way as the elms bent to one another like giants who were whispering secrets and after a few seconds of such repose fell into a violent tossing their wild arms about as if their late confidences were really too wicked for their peace of mind some weather beaten ragged old nests their higher branches swung like upon a stormy sea where are the birds asked miss of david the my mother had been thinking of something else the what has become of them asked miss there have not been any since we have lived here said my mother we thought mr thought it was quite a large but the nests were very old ones and the birds have deserted them a long while david all over cried miss david from head to foot calls a house a when there s not a near it and takes the birds on trust because he sees the nests mr returned my mother is dead and if you dare to speak of him to me my poor dear mother i suppose had some momentary intention of committing an assault and battery upon my aunt who could easily have settled her with one hand even if my mother had been in far better training for such an encounter than she was that evening but it passed with the action of rising from her chair and she sat down again very meekly and fainted when she came to herself or when miss had restored her whichever it was she found the latter standing at the window the twilight was by this time down into darkness and dimly as they saw each other they could not have done that without the aid of the fire well said miss coming back to her chair as if she had only been taking a casual look at the prospect and when do you expect i am all in a tremble faltered my mother i don t know what s the matter i shall die i am no no no said miss have some tea oh dear me dear me do you think it will do me any good cried my mother in a helpless manner of course it will said miss it s nothing but fancy what do you call your girl i don t know that it will be a girl yet ma am said my mother innocently bless the baby exclaimed miss unconsciously quoting the second sentiment of the in the drawer up stairs but applying it to my mother instead of me i don t mean that i mean your servant girl said my mother repeated miss with some indignation do you mean to say child that any human being has gone into a christian church and got herself named it s her said my mother faintly mr called her by it because her christian name was the same as mine here cried miss opening the parlor door f tea your mistress is a little don t having issued this with as much as if she had been a recognised authority in the house ever since it had been a house and having looked out to the amazed coming along the passage with a candle at the sound of a strange voice miss shut the personal history and experience the door again and sat down as before with her feet on the the skirt of her dress tucked up and her hands folded on one knee you were speaking about its being a girl said miss i have no doubt it will be a girl i have a that it must be a girl now child from the moment of the birth of this girl perhaps boy my mother took the liberty of putting in i tell you i have a that it must be a girl returned miss don t contradict from the moment of this girl s birth child i intend to be her friend i intend to be her and i beg you ll call her there must be no mistakes in life with this there must be no trifling with her affections poor dear she must be well brought up and well guarded from any foolish confidences where they are not deserved i must make that my care there was a of miss s head after each of these sentences as if her own old wrongs were working within her and she repressed any reference to them by strong so my mother suspected at least as she observed her by the low glimmer of the fire too much scared by miss too uneasy in herself and too subdued and bewildered altogether to observe anything very clearly or to know what to say and was david good to you child asked miss when she had been silent for a little while and these motions of her head had gradually ceased were you comfortable together we were very happy said my mother mr was only too good to me what he spoilt you i suppose returned miss for being quite alone and dependent on myself in this rough world again yes i fear he did indeed sobbed my mother well don t cry
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said miss you were not equally matched child if any two people can be equally matched and so i asked the question you were an orphan weren t you yes and a i was nursery in a family where mr came to visit mr was very kind to me and took a great deal of notice of me and paid me a good deal of attention and at last proposed to me and i accepted him and so we were married said my mother simply ha poor baby mused miss with her frown still bent upon the fire do you know anything i beg your pardon ma am faltered my mother about keeping house for instance said miss not much i fear returned my mother not so much as i could wish but mr was teaching me much he knew about it himself said miss in a and i hope i should have improved being very anxious to learn and he very patient to teach if the great misfortune of his death my mother broke down again here and get no farther of david well well said miss i kept my housekeeping book regularly and balanced it with mr every night cried my mother in another burst of distress and breaking down again well well said miss don t cry any more and i am sure we never had a word of difference respecting it except when mr objected to my and being too each other or to my putting curly tails to my and resumed my mother in another burst and breaking down again you ll make yourself ill said miss and you know that will not be good either for you or for my god daughter come you mustn t this argument had some share in my mother though her increasing perhaps had a larger one there was an interval of silence only broken by miss s occasionally ha as she sat with her feet upon the david had bought an for himself with his money i know said she by and by what did he do for you mr said my mother answering with some difficulty was so considerate and good as to secure the of a part of it to me how much asked miss a hundred and five pounds a year said my mother he might have done worse said my aunt the word was appropriate to the moment my mother was so much worse that coming in with the and candles and seeing at a glance how ill she was as miss might have done sooner if there had been light enough conveyed her up stairs to her own room with all speed and immediately ham her nephew who had been for some days past in the house unknown to my mother as a special messenger in case of emergency to fetch the nurse and doctor those allied powers were considerably astonished when they arrived within a few minutes of each other to find an unknown lady of appearance sitting before the fire with her bonnet tied over her left arm stopping her ears with cotton knowing nothing about her and my mother saying nothing about her she was quite a mystery in the parlor and the fact of her having a magazine of cotton in her pocket and sticking the article in her ears in that way did not from the solemnity of her presence the doctor having been up stairs and come down again and having satisfied himself i suppose that there was a probability of this unknown lady and himself having to sit there face to face for some hours laid himself out to be polite and social he was the of his sex the of little men he in and out of a room to take up the less space he walked as softly as the ghost in hamlet and more slowly he carried his head on one side partly in modest of himself partly in modest of everybody else it is nothing to say that he hadn t a word to throw at a dog he couldn t have the personal history and experience thrown a word at a mad dog he might have offered him one gently or half a one or a fragment of one for he spoke as slowly as he walked but he wouldn t have been rude to him and he couldn t have been quick with him for any earthly consideration mr looking mildly at my aunt with his head on one side and making her a little bow said in allusion to the cotton as he softly touched his left ear some local irritation ma am what replied my aunt pulling the cotton out of one ear like a cork mr was so alarmed by her as he told my mother afterwards that it was a mercy he didn t lose his presence of mind but he repeated sweetly some local irritation ma am nonsense replied my aunt and herself again at one blow mr could do nothing after this but sit and look at her feebly as she sat and looked at the fire until he was called up stairs again after some quarter of an hour s absence he returned well said my aunt taking the cotton out of the ear nearest to him well ma am returned mr we are we are slowly ma am ba a ah said my aunt with a perfect shake on the contemptuous and herself as before really as mr told my mother he was almost shocked speaking in a professional point of view alone he was almost shocked but he sat and looked at her notwithstanding for nearly two hours as she sat looking at the fire until he was again called out after another absence he again returned well said my aunt taking out
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the cotton on that side again well ma am returned mr we are we are slowly ma am a ah said my aunt with such a at him that mr absolutely could not bear it it was really calculated to break ins spirit he said afterwards he preferred to go and sit upon the stairs in the dark and a strong draught until he was again sent for ham who went to the national school and was a very at his and who may therefore be regarded as a witness reported next day that happening to peep in at the parlor door an hour after this he was instantly by miss then walking to and fro in a state of agitation and upon before he could make his escape that there were now occasional sounds of feet and voices overhead which he inferred the cotton did not from the circumstance of his evidently being clutched by the lady as a victim on whom to her agitation when the sounds were that marching him constantly up and down by the collar as if he had been taking too much she at those times shook him his hair made light of his linen stopped his ears as if she confounded them of david with her own and otherwise and him this was in part confirmed by his aunt who saw him at hall past twelve o clock soon after his release and affirmed that he was then as red as i was the mild mr could not possibly bear malice at such a time if at any time he into the parlor as soon as he was at liberty and said to my aunt in his manner well ma am i am happy to congratulate you what upon said my aunt sharply mr was fluttered again by the extreme severity of my aunt s manner so he made her a httle bow and gave her a little smile to her mercy on the man what s he doing cried my aunt impatiently can the speak be calm my dear ma am said mr in his accents there is no longer any occasion for uneasiness ma am be calm it has since been considered almost a miracle that my aunt didn t shake him and shake what he had to say out of him she only shook her own head at him but in a way that made him well ma am resumed mr as soon as he had courage i am happy to congratulate you all is now over ma am and well over during the five minutes or so that mr devoted to the delivery of this my aunt eyed him narrowly how is she said my aunt folding her arms with her bonnet still tied on one of them well ma am she will soon be quite comfortable i hope returned mr quite as comfortable as we can expect a young mother to be under these melancholy domestic circumstances there cannot be any objection to your seeing her presently ma am it may do her good and she how is she said my aunt sharply mr laid his head a little more on one side and looked at my aunt like an amiable bird the baby said my aunt how is she ma am returned mr i apprehended you had known it s a boy my aunt said never a word but took her bonnet by the strings in the manner of a aimed a blow at mr s head with it put it on bent walked out and never came back she vanished like a discontented fairy or like one of those supernatural beings whom it was supposed i was entitled to see and never came back any more no i lay in my basket and my mother lay in her bed but was for ever in the land of dreams and shadows the tremendous region whence i had so lately travelled and the light upon the window of our room shone out upon the earthly of all such travellers and the mound above the ashes and the dust that once was he without whom i had never been the personal history and experience chapter ii i observe the first objects that assume a distinct presence before me as i look far back into the blank of my infancy are my mother with her pretty hair and youthful shape and with no shape at all and eyes so dark that they seemed to their whole neighbourhood in her face and cheeks and arms so hard and red that i wondered the birds didn t her in preference to apples i believe i can remember these two at a httle distance apart to my sight by stooping down or kneeling on the floor and i going from the one to the other i have an impression on my mind which i cannot distinguish from actual remembrance of the touch of s fore finger as she used to hold it out to me and of its being by like a pocket this may be fancy though i think the memory of most of us can go farther back into such times than many of us suppose just as i believe the power of observation in numbers of very young children to be quite wonderful for its and accuracy indeed i think that most grown men who are remarkable in this respect may with greater propriety be said not to have lost the faculty than to have acquired it the rather as i generally observe such men to retain a certain freshness and gentleness and capacity of being pleased which are also an inheritance they have preserved from their childhood i might have a that i am in stopping to say this but that it brings me to remark that i build these conclusions in part upon my own experience of myself and if it should appear from anything
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i may set down in this narrative that i was a child of close observation or that as a man i have a strong memory of my childhood i undoubtedly lay claim to both of these characteristics looking back as i was saying into the blank of my infancy the first objects i can remember as standing out by themselves from a confusion of things are my mother and what else do i remember let me see there comes out of the cloud our house not new to me but quite familiar in its earliest remembrance on the ground floor is s kitchen opening into a back yard with a pigeon house on a pole in the centre without any in it a great dog in a corner without any dog and a quantity of fowls that look terribly tall to me walking about in a menacing and ferocious manner there is one cock who gets upon a post to crow and seems to take particular notice of me as i look at him through the kitchen window who makes me shiver he is so fierce of the outside the side gate who come after me with their long necks stretched out when i go that way i dream at night as a man by wild beasts might dream of lions ur a op david here is a long passage what an enormous perspective i make of it leading from s kitchen to the front door a dark store room opens out of it and that is a place to be run past at night for i don t know what may be among those and and old tea when there is nobody in there with a burning light letting a air come out at the door in which there is the smell of soap candles and coffee all at one then there are the two the parlor in which we sit of an evening my mother and i and for is quite our companion when her work is done and we are alone and the best parlor where we sit on a sunday but not so comfortably there is something of a air about that room to me for has told me i don t know when but apparently ages go about my father s funeral and the company having their black put on one sunday night my mother reads to and me in there how was raised up from the dead and i am so frightened that they are afterwards obliged to take me out of bed and me the quiet churchyard out of the bedroom window with the dead all lying in their graves at rest below the solemn moon there is nothing half so green that i know anywhere as the grass of that churchyard nothing half so shady as its trees nothing half so quiet as its the sheep are feeding there when i kneel up early in the morning in my little bed in a closet within my mother s room to look out at it and i see the red light shining on the sun dial and think within myself is the sun dial glad i wonder that it can tell the time again here is our in the church what a high backed with a window near it out of which our house can be seen and is seen many times during the morning s service by who likes to make herself as sure as she can that it s not being robbed or is not in flames but though s eye she is much offended if mine does and to me as i stand upon the seat that i am to look at the clergyman but i can t always look at him i know him without that white thing on and i am afraid of his wondering why i stare so and perhaps stopping the service to and what am i to do it s a dreadful thing to but i must do something i look at my mother but she not to see me i look at a boy in the aisle and he makes faces at me i look at the sunlight coming in at the open door through the porch and there i see a stray sheep i don t mean a sinner but mutton half making up his mind to come into the church i feel that if i looked at him any longer i might be tempted to say something out loud and what would become of me then i look up at the on the wall and try to think of mr late of this parish and what the feelings of mrs must have been when affliction sore long time mr bore and were in vain i wonder whether they called in mr and he was in vain and if so how he likes to be reminded of it once a week i look from mr in his sunday to the pulpit and think what a good place it would be to play in and what a castle it would make with another boy coming up the stairs to attack it and the personal history and experience having the velvet cushion with the thrown down on his head in time my eyes gradually shut up and from seeming to hear the clergyman singing a drowsy song in the heat i hear nothing until i fall off the seat with a crash and am taken out more dead than alive by and now i see the outside of our house with the standing open to let in the sweet smelling air and the ragged old nests still dangling in the elm trees at the bottom of the front garden now i am in the garden at the back beyond the yard where the empty pigeon house and dog are a very
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preserve of as i remember it with a high fence and a gate and where the fruit clusters on the trees and richer than fruit has ever been since in any other garden and where my mother some in a basket while i stand by and trying to look unmoved a great wind rises and the summer is gone in a moment we are playing in the winter dancing about the parlor when my mother is out of breath and rests herself in an elbow chair i watch her winding her bright curls round her fingers and her waist and nobody knows better than i do that she likes to look so well and is proud of being so pretty that is among my very earliest impressions that and a sense that we were both a little afraid of and submitted ourselves in most things to her direction were among the first opinions if they may be so called that i ever derived from what i saw and i were sitting one night by the parlor fire alone i had been reading to about i must have read very or the poor soul must have been deeply interested for i remember she had a cloudy impression after i had done that they were a sort of vegetable i was tired of reading and dead sleepy but having leave as a high treat to sit up until my mother came home from spending the evening at a neighbour s i would rather have died upon my post of course than have gone to bed i had reached that stage of when seemed to swell and grow immensely large i propped my eyelids open with my two and looked at her as she sat at work at the little bit of wax candle she kept for her thread how old it looked being so wrinkled in all directions at the little house with a roof where the yard measure lived at her work box with a sliding lid with a view of saint paul s cathedral with a pink dome painted on the top at the brass on her finger at herself whom i thought lovely i felt so sleepy that i knew if i lost sight of anything for a moment i was gone says i suddenly were you ever married lord master replied what s put marriage in your head she answered with such a start that it quite awoke me and then she stopped in her work and looked at me with her needle drawn out to its thread s length but were you ever married says i you are a very handsome woman an t you oe david i thought her in a different style from my mother certainly but of another school of beauty i considered her a perfect example there was a red velvet in the best parlor on which my mother had painted a the ground work of that stool and s complexion appeared to me to be one and the same thing the stool was smooth and was rough but that made no difference me handsome said no my dear but what put marriage in your head i don t know you mustn t marry more than one person at a time may you certainly not says with the decision but if you marry a person and the person dies why then you may marry another person t you you may says if you choose my dear that s a matter of opinion but what is your opinion said i i asked her and looked curiously at her because she looked so curiously at me my opinion is said taking her eyes from me after a little and going on with her work that i never was married myself master and that i don t expect to be that s all i know about the subject you an t cross i suppose are you said i after sitting quiet for a minute i really thought she was she had been so short with me but i was quite mistaken for she laid aside her work which was a of her own and opening her arms wide took my curly head within them and gave it a good squeeze i know it was a good squeeze because being very plump whenever she made any little exertion after she was dressed some of the buttons on the back of her gown flew off and i recollect two bursting to the opposite side of the parlor while she was me now let me hear some more about the said who was not quite right in the name yet for i an t heard half enough i couldn t quite understand why looked so queer or why she was so ready to go back to the however we returned to those monsters with fresh on my part and we left their eggs in the sand for the sun to and we ran away from them and baffled them by constantly turning which they were unable to do quickly on account of their make and we went into the water after them as natives and put sharp pieces of timber down their throats and in short we ran the whole i did at least but i had my doubts of who was thoughtfully sticking her needle into various parts of her face and arms all the time we had exhausted the and begun with the when the garden bell rang we went out to the door and there was my mother looking unusually pretty i thought and with her a gentleman with black hair and whiskers who had walked home with us from church last sunday the personal history and experience as my mother stooped down on the to take me in her arms and kiss me the gentleman said i was a more highly privileged little fellow than a monarch or something
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like that for my later understanding comes i am sensible to my aid here what does that mean i asked him over her shoulder he patted me on the head but somehow i didn t like him or his deep voice and i was jealous that his hand should touch my mother s iu touching me which it did i put it away as well as i could oh remonstrated my mother dear boy said the gentleman i cannot wonder at his devotion i never saw a beautiful color on my mother s face before she gently me for being rude and keeping me close to her shawl turned to thank the gentleman for taking so much trouble as to bring her home she put out her hand to him as she spoke and as he met it with his own she glanced i thought at me let us say good night my fine boy said the gentleman when he had bent his head i saw him over my mother s little glove said i come let us be the best friends in the world said the gentleman laughing shake hands my right hand was in my mother s left so i gave him the other why that s the wrong hand laughed the gentleman my mother drew my right hand forward but i was resolved for my former reason not to give it him and i did not i gave him the other and he shook it heartily and said i was a brave fellow and went away at this minute i see him turn round in the garden and give us a last look with his ill black eyes before the door was shut who had not said a word or moved a finger secured the instantly and we all went into the parlor my mother contrary to her usual habit instead of coming to the elbow chair by the fire remained at the other end of the room and sat singing to herself hope you have had a pleasant evening ma am said standing as stiff as a barrel in the centre of the room with a in her hand much obliged to you returned my mother in a cheerful voice i have had a very pleasant evening a stranger or so makes an agreeable change suggested a very agreeable change indeed returned my mother continuing to stand motionless in the middle of the room and my mother her singing i fell asleep though i was not so sound asleep but that i could hear voices without hearing what they said when i half awoke from this uncomfortable dose i found and my mother both in tears and both talking not such a one as this mr wouldn t have liked said that i say and that i swear good heavens cried my mother you drive me mad was ever any poor girl so ill used by her servants as i am why do i do myself the injustice of calling myself a girl have i never been married op david god knows you have ma am returned then how can you dare said my mother you know i don t mean how can you dare but how can you have the heart to make me so uncomfortable and say such bitter things to me when you are well aware that i haven t out of this place a single friend to turn to the more s the reason returned for saying that it won t do no that it won t do no no price could make it do no i thought would have thrown the away she was so emphatic with it how can you be so said my mother shedding more tears than before as to talk in such an unjust manner how can you go on as if it was all settled and arranged when i tell you over and over again you cruel thing that beyond the commonest nothing has passed you talk of admiration what am i to do if people are so silly as to indulge the sentiment is it my fault what am i to do i ask you would you wish me to my head and black my face or myself with a burn or a or something of that sort i i dare say you would i dare say you d quite enjoy it seemed to take this very much to heart i thought and my dear boy cried my mother coming to the elbow chair in which i was and caressing me my own little is it to be hinted to me that i am wanting in for my precious treasure the dearest little fellow that ever was nobody never went and hinted no such a thing said you did returned my mother you know you did what else was it possible to infer from what you said unkind creature when you know as well as i do that on his account only last quarter i wouldn t buy myself a new though that old green one is the whole way up and the fringe is perfectly you know it is you can t deny it then turning affectionately to me with her cheek against mine am i a naughty to you am i a nasty cruel selfish bad say i am my child say yes dear boy and will love you and s love is a great deal better than mine i love you at all do i at this we all fell a crying together i think i was the of the party but i am sure we were all sincere about it i was quite myself and am afraid that in the first of wounded tenderness i called a beast that honest creature was in deep affliction i remember and must have become quite on the occasion for a little of those went off when after
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having made it up with my mother she down by the and made it up with me we went to bed greatly dejected my sobs kept waking me for a long time and when one very strong sob quite hoisted me up in bed i found my mother sitting on the and leaning over me i fell asleep in her arms after that and slept soundly whether it was the following sunday when i saw the gentleman again or whether there was any greater lapse of time before he reappeared i the personal history and experience cannot i don t profess to be clear about dates but there he was in church and he walked home with us afterwards he came in too to look at a famous we had in the parlor window it did not appear to me that he took much notice of it but before he went he asked my mother to give him a bit of the blossom she begged him to choose it for himself but he refused to do that i could not understand why so she plucked it for him and gave it into his hand he said he would never never part with it any more and i thought he must be quite a fool not to know that it would fall to pieces in a day or two began to be less with us of an evening than she had always been my mother deferred to her very much more than usual it occurred to me and we were all three excellent friends still we were from what we used to be and were not so comfortable among ourselves sometimes i fancied that perhaps objected to my mother s wearing all the pretty dresses she had in her drawers or to her going so often to visit at that neighbour s but i couldn t to my satisfaction make out how it was gradually i became used to seeing the gentleman with the black whiskers i liked him no better than at first and had the same uneasy jealousy of him but if i had any reason for it beyond a child s instinctive dislike and a general idea that and i could make much of my mother without any help it certainly was not the reason that i might have found if i had been older no such thing came into my mind or near it i could observe in little pieces as it were but as to making a net of a number of these pieces and catching anybody in it that was as yet beyond me one autumn morning i was with my mother in the front garden when mr i knew him by that name now came by on horseback he up his horse to salute my mother and said he was going to to see some friends who were there with a and merrily proposed to take me on the saddle before him if i would like the ride the air was so clear and pleasant and the horse seemed to like the idea of the ride so much himself as he stood and at the garden gate that i had a great desire to go so i was sent up stairs to to be made and in the meantime mr dismounted and with his horse s bridle drawn over his arm walked slowly up and down on the outer side of the fence while my mother walked slowly up and down on the inner to keep him company i recollect and t peeping out at them from my little window i recollect how closely they appeared to be examining the between them as they strolled along and how from being in a perfectly temper turned cross in a moment and brushed my hair the wrong way excessively hard mr and i were soon and trotting along on the green turf by the side of the road he held me quite easily with one arm and i don t think i was restless usually but i could not make up my mind to sit in front of him without turning my head sometimes and looking up in his face he had that kind of shallow black eye i want of david a better word to express an eye that has no depth in it to be looked into which when it is abstracted seems from some peculiarity of light to be for a moment at a time by a cast several times when i glanced at him i observed that appearance with a sort of awe and wondered what he was thinking about so closely his hair and whiskers were and thicker looked at so near than even i had given them credit for being a about the lower part of his face and the dotted indication of the strong black beard he shaved close every day reminded me of the wax work that had travelled into our neighbourhood some half before this his regular eyebrows and the rich white and black and brown of his complexion confound his complexion and his memory made me think him in spite of my a very handsome man i have no doubt that my poor dear mother thought him so too we went to an hotel by the sea where two gentlemen were smoking cigars in a room by themselves each of them was lying on at least four chairs and had a large rough jacket on in a corner was a heap of coats and boat and a flag all up together they both rolled on to their feet in an sort of manner when we came in and said we thought you were dead not yet said mr and who s this said one of the gentlemen taking hold of me that s returned mr who said the gentleman jones said mr what mrs s cried
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the gentleman the pretty little widow said mr take care if you please somebody s sharp who is asked the gentleman laughing i looked up quickly being curious to know only of said mr i was quite relieved to find it was only of for at first i really thought it was i there seemed to be something very in the reputation of mr of for both the gentlemen laughed heartily when he was mentioned and mr was a good deal amused also after some laughing the gentleman whom he had called said and what is the opinion of of in reference to the projected business why i don t know that understands much about it at present replied mr but he is not generally favourable i believe there was more laughter at this and mr said he would ring the bell for some in which to drink to this he did and when the wine came he made me have a little with a and before i drank it stand up and say confusion to of c the personal history and experience the toast was received with great applause and such hearty laughter that it made me laugh too at which they laughed the more in short we quite enjoyed ourselves we walked on the cliff after that and sat on the grass and looked at things through a i could make out nothing myself when it was put to my eye but i pretended i could and then we came back to the hotel to an early dinner all the time we were out the two gentlemen smoked incessantly which i thought if i might judge from the smell of their rough coats they must have been doing ever since the first come home from the tailor s i must not forget that we went on board the where they all three descended into the cabin and were busy with some papers i saw them quite hard at work when i looked down through the open they left me during this time with a very nice man with a very large head of red hair and a very small shiny hat upon it who had got a cross barred shirt or waistcoat on with in capital letters across the chest i thought it was his name and that as he lived on board ship and hadn t a street door to put his name on he put it there instead but when i called him mr he said it meant the vessel i observed all day that mr was graver and than the two gentlemen they were very gay and careless they freely with one another but seldom with him it appeared to me that he was more clever and cold than they were and that they regarded him with something of my own feeling i remarked that once or twice when mr was talking he looked at mr sideways as if to make sure of his not being displeased and that once when mr the other gentleman was in spirits he trod upon his foot and gave him a secret caution with his eyes to observe mr who was sitting stern and silent nor do i recollect that mr laughed at all that day except at the joke and that by the by was his own we went home early in the evening it was a very fine evening and my mother and he had another stroll by the sweet while i was sent in to get my tea when he was gone my mother asked me all about the day i had had and what they had said and done i mentioned what they had said about her and she laughed and told me they were impudent fellows who talked nonsense but i knew it pleased her i knew it quite as well as i know it now i took the opportunity of asking if she was at all acquainted with mr of but she answered no only she supposed he must be a in the knife and fork way can i say of her face altered as i have reason to remember it perished as i know it is that it is gone when here it comes before me at this instant as distinct as any face that i may choose to look on in a crowded street can i say of her innocent and girlish beauty that it faded and was no more when its breath falls on my cheek now as it fell that night can i say she ever changed when my remembrance brings her back to life thus only and truer to its loving youth than i have been or man ever is still holds fast what it cherished then of david i write of her just as she was when i had gone to bed after this talk and she came to bid me good night she down by the side of the bed and laying her chin upon her hands and laughing said what was it they said tell me again i can t believe it i began my mother put her hands upon her lips to stop me it was never she said laughing it never could have been now i know it wasn t yes it was mrs i repeated stoutly and pretty no no it was never pretty not pretty interposed my mother laying her fingers on my lips again yes it was pretty little widow what foolish impudent creatures cried my mother laughing and covering her face what ridiculous men an t they dear well ma don t tell she might be angry with them i am dreadfully angry with them myself but i would rather didn t know i promised of course and we kissed one another over and over again and i soon fell fast asleep it seems to me at this distance of time as
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ever seen in the stern of the vessel with a little window where the used to go through a little looking glass the right height for me nailed against the wall and framed with shells a little bed which there was just room enough to get into and a of in a blue on the table the walls were as white as milk and the made my eyes quite ache with its brightness one thing i particularly noticed in this delightful house was the smell of fish which was so searching that when i took out my pocket handkerchief to wipe my nose i found it smelt exactly as if it had wrapped up a on my this discovery in confidence to she informed me that her brother dealt in and and i afterwards found that a heap of these creatures in a state of wonderful with one another and never leaving off whatever they laid hold of were usually to be found in a little wooden where the pots and were kept we were welcomed by a very civil woman in a white apron whom i had seen at the door when i was on ham s back about a quarter of a mile off likewise by a most beautiful little girl or i thought her so with a of blue beads on who wouldn t let me kiss her when i offered to but ran away and hid herself by and by when we had dined in a manner off boiled melted butter and potatoes with a chop for me a hairy man with a very good natured face came home as he called and gave her a hearty on the cheek i had no doubt from the general propriety of her conduct that he was her brother and so he turned out being presently introduced to me as mr the master of the house glad to see you sir said mr you ll find us rough sir but you ll find us ready i thanked him and replied that i was sure i should be happy in such a delightful place how s your ma sir said mr did you leave her pretty jolly the personal history and experience i gave mr to understand that she was as jolly as i could wish and that she desired her compliments which was a polite fiction on my part i m much to her i m sure said mr well sir if you can make out here fur a long wi her nodding at his sister and ham and little em ly we shall be proud of your company having done the honors of his house in this hospitable manner mr went out to wash himself in a of hot water remarking that cold would never get ms off he soon returned greatly improved in appearance but so that i couldn t help thinking his face had this in common with the and that it went into the hot water very black and came out very red after tea when the door was shut and all was made snug the nights being cold and misty now it seemed to me the most delicious retreat that the imagination of man could conceive to hear the wind getting up out at sea to know that the fog was creeping over the desolate flat outside and to look at the fire and think that there was no house near but this one and this one a boat was like enchantment little em ly had overcome her shyness and was sitting by my side upon the lowest and least of the which was just large enough for us two and just fitted into the chimney corner mrs with the white apron was knitting on the opposite side of the fire at her needle work was as much at home with saint paul s and the bit of wax candle as if they had never known any other roof ham who had been giving me my first lesson in all was trying to recollect a scheme of telling fortunes with the dirty cards and was off impressions of his thumb on all the cards he turned mr was smoking his pipe i felt it was a time for conversation and confidence mr says i sir says he did you give your son the name of ham because you lived in a sort of ark mr seemed to think it a deep idea but answered no sir i never him no name who gave him that name then said i putting question number two of the to mr why sir his father it him said mr i thought you were his father my brother joe was ms father said mr dead mi i hinted after a respectful pause said mr i was very much surprised that mr was not ham s father and began to wonder whether i was mistaken about his relationship to anybody else there i was so curious to know that i made up my mind to have it out with mr little em ly i said glancing at her she is your daughter isn t she mr no sir my brother in law tom was her father of david i couldn t help it dead mr i hinted after another respectful silence said mr i felt the difficulty of the subject but had not got to the bottom of it yet and must get to the bottom somehow so i t you any children mr no master he answered with a short laugh i ma a bachelor i said astonished why who s that mr pointing to the person in the apron who was knitting that s said mr mr but at this point i mean my own peculiar made such impressive motions to me not to ask any more questions that i could only sit and look at all the silent company until
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it was time to go to bed then in the privacy of my own little cabin she informed me that ham and em ly were an orphan nephew and niece whom my host had at different times adopted in their childhood when they were left destitute and that mrs was the widow of his partner in a boat who had died very poor he was but a poor man himself said but as good as gold and as true as steel those were her the only subject she informed me on which he ever showed a violent temper or swore an oath was this generosity of his and if it were ever referred to by any one of them he struck the table a heavy blow with his right hand had split it on one such occasion and swore a dreadful oath that he would be if he didn t cut and run for good if it was ever mentioned again it appeared in answer to my inquiries that nobody had the least idea of the of this terrible passive to be but that they all regarded it as a most solemn i was very sensible of my s goodness and listened to the women s going to bed in another little like mine at the opposite end of the boat and to him and ham hanging up two for themselves on the hooks i had noticed in the roof in a very luxurious state of mind by my being sleepy as slumber gradually stole upon me i heard the wind howling out at sea and coming on across the so fiercely that i had a lazy apprehension of the great deep rising in the night but i myself that i was in a boat after all and that a man like mr was not a bad person to have on board if anything did happen nothing happened however worse than morning almost as soon as it shone upon the shell frame of my mirror i was out of bed and out with little em ly picking up stones upon the beach you re quite a sailor i suppose i said to em ly i don t know that i supposed any thing of the kind but i felt it an act of gallantry to say something and a shining sail close to us made such a pretty little image of itself at the moment in her bright eye that it came into my head to say this no replied em ly shaking her head i m afraid of the sea the personal history and experience afraid i said with a becoming air of boldness and looking very big at the mighty ocean i a nt ah but it s cruel said em ly i have seen it very cruel to some of our men i have seen it tear a boat as big as our house all to pieces i hope it was nt the boat that that father was in said em ly no not that one i never see that boat nor him i asked her little em ly shook her head not to remember here was a coincidence i immediately went into an explanation how i had never seen my own father and how my mother and i had always lived by ourselves in the happiest state imaginable and so then and always meant to live so and how my father s grave was in the churchyard near our house and shaded by a tree beneath the boughs of which i had walked and heard the birds sing many a pleasant morning but there were some differences between em ly s and mine it appeared she had lost her mother before her father and where her father s grave was no one knew except that it was somewhere in the depths of the sea besides said em ly as she looked about for shells and pebbles your father was a gentleman and your mother is a lady and my father was a and my mother was a s daughter and my uncle dan is a dan is mr is he said i uncle dan yonder answered em ly nodding at the boat house yes i mean him he must be very good i should think good said em ly if i was ever to be a lady i d give him a sky blue coat with diamond buttons trousers a red velvet waistcoat a cocked hat a large gold watch a silver pipe and a box of money i said i had no doubt that mr well deserved these treasures i must acknowledge that i felt it difficult to picture him quite at hi ease in the proposed for him by his grateful little niece and that i particularly doubtful of the policy of the cocked hat but i kept these sentiments to myself little em ly had stopped and looked up at the sky in her of these articles as if they were a glorious vision we went on again picking up shells and pebbles you would to be a lady i said looked at me and laughed and nodded yes i should like it very much we would all be together then me and and ham and mrs we wouldn t mind then when there come stormy weather not for our own i mean we would for the poor s to be sure and we d help em with money when they come to any hurt this seemed to me to be a very satisfactory and therefore not at all improbable picture i expressed my pleasure in the contemplation of it and httle em ly was to say don t you think you are afraid of the sea now of david it was enough to me but i have doubt if i had seen a large wave come tumbling in i should have taken to my heels with an awful recollection
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of her drowned relations however i said no and i added you don t seem to be either though you say you are for she was walking much too near the brink of a sort of old or wooden we had strolled upon and i was afraid of her falling over i m not afraid in this way said little em ly but i wake when it blows and tremble to think of uncle dan and ham and believe i hear em crying out for help that s why i should like so much to be a lady but i m not afraid in way not a bit look here she started from my side and ran along a jagged timber which from the place we stood upon and the deep water at some height without the least defence the incident is so impressed on my remembrance that if i were a i could draw its form here i accurately as it was that day and little em ly springing forward to her destruction as it appeared to me with a look that i have never forgotten directed far out to sea the light bold fluttering little figure turned and came back safe to me and i soon laughed at my fears and at the cry i had uttered in any case for there was no one near but there have been times since in my manhood many times there have been when i have thought is it possible among the possibilities of hidden things that in the sudden of the child and her wild look so far off there was any merciful attraction of her into danger any tempting her towards him permitted on the part of her dead father that her life might have a chance of ending that day there has been a time since when i have wondered whether if the life before her could have been revealed to me at a glance and so revealed as that a child could fully comprehend it and if her preservation could have depended on a motion of my hand i ought to have held it up to save her there has been a time since i do not say it lasted long but it has been when i have asked myself the question would it have been better for little em ly to have had the waters close above her head that morning in my sight and when i have answered yes it would have been this may be premature i have set it down too soon perhaps but let it stand we strolled a long way and loaded ourselves with things that we thought curious and put some star fish carefully back into the water i hardly know enough of the race at this moment to be quite certain whether they had reason to feel obliged to us for doing so or the reverse and then made our way home to mr s dwelling we stopped under the lee of the to exchange an innocent kiss and went in to breakfast glowing with health and pleasure like two young mr said i knew this meant in our local dialect like two young and received it as a compliment the personal history and experience of course i was in love with little em iy i am sure i loved that baby quite as truly quite as tenderly with greater purity and more than can enter into the best love of a later time of life high and as it is i am sure my fancy raised up something round that blue eyed of a child which and made a very angel of her if any sunny she had spread a little pair of wings and flown away before my eyes i don t think i should have regarded it as much more than i had had reason to expect we used to walk about that dim old flat at in a loving manner hours and hours the days by us as if time had not grown up himself yet but were a child too and always at play i told em ly i adored her and that unless she confessed she adored me i should be reduced to the necessity of killing myself with a sword she said she did and i have no doubt she did as to any sense of or or other difficulty in our way little em ly and i had no such trouble because we had no future we made no more provision for growing older than we did for growing younger we were the admiration of mrs and who used to whisper of an evening when we sat lovingly on our side by side lor wasn t it beautiful mr smiled at us from behind his pipe and ham grinned all the evening and did they had something of the sort of pleasure in us i suppose that they might have had in a pretty toy or a pocket model of the i soon found out that mrs did not always make herself so agreeable as she might have been expected to do under the circumstances of her residence with mr mrs s was rather a disposition and she more sometimes than was comfortable for other parties in so small an establishment i was very sorry for her but there were moments when it would have been more agreeable i thought if mrs had had a convenient apartment of her own to retire to and had stopped there until her spirits revived mr went occasionally to a public house called the willing mind i discovered this by his being out on the second or third evening of our visit and by mrs s looking up at the dutch clock between eight and nine and saying he was there and that what was more she had known in the morning he would go there mrs had been in
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a low state all day and had burst into tears in the when the fire smoked lone were mrs s words when that unpleasant occurrence took place and every think goes with me oh it soon leave off said i again mean our and besides you know it s not more disagreeable to you than to us i feel it more said mrs it was a very cold day with cutting of wind mrs s peculiar corner of the fireside seemed to me to be the warmest and in the place as her chair was certainly the easiest but it didn t suit her that day at all she was constantly complaining of the cold and of david of its a in her back which she called the at last she shed tears on that subject and said again that she was a lone and every think went with her it is certainly very cold said everybody must feel it so i feel it more than other people said mrs so at dinner when mrs was always helped immediately after me to whom the preference was given as a visitor of distinction the fish were small and bony and the potatoes were a httle burnt we all acknowledged that we felt this something of a disappointment but mrs said she felt it more than we did and shed tears again and made that former declaration with great bitterness accordingly when mr came home about nine o clock this unfortunate mrs was knitting in her comer in a very wretched and miserable condition had been working cheerfully ham had been up a great pair of water boots and i with little em ly by my side had been reading to them mrs had never made any other remark than a forlorn sigh and had never raised her eyes since tea well mates said mr taking his seat and how are you we all said something or looked something to welcome him except mrs who only shook her head over her knitting what s amiss said mr with a clap of his hands cheer up old mr meant old girl mrs did not appear to be able to cheer up she took out an old black silk handkerchief and wiped her eyes but instead of putting it in her pocket kept it out and wiped them again and still kept it out ready for use what s amiss dame said mr nothing returned mrs you ve come from the willing mind dan l why yes i ve took a short spell at the willing mind to night said mr i m sorry i should drive you there said mrs drive i don t want no driving returned mr with an honest laugh i only go too ready very ready said mrs shaking her head and wiping her eyes yes yes very ready i am sorry it should be along of me that you re so ready along o you it an t along o you said mr don t ye believe a bit on it yes yes it is cried mrs i know what i am i know that i m a lone and not only that goes with me but that i go with everybody yes yes i feel more than other people do and i show it more it s my i really couldn t help thinking as i sat taking in all this that the misfortune extended to some other members of that family besides mrs but mr made no such retort only answering with another entreaty to mrs to cheer up the personal history and experience i an t what i could wish myself to be said mrs i am far from it i know what i am my troubles has made me i feel my troubles and they make me i wish i did nt feel em but i do i wish i could be hardened to em but i an t i make the house uncomfortable i don t wonder at it i ve made your sister so all day and master here i was suddenly melted and roared out no you have nt mrs in great mental distress it s far from right that i should do it said mrs it an t a fit return i had better go into the house and die i am a lone and had much better not make myself here if thinks must go with me and i must go myself let me go in my parish dan l i d better go into the house and die and be a mrs retired with these words and herself to bed when she was gone mr who had not exhibited a trace of any feeling but the sympathy looked round upon us and nodding his head with a lively expression of that sentiment still his face said in a whisper she s been thinking of the old un i did not quite understand what old one mrs was supposed to have fixed her mind upon until on seeing me to bed explained that it was the late mr and that her brother always took that for a received truth on such occasions and that it always had a moving effect upon him some time after he was in his that night i heard him myself repeat to ham poor thing she s been thinking of the old un and whenever mrs was overcome in a similar manner during the remainder of our stay which happened some few times he always said the same thing in of the circumstance and always with the tenderest so the fortnight slipped away varied by nothing but the of the tide which altered mi s times of going out and coming in and altered ham s engagements also when the latter was he sometimes walked with us to show us the boats and ships and once or twice he took us
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for a row i don t know why one slight set of impressions should be more particularly associated with a place than another though i believe this with most people in reference especially to the associations of their childhood i never hear the name or read the name of but i am reminded of a certain sunday morning on the beach the bells ringing for church little em ly leaning on my shoulder ham lazily dropping stones into the water and the sun away at sea just breaking through the heavy mist and showing us the ships like their own shadows at last the day came for going home i bore up against the separation from mr and mrs but my agony of mind at leaving little em ly was piercing we went arm in arm to the house where the put up and i promised on the road to write to her i that promise afterwards in characters larger than those in of david which apartments are usually announced in manuscript as being to let we were greatly overcome at parting and if ever in my life i have had a void made in my heart i had one made that day now all the time i had been on my visit i had been ungrateful to my home again and had thought little or nothing about it but i was no sooner turned towards it than my young conscience seemed to point that way with a steady finger and i felt all the more for the sinking of my spirits that it was my nest and that my mother was my and friend this gained upon me as we went along so that the nearer we drew and the more familiar the objects became that we passed the more excited i was to get there and to run into her arms but instead of sharing in these tried to check them though very kindly and looked confused and out of sorts would come however in spite of her when the s horse pleased and did how well i recollect it on a cold grey afternoon with a dull sky threatening rain the door opened and i looked half laughing and half crying in my pleasant agitation for my mother it was not she but a strange servant why i said isn t she come home yes yes master said she s come home wait a bit master and i i tell you something between her agitation and her natural awkwardness in getting out of the cart was making a most extraordinary of herself but i felt too blank and strange to tell her so when she had got down she took me by the hand led me wondering into the kitchen and shut the door said i quite frightened what k the matter nothing the matter bless you master dear she answered assuming an air of something s the matter i m sure where s where s master repeated yes why hasn t she come out to the gate and what have we come in here for oh my eyes were full and i felt as if i were going to tumble down bless the precious boy cried taking hold of me what is it speak my pet not dead too oh she s not dead cried out no with an astonishing volume of voice and then sat down and began to and said i had given her a turn i gave her a to take away the turn or to give her another turn in the right direction and then stood before her looking at her in anxious inquiry you see dear i should have told you before now said but i hadn t an opportunity i ought to have made it perhaps but i couldn t that was always the substitute for exactly in s of words bring my mind to it go on said i more frightened than before the personal history and experience master said her bonnet with a shaking hand and speaking in a breathless sort of way what do you think you have got a pa i trembled and turned white something i don t know what or how connected with the grave in the churchyard and the raising of the dead seemed to strike me like an wind a new one said anew one i repeated gave a gasp as if she were something that was very hard and putting out her hand said come and see him i don t want to see him and your mamma said i ceased to draw back and we went straight to the best parlor where she left me on one side of the foe sat my mother on the other mr my mother dropped her work and arose hurriedly but timidly i thought now my dear said mr yourself always yourself boy how do you do i gave him my hand after a moment of suspense i went and kissed my mother she kissed me patted me gently on the shoulder and sat down again to her work i could not look at her i could not look at him i knew quite well that he was looking at us both and i turned to the window and looked out there at some shrubs that were drooping their heads in the cold as soon as i could creep away i crept up stairs my old dear bedroom was changed and i was to lie a long way off i down stairs to find anything that was like itself so altered it all seemed and into the yard i very soon started back from there for the empty was filled up with a great dog deep mouthed and black haired like him and he was very angry at the sight of me and sprung out to get at me of david iv
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i fail into disgrace if the room to which my bed was removed were a thing that could give evidence i might appeal to it at this day who sleeps there now i wonder to bear witness for me what a heavy heart i earned to it i went up there hearing the dog in the yard bark after me all the way while i climbed the stairs j and looking as blank and strange upon the room as the room looked upon me sat down with my small hands crossed and thought i thought of the things of the shape of the room of the cracks in the ceiling of the paper on the wall of the in the window glass making and on the prospect of the washing stand being on its three legs and having a discontented something about it which reminded me of mrs under the influence of the old one i was crying all the time but except that i was conscious of being cold and dejected i am sure i never thought why i cried at last in my desolation i began to consider that i was dreadfully in love with em ly and had been torn away from her to come here where no one seemed to want me or to care about me half as much as she did this made such a very miserable piece of business of it that i rolled myself up in a corner of the and cried myself to sleep i was awoke by somebody saying here he is and my hot head my mother and had come to look for me and it was one of them who had done it said my mother what s the matter i thought it very strange that she should ask me and answered nothing i turned over on my face recollect to hide my trembling lip which answered her with greater truth said my mother my child i dare say no words she could have uttered would have affected me so much then as her calling me her child i hid my tears in the and pressed her from me with my hand when she would have raised me up this is your doing you cruel thing said my mother i have no doubt at all about it how can you reconcile it to your conscience i wonder to prejudice my own boy against me or against anybody who is dear to me what do you mean by it poor lifted up her hands and eyes and only answered in a sort of of the grace i usually repeated after dinner lord forgive you mrs and for what you have said this minute may you never be truly sorry it s enough to me cried my mother in my too when my most enemy might one would think and not envy me a little peace of mind and happiness you naughty boy you savage creature oh dear me cried my mother d the personal history and experience turning from one of us to the other in her wilful manner what a troublesome world this is when one has the most right to expect it to be as agreeable as possible i felt the touch of a hand that i knew was neither her s nor s and slipped to my feet at the bed side it was mr s hand and he kept it on my arm as he said what s this my love have you forgotten firmness my dear i am very sorry edward said my mother i meant to be very good but i am so uncomfortable indeed he answered that s a bad hearing so soon i say it s very hard i should be made so now returned my mother and it is very hard isn t it he drew her to him whispered in her ear and kissed her i knew as well when i saw my mother s head lean down upon his shoulder and her arm touch his neck i knew as well that he could mould her nature into any form he chose as i know now that he did it go you below my love said mr david and i will come down together my friend turning a darkening face on when he had watched my mother out and dismissed her with a nod and a smile do you know your mistress s name she has been my mistress a long time sir answered i ought to it that s true he answered but i thought i heard you as i came up stairs address her by a name that is not hers she has taken mine you know will you remember that with some uneasy glances at me herself out of the room without replying seeing i suppose that she was expected to go and had no excuse for remaining when we two were left alone he shut the door and sitting on a chair and holding me standing before him looked steadily into my eyes i felt my own attracted no less steadily to his as i recall our being opposed thus face to face i seem again to hear my heart beat fast and high david he said making his lips thin by pressing them together if i have an obstinate horse or dog to deal with what do you think i do i don t know i beat him i had answered in a kind of breathless whisper but i felt in my silence that my breath was shorter now i make him and smart i say to myself i conquer that fellow and if it were to cost him all the blood he had i should do it what is that upon your face dirt i said he knew it was the mark of tears as well as i but if he had asked the question twenty times
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each time with twenty blows i believe my baby heart would have burst before i would have told him so you have a good deal of intelligence for a little fellow he said with a grave smile that belonged to him and you understood me very well i see wash that face sir and come down with me of david he pointed to the washing stand which i had made out to be like mrs and me with his head to obey him directly i had little doubt then and i have less doubt now that he would have knocked me down without the least if i had hesitated my dear he said when i had done his bidding and he walked me into the parlor with his hand still on my arm you will not be made uncomfortable any more i hope we shall soon improve our youthful god help me i might have been improved for my whole life i might have been made another creature perhaps for life by a kind word at that season a word of encouragement and explanation of pity for my childish ignorance of welcome home of to me that it was home might have made me dutiful to him in my heart henceforth instead of in my outside and might have made me respect instead of hate him i thought my mother was sorry to see me standing in the room so scared and strange and that presently when i stole to a chair she followed me with her eyes more sorrowfully still missing perhaps some freedom in my childish tread but the word was not spoken and the time for it was gone we dined alone we three together he seemed to be very fond of my mother i am afraid i liked him none the better for that and she was very fond of him i gathered from what they said that an elder sister of his was coming to stay with them and that she was expected that evening i am not certain whether i found out then or afterwards that without being concerned in any business he had some share in or some annual charge upon the profits of a wine merchant s house in london with which his family had been connected from his great grandfather s time and in which his sister had a similar interest but i may mention it in this place whether or no after dinner when we were sitting by the fire and i was meditating an escape to without having the to slip away lest it should offend the master of the house a coach drove up to the garden gate and he went out to receive the visitor my mother followed him i was timidly following her when she turned round at the in the dusk and taking me in her embrace as she had been used to do whispered me to love my new father and be obedient to him she did this hurriedly and secretly as if it were wrong but tenderly and putting out her hand behind her held mine in it until ave came near to where he was standing in the garden where she let mine go and drew her s through his arm it was miss who was arrived and a gloomy looking lady she was dark like her brother whom she greatly resembled in face and voice and with very heavy eyebrows nearly meeting over her large nose as if being by the wrongs of her sex from wearing whiskers she had carried them to that account she brought with her two hard black boxes with her on the in hard brass nails when she paid the coachman she took her money out of a hard steel purse and she kept the purse in a very jail of a bag which hung upon her arm by a heavy chain and shut up like a bite i had never at that time seen such a lady altogether as miss was d the personal and experience she was brought into the parlor with many tokens of welcome and there formally recognised my mother as a new and near relation then she looked at me and said is that your boy sister in law my mother acknowledged me generally speaking said miss i don t like boys how d ye do boy under these encouraging circumstances i replied that i was very well and that i hoped she was the same with such an indifferent grace that miss disposed of me in two words wants manner having uttered which with great distinctness she begged the favor of being to her room which became to me from that time forth a place of awe and dread wherein the two black boxes were never seen open or known to be left unlocked and where for i peeped in once or twice when she was out numerous little steel and with which miss herself when she was dressed generally hung upon the looking glass in formidable array as well as i could make out she had come for good and had no intention of ever going again she began to help my mother next morning and was in and out of the store closet all day putting things to rights and making in the old arrangements almost the first remarkable thing i observed in miss was her being constantly haunted by a suspicion that the servants had a man somewhere on the premises under the influence of this delusion she into the coal cellar at the most hours and scarcely ever opened the door of a dark cupboard without clapping it to again in the belief that she had got him though there was nothing very airy about miss she was a perfect lark in point of getting up she was up and as i believe to this hour looking for that man before anybody
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or as miss sitting near my mother steel beads the very sight of these two has such an influence over me that i begin to feel the words i have been at infinite pains to get into my head all sliding away and going i don t know where i wonder where they do go by the by i hand the first book to my mother perhaps it is a grammar perhaps a history or geography i take a last drowning look at the page as i give it into her hand and start off aloud at a racing pace while i have got it fresh i trip over a word mr looks up i trip over another word miss looks up i tumble over half words and stop i think my mother would show me the book if she dared but she does not dare and she says softly oh now says mr be firm with the boy don t say oh that s childish he knows his lesson or he does not know it he does not know it mi s awfully i am really afraid he does not says my mother then you see returns miss you should just give him the book back and make him know it yes certainly says my mother that is what i intend to do my dear jane now try once more and don t be stupid i obey the first of the by trying once more but am not so successful with the second for i am very stupid i tumble down before i get to the old place at a point where i was all right before and stop to think but i can t think about the lesson i think of the number of yards of net in miss s cap or of the price of mr s dressing gown or any such ridiculous problem that i have no business with and don t want to have anything at all to do with mr makes a movement of impatience which i have been expecting for a long time miss does the same my mother glances at them the book and lays it by as an to be worked out when my other tasks are done there is a pile of these very soon and it like a rolling the bigger it gets the more stupid i get the case is so hopeless and i feel that i am in such a of nonsense that i give up all idea of getting out and abandon myself to my fate the despairing way in which my mother and i look at each other as i blunder on is truly melancholy but the greatest effect in these miserable lessons is when my mother thinking nobody is observing her tries to give me the cue by the motion of her lips at that instant miss who has been lying in wait for nothing else all along says in a deep warning voice my mother starts colors and smiles faintly mr comes out of his chair takes the book throws it at me or boxes my ears with it and turns me out of the room by the shoulders even when the lessons are done the worst is yet to happen in the shape of an appalling sum this is invented for me and delivered to me by mr and begins if i go into a s of david shop and buy five thousand double at each present payment at which i see miss secretly i pore over these without any result or until dinner time when having made a of myself by getting the dirt of the slate into the of my skin i have a of bread to help me out with the and am considered in disgrace for the rest of the evening it seems to me at this distance of time as if my unfortunate studies generally took this course i could have done very well if i had been without the but the influence of the upon me was like the fascination of two on a wretched young bird even when i did get through the morning with tolerable credit there was not much gained but dinner for miss never could endure to see me and if i made any show of being called her brother s attention to me by saying my dear there s nothing like work give your boy an exercise which caused me to be clapped down to some new labor there and then as to any with other children of my age i had very little of that for the gloomy of the made all children out to be a swarm of little though there was a child once set in the midst of the and held that they one another the natural result of this treatment continued i suppose for some six months or more was to make me sullen dull and dogged i was not made the less so by my sense of being daily more and more shut out and from my mother i believe i should have been almost but for one circumstance it was this my father had left a small collection of books in a little room up stairs to which i had access for it my own and which nobody else in our house ever troubled from that blessed little room random tom jones the of don bias and robinson came out a glorious host to keep me company they kept alive my fancy and my hope of something beyond that place and time they and the nights and the tales of the and did me no harm for whatever harm was in some of them was not there for me i knew nothing of it it is astonishing to me now how i found time in the midst of my and over heavier to read those books as i did it
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is curious to me how i could ever have consoled myself under my small troubles which were great troubles to me by my favorite characters in them as i did and by putting mr and miss into all the bad ones which i did too i have been tom jones a child s tom jones a harmless creature for a week together i have sustained my own idea of random for a month at a stretch i verily believe i had a greedy relish for a few volumes of voyages and travels i forget what now that were on those shelves and for days and days i can remember to have gone about my region of our house armed with the centre piece out of an old set of boot trees the perfect of captain somebody of the royal british navy in danger of being beset by savages and resolved to sell his life at a great price the captain never lost dignity from having his ears with the latin grammar i did but the the personal history and experience captain was a captain and a hero in despite of all the of all the languages in the world dead or alive this was my only and my constant comfort when i think of it the picture always rises in my mind of a summer evening the boys at play in the churchyard and i sitting on my bed reading as if for life every barn in the neighbourhood every stone in the church and every foot of the churchyard had some association of its own in my mind connected with these books and stood for some locality made famous in them i have seen tom pipes go climbing up the church i have watched with the on his back stopping to rest himself upon the and i know that held that club with mr in the parlor of our little village the reader now understands as well as i do what i was when i came to that point of my youthful history to which i am now coming again one morning when i went into the parlor with my books i found my mother looking anxious miss looking firm and mr binding something round the bottom of a cane a and cane which he left off binding when i came in and poised and in the air i tell you said mr i have been often myself to be sure of course said miss certainly my dear jane faltered my mother meekly but but do you think it did edward good do you think it did edward harm asked mr gravely that s the point said his sister to this my mother returned certainly my dear jane and said no more i felt apprehensive that i was personally interested in this dialogue and sought mr s eye as it lighted on mine now david he said and i saw that cast again as he said it you must be far more careful to day than usual he gave the cane another and another and having finished his preparation of it laid it down beside him with an expressive look and took up his book this was a good to my presence of mind as a beginning i felt the words of my lessons slipping off not one by one or by line but by the entire page i tried to lay hold of them but they seemed if i may so express it to have put on and to away from me with a there was no checking we began badly and went on worse i had come in with an idea of myself rather that i was very well prepared but it turned out to be quite a mistake book after book was added to the heap of failures miss being firmly watchful of us all the time and when we came at last to the five thousand he made it that day i remember my mother burst out crying said miss in her warning voice i am not quite well my dear jane i think said my mother i saw him wink solemnly at his sister as he rose and said taking up the cane why jane we can hardly expect to bear with perfect firmness of david the worry and torment that david has occasioned her to day that would be is greatly strengthened and improved but we can hardly expect so much from her david you and i will go up stairs boy as he took me out at the door my mother ran towards us miss said are you a perfect fool and interfered i saw my mother stop her ears then and i heard her crying he walked me up to my room slowly and gravely i am certain he had a delight in that formal parade of justice and when we got there suddenly twisted my head under his arm mr sir cried to him don t pray don t beat me i have tried to sir but i can t learn while you and miss are by i can t indeed can t you indeed david he said we try that he had my head as in a vice but i round him somehow and stopped him for a moment him not to beat me it was only for a moment that i stopped him for he cut me heavily an instant afterwards and in the same instant i caught the hand with which he held me in my mouth between my teeth and bit it through it sets my teeth on edge to think of it he beat me then as if he would have beaten me to death above all the noise we made i heard them running up the stairs and crying out i heard my mother crying out and then he
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was gone and the door was locked outside and i was lying and hot and torn and sore and raging in my way upon the floor how well i recollect when i became quiet what an unnatural stillness seemed to reign through the whole house how well i remember when my smart and passion began to cool how wicked i began to feel i sat listening for a long while but there was not a sound i crawled up from the floor and saw my face in the glass so swollen red and ugly that it almost frightened me my were sore and stiff and made me cry afresh when i moved but they were nothing to the guilt i felt it lay heavier on my breast than if i had been a most criminal i dare say it had begun to grow dark and i had shut the window i had been lying for the most part with my head upon the sill by turns crying and looking out when the key was turned and miss came in with some bread and meat and milk these she put down upon the table without a word glaring at me the while with firmness and then retired the door after her long after it was dark i sat there wondering whether anybody else would come when this appeared improbable for that night i and went to bed and there i began to wonder fearfully what would be done to me whether it was a criminal act that i had committed whether i should be taken into and sent to prison whether i was at all in danger of being hanged i never shall forget the waking next morning the being cheerful and fresh for the first moment and then the being weighed down by the stale and dismal oppression of remembrance miss reappeared before i was out of bed told me in so many words that i was free to the personal and experience walk in the garden for half an hour and no longer and retired leaving the door open that i might avail myself of that permission i did so and did so every morning of my imprisonment which lasted five days if i could have seen my mother alone i should have gone down on my knees to her and her forgiveness but i saw no one miss during the except at evening prayers in the parlor to which i was escorted by miss after everybody else was placed where i was stationed a young all alone by myself near the door and whence i was solemnly conducted by my before anyone arose from the posture i only observed that my mother was as far off from me as she could be and kept her face another way so that i never saw it and that mr s hand was bound up in a large linen the length of those five days i can convey no idea of to any one they occupy the place of years in my remembrance the way in which i listened to all the incidents of the house that made themselves audible to me the ringing of bells the opening and shutting of doors the murmuring of voices the footsteps on the stairs to any laughing whistling or singing outside which seemed more dismal than anything else to me in my solitude and disgrace the uncertain pace of the hours especially at night when i would wake thinking it was morning and find that the family were not yet gone to bed and that all the length of night had yet to come the depressed dreams and i had the return of day noon afternoon evening when the boys played in the churchyard and i watched them from a distance within the room being ashamed to show myself at the window lest they should know i was a prisoner the strange sensation of never hearing myself speak the fleeting intervals of something like cheerfulness which came with eating and drinking and went away with it the setting in of rain one evening with a fresh smell and its coming down faster and faster between me and the church until it and gathering night seemed to me in gloom and fear and remorse all this appears to have gone round and round for years instead of days it is so vividly and strongly stamped on my remembrance on the last night of my restraint i was awakened by hearing my own name spoken in a whisper i started up in bed and putting out my arms in the dark said is that you there was no immediate answer but presently i heard my name again in a tone so very mysterious and awful that i think i should have gone into a fit if it had not occurred to me that it must have come through the i my way to the door and putting my own lips to the whispered is that you dear yes my own precious she replied be as soft as a mouse or the cat hear us i understood this to mean miss and was sensible of the of the case her room being close by how s dear is she very angry with me op david i could hear crying softly on her side of the as i was doing on mine before she answered no not very what is going to be done with me dear do you know school near london was s answer i was obliged to get her to repeat it for she spoke it the first time quite down my throat in consequence of my having forgotten to take my mouth away from the and put my ear there and though her words me a good deal i didn t hear them when to morrow is that the reason why miss took the clothes out of
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my drawers which she had done though i have forgotten to mention it yes said box shan t i see yes said morning then fitted her mouth close to the and these words through it with as much feeling and earnestness as a has ever been the medium of communicating i will venture to assert shooting in each broken little sentence in a little burst of its own dear if i ain t ben as intimate with you lately as i used to be it ain t i don t love you just as well and more my pretty it s because i thought it better for you and for some one else besides my darling are you listening can you hear ye ye ye yes i sobbed my own said with infinite compassion what i want to say is that you must never forget me for i never forget you and i take as much care of your as ever i took of you and i won t leave her the day may come when she be glad to lay her poor head on her stupid cross old s arm again and i write to you my dear though i ain t no scholar and i i fell to kissing the as she couldn t kiss me thank you dear said i oh thank you thank you will you promise me one thing will you write and tell mr and little em ly and mrs and ham that i am not so bad as they might suppose and that i sent em all my love especially to httle em ly will you if you please the kind soul promised and we both of us kissed the with the greatest affection i patted it with my hand i recollect as if it had been her honest face and parted from that night there grew up in my breast a for which i cannot very well define she did not replace my mother no one could do that but she came into a in my heart which closed upon her and i felt towards her something i have never felt for any other human being it was a sort of affection too and yet if she had died i cannot think what i should have done or how i should have acted out the tragedy it would have been to me in the morning miss appeared as usual and told me i was going to school which was not altogether such news to me as she supposed she also informed me that when i was dressed i was to come down stairs into the parlor and have my breakfast there i found my the personal history and experience mother very pale and with red eyes into whose arms i ran and begged her pardon from my suffering soul oh she said that you could hurt any one i love try to be better pray to be better i forgive you but i am so grieved that you should have such bad passions in your heart they had persuaded her that i was a wicked fellow and she was more for that than for my going away i felt it sorely i tried to eat my parting breakfast but my tears dropped upon my bread and butter and into my tea i saw my mother look at me sometimes and then glance at the watchful miss and then look down or look away master s box there said miss when wheels were heard at the gate i looked for but it was not she neither she nor mr appeared my former acquaintance the was at the door the box was taken out to his cart and lifted in said miss in her warning note my dear jane returned my mother good bye you are going for your own good good bye my child you will come home in the holidays and be a better boy miss repeated certainly my dear jane replied my mother who was holding me i forgive you my dear boy god bless you miss repeated miss was good enough to take me out to the cart and to say on the way that she hoped i would repent before i came to a bad end and then i got into the cart and the lazy horse walked off with it chapter y i am sent away home we might have gone about half a mile and my pocket handkerchief was quite wet through when the stopped short looking out to ascertain what for i saw to my amazement burst from a hedge and climb into the cart she took me in both her arms and squeezed me to her stays until the pressure on my nose was extremely painful though i never thought of that till afterwards when i found it very tender not a single word did speak one of her arms she put it down in her pocket to the elbow and brought out some paper bags of cakes which she crammed into my pockets and a purse which she put into my hand but not one word did she say after another and a final squeeze with both arms she got down from the cart and ran away and my belief is and has always been without a solitary button on her gown i picked up one of several that were rolling about and it as a for a long time the looked at me as if to if she were coming back of david i shook my head and said i thought not then come up said the to the lazy horse who came up accordingly having by this time cried as much as i possibly could i began to think it was of no use crying any more especially as neither nor that captain in the british navy had ever cried that i could remember
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side of the yard to show it and seemed a good deal surprised when he found he was only to show it to me it was a large long room with some large maps in it i doubt if i could have felt much stranger if the maps had been real foreign countries and i cast away in the middle of them i felt it was taking a liberty to sit down with my cap in my hand on the corner of the chair nearest the door and when the waiter laid a cloth on purpose for me and put a set of on it i think i must have turned red all over with modesty he brought me some and vegetables and took the covers off in such a manner that i was afraid i must have given him some offence but he greatly relieved my mind by putting a chair for me at the table and saying very now six foot come on i thanked him and took my seat at the board but found it extremely difficult to handle my knife and fork with anything like dexterity or to avoid myself with the while he was standing opposite staring so hard and making me blush in the most dreadful manner every time i caught his eye after watching me into the second chop he said there s half a pint of ale for you will you have it now i thanked him yes upon which he poured it out of a into a large and held it up against the light and made it look beautiful my eye he said it seems a good deal don t it it does seem a good deal i answered with a smile for it was quite delightful to me to find him so pleasant he was a twinkling eyed man with his hair standing upright all over his head and as h stood with one arm a holding up the glass to the light with the other hand he looked quite friendly there was a gentleman here yesterday he said a stout gentleman by the name of perhaps you know him no i said i don t think in breeches and broad hat grey coat said the waiter no i said i haven t the pleasure he came in here said the waiter looking at the light through the ordered a glass of this ale would order it i told him not drank it and fell dead it was too old for him it t to be drawn that s the fact i was very much shocked to hear of this melancholy accident and said i thought i had better have some water why you see said the waiter still looking at the through the with one of his eyes shut up our people don t things being ordered and left it em but i ll drink it if you like i m e the personal history and experience used to it and use is everything i don t think it hurt me if i throw my head back and take it off quick shall i i replied that he would much oblige me by drinking it if he thought he could do it safely but by no means otherwise when he did throw his head back and take it off quick i had a horrible fear i confess of seeing him meet the fate of the lamented mr and fall lifeless on the carpet but it didn t hurt him on the contrary i thought he seemed the for it what have we got here he said putting a fork into my dish not i said lord bless my soul he exclaimed i didn t know they were why a chop s the very thing to take off the bad effects of that beer ain t it lucky so he took a chop by the bone in one hand and a in the other and ate away with a very good appetite to my extreme satisfaction he afterwards took another chop and another and after that another chop and another when we had done he brought me a and having set it before me seemed to and to become absent in his mind for some moments how s the pie he said rousing himself it s a i made answer he exclaimed why bless me so it is what looking at it nearer you don t mean to say it s a yes it is indeed why a he said taking up a table spoon is my favorite ain t that lucky come on little un and let s see who get most the waiter certainly got most he entreated me more than once to come in and win but what with his table spoon to my tea spoon his to my and his appetite to my appetite i was left far behind at the first and had no chance with him i never saw any one enjoy a so much i think and he laughed when it was all gone as if his enjoyment of it lasted still finding him so very friendly and it was then that i asked for the pen and ink and paper to write to he not only brought it immediately but was good enough to look over me while i wrote the letter when i had finished it he asked me where i was going to school i said near london which was all i knew oh my eye he said looking very low spirited i am sorry for that why i asked him oh lord he said shaking his head that s the school where they broke the boy s ribs two ribs a little boy he was i should say he was let me see how old are you about i told him between eight and nine that s just his
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age he said he was eight years and six months old when they broke his first eight years and eight months old when they broke his second and did for him i could not disguise from myself or from the waiter that this was an op david uncomfortable coincidence and how it was done his answer was not cheering to my spirits for it consisted of two dismal words with the blowing of the coach in the yard was a diversion which made me get up and hesitatingly in the mingled pride and of having a purse which i took out of my pocket if there were anything to pay there s a sheet of letter paper he returned did you ever buy a sheet of letter paper i could not remember that i ever had it s dear he said on account of the duty that s the way we re in this country there s nothing else except the waiter never mind the ink lose by that what should you what should i how much ought i to what would it be right to pay the waiter if you please i stammered blushing if i hadn t a family and that family hadn t the said the waiter i wouldn t take a sixpence if i didn t support a aged and a lovely sister here the waiter was greatly agitated i wouldn t take a if i had a good place and was treated well here i should beg acceptance of a trifle instead of taking of it but i live on broken and i sleep on the coals here the waiter burst into tears i was very much concerned for his misfortunes and felt that any recognition short of would be mere and hardness of heart therefore i gave him one of my three bright shillings which he received with much humility and veneration and spun up with his thumb directly afterwards to try the goodness of it was a little to me to find when i was being helped up behind the coach that i was supposed to have eaten all the dinner without any assistance i discovered this from the lady in the say to the guard take care of that child george or he burst and from observing that the women servants who were about the place came out to look and at me as a young phenomenon my unfortunate friend the waiter who had quite recovered his spirits did not appear to be disturbed by this but joined in the general admiration without being at all confused if i had any doubt of him i suppose this half awakened it but i am inclined to believe that with the simple confidence of a child and the natural reliance of a child upon superior years qualities i am very sorry any children should change for worldly wisdom i had no serious of him on the whole even then i felt it rather hard i must own to be made without deserving it the subject of jokes between the coachman and guard as to the coach drawing heavy behind on account of my sitting there and as to the greater of my travelling by the story of my supposed appetite getting wind among the outside passengers they were merry upon it likewise and asked me whether i was going to be paid for at school as two brothers or three and whether i was contracted for or went upon the regular terms with other pleasant questions but the worst of it was that i knew i should be ashamed to eat anything when an opportunity offered and that after a rather light dinner i should remain hungry e the personal and experience all night for i had left my cakes behind at the hotel in my hurry my apprehensions were when we stopped for supper i couldn t muster courage to take any though i should have liked it very much but sat by the fire and said i didn t want anything this did not save me from more jokes either for a gentleman with a rough face who had been eating out of a box nearly all the way except when he had been drinking out of a bottle said i was like a who took enough at one meal to last him a long time after which he actually brought a rash out upon himself with boiled beef we had started from at three o clock in the afternoon and we were due in london about eight next morning it was weather and the evening was very pleasant when we passed through a village i pictured to myself what the of the houses were like and what the inhabitants were about and when boys came running after us and got up behind and swung there for a little way i wondered whether their fathers were alive and whether they were happy at home i had plenty to think of therefore besides my mind running continually on the kind of place i was going to which was an awful speculation sometimes i remember i resigned myself to thoughts of home and and to endeavouring in a confused blind way to recall how i had felt and what sort of boy i used to be before i bit mr which i couldn t satisfy myself about by any means i seemed to have bitten him in such a remote antiquity the night was not so pleasant as the evening for it got chilly and being put between two gentlemen the rough faced one and another to prevent my tumbling off the coach i was nearly smothered by their falling asleep and completely me up they squeezed me so hard sometimes that i could not help crying out oh if you please which they didn t like at all because it woke them
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opposite me was an elderly lady in a great fur cloak who looked in the dark more like a than a lady she was wrapped up to such a degree this lady had a basket with her and she hadn t known what to do with it for a long time until she found that on account of my legs being short it could go underneath me it cramped and hurt me so that it made me perfectly miserable but if i moved in the least and made a glass that was in the basket rattle against something else as it was sure to do she gave me the with her foot and said come don t you your bones are young enough i m sure at last the sun rose and then my companions seemed to sleep easier the difficulties under which they had all night and which had found utterance in the most terrific and are not to be conceived as the sun got higher their sleep became lighter and so they gradually one by one awoke i recollect being very much surprised by the everybody made then of not having been to sleep at all and by the uncommon indignation with which every one the charge i labor under the same kind of astonishment to this day having invariably observed that of all human weaknesses the one to which our common nature is the least disposed to confess i cannot imagine why is the weakness of having gone to sleep in a coach what an amazing place london was to me when i saw it in the distance and how i believed all the adventures of all my favorite heroes to be constantly and re there and how i vaguely made it out of david in my own mind to be fuller of wonders and wickedness than all the cities of the earth i need not stop here to relate we approached it by degrees and got in due time to the inn in the district for which we were bound i forget whether it was the blue bull or the blue but i know it was the blue something and that its likeness was painted up on the back of the coach the guard s eye lighted on me as he was getting down and he said at the office door is there anybody here for a in the name of from to be left till called for nobody answered try if you please sir said i looking helplessly down is there anybody here for a in the name of from but to the name of to be left till called for said the guard come is there anybody no there was nobody i looked anxiously around but the made no impression on any of the if i except a man in with one eye who suggested that they had better put a brass collar round my neck and tie me up in the stable a ladder was brought and i got down after the lady who was like a not daring to stir until her basket was removed the coach was clear of passengers by that time the luggage was very soon cleared out the horses had been taken out before the luggage and now the coach itself was wheeled and backed off by some out of the way still nobody appeared to claim the dusty from more solitary than who had nobody to look at him and see that he was solitary i went into the office and by invitation of the clerk on duty passed behind the counter and sat down on the scale at which they weighed the luggage here as i sat looking at the and books and the smell of stables ever since associated with that morning a procession of most tremendous considerations began to march through my mind supposing nobody should ever fetch me how long would they consent to keep me there would they keep me long enough to spend seven shillings should i sleep at night in one of those wooden with the other luggage and wash myself at the pump in the yard in the morning or should i be turned out every night and expected to come again to be left till called for when the office opened next day supposing there was no mistake in the case and mr had devised this plan to get rid of me what should i do if they allowed me to remain there until my seven shillings were spent i couldn t hope to remain there when i began to starve that would obviously be inconvenient and unpleasant to the customers besides on the blue whatever it was the risk of funeral expenses if i started off at once and tried to walk back home how could i ever find my way how could i ever hope to walk so far how could i make sure of any one but even if i got back if i found out the nearest proper authorities and offered myself to go for a soldier or a sailor i was such a little fellow that it was most likely they wouldn t take me in these thoughts and a hundred other such thoughts turned me burning hot and made me giddy with apprehension and dismay i was in the height of my fever the personal history and experience when a man entered and whispered to the clerk who presently me off the scale and pushed me over to him as if i were weighed bought delivered and paid for as i went out of the office hand in hand with this new acquaintance i stole a look at him he was a gaunt sallow young man with hollow cheeks and a chin almost as black as mr s but there the likeness ended for his whiskers were shaved off and his hair instead of being glossy was rusty and dry he was
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dressed in a suit of black clothes which were rather rusty and dry too and rather short in the sleeves and legs and he had a white neck on that was not over clean i did not and do not suppose that this neck was all the linen he wore but it was all he showed or gave any hint of you re the new boy he said yes sir i said i supposed i was i didn t know i m one of the masters at house he said i made him a bow and felt very much i was so ashamed to allude to a common place thing like my box to a scholar and a master at house that we had gone some little distance from the yard before i had the to mention it we turned back on my humbly that it might be useful to me hereafter and he told the clerk that the had instructions to call for it at noon if you please sir i said when we had accomplished about the same distance as before is it far it s down by he said is that far sir i asked it s a good step he said we shall go by the stage coach it s about six miles i was so faint and tired that the idea of holding out for six miles more was too much for me i took heart to tell him that i had had nothing all night and that if he would allow me to buy something to eat i should be very much obliged to him he appeared surprised at this i see him stop and look at me now and after considering for a few moments said he wanted to call on an old person who lived not far off and that the best way would be for me to buy some bread or whatever i liked best that was wholesome and make my breakfast at her house where we could get some milk accordingly we looked in at a baker s window and after i had made a series of proposals to buy everything that was in the shop and he had rejected them one by one we decided in favour of a nice little loaf of brown bread which cost me then at a s shop we bought an egg and a of bacon which still left what i thought a good deal of change out of the second of the bright shillings and made me consider london a very cheap place these provisions laid in we went on through a great noise and uproar that confused my weary head beyond description and over a bridge which no doubt was london bridge indeed i think he told me so but i was half asleep until we came to the poor person s which was a part of some houses as i knew by their look and by an inscription on a stone over the gate which said they were established for twenty five poor women v i op david the master at house lifted the latch of one of a number of little black doors that were all alike and had each a little diamond window on one side and another little diamond window above and we went into the little house of one of these poor old women who was blowing a fire to make a little boil on seeing the master enter the old woman stopped with the on her knee and said something that i thought sounded like my but on seeing me come in too she got up and rubbing her hands made a confused sort of half can you cook this young gentleman s breakfast for him if you please said the master at house can i said the old woman yes can i sure how s mrs to day said the master looking at another old woman in a large chair by the fire who was such a bundle of clothes that i feel grateful to this hour for not having sat upon her by mistake ah she s poorly said the first old woman it s one of her bad days if the fire was to go out through any accident i verily believe she d go out too and never come to life again as they looked at her i looked at her also although it was a warm day she seemed to think of nothing but the fire i fancied she was jealous even of the on it and i have reason to know that she took its into the service of boiling my egg and my bacon in for i saw her with my own eyes shake her fist at me once when those operations were going on and no one else was looking the sun streamed in at the little window but she sat with her own back and the back of the large chair towards it the fire as if she were keeping it warm instead of it keeping her warm and watching it in a most manner the completion of the preparations for my breakfast by the fire gave her such extreme joy that she laughed aloud and a very laugh she had i must say i sat down to my brown loaf my egg and my of bacon with a of milk besides and made a most delicious meal while i was yet in the full enjoyment of it the old woman of the house said to the master have you got your with you yes he returned have a blow at it said the old woman do the master upon this put his hand underneath the skirts of his coat and brought out his in three pieces which he together and began immediately to play my impression is after many years of consideration that there never can have been anybody in the world who
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played worse he made the most dismal sounds i have ever heard produced by any means natural or artificial i don t know what the tunes were if there were such things in the performance at all which i doubt but the influence of the strain upon me was first to make me think of all my sorrows until i could hardly keep my tears back then to take away my appetite and lastly to make me so sleepy that i couldn t keep my eyes open they begin to close again and i begin to nod as the recollection rises fresh upon me once more the little room with its open corner cupboard and its square backed chairs and its little staircase leading to the room above and its three s feathers displayed over the i remember wondering when i first went in the personal history and experience what that would have thought if he had known what his doomed to come to from before me and i nod and sleep the becomes the wheels of the coach are heard instead and i am on my journey the coach i wake with a start and the has come back again and the master at house is sitting with his legs crossed playing it while the old woman of the house looks on delighted she in her turn and he and all and there is no no master no house no david no anything but heavy sleep i dreamed i thought that once while he was blowing into this dismal the old woman of the house who had gone nearer and nearer to him in her admiration leaned over the back of his chair and gave him an affectionate squeeze round the neck which stopped his playing for a moment i was in the middle state between sleeping and waking either then or immediately afterwards for as he resumed it was a real fact that he had stopped playing i saw and heard the same old woman ask mrs if it wasn t delicious meaning the to which mrs replied ay ay yes and nodded at the fire to which i am persuaded she gave the credit of the whole performance when i seemed to have been a long while the master at house his into the three pieces put them up as before and took me away we found the coach very near at hand and got upon the roof but i was so dead sleepy that when we stopped on the road to take up somebody else they put me inside where there were no passengers and where i slept profoundly until i found the coach going at a up a steep hill among green leaves presently it stopped and had come to its destination a short walk brought us i mean the master and me to house which was enclosed with a high brick wall and looked very dull over a door in this wall was a board with house upon it and through a grating in this door we were surveyed when we rang the bell by a surly face which i found on the door being opened belonged to a stout man with a bull neck a wooden leg overhanging temples and his hair cut close all round his head the new boy said the master the man with the wooden leg eyed me all over it didn t take long for there was not much of me and locked the gate behind us and took out the key we were going up to the house among some dark heavy trees when he called after my conductor we looked back and he was standing at the door of a little lodge where he lived with a pair of boots in his hand here the s been he said since you ve been out mr and he says he can t mend em any more he says there an t a bit of the original boot left and he wonders you expect it with these words he threw the boots towards mr who went back a few paces to pick them up and looked at them very i was afraid as we went on together i observed then for the first time that the boots he had on were a good deal the worse for wear and that his was just breaking out in one place like a bud op david house was a square brick building with wings of a bare and appearance all about it was so very quiet that i said to mr i supposed the boys were out but he seemed surprised at my not knowing that it was holiday time that all the boys were at their several homes that mr the proprietor was down by the sea side with mrs and miss and that i was sent in holiday time as a punishment for my all of which he explained to me as we went along i gazed upon the into which he took me as the most forlorn and desolate place i had ever seen i see it now a long room with three long rows of and six of forms and all round with for hats and scraps of old and exercises litter the dirty floor some houses made of the same materials are scattered over the two miserable little white left behind by their owner are running up and down in a castle made of and wire looking in all the corners with their red eyes for anything to eat a bird in a cage a very little bigger than himself makes a mournful rattle now and then in on his perch two inches high or dropping from it but neither sings nor there is a strange smell upon the room like sweet apples wanting air and rotten books there could not well be more ink about
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it if it had been from its first construction and the skies had rained hailed and blown ink through the varying seasons of the year mr having left me while he took his boots up stairs i went softly to the upper end of the room observing all this as i crept along suddenly i came upon a beautifully written which was lying on the desk and bore these words take care of him he i got upon the desk immediately apprehensive of at least a great dog underneath but though i looked all round with anxious eyes i could see nothing of him i was still engaged in peering about when mr came back and asked me what i did up there i beg your pardon sir says i if you please i m looking for the dog dog says he what dog isn t it a dog sir isn t what a dog that s to be taken care of sir that no says he gravely that s not a dog that s a boy my instructions are to put this on your back i am sorry to make such a beginning with you but i must do it with that he took me down and tied the which was neatly constructed for the purpose on my shoulders like a and wherever i went afterwards i had the consolation of carrying it what i suffered from that nobody can imagine whether it was possible for people to see me or not i always fancied that somebody was reading it it was no relief to turn round and find nobody for wherever my back was there i imagined somebody always to be that cruel man with the wooden leg my sufferings he was in authority and if he ever saw me leaning against a tree or a wall or the house he roared out from his lodge door in a the history and experience voice you sir you show that conspicuous or i ll report you the was a bare yard open to all the back of the house and the offices and i knew that the servants read it and the butcher read it and the baker read it that everybody in a word who came backwards and forwards to the house of a morning when i was ordered to walk there read that i was to be taken care of for i bit i recollect that positively began to have a dread of myself as a kind of wild boy who did bite there was an old door in this on which the boys had a custom of carving their names it was completely covered with such in my dread of the end of the and their coming back i could not read a boy s name without in what tone and with what emphasis he would read take care of him he there was one boy a certain j who cut his name very deep and very often who i conceived would read it in a rather strong voice and afterwards pull my hair there was another boy one who i dreaded would make game of it and pretend to be dreadfully frightened of me there was a third george who i fancied would sing it i have looked a little shrinking creature at that door until the owners of all the names there were five and forty of them in the school then mr said seemed to send me to by general and to cry out each in his own way take care of him he it was the same with the places at the and forms it was the same with the groves of deserted i peeped at on my way to and when i was in my own bed i remember dreaming night after night of being with my mother as she used to be or of going to a party at mr s or of travelling outside the stage coach or of dining again with my unfortunate friend the waiter and in all these circumstances making people scream and stare by the unhappy disclosure that i had nothing on but my little night shirt and that in the monotony of my life and in my constant apprehension of the of the school it was such an affliction i had long tasks every day to do with mr but i did them there being no mr and miss here and got through them without disgrace before and after them i walked about as i have mentioned by the man with the wooden leg how vividly i call to mind the damp about the house the green cracked in the court an old water butt and the trunks of some of the grim trees which seemed to have more in the rain than other trees and to have blown less in the sun at one we dined mr and i at the upper end of a long bare dining room full of deal tables and smelling of fat then we had more tasks until tea which mr drank out of a blue and i out of a tin pot all day long and until seven or eight in the evening mr at his own detached desk in the worked hard with pen ink ruler books and writing paper making out the bills as i found for last half year when he had put up his things for the night he took out his and blew at it until i almost thought he would gradually blow his whole being into the large hole at the top and away at the keys of david i picture my small self in the dimly lighted rooms sitting with my head upon my hand listening to the performance of mr and to morrow s lessons i picture myself with my books shut up still listening to the performance of mr and listening through
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op david looked at mrs as he said this when it rises against me is not my flesh and blood i it has that fellow to the man with the wooden leg been here again no was the answer no said mr he knows better he knows me let him keep away i say let him keep away said mr striking his hand upon the table and looking at mrs for he knows me now you have begun to know me too my young friend and you may go take him away i was very glad to be ordered away for mrs and miss were both wiping their eyes and i felt as uncomfortable for them as i did for myself but i had a petition on my mind which concerned me so nearly that i couldn t help saying though i wondered at my own courage if you please sir mr whispered what this and bent his eyes upon me as if he would have burnt me up with them if you please sir i faltered if i might be allowed i am very sorry indeed sir for what i did to take this writing off before the boys come back whether mr was in earnest or whether he only did it to frighten me i don t know but he made a burst out of ins chair before which i retreated without waiting for the escort of the man with the wooden leg and never once stopped until i reached my own bedroom where finding i was not pursued i went to bed as it was time and lay for a couple of hours next morning mr sharp came back mr sharp was the first master and superior to mr mr took his meals with the boys but mr sharp dined and at mr s table he was a limp looking gentleman i thought with a good deal of nose and a way of carrying his head on one side as if it were a little too heavy for him his hair was very smooth and but i was informed by the very first boy who came back that it was a wig a second hand one he said and that mr sharp went out every saturday afternoon to get it curled it was no other than who gave me this piece of intelligence he was the first boy returned he introduced himself by informing me that i should find his name on the right hand corner of the gate over the top bolt upon that i said to which he replied the same and then he asked me for a full account of myself and family it was a happy circumstance for me that came back first he enjoyed my so much that he saved me from the embarrassment of either disclosure or concealment by presenting me to every other boy who came back great or small immediately on his arrival in this form of introduction look here here s a game happily too the greater part of the boys came back low spirited and were not so boisterous at my expense as i had expected some of them certainly did dance about me like wild indians and the greater part could not resist the temptation of pretending that i was a dog and patting and me lest i should bite and saying lie down sir and calling me this was naturally the personal history and experience among so many strangers and cost me some tears but on the whole it was much better than i had anticipated i was not considered as being formally received into the school however until j arrived before this boy who was to be a great scholar and was very good looking and at least half a dozen years my senior i was carried as before a magistrate he under a shed in the into the particulars of my punishment and was pleased to express his opinion that it was a jolly shame for which i became bound to him ever afterwards what money have you got he said walking aside with me when he had disposed of my affair in these terms i told him seven shillings you had better give it to me to take care of he said at least you can if you like you needn t if you don t like i hastened to with his friendly suggestion and opening s purse turned it down into his hand do you want to spend anything now he asked me no thank you i replied you can if you like you know said say the word no thank you sir i repeated perhaps you d like to spend a couple of shillings or so in a bottle of wine by and by up in the bedroom said you belong to my bedroom i find it certainly had not occurred to me before but i said yes i should like that very good said you be glad to spend another shilling or so in cakes i dare say i said yes i should like that too and another shilling or so in and another in fruit eh said i say young you re going it i smiled because he smiled but i was a little troubled in my mind too well said we must make it stretch as far as we can that s all i do the best in my power for you i can go out when i like and i the in with these words he put the money in his pocket and kindly told me not to make myself uneasy he would take care it should be all right he was as good as his word if that were all right which i had a secret was nearly all wrong for i feared it was a waste of my mother s two half crowns though had preserved the piece of paper
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they were wrapped in which was a precious saving when we went up stairs to bed he produced the whole seven shillings worth and laid it out on my bed in the moonlight saying there you are young and a royal spread you ve got i couldn t think of doing the honors of the feast at my time of life while he was by my hand shook at the very thought of it i begged him to do me the favor of and my request being by the other boys who were in that room he to it and sat upon my pillow handing round the with perfect i must say and the wine in a little glass without a foot which was his own property as to me i sat on his left hand and the rest were about us on the nearest beds and on the floor of david how well i recollect our sitting there talking in whispers or and my respectfully listening i ought rather to say the moonlight falling a little way into the room through the window painting a pale window on the floor and the greater part of us in shadow except when dipped a match into a box when he wanted to look for anything on the board and shed a blue glare over us that was gone directly a certain mysterious feeling consequent on the darkness the of the and the whisper in which everything was said over me again and i listen to all they tell me with a vague feeling of solemnity and awe which makes me glad that they are all so near and me though i to laugh when to see a ghost in the corner i heard all kinds of things about the school and all belonging to it i heard that mr had not preferred his claim to being a without reason that he was the and most severe of masters that he laid about him right and left every day of his life charging in among the boys like a and away that he knew nothing himself but the art of being more ignorant j said than the lowest boy in the school that he had been a good many years ago a small hop dealer in the and had taken to the business after being in and making away with mrs s money with a good deal more of that sort which i wondered how they knew i heard that the man with the wooden leg whose name was was an obstinate who had formerly assisted in the hop business but had come into the line with mr in consequence as was supposed among the boys of his having broken his leg in mr s service and having done a deal of work for him and knowing his secrets i heard that with the single exception of mr considered the whole establishment masters and boys as his natural enemies and that the only delight of his life was to be sour and malicious i heard that mr had a son who had not been s friend and who assisting in the school had once held some remonstrance with his father on an occasion when its discipline was very cruelly exercised and was supposed besides to have protested against his father s usage of his mother i heard that mr had turned him out of doors in consequence and that mrs and miss had been in a sad way ever since but the greatest wonder that i heard of mr was there being one boy in the school on whom he never ventured to lay a hand and that boy being j himself confirmed this when it was stated and said that he should like to begin to see him do it on being asked by a mild boy not me how he would proceed if he did begin to see him do it he dipped a match into his box on purpose to shed a glare over his reply and said he would commence by knocking him down with a blow on the forehead from the seven and ink bottle that was always on the we sat in the dark for some time breathless i heard that mr sharp and mr were both supposed to be paid and that when there was hot and cold meat for dinner at mr s table mr sharp was always expected to say he preferred b the personal history and experience cold which was again by j the only i heard that mr sharp s wig didn t fit him and that he needn t be so somebody else said about it because his own red hair was very plainly to be seen behind i heard that one boy who was a coal merchant s son came as a set off against the coal bill and was called on that account exchange or a name selected from the book as expressing this arrangement i heard that the table beer was a robbery of parents and the an i heard that miss was regarded by the school in general as being in love with and i am sure as i sat in the dark thinking of his nice voice and his fine face and his easy manner and his curling hair i thought it very likely i heard that mr was not a bad sort of fellow but hadn t a sixpence to bless himself with and that there was no doubt that old mrs his mother was as poor as job i thought of my breakfast then and what had sounded like my but i was i am glad to remember as mute as a mouse about it the hearing of all this and a good deal more the banquet some time the greater part of the guests had gone to bed as soon as the eating and drinking were over
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and we who had remained whispering and listening half at last ourselves to bed too good night young said i ll take care of you you re very kind i gratefully returned i am very much obliged to you you haven t got a sister have you said yawning no i answered that s a pity said if you had had one i should think she would have been a pretty timid little bright eyed sort of girl i should have liked to know her good night young good night sir i replied i thought of him very much after i went to bed and raised myself i recollect to look at him where he lay in the moonlight with his handsome face turned up and his head easily on his arm he was a person of great power in my eyes that was of course the reason of my mind running on him no veiled future dimly glanced upon him in the there was no shadowy picture of his footsteps in the garden that i dreamed of walking in all night op david chapter til my first half at house school began in earnest next day a profound impression was made upon me i remember by the roar of voices in the suddenly becoming hushed as death when mr entered after breakfast and stood in the doorway looking round upon us like a giant in a story book surveying his stood at mr s elbow he had no occasion i thought to cry out silence so for the boys were all struck speechless and motionless mr was seen to speak and was heard to this effect now boys this is a new half take care what you re about in this new half come fresh up to the lessons i advise you for i come fresh up to the punishment i won t it will be of no use your rubbing yourselves you won t rub the marks out that i shall give you now get to work every boy when this dreadful was over and had out again mr came to where i sat and told me that if i were famous for biting he was famous for biting too he then showed me the cane and asked me what i thought of that for a tooth was it a sharp tooth hey was it a double tooth hey had it a deep hey did it bite hey did it bite at every question he gave me a cut with it that made me so i was very soon made free of house as said and very soon in tears also not that i mean to say these were special marks of distinction which only i received on the contrary a large majority of the boys especially the smaller ones were visited with similar instances of notice as mr made the round of the half the establishment was and crying before the day s work began and how much of it had and cried before the day s work was over i am really afraid to recollect lest i should seem to i should think there never can have been a man who enjoyed his profession more than mr did he had a delight in cutting at the boys which was like the satisfaction of a craving appetite i am confident that he couldn t resist a boy especially that there was a fascination in such a subject which made him restless in his mind until he had and marked him for the day i was myself and ought to know i am sure when i think of the fellow now my blood rises against him with the disinterested indignation i should feel if i could have known all about him without having ever been in his power but it rises hotly because i know him to have been an incapable brute who had no more right to be possessed of the great trust he held than to be lord high admiral or commander in chief in either of which it is probable that he would have done infinitely less mischief miserable little of a idol how abject we were f the personal history and experience to him what a in life i think it now on looking back to be so mean and to a man of such parts and pretensions here i sit at the desk again watching his eye humbly watching his eye as he rules a book for another victim whose hands have just been by that identical ruler and who is trying to wipe the sting out with a pocket handkerchief i have plenty to do i don t watch his eye in idleness but because i am attracted to it in a dread desire to know what he will do next and whether it will be my turn to suffer or somebody else s a lane of small boys beyond me with the same interest in his eye watch it too i think he knows it though he he don t he makes dreadful mouths as he rules the and now he throws his eye sideways down our lane and we all over our books and tremble a moment afterwards we are again him an unhappy found guilty of imperfect exercise approaches at his command the excuses and a determination to do better to morrow mr cuts a joke before he beats him and we laugh at it miserable little dog s we laugh with our as white as ashes and our hearts sinking into our boots here i sit at the desk again on a drowsy summer afternoon a and hum go up around me as if the boys were so many blue bottles a sensation of the fat of meat is upon me we dined an hour or two ago and my head is as heavy as so much lead i would give the world to go to
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of the principal names no great impression was made by it as they were pretty sure of getting into trouble to morrow do what they would and thought it wise no doubt to enjoy themselves to day it was properly a half holiday being saturday but as the noise in the would have disturbed mr and the weather was not favorable for going out walking we were ordered into school in the afternoon and set some lighter tasks than usual which were made for the the personal history and experience occasion it was the day of the week on which mr sharp went out to get his wig curled so mr who always did the whatever it was kept school by himself if i could associate the idea of a bull or a bear with any one so mild as mr i should think of him in with that afternoon when the uproar was at its height as of one of those animals by a thousand dogs i recall him bending his aching head supported on his bony hand over the book on his desk and endeavouring to get on with his tiresome work amidst an uproar that might have made the speaker of the house of giddy boys started in and out of their places playing at in the corner with other boys there were laughing boys singing boys talking boys dancing boys howling boys boys with their feet boys whirled about him grinning making faces him behind his back and before his eyes his poverty his boots his coat his mother everything belonging to him that they should have had consideration for silence cried mr suddenly rising up and striking his desk with the book what does this mean it s impossible to bear it it s how can you do it to me boys it was my book that he struck his desk with and as i stood beside him following his eye as it glanced round the room i saw the boys all stop some suddenly surprised some half afraid and some sorry perhaps s place was at the bottom of the school at the opposite end of the long room he was lounging with his back against the wall and his hands in his pockets and looked at mr with his mouth shut up as if he were whistling when mr looked at him silence mr said mr silence yourself said turning red whom are you talking to sit down said mr sit down yourself said and mind your business there was a and some applause but mr was so white that silence immediately succeeded and one boy who had darted out behind him to imitate his mother again changed his mind and pretended to want a pen mended if you think said mr that i am not acquainted with the power you can establish over any mind here he laid his hand without considering what he did as i supposed upon my head or that i have not observed you within a few minutes urging on to every sort of outrage against me you are mistaken i don t give myself the trouble of thinking at all about you said coolly so i m not mistaken as it happens and when you make use of your position of here sir pursued mr with his lip trembling very much to insult a gentleman a what where is he said here somebody cried out shame j too bad it was whom mr instantly by bidding him hold his tongue to insult one who is not fortunate in life sir and who never gave op david you the least offence and the many reasons for not insulting whom you are old enough and wise enough to understand said mr with his lip trembling more and more you commit a mean and base action you can sit down or stand up as you please sir go on young said coming forward up the room stop a bit i tell you what mr once for all when you take the liberty of calling me mean or base or anything of that sort you are an impudent beggar you are always a beggar you know but when you do that you are an impudent beggar i am not clear whether he was going to strike mr or mr was going to strike him or there was any such intention on either side i saw a come upon the whole school as if they had been turned into stone and found mr in the midst of us with at his side and mrs and miss looking in at the door as if they were frightened mr with his elbows on his desk and his face in his hands sat for some moments quite still mr said mr shaking him by the arm and his whisper was so audible now that felt it unnecessary to repeat his words you have not forgotten yourself i hope no sir no returned the master showing his face and shaking his head and rubbing his hands in great agitation no sir no i have remembered myself i no mr i have not forgotten myself i i have remembered myself sir i i could wish you had remembered me a little sooner mr it it would have been more kind sir more just sir it would have saved me something sir mr looking hard at mr put his hand on s shoulder and got his feet upon the form close by and sat upon the desk after still looking hard at mr from this throne as he shook his head and rubbed his hands and remained in the same state of agitation mr turned to and said now sir as he don t condescend to tell me what is this the question for a little while looking in scorn and anger on his opponent and remaining
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silent i could not help thinking even in that interval i remember what a noble fellow he was in appearance and how homely and plain mr looked opposed to him what did he mean by talking about then said at length repeated mr with the veins in his forehead swelling quickly who talked about he did said and pray what did you mean by that sir demanded mr turning angrily on his assistant i meant mr he returned in a low voice as i said that no had a right to avail himself of his position of to me to you said mr my stars but give me leave to ask you mr what s your name and here mr folded his arms cane and all upon his chest and made such a knot of his brows that his little eyes were hardly visible below them whether when you the personal history and experience talk about you showed proper respect to me to me sir said mr darting his head at him suddenly and drawing it back again the principal of this establishment and your employer it was not judicious sir i am willing to admit said mr i should not have done so if i had been cool here struck in then he said i was mean and then he said i was base and then i called him a beggar if had been cool perhaps i shouldn t have called him a beggar but i did and i am ready to take the consequences of it without considering perhaps whether there were any consequences to be taken i felt quite in a glow at this gallant speech it made an impression on the boys too for there was a low stir among them though no one spoke a word i am surprised although your does you honor said mr does you honor certainly i am surprised i must say that you should attach such an epithet to any person employed and paid in house sir gave a short laugh that s not an answer sir said mr to my remark i expect more than that from you if mr looked homely in my eyes before the handsome boy it would be quite impossible to say how homely mr looked let him deny it said deny that he is a beggar cried mr why where does he go a begging if he is not a beggar himself his near relation s one said it s all the same he glanced at me and mr s hand gently patted me upon the shoulder i looked up with a flush upon my face and remorse in my heart but mr s eyes were fixed on he continued to pat me kindly on the shoulder but he looked at him since you expect me mr to justify myself said and to say what i mean what i have to say is that his mother lives on charity in an house mr still looked at him and still patted me kindly on the shoulder and said to himself in a whisper if i heard right yes i thought so mr turned to his assistant with a severe frown and labored politeness now you hear what this gentleman says mr have the goodness if you please to set him right before the assembled school he is right sir without returned mr in the midst of a dead silence what he has said is true be so good then as declare publicly will you said mr putting his head on one side and rolling his eyes round the school whether it ever came to my knowledge until this moment i believe not directly he returned why you know not said mr don t you man i apprehend you never supposed my worldly circumstances to be very good replied the assistant tou know what my position is and always has been here op david i apprehend if you come to that said mr with his veins swelling again bigger than ever that you ve been in a wrong position altogether and this for a charity school mr we part if you please the sooner the better there is no time answered mr rising like the present sir to you said mr i take my leave of you mr and of all of you said mr glancing round the room and again patting me gently on the shoulder james the best wish can leave you is that you may come to be ashamed of what you have done to day at present i would prefer to see you anything rather than a friend to me or to any one in whom i feel an interest once more he laid his hand upon my shoulder and then taking his and a few books from his desk and leaving the key in it for his successor he went out of the school with his property under his arm mr then made a speech through in which he thanked for asserting though perhaps too warmly the independence and respectability of house and which be wound up by shaking hands with while we gave three cheers i did not quite know what for but i supposed for and so joined in them though i felt miserable mr then for being discovered in tears instead of cheers on account of mr s departure and went back to his sofa or his bed or wherever he had come from we were left to ourselves now and looked very blank i recollect on one another for myself i felt so much self reproach and for my part in what had happened that nothing would have enabled me to keep back my tears but the fear that who often looked at me i saw might think it or i should rather say considering our relative ages and the with which i regarded him if i showed the emotion which
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distressed me he was very angry with and said he was glad he had caught it poor who had passed the stage of lying with his head upon the desk and was himself as usual with a burst of said he didn t care mr was ill used who has ill used him you girl said why you have returned what have i done said what have you done retorted hurt his feelings and lost him his situation his feelings repeated his feelings will soon get the better of it i be bound his feelings are not like yours miss as to his situation which was a precious one wasn t it do you suppose i am not going to write home and take care that he gets some money we thought this intention very noble in whose mother was a widow and rich and would do almost anything it was said that he asked her we were all extremely glad to see so put down and exalted to the skies especially when he told us as he condescended to do that what he had done had been done expressly for us and the personal history and experience for our cause and that he had conferred a great boon upon us by it but i must say that when i was going on with a story in the dark that night mr s old seemed more than once to sound mournfully in my ears and that when at last was tired and i lay down in my bed i fancied it playing so sorrowfully somewhere that i was quite wretched i soon forgot him in the contemplation of who in an easy amateur way and without any book he seemed to me to know everything by heart took some of his classes until a new master was found the new master came from a grammar school and before he entered on his duties dined in the parlor one day to be introduced to approved of him highly and told us he was a brick without exactly understanding what learned distinction was meant by this i respected him greatly for it and had no doubt whatever of his superior knowledge though he never took the pains with me not that i was anybody that mr had taken there was only one other event in this half year out of the daily school life that made an impression on me which still it for many reasons one afternoon when we were all harassed into a state of dire confusion and mr was laying about him dreadfully came in and called out in his usual strong way visitors for a few words were between him and mr as who the visitors were and what room they were to be shown into and then i who had according to custom stood up on the announcement being made and felt quite faint with astonishment was told to go by the back stairs and get a clean on before i repaired to the dining room these orders i obeyed in such a flutter and hurry of my young spirits as i had never known before and when i got to the parlor door and the thought came into my head that it might be my mother i had only thought of mr or miss until then i drew back my hand from the lock and stopped to have a sob before i went in at first i saw nobody but feeling a pressure against the door i looked round it and there to my amazement were mr and ham at me with their hats and one another against the wall i could not help laughing but it was much more in the pleasure of seeing them than at the appearance they made we shook hands in a very cordial way and i laughed and laughed until i pulled out my pocket handkerchief and wiped my eyes mr who never shut his mouth once i remember during the visit showed great concern when he saw me do this and ham to say something cheer up r bo said ham in his way why how you have am i grown i said drying my eyes i was not crying at anything particular that i know of but somehow it made me cry to see old friends r bo ain t he said ham ain t he said mr op david they made me laugh again by laughing at each other and then we all three laughed until i was in danger of crying again do you know how is mr i said and how my dear dear old is said mr and little em ly and mrs on common said mr there was a silence mr to relieve it took two prodigious and an enormous and a large canvas bag of out of his pockets and piled them up in ham s arms you see said mr knowing as you was partial to a little relish with your wit ties when you was along with us we took the liberty the old em she did mrs em yes said mr slowly who i thought appeared to stick to the subject on account of having no other subject ready mrs i do assure you she em i expressed my thanks and mr after looking at ham who stood smiling over the shell fish without making any attempt to help him said we come you see the wind and tide making in our favor in one of our to my sister she wrote to me the name of this here place and wrote to me as if ever i chanced to come to i was to come over and for r and give her humbly wishing him well and of the ly as they was toe be sure little em ly you see she write to my sister when i go back as
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i see you and as you was and so we make it quite a merry go i was obliged to consider a little before i understood what mr meant by this figure expressive of a complete circle of intelligence i then thanked him heartily and said with a consciousness of that i supposed little em ly was altered too since we used to pick up shells and pebbles on the beach she s getting to be a woman that s she s getting to be said mr ask him he meant ham who beamed with delight and assent over the bag of her pretty face said mr with his own shining like a light her learning said ham her writing said mr why it s as black as jet and so large it is you might see it it was perfectly delightful to behold with what enthusiasm mr became inspired when he thought of his little favorite he stands before me again his bluff hairy face with a joyful love and pride for which i can find no description his honest eyes fire up and sparkle as if their depths were stirred by something bright his broad chest with pleasure his strong loose hands themselves in his earnestness and he what he says with aright arm that shows in my view like a hammer ham was quite as earnest as he i dare say they would have said the personal history and experience much more about her if they had not been abashed by the unexpected coming in of who seeing me in a corner speaking with two strangers stopped in a song he was singing and said i didn t know you were here young for it was not the usual visiting room and crossed by us on his way out i am not sure whether it was in the pride of having such a friend as or in the desire to explain to him how i came to have such a friend as mr that i called to him as he was going away but i said modestly good heaven how it all comes back to me this long time afterwards don t go if you please these are two very kind good people who are relations of my nurse and have come from to see me aye aye said returning i am glad to see them how are you both there was an ease in his manner a gay and light manner it was but not which i still believe to have borne a kind of enchantment with it i still believe him in virtue of this carriage his animal spirits his delightful voice his handsome face and figure and for aught i know of some power of attraction besides which i think a few people possess to have carried a spell with him to which it was a natural weakness to yield and which not many persons could withstand i could not but see how pleased they were with him and how they seemed to open their hearts to him in a moment you must let them know at home if you please mr i said when that letter is sent that mr is very kind to me and that i don t know what i should ever do here without him nonsense said laughing you mustn t tell them anything of the sort and if mr ever comes into or mr i said while i am there you may depend upon it i shall bring him to if he will let me to see your house you never saw such a good house it s made out of a boat made out of a boat is it said it s the right sort of house for such a thorough built so tis sir so tis sir said ham grinning you re right young gen n r bo gen n s right a thorough built that s what he is too mr was no less pleased than his nephew though his modesty forbade him to claim a personal compliment so well sir he said bowing and and in the ends of his at his breast i sir i i do my in my line of life sir the best of men can do no more mr said he had got his name already i pound it it s you do yourself sir said mr shaking his head and you do well right well i sir i m to you sir for your manner of me i m rough sir but i m ready least ways i hope i m ready you understand my house ain t much for to see sir but it s hearty at your service if ever you of david should come along with r to see it i ma lar i am said mr by which he meant and this was in allusion to his being slow to go for he had attempted to go after every sentence and had somehow or other come back again but i wish you both well and i wish you happy ham echoed this sentiment and we parted with them in the manner i was almost tempted that evening to tell about pretty little em ly but i was too timid of mentioning her name and too much afraid of his laughing at me i remember that i thought a good deal and in an uneasy sort of way about mr having said that she was getting on to be a woman but i decided that was nonsense we transported the shell fish or the relish as mr had modestly called it up into our room unobserved and made a great supper that evening but couldn t get happily out of it he was too unfortunate even to come through a supper like anybody else he was taken ill in the night quite prostrate he was
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in consequence of and after being with black draughts and blue to an extent which whose father was a doctor said was enough to a horse s constitution received a and six chapters of greek testament for refusing to confess the rest of the half year is a in my recollection of the daily strife and struggle of our lives of the summer and the changing season of the frosty mornings when we were rung out of bed and the cold cold smell of the dark nights when we were rung into bed again of the evening dimly lighted and warmed and the morning which was nothing but a great shivering machine of the of boiled beef with roast beef and boiled mutton with roast mutton of of bread and butter dog s lesson books cracked tear blotted copy books hair rainy sundays and a dirty atmosphere of ink surrounding all i well remember though how the distant idea of the holidays after seeming for an immense time to be a stationary speck began to come towards us and to grow and grow how from counting months we came to weeks and then to days and how i then began to be afraid that i should not be sent for and when i learnt from that i had been sent for and was certainly to go home had dim that i might break my leg first how the breaking up day changed its place fast at last from the week after next to next week this week the day after to morrow to morrow to day to night when i was inside the mail and going home i had many a broken sleep inside the mail and many an dream of all these things but when i awoke at intervals the ground outside the window was not the of house and the sound in my ears was not the sound of mr giving it to but the sound of the coachman touching up the horses the personal history and experience viii my holidays especially one happy afternoon when we arrived before day at the inn where the mail stopped which was not the inn where my friend the waiter lived i was shown up to a nice little bedroom with painted on the door very cold i was i know notwithstanding the hot tea they had given me before a large fire down stairs and very glad i was to turn into the s bed pull the s blankets round my head and go to sleep mr the was to call for me in the morning at nine o clock i got up at eight a little giddy from the of my night s rest and was ready for him before the appointed time he received me exactly as if not five minutes had elapsed since we were last together and i had only been into the hotel to get change for sixpence or something of that sort as soon as i and my box were in the cart and the seated the lazy horse walked away with us all at his accustomed pace you look very well mr i said thinking he would like to know it mr rubbed his cheek with his and then looked at his as if he expected to find some of the bloom upon it but made no other acknowledgment of the compliment i gave your message mr i said i wrote to ah said mr mr seemed and answered wasn t it right mr i asked after a little hesitation why no said mr not the message the message was right enough perhaps said mr but it come to an end there not understanding what he meant i repeated came to an end mr nothing come of it he explained looking at me sideways no answer there was an answer expected was there mr said i opening my eyes for this was a new light to me when a man says he s said mr turning his glance slowly on me again it s as much as to say that man s a for a answer well mi well said mr carrying his eyes back to his horse s ears that man s been a for a answer ever since have you told her so mr n no growled mr reflecting about it i ain t got no call to go and tell her so i never said six words to her myself ain t a goin to tell her so of david would you like me to do it mr said i doubtfully you might tell her if you would said mr with another slow look at me that was a for a answer says you what name is it her name ah said mr with a nod of his head name or name said mr oh it s not her christian name her christian name is is it though said mr he seemed to find an immense fund of reflection in this circumstance and sat pondering and inwardly whistling for some time well he resumed at length says you is a for a answer says she perhaps answer to what says you to what i told you what is that says she is says you this extremely artful suggestion mr accompanied with a of his elbow that gave me quite a in my side after that he over his horse in his usual manner and made no other reference to the subject except half an hour afterwards taking a piece of chalk from his pocket and writing up inside the of the cart apparently as a private ah what a strange feeling it was to be going home when it was not home and to find that every object i looked at reminded me of the happy old home which was like a dream i could never dream again the days when my mother and i and
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were all in all to one another and there was no one to come between us rose up before me so sorrowfully on the road that i am not sure i was glad to be there not sure but that i would rather have remained away and forgotten it in s company but there i was and soon i was at our house where the bare old elm trees wrung their many hands in the bleak wintry air and of the old nests drifted away upon the wind the put my box down at the garden gate and left me i walked along the path towards the house glancing at the windows and fearing at every step to see mr or miss lowering out of one of them no face appeared however and being come to the house and knowing how to open the door before dark without knocking i went in with a quiet timid step god knows how the memory may have been that was awakened within me by the sound of my mother s voice in the old parlor when i set foot in the hall she was singing in a low tone i think i must have lain in her arms and heard her singing so to me when i was but a baby the strain was new to me and yet it was so old that it filled my heart brim full like a friend come back from a long absence i believed from the solitary and thoughtful way in which my mother murmured her song that she was alone and i went softly into the room she was sitting by the fire an infant whose tiny hand she held against her neck her eyes were looking down its face and she sat singing to it i was so far right that she had no other companion i spoke to her and she started and cried out but seeing me she the personal history and experience called me her dear lier own boy and coming half across the room to meet me down upon the ground and kissed me and laid my head down on her bosom near the little creature that was there and put its hand up to my lips i wish i had died i wish i had died then with that feeling in my heart i should have been more fit for heaven than i ever have been since he is your brother said my mother me my pretty boy my poor child then she kissed me more and more and clasped me round the neck this she was doing when came running in and down on the ground beside us and went mad about us both for a quarter of an hour it seemed that i had not been expected so soon the being much before his usual time it seemed too that mr and miss had gone out upon a visit in the neighbourhood and would not return before night i had never hoped for this i had never thought it possible that we three could be together undisturbed once more and felt for the time as if the old days were come back we dined together by the fireside was in attendance to wait upon us but my mother wouldn t let her do it and made her dine with us i had my own old plate with a brown view of a man of war in full sail upon it which had somewhere all the time i had been away and would not have had broken she said for a hundred pounds i had my own old with david on it and my own old little knife and fork that wouldn t cut while we were at table i thought it a favorable occasion to tell about mr who before i had finished what i had to tell her began to laugh and threw her apron over her face said my mother what s the matter only laughed the more and held her apron tight over her face when my mother tried to pull it away and sat as if her head were in a bag what are you doing you stupid creature said my mother laughing oh the man cried he wants to marry me it would be a very good match for you wouldn t it said my mother oh i don t know said don t ask me i wouldn t have him if he was made of gold nor i wouldn t have anybody then why don t you tell him so you ridiculous thing said my mother tell him so retorted looking out of her apron he has never said a word to me about it he knows better if he was to make so bold as say a word to me i should slap his face her own was as red as ever i saw it or any other face i think but she only covered it again for a few moments at a time when she was taken with a violent fit of laughter and after two or three of those attacks went on with her dinner i remarked that my mother though she smiled when looked at her became more serious and thoughtful i had seen at first that she was changed her face was very pretty still but it looked and too delicate and her hand was so thin and white that it seemed to me to be op david almost transparent but the change to which i now refer was to this it was in her manner which became anxious and fluttered at last she said putting out her hand and laying it affectionately on the hand of her old servant dear you are not going to be married me ma am returned staring lord bless you no not just yet said my mother tenderly never cried my mother took her hand and said don t
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leave me stay with me it will not be for long perhaps what should i ever do without you me leave you my precious cried not for all the world and his wife why what s put that in your silly little head for had been used of old to talk to my mother sometimes like a child but my mother made no answer except to thank her and went running on in her own fashion me leave you i think i see myself go away from you i should like to catch her at it no no no said shaking her head and folding her arms not she my dear it isn t that there ain t some cats that would be well enough pleased if she did but they shan t be pleased they shall be i stay with you till i am a cross old woman and when i m too deaf and too lame and too blind and too for want of teeth to be of any use at all even to be found fault with then i shall go to my and ask him to take me in and says i i shall be glad to see you and i make you as welcome as a queen bless your dear heart cried i know you will and she kissed me beforehand in grateful acknowledgment of my hospitality after that she covered her head up with her apron again and had another laugh about mr after that she took the baby out of its little cradle and nursed it after that she cleared the dinner table after that came in with another cap on and her work box and the yard measure and the bit of wax candle all just the same as ever we sat round the fire and talked delightfully i told them what a hard master mr was and they pitied me very much i told them what a fine fellow was and what a patron of mine and said she would walk a score of miles to see him i took the little baby in my arms when it was awake and nursed it lovingly when it was asleep again i crept close to my mother s side according to my old custom broken now a long time and sat with my arms embracing her waist and my little red cheek on her shoulder and once more felt her beautiful hair drooping over me hke an angel s wing as i used to think i recollect and was very happy indeed while i sat thus looking at the fire and seeing pictures in the red hot coals i almost believed that i had never been away that mr and miss were such pictures and would vanish when the fire got low and that there was nothing real in all that i remembered save my mother and i away at a as long as she could see and then g the personal history and experience sat with it drawn on her left hand like a glove and her needle in her right ready to take another whenever there was a blaze i cannot conceive whose stockings they can have been that was always or where such an supply of stockings in want of can have come from from my earliest infancy she seems to have been always employed in that class of and never by any chance in any other i wonder said who was sometimes seized with a fit of wondering on some most unexpected topic what s become of s lor observed my mother rousing herself from a reverie what nonsense you talk well but i really do wonder ma am said what can have put such a person in your head inquired my mother is there nobody else in the world to come there i don t know how it is said unless it s on account of being stupid but my head never can pick and choose its people they come and they go and they don t come and they don t go just as they like i wonder what s become of her how absurd you are returned my mother one would suppose you wanted a second visit from her lord forbid cried well then don t talk about such uncomfortable things there s a good soul said my mother miss is shut up in her cottage by the sea no doubt and will remain there at all events she is not likely ever to trouble us again no mused no that ain t likely at all i wonder if she was to die whether she d leave anything good gracious me returned my mother what a woman you are when you know that she took offence at the poor dear boy s ever being born at all i suppose she wouldn t be inclined to forgive him now hinted why should she be inclined to forgive him now said my mother rather sharply now that he s got a brother i mean said my mother immediately began to cry and wondered how dared to say such a thing as if this poor little innocent in its cradle had ever done any harm to you or anybody else you jealous thing said she you had much better go and marry mr the why don t you i should make miss happy if i was to said what a bad disposition you have returned my mother you are as jealous of miss as it is possible for a ridiculous creature to be you want to keep the keys yourself and give out all the things i suppose i shouldn t be surprised if you did when you know that she only does it out of kindness and the best intentions you know she does you know it well muttered something to the effect of bother the best intentions and something else to the
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effect that there was a little too much of the best intentions going on oe david i know what you mean you cross thing said my mother i understand you perfectly you know i do and i wonder you don t color up like fire but one point at a time miss is the point now and you sha n t escape from it haven t you heard her say over and over again that she thinks i am too thoughtless and too a a pretty suggested well returned my mother half laughing and if she is so silly as to say so can i be blamed for it no one says you can said no i should hope not indeed returned my mother haven t you heard her say over and over again that on this account she wishes to spare me a great deal of trouble which she thinks i am not suited for and which i really don t know myself that i am suited for and isn t she up early and late and going to and fro continually and doesn t she do all sorts of things and into all sorts of places coal holes and and i don t know where that can t be very agreeable and do you mean to that there is not a sort of devotion in that i don t at all said you do returned my mother you never do anything else except your work you are always you in it and when you talk of mr s good intentions i never talked of em said no returned my mother but you that s what i told you just now that s the worst of you you will i said at the moment that i understood you and you see i did when you talk of mr s good intentions and pretend to slight them for i don t believe you really do in your heart you must be as well convinced as i am how good they are and how they him in everything if he seems to have been at all stern with a certain person you understand and so i am sure does that i am not alluding to any body present it is solely because he is satisfied that it is for a certain person s benefit he naturally loves a certain person on my account and acts solely for a certain person s good he is better able to judge of it than i am for i very well know that i am a weak girlish creature and that he is a firm grave serious man and he takes said my mother with the tears which were in her affectionate nature stealing down her face he takes great pains with me and i ought to be very thankful to him and very to him even in my thoughts and when i am not i worry and condemn myself and feel doubtful of my own heart and don t know what to do sat with her chin on the foot of the looking silently at the fire there said my mother changing her tone don t let us fall out with one another for i couldn t bear it you are my true friend i know if i have any in the world when i call you a ridiculous creature or a thing or anything of that sort i only mean that you are my true friend and always have been ever since the night when mr first brought me home here and you came out to the gate to meet me g the personal history and experience was not slow to respond and the treaty of friendship by giving me one of her best i think i had some glimpses of the real character of this conversation at the time but i am sure now that the good creature originated it and took her part in it merely that my mother might comfort herself with the little contradictory summary in which she had indulged the design was for i remember that my mother seemed more at ease during the rest of the evening and that observed her less when we had had our tea and the ashes were thrown up and the candles i read a chapter out of the book in remembrance of old times she took it out of her pocket i don t know whether she had kept it there ever since and then we talked about house which brought me round again to who was my great subject we were very happy and that evening as the last of its race and destined to close that volume of my life will never pass out of my memory it was almost ten o clock before we heard the sound of wheels we all got up then and my mother said hurriedly that as it was so and mr and miss approved of early hours for young people perhaps i had better go to bed i kissed her and went up stairs with my candle directly before they came in it appeared to my childish fancy as i ascended to the bedroom where i had been imprisoned that they brought a cold blast of air into the house which blew away the old familiar feeling like a feather i felt uncomfortable about going down to breakfast in the morning as i had never set eyes on mr since the day when i committed my memorable offence however as it must be done i went down after two or three false starts half way and as many runs back on to my own room and presented myself in the parlor he was standing before the fire with his back to it while miss made the tea he looked at me steadily as i entered but made no sign of recognition whatever i
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went up to him after a moment of confusion and said i beg your pardon sir i am very sorry for what i did and i hope you will forgive me i am glad to hear you are sorry david he replied the hand he gave me was the hand i had bitten i could not restrain my eye from resting for an instant on a red spot upon it but it was not so red as i turned when i met that sinister expression in his face how do you do ma am i said to miss ah dear me sighed miss giving me the tea instead of her fingers how long are the holidays a month ma am counting from when to day ma am oh said miss then here s one day off she kept a of the holidays in this way and every morning checked a day off in exactly the same manner she did it gloomily until she came to ten but when she got into two figures she became more hopeful and as the time advanced even it was on this very first day that i had the misfortune to throw her of david though she was not subject to such weaknesses in general into a state of violent consternation i came into the room where she and my mother were sitting and the baby who was only a few weeks old being on my mother s lap i took it very carefully in my arms suddenly miss gave such a scream that i all but dropped it my dear jane cried my mother good heavens do you see exclaimed miss see what my dear jane said my mother where he s got it cried miss the boy has got the baby she was limp with horror but herself to make a dart at me and take it out of my arms then she turned faint and was so very ill that they were obliged to give her cherry brandy i was solemnly by her on her recovery from touching my brother any more on any pretence whatever and my poor mother who i could see wished otherwise meekly confirmed the by saying no doubt you are right my dear jane on another occasion when we three were together this same dear baby it was truly dear to me for our mother s sake was the innocent occasion of miss s going into a passion my mother who had been looking at its eyes as it lay upon her lap said come here and looked at mine i saw miss lay her beads down i declare said my mother gently they are exactly i suppose they are mine i think they are the color of mine but they are wonderfully alike what are you talking about said miss my dear jane faltered my mother a uttle abashed by the harsh tone of this inquiry i find that the baby s eyes and s are exactly alike said miss rising angrily you are a positive fool sometimes my dear jane remonstrated my mother a positive fool said miss who else could compare my brother s baby with your boy they are not at all alike they are exactly unlike they are utterly in all respects i hope they will ever remain so i will not sit here and hear such made with that she stalked out and made the door bang after her in short i was not a favorite with miss in short i was not a favorite there with anybody not even with myself for those who did like me could not show it and those who did not showed it so plainly that i had a sensitive consciousness of always appearing constrained and dull i felt that i made them as uncomfortable as they made me if i came into the room where they were and they were talking together and my mother seemed cheerful an anxious cloud would steal over her face from the moment of my entrance if mr were in his best humor i checked him if miss were in her worst i it i had perception enough to know that my mother was the victim always that she was afraid to speak to me or be kind to me lest she should give them some offence by her manner of doing so and receive a lecture the personal history and experience afterwards that she was not only afraid of her own offending but of my offending and uneasily watched their looks if i only moved therefore i resolved to keep myself as much out of their way as i could and many a wintry hour did i hear the church clock strike when i was sitting in my cheerless bedroom wrapped in my little great coat over a book in the evening sometimes i went and sat with in the kitchen there i was comfortable and not afraid of being myself but neither of these resources was approved of in the parlor the humor which was dominant there stopped them both i was still held to be necessary to my poor mother s training and as one of her trials could not be suffered to absent myself david said mr one day after dinner when i was going to leave the room as usual i am sorry to observe that you are of a sullen disposition as sulky as a bear said miss i stood still and hung my head now david said mr a sullen disposition is of all the worst and the boy s is of all such dispositions that ever i have seen remarked his sister the most confirmed and stubborn i think my dear even you must observe it i beg your pardon my dear jane said my mother but are you quite sure i am certain you excuse me my dear jane that you understand i should be somewhat
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ashamed of myself returned miss if i could not understand the boy or any boy i don t profess to be profound but i do lay claim to common sense no doubt my dear jane returned my mother your understanding is very vigorous oh dear no pray don t say that interposed miss angrily but i am sure it is resumed my mother and everybody knows it is i profit so much by it myself in many ways at least i ought to that no one can be more convinced of it than myself and therefore i speak with great my dear jane i assure you we say i don t understand the boy returned miss arranging the little on her wrists we agree if you please that i don t understand him at all he is much too deep for me but perhaps my brother s penetration may enable him to have some insight into his character and i believe my brother was speaking on the subject when we not very decently interrupted him i think said mr in a low grave voice that there may be better and more judges of such a question than you edward replied my mother timidly you are a far better judge of all questions than i pretend to be both you and jane are i only said you only said something weak and he replied try not to do it again my dear and keep a watch upon yourself my mother s lips moved as if she answered yes my dear edward but she said nothing aloud i was sorry david i remarked said mr turning his head op david and his eyes stiffly towards me to observe that you are of a sullen disposition this is not a character that i can suffer to develop itself beneath my eyes without an effort at improvement you must endeavour sir to change it we must endeavour to change it for you i beg your pardon sir i faltered i have never meant to be sullen since i came back don t take refuge in a lie sir he returned so that i saw my mother involuntarily put out her trembling hand as if to between us you have withdrawn yourself in your to your own room you have kept your own room when you ought to have been here you know now once for all that i require you to be here and not there further that i require you to bring obedience here you know me david i will have it done miss gave a hoarse chuckle i will have a respectful prompt and ready bearing towards myself he continued and towards jane and towards your mother i will not have this room as if it were at the pleasure of a child sit down he ordered me a dog and i obeyed like a dog one thing more he said i observe that you have an attachment to low and common company you are not to associate with servants the kitchen will not improve you in the many respects in which you need improvement of the woman who you i say nothing since you addressing my mother in a lower voice from old associations and long established fancies have a weakness respecting her which is not yet overcome a most unaccountable delusion it is cried miss i only say he resumed addressing me that i of your preferring such company as mistress and that it is to be abandoned now david you understand me and you know what will be the consequence if you fail to obey me to the letter i knew well better perhaps than he thought as far as my poor mother was concerned and i obeyed him to the letter i retreated to my own room no more i took refuge with no more but sat wearily in the parlor day after day looking forward to night and what irksome i sitting in the same attitude hours upon hours afraid to move an arm or a leg lest miss should complain as she did on the least pretence of my restlessness and afraid to move an eye lest it should light on some look of dislike or scrutiny that would find new cause for complaint in mine what intolerable to sit listening to the of the clock and watching miss s little shiny steel beads as she strung them and wondering whether she would ever be married and if so to what sort of unhappy man and counting the divisions in the on the chimney piece and wandering away with my eyes to the ceiling among the curls and in the paper on the wall what walks i took alone down muddy lanes in the bad winter weather carrying that parlor and mr and miss in it everywhere a monstrous load that i was obliged to bear a that there was no possibility of breaking in a weight that on my wits and them the personal history and experience what meals i had in silence and embarrassment always feeling that there were a knife and fork too many and that mine an appetite too many and that mine a plate and chair too many and those mine a somebody too many and that i what evenings when the candles came and i was expected to employ myself but not daring to read an entertaining book over some hard headed harder hearted on when the tables of and measures set themselves to tunes as or away with melancholy and wouldn t stand still to be learnt but would go my grandmother s needle through my unfortunate head in at one ear and out at the other what and i into in spite of all my care what starts i came out of concealed sleeps with what answers i never got to little observations that i rarely made what a
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blank space i seemed which everybody overlooked and yet was in everybody s way what a heavy relief it was to hear miss hail the first stroke of nine at night and order me to bed thus the holidays away until the morning came when miss said here s the last day off and gave me the closing cup of tea of the i was not sorry to go i had into a stupid state but i was recovering a little and looking forward to mr loomed behind him again mr appeared at the gate and again miss in her warning voice said when my mother bent over me to bid me farewell i kissed her and my baby brother and was very sorry then but not sorry to go away for the gulf between us was there and the parting was there every day and it is not so much the embrace she gave me that lives in my mind though it was as fervent as could be as what followed the embrace i was in the s cart when i heard her calling to me i looked out and she stood at the garden gate alone holding her baby up in her arms for me to see it was cold still weather and not a hair of her head or a fold of her dress was stirred as she looked intently at me holding up her child so i lost her so i saw her afterwards in my sleep at school a silent presence near my bed looking at me with the same intent face holding up her baby in her arms ix i have a memorable birthday i pass over all that happened at school until the of my birthday came round in march except that was more to be admired than ever i remember nothing he was going away at the end of the half year if not sooner and was more spirited and independent than before in my eyes and therefore more engaging than before but beyond this i remember nothing the great remembrance by which that time is op david marked in my mind seems to have swallowed up all lesser recollections and to exist alone it is even difficult for me to believe that there was a gap of full two months between my return to house and the arrival of that birthday i can only understand that the fact was so because i know it must have been so otherwise i should feel convinced that there was no interval and that the one occasion trod upon the other s heels how well i recollect the kind of day it was i smell the fog that hung about the place i see the frost ghostly through it i feel my hair fall on my cheek i look along the dim perspective of the with a candle here and there to light up the morning and the breath of the boys and smoking in the raw cold as they blow upon their fingers and tap their feet upon the floor it was after breakfast and we had been summoned in from the when mr sharp entered and said david is to go into the parlor i expected a from and brightened at the order some of the boys about me put in their claim not to be forgotten in the distribution of the good things as i got out of my seat with great alacrity don t hurry david said mr sharp there s time enough my boy don t hurry i might have been surprised by the feeling tone in which he spoke if i had given it a thought but i gave it none until afterwards i hurried away to the parlor and there i found mr sitting at his breakfast with the cane and a newspaper before him and mrs with an opened letter in her hand but no david said mrs leading me to a sofa and sitting down beside me i want to speak to you very particularly i have something to tell you my child mr at whom of course i looked shook his head without looking at me and stopped up a sigh with a very large piece of toast you are too young to know how the world changes every day said mrs and how the people in it pass away but we all have to learn it david some of us when we are young some of us when we are old some of us at all times of our lives i looked at her earnestly when you came away from home at the end of the said mrs after a pause were they all well after another pause was your well i trembled without distinctly knowing why and still looked at her earnestly making no attempt to answer because said she i grieve to tell you that i hear this morning your is very ill a mist arose between mrs and me and her figure seemed to move in it for an instant then i felt the burning tears run down my face and it was steady again she is very ill she added i knew all now she is dead there was no need to tell me so i had already broken out into a desolate cry and felt an orphan in the wide world the personal history and experience she was very kind to me she kept me there all day and left me alone sometimes and i cried and wore myself to sleep and awoke and cried again when i could cry no more i began to think and then the oppression on my breast was heaviest and my grief a dull pain that there was no ease for and yet my thoughts were idle not intent on the calamity that weighed upon my heart but idly near it i thought of our house shut up and
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after some time during which i sat looking about me and thinking and listening to the in the room and the tune that was being across the yard appeared on a tray and turned out to be for me i have been acquainted with you said mr after watching me for some minutes during which i had not made much impression on the breakfast for the black things destroyed my appetite i have been acquainted with you a long time my young friend the history and experience have you sir all your life said mr i may say before it i knew your father before you he was five foot nine and a and be lays in five and ty foot of ground eat rat rat across the yard he lays in five and ty foot of ground if he lays in a said mr pleasantly it was either his request or her direction i forget which do you know how my little brother is sir i inquired mr shook his head eat rat rat he is in his mother s arms said he oh poor little is he dead don t mind it more than you can help said mr yes the baby s dead my wounds broke out afresh at this intelligence i left the breakfast and went and rested my head on another table in a corner of the little room which hastily cleared lest i should spot the mourning that was lying there with my tears she was a pretty girl and put my hair away from my eyes with a soft kind touch but she was very cheerful at having nearly finished her work and being in good time and was so different from me presently the tune left off and a good looking young fellow came across the yard into the room he had a hammer in his hand and his mouth was full of httle nails which he was obliged to take out before he could speak well said mr how do you get on all right said done sir colored a little and the other two girls smiled at one another what you were at it by candle light last night when i was at the club then were you said mr shutting up one eye yes said as you said we could make a little trip of it and go over together if it was done and me and you oh i thought you were going to leave me out altogether said mr laughing till he as you was so good as to say that resumed the young man why i turned to with a will you see will you give me your opinion of it i will said mr rising my dear and he stopped and turned to me would you like to see your no father interposed i thought it might be agreeable my dear said mr but perhaps you re right i can t say how i knew it was my dear dear mother s coffin that they went to look at i had never heard one making i had never seen one that i know of but it came into my mind what the noise was while it was going on and when the young man entered i am sure i knew what he had been doing the work being now finished the two girls whose names i had not heard brushed the and threads from their dresses and went into the shop to put that to rights and wait for customers stayed behind to fold up what they had made and pack it in two baskets this of david she did upon her knees humming a lively little tune the while who i had no doubt was her lover came in and stole a kiss from her while she was busy he didn t appear to mind me at all and said her father was gone for the chaise and he must make haste and get himself ready then he went out again and then she put her and in her pocket and stuck a needle with black thread neatly in the bosom of her gown and put on her outer clothing at a little glass behind the door in which i saw the reflection of her pleased face all this i observed sitting at the table in the corner with my head leaning on my hand and my thoughts running on very different things the chaise soon came round to the front of the shop and the baskets being put in first i was put in next and those three followed i remember it as a kind of half chaise cart half piano van painted of a sombre color and drawn by a black horse with a long tail there was plenty of room for us all i do not think i have ever experienced so strange a feeling in my life i am wiser now perhaps as that of being with them remembering how they had been employed and seeing them enjoy the ride i was not angry with them i was more afraid of them as if i were cast away among creatures with whom i had no community of nature they were very cheerful the old man sat in front to drive and the two young people sat behind him and whenever he spoke to them leaned forward the one on one side of his face and the other on the other and made a great deal of him they would have talked to me too but i held back and in my corner scared by their love making and though it was far from boisterous and almost wondering that no judgment came upon them for their hardness of heart so when they stopped to bait the horse and ate and drank and enjoyed themselves i could touch nothing that they touched but kept
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the on i see that good and faithful servant whom of all the people upon earth i love the best and unto whom my childish heart is certain that the lord will one day say well done there are many faces that i know among the little crowd faces that i knew in church when mine was always wondering there faces that first saw my mother when she came to the village in her youthful bloom i do not mind them i mind nothing but my grief and yet i see and know them all and even in the background far away see looking on and her eye glancing on her sweetheart who is near me it is over and the earth is filled in and we turn to come away before us stands our house so pretty and unchanged so linked in my mind with the young idea of what is gone that all my sorrow has been nothing to the sorrow it calls forth but they take me on and mr talks to me and when we get home puts some water to my lips and when i ask his leave to go up to my room me with the gentleness of a woman all this i say is yesterday s event events of later date have floated from me to the shore where all forgotten things will but this stands like a high rock in the ocean i knew that would come to me in my the sabbath stillness of the time the day was so like sunday i have forgotten that was suited to us both she sat down by my side upon my little bed and holding my hand and sometimes putting it to her and sometimes it with hers as she might have comforted my little brother told me in her way all that she had to tell concerning what had happened she was never well said for a long time she was uncertain in her mind and not happy when her baby was born i thought at first she would get better but she was more delicate and sunk a little every day she used to like to sit alone before her baby came and then she cried but afterwards she used to sing to it so soft that i once thought when i heard her it was like a voice up in the ah that was rising away i think she got to be more timid and more frightened like of late and that a hard word was like a blow to her but she was always the same to me she never changed to her foolish didn t my sweet girl here stopped and softly beat upon my hand a little the last time that i saw her like her own old self was the night when you came home my dear the day you went away she said to me i never shall see my pretty darling again something tells me so that tells the truth i know the history and experience she tried to hold up after that and many a time when they told her she was thoughtless and light hearted made believe to be so but it was all a then she never told her husband what she had told me she was afraid of saying it to anybody else till one night a little more than a week before it happened when she said to him my dear i think i am dying it s off my mind now she told me when i laid her in her bed that night he will it more and more poor fellow every day for a few days to come and then it will be past i am very tired if this is sleep sit by me while i sleep don t leave me god bless both my children god protect and keep my boy i never left her afterwards said she often talked to them two down stairs for she loved them she couldn t bear not to love any one who was about her but when they went away from her bedside she always turned to me as if there was rest where was and never fell asleep in any other way on the last night in the evening she kissed me and said e if my baby should die too please let them lay him in my arms and bury us together it was done for the poor lamb lived but a day beyond her let my dearest boy go with us to our resting place she said and tell him that his mother when she lay here blessed him not once but a thousand times another silence followed this and another gentle beating on my hand it was pretty far in the night said when she asked me for some drink and when she had taken it gave me such a patient smile the dear so beautiful daybreak had come and the sun was rising when she said to me how kind and considerate mr had always been to her and how he had borne with her and told her when she doubted herself that a loving heart was better and stronger than wisdom and that he was a happy man in hers my dear she said then put me nearer to you for she was very weak lay your good arm underneath my neck she said and turn me to you for your face is going far off and i want it to be near i put it as she asked and oh the time had come when my first parting words to you were true when she was glad to lay her poor head on her stupid cross old s arm and she died like a child that had gone to sleep thus ended s from the moment of my knowing
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of the death of my mother the idea of her as she had been of late had vanished from me i remembered her from that instant only as the young mother of my earliest impressions who had been used to wind her bright curls round and round her finger and to dance with me at twilight in the parlor what had told me now was so far from bringing me back to the later period that it rooted the earlier image in my mind it may be curious but it is true in her death she winged her way back to her calm youth and all the rest the mother who lay in the grave was the mother of my infancy the little creature in her arms was myself as i had once been hushed for ever on her bosom of david chapter x i become neglected and am provided for the first act of business miss performed when the day of the solemnity was over and light was freely admitted into the house was to give a month s warning much as would have disliked such a service i believe she would have retained it for my sake in preference to the best upon earth she told me we must part and told me why and we with one another in all sincerity as to me or my future not a word was said or a step taken happy they would have been i dare say if they could have dismissed me at a month s warning too i courage once to ask miss when i was going back to school and she answered she believed i was not going back at all i was told nothing more i was very to know what was going to be done with me and so was but neither she nor i could pick up any information on the subject there was one change in my condition which while it relieved me of a great deal of present uneasiness might have made me if i had been capable of considering it closely yet more uncomfortable about the future it was this the that had been put upon me was quite abandoned i was so far from being required to keep my dull post in the parlor that on several occasions when i took my seat there miss frowned to me to go away i was so far from being warned off from s society that provided i was not in mr s i was never sought out or inquired for at first i was in daily dread of his taking my education in hand again or of miss s herself to it but i soon began to think that such fears were and that all i had to anticipate was neglect i do not conceive that this discovery gave me much pain then i was still giddy with the shock of my mother s death and in a kind of stunned state as to all things i can recollect indeed to have at odd times on the possibility of my not being taught or cared for any more and growing up to be a shabby moody man lounging an idle life away about the village as well as on the of my getting rid of this picture by going away somewhere like the hero in a story to seek my fortune but these were transient visions day dreams i sat looking at sometimes as if they were faintly painted or written on the wall of my room and which as they melted away left the wall blank again i said in a thoughtful whisper one evening when i was warming my hands at the kitchen fire mr likes me less than he used to he never liked me much but he would rather not even see me now if he can help it perhaps it s his sorrow said my hair i am sure i am sorry too if i believed it was his sorrow i should not think of it at all but it s not that oh no it s not that h the personal history and experience how do you know it s not that said after a silence oh his sorrow is another and quite a different thing he is sorry at this moment sitting by the fireside with miss but if i was to go in he would be something besides what he be said angry i answered with an involuntary imitation of his dark frown if he was only sorry he wouldn t look at me as he does i am only sorry and it makes me feel kinder said nothing for a little while and i warmed my hands as silent as she she said at length yes i have tried my dear all ways i could think of all the ways there are and all the ways there ain t in short to get a suitable service here in but there s no such a thing my love and what do you mean to do says i wistfully do you mean to go and seek your fortune i expect i shall be forced to go to replied and live there you might have gone farther off i said brightening a little and been as bad as lost i shall see you sometimes my dear old there you won t be quite at the other end of the world will you contrary ways please god cried with great animation as long as you are here my pet i shall come over every week of my life to see you one day every week of my life i felt a great weight taken off my mind by this promise but even this was not all for went on to say i m a going you see to my brother s first for another fortnight s visit just till i have had time to
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look about me and get to be something like myself again now i have been thinking that perhaps as they don t want you here at present you might be let to go along with me if anything short of being in a different relation to every one about me could have given me a sense of pleasure at that time it would have been this project of all others the idea of being again surrounded by those honest faces shining welcome on me of the of the sweet sunday morning when the bells were ringing the stones dropping in the water and the shadowy ships breaking through the mist of up and down with little em ly telling her my troubles and finding charms against them in the shells and pebbles on the beach made a calm in my heart it was ruffled next moment to be sure by a doubt of miss s giving her consent but even that was set at rest soon for she came out to take an evening in the store closet while we were yet in conversation and with a boldness that amazed me the topic on the spot the boy will be idle there said miss looking into a jar and idleness is the root of all evil but to be sure he would be idle here or anywhere in my opinion had an angry answer ready i could see but she swallowed it for my sake and remained silent said miss still keeping her eye on the op david it is of more importance anything else it is of importance that my brother should not be disturbed or made uncomfortable suppose i had better say yes i thanked her without making any demonstration of joy lest it should induce her to withdraw her assent nor could i help thinking this a prudent course when she looked at me out of the jar with as great an access of as if her black eyes had absorbed its contents however the permission was given and was never for when the month was out and i were ready to depart mr came into the house for s boxes i had never known him to pass the garden gate before but on this occasion he came into the house and he gave me a look as he shouldered the largest box and went out which i thought had meaning in it if meaning could ever be said to find its way into mr s was naturally in low spirits at leaving what had been her home so many years and where the two strong of her life for my mother and myself had been formed she had been walking in the churchyard too very early and she got into the cart and sat in it with her handkerchief at her eyes so long as she remained in this condition mr gave no sign of life whatever he sat in his usual place and attitude like a great figure but when she began to look about her and to speak to me he nodded his head and grinned several times i have not the least notion at whom or what he meant by it it s a beautiful day mr i said as an act of politeness it ain t bad said mr who generally qualified his speech and rarely committed himself is quite comfortable now mr i remarked for his satisfaction is she though said mr after reflecting about it with a sagacious air mr eyed her and said are you pretty comfortable laughed and answered in the affirmative but really and truly you know are you growled mr sliding nearer to her on the seat and her with his elbow are you and truly pretty comfortable are you eh at each of these inquiries mr nearer to her and gave her another so that at last we were all crowded together in the left hand corner of the cart and i was so squeezed that i could hardly bear it calling his attention to my sufferings mr gave me a little more room at once and got away by degrees but i could not help observing that he seemed to think he had hit upon a wonderful expedient for expressing himself in a neat agreeable and pointed manner without the inconvenience of conversation he chuckled over it for some time by and by he turned to again and repeating are you pretty comfortable though bore down upon us as before until the breath was nearly out of my body by and by he made another descent upon us with the same inquiry and the same result at length i got up whenever i saw him h the personal history and experience coming and standing on the pretended to look at the prospect after which i did very well he was so polite as to stop at a public house expressly on our account and entertain us with mutton and beer even when was in the act of drinking he was seized with one of those approaches and almost choked her but as we drew nearer to the end of our journey he had more to do and less time for gallantry and when we got on pavement we were all too much shaken and i apprehend to have any leisure for any thing else mr and ham waited for us at the old place they received me and in an affectionate manner and shook hands with mr who with his hat on the very back of his head and a shame faced upon his countenance and his very legs presented but a vacant appearance i thought they each took one of s trunks and we were going away when mr solemnly made a sign to me with his forefinger to come under an i say growled mr it was all right i looked up into his face and answered
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with an attempt to be very profound oh it didn t come to a end there said mr nodding it was all right again i answered oh you know who was said my friend it was and only i nodded assent it s all right said mr shaking hands i m a friend of your n you made it all right first it s all right in his attempts to be particularly mr was so extremely mysterious that i might have stood looking in his face for an hour and most assuredly should have got as much information out of it as out of the face of a clock that had stopped but for s calling me away as we were going along she asked me what he had said and i told her he had said it was all right like his impudence said but i don t mind that dear what should you think if i was to think of being married why i suppose you would like me as much then as you do now i returned after a little consideration greatly to the astonishment of the passengers in the street as well as of her relations going on before the good soul was obliged to stop and embrace me on the spot with many of her love tell me what should you say darling she asked again when this was over and we were walking on if you were thinking of being married to mr yes said i should think it would be a very good thing then you know you would always have the horse and cart to bring you over to see me and could come for nothing and be sure of coming the sense of the dear cried what i have been thinking of this month back yes my precious and i think i should be more independent altogether you see let alone my working with a better heart in my own house than i could in anybody else s now i of david don t know what i might be fit for now as a servant to a stranger and i shall be always near my pretty s resting place said musing and able to see it when i like and when i lie down to rest i may be laid not far off from my darling girl we neither of us said anything for a little while but i wouldn t so much as give it another thought said cheerily if my was against it not if i had been asked in church thirty times three times over and was wearing out the ring in my pocket look at me i replied and see if i am not really glad and don t truly wish it as indeed i did with all my heart well my life said giving me a squeeze i have thought of it night and day every way i can and i hope the right way but i think of it again and speak to my brother about it and in the meantime we keep it to ourselves you and me is a good plain said and if i tried to do my duty by him i think it would be my fault if i wasn t if i wasn t pretty comfortable said laughing heartily this quotation from mr was so appropriate and us both so much that we laughed again and again and were quite in a pleasant humour when we came within view of mr s cottage it looked just the same except that it may perhaps have shrunk a little in my eyes and mrs was waiting at the door as if she had stood there ever since all within was the same down to the in the blue in my bedroom i went into the out house to look about me and the very same and possessed by the same desire to pinch the world in general appeared to be in the same state of in the same old corner but there was no little em ly to be seen so i asked mr where she was she s at school sir said mr wiping the heat consequent on the of s box from his forehead she be home looking at the dutch clock in from twenty minutes to half an hour s time we all on us feel the loss of her bless ye mrs moaned cheer up cried mr i feel it more than anybody else said mrs i m a lone and she used to be a most the only think that didn t go with me mrs and shaking her head applied herself to blowing the fire mr looking round upon us while she was so engaged said in a low voice which he shaded with his hand the old un this i rightly that no improvement had taken place since my last visit in the state of mrs s spirits now the whole place was or it should have been quite as delightful a place as ever and yet it did not impress me in the same way i felt rather disappointed with it perhaps it was because httle em ly was not at home i knew the way by which she would come and presently found myself strolling along the path to meet her a figure appeared in the distance before long and i soon knew it to be em ly who was a little creature still in stature though she was grown but w hen she drew nearer and i saw her blue eyes looking and her the personal history and experience face looking brighter and her whole self prettier and a curious feeling came over me that made me pretend not to know her and pass by as if i were looking at something a long way off i have done such a thing since in later life or i
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am mistaken little em ly didn t care a bit she saw me well enough but instead of turning round and calling after me ran away laughing this obliged me to run after her and she ran so fast that we were very near the cottage before i caught her oh it s you is it said little em ly why you knew who it was em ly said i and didn t you know who it was said em ly i was going to kiss her but she covered her cherry lips with her hands and said she wasn t a baby now and ran away laughing more than ever into the house she seemed to delight in me which was a change in her i wondered at very much the tea table was ready and our little was put out in its old place but instead of coming to sit by me she went and bestowed her company upon that grumbling mrs and on mr s inquiring why her hair all over her face to hide it and would do nothing but laugh a little it is said mr patting her with his great hand so sh is so sh is cried ham r bo so sh is and he sat and chuckled at her for some time in a state of mingled admiration and delight that made his face a burning red little em ly was spoiled by them all in fact and by no one more than mr himself whom she could have into anything by only going and laying her cheek against his rough that was my opinion at least when i saw her do it and i held mi to be thoroughly in the right but she was so affectionate and sweet natured and had such a pleasant manner of being both sly and shy at once that she me more than ever she was tender hearted too for when as we sat round the fire after tea an allusion was made by mr over his pipe to the loss i had sustained the tears stood in her eyes and she looked at me so kindly across the table that i felt quite thankful to her ah said mr taking up her curls and running them over his hand like water here s another orphan you see sir and here said mr giving ham a back handed knock in the chest is another of em though he don t look much like it if i had you for my guardian mr said i shaking my head i don t think i should much like it well said r bo cried ham in an ecstasy well said nor more you wouldn t here he returned mr s back and little em ly got up and kissed mr and how s your friend sir said mr to me that s the name cried mr turning to ham i it was something in our way you said it was observed ham laughing well retorted mr and ye steer with a don t ye it ain t fur off how is he sir op david he was very well indeed when i came away mr there s a friend said mr stretching ont his pipe there s a friend if you talk of friends why lord love my heart alive if it ain t a treat to look at him he is very handsome is he not said i my heart warming with this praise handsome cried mr he stands up to you like like a why i don t know what he stand up to you like he s so bold yes that s just his character said i he s as brave as a lion and you can t think how frank he is mr and i do suppose now said mr looking at me through the smoke of his pipe that in the way of book learning he d take the wind out of a most anything yes said i delighted he knows everything he is clever there s a friend murmured mi with a grave toss of his head nothing seems to cost him any trouble said i he knows a task if he only looks at it he is the best you ever saw he will give you almost as many men as you like at draughts and beat you easily mr gave his head another toss as much as to say of course he will he is such a speaker i pursued that he can win anybody over and i don t know what you d say if you were to hear him sing mr mj gave his head another toss as much as to say i have no doubt of it then he s such a generous fine noble fellow said i quite carried away by my favorite theme that it s hardly possible to give him as much praise as he deserves i am sure i can never feel thankful enough for the generosity with which he has protected me so much younger and lower in the school than himself i was running on very fast indeed when my eyes rested on little em ly s face which was bent forward over the table listening with the deepest attention her breath held her blue eyes sparkling like jewels and the color in her cheeks she looked so earnest and pretty that i stopped in a sort of wonder and they all observed her at the same time for as i stopped they laughed and looked at her em ly is like me said and would like to see him em ly was confused by our all observing her and hung down her head and her face was covered with glancing up presently through her stray curls and seeing that we were all looking at her still i am sure i for one could have looked at
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