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her for hours she ran away and kept away till it was nearly i lay down in the old little bed in the stern of the boat and the wind came moaning on across the flat as it had done before but i could not help now that it moaned of those who were gone and instead of thinking that the sea might rise in the night and float the boat away i thought of the sea that had risen since i last heard those sounds and drowned happy home i recollect as the wind and water began to the personal history and experience sound fainter in my ears putting a into my prayers that i might grow up to marry little em ly and so dropping lovingly asleep the days passed pretty much as they had passed before except it was a great exception that little em ly and i seldom wandered on the beach now she had tasks to learn and needle work to do and was absent during a great part of each day but i felt that we should not have had those old wanderings even if it had been otherwise wild and full of childish as em ly was she was more of a little woman than i had supposed she seemed to have got a great distance away from me in little more than a year she liked me but she laughed at me and tormented me and when i went to meet her stole home another way and was laughing at the door when i came back disappointed the best times were when she sat quietly at work in the doorway and i sat on the wooden step at her feet reading to her it seems to me at this hour that i have never seen such sunlight as on those bright april that i have never seen such a sunny little figure as i used to see sitting in the doorway of the old boat that i have never beheld such sky such water such ships sailing away into golden air on the very first evening after our arrival mr appeared in an exceedingly vacant and awkward condition and with a bundle of tied up in a handkerchief as he made no allusion of any kind to this property he was supposed to have left it behind him by accident when he went away until ham running after him to restore it came back with the information that it was intended for after that occasion he appeared every evening at exactly the same hour and always with a little bundle to which he never alluded and which he regularly put behind the door and left there these of affection were of a most various and eccentric description among them i remember a double set of pig s a huge pin cushion half a or so of apples a pair of jet some spanish a box of a bird and cage and a leg of pork mr s as i remember it was altogether of a peculiar kind he very seldom said anything but would sit by the fire in much the same attitude as he sat in in his cart and stare heavily at who was opposite one night being as i suppose inspired by love he made a dart at the bit of wax candle she kept for her thread and put it in his waistcoat pocket and carried it off after that his great delight was to produce it when it was wanted sticking to the of his pocket in a partially melted state and pocket it again when it was done with he seemed to enjoy himself very much and not to feel at all called upon to talk even when he took out for a walk on the he had no uneasiness on that head i believe himself with now and then asking her if she was pretty comfortable and i remember that sometimes after he was gone would throw her apron over her face and laugh for half an hour indeed we were all more or less amused except that miserable mrs whose courtship would appear to have been of an exactly parallel nature she was so continually reminded by these transactions of the old one at length when the term of my visit was nearly expired it was given out that and mr were going to make a day s holiday together and that little em ly and i were to accompany them i had f op david but a broken sleep the night before in anticipation of the pleasure of a whole clay with em ly we were all in the morning and while we were yet at breakfast mr appeared in the distance driving a chaise cart towards the object of his affections was as usual in her neat and quiet mourning but mr in a new blue coat of which the tailor had given him such good measure that the would have rendered gloves unnecessary in the weather while the collar was so high that it pushed his hair up on end on the top of his head his bright buttons too were of the largest size rendered complete by and a waistcoat i thought mr a phenomenon of respectability when we were all in a bustle outside the door i found that mr was prepared with an old shoe which was to be thrown after us for luck and which he offered to mrs for that purpose no it had better be done by somebody else dan l said mrs i m a lone myself and that reminds me of s that ain t lone and goes with me come old cried mr take and heave it no dan l returned mrs and shaking her head if i felt less i could do more you don t feel like me dan l thinks don t go with you nor
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you with them you had better do it yourself but here who had been going about from one to another in a hurried way kissing everybody called out from the cart in which we all were by this time em ly and i on two little chairs side by side that mrs must do it so mrs did it and i am sorry to relate cast a damp upon the character of our departure by immediately bursting into tears and sinking subdued into the arms of ham with the declaration that she she was a burden and had better be carried to the house at once which i really thought was a sensible idea that ham might have acted on away we went however on our holiday excursion and the first thing we did was to stop at a church where mr tied the horse to some rails and went in with leaving little em ly and me alone in the chaise i took that occasion to put my arm round em ly s waist and propose that as i was going away so very soon now we should determine to be very affectionate to one another and very happy all day little em ly and allowing me to kiss her i became desperate informing her i recollect that i never could love another and that i was prepared to shed the blood of anybody who to her affections how merry little em ly made herself about it with what a assumption of being immensely older and wiser than i the fairy woman said i was a silly boy and then laughed so that i forgot the pain of being called by that name in the pleasure of looking at her mr and were a good while in the church but came out at last and then we drove away into the country as we were going along mr turned to me and said with a wink by the by i should hardly have thought before that he could wink what name was it as i wrote up in the cart the personal history and experience i answered what name would it be as i should write up now if there was a here again i suggested he returned and burst into a roar of laughter that shook the chaise in a word they were married and had gone into the church for no other purpose was resolved that it should be quietly done and the clerk had given her away and there had been no witnesses of the ceremony she was a little confused when mr made this abrupt announcement of their union and could not me enough in token of her affection but she soon became herself again and said she was very glad it was over we drove to a little inn in a bye road where we were expected and where we had a very comfortable dinner and passed the day with great satisfaction if had been married every day for the last ten years she could hardly have been more at her ease about it it made no sort of difference in her she was just the same as ever and went out for a stroll with little em ly and me before tea while mr smoked his pipe and enjoyed himself i suppose with the contemplation of his happiness if so it sharpened his appetite for i distinctly call to mind that although he had eaten a good deal of pork and at dinner and had finished off with a fowl or two he was obliged to have cold boiled bacon for tea and disposed of a large quantity without any emotion i have often thought since what an odd innocent out of the way kind of wedding it must have been we got into the chaise again soon after dark and drove back looking up at the stars and talking about them i was their chief and opened mr s mind to an amazing extent i told him all i knew but he would have believed anything i might have taken it into my head to impart to him for he had a profound veneration for my abilities and informed his wife in my hearing on that very occasion that i was a young by which i think he meant when we had exhausted the subject of the stars or rather when i had exhausted the mental faculties of mr little em ly and i made a cloak of an old and sat under it for the rest of the journey ah how i loved her what happiness i thought if we were married and were going away anywhere to live among the trees and in the fields never growing older never growing wiser children ever rambling hand in hand through sunshine and among meadows laying down our heads on moss at night in a sweet sleep of purity and peace and buried by the birds when we were dead some such picture with no real world in it bright with the light of our innocence and vague as the stars afar off was in my mind all the way i am glad to think there were two such hearts at s marriage as little em ly s and mine i am glad to think the loves and graces took such airy forms in its homely procession well we came to the old boat again in good time at night and there mr and mrs bade us good bye and drove away to their own home i felt then for the first time that i had lost i should have gone to bed with a sore heart indeed under any other roof but that which sheltered little em ly s head op david mr and ham knew what was in my thoughts as well as i did and were ready with some supper and their hospitable faces to drive it away
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little em ly came and sat beside me on the for the only time in all that visit and it was altogether a wonderful close to a wonderful day it was a night tide and soon after we went to bed mr and ham went out to fish i felt very brave at being left alone in the solitary house the protector of em ly and mrs and only wished that a lion or a serpent or any ill disposed monster would make an attack upon us that i might destroy him and cover myself with glory but as nothing of the sort happened to be walking about on that night i provided the best substitute i could by dreaming of until morning with morning came who called to me as usual under my window as if mr the had been from first to last a dream too after breakfast she took me to her own home and a beautiful little home it was of all the in it i must have been most impressed by a certain old of some dark wood in the parlor the tile kitchen was the general sitting room with a retreating top which opened let down and became a desk within which was a large edition of fox s book of this precious volume of which i do not recollect one word i immediately discovered and immediately applied myself to and i never visited the house afterwards but i on a chair opened the where this was spread my arms over the desk and fell to devouring the book afresh i was chiefly i am afraid by the pictures which were numerous and represented all kinds of dismal horrors but the and s house have been inseparable in my mind ever since and are now i took leave of mr and ham and mrs and little em ly that day and passed the night at s in a little room in the roof with the book on a shelf by the bed s head which was to be always mine said and should always be kept for me in exactly the same state young or old dear as long as i am alive and have this house over my head said you shall find it as if i expected you here directly minute i shall keep it every day as i used to keep your old little room my and if you was to go to china you might think of it as being kept just the same all the time you were away i felt the truth and constancy of my dear old nurse with all my heart and thanked her as well as i could that was not very well for she spoke to me thus with her arms round my neck in the morning and i was going home in the morning and i went home in the morning with herself and mr in the cart they left me at the gate not easily or lightly and it was a strange sight to me to see the cart go on taking away and leaving me under the old elm trees looking at the house in which there was no face to look on mine with love or liking any more and now i fell into a state of neglect which i cannot look back upon without compassion i fell at once into a solitary condition apart from all friendly notice apart from the society of all other boys of my own age s the personal history and experience apart from all companionship but my own thoughts which seems to cast its gloom upon this paper as i write what would i have given to have been sent to the hardest school that ever was kept to have been taught something anyhow anywhere no such hope dawned upon me they disliked me and they sullenly sternly steadily overlooked me i think mr s means were at about this time but it is little to the purpose he could not bear me and in putting me from him he tried as i believe to put away the notion that i had any claim upon him and succeeded i was not ill used i was not beaten or starved but the wrong that was done to me had no intervals of and was done in a manner day after day week after week month after month i was coldly neglected i wonder sometimes when i think of it what they would have done if i had been taken with an illness whether i should have lain down in my lonely room and through it in my usual solitary way or whether anybody would have helped me out when mr and miss were at home i took my meals with them in their absence i ate and drank by myself at all times i about the house and neighbourhood quite disregarded except that they were jealous of my making any friends thinking perhaps that if i did i might complain to some one for this reason though mr often asked me to go and see him he was a having some years before that lost a little small haired wife whom i can just remember connecting in my own thoughts with a pale shell cat it was but seldom that i enjoyed the happiness of passing an afternoon in his closet of a reading some book that was new to me with the smell of the whole coming up my nose or something in a mortar under his mild directions for the same reason added no doubt to the old dislike of her i was seldom allowed to visit faithful to her promise she either came to see me or met me somewhere near once every week and never empty handed but many and bitter were the disappointments i had in being refused permission to pay a visit to her
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at her house some few times however at long intervals i was allowed to go there and then i found out that mr was something of a or as expressed it was a httle near and kept a heap of money in a box under his bed which he pretended was only full of coats and trousers in this his riches hid themselves with such a modesty that the smallest could only be tempted out by so that had to prepare a long and elaborate scheme a very plot for every saturday s expenses all this time i was so conscious of the waste of any promise i had given and of my being utterly neglected that i should have been perfectly miserable i have no doubt but for the old books they were my only comfort and i was as true to them as they were to me and read them over and over i don t know how many times more i now approach a period of my life which i can never lose the remembrance of while i remember any thing and the recollection of which has often without my come before me like a ghost and haunted happier times of david i had been out one day somewhere in the meditative manner that my way of life when turning the corner of a lane near our house i came upon mr walking with a gentleman i was confused and was going by them when the gentleman cried what no sir david i said don t tell me you are said the gentleman you are of that s your name at these words i observed the gentleman more attentively his laugh coming to my remembrance too i knew him to be mr whom i had gone over to with mr to see before it is no matter i need not recall when and how do you get on and where are you being educated said mr he had put his hand upon my shoulder and turned me about to walk with them i did not know what to reply and glanced at mr he is at home at present said the latter he is not being educated anywhere i don t know what to do with him he is a difficult subject that old double look was on me for a moment and then his eye darkened with a frown as it turned in its aversion elsewhere said mr looking at us both i thought fine weather silence ensued and i was considering how i could best my shoulder from his hand and go away when he said i suppose you are a pretty sharp fellow still eh aye he is sharp enough said mr impatiently you had better let him go he will not thank you for troubling him on this hint mr released me and i made the best of my way home looking back as i turned into the front garden i saw mr leaning against the of the churchyard and mr talking to him they were both looking after me and i felt that they were speaking of me mr lay at our house that night after breakfast the next morning i had put my chair away and was going out of the room when mr called me back he then gravely repaired to another table where his sister sat herself at her desk mr with his hands in his pockets stood looking out of window and i stood looking at them all david said mr to the young this is a world for action not for and in as you do added his sister jane leave it to me if you please i say david to the young this is a world for action and not for and in it is especially so for a young boy of your disposition which requires a great deal of and to which no greater service can be done than to force it to to the ways of the working world and to bend it and break it for won t do here said his sister what it wants is to be crushed and crushed it must be shall be too the personal history and experience he gave her a look half in remonstrance half in approval and went on i suppose you know david that i am not rich at any rate you know it now you have received some considerable education already education is costly and even if it were not and i could afford it i am of opinion that it would not be at all advantageous to you to be kept at a school what is before you is a fight with the world and the sooner you begin it the better i think it occurred to me that i had already begun it in my poor way but it occurs to me now whether or no you have heard the counting house mentioned sometimes said mr the counting house sir i repeated of and in the wine trade he replied i suppose i looked uncertain for he went on hastily you have heard the counting house mentioned or the business or the or the wharf or something about it i think i have heard the business mentioned sir i said remembering what i vaguely knew of his and his sister s resources but i don t know when it does not matter when he returned mr that business i glanced at the latter as he stood looking out of window mr suggests that it gives employment to some other boys and that he sees no reason why it shouldn t on the same terms give employment to you he having mr observed in a low voice and half turning round no other prospect mr with an impatient even an angry gesture resumed without noticing what he had said those terms are that you will earn enough for yourself
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to provide for your eating and drinking and pocket money your lodging which i have arranged for will be paid by me so will your washing which will be kept down to my estimate said his sister your clothes will be looked after for you too said mr as you will not be able yet awhile to get them for yourself so you are now going to london david with mr to begin the world on your own account in short you are provided for observed his sister and will please to do your duty though i quite understood that the purpose of this announcement was to get rid of me i have no distinct remembrance whether it pleased or frightened me my impression is that i was in a state of confusion about it and between the two points touched neither nor had i much time for the clearing of my thoughts as mr was to go upon the morrow behold me on the morrow in a much worn little white hat with a black round it for my mother a black jacket and a pair of hard stiff trousers which miss considered the best for the legs in that fight with the world which was now to come off behold me so attired and with my little worldly all before me in a small trunk sitting a lone child as mrs might have said in the post of david ill chaise that was carrying mr to the london coach at see how our house and church are in the distance how the grave beneath the tree is blotted out by intervening objects how the spire points upward from my old no more and the sky is empty xi i begin life on my own account and don t like it i know enough of the world now to have almost lost the capacity of being much surprised by anything but it is matter of some surprise to me even now that i can have been so easily thrown away at such an age a child of excellent abilities and with strong powers of observation quick eager and soon hurt bodily or mentally it seems wonderful to me that nobody should have made any sign in my behalf but none was made and i became at ten years old a hind in the service of and and s was at the water side it was down in modern improvements have altered the place but it was the last house at the bottom of a narrow street down hill to the river with some stairs at the end where people took boat it was a crazy old house with a wharf of its own on the water when the tide was in and on the mud when the tide was out and literally with rats its rooms with the dirt and smoke of a hundred years i dare say its floors and staircase the and of the old grey rats down in the and the dirt and of the place are things not of many years ago in my mind but of the present instant they are all before me just as they were in the evil hour when i went among them for the first time with my trembling hand in mr s and s trade was among a good many kinds of people but an important branch of it was the supply of and spirits to certain packet ships i forget now where they chiefly went but i think there were some among them that made voyages both to the east and west indies i know that a great many empty bottles were one of the consequences of this traffic and that certain men and boys were employed to examine them against the light and reject those that were and to and wash them when the empty bottles ran short there were to be on full ones or to be fitted to them or to be put upon the or finished bottles to be packed in all this work was my work and of the boys employed upon it i was one there were three or four of us counting me my working place was established in a corner of the where mr could see me when he chose to stand up on the bottom rail of his stool in the counting house and look at me through a window above the desk the personal history and experience hither on the first morning of my so beginning life on my own account the oldest of the regular boys was summoned to show me my business his name was and he wore a ragged apron and a paper cap he informed me that his father was a and walked in a black velvet head dress in the lord mayor s show he also informed me that our principal associate would be another boy whom he introduced by the to me extraordinary name of potatoes i discovered however that this youth had not been by that name but that it had been bestowed upon him in the on account of his complexion which was pale or s father was a who had the additional distinction of being a and was engaged as such at one of the large theatres where some young relation of s i think his little sister did in the no words can express the secret agony of my soul as i sunk into this companionship compared these henceforth every day associates with those of my happier childhood not to say with and the rest of those boys and felt my hopes of growing up to be a learned and distinguished man crushed in my bosom the deep remembrance of the sense i had of being utterly without hope now of the shame i felt in my position of the misery it was to my young heart to believe
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that day by day what i had learned and thought and delighted in and raised my fancy and my up by would pass away from me little by little never to be brought back any more cannot be written as often as went away in the course of that i mingled my tears with the water in which i was washing the bottles and sobbed as if there were a flaw in my own breast and it were in danger of bursting the counting house clock was at half past twelve and there was general preparation for going to dinner when mr tapped at the counting house window and beckoned to me to go in i went in and found there a middle aged person in a brown and black and shoes with no more hair upon his head which was a large one and very shining than there is upon an egg and with a very extensive face which he turned full upon me his clothes were shabby but he had an imposing shirt collar on he carried a sort of a stick with a large pair of rusty to it and a glass hung outside his coat for ornament i afterwards found as he very seldom looked through it and couldn t see anything when he did this said mr in allusion to myself is he this said the stranger with a certain roll in his voice and a certain indescribable air of doing something genteel which impressed me very much is master i hope i see you well sir i said i was very well and hoped he was i was sufficiently ill at ease heaven knows but it was not in my nature to complain much at that time of my life so i said i was very well and hoped he was i am said the stranger thank heaven quite well i have received a letter from mr in which he that he would desire me to receive into an apartment in the rear of my house which is at present and is in short to be let as a in short said the stranger with a smile and in a burst of confidence as a bed room the young whom i have now the pleasure to and the stranger waved his hand and settled his chin in his shirt collar op david this is mr said mr to me said the stranger that is my name mr said mr is known to mr he takes orders for us on commission when he can get any he has been written to by mr on the subject of your lodgings and he will receive you as a my address said mr is terrace city i in short said mr with the same genteel air and in another burst of confidences i live there i made him a bow under the impression said mr that your in this metropolis have not as yet been extensive and that you might have some difficulty in penetrating the of the modern in the direction of the city road in short said mr in another burst of confidence that you might lose yourself i shall be happy to call this evening and you in the knowledge of the nearest way i thanked him with all my heart for it was friendly in him to offer that trouble at what hour said mr shall i at about eight said mr at about eight said mr i beg to wish you good day mr i will intrude no longer so he put on his hat and went out with his cane under his arm very upright and humming a tune when he was clear of the counting house mr then formally engaged me to be as useful as i could in the of and at a salary i think of six shillings a week i am not clear whether it was six or seven i am inclined to believe from my uncertainty on this head that it was six at first and seven afterwards he paid me a week down from his own pocket i believe and i gave sixpence out of it to get my trunk carried to terrace at night it being too heavy for my strength small as it was i paid sixpence more for my dinner which was a meat pie and a turn at a neighbouring pump and passed the hour which was allowed for that meal in walking about the streets at the appointed time in the evening mr reappeared i washed my hands and face to do the greater honour to his and we walked to our house as i suppose i must now call it together mr the names of streets and the shapes of corner houses upon me as we went along that i might find my way back easily in the morning arrived at his house in terrace which i noticed was shabby like himself but also like himself made all the show it could he presented me to mrs a thin and faded lady not at all young who was sitting in the parlor the first floor was altogether and the blinds were kept down to the neighbours with a baby at her breast this baby was one of and i may remark here that i hardly ever in all my experience of the family saw both the detached from mrs at the same time one of them was always taking refreshment there were two other children master aged about four and miss aged about three these and a dark i the personal history and experience young woman with a habit of who was servant to the family and informed me before half an hour had expired that she was a and came from st s in the neighbourhood completed the establishment my room was at the top of the house at
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the back a close chamber all over with an ornament which my young imagination represented as a blue and very furnished i never thought said mrs when she came up twin and all to show me the apartment and sat down to take breath before i was married when i lived with papa and that i should ever find it necessary to take a but mr being in difficulties all considerations of private feeling must give way i said yes ma am mr s difficulties are almost overwhelming just at present said mrs and whether it is possible to bring him through them i don t know when i lived at home with papa and i really should have hardly understood what the word meant in the sense in which i now employ it but does it as papa used to say i cannot satisfy myself whether she told me that mr had been an officer in the or whether i have imagined it i only know that i believe to this hour that he was in the once upon a time without knowing why he was a sort of town traveller for a number of miscellaneous houses now but made little or nothing of it i am afraid if mr s will not give him time said mrs they must take the consequences and the sooner they bring it to an issue the better blood cannot be obtained from a stone neither can anything on account be obtained at present not to mention law expenses from mr i never can quite understand whether my self dependence confused mrs in reference to my age or whether she was so full of the subject that she would have talked about it to the very if there had been nobody else to communicate with but this was the strain in which she began and she went on accordingly all the time i knew her poor mrs she said she had tried to exert herself and so i have no doubt she had the centre of the street door was perfectly covered with a great brass plate on which was engraved mrs s boarding establishment for young ladies but i never found that any young lady had ever been to school there or that any young lady ever came or proposed to come or that the least preparation was ever made to receive any young lady the only visitors i ever saw or heard of were they used to come at all hours and some of them were quite ferocious one dirty faced man i think he was a used to edge himself into the passage as early as seven o clock in the morning and call up the stairs to mr come you ain t out yet you know pay us will you don t hide you know that s mean i wouldn t be mean if i was you pay us will you you just pay us d ye hear come no answer to these he would mount in his wrath to the words and robbers and these being ineffectual too would sometimes go to the extremity of crossing the street and roaring up at the windows of the second floor where he knew mr was at these times mr would be transported with grief and mortification even to the length as i was once david made aware by a scream from his wife of making motions at himself with a but within half an hour afterwards he would polish up his shoes with extraordinary pains and go out humming a tune with a greater air of than ever mrs was quite as elastic i have known her to be thrown into fainting fits by the king s taxes at three o clock and to eat lamb and drink warm ale paid for with two that had gone to the s at four on one occasion when an execution had just been put in coming home through some chance as early as six o clock i saw her lying of course with a twin under the grate in a with her hair all torn about her face but i never knew her more cheerful than she was that very same night over a before the kitchen fire telling me stories about her papa and and the company they used to keep in this house and with this family i passed my leisure time my own exclusive breakfast of a penny loaf and a of milk i provided myself i kept another small loaf and a of cheese on a particular shelf of a particular cupboard to make my supper on when i came back at night this made a hole in the six or seven shillings i know well and i was out at the all day and had to support myself on that money all the week from monday morning until saturday night i had no advice no counsel no encouragement no consolation no assistance no support of any kind from any one that i can call to mind as i hope to go to heaven i was so young and childish and so little qualified how could i be otherwise to undertake the whole charge of my own existence that often in going to and s of a morning i could not resist the stale put out for sale at half price at the s doors and spent in that the money i should have kept for my dinner then i went without my dinner or bought a roll or a of i remember two shops between which i was divided according to my one was in a court close to st martin s church at the back of the church which is now removed altogether the at that shop was made of and was rather a special but was dear not being larger than a of more ordinary a good shop for
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the latter was in the strand somewhere in that part which has been since it was a stout pale heavy and and with great flat in it stuck in whole at wide distances apart it came up hot at about my time every day and many a day did i dine off it when i dined regularly and handsomely i had a and a penny loaf or a plate of red beef from a cook s shop or a plate of bread and cheese and a glass of beer from a miserable old public house opposite our place of business called the lion or the lion and something else that i have forgotten once i remember carrying my own bread which i had brought from home in the morning under my arm wrapped in a piece of paper like a book and going to a famous beef house near lane and ordering a small plate of that delicacy to eat with it what the waiter thought of such a strange little apparition coming in all alone i don t know but i can see him now staring at me as i ate my dinner and bringing up the other waiter to look i gave him a for himself and i wish he hadn t taken it i the personal history and experience we had half an hour i think for tea when i had money enough i used to get half a pint of ready made coffee and a of bread and butter when i had none i used to look at a shop in or i have strolled at such a time as far as garden market and stared at the pine apples i was fond of wandering about the because it was a mysterious place with those dark arches i see myself emerging one evening from some of these arches on a little public house close to the river with an open space before it where some coal were dancing to look at whom i sat down upon a bench i wonder what they thought of me i was such a child and so little that frequently when i went into the bar of a strange public house for a glass of ale or porter to what i had had for dinner they were afraid to give it me i remember one hot evening i went into the bar of a public house and said to the landlord what is your best your very best ale a glass for it was a special occasion i don t know what it may have been my birth day says the landlord is the price of the genuine ale then says i producing the money just draw me a glass of the genuine if you please with a good head to it the landlord looked at me in return over the bar from head to foot with a strange smile on his face and instead of drawing the beer looked round the screen and said something to his wife she came out from behind it with her work in her hand and joined him in surveying me here we stand all three before me now the landlord in his shirt sleeves leaning against the bar window frame his wife looking over the little half door and i in some confusion looking up at them from outside the they asked me a good many questions as what my name was how old i was where i lived how i was employed and how i came there to all of which that i might commit nobody i invented i am afraid appropriate answers they served me with the ale though i suspect it was not the genuine and the landlord s wife opening the little half door of the bar and bending down gave me my money back and gave me a kiss that was half admiring and half compassionate but all womanly and good i am sure i know i do not unconsciously and the of my resources or the difficulties of my life i know that if a shilling were given me by mr at any time i spent it in a dinner or a tea i know that i worked from morning until night with common men and boys a shabby child i know that i about the streets and fed i know that but for the mercy of god i might easily have been for any care that was taken of me a little robber or a little vagabond yet i held some station at and s too besides that mr did what a careless man so occupied and dealing with a thing so could to treat me as one upon a different footing from the rest i never said to man or boy how it was that i came to be there or gave the least indication of being sorry that i was there that i suffered in secret and that i suffered exquisitely no one ever knew but i how much i suffered it is as i have said already utterly beyond my power to tell but i kept my own counsel and i did my work t knew a op david from the first that if i could not do my work as well as any of the rest i could not hold myself above slight and contempt i soon became at least as and as skilful as either of the other boys though perfectly familiar with them my conduct and manner were different enough from theirs to place a space between us they and the men generally spoke of me as the little or the young a certain man named who was of the and another named who was the and wore a red jacket used to address me sometimes as david but i think it wa mostly when we were very confidential and when i had made some efforts
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to entertain them over our work with some results of the old which were fast out of my remembrance potatoes once and against my being so distinguished but settled him in no time my rescue from this kind of existence i considered quite hopeless and abandoned as such altogether i am solemnly convinced that i never for one hour was reconciled to it or was otherwise than miserably unhappy but i bore it and even to partly for the love of her and partly for shame never in any letter though many passed between us revealed the truth mr s difficulties were an addition to the distressed state of my mind in my forlorn state i became quite attached to the family and used to walk about busy with mrs s calculations of ways and means and heavy with the weight of mr s debts on a saturday night which was my grand treat partly because it was a great thing to walk home with six or seven shillings in my pocket looking into the shops and thinking what such a sum would buy and partly because i went home early mrs would make the most heart confidences to me also on a sunday morning when i mixed the portion of tea or coffee i had bought over night in a little pot and sat late at my breakfast it was nothing at all unusual for mr to sob violently at the beginning of one of these saturday night conversations and sing about jack s delight being his lovely towards the end of it i have known him come home to supper with a flood of tears and a declaration that nothing was now left but a jail and go to bed making a calculation of the expense of putting bow windows to the house in case anything turned up which was his favourite expression and mrs was just the same a curious equality of friendship i suppose in our respective circumstances sprung up between me and these people notwithstanding the ludicrous in our years but i never allowed myself to be prevailed upon to accept any invitation to eat and drink with them out of then stock knowing that they got on badly with the butcher and baker and had often not too much for themselves until mrs took me into her entire confidence this she did one evening as follows master said mrs i make no stranger of you and therefore do not hesitate to say that mr s difficulties are coming to a crisis it made me very miserable to hear it and i looked at mrs s red eyes with the utmost sympathy with the exception of the heel of a dutch cheese which is not adapted to the wants of a young family said mrs there is really not the personal history and experience a scrap of anything in the i was accustomed to speak of the when i lived with papa and and i use the word almost unconsciously what i mean to express is that there is nothing to eat in the house dear me i said in great concern i had two or three shillings of my week s money in my pocket from which i presume that it must have been on a wednesday night when we held this conversation and i hastily produced them and with emotion begged mrs to accept of them as a loan but that lady kissing me and making me put them back in my pocket replied that she couldn t think of it no my dear master said she far be it from my thoughts but you have a discretion beyond your years and can render me another kind of service if you will and a service i will accept of i begged mrs to name it i have parted with the plate myself said mrs six tea two salt and a pair of i have at different times borrowed money on in secret with my own hands but the are a great tie and to me with my recollections of papa and these transactions are very painful there are still a trifles that we could part with mr s feelings would never allow mm to dispose of them and this was the girl from the being of a vulgar mind would take painful liberties if so much confidence was in her master if i might ask you i understood mrs now and begged her to make use of me to any extent i began to dispose of the more articles of property that very evening and went out on a similar expedition almost every morning before i went to and s mr had a few books on a little which he called the library and those went first i carried them one after another to a in the city one part of which near our house all and bird shops then and sold them for whatever they would bring the keeper of this who lived in a little house behind it used to get every night and to be violently by his wife every morning more than once when i went there early i had audience of him in a turn up with a cut in his forehead or a black eye bearing witness to his over night i am afraid he was in his drink and he with a shaking hand endeavouring to find the needful shillings in one or other of the pockets of his clothes which lay upon the floor while his wife with a baby in her arms and her shoes down at heel never left off him sometimes he had lost his money and then he would ask me to call again but his wife had always got some had taken his i dare say while he was drunk and secretly completed the bargain on the
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stairs as we went down together at the s shop too i began to be very well known the principal gentleman who behind the counter took a good deal of notice of me and often got me i recollect to decline a latin or or to a latin in his ear while he my business after all these occasions mrs made a little treat which was generally a supper and there was a peculiar relish in these meals which i well remember of david at last mr s difficulties came to a crisis and lie was arrested early one morning and carried oyer to the king s bench prison in the he told me as he went out of the house that the god of now gone down upon him and i really thought his heart was broken and mine too but i heard afterwards that he was seen to play a lively game at before noon on the first sunday after he was taken there i was to go and see him and have dinner with him i was to ask my way to such a place and just short of that place i should see such another place and short of that i should see a yard which i was to cross and keep straight on until i saw a ah this i did and when at last i did see a poor little fellow that i was and thought how when was in a s prison there was a man there with nothing on him but an old rug the swam before my eyes and my beating heart mr was waiting for me within the gate and we went up to his room top story but one and cried very much he solemnly me i remember to take warning by his fate and to observe that if a man had twenty pounds a year for his income and spent nineteen pounds nineteen shillings and sixpence he would be happy but that if he spent twenty pounds one he would be miserable after which he borrowed a shilling of me for porter gave me a written order on mrs for the amount and put away his pocket handkerchief and cheered up we sat before a little fire with two bricks put within the grate one on each side to prevent its burning too many coals until another who shared the room with mr came in from the with the of mutton which was our joint stock then i was sent up to captain in the room overhead with mr s compliments and i was his young friend and would captain lend me a knife and fork captain lent me the knife and fork with his to mr there was a very dirty lady in his little room and two wan girls his daughters with shock heads of hair i thought it was better to borrow captain s knife and fork than captain s comb the captain himself was in the last extremity of with large whiskers and an old old brown great coat with no other coat below it i saw his bed rolled up in a corner and what plates and dishes and pots he had on a shelf and i divined god knows how that though the two girls with the shock heads of hair were captain s children the dirty lady was not married to captain my timid station on his was not occupied more than a couple of minutes at most but i came down again with all this in my knowledge as surely as the knife and fork were in my hand there was something like and agreeable in the dinner after all i took back captain s knife and fork early in the afternoon and went home to comfort mrs with an account of my visit she fainted when she saw me return and made a little of egg hot afterwards to console us while we talked it over i don t know how the household furniture came to be sold for the family benefit or who sold it except that i did not sold it was however and carried away in a van except the bed a few chairs and the the personal history and experience kitchen table with these possessions we as it were in the two of the emptied house in terrace mrs the children the and myself and lived in those rooms night and day i have no idea for how long though it seems to me for a long time at last mrs resolved to move into the prison where mr had now secured a room to himself so i took the key of the house to the landlord who was very glad to get it and the beds were sent over to the king s bench except mine for which a little room was hired outside the walls in the neighbourhood of that institution very much to my satisfaction since the and i had become too used to one another in our troubles to part the was likewise with an lodging in the same neighbourhood mine was a quiet back garret with a sloping roof commanding a pleasant prospect of a timber yard and when i took possession of it with the reflection that mr s troubles had come to a crisis at last i thought it quite a paradise all this time i was working at and s in the same common way and the same common companions and with the same sense of degradation as at first but i never happily for me no doubt made a single acquaintance or spoke to any of the many boys whom i saw daily in going to the in coming from it and in about the streets at meal times i led the same secretly unhappy life but i led it in the same lonely self manner the only changes i am conscious
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for such people hangs like a mist of fancy over well remembered facts when i tread the old ground i do not wonder that i seem to see and pity on before me an innocent romantic boy making his imaginative world out of such strange experiences and sordid things chapter xii liking life on my own account no better i form a great resolution in due time mr s petition was ripe for hearing and that gentleman was ordered to be discharged under the act to my great joy his were not and mrs informed me that even the had declared in open court that he bore him no malice but that when money was owing to him he to be paid he said he thought it was human nature mr returned to the king s bench when his case was over as some were to be settled and some observed before he could be actually released the club received him with transport and held an meeting that evening in his honor while mrs and i had a lamb s in private surrounded by the sleeping family on such an occasion i will give you master said mrs in a little more for we had been having some already the memory of my papa and are they dead ma am i after drinking the toast in a wine glass my departed this life said mrs before mr s difficulties commenced or at least before they became pressing my papa lived to mr several times and then expired regretted by a numerous circle mrs shook her head and dropped a pious tear upon the twin who happened to be in hand as i could hardly hope for a more favourable opportunity of putting a question in which i had a near interest i said to mrs may i ask ma am what you and mr intend to do now that mr is out of his difficulties and at have you settled yet my family said mrs who always said those two words with an air though i never could discover who came under the my family are of opinion that mr should quit london and exert his talents in the country mr is a man of great talent master i said i was sure of that of great talent repeated mrs my family are of opinion that with a little interest something might be done for a man of his ability in the custom house the influence of my family being local it is their op david wish that mr should go down to they think it indispensable that he should be upon the spot that he may be ready i suggested exactly returned mrs that he may be ready in case of anything turning up and do you go too ma am the events of the day in combination with the if not with the had made mrs hysterical and she shed tears as she replied i never will desert mr mr may have concealed his difficulties from me in the first instance but his sanguine temper may have led him to expect that he would overcome them the pearl and which i inherited from have been disposed of for less than half their value and the set of coral which was the wedding gift of my papa has been actually thrown away for nothing but i never will desert mr no cried mrs more affected than before i never will do it it s of no use asking me i felt quite uncomfortable as if mrs supposed i had asked her to do anything of the sort and sat looking at her in alarm mr has his faults i do not deny that he is i do not deny that he has kept me in the dark as to his resources and his both she went on looking at the wall but i never will desert mr mrs having now raised her voice into a perfect scream i was so frightened that i ran off to the club room and disturbed mr in the act of at a long table and leading the chorus of up ho up up and ho o o with the tidings that mrs was in an alarming state upon which he immediately burst into tears and came away with me with his waistcoat full of the heads and tails of of which he had been my angel cried mr running into the room what is the matter i never will desert you she exclaimed my life said mr taking her in his arms i am perfectly aware of it he is the parent of my children he is the father of my he is the husband of my affections cried mrs struggling and i ne ver will desert mr mr was so deeply affected by this proof of her devotion as to me i was dissolved in tears that he hung over her in a passionate manner imploring her to look up and to be calm but the more he asked mrs to look up the more she fixed her eyes on nothing and the more he asked her to compose herself the more she wouldn t consequently mr was soon so overcome that he mingled his tears with hers and mine until he begged me to do him the favor of taking a chair on the staircase while he got her into bed i would have taken my the personal history and experience leave for the night but he would not hear of my doing that until the strangers bell should ring so i sat at the staircase window until he came out with another chair and joined me how is mrs now sir i said very low said mr shaking his head re action ah this has been a dreadful day we stand alone now everything is gone from us mr pressed
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my hand and groaned and afterwards shed tears i was greatly touched and disappointed too for i had expected that we should be quite gay on this happy and long looked for occasion but mr and mrs were so used to their old difficulties i think that they felt quite when they came to consider that they were released from them all their was departed and i never saw them half so wretched as on this night that when the bell rang and mr walked with me to the lodge and parted from me there with a blessing i felt quite afraid to leave him by himself he was so profoundly miserable but through all the confusion and of spirits in which we had been so unexpectedly to me involved i plainly discerned that mr and mrs and their family were going away from london and that a parting between us was near at hand it was in my walk home that night and in the sleepless hours which followed when i lay in bed that the thought first occurred to me though i don t know how it came into my head which afterwards shaped itself into a settled resolution i had grown to be so accustomed to the and had been so intimate with them in their and was so utterly without them that the prospect of being thrown upon some new shift for a lodging and going once more among unknown people was like being that moment turned adrift into my present life with such a knowledge of it ready made as experience had given me all the sensitive feelings it wounded so cruelly all the shame and misery it kept alive within my breast became more as i thought of this and i determined that the life was that there was no hope of escape from it unless the escape was my own act i knew quite well i rarely heard from miss and never from mr but two or three of made or mended clothes had come up for me consigned to mr and in each there was a scrap of paper to the effect that j m trusted d c was applying himself to business and himself wholly to his duties not the least hint of my ever being any thing else than the common into which i was fast settling down the very next day showed me while my mind was in the first agitation of what it had conceived that mrs had not spoken of their going away without warrant they took a lodging in the house where i lived for a week at the of which time they were to start for mr himself came down to the counting house in the afternoon to tell mr that he must me on the day of his departure and to give me a high character which i am sure i deserved and mr calling in the who was a married man and had a room to let me on him of david by our mutual consent as he had every reason to think for i said nothing though my resolution was now taken i passed my evenings with mr and mrs during the remaining term of our residence under the same roof and i think we became of one another as the time went on on the last sunday they invited me to dinner and we had a of pork and apple and a i had bought a spotted wooden horse over night as a parting gift to little that was the boy and a doll for little i had also bestowed a shilling on the who was about to be we had a very pleasant day though we were all in a tender state about our approaching separation i shall never master said mrs to the period when mr was in difficulties without thinking of you your conduct has always been of the most delicate and obliging description you have never been a you have been a friend my dear said mr for so he had been accustomed to call me of late has a heart to feel for the of his fellow creatures when they are behind a cloud and a head to plan and a hand to in short a general ability to dispose of such available property as could be made away with i expressed my sense of this and said i was very sorry we were going to lose one another my dear young friend said mr i am older than you a man of some experience in hfe and and of some experience in short in difficulties generally speaking at present and until something turns up which i am i may say expecting i have nothing to bestow but advice still my advice is so far worth taking that in short that i have never taken it myself and am the here mr who had been beaming and smiling all over his head and face up to the present moment checked himself and frowned the miserable wretch you behold my dear urged his wife i say returned mr quite forgetting himself and smiling again the miserable wretch you behold my advice is never do to morrow what you can do to day is the thief of time collar him my poor papa s mrs observed my dear said mr your papa was very well in his way and heaven forbid that i should him take him for all in all we ne er shall in short make the acquaintance probably of anybody else possessing at his time of life the same legs for and able to read the same description of print without spectacles but he applied that to our marriage my dear and that was so far entered into in consequence that i never recovered the mr looked aside at mrs and added not
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that i am sorry for it quite the contrary my love after which he was grave for a minute or so my other piece of advice said mr you know annual income twenty pounds annual expenditure nineteen nineteen six result happiness annual income twenty pounds annual expenditure the personal history and experience twenty pounds ought and six result misery the blossom is the leaf is withered the god of day goes down upon the dreary scene and and in short you are for ever as i am to make his example the more impressive mr drank a glass of punch with an air of great enjoyment and satisfaction and whistled the college i did not fail to assure him that i would store these in my mind though indeed i had no need to do so for at the time they affected me visibly next morning i met the whole family at the coach office and saw them with a desolate heart take their places outside at the back master said mrs god bless you i never can forget all that you know and i never would if i could said mr farewell every happiness and prosperity if in the progress of revolving years i could persuade myself that my destiny had been a warning to you i should feel that i had not occupied another man s place in existence altogether in vain in case of anything turning up of which i am rather confident i shall be extremely happy if it should be in my power to improve your prospects i think as mrs sat at the back of the coach with the children and i stood in the road looking wistfully at them a mist cleared from her eyes and she saw what a little creature i really was i think so because she beckoned to me to climb up with quite a new and expression in her face and put her arm round my neck and gave me just such a kiss as she might have given to her own boy i had barely time to get down again before the coach started and i could hardly see the family for the handkerchiefs they waved it was gone in a minute the and i stood looking at each other in the middle of the road and then shook hands and said good bye she going back i suppose to saint s as i went to begin my weary day at and s but with no intention of passing many more weary days there no i had resolved to run away to go by some means or other down into the country to the only relation i had in the world and tell my story to my aunt miss i have already observed that i don t know how this desperate idea came into my brain but once there it remained there and hardened into a purpose than which i have never entertained a more determined purpose in my life i am far from sure that i believed there was anything hopeful in it but my mind was thoroughly made up that it must be carried into execution again and again and a hundred times again since the night when the thought had first occurred to me and banished sleep i had gone over that old story of my poor mother s about my birth which it had been one of my great delights in the old time to hear her tell and which i knew by heart my aunt walked into that story and walked out of it a dread and awful personage but there was one little trait in her behaviour which i liked to dwell on and which gave me some faint shadow of encouragement i could not forget how my mother had thought that she felt her touch her pretty hair with no hand and though it might have been altogether my mother s fancy and might have had no foundation whatever in fact i made a little picture out of it of my terrible aunt towards the girlish beauty that i recollected so well and loved of david so much which softened the whole narrative it is very possible that it had been in my mind a long time and had gradually my determination as i did not even know where miss lived i wrote a long letter to and asked her incidentally if she remembered pretending that i had heard of such a lady living at a certain place i named at random and had a curiosity to know if it were the same in the course of that letter i told that i had a particular occasion for half a guinea and that if she could lend me that sum until i could repay it i should be very much obliged to her and would tell her afterwards what i had wanted it for s answer soon arrived and was as usual full of affectionate devotion she enclosed the half guinea i was afraid she must have had a world of trouble to get it out of mr s box and told me that miss lived near but whether at itself at or she could not say one of our men however informing me on my asking him about these places that they were all close together i deemed this enough for my object and resolved to set out at the end of that week being a very honest little creature and unwilling to disgrace the memory i was going to leave behind me at and s i considered myself bound to remain until saturday night and as i had been paid a week s wages in advance when i first came there not to present myself in the counting house at the usual hour to receive my this express reason i had borrowed the half guinea that i might not be without a fund for my
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travelling expenses accordingly when the saturday night came and we were all waiting in the to be paid and the who always took went in first to draw his money i shook by the hand asked him when it came to his turn to be paid to say to mr that i had gone to move my box to s and bidding a last good night to potatoes ran away my box was at my old lodging over the water and i had written a direction for it on the back of one of our address cards that we nailed on the master david to be left till for at the coach office this i had in my pocket ready to put on the box after i should have got it out of the house and as i went towards my lodging i looked about me for some one who would help me to carry it to the there was a long legged young man with a very little empty standing near the in the whose eye i caught as i was by and who addressing me as of bad ha pence hoped i should know him to swear to in allusion i have no doubt to my staring at him i stopped to assure him that i had not done so in bad manners but uncertain whether he might or might not like a job job said the long legged young man to move a box i answered box said the long legged young man i told him mine which was down that street there and which i wanted him to take to the coach office for sixpence the personal history and experience done with you for a said the long legged young man and directly got upon his cart which was nothing but a large wooden tray on wheels and rattled away at such a rate that it was as much as i could do to keep pace with the donkey there was a defiant manner about this young man and particularly about the way in which he straw as he spoke to me that i did not much like as the bargain was made however i took him up stairs to the room i was leaving and we brought the box down and put it on his cart now i was unwilling to put the direction card on there lest any of my landlord s family should what i was doing and detain me so i said to the young man that i would be glad if he would stop for a minute when he came to the dead wall of the king s bench prison the words were no sooner out of my mouth than he rattled away as if he my box the cart and the donkey were all equally mad and i was quite out of breath with running and calling after him when i caught him at the place appointed being much flushed and excited i tumbled my half guinea out of my pocket in pulling the card out i put it in my mouth for safety and though my hands trembled a good deal had just tied the card on very much to my satisfaction when i felt myself violently under the chin by the long legged young man and saw my half guinea fly out of my mouth into his hand said the young man seizing me by my jacket collar with a frightful grin this is a case is it you re a going to bolt are you come to the you young come to the you give me my money back if you please said i very much frightened and leave me alone come to the said the young man you shall prove it to the give me my box and money will you i cried bursting into tears the young man still replied come to the and was dragging me against the donkey in a violent manner as if there were any between that animal and a magistrate when he changed his mind jumped into the cart sat upon my box and exclaiming that he would drive to the straight rattled away harder than ever i ran after him as fast as i could but i had no breath to call out with and should not have dared to call out now if i had i narrowly escaped being run over twenty times at least in half a mile now i lost him now i saw him now i lost him now i was cut at with a whip now shouted at now down in the mud now up again now running into somebody s arms now running headlong at a post at length confused by fright and heat and doubting whether half london might not by this time be turning out for my apprehension i left the young man to go where he would with my box and money and panting and crying but never stopping faced about for which i had understood was on the taking very little more out of the world towards the retreat of my aunt miss than i had brought into it on the night when my arrival gave her so much of david chapter xiii the of my resolution for anything i know i may have had some wild idea of running all the way to when i gave up the pursuit of the young man with the donkey cart and started for my scattered senses were soon collected as to that point if i had for i came to a stop in the road at a terrace with a piece of water before it and a great foolish image in the middle blowing a dry shell here i sat down on a quite spent and exhausted with the efforts i had already made and with hardly breath enough to cry for the loss of my box and it
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was by this time dark i heard the strike ten as i sat resting but it was a summer night fortunately and fine weather when i had recovered my breath and had got rid of a stifling sensation in my throat i rose up and went on in the midst of my distress i had no notion of going back i doubt if i should have had any though there had been a snow drift in the but my standing possessed of only three in the world and i am sure i wonder how they came to be left in my pocket on a saturday night troubled me none the less because i went on i began to picture to myself as a scrap of newspaper intelligence my being found dead in a day or two under some hedge and i on miserably though as fast as i could until i happened to pass a little shop where it was written up that ladies and gentlemen s were bought and that the best price was given for rags bones and kitchen stuff the master of this shop was sitting at the door in his shirt sleeves smoking and as there were a great many coats and pairs of dangling from the low ceiling and only two feeble candles burning inside to show what they were i fancied that he looked like a man of a disposition who had hung all his enemies and was enjoying himself my late experiences with mr and mrs suggested to me that here might be a means of keeping off the wolf for a little while i went up the next bye street took off my waistcoat rolled it neatly under my arm and came back to the shop door if you please sir i said i am to sell this for a fair price mr was the name over the shop door at least took the waistcoat stood his pipe on its head against the door post went into the shop followed by me the two candles with his fingers spread the waistcoat on the counter and looked at it there held it up against the light and looked at it there and ultimately said what do you call a price now for this here little oh you know best sir i returned modestly i can t be and too said mr put a price on this here little would be i hinted after some hesitation k the personal history and experience mr rolled it up again and gave it me back i should rob my family he said if i was to offer for it this was a disagreeable way of putting the business because it imposed upon me a perfect stranger the of asking mr to rob his family on my account my circumstances being so very pressing however i said i would take for it if he pleased mr not without some grumbling gave i wished him good night and walked out of the shop the richer by that sum and the poorer by a waistcoat but when i my jacket that was not much indeed i foresaw pretty clearly that my jacket would go next and that i should have to make the best of my way to in a shirt and a pair of and might deem myself lucky if i got there even in that trim but my mind did not run so much on this as might be supposed beyond a general impression of the distance before me and of the young man with the donkey cart having used me cruelly i think i had no very urgent sense of my difficulties when i once again set off with my in my pocket a plan had occurred to me for passing the night which i was going to carry into execution this was to lie behind the wall at the back of my old school in a corner where there used to be a i imagined it would be a kind of company to have the boys and the bed room where i used to tell the stories so near me although the boys would know nothing of my being there and the bed room would yield me no shelter i had had a hard day s work and was pretty well when i came climbing out at last upon the level of it cost me some trouble to find out house but i found it and i found a in the corner and i lay down by it having first walked round the wall and looked up at the windows and seen that all was dark and silent within never shall i forget the lonely sensation of first lying down without a roof above my head sleep came upon me as it came on many other against whom house doors were locked and house dogs that night and i dreamed of lying on my old school bed talking to the boys in my room and found myself sitting upright with s name upon my lips looking wildly at the stars that were glistening and glimmering above me when i remembered where i was at that hour a stole upon me that made me get up afraid of i don t know what and walk about but the fainter glimmering of the stars and the pale light in the sky where the day was coming reassured me and my eyes being very heavy i lay down again and slept though with a knowledge in my sleep that it was cold until the warm beams of the sun and the ringing of the getting up bell at house awoke me if i could have hoped that was there i would have about until he came out alone but i knew he must have left long since still remained perhaps but it was very doubtful and i had not sufficient confidence in his
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discretion or good luck however strong my reliance was on his good nature to wish to trust him with my situation so i crept away from the wall as mr s boys were getting up and struck into the long dusty track which i had first known to be the road when i was one of them and when i little expected that any eyes would ever see me the i was now upon it op david what a different sunday morning from the old sunday morning at in due time i heard the church bells ringing as i on and i met people who were going to church and i passed a church or two where the congregation were inside and the sound of singing came out into the sun shine while the sat and cooled himself in the shade of the porch or stood beneath the tree with his hand to his forehead at me going by but the peace and rest of the old sunday morning were on everything except me that was the difference i felt quite wicked in my dirt and dust and with my tangled hair but for the quiet picture i had up of my mother in her youth and beauty weeping by the fire and my aunt to her i hardly think i should have had courage to go on until next day but it always went before me and i followed i got that sunday through three and twenty miles on the straight road though not very easily for i was new to that kind of toil i see myself as evening in coming over the bridge at and tired and eating bread that i had bought for supper one or two little houses with the notice lodgings for travellers hanging out had tempted me but i was afraid of spending the few pence i had and was even more afraid of the vicious looks of the i had met or overtaken i sought no shelter therefore but the sky and toiling into which in that night s aspect is a mere dream of chalk and and ships in a muddy river like s crept at last upon a sort of grass grown battery overhanging a lane where a was walking to and fro here i lay down near a cannon and happy in the society of the s footsteps though he knew no more of my being above him than the boys at house had known of my lying by the wall slept soundly until morning very stiff and sore of foot i was in the morning and quite dazed by the beating of drums and marching of troops which seemed to hem me in on every side when i went down towards the long narrow street feeling that i could go but a very little way that day if i were to reserve any strength for getting to my journey s end i resolved to make the sale of my jacket its principal business accordingly i took the jacket off that i might learn to do without it and carrying it under my arm began a tour of inspection of the various shops it was a likely place to sell a jacket in for the in second hand clothes were numerous and were generally speaking on the look out for customers at their shop doors but as most of them had hanging up among their stock an officer s coat or two and all i was rendered timid by the costly nature of their dealings and walked about for a long time without offering my to any one this modesty of mine directed my attention to the marine store shops and such shops as mr s in preference to the regular at last i found one that i thought looked promising at the corner of a dirty lane ending in an full of against the of which some second hand sailors clothes that seemed to have the shop were fluttering among some and rusty guns and hats and certain full of so many old rusty keys of so many sizes that they seemed various enough to open all the doors in the world k the personal history and experience into this shop which was low and small and which was darkened rather than lighted by a little window with clothes and was descended into by some steps i went with a heart which was not relieved when an ugly old man with the lower part of his face all covered with a grey beard rushed out of a dirty den behind it and seized me by the hair of my head he was a dreadful old man to look at in a filthy flannel waistcoat and smelling terribly of rum his covered with a tumbled and ragged piece of was in the den he had come from where another little window showed a prospect of more and a lame donkey oh what do you want grinned this old man in a fierce monotonous oh my eyes and limbs what do you want oh my lungs and liver what do you want oh i was so much dismayed by these words and particularly by the repetition of the last unknown one which was a kind of rattle in his throat that i could make no answer the old man still holding me by the hair repeated oh what do you want oh my eyes and limbs what do you want oh my lungs and liver what do you want oh which he out of himself with an energy that made his eyes start in his head i wanted to know i said trembling if you would buy a jacket oh let s see the cried the old man oh my heart on fire show the jacket to us oh my eyes and limbs bring the jacket out with that he took his trembling hands which were like
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the claws of a great bird out of my hair and put on a pair of spectacles not at all ornamental to his eyes oh how much for the jacket cried the old man after examining it oh how much for the jacket half a crown i answered recovering myself oh my lungs and liver cried the old man no oh my eyes no oh my limbs no every time he uttered this his eyes seemed to be in danger of starting out and every sentence he spoke he delivered in a sort of tune always exactly the same and more like a gust of wind which begins low up high and falls again than any other comparison i can find for it well said i glad to have closed the bargain i take oh my liver cried the old man throwing the jacket on a shelf get out of the shop oh my lungs get out of the shop oh my eyes and limbs don t ask for money make it an exchange i never was so frightened in my life before or since but i told him humbly that i wanted money and that nothing else was of any use to me but that i would wait for it as he desired outside and had no wish to hurry him so i went outside and sat down in the shade in a corner and i sat there so many horns that the shade became sunlight and the sunlight became shade again and still i sat there waiting for the money there never was such another drunken madman in that line of business i hope that he was well known in the neighbourhood and enjoyed the op david reputation of having sold himself to the devil i soon understood from the visits he received from the boys who continually came about the shop shouting that legend and calling to him to bring out his gold tou ain t poor you know as you pretend bring out your gold bring out some of the gold you sold yourself to the devil for come it s in the of the it open and let s have some this and many offers to lend him a knife for the purpose exasperated him to such a degree that the whole day was a succession of rushes on his part and nights on the part of the boys sometimes in his rage he would take me for one of them and come at me as if he were going to tear me in pieces then remembering me just in time would into the shop and he upon his bed as i thought from the sound of his voice yelling in a frantic way to his own windy tune the death of with an oh before every line and innumerable as if this were not bad enough for me the boys connecting me with the establishment on account of the patience and perseverance with which i sat outside half dressed me and used me very ill all day he made many attempts to induce me to consent to an exchange at one time coming out with a fishing rod at another with a fiddle at another with a cocked hat at another with a but i resisted all these and sat there in desperation each time asking him with tears in my eyes for my money or my jacket at last he began to pay me in at a time and was full two hours getting by easy stages to a shilling oh my eyes and he then cried peeping out of the shop after a long pause will you go for more i can t i said i shall be starved oh my lungs and liver will you go for i would go for nothing if i could i said but i want the money badly oh go it is really impossible to express how he twisted this out of himself as he peeped round the at me showing nothing but his old head will you go for i was so faint and weary that i closed with this offer and taking the money out of his not without trembling went away more hungry and thirsty than i had ever been a little before sunset but at an expense of i soon refreshed myself completely and being in better spirits then seven miles upon my road my bed at night was under another where i rested comfortably after having washed my feet in a stream and dressed them as well as i was able with some cool leaves when i took the road again next morning i found that it lay through a succession of hop grounds and it was sufficiently late in the year for the to be ruddy with ripe apples and in a few places the hop were already at work i thought it all extremely beautiful and made up my mind to sleep among the that night imagining some cheerful companionship in the long of poles with the graceful leaves round them the were worse than ever that day and inspired me with a dread that is yet quite fresh in my mind some of them were most the personal history and experience ferocious looking who stared at me as i went by and stopped perhaps and called after to come back and speak to them and when i took to my heels me i recollect one young fellow a i suppose from his and who had a woman with him and who faced about and stared at me thus and then roared to me in such a tremendous to come back that i halted and looked round come here when you re called said the or i your young body open i thought it best to go back as i drew nearer to them trying to the by my looks i observed
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this refreshment by the way i went in the direction my friend had the personal history and experience indicated and walked on a good distance without coming to tlie houses he had mentioned at length i saw some before me and approaching them went into a little shop it was what we used to call a general shop at home and inquired if they could have the goodness to tell me where miss lived i addressed myself to a man behind the counter who was weighing some rice for a young woman but the latter taking the inquiry to herself turned round quickly my mistress she said what do you want with her boy i want i replied to speak to her if you please to beg of her you mean retorted the no i said indeed but suddenly remembering that in truth i came for no other purpose i held my peace in confusion and felt my face burn my aunt s as i supposed she was from what she had said put her rice in a little basket and walked out of the shop telling me that i could follow her if i wanted to know where miss i needed no second permission though i was by this time in such a state of consternation and agitation that my legs shook under me i followed the young woman and we soon came to a very neat little cottage with cheerful bow windows in front of it a small square court or garden full of flowers carefully tended and smelling this is miss s said the young woman now you know and that s all i have got to say with which words she hurried into the house as if to shake off the responsibility of my appearance and left me standing at the garden gate looking over the top of it towards the parlor window where a muslin curtain partly in the middle a large round green screen or fan fastened on to the window sill a small table and a great chair suggested to me that my aunt might be at that moment seated in awful state my shoes were by this time in a condition the had shed themselves bit by bit and the upper had broken and burst until the very shape and form of shoes had departed from them my hat which had served me for a night cap too was so crushed and bent that no old battered handle less on a need have been ashamed to with it my shirt and stained with heat dew grass and the soil on which i had slept and torn besides might have frightened the birds from my aunt s garden as i stood at the gate my hair had known no comb or brush since i left london my face neck and hands from exposure to the air and sun were burnt to a brown from head to foot i was powdered almost as white with chalk and dust as if i had come out of a lime in this plight and with a strong consciousness of it i waited to introduce myself to and make my first impression on my formidable aunt the unbroken stillness of the parlor window leading me to infer after a while that she was not there i lifted up my eyes to the window above it where i saw a pleasant looking gentleman with a grey head who shut up one eye in a grotesque manner nodded his head at me several times shook it at me as often laughed and went away i had been enough before but i was so much the more by this unexpected behaviour that i was on the point of j ru op david off to think how i had best proceed when there came out of the house a lady with a handkerchief tied over her cap and a pair of gloves on her hands wearing a pocket like a s apron and carrying a great knife i knew her immediately to be miss for she came out of the house exactly as my poor mother had so often described her up our garden at go away said miss shaking her head and making a distant chop in the air with her knife go along no boys here i watched her with my heart at my lips as she marched to a corner of her garden and stooped to dig up some little root there then without a scrap of courage but with a great deal of desperation i went softly in and stood beside her touching her with my finger if you please ma am i began she started and looked up if you please aunt eh exclaimed miss in a tone of amazement i have never heard approached if you please aunt i am your nephew oh lord said my aunt and sat flat down in the garden path i am david of in where you came on the night when i was born and saw my dear i have been very unhappy since she died i have been and taught nothing and thrown upon myself and put to work not fit for me it made me run away to you i was robbed at first setting out and have walked all the way and have never slept in a bed since i began the journey here my self support gave way all at once and with a movement of my hands intended to show her my ragged state and call it to witness that i had suffered something i broke into a passion of crying which i suppose had been pent up within me all the week my aunt with every sort of expression but wonder discharged from her countenance sat on the gravel staring at me until i began to cry when she got up in a great hurry me and took me into the
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parlor her first proceeding there was to a tall press bring out several bottles and pour some of the contents of each into my mouth i think they must have been taken out at random for i am sure i tasted water and dressing when she had administered these as i was still quite hysterical and unable to my sobs she put me on the sofa with a shawl under my head and the handkerchief from her own head under my feet lest i should the cover and then sitting herself down behind the green fan or screen i have already mentioned so that i could not see her face ejaculated at intervals mercy on us letting those exclamations off like minute guns after a time she rang the bell said my aunt when her servant came in go up stairs give my compliments to mr dick and say i wish to speak to him looked a little surprised to see me lying stiffly on the sofa i was afraid to move lest it should be to my aunt but went on her errand my aunt with her hands behind her walked up and down the room until the gentleman who had at me from the upper window came in laughing the personal history and experience mr dick said my aunt don t be a fool because nobody can be more discreet than you can when you choose we all know that so don t be a fool whatever you are the gentleman was serious immediately and looked at me i thought as if he would entreat me to say nothing about the window mr dick said my aunt you have heard me mention david now don t pretend not to have a memory because you and i know better david said mr dick who did not appear to me to remember much about it david oh yes to be sure david certainly well said my aunt this is his boy his son he would be as like his father as it s possible to be if he was not so like his mother too his son said mr dick david s son indeed yes pursued my aunt and he has done a pretty piece of business he has run away ah his sister never would have run away my aunt shook her head firmly confident in the character and behaviour of the girl who never was born oh you think she wouldn t have run away said mr dick bless and save the man exclaimed my aunt sharply how he talks don t i know she wouldn t she would have lived with her god mother and we should have been devoted to one another where in the name of wonder should his sister have run from or to nowhere said mr dick well then returned my aunt softened by the reply how can you pretend to be wool gathering dick when you are as sharp as a surgeon s now here you see young david and the question i put to you is what shall i do with him w t hat shall you do with him said mr dick feebly scratching his head oh do with him yes said my aunt with a grave look and her forefinger held up come i want some very sound advice why if i was you said mr dick considering and looking at me i should the contemplation of me seemed to inspire him with a sudden idea and he added briskly i should wash him said my aunt turning round with a quiet triumph which i did not then understand mr dick sets us all right heat the bath although i was deeply interested in this dialogue i could not help observing my aunt mr dick and while it was in progress and a survey i had already been engaged in making of the room my aunt was a tall hard lady but by no means ill looking there was an in her face in her voice in her gait and carriage amply sufficient to account for the effect she had made upon a gentle creature like my mother but her features were rather handsome than otherwise though and austere i particularly noticed that she had a very quick bright eye her hair which was grey was arranged in two plain divisions under what i believe would be called a mob cap i mean a cap much more common then than now with under the chin her dress was of a color and op david perfectly neat but made as if she desired to be as little as possible i remember that i thought it in form more like a riding habit with the superfluous skirt cut off than anything else she wore at her side a gentleman s gold watch if i might judge from its size and make with an appropriate chain and she had some linen at her throat not unlike a shirt collar and things at her wrists like little mr dick as i have already said was grey headed and i should have said all about him in saying so had not his head been curiously bowed not by age it reminded me of one of mr s boys heads after a beating and his grey eyes prominent and large with a strange kind of watery brightness in them that made me in combination with his vacant manner his submission to my aunt and ms childish delight she praised him suspect him of being a httle mad though if he were mad how he came to be there puzzled me extremely he was dressed like any other gentleman in a loose grey morning coat and waistcoat and white and had his watch in his and his money in his pockets which he rattled as if he were very proud of it was a pretty blooming girl of about nineteen or twenty
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and a perfect picture of neatness though i made no further observation of her at the moment i may mention here what i did not discover until afterwards namely that she was one of a series of whom my aunt had taken into her service expressly to in a of mankind and who had generally completed their by marrying the baker the room was as neat as or my aunt as i laid down my pen a moment since to think of it the air from the sea came blowing in again mixed with the perfume of the flowers and i saw the old fashioned furniture brightly rubbed and polished my aunt s chair and table by the round green fan in the bow window the covered carpet the cat the kettle the two the old china the full of dried rose leaves the tall press guarding all sorts of bottles and pots and wonderfully out of keeping with the rest my dusty self upon the sofa taking note of everything had gone away to get the bath ready when my aunt to my great alarm became in one moment rigid with indignation and had hardly voice to cry out upon which came running up the stairs as if the house were in flames darted out on a little piece of green in front and warned off two saddle lady ridden that had presumed to set upon it while my aunt rushing out of the house seized the bridle of a third animal laden with a child turned him led him forth from those sacred and the ears of the unlucky in attendance who had dared to profane that ground to this hour i don t know whether my aunt had any lawful right of way over that patch of green but she had settled it in her own mind that she had and it was all the same to her the one great outrage of her life demanding to be constantly was the passage of a donkey ever that spot in whatever occupation she was engaged however interesting to her the conversation in which she was taking part a donkey the personal history and experience turned the current of her ideas in a moment and she was upon him straight of water and watering pots were kept in secret places ready to be discharged on the offending boys sticks were laid in behind the door were made at all hours and incessant war prevailed perhaps this was an agreeable excitement to the donkey boys or perhaps the more sagacious of the understanding how the case stood delighted with constitutional obstinacy in coming that way i only know that there were three before the bath was ready and that on the occasion of the last and most desperate of all i saw my aunt engage single handed with a sandy headed lad of fifteen and his sandy head against her own gate before he seemed to comprehend what was the matter these were the more ridiculous to me because she was giving me out of a table spoon at the time having firmly persuaded herself that i was actually starving and must receive nourishment at first in very small quantities and while my mouth was yet open to receive the spoon she would put it back into the basin cry and go out to the assault the bath was a great comfort for i began to be sensible of acute pains in my limbs from lying out in the fields and was now so tired and low that i could hardly keep myself awake for five minutes together when i had bathed they i mean my aunt and me in a shirt and a pair of belonging to mr dick and tied me up in two or three great what sort of bundle i looked like i don t know but i felt a very hot one feeling also very faint and drowsy i soon lay down on the sofa again and fell asleep it might have been a dream in the fancy which had occupied my mind so long but i awoke with the impression that my aunt had come and bent over me and had put my hair away from my face and laid my head more comfortably and had then stood looking at me the words pretty fellow or poor fellow seemed to be in my ears too but certainly there was nothing else when i awoke to lead me to believe that they had been uttered by my aunt who sat in the bow window gazing at the sea from behind the green fan which was mounted on a kind of and turned any way we dined soon after i awoke off a roast fowl and a i sitting at table not unlike a bird myself and moving my arms with considerable difficulty but as my aunt had me up i made no complaint of being all this time i was deeply anxious to know what she was going to do with me but she took her dinner in profound silence except when she occasionally fixed her eyes on me sitting opposite and said mercy upon us which did not by any means relieve my anxiety the cloth being drawn and some put upon the table of which i had a glass my aunt sent up for mr dick again who joined us and looked as wise as he could when she requested him to attend to my story which she from me gradually by a course of questions during my recital she kept her eyes on mr dick who i thought would have gone to sleep but for that and who he into a smile was checked by a frown from my aunt whatever possessed that poor unfortunate baby that she must go of david and be married again said my aunt when i had finished i can t conceive perhaps she fell in love
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with her second husband mr dick suggested fell in love repeated my aunt what do you mean what business had she to do it perhaps mr dick after thinking a little she did it for pleasure pleasure indeed replied my aunt a mighty pleasure for the poor baby to fix her simple faith upon any dog of a fellow certain to her in some way or other what did she propose to herself i should like to know she had had one husband she had seen david out of the world who was always running after wax from his cradle she had got a baby oh there were a pair of babies when she gave birth to this child sitting here that friday night and what more did she want mr dick secretly shook his head at me as if he thought there was no getting over this she couldn t even have a baby like anybody else said my aunt where was this child s sister not don t tell me mr dick seemed quite frightened that little man of a doctor with his head on one side said my aunt or whatever his name was what was he about all he could do was to say to me like a robin as he is it s a boy a boy the of the whole set of em the of the startled mr dick exceedingly and me too if i am to tell the truth and then as if this was not enough and she had not stood sufficiently in the light of this child s sister said my aunt she a second time goes and a murderer ox a man with a name like it and stands in this child s light and the natural consequence is as anybody but a baby might have foreseen that he and he s as like before he was grown up as he can be mr dick looked hard at me as if to identify me in this character and then there s that woman with the pagan name said my aunt that she goes and gets married next because she has not seen enough of the evil attending such things she goes and gets married next as the child relates i only hope said my aunt shaking her head that her husband is one of those husbands who abound in the newspapers and will beat her well with one i could not bear to hear my old nurse so and made the subject of such a wish i told my aunt that indeed she was mistaken that was the best the truest the most faithful most devoted and most self denying friend and servant in the world who had ever loved me dearly who had ever loved my mother dearly who had held my mother s dying head upon her arm on whose face my mother had her last grateful kiss and my remembrance of them both choking me i broke down as i was trying to say that her home was my home and that all she had was mine and that i would have the personal history and experience gone to her for shelter but for her humble station which made me fear that i might bring some trouble on her i broke down i say as i was trying to say so and laid my face in my hands upon the table well well said my aunt the child is right to stand by those who have stood by him i thoroughly believe that but for those unfortunate we should have come to a good understanding for my aunt had laid her hand on my shoulder and the impulse was upon me thus to embrace her and her protection but the interruption and the disorder she was thrown into by the struggle outside put an end to all softer ideas for the present and kept my aunt indignantly to mr dick about her determination to appeal for to the laws of her country and to bring actions for against the whole donkey of until tea time after tea we sat at the window on the look out as i imagined from my aunt s sharp expression of face for more until dusk when set candles and a board on the table and pulled down the blinds now mr dick said my aunt with her grave look and her forefinger up as before i am going to ask you another question look at this child david s son said mr dick with an attentive puzzled face exactly so returned my aunt what would you do with him now do with david s son said mr dick ay replied my aunt with david s son oh said mr dick yes do i should put him to bed cried my aunt with the same complacent triumph that i had remarked before mr dick sets us all right if the bed is ready we take him up to it it to be quite ready i was taken up to it kindly but in some sort like a prisoner my aunt going in front and bringing up the rear the only circumstance which gave me any new hope was my aunt s stopping on the stairs to inquire about a smell of fire that was there and s replying that she had been making down in the kitchen of my old shirt but there were no other clothes in my room than the odd heap of things i wore and when i was left there with a little which my aunt me would burn exactly five minutes i heard them lock my door on the outside turning these things over in my mind i deemed it possible that my aunt who could know nothing of me might suspect i had a habit of running away and took precautions on that account to
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has been ill used enough by some that bear it to have a mortal for it heaven knows mr dick is his name here and everywhere else now if he ever went anywhere else which he don t so take care child you don t call him anything but mr dick i promised to obey and went up stairs with my message thinking as i went that if mr dick had been working at his memorial long at the same rate as i had seen him working at it through the open door when i came down he was probably getting on very well indeed i found him still driving at it with a long pen and his head almost laid upon the paper he was so intent upon it that i had ample leisure to observe the large paper in a corner the confusion of bundles of manuscript the number of pens and above all the quantity of ink he seemed to have in in half by the dozen before he observed my being present ha said mr dick laying down his pen how does the world go i ll tell you what he added in a lower tone i shouldn t wish it to be mentioned but it s a here he beckoned to me and put his lips close to my ear it s a mad world mad as boy said mr dick taking snuff from a round box on the table and laughing heartily of david without to give my opinion on this question i delivered my message well said mr dick in answer my compliments to her and i i believe i have made a start i think i have made a start said mr dick passing his hand among his grey hair and casting anything but a confident look at his manuscript you have been to school yes sir i answered for a short time do you recollect the date said mr dick looking earnestly at me and taking up his pen to note it down when king charles the had his head cut off i said i believed it happened in the year sixteen hundred and forty nine well returned mr dick scratching his ear with his pen and looking at me so the books say but i don t see how that can be because if it was so long ago how could the people about him have made that mistake of putting some of the trouble out of ms head after it was taken off into mine i was very much surprised by the inquiry but could give no information on this point it s very strange said mr dick with a look upon his papers and with his hand among his hair again that i never can get that quite right i never can make that perfectly clear but no matter no matter he said cheerfully and rousing himself there s time enough my compliments to miss i am getting on very well indeed i was going away when he directed my attention to the what do you think of that for a he said i answered that it was a beautiful one i should think it must have been as much as seven feet high i made it we go and fly it you and i said mr dick do you see this he showed me that it was covered with manuscript very closely and laboriously written but so plainly that as i looked along the lines i thought i saw some allusion to king charles the first s head again in one or two places there s plenty of string said mr dick and when it flies high it takes the facts a long way that s my manner of em i don t know where they may come down it s according to circumstances and the wind and so forth but i take my chance of that his face was so very mild and pleasant and had something so reverend in it though it was hale and hearty that i was not sure but that he was having a good humoured jest with me so i laughed and he laughed and we parted the best friends possible well child said my aunt when i went down stairs and what of mr dick this morning i informed her that he sent his compliments and was getting on very well indeed what do you think of him said my aunt i had some shadowy idea of endeavouring to the question by replying that i thought him a very nice gentleman but my aunt was not to be so put off for she laid her work down in her lap and said folding her hands upon it l the personal history and experience come your sister would have told me what she thought of any one directly be as like your sister as you can and speak out is he is mr dick i ask because i don t know aunt is he at all out of his mind then i stammered for i felt i was on dangerous ground not a morsel said my aunt oh indeed t observed faintly if there is anything in the world said my aunt with great decision and force of manner that mr dick is not it s that i had nothing better to offer than another timid oh indeed he has been called mad said my aunt i have a selfish pleasure in saying he has been called mad or i should not have had the benefit of his society and advice for these last ten years and upwards in fact ever since your sister disappointed me so long as that i said and nice people they were who had the audacity to call him mad pursued my aunt mr dick is a sort of distant of mine it doesn t matter how
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i needn t enter into that if it hadn t been for me his own brother would have shut him up for life that s all i am afraid it was in me but seeing that my aunt felt strongly on the subject i tried to look as if i felt strongly too a proud fool said my aunt because his brother was a little eccentric though he is not half so eccentric as a good many people he didn t like to have him visible about his house and sent him away to some private asylum place though he had been left to his particular care by their deceased father who thought him almost a natural and a wise man he must have been to think so mad himself no doubt again as my aunt looked quite convinced i endeavoured to look quite convinced also so i stepped in said my aunt and made him an offer i said your brother s sane a great deal more sane than you are or ever will be it is to be hoped let him have his little income and come and live with me j am not afraid of him am not proud i am ready to take care of him and shall not ill treat him as some people besides the asylum folks have done after a good deal of said my aunt i got him and he has been here ever since he is the most friendly and creature in existence and as for advice but nobody knows what that man s mind is except myself my aunt smoothed her dress and shook her head as if she smoothed defiance of the whole world out of the one and shook it out of the other he had a favorite sister said my aunt a good creature and veiy kind to him but she did what they all do took a husband and he did what they all do made her wretched it had such an effect upon the mind of mr dick that s not madness i hope that combined with his fear of his brother and his sense of his it threw him into a fever that was before he came to me but the recollection of it is oppressive to him even now did he say anything to you about king charles the first child yes aunt ah said my aunt rubbing her nose as if she were a little vexed that s his way of expressing it he his illness david with great disturbance and agitation naturally and that s the figure or the or whatever it s called which he chooses to use and why shouldn t he if he thinks proper i said certainly aunt it s not a business like way of speaking said my aunt nor a worldly way i am aware of that and that s the reason why i insist upon it that there shan t be a word about it in his memorial is it a memorial about his own history that he is writing aunt yes child said my aunt rubbing her nose again he is the lord or the lord somebody or other one of those people at all events who are paid to be about his affairs i suppose it will go in one of these days he hasn t been able to draw it up yet without introducing that mode of expressing himself but it don t signify it keeps him employed in fact i found out afterwards that mr dick had been for upwards of ten years endeavouring to keep king charles the first out of the memorial but he had been constantly getting into it and was there now i say again said my aunt nobody knows what that man s mind is except myself and he s the most and friendly creature in existence if he likes to fly a sometimes what of that used to fly a he was a or something of that sort if i am not mistaken and a flying a is a much more ridiculous object than anybody else if i could have supposed that my aunt had these particulars for my especial and as a piece of confidence in me i should have felt very much distinguished and should have from such a mark of her good opinion but i could hardly help observing that she had launched into them chiefly because the question was raised in her own mind and with very little reference to me though she had addressed herself to me in the absence of anybody else at the same time i must say that the generosity of her of poor harmless mr dick not only inspired my young breast with some selfish hope for myself but warmed it towards her i believe that i began to know that there was something about my aunt notwithstanding her many and odd to be honored and trusted in though she was just as sharp that day as on the day before and was in and out about the just as often and was thrown into a tremendous state of indignation when a young man going by at a window which was one of the that could be committed against my aunt s dignity she seemed to me to command more of my respect if not less of my fear the anxiety i in the interval which necessarily elapsed before a reply could be received to her letter to mr was extreme but i made an endeavour to suppress it and to be as agreeable as i could in a quiet way both to my aunt and mr dick the latter and i would have gone out to fly the great but that i had still no other clothes than the anything but ornamental garments with which i had been decorated on the first day and which confined
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me to the house except for an hour after dark when my aunt for my health s sake me up and down on the cliff outside before going to bed at length the reply from mr came and my aunt informed me to my infinite l the personal history and experience terror that he was coming to speak to her himself on the next day on the next day still up in my curious i sat counting the time flushed and heated by the conflict of sinking and rising fears within me and waiting to be startled by the sight of the gloomy face whose non arrival startled me every minute my aunt was a little more imperious and stern than usual but i observed no other token of her preparing herself to receive the visitor so much dreaded by me she sat at work in the window and i sat by with my thoughts running astray on all possible and impossible results of mr s visit until pretty late in the afternoon oar dinner had been postponed but it was growing so late that my aunt had ordered it to be got ready when she gave a sudden alarm of and to my consternation and amazement i beheld miss on a ride deliberately over the sacred piece of green and stop in front of the house looking about her go along with you cried my aunt shaking her head and her fist at the window you have no business there how dare you go along oh you bold faced thing my aunt was so exasperated by the coolness with which miss looked about her that i really believe she was motionless and unable for the moment to dart out according to custom i seized the opportunity to inform her who it was and that the gentleman now coming near the for the way up was very steep and he had dropped behind was mr himself i don t care who it is cried my aunt still shaking her head and anything but welcome from the bow window i won t be upon i won t allow it go away turn him round lead him off and i saw from behind my aunt a sort of hurried in which the donkey stood resisting everybody with all his four legs planted different ways while tried to pull him round by the bridle mr tried to lead him on miss struck at with a and several boys who had come to see the engagement shouted vigorously but my aunt suddenly among them the young who was the donkey s guardian and who was one of the most against her though hardly in his rushed out to the scene of action upon him captured him dragged him with his jacket over his head and his heels grinding the ground into the garden and calling upon to fetch the and that he might be taken tried and executed on the spot held him at bay there this part of the business however did not last long for the young rascal being expert at a variety of and of which my aunt had no conception soon went away leaving some deep impressions of his nailed boots in the flower beds and taking his donkey in triumph with him miss during the latter portion of the contest had dismounted and was now waiting with her brother at the bottom of the steps until my aunt should be at leisure to receive them my aunt a little ruffled by the combat marched past them into the house with great dignity and took no notice of their presence until they were announced by shall i go away aunt i asked trembling no sir said my aunt certainly not with which she pushed c m n n ck tj of david me into a corner near her and me in with a chair as if it were a prison or a bar of justice this position i continued to occupy during the whole interview and from it i now saw mr and miss enter the room oh said my aunt i was not aware at first to whom i had the pleasure of but i don t allow anybody to ride over that turf i make no exceptions i don t allow anybody to do it your is rather awkward to strangers said miss is it said my aunt mr seemed afraid of a renewal of and began miss i beg your pardon observed my aunt with a keen look tou are the mr who married the widow of my late nephew david of though why i don t know i am said mr tou excuse my saying sir returned my aunt that i think it would have been a much better and happier thing if you had left that poor child alone i so far agree with what miss has remarked observed miss that i consider our lamented to have been in all essential respects a mere child it is a comfort to you and me ma am said my aunt who are getting on in life and are not likely to be made unhappy by our personal attractions that nobody can say the same of us no doubt returned miss though i thought not with a very ready or gracious assent and it certainly might have been as you say a better and happier thing for my brother if he had never entered into such a marriage i have always been of that opinion i have no doubt you have said my aunt ringing the bell my to mr dick and beg him to come down until he came my aunt sat perfectly upright and stiff frowning at the wall when he came my aunt performed the ceremony of introduction mr dick an old and intimate friend on whose judgment said my aunt with emphasis as an to mr dick who was biting his forefinger and
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looking rather foolish i rely mr dick took his finger out of his mouth on this hint and stood among the group with a grave and attentive expression of face my aunt inclined her head to mr who went on miss on the receipt of your letter i considered it an act of greater justice to myself and perhaps of more respect to you thank you said my aunt still him keenly you needn t mind me to answer it in person however inconvenient the journey pursued mr rather than by letter this unhappy boy who has run away from his friends and his occupation and whose appearance interposed his sister directing general attention to me in my costume is perfectly scandalous and disgraceful jane said her brother have the goodness not to interrupt me this unhappy boy miss has been the occasion the personal history and experience of much domestic trouble and uneasiness both during the lifetime of ray late dear wife and since he has a sullen rebellious spirit a violent temper and an disposition both my sister and myself have endeavoured to correct his vices but and i have felt we both have felt i may say my sister being fully in my confidence that it is right you should receive this grave and assurance from our lips e it can hardly be necessary for me to confirm anything stated by my brother said miss but i beg to observe that of all the boys in the world i believe this is the worst boy strong said my aunt shortly but not at all too strong for the facts returned miss ha said my aunt well sir i have my own opinions resumed mr whose face darkened more and more the more he and my aunt observed each other which they did very narrowly as to the best mode of bringing him up they are founded in part on my knowledge of him and in part on my knowledge of my own means and resources i am responsible for them to myself i act upon them and i say no more about them it is enough that i place this boy under the eye of a friend of my own in a respectable business that it does not please him that he runs away from it makes himself a common vagabond about the country and comes here in rags to appeal to you miss i wish to set before you the exact consequences so far as they are within my knowledge of your him in this appeal but about the respectable business first said my aunt if he had been your own boy you would have put him to it just the same i suppose if he had been my brother s own boy returned miss striking in his character i trust would have been altogether different or if the poor child his mother had been alive he would still have gone into the respectable business would he said my aunt i believe said mr with an inclination of his head that would have disputed nothing which myself and my sister jane were agreed was for the best miss confirmed this with an audible murmur said my aunt unfortunate baby mr dick who had been rattling his money all this time was rattling it so loudly now that my aunt felt it necessary to check him with a look before saying the poor child s died with her died with her replied mr and there was no settlement of the little property the house and garden the what s its name without any in it upon her boy it had been left to her by her first husband mr began when my aunt caught him up with the greatest and impatience good lord man there s no occasion to say that left to her i think i see david looking forward to any condition of any sort or kind though it stared him point blank in the face of course it was left to her but when she married again when she took that most disastrous step of marrying you in of david short said my aunt to be plain did no one put in a word for the boy at that time my late wife loved her second husband madam said mr and trusted in bim your late wife sir was a most most unhappy most unfortunate baby returned my aunt shaking her head at him that s what she was and now what have you got to say next merely this miss he returned i am here to take david back to take him back to dispose of him as i think proper and to deal with him as i think right i am not here to make any promise or give any pledge to anybody you may possibly have some idea miss of him in his running away and in his complaints to you your manner which i must say does not seem intended to me to think it possible now i must caution you that if you him once you him for good and all if you step in between him and me now you must step in miss for ever i cannot trifle or be with i am here for the first and last time to take him away is he ready to go if he is not and you tell me he is not on any pretence it is indifferent to me what my doors are shut against him henceforth and yours i take it for granted are open to him to this address my aunt had listened with the attention sitting perfectly upright with her hands folded on one knee and looking grimly on the speaker when he had finished she turned her eyes so as to command miss without otherwise disturbing her attitude and said
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well ma am have you got anything to remark indeed miss said miss all that i could say has been so well said by my brother and all that i know to be the fact has been so plainly stated by bim that i have nothing to add except my thanks for your politeness for your very great politeness i am sure said miss with an irony which no more affected my aunt than it the cannon i had slept by at and what does the boy say said my aunt are you ready to go david i answered no and entreated her not to let me go i said that neither mr nor miss had ever liked me or had ever been kind to me that they had made my who always loved me dearly unhappy about me and that i knew it well and that knew it i said that i had been more miserable than i thought anybody could believe who only knew how young i was and i begged and prayed my aunt i forget in what terms now but i remember that they affected me very much then to and protect me for my father s sake mr dick said my aunt what shall i do with this child mr dick considered hesitated brightened and rejoined have him measured for a suit of clothes directly mr dick said my aunt triumphantly give me your hand for your common sense is invaluable having shaken it with great cordiality she pulled me towards her and said to mr you can go when you i take my chance with the boy if he s all you say he is at least i can do as much for him then as you have done but i don t a word of it the personal history and experience miss rejoined mr ms shoulders as he rose if you were a gentleman stuff and nonsense said my aunt don t talk to me how exquisitely polite exclaimed miss rising overpowering really do you think i don t know said my aunt turning a deaf ear to the sister and continuing to address the brother and to shake her head at him with infinite expression what kind of life you must have led that poor unhappy baby do you think i don t know what a day it was for the soft little creature when you first came in her way and making great eyes at her i be bound as if you couldn t say to a goose i never heard anything so elegant said miss do you think i can t understand you as well as if i had seen you pursued my aunt now that i do see and hear you which i tell you candidly is anything but a pleasure to me oh yes bless us who so smooth and as mr at first the poor innocent had never seen such a man he was made of sweetness he worshipped her he on her boy tenderly on him he was to be another father to him and they were all to live together in a garden of roses weren t they get along with you do said my aunt i never heard anything like this person in my life exclaimed miss and when you had made sure of the poor little fool said my aunt god forgive me that i should call her so and she gone where you won t go in a hurry because you had not done wrong enough to her and hers you must begin to train her must you begin to break her like a poor bird and wear her life away in teaching her to sing your notes this is either insanity or said miss in a perfect agony at not being able to turn the current of my aunt s address towards herself and my suspicion is that it s miss without taking the least notice of the interruption continued to address herself to mr as if there had been no such thing mr she said shaking her finger at him you were a tyrant to the simple baby and you broke her heart she was a loving baby i know that i knew it years before you ever saw her and through the best part of her weakness you gave her the wounds she died of there is the truth for your comfort however you like it and you and your instruments may make the most of it allow me to inquire miss interposed miss whom you are pleased to call in a choice of words in which i am not experienced my brother s instruments still stone deaf to the voice and utterly unmoved by it miss pursued her discourse it was clear enough as i have told you years before you ever saw her and why in the mysterious of providence you ever did see her is more than humanity can comprehend it was clear enough that the poor soft little thing would marry somebody at some time or other but i did hope it wouldn t have been as bad as it has turned out op david that was the time mr when she gave birth to her boy here said my aunt to the poor child you sometimes tormented her through afterwards which is a disagreeable remembrance and makes the sight of him odious now aye aye you needn t said my aunt i know it s true without that he had stood by the door all this while observant of her with a smile upon his face though his black eyebrows were heavily contracted i remarked now that though the smile was on his face still his colour had gone in a moment and he seemed to breathe as if he had been running good day sir said my aunt and good bye good
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day to you too ma am said my aunt turning suddenly upon his sister let me see you ride a donkey over my green again and as sure as you have a head upon your shoulders i knock your bonnet off and tread upon it it would require a painter and no common painter too to my aunt s face as she delivered herself of this very unexpected sentiment and miss s face as she heard it but the manner of the speech no less than the matter was so fiery that miss without a word in answer put her arm through her brother s and walked out of the cottage my aunt remaining in the window looking after them prepared i have no doubt in case of the donkey s to carry her threat into instant execution no attempt at defiance being made however her face gradually relaxed and became so pleasant that i was to kiss and thank her which i did with great and with both my arms clasped round her neck i then shook hands with mr dick who shook hands with me a great many times and hailed this happy close of the proceedings with repeated bursts of laughter you ll consider yourself guardian with me of this child mr dick said my aunt i shall be delighted said mr dick to be the guardian of david s son very good returned my aunt that s settled i have been thinking do you know mr dick that i might call him certainly certainly call him certainly said mr dick david s son s you mean returned my aunt yes to be sure yes said mr dick a little abashed my aunt took so kindly to the notion that some ready made clothes which were purchased for me that afternoon were marked in her own handwriting and in marking ink before i put them on and it was settled that all the other clothes which were ordered to be made for me a complete was that afternoon should be marked in the same way thus i began my new life in a new name and with everything new about me now that the state of doubt was over i felt for many days like one in a dream i never thought that i had a curious couple of in my aunt and mr dick i never thought of anything about myself distinctly the two things in my mind were that a the personal history and experience had come upon the old life which seemed to lie in the haze of an distance and that a curtain had for ever fallen on my life at and s no one has ever raised that curtain since i have lifted it for a moment oven in this narrative with a reluctant hand and dropped it gladly the remembrance of that life is with so much pain to me with so much mental suffering and want of hope that i have never had the courage even to examine how long i was doomed to lead it whether it lasted for a year or more or less i do not know i only know that it was and ceased to be and that i have written and there i leave it xv i make another beginning mr dick and i soon became the best of friends and very often when his day s work was done went out together to fly the great eveiy day of his life he had a long sitting at the memorial which never made the least progress however hard he labored for king charles the first always strayed into it sooner or later and then it was thrown aside and another one begun the patience and hope with which he bore these perpetual disappointments the mild perception he had that there was something wrong about king charles the first the feeble efforts he made to keep him out and the certainty with which he came in and tumbled the memorial out of all shape made a deep impression on me what mr dick supposed would come of the memorial if it were completed where he thought it was to go or what he thought it was to do he knew no more than anybody else i believe nor was it at all necessary that he should trouble himself with such questions for if anything were certain under the sun it was certain that the memorial never would be finished it was quite an affecting sight i used to think to see him with the when it was up a great height in the air what he had told me in his room about his in its the statements on it which were nothing but old leaves of might have been a fancy with him sometimes but not when he was out looking up at the in the sky and feeling it pull and at his hand he never looked so serene as he did then i used to fancy as i sat by him of an evening on a green slope and saw him watch the high in the quiet air that it lifted his mind out of its confusion and bore it such was my boyish thought into the skies as he wound the string in and it came lower and lower down out of the beautiful light until it fluttered to the ground and lay there like a dead thing he seemed to wake gradually out of a dream and i remember to have seen him take it up and look about him in a lost way as if they had both come down together so that i pitied him with all my heart while i advanced in friendship and intimacy with mr dick i did not go backward in the favor of his friend my aunt she took so of david kindly to me that in the course of a few weeks
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she my adopted name of into trot and even encouraged me to hope that if i went on as i had begun i might take equal rank in her affections with my sister trot said my aunt one evening when the board was placed as usual for herself and mr dick we must not forget your education this was my only subject of anxiety and i felt quite delighted by her referring to it should you like to go to school at said my aunt i replied that i should like it very much as it was so near her good said my aunt should you like to go to morrow being already no stranger to the general rapidity of my aunt s i was not surprised by the suddenness of the proposal and said yes good said my aunt again hire the grey pony and chaise to morrow morning at ten o clock and pack up master s clothes to night i was greatly elated by these orders but my heart smote me for my selfishness when i witnessed their effect on mr dick who was so at the prospect of our separation and played so ill in consequence that my aunt after giving him several on the with her box shut up the board and declined to play with him any more but on hearing from my aunt that i should sometimes come over on a saturday and that he could sometimes come and see me on a wednesday he revived and vowed to make another for those occasions of proportions greatly surpassing the present one in the morning he was again and would have sustained himself by giving me all the money he had in his possession gold and silver too if my aunt had not interposed and limited the gift to five shillings which at his earnest petition were afterwards increased to ten we parted at the garden gate in a most affectionate manner and mr dick did not go into the house until my aunt had driven me out of sight of it my aunt who was perfectly indifferent to public opinion drove the grey pony through in a manner sitting high and stiff like a state coachman keeping a steady eye upon him wherever he went and making a point of not letting him have his own way in any respect when we came into the country road she permitted him to a little however and looking at me down in a valley of cushion by her side asked me whether was happy yery happy indeed thank you aunt i said she was much gratified and both her hands being occupied patted me on the head with her whip is it a large school aunt i asked why i don t know said my aunt we are going to mi s first does he keep a school i asked no trot said my aunt he keeps an office i asked for no more information about mr as she offered none and we conversed on other subjects until we came to where as it was market day my aunt had a great opportunity of the personal history and experience the grey pony among carts baskets vegetables and s goods the hair breadth turns and we made drew down upon us a variety of speeches from the people standing about which were not always complimentary but my aunt drove on with perfect indifference and i dare say would have taken her own way with as much coolness through an enemy s country at length we stopped before a very old house out over the road a house with long low windows out still farther and beams with carved heads on the ends out too so that i fancied the whole house was leaning forward trying to see who was passing on the narrow pavement below it was quite in its cleanliness the brass on the low arched door ornamented with carved of fruit and flowers like a star the two stone steps descending to the door were as white as if they had been covered with fair linen and all the angles and corners and and and quaint little panes of glass and little windows though as old as the hills were as pure as any snow that ever fell upon the hills when the pony chaise stopped at the door and my eyes were intent upon the house i saw a face appear at a small window on the ground floor in a little round tower that formed one side of the house and quickly disappear the low arched door then opened and the face came out it was quite as as it had looked in the window though in the grain of it there was that tinge of red which is sometimes to be observed in the skins of red haired people it belonged to a red haired person a youth of fifteen as i take it now but looking much older whose hair was as close as the who had hardly any eyebrows and no and eyes of a red brown so and that i remember wondering how he went to sleep he was high shouldered and bony dressed in decent black with a white of a up to the throat and had a long skeleton hand which particularly attracted my attention as he stood at the pony s head rubbing his chin with it and looking up at us in the chaise is mr at home said my aunt mr s at home ma am said if you please to walk in there pointing with his long hand to the room he meant we got out and leaving him to hold the pony went into a long low parlor looking towards the street from the window of which i caught a glimpse as i went in of breathing into the pony s nostrils and immediately covering them
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i was sure to find them either just rising or just setting at length much to my relief my aunt and mr came back after a pretty long absence they were not so successful as i could have wished for though the advantages of the school were my aunt had not approved of any of the boarding houses proposed for me it s very unfortunate said my aunt i don t know what to do trot it does happen unfortunately said mr but i ll tell you what you can do miss what s that inquired my aunt leave your nephew here for the present he s a quiet fellow he won t disturb me at all it s a capital house for study as quiet as a and almost as leave him here mv aunt evidently liked the offer though she was delicate of accepting it so did i come miss said mr this is the way out of the difficulty it s only a temporary arrangement you know if it don t act well or don t quite accord with our mutual convenience he can easily go to the right about there will be time to find some better place for him in the meanwhile you had better determine to leave him here for the present i am very much obliged to you said my aunt and so is he i see but come i know what you mean cried mr you shall of david not be oppressed by the receipt of miss you for him if you like we won t be hard about terms but you shall pay if you will on that understanding said my aunt though it doesn t lessen the real obligation i shall be very glad to leave him then come and see my little housekeeper said mr we accordingly went up a wonderful old staircase with a so broad that we might have gone up that almost as easily and into a shady old drawing room lighted by some three or four of the quaint windows i had looked up at from the street which had old oak seats in them that seemed to have come of the same trees as the shining oak floor and the great beams in the it was a prettily furnished room with a piano and some lively furniture in red and green and some flowers it seemed to be all old and corners and in every nook and corner there was some queer little table or cupboard or or seat or something or other that made me think there was not another good corner in the room until i looked at the next one and found it equal to it if not better on everything there was the same air of retirement and cleanliness that marked the house outside mr tapped at a door in a corner of the wall and a girl of about my own age came quickly out and kissed him on her face i saw immediately the placid and sweet expression of the lady whose picture had looked at me down stairs it seemed to my imagination as if the portrait had grown womanly and the original remained a child although her face was quite bright and happy there was a tranquillity about it and about a quiet good calm spirit that i never have forgotten that i never shall forget this was his little housekeeper his daughter mr said when i heard how he said it and saw how he held her hand i guessed what the one motive of his life was she had a little basket trifle hanging at her side with keys in it and looked as staid and as discreet a housekeeper as the old house could have she listened to her father as he told her about me with a pleasant face and when he had concluded proposed to my aunt that we should go upstairs and see my room we all went together she before us and a glorious old room it was with more oak beams and diamond panes and the broad going all the way up to it i cannot call to mind where or when in my childhood i had seen a stained glass window in a church nor do i recollect its subject but i know that when i saw her turn round in the grave light of the old staircase and wait for us above i thought of that window and that i associated something of its tranquil brightness with ever afterwards my aunt was as happy as i was in the arrangement made for me and we went down to the drawing room again well pleased and gratified as she would not hear of staying to dinner lest she should by any chance fail to arrive at home with the grey pony before dark and as i apprehend mr knew her too well to argue any point with her some lunch was provided for her there and a went back to her and mr to his office so we were left to take leave of one another without any restraint the personal history and experience she told me that everything would be arranged for me by mr and that i should want for nothing and gave me the kindest words and the best advice trot said my aunt in conclusion be a credit to yourself to me and mr dick and heaven be with you i was greatly overcome and could only thank her again and again and send my love to mr dick never said my aunt be mean in anything never be false never be cruel avoid those three vices trot and i can always be hopeful of you i promised as well as i could that i would not abuse her kindness or forget her the pony s at the door said my aunt and i am off stay here with these words
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she embraced me hastily and went out of the room shutting the door after her at first i was startled by so abrupt a departure and almost feared i had displeased her but when i looked into the street and saw how she got into the chaise and drove away without looking up i understood her better and did not do her that injustice by five o clock which was mr s dinner hour i had up my spirits again and was ready for my knife and fork the cloth was only laid for us two but was waiting in the drawing room before dinner went down with her father and sat opposite to him at table i doubted whether he could have dined without her we did not stay there after dinner but came up stairs into the drawing room again in one snug corner of which set glasses for her father and a of port wine i thought he would have missed its usual flavor if it had been put there for him by any other hands there he sat taking his wine and taking a good deal of it for two hours while played on the piano worked and talked to him and me he was for the most part gay and cheerful with us but sometimes his eyes rested on her and he fell into a brooding state and was silent she always observed this quickly as i thought and always roused him with a question or caress then he came out of his meditation and drank more wine made the tea and presided over it and the time passed away after it as after dinner until she went to bed when her father took her in his arms and kissed her and she being gone ordered candles in his office then i went to bed too but in the course of the evening i had down to the door and a little way along the street that i might have another peep at the old houses and the grey cathedral and might think of my coming through that old city on my journey and of my passing the very house i lived in without knowing it as i came back i saw shutting up the office and feeling friendly towards everybody went in and spoke to him and at parting gave him my hand but oh what a hand his was as ghostly to the touch as to the sight i rubbed mine afterwards to warm it and to rub his of it was such an uncomfortable hand that when i went to my room it was still cold and wet upon my memory leaning out of window and seeing one of the faces on the beam ends looking at me sideways i fancied it was got up there somehow and shut him out in a hurry op david chapter xvi i am a new boy in more senses than one next morning after breakfast i entered on school life again i went accompanied by mr to the scene of my future studies a grave building in a court yard with a learned air about it that seemed very well suited to the stray and who came down from the cathedral towers to walk with a bearing on the grass plot and was introduced to my new master doctor strong doctor strong looked almost as rusty to my thinking as the tall iron rails and gates outside the house and almost as stiff and heavy as the great stone that them and were set up on the top of the red brick wall at regular distances all round the court like for time to play at he was in his library i mean doctor strong was with his clothes not particularly well brushed and his hair not particularly well his knee his long black and his shoes yawning hke two on the hearth rug turning upon me a eye that reminded me of a long forgotten old horse who once used to crop the grass and tumble over the graves in churchyard he said he was glad to see me and then he gave me his hand which i didn t know what to do with as it did nothing for itself but sitting at work not far off from doctor strong was a very pretty young lady whom he called and who was his daughter i supposed who got me out of my difficulty by kneeling down to put doctor strong s shoes on and button his which she did with great cheerfulness and quickness when she had finished and we were going out to the school room i was much surprised to hear mr in bidding her good morning address her as mrs strong and i was wondering could she be doctor strong s son s wife or could she be mrs doctor strong when doctor strong himself unconsciously enlightened me by the bye he said stopping in a passage with his hand on my shoulder you have not found any suitable provision for my wife s cousin yet no said mr no not yet i could wish it done as soon as it can be done said doctor strong for jack is and idle and of those two bad things worse things sometimes come what does doctor say he added looking at me and moving his head to the time of his quotation satan finds some mischief still for idle hands to do doctor returned mr if doctor knew mankind he might have written with as much truth satan finds some mischief still for busy hands to do the busy people achieve their full share of mischief in the world you may rely upon it what have the people been about who have been the in getting money and in getting power this century or two no mischief m the personal history and experience jack will never be
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like it very much i hoped but i was a little strange to it at first you have never been to school i said have you oh yes every day ah but you mean here at your own home papa couldn t spare me to go anywhere else she answered smiling and shaking her head his housekeeper must be in his house you know he is very fond of you i am sure i said she nodded yes and went to the door to listen for his coming up that she might meet him on the stairs but as he was not there she came back again m the per history and experience has been dead ever since i was born she said in her quiet way i only know her picture down stairs i saw you looking at it yesterday did you think whose it was i told her yes because it was so like herself papa says so too said pleased hark that s papa now her bright calm face lighted up with pleasure as she went to meet him and as they came in hand in hand he greeted me cordially and told me i should certainly be happy under doctor strong who was one of the of men there may be some perhaps i don t know that there are who abuse his kindness said mr never be one of those in anything he is the least suspicious of mankind aud whether that s a merit or whether it s a it deserves consideration in all dealings with the doctor great or small he spoke t thought as if he were weary or dissatisfied with something but i did not pursue the question in my mind for dinner was just then announced and we went down and took the same seats as before we had scarcely done so when put in his red head and his hand at the door and said here s mr the favor of a word sir i am but this moment quit of mr said his master yes sir returned but mr has come back and he the favor of a word as he held the door open with his hand looked at me and looked at and looked at the dishes and looked at the plates and looked at every object in the room i thought yet seemed to look at nothing he made such an appearance all the while of keeping his red eyes on his master i beg your pardon it s only to say on reflection observed a voice behind as s head was pushed away and the speaker s pray excuse me for this intrusion that as it seems i have no choice in the matter the sooner i go abroad the better my cousin did say when we talked of it that she to have her friends within reach rather than to have them banished and the old doctor doctor strong was that mr interposed gravely doctor strong of course returned the other i call him the old doctor it s all the same you know i know returned mr well doctor strong said the other doctor strong was of the same mind i believed but as it appears from the course you take with me that he has changed his mind why there s no more to be said except that the sooner i am off the better therefore i thought i d come back and say that the sooner i am off the better when a plunge is to be made into the water it s of no use lingering on the bank there shall be as little lingering as possible in your case mr you may depend upon it said mr thank ee said the other much obliged i don t want to look a gift horse in the mouth which is not a gracious thing to do otherwise i dare say my cousin could easily arrange it in her own way i suppose would only have to say to the old doctor meaning that mrs strong would only have to say to her husband do follow you said mr op david quite so returned the other would only have to say that she wanted such and such a thing to be so and so and it would be so and so as a matter of course and why as a matter of course mr asked mr eating his dinner why because s a charming young girl and the old doctor doctor strong i mean is not quite a charming young boy said mr jack laughing no offence to anybody mr i only mean that i suppose some compensation is fair and reasonable in that sort of marriage compensation to the lady sir asked mr gravely to the lady sir mr jack answered laughing but appearing to remark that mr went on with his dinner in the same manner and that there was no hope of making him a muscle of his face he added however i have said what i came back to say and with another apology for this intrusion i may take myself off of course i shall observe your directions in considering the matter as one to be arranged between you and me solely and not to be referred to up at the doctor s have you dined asked mr with a motion of his hand towards the table thank ee i am going to dine said mr with my cousin good bye mr without rising looked after him thoughtfully as he went out he was rather a shallow sort of young gentleman i thought with a handsome face a rapid utterance and a confident bold air and this was the first i ever saw of mr jack whom i had not expected to see so soon when i heard the doctor speak of
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him that morning when we had dined we went up stairs again where everything went on exactly as on the previous day set the glasses and in the same corner and mr sat down to drink and drank a good deal played the piano to him sat by him and worked and talked and played some games at with me in good time she made tea and afterwards when i brought down my books looked into them and showed me what she knew of them which was no slight matter though she said it was and what was the best way to learn and understand them i see her with her modest orderly placid manner and i hear her beautiful calm voice as i write these words the influence for all good which she came to exercise over me at a later time begins already to descend upon my breast i love little em ly and i don t love no not at all in that way but i feel that there are goodness peace and truth wherever is and that the soft light of the colored window in the church seen long ago falls on her always and on me when i am near her and on every thing around the time having come for her for the night and she having left us i gave mr my hand preparatory to going away myself but he checked me and said should you like to stay with us or to go elsewhere to stay i answered quickly you are sure if you please if i may the history and experience why it s but a dull life that we lead here boy s i am afraid he said not more dull for me than sir not dull at all than he repeated walking slowly to the great chimney piece and leaning against it than he had drank wine that evening or i fancied it until his eyes were not that i could see them now for they were cast down and shaded by his hand but i had noticed them a little while before now i wonder he muttered whether my of me when should i ever tire of her but that s different that s quite different he was musing not speaking to me so i remained quiet a dull old house he said and a monotonous life but i must have her near me i must keep her near me if the thought that i may die and leave my darling or that my darling may die and leave me comes like a to distress my happiest hours and is only to be drowned in he did not supply the word but pacing slowly to the place where he had sat and mechanically going through the action of pouring wine from the empty set it down and paced back again if it is miserable to bear when she is here he said what would it be and she away no no no i can not try that he leaned against the chimney piece brooding so long that i could not decide whether to run the risk of disturbing him by going or to remain quietly where i was until he should come out of his reverie at length he aroused himself and looked about the room until his eyes encountered mine stay with us eh he said in his usual manner and as if he were answering something i had just said i am glad of it you are company to us both it is wholesome to have you here wholesome for me wholesome for wholesome perhaps for all of us i am sure it is for me sir i said i am so glad to be here that s a fine fellow said mr as long as you are glad to be here you shall stay here he shook hands with me upon it and clapped me on the back and told me that when i had anything to do at night after had left us or when i wished to read for my own pleasure i was free to come down to his room if he were there and if i desired it for company s sake and to sit with him i thanked him for his consideration and as he went down soon afterwards and i was not tired went down too with a book in my hand to avail myself for half an hour of his permission but seeing a light in the little round office and immediately feeling myself attracted towards who had a sort of fascination for me i went in there instead i found reading a great fat book with such attention that his fore finger followed up every line as he read and made tracks along the page or so i fully believed like a you are working late to night says i yes says as i was getting on the stool opposite to talk to him more conveniently i observed that he had not such a thing as a smile about him and that he could only his mouth and make two hard down his cheeks one on each side to stand for one op david i am not doing office work master said what work then i asked i am improving my legal knowledge master said i am going through s practice oh what a writer mr is master i my stool was such a tower of observation that as i watched him reading on again after this exclamation and following up the lines with his fore finger i observed that his nostrils which were thin and pointed with sharp in them had a singular and most uncomfortable way of and themselves that they seemed to twinkle instead of his eyes which hardly ever at all i suppose you are quite a great lawyer i said after looking at him for some
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time me master said oh no i m a very person it was no fancy of mine about his hands i observed for he frequently ground the palms against each other as if to squeeze them dry and warm besides often wiping them in a stealthy way on his pocket handkerchief i am well aware that i am the person going said modestly let the other be where he may my mother is likewise a very person we live in a abode master but have much to be thankful for my father s former calling was he was a what is he now i asked he is a of glory at present master said but we have much to be thankful for how much have i to be thankful for in living with mr i asked if he had been with mr long i have been with him going on four year master said shutting up his book after carefully marking the place where he had left off since a year after my father s death how much have i to be thankful for in that how much have i to be thankful for in mr s kind intention to give me my articles which would otherwise not lay within the means of mother and self then when your time is over you be a regular lawyer i suppose said i with the blessing of providence master returned perhaps you be a partner in mr s business one of these days i said to make myself agreeable and it will be and or late oh no master returned shaking his head i am much too for that he certainly did look uncommonly the carved face on the beam outside my window as he sat in his humility me sideways with his mouth and the in his cheeks mr is a most excellent man master said if you have known him long you know it i am sure much better than i can inform you i replied that i was certain he was but that i had not known him long myself though he was a friend of my aunt s the personal history and experience oh indeed master said your aunt is a sweet lady master he had a way of when he wanted to express enthusiasm which was very ugly and which diverted my attention from the compliment he had paid my relation to the of his throat and body a sweet lady master said she has a great admiration for miss master i believe i said yes boldly not that i knew anything about it heaven forgive me i hope you have too master said but i am sure you must have everybody must have i returned oh thank you master said for that remark it is so true as i am i know it is so true oh thank you master he himself quite off his stool in the excitement of his feelings and being off began to make arrangements for going home mother will be expecting me he said referring to a pale faced watch in his pocket and getting uneasy for though we are very master wc are much attached to one another if you would come and see us any afternoon and take a cup of tea at our lowly dwelling mother would be as proud of your company as i should be i said i should be glad to come thank you master returned putting his book away upon a shelf i suppose you stop here some time master i said i was going to be brought up there i believed as long as i remained at school oh indeed exclaimed i should think you would come into the business at last master i protested that i had no views of that sort and that no such scheme was entertained in my behalf by anybody but insisted on replying to all my assurances oh yes master i should think you would indeed and oh indeed master i should think you would certainly over and over again being at last ready to leave the office for the night he asked me if it would suit my convenience to have the light put out and on my answering yes instantly extinguished it after shaking hands with me his hand felt like a fish in the dark he opened the door into the street a very little and crept out and shut it leaving me to my way back into the house which cost me some trouble and a fall over his stool this was the cause i suppose of my dreaming about him for what appeared to me to be half the night and dreaming among other things that he had launched mr s house on a expedition with a black flag at the mast head bearing the inscription s practice under which he was carrying me and little em ly to the spanish main to be drowned i got a little the better of my uneasiness when i went to school next day and a good deal the better next day and so shook it off by degrees that in less than a fortnight i was quite at home and happy among my new companions i was awkward enough in their games and backward enough in their studies but custom would improve me in the first respect i hoped of david and hard work in the second accordingly i went to work very hard both in play and in earnest and gained great and in a very little while the and life became so strange to me that i hardly believed in it while my present life grew so familiar that i seemed to have been leading it a long time doctor strong s was an excellent school as different from mr s as good is from evil it was very gravely and ordered and on a sound system with an
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and the skill with which she great forces of relations against the doctor she was a little sharp eyed woman who used to wear when she was dressed one cap ornamented with some artificial flowers and two artificial supposed to be hovering above the flowers there was a superstition among us that this cap had come from france and could only in the of that ingenious nation but all i certainly know about it is that it always made its appearance of an evening mrs made her appearance that it was carried about to friendly meetings in a basket that the had the gift of trembling constantly and that they improved the shining hours at doctor strong s expense like busy bees i observed the old soldier not to adopt the name to pretty good advantage on a night which is made memorable to me by something else i shall relate it was the night of a little party at the doctor s which was given on the occasion of mr jack s departure for india whither he was going as a or something of that kind mr op david having at length arranged the business it happened to be the doctor s birthday too we had had a holiday had made presents to him in the morning had made a speech to him through the head boy and had cheered him until we were hoarse and until he had shed tears and now in the evening mr and i went to have tea with him in his private capacity mr jack was there before us mrs strong dressed in white with cherry colored ribbons was playing the piano when we went in and he was leaning over her to turn the leaves the clear red and white of her complexion was not so blooming and flower like as usual i thought when she turned round but she looked very pretty wonderfully pretty i have forgotten doctor said mrs strong s when we were seated to pay you the compliments of the day though they are as you may suppose very far from being mere compliments in my case allow me to wish you many happy returns i thank you ma am replied the doctor many many many happy returns said the old soldier not only for your own sake but for s and john s and many other it seems but yesterday to me john when you were a little creature a head shorter than master making baby love to behind the bushes in the back garden my dear said mrs strong never mind that now don t be absurd returned her mother if you are to blush to hear of such things now you are an old married woman when are you not to blush to hear of them old exclaimed mi jack come yes john returned the soldier an old married woman although not old by years for when did you ever hear me say or who has ever heard me say that a girl of twenty was old by years your cousin is the wife of the doctor and as such what i have described her it is well for you john that your cousin is the wife of the doctor you have found in him an influential and kind friend who will be kinder yet i venture to if you deserve it i have no false pride i never hesitate to admit frankly that there are some members of our family who want a friend you were one yourself before your cousin s influence raised up one for you the doctor in the goodness of his heart waved his hand as if to make light of it and save mr jack from any further but mrs changed her chair for one next the doctor s and putting her fan on his coat sleeve said no really my dear doctor you must excuse me if i appear to dwell on this rather because i feel so very strongly i call it quite my it is such a subject of mine you are a blessing to us you really are a boon you know nonsense nonsense said the doctor no no i beg your pardon retorted the old soldier with nobody present but our dear and confidential friend mr i cannot consent to be put down i shall begin to assert the privileges of a mother in law if you go on like that and you i am perfectly honest and what i am saying is what i said when you first overpowered me with surprise you remember how surprised i was by proposing for that there was anything so very much out of the way in the mere the personal history and experience fact of the proposal it would be ridiculous to say that but because you having known her poor father and having known her from a baby six months old i hadn t thought of you in such a light at all or indeed as a marrying man in any way simply that you know aye aye returned the doctor good never mind but i do mind said the old soldier laying her fan upon his lips i mind very much i these things that i may be contradicted if i am wrong well then i spoke to and i told her what had happened i said my dear here s doctor strong has positively been and made you the subject of a handsome declaration and an offer did i press it in the least no i said now tell me the truth this moment is your heart free she said crying i am extremely young which was perfectly true and i hardly know if i have a heart at all then my dear i said you may rely upon it it s free at all events my love said i doctor
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strong is in an agitated state of mind and must be answered he cannot be kept in his present state of suspense said still crying would he be unhappy without me if he would i honor and respect him so much that i think i will have him so it was settled and then and not till then i said to doctor strong will not only be your husband but he will represent your late father he will represent the head of our family he will represent the wisdom and station and i may say the means of our family and will be in short a boon to it i used the word at the time and i have used it again to day is i have any merit it is the daughter had sat quite silent and still during this speech with her eyes fixed on the ground her cousin standing near her and looking on the ground too she now said very softly in a trembling voice i hope you have finished no my dear returned the soldier i have not quite finished since you ask me my love i reply that i have not i complain that you really are a little unnatural towards your own family and as it is of no use complaining to you i mean to complain to your husband now my dear doctor do look at that silly wife of yours as the doctor turned his kind face with its smile of simplicity and gentleness towards her she drooped her head more i noticed that mr looked at her steadily when i happened to say to that naughty thing the other day pursued her mother shaking her head and her fan at her that there was a family circumstance she might mention to you indeed i think was bound to mention she said that to mention it was to ask a favor and that as you were too generous and as for her to ask was always to have she wouldn t my dear said the doctor that was wrong it robbed me of a pleasure almost the very words i said to her exclaimed her mother now really another time when i know what she would tell you but for reason and won t i have a great mind my dear doctor to tell you myself i shall be glad if vou will returned the doctor shall i op david certainly well then i will said the old soldier that s a bargain and having i suppose carried her point she tapped the doctor s hand several times with her fan which she kissed first and returned triumphantly to her former station some more company coming in among whom were the two masters and the talk became general and it naturally turned on mr jack and his voyage and the country he was going to and his various plans and prospects he was to leave that night after supper in a for where the ship in which he was to make the voyage lay and was to be gone unless he came home on leave or for his health i don t know how many years i recollect it was settled by general consent that india was quite a country and had nothing objectionable in it but a tiger or two and a little heat in the warm part of the day for my own part i looked on mr jack as a modern and pictured him the bosom friend of all the in the east sitting under smoking curly golden pipes a mile long if they could be straightened out mrs strong was a very pretty singer as i knew who often heard her singing by herself but whether she was afraid of singing before people or was out of voice that evening it was certain that she couldn t sing at all she tried a once with her cousin but could not so much as begin and afterwards when she tried to sing by herself although she began sweetly her voice died away on a sudden and left her quite distressed with her head hanging down over the keys the good doctor said she was nervous and to relieve her proposed a round game at cards of which he knew as much as of the art of playing the but i remarked that the old soldier took him into directly for her partner and instructed him as the first of to give her all the silver he had in his pocket we had a merry game not made the less merry by the doctor s mistakes of which he committed an innumerable quantity in spite of the of the and to their great mrs strong had declined to play on the ground of not feeling very well and her cousin had excused himself because he had some packing to do when he had done it however he returned and they sat together talking on the sofa from time to time she came and looked over the doctor s hand and told him what to play she was very pale as she bent over him and i thought her finger trembled as she pointed out the cards but the doctor was quite happy in her attention and took no notice of this if it were so at supper we were hardly so gay every one appeared to feel that parting of that sort was an awkward thing and that the nearer it approached the more awkward it was mr jack tried to be very but was not at his ease and made matters worse and they were not improved as it appeared to me by the old soldier who continually recalled passages of mr jack s youth the doctor however who felt i am sure that he was making everybody happy was well pleased and had no suspicion but that we were all at the
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utmost height of enjoyment my dear said he looking at his watch and filling his the personal history and experience glass it is past your cousin jack s time and we must not detain him since time and tide both concerned in this case wait for no man mr jack you have a long voyage and a strange country before you but many men have had both and many men will have both to the end of time the winds you are going to tempt have thousands upon thousands to fortune and brought thousands upon thousands happily back it s an affecting thing said mrs however it s viewed it s affecting to see a fine young man one has known from an infant going away to the other end of the world leaving all he knows behind and not knowing what s before him a young man really well deserves constant support and patronage looking at the doctor who makes such sacrifices time will go fast with you mr jack pursued the doctor and fast with all of us some of us can hardly expect perhaps in the natural course of things to greet you on your return the next best thing is to hope to do it and that s my case i shall not weary you with good advice you have long had a good model before you in your cousin imitate her virtues as nearly as you can mrs herself and shook her head farewell mr jack said the doctor standing up on which we all stood up a prosperous voyage out a career abroad and a happy return home we all drank the toast and all shook hands with mr jack after which he hastily took leave of the ladies who were there and hurried to the door where he was received as he got into the chaise with a tremendous of cheers discharged by our boys who had assembled on the lawn for the purpose in among them to swell the ranks i was very near the chaise when it rolled away and i had a lively impression made upon me in the midst of the noise and dust of having seen mr jack rattle past with an agitated face and something cherry colored in his hand after another for the doctor and another for the doctor s wife the boys dispersed and i went back into the house where i found the guests all standing in a group about the doctor discussing how mr jack had gone away and how he had borne it and how he had felt it and all the rest of it in the midst of these remarks mrs cried where s no was there and when they called to her no replied but all pressing out of the room in a crowd to see what was the matter we found her lying on the hall floor there was great alarm at first until it was found that she was in a and that the was yielding to the usual means of recovery when the doctor who had lifted her head upon his knee put her curls aside with his hand and said looking around poor she s so faithful and tender hearted it s the parting from her old and friend her favorite cousin that has done this ah it s a pity i am very sorry when she opened her eyes and saw where she was and that we were all standing about her she arose with assistance turning her head as she did so to lay it on the doctor s shoulder or to hide it i don t know which we went into the drawing room to leave her with the doctor and her mother but she said it seemed that she was better than y fr ms jo op david she had been since morning and that she would rather be brought among us so they brought her in looking very white and weak i thought and sat her on a sofa my dear said her mother doing something to her dress see here you have lost a bow will anybody be so good as find a ribbon a cherry colored ribbon it was the one she had worn at her bosom we all looked for it i myself looked everywhere i am certain but nobody could find it do you recollect where you had it last said her mother i wondered how i could have thought she looked white or anything but burning red when she answered that she had had it safe a little while ago she thought but it was not worth looking for nevertheless it was looked for again and still not found she entreated that there might be no more searching but it was still sought for in a way until she was quite well and the company took their departure we walked very slowly home mr and i and i admiring the moonlight and mr scarcely raising his eyes from the ground when we at last reached our own door discovered that she had left her little behind delighted to be of any service to her i ran back to fetch it i went into the supper room where it had been left which was deserted and dark but a door of communication between that and the doctor s study where there was a light being open i passed on there to say what i wanted and to get a candle the doctor was sitting in his easy chair by the fireside and his young wife was on a stool at his feet the doctor with a complacent smile was reading aloud some manuscript explanation or statement of a theory out of that interminable dictionary and she was looking up at him but with such a face as i never saw it was so beautiful in its form
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it was so pale it was so fixed in its abstraction it was so full of a wild dreamy horror of i don t know what the eyes were wide open and her brown hair fell in two rich clusters on her shoulders and on her white dress disordered by the want of the lost ribbon distinctly as i recollect her look i cannot say of what it was expressive i cannot even say of what it is expressive to me now rising again before my older judgment humiliation shame pride love and i see them all and in them all i see that horror of i don t know what my entrance and my saying what i wanted roused her it disturbed the doctor too for when i went back to replace the candle i had taken from the table he was patting her head in his way and saying he was a merciless to let her tempt him into reading on and he would have her go to bed but she asked him in a rapid urgent manner to let her stay to let her feel assured i heard her murmur some broken words to this effect that she was in his confidence that night and as she turned again towards him after glancing at me as i left the room and went out at the door i saw her cross her hands upon his knee and look up at him with the same face something as he resumed his reading it made a great impression on me and i remembered it a long time afterwards as i shall have occasion to when the time comes the personal history and experience chapter xvii somebody turns up it has not occurred to me to mention since i ran away but of course i wrote her a letter almost as soon as i was at and another and a longer letter containing all particulars fully related when my aunt took me formally under her protection on my being settled at doctor strong s i wrote to her again my happy condition and prospects i never could have derived anything like the pleasure from spending the money mr dick had given me that i felt in sending a gold half guinea to per post in this last letter to discharge the sum i had borrowed of her in which not before i mentioned about the young man with the donkey cart to these communications replied as promptly if not as as a merchant s clerk her utmost powers of expression which were certainly not great in ink were exhausted in the attempt to write what she felt on the subject of my journey four sides of and of sentences that had no end except were inadequate to afford her any relief but the were more expressive to me than the best composition for they showed me that had been crying all over the paper and what could i have desired more i made out without much difficulty that she could not take quite kindly to my aunt yet the notice was too short after so long a the other way we never knew a person she wrote but to think that miss should seem to be so different from what she had been thought to be was a moral that was her word she was evidently still afraid of miss for she sent her grateful duty to her but timidly and she was evidently afraid of me too and entertained the probability of my running away again soon if i might judge from the repeated hints she threw out that the coach fare to was always to be had of her for the asking she gave me one piece of intelligence which affected me very much namely that there had been a sale of the furniture at our old home and that mr and miss were gone away and the house was shut up to be let or sold god knows i had had no part in it while they remained there but it pained me to think of the dear old place as altogether abandoned of the weeds growing tall in the garden and the fallen leaves lying thick and wet upon the paths i imagined how the winds of winter would howl round it how the cold rain would beat upon the window glass how the moon would make ghosts on the walls of the empty rooms watching their solitude all night i thought afresh of the grave in the churchyard underneath the tree and it seemed as if the house were dead too now and all connected with my father and mother were faded away there was no other news in s letters mr was an excellent husband she said though still a little near but we all had our of david faults and she had plenty though i am sure i don t know what they were and he sent his duty and my little bedroom was always ready for me mr was well and ham v as well and mrs was but poorly and little em ly wouldn t send her love but said that might send it if she all this intelligence i imparted to my aunt only to myself the mention of little em ly to whom i instinctively felt that she would not very tenderly incline while i was yet new at doctor strong s she made several excursions over to to see me and always at hours with the view i suppose of taking me by surprise but finding me well employed and bearing a good character and hearing on all hands that i rose fast in the school she soon these visits i saw her on a saturday every third or fourth week when i went over to for a treat and i saw mr dick every alternate wednesday when he arrived by stage at noon to stay
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until next morning on these occasions mr dick never travelled without a containing a supply of and the memorial in relation to which document he had a notion that time was beginning to press now and that it really must be got out of hand mr dick was very partial to to render his visits the more agreeable my aunt had instructed me to open a credit for him at a cake shop which was with the that he should not be served with more than one shilling s worth in the course of any one day this and the reference of all his little bills at the county inn where he slept to my aunt before they were paid induced me to suspect that he was only allowed to rattle his money and not to spend it i found on further investigation that this was so or at least there was an agreement between him and my aunt that he should account to her for all his as he had no idea of deceiving her and always desired to please her he was thus made of into expense on this point as well as on all other possible points mr dick was convinced that my aunt was the wisest and most wonderful of women as he repeatedly told me with infinite and always in a whisper said mr dick with an air of mystery after this confidence to me one wednesday who s the man that hides near our house and her my aunt sir mr dick nodded i thought nothing would have frightened her he said for she s here he whispered softly don t mention it the wisest and most wonderful of women having said which he drew back to observe the effect which this description of her made upon me the first time he came said mr dick was let me see sixteen hundred and forty nine was the date of king charles s execution i think you said sixteen hundred and forty nine yes sir i don t know how it can be said mr dick sorely puzzled and shaking his head i don t think i am as old as that was it in that year that the man appeared sir i asked why really said mr dick i don t see how it can have been in that year did you get that date out of history yes sir n the personal and experience i suppose history never does it said mr dick with a gleam of hope oh dear no sir i replied most i was and young and i thought so i can t make it out said mr dick shaking his head there s something wrong somewhere however it was very soon after the mistake was made of putting some of the trouble out of king charles s head into my head that the man first came i was walking out with miss after tea just at dark and there he was close to our house walking about i inquired walking about repeated mr dick let me see i must recollect a bit n no no he was not walking about i asked as the shortest way to get at it what he was doing well he wasn t there at all said mr dick until he came up behind her and whispered then she turned round and fainted and i stood still and looked at him and he walked away but that he should have been hiding ever since in the ground or somewhere is the most extraordinary thing has he been hiding ever since i asked to be sure he has retorted mr dick nodding his head gravely never came out till last night we were walking last night and he came up behind her again and i knew him again and did he frighten my aunt again all of a shiver said mr dick that affection and making his teeth chatter held by the cried but come here getting me close to him that he might whisper very softly why did she give him money boy in the moonlight he was a beggar perhaps mr dick shook his head as utterly the suggestion and having replied a great many times and with great confidence no beggar no beggar no beggar sir went on to say that from his window he had afterwards and late at night seen my aunt give this person money outside the garden rails in the moonlight who then away into the ground again as he thought probable and was seen no more while my aunt came hurriedly and secretly back into the house and had even that morning been quite different from her usual self which on mr dick s mind i had not the least belief in the outset of this story that the unknown was anything but a delusion of mr dick s and one of the line of that ill fated prince who occasioned him so much difficulty but after some reflection i began to entertain the question whether an attempt or threat of an attempt might have been twice made to take poor mr dick himself from under my aunt s protection and whether my aunt the strength of whose kind feeling towards him i knew from herself might have been induced to pay a price for his peace and quiet as i was already much attached to mr dick and very for his welfare my fears favored this supposition and for a long time his wednesday hardly ever came round without my entertaining a that he would not be on the as usual there he always appeared however grey headed laughing and happy and he never had anything more to tell of the man who could frighten my aunt these were the happiest days of mr dick s they were far from being the least happy of mine he soon became
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known to every of david boy in the school aud though he never took an active part in any game but flying was as deeply interested in all our sports as any one among us how often have i seen him intent upon a match at or looking on with a face of unutterable interest and hardly breathing at the critical times how often at hare and hounds have i seen him mounted on a little cheering the whole field on to action and waving his hat above his grey head of king charles the martyr s head and all belonging to it how many a summer hour have i known to be but minutes to him in the field how many winter days have i seen him standing blue in the snow and east wind looking at the boys going the long and clapping his gloves in rapture he was an universal favorite and his ingenuity in little things was he could cut into such devices as none of us had an idea of he could make a boat out of anything from a upwards he could turn into fashion from old court cards make wheels out of cotton and of old wire but he was greatest of all perhaps in the articles of string and straw with which we were all persuaded he could do anything that could be done by hands mr dick s renown was not long confined to us after a few doctor strong himself made some inquiries of me about him and i told him all my aunt had told me which interested the doctor so much that he requested on the occasion of his next visit to be presented to him this ceremony i performed and the doctor begging mr dick he should not find me at the coach office to come on there and rest himself until our morning s work was over it soon passed into a custom for mr dick to come on as a matter of course and if we were a little late as often happened on a wednesday to walk about the waiting for me here he made the acquaintance of the doctor s beautiful young wife paler than formerly all this time more rarely seen by me or any one i think and not so gay but not less beautiful and so became more and more familiar by degrees until at last he would come into the school and wait he always sat in a particular corner on a particular stool which was called dick after him here he would sit with his grey head bent forward attentively listening to whatever might be going on with a profound veneration for the learning he had never been able to acquire this veneration mr dick extended to the doctor whom he thought the most subtle and accomplished philosopher of any age it was long before mr dick ever spoke to him otherwise than bare headed and even when he and the doctor had struck up quite a friendship and would walk together by the hour on that side of the which was known among us as the doctor s walk mr dick would pull off his hat at intervals to show his respect for wisdom and knowledge how it ever came about that the doctor began to read out scraps of the famous dictionary in these walks i never knew perhaps he felt it all the same at first as reading to himself however it passed into a custom too and mr dick listening with a face shining with pride and pleasure in his heart of hearts believed the dictionary to be the most delightful book in the world as i think of them going up and down before those school room windows the doctor reading with his complacent smile an occasional n the personal history and experience flourish of the manuscript or grave motion of his head and mr dick listening by interest with his poor wits calmly wandering god knows where upon the wings of hard words i think of it as one of the things in a quiet way that i have ever seen i feel as if they might go walking to and fro for ever and the world might somehow be the better for it as if a thousand things it makes a noise about were not one half so good for it or me was one of mr dick s friends very soon and in often coming to the house he made acquaintance with the friendship between himself and me increased continually and it was maintained on this odd footing that while mr dick came to look after me as my guardian he always consulted me in any little matter of doubt that arose and invariably guided himself by my advice not only having a high respect for my native sagacity but considering that i inherited a good deal from my aunt one thursday morning when i was about to walk with mr dick from the hotel to the coach office before going back to school for we had an hour s school before breakfast in the street who of the made to himself and his mother adding with t expect you to keep it master we re so very i really had not yet been able to make up my mind whether i liked or detested him and i was very doubtful about it still as i stood looking him in the face in the street but i felt it quite an to be supposed proud and said i only wanted to be asked oh if that s all master said and it really isn t our that prevents you will you come this evening but if it is our i hope you won t mind to it master for we are well aware of our condition i said i would mention it to mr and if he
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i blush to think of the more especially as in my frankness i took some credit to myself for being so confidential and felt that i was quite the patron of my two respectful they were very fond of one another that was certain i take it that had its effect upon me as a touch of nature but the skill with which the one followed up whatever the other said was a touch of art which i was still less proof against when there was nothing more to be got out of me about myself for on the and life and on my journey i was dumb they began about mr and threw the ball to mrs mrs caught it and threw it back to kept it up a while then sent it back to mrs and so they went on tossing it about until i had no idea who had got it and was quite bewildered the ball itself was always changing too now it was mr now now the excellence of mr now my admiration of now the extent of mr s business and resources now our domestic life after dinner now the wine that mr took the reason why he took it and the pity that it was he took so much now one thing now another then everything at once and all the time without appearing to speak very often or to do anything but sometimes encourage them a little for fear they should be overcome by their humility and the honor of my company i found myself perpetually letting out something or other that i had no business to let out and seeing the effect of it in the twinkling of s nostrils i had begun to be a little uncomfortable and to wish myself well out of the visit when a figure coming down the street passed the door it stood open to air the room which was warm the weather being close for the time of year came back again looked in and walked in exclaiming loudly is it possible it was mr it was mr with his eye glass and his walking stick and his shirt collar and his genteel air and the roll in his voice all complete my dear said mr putting out his hand this is indeed a meeting which is calculated to impress the mind with a sense of the and uncertainty of all human in short it is a most extraordinary meeting walking along the street reflecting upon the probability of something turning up of which i am at present rather v w of david sanguine i find a young but valued friend turn up who is connected with the most period of my life i may say with the turning point of my existence my dear fellow how do you do i cannot say i really cannot say that i was glad to see mr there but i was glad to see him too and shook hands with him heartily inquiring how mrs was thank you said mr waving his hand as of old and settling his chin in his shirt collar she is tolerably the no longer derive their from nature s in short said mr in one of his bursts of confidence they are and mrs is at present my travelling companion she will be rejoiced to renew her acquaintance with one who has proved himself in all respects a worthy minister at the sacred altar of friendship i said i should be delighted to see her you are very good said mr mr then smiled settled his chin again and looked about him i have discovered my friend said mr and without addressing himself particularly to any one not in but of a social meal in company with a widow lady and one who is apparently her offspring in short said mr in another of his bursts of confidence her son i shall esteem it an honor to be presented i could do no less under these circumstances than make mr known to and his mother which i accordingly did as they themselves before him mr took a seat and waved his hand in his most manner any friend of my friend s said mr has a personal claim upon myself we are too sir said mrs my son and me to be the friends of master he has been so good as take his tea with us and we are thankful to him for his company also to you sir for your notice ma am returned mr with a bow you are very obliging and what are you doing still in the wine trade i was excessively anxious to get mr away and replied with my hat in my hand and a very red face i have no doubt that i was a pupil at doctor strong s a pupil said mr raising his eyebrows i am extremely happy to hear it although a mind hke my friend s to and mrs does not require that cultivation which without his knowledge of men and things it would require still it is a rich soil with latent vegetation in short said mr smiling in another burst of confidence it is an intellect capable of getting up the to any extent with his long hands slowly over one another made a ghastly from the waist upwards to express his in this estimation of me shall we go and see mrs sir i said to get mr away if you will do her that favor replied mr rising i have no scruple in saying in the presence of our friends here that i am a man who has for some years against the pressure the personal history and experience of pecuniary difficulties i knew he was certain to say something of this kind he always would be so about his difficulties sometimes i
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our pecuniary obligations at this hotel until the arrival of that said mrs with much feeling i am cut off from my home i allude to lodgings from my boy and girl and from my i felt the utmost sympathy for mr and mrs in this anxious extremity and said as much to mr who now returned adding that i only wished i had money enough to lend them the amount they needed mr s answer expressed the disturbance of his mind he said shaking hands with me you are a true friend but when the worst comes to the worst no man is without a friend the personal history and experience who is possessed of materials at this dreadful hint mrs threw her arms round mr s neck and entreated him to be calm he wept but so far recovered almost immediately as to ring the bell for the waiter and a hot and a plate of for breakfast in the morning when i took my leave of them they both pressed me so much to come and dine before they went away that i could not refuse but as i knew i could not come next day when i should have a good deal to prepare in the evening mr arranged that he would call at doctor strong s in the course of the morning having a that the would arrive by that post and propose the day after if it would suit me better accordingly i was called out of school next and found mr in the parlor who had called to say that the dinner would take place as proposed when i asked him if the had come he pressed my hand and departed as i was looking out of window that same evening it surprised me and made me rather uneasy to see mr and walk past arm in arm humbly sensible of the honor that was done him and mr taking a bland delight in extending his patronage to but i was still more surprised when i went to the little hotel next day at the appointed dinner hour v hich was four o clock to find from what mr said that he had gone home with and had drunk brandy and water at mrs s and i tell you what my dear said mr your friend is a young fellow who might be attorney general if i had known that young man at the period when my difficulties came to a crisis all i can say is that i believe my would have been a great deal better managed than they were i hardly understood how this could have been seeing that mr had paid them nothing at all as it was but i did not like to ask neither did i like to say that i hoped he had not been too to or to inquire if they had talked much about me i was afraid of mr s feelings or at all events mrs s she being very sensitive but i was uncomfortable about it too and often thought about it afterwards we had a beautiful little dinner quite an elegant dish of fish the end of a of meat a and a there was wine and there was strong ale and after dinner mrs made us a bowl of hot punch with her own hands mr was uncommonly i never saw him such good company he made his face shine with the punch so that it looked as if it had been all over he got cheerfully sentimental about the town and proposed success to it observing that mrs and himself had been made extremely snug and comfortable there and that he never should forget the agreeable hours they had passed in he proposed me afterwards and he and mrs and i took a review of our past acquaintance in the course of which we sold the property all over again then i proposed mrs or at least said modestly if you allow me mrs i shall now have the pleasure of drinking your health ma am on which mr delivered an on mrs s character and said she had ever been his of david guide philosopher and friend and that he would recommend me when i came to a marrying time of life to marry such another woman if such another woman could be found as the punch disappeared mr became still more friendly and mrs s spirits becoming elevated too we sang when we came to here s a hand my we all joined hands round the table and when we declared we would take a right and hadn t the least idea what it meant we were really affected in a word i never saw any body so thoroughly jovial as mr was down to the very last moment of the evening when i took a hearty farewell of himself and his amiable wife consequently i was not prepared at seven o clock next morning to receive the following communication dated half past nine in the evening a quarter of an hour after i had left him my young the die is cast all is over hiding the of care with a sickly mask of mirth i have not informed you this evening that there is no hope of the under these circumstances alike humiliating to endure humiliating to contemplate and humiliating to relate i have discharged the pecuniary contracted at this establishment by giving a note of hand made fourteen days after date at my residence london when it becomes due it will not be taken up the result is destruction the bolt is impending and the tree must fall let the wretched man who now addresses you my dear be a to you through life he writes with that intention and in that hope if he could think himself of so much use one gleam of day might by possibility penetrate into the cheerless
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of his remaining existence though his is at present to say the least of it extremely this is the last communication my dear you will ever receive from the outcast i was so shocked by the contents of this heart letter that i ran off directly towards the little hotel with the intention of taking it on my way to doctor strong s and trying to soothe mr with a word of comfort but half way there i met the london coach with mr and mrs up behind mi the very picture of tranquil enjoyment smiling at mrs s conversation eating out of a paper bag with a bottle sticking out of his breast pocket as they did not see me i thought it best all things considered not to see them so with a great weight taken off my mind i turned into a by street that was the nearest way to school and felt upon the whole relieved that they were gone though i still liked them very much nevertheless the personal history and experience chapter xviii a my school days the silent gliding on of my existence the unseen progress of my life from childhood up to youth let me think as i look back upon that flowing water now a dry channel overgrown with leaves whether there are any marks along its course by which i can remember how it ran a moment and i occupy my place in the cathedral where we all went together every sunday morning first at school for that purpose the smell the air the sensation of the world being shut out the of the organ through the black and white arched galleries and are wings that take me back and hold me hovering above those days in a half sleeping and half waking dream i am not the last boy in the school i have risen in a few months over several heads but the first boy seems to me a mighty creature dwelling afar off whose giddy height is says no but i say yes and tell her that she little thinks what stores of knowledge have been mastered by the wonderful being at whose place she thinks i even i weak may arrive in time he is not my private friend and patron as was but i hold him in a respect i chiefly wonder what he be when he leaves doctor strong s and what mankind will do to maintain any place against him but who is this that breaks upon me this is miss shepherd whom i love miss shepherd is a at the establishment i miss shepherd she is a little girl in a with a round face and curly hair the young ladies come to the cathedral too i cannot look upon my book for i must look upon miss shepherd when the i hear miss shepherd in the service i mentally miss shepherd s name i put her in among the family at home in my own room i am sometimes moved to cry out oh miss shepherd in a transport of love tor some time i am doubtful of miss shepherd s feelings but at length fate being we meet at the dancing school i have miss shepherd for my partner i touch miss shepherd s glove and feel a thrill go up the right arm of my jacket and come out at my hair i say nothing tender to miss shepherd but we understand each other miss shepherd and myself but to be united why do i secretly give miss shepherd twelve nuts for a present i wonder they are not expressive of affection they are to pack into a parcel of any regular shape they are hard to crack even in room doors and they are when cracked yet i feel that they are appropriate to miss shepherd soft also i bestow upon miss shepherd and innumerable once i kiss miss shepherd in the cloak room what are my agony and indignation next day when i hear a flying rumour that the have stood miss shepherd in the stocks for turning in her toes miss shepherd being the one theme and vision of my life how of david do i ever come to break with her i can t conceive and yet a coolness grows between miss shepherd and myself whispers reach me of miss shepherd having said she wished i wouldn t stare so and having a preference for master jones for jones a boy of no merit whatever the gulf between me and miss shepherd at last one day i meet the establishment out walking miss shepherd makes a face as she goes by and laughs to her companion all is over the devotion of a life it seems a life it is all the same is at an end miss shepherd comes out of the morning service and the royal family know her no more i am higher in the school and no one breaks my peace i am not at all polite now to the young ladies and shouldn t on any of them if they were twice as many and twenty times as beautiful i think the dancing school a tiresome affair and wonder why the girls can t dance by themselves and leave us alone i am growing great in latin verses and neglect the of my boots doctor strong to me in public as a promising young scholar mr dick is wild with joy and my aunt me a guinea by the next post the shade of a young butcher rises like the apparition of an armed head in who is this young butcher he is the terror of the youth of there is a vague belief abroad that the beef with which he his hair gives him unnatural strength and that he is a match for a man he is a broad faced bull young
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said i think he does himself no good by the habit that has increased upon him since i first came here he is often very nervous or i fancy so it is not fancy said shaking her head his hand his speech is not plain and his eyes look wild i have remarked that at those times and when he is least like himself he is most certain to be wanted on some business by said tes and the sense of being unfit for it or of not having understood it or of having shown his condition in spite of himself seems to make him so uneasy that next day he is worse and next day worse and so he becomes and haggard do not be alarmed by what i say but in this state i saw him only the other evening lay down his head upon his desk and shed tears like a child her hand passed softly before my lips while i was yet speaking and in a moment she had met her father at the door of the room and was hanging on his shoulder the expression of her face as they both looked towards me i felt to be very touching there was such deep fondness for him and gratitude to him for all his love and care in her beautiful look and there was such a fervent appeal to me to deal tenderly by him even in my inmost thoughts and to let no harsh construction find any place against him she was at once so proud of him and devoted to him yet so compassionate and sorry and so upon me to be so too that nothing she could have said would have expressed more to me or moved me more we were to drink tea at the doctor s we went there at the usual hour and round the study fireside found the doctor and his young wife and her mother the doctor who made as much of my going away as if i were going to china received me as an honored guest and called for a log of wood to be thrown on the fire that he might see the face of his old pupil in the blaze i shall not see many more new faces in s stead said the doctor warming his hands i am getting lazy and want ease i shall all my young people in another six months and lead a life you have said so any time these ten years doctor mr answered but now i mean to do it returned the doctor my first master will succeed me i am in earnest at last so you soon have to arrange our and to bind us firmly to them like a couple of and to take care said mr that you re not imposed on eh as you certainly would be in any contract you should make for well i am ready there are worse tasks than that in my calling i shall have nothing to think of then said the doctor with a smile but my dictionary and this other contract bargain of david as mr glanced towards her sitting at the tea table by she seemed to me to avoid his look with such unwonted hesitation and timidity that his attention became fixed upon her as if something were suggested to his thoughts there is a post come in from india i observe he said after a short silence by the by and letters from mr jack said the doctor indeed poor dear jack said mrs shaking her head that trying climate like living they tell me on a sand heap underneath a burning glass he looked strong but he wasn t my dear doctor it was his spirit not his constitution that he ventured on so boldly my dear i am sure you must perfectly recollect that your cousin never was strong not what can be called robust you know said mrs with emphasis and looking round upon us generally from the time when my daughter and himself were children together and walking about arm in arm the day thus addressed made no reply do i gather from what you say ma am that mr is ill asked mr replied the old soldier my dear sir he is all sorts of things except well said mr except well indeed said the old soldier he has had dreadful strokes of the sun no doubt and and and every kind of thing you can mention as to his liver said the old soldier that of course he gave up altogether when he first went out does he say all this asked mr say my dear sir returned mrs shaking her head and her fan you know my poor jack when you ask that question say not he you might drag him at the heels of four wild horses first said mrs strong my dear returned her mother once for all i must really beg that you will not interfere with me unless it is to confirm what i say you know as well as i do that your cousin would be dragged at the heels of any number of wild horses why should i confine myself to four i won t confine myself to four eight sixteen two and thirty rather than say anything calculated to the doctor s plans s plans said the doctor his face and looking at his adviser that is to say our joint plans for him i said myself abroad or at home and i said added mr gravely abroad i was the means of sending him abroad it s my responsibility oh said the old soldier every thing was done for the best my dear mr every thing was done for the kindest and best we know but if the dear fellow can t live there he can t
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live there and if he can t live there he die there sooner than he the doctor s plans i know him said the old soldier herself in a sort of calm prophetic agony and i know he die there sooner than he the doctor s plans a the personal history and experience well well ma am said the doctor cheerfully i am not to my plans and i can them myself i can substitute some other plans if mr jack comes home on account of ill health he must not be allowed to go back and we must endeavour to make some more suitable and fortunate provision for him in this country mrs was so overcome by this generous speech which i need not say she had not at all expected or led up to that she could only tell the doctor it was like himself and go several times through that operation of kissing the sticks of her fan and then tapping his hand with it after which she gently her daughter for not being more when such were for her sake on her old and entertained us with some particulars concerning other deserving members of her family whom it was desirable to set on their deserving legs all this time her daughter never once spoke or up her eyes all this time mr had his glance upon her as she sat by his own daughter s side it appeared to me that he never thought of being observed by any one but was so intent upon her and upon his own thoughts in with her as to be quite absorbed he now asked what mr jack had actually written in reference to himself and to whom he had written it why here said mrs taking a letter from the above the doctor s head the dear fellow says to the doctor himself where is it oh i am sorry to inform you that my health is suffering severely and that i fear i may be reduced to the necessity of returning home for a time as the only hope of restoration that s pretty plain poor fellow his only hope of restoration but s letter is still show me that letter again not now she pleaded in a low tone my dear you absolutely are on some subjects one of the most ridiculous persons in the world returned her mother and perhaps the most unnatural to the claims of your own family we never should have heard of the letter at all i believe unless i had asked for it myself do you call that confidence my love towards doctor strong i am surprised you ought to know better the letter was reluctantly produced and as i handed it to the old lady i saw how the unwilling hand from which i took it trembled now let us see said mrs putting her glass to her eye where the passage is the remembrance of old times my dearest and so forth it s not there the amiable old who s he dear me how your cousin writes and how stupid i am doctor of course ah amiable indeed here she left off to kiss her fan again and shake it at the doctor who was looking at us in a state of placid satisfaction now i have found it you may not be surprised to hear no to be sure knowing that he never was really strong what did i say just now that i have undergone so much in this distant place as to have decided to leave it at all on sick leave if i can on total resignation if that is not to be obtained what have endured and do endure here is and but for the of that best of creatures said mrs op david the doctor as before and the letter it would be to me to think of mr said not one word though the old lady looked to him as if for his on this intelligence but sat severely silent with his eyes fixed on the ground long after the subject was dismissed and other topics occupied us he remained so seldom raising his eyes unless to rest them for a moment with a thoughtful frown upon the doctor or his wife or both the doctor was very fond of music sang with great sweetness and expression and so did mrs strong they sang together and played together and we had quite a little concert but i remarked two things first that though soon recovered her composure and was quite herself there was a blank between her and mr which separated them wholly from each other secondly that mr seemed to dislike the intimacy between her and and to watch it with uneasiness and now i must confess the recollection of what i had seen on that night when mr went away first began to return upon me with a meaning it had never had and to trouble me the innocent beauty of her face was not as innocent to me as it had been i the natural grace and charm of her manner and when i looked at by her side and thought how good and true was suspicions arose within me that it was an ill friendship she was so happy in it herself however and the other was so happy too that they made the evening fly away as if it were but an hour it closed in an incident which i well remember they were taking leave of each other and was going to embrace her and kiss her when mr stepped between them as if by accident and drew quickly away then i saw as though all the intervening time had been and i were still standing in the doorway on the night of the departure the expression of that night in the face of mrs
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strong as it confronted his i cannot say what an impression this made upon me or how impossible i found it when i thought of her afterwards to separate her from this look and remember her face in its innocent loveliness again it haunted me when i got home i seemed to have left the doctor s roof with a dark cloud lowering on it the reverence that i had for his grey head was mingled with for his faith in those w r ho were treacherous to him and with resentment against those who injured him the impending shadow of a great affliction and a great disgrace that had no distinct form in it yet fell h ke a stain upon the quiet place where i had worked and played as a boy and did it a cruel wrong i had no pleasure in thinking any more of the grave old broad trees which remained shut up in themselves a hundred years together and of the trim smooth grass plot and the stone and the doctor s walk and the congenial sound of the cathedral bell hovering above them all it was as if the tranquil of my boyhood had been before my face and its peace and honor given to the winds but morning brought with it my parting from the old house which had filled with her influence and that occupied my mind sufficiently i should be there again soon no doubt i might sleep again the personal history and experience perhaps often in my old room but the days of my there were gone and the old time was past i was heavier at heart when i packed up such of my books and clothes as still remained there to be sent to than i cared to show to who was so to help me that i thought him mighty glad that i was going i got away from and her father somehow with an indifferent show of being very manly and took my seat upon the box of the london coach i was so softened and going through the town that i had half a mind to nod to my old enemy the butcher and throw him five shillings to drink but he looked such a very butcher as he stood the great block in the shop and moreover his appearance was so little improved by the loss of a front tooth which i had knocked out that i thought it best to make no advances the main object on my mind i remember when we got fairly on the road was to appear as old as possible to the coachman and to speak extremely the latter point i achieved at great personal inconvenience but i stuck to it because i felt it was a grown up sort of thing you are going through sir said the coachman yes william i said i knew him lam going to london i shall go down into afterwards shooting sir said the coachman he knew as well as i did that it was just as likely at that time of year i was going down there but i felt too i don t know i said pretending to be whether i shall take a shot or not birds is got shy i m told said so i understand said i is your county sir asked william yes i said with some importance s my county i m told the is uncommon fine down there said william i was not aware of it myself but i felt it necessary to the institutions of my county and to a familiarity with them so i shook my head as much as to say i you and the said william there s cattle a punch when he s a good un is worth his weight in gold did you ever breed any yourself sir n no i said not exactly here s a gen n behind me i pound it said william as has bred em by the gentleman spoken of was a gentleman with a very and a prominent chin who had a tall white hat on with a narrow flat brim and whose close fitting trousers seemed to button all the way up outside his legs from his boots to his his chin was cocked over the coachman s shoulder so near to me that his breath quite the back of my head and as i looked round at him he at the leaders with the eye with which he didn t in a very knowing manner ain t you said william ain t i what asked the gentleman behind bred them by y j ij r j z of david i should think so said the gentleman there ain t no sort of that i ain t bred and no sort of and is some men s fancy they re and drink to me lodging wife and children reading writing and snuff and sleep that ain t a sort of man to see sitting behind a coach box is it though said william in my ear as he handled the reins i this remark into an indication of a wish that he should have my place so i offered to resign it well if you don t mind sir said william i think it would ha more correct i have always considered this as the first fall i had in life when i my place at the coach office i had had box seat written against the entry and had given the book keeper half a crown i was got up in a special great coat and shawl expressly to do honor to that distinguished eminence had myself upon it a good deal and had felt that i was a credit to the coach and here in the very first stage i was by a shabby man with a who had no other
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merit than smelling like a livery stables and being able to walk across me more like a fly than a human being while the horses were at a a distrust of myself which has often beset me in on small occasions when it would have been better away was assuredly not stopped in its growth by this little incident outside the coach it was in vain to take refuge in of speech i spoke from the pit of my stomach for the rest of the journey but i felt completely extinguished and dreadfully young it was curious and interesting nevertheless to be sitting up there behind four horses well educated well dressed and with plenty of money in my pocket and to look out for the places where i had slept on my weary journey i had abundant occupation for my thoughts in every conspicuous on the road when i looked down at the whom we passed and saw that well remembered style of face turned up i felt as if the s blackened hand were in the bosom of my shirt again when we through the narrow street of and i caught a glimpse in passing of the lane where the old monster lived who had bought my jacket i stretched my neck eagerly to look for the place where i had sat in the sun and in the shade waiting for my money when we came at last within a stage of london and passed the veritable house where mr had laid about him with a heavy hand i would have given all i had for lawful permission to get down and him and let all the boys out like so many we went to the golden cross at cross then a sort of establishment in a close neighbourhood a waiter showed me into the coffee room and a introduced me to my small which smelt like a coach and was shut up like a family vault i was still painfully conscious of my youth for nobody stood in any awe of me at all the being utterly indifferent to my opinions on any subject and the waiter being familiar with me and offering advice to my well now said the waiter in a tone of confidence what would you like for dinner young gentlemen likes poultry in general have a fowl the personal history and experience i told him as as i could that i wasn t in the humour for a fowl ain t you said the waiter young gentlemen is generally tired of beef and mutton have a i assented to this proposal in of being able to suggest anything else do you care for said the waiter with an smile and his head on one side young gentlemen generally has been with i commanded him in my deepest voice to order a and potatoes and all things fitting and to inquire at the bar if there were any letters for which i knew there were not and couldn t be but thought it manly to appear to expect he soon came back to say that there were none at which i was much surprised and began to lay the cloth for my dinner in a box by the fire while he was so engaged he asked me what i would take with it and on my replying half a pint of thought it a favourable opportunity i am afraid to extract that measure of wine from the stale at the of several small i am of this opinion because while i was reading the newspaper i observed him behind a low wooden which was his private apartment very busy pouring out of a number of those vessels into one like a and making up a when the wine came too i thought it flat and it certainly had more english in it than were to be expected in a foreign wine in anything like a pure state but i was enough to drink it and say nothing being then in a pleasant frame of mind from which i infer that is not always disagreeable in some stages of the process i resolved to go to the play it was garden theatre that i chose and there from the back of a centre box i saw and the new to have all those noble alive before me and walking in and out for my entertainment instead of being the stern they had been at school was a most novel and delightful effect but the mingled reality and mystery of the whole show the influence upon me of the poetry the lights the music the company the smooth changes of glittering and brilliant scenery were so dazzling and opened up such regions of delight that when i came out into the rainy street at twelve o clock at night i felt as if i had come from the clouds where i had been leading a romantic for ages to a link lighted umbrella struggling muddy miserable world i had emerged by another door and stood in the street for a little while as if i really were a stranger upon earth but the pushing and that i received soon recalled me to myself and put me in the road back to the hotel whither i went revolving the glorious vision all the way and where after some porter and i sat revolving it still at past one o clock with my eyes on the coffee room fire i was so filled with the play and with the past for it was in a manner like a shining through which i saw my earlier life moving along that i don t know when the figure of a handsome well formed young op david dressed with a easy which i have reason to remember very well became a real presence to me but i recollect being conscious of ins company without having noticed his coming
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in and my still sitting musing over the coffee room fire at last i rose to go to bed much to the relief of the sleepy waiter who had got the in his legs and was twisting them and them and putting them through all kinds of in his small in going towards the door i passed the person who had come in and saw him plainly i turned directly came back and looked again he did not know me but i knew him in a moment at another time i might have wanted the confidence or the decision to speak to him and might have put it off until next day and might have lost him but in the then condition of my mind where the play was still running high his former protection of me appeared so deserving of my gratitude and my old love for him my breast so and that i went up to him at once with a fast beating heart and said won t you speak to me he looked at me just as he used to look sometimes but i saw no recognition in his face you don t remember me i am afraid said i my god he suddenly exclaimed it s little i grasped him by both hands and could not let them go but for very shame and the fear that it might him i could have held him round the neck and cried i never never never was so glad my dear i am so to see you and i am rejoiced to see you too he said shaking my hands heartily why old boy don t be overpowered and yet he was glad too i thought to see how the delight i had in meeting him affected me i brushed away the tears that my utmost resolution had not been able to keep back and i made a clumsy laugh of it and we sat down together side by side why how do you come to be here said clapping me on the shoulder i came here by the coach to day i have been adopted by an aunt down in that part of the country and have just finished my education there how do you come to be here well i am what they call an oxford man he returned that is to say i get bored to death down there and i am on my way now to my mother s you re a amiable looking fellow just what you used to be now i look at you not altered in the least i knew you immediately i said but you are more remembered he laughed as he ran his hand through the curls of his hair and said gaily yes i am on an expedition of duty my mother lives a little way out of town and the roads being in a condition and our house the personal history and experience tedious enough i remained here to night instead of going on i have not been in town half a dozen hours and those i have been and grumbling away at the play i have been at the play too said i at garden what a delightful and magnificent entertainment laughed heartily my dear young he said clapping me on the shoulder again you are a very the of the field at sunrise is not than you are i have been at garden too and there never was a more miserable business you sir this was addressed to the waiter who had been very attentive to our recognition at a distance and now came forward where have you put my friend mr said beg your pardon sir where does he sleep what s his number you know what i mean said well sir said the waiter with an air mr is at present in forty four sir and what the devil do you mean retorted by putting mr into a little over a stable why you see we wasn t aware sir returned the waiter still as mr was particular we can give mr seventy two sir if it would be preferred next you sir of course it would be preferred said and do it at once the waiter immediately withdrew to make the exchange very much amused at my having been put into forty four laughed again and clapped me on the shoulder again and invited me to breakfast with him next morning at ten o clock an invitation i was only too proud and happy to accept it being now pretty late we took our candles and went up stairs where we parted with friendly at his door and where i found my new room a great improvement on my old one it not being at all and having an immense four post in it which was quite a little landed estate here among pillows enough for six i soon fell asleep in a condition and dreamed of ancient and friendship until the early morning out of the underneath made me dream of thunder and the gods of david chapter xx s home when the tapped at my door at eight o clock and informed me that my water was outside i felt severely the having no occasion for it and blushed in my bed the suspicion that she laughed too when she said it upon my mind all the time i was dressing and gave me i was conscious a and guilty air when i passed her on the staircase as i was going down to breakfast i was so aware indeed of being younger than i could have wished that for some time i could not make up my mind to pass her at all under the circumstances of the case but hearing her there with a stood peeping out of window at king charles on horseback surrounded by a of and looking anything
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but in a rain and a dark brown fog until i was by the waiter that the gentleman was waiting for me it was not in the coffee room that i found expecting me but in a snug private apartment red and turkey where the fire burnt bright and a fine hot breakfast was set forth on a table covered with a clean cloth and a cheerful miniature of the room the fire the breakfast and all was shining in the little round mirror over the i was rather at first being so and elegant and superior to me in all respects age included but his easy patronage soon put that to rights and made me quite at home i could not enough admire the change he had wrought in the golden cross or compare the dull forlorn state i had held yesterday with this morning s comfort and this morning s entertainment as to the waiter s familiarity it was as if it had never been he attended on us as i may say in and ashes now said when we were alone i should like to hear what you are doing and where you are going and all about you i feel as if you were my property glowing with pleasure to find that he had still this interest in me i told him how my aunt had proposed the little expedition that i had before me and whither it tended as you are in no hurry then said come home with me to and stay a day or two you will be pleased with my mother she is a little vain and about me but that you can forgive her and she will be pleased with you i should hke to be as sure of that as you are kind enough to say you are i answered smiling oh said every one who likes me has a claim on her that is sure to be acknowledged then i think i shall be a favorite said i good said come and prove it we will go and see the personal history and experience he lions for an hour or two it s something to have a fresh fellow like you to show them to and then we journey out to by the coach i could hardly believe but that i was in a dream and that i should wake presently in number forty four to the solitary box in the and the familiar waiter again after i had written to my aunt and told her of my fortunate meeting with my admired old and my acceptance of his invitation we went out in a and saw a and some other sights and took a walk through the museum where i could not help observing how much knew on an infinite variety of subjects and of how little account he seemed to make his knowledge you ll take a high degree at college said i if you have not done so already and they will have good reason to be proud of you i take a degree cried not i my dear will you mind my calling you not at all said i that s a good fellow my dear said laughing i have not the least desire or intention to distinguish myself in that way i have done quite sufficient for my purpose i find that i am heavy company enough for myself as i am but the fame i was beginning you romantic said laughing still more heartily why should i trouble myself that a parcel of heavy headed fellows may and hold up their hands let them do it at some other man there s fame for him and he s welcome to it i was abashed at having made so great a mistake and was glad to change the subject fortunately it was not difficult to do for could always pass from one subject to another with a carelessness and lightness that were his own lunch succeeded to our sight seeing and the short winter day wore away so fast that it was dusk when the stage coach stopped with us at an old brick house at on the summit of the hill an elderly lady though not very far advanced in years with a proud carriage and a handsome face was in the doorway as we alighted and greeting as my dearest james folded him in her arms to this lady he presented me as his mother and she gave me a stately welcome it was a genteel old fashioned house very quiet and orderly from the windows of my room i saw all london lying in the distance like a great with here and there some lights twinkling through it i had only time in dressing to glance at the solid furniture the framed pieces of work done i supposed by s mother when she was a girl and some pictures in of ladies with powdered hair and coming and going on the walls as the newly kindled fire and when i was called to dinner there was a second lady in the dining room of a slight short figure dark and not agreeable to look at but with some appearance of good looks too who attracted my attention perhaps because i had not expected to see her perhaps because i found myself sitting opposite to her perhaps op david because of something really remarkable in her she had black hair and eager black eyes and was thin and had a upon her lip it was an old i should rather call it for it was not and had healed years ago which had once cut through her mouth downward towards the chin but was now barely visible across the table except above and on her upper lip the shape of which it had altered i concluded in my own mind that she was about
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thirty years of age and that she wished to be married she was a little hke a house with having been so long to let yet had as i have said an appearance of good looks her seemed to be the effect of some wasting fire within her which found a vent in her gaunt eyes she was introduced as miss and both and his mother called her i found that she there and had been for a long time mrs s companion it appeared to me that she never said anything she wanted to say outright but hinted it and made a great deal more of it by this practice tor example when mrs observed more in jest than earnest that she feared her son led but a wild life at college miss put in thus oh really you know how ignorant i am and that i only ask for information but isn t it always so i thought that kind of hfe was on all hands understood to be eh it is education for a very grave profession if you mean that mrs answered with some coldness oh yes that s veiy true returned miss but isn t it though i want to be put right if i am wrong isn t it really what said mrs oh you mean it s not returned miss well i m very glad to hear it now i know what to do that s the advantage of asking i shall never allow people to talk before me about and and so forth in connection with that life any more and you will be right said mrs my son s is a conscientious gentleman and if i had not reliance on my son i should have reliance on him should you said miss dear me conscientious is he conscientious now yes i am convinced of it said mrs how very nice exclaimed miss what a comfort conscientious then he s not but of course he can t be if he s really conscientious well i shall be quite happy in my opinion of him from this time you can t think how it him in my opinion to know for certain that he s really conscientious her own views of every question and her of everything that was said to which she was opposed miss in the same way sometimes i could not conceal from myself with great power though in contradiction even of an instance happened before dinner was done mrs speaking to me about my intention of going down into i said at hazard how glad i should be if would only go there with me and explaining to him that i was going to see my old nurse and mr s family i reminded him of the whom he had seen at school the personal history and experience oh that bluff fellow said he had a son with him hadn t he no that was his nephew i replied whom he adopted though as a son he has a very pretty little niece too whom he adopted as a daughter in short his house or rather his boat for he lives in one on dry land is full of people who are objects of his generosity and kindness you would be delighted to see that household should i said well i think i should i must see what can be done it would be worth a journey not to mention the pleasure of a journey with you to see that sort of people together and to make one of em my heart leaped with a new hope of pleasure but it was in reference to the tone in which he had spoken of that sort of people that miss whose sparkling eyes had been watchful of us now broke in again oh but really do tell me are they though she said are they what and are who what said that sort of people are they really animals and and beings of another order i want to know so much why there s a pretty wide separation between them and us said with indifference they are not to be expected to be as sensitive as we are their delicacy is not to be shocked or hurt very easily they are wonderfully virtuous i dare say some people contend for that at least and i am sure i don t want to contradict them but they have not very fine natures and they may be thankful that like their coarse rough skins they are not easily wounded really said miss well i don t know now when i have been better pleased than to hear that it s so it s such a delight to know that when they suffer they don t feel sometimes i have been quite uneasy for that sort of people but now i shall just dismiss the idea of them altogether live and learn i had my doubts i confess but now they re cleared up i didn t know and now i do know and that shows the advantage of asking don t it i believed that had said what he had in jest or to draw miss out and i expected him to say as much when she was gone and we two were sitting before the fire but he merely asked me what i thought of her she is very clever is she not i asked clever she brings everything to a said and it as she has sharpened her own face and figure these years past she has worn herself away by constant she is all edge what a remarkable that is upon her up i said s face fell and he paused a moment why the fact is he returned i did that by an unfortunate accident no i was a young boy and she exasperated me
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and i threw a hammer at her a promising young angel i must have been i was deeply sorry to have touched on such a painful theme but that was useless now of david she has borne the mark ever since as you see said and she bear it to her grave if she ever rests in one though i can hardly believe she will ever rest anywhere she was the child of a sort of cousin of my father s he died one day my mother who was then a widow brought her here to be company to her she has a couple of thousand pounds of her own and the interest of it every year to add to the principal there s the history of miss for you and i have no doubt she loves you like a brother said i retorted looking at the fire some brothers are not loved over much and some love but help yourself we drink the of the field in compliment to you and the lilies of the valley that toil not neither do they spin in compliment to me the more shame for me a moody smile that had his features cleared off as he said this merrily and he was his own frank winning self again i could not help glancing at the with a painful interest when we went in to tea it was not long before i observed that it was the most susceptible part of her face and that when she turned pale that mark altered first and became a dull lead colored streak out to its full extent like a mark in invisible ink brought to the fire there was a little between her and about a cast of the at when i thought her for one moment in a storm of rage and then i saw it start forth like the old writing on the wall it was no matter of wonder to me to find mrs devoted to her son she seemed to be able to speak or think about nothing else she showed me his picture as an infant in a with some of his baby hair in it she showed me his picture as he had been when i first knew him and she wore at her breast his picture as he was now all the letters he had ever written to her she kept in a cabinet near her own chair by the fire and she would have read me some of them and i should have been very glad to hear them too if he had not interposed and her out of the design it was at mr s my son tells me that you first became acquainted said mrs as she and i were talking at one table while they played at another indeed i recollect his speaking at that time of a pupil younger than himself who had taken his fancy there but your name as you may suppose has not lived in my memory he was very generous and noble to me in those days i assure you ma am said i and i stood in need of such a friend should have been quite crushed without him he is always generous and noble said mrs proudly i to this with all my heart god knows she knew i did for the of her manner already towards me except when she spoke in praise of him and then her air was always lofty it was not a fit school generally for my son said she far from it but there were particular circumstances to be considered at the time of more importance even than that selection my son s high spirit made it desirable that he should be placed with some man who felt its superiority and would be content to bow himself before it and we found such a man there the personal history and experience i knew that knowing the fellow and yet i did not despise him the more for it but thought it a quality in him if he could be allowed any grace for not resisting one so irresistible as my son s great capacity was tempted on there by a feeling of voluntary and conscious pride the fond lady went on to say he would have risen against all but he found himself the monarch of the place and he determined to be worthy of his station it was like himself i echoed with all my heart and soul that it was like himself so my son took of his own will and on no to the course in which he can always when it is his pleasure every she pursued my son me mr that you were quite devoted to him and that when you met yesterday you made yourself known to him with tears of joy i should be an affected woman if i made any pretence of being surprised by my son s inspiring such emotions but i cannot be indifferent to any one who is so sensible of his merit and i am very glad to see you here and can assure you that he feels an unusual friendship for you and that you may rely on his protection miss as eagerly as she did everything else if i had seen her first at the board i should have fancied that her figure had got thin and her eyes had got large over that pursuit and no other in the world but i am very much mistaken if she missed a word of this or lost a look of mine as i received it with the utmost pleasure and honored by mrs s confidence felt older than i had done since i left when the evening was pretty far spent and a tray of glasses and came in promised over the fire that he would seriously think of going down into
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the country with me there was no hurry he said a week hence would do and his mother said the same while we were talking he more than once called me which brought miss out again but really mr she asked is it a nick name and why does he give it you is it eh because he thinks you young and innocent i am so stupid in these things i colored in replying that i believed it was oh said miss now i am glad to know that i ask for information and i am glad to know it he thinks you young and innocent and so you are his friend well that s quite delightful she went to bed soon after this and mrs retired too and i after lingering for half an hour over the fire talking about and all the rest of them at old house went up stairs together s room was next to mine and i went in to look at it it was a picture of comfort full of easy chairs cushions and worked by his mother s hand and with no sort of thing omitted that could help to render it complete finally her handsome features looked down on her darling from a portrait on the wall as if it were even something to her that her likeness should watch him while he slept i found the fire burning clear enough in my room by this time and the curtains drawn before the windows and round the bed giving it a very snug appearance i sat down in a great chair upon the hearth to on my happiness and had enjoyed the contemplation of it for op david some time when i found a likeness of miss looking eagerly at me from above tlie piece it was a startling likeness and necessarily had a startling look the painter hadn t made the but i made it and there it was coming and going now confined to the upper lip as i had seen it at dinner and now showing the whole extent of the wound inflicted by the hammer as i had seen it when she was passionate i wondered why they couldn t put her anywhere else instead of her on me to get rid of her i quickly extinguished my and went to bed but as i fell asleep i could not forget that she was still there looking is it really though i want to know and when i awoke in the night i found that i was uneasily asking all sorts of people in my dreams whether it really was or not without knowing what i meant chapter xxi little em ly there was a servant in that house a man who understood was usually with and had come into his service at the university who was in appearance a pattern of respectability i believe there never existed in his station a more respectable looking man he was soft footed very quiet in his manner observant always at hand when wanted and never near when not wanted but his great claim to consideration was his respectability he had not a face he had rather a stiff neck rather a tight smooth head with short hair clinging to it at the sides a soft way of speaking with a peculiar habit of whispering the letter s so distinctly that he seemed to use it oftener than any other man but every peculiarity that he had he made respectable if his nose had been down he would have made that respectable he surrounded himself with an atmosphere of respectability and walked secure in it it would have been next to impossible to suspect him of anything wrong he was so thoroughly respectable nobody could have thought of putting him in a livery he was so highly respectable to have imposed any work upon him would have been to inflict a wanton insult on the of a most respectable man and of this i noticed the women servants in the household were so conscious that they always did such work themselves and generally while he read the paper by the fire such a self contained man i never saw but in that as in every other he possessed he only seemed to be the more respectable even the fact that no one knew his christian name seemed to form a part of his respectability nothing could be objected against his by which he was known peter might have been hanged or tom transported but was perfectly respectable p the personal history and experience it was occasioned i suppose by the reverend nature of respectability in the abstract but i felt particularly young in this man s presence how old he was himself i could not guess and that again went to his credit on the same score for in the calmness of respectability he might have numbered fifty years as well as thirty was in my room in the morning before i was up to bring me that water and to put out my clothes when i the curtains and looked out of bed i saw him in an temperature of respectability unaffected by the east wind of january and not even breathing standing my boots right and left in the first dancing position and blowing of dust off my coat as he laid it down like a baby i gave him good morning and asked him what o clock it was he took out of his pocket the most respectable hunting watch i ever saw and preventing the spring with his thumb from opening far looked in at the face as if he were consulting an shut it up again and said if i pleased it was eight mr will be glad to hear how you have rested sir thank you said i very well indeed is mr quite well thank you sir mr is tolerably
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well another of his characteristics no use of a cool calm medium always is there anything more i can have the honor of doing for you sir the warning bell will ring at nine the family take breakfast at nine nothing i thank you i thank you sir if you please and with that and with a little inclination of his head when he passed the bedside as an apology for me he went out shutting the door as delicately as if i had just fallen into a sweet sleep on which my life depended every morning we held exactly this conversation never any more and never any less and yet invariably however far i might have been lifted out of myself over night and advanced towards years by s companionship or mrs s confidence or miss s conversation in the presence of this most respectable man i became as our smaller poets sing a boy again he got horses for us and who knew every thing gave me lessons in riding he provided for us and gave me lessons in gloves and i began of the same master to improve in it gave me no manner of concern that should find me a in these but i never could bear to show my want of skill before the respectable i had no reason to believe that understood such arts himself he never led me to suppose anything of the kind by so much as the of one of his respectable yet whenever he was by while we were i felt myself the and most inexperienced of mortals i am particular about this man because he made a particular effect on me at that time and because of what took place thereafter the week passed away in a most delightful manner it passed rapidly as may be supposed to one as i was and yet it gave me so many occasions for knowing better and admiring him more in a thousand respects that at its close t seemed to have been with him for of a much longer time a dashing way he had of treating me like a was more agreeable to me than any behaviour he could haye adopted it reminded me of our old acquaintance it seemed the natural of it it showed me that he was unchanged it relieved me of any uneasiness i might have felt in comparing my merits with his and measuring my claims upon his friendship by any equal standard above all it was a affectionate that he used towards no one else as he had treated me at school differently from all the rest i joyfully that he treated me in life any other friend he had i believed that i was nearer to his heart than any other friend and my own heart warmed with attachment to him he made up his mind to go with me into the country and the day arrived for our departure he had been doubtful at first whether to take or not but decided to leave him at home the respectable creature satisfied with his lot whatever it was arranged our on the little carriage that was to take us into london as if they were intended to defy the of ages and received my modestly proffered with perfect tranquillity we bade adieu to mrs and miss with many thanks on my part and much kindness on the devoted mother s the last thing i saw was s eye as i fancied with the silent conviction that i was very young indeed what i felt in returning so to the old familiar places i shall not endeavour to describe we went down by the mail i was so concerned i recollect even for the honor of that when said as we drove through its dark streets to the inn that as well as he could make out it was a good queer out of the way kind of hole i was highly pleased we went to bed on our arrival i observed a pair of dirty shoes and in with my old friend the as we passed that door and late in the morning who was in great spirits had been strolling about the beach before i was up and had made acquaintance he said with half the in the place moreover he had seen in the distance what he was sure must be the identical house of mr with smoke coming out of the chimney and had had a great mind he told me to walk in and swear he was myself grown out of knowledge when do you propose to introduce me there he said i am at your disposal make your own arrangements why i was thinking that this evening would be a good time when they are all sitting round the fire i should like you to see it when it s snug it s such a curious place so be it returned this evening i shall not give them any notice that we are here you know said i delighted we must take them by surprise oh of course it s no fun said unless we take them by surprise let us see the natives in their condition though they are that sort of people that you mentioned i returned what you recollect my with do you he exclaimed with a quick look confound the girl i am half afraid of her she s a to me but never mind her now what are you going to do you are going to see your nurse suppose the personal history and experience why yes i said i must see first of all well replied looking at his watch suppose i deliver you up to be cried over for a couple of hours is that long enough i answered laughing that i thought we might get through it in that time but that he must come also for he
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would find that his renown had preceded him and that he was almost as great a personage as i was i come anywhere you like said or do anything you like tell me where to come to and in two hours i produce myself in any state you please sentimental or i gave him minute directions for finding the residence of mr to and elsewhere and on this understanding went out alone there was a sharp air the ground was dry the sea was crisp and clear the sun was abundance of light if not much warmth and everything was fresh and lively i was so fresh and lively myself in the pleasure of being there that i could have stopped the people in the streets and shaken hands with them the streets looked small of course the streets that we have only seen as children always do i believe when we go back to them but i had forgotten nothing in them and found nothing changed until i came to mr s shop and was now written up where used to be but the inscription tailor funeral sec remained as it was my footsteps seemed to tend so naturally to the shop door after i had read these words from over the way that i went across the road and looked in there was a pretty woman at the back of the shop dancing a little child in her arms while another little fellow clung to her apron i had no difficulty in either or s children the of the parlor was not open but in the across the yard i could faintly hear the old tune playing as if it had never left off is mr at home said i entering i should like to see him for a moment if he is oh yes sir he is at home said this weather don t suit his out of doors joe call your grandfather the little fellow who was holding her apron gave such a shout that the sound of it made him and he buried his face in her skirts to her great admiration i heard a heavy puffing and blowing coming towards us and soon mr shorter than of but not much older looking stood before me servant sir said mr what can i do for you sir you can shake hands with me mr if you please said i putting out my own you were very good natured to me once when i am afraid i didn t show that i thought so was i though returned the old man i m glad to hear it but i don t remember when are you sure it was me quite i think my memory has got as short as my breath said mr looking at me and shaking his head for i don t remember you don t you remember your coming to the coach io meet me and my having breakfast here and our riding out to together you and i and mrs and mr too who wasn t her husband then op david why lord bless my soul exclaimed mr after being thrown by his surprise into a fit of you don t say so my dear you recollect dear me yes the party was a lady i think my mother i rejoined to be sure said mr touching my waistcoat with his forefinger and there was a little child too there was two parties the little party was laid along with the other party over at it was of course dear me and how have you been since very well i thanked him as i hoped he had been too oh nothing to at you know said mr i find my breath gets short but it seldom gets longer as a man gets older i take it as it comes and make the most of it that s the best way ain t it mr again in consequence of laughing and was assisted out of his fit by his daughter who now stood close beside us dancing her smallest child on the counter dear me said mr yes to be sure two parties why in that very ride if you me the day was named for my to marry do name it sir says yes do father says and now he s come into the business and look here the youngest laughed and her hair upon her temples as her father put one of his fat fingers into the hand of the child she was dancing on the counter two parties of course said mr nodding his head ex so and s at work at this minute on a grey one with silver nails not this the of the dancing child upon the counter by a good two inches will you take something i thanked him but declined let me see said mr s the s wife s the s sister she had something to do with your family she was in service there sure my answering in the affirmative gave him great satisfaction i believe my breath will get long next my memory s getting so much so said mr well sir we ve got a young relation of hers here under articles to us that has as elegant a taste in the business i assure you i don t believe there s a in england can touch her not little em ly said i involuntarily em ly s her name said mr and she s little too but if you believe me she has such a face of her own that half the women in this town are mad against her nonsense father cried my dear said mr i don t say it s the case with you at me but i say that half the women in ah and in five mile round are mad against that girl
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have not the heart to tell i was troubled with no that it was young in me to respond to her emotions i had never laughed and cried in all my life i dare say not even to her more freely than i did that morning will be so glad said wiping her eyes with her apron that it do him more good than of may i go and tell him you are here will you come up and see him my dear of course i would but could not get out of the room as easily as she meant to for as often as she got to the door and looked round at me she came back again to have another laugh and another cry upon my shoulder at last to make the matter easier i went up stairs with her and having waited outside for a minute while she said a word of preparation to mr presented myself before that invalid he received me with absolute enthusiasm he was too to be shaken hands with but he begged me to shake the on the top of his which i did most cordially when i sat down by the side of the bed he said that it did him a world of good to feel as if he was driving me on the road again as he lay in bed face upward and so covered with that exception that he seemed to be nothing but a face like a conventional he looked the object i ever beheld l the personal history and experience what name was it as i wrote up in tlie cart sir said mr with a slow smile ah mr we had some grave talks about that matter hadn t we i was a long time sir said mr a long time said i and i don t regret it said mr do you remember what you told me once about her making all the apple and doing all the cooking yes very well t returned it was as true said mr as is it was as true said mr nodding his which was his only means of emphasis as taxes is and nothing s truer than them mr turned his eyes upon me as if for my assent to this result of his reflections in bed and i gave it nothing s truer than them repeated mr a man as poor as i am finds that out in his mind when he s laid up i m a very poor man sir i am sorry to hear it mr a very poor man indeed i am said mr here his right hand came slowly and feebly from under the and with a uncertain grasp took hold of a stick which was loosely tied to the side of the bed after some about with this instrument in the course of which his face assumed a variety of distracted expressions mr it against a box an end of which had been visible to me all the time then his face became composed old clothes said mr oh said i i wish it was money sir said mr i wish it was indeed said i but it ain t said mr opening both his eyes as wide as he possibly could i expressed myself quite sure of that and mr turning his eyes more gently to his wife said she s the and best of women c p all the praise that any one can give to c p she deserves and more my dear you get a dinner to day for company something good to eat and drink will you i should have protested against this unnecessary demonstration in my honor but that i saw on the opposite side of the bed extremely anxious i should not so i held my peace i have got a trifle of money somewhere about me my dear said mr but i m a little tired if you and mr david will leave me for a short nap i try and find it when i wake we left the room in compliance with this request when we got outside the door informed me that mr being now a little nearer than he used to be always resorted to this same device before producing a single coin from his store and that he endured unheard of agonies in crawling out of bed alone and taking it from that unlucky box in effect we presently heard him uttering suppressed groans of the most dismal nature as this proceeding him in every joint but while s eyes were full of compassion for him she said his of david generous impulse would do him good and it was better not to check it so he groaned on until he had got into bed again suffering i have no doubt a and then called us in pretending to have just woke up from a refreshing sleep and to produce a guinea from under his pillow his satisfaction in which happy on us and in having preserved the impenetrable secret of the box appeared to be a sufficient compensation to him for all his i prepared for s arrival and it was not long before he came i am persuaded she knew no difference between his having been a personal benefactor of hers and a kind friend to me and that she would have received him with the utmost gratitude and devotion in any case but his easy spirited good humour his genial manner his handsome looks his natural gift of himself to he pleased and making direct when he cared to do it to the main point of interest in anybody s heart bound her to him wholly in five minutes his manner to me alone would have won her but through all these causes combined i sincerely believe she had a kind of adoration for him before he left the house
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that night he stayed there with me to dinner if i were to say willingly i should not half express how readily and gaily he went into mr s room like light and air brightening and refreshing it as if he were healthy weather there was no noise no effort no consciousness in anything he did but in everything an indescribable lightness a seeming impossibility of doing anything else or doing anything better which was so graceful so natural and agreeable that it me even now in the remembrance we made merry in the little parlor where the book of since my time was laid out upon the desk as of old and where i now turned over its terrific pictures remembering the old sensations they had awakened but not feeling them when spoke of what she called my room and of its being ready for me at night and of her hoping i would occupy it before i could so much as look at hesitating he was possessed of the whole case of course he said you sleep here while we stay and i shall sleep at the hotel but to bring you so far i returned and to separate seems bad companionship why in the name of heaven where do you naturally belong he said what is seems compared to that it was settled at once he maintained all his delightful qualities to the last until we started forth at eight o clock for mr s boat indeed they were more and more brightly exhibited as the hours went on for i thought even then and i have no doubt now that the consciousness of success in his determination to please inspired him with a new delicacy of perception and made it as it was more easy to him if any one had told me then that all this was a brilliant game played for the excitement of the moment for the employment of high spirits in the thoughtless love of superiority in a mere careless course of winning what was worthless to him and next minute thrown away i say if any one had told me such a lie that night i wonder in what manner of receiving it my indignation would have found a vent the personal history and experience probably only in an increase had that been possible of the romantic feelings of fidelity and friendship with which i walked beside him over the dark wintry sands towards the old boat the wind sighing around us even more mournfully than it had sighed and moaned upon the night when i first darkened mr s door this is a wild kind of place is it not dismal enough in the dark he said and the sea as if it were hungry for us is that the boat where i see a light yonder that s the boat said i and it s the same i saw this morning he returned i came straight to it by instinct i suppose we said no more as we approached the light but made softly for the door i laid my hand upon the latch and whispering to keep close to me went in a murmur of voices had been audible on the outside and at the moment of our entrance a clapping of hands which latter noise was surprised to see proceeded from the generally mrs but mrs was not the only person there who was unusually excited mr his face lighted up with satisfaction and laughing with all his might held his rough arms wide open as if for little em ly to run into them ham with a mixed expression in his face of admiration exultation and a sort of that sat upon him very well held little em ly by the hand as if he were presenting her to mr little em ly herself blushing and shy but delighted with mr s delight as her joyous eyes expressed was stopped by our entrance for she saw us first in the very act of springing from ham to in mr s embrace in the first glimpse we had of them all and at the moment of our passing from the dark cold night into the warm light room this was the way in which they were all employed mrs in the back ground clapping her hands like a the little picture was so dissolved by our going in that one might have doubted whether it had ever been i was in the midst of the astonished family face to face with mr and holding out my hand to him when ham shouted r it s r in a moment we were all shaking hands with one another and asking one another how we did and telling one another how glad we were to meet and all talking at once mr was so proud and to see us that he did not know what to say or do but kept over and over again shaking hands with me and then with and then with me and then his shaggy hair all over his head and laughing with such glee and triumph that it was a treat to see him why that you two should come to this here roof to night of all nights in my life said mr is such a thing as never happened afore i do rightly believe em ly my darling come here come here my little witch there s r s friend my dear there s the as you ve on em ly he comes to see you along with r on the brightest night of your uncle s life as ever was or will be the t other one and for it after delivering this speech all in a breath and with extraordinary animation and pleasure mr put one of his large hands of david on each side of his niece s face and kissing it a dozen
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times laid it with a gentle pride and love upon his broad chest and patted it as if his hand had been a lady s then he let her go and as she ran into the little chamber where i used to sleep looked round upon us quite hot and out of breath with his uncommon satisfaction if you two now and such said mr so th are so th are cried ham well said so th are r so th are if you two said mr don t ex me for being in a state of mind when you understand matters i your pardon em ly my dear she knows i m a going to tell here his delight broke out again and has made off would you be so good as look her for a minute mrs nodded and disappeared if this ain t said mr sitting down among us by the fire the brightest night o my life i m a too and more i can t say this here little em ly sir in a low voice to her as you see a blushing here just now only nodded but with such a pleased expression of interest and of in mr s feelings that the latter answered him as if he had spoken to be sure said mr that s her and so she is sir ham nodded to me several times as if he would have said so too this here little em ly of ours said mr has been in our house what i suppose i m a ignorant man but that s my belief no one but a little bright eyed can be in a house she ain t my child i never had one but i couldn t love her more you understand i couldn t do it i quite understand said i know you do sir returned mr and again r he can remember what she was you may judge for your own self what she is but neither of you can t fully know what she has been is and will be to my loving art i am rough sir said mr i am as rough as a sea but no one unless it is a woman can know i think what our little em ly is to me and ourselves sinking his voice lower yet that woman s name ain t neither though she has a world of merits mr ruffled his hair again with both hands as a further preparation for what he was going to say and went on with a hand upon each of his knees there was a certain person as had know d our em ly from the time when her father was as had seen her constant when a when a young when a woman not much of a person to look at he warn t said mr something o my own build rough a good deal o the sou in him salt but on the whole a honest sort of a chap with his art in the right place i thought i had never seen ham grin to anything like the extent to which he sat grinning at us now what does this here blessed go and do said mr the personal history and experience with his face one high noon of enjoyment but he loses that there art of his to our little em ly he her about he makes a sort o servant to her he loses in a great measure his relish for his and in the long run he makes it clear to me s amiss now i could wish myself you see that our little em ly was in a fair way of being married i could wish to see her at all under articles to a honest man as had a right to defend her i don t know how long i may live or how soon i may die but i know that if i was any night in a gale of wind in here and was to see the town lights shining for the last time over the as i couldn t make no head against i could go down for thinking there s a man ashore there iron true to my little em ly god bless her and no wrong can touch my em ly while so be as that man lives mr in simple earnestness waved his right arm as if he were waving it at the town lights for the last time and then exchanging a nod with ham whose eye he caught proceeded as before well i counsels him to speak to em ly he s big enough but he s than a little un and he don t so i speak what him says em ly him that i ve know d so intimate so many years and like so much oh uncle i never can have him he s such a good fellow i gives her a kiss and i says no more to her than my dear you re right to speak out you re to choose for yourself you re as free as a little bird then i to him and i says i wish it could have been so but it can t but you can both be as you was and i say to you is be as you was with her a man he says to me a shaking of my hand i will he says and he was honorable and for two year going on and we was just the same at home here as afore mr s face which had varied in its expression with the various stages of his narrative now resumed all its former triumphant as he laid a hand upon my knee and a hand upon s previously them both for the greater
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emphasis of the action and divided the following speech between us all of a sudden one evening as it might be to night comes little em ly from her work and him with her there ain t so much in that you say no because he takes care on her a brother dark and indeed afore dark and at all times but this chap he takes hold of her hand and he cries out to me joyful look here this is to be my little wife and she says half bold and half shy and half a laughing and half a crying yes uncle if you please if i please cried mr his head in an at the idea lord as if i should do any think if you please i am now and i have thought better of it and i ii be as good a little wife as i can to him for he s a dear good fellow then she her hands a play and you come in there the murder s out said mr you come in it took place this here present hour and here s the man that marry her the minute she s out of her time ham staggered as well he might under the blow mr dealt him in his unbounded joy as a mark of confidence and friendship but upon to say something to us he said with much faltering and great difficulty op david she warn t no higher than you was r when you first come when i thought what she d grow up to be i see her grow up like a flower i down my life for her r oh most content and cheerful she s more to me than she s all to me that ever i want and more than ever i than ever i could say i i love her true there ain t a in all the land nor yet sailing upon all the sea that can love his lady more than i love her though there s many a common man would say better what he meant i thought it affecting to see such a sturdy fellow as ham was now trembling in the strength of what he felt for the pretty little creature who had won his heart i thought the simple confidence in us by mr and by himself was in itself affecting i was affected by the story altogether how far my emotions were influenced by the recollections of my childhood i don t know whether i had come there with any lingering fancy that i was still to love little em ly i don t know i know that i was filled with pleasure by all this but at first with an sensitive pleasure that a very little would have changed to pain therefore if it had depended upon me to touch the prevailing among them with any skill i should have made a poor hand of it but it depended upon and he did it with such address that in a few minutes we were all as easy and as happy as it was possible to be mr he said you are a thoroughly good fellow and deserve to be as happy as you are to night my hand upon it ham give you joy my boy my hand upon that too stir the fire and make it a brisk one and mr unless you can induce your gentle niece to come back for whom i this seat in the corner i shall go any gap at your fireside on such a night such a gap least of all i wouldn t make for the wealth of the indies so mr went into my old room to fetch little em ly at first little em ly didn t like to come and then ham went presently they brought her to the fireside very much confused and very shy but she soon became more assured when she found how gently and respectfully spoke to her how he avoided anything that would her how he talked to mr of boats and ships and tides and fish how he referred to me about the time when he had seen mr at house how delighted he was with the boat and all belonging to t how and easily he carried on until he brought us by degrees into a charmed circle and we were all talking away without any reserve em ly indeed said little all the evening but she looked and listened and her face got animated and she was charming told a story of a dismal which arose out of his talk with mr as if he saw it all before him and little em ly s eyes were fastened on him all the time as if she saw it too he told us a merry adventure of his own as a relief to that with as much gaiety as if the narrative were as fresh to him as it was to us and little em ly laughed until the boat rang with the musical sounds and we all laughed too in irresistible sympathy with what was so pleasant and hearted he got mr to sing or rather to roar when the stormy winds do blow do blow do blow and he sang a sailor s song himself so and beautifully that i could have almost fancied that the real wind the personal history and experience creeping sorrowfully round the house and murmuring low through our unbroken silence was there to listen as to mrs he roused that victim of despondency with a success never attained by any one else so mr informed me since the of the old one he left her so little leisure for being miserable that she said
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next day she thought she must have been but he set up no of the general attention or the conversation when little em ly grew more courageous and talked but still across the fire to me of our old wanderings upon the beach to pick up shells and pebbles and when i asked her if she recollected how i used to be devoted to her and when we both laughed and casting these looks back on the pleasant old times so unreal to look at now he was silent and attentive and observed us thoughtfully she sat at this time and all the evening on the old in her old little corner by the fire ham beside her where i used to sit i could not satisfy myself whether it w r as in her own little way or in a reserve before us that she kept quite close to the wall and away from him but i observed that she did so all the evening as i remember it was almost midnight when we took our leave we had had some and dried fish for supper and had produced from his pocket a full of which we men i may say we men now without a blush had emptied we parted merrily and as they all stood crowded round the door to light us as far as they could upon our road i saw the sweet blue eyes of little em ly peeping after us from behind ham and heard her soft voice calling to us to be careful how we went a most engaging little beauty said taking my arm well it s a quaint place and they are quaint company and it s quite a new sensation to mix with them how fortunate we are too i returned to have arrived to witness their happiness in that intended marriage i never saw people so happy how delightful to see it and to be made the in their honest joy as we have been that s rather a chuckle headed fellow for the girl isn t he said he had been so hearty with him and with them all that i felt a shock in this unexpected and cold reply but turning quickly upon him and seeing a laugh in his eyes i answered much relieved ah it s well for you to joke about the poor you may with miss or try to hide your sympathies in jest from me but i know better when i see how perfectly you understand them how exquisitely you can enter into happiness like this plain s or humour a love like my old nurse s i know that there is not a joy or sorrow not an emotion of such people that can be indifferent to you and i admire and love you for it twenty times the more he stopped and looking in my face said i believe you are in earnest and are good i wish we all were next moment he was gaily singing mr s song as we walked at a round pace back to of david chapter xxii some old scenes and some new people and i stayed for more than a fortnight in that part of the country we were very much together i need not say but occasionally we were asunder for some hours at a time he was a good sailor and i was but an indifferent one and when he went out with mr which was a favorite amusement of his i generally remained ashore my occupation of s spare room put a upon me from which he was free for knowing how she attended on mr all day i did not like to remain out late at night whereas lying at the inn had nothing to consult but his own humour thus it came about that i heard of his making little treats for the at mr s house of call the willing mind after i was in bed and of his being afloat wrapped in s clothes whole nights and coming back when the morning tide was at flood by this time however i knew that restless nature and bold spirits to find a vent in rough toil and hard weather as in any other means of excitement that presented itself to him so none of his proceedings surprised me another cause of our being sometimes apart was that i had naturally an interest in going over to and the old familiar scenes of my childhood while after being there once had naturally no great interest in going there again hence on three or four days that i can at once we went our several ways after an early breakfast and met again at a late dinner i had no idea how he employed his time in the interval beyond a general knowledge that he was very popular in the place and had twenty means of himself where another man might not have found one for my own part my occupation in my solitary was to every yard of the old road as i went along it and to haunt the old spots of which i never tired i haunted them as my memory had often done and among them as my younger thoughts had lingered when i was far away the grave beneath the tree where both my parents lay on which i had looked out when it was my father s only with such curious feelings of compassion and by which i had stood so desolate when it was opened to receive my pretty mother and her baby the grave which s own faithful care had ever since kept neat and made a garden of i walked near by the horn it lay a little off the church yard path in a quiet corner not so far removed but i could read the names upon the stone as i walked to and fro startled
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by the sound of the church bell when it struck the hour for it was like a departed voice to me my reflections at these times were always associated with the figure i was to make in life and the distinguished things i was to do my echoing footsteps went to no other tune but were as constant to that as if i had come home to build my castles in the air at a living mother s side the personal history and experience there were great changes in my old home the ragged nests so long deserted by the were gone and the trees were and out of their remembered shapes the garden had run wild and half the windows of the house were shut up it was occupied but only by a poor lunatic gentleman and the people who took care of him he was always sitting at my little window looking out into the church yard and i wondered whether his rambling thoughts ever went upon any of the fancies that used to occupy mine on the rosy mornings when i peeped out of that same little window in my night clothes and saw the sheep quietly feeding in the light of the rising sun our old neighbours mr and mrs were gone to south america and the rain had made its way through the roof of their empty house and stained the outer walls mr was married again to a tall high wife and they had a little baby with a heavy head that it couldn t hold up and two weak staring eyes with which it seemed to be always wondering why it had ever been born it was with a singular of sadness and pleasure that i used to linger about my native place until the winter sun me that it was time to start on my returning walk but when the place was left behind and especially when and i were happily seated over our dinner by a blazing fire it was delicious to think of having been there so it was though in a softened degree when i went to my neat room at night and turning over the leaves of the book which was always there upon a little table remembered with a grateful heart how i was in having such a friend as such a friend as and such a substitute for what i had lost as my excellent and generous aunt my nearest way to in coming back from these long walks was by a it landed me on the between the town and the sea which i could make straight across and so save myself a considerable circuit by the high road mr s house being on that waste place and not a hundred yards out of my track i always looked in as i went by was pretty sure to be there expecting me and we went on together through the frosty air and gathering fog towards the twinkling lights of the town one dark evening when i was later than usual for i had that day been making my parting visit to as we were now about to return home i found him alone in mr s house sitting thoughtfully before the fire he was so intent upon his own reflections that he was quite unconscious of my approach this indeed he might easily have been if he had been less absorbed for footsteps fell noiselessly on the sandy ground outside but even my entrance failed to rouse him i was standing close to him looking at him and still with a heavy brow he was lost in his meditations he gave such a start when i put my hand upon his shoulder that he made me start top you come upon me he said almost angrily like a ghost i was obliged to announce myself somehow i replied have i called you down from the stars no he answered no of david up from anywhere then said i taking my seat near him i was looking at the pictures in the fire he returned but you are them for me said i as he stirred it quickly with a piece of burning wood striking out of it a train of red hot sparks that went up the little chimney and roaring out into the air you would not have seen them he returned i this time neither day nor night how late you are where have you been i have been taking leave of my usual walk said i and i have been sitting here said glancing round the room thinking that all the people we found so glad on the night of our coming down might to judge from the present wasted air of the place be dispersed or dead or come to i don t know what harm david i wish to god i had had a judicious father these last twenty years my dear what is the matter i wish with all my soul i had been better guided he exclaimed i wish with all my soul i could guide myself better there was a passionate in his manner that quite amazed me he was more unlike himself than i could have supposed possible it would be better to be this poor or his of a nephew he said getting up and leaning against the with his face towards the fire than to be myself twenty times richer and twenty times wiser and be the torment to myself that i have been in this devil bark of a boat within the last half hour i was so confounded by the alteration in him that at first i could only observe him in silence as he stood leaning his head upon his hand and looking gloomily down at the fire at length i begged him with all the earnestness i felt to tell me what had occurred to
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him so unusually and to let me with him if i could not hope to advise him before i had well concluded he began to laugh at first but soon with returning gaiety tut it s nothing nothing he replied i told you at the inn in london i am heavy company for myself sometimes i have been a nightmare to myself just now must have had one i think at odd dull times nursery tales come up into the memory for what they are i believe i have been myself with the bad boy who didn t care and became food for lions a kind of going to the dogs i suppose what old women call the horrors have been creeping over me from head to foot i have been afraid of myself you are afraid of nothing else i think said i perhaps not and yet may have enough to be afraid of too he answered well so it goes by i am not about to be again david but i tell yon my good fellow once more that it would have been well for me and for more than me if i had had a steadfast and judicious father his face was always full of expression but i never saw it express such a dark kind of earnestness as when he said these words with his glance bent on the fire so much for that he said making as if he tossed something light into the air with his hand why being gone i am a man again q the personal history and experience like and now for dinner if i have not like broken up the feast with most admired disorder but where are they all i wonder said i god knows said after strolling to the looking for you i strolled in here and found the place deserted that set me thinking and you found me thinking the advent of mrs with a basket explained how the house had happened to be empty she had hurried out to buy something that was needed against mr s return with the tide and had left the door open in the meanwhile lest ham and little em ly with whom it was an early night should come home while she was gone after very much improving mrs s spirits by a cheerful salutation and a embrace took my arm and hurried me away he had improved his own spirits no less than mrs s for they were again at their usual flow and he was full of conversation as we went along and so he said gaily we abandon this life to morrow do we so we agreed i returned and our places by the coach are taken you know ay there s no help for it i suppose said i have almost forgotten that there is anything to do in the world but to go out tossing on the sea here i wish there was not as long as the novelty should last said i laughing like enough he returned though there s a sarcastic meaning in that observation for an amiable piece of innocence like my young friend well i dare say i am a capricious fellow david i know i am but while the iron is hot i can strike it vigorously too i could pass a reasonably good examination already as a pilot in these waters i think mr says you are a wonder i returned a phenomenon eh laughed indeed he does and you know how truly knowing how ardent you are in any pursuit you follow and how easily you can master it and that me most in you that you should be contented with such fitful uses of your powers contented he answered merrily i am never contented except with your freshness my gentle as to i have never learnt the art of binding myself to any of the wheels on which the of these days are turning round and round i missed it somehow in a bad and now don t care about it you know i have bought a boat down here what an extraordinary fellow you are i exclaimed stopping for this was the first i had heard of it when you may never care to come near the place again i don t know that he returned i have taken a fancy to the place at all events walking me briskly on i have bought a boat that was for sale a mr says and so she is and mr will be master of her in my absence now i understand you said i you pretend to have bought it for yourself but you have really done so to confer a benefit on him i might have known as much at first knowing you of david my dear kind how can i tell you what i think of your generosity he answered turning red the less said the better didn t i know cried i didn t i say that there was not a joy or sorrow or any emotion of such honest hearts that was indifferent to you aye aye he answered you told me all that there let it rest we have said enough afraid of offending him by pursuing the subject when he made so light of it i only pursued it in my thoughts as we went on at even a quicker pace than before she must be newly said and i shall leave behind to see it done that i may know she is quite complete did i tell you had come down no oh yes came down this morning with a letter from my mother as our looks met i observed that he was pale even to his lips though he looked very steadily at me i feared that some difference between him and his mother might have led to his
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being in the frame of mind in which i had found him at the solitary fireside i hinted so oh no he said shaking his head and giving a slight laugh nothing of the sort yes he is come down that man of mine the same as ever said i the same as ever said distant and quiet as the north pole he shall see to the boat being fresh named she s the stormy now what does mr care for stormy i have her again by what name i asked the little em ly as he had continued to look steadily at me i took it as a that he objected to being for his consideration i could not help showing in my face how much it pleased me but i said and he resumed his usual smile and seemed relieved but see here he said looking before us where the original little em ly comes and that fellow with her eh upon my soul he s a true knight he never leaves her ham was a boat in these days having improved a natural ingenuity in that until he had become a skilled workman he was in his working dress and looked rugged enough but manly withal and a very fit protector for the blooming little creature at his side indeed there was a frankness in his face an honesty and an show of his pride in her and his love for her which were to me the best of good looks i thought as they came towards us that they were well matched even in that she withdrew her hand timidly from his arm as we stopped to speak to them and blushed as she gave it to and to me when they passed on after we had exchanged a few words she did not to replace that hand but still appearing timid and constrained walked by herself i thought all this very pretty and engaging and seemed to think so too as we looked after them fading away in the light of a young moon suddenly there passed us evidently following them a young woman the personal history and experience whose approach we had not observed but whose face i saw as she went by and thought i had a faint remembrance of she was lightly dressed j looked bold and haggard and and poor but seemed for the time to have given all that to the wind which was blowing and to have nothing in her mind but going after them as the dark distant level absorbing their figures into itself left but itself visible between us and the sea and clouds her figure disappeared in like manner still no nearer to them than before that is a black shadow to be following the girl said standing still what does it mean he spoke in a low voice that sounded almost strange to me she must have it in her mind to beg of them i think said i a beggar be no novelty said but it is a strange thing that the beggar should take that shape to night why i asked him for no better reason truly than because i was thinking he said after a pause of something like it when it came by where the devil did it come from i wonder the shadow of this wall i think said i as we emerged upon a road on which a wall it s gone he returned looking over his shoulder and all ill go with it now for our dinner but he looked again over his shoulder towards the sea line glimmering afar off and yet again and he wondered about it in some broken expressions several times in the short remainder of our walk and only seemed to forget it when the light of fire and candle shone upon us seated warm and merry at table was there and had his usual effect upon me when i said to him that i hoped mrs and miss were well he answered respectfully and of course that they were tolerably well he thanked me and had sent their this was all and yet he seemed to me to say as plainly as a man could say you are very young sir you are exceedingly young we had almost finished dinner when taking a step or two towards the table from the corner where he kept watch upon us or rather upon me as i felt he said to his master i beg your pardon sir miss is down here who cried much astonished miss sir why what on earth does she do here said it appears to be her native part of the country sir she me that she makes one of her professional visits here every year sir i met her in the street this afternoon and she wished to know if she might have the honor of waiting on you after dinner sir do you know the in question inquired i was obliged to confess i felt ashamed even of being at this disadvantage before that miss and i were wholly then you shall know her said for she is one of the seven wonders of the world when miss comes show her in op david i felt some curiosity and excitement about this lady especially as burst into a fit of laughing when i referred to her and positively refused to answer any question of which i made her the subject i remained therefore in a state of considerable expectation until the cloth had been removed some half an hour and we were sitting over our of wine before the fire when the door opened and with his habitual serenity quite undisturbed announced miss i looked at the doorway and saw nothing i was still looking at the doorway thinking that miss was a long while making her appearance when to my infinite astonishment there
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came round a sofa which stood between me and it a dwarf of about forty or forty five with a very large head and face a pair of grey eyes and such extremely little arms that to enable herself to lay a finger against her nose as she she was obliged to meet the finger half way and lay her nose against it her chin which was what is called a double chin was so fat that it entirely swallowed up the strings of her bonnet bow and all throat she had none waist she had none legs she had none worth mentioning for though she was more than full sized down to where her waist would have been if she had had any and though she terminated as human beings generally do in a pair of feet she was so short that she stood at a common sized chair as at a table resting a bag she carried on the seat this lady dressed in an off hand easy style bringing her nose and her forefinger together with the difficulty i have described standing with her head necessarily on one side and with one of her sharp eyes shut up making an uncommonly knowing face after for a few moments broke into a torrent of words what my flower she pleasantly began shaking her large head at him you re there are you oh you naughty boy for shame what do you do so far away from home up to mischief i be bound oh you re a fellow so you are and i in another ain t i ha ha ha you d have a hundred pound to five now that you wouldn t have seen me here wouldn t you bless you man alive i m everywhere i m here and there and where not like the s half crown in the lady s talking of and talking of ladies what a comfort you are to your blessed mother ain t you my dear boy over one of my shoulders and i don t say which miss her bonnet at this passage of her discourse threw back the strings and sat down panting on a in front of the fire making a kind of of the dining table which spread its mahogany shelter above her head oh my stars and what s their names she went on clapping a hand on each of her little knees and glancing at me i m of too full a habit that s the fact after a flight of stairs it gives me as much trouble to draw every breath i want as if it was a bucket of water if you saw me looking out of an upper window you d think i was a fine woman wouldn t you i should think that wherever i saw you replied go along you dog do cried the little creature making a at him with the handkerchief with which she was wiping her face and don t the personal history and experience be impudent but i give you my word and honor i was at lady s last week there s a woman how she wears and himself came into the room where i was waiting for her there s a man how he wears and his wig too for he s had it these ten years and he went on at that rate in the complimentary line that i began to think i should be obliged to ring the bell ha ha ha he s a pleasant wretch but he wants principle what were you doing for lady asked that s my blessed infant she retorted tapping her nose again up her face and twinkling her eyes like an of supernatural intelligence never you mind you d like to know whether i stop her hair from falling off or it or touch up her complexion or improve her eyebrows wouldn t you and so you shall my darling when i tell you do you know what my great grandfather s name was no said it was my sweet pet replied miss and he came of a long line of that i inherit all the estates from i never beheld anything approaching to miss s wink except miss s self possession she had a wonderful way too when listening to what was said to her or when waiting for an answer to what she had said herself of pausing with her head on one side and one eye turned up like a s altogether i was lost in amazement and sat staring at her quite i am afraid of the laws of politeness she had by this time drawn the chair to her side and was busily engaged in producing from the bag plunging in her short arm to the shoulder at every a number of small bottles bits of flannel little pairs of curling irons and other instruments which she tumbled in a heap upon the chair from this employment she suddenly and said to much to my confusion who s your friend mr said he wants to know you well then he shall t thought he looked as if he did returned miss up to me bag in hand and laughing on me as she came face like a standing on to pinch my cheek as i sat quite tempting i m very fond of happy to make your acquaintance mr i m sure i said that i congratulated myself on having the honor to make hers and that the happiness was mutual oh my goodness how polite we are exclaimed miss making a preposterous attempt to cover her large face with her morsel of a hand what a world of and it is though ain t it this was addressed to both of us as the morsel of a hand came away from the face and buried itself arm and all
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in the bag again what do you mean miss said ha ha ha what a refreshing set of we are to be sure ain t we my sweet child that morsel of a woman feeling in the bag with her head on one side and her eye in the air look here taking something out scraps of the prince s nails prince turned i call him for his name s got all the letters in it the russian prince is a of yours is he said c u z r r of david i believe you my pet replied miss i keep his nails in order for him twice a week fingers and toes he pays well i hope said pays as he speaks my dear child through the nose replied miss none of your close the prince ain t you d say so if you saw his by nature black by art by your art of course said miss winked assent forced to send for me couldn t help it the climate affected his it did very well in but it was no go here you never saw such a rusty prince in all your born days as he was like old iron is that why you called him a just now inquired oh you re a of a boy ain t you returned miss shaking her head violently i said what a set of we were in general and i showed you the scraps of the prince s nails to prove it the prince s nails do more for me in private families of the genteel sort than all my talents put together i always carry em about they re the best introduction if miss cuts the prince s nails she must be all right i give em away to the young ladies they put em in i believe ha ha ha upon my life the whole social system as the men call it when they make speeches in parliament is a system of prince s nails said this least of women trying to fold her short arms and nodding her large head laughed heartily and i laughed too miss continuing all the time to shake her head which was very much on one side and to look into the air with one eye and to wink with the other weu well she said her small knees and rising this is not business come let s explore the regions and have it over she then selected two or three of the little instruments and a little bottle and asked to my surprise if the table would bear on s replying in the affirmative she pushed a chair against it and begging the assistance of my hand mounted up pretty to the top as if it were a stage if either of you saw my ankles she said when she was safely elevated say so and i go home and destroy myself did not said did not said i well then cried miss i consent to live now come to mrs bond and be killed this was an to to place himself under her hands who accordingly sat himself down with his back to the table and his laughing face towards me and submitted his head to her inspection evidently for no other purpose than our entertainment to see miss standing over him looking at his rich profusion of brown hail through a large round glass which she took out of her pocket was a most amazing spectacle you we a pretty fellow said miss after a brief inspection you d be as bald as a on the top of your head in twelve months but for me just half a minute my young friend an l we ll give you a that shall keep your curls on for the next ten years with this she some of the contents of the little bottle on to one the personal history and experience of the little bits of flannel and again some of the virtues of that preparation to one of the little began rubbing and away with both on the crown of s head in the manner i ever witnessed talking all the time there s the duke s son she said you know peeping round into his face a little said what a man he is there s a as to s legs if they were only a pair which they ain t they d defy competition would you believe he tried to do without me in the life guards too mad said it looks like it however mad or sane he tried returned miss what does he do but lo and behold you he goes into a s shop and wants to buy a bottle of the liquid does said does but they haven t got any of the liquid what is it something to drink asked to drink returned miss stopping to slap his cheek to doctor his own with you know there was a woman in the shop elderly female quite a who had never even heard of it by name begging pardon sir said the to it s not not not is it said to the what the to ears polite do you think i want with no offence sir said the we have it asked for by so many names i thought it might be now that my child continued miss rubbing all the time as busily as ever is another instance of the refreshing i was speaking of i do something in that way myself perhaps a good deal perhaps a little sharp s the word my dear boy never mind in what way do you mean in the way said put this and that together my tender pupil returned the wary touching her nose work it by the rule of secrets in all trades and the product will give you
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the desired result i say i do a little in that way myself one she calls it lip another she calls it gloves another she calls it another she calls it a fan i call it whatever they call it i supply it for em but we keep up the trick so to one another and make believe with such a face that they d as soon think of laying it on before a whole drawing room as before me and when i wait upon em they say to me sometimes with it on thick and no mistake how am i looking am i pale ha ha ha ha isn t that refreshing my young friend i never did in my days behold anything like as she stood upon the dining table intensely enjoying this refreshment rubbing busily at s head and at me over it ah she said such things are not much in demand that sets me off again i t seen a pretty woman since i ve been here no said not the ghost of one replied miss we could show her the substance of one i think said addressing his eyes to mine eh of david yes indeed said i cried the little creature glancing sharply at my face and then peeping round at s the first exclamation sounded like a question put to both of us and the second like a question put to only she seemed to have found no answer to either but continued to rub with her head on one side and her eye turned up as if she were looking for an answer in the air and were confident of its appearing presently a sister of yours mr she cried after a pause and still keeping the same look out aye aye no said before i could reply nothing of the sort on the contrary mr used or i am much mistaken to have a great admiration for her why hasn t he now returned miss is he oh for shame did he every flower and change every hour until his passion is her name the suddenness with which she upon me with this question and a searching look quite disconcerted me for a moment no miss i replied her name is she cried exactly as before what a rattle i am mr ain t i her tone and look implied something that was not agreeable to me in with the subject so i said in a graver manner than any of us had yet assumed she is as virtuous as she is pretty she is engaged to be married to a most worthy and deserving man in her own station of life i esteem her for her good sense as much as i admire her for her good looks well said cried hear hear hear now i the curiosity of this little my dear by leaving her nothing to guess at she is at present miss or or whatever it may be to and and so forth in this town do you observe and the promise of which my friend has spoken is made and entered into with her cousin christian name ham occupation boat also of this town she lives with a relative christian name unknown occupation also of this town she is the prettiest and most engaging little fairy in the world i admire her as my friend does exceedingly if it were not that i might appear to her intended which i know my friend would not hke i would add that to me she seems to be throwing herself away that i am sure she might do better and that i swear she was born to be a lady miss listened to these words which were very slowly and distinctly spoken with her head on one side and her eye in the air as if she were still looking for that answer when he ceased she became brisk again in an instant and rattled away with surprising oh and that s all about it is it she exclaimed his whiskers with a little restless pair of that went glancing round his head in all directions very well very well quite a long story ought to end and they lived happy ever afterwards t it ah what s that game at i love my love with an e because she s i hate her with an e because she s engaged i took her to the the personal history and experience sign of the exquisite and treated her with an her name s and she lives in the east ha ha ha mr ain t i merely looking at me with extravagant and not waiting for any reply she continued without drawing breath there if ever any was trimmed and touched up to perfection you are if i understand any in the world i understand yours do you hear me when i tell you that my darling i understand yours peeping down into his face now you may as we say at court and if mi will take the chair operate on him what do you say inquired laughing and his seat will you be improved thank you miss not this evening don t say no returned the little woman looking at me with the aspect of a a little bit more thank you i returned some other time have it carried half a quarter of an inch towards the temple said miss we can do it in a fortnight no i thank you not at present go in for a tip she urged no let s get the up then for a pair of whiskers come i could not help blushing as i declined for i felt we were on my weak point now but miss finding that i was not at present disposed for any within the range of her art and that i was for the
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time being proof against the of the small bottle which she held up before one eye to enforce her said we would make a beginning on an early day and requested the aid of my hand to descend from her elevated station thus assisted she down with much and began to tie her double chin into her bonnet the fee said is five bob replied miss and dirt cheap my chicken ain t i mr i replied politely not at all but i thought she was rather so when she tossed up his two half crowns like a caught them dropped them in her pocket and gave it a loud slap that s the till observed miss standing at the chair again and in the bag the miscellaneous collection of little objects she had emptied out of it have i got all my traps it seems so it won t do to be like long ned when they took him to church to marry him to somebody as he says and left the bride behind ha ha ha a wicked rascal ned but droll now i know i m going to break your hearts but i am forced to leave you you must call up all your fortitude and try to bear it good bye mr take care of yourself of how i have been rattling on it s all the fault of you two wretches forgive you bob swore as the englishman said for good night when he first learnt french and thought it so like english bob swore my ducks with the bag over her arm and rattling as she away she to the door where she stopped to inquire if she should leave us a lock of her hair ain t i she added as a on this offer and with her finger on her nose departed op david to that degree that it was impossible for me to help laughing too though i am not sure i should have done so but for this w hen we had had our laugh quite out which was after some time he told me that miss had quite an extensive and made herself useful to a variety of people in a variety of ways some people with her as a mere he said but she was as and sharply observant as any one he knew and as long headed as she was short armed he told me that what she had said of being here and there and everywhere was true enough for she made little into the provinces and seemed to pick up customers everywhere and to know everybody i asked him what her disposition was whether it was at all mischievous and if her sympathies were generally on the right side of things but not succeeding in his attention to these questions after two or three attempts i or forgot to repeat them he told me instead with much rapidity a good deal about her skill and her profits and about her being a scientific if i should ever have occasion for her services in that capacity she was the principal theme of our conversation during the evening and when we parted for the night called after me over the bob swore as i went down stairs i was surprised when i came to mr s house to find ham walking up and down in front of it and still more surprised to learn from him that little em ly was inside i naturally inquired why he was not there too instead of pacing the street by himself why you see r he rejoined in a hesitating manner em ly she s talking to some un in here i should have thought said i smiling that that was a reason for your being in here too ham well r in a general way so be he returned but look ee here r lowering his voice and speaking very gravely it s a young woman sir a young woman that em ly once and t ought to know no more when i heard these words a light began to fall upon the figure i had seen following them some hours ago it s a poor r said ham as is trod under foot by all the town up street and down street the o the churchyard don t hold any that the folk shrink away from more did i see her to night ham on the sands after we met you keeping us in sight said ham it s like you did r not that i know d then she was sir but along of her creeping soon under em ly s little when she see the light come and ring em ly em ly for christ s sake have a woman s heart towards me i was once like you those was solemn words r fur to hear they were indeed ham what did em ly do em ly is it you oh can it be you for they had sat at work together many a day at mr s i recollect her now cried i recalling one of the two girls i had seen when i first went there i recollect her quite well i said ham two or three year older than em ly but was at the school with her the personal history and experience i never heard her name said i i didn t mean to interrupt you for the matter o that r replied ham all s told a most in them words em ly em ly for christ s sake have a woman s heart towards me i was once like you she wanted to speak to em ly em ly couldn t speak to her for her loving uncle was come home and he wouldn t no r said ham with great earnestness he couldn t kind tender hearted as he is see them two together
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side by side for all the treasures that s wrecked in the sea i felt how true this was i knew it on the instant quite as well as ham so em ly writes in pencil on a bit of paper he pursued and gives it to her oat o to bring here show that she says to my aunt mrs and she set you down by her fire for the love of me till uncle is gone out and i can come by and by she tells me what i tell you r and asks me to bring her what can i do she t ought to know any such but i can t deny her when the tears is on her face he put his hand into the breast of his shaggy jacket and took out with great care a pretty little purse and if i could deny her when the tears was on her face r said ham tenderly it on the rough palm of his hand how could i deny her when she give me this to carry for her knowing what she brought it for such a toy as it is said ham thoughtfully looking on it with such a little money in it em ly my dear i shook him warmly by the hand when he had put it away again for that was more satisfactory to me than saying anything and we walked up and down for a minute or two in silence the door opened then and appeared to ham to come in i would have kept away but she came after me me to come in too even then i would have avoided the room where they all were but for its being the neat kitchen i have mentioned more than once the door opening immediately into it i found myself among them before i considered whither i was going the girl the same i had seen upon the sands was near the fire she was sitting on the ground with her head and one arm lying on a chair i fancied from the disposition of her figure that em ly had but newly risen from the chair and that the forlorn head might perhaps have been lying on her lap i saw but little of the girl s face over which her hair fell loose and scattered as if she had been it with her own hands but i saw that she was young and of a fair complexion had been crying so had little em ly not a word was spoken when we first went in and the dutch clock by the seemed in the silence to twice as loud as usual em ly spoke first wants she said to ham to go to london why to london returned ham he stood between them looking on the prostrate girl with a mixture of compassion for her and of jealousy of her holding any companionship with her whom he loved so well which i have always remembered distinctly they both spoke as if she were ill in a soft suppressed tone that was plainly heard although it hardly rose above a whisper better there than here said a third voice aloud s though o of david she did not move no one knows me there everybody knows me here what will she do there inquired ham she lifted up her head and looked darkly round at him for a moment then laid it down again and curved her right arm about her neck es a woman in a fever or in an agony of pain from a shot might twist herself she will try to do well said little em ly you don t know what she has said to us does he do they aunt shook her head i try said if you help me away i never can do worse than i have done here i may do better oh with a dreadful shiver take me out of these streets where the whole town knows me from a child as em ly held out her hand to ham i saw him put in it a canvas bag she took it as if she thought it were her purse and made a step or two forward but finding her mistake came back to where he had retired near me and showed it to him it s all em ly i could hear him say i haven t in all the that ain t my dear it ain t of no delight to me except for you the tears rose in her eyes but she turned away and went to what she gave her i don t know i saw her stooping over her and putting money in her bosom she whispered something and asked was that enough more than enough the other said and took her hand and kissed it then arose and gathering her shawl about her covering her face with it and weeping aloud went slowly to the door she stopped a moment before going out as if she would have uttered something or turned back but no word passed her making the same low dreary wretched moaning in her shawl she went away as the door closed little em ly looked at us three in a hurried manner and then hid her face in her hands and fell to sobbing t em ly said ham tapping her gently on the shoulder t my dear you t ought to cry so pretty oh ham she exclaimed still weeping i am not as good a girl as i ought to be i know i have not the thankful heart sometimes i ought to have yes yes you have i m sure said ham no no no cried little em ly sobbing and shaking her head i am not as good a girl as i ought to be not near not
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near and still she cried as if her heart would break i try your love too much i know i do she sobbed i m often cross to you and with you when i ought to be far different you are never so to me why am i ever so to you when i should think of nothing but how to be grateful and to make you happy you always make me so said ham my dear i am happy in the sight of you i am happy all day long in the thoughts of you ah that s not enough she cried that is because you are good not because i am oh my dear it might have been a better fortune for you if you had been fond of some one else of some one and the personal history and experience much than me who was all bound up in you and and like me poor little tender heart said ham in a low voice her altogether please aunt sobbed em ly come here and let me lay my head upon you oh i am very miserable to night aunt oh i am not as good a girl as i ought to be i am not i know had hastened to the chair before the fire em ly with her arms around her neck by her looking up most earnestly into her face oh pray aunt try to help me ham dear try to help me mr david for the sake of old times do please try to help me i want to be a better girl than i am i want to feel a hundred times more thankful than i do i want to feel more what a blessed thing it is to be the wife of a good man and to lead a peaceful life oh me oh me oh my heart my heart she dropped her face on my old nurse s breast and ceasing this which in its agony and grief was half a woman s half a child s as all her was being in that more natural and better suited to her beauty as i thought than any other manner could have been wept silently while my old nurse hushed her like an infant she got calmer by degrees and then we soothed her now talking and now a little with her until she began to raise her head and speak to us so we got on until she was able to smile and then to laugh and then to sit up half ashamed while recalled her stray dried her eyes and made her neat again lest her uncle should wonder when she got home why his darling had been crying i saw her do that night what i had never seen her do before i saw her innocently kiss her chosen husband on the cheek and creep close to his bluff form as if it were her best support when they went away together in the moonlight and i looked after them comparing their departure in my mind with s i saw that she held his arm with both her hands and still kept close to him chapter i mr dick and choose a profession when i awoke in the morning i thought very much of little em ly and her emotion last night after had left i felt as if i had come into the knowledge of those domestic weaknesses and in a sacred confidence and that to disclose them even to would be wrong i had no feeling towards any one than towards the pretty creature who had been my and whom i have always been persuaded and shall always be persuaded to my dying day i then loved the repetition to any ears even to st s of david i of what she had been unable to repress when her heart lay open to me by an accident i felt would be a rough deed unworthy of myself unworthy of the light of our pure childhood which i always saw her head i made a resolution therefore to keep it in my own breast and there it gave her image a new grace while we were at breakfast a letter was delivered to me from my aunt as it contained matter on which i thought could advise me as well as any one and on which i knew i should be delighted to consult him i resolved to make it a subject of discussion on our journey home for the present we had enough to do in taking leave of all our friends mr was far from being the last among them in his regret at our departure and i believe would even have opened the box again and sacrificed another guinea if it would have kept us eight and forty hours in and all her family were full of grief at our going the whole house of and turned out to bid us good bye and there were so many in attendance on when our went to the coach that if we had had the baggage of a regiment with us we should hardly have wanted to carry it in a word we departed to the regret and admiration of all concerned and left a great many people very sorry behind us do you stay long here said i as he stood waiting to see the coach start no sir he replied probably not very long sir he can hardly say just now observed carelessly he knows what he has to do and he do it that i am sure he will said i touched his hat in acknowledgment of my good opinion and i felt about eight years old he touched it once more wishing us a good journey and we left him standing on the pavement as respectable a mystery as any in egypt for some little time we held no conversation being
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my aunt cried outright as she embraced me and said pretending to laugh that if my poor mother had been alive that silly little creature would have shed tears she had no doubt so you have left mr dick behind aunt said i i am sorry for that ah how do you do as hoping i was well i observed my aunt s very much i am sorry for it too said my aunt rubbing her nose i have had no peace of mind trot since i have been here before i could ask why she told me i am convinced said my aunt laying her hand with melancholy firmness on the table that dick s character is not a character to keep the off i am confident he wants strength of purpose i ought to have left at home instead and then my mind might perhaps have been at ease if ever there was a donkey on my green said my aunt with emphasis there was one this afternoon at four o clock a cold feeling came over me from head to foot and i know it was a donkey i tried to comfort her on this point but she rejected consolation it was a donkey said my aunt and it was the one with the tail which that sister of a woman rode when she came to my house this had been ever since the only name my aunt knew for miss if there is any donkey in whose audacity it is harder to me to bear than another s that said my aunt striking the table is the animal ventured to suggest that my aunt might be disturbing herself and that she believed the donkey in question was then engaged in the sand and gravel line of business and was not available for purposes of but my aunt wouldn t hear of it k the personal history and experience supper was comfortably served and hot though my s rooms were very high up whether that she might have more stone stairs for her money or might be nearer to the door in the roof i don t know and consisted of a roast fowl a and some vegetables to all of which i did ample justice and which were all excellent but my aunt had her own ideas concerning london provision and ate but little i suppose this unfortunate fowl was born and brought up in a cellar said my aunt and never took the air except on a coach stand i hope the may be beef but i don t believe it nothing s genuine in the place in my opinion but the dirt don t you think the fowl may have come out of the country aunt i hinted certainly not returned my aunt it would be no pleasure to a london to sell anything which was what he pretended it was i did not venture to this opinion but i made a good supper which it greatly satisfied her to see me do when the table was cleared assisted her to arrange her hair to put on her which was of a construction than usual in case of fire my aunt said and to fold her gown back over her knees these being her usual preparations for warming herself before going to bed i then made her according to certain established from which no however slight could ever be permitted a glass of hot white wine and water and a of toast cut into long thin with these we were left alone to finish the evening my aunt sitting opposite to me drinking her wine and water her of toast in it one by one before eating them and looking on me from among the borders of her well trot she began what do you think of the plan or have you not begun to think about it yet i have thought a good deal about it my dear aunt and i have talked a good deal about it with i like it very much indeed i like it exceedingly come said my aunt that s cheering i have only one difficulty aunt say what it is trot she returned why i want to ask aunt as this seems from what i understand to be a limited profession whether my entrance into it would not be very expensive it will cost returned my aunt to article you just a thousand pounds now my dear aunt said i drawing my chair nearer i am uneasy in my mind about that it s a large sum of money you have expended a great deal on my education and have always been as liberal to me in all things as it was possible to be you have been the soul of generosity surely there are some ways in which i might begin life with hardly any and yet begin with a good hope of getting on by resolution and exertion are you sure that it would not be better to try that course are you certain that you can afford to part with so money and that it is right it be so expended i only ask you my second mother to consider are you certain of david my aunt finished eating the piece of toast on which she was then engaged looking me full in the face all the while and then setting her glass on the chimney piece and folding her hands upon her folded skirts replied as follows trot my child if i have any object in life it is to provide for your being a good a sensible and a happy man i am bent upon it so is dick i should hke some people that i know to hear dick s conversation on the subject its sagacity is wonderful but no one knows the resources of that man s intellect except myself she stopped for a moment to take
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my hand between hers and went on it s in vain trot to recall the past unless it works some influence upon the present perhaps i might have been better friends with your poor father perhaps i might have been better friends with that poor child your mother even after your sister disappointed me when you came to me a little boy all dusty and perhaps i thought so that time until now trot you have ever been a credit to me and a pride and pleasure i have no other claim upon my means at least here to my surprise she hesitated and was confused no i have no other claim upon my means and you are my adopted child only be a loving child to me in my age and bear with my and fancies and you will do more for an old woman whose prime of life was not so happy or as it might have been than ever that old woman did for you it was the first time i had heard my aunt refer to her past history there was a in her quiet way of doing so and of it which would have exalted her in my respect and affection if any thing could all is agreed and understood between us now trot said my aunt and we need talk of this no more give me a kiss and we go to the after breakfast to morrow we had a long chat by the fire before we went to bed i slept in a room on the same floor with my aunt s and was a disturbed in the course of the night by her knocking at my door as often as she was agitated by a distant sound of or market carts and inquiring if i heard the engines but towards morning she slept better and suffered me to do so too at about mid day we set out for the offices of messrs and in doctors my aunt who had this other general opinion in reference to london that every man she saw was a gave me her purse to carry for her which had ten guineas in it and some silver we made a pause at the toy shop in street to see the giants of saint s strike upon the bells we had timed our going so as to catch them at it at twelve o clock and then went on towards hill and st paul s churchyard we were crossing to the former place when i found that my aunt greatly her speed and looked frightened i observed at the same time that a lowering ill dressed man who had stopped and stared at us in passing a little before was coming so close after us as to brush against her trot my dear trot cried my aunt in a terrified whisper and pressing my arm i don t know what i am to do the personal history and experience don t be alarmed said i there s nothing to be afraid of step into a shop and i soon get rid of this fellow no no child she returned don t speak to him for the world i entreat i order you good heaven aunt said i he is nothing but a sturdy beggar you don t know what he is replied my aunt you don t know who he is you don t know what you say we had stopped in an empty doorway while this was passing and he had stopped too don t look at him said my aunt as i turned my head indignantly but get me a coach my dear and wait for me in st paul s churchyard wait for you t repeated yes rejoined my aunt i must go alone i must go with him with him aunt this man i am in my senses she replied and i tell you i must get me a coach however much astonished i might be i was sensible that i had no right to refuse compliance with such a command i hurried away a few paces and called a chariot which was passing empty almost before i could let down the steps my aunt sprang in i don t know how and the man followed she waved her hand to me to go away so earnestly that all confounded as i was i turned from them at once in doing so i heard her say to the coachman drive anywhere drive straight on and presently the chariot passed me going up the hill what mr dick had told me and what i had supposed to be a delusion of his now came into my mind i could not doubt that this person was the person of whom he had made such mysterious mention though what the nature of his hold upon my aunt could possibly be i was quite unable to imagine after half an hour s in the churchyard i saw the chariot coming back the driver stopped beside me and my aunt was sitting in it alone she had not yet sufficiently recovered from her agitation to be quite prepared for the visit we had to make she desired me to get into the chariot and to tell the coachman to drive slowly up and down a little while she said no more except my dear child never ask me what it was and don t refer to it until she had perfectly regained her composure when she told me she was quite herself now and we might get out on her giving me her purse to pay the driver i found that all the guineas were gone and only the loose silver remained doctors was approached by a little low before we had taken many paces down the street beyond it the noise of the city seemed to melt as if by magic into a
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softened distance a few dull courts and narrow ways brought us to the sky lighted offices of and in the of which temple accessible to without the ceremony of knocking three or four clerks were at work as one of these a little dry man sitting by himself who wore a stiff brown wig that looked as if it were made of rose to receive my aunt and show us into mr s room mr s in court ma am said the dry man it s an arches day but it s close by and i send for him directly as we were left to look about us while mr was fetched i op david ld availed myself of the opportunity the furniture of the room was and dusty and the green on the top of the writing table had lost all its color and was as withered and pale as an old there were a great many bundles of papers on it some as and some to my surprise as and some as being in the court and some in the arches court and some in the court and some in the court and some in the court giving me occasion to wonder much how many courts there might be in the gross and how long it would take to understand them all besides these there were sundry immense manuscript books of evidence taken on strongly bound and tied together in massive sets a set to each cause as if every cause were a history in ten or twenty volumes all this looked tolerably expensive i thought and gave me an agreeable notion of a s business i was casting my eyes with increasing complacency over these and many similar objects when hasty footsteps were heard in the room outside and mr in a black gown trimmed with white fur came hurrying in taking off his hat as he came he was a little light haired gentleman with boots and the of white and shirt he was up mighty trim and tight and must have taken a great deal of pains with his whiskers which were accurately curled his gold watch chain was so massive that a fancy came across me that he ought to have a golden arm to draw it out with hke those which are put up over the shops he was got up with such care and was so stiff that he could hardly bend himself being obliged when he glanced at some papers on his desk after sitting down in his chair to move his whole body from the bottom of his like punch i had previously been presented by my aunt and had been courteously received he now said and so mr you think of entering into our profession i casually mentioned to miss when i had the pleasure of an interview with her the other day with another inclination of his body punch again that there was a here miss was good enough to mention that she had a nephew who was her peculiar care and for whom she was seeking to provide in life that nephew i believe i have now the pleasure of punch again i bowed my and said my aunt had mentioned to me that there was that opening and that i believed i should like it very much that i was strongly inclined to like it and had taken immediately to the proposal that i could not absolutely pledge myself to like it until i knew something more about it that although it was little else than a matter of form i presumed i should have an opportunity of trying how i liked it before i bound myself to it oh surely surely said mr we always in this house propose a month an month i should be happy myself to propose two months three an indefinite period in fact but i have a partner mr and the sir i returned is a thousand pounds and the stamp included is a thousand pounds said mr as i have mentioned to miss i am by no considerations few men are less so i but the personal history and experience mr has his opinions on these subjects and i am bound to respect mr s opinions mr thinks a thousand pounds too little in short i suppose sir said i still desiring to spare my aunt that it is not the custom here if an clerk were particularly useful and made himself a perfect master of his profession i not help blushing this looked so like myself i suppose it is not the custom in the later years of his time to allow him any mr by a great effort just lifted his head far enough out of his to shake it and answered the word salary no i will not say what consideration i might give to that point myself mr if i were mr is immovable i was quite dismayed by the idea of this terrible but i found out afterwards that he was a mild man of a heavy temperament whose place in the business was to keep himself in the back ground and be constantly exhibited by name as the most and of men if a clerk wanted his salary raised mr wouldn t listen to such a proposition if a were slow to settle his bill of costs mr was resolved to have it paid and however painful these things might be and always were to the feelings of mr mr would have his bond the heart and hand of the good angel would have been always open but for the demon as i have grown older i think i have had experience of some other houses doing business on the principle of and it was settled that i should begin my month s as soon as i pleased and that my aunt
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single combat of some duration they returned and i saw to my joy both in mrs s countenance and in my aunt s that the deed was done s it the last s furniture inquired my aunt yes it is ma am said mrs what s become of him asked my aunt mrs was taken with a troublesome cough in the midst of which she with much difficulty he was took ill here ma am and dear me and he died hey what did he die of asked my aunt well ma am he died of drink said mrs in confidence and smoke smoke you don t mean chimneys said my aunt no ma am returned mrs cigars and pipes that s not catching trot at any rate remarked my aunt turning to me no indeed said i in short my aunt seeing how i was with the premises took them for a month with leave to remain for twelve months when that time was out mrs was to find linen and to cook every other necessary was already provided and mrs expressly intimated that she should always towards me as a son i was to take possession the day after to morrow and mrs said thank heaven she had now found she could care for on our way back my aunt informed me how she confidently trusted that the life i was now to lead would make me firm and self which was all i wanted she repeated this several times next day in the intervals of our arranging for the of my clothes and books from mr s relative to which and to all my late holiday i wrote a long letter to of which my aunt took charge as she was to leave on the succeeding day not to these particulars i need only add that she made a handsome provision for all my possible wants during my month of trial that to my great disappointment and hers too did not make his appearance before she went away hat i saw her safely seated in the coach in the coming discomfiture of the with at her side and that when the coach was gone i turned my face to the pondering on the old days when i used to about its arches and on the happy changes which had brought me to the surface of david xxiv my first it was a wonderfully fine thing to have that lofty castle to myself and to feel when i shut my outer door like when he had got into his and pulled his ladder up after him it was a wonderfully fine thing to walk about town with the key of my house in my pocket and to know that i could ask any fellow to come home and make quite sure of its being inconvenient to nobody if it were not so to me it was a wonderfully fine thing to let myself in and out and to come and go without a word to any one and to ring mrs up gasping from the depths of the earth when i wanted her and when she was disposed to come all this i say was wonderfully fine but i must say too that there were times when it was very dreary it was fine in the morning particularly in the fine mornings it looked a very fresh free life by daylight still and more free by sunlight but as the day declined the life seemed to go down too i don t know how it was it seldom looked well by candle light i wanted somebody to talk to then i missed i found a tremendous blank in the place of that smiling of my confidence mrs appeared to be a long way off i thought about my who had died of drink and smoke and i could have wished he had been so good as to live and not bother me with his after two days and nights i felt as if i had lived there for a year and yet i was not an hour older but was quite as much tormented by my own as ever not yet appearing which induced me to apprehend that he must be ill i left the early on the third day and walked out to mrs was very glad to see me and said that he had gone away with one of his oxford friends to see another who lived near st but that she expected him to return to morrow i was so fond of him that i felt quite jealous of his oxford friends as she pressed me to stay to dinner i remained and i believe we talked about nothing but him all day i told her how much the people liked him at and what a delightful companion he had been miss was full of hints and mysterious questions but took a great interest in all our proceedings there and said was it really though and so forth so often that she got everything out of me she wanted to know her appearance was exactly what i have described it when i first saw her but the society of the two ladies was so agreeable and came so natural to me that i felt myself falling a little in love with her i could not help thinking several times in the course of the evening and particularly when i walked home at night what delightful company she would be in street i was taking my coffee and roll in the morning before going to the and i may observe in this place that it is surprising how much coffee mrs used and how weak it was considering when himself walked in to my unbounded joy the personal history and experience my dear cried i i began to think i should never see you again i was carried off by force
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of arms said the ery next morning after i got home why what a rare old bachelor you are here i showed him over the establishment not the with no little pride and he commended it highly i tell you what old boy he added i shall make quite a town house of this place unless you give me notice to quit this was a delightful hearing i told him if he waited for that he would have to wait till but you shall have some breakfast said i with my hand on the bell rope and mrs shall make you some fresh coffee and i toast you some bacon in a bachelor s dutch oven that i have got here no no said don t ring i can t i am going to breakfast with one of these fellows who is at the hotel in garden but you come back to dinner said i i can t upon my life there s nothing i should like better but i must remain with these two fellows we are all three off together to morrow morning then bring them here to dinner i returned do you think they would come oh they would come fast enough said but we should inconvenience you you had better come and dine with us somewhere i would not by any means consent to this for it occurred to me that i really ought to have a little and that there never could be a better opportunity i had a new pride in my rooms after his approval of them and burned with a desire to develop their utmost resources i therefore made him promise positively in the names of his two friends and we appointed six o clock as the dinner hour when he was gone i rang for mrs and acquainted her with my desperate design mrs said in the first place of course it was well known she couldn t be expected to wait but she knew a handy young man who she thought could be prevailed upon to do it and whose terms would be five shillings and what i pleased i said certainly we would have him next mrs said it was clear she couldn t be in two places at once which i felt to be reasonable and that a young stationed in the with a bed room candle there never to from washing plates would be indispensable i said what would be the expense of this young female and mrs said she supposed eighteen pence would neither make me nor break me i said i supposed not and that was settled then mrs said now about the dinner it was a remarkable instance of want of on the part of the who had made mrs s kitchen fire place that it was capable of cooking nothing but and potatoes as to a mrs said well would t only come and look at the range she couldn t say fairer than that would i come and look at it as i should not have been much the wiser if i had looked at it i declined and said never mind fish but mrs said don t say that was in and why not them so that was settled mrs then of david said what she would recommend would be this a pair of hot roast fowls from the cook s a dish of beef with vegetables from the cook s two little corner things as a raised pie and a dish of from the cook s a and if i liked a shape of from the cook s this mrs said would leave her at full liberty to her mind on the potatoes and to serve up the cheese and as she could wish to see it done i acted on mrs s opinion and gave the order at the cook s myself walking along the strand afterwards and observing a hard substance in the window of a ham and beef shop which resembled marble but was mock i went in and bought a of it which i have since seen reason to believe would have for fifteen people this preparation mrs after some difficulty consented to warm up and it shrunk so much in a liquid state that we found it what called rather a tight fit for four these preparations happily completed i bought a little in garden market and gave a rather extensive order at a wine merchant s in that vicinity when i came home in the afternoon and saw the bottles drawn up in a square on the floor they looked so numerous though there were two missing which made mrs very uncomfortable that i was absolutely frightened at them one of s friends was named and the other they were both very gay and lively fellows something older than youthful looking and should say not more than twenty i observed that the latter always spoke of himself as a man and seldom or never in the first person singular a man might get on very well here mr said meaning himself it s not a bad situation said i and the rooms are really i hope you have both brought with you said upon my honour returned town seems to a man s appetite a man is hungry all day long a man is perpetually eating being a little embarrassed at first and feeling much too young to i made take the head of the table when dinner was announced and seated myself opposite to him everything was very good we did not spare the wine and he exerted himself so brilliantly to make the thing pass off well that there was no pause in our i was not quite such good company during dinner as i could have wished to be for my chair was opposite the door and my attention was distracted by observing that the handy
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young man went out of the room very often and that his shadow always presented itself immediately afterwards on the wall of the entry with a bottle at its mouth the young likewise occasioned me some uneasiness not so much by to wash the plates as by breaking them for being of an inquisitive disposition and unable to confine herself as her positive instructions were to the she was constantly peering in at us and constantly imagining herself detected in which belief she several times retired upon the plates with which she had carefully paved the floor and did a great deal of destruction these however were small and easily forgotten when the the personal history and experience cloth was cleared and the put on the table at which period of the entertainment the handy young man was discovered to be speechless giving him private directions to seek the society of mrs and to remove the young to the also i abandoned myself to enjoyment i began by being singularly cheerful and light hearted all sorts of half forgotten things to talk about came rushing into my mind and made me hold forth in a most unwonted manner i laughed heartily at my own jokes and everybody else s called to order for not passing the wine made several engagements to go to oxford announced that i meant to have a dinner party exactly like that once a week until further notice and madly took so much snuff out of s box that i was obliged to go into the and have a private fit of ten minutes long i went on by passing the wine faster and faster yet and continually starting up with a to open more wine long before any was needed i proposed s health i said he was my dearest friend the protector of my boyhood and the companion of my prime i said i was delighted to propose his health i said i owed him more obligations than i could ever repay and held him in a higher admiration than i could ever express i finished by saying i give you god bless him we gave him three times three and another and a good one to finish with i broke my glass in going round the table to shake hands with him and i said in two words ence i went on by finding suddenly that somebody was in the middle of a song was the singer and he sang when the heart of a man is depressed with care he said when he had sung it he would give us woman i took objection to that and i couldn t allow it i said it was not a respectful way of proposing the toast and i would never permit that toast to be drunk in my house otherwise than as the ladies i was very high with him mainly i think because i saw and laughing at me or at him or at both of us he said a man was not to be dictated to i said a man was he said a man was not to be insulted then i said he was right there never under my roof where the were sacred and the laws of hospitality he said it was no from a man s dignity to confess that i was a devilish good fellow i instantly proposed health somebody was smoking we were all smoking i was smoking and trying to suppress a rising tendency to shudder had made a speech about me in the course of which i had been affected almost to tears i returned thanks and hoped the present company would dine with me to morrow and the day after each day at five o clock that we might enjoy the pleasures of conversation and society through a long evening i felt called upon to propose an individual i would give them my aunt miss the best of her sex somebody was leaning out of my bed room window refreshing his forehead against the cool stone of the and feeling the air upon his face it was myself i was addressing myself as and op david saying why did you try to smoke you might have known you couldn t do it now somebody was contemplating his features in the looking glass that was i too i was very pale in the my eyes had a vacant appearance and my hair only my hair nothing looked drunk somebody said to me let us go to the theatre there was no bed room before me but again the table covered with glasses the lamp on my right hand on my left and opposite all sitting in a mist and a long way off the theatre to be sure the very thing come along but they must excuse me if i saw everybody out first and turned the lamp off in case of fire owing to some confusion in the dark the door was gone i was feeling for it in the window curtains when laughing took me by the arm and led me out we went down stairs one behind another near the bottom somebody fell and rolled down somebody else said it was i was angry at that false report until finding myself on my back in the passage i began to think there might be some foundation for it a very night with great rings round the lamps in the streets there was an indistinct talk of its being wet considered it frosty me under a lamp post and put my hat into shape which somebody produced from somewhere in a most extraordinary manner for i hadn t had it on before then said you are all right are you not and i told him a man sitting in a pigeon hole place looked out of the fog and took money from somebody inquiring if i
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was one of the gentlemen paid for and appearing rather doubtful as i remember in the glimpse i had of him whether to take the money for me or not shortly afterwards we were very high up in a very hot theatre looking down into a large pit that seemed to me to smoke the people with whom it was crammed were so indistinct there was a great stage too looking very clean and smooth after the streets and there were people upon it talking about something or other but not at all there was an abundance of bright lights and there was music and there were ladies down in the boxes and i don t know what more the whole building looked to me as if it were learning to swim it conducted itself in such an unaccountable manner when i tried to steady it on somebody s motion we resolved to go down stairs to the where the ladies were a gentleman lounging full dressed on a sofa with an opera glass in his hand passed before my view and also my own figure at full length in a glass then i was being ushered into one of these boxes and found myself saying something as i sat down and people about me crying silence to somebody and ladies casting indignant glances at me and what yes sitting on the seat before me in the same box with a lady and gentleman beside her whom i didn t know i see her face now better than i did then i dare say with its look of regret and wonder turned me i said thickly hush pray she answered i could not conceive why you disturb the company look at the stage the personal history and experience i tried on her to fix it and to hear something of what was going on there but quite in vain i looked at her again by and by and saw her shrink into her corner and put her hand to her forehead i said i yes yes do not mind me she returned listen are you going away soon i repeated yes i had a stupid intention of replying that i was going to wait to hand her down stairs i suppose i expressed it somehow for after she had looked at me attentively for a little while she appeared to understand and replied in a low tone i know you will do as i ask you if i tell you i am very earnest in it go away now for my sake and ask your friends to take you home she had so far improved me for the time that though i was angry with her i felt ashamed and with a short which i intended for good night got up and went away they followed and i stepped at once out of the box door into my bedroom where only was with me helping me to and where i was by turns telling him that was my sister and him to bring the that i might open another bottle of wine how somebody lying in my bed lay saying and doing all this over again at cross purposes in a feverish dream all night the bed a rocking sea that was never still how as that somebody slowly settled down into myself did i begin to and feel as if my outer covering of skin were a hard board my tongue the bottom of an empty kettle with long service and burning up over a slow fire the palms of my hands hot plates of metal which no ice could cool but the agony of mind the remorse and shame i felt when i became conscious next day my horror of having committed a thousand i had forgotten and which nothing could ever my recollection of that look which had given me the impossibility of communicating with her not knowing beast that i was how she came to be in london or where she stayed my disgust of the very sight of the room where the had been held my head the smell of smoke the sight of glasses the impossibility of going out or even getting up oh what a day it was oh what an evening when i sat down by my fire to a basin of mutton all over with fat and thought i was going the way of my and should succeed to his dismal story as well as to his chambers and had half a mind to rush express to and reveal all what an evening when mrs coming in to take away the basin produced one on a cheese plate as the entire remains of yesterday s feast and i was really inclined to fall upon her breast and say in oh mrs mrs never mind the broken i am very miserable only that i doubted even at that pass if mrs were quite the sort of woman to confide in op david chapter good and bad angels i was going out at my door on the morning after that deplorable day of headache sickness and repentance with an odd confusion in my mind relative to the date of my dinner party as if a body of had taken an enormous and pushed the day before yesterday some months back when i saw a ticket porter coming up stairs with a letter in his hand he was taking his time about his errand then but when he saw me on the top of the staircase looking at him over the he swung into a trot and came up panting as if he had run himself into a state of exhaustion t said the ticket porter touching his hat with his little cane i could scarcely lay claim to the name i was so disturbed by the conviction that the letter came from however i
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told him i was t and he believed it and gave me the letter which he said required an answer i shut him out on the landing to wait for the answer and went into my chambers again in such a nervous state that i was fain to lay the letter down on my breakfast table r and myself with the outside of it a little before i could resolve to break the seal i found when i did open it that it was a very kind note containing no reference to my condition at the theatre all it said was my dear i am staying at the house of papa s agent mr in place will you come and see me to day at any time you like to ever yours affectionately it took me such a long time to write an answer at all to my satisfaction that i don t know what the ticket porter can have thought unless he thought i was learning to write i must have written half a dozen answers at least i began one how can i ever hope my dear to from your remembrance the disgusting impression there i didn t uke it and then i tore it up i began another has observed my dear how strange it is that a man should put an enemy into his mouth that reminded me of and it got no farther i even tried poetry i began one note in a six syllable line oh do not remember but that associated itself with the fifth of november and became an absurdity after many attempts i wrote my dear your letter is like you and what could i say of it that would be higher praise than that i will come at four o clock affectionately and sorrowfully t c with this which i was in twenty minds at once about recalling as soon as it was out of my hands the ticket porter at last departed if the day were half as tremendous to any other professional gentleman in doctors as it was to me i sincerely believe he made some s the personal history and experience for his share in that rotten old cheese although i left the office at half past three and was about the place of appointment within a few minutes afterwards the appointed time was exceeded by a full quarter of an hour according to the clock of st s before i could muster up sufficient desperation to pull the private bell handle let into the left hand door post of mr s house the professional business of mr s establishment was done on the ground floor and the genteel business of which there was a good deal in the upper part of the building i was shown into a pretty but rather close drawing room and there sat a purse she looked so quiet and good and reminded me so strongly of my any fresh school days at and the smoky stupid wretch i had been the other night that nobody being by i yielded to my self reproach and shame and in short made a fool of myself i cannot deny that i shed tears to this hour i am whether it was upon the whole the wisest thing i could have done or the most ridiculous if it had been any one but you said i turning away my head i should not have minded it half so much but that it should have been you who saw me i almost wish i had been dead first she put her hand its touch was like no other hand upon my arm for a moment and i felt so and comforted that i could not help moving it to my lips and gratefully kissing it sit down said cheerfully don t be unhappy if you cannot confidently trust me whom will you trust ah i returned you are my good angel she smiled rather sadly i thought and shook her head tes my good angel always my good angel if i were indeed she returned there is one thing that i should set my heart on very much i looked at her but already with a of her meaning on warning you said with a steady glance against your bad angel my dear i began if you mean i do she returned then you wrong him very much he my bad angel or anyone s he anything but a guide a support and a friend to me my dear now is it not unjust and unlike you to judge him from what you saw of me the other night i do not judge him from what i saw of you the other night she quietly replied from what then from many things trifles in themselves but they do not seem to me to be so when they are put together i judge him partly from your account of him and your character and the influence he has over you there was always something in her modest voice that seemed to touch a within me answering to that sound alone it was always earnest but when it was very earnest as it was now there was a thrill op in it that quite subdued me i sat looking at her as she cast her eyes down on her work i sat seeming still to listen to her and in spite of all my attachment to him darkened in that tone it is very bold in me said looking up again who have lived in such seclusion and can know so little of the world to give you my advice so confidently or even to have this strong opinion but i know in what it is in how true a remembrance of our having grown up together and in how true an interest in all relating to you it
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obscure corner so soon that i had some difficulty in making him out at length i had a good view of him and either my vision deceived me or it was the old unfortunate i made my way to mr and said that i believed i had the pleasure of seeing an old there indeed said mr surprised you are too young to have been at school with mr henry oh i don t mean him i returned i mean the gentleman named oh aye aye indeed said my host with much diminished interest possibly if it s really the same person said i glancing towards him it was at a place called house where we were together and he was an excellent fellow oh yes is a good fellow returned my host nodding his head with an air of is quite a good fellow it s a curious coincidence said i it is really returned my host quite a coincidence that should be here at all as was only invited this morning when the place at table intended to be occupied by mrs henry s brother became vacant in consequence of his a very gentlemanly man mrs henry s brother mr murmured an assent which was full of feeling considering that i knew nothing at all about him and i inquired what mr was by profession s oe david returned mr is a young man reading for the bar yes he is quite a good fellow nobody s enemy but his own is he his own enemy said i sorry to hear this well returned mr up his mouth and playing with his watch chain in a comfortable prosperous sort of way i should say he was one of those men who stand in their own light yes i should say he would never for example be worth five hundred pound was recommended to me by a professional friend oh yes yes he has a kind of talent for drawing and stating a ease in writing plainly i am able to throw something in s way in the course of the year something for him considerable oh yes yes i was much impressed by the extremely comfortable and satisfied manner in which mr delivered himself of this little word yes every now and then there was wonderful expression in it it completely conveyed the idea of a man who had been born not to say with a silver spoon but with a ladder and had gone on mounting all the heights of life one after another until now he looked from the top of the with the eye of a philosopher and a patron on the people down in the my reflections on this theme were still in progress when dinner was announced mr went down with hamlet s aunt mr henry took mrs whom i should have liked to take myself was given to a fellow with weak legs and i as the junior part of the company went down last how we could i was not so vexed at losing as i might have been since it gave me an opportunity of making myself known to on the stairs who greeted me with great while with such satisfaction and self that i could gladly have pitched him over the and i were separated at table being in two remote corners he in the glare of a red velvet lady i in the gloom of hamlet s aunt the dinner was very long and the conversation was about the aristocracy and blood mrs repeatedly told us that if she had a weakness it was blood it occurred to me several times that we should have got on better if we had not been quite so genteel we were so exceedingly genteel that our scope was very limited a mr and mrs were of the party who had something to do at second hand at least mr had with the law business of the bank and what with the bank and what with the treasury we were as exclusive as the court circular to mend the matter hamlet s aunt had the family failing of indulging in and held forth in a manner by herself on every topic that was introduced these were few enough to be sure but as we always fell back upon blood she had as wide a field for abstract speculation as her nephew himself we might have been a party of the conversation assumed such a sanguine complexion i confess i am of mrs s opinion said mr with his wine glass at his eye other things are all very well in their way but give me blood oh there is nothing observed hamlet s aunt so satisfactory to one there is nothing that is so much one s beau ideal of of all that sort the personal history and experience of thing speaking generally there are some low minds not many i am happy to believe but there are some that would prefer to do what should call bow down before positively before services intellect and so on but these are points blood is not so we see blood in a nose and we know it we meet with it in a chin and we say there it is that s blood it is an actual matter of fact we point it out it admits of no doubt the fellow with the weak legs who had taken down stated the question more yet i thought oh you know deuce take it said this gentleman looking round the board with an smile we can t forego blood you know we must have blood you know some young fellows you know may be a little behind their station perhaps in point of education and behaviour and may go a little wrong you know and get themselves and other people into a variety of and all that
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but deuce take it it s delightful to reflect that they ve got blood in em myself i d rather at any time be knocked down by a man who had got blood in him than i d be picked up by a man who hadn t this sentiment as the general question into a gave the utmost satisfaction and brought the gentleman into great notice until the ladies retired after that i observed that mr and mr henry who had hitherto been very distant entered into a alliance against us the common enemy and exchanged a mysterious dialogue across the table for our defeat and overthrow that affair of the first bond for four thousand five hundred pounds has not taken the course that was expected said mr henry do you mean the d of a s said mr the c of b s said mr mr raised his eye brows and looked much concerned when the question was referred to lord i needn t name him said mr checking himself i understand said mr n mr darkly nodded was referred to him his answer was money or no release lord bless my soul cried mr money or no release repeated mr firmly the next in you understand me k said mr with an ominous look k then positively refused to sign he was attended at for that purpose and he point blank refused to do it mr was so interested that he became quite stony so the matter rests at this hour said mr throwing himself back in his chair our friend will excuse me if i forbear to explain myself generally on account of the magnitude of the interests involved mr was only too happy as it appeared to me to have such interests and such names even hinted at across his table he assumed an expression of gloomy intelligence though i am persuaded he knew no more about the discussion than i did and highly approved of the discretion that had been observed mr after the receipt of such m of david a confidence naturally desired to favor his friend with a confidence of his own therefore the foregoing dialogue was succeeded by another in which it was mr s turn to be surprised and that by another in which the surprise came round to mr s turn again and so on turn and turn about all this time we the remained oppressed by the tremendous interests involved in the conversation and our host regarded us with pride as the victims of a awe and astonishment i was very glad indeed to get up stairs to and to talk with her in a corner and to introduce to her who was shy but agreeable and the same good natured creature still as he was obliged to leave early on account of going away next morning for a month i had not nearly so much conversation with him as i could have wished but we exchanged addresses and promised ourselves the pleasure of another meeting when he should come back to town he was greatly interested to hear that i knew and spoke of him with such warmth that i made him tell what he thought of him but only looked at me the while and very slightly shook her head when only i observed her as she was not among people with whom i believed she could be very much at home i was almost glad to hear that she was going away within a few days though i was sorry at the prospect of parting from her again so soon this caused me to remain until all the company were gone conversing with her and hearing her sing was such a delightful to me of my happy life in the grave old house she had made so beautiful that i could have remained there half the night but having no excuse for staying any longer when the lights of mr s society were all out i took my leave very much against my inclination i felt then more than ever that she was my better angel and if i thought of her sweet face and placid smile as though they had shone on me from some removed being like an angel i hope i thought no harm i have said that the company were all gone but i ought to have whom i don t include in that and who had never ceased to near us he was close behind me when i went down stairs he was close beside me when i walked away from the house slowly fitting his long skeleton fingers into the still longer fingers of a great pair of gloves it was in no disposition for s company but in remembrance of the entreaty had made to me that i asked him if he would come home to my rooms and have some coffee oh really master he rejoined i beg your pardon but the t other comes so natural i don t like that you should put a upon yourself to ask a person like me to your there is no in the case said i will you come i should like to very much replied with a well then come along said i i could not help being rather short with but he appeared not to mind it we went the nearest way without conversing much upon the road and he was so humble in respect of those gloves that he was still putting them on and seemed to have made no advance in that labour when we got to my place i led him up the dark stairs to prevent his knocking his head against the personal history and experience anything and really damp cold hand felt so like a in mine that i was tempted to drop it and run away and hospitality prevailed however and i conducted him
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to my fireside when i lighted my candles he fell into meek with the room that was revealed to him and when i heated the coffee in an block tin vessel in which mrs delighted to prepare it chiefly i believe because it was not intended for the purpose being a pot and because there was a patent invention of great price away in the lie professed so much emotion that i could joyfully have him oh really master i mean said to see you waiting upon me is what i never could have expected but one way and another so many things happen to me which i never could have expected i am sure in my station that it seems to rain blessings on my ed you have heard something i des say of a change in my expectations master i should say as he sat on my sofa with his long knees drawn up under his his hat and gloves upon the ground close to him his spoon going softly round and round his red eyes which looked as if they had their lashes off turned towards me without looking at me the disagreeable i have formerly described in his nostrils coming and going with his breath and a his frame from his chin to his boots i decided in my own mind that i disliked him intensely it made me very uncomfortable to have him for a guest for i was young then and unused to disguise what i so strongly felt you have heard something i des say of a change in my expectations master i should say observed yes said i something ah i thought miss would know of it he quietly returned i m glad to find miss knows of it oh thank you master i could have thrown my at him it lay ready on the rug for having me into the disclosure of anything concerning however but i only drank my coffee what a prophet you have shown yourself pursued dear me what a prophet you have proved yourself to be don t you remember saying to me once that perhaps i should be a partner in mr s business and perhaps it might be and you may not recollect it but when a person is master a person treasures such things up i recollect talking about it said i though i certainly did not think it very likely then oh who would have thought it likely returned i am sure i didn t myself i recollect saying with my own lips that i was much too so i considered myself really and truly he sat with that carved grin on his looking at the fire as i looked at him but the persons master he presently resumed may be the of good i am glad to think i have been the of david instrument of good to mr and that i may be more so oh what a worthy man he is but how he has been i am to hear it said i i not help adding rather on all accounts decidedly so replied on all accounts miss s above all you don t remember your own eloquent expressions master but i remember how you said one day that everybody must admire her and how i thanked you for it tou have forgot that i have no doubt master no said i oh how glad i am you have not exclaimed to think that you should be the first to the sparks of ambition in my breast and that you ve not forgot it oh would you excuse me asking for a cup more coffee something in the emphasis he laid upon the of those sparks and something in the glance he directed at me as he said it had made me start as if i had seen him illuminated by a blaze of tight by his request preferred in quite another tone of voice i did the honors of the pot but i did them with an of hand a sudden sense of being no match for him and a perplexed suspicious anxiety as to what he might be going to say next which i felt could not escape his observation he said nothing at all he stirred his coffee round and round he it he felt his chin softly with his hand he looked at the fire he looked about the room he gasped rather than smiled at me he and about in his he stirred and again but he left the renewal of the conversation to me so mr said i at last who is worth five hundred of you or me for my life i think i could not have helped dividing that part of the sentence with an awkward jerk has been has he mr keep oh very indeed master returned sighing modestly oh very much so but i wish you d call me if you please it s like old times well said i it out with some difficulty thank you he returned with thank you master it s like the blowing of old breezes or the ringing of old to hear you say i beg your pardon was i making any observation about mr i suggested oh yes truly said ah great master it s a topic that i wouldn t touch npon to any soul but you even to you i can only touch upon it and no more if any one else had been in my place during the last few years by this time he would have had mr oh what a worthy man he is master too under his thumb un der his thumb said very slowly as he stretched out his cruel looking hand above my table and pressed his own thumb down upon it until it shook and shook the room if i had been obliged to look at
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him with his foot on mr s head i think i could scarcely have hated him more oh dear yes master he proceeded in a soft voice most the personal history and experience remarkably with the action of his thumb which did not its hard pressure in the least degree there s no doubt of it there would have been loss disgrace i don t know what all mr knows it i am the instrument of serving him and he puts me on an eminence i hardly could have hoped to reach how thankful should i be with his face turned towards me as he finished but without looking at me he took his crooked thumb off the spot where he had planted it and slowly and thoughtfully scraped his jaw with it as if he were himself i recollect well how indignantly my heart beat as i saw his face with the red light of the fire upon it preparing for something else master he began but am i keeping you up you are not keeping me up i generally go to bed late thank you master i have risen from my station since first you used to address me it is true but i am still i hope i never shall be otherwise than you will not think the worse of my if i make a little confidence to you master will you oh no said i with an effort thank you he took out his pocket handkerchief and began wiping the palms of his hands miss master well oh how pleasant to be called he cried and gave himself a jerk like a fish you thought her looking very beautiful to night master i thought her looking as she always does superior in all respects to every one around her i returned oh thank you it s so true he cried oh thank you very much for that not at all i said there is no reason why you should thank me why that master said is in fact the confidence that i am going to take the liberty of as i am he wiped his hands harder and looked at them and at the fire by turns as my mother is and lowly as our poor but honest roof has ever been the image of miss i don t mind trusting you with my secret master for i have always towards you since the first moment i had the pleasure of beholding you in a has been in my breast for years oh master with what a pure affection do i love the ground my walks on i believe i had a idea of seizing the red hot out of the fire and running him through with it it went from me with a shock like a ball fired from a rifle but the image of outraged by so much as a thought of this red headed animal s remained in my mind when i looked at him sitting all as if his mean soul his body and made me giddy he seemed to swell and grow before my eyes the room seemed full of the echoes of his voice and the strange feeling to which perhaps no one is quite a stranger that all this had occurred before at some indefinite time and that i knew what he was going to say next took possession of me of david a observation of the sense of power that there was in his face did more to bring back to my remembrance the entreaty of in its full force than any effort i could have made i asked him with a better appearance of composure than i could have thought possible a minute before whether he had made his feelings known to oh no master he returned oh dear no not to any one but you you see i am only just emerging from my lowly station i rest a good deal of hope on her observing how useful i am to her father for i trust to be very useful to him indeed master and how i smooth the way for him and keep him straight she s so much attached to her father master oh what a lovely thing it is in a daughter that i think she may come on his account to be kind to me i the depth of the rascal s whole scheme and understood why he laid it bare if you have the goodness to keep my secret master he pursued and not in general to go against me i shall take it as a particular favor you wouldn t wish to make i know what a friendly heart you ve got but having only known me on my footing on my i should say for i am very still you might go against me rather with my i call her mine you see master there s a song that says i d crowns resign to call her mine hope to do it one of these days dear so much too loving and too good for any one that i could think of was it possible that she was reserved to be the wife of such a wretch as this there s no hurry at present you know master proceeded in his way as i sat gazing at him with this thought in my mind my is very young still and mother and me will have to work our way and make a good many new arrangements before it would be quite convenient so i shall have time gradually to make her with my hopes as opportunities offer oh i m so much obliged to you for this confidence oh it s such a relief you can t think to know that you understand our situation and are certain as you wouldn t wish to make in the family not to go against me he took the hand
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which i dared not withhold and having given it a damp squeeze referred to his pale faced watch dear me he said it s past one the moments slip away so in the confidence of old times master that it s almost half past one i answered that i had thought it was later not that i had really thought so but because my powers were effectually scattered dear me he said considering the that i am stopping at a sort of a private hotel and boarding master near the new ed will have gone to bed these two hours i am sorry i returned that there is only one bed here and that i oh don t think of mentioning beds master he rejoined drawing up one leg but would you have any objections to my laying down before the fire if it comes to that i said pray take my bed and i ll lie down before the fire the personal history and experience his of this offer was almost shrill enough in the excess of its surprise and humility to have penetrated to the ears of mrs then sleeping i suppose in a distant chamber situated at about the level of low water mark soothed in her by the of an clock to which she always referred me when we had any little difference on the score of and which was never less than three quarters of an hour too slow and had always been put right in the morning by the best authorities as no arguments i could urge in my bewildered condition had the least effect upon his modesty in him to accept my bed room i was obliged to make the best arrangements i could for his repose before the fire the of the sofa which was a great deal too short for his figure the sofa pillows a blanket the table cover a clean breakfast cloth and a great coat made him a bed and covering for which he was more than thankful having lent him a which he put on at once and in which he made such an awful figure that i have never worn one since i left him to his rest i never shall forget that night i never shall forget how i turned and tumbled how i wearied myself with thinking about and this creature how i considered what could i do and what ought i to do how i could come to no other conclusion than that the best course for her peace to do nothing and to keep to myself what i had heard if i went to sleep for a few moments the image of with her tender eyes and of her father looking fondly on her as i had so often seen him look arose before me with appealing faces and filled me with vague terrors when i awoke the recollection that was lying in the next room sat heavy on me like a waking night mare and oppressed me with a leaden dread as if i had had some quality of devil for a the got into my thoughts besides and wouldn t come out i thought between sleeping and waking that it was still red hot and i had snatched it out of the fire and run him through the body i was so haunted at last by the idea though i knew there was nothing in it that i stole into the next room to look at him there i saw him lying on his back with his legs extending to i don t know where taking place in his throat in his nose and his mouth open like a he was so much worse in reality than in my fancy that afterwards i was attracted to him in very and could not help wandering in and out every half hour or so and taking another look at him still the long long night seemed heavy and hopeless as ever and no promise of day was in the sky when i saw him going down stairs early in the morning for thank heaven he would not stay to breakfast it appeared to me as if the night was going away in his person when i went out to the i charged mrs with particular directions to leave the windows open that my sitting room might be and of his presence op david xxvi i pall into i saw no more of until the day when left town i was at the coach office to take leave of her and see her go and there was he returning to by the same conveyance it was some small satisfaction to me to observe his spare short high shouldered coloured great coat perched up in company with an umbrella like a small tent on the edge of the back seat on the roof while was of course inside but what i in my efforts to be friendly with him while looked on perhaps deserved that httle at the coach window as at the dinner party he hovered about us without a moment s a great himself on every syllable that i said to or said to me in the state of trouble into which his disclosure by my fire had thrown me i had thought very much of the words had used in reference to the i did what i hope was right feeling sure that it was necessary for papa s peace that the sacrifice should be made i entreated him to make it a miserable that she would yield to and sustain herself by the same feeling in reference to any sacrifice for his sake had oppressed me ever since i knew how she loved him i knew what the devotion of her nature was i knew from her own lips that she regarded herself as the innocent cause of his errors and as owing him a great debt she
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and murmured something have seen mr before the speaker was not no the confidential friend miss i don t think i was much astonished to the best of my judgment no capacity of astonishment was left in me there was nothing worth mentioning in the material world but to be astonished about i said how do you do miss i hope you are of david well she answered very well i said how is mr she replied my brother is robust i am obliged to you mr who i suppose had been surprised to see us recognise each other then put in his word i am glad to find he said that you and miss are already acquainted mr and myself said miss with severe composure are we were once slightly acquainted it was in his childish days circumstances have separated us since i should not have known him i replied that i should have known her any where which was true enough miss has had the goodness said mr to me to accept the office if i may so describe it of my daughter s confidential friend my daughter having unhappily no mother miss is obliging enough to become her companion and protector a passing thought occurred to me that miss like the pocket instrument called a life was not so much designed for purposes of protection as of assault but as i had none but passing thoughts for any subject save i glanced at her directly afterwards and was thinking that i saw in her prettily manner that she was not very much inclined to be particularly confidential to her companion and protector when a bell rang which mr said was the first and so carried me off to dress the idea of dressing one s self or doing any thing in the way of action in that state of love was a little too ridiculous i could only sit down before my fire biting the key of my carpet bag and think of the girlish bright eyed lovely what a form she had what a face she had what a graceful manner the bell rang again so soon that i made a mere scramble of my dressing instead of the careful operation i could have wished under the circumstances and went stairs there was some company was talking to an old gentleman with a grey head grey as he was and a great grandfather into the bargain for he said so i was madly jealous of him what a state of mind i was in i was jealous of everybody i couldn t bear the idea of anybody knowing mr better than i did it was to me to hear them talk of in which i had had no share when a most amiable person with a highly bald head asked me across the dinner table if that were the first occasion of my seeing the grounds i could have done anything to him that was savage and i don t remember who was there except i have not the least idea what we had for dinner besides my impression is that i dined off entirely and sent away half a dozen plates untouched i sat next to her i talked to her she had the most delightful little voice the little laugh the and most fascinating little ways that ever led a lost youth into hopeless slavery she was rather altogether so much the more precious i thought when she went out of the room with miss no other ladies were of the party i fell into a reverie only disturbed by the cruel t the personal history and experience that miss would me to her the amiable creature with the polished head told me a long story which i think was about i think i heard him say my gardener several times i seemed to pay the deepest attention to him but i was wandering in a garden of all the while with my apprehensions of being to the object of my affection were revived when we went into the drawing room by the grim and distant aspect of miss but i was relieved of them in an unexpected manner david said miss me aside into a window a word i confronted miss alone david said miss i need not upon family circumstances they are not a tempting subject far from it ma am i returned far from it assented miss i do not wish to revive the memory of past differences or of past i have received from a person a female i am sorry to say for the credit of my sex who is not to be mentioned without scorn and disgust and therefore i would rather not mention her i felt very fiery on my aunt s account but i said it would certainly be better if miss pleased not to mention her i could not hear her mentioned i added without expressing my opinion in a decided tone miss shut her eyes and inclined her head then slowly opening her eyes resumed david i shall not attempt to disguise the fact that i formed an opinion of you in your childhood it may have been a mistaken one or you may have ceased to justify it that is not in question between us now i belong to a family remarkable i believe for some firmness and i am not the creature of circumstance or change i may have my opinion of you you may have your opinion of me i inclined my head in my turn but it is not necessary said miss that these opinions should come into collision here under existing circumstances it is as well on all accounts that they should not as the chances of life have brought us together again and may bring us together on other occasions i would say let us meet here as distant acquaintances
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she is a tiresome creature said i can t think what papa can have been about when he chose such a thing to be my companion who wants a protector i am sure i don t want a protector can protect me a great deal better than miss can t you dear he only winked lazily when she kissed his ball of a head papa calls her my confidential friend but i am sure she is no such thing is she we are not going to confide in any such cross people and i we mean to bestow our confidence where we like and to find out our own friends instead of having them found out for us don t we made a comfortable noise in answer a little like a tea kettle when it sings as for me every word was a new heap of above the last it is very hard because we have not a kind that we are to have instead a sulky gloomy old thing like miss always following us about isn t it never mind we won t be confidential and we ll make ourselves as happy as we can in spite of her and we ll her and not please her won t we if it had lasted any longer i think i must have gone down on my knees on the gravel with the probability before me of them and of being presently from the premises besides but by good fortune the was not far off and these words brought us to it it contained quite a show of beautiful we along in front of them and often stopped to admire this one or that one and i stopped to admire the same one and laughing held the dog up to smell the flowers and if we were not all three in of david certainly i was the scent of a leaf at this day strikes me with a half half serious wonder as to what change has come over me in a moment and then i see a straw hat and blue ribbons and a quantity of curls and a little black dog being held up in two slender arms against a bank of blossoms and bright leaves miss had been looking for us she found us here and presented her cheek the little wrinkles in it filled with to to be kissed then she took s arm in hers and marched us in to breakfast as if it were a soldier s funeral how many cups of tea i drank because made it i don t know but i perfectly remember that i sat tea until my whole nervous system if i had had any in those days must have gone by the board by and by we went to church miss was between and me in the but i heard her sing and the congregation vanished a sermon was delivered about of course and i am afraid that is all i know of the service we had a quiet day no company a walk a family dinner of four and an evening of looking over books and pictures miss with a before her and her eye upon us keeping guard ah little did mr imagine when he sat opposite to me after dinner that day with his pocket handkerchief over his head how fervently i was embracing him in my fancy as his son in law little did he think when i took leave of him at night that he had just given his full consent to my being engaged to and that i was blessings on his head we departed early in the morning for we had a case coming on in the court requiring a rather accurate knowledge of the whole science of in which as we couldn t be expected to know much about those matters in the the judge had entreated two old masters for charity s sake to come and help him out was at the breakfast table to make the tea again however and i had the melancholy pleasure of taking off my hat to her in the as she stood on the door step with in her arms what the was to me that day what nonsense i made of our case in my mind as i listened to it how i saw engraved upon the blade of the silver oar which they lay upon the table as the emblem of that high and how i felt when mr went home without me i had had an insane hope that he might take me back again as if i were a myself and the ship to which i belonged had sailed away and left me on a desert island i shall make no fruitless effort to describe if that sleepy old court could rouse itself and present in any visible form the day dreams i have had in it about it would reveal my truth i don t mean the dreams that i dreamed on that day alone but day after day from week to week and term to term i went there not to attend to what was going on but to think about if i ever bestowed a thought upon the cases as they dragged their slow length before me it was only to wonder in the matrimonial cases remembering how it was that married people could ever be otherwise than happy and in the cases to consider if the money in question had been left to me what were the foremost steps i should immediately have taken in regard to within the first week of my passion i the personal history and experience bought four not for myself i had no pride in them for and took to wearing straw colored kid gloves in the streets and laid the foundations of all the i have ever had if the boots
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i wore at that period could only be produced and compared with the natural size of my feet they would show what the state of my heart was in a most affecting manner and yet wretched as i made myself by this act of homage to i walked miles upon miles daily in the hope of seeing her not only was i soon as well known on the as the on that beat but i pervaded london likewise i walked about the streets where the best shops for ladies were i haunted the like an spirit i through the park again and again long after i was quite knocked up sometimes at long intervals and on rare occasions i saw her perhaps i saw her glove waved in a carriage window perhaps i met her walked with her and miss a little way and spoke to her in the latter case i was always very miserable afterwards to think that i had said nothing to the purpose or that she had no idea of the extent of my devotion or that she cared nothing about me i was always looking out as may be supposed for another invitation to mr s house i was always being disappointed for i got none mrs must have been a woman of penetration for when this attachment was but a few weeks old and i had not had the courage to write more even to than that i had been to mr s house whose family i added consists of one daughter i say mrs must have been a woman of penetration for even in that early stage she found it out she came up to me one evening when i was very low to ask she being then afflicted with the disorder i have mentioned if i could oblige her with a little of mixed and with seven drops of the essence of which was the best remedy for her complaint or if i had not such a by me with a little brandy which was the next best it was not she remarked so to her but it was the next best as i had never even heard of the first remedy and always had the second in the closet i gave mrs a glass of the second which that i might have no suspicion of its being devoted to any improper use she began to take in my presence cheer up sir said mrs i can t to see you so sir i m a mother myself i did not quite perceive the application of this fact to myself but i smiled on mrs as as was in my power come sir said mrs excuse me i know what it is sir there s a young lady in the case mrs i returned oh bless you keep a good heart sir said mrs nodding encouragement never say die sir if she don t smile upon you there s a many as will you re a young gentleman to be smiled on mr and you must learn your sir mrs always called me mr no doubt because it was not my name and secondly i am inclined to think in some indistinct association with a washing day of david what makes you suppose there is any young lady in the case mrs said i mr said mrs with a great deal of feeling i ma mother myself for some time mrs could only lay her hand upon her bosom and herself against returning pain with of her medicine at length she spoke again when the present set were took for you by your dear aunt mr said mrs my remark were i had now found i could care for thank ev in were the expression i have now found i can care for you don t eat enough sir nor yet drink is that what you found your supposition on mrs said i sir said mrs in a tone approaching to severity i ve other young gentlemen besides yourself a young gentleman may be over careful of himself or he may be under careful of himself he may brush his hair too regular or too he may wear his boots much too large for him or much too small that is according as the young gentleman has his original character formed but let him go to which extreme he may sir there s a young lady in both of em mrs shook her head in such a determined manner that i had not an inch of ground left it was but the gentleman which died here before yourself said mrs that fell in love with a and had his took in directly though much swelled by drinking mrs said i i must beg you not to connect the young lady in my case with a or anything of that sort if you please mr returned mrs i ma mother myself and not likely i ask your pardon sir if i intrude i should wish to intrude where i were not welcome but you are a young gentleman mr and my to you is to cheer up sir to keep a good heart and to know your own if you was to take to something sir said mrs if you was to take to now which is healthy you might find it divert your mind and do you good with these words mrs affecting to be very careful of the brandy which it was all gone thanked me with a majestic and retired as her figure disappeared into the gloom of the entry this counsel certainly presented itself to my mind in the light of a slight liberty on mrs s part but at the same time i was content to receive it in another point of view as a word to the wise and a warning in future to keep my secret better thb personal
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history and chapter it may have been in consequence of mrs s advice and perhaps for no better reason than because there was a certain in the sound of the words and that it came into my head next day to go and look after the time he had mentioned was more than out and he lived in a little street near the college at town which was principally as one of our clerks who lived in that direction informed me by gentlemen students who bought live and made experiments on those in their private apartments having obtained from this clerk a direction to the grove in question i set out the same afternoon to visit my old i found that the street was not as desirable a one as i could have wished it to be for the sake of the inhabitants appeared to have a to throw any little trifles they were not in want of into the road which not only made it rank and but too on account of the leaves the refuse was not wholly vegetable either for i myself saw a shoe a doubled up a black bonnet and an umbrella in various stages of as i was looking out for the number i wanted the general air of the place reminded me forcibly of the days when i lived with mr and mrs an indescribable character of faded that attached to the house i sought and made it unlike all the other houses in the street though they were all built on one monotonous pattern and looked like the early copies of a boy who was learning to make houses and had not yet got out of his cramped brick and mortar reminded me still more of mr and mrs happening to arrive at the door as it was opened to the afternoon i was reminded of mr and mrs more forcibly yet now said the to a very youthful servant girl has that there little bill of mine been on oh master says he attend to it immediate was the reply because said the going on as if he had received no answer and speaking as i judged from his tone rather for the of somebody within the house than of the youthful servant an impression which was strengthened by his manner of glaring down the passage because that there little bill has been running so long that i begin to believe it s run away altogether and never won t be of now i m not a going to stand it you know said the still throwing his voice into the house and glaring down the passage as to his dealing in the mild article of milk by the by there never was a greater his would have been fierce in a butcher or a brandy merchant the voice of the youthful servant became faint but she seemed to me of david from the action of her lips again to murmur that it would be attended to immediate i tell you what said the looking hard at her for the first time and taking her by the chin are you fond of milk yes i likes it she replied good said the then you won t have none to morrow d ye hear not a fragment of milk you won t have to morrow i thought she seemed upon the whole relieved by the prospect of having any to day the after shaking his head at her darkly released her chin and with any thing rather than good will opened his can and deposited the usual quantity in the family this done he went away muttering and uttered the cry of his trade next door in a shriek does mr live here i then a mysterious voice from the end of the passage replied yes upon which the youthful servant replied yes is he at home said i again the mysterious voice replied in the affirmative and again the servant echoed it upon this i walked in and in of the servant s directions walked up stairs conscious as i passed the back parlor door that i was surveyed by a mysterious eye probably belonging to the mysterious voice when i got to the top of the stairs the house was only a story high above the ground floor was on the landing to meet me he was delighted to see me and gave me welcome with great to his little room it was in the front of the house and extremely neat though furnished it was his only room i saw for there was a sofa in it and his and were among his books on the top shelf behind a dictionary his table was covered with papers and he was hard at work in an old coat i looked at nothing that i know of but i saw everything even to the prospect of a church upon his china as i sat down and this too was a faculty confirmed in me in the old times various ingenious arrangements he had made for the disguise of his chest of drawers and the accommodation of his boots his glass and so forth particularly impressed themselves upon me as evidences of the same who used to make models of elephant s in writing paper to put flies in and to comfort himself under ill usage with the memorable works of art i have so often mentioned in a corner of the room was something neatly covered up with a large white cloth i could not make out what that was said i shaking hands with him again after i had sat down i am delighted to see you i am delighted to see you he returned i am very glad indeed to see you it was because i was thoroughly glad to see you when we met in place and was sure you
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were thoroughly glad to see me that i gave you this address instead of my address at chambers oh you have chambers said i why i have the fourth of a room and a passage and the fourth of a clerk returned three others and myself unite to have a set of chambers to look business like and we quarter the clerk too half a crown a week he costs me the history and experience his old simple character and good temper and something of his old unlucky fortune also i thought smiled at me in the smile with which he made this explanation it s not because i have the least pride you understand said that i don t usually give my address here it s only on account of those who come to me who might not like to come here for myself i am fighting my way on in the world against difficulties and it would be ridiculous if i made a pretence of doing any thing else you are reading for the bar mr informed me said i why yes said rubbing his hands slowly over one another i am reading for the bar the fact is i have just begun to keep my terms after rather a long delay it s some time since i was but the payment of that hundred pounds was a great pull a great pull said with a as if he had had a tooth out do you know what i can t help thinking of as i sit here looking at you i asked him no said he that sky blue suit you used to wear lord to be sure cried laughing tight in the arms and legs you know dear me well those were happy times weren t they i think our might have made them happier without doing any harm to any of us i acknowledge i returned perhaps he might said but dear me there was a good deal of fun going on do you remember the nights in the bed room when we used to have the and when you used to tell the stories ha ha ha and do you remember when i got for crying about mr old i should like to see him again too he was a brute to you said i indignantly for his good humour made me feel as if i had seen him beaten but yesterday do you think so returned really perhaps he was rather but it s all over a long while old you were brought up by an uncle then said i of course i was said the one i was always going to write to and always didn t eh ha ha ha yes i had an uncle then he died soon after i left school indeed yes he was a retired what do you call it cloth merchant and had made me his heir but he didn t like me when i grew up do you really mean that said i he was so composed that i fancied he must have some other meaning dear yes i mean it replied it was an unfortunate thing but he didn t like me at all he said i wasn t at all what he expected and so he married his housekeeper and what did you do i asked i didn t do anything in particular said i lived with them waiting to be put out in the world until his unfortunately flew to his stomach and so he died and so she married a young man and so i wasn t provided for of david did you get nothing after all oh dear yes said i got fifty pounds i had never been brought up to any profession and at first i was at a loss what to do for myself however i began with the assistance of the son of a professional man who had been to house with his nose on one side do you recollect him no he had not been there with me all the noses were straight in my day it don t matter said i began by means of his assistance to copy law writings that didn t answer very well and then i began to state cases for them and make and do that sort of work for i am a kind of fellow and had learnt the way of doing such things well that put it in my head to enter myself as a law student and that ran away with all that was left of the fifty pounds recommended me to one or two other offices however mr s for one and i got a good many i was fortunate enough too to become acquainted with a person in the way who was getting up an and he set me to work and indeed glancing at his table i am at work for him at this minute i am not a bad said preserving the same air of cheerful confidence in all he said but i have no invention at all not a i suppose there never was a young man with less originality than i have as seemed to expect that i should assent to this as a matter of course i nodded and he went on with the same patience i can find no better expression as before so by little and little and not living high t managed to scrape up the hundred pounds at last said and thank heaven that s paid though it was though it certainly was said again as if he had had another tooth out a pull i am living by the sort of work i have mentioned still and i hope one of these days to get connected with some newspaper which would almost be the making of my fortune now you are
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so exactly what you used to be with that agreeable face and it s so pleasant to see you that i sha n t conceal anything therefore you must know that i am engaged engaged oh she is a s daughter said one of ten down in yes he saw me glance involuntarily at the prospect on the that s the church you come round here to the left out of this gate tracing his finger along the and exactly where i hold this pen there stands the house facing you understand towards the church the delight with which he entered into these particulars did not fully present itself to me until afterwards for my selfish thoughts were making a ground plan of mr s house and garden at the same moment she is such a dear girl said a little older than me but the dearest girl i told you i was going out of town i have been down there i walked there and i walked back and i had the most delightful time i dare say ours is likely to be a rather long engagement but our motto is wait and hope we always say that wait and hope the personal history and experience we always say and she would wait till she was sixty any age you can mention for me rose from his chair and with a triumphant smile put his hand upon the white cloth i had observed however he said it s not that we haven t made a beginning towards housekeeping no no we have begun we must get on by degrees but we have begun here drawing the cloth off with great pride and care are two pieces of furniture to commence with this flower pot and stand she bought herself you put that in a said falling a little back from it to survey it with the greater admiration with a plant in it and and there you are this little round table with the marble top it s two feet ten in i bought you want to lay a book down you know or somebody comes to see you or your wife and wants a place to stand a cup of tea upon and and there you are again said it s an admirable piece of firm as a rock i praised them both highly and replaced the covering as carefully as he had removed it it s not a great deal towards the furnishing said but it s something the table and pillow cases and articles of that kind are what me most so does the candle boxes and and that sort of necessaries because those things tell and mount up however wait and hope and i assure you she s the dearest girl i am quite certain of it said i in the mean time said coming back to his chair and this is the end of my about myself i get on as well as i can i don t make much but i don t spend much in general i board with the people down stairs who are very agreeable people indeed both mr and mrs have seen a good deal of life and are excellent company my dear i quickly exclaimed what are you talking about looked at me as if he wondered what was talking about mr and mrs i repeated why i am intimately acquainted with them an double knock at the door which i knew well from old experience in terrace and which nobody but mr could ever have knocked at that door resolved any doubt in my mind as to their being my old friends i begged to ask his landlord to walk up accordingly did so over the and mr not a bit changed his his stick his shirt collar and his eye glass all the same as ever came into the room with a genteel and youthful air i beg your pardon mr said mr with the old roll in his voice as he checked himself in humming a soft tune i was not aware that there was any individual alien to this in your mr slightly bowed to me and pulled up his shirt collar how do you do mr said i sir said mr you are exceedingly obliging i am in of david and mrs i pursued sir said mr is also thank god in and the children mr sir said mr i rejoice to reply that they are likewise in the enjoyment of all this time mr had not known me in the least though he had stood face to face with me but now seeing me smile he examined my features with more attention fell back cried is it possible have i the pleasure of again beholding and shook me by both hands with the utmost good heaven mr said mr to think that i should find you acquainted with the friend of my youth the companion of days my dear calling over the to mrs while looked with reason not a little amazed at this description of me here is a gentleman in mr s apartment whom he wishes to have the pleasure of presenting to you my love mr immediately reappeared and shook hands with me again and how is our good friend the doctor said mr and all the circle at i have none but good accounts of them said i i am most delighted to hear it said mr it was at where we last met within the shadow i may say of that religious edifice by which was the resort of from the remotest corners of in short said mr in the immediate neighbourhood of the cathedral i replied that it was mr continued talking as as he could but not i thought without showing by some marks of concern in his countenance that he was sensible of
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sounds in the next room as of mrs washing her hands and hurriedly opening and shutting drawers that were uneasy in their action you find us said mr with one eye on at present established on what may be as a small and scale but you are aware that i have in the course of my career surmounted difficulties and conquered obstacles you are no stranger to the fact that there have been periods of my life when it has been requisite that i should pause until certain expected events should turn up when it has been necessary that i should fall back before making what i trust i shall not be accused of presumption in a spring the present is one of those momentous stages in the life of man you find me fallen back for a spring and i have every reason to that a vigorous leap will shortly be the result i was expressing my satisfaction when mrs came in a more than she used to be or so she seemed now to my eyes but still with some preparation of herself for company and with a pair of brown gloves on my dear said mr leading her towards me here is a gentleman of the name of who wishes to renew his acquaintance with you it would have been better as it turned out to have led gently up to his announcement for mrs being in a delicate state of health the personal history and experience was overcome by it and was taken so that mr was obliged in great to run down to the water butt in the back yard and draw a to lave her brow with she presently revived however and was really pleased to see me we had half s talk all together and i asked her about the who she said were grown great creatures and after master and miss whom she described as absolute giants but they were not produced on that occasion mr was very anxious that i should stay to dinner i should not have been averse to do so but that i imagined i detected trouble and calculation relative to the extent of the cold meat in mrs s eye i therefore pleaded another engagement and observing that mrs s spirits were immediately lightened i resisted all persuasion to forego it but i told and mr and mrs that before i could think of leaving they must a day when they would come and dine with me the occupations to which stood pledged rendered it necessary to fix a somewhat distant one but an appointment was made for the purpose that suited us all and then i took my leave mr under pretence of showing me a nearer way than that by which i had come accompanied me to the corner of the street being anxious he explained to me to say a few words to an old friend in confidence my dear said mr i need hardly tell you that to have beneath our roof under existing circumstances a mind like that which if i may be allowed the expression which in your friend is an unspeakable comfort with a who hard for sale in her parlor window dwelling next door and a bow street officer over the way you may imagine that his society is a source of consolation to myself and to mrs i am at present my dear engaged in the sale of corn upon commission it is not an of a description in other words it does not pay and some temporary of a pecuniary nature have been the consequence i am however delighted to add that i have now an immediate prospect of something turning up i am not at liberty to say in what direction which trust will enable me to provide permanently both for myself and for your friend in whom i have an unaffected interest you may perhaps be prepared to hear that mrs is in a state of health which renders it not wholly improbable that an addition may be ultimately made to those of affection which in short to the group mrs s family have been so good as to express their dissatisfaction with this state of things i have merely to observe that i am not aware it is any business of theirs and that i that exhibition of feeling with scorn and with defiance mr then shook hands with me again and left me op david chapter mr s until the day arrived on which i was to entertain my newly found old friends i lived principally on and coffee in my love condition my appetite and i was glad of it for i felt as though it would have been an act of towards to have a natural relish for my dinner the quantity of walking exercise i took was not in this respect attended with its usual consequence as the disappointment the fresh air i have my doubts too founded on the acute experience acquired at this period of my life whether a sound enjoyment of animal food can develop itself freely in any human subject who is always in torment from tight boots i think the require to be at peace before the stomach will conduct itself with vigour on the occasion of this domestic little party did not repeat my former extensive preparations i merely provided a pair of a small leg of mutton and a pigeon pie mrs broke out into rebellion on my first hint in reference to the cooking of the fish and joint and said with a dignified sense of injury no no sir you will not ask me a thing for you are better acquainted with me than to suppose me capable of doing what i cannot do with satisfaction to my own feelings but in the end a compromise was effected and mrs consented to achieve this
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nothing particular underneath in short the banquet was such a failure that i should have been quite unhappy about the failure i mean for i was always unhappy about if i had not been relieved by the great good humour of my company and by a bright suggestion from mr my dear friend said mr accidents will occur in the best regulated families and in families not regulated by that influence which while it the a i would say in short by the influence of woman in the lofty character of wife they may be expected with confidence and must be borne with philosophy if you will allow me to take the liberty of remarking that there are few better in their way than a devil and that i believe with a little division of labor we could accomplish a good one if the young person in attendance could produce a i would put it to you that this little misfortune may be easily repaired there was a in the on which my morning of bacon was cooked we had it in in a twinkling and immediately applied ourselves to carrying mr s idea into effect the division of labor to which he had referred was this cut the mutton into mr who could do anything of this sort to perfection covered them with salt and i put them on the turned them with a fork and took them off under mr s directions and mrs heated and continually stirred some in a little when we had enough done to begin upon we fell to with our sleeves still tucked up at the wrists more and blazing on the fire and our attention divided between the mutton on our plates and the mutton then preparing what with the novelty of this the excellence of it the bustle of it the frequent starting up to look after it the frequent sitting down to dispose of it as the crisp came off the hot and hot the being so busy so flushed with the fire so amused and in the midst of such a tempting noise and we reduced the leg of mutton to the bone my own appetite came back i am ashamed to u the personal history and experience record it but i really believe i forgot for a little while i am satisfied that mr and mrs could not have enjoyed the feast more if they had sold a bed to provide it laughed as heartily almost the whole time as he ate and worked indeed we all did all at once and i dare say there never was a greater success we were at the height of our enjoyment and were all busily engaged in our several endeavouring to bring the last of to a state of perfection that should crown the feast when i was aware of a strange presence in the room and my eyes encountered those of the staid standing hat in hand before me what s the matter i involuntarily asked i beg your pardon sir i was directed to come in is my master not here sir no have you not seen him sir no don t you come from him not immediately so sir did he tell you you would find him here not exactly so sir but i should think he might be here to morrow as he has not been here to day is he coming up from oxford i beg sir he returned respectfully that you will be seated and allow me to do this with which he took the fork from my hand and bent over the as if his whole attention were concentrated on it we should not have been much i dare say by the appearance of himself but we became in a moment the of the meek before his respectable serving man mr humming a tune to show that he was quite at ease subsided into his chair with the handle of a hastily concealed fork sticking out of the bosom of his coat as if he had himself mrs put on her brown gloves and assumed a genteel languor ran his greasy hands through his hair and stood it bolt upright and stared in confusion at the table cloth as for me i was a mere infant at the head of my own table and hardly ventured to glance at the respectable phenomenon who had come from heaven knows where to put my establishment to rights meanwhile he took the mutton off the and gravely handed it round we all took some but our appreciation of it was gone and we merely made a show of eating it as we pushed away our plates he noiselessly removed them and set on the cheese he took that off too when it was done with cleared the table piled everything on the dumb waiter gave us our wine glasses and of his own accord wheeled the dumb waiter into the all this was done in a perfect manner and he never raised his eyes from what he was about yet his very elbows when he had his back towards me seemed to with the expression of his fixed opinion that i was extremely young can i do anything more sir i thanked him and said no but would he take no dinner himself none i am obliged to you sir is mr coming from oxford of david i beg your pardon sir is mr coming from oxford i should imagine that lie might be here to morrow sir i rather thought he might have been here to day sir the mistake is mine no doubt sir if you should see him first said i if you excuse me sir i don t think i shall see him first in case you do said i pray say that i am sorry he was not here to day as an old of
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his was here indeed sir and he divided a bow between me and with a glance at the latter he was moving softly to the door when in a forlorn hope of saying something naturally which i never could to this man i said oh sir did you remain long at that time not particularly so sir you saw the boat completed yes sir i remained behind on purpose to see the boat completed i know he raised his eyes to mine respectfully mr has not seen it yet i suppose i really can t say sir i think but i really can t say sir i wish you good night sir he comprehended everybody present in the respectful bow with which he followed these words and disappeared my visitors seemed to breathe more freely when he was gone but my own relief was very great for besides the arising from that extraordinary sense of being at a disadvantage which i always had in this man s presence my conscience had embarrassed me with whispers that i had his master and i could not repress a vague uneasy dread that he might find it out how was it having so little in reality to conceal that i always did feel as if this man were finding me out mr roused me from this reflection which was blended with a certain apprehension of seeing himself by many on the absent as a most respectable fellow and a thoroughly admirable servant mr i may remark had taken his full share of the general bow and had received it with infinite condescension but punch my dear said mr it like time and tide waits for no man ah it is at the present moment in high flavor my love will you give me your opinion mrs pronounced it excellent then i will drink said mr if my friend will permit me to take that social liberty to the days when my friend and myself were younger and fought our way in the world side by side i may say of myself and in words we have sung together before now that we run about the and d the fine the personal history and experience in a point of view on several occasions i am not exactly aware said mr with the old roll in his voice and the old indescribable air of saying something genteel what may be but i have no doubt that and myself would frequently have taken a pull at them if it had been mr at the then present moment took a pull at his punch so we all did evidently lost in wondering at what distant time mr and i could possibly have been comrades in the battle of the world said mr clearing his throat and warming with the punch and with the fire my dear another glass mrs said it must be very little but we couldn t allow that so it was a as we are quite confidential here mr said mrs her punch mr being a part of our i should much like to have your opinion on mr s prospects for corn said mrs as i have repeatedly said to mr may be gentlemanly but it is not commission to the extent of two and in a fortnight cannot however limited our ideas be considered we were all agreed upon that then said mrs who herself on taking a clear view of things and keeping mr straight by her woman s wisdom when he might otherwise go a little crooked then i ask myself this question if corn is not to be relied upon what is are coals to be relied upon not at all we have turned our attention to that experiment on the suggestion of my family and we find it mr leaning back in his chair with his hands in his pockets eyed us aside and nodded his head as much as to say that the case was very clearly put the articles of corn and coals said mrs still more being equally out of the question mr i naturally look round the world and say what is there in which a person of mr s talent is likely to succeed and i the doing anything on commission because commission is not a certainty what is best suited to a person of mr s peculiar temperament is i am convinced a certainty and i both expressed by a feeling murmur that this great discovery was no doubt true of mr and that it did him much credit i will not conceal from you my dear mr said mrs that i have long felt the business to be particularly adapted to mr look at and look at and it is on that extensive footing that mr i know from my own knowledge of him is calculated to shine and the profits i am told are e nor but if mr cannot get into those which to answer his letters when he offers his services even in an inferior capacity what is the use of dwelling upon that idea none i may have a conviction that mr s manners of david hem really my dear interposed mr my love be silent said mrs laying her brown glove on his hand i may have a conviction mr that mr s manners him for the business i may argue within myself that if i had a deposit at a house the manners of mr as representing that house would inspire confidence and must extend the but if the various houses refuse to avail themselves of mr s abilities or receive the offer of them with what is the use of dwelling upon that idea none as to a business i may know that there are members of my family who if they chose to place their money in mr s hands might found an
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establishment of that description but if they do not choose to place their money in mr s hands which they don t what is the use of that again i contend that we are no farther advanced than we were before i shook my head and said not a bit also shook his head and said not a bit what do i from this mrs went on to say still with the same air of putting a case what is the conclusion my dear mr to which i am irresistibly brought am i wrong in saying it is clear that we must live i answered not at all and answered not at all and i found myself afterwards adding alone that a person must either live or die just so returned mrs it is precisely that and the fact is my dear mr that we can not live without something widely different from existing circumstances shortly turning up now i am convinced myself and this i have pointed out to mr several times of late that things cannot be expected to turn up of themselves we must in a measure assist to turn them up i may be wrong but i have formed that opinion both and i applauded it highly yery well said mrs then what do i recommend here is mr with a variety of with great talent really my love said mr pray my dear allow me to conclude here is mr with a variety of with great talent i should say with genius but that may be the partiality of a wife and i both murmured no and here is mr without any suitable position or employment where does that responsibility rest clearly on society then i would make a fact so disgraceful known and boldly challenge society to set it right it appears to me my dear mr said mrs forcibly that what mr has to do is to throw down the to society and say in effect show me who will take that up let the party immediately step forward i ventured to ask mrs how this was to be done by said mrs in all the papers it appears to me that what mr has to do in justice to himself in justice the personal history and experience to his family and i will even go so far as to say in justice to society by which he has been hitherto overlooked is to in all the papers to describe himself plainly as so and so with such and such and to put it thus employ me on terms and address post paid to w m post office town this idea of mrs s my dear said mr making his shirt collar meet in front of his chin and glancing at me sideways is in fact the leap to which i alluded when i last had the pleasure of seeing you is rather expensive i remarked exactly so said mrs preserving the same logical air quite true my dear mr i have made the identical observation to mr it is for that reason especially that think mr ought as i have already said in justice to himself in justice to his family and in justice to society to raise a certain sum of money on a bill mr leaning back in his chair with his eye glass and cast his eyes up at the ceiling but i thought him observant of too who was looking at the fire if no member of my family said mrs is possessed of sufficient natural to that bill i believe there is a better business term to express what i mean mr with his eyes still cast up at the ceiling suggested to that bill said mrs then my opinion is that mr should go into the city should take that bill into the money market and should dispose of it for what he can get if the individuals in the money market oblige mr to sustain a great sacrifice that is between themselves and their i view it steadily as an i recommend mr my dear mr to do the same to regard it as an which is sure of return and to make up his mind to any sacrifice i felt but i am sure i don t know why that this was self denying and devoted in mrs and i uttered a murmur to that effect who took his tone from me did likewise still looking at the fire i will not said mrs finishing her punch and gathering her about her shoulders preparatory to her to my bedroom i will not these remarks on the subject of mr s pecuniary affairs at your fireside my dear mr and in the presence of mr who though not so old a friend is quite one of ourselves i could not refrain from making you acquainted with the course advise mr to take i feel that the time is arrived when mr should exert himself and i will add assert himself and it appears to me that these are the means i am aware that i am merely a female and that a masculine judgment is usually considered more competent to the discussion of such questions still i must not forget that when i lived at home with my papa and my papa was in the habit of saying s form is fragile but her grasp of a subject is inferior to none that my papa was too partial i well know but that he was an observer of character in some degree my duty and my reason equally forbid me to doubt of david with these words and resisting our entreaties that she would grace the remaining circulation of the punch with her presence mrs retired to my bed room and really i felt that she was a noble woman the sort
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of woman who might have been a matron and done all manner of heroic things in times of public trouble in the of this impression i congratulated mr on the treasure he possessed so did mr extended his hand to each of us in succession and then covered his face with his which i think had more snuff upon it than he was aware of he then returned to the punch in the highest state of he was full of eloquence he gave us to understand that in our children we lived again and that under the pressure of pecuniary difficulties any accession to their number was doubly welcome he said that mrs had had her doubts on this point but that he had them and reassured her as to her family they were totally unworthy of her and their sentiments were utterly indifferent to him and they might i quote his own expression go to the devil mr then delivered a warm on he said s was a character to the steady virtues of which he mr could lay no claim but which he thanked heaven he could admire he alluded to the young lady unknown whom had honored with his affection and who had that affection by and blessing with her affection mr pledged her so did i thanked us both by saying with a simplicity and honesty i had sense enough to be quite charmed with lam very much obliged to you indeed and i do assure you she s the dearest girl mr took an early opportunity after that of with the utmost delicacy and ceremony at the state of my affections nothing but the serious assurance of his friend to the contrary he observed could deprive him of the impression that his friend loved and was beloved after feeling very hot and uncomfortable for some time and after a good deal of blushing and denying i said having my glass in my hand well i would give them d which so excited and gratified mr that he ran with a glass of punch into my bed room in order that mrs might drink d who drank it with enthusiasm crying from within in a shrill voice hear hear my dear mr i am delighted hear and tapping at the wall by way of applause our conversation afterwards took a more worldly turn mr telling us that he found town inconvenient and that the first thing he contemplated doing when the advertisement should have been the cause of something satisfactory turning up was to move he mentioned a terrace at the western end of oxford street park on w r hich he had always had his eye but which he did not expect to attain immediately as it would require a large establishment there would probably be an interval he explained in which he should content himself with the upper part of a house over some respectable place of business say in which would be a cheerful situation for mrs and where by throwing out a bow window or carrying up the roof another story or making some little alteration of that sort they might the personal history and experience live comfortably and for a few years whatever was reserved for him lie expressly said or wherever his abode might be we might rely on this there would always be a room for and a knife and fork for me we acknowledged his kindness and he begged us to forgive his having launched into these practical and business like details and to excuse it as natural in one who was making entirely new arrangements in life mrs tapping at the wall again to know if tea were ready broke up this particular phase of our friendly conversation she made tea for us in a most agreeable manner and whenever i went near her in handing about the tea cups and bread and butter asked me in a whisper whether d was fair or dark or whether she was short or tall or something of that kind which i think i liked after tea we discussed a variety of topics before the fire and mrs was good enough to sing us in a small thin flat voice which i remember to have considered when i first knew her the very table beer of the favorite of the dashing white and little for both of these songs mrs had been famous when she lived at home with her papa and mr told us that when he heard her sing the first one on the first occasion of his seeing her beneath the parental roof she had attracted his attention in an extraordinary degree but that when it came to little he had resolved to win that woman or perish in the attempt it was between ten and eleven o clock when mrs rose to replace her cap in the brown paper parcel and to put on her bonnet mr took the opportunity of putting on his great coat to slip a letter into my hand with a whispered request that i would read it at my leisure i also took the opportunity of my holding a candle over the to light them down when mr was going first leading mrs and was following with the to detain for a moment on the top of the stairs said i mr don t mean any harm poor fellow but if i were you i wouldn t lend him anything my dear returned smiling i haven t got anything to lend you have got a name you know said i oh you call that something to lend returned with a thoughtful look certainly oh said yes to be sure i am very much obliged to you but i am afraid i have lent him that already for the bill that is to be a certain i inquired no said not for that one
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this is the first i have heard of that one i have been thinking that he will most likely propose that one on the way home mine s another i hope there will be nothing wrong about it said i i hope not said i should think not though because he told me only the other day that it was provided for that was mr s expression provided for mr looking up at this juncture to where we were standing i op david had only time to repeat my caution thanked me and descended but i was much afraid when i observed the good natured manner in which he went down with the cap in his hand and gave mrs his arm that he would be carried into the money market neck and heels i returned to my fireside and was musing half gravely and half laughing on the character of mr and the old relations between us when i heard a quick step ascending the stairs at first i thought it was coming back for something mrs had left behind but as the step approached i knew it and felt my heart beat high and the blood rush to my face for it was s i was never of and she never left that in my thoughts if i may call it so where i had placed her from the first but when he entered and stood before me with his hand out the darkness that had fallen on him changed to light and i felt confounded and ashamed of having doubted one i loved so heartily i loved her none the less i thought of her as the same gentle angel in my life i reproached myself not her with having done him an injury and i would have made him any if i had known what to make and how to make it why old boy dumb laughed shaking my hand heartily and throwing it gaily away have i detected you in another feast you these doctors fellows are the men in town i believe and beat us sober oxford people all to nothing his bright glance went merrily round the room as he took the seat on the sofa opposite to me which mrs had recently and stirred the fire into a blaze i was so surprised at first said i giving him welcome with all the cordiality i felt that i had hardly breath to greet you with well the sight of me is good for sore eyes as the scotch say replied and so is the sight of you in full bloom how are you my i am very well said i and not at all to night though i confess to another party of three all of whom i met in the street talking loud in your praise returned who s our friend in the i gave him the best idea i could in a few words of mr he laughed heartily at my feeble portrait of that gentleman and said he was a man to know and he must know him but who do you suppose our other friend is said i in my turn heaven knows said not a bore i hope i thought he looked a little like one i replied triumphantly who s he asked in his careless way don t you remember in our room at house oh that fellow said beating a lump of coal on the top of the fire with the is he as soft as ever and where the deuce did you pick mm up i in reply as highly as i could for i felt that rather him the subject with a light the personal history and experience nod and a smile and the remark that he would be glad to see the old fellow too for he had always been an odd fish inquired if i could give him anything to eat during most of this short dialogue when he had not been speaking in a wild manner he had sat idly beating on the lump of coal with the i observed that he did the same thing while i was getting out the remains of the pigeon pie and so forth why here s a supper for a king he exclaimed starting out of his silence with a burst and taking his seat at the table i shall do it justice for i have come from i thought you came from oxford i returned not i said i have been better employed was here to day to inquire for you i remarked and i understood him that you were at oxford though now i think of it he certainly did not say so is a greater fool than i thought him to have been inquiring for me at all said pouring out a glass of wine and drinking to me as to understanding him you are a fellow than most of us if you can do that that s true indeed said t moving my chair to the table so you have been at interested to know all about it have you been there long no he returned an of a week or so and how are they all of course little is not married yet not yet going to be i believe in so many weeks or months or something or other i have not seen much of em by the by he laid down his knife and fork which he had been using with great diligence and began feeling in his pockets i have a letter for you from whom why from your old nurse he returned taking some papers out of his breast pocket j to the willing mind that s not it patience and we find it presently old what name s in a bad way and it s about that i believe do you mean yes still feeling in his pockets and
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looking over their contents it s all over with poor i am afraid i saw a little there surgeon or whatever he is who brought your worship into the world he was mighty learned about the case to me but the of his opinion was that the was making his last journey rather fast put your hand into the breast pocket of my great coat on the chair yonder and i think you find the letter is it there here it is said i that s right it was from something less than usual and brief it informed me of her husband s hopeless state and hinted at his being a little nearer than heretofore and consequently more difficult to manage for his own comfort it said nothing of her weariness and watching and praised him highly it was written with a plain unaffected homely piety that i knew to be genuine and ended with my duty to my ever darling meaning myself while i it continued to eat and drink of david it s a bad job be said i bad done but tbe sun sets every day and people die every minute and we mustn t be scared by the common lot if we failed to bold our own because that equal foot at all men s doors was beard knocking somewhere every object in this world would from us no bide on bough shod if need be smooth shod if that will do but ride on bide over all obstacles and win the race and win what race said i the race that one has started in said he bide on i noticed i remember as he paused looking at me with his handsome head a little thrown back and his glass raised in his hand that though the freshness of the sea wind was on his face and it was ruddy there were traces in it made since i last saw it as if he had applied himself to some habitual strain of the fervent energy which when roused was so passionately roused within him i had it in my thoughts to with him upon his desperate way of pursuing any fancy that he took such as this of rough seas and of hard weather for example when my mind glanced off to the immediate subject of our conversation again and pursued that instead i tell you what said i if your high spirits will listen to me they are potent spirits and will do whatever you like he answered moving from the table to tbe fireside again then i tell you what i think i will go down and see my old nurse it is not that i can do her any good or render her any real service but she is so attached to me that my visit will have as much on her as if i could do both she will take it so kindly that it will be a comfort and support to her it is no great effort to make i am sure for such a friend as she has been to me wouldn t you go a day s journey if you were in my place his face was thoughtful and he sat considering a little before he answered in a low voice well go you can do no harm you have just come back said i and it would be in vain to ask you to go with me quite he returned i am for to night i have not seen my mother this long time and it lies upon my conscience for it s something to be loved as she loves her prodigal son nonsense you mean to go to morrow i suppose he said holding me out at arm s length with a hand on each of my shoulders yes i think so well then don t go till next day i wanted you to come and stay a few days with us here i am on purpose to bid you and you fly off to you are a nice fellow to talk of flying off who are running wild on some unknown expedition or other he looked at me for a moment without speaking and then rejoined still holding me as before and giving me a shake come say the next day and pass as much of to morrow as you can with us who knows when we may meet again else come say the next day i want you to stand between and me and keep us asunder would you love each other too much without me the personal history and experience yes or hate laughed no matter which come say the next day i said the next day and he put on his great coat and lighted his cigar and set off to walk home finding him in this intention i put on my own great coat but did not light my own cigar having had enough of that for one while and walked with him as far as the open road a dull road then at night he was in great spirits all the way and when we parted and i looked after him going so gallantly and homeward i thought of his saying ride on over all obstacles and win the race and wished for the first time that he had some worthy race to run i was in my own room when mr s letter tumbled on the floor thus reminded of it i broke the seal and read as follows it was dated an hour and a half before dinner i am not sure whether i have mentioned that when mr was at any particularly desperate crisis he used a sort of legal which he seemed to think equivalent to winding up his affairs sir for i dare not say my dear it is expedient that i should inform
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you that the is crushed some flickering efforts to spare you the premature knowledge of his position you may observe in him this day but hope has sunk beneath the horizon and the is crushed the present communication is within the personal range i cannot call it the society of an individual in a state closely on employed by a that individual is in legal possession of the premises under a distress for rent his not only the and effects of every description belonging to the as yearly tenant of this habitation but also those to mr thomas a member of the honourable society of the inner temple if any drop of gloom were wanting in the overflowing cup which is now commended in the language of an immortal writer to the lips of the it would be found in the fact that a friendly acceptance granted to the by the before mentioned mr thomas for the sum of s d is over due and is not provided for also in the fact that the living clinging to the will in the course of nature be increased by the sum of one more helpless victim whose miserable appearance may be looked for in round numbers at the of a period not exceeding six months from the present date after thus much it would be a work of to add that dust and ashes are for ever scattered on the head of poor i knew enough of mr by this time to foresee that he might be expected to recover the blow but my night s rest was sorely distressed by thoughts of and of the s daughter who was one of ten down in and who was such a dear girl and who would wait for ominous praise until she was sixty or any age that could be mentioned of david chapter i visit at his home again i mentioned to mr in the morning that i wanted leave of absence for a short time and as i was not in the receipt of any salary and consequently was not to the there was no difficulty about it i took that opportunity with my voice sticking in my throat and my sight failing as i uttered the words to express my hope that miss was quite well to which mr replied with no more emotion than if he had been speaking of an ordinary human being that he was much obliged to me and she was very well we clerks as of the order of were treated with so much consideration that i was almost my own master at all times as i did not care however to get to before one or two o clock in the day and as we had another little case in court that morning which was called the office of the judge promoted by against for his soul s i passed an hour two in attendance on it with mr very agreeably it arose out of a between two one of whom was alleged to have pushed the other against a pump the handle of which pump projecting into a school house which school house was under a of the made the push an offence it was an amusing case and sent me up to on the box of the stage coach thinking about the and what mr had said about touching the and bringing down the country mrs was pleased to see me and so was i was agreeably surprised to find that was not there and that we were attended by a modest little parlor maid with blue ribbons in her cap whose eye it was much more pleasant and much less to catch by accident than the eye of that respectable man but what i particularly observed before i had been half an hour in the house was the close and attentive watch miss kept upon me and the lurking manner in which she seemed to compare my face with s and s with mine and to lie in wait for something to come out between the two so surely as i looked towards her did i see that eager with its gaunt black eyes and searching brow intent on mine or passing suddenly from mine to s or both of us at once in this like scrutiny she was so far from faltering when she saw i observed it that at such a time she only fixed her piercing look upon me with a more intent expression still as i was and knew that i was in reference to any wrong she could possibly suspect me of i shrunk before her strange eyes quite unable to endure their hungry lustre all day she seemed to the whole house if i talked to the personal history and experience in his room i heard her dress rustle in the little gallery outside when he and i engaged in some of our old exercises on the lawn behind the house i saw her face pass from window to window like a wandering light until it fixed itself in one and watched us when we all four went out walking in the afternoon she closed her thin hand on my arm like a spring to keep me back while and his mother went on out of hearing and then spoke to me you have been a long time she said without coming here is your profession really so engaging and interesting as to your whole attention i ask because i always want to be informed when i am ignorant is it really though i replied that i liked it well enough but that i certainly could not claim so much for it oh i am glad to know that because i always like to be put right when i am wrong said you mean it is a little dry well i replied perhaps it a little dry oh and that
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his glass because it s considered softening to the passages by which this troublesome breath of mine gets into action but lord bless you said mr it ain t the passages that s out of order give me breath enough says i to my daughter and j ll find passages my dear he really had no breath to spare and it was very alarming to see him laugh when he was again in a condition to be talked to i thanked him the personal history and experience for the proffered refreshment which i declined as i had just had dinner and observing that i would wait since he was so good as to invite me until his daughter and his son in law came back i inquired how little well sir said mr removing his pipe that he might rub his chin i tell you truly i shall be glad when her marriage has taken place why so i inquired well she s unsettled at present said mr it ain t that she s not as pretty as ever for she s prettier i do assure you she is prettier it ain t that she don t work as well as ever for she does she was worth any six and she is worth any six but somehow she wants heart if you understand said mr after rubbing his chin again and smoking a little what i mean in a general way by the expression a long pull and a strong pull and a pull altogether my i should say to you that that was in a general way what i miss in em ly mr s face and manner went for so much that i could nod my head as his meaning my quickness of apprehension seemed to please him and he went on now i consider this is principally on account of her being in an unsettled state you see we have talked it over a good deal her uncle and myself and her sweetheart and myself after business and i consider it is principally on account of her being unsettled you must always recollect of em ly said mr shaking his head gently that she s a most extraordinary affectionate little thing the proverb says you can t make a silk purse out of a sow s ear well i don t know about that i rather think you may if you begin early in life she has made a home out of that old boat sir that stone and marble couldn t beat i am sure she has said i to see the clinging of that pretty little thing to her uncle said mr to see the way she holds on to him and and closer and closer every day is to see a sight now you know there s a struggle going on when that s the case why should it be made a longer one than is needful i listened attentively to the good old fellow and with all my heart in what he said therefore i mentioned to them said mr in a comfortable easy going tone this i said now don t consider em ly nailed down in point of time at all make it your own time her services have been more valuable than was supposed her learning has been quicker than was supposed and can run their pen through what remains and she s free when you wish if she likes to make any little arrangement afterwards in the way of doing any little thing for us at home very well if she don t very well still we re no anyhow for don t you see said mr touching me with his pipe it ain t likely that a man so short of breath as myself and a grandfather too would go and strain points with a little bit of a blue eyed blossom like tier not at all i am certain said i of david not at all you re right said mr well sir her cousin you know it s a cousin she s going to be married to oh yes i replied i know him well of course you do said mr well sir her cousin being as it appears in good work and well to do thanked me in a very manly sort of manner for this conducting himself altogether i must say in a way that gives me a high opinion of him and went and took as comfortable a little house as you or i could wish to clap eyes on that little house is now furnished right through as neat and complete as a doll s parlor and but for s illness having taken this bad turn poor fellow they would have been man and wife i dare say by this time as it is there s a and mr i inquired has she become more settled why that you know he returned rubbing his double chin again can t naturally be expected the prospect of the change and separation and all that is as one may say close to her and far away from her both at once s death needn t put it off much but his lingering might anyway it s an uncertain state of matters you see i see said i consequently pursued mr em ly s still a little down and a little fluttered perhaps upon the whole she s more so than she was every day she seems to get and of her uncle and more loth to part from all of us a kind word from me brings the tears into her eyes and if you was to see her with my daughter s little girl you d never forget it bless my heart alive said mr pondering how she loves that child having so favourable an opportunity it occurred to me to ask mr before our conversation should
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leisure to think before the kitchen fire of pretty little em ly s dread of death which added to what mr had told me i took to be the cause of her being so unlike herself and i had leisure before came down even to think more of the weakness of it as i sat counting the of the clock and deepening my sense of the solemn hush around me took me in her arms and blessed and thanked me over and over again for being such a comfort to her that was what she said in her distress she then entreated me to come up stairs sobbing that mr had always liked me and admired me that he had often talked of me before he fell into a stupor and that she believed in case of his coming to himself again he would up at sight of me if he could up at any earthly thing the probability of his ever doing so appeared to me when i saw him to be very small he was lying with his head and shoulders out of bed in an uncomfortable attitude half resting on the box which had cost m so much pain and trouble i learned that when he was past creeping out of bed to open it and past assuring himself of its safety by means of the rod i had seen him use he had required to have it placed on the chair at the bed side where he had ever since embraced it night and day his arm lay on it now time and the world were slipping from beneath him but the box was there and the last words he had uttered were in an tone old clothes my dear said almost cheerfully bending over him while her brother and i stood at the bed s foot here s my dear boy my dear boy master who brought us together that you sent messages by you know won t you speak to master he was as mute and senseless as the box from which his form derived the only expression it had he s a going out with the tide said mr to me behind his hand my eyes were dim and so were mr s but i repeated in a whisper with the tide people can t die along the coast said mr except when the tide s pretty nigh out they can t be unless it s pretty nigh in not properly born till flood he s a going out with the tide it s ebb at half three slack water half an hour if he lives till it turns he hold his own till past the flood and go out with the next tide the personal history and experience we remained there watching him a long time hours what mysterious influence my presence had upon him in that state of his senses i shall not pretend to say but when he at last began to wander feebly it is certain he was muttering about driving me to school he s coming to himself said mr touched me and whispered with much awe and reverence they are both a going out fast my dear said c p he cried faintly no better woman anywhere look here s master said for he now opened his eyes i was on the point of asking him if he knew me when he tried to stretch out his arm and said to me distinctly with a smile is and it being low water he went out with the tide chapter a greater loss it was not difficult for me on s to resolve to stay where i was until after the remains of the poor should have made their last journey to she had long ago bought out of her own a little piece of ground in our old churchyard near the grave of her sweet girl as she always called my mother and there they were to rest in keeping company and doing all i could for her little enough at the utmost i was as grateful i rejoice to think as even now could wish myself to have been but i am afraid i had a supreme satisfaction of a personal and professional nature in taking charge of mr s will and its contents i may claim the merit of having originated the suggestion that the will should be looked for in the box after some search it was found in the box at the bottom of a horse s nose bag wherein besides hay there was discovered an old gold watch with chain and which mr had worn on his wedding day and which had never been seen before or since a silver tobacco in the form of a leg an imitation full of minute cups and which i have some idea mr must have purchased to present to me when i was a child and afterwards found himself unable to part with eighty seven guineas and a half in guineas and half guineas two hundred and ten pounds in perfectly clean bank notes certain for bank of england stock an old horse shoe a bad shilling a piece of and an shell the circumstance of the latter article having been much and displaying colours on the inside i conclude that mr had some op david c general ideas about pearls which never resolved themselves into anything definite for years and years mr had carried this box on all his journeys every day that it might the better escape notice he had invented a fiction that it belonged to mr and was to be left with till called for a fable he had written on the lid in characters now scarcely he had all these years i found to good purpose his property in money amounted to nearly three thousand pounds of this he the interest of one thousand
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to mr for his life on his the principal to be equally divided between little and me or the or of us share and share alike ail the rest he died possessed of he to whom he left and sole of that his last will and testament i felt myself quite a when i read this document aloud with all possible ceremony and set forth its provisions any number of times to those whom they concerned i began to think there was more in the than i had supposed i examined the will with the deepest attention pronounced it perfectly formal in all respects made a or so in the margin and thought it rather extraordinary that i knew so much in this pursuit in making an account for of all the property into which she had come in arranging all the affairs in an orderly manner and in being her and adviser on every point to our joint delight i passed the week before the funeral i did not see little in that interval but they told me she was to be quietly married in a fortnight i did not attend the funeral in character if i may venture to say so i mean i was not dressed up in a black cloak and a to frighten the birds but i walked over to early in the morning and was in the churchyard when it came attended only by and her brother the mad gentleman looked on out of my little window mr s baby its heavy head and rolled its eyes at the clergyman over its nurse s shoulder mr breathed short in the background no one else was there and it was very quiet we walked about the churchyard for an hour after all was over and pulled some young leaves from the tree above my mother s grave a dread falls on me here a cloud is lowering on the distant town towards which i my solitary steps i fear to approach it i cannot bear to think of what did come upon that memorable night of what must come again if i go on it is no worse because i write of it it would be no better if i stopped my most unwilling hand it is done nothing can undo it nothing can make it otherwise than as it was my old nurse was to go to london with me next day on the business of the will little was passing that day at mr s we were all to meet in the old that night ham would bring at the usual hour i would walk back at my leisure the brother and sister would return as they had come and be expecting us when the day closed in at the fireside the personal history and experience i parted from them at the gate where visionary had rested with random s in the days of and instead of going straight back walked a little distance on the road to then i turned and walked back towards i stayed to dine at a decent some mile or two from the i have mentioned before and thus the day wore away and it was evening when i reached it was falling heavily by that time and it was a wild night but there was a moon behind the clouds and it was not dark i was soon within sight of mr s house and of the light within it shining through the window a little across the sand which was heavy brought me to the door and i went in it looked very comfortable indeed mr had smoked his evening pipe and there were preparations for some supper by and by the fire was bright the ashes were thrown up the was ready for little in her old place in her own old place sat once more looking but for her dress as if she had never left it she had fallen back already on the society of the work box with saint paul s upon the lid the yard measure in the cottage and the bit of wax candle and there they all were just as if they had never been disturbed mrs appeared to be a little in her old corner and consequently looked quite natural too you re first of the lot r said mr with a happy face t keep in that coat sir if it s wet thank you mr said i giving him my outer coat to hang up it s quite dry so tis said mr feeling my shoulders as a sit ye down sir it ain t o no use saying welcome to you but you re welcome kind and hearty thank you mr i am sure of that well said i giving her a kiss and how are you old woman ha ha laughed mr sitting down beside us and rubbing his hands in his sense of relief from recent trouble and in the genuine of his nature there s not a woman in the sir as i tell her that need to feel more easy in her mind than her she done her by the departed and the departed know d it and the departed done what was right by her as she done what was right by the departed and and and it s all right mrs groaned cheer up my pretty said mr but he shook his head aside at us evidently sensible of the tendency of the late to the memory of the old one t be down cheer up for your own self on y a little bit and see if a good deal more t come not to me dan l returned mrs s to me but to be lone and no no said mr soothing her sorrows yes yes dan l said mrs i ain t a person to live with them as has had money
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left thinks go too with me i had better be a david why how should i ever spend it without you said mr with an air of serious remonstrance what are you a talking on t i want you more now than ever i did i know d i was never wanted before cried mrs with a pitiable and now i m told so how could i expect to be wanted being so lone and and so mr seemed very much shocked at himself for having made a speech capable of this construction but was prevented from replying by s pulling his sleeve and shaking her head after looking at mrs for some moments in sore distress of mind he glanced at the dutch clock rose the candle and put it in the window said mr cheerily we are mrs slightly groaned lighted up to custom tou re a what that s fur sir well it s fur our little em ly tou see the path ain t over light or cheerful dark and when i m here at the hour as she s a home i puts the light in the that you see said mr bending over me with great glee meets two objects she says says em ly s home she says and likewise says em ly my uncle s if i ain t i never have no light showed you re a baby said very fond of him for it if she thought so well returned mr standing with his legs pretty wide apart and rubbing his hands up and down them in his comfortable satisfaction as he looked alternately at us and at the fire i t know but i am not you see to look at not observed no laughed mr not to look at but to to consider on you know i t care bless you now i tell you when i go a looking and looking about that house of our em ly s i m i m said mr with sudden emphasis i can t say more if i t feel as if the things was her a most i takes em up and i puts em down and i touches of em as delicate as if they was our em ly so tis with her little and that i couldn t see one on em rough used a purpose not fur the whole there s a fur you in the form of a great sea said mr his earnestness with a roar of laughter and i both laughed but not so loud it s my opinion you see said mr with a delighted face after some further rubbing of his legs as this is along of my played with her so much and made as we was and french and and every of bless you yes and lions and and i don t know what all when she t no higher than my knee i ve got into the way on it you know why this here candle now said mr holding out his hand towards it know well that she s married and gone i shall put that candle just the same as now i know well that when i m here o nights and where else should i live bless your arts whatever i the personal history and experience come into and she ain t here or i ain t i shall put the candle in the and sit afore the fire pretending i m expecting of her like i m a doing now there s a for you said mr with another roar in the form of a sea why at the present minute when i see the candle sparkle up i says to myself she s a looking at it em ly s a coming there s a for you in the form of a sea eight for all that said mr stopping in his roar and his hands together fur here she is it was only ham the night should have turned more wet since i came in for he had a large sou hat on over his face where s em ly said mr ham made a motion with his head as if she were outside mr took the light from the window trimmed it put it on the table and was busily stirring the fire when ham who had not moved said r will you come out a minute and see what em ly and me has got to show you we went out as i passed him at the door i saw to my astonishment and fright that he was deadly pale he pushed me hastily into the open air and closed the door upon us only upon us two ham what s the matter r oh for his broken heart how dreadfully he wept i was by the sight of such grief i don t know what i thought or what i dreaded i could only look at him ham poor good fellow for heaven s sake tell me what s the matter my love r the pride and hope of my art her that i d have died for and would die for now she s gone gone em ly s run away oh r think how she s run away when i pray my good and gracious god to kill her her that is so dear above all things sooner than let her come to ruin and disgrace the face he turned up to the troubled sky the quivering of his clasped hands the agony of his figure remain associated with that lonely waste in my remembrance to this hour it is always night there and he is the only object in the scene you re a scholar he said hurriedly and know what s right and best what am i to say in doors how am i
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ever to break it to him r i saw the door move and instinctively tried to hold the latch on the outside to gain a moment s time it was too late mr thrust forth his face and never could i forget the change that came upon it when he saw us if i were to live five hundred years i remember a great wail and cry and the women hanging about him and we all standing in the room i with a paper in my hand which ham had given me mr with his torn open his hair wild his face and lips quite white and blood down his bosom it had sprung from his mouth i think looking at me read it sir he said in a low shivering voice slow please i t know as i can understand of david in the midst of the silence of death i read thus from a blotted letter when you who love me so much better than i ever have deserved even when my mind was innocent see this i shall be far away i shall be fur away he repeated slowly stop em ly fur away well when i leave my dear home my dear home oh my dear home in the morning the letter bore date on the previous night it will be never to come back unless he brings me back a lady this will be found at night many hours after instead of me oh if you knew how my heart is torn if even you that i have wronged so much that never can forgive me could only know what i suffer i am too wicked to write about myself oh take comfort in thinking that i am so bad oh for mercy s sake tell uncle that i never loved him half so dear as now oh don t remember how affectionate and kind you have all been to me don t remember we were ever to be married but try to think as if i died when i was little and was buried somewhere pray heaven that i am going away from have compassion on my uncle tell him that i never loved him half so dear be his comfort love some good girl that will be what i was once to uncle and be true to you and worthy of you and know no shame but me god bless all i pray for all often on my knees if he don t bring me back a lady and i don t pray for my own self i pray for all my parting love to uncle my last tears and my last thanks for uncle that was all he stood long after i had ceased to read still looking at me at length i ventured to take his hand and to entreat him as well as i could to endeavour to get some command of himself he replied i sir i without moving ham spoke to him mr was so far sensible of ms affliction that he wrung his hand but otherwise he remained in the same state and no one dared to disturb him slowly at last he moved his eyes from my face as if he were waking from a vision and cast them round the room then he said in a low voice who s the man i want to know his name ham glanced at me and suddenly i felt a shock that struck me back there s a man suspected said mr who is it r implored ham go out a bit and let me tell him what i must you t ought to hear it sir i felt the shock again i sank down in a chair and tried to utter some reply but my tongue was and my sight was weak i want to know his name i heard said once more for some time past ham faltered there s been a servant about here at odd times there s been a gen n too both of em belonged to one another mr stood fixed as before but now looking at him the servant pursued ham was seen along with our poor girl last night he s been in hiding about here this week or over he was the personal history and experience thought to have gone but he was hiding t stay r t i felt s arm round my neck but i could not have moved if the house had been about to fall upon me a strange and horses was outside town this morning on the road a most afore the day broke ham went on the servant went to it and come from it and went to it again when he went to it again em ly was nigh him the t other was inside he s the man for the lord s love said mr falling back and putting out his hand as if to keep off what he dreaded t tell me his name s r exclaimed ham in a broken voice it ain t no fault of and i am far from laying of it to you but his name is and he s a damned villain mr uttered no cry and shed no tear and moved no more until he seemed to wake again all at once and pulled down his rough coat from its in a corner bear a hand with this i m struck of a heap and can t do it he said impatiently bear a hand and help me well when somebody had done so now give me that hat ham asked him whither he was going i m a going to seek my niece i m a going to seek my em ly i m a going first to in that boat and sink it where i would have mm as i m
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a soul if i had had one thought of was in him as he sat afore me he said wildly holding out his clenched right hand as he sat afore me face to face strike me down dead but i d have him and thought it right i m a going to seek my niece where cried ham himself before the door anywhere i m a going to seek my niece through the i m a going to find my poor niece in her shame and bring her back no one stop me i tell you i m a going to seek my niece no no cried mrs coming between them in a fit of crying no no dan l not as you are now seek her in a little while my lone dan l and that be but right but not as you are now sit ye down and give me your forgiveness for having ever been a to you dan l what have my ever been to this and let us speak a word about them times when she was first an orphan and when ham was too and when i was a poor woman and you took me in it soften your poor heart dan l laying her head upon his shoulder and you bear your sorrow better for you know the promise dan l as you have done it unto one of the least of these you have done it unto me and that can never fail under this roof that s been our shelter for so many many year he was quite passive now and when i heard him crying the impulse that had been upon me to go down upon my knees and ask their pardon for the desolation i had caused and curse yielded to a better feeling my heart found the same relief and i cried too of david the beginning op a long journey what is natural in me is natural in many other men i infer and so i am not afraid to write that i never had loved better than when the ties that bound me to him were broken in the keen distress of the discovery of his i thought more of all that was brilliant in him i softened more towards all that was good in him i did more justice to the qualities that might have made him a man of a noble nature and a great name than ever i had done in the height of my devotion to him deeply as i felt my own unconscious part in his of an honest home i believe that if i had been brought face to face with him i could not have uttered one reproach i should have loved him so well still though he fascinated me no longer i should have held in so much tenderness the memory of my affection for him that i think i should have been as weak as a spirit wounded child in all but the entertainment of a thought that we could ever be re united that thought i never had i felt as he had felt that all was at an end between us what his of me were i have never known they were light enough perhaps and easily dismissed but mine of him were as the of a cherished friend who was dead yes long removed from the scenes of this poor history my sorrow may bear involuntary witness against you at the judgment throne but my angry thoughts or my reproaches never will i know the news of what had happened soon spread through the town that as i passed along the streets next morning i overheard the people speaking of it at their doors many were hard upon her some few were hard upon him but towards her second father and her lover there was but one sentiment among all kinds of people a respect for them in their distress prevailed which was full of gentleness and delicacy the men kept apart when those two were seen early walking with slow steps on the beach and stood in knots talking among themselves it was on the beach close down by the sea that i found them it would have been easy to perceive that they had not slept all last night even if had failed to tell me of their still sitting just as i left them when it was broad day they looked worn and i thought mr s head was bowed in one night more than in all the years i had known him but they were both as grave and steady as the sea itself then lying beneath a dark sky yet with a heavy roll upon it as if it breathed in its rest and touched on the horizon with a strip of silvery light from the unseen sun we have had a of talk sir said mr to me when we y the personal history and experience had all three walked a little while in silence of what we ought and t ought to do but we see our course now i happened to glance at ham then looking out to sea upon the distant light and a frightful thought came into my mind not that his face was angry for it was not i but an expression of stem determination in it that if ever he encountered he would ml him my here sir said mr is done i m a going to seek my he stopped and went on in a firmer voice i ma going to seek her that s my he shook his head when i asked him where he would seek her and inquired if i were going to london to morrow i told him i had not gone to day fearing to lose the chance of being of any service to
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