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him but that i was ready to go when he would i go along with you sir he rejoined if you re agreeable to morrow we walked again for a while in silence ham he presently resumed he hold to his present work and go and live along with my sister the old boat yonder will you desert the old boat mr i gently interposed my station r he returned ain t there no longer and if ever a boat since there was darkness on the face of the deep that one s gone down but no sir no i t mean as it should be deserted fur from that we walked again for a while as before until he explained my wishes is sir as it shall look day and night winter and summer as it has always looked since she first know d it if ever she should come a wandering back i wouldn t have the old place seem to cast her you understand but seem to tempt her to draw to t and to peep in maybe like a ghost out of the wind and rain through the old at the old seat by the fire then maybe r none but there she might take heart to creep in trembling and might come to be laid down in her old bed and rest her weary head where it was once so gay i could not speak to him in reply though i tried every night said mr as lar as the night comes the candle must be stood in its old pane of glass that if ever she should see it it may seem to say come back my child come back if ever there s a knock ham a soft knock dark at your aunt s door t you go nigh it let it be her not you that sees my fallen child he walked a little in front of us and kept before us for some minutes during this interval i glanced at ham again and observing the same expression on his face and his eyes still directed to the distant light i touched his arm twice i called him by his name in the tone in which i might have tried to rouse a before he me when i at last inquired on what his thoughts were so bent he replied on what s afore me r and over yon on the life before you do you mean he had pointed out to sea of david ay r i t rightly know how tis but from over yon there seemed to me to come the end of it like looking at me as if he were waking but with the same determined face what end i asked possessed by my former fear i t know he said thoughtfully i was calling to mind that the beginning of it all did take place here and then the end come but it s gone r he added answering as i think my look you han t no call to be of me but i m i t fare to feel no matters which was as much as to say that he was not himself and quite confounded mr stopping for us to join him we did so and said no more the remembrance of this in with my former thought however haunted me at intervals even until the inexorable end came at its appointed time we approached the old boat and entered mrs no longer in her especial comer was busy preparing breakfast she took mr s hat and placed his seat for him and spoke so comfortably and softly that i hardly knew her dan l my good man said she you must eat and drink and keep up your strength for without it you do try that s a dear soul and if i disturb you with my she meant her chattering tell me so dan l and i won t when she had served us all she withdrew to the window where she employed herself in some shirts and other clothes belonging to mr and neatly folding and packing them in an old bag such as sailors carry meanwhile she continued talking in the same quiet manner all times and seasons you know dan l said mrs i shall be here and every think will look to your wishes i m a poor scholar but i shall write to you odd times when you re away and send my letters to r maybe you write to me too dan l odd times and tell me how you fare to feel upon your lone you be a solitary woman i m said mr no no dan l she returned i shan t be that t you mind me i shall have enough to do to keep a for you mrs meant a home again you come back to keep a here for any that may hap to come back dan l in the fine time i shall set outside the door as i used to do if any should come nigh they shall see the old woman true to em a long way off what a change in mrs in a little time she was another woman she was so devoted she had such a quick perception of what it would be well to say and what it would be well to leave she was so forgetful of herself and so of the sorrow about her that i held her in a sort of veneration the work she did that day there were many things to be brought up from the beach and stored in the as oars sails bags of and the like and though there was abundance of assistance rendered there being not a pair of working hands on all that shore but would have labored hard for mr and been well paid
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y the personal history and experience in being asked to do it yet she persisted all day long in toiling under that she was quite unequal to and to and fro on all sorts of unnecessary errands as to her misfortunes she appeared to have entirely lost the recollection of ever having had any she preserved an cheerfulness in the midst of her sympathy which was not the least astonishing part of the change that had come over her was out of the question i did not even observe her voice to or a tear to escape from her eyes the whole day through until twilight when she and i and mr being alone together and he having fallen asleep in perfect exhaustion she broke into a half suppressed fit of sobbing and crying and taking me to the door said ever bless you r be a friend to him poor dear then she immediately ran out of the house to wash her face in order that she might sit quietly beside him and be found at work there when he should awake in short i left her when i went away at night the and staff of mr s affliction and i could not enough upon the lesson that i read in mrs and the new experience she unfolded to me it was between nine and ten o clock when strolling in a melancholy manner through the town i stopped at mr s door mr had taken it so much to heart his daughter told me that he had been very low and poorly all day and had gone to bed without his pipe a bad hearted girl said mrs there was no good in her ever don t say so i returned you don t think so yes i do cried mrs angrily no no said i mrs tossed her head endeavouring to be very stern and cross but she could not command her softer self and began to cry i was young to be sure but i thought much the better of her for this sympathy and fancied it became her as a virtuous wife and mother very well indeed what will she ever do sobbed where will she go what will become of her oh how could she be so cruel to herself and him i remembered the time when was a young and pretty girl and i was glad that she remembered it too so my little said mrs has only just now been got to sleep even in her sleep she is sobbing for em ly ah day long little has cried for her and asked me over and over again whether em ly was wicked what can i say to her when em ly tied a ribbon off her own neck round little s the last night she was here and laid her head down on the pillow beside her till she was fast asleep the ribbon s round my little s neck now it ought not to be perhaps but what can i do em ly is very bad but they were fond of one another and the child knows nothing mrs was so unhappy that her husband came out to take care of her leaving them together i went home to s more melancholy myself if possible than i had been yet that good creature i mean all by her late anxieties of david and sleepless nights was at her brother s where she meant to stay till morning an old woman who had been employed about the house for some weeks past while had been unable to attend to it was the house s only other besides myself as i had no occasion for her services i sent her to bed by no means against her will and sat down before the kitchen fire a little while to think about all this i was it with the of the late mr and was driving out with the tide towards the distance at which ham had looked so singularly in the morning when i was recalled from my wanderings by a knock at the door there was a upon the door but it was not that which made the sound the tap was from a hand and low down upon the door as if it were given by a child it made me start as much as if it had been the knock of a footman to a person of distinction i opened the door and at first looked down to my amazement on nothing but a great umbrella that appeared to be walking about of itself but presently i discovered underneath it miss i might not have been prepared to give the little creature a very kind reception if on her removing the umbrella which her utmost efforts were unable to shut up she had shown me the expression of face which had made so great an impression on me at our first and last meeting but her face as she turned it up to mine was so earnest and when i relieved her of the umbrella which would have been an inconvenient one for the irish giant she wrung her little hands in such an afflicted manner that i rather inclined towards her miss said i after glancing up and down the empty street without distinctly knowing what i expected to see besides how do you come here what is the matter she to me with her short right arm to shut the umbrella for her and passing me hurriedly went into the kitchen when i had closed the door and followed with the umbrella in my hand i found her sitting on the corner of the it was a low iron one with two flat bars at top to stand plates upon in the shadow of the swaying herself backwards and forwards and her hands upon her knees like a person in pain quite
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alarmed at being the only of this visit and the only spectator of this behaviour i exclaimed again pray tell me miss what is the matter are you ill my dear young soul returned miss her hands upon her heart one over the other i am ill here i am very ill to think that it should come to this when i might have known it and perhaps prevented it if i hadn t been a thoughtless fool again her large bonnet very to her figure went backwards and forwards in her swaying of her little body to and fro while a most gigantic bonnet rocked in with it upon the wall i am surprised i began to see you so distressed and serious when she interrupted me yes it s always so she said they are all surprised these young people fairly and full grown to see any natural the personal history and experience feeling in a little thing like me they make a of me use me for their amusement throw me away when they are tired and wonder that i feel more than a toy horse or a wooden soldier yes yes that s the way the old way it may be with others i returned but i do assure you it is not with me perhaps i ought not to be at all surprised to see you as you are now i know so little of you i said without consideration what i thought what can i do returned the little woman standing up and holding out her arms to show herself see what i am my father was and my sister is and my brother is i have worked for sister and brother these many years hard mr all day i must live i do no harm if there are people so or so cruel as to make a jest of me what is left for me to do but to make a jest of myself them and every thing if i do so for the time whose fault is that mine no not miss s i perceived if i had shown myself a sensitive dwarf to your false friend pursued the little woman shaking her head at me with earnestness how much of his help or good will do you think i should ever have had if little who had no hand young gentleman in the making of herself addressed herself to him or the like of him because of her misfortunes when do you suppose her small voice would have been heard little would have as much need to live if she was the bitterest and of but she couldn t do it no she might whistle for her bread and butter till she died of air miss sat down on the again and took out her handkerchief and wiped her eyes be thankful for me if you have a kind heart as i think you have she said that while i know well what i am i can be cheerful and endure it all i am thankful for myself at any rate that i can find my tiny way through the world without being to any one and that in return for all that is thrown at me in folly or vanity as i go along i can throw back if i don t brood over all i want it is the better for me and not the worse for any one if i am a for you giants be gentle with me miss replaced her handkerchief in her pocket looking at me with very intent expression all the while and pursued i saw you in the street just now you may suppose i am not able to walk as fast as you with my short legs and short breath and i couldn t overtake you but i guessed where you came and came after you i have been here before to day but the good woman wasn t at home do you know her i demanded i know of her and about her she replied from and i was there at seven o clock this morning do you remember what said to me about this unfortunate girl that time when i saw you both at the inn the great bonnet on miss s head and the greater bonnet on the wall began to go backwards and forwards again when she asked this question op david i remembered very well what she referred to having had it in my thoughts many times that day i told her so may the father of all evil confound him said the little woman holding up her forefinger between me and her sparkling eyes and ten times more confound that wicked servant but i believed it was you who had a boyish passion for her ip i repeated child child in the name of blind ill fortune cried miss wringing her hands impatiently as she went to and fro again upon the why did you praise her so and blush and look disturbed i could not conceal from myself that i had done this though for a reason very different from her supposition what did i know said miss taking out her handkerchief again and giving one little stamp on the ground whenever at short intervals she applied it to her eyes with both hands at once he was crossing you and you i saw and you were soft wax in his hands i saw had i left the room a minute when his man told me that c young innocence so he called you and you may call him old guilt all the days of your life had set his heart upon her and she was giddy and liked him but his master was resolved that no harm should come of it more for your sake than for hers and that that was their business here how could i but
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believe him i saw soothe and please you by his praise of her you were the first to mention her name you owned to an old admiration of her you were hot and cold and red and white all at once when i spoke to you of her what could i think what did i think but that you were a young in everything but experience and had fallen into hands that had experience enough and could manage you having the fancy for your own good oh oh oh they were afraid of my finding out the truth exclaimed miss getting off the and trotting up and down the kitchen with her two short arms lifted up because i am a sharp little thing i need be to get through the world at all and they deceived me altogether and i gave the poor unfortunate girl a letter which i fully believe was the beginning of her ever speaking to who was left behind on purpose i stood amazed at the revelation of all this looking at miss as she walked up and down the kitchen until she was out of breath when she sat upon the again and drying her face with her handkerchief shook her head for a long time without otherwise moving and without breaking silence my country rounds she added at length brought me to mr the night before last what i happened to find out there about their secret way of coming and going without you which was strange led to my suspecting something wrong i got into the coach from london last night as it came through and was here this morning oh oh oh too late poor little turned so chilly after all her crying and that she turned round on the putting her poor little wet feet in among the ashes to warm them and sat looking at the fire like a large doll i sat in a chair on the other side of the hearth lost in unhappy reflections and looking at the fire too and sometimes at her the personal history and experience i must go she said at last rising as she spoke it s late you don t me meeting her sharp glance which was as sharp as ever when she asked me i could not on that short challenge answer no quite frankly come said she accepting the offer of my hand to help her over the and looking wistfully up into my face you know you wouldn t me if i was a full sized woman i felt that there was much truth in this and i rather ashamed of myself you are a young man she said nodding take a word of advice even from three foot nothing try not to associate bodily defects with mental my good friend except for a solid reason she had got over the now and i had got over my suspicion i told her that i believed she had given me a faithful account of herself and that we had both been instruments in hands she thanked me and said i was a good fellow now mind she exclaimed turning back on her way to the door and looking at me with her forefinger up again i have some reason to suspect from what i have heard my ears are always open i can t afford to spare what powers i have that they are gone abroad but if ever they return if ever any one of them returns while i am alive i am more likely than another going about as i do to find it out soon whatever i know you shall know if ever i can do anything to serve the poor betrayed girl i will do it faithfully please heaven and had better have a at his back than little i placed faith in this last statement when i marked the look with which it was accompanied trust me no more but trust me no less than you would trust a woman said the little creature touching me on the wrist if ever you see me again unlike what i am now and like what i was when you first saw me observe what company i am in call to mind that i am a very helpless and little thing think of me at home with my brother like myself and sister like myself when my day s work is done perhaps you wont then be very hard upon me or surprised if i can be distressed and serious good night i gave miss my hand with a very different opinion of her from that which i had hitherto entertained and opened the door to let her out it was not a trifling business to get the great umbrella up and properly balanced in her grasp but at last i successfully accomplished this and saw it go down the street through the rain without the least appearance of having anybody underneath it except when a heavier fall than usual from some water sent it over on one side and discovered miss struggling violently to get it right after making one or two to her relief which were rendered futile by the umbrella s on again like an immense bird before i could reach it i came in went to bed and slept till morning in the morning i was joined by mr and by my old nurse and we went at an early hour to the coach office where mrs and ham were waiting to take leave of us op david r ham whispered drawing me aside while mr was his bag among the luggage his life is quite broke up he t know he s going he t know what s afore him he s bound upon a voyage that last on and off all the rest of his days take my for t unless he
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finds what he s a seeking of i am sure you be a friend to him r trust me i will indeed said i shaking hands with ham earnestly very kind sir one thing i m in good employ you know r and i han t no way now of spending what i gets money s of no use to me no more except to live if you can lay it out for him i shall do my work with a better art though as to that sir and he spoke very steadily and mildly you re not to think but i shall work at all times like a man and act the best that lays in my power i told him i was well convinced of it and i hinted that i hoped the time might even come when he would cease to lead the lonely life he naturally contemplated now no sir he said shaking his head all that s past and over with me sir no one can never fill the place that s empty but you bear in mind about the money as s at all times some laying by for him him of the fact that mr derived a steady though certainly a very moderate income from the of his late brother i promised to do so we then took leave of each other i cannot leave him even now without remembering with a pang at once his modest fortitude and his great sorrow as to mrs if i were to endeavour to describe how she ran down the street by the side of the coach seeing nothing but mr on the roof through the tears she tried to repress and dashing herself against the people who were coming in the opposite direction i should enter on a task of some difficulty therefore i had better leave her sitting on a baker s door step out of breath with no shape at all remaining in her bonnet and one of her shoes off lying on the pavement at a considerable distance when we got to our journey s end our first pursuit was to look about for a little lodging for where her brother could have a bed we were so fortunate as to find one of a very clean and cheap description over a s shop only two streets removed from me when we had engaged this i bought some cold meat at an eating house and took my fellow travellers home to tea a proceeding i regret to state which did not meet with mrs s approval but quite the contrary i ought to observe however in explanation of that lady s state of mind that she was much offended by s up her widow s gown before she had been ten minutes in the place and setting to work to dust my bed room this mrs regarded in the light of a liberty and a liberty she said was a thing she never allowed mr had made a communication to me on the way to n for which i was not unprepared it was that he first seeing mrs as i felt bound to assist him in this and also to between them with the view of the mother s feelings as the personal history and experience much as possible i wrote to her that night i told her as mildly as i could what his wrong was and what my own share in his injury i said he was a man in very common life but of a most gentle and upright character and that i ventured to express a hope that she would not refuse to see him in his heavy trouble i mentioned two o clock in the afternoon as the hour of our coming and i sent the letter myself by the first coach in the morning at the appointed time we stood at the door the door of that house where i had been a few days since so happy where my youthful confidence and warmth of heart had been yielded up so freely which was closed against me henceforth which was now a waste a ruin no appeared the pleasanter face which had replaced his on the occasion of my last visit answered to our summons and went before us to the drawing room mrs was sitting there glided as we went in from another part of the room and stood behind her chair i saw directly in his mother s face that she knew from himself what he had done it was very pale and bore the traces of deeper emotion than my letter alone weakened by the doubts her fondness would have raised upon it would have been likely to create i thought her more like him than ever i had thought her and i felt rather than saw that the resemblance was not lost on my companion she sat upright in her arm chair with a stately air that it seemed as if nothing could disturb she looked very at mr when he stood before her and he looked quite as at her s keen glance comprehended all of us for some moments not a word was spoken she to mr to be seated he said in a low voice i shouldn t feel it ma am to sit down in this house i d sooner stand and this was succeeded by another silence which she broke thus i know with deep regret what has brought you here what do you want of me what do you ask me to do he put his hat under his arm and feeling in his breast for s letter took it out unfolded it and gave it to her please to read that ma am that s my niece s hand she read it in the same stately and way untouched by its contents as far as i could see and returned it
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house fur me and mine fur me to be in my right senses and expect it with this we departed leaving her standing by her elbow chair a picture of a noble presence and a handsome face we had on way out to cross a paved hall with glass sides and roof over which a vine was trained its leaves and shoots were green then and the day being sunny a pair of glass doors leading to the garden were thrown open entering this way with a noiseless step when we were close to them addressed herself to me you do well she said indeed to bring this fellow here such a of rage and scorn as darkened her face and flashed in her jet black eyes i could not have thought even into that face the made by the hammer was as usual in this excited state of her features strongly marked when the throbbing i had seen before came into it as i looked at her she absolutely lifted up her hand and struck it this is a fellow she said to champion and bring here is he not you are a true man miss i returned you are surely not so unjust a to condemn me why do you bring division between these two mad creatures she returned don t you know that they are both mad with their own and pride is it my doing i returned is it your doing she retorted why do you bring this man here of david he is a deeply injured man miss i replied you may know it i know that james she said with her hand on her bosom as if to prevent the storm that was raging there being loud has a false corrupt heart and is a traitor but what need i know or care about this fellow and his common niece miss i returned you the injury it is sufficient already i will only say at parting that you do him a great wrong i do him no wrong she returned they are a worthless set i would have her whipped mr passed on without a word and went out at the door oh shame miss shame i said indignantly how can you bear to on his affliction i would on them all she answered i would have his house pulled down i would have her on the face in rags and cast out in the streets to starve if i had the power to sit in judgment on her i would see it done see it done i would do it i her if i ever could reproach her with her infamous condition i would go anywhere to do so if i could hunt her to her grave i would if there was any word of comfort that would be a solace to her in her dying hour and only i possessed it i wouldn t part with it for life itself the mere vehemence of her words can convey i am sensible but a weak impression of the passion by which she was possessed and which made itself articulate in her whole figure though her voice instead of being raised was lower than usual no description i could give of her would do justice to my recollection of her or to her entire of herself to her anger i have seen passion in many forms but i have never seen it in such a form as that when i joined mr he was walking slowly and thoughtfully down the hill he told me as soon as i came up with him that having now discharged his mind of what he had doing in london he meant to set out on his travels that night i asked him where he meant to go he only answered i ia going sir to seek my niece we went back to the little lodging over the s shop and there i found an opportunity of repeating to what he had said to me she informed me in return that he had said the same to her that morning she knew no more than i did where he was going but she thought he had some project shaped out in his mind i did not like to leave him under such circumstances and we all three dined together off a pie which was one of the many good things for which was famous and which was curiously on this occasion i recollect well by a miscellaneous taste of tea coffee butter bacon cheese new candles and continually ascending from the shop after dinner we sat for an hour or so near the window without talking much and then mr got up and brought his bag and his stout stick and laid them on the table he accepted from his sister s stock of ready money a small sum on account of his barely enough i should have thought to keep the personal history and experience him for a month he promised to communicate with me when anything him and he his bag about him took his hat and stick and bade us both good bye all good attend you dear old woman he said embracing and you too r shaking hands with me i m a going to seek her fur and wide if she should come home while i m away but ah that ain t like to be or if i should bring her back my meaning is that she and me shall live and die where no one can t reproach her f any hurt should come to me remember that the last words i left for her was my unchanged love is with my darling child and i forgive her he said this solemnly bare headed then putting on his hat he went down the stairs and away we followed to the door it was a warm dusty evening just
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the time when in the great main out of which that bye way turned there was a temporary lull in the eternal tread of feet upon the pavement and a strong red sunshine he turned alone at the corner of our shady street into a glow of light in which we lost him did that hour of the evening come rarely did i wake at night rarely did i look up at the moon or stars or watch the falling rain or hear the wind but i thought of his solitary figure toiling on poor pilgrim and recalled the words i m a going to seek her fur and wide if any hurt should come to me remember that the last words i left for her was my unchanged love is with my darling child and i forgive her chapter all this time i had gone on loving harder than ever her idea was my refuge in disappointment and distress and made some amends to me even for the loss of my friend the more i pitied myself or pitied others the more i sought for consolation in the image of the greater the of deceit and trouble in the world the brighter and the purer shone the star of high above the world i don t think i had any definite idea where came from or in what degree she was related to a higher order of beings but i am quite sure i should have the notion of her being simply human like any other young lady with indignation and contempt if i may so express it i was in i was not merely over head and ears in love with her but i was through and through enough love might have been wrung out of me speaking to drown anybody in and yet there would have remained enough within me and all over me to my entire existence the first thing i did on my own account when i came back was to of david take a night walk to and like the subject of a venerable riddle of my childhood to go round and round the house without ever touching the house thinking about i believe the theme of this incomprehensible was the moon no matter what it was i the moon struck slave of round and round the house and garden for two hours looking through in the getting my chin by dint of violent exertion above the rusty nails on the top blowing kisses at the lights in the windows and calling on the night at intervals to shield my i don t exactly know what from i suppose from fire perhaps from to which she had a great objection my love was so much on my mind and it was so natural to me to confide in when i found her again by my side of an evening with the old set of implements busily making the tour of my wardrobe that i imparted to her in a sufficiently way my great secret was strongly interested bat i could not get her into my view of the case at all she was prejudiced in my favour and quite unable to understand why i should have any or be low spirited about it the young lady might think herself well off she observed to have such a beau and as to her pa she said what did the gentleman expect for gracious sake i observed however that mr s gown and stiff took down a little and inspired her with a greater reverence for the man who was gradually becoming more and more in my eyes every day and about whom a reflected radiance seemed to me to beam when he sat erect in court among his papers like a little light house in a sea of and by the by it used to be uncommonly strange to me to consider i remember as i sat in court too how those dim old judges and doctors wouldn t have cared for if they had known her how they wouldn t have gone out of their senses with rapture if marriage with had been proposed to them how might have sung and played upon that until she led me to the verge of madness yet not have tempted one of those slow an inch out of his road i despised them to a man frozen out old in the of the heart i took a personal offence against them all the bench was nothing to me but an insensible the bar had no more tenderness or poetry in it than the bar of a public house taking the management of s affairs into my own hands with no little pride i proved the will and came to a settlement with the duty office and took her to the bank and soon got everything into an orderly train we varied the legal character of these proceedings by going to see some wax work in street melted i should hope these twenty years and by visiting miss s exhibition which i remember as a of favorable to self examination and repentance and by the tower of london and going to the top of st paul s all these wonders afforded as much pleasure as she was able to enjoy under existing circumstances except i think st paul s which from her long attachment to her became a rival of the picture on the lid and was in some particulars she considered by that work of art s business which was what we used to call common form the personal history and experience business in the and very light and the business was being settled i took her down to the office one morning to pay her bill mr had stepped out old said to get a gentleman sworn for a marriage license but as i knew he would be back directly our place lying close to
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the s and to the general s office too i told to wait we were a little like in the as regarded transactions generally making it a rule to look more or less cut up when we had to deal with in mourning in a similar feeling of delicacy we were always and light hearted with the license therefore i hinted to that she would find mr much recovered from the shock of mr s and indeed he came in like a bridegroom but neither nor i had eyes for him when we saw in company with him mr he was very little changed his hair looked as thick and was certainly as black as ever and his glance was as little to be trusted as of old ah said mr you know this gentleman i believe i made my gentleman a distant bow and barely recognised him he was at first somewhat disconcerted to meet us two together but quickly decided what to do and came up to me i hope he said that you are doing well it can hardly be interesting to you said i yes if you wish to know we looked at each other and he addressed himself to and you said he i am sorry to observe that you have lost your husband it s not the first loss i have had in my life mr replied trembling from head to foot i am glad to hope that there is nobody to blame for this one nobody to answer for it ha said he that s a comfortable reflection you have done your duty i have not worn any body s life away said i am thankful to think no mr i have not and frightened any sweet to an early grave he eyed her gloomily i thought for an instant and said turning his head towards me but looking at my feet instead of my face we are not likely to encounter soon again a source of satisfaction to us both no doubt for such meetings as this can never be agreeable i do not expect that you who always against my just authority exerted for your benefit and should owe me any good will now there is an between us an old one i believe said i interrupting him he smiled and shot as evil a glance at me as could come from his dark eyes it in your baby breast he said it the life of your poor mother you are right i hope you may do better yet i hope you may correct yourself op david here he ended the dialogue which had been carried on in a low voice in a corner of the outer office by passing into mr s room and saying aloud in his manner gentlemen of mr s profession are accustomed to family differences and know how complicated and difficult they always are with that he paid the money for his license and receiving it neatly folded from mr together with a shake of the hand and a polite wish for his happiness and the lady s went out of the office i might have had more difficulty in myself to be silent under his words if i had had less difficulty in upon who was only angry on my account good creature that we were not in a place for and that i her to hold her peace she was so unusually roused that i was glad to compound for an affectionate by this revival in her mind of our old injuries and to make the best i could of it before mr and the clerks mr did not appear to know what the between mr and myself was which i was glad of for i could not bear to acknowledge him even in my own breast remembering what i did of the history of my poor mother mr seemed to think if he thought anything about the matter that my aunt was the leader of the state party in our family and that there was a rebel party commanded by somebody else so i gathered at least from what he said while we were waiting for mr to make out s bill of costs miss he remarked is very firm no doubt and not likely to give way to opposition i have an admiration for her character and i may congratulate you on being on the right side differences between relations are much to be but they are extremely general and the great thing is to be on the right side meaning i take it on the side of the interest good marriage this i believe said mr i explained that i knew nothing about it indeed he said speaking from the few words mr dropped as a man frequently does on these occasions and from what miss let fall i should say it was rather a good marriage do you mean that there is money sir i asked yes said mr i understand there s money beauty too i am told indeed is his new wife young just of age said mr so lately that i should think they had been waiting for that lord deliver her said so very emphatically and unexpectedly that we were all three until came in with the bill old soon appeared however and handed it to mr to look over mr settling his chin in his and rubbing it softly went over the with a air as if it were all s doing and handed it back to with a bland sigh yes he said that s right quite right i should have been extremely happy to have limited these charges to the actual expenditure out of pocket but it is an irksome incident in mv professional z the personal history and experience life that i am not at liberty to consult my own wishes
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i have a partner mr as he said this with a gentle melancholy which was the next thing to making no charge at all i expressed my on s behalf and paid in bank notes then retired to her lodging and mr and i went into court where we had a divorce suit coming on under an ingenious little now i believe but in virtue of which i have seen several marriages of which the merits were these the husband whose name was thomas had taken out his marriage license as thomas only the in case he should not find himself as comfortable as he expected not finding himself as comfortable as he expected or being a little fatigued with his wife poor fellow he now came forward by a friend after being married a year or two and declared that his name was thomas and therefore he was not married at all which the court confirmed to his great satisfaction i must say that i had my doubts about the strict justice of this and was not even frightened out of them by the of wheat which all but mr argued the matter with me he said look at the world there was good and evil in that look at the law there was good and evil in that it was all part of a system very good there you were i had not the to suggest to s father that possibly we might even improve the world a little if we got up early in the morning and took off our coats to the work but i that i thought we might improve the mr replied that he would particularly advise me to dismiss that idea from my mind as not being worthy of my gentlemanly character but that he would be glad to hear from me of what improvement i thought the susceptible taking that part of the which happened to be nearest to us for our man was unmarried by this time and we were out of court and strolling past the office i submitted that i thought the office rather a managed institution mr inquired in what respect i replied with all due deference to his experience but with more deference i am afraid to his being s father that perhaps it was a little that the of that court containing the original wills of all persons leaving effects within the immense province of for three whole centuries should be an accidental building never designed for the purpose by the for their own private not even ascertained to be choked with the important documents it held and positively from the roof to the a speculation of the who took great from the public and crammed the public s wills away anyhow and anywhere having no other object than to get rid of them that perhaps it was a little unreasonable that these in the receipt of profits to eight or nine thousand pounds a year to say nothing of the profits of the and clerks of seats should not be obliged to spend a little of that money in finding a reasonably safe place for the important documents which all classes of people were compelled to hand over to them whether they would or no op david that perhaps it was a little unjust that all the great offices in this great office should be magnificent while the unfortunate in the cold dark room up stairs were the worst rewarded and the least considered men doing important services in london that perhaps it was a little that the principal of all whose duty it was to find the public constantly to this place all needful accommodation should be an enormous in virtue of that post and might be besides a clergyman a the of a stall in a cathedral and what not while the public was put to the inconvenience of which we had a specimen every afternoon when the office was busy and which we knew to be quite monstrous that perhaps in short this office of the of was altogether such a job and such a absurdity that but for its being squeezed away in a corner of saint paul s churchyard which few people knew it must have been turned completely inside out and down long ago mr smiled as i became modestly warm on the subject and then argued this question with me as he had argued the other he said what was it after all it was a question of feeling if the public felt that their wills were in safe keeping and took it for granted that the office was not to be made better who was the worse for it nobody who was the better for it all the very well then the good it might not be a perfect system nothing was perfect but what he objected to was the of the under the office the country had been glorious the into the office and the country would cease to be glorious he considered it the principle of a gentleman to take things as he found them and he had no doubt the office would last our time i deferred to his opinion though i had great doubts of it myself i find he was right however for it has not only lasted to the present moment but has done so in the teeth of a great report made not too willingly eighteen years ago when all these objections of mine were set forth in detail and when the existing for wills was described as equal to the of only two years and a half more what they have done with them since whether they have lost many or whether they sell any now and then to the butter shops i don t know i am glad mine is not there and i hope it may not go there yet awhile i have set
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shone and the birds sang the south wind blew and the wild flowers in the hedges were all to a bud my comfort is miss mills understood me miss mills alone could enter into my feelings thoroughly i don t know how long we were going and to this hour i know as little where we went perhaps it was near perhaps some night opened up the place for the day and shut it for ever when we came away it was a green spot on a hill with soft turf there were shady trees and and as far as the eye could see a rich landscape it was a trying thing to find people here waiting for us and my jealousy even of the ladies knew no bounds but all of my own sex especially one three or four years my elder with a red on which he established an amount of presumption not be endured were my mortal foes we all our baskets and employed ourselves in getting dinner ready bed pretended he could make a which i don t believe and himself on public notice some of the young ladies washed the for him and them under his directions was among these i felt that fate had me against this man and one of us must fall bed made his i wondered how they could eat it nothing should have induced me to touch it and himself into the charge of the wine cellar which he constructed being an ingenious beast in the hollow trunk of a tree by and by i saw him with the majority of a on his plate eating his dinner at the feet of i have but an indistinct idea of what happened for some time after this the personal history and experience object presented itself to my view i was very merry i know but it was hollow merriment i attached myself to a young creature in pink with little eyes and with her desperately she received my attentions with favour but whether on my account solely or because she had any designs on i can t say s health was drunk when i drank it i affected to interrupt my conversation for that purpose and to resume it immediately afterwards i caught s eye as i bowed to her and i thought it looked appealing but it looked at me over the head of and i was the young creature in pink had a mother in green and i rather think the latter separated us from motives of policy there was a general breaking up of the party while the of the dinner were being put away and i strolled off by myself among the trees in a raging and state i was whether i should pretend that i was not well and fly i don t know where upon my gallant grey when and miss mills met me mr said miss mills you are dull i begged her pardon not at all and said miss mills you are dull oh dear no not in the least mr and said miss mills with an almost venerable air enough of this do not allow a trivial misunderstanding to the blossoms of spring which once put forth and can not be renewed i speak said miss mills from experience of the past the remote past the fountains which sparkle in the sun must not be stopped in mere caprice the in the desert of must not be plucked up idly i hardly knew what i did i was burning all over to that extraordinary extent but i took s little hand and kissed it and she let me i kissed miss mills s hand and we all seemed to my thinking to go straight up to the seventh heaven we did not come down again we stayed up there all the evening at first we strayed to and fro among the trees i with s shy arm drawn through mine and heaven knows folly as it all was it would have been a happy fate to have been struck immortal with those foolish feelings and have strayed among the trees for ever but much too soon we heard the others laughing and talking and calling where s so we went back and they wanted to sing would have got the case out of the carriage but told him nobody knew where it was but i so was done for in a moment and got it and i unlocked it and took the out and i sat by her and held her handkerchief and gloves and j drank in every note of her dear voice and she sang to me who loved her and all the others might as much as they liked but they had nothing to do with it i was with joy i was afraid it was too happy to be real and that i should wake in street presently and hear mrs the in getting breakfast ready but sang and others sang and miss mills sang about the echoes in the of memory as if she were a hundred years old and the of david evening came on and we had tea with a kettle boiling fashion and i was still as happy as ever i was happier than ever when the party broke up and the other people defeated and all went their several ways and we went ours through the still evening and the dying light with sweet rising up around us mr being a little drowsy after the champagne honour to the soil that grew the to the that made the wine to the sun that it and to the merchant who it and being fast asleep in a corner of the carriage i rode by the side and talked to she admired my horse and patted him oh what a dear little hand it
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looked upon a horse and her shawl would not keep right and now and then i drew it round her with my arm and i even fancied that began to see how it was and to understand that he must make up his mind to be friends with me that sagacious miss mills too that amiable though quite used up that little of something less than twenty who had done with the world and mustn t on any account have the echoes in the of memory awakened what a kind thing she did mr said miss mills come to this side of the carriage a moment if you can spare a moment i want to speak to you behold me on my gallant grey bending at the side of miss mills with my hand upon the carriage door is coming to stay with me she is coming home with me the day after to morrow if you would like to call i am sure papa would be happy to see you what could i do but a silent blessing on miss mills s head and store miss mills s address in the corner of my memory what could i do but tell miss mills with grateful looks and fervent words how much i appreciated her good offices aud what an value i set upon her friendship then miss mills dismissed me saying go back to and i went and leaned out of the carriage to talk to me and we talked all the rest of the way and i rode my gallant grey so close to the wheel that i his near fore leg against it and took the bark off as his owner told me to the tune of three which i paid and thought extremely cheap for so much joy what time miss mills sat looking at the moon murmuring verses and recalling i suppose the ancient days when she and earth had anything in common was many miles too near and we reached it many hours too soon but mr came to himself a little short of it and said you must come in and rest and i we had and wine and water in the light room blushing looked so lovely that i could not tear myself away but sat there staring in a dream until the of mr inspired me with sufficient consciousness to take my leave so we parted i riding all the way to london with the farewell touch of s hand still light on mine recalling every incident and word ten thousand times lying down in my own bed at last as a young as ever was carried out of his five wits by love when i awoke next morning i was resolute to declare my passion the personal history and experience to and know my fate happiness or misery was now the question there was no other question that i knew of in the world and only could give the answer to it i passed three days in a luxury of wretchedness myself by putting every conceivable variety of construction on all that ever had taken place between and me at last arrayed for the purpose at a vast expense i went to miss mills s with a declaration how many times i went up and down the street and round the square painfully aware of being a much better answer to the old riddle than the original one before i could persuade myself to go up the steps and knock is no matter now even when at last i had knocked and was waiting at the door i had some thought of asking if that were mr s in imitation of poor begging pardon and retreating but i kept my ground mr mills was not at home i did not expect he would be nobody wanted him miss mills was at home miss mills would do i was shown into a room upstairs where miss mills and were was there miss mills was music i recollect it was a new song called affection s and was painting flowers what were my feelings when i recognised my own flowers the identical garden market purchase i cannot say that they were very like or that they particularly resembled any flowers that have ever come under my observation but i knew from the paper round them which was accurately copied what the composition was miss mills was very glad to see me and very sorry her papa was not at home though i thought we all bore that with fortitude miss mills was for a few minutes and then laying down her pen upon affection s got up and left the room i began to think i would put it off till to morrow i hope your poor horse was not tired when he got home at night said lifting up her beautiful eyes it was a long way for him i began to think i would do it to day it was a long way for him said i for he had nothing to him on the journey wasn t he fed poor thing asked i began to think i would put it off till to morrow ye yes i said he was well taken care of i mean he had not the unutterable happiness that i had in being so near you bent her head over her drawing and said after a little while i had sat in the interval in a burning fever and with my legs in a very rigid state you didn t seem to be sensible of that happiness yourself at one time of the day i saw now that i was in for it and it must be done on the spot you didn t care for that happiness in the least said slightly raising her eyebrows and shaking her head when you were sitting by miss i
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by and by the doctors say but in the meantime she has to lie down for a nurses her s the fourth is the mother living i inquired oh yes said she is alive she is a very superior woman indeed but the damp country is not adapted to her constitution and in fact she has lost the use of her limbs dear me said i very sad is it not returned but in a merely domestic of david view it is not so bad as it might be because takes her place she is quite as much a mother to her mother as she is to the other nine i felt the greatest admiration for the virtues of this young lady and honestly with the view of doing my best to prevent the good nature of dies from being imposed upon to the of their joint prospects in life inquired how mr was he is quite well thank you said i am not living with him at present no no you see the truth is said in a whisper he has changed his name to in consequence of his temporary and he don t come out till after dark and then in spectacles there was an execution put into our house for rent mrs was in such a dreadful state that i really couldn t resist giving my name to that second bill we spoke of here you may imagine how delightful it was to my to see the matter settled with it and mrs recover her spirits hum said i not that her happiness was of long duration pursued for unfortunately within a week another execution came in it broke up the establishment i have been living in a apartment since then and the have been very private indeed i hope you won t think it selfish if i mention that the earned off my little round table with the marble top and s flower pot and stand what a hard thing i exclaimed indignantly it was a it was a pull said with his usual at that expression i don t mention it reproachfully however but with a motive the fact is i was unable to them at the time of their in the first place because the having an idea that i wanted them ran the price up to an extravagant extent and in the second place because i hadn t any money now i have kept my eye since upon the s shop said with a great enjoyment of his mystery which is up at the top of court and at last to day i find them put out for sale i have only noticed them from over the way because if the saw me bless you he d ask any price for them what has occurred to me having now the money is that perhaps you wouldn t object to ask that good nurse of yours to come with me to the shop i can show it her from round the corner of the next street and make the best bargain for them as if they were for herself that she can the delight with which this plan to me and the sense he had of its uncommon are among the things in mv remembrance i told him that my old nurse would be delighted to assist him and that we would all three take the field together but on one condition that condition was that he should make a solemn resolution to grant no more of his name or anything else to mr my dear said i have already done so because i begin to feel that i have not only been but that i have been positively unjust to my word being passed to myself the personal history and experience there is no longer any apprehension but i pledge it to you too with the greatest readiness that first unlucky obligation i have paid i have no doubt mr would have paid it if he could but he could not one thing i ought to mention which i like very much in mr it to the second obligation which is not yet due he don t tell me that it is provided for but he says it will be now i think there is something very fair and honest about that i was unwilling to damp my good friend s confidence and therefore assented after a little further conversation we went round to the s shop to to pass the evening with me both because he endured the apprehensions that his property would be bought by somebody else before he could re purchase it and because it was the evening he always devoted to writing to the dearest girl in the world i never shall forget him peeping round the corner of the street in court road while was for the precious articles or his agitation when she came slowly towards us after vainly offering a price and was hailed by the aud went back again the end of the was that she bought the property on tolerably easy terms and was transported with pleasure i am very much obliged to you indeed said on hearing it was to be sent to where he lived that night if i might ask one other favor i hope you wouldn t think it absurd i said beforehand certainly not then if you would be good enough said to to get the flower pot now i think i should like it being s to carry it home myself was glad to get it for him and he overwhelmed her with thanks and went his way up court carrying the affectionately in his arms with one of the most delighted expressions of countenance i ever saw we then turned back towards my chambers as the shops had charms for which i never knew them possess in the same degree for anybody
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this room except the cottage and that i have left to let i want to get a bed for this gentleman to night to save expense perhaps you can make up something here for myself anything will do it s only for to night we talk about this more to morrow i was roused from my amazement and concern for her i am sure for her by her falling on my neck for a moment and crying that she only grieved for me in another moment she suppressed this emotion and said with an aspect more triumphant than dejected we must meet boldly and not suffer them to frighten us my dear we must learn to act the play out we must live misfortune down trot op david chapter depression as soon as i could recover my presence of mind which quite deserted me in the first overpowering shock of my aunt s intelligence i proposed to mr dick to come round to the s shop and take possession of the bed which mr had lately the s shop being in market and market being a very different place in those days there was a low wooden before the door not very unlike that before the house where the little man and woman used to live in the old weather glass which pleased mr dick the glory of lodging over this structure would have him i dare say for many but as there were really few to bear beyond the compound of i have already mentioned and perhaps the want of a more elbow room he was perfectly charmed with his accommodation mrs had indignantly assured him that there wasn t room to swing a cat there but as mr dick justly observed to me sitting down on the foot of the bed nursing his leg you know i don t want to swing a cat i never do swing a cat therefore what does that signify to me i tried to ascertain whether mr dick had any understanding of the causes of this sudden and great change in my aunt s affairs as i might have expected he had none at all the only account he could give of it was that my aunt had said to him the day before yesterday now dick are you really and truly the philosopher i take you for that then he had said yes he hoped so that then my aunt had said dick i am ruined that then he had said oh indeed that then my aunt had praised him highly which he was very glad of and that then they had come to me and had had porter and on the road mr dick was so very complacent sitting on the foot of the bed nursing his leg and telling me this with his eyes wide open and a surprised smile that i am sorry to say i was provoked into explaining to him that ruin meant distress want and starvation but i was soon bitterly for this by seeing his face turn pale and tears course down his lengthened cheeks while he fixed upon me a look of such unutterable woe that it might have softened a far harder heart than mine i took infinitely greater pains to cheer him up again than i had taken to him and i soon understood as i ought to have known at first that he had been so confident merely because of his faith in the wisest and most wonderful of women and his unbounded reliance on my intellectual resources the latter i believe he considered a match for any kind of disaster not absolutely mortal what can we do said mr dick there s the memorial the personal history and experience to be sure there is said i but all we can do just now mr dick is to keep a cheerful countenance and not let my aunt see that we are thinking about it he assented to this in the most earnest manner and implored me if i should see him wandering an inch out of the right course to him by some of those superior methods which were always at my command but regret to state that the fright i had given him proved too much for his best attempts at concealment all the evening his eyes wandered to my aunt s face with an expression of the most dismal apprehension as if he saw her growing thin on the spot he was conscious of this and put a upon his head but his keeping that immovable and sitting rolling his eyes like a piece of machinery did not mend the matter at all i saw him look at the loaf at supper which happened to be a small one as if nothing else stood between us and famine and when my aunt insisted on his making his customary i detected him in the act of fragments of his bread and cheese i have no doubt for the purpose of us with those when we should have reached an advanced stage of my aunt on the other hand was in a composed frame of mind which was a lesson to all of us to me i am sure she was extremely gracious to except when i called her by that name and strange as i knew she felt in london appeared quite at home she was to have my bed and i was to be in the sitting room to keep guard over her she made a great point of being so near the river in case of a and i suppose really did find some satisfaction in that circumstance trot my dear said my aunt when she saw me making preparations for her usual night draught no nothing aunt not wine my dear ale but there is wine here aunt and you always have it made of wine keep that in case of sickness
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said my aunt we mustn t use it carelessly trot ale for me half a pint i thought mr dick would have fallen insensible my aunt being resolute i went out and got the ale myself as it was growing late and mr dick took that opportunity of to the s shop together i parted from him poor fellow at the corner of the street with his great at his back a very monument of human misery my aunt was walking up and down the room when i returned the borders of her with her fingers i warmed the ale and made the toast on the usual principles when it was ready for her she was ready for it with her on and the skirt of her gown turned back on her knees my dear said my aunt after taking a of it it s a great deal better than wine not half so i suppose i looked doubtful for she added tut tut child if nothing worse than ale happens to us we are well off i should think so myself aunt i am sure said i well then why don t you think so said my aunt of david because you aud i are very different people i returned stuff and nonsense trot replied my aunt my aunt went on with a quiet enjoyment in which there was very little affectation if any drinking the warm ale with a and her of toast in it trot said she i don t care for strange faces in general but i rather like that of yours do you know it s better than a hundred pounds to hear you say so said i it s a most extraordinary world observed my aunt rubbing her nose how that woman ever got into it with that name is unaccountable to me it would be much more easy to be born a or something of that sort one would think perhaps she thinks so too it s not her fault said i i suppose not returned my aunt rather the admission but it s very however she s now that s some comfort is uncommonly fond of you trot there is nothing she would leave undone to prove it said i nothing i believe returned my aunt here the poor fool has been begging and praying about handing over some of her money because she has got too much of it a my aunt s tears of pleasure were positively down into the warm ale she s the most ridiculous creature that ever was born said my aunt i knew from the first moment when i saw her with that poor dear blessed baby of a mother of yours that she was the most ridiculous of mortals but there are good points in affecting to laugh she got an opportunity of putting her hand to her eyes having availed herself of it she resumed her toast and her discourse together ah mercy upon us sighed my aunt i know all about it trot and myself had quite a gossip while you were out with dick i know all about it i don t know where these wretched girls expect to go to for my part i wonder they don t knock out their brains against against said my aunt an idea which was probably suggested to her by her contemplation of mine poor said i oh don t talk to me about poor returned my aunt she should have thought of that before she caused so much misery give me a kiss trot i am sorry for your early experience as i bent forward she put her on my knee to detain me and said oh trot trot and so you fancy yourself in love do you aunt i exclaimed as red as i could be i her with my whole soul indeed returned my aunt and you mean to say the little thing is very fascinating i suppose my dear aunt i replied no one can form the least idea what she is ah and not silly said my aunt silly aunt a a the personal history and expert ence i seriously believe it had never once entered my head for a single moment to consider whether she was or not i resented the idea of course but i was in a manner struck by it as a new one altogether not light headed said my aunt light headed aunt i could only repeat this daring speculation with the same kind of feeling with which i had repeated the preceding question well well said my aunt i only ask i don t her poor little couple and so you think you were formed for one another and are to go through a party supper table kind of like two pretty pieces of do you trot she asked me this so kindly and with such a gentle air half playful and half sorrowful that i was quite touched we are young and inexperienced aunt i know i replied and i dare say we say and think a good deal that is rather foolish but we love one another truly i am sure if i thought could ever love anybody else or cease to love me or that i could ever love anybody else or cease to love her i don t know what i should do go out of my mind i think ah trot said my aunt shaking her head and smiling gravely blind blind blind some one that i know trot my aunt pursued after a pause though of disposition has an earnestness of affection in him me of poor baby earnestness is what that somebody must look for to sustain him and improve him trot deep downright faithful earnestness if you only knew the earnestness of aunt i cried oh trot she said again blind blind and without knowing why i felt a vague unhappy loss or
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want of something me like a cloud however said my aunt i don t want to put two young creatures out of conceit with themselves or to make them unhappy so though it is a girl and boy attachment and girl and boy very often mind i don t say always come to nothing still we be serious about it and hope for a prosperous issue one of these days there s time enough for it to come to anything this was not upon the whole very comforting to a lover but i was glad to have my aunt in my confidence and i was of her being fatigued so i thanked her for this mark of her affection and for all her other towards me and after a tender good night she took her into my bedroom how miserable i was when i lay down how i thought and thought about my being poor in mr s eyes about my not being what i thought i was when i proposed to about the necessity of telling what my worldly condition was and her from her engagement if she thought fit about how i should contrive to live during the long term of my articles when i was earning nothing about doing something to assist my aunt and seeing no way of doing anything about coming down to have no money in my pocket and to wear a shabby coat and to be able to carry no little presents and to ride no gallant and to show myself in no agreeable light sordid and selfish as i knew it was and as i tortured bv knowing that it was op david to let my mind run on my own distress so much i was so devoted to that i could not help it i knew that it was base in me not to think more of my aunt and less of myself but so far selfishness was inseparable from and i could not put on one side for any mortal creature how exceedingly miserable i was that night as to sleep i had dreams of poverty in all sorts of shapes but i seemed to dream without the previous ceremony of going to sleep now was ragged wanting to sell matches six bundles for a now i was at the office in a and boots remonstrated with by mr on appearing before the in that airy attire now i was picking up the that fell from old s daily regularly eaten when saint paul s struck one now i was hopelessly endeavouring to get a license to marry having nothing but one of s gloves to offer in exchange which the whole rejected and still more or less conscious of my own room i was always tossing about like a distressed ship in a sea of bed clothes my aunt was restless too for i frequently heard her walking to and fro two or three times in the course of the night attired in a long flannel in which she looked seven feet high she appeared like a disturbed ghost in my room and came to the side of the sofa on which i lay on the first occasion i started up in alarm to learn that she inferred from a particular light in the sky that westminster abbey was on fire and to be consulted in reference to the probability of its street in case the wind changed lying still after that i found that she sat down near me whispering to herself poor boy and then it made me twenty times more wretched to know how she was of me and how i was of myself it was difficult to believe that a night so long to me could be short to anybody else this consideration set me thinking and thinking of an imaginary party where people were dancing the hours away until that became a dream too and i heard the music incessantly playing one tune and saw incessantly dancing one dance without taking the least notice of me the man who had been playing the harp all night was trying in vain to cover it with an ordinary sized when i awoke or i should rather say when i left off trying to go to sleep and saw the sun shining in through the window at last there was an old roman bath in those days at the bottom of one of the streets out of the strand it may be there still in which i have had many a cold plunge dressing myself as quietly as i could and leaving to look after my aunt i tumbled head foremost into it and then went for a walk to i had a hope that this brisk treatment might my wits a little and i think it did them good for i soon came to the conclusion that the first step i ought to take was to try if my articles could be and the recovered i got some breakfast on the heath and walked back to doctors along the watered roads and through a pleasant smell of summer flowers growing in gardens and carried into town on heads intent on this first effort to meet our altered circumstances i arrived at the office so soon after all that i had half an hour s about the before old who was always first appeared with his key then i sat down in my shady corner looking up at the sunlight the personal history and experience on the opposite chimney pots and thinking about until mr came in crisp and curly how are you said he morning beautiful morning sir said i could i say a word to you before you go into court by all means said he come into my room i followed him into his room and he began putting on his gown and touching himself up before a little glass
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he had hanging inside a closet door i am sorry to say said i that i have some rather intelligence from my aunt u no said he dear me not i hope it has no reference to her health sir i replied she has met with some large losses in fact she has very little left indeed you as me cried mr i shook my head indeed sir said i her affairs are so changed that i wished to ask you whether it would be possible at a sacrifice on our part of some portion of the of course i put in this on the spur of the moment warned by the blank expression of his face to my articles what it cost me to make this proposal nobody knows it was like asking as a favor to be to from to your articles i explained with tolerable firmness that i really did not know where my means of were to come from unless i could earn them for myself i had no fear for the future i said and i laid great emphasis on that as if to imply that i should still be decidedly for a law one of these days but for the present i was thrown upon my own resources i am extremely sorry to hear this said mr extremely sorry it is not usual to articles for any such reason it is not a professional course of proceeding it is not a convenient precedent at all far from it at the same time you are very good sir i murmured a concession not at all don t mention it said mr at the same time i was going to say if it had been my lot to have my hands if i had not a partner mr my hopes were dashed in a moment but i made another effort do you think sir said i if i were to mention it to mr mr shook his head heaven forbid he replied that i should do any man an injustice still mr but i know my partner mr is not a man to respond to a proposition of this peculiar nature mr is very difficult to move from the beaten track you know what he is i am sure i knew nothing about him except that he had originally been alone in the business and now lived by himself in a house near square which was fearfully in want of painting that he came very late of a day and went away very early that he never appeared to be consulted about anything and that he had a dingy black hole of up stairs where no business was ever done and where there was a yellow old paper upon his desk by ink and reported to be twenty years of age of david would you object to my mentioning it to him sir i asked by no means said mr but i have some experience of mr i wish it were otherwise for i should be happy to meet your views in any respect i cannot have the least objection to your mentioning it to mr if you think it worth while myself of this permission which was given with a warm shake of the hand i sat thinking about and looking at the sunlight stealing from the chimney pots down the wall of the opposite house until mr came i then went up to mr s room and evidently astonished mr very much by making my appearance there come in mr said mr come in i went in and sat down and stated my case to mr pretty much as i had stated it to mr mr was not by any means the awful creature one might have expected but a large mild man of sixty who took so much snuff that there was a tradition in the that he lived principally on that having little room in his system for any other article of diet you have mentioned this to mr i suppose said mr when he had heard me very to an end i answered tes and told him that mr had introduced his name he said i should object asked mr i was obliged to admit that mr had considered it probable i am sorry to say mr i can t advance your object said mr nervously the fact is but i have an appointment at the bank if you have the goodness to excuse me with that he rose in a great hurry and was going out of the room when i made bold to say that i feared then there was no way of arranging the matter no said mr stopping at the door to shake his head oh no i object you know which he said very rapidly and went out you must be aware mr he added looking in at the door again if mr objects personally he does not object sir said i oh personally repeated mr in an impatient manner i assure you there s an objection mr hopeless what you wish to be done can t be done i i really have got an appointment at the bank with that he fairly ran away and to the best of my knowledge it was three days before he showed himself in the again being very anxious to leave no stone i waited until mr came in and then described what had passed giving him to understand that i was not hopeless of his being able to soften the if he would undertake that task returned mr with a sagacious smile you have not known my partner mr as long a i have nothing is farther from my thoughts than to attribute any degree of to mr but mr has a way of stating his objections which often people no shaking his head mr is not
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to be moved believe me the personal history and experience i was completely bewildered between mr and mr as to which of them really was the partner but i saw with sufficient clearness that there was somewhere in the firm and that the recovery of my aunt s thousand pounds was out of the question in a state of despondency which remember with anything but satisfaction for i know it still had too much reference to myself though always in with i left the office and went homeward i was trying to my mind with the worst and to present to myself the arrangements we should have to make for the future in their aspect when a chariot coming after me and stopping at my very feet occasioned me to look up a fair hand was stretched forth to me from the window and the face i had never seen without a feeling of serenity and happiness from the moment when it first turned back on the old oak staircase with the great broad and when i associated its softened beauty with the stained glass window in the church was smiling on me i joyfully exclaimed oh my dear of all people in the world what a pleasure to see you is it indeed she said in her cordial voice i want to talk to you so much said i it s such a of my heart only to look at you if i had had a s cap there is no one i should have wished for but you what returned well perhaps first i admitted with a blush certainly first i hope said laughing but you next said i where are you going she was going to my rooms to see my aunt the day being very fine she was glad to come out of the chariot which smelt i had my head in it all this time like a stable put under a frame i dismissed the coachman and she took my arm and we walked on together she was like hope embodied to me how different i felt in one short minute having at my side my aunt had written her one of the odd abrupt notes very httle longer than a bank note to which her efforts were usually limited she had stated therein that she had fallen into and was leaving for good but had quite made up her mind to it and was so well that nobody need be uncomfortable about her had come to london to see my aunt between whom and herself there had been a mutual liking these many year indeed it dated from the time of my taking up my residence in mr s house she was not alone she said her papa was with her and and now they are partners said i confound him yes said they have some business here and i took advantage of their coming to come too you must not think my visit all friendly and disinterested for i am afraid i may be cruelly prejudiced i do not like to let papa go away alone with him does he exercise the same influence over mr still shook her head there is such a change at home said she that you would scarcely know the dear old house they live with us now they said i op david mr and his mother he sleeps in your old room said looking up into my face i wish i had the ordering of his dreams said i he wouldn t sleep there long i keep my own little room said where i used to learn my lessons how the time goes you remember the little room that opens from the drawing room remember when i saw you for the first time coming out at the door with your quaint little basket of keys hanging at your side it is just the same said smiling i am glad you think of it so pleasantly we were very happy we were indeed said i i keep that room to myself still but i cannot always desert mrs you know and so said quietly i feel obliged to bear her company when i might prefer to be alone but i have no other reason to complain of her if she me sometimes by her praises of her son it is only natural in a mother he is a very good son to her i looked at when she said these words without in her any consciousness of s design her mild but earnest eyes met mine with their own beautiful frankness and there was no change in her gentle face the chief evil of their presence in the house said is that i cannot be a near papa as i could wish being so much between us and cannot watch over him if that is not too bold a thing to say as closely as i would but if any fraud or treachery is against him i hope that simple love and truth will be stronger in the end i hope that real love and truth are stronger in the end than any evil or misfortune in the world a certain bright smile which i never saw on any other face died away even while i thought how good it was and how familiar it had once been to me and she asked me with a quick change of expression we were drawing very near my street if i knew how the reverse in my aunt s circumstances had been brought about on my replying no she had not told me yet became thoughtful and i fancied i felt her arm tremble in mine we found my aunt alone in a state of some excitement a difference of opinion had arisen between herself and mrs on an abstract question the propriety of chambers being inhabited by the sex and my aunt
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utterly indifferent to on the part of mrs had cut the dispute short by informing that lady that she smelt of my brandy and that she would trouble her to walk out both of these expressions mrs considered and had expressed her intention of bringing before a british meaning it was supposed the of our national liberties my aunt however having had time to cool while was out showing mr dick the soldiers at the horse guards and being besides greatly pleased to see rather herself on the affair than otherwise and received us with good humour when laid her bonnet on the table and sat down beside her i could not but think looking on her mild eyes and her radiant forehead how natural it the personal history and experience seemed to have her there how although she was so young and inexperienced my aunt confided in her how strong she was indeed in simple love and truth we began to talk about my aunt s losses and i told them what i had tried to do that morning which was trot said my aunt but well meant you are a generous boy i suppose i must say young man now and i am proud of you my dear so far so good now trot and let us look the case of in the face and see how it stands i observed turn pale as she looked very attentively at my aunt my aunt patting her cat looked very attentively at said my aunt who had always kept her money matters to herself i don t mean your sister trot my dear but myself had a certain property it don t matter how much enough to live on more for she had saved a little and added to it her property for some time and then by the advice of her man of business laid it out on landed security that did very well and returned very good interest till was paid off i am talking of as if she was a man of war well then had to look about her for a new she thought she was wiser now than her man of business who was not such a good man of business by this time as he used to be i am alluding to your father and she took it into her head to lay it out for herself so she took her pigs said my aunt to a foreign market and a very bad market it turned out to be first she lost in the way and then she lost in the way fishing tip treasure or some such tom nonsense explained my aunt rubbing her nose and then she lost in the way again and last of all to set the thing entirely to rights she lost in the way i don t know what the bank shares were worth for a little while said my aunt cent per cent was the lowest of it i believe but the bank was at the other end of the world and tumbled into space for what i know anyhow it fell to pieces and never will and never can pay sixpence and s were all there and there s an end of them least said mended my aunt concluded this philosophical summary by fixing her eyes with a kind of triumph on whose color was gradually returning dear miss is that all the history said i hope it s enough child said my aunt if there had been more money to lose it wouldn t have been all i dare say would have contrived to throw that after the rest and make another chapter i have little doubt but there was no more money and there s no more story had listened at first with suspended breath her color still came and went but she breathed more freely i thought i knew why i thought she had had some fear that her unhappy father might be in some way to blame for had happened my aunt took her hand in hers and laughed is that all repeated my aunt why yes that s all except and she lived happy ever afterwards perhaps i may add that of yet one of these days now you have a wise head so have you trot in some things though i can t compliment you always and here my aunt shook her own at me with an energy peculiar to herself what s to be done here s the cottage taking one time with of david another will produce say seventy pounds a year i think we may safely put it down at that well that s all we ve got said my aunt with whom it was an as it is with some horses to stop very short when she appeared to be in a fair way of going on for a long while then said my aunt after a rest there s dick he s good for a hundred a year but of course that must be expended on himself i would sooner send him away though i know i am the only person who him than have him and not spend his money on himself how can trot and i do best upon our means what do you say i say aunt i interposed that i must do something go for a soldier do you mean returned my aunt alarmed or go to sea i won t hear of it tou are to be a we re not going to have any on the head in this family if you please sir i was about to explain that i was not desirous of introducing that mode of provision into the family when inquired if my rooms were held for any long term you come to the point my dear said my aunt they are not to be
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of to have made out without her own consent i believe there never was anybody with such an countenance when she chose her face might have been a dead wall on the occasion in question for any light it threw upon her thoughts until she broke silence with her usual well said my aunt and he looked up at her for the first time i have been telling your daughter how well i have been of my money for myself because i couldn t trust it to you as you were growing rusty in business matters we have been taking counsel together and getting on very well all things considered is worth the whole firm in my opinion if i may make the remark said with a i fully agree with miss and should be only too if miss was a partner you re a partner yourself you know returned my aunt and that s about enough for you i expect how do you find yourself sir in acknowledgment of this question addressed to him with extraordinary mr clutching the blue bag he carried replied that he was pretty well he thanked my aunt and hoped she was the same and you master i should say pursued i hope i see you well i am rejoiced to see you even under present circumstances i believed that for he seemed to relish them very much present circumstances is not what your friends would wish for you but it isn t money makes the man it s i am really unequal with my powers to express what it is said with a jerk but it isn t money here he shook hands with me not in the common way but standing at a good distance from me and lifting my hand up and down like a pump handle that he was a little afraid of and how do you think we are looking master i should say don t you find mr blooming sir years don t tell much in our firm master except in raising up the namely mother and self and in developing he added as an after thought the beautiful namely miss he jerked himself about after this compliment in such an intolerable manner that my aunt who had sat looking straight at him lost all patience deuce take the man said my aunt sternly what s he about don t be sir i ask your pardon miss returned i m aware you re nervous go along with you sir said my aunt anything but appeased don t presume to say so i am nothing of the sort if you re an sir conduct yourself hke one if you re a man control your limbs sir e good god said my aunt with great indignation i am not going to be and out of my senses mr was rather abashed as most people might have been by this explosion which derived great additional force from the indignant manner in which my aunt afterwards moved in her chair and shook her the personal history and experience head as if she were making or at him but he said to me aside in a meek voice i am well aware master that miss though an excellent lady has a quick temper indeed i think i had the pleasure of knowing her when i was a clerk before you did master and it s only natural i am sure that it should be made quicker by present circumstances the wonder is that it isn t much worse i only called to say that if there was anything we could do in present circumstances mother or self or and we should be really glad i may go so far said with a sickly smile at his partner said mr in a monotonous forced way is active in the business what he says i quite in you know i had an old interest in you apart from that what says i quite in oh what a reward it is said drawing up one leg at the risk of bringing down upon himself another from my aunt to be so trusted in but i hope i am able to do something to relieve him from the of business master is a great relief to me said mr in the same dull voice it s a load oft my mind to have such a partner the red fox made him say all this i knew to exhibit him to me in the light he had indicated on the night when he poisoned my rest i saw the same ill favored smile upon his face again and saw how he watched me you are not going papa said anxiously will you not walk back with and me he would have looked to i believe before replying if that worthy had not anticipated him i am myself said on business otherwise i should have been to have kept with my friends but i leave my partner to represent the firm miss ever yours i wish you good day master and leave my respects for miss with those words he retired kissing his great hand and at us like a mask we sat there talking about our pleasant old days an hour or two mr left to soon became more like his former self though there was a settled depression upon him which he never shook off for all that he brightened and had an evident pleasure in hearing us recall the little incidents of our old life many of which he remembered very well he said it was like those times to be alone with and me again and he wished to heaven they had never changed i am sure there was an influence in the placid face of and in the very touch of her hand upon his arm that did wonders for him my aunt who was busy nearly all this while
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with in the inner room would not accompany us to the place where they were staying but insisted on my going and i went we dined together after dinner sat beside him as of old and poured out his wine he took what she gave him and no more like a child and we all three sat together at a window as the evening gathered in when it was almost dark he lay down on a sofa his head and bending over him a little while and when she came back to the window it was not so dark but i could see tears glittering in her eyes of david i pray heaven that i never may forget the dear girl in her love and truth at that time of my life for if i should i must be drawing near the end and then i would desire to remember her best she filled my heart with such good resolutions strengthened my weakness so by her example so directed i know not how she was too modest and gentle to advise me in many words the wandering and unsettled purpose within me that all the good i have done and all the harm i have i solemnly believe i may refer to her and how she spoke to me of sitting at the window in the dark listened to my praises of her praised again and round the little shed some glimpses of her own pure light that made it yet more precious and more innocent to me oh sister of my boyhood if i had known then what i knew long afterwards there was a beggar in the street when i went down and as i turned my head towards the window thinking of her calm eyes he made me start by muttering as if he were an echo of the morning blind blind blind chapter enthusiasm i began the next day with another into the bath and then started for i was not now i was not afraid of the shabby coat and had no after gallant my whole manner of thinking of our late misfortune was changed what i had to do was to show my aunt that her past goodness to me had not been thrown away on an insensible ungrateful object what i had to do was to turn the painful discipline of my younger days to account by going to work with a resolute and steady heart what i had to do was to take my s axe in my hand and clear my own way through the forest of difficulty by cutting down the trees until i came to and i went on at a mighty rate as if it could be done by walking when i found myself on the familiar road pursuing such a different errand from that old one of pleasure with which it was associated it seemed as if a complete change had come on my whole life but that did not me with the new life came new purpose new intention great was the labor the reward was the reward and must be won i got into such a transport that i felt quite sorry my coat was not a little shabby already i wanted to be cutting at those trees in the forest of difficulty under circumstances that should prove my strength i had a good mind to ask an old man in wire spectacles who was breaking stones upon the road to lend me his hammer for a while and let me begin to beat a path to out of granite i stimulated myself into such a heat and got so out of breath that i felt as if t had been earning the personal history and experience i don t know how much in this state i went into a cottage that i to let and examined it narrowly for i felt it necessary to be practical it would do for me and admirably with a little fro at garden for to run about in and bark at the through the and a capital room up stairs for my aunt i came out again and faster than ever and dashed up to at such a rate that i was there an hour too early and though i had not been should have been obliged to stroll about to cool myself before i was at all my first care after putting myself under this necessary course of preparation was to find the doctor s house it was not in that part of where mrs lived but quite on the opposite side of the little town when i had made this discovery i went back in an attraction i could not resist to a lane by mrs s and looked over the corner of the garden wall his room was shut up close the doors were standing open and was walking with a quick impetuous step up and down a gravel walk on one side of the lawn she gave me the idea of some fierce thing that was dragging the length of its chain to and fro upon a beaten track and wearing its heart out i came softly away from my place of observation and avoiding that part of the neighbourhood and wishing i had not gone near it strolled about until it was ten o clock the church with the slender spire that stands on the top of the hill now was not there then to tell me the time an old red brick mansion used as a school was in its place and a fine old house it must have been to go to school at as i recollect it when i approached the doctor s cottage a pretty old place on which he seemed to have expended some money if i might judge from the and that had the look of being just completed
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i saw him walking in the garden at the side and all as if he had never left off walking since the days of my he had his old companions about him too for there were plenty of high trees in the neighbourhood and too or three were on the grass looking after him as if they had been written to about him by the and were observing him closely in consequence knowing the utter of his attention from that distance i made bold to open the gate and walk after him so as to meet him when he should turn round when he did and came towards me he looked at me thoughtfully for a few moments evidently without thinking about me at all and then his benevolent face expressed extraordinary pleasure and he took me by both hands why my dear said the doctor you are a man how do you do i am delighted to see you my dear how very much you have improved you are quite yes dear me i hoped he was well and mrs strong too oh dear yes said the doctor s quite well and she be delighted to see you you were always her favorite she said so last night when i showed her your letter and yes to be sure you recollect mr jack perfectly sir of course said the doctor to be sure he s pretty well too has he come home sir i inquired of david from india said the doctor yes mr jack couldn t bear the climate my dear mrs you have not forgotten mrs forgotten the old soldier and in that short time mrs said the doctor was quite vexed about him poor thing so we have got him at home again and we have bought him a little patent place which with him much better i knew enough of mr jack to suspect from this account that it was a place where there was not much to do and which was pretty well paid the doctor walking up and down with his hand on my shoulder and his kind face turned to mine went on now my dear in reference to this proposal of yours it s very gratifying and agreeable to me i am sure but don t you think you could do better you achieved distinction you know when you were with us you are qualified for many good things you have laid a foundation that any edifice may be raised upon and is it not a pity that you should devote the spring time of your life to such a poor pursuit as i can offer i became very glowing again and expressing myself in a style i am afraid urged my request strongly reminding the doctor that i had already a profession well well returned the doctor that s true certainly your having a profession and being actually engaged in studying it makes a difference but my good young friend what s seventy pounds a year it our income doctor strong said i dear me replied the doctor to think of that not that i mean to say it s rigidly limited to seventy pounds a year because i have always contemplated making any young friend i might thus employ a present too undoubtedly said the doctor still walking me up and down with his hand on my shoulder i have always taken an annual present into account my dear said i now really without any nonsense to whom i owe more obligations already than i ever can acknowledge no no interposed the doctor pardon me if you will take such time as i have and that is my mornings and evenings and can think it worth seventy pounds a year you will do me such a service as i cannot express dear me said the doctor innocently to think that so little should go for so much dear dear and when you can do better you will on your word now said the doctor which he had always made a very grave appeal to the honor of us boys on my word sir i returned answering in our old school manner then be it so said the doctor clapping me on the shoulder and still keeping his hand there as we still walked up and down and i shall be twenty times happier sir said i with a little i hope innocent flattery if my employment is to be on the dictionary the doctor stopped clapped me on the shoulder again and exclaimed with a triumph most delightful to behold as if i had penetrated to the depths of mortal sagacity my dear young friend you have hit it it is the dictionary b b the personal history and experience how could it be anything else his pockets were as full of it as his head it was sticking out of him in all directions he told me that since his retirement from life he had been advancing with it wonderfully and that nothing could suit him better than the proposed arrangements for morning and evening work as it was his custom to walk about in the day time with his considering cap on his papers were in a little confusion in consequence of mr jack having lately proffered his occasional services as an and not being accustomed to that occupation but we should soon put right what was amiss and go on afterwards when we were fairly at our work i found mr jack s efforts more troublesome to me than i had expected as he had not confined himself to making numerous mistakes but had so many soldiers and ladies heads over the doctor s manuscript that i often became involved in of obscurity the doctor was quite happy in the prospect of our going to work together on that wonderful performance and we settled to begin next
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morning at seven o clock we were to work two hours every morning and two or three hours every night except on when i was to rest on sundays of course i was to rest also and i considered these very easy terms our plans being thus arranged to our mutual satisfaction the doctor took me into the house to present me to mrs strong whom we found in the doctor s new study his books a freedom which he never permitted anybody else to take with those sacred they had postponed their breakfast on my account and we sat down to table together we had not been seated long when i saw an approaching arrival in mrs strong s face before i heard any sound of it a gentleman on horseback came to the gate and leading his horse into the little court with the bridle over his arm as if he were quite at home tied him to a ring in the empty coach house wall and came into the breakfast parlor whip in hand it was mr jack and mr jack was not at all improved by india i thought i was in a state of ferocious virtue however as to young men who were not cutting down the trees in the forest of difficulty and my impression must be received with due allowance mr jack said the doctor mr jack shook hands with me but not very warmly i believed and with an air of languid patronage at which i secretly took great but his languor altogether was quite a wonderful sight except when he addressed himself to his cousin have you this morning mr jack said the doctor i hardly ever take breakfast sir he replied with his head thrown back in an easy chair i find it me is there any news to day inquired the doctor nothing at all sir replied mr there s an account about the people being hungry and discontented down in the north but they are always being hungry and discontented somewhere the doctor looked grave and said as though he wished to change the subject then there s no news at all and no news they say is good news there s a long statement in the papers sir about a murder observed mr but somebody is always being murdered and i didn t read it of david a display of indifference to all the actions and passions of mankind was not supposed to be such a distinguished quality at that time i think as have observed it to be considered since i have known it very fashionable indeed i have seen it displayed with such success that i have encountered some fine ladies and gentlemen who might as well have been born perhaps it impressed me the more then because it was new to me but it certainly did not tend to my opinion of or to strengthen my confidence in mr jack i came out to inquire whether would like to go to the opera to night said mr turning to her it s the last good night there will be this season and there s a singer there whom she really ought to hear she is perfectly exquisite besides which she is so ugly into languor the doctor ever pleased with what was likely to please his young wife turned to her and said you must go you must go i would rather not she said to the doctor i prefer to remain at home i would much rather remain at home without looking at her cousin she then addressed me and asked me about and whether she should see her and whether she was not likely to come that day and was so much disturbed that i wondered how even the doctor his toast could be blind to what was so obvious but he saw nothing he told her good that she was young and ought to be amused and entertained and must not allow herself to be made dull by a dull old fellow moreover he said he wanted to hear her sing all the new singer s songs to him and how could she do that well unless she went so the doctor persisted in making the engagement for her and mr jack was to come back to dinner this concluded he went to his patent place i suppose but at all events went away on his horse looking very idle i was curious to find out next morning whether she had been she had not but had sent into london to put her cousin off and had gone out in the afternoon to see and had prevailed upon the doctor to go with her and they had walked home by the fields the doctor told me the evening being delightful i wondered then whether she would have gone if had not been in town and whether had some good influence over her too she did not look very happy i thought but it was a good face or a very false one i often glanced at it for she sat in the window all the time we were at work and made our breakfast which we took by as we were employed when i left at nine o clock she was kneeling on the ground at the doctor s feet putting on his shoes and for him there was a softened shade upon her face thrown from some green leaves overhanging the open window of the low room and i thought all the way to doctors of the night when i had seen it looking at him as he read i was pretty busy now up at five in the morning and home at nine or ten at night but i had infinite satisfaction in being so closely engaged and never walked slowly on account and felt that the b b the personal history and experience more i tired myself
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the more i was doing to deserve i had not revealed myself in my altered character to yet because she was coming to see miss mills in a few days and i deferred all i had to tell her until then merely informing her in my letters all our communications were secretly forwarded through miss mills that i had much to tell her in the meantime i put myself on a short allowance of bear s wholly abandoned scented soap and water and sold off three at a prodigious sacrifice as being too luxurious for my stern career not satisfied with all these proceedings but burning with impatience to do something more i went to see now lodging up behind the of a house in castle street mr dick who had been with me to twice already and had resumed his companionship with the doctor i took with me i took mr dick with me because sensitive to my aunt s and sincerely believing that no slave or worked as t did he had begun to fret and worry himself out of spirits and appetite as having nothing useful to do in this condition he felt more incapable of finishing the memorial than ever and the harder he worked at it the oftener that unlucky head of king charles the first got into it seriously that his malady would increase unless we put some innocent deception upon him and caused him to believe that he was useful or unless we could put him in the way of being really useful which would be better i made up my mind to try if could help us before we went i wrote a full statement of all that had happened and wrote me back a capital answer expressive of his sympathy and friendship we found him hard at work with his and papers refreshed by the sight of the stand and the little round table in a corner of the small apartment he received us cordially and made friends with mr dick in a moment mr dick professed an absolute certainty of having seen him before and we both said very likely the first subject on which i had to consult was this i had heard that many men distinguished in various pursuits had begun life by the in parliament having mentioned newspapers to me as one of his hopes i had put the two things together and told in my letter that i wished to know how i could myself for this pursuit now informed me as the result of his inquiries that the mere mechanical acquisition necessary except in rare cases for thorough excellence in it that is to say a perfect and entire command of the mystery of short hand writing and reading was about equal in difficulty to the mastery of six languages and that it might perhaps be attained by dint of perseverance in the course of a few years reasonably supposed that this would settle the business but i only feeling that here indeed were a few tall trees to be down immediately resolved to work my way on to through this thicket axe in hand lam very much obliged to you my dear said i i begin to morrow looked astonished as he well might but he had no notion as et of my condition op david i buy a book said i with a good scheme of this art in it i work at it at the where i haven t half enough to do i take down the speeches in our court for practice my dear fellow i master it dear me said opening his eyes i had no idea you were such a determined character i don t know how he should have had for it was new enough to me i passed that off and brought mr dick on the carpet you see said mr dick wistfully if i could exert myself mr if i could beat a drum or blow anything poor fellow i have little doubt he would have preferred such an employment in his heart to all others who would not have smiled for the world replied but you are a very good sir you told me so excellent said i and indeed he was he wrote with extraordinary neatness don t you think said you could copy writings sir if i got them for you mr dick looked doubtfully at me eh i shook my head mr dick shook his and sighed tell him about the memorial said mr dick i explained to that there was a difficulty in keeping king charles the first out of mr dick s mr dick in the meanwhile looking very and seriously at and his thumb but these writings you know that i speak of are already drawn up and finished said after a little consideration mr dick has nothing to do with them wouldn t that make a difference at all events wouldn t it be well to try this gave us new hope and i laying our heads together apart while mr dick anxiously watched us from his chair we a scheme in virtue of which we got him to work next day with triumphant success on a table by the window in street we set out the work procured for him which was to make i forget how many copies of a legal document about some right of way and on another table we spread the last unfinished original of the great memorial our instructions to mr dick were that he should copy exactly what he had before him without the least departure from the original and that when he felt it necessary to make the slightest allusion to king charles the he should fly to the memorial we him to be resolute in this and left my aunt to observe him my aunt reported to us afterwards that at first he
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was like a man playing the kettle drums and constantly divided his attentions between the two but that finding this and fatigue him and having his copy there plainly before his eyes he soon sat at it in an orderly business like manner and postponed the memorial to a more convenient time in a word although we took great care that he should have no more to do than was good for him and although he did not begin with the beginning of a week he earned by the following saturday night ten shillings and nine pence and never while i live shall i forget his going about to all the shops in the neighbourhood the personal history and experience to change this treasure into or his bringing them to my aunt arranged in the form of a heart upon a waiter with tears of joy and pride in his eyes he was like one under the influence of a charm from the moment of his being employed and if there were a happy man in the world that saturday night it was the grateful creature who thought my aunt the most wonderful woman in existence and me the most wonderful young man no starving now said mr dick shaking hands with me in a corner i provide for her sir and he flourished his ten fingers in the air as if they were ten banks i hardly know which was the better pleased or i it really said suddenly taking a letter out of his pocket and giving it to me put mr quite out of my head the letter mr never missed any possible opportunity of writing a letter was addressed to me by the kindness of t of the inner temple it ran thus my dear you may possibly not be unprepared to receive the intimation that something has turned up i may have mentioned to you on a former occasion that i was in expectation of such an event i am about to establish myself in one of the provincial towns of our favored island where the society may be described as a happy of the agricultural and the in immediate with one of the learned professions mrs and our offspring will accompany me our ashes at a future period will probably be found in the attached to a venerable pile for which the spot to which i refer has acquired a reputation shall i say from china to in bidding adieu to the modern where we have undergone many i trust not mrs and myself cannot disguise from our minds that we part it may be for years and it may be for ever with an individual linked by strong associations to the altar of our domestic life if on the eve of such a departure you will accompany our mutual friend mr thomas to our present abode and there the wishes natural to the occasion you will confer a boon on one who is ever yours i was glad to find that mr had got rid of his dust and ashes and that something really had turned up at last learning from that the invitation referred to the evening then wearing away i expressed my readiness to do honor to it and we went off together to the lodging which mr occupied as mr and which was situated near the top of the gray s inn the resources of this lodging were so limited that we found the now some eight or nine years old in a turn up in the of david family sitting room where mr had prepared in a wash what he called a of the agreeable for which he was famous i had the pleasure on this occasion of the acquaintance of master whom i found a promising boy of about twelve or thirteen very subject to that restlessness of limb which is not an phenomenon in youths of his age i also became once more known to his sister miss in whom as mr told us her mother renewed her youth like the my dear said mr yourself and mr find us on the brink of and will excuse any little to that position glancing round as i made a suitable reply i observed that the family effects were already packed and that the amount of luggage was by no means overwhelming i congratulated mrs on the approaching change my dear mr said mrs of your friendly interest in all our affairs i am well assured my family may consider it if they please but i am a wife and mother and i never will desert mr appealed to by mrs s eye that said mrs that at least is my view my dear mr and mr of the obligation which i took upon myself when i repeated the words i take thee i read the service over with a flat candle on the previous night and the conclusion i derived from it was that i never could desert mr and said mrs though it is possible i may be mistaken in my view of the ceremony i never will my dear said mr a little impatiently i am not conscious that you are expected to do any thing of the sort i am aware my dear mr pursued mrs that i am now about to cast my lot among and i am also aware that the various members of my family to whom mr has written in the most gentlemanly terms announcing that fact have not taken the least notice of mr s communication indeed i may be superstitious said mrs but it appears to me that mr is destined never to receive any answers whatever to the great majority of the communications he writes i may from the silence of my family that they object to the resolution i have taken but i should not allow myself to be from the path of duty mr even
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by my papa and were they still living i expressed my opinion that this was going in the right direction it may be a sacrifice said mrs to one s self in a cathedral town but surely mr if it is a sacrifice in me it is much more a sacrifice in a man of mr s abilities oh you are going to a cathedral town said i mr who had been helping us all out of the wash replied to in fact my dear i have entered into arrangements by virtue of which i stand pledged and contracted to our friend to assist and serve him in the capacity of and to be his confidential clerk the personal history and experience i stared at mr who greatly enjoyed my surprise i am bound to state to you he said with an official air that the business habits and the prudent suggestions of mrs have in a great measure to this result the to which mrs referred upon a former occasion being thrown down in the form of an advertisement was taken up by my friend and led to a mutual recognition of my friend said mr who is a man of remarkable i desire to speak with all possible respect my friend has not fixed the positive at too high a figure but he has made a great deal in the way of from the pressure of pecuniary difficulties on the value of my services and on the value of those services i pin my faith such address and intelligence as i chance to possess said mr himself with the old genteel air will be devoted to my friend s service i have already some acquaintance with the law as a on civil process and i shall immediately apply myself to the of one of the most eminent and remarkable of our english i believe it is unnecessary to add that i allude to mr justice these observations and indeed the greater part of the observations made that evening were interrupted by mrs s discovering that master was sitting on his boots or holding his head on with both arms as if he felt it loose or accidentally kicking under the table or shuffling his feet over one another or producing them at distances from himself apparently outrageous to nature or lying sideways with his hair among the wine glasses or developing his restlessness of limb in some other form with the general interests of society and by master s receiving those discoveries in a spirit i sat all the while amazed by mr s disclosure and wondering what it meant until mrs resumed the thread of the discourse and claimed my attention what i particularly request mr to be careful of is said mrs that he does not my dear mr in applying himself to this subordinate branch of the law place it out of his power to rise ultimately to the top of the tree i am convinced that mr giving his mind to a profession so adapted to his fertile resources and his flow of language must distinguish himself now for example mr said mrs assuming a profound air a judge or even say a does an individual place beyond the pale of those by entering on such an office as mr has accepted my dear observed mr but glancing at too we have time enough before us for the consideration of those questions she returned no your mistake in life is that you do not look forward far enough you are bound in justice to your family if not to yourself to take in at a comprehensive glance the point in the horizon to which your abilities may lead you mr and drank his punch with an air of exceeding satisfaction still glancing at as if he desired to have his opinion of david why the plain state of the case mrs said mildly breaking the truth to her i mean the real fact you know just so said mrs my dear mr i wish to be as and literal as possible on a subject of so much importance is said that this branch of the law even if mr were a regular exactly so returned mrs you are and will not be able to get your eyes back has nothing pursued to do with that only a is eligible for such and mr could not be a without being entered at an inn of court as a student for five years do i follow you said mrs with her most air of business do i understand my dear mr that at the of that period mr would be eligible as a judge or he would be eligible returned with a strong emphasis on that word thank you said mrs that is quite sufficient if such is the case and mr no privilege by entering on these duties my anxiety is set at rest i speak said mrs as a female necessarily but i have always been of opinion that mr possesses what i have heard my papa call when i lived at home the mind and i hope mr is now entering on a field where that mind will itself and take a commanding station i quite believe that mr saw himself in his mind s eye on the he passed his hand complacently over his bald head and said with resignation my dear we will not anticipate the of fortune if i am reserved to wear a wig i am at least prepared in allusion to his for that distinction i do not said mr regret my hair and i may have been deprived of it for a specific purpose i cannot say it is my intention my dear to my son for the church i will not deny that i should be happy on his account to attain to eminence for the
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getting on i made it a rule to take as much out of myself as i possibly could in my way of doing everything to which i applied my energies i made a perfect victim of myself i even entertained some idea of putting myself on a vegetable diet vaguely that in becoming a animal i should sacrifice to as yet was quite unconscious of my desperate firmness otherwise than as my letters darkly it forth but another saturday came and on that saturday evening she was to be at miss mills s and when mr mills had gone to his club to me in the street by a bird cage in the drawing room middle window i was to go there to tea by this time we were quite settled down in street where mr dick continued his in a state of absolute felicity my aunt had obtained a signal victory over mrs by paying her off throwing the first she planted on the stairs out of window and protecting in person up and down the staircase a whom she engaged from the outer world these vigorous measures struck such terror to the breast of mrs that she subsided into her own kitchen under the impression that my aunt was mad my aunt being indifferent to mrs s opinion and everybody else s and rather than the idea mrs of late the bold became within a personal history and experience few days so faint hearted that rather than encounter my aunt upon the staircase she would endeavour to hide her form behind doors leaving visible however a wide margin of flannel or would shrink into dark corners this gave my aunt such unspeakable satisfaction that i believe she took a delight in up and down with her bonnet perched on the top of her head at times when mrs was likely to be in the way my aunt being uncommonly neat and ingenious made so many little improvements in our domestic arrangements that i seemed to be richer instead of poorer among the rest she converted the into a dressing room for me and purchased and a for my occupation which looked as like a in the as a could i was the object of her constant solicitude and my poor mother herself could not have loved me better or studied more how to make me happy had considered herself highly privileged in being allowed to in these labors and although she still retained something of her old sentiment of awe in reference to my aunt bad received so many marks of encouragement and confidence that they were the best friends possible but the time had now come i am speaking of the saturday when i was to take tea at miss mills s when it was necessary for her to return home and enter on the discharge of the duties she had undertaken in behalf of ham so good bye said my aunt and take care of yourself i am sure i never thought i could be sorry to lose you i took to the coach office and saw her off she cried at parting and confided her brother to my friendship as ham had done we had heard nothing of him since he went away that sunny afternoon and now my own dear said if while you re a you should want any money to spend or if when you re out of your time my dear you should want any to set you up and you must do one or other or both my darling who has such a good right to ask leave to lend it you as my sweet girl s own old stupid me i was not so savagely independent as to say anything in reply but that if ever i borrowed money of anyone i would borrow it of her next to accepting a large sum on the spot i believe this gave more comfort than anything i could have done and my dear whispered tell the pretty little angel that i should so have liked to see her only for a minute and tell her that before she my boy i come and make your house so beautiful for you if you let me i declared that nobody else should touch it and this gave such delight that she went away in good spirits i fatigued myself as much as i possibly could in the all day by a variety of devices and at the appointed time in the evening repaired to mr mills s street mr mills who was a terrible fellow to fall asleep after dinner had not yet gone out and there was no in the middle window he kept me waiting so long that i fervently hoped the club would fine him for being late at last he came out and then i saw my own hang up the and peep into the balcony to look for me and run in again when she saw i was there while remained behind to bark of david at an immense butcher s dog in the street who could have taken him like a came to the drawing room door to meet me and came out tumbling over his own under the impression that i was a and we all three went in as happy and loving as could be i soon carried desolation into the bosom of our joys not that i meant to do it but that i was so full of the subject by asking without the smallest preparation if she could love a beggar my pretty little startled her only association with the word was a yellow face and a or a of or a wooden leg or a dog with a stand in his mouth or something of that kind and she stared at me with the most delightful wonder how can you ask me anything so foolish love a beggar
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my own dearest said i i am a beggar how can you be such a silly thing replied my hand as to sit there telling such stories i make bite you her childish way was the most delicious way in the world to me but it was necessary to be explicit and i solemnly repeated my own life i am your ruined david i declare i make bite you said shaking her curls if you are so ridiculous but i looked so serious that left off shaking her curls and laid her trembling little hand upon my shoulder and first looked scared and anxious then began to cry that was dreadful i fell upon my knees before the sofa caressing her and imploring her not to my heart but for some time poor little did nothing but exclaim oh dear oh dear and oh she was so frightened and where was mills and oh take her to mills and go away please until i was almost beside myself at last after an agony of and i got to look at me with a expression of face which i gradually soothed until it was only loving and her soft pretty cheek was lying against mine then i told her with my arms clasped round her how i loved her so dearly and so dearly how i felt it right to offer to release her from her engagement because now i was poor how i never could bear it or recover it if i lost her how i had no fears of poverty if she had none my arm being and my heart inspired by her how i was already working with a courage such as none but lovers knew how i had begun to be practical and to look into the future how a crust well earned was sweeter far than a feast inherited and much more to the same purpose which i delivered in a burst of passionate eloquence quite surprising to myself though i had been thinking about it day and night ever since my aunt had astonished me is your heart mine still dear said i for i knew by her clinging to me that it was oh yes cried oh yes it s all yours oh don t be dreadful dreadful to don t talk about being poor and working hard said closer to me oh don t don t mv dearest love said i the crust well earned the personal history and experience oh yes but i don t want to hear any more about said and must have a mutton chop every day at twelve or he die i was charmed with her childish winning way i fondly explained to that should have his mutton chop with his accustomed regularity i drew a picture of our home made independent by my labor in the little house i had seen at and my aunt in her room up stairs i am not dreadful now said i tenderly oh no no cried but i hope your aunt will keep in her own room a good deal and i hope she s not a scolding old thing if it were possible for me to love more than ever i am sure i did but i felt she was a little it my new born to find that so difficult of communication to her i made another trial when she was quite herself again and was curling s ears as he lay upon her lap i became grave and said my own may i mention something oh please don t be practical said because it me so sweetheart i returned there is nothing to alarm you in all this i want you to think of it quite differently i want to make it nerve you and inspire you oh but that s so shocking cried my love no perseverance and strength of character will enable us to bear much worse things but i haven t got any strength at all said shaking her curls have i oh do kiss and be agreeable it was impossible to resist kissing when she held him up to me for that purpose putting her own bright rosy little mouth into kissing form as she directed the operation which she insisted should be performed on the centre of his nose i did as she bade me myself afterwards for my obedience and she charmed me out of my graver character for i don t know how long but my beloved said i at last it i was going to mention something the judge of the court might have fallen in love with her to see her fold her little hands and hold them up begging and praying me not to be dreadful any more indeed i am not going to be my darling i assured her but my love if you will sometimes think not you know far from that but if you will sometimes think just to encourage yourself that you are engaged to a poor man don t don t pray don t cried it s so very dreadful my soul not at all said i cheerfully if you will sometimes think of that and look about now and then at your papa s housekeeping and endeavour to acquire a little habit of accounts for instance poor little received this suggestion with something that was half a sob and half a scream it will be so useful to us afterwards i went on and if you would promise me to read a little a little book that i would send you it would be so excellent for both of us for our path in life my said i warming with the subject is stony and now of david and it rests with us to smooth it we must fight our way onward we must be brave there are obstacles
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to be met and we must meet and crash them i was going on at a great rate with a clenched hand and a most enthusiastic countenance but it was quite unnecessary to proceed i had said enough i bad done it again oh she was so frightened oh where was mills oh take her to mills and go away please so that in short i was quite distracted and about the drawing room i thought i had killed her this time i sprinkled water on her face i went down on my knees i plucked at my hair i myself as a brute and a beast i implored her forgiveness i her to look up i miss mills s work box for a and in my agony of mind applied an ivory needle case instead and dropped all the needles over i shook my fists at who was as frantic as myself i did every wild extravagance that could be done and was a long way beyond the end of my wits when miss mills came into the room who has done this exclaimed miss mills her friend i replied miss mills i have done it behold the or words to that effect and hid my face from the light in the sofa cushion at first miss mills thought it was a quarrel and that we were on the desert of but she soon found out how matters stood for my dear affectionate little embracing her began exclaiming that i was a poor and then cried for me and embraced me and asked me would i let her give me all her money to keep and then fell on miss mills s neck sobbing as if her tender heart were broken miss mills must have been born to be a blessing to us she ascertained from me in a few words what it was all about comforted and gradually convinced her that i was not a from my manner of stating the case i believe concluded that i was a and went myself up and down a plank all day with a and so brought us together in peace when we were quite composed and had gone up stairs to put some rose water to her eyes miss mills rang for tea in the interval i told miss mills that she was my friend and that my heart must cease to ere i could forget her sympathy i then to miss mills what i had endeavoured so very to to miss mills replied on general principles that the cottage of content was better than the palace of cold splendour and that where love was all was i said to miss mills that this was very true and who should know it better than i who loved with a love that never mortal had experienced yet but on miss mills observing with despondency that it were well indeed for some hearts if this were so i explained that i begged leave to the observation to mortals of the masculine i then put it to miss mills to say whether she considered that there was or was not any practical merit in the suggestion i had been anxious to make concerning the accounts the housekeeping and the book miss mills after some consideration thus replied mi i will be plain with you mental suffering and trial the personal history and experience supply in some natures the place of years and i will be as plain with you as if i were a lady no the suggestion is not appropriate to our our dearest is a favorite child of nature she is a thing of light and and joy i am free to confess that if it could be done it might be well but and miss mills shook her head i was encouraged by this closing admission on the part of miss mills to ask her whether for s sake if she had any opportunity of her attention to such preparations for an earnest life she would avail herself of it mis mills in the affirmative so readily that i further asked her if she would take charge of the book and if she ever could it upon s acceptance without her undertake to do me that crowning service miss mills accepted this trust too but was not sanguine and returned looking such a lovely little creature that i really whether she ought to be troubled with anything so ordinary and she loved me so much and was so particularly when she made stand on his hind legs for toast and when she pretended to hold that nose of his against the hot tea pot for punishment because he wouldn t that i felt a sort of monster who had got into a fairy s bower when i thought of having frightened her and made her cry after tea we had the and sang those same dear old french songs about the impossibility of ever on any account leaving off dancing la ra la la ra la until i felt a much greater monster than before we had only one check to our pleasure and that happened a little while before i took my leave when miss mills to make some allusion to to morrow morning i let out that being obliged to exert myself now i got up at five o clock whether had any idea that i was a private i am unable to say but it made a great impression on her and she neither played nor sang any more it was still on her mind when i bade her adieu and she said to me in her pretty way as if i were a doll i used to think now don t get up at five o clock you naughty boy it s so my love said i i have work to do but don t do it returned why should
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you it was impossible to say to that sweet little surprised face otherwise than lightly aud that we must work to live oh how ridiculous cried how shall we live without said i how any how said she seemed to think she had quite settled the question and gave me such a triumphant little kiss direct from her innocent heart that i would hardly have put her out of conceit with her answer for a fortune well i loved her and i went on loving her most entirely and completely but going on too working pretty hard and busily keeping red hot all the irons i now had in the fire i would sit sometimes of a night opposite my aunt thinking how i had frightened that time and how i could best make my way with a case through the forest of difficulty until i used to fancy that my head was turning quite grey of david chapter a dissolution op i did not allow my resolution with respect to tlie to cool it was one of the irons i began to heat immediately and one of the irons i kept hot and at with a perseverance i may honestly admire i bought an approved scheme of the noble art and mystery of which cost me ten and sixpence and plunged into a sea of perplexity that brought me in a few weeks to the of distraction the changes that were rung upon which in such a position meant such a thing and in such another position something else entirely different the wonderful that were played by circles the unaccountable consequences that resulted from marks like flies legs the tremendous effects of a curve in a wrong place not only troubled my waking hours but reappeared before me in my sleep when i had my way blindly through these difficulties and had mastered the which was an egyptian temple in itself there then appeared a procession of new horrors called arbitrary characters the most characters i have ever known who insisted for instance that a thing like the beginning of a meant expectation and that a pen and ink sky stood for when i had fixed these wretches in my mind i found that they had driven everything else out of it then beginning again i forgot them while i was picking them up i dropped the other fragments of the system in short it was almost heart breaking it might have been quite heart breaking but for who was the stay and anchor of my tempest driven bark every scratch in the scheme was a oak in the forest of difficulty and i went on cutting them down one after another with such vigour that in three or four months i was in a condition to make an experiment on one of our crack in the shall i ever forget how the crack speaker walked off from me before i began and left my pencil staggering about the paper as if it were in a fit this would not do it was quite clear i was flying too high and should never get on so i resorted to for advice who suggested that he should dictate speeches to me at a pace and with occasional adapted to my weakness very grateful for this friendly aid i accepted the proposal and night after night almost every night for a long time we had a sort of private parliament in street after i came home from the doctor s i should like to see such a parliament anywhere else my aunt and mr dick represented the government or the opposition as the case might be and with the assistance of s speaker or a volume of thundered astonishing against them standing by the table with his finger in the page to keep the place c c the personal history and experience and his right arm flourishing above his head as mr mr mr mr lord or mr would work himself into the most violent and deliver the most withering of the and corruption of my aunt and mr dick while i used to sit at a little distance with my note book on my knee after him with all my might and main the and of were not to be exceeded by any real he was for any description of policy in the compass of a week and nailed all sorts of colours to every of mast my aunt looking very like an of the would occasionally throw in an interruption or two as hear or no or oh when the text seemed to require it which was always a signal to mr dick a perfect country gentleman to follow with the same cry but mr dick got with such things in the course of his career and was made responsible for such awful consequences that he became uncomfortable in his mind sometimes i he actually began to be afraid he really had been doing something tending to the of the british constitution and the ruin of the country often and often we pursued these until the clock pointed to midnight and the candles were burning down the result of so much good practice was that by and by began to keep pace with pretty well and should have been quite triumphant if i had had the least idea what my notes were about but as to reading them after i had got them i might as well have copied the chinese on an immense collection of tea or the golden characters on all the great red and green bottles in the shops there was nothing for it but to turn back and begin all over again it was very hard but i turned back though with a heavy heart and began laboriously and to over the same tedious ground at a s pace stopping to examine every speck in the way on all sides and making the most desperate
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my endeavouring to take it from him at the imminent risk of being bitten he kept it between his teeth so as to suffer himself to be held suspended in the air by means of the document at length i obtained of it after it i miss with having many such letters in her possession and ultimately obtained from her the packet which is now in david s hand here she ceased and snapping her again and shutting her mouth looked as if she might be broken but could never be bent you have heard miss said mr turning to me i beg to ask mr if yon have anything to say in reply the picture i had before me of the beautiful little treasure of my heart sobbing and crying all night of her being alone frightened and wretched then of her having so begged and prayed that woman to forgive her of her having vainly offered her those kisses work boxes and of her being in such grievous distress and all for me very much the little dignity i had been able to muster i am afraid i was in a tremulous state for a minute or so though i did my best to disguise it there is nothing i can say sir i returned except that all the blame is mine miss if you please said her father of david was induced and persuaded by me i went on that colder to consent to this concealment and i bitterly regret it you are very much to blame sir said mr walking to and fro upon the hearth rug and what he said with his whole body instead of his head on account of the of his and you have done a stealthy and action mr when i take a gentleman to my house no matter whether he is nineteen twenty nine or ninety i take him there in a spirit of confidence if he my confidence he a action mr i feel it sir i assure you i returned but i never thought so before sincerely honestly indeed mr i never thought so before i love miss to that extent nonsense said mr pray don t tell me to my face that you love my daughter mr could i defend my conduct if i did not sir i returned with all humility can you defend your conduct if you do sir said mr stopping short upon the hearth rug have you considered your years and my daughter s years mr have you considered what it is to the confidence that should between my daughter and myself have you considered my daughter s station in life the projects i may contemplate for her advancement the intentions i may have with reference to her have you considered anything mr very little sir i am afraid i answered speaking to him as respectfully and sorrowfully as i felt but pray believe me i have considered my own worldly position when i explained it to you we were already engaged i beg said mr more like punch than i had ever seen him as he struck one hand upon tbe other i could not help noticing that even in my despair that you will not talk to me of engagements mr the otherwise miss laughed contemptuously in one short syllable when i explained my altered position to you sir i began again a new form of expression for what was so to him this concealment into which i am so unhappy as to have led miss had begun since i have been in that altered position i have strained every nerve i have exerted every energy to improve it i am sure i shall improve it in time will you grant me time any length of time we are both so young sir you are right interrupted mr nodding his head a great many times and frowning very much you are both very young it s all nonsense let there be an end of the nonsense take away those letters and throw them in the fire give me miss s letters to throw in the fire and although our future intercourse must you are aware be to the here we will agree to make no further mention of the past come mr you don t want sense and this is the sensible course the personal history and experience no i couldn t think of agreeing to it i was very sorry but there was a higher consideration than sense love was above all earthly considerations and i loved to and loved me i didn t exactly say so i softened it down as much as i could but i implied it and i was resolute upon it i don t think i made myself very ridiculous but i know i was resolute very well mr said mr i must try my influence with my daughter miss by an expressive sound a long drawn which was neither a sigh nor a moan but was like both gave it as her opinion that he should have done this at first i must try said mr confirmed by this support my influence with my daughter do you decline to take those letters mr for i had laid them on the table yes i told him i hoped he would not think it wrong but i couldn t possibly take them from miss nor from me said mr no i replied with the respect nor from him very well said mr a silence succeeding i was whether to go or stay at length i was moving quietly towards the door with the intention of saying that perhaps i should consult his feelings best by withdrawing when he said with his hands in his coat pockets into which it was as much as he could do to get them and with what i should
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call upon the whole a decidedly pious air tou are probably aware mr that i am not altogether destitute of worldly possessions and that my daughter i my nearest and dearest relative i hurriedly made him a reply to the effect that i hoped the error into which i had been betrayed by the desperate nature of my love did not induce him to think me too i don t allude to the matter in that light said mr it would be better for yourself and all of us if you were mr i mean if you were more discreet and less influenced by all this youthful nonsense no i merely say with quite another view you are probably aware i have some property to to my child i certainly supposed so and you can hardly think said mr having experience of what we see in the here every day of the various unaccountable and proceedings of men in respect of their arrangements of all subjects the one on which perhaps the strangest revelations of human are to be met with but that mine are made i inclined my head in acquiescence i should not allow said mr with an evident increase of pious sentiment and shaking his head as he poised himself upon his toes and heels alternately my suitable provision for my child to be influenced by a piece of youthful folly like the present it is i mere folly mere nonsense in a little while it will weigh lighter than any feather but i might i might if this silly business were not completely of david altogether be induced in some anxious moment to guard her from and surround her with against the consequences of any foolish step in the way of marriage now mr i hope that you will not render it necessary for me to open even for a quarter of an hour that closed page in the book of life and even for a quarter of an hour grave affairs long since composed there was a serenity a tranquillity a calm sunset air about him which quite affected me he was so peaceful and resigned clearly had his affairs in such perfect train and so wound up that he was a man to feel touched in the contemplation of i really think i saw tears rise to his eyes from the depth of his own feeling of all this but what could i do i could not deny and my own heart when he told me i had better take a week to consider of what he had said how could i say i wouldn t take a week yet how could i fail to know that no amount of weeks could influence such love as mine in the meantime confer with miss or with any person with any knowledge of life said mr his with both hands take a week mr i submitted and with a countenance as expressive as i was able to make it of dejected and despairing constancy came out of the room miss s heavy eyebrows followed me to the door i say her eyebrows rather than her eyes because they were much more important in her face and she looked so exactly as she used to look at about that hour of the morning in our parlour at that i could have fancied i had been breaking down in my lessons again and that the dead weight on my mind was that horrible old book with oval shaped to my youthful fancy like the glasses out of spectacles when i got to the office and shutting out old and the rest of them with my hands sat at my desk in my own particular nook thinking of this earthquake that had taken place so unexpectedly and in the bitterness of my spirit cursing i fell into such a state of torment about that i wonder i did not take up my hat and rush to the idea of their her and making her cry and of my not being there to comfort her was so that it impelled me to write a wild letter to mr him not to visit upon her the consequences of my awful destiny i implored him to spare her gentle nature not to crush a fragile flower and addressed him generally to the best of my remembrance as if instead of being her father he had been an or the of this letter i sealed and laid upon his desk before he returned and when he came in i saw him through the half opened door of his room take it up and read it he said nothing about it all the morning but before he went away in the afternoon he called me in and told me that i need not make myself at all uneasy about his daughter s happiness he had assured her he said that it was all nonsense and he had nothing more to say to her he believed he was an indulgent father as indeed he was and i might spare myself any solicitude on her account you may make it necessary if you are foolish or obstinate mr he observed for me to send my daughter abroad again for a term but i have a better opinion of you i hope you will be wiser than the personal history and experience that in a few days as to miss for i had alluded to her in the letter i respect that lady s vigilance and feel obliged to her but she has strict charge to avoid the subject all i desire mr is that it should be forgotten all you have got to do mr is to forget it all in the note i wrote to miss mills i bitterly quoted this all i had to do i said with gloomy sarcasm was to forget
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that was all and what was that i entreated miss mills to see me that evening if it could not be done with mr mills s sanction and i a interview in the back kitchen where the was i informed her that my reason was tottering on its throne and she miss mills could prevent its being i signed myself hers and i couldn t help feeling when i read this composition over before sending it by a porter that it was something in the style of mr however i sent it at night i repaired to miss mills s street and walked up and down until i was stealthily fetched in by miss mills s maid and taken the area way to the back kitchen i have since seen reason to believe that there was nothing on earth to prevent my going in at the front door and being shown up into the drawing room except miss mills s love of the romantic and mysterious in the back kitchen i as became me i went there i suppose to make a fool of myself and i am quite sure i did it miss mills had received a hasty note from telling her that all was discovered and saying oh pray come to me do do but miss mills the of her presence to the higher powers had not yet gone and we were all in the desert of miss mills had a wonderful flow of words and liked to pour them out i could not help feeling though she mingled her tears with mine that she had a dreadful luxury in our she them as i may say and made the most of them a deep gulf she observed had opened between and me and love could only span it with its rainbow love must suffer in this stern world it ever had been so it ever would be so no matter miss mills remarked hearts confined by would burst at last and then love was this was small consolation but miss mills wouldn t encourage hopes she made me much more wretched than i was before and i felt and told her with the deepest gratitude that she was indeed a friend we resolved that she should go to the first thing in the morning and find some means of assuring her either by looks or words of my devotion and misery we parted overwhelmed with grief and i think miss mills enjoyed herself completely i confided all to my aunt when i got home and in spite of all she could say to me went to bed despairing i got up despairing and went out despairing it was saturday morning and i went straight to the i was surprised when i came within sight of our office door to see the ticket standing outside talking together and some half dozen gazing at the windows which were shut up i quickened my pace and passing among them wondering at their looks went hurriedly in of david the clerks were there but nobody was doing anything old for the first time in his life i should think was sitting on somebody else s stool and had not hung up his hat this is a dreadful calamity mr said he as i entered what is i exclaimed what s the matter don t you know cried and all the rest of them coming round me no said i looking from face to face mr said what about him dead i thought it was the office and not i as one of the clerks caught hold of me they sat me down in a chair my aud brought me some water i have no idea whether this took any time dead said i he dined in town yesterday and drove down in the by himself said having sent his own groom home by the coach as he sometimes did you know well the went home without him the horses stopped at the stable gate the man went out with a lantern nobody in the carriage had they run away they were not hot said putting on his glasses no i understand than they would have been going down at the usual pace the reins were broken but they had been dragging on the ground the house was roused up directly and three of them went out along the road they found him a mile off more than a mile off mr interposed a junior was it i believe you are right said more than a mile off not far from the church lying partly on the road side and partly on the path upon his face whether he fell out in a fit or got out feeling ill before the fit came on or even whether he was quite dead then though there is no doubt he was quite insensible no one appears to know if he breathed certainly he never spoke medical assistance was got as soon as possible but it was quite useless i cannot describe the state of mind into which i was thrown by this intelligence the shock of such an event happening so suddenly and happening to one with whom i had been in any respect at the appalling in the room he had occupied so lately where his chair and table seemed to wait for him and his handwriting of yesterday was a ghost the of separating him from the place and feeling when the door opened as if he might come in the lazy hush and rest there was in the office and the relish with which our people talked about it and other people came in and out all day and themselves with the subject this is easily intelligible to any one what i cannot describe is how in the recesses of my own heart i had a lurking jealousy even of death
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how i felt as if its might would push me from my ground in s thoughts how i was in a way i have no words for envious of her grief how it made me restless to think of her weeping to others or being consoled by others how i had the personal history and experience a wish to shut out everybody from her but myself and to be all in all to her at that time of all times in the trouble of this state of mind not exclusively my own i hope but known to others i went down to that night and finding from one of the servants when i made my inquiries at the door that miss mills was there got my aunt to direct a letter to her which i wrote i the death of mr most sincerely and shed tears in doing so i entreated her to tell if were in a state to hear it that he had spoken to me with the utmost kindness and consideration and had coupled nothing but tenderness not a single or word with her name i know i did this to have my name brought before her but i tried to believe it was an act of justice to his memory perhaps i did believe it my aunt received a few lines next day in reply addressed outside to her within to me was overcome by grief and when her friend had asked her should she send her love to me had only cried as she was always crying oh dear papa oh poor papa but she had not said no and that i made the most of mr who had been at since the occurrence came to the office a few days afterwards he and were together for some few moments and then looked out at the door and beckoned me in ob said mr mr and myself mr are about to examine the desk the drawers and other such of the deceased with the view of up his private papers and searching for a will there is no trace of any elsewhere it may be as well for you to assist us if you please i had been in agony to obtain some knowledge of the circumstances in which my would be placed as in whose and so forth and this was something towards it we began the search at once mr the drawers and and we all taking out the papers the office papers we placed on one side and the private papers which were not numerous on the other we were very grave and when we came to a stray seal or pencil case or ring or any little article of that kind which we associated personally with him we spoke very low we had sealed up several and were still going on and quietly when mr said to us applying exactly the same words to his late partner as his late partner had applied to him mr was very difficult to move from the beaten track you know what he was i am disposed to think he had made no will oh i know he had said i they both stopped and looked at me on the very day when i last saw him said i he told me that he had and that his affairs were long since settled mr and old shook their heads with one accord that looks said very said mr surely you don t doubt i began my good mr said laying his hand upon my arm of david and shutting up both his eyes as he shook his head if you had been in the as long as i have you would know that there is no subject which men are so inconsistent and so little to be trusted why bless my soul he made that very remark i replied persistently i should call that almost final observed my opinion is no will it appeared a wonderful thing to me but it turned out that there was no will he had never so much as thought of making one so far as his papers afforded any evidence for there was no kind of hint sketch or of any intention whatever what was scarcely less astonishing to me was that his affairs were in a most disordered state it was extremely difficult i heard to make out what he owed or what he had paid or of what he died possessed it was considered likely that for years he could have had no clear opinion on these subjects himself by little and little it came out that in the competition on all points of appearance and then running high in the he had spent more than his professional income which was not a very large one and had reduced his private means if they ever had been great which was exceedingly doubtful to a very low ebb indeed there was a sale of the furniture and lease at and told me little thinking how interested i was in the story that paying all the just debts of the deceased and his share of bad and doubtful debts due to the firm he wouldn t give a thousand pounds for all the remaining this was at the of about six weeks i had suffered all the time and thought i really must have laid violent hands upon myself when miss mills still reported to me that my broken hearted little would say nothing when i was mentioned but oh poor papa oh dear papa also that she had no other relations than two maiden sisters of mr who lived at and who had not held any other than chance communication with their brother for many years not that they had ever quarrelled miss mills informed me but that having been on the occasion of s invited to tea when they considered themselves
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privileged to be invited to dinner they had expressed their opinion in writing that it was better for the happiness of all parties that they should stay away since which they had gone their road and their brother had gone his these two ladies now emerged from their retirement and proposed to take to live at clinging to them both and weeping exclaimed o yes please take mills and me and to so they went very soon after the funeral how i found time to haunt i am sure i don t know but i contrived by some means or other to about the neighbourhood pretty often miss mills for the more exact discharge of the duties of friendship kept a journal and she used to meet me sometimes on the common and read it or if she had not time to do that lend it to me how i up the of which i a monday my sweet d still much depressed headache called attention to j as being beautifully sleek d j associations thus awakened opened of sorrow bush of grief admitted are tears the of the heart j m the personal history and experience tuesday d weak and nervous beautiful in do we not remark this in moon likewise j m d j m and j took in carriage j looking out of window and barking violently at occasioned smile to features of d of such slight links is chain of life composed j m wednesday d comparatively cheerful sang to her as congenial melody evening bells effect not soothing but reverse d affected found sobbing afterwards in own room quoted verses respecting self and young also referred to patience on monument why on monument j m thursday d certainly improved better night slight tinge of cheek to mention name of d c introduced same cautiously in course of d immediately overcome oh dear dear oh i have been a naughty and child soothed and drew ideal picture of d c on verge of tomb d again overcome oh what shall i do what shall i do oh take me somewhere much alarmed fainting of d and glass of water from public house poetical sign on door post human life alas j m friday day of incident man appears in kitchen with blue bag for lady s boots left out to heel cook replies no such orders man point cook to inquire leaving man alone with j on cook s return man still point but ultimately goes j missing d distracted information sent to police man to be identified by broad nose and legs like of bridge search made in every direction no j d weeping bitterly and reference to young appropriate but towards evening strange boy calls brought into parlour broad nose but no says he wants a pound and knows a dog to explain further though much pressed pound being produced by d takes cook to little house where j alone tied up to leg of table joy of d who dances round j while he eats his supper by this happy change mention d c upstairs d afresh cries oh don t don t don t it is so wicked to think of anything but poor papa embraces j and sobs herself to sleep must not d c confide himself to the broad of time j m miss mills and her journal were my sole consolation at this period to see her who had seen but a little while before to trace the letter of s name through her sympathetic pages to be made more and more miserable by her were my only comforts i felt as if i had been living in a palace of cards which had tumbled down leaving only miss mills and me among the ruins as if some grim had drawn a magic circle round the innocent goddess of my heart which nothing indeed but those same strong capable of carrying so many people over so much would enable me to enter op david and my aunt beginning i imagine to be made seriously uncomfortable by my prolonged made a pretence of being anxious that i should go to to see that all was working well at the cottage which was let and to conclude an agreement with the same tenant for a longer term of occupation was into the service of mrs strong where i saw her every day she had been on leaving whether or no to give the finishing touch to that of mankind in which she had been educated by marrying a pilot but she decided against that venture not so much for the sake of principle i believe as because she happened not to like him although it required an effort to leave miss mills i fell rather willingly into my aunt s pretence as a means of me to pass a few tranquil hours with i consulted the good doctor relative to an absence of three days and the doctor wishing me to take that he wished me to take more but my energy could not bear that i made up my mind to go as to the i had no great occasion to be particular about my duties in that quarter to say the we were getting in no very good among the tip top and were rapidly sliding down to but a doubtful position the business had been indifferent under mr before mr s time and although it had been quickened by the of new blood and by the display which mr made still it was not established on a sufficiently strong basis to bear without being shaken such a blow as the sudden loss of its active manager it fell off very much mr notwithstanding his reputation in the firm was an easy going incapable sort of man whose reputation out of doors was not calculated to back it up i was turned over
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to him now and when i saw him take his snuff and let the business go i regretted my aunt s thousand pounds more than ever but this was not the worst of it there were a number of on and about the who without being themselves in common form business and got it done by real who lent their names in consideration of a share in the spoil and there were a good many of these too as our house now wanted business on any terms we joined this noble band and threw out to the on and to bring their business to us marriage and small were what we all looked for and what paid us best and the competition for these ran very high indeed and were planted in all the avenues of entrance to the with instructions to do their utmost to cut off all persons in mourning and all gentlemen with anything in their appearance and them to the personal history and experience the offices in which their respective were interested which instructions were so well observed that i myself before i was known by sight was twice into the premises of our principal opponent the conflicting interests of these gentlemen being of a nature to their feelings personal took place and the was even by our principal who had formerly been in the wine trade and afterwards in the sworn line walking about for some days with a black eye any one of these used to think nothing of politely assisting an old lady in black out of a vehicle killing any whom she inquired for representing his employer as the lawful successor and representative of that and bearing the old lady off sometimes greatly affected to his employer s office many were brought to me in this way as to marriage the competition rose to such a pitch that a shy gentleman in want of one had nothing to do but submit himself to the first or be fought for and become the prey of the strongest one of our clerks who was an used in the height of this contest to sit with his hat on that he might be ready to rush out and swear before a any victim who was brought in the system of continues i believe to this day the last time i was in the a civil able person in a white apron out upon me from a doorway and whispering the word in my ear was with great difficulty prevented from taking me up in his arms and me into a s from this let me proceed to i found everything in a satisfactory state at the cottage and was enabled to gratify my aunt exceedingly by that the tenant inherited her and incessant war against having settled the little business i had to there and slept there one night i walked on to early in the morning it was now winter again and the fresh cold windy day and the sweeping brightened up my hopes a little coming into i through the old streets with a sober pleasure that my spirits and my heart there were the old signs the old names over the shops the old people serving i n them it appeared so long since i had been a there that i wondered the place was so little changed until i reflected how little i was changed myself strange to say that quiet influence which was inseparable in my mind from seemed to even the city where she dwelt the venerable cathedral towers and the old and whose airy voices made them more retired than perfect silence would have done j the battered once stuck full with statues long thrown down and away like the who had gazed upon them the still where the growth of centuries crept over ends and ruined walls the ancient houses the pastoral landscape of field orchard and garden everywhere on everything i felt the same air the same calm thoughtful softening spirit arrived at mr s house i found in the little lower room on the ground floor where had been of old accustomed to sit mr his pen with great he was dressed in a legal looking suit of black and loomed and large in that small office of david mr was extremely glad to see me but a little confused too he would have conducted me immediately into the presence of but i declined i know the house of old you recollect said i and will find my way up stairs how do you like the law mr my dear he replied to a man possessed of the higher imaginative powers the objection to legal studies is the amount of detail which they involve even in our professional correspondence said mr glancing at some letters he was writing the mind is not at liberty to to any exalted form of expression still it is a great pursuit a great pursuit he then told me that he had become the tenant of s old house and that mrs would be delighted to receive me once more under her own roof it is humble said mr v to quote a favourite expression of my friend but it may prove the stepping stone to more ambitious accommodation i asked him whether he had reason so far to be satisfied with his friend s treatment of him he got up to ascertain if the door were close shut before he replied in a lower voice my dear a man who labours under the pressure of pecuniary is with the of people at a disadvantage that disadvantage is not diminished when that pressure the drawing of before those are strictly due and all i can say is that my friend has responded to appeals to which i need not more particularly refer in a manner calculated to equally to the honour of his head and of
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his heart i should not have supposed him to be very free with his money either i observed pardon me said mr with an air of i speak of my friend as i have experience i am glad your experience is so favourable i returned you are very obliging my dear said mr and a tune do you see much of mr i asked to change the subject not much said mr mr is i dare say a man of very excellent intentions but he is in short he is i am afraid his partner seeks to make him so said i my dear returned mr after some uneasy on his stool allow me to offer a remark i am here in a capacity of confidence i am here in a position of trust the discussion of some topics even with mrs herself so long the partner of my various and a woman of a remarkable of intellect is i am led to consider with the functions now on me i would therefore take the liberty of suggesting that in our friendly intercourse which i trust will never be disturbed we draw a line on one side of this line said mr representing it on the desk with the office ruler is the whole range of the human the personal history and experience intellect with a trifling exception on the other is that exception that is to say the affairs of messrs and with all belonging and i trust i give no offence to the companion of my youth in this proposition to his cooler judgment though i saw an uneasy change in mr which sat tightly on him as if his new duties were a i felt i had no right to be offended my telling him so appeared to relieve him and he shook hands with me i am charmed said mr let me assure you with miss she is a very superior young lady of very remarkable attractions graces and virtues upon my honour said mr kissing his hand and bowing with his air i do homage to miss hem i am glad of that at least said i if you had not assured us my dear on the occasion of that agreeable afternoon we had the happiness of passing with you that d was your favourite letter said mr i should unquestionably have supposed that a had been so we have all some experience of a feeling that comes over us occasionally of what we are saying and doing having been said and done before in a remote time of our having been surrounded dim ages ago by the same faces objects and circumstances of our knowing perfectly what will be said next as if we suddenly remembered it i never had this mysterious impression more strongly in my life than before he uttered those words i took my leave of mr for the time charging him with my best to all at home as i left him his stool and his pen and rolling his head in his stock to get it into easier writing order i clearly perceived that there was something interposed between him and me since he had come into his new functions which prevented our getting at each other as we used to do and quite altered the character of our intercourse there was no one in the quaint old drawing room though it presented tokens of mrs s i looked into the room still belonging to and saw her sitting by the fire at a pretty old fashioned desk she had writing my darkening the light made her look up what a pleasure to be the cause of that bright change in her attentive face and the object of that sweet regard and welcome ah said i when we were sitting together side by side i have missed you so much lately indeed she replied again and so soon i shook my head i don t know how it is i seem to want some faculty of mind that i ought to have you were so much in the habit of thinking for me in the happy old days here and i came so naturally to you for counsel and support that i really think i have missed acquiring it and what is it said cheerfully i don t know what to call it i replied i think i am earnest and of david i am sure of it said and patient i with a little hesitation yes returned laughing pretty well and yet said i i get so miserable and worried and am so unsteady and in my power of assuring myself that i know i must want shall i call it reliance of some kind call it so if you will said well i returned see here you come to london i rely on you and i have an object and a course at once i am driven out of it i come here and in a moment i feel an altered person the circumstances that distressed me are not changed since i came into this room but an influence comes over me in that short interval that me oh how much for the better what is it what is your secret her head was bent down looking at the fire it s the old story said i don t laugh when i say it was always the same in little things as it is in greater ones my old troubles were nonsense and now they are serious but whenever i have gone away from my adopted sister looked up with such a heavenly face and gave me her hand which i kissed whenever i have not had you to advise and approve in the beginning i have seemed to go wild and to get into all sorts of difficulty when i have come to you at last
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as i have always done i have come to peace and happiness i come home now like a tired traveller and find such a blessed sense of rest i felt so deeply what i said it affected me so sincerely that my voice failed and i covered my face with my hand and broke into tears i write the truth whatever and there were within me as there are within so many of us whatever might have been so different and so much better whatever i had done in which i had wandered away from the voice of my own heart i knew nothing of i only knew that i was fervently in earnest when i felt the rest and peace of having near me in her placid manner with her beaming eyes with her tender voice and with that sweet composure which had long ago made the house that held her quite a sacred place to me she soon won me from this weakness and led me on to tell all that had happened since our last meeting and there is not another word to tell said i when i had made an end of my confidence now my reliance is on you but it must not be on me returned with a pleasant smile it must be on some one else on said i assuredly why i have not mentioned said i a little embarrassed that is rather difficult to i would not for the world say to rely upon because she is the soul of purity and truth but rather difficult to i hardly know how to express it really she is a timid little thing and easily disturbed and frightened some time ago before her father s death when i thought it right to mention to her but i tell you if you will bear with me how it was d d the personal history and experience accordingly i told about my declaration of poverty about the book the housekeeping accounts and all the rest of it oh she remonstrated with a smile just your old headlong way you might have been in earnest in striving to get on in the world without being so very sudden with a timid loving inexperienced girl poor i never heard such sweet kindness expressed in a voice as she expressed in making this reply it was as if i had seen her and tenderly embracing and me by her considerate protection for my hot haste in fluttering that little heart it was as if i had seen in all her fascinating caressing and thanking her and appealing against me and loving me with all her childish innocence i felt so grateful to and admired her so i saw those two together in a bright perspective such well associated friends each the other so much what ought i to do then i inquired after looking at the fire a uttle while what would it be right to do i think said that the honourable course to take would be to write to those two ladies don t you think that any secret course is an unworthy one yes if you think so said i i am poorly qualified to judge of such matters replied with a modest hesitation but i certainly feel in short i feel that your being secret and is not being like yourself like myself in the too high opinion you have of me i am afraid said i like yourself in the of your nature she returned and therefore i would write to those two ladies i would relate as plainly and as openly as possible all that has taken place and i would ask their permission to visit sometimes at their house considering that you are young and striving for a place in life i think it would be well to say that you would readily abide by any conditions they might impose upon you i would entreat them not to dismiss your request without a reference to and to discuss it with her when they should think the time suitable i would not be too vehement said gently or propose too much i would trust to my fidelity and perseverance and to but if they were to frighten again by speaking to her said i and if were to cry and say nothing about me is that likely inquired with the same sweet consideration in her face god bless her she is as easily scared as a bird said i it might be or if the two miss elderly ladies of that sort are odd characters sometimes should not be likely persons to address in that way i don t think returned raising her soft eyes to mine i would consider that perhaps it would be better only to consider whether it is right to do this and if it is to do it i had no longer any doubt on the subject with a lightened heart though with a profound sense of the importance of my task i of david devoted the whole afternoon to the composition of the of this letter for which great purpose her desk to me but first i went down stairs to see mr and i found in possession of a new plaster smelling office built out in the garden looking mean in the midst of a quantity of books and papers he received me in his usual way and pretended not to have heard of my arrival from mr a pretence i took the liberty of he accompanied me into mr s room which was the shadow of its former self having been of a variety of for the accommodation of the new partner and stood before the fire warming his back and his chin with his bony hand while mr and i exchanged greetings you stay with us while you remain in said mr not without a glance
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offended i came out to walk alone because i have had so much company he looked at me sideways and said with his hardest grin you mean mother why yes i do said i ah but you know we re so very he returned and having such a knowledge of our own we must really take care that we re not pushed to the wall by them as isn t all are fair in love sir raising his great hands until they touched his chin he rubbed them softly and softly chuckled looking as like a i thought as anything human could look you see he said still himself in that unpleasant way and shaking his head at me you re quite a dangerous rival master you always was you know do you set a watch upon miss and make her home no home because of me said i oh master those are very words he replied put my meaning into any words you like said i you know what it is as well as i do oh no you must put it into words he said oh really i couldn t myself do you suppose said i myself to be very temperate and quiet with him on account of that i regard miss otherwise than as a very dear sister well master he replied you perceive i am not bound to answer that question you may not you know but then you see you may anything to equal the low cunning of his and of his eyes without the ghost of an i never saw come then i said i for the sake of miss my he exclaimed with a sickly of himself would you be so good as call her master for the sake of heaven bless her thank you for that blessing master he interposed i will tell you what i should under any other circumstances as soon have thought of telling to jack to who sir said stretching out his neck and his ear with his hand to the i returned the most unlikely person i could think of though his own face had suggested the allusion quite as a natural i am engaged to another young lady i hope that contents you upon your soul said i was about indignantly to give my assertion the confirmation he required when he caught hold of my hand and gave it a squeeze the personal history and experience oh master he said if you had only had the condescension to return my confidence when i poured out the fulness of my art the night i put you so much out of the way by sleeping before your sitting room fire i never should have doubted you as it is i m sure i take off mother directly and only too i know you excuse the precautions of affection won t you what a pity master that you didn t condescend to return my confidence i m sure i gave you every opportunity but you never have condescended to me as much as i could have wished i know you have never liked me as i have liked you all this time he was my hand with his damp fingers while i made every effort i decently could to get it away but i was quite unsuccessful he drew it under the sleeve of his colored great coat and i walked on almost upon arm in arm with him shall we turn said by and by me face about towards the town on which the early moon was now shining the distant windows before we leave the subject you ought to understand said i breaking a pretty long silence that i believe to be as far above you and as far removed from all your aspirations as that moon herself peaceful ain t she said yery now confess master that you t liked me quite as i have liked you all along you ve thought me too now i shouldn t wonder i am not fond of professions of i returned or professions of anything else there now said looking and lead coloured in the moonlight didn t i know it but how little you think of the of a person in my station master father and me was both brought up at a foundation school for boys and mother she was likewise brought up at a public sort of charitable establishment they taught us all a deal of not much else that i know of from morning to night we was to be to this person and to that and to pull off our caps here and to make bows there and always to know our place and ourselves before our and we had such a lot of father got the by being so did i father got made a by being he had the character among the of being such a well behaved man that they were determined to bring him in be says father to me and you get on it was what was always being into you and me at school it s what goes down best be says father and you do and really it ain t done bad it was the first time it had ever occurred to me that this detestable cant of false humility might have originated out of the family i had seen the harvest but had never thought of the seed when i was quite a young boy said i got to know what did and i took to it i ate pie with an appetite i stopped at the point of my learning and says i hold hard when you offered to teach me latin i knew better people like to of david be above you says father keep yourself down i am very to the present moment master but i ve got a little power and he said all this i knew
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s no harm done i looked for single motives in every one said mr and i was satisfied i had bound him to me by motives of interest but see what he is oh see what he is you had better stop him if you can cried with his long fore finger pointing towards me he say something presently mind you he ll be sorry to have said afterwards and you be sorry to have heard i say anything cried mr with a desperate air why should i not be in all the world s power if i am in yours of david mind i tell you said continuing to warn me if you don t stop his mouth you re not his friend why shouldn t you be in all the world s power mr because you have got a daughter you and me know what we know don t we let sleeping dogs lie who wants to rouse em i don t can t you see i am as as i can be i tell you if i re gone too far i m sorry what would you have sir oh exclaimed mr wringing his hands what i have come down to be since i first saw you in this house i was on my downward way then but the dreary dreary road i have traversed since weak indulgence has ruined me indulgence in remembrance and indulgence in forgetfulness my natural grief for my child s mother turned to disease my natural love for my child turned to disease i have everything i touched i have brought misery on what i dearly love i know you know i thought it possible that i could truly love one creature in the world and not love the rest i thought it possible that i could truly mourn for one creature gone out of the world and not have some part in the grief of all who mourned thus the lessons of my life have been i have on my own morbid coward heart and it has on me sordid in my grief sordid in my love sordid in my miserable escape from the darker side of both oh see the ruin i am and hate me me he dropped into a chair and weakly sobbed the excitement into which he had been roused was leaving him came out of his corner i don t know all i have done in my said mr putting out his hands as if to my condemnation he knows best meaning for he has always been at my elbow whispering me you see the that he is about my neck you find him in my house you find him in my business you heard him but a httle time ago what need have i to say more you haven t need to say so much nor half so much nor anything at all observed half defiant and half you wouldn t have took it up so if it hadn t been for the wine you think better of it to morrow sir if i have said too much or more than i meant what of it i haven t stood by it the door opened and gliding in without a of colour in her face put her arm round his neck and steadily said papa you are not well come with me he laid his head upon her shoulder as if he were oppressed with heavy shame and went out with her her eyes met mine for but an instant yet i saw how much she knew of what had passed i didn t expect he d cut up so rough master said but it s nothing i be friends with him to morrow it s for his good m anxious for his good i gave him no answer and went upstairs into the quiet room where had so often sat beside me at my books nobody came near me until late at night i took up a book and tried to read i heard the strike twelve and was still reading without knowing what i read when touched me the personal history and experience you will be going early in the morning let us say good bye now she had been weeping but her face then was so calm and beautiful heaven bless you she said giving me her hand dearest i returned i see you ask me not to speak of to night but is there nothing to be done there is god to trust in she replied can i do nothing who come to you with my poor sorrows and make mine so much lighter she replied dear no dear i said it is for me who am so poor in all in which you are so rich goodness resolution all noble qualities to doubt or direct you but you know how much i love you and how much i owe you you will never sacrifice yourself to a mistaken sense of duty more agitated for a moment than i had ever seen her she took her hand from me and moved a step back say you have no such thought dear much more than sister think of the gift of such a heart as yours of such a love as yours oh long long afterwards i saw that face rise up before me with its momentary look not wondering not not oh long long afterwards i saw that look as it did now into the lovely smile with which she told me she had no fear for herself i need have none for her and parted from me by the name of brother and was gone it was dark in the morning when i got upon the coach at the inn door the day was just breaking when we were about to start and then as i sat thinking of
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her came struggling up the coach side through the mingled day and night s head said he in a whisper as he hung by the iron on the roof i thought you d be glad to hear before you went off that there are no squares broke between us i ve been into his room already and we ve made it all smooth why though i m i m useful to him you know and he understands his interest when he isn t in liquor what an agreeable man he is after all master i obliged myself to say that i was glad he had made his apology oh to be sure said when a person s you know what s an apology so easy i say i suppose with a jerk you have sometimes plucked a before it was ripe master i suppose i have i replied i did that last night said but it yet it only wants attending to i can wait in his he got down again as the coachman got up for anything i know he was eating something to keep the raw morning air out but he made motions with his mouth as if the were ripe already and he were his lips over it oh david chapter xl the had a very serious conversation in street that night about the domestic i have detailed in the last chapter my aunt was deeply interested in them and walked up and down the room with her arms folded for more than two hours afterwards whenever she was particularly she always performed one of these and the amount of her might always be estimated by the duration of her walk on this occasion she was so much disturbed in mind as to find it necessary to open the bed room door and make a course for herself the full extent of the bed rooms from wall to wall and while mr dick and i sat quietly by the fire she kept passing in and out along this measured track at an pace with the regularity of a clock when my aunt and i were left to ourselves by mr dick s going out to bed i sat down to write my letter to the two old ladies by that time she was tired of walking and sat by the fire with her s tucked up as usual but instead of sitting in her usual manner holding her glass upon her knee she suffered it to stand neglected on the chimney piece and resting her left elbow on her right arm and her chin on her left hand looked thoughtfully at me as often as i raised my eyes from what i was about i met hers i am in the of my dear she would assure me with a nod but i am and sorry i had been too busy to observe until after she was gone to bed that she had left her night mixture as she always called it on the chimney piece she came to her door with even more than her usual affection of manner when i knocked to her with this discovery but only said i have not the heart to take it trot to night and shook her head and went in again she read my letter to the two old ladies in the morning and approved of it i posted it and had nothing to do then but wait as patiently as i could for the reply i was still in this state of expectation and had been for nearly a week when i left the doctor s one snowy night to walk home it had been a bitter day and a cutting north east wind had blown for some time the wind had gone down with the light and so the snow had come on it was a heavy settled fall i recollect in great and it lay thick the noise of wheels and tread of people were as hushed as if the streets had been strewn that depth with feathers my shortest way home and i naturally took the shortest way on such a night was through saint martin s lane now the church which gives its name to the lane stood in a less free situation at that time there being no open space before it and the lane winding to the the personal history and experience strand as i passed the steps of the i encountered at the corner a woman s face it looked in mine passed across the narrow lane and disappeared i knew it i had seen it somewhere but i could not remember where i had some association with it that struck upon my heart directly but i was thinking of anything else when it came upon me and was confused on the steps of the church there was the stooping figure of a man who had put down some burden on the smooth snow to it my seeing the face and my seeing him were i don t think i had stopped in my surprise but in any case as i went on he rose turned and came down towards me i stood face to face with mi then i remembered the woman it was to whom had given the money that night in the kitchen side by side with whom he would not have seen his dear niece ham had told me for all the treasures wrecked in the sea we shook hands heartily at first neither of us could speak a word r he said me tight it do my art good to see you sir well met well met well met my dear old friend said i i had o coming to make for you sir to night he said but knowing as your aunt was living along wi you for i ve been down yonder way i was it was
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s children oh my darling overpowered by sudden grief he sobbed aloud i laid my trembling hand upon the hand he put before his face sir he said don t take no notice in a very little while he took his hand away and put it in his breast and went on with his story they often walked with me he said in the morning maybe a mile or two upon my road and when we parted and i said i m very thankful to you god bless you they always seemed to understand and answered pleasant at last i come to the sea it warn t hard you may suppose for a man like me to work his way over to italy when i got i wandered on as i had done afore the people was just as good to me and i should have gone from town to town maybe the country through but that i got news of her being seen among them mountains yonder one as know d his servant see em there all three and told me how they travelled and where they was i made for them mountains r day and night ever so fur as i went ever so fur the mountains seemed to shift away from me but i come up with em and i crossed em when i got nigh the place as i had been told of i began to think within my own self what shall i do when i see her the listening face insensible to the night still drooped at the door and the hands begged me prayed me not to cast it forth i never doubted her said mr no not a bit on y let her see my face on y let her my voice on y let my still afore her bring to her thoughts the home she had fled away from and the child she had been and if she had to be a royal lady she d have fell down at my feet i know d it well many a time in my sleep had i her cry out uncle and seen her fall like death afore me many a time in my sleep had i raised her up and whispered to her em ly my dear i am come fur to bring forgiveness and to take you home he stopped and shook his head and went on with a sigh he was to me now em ly was all i bought a country dress to put upon her and i know d that once found she would walk beside me over them stony roads go where i would and never never leave me more to put that dress upon her and to cast off what she wore to take her on my arm again and wander towards home to stop sometimes upon the road and heal her bruised feet and her worse bruised heart was all that i of now i t i should have done so much as look at him but r it warn t to be not yet i was too late and they was gone i couldn t learn some said some said i travelled and i travelled but i found no em ly and i travelled home how long ago i asked a matter o days said mr i sighted the old boat dark and the light a shining in the when i come nigh and looked in through the glass i see the faithful by the fire as we had fixed upon alone i called out c t be it s dan l and i went in i never could have the old boat would have been so strange from some pocket in his breast he took out with a very careful hand of david a small paper bundle containing two or three letters or little which he laid upon the table this first one come he said selecting it from the rest afore i had been gone a week a fifty pound bank note in a sheet of paper directed to me and put underneath the door in the night she tried to hide her writing but she couldn t hide it from me he folded up the note again with great patience and care in exactly the same form and laid it on one side this come to he said opening another two or three months ago after looking at it for some moments he gave it to me and added in a low voice be so good as read it sir i read as follows oh what will you feel when you see this writing and know it comes from my wicked hand but try try not for my sake but for uncle s goodness try to let your heart soften to me only for a little little time try pray do to towards a miserable girl and write down on a bit of paper whether he is well and what he said about me before you left off ever me among yourselves and whether of a night when it is my old time of coming home you ever see him look as if he thought of one he used to love so dear oh my heart is breaking when i think about it i am kneeling down to you begging and praying you not to be as hard with me as i deserve as i well well know i deserve but to be so gentle and so good as to write down something of him and to send it to me you need not call me you need not call me by the name i have disgraced but oh listen to my agony and have mercy on me so far as to write me some word of uncle never never to be seen in this world by my
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eyes again dear if your heart is hard towards me justly hard i know but listen if it is hard dear ask him have wronged the most him whose wife i was to have been before you quite decide against my poor poor prayer if he should be so compassionate as to say that you might write something for me to read i think he would oh i think he would if you would only ask him for he always was so brave and so tell him then but not else that when i hear the wind blowing at night i feel as if it was passing angrily from seeing him and uncle and was going up to god against me tell him that if i was to die to morrow and oh if i was fit i would be so glad to die i would bless him and uncle with my last words and pray for his happy home with my last breath some money was in this letter also five pounds it was untouched like the previous sum and he it in the same way detailed instructions were added relative to the address of a reply which although they betrayed the of several hands and made it difficult to arrive at any very probable conclusion in reference to her place of concealment made it at least not unlikely that she had written from that spot where she was stated to have been seen what answer was sent i inquired of mr he returned not being a good scholar sir ham kindly it out and she made a copy on it they told her i was gone to seek her and what my parting words was is that another letter in your hand said i it s money sir said mr it a little way ten pound you see and wrote inside a true friend hke the first but the first was put underneath the door and this come by the post day afore yesterday i m a going to seek her at the post mark he showed it to me it was a town on the upper he had the personal history and experience found out at some foreign who knew that country and they had drawn him a rude map on paper which he could very well understand he laid it between us on the table and with his chin resting on one hand his course upon it with the other i asked him how ham was he shook his head he works he said as bold as a man can his name s as good in all that part as any man s is in the anyone s hand is ready to help him you understand and his is ready to help them he s never been fur to complain but my sister s belief is ourselves as it has cut him deep poor fellow i can believe it he ain t no care r said mr in a solemn whisper no care no how for his life when a man s wanted for rough service in rough weather he s when there s hard duty to be done with danger in it he steps forward afore all his mates and yet he s as gentle as any child there ain t a child in that t know him he gathered up the letters thoughtfully them with his hand put them into their httle bundle and placed it tenderly in his breast again the face was gone from the door i still saw the snow drifting in but nothing else was there well he said looking to his bag having seen you to night r and that me good i shall away to morrow morning you have seen what i ve got putting his hand on where the little packet lay all that troubles me is to think that any harm might come to me afore that money was give back if i was to die and it was lost or stole or made away with and it was never by him but what i d took it i the t other wouldn t hold me i believe i must come back he rose and i rose too we grasped each other by the hand again before going out i d go ten thousand mile he said i d go till i dropped dead to lay that money down afore him if i do that and find my em ly i m content if i t find her maybe she come to hear sometime as her loving uncle only ended his search for her when he ended his life and if i know her even that will turn her home at last as we went out into the night i saw the lonely figure away before us i turned him hastily on some pretence and held him in conversation until it was gone he spoke of a traveller s house on the road where he knew he could find a clean plain lodging for the night i went with him over westminster bridge and parted from him on the shore everything seemed to my imagination to be hushed in reverence for him as he resumed his solitary journey through the snow i returned to the inn yard and impressed by my remembrance of the face looked awfully around for it it was not there the snow had covered our late my new track was the only one to be seen and even that began to die away it so fast as i looked back over my shoulder op david s at last an answer came from the two old ladies they presented their compliments to mr and informed him that they had given his letter their best consideration with a view to the happiness of both parties which i thought rather an alarming expression not only because of
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the use they had made of it in relation to the family difference but because i had and have all my hfe observed that conventional phrases are a sort of easily let off and liable to take a great variety of shapes and colors not at all suggested by their original form the added that they begged to forbear expressing through the medium of correspondence an opinion on the subject of mr s communication but that if mr would do them the favor to call upon a certain day accompanied if he thought proper by a confidential friend they would be happy to hold some conversation on the subject to this favor mr immediately replied with his respectful compliments that he would have the honor of waiting on the at the time appointed accompanied in accordance with their kind permission by his friend mr thomas of the inner temple having which mr fell into a condition of strong nervous agitation and so remained until the day arrived it was a great of my uneasiness to be at this crisis of the services of miss mills but mr mills who was always doing something or other to annoy me or i felt as if he were which was the same thing had brought his conduct to a climax by taking it into his head that he would go to india why should he go to india except to me to be sure he had nothing to do with any other part of the world and had a good deal to do with that part being entirely in the india trade whatever that was i had floating dreams myself concerning golden and elephant s teeth having been at in his youth and now to go out there again in the capacity of resident partner but this was nothing to me however it was so much to him that for india he was bound and with him and went into the country to take leave of her relations and the house was put into a perfect suit of bills announcing that it was to be let or sold and that the furniture and all was to be taken at a so here was another earthquake of which i became the sport before i had recovered from the shock of its i was in several minds how to dress myself on the important day being divided between my desire to appear to advantage and my apprehensions of putting on anything that might my severely practical character in the eyes of the i endeavoured to hit a happy medium between these two extremes my aunt approved the result b the personal history and experience and mr dick threw one of his shoes after and me for luck as we went down stairs excellent fellow as i knew to be and warmly attached to him as i was i could not help wishing on that delicate occasion that he had never contracted the habit of brushing his hair so very upright it gave him a surprised look not to say a hearth kind of expression which my apprehensions whispered might be fatal to us i took the liberty of mentioning it to as we were walking to and saying that if he would smooth it down a little my dear said lifting off his hat and rubbing his hair all kinds of ways nothing would give me greater pleasure but it won t won t be smoothed down said i no said nothing will induce it if i was to carry a half hundred weight upon it all the way to it would be up again the moment the weight was taken off tou have no idea what obstinate hair mine is i am quite a i was a little disappointed i must confess but thoroughly charmed by his good nature too i told him how i esteemed his good nature and said that his hair must have taken all the obstinacy out of his character for he had none oh returned laughing i assure you it s quite an old story my unfortunate hair my uncle s wife couldn t bear it she said it exasperated her it stood very much in my way too when i first fell in love with very much did she object to it she didn t rejoined but her eldest sister the one that s the beauty quite made game of it i understand in fact all the sisters laugh at it agreeable said i yes returned with perfect innocence it s a joke for us they pretend that has a lock of it in her desk and is obliged to shut it in a clasped book to keep it down we laugh about it by the bye my dear said i your experience may suggest something to me when you became engaged to the young lady whom you have just mentioned did you make a regular proposal to her family was there anything like what we are going through to day for instance i added nervously why replied on whose attentive face a thoughtful shade had stolen it was rather a painful transaction in my case you see being of so much use in the family none of them could endure the thought of her ever being married indeed they had quite settled among themselves th it she never was to be married and they called her the old maid accordingly when i mentioned it with the greatest precaution to mrs the mamma said i the mamma said when i mentioned it with every possible precaution to mrs the effect upon her was such that she gave a scream and became insensible i couldn t approach the subject again for months of david you did at last said i well the did said he is an excellent man most in every way and he pointed
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out to her that she ought as a christian to reconcile herself to the sacrifice especially as it was so uncertain and to bear no feeling towards me as to myself i give you my word i felt a perfect bird of prey towards the family the sisters took your part i hope why i can t say they did he returned when we had comparatively reconciled mrs to it we had to break it to you recollect my mentioning as the one that has something the matter with her perfectly she clenched both her hands said looking at me in dismay shut her eyes turned lead color became perfectly stiff and took nothing for two days but toast and water administered with a what a very unpleasant girl i remarked oh i beg your pardon said she is a very charming girl but she has a great deal of feeling in fact they all have told me afterwards that the self reproach she while she was in attendance upon no words could describe i know it must have been severe by my own feelings which were like a criminal s after was restored we still had to break it to the other eight and it produced various effects upon them of a most pathetic nature the two little ones whom have only just left off de me at any rate they are all reconciled to it now i hope said i ye yes i should say they were on the whole resigned to it said doubtfully the fact is we avoid mentioning the subject and my unsettled prospects and indifferent circumstances are a great consolation to them there will be a deplorable scene whenever we are married it will be much more like a funeral than a wedding and they all hate me for taking her away his honest face as he looked at me with a comic shake of his head me more in the remembrance than it did in the reality for i was by this time in a state of such excessive and wandering of mind as to be quite unable to fix my attention on anything on our approaching the house where the i was at such a in respect of my personal looks and presence of mind that proposed a gentle in the form of a glass of ale this having been administered at a neighbouring public house he conducted me with tottering steps to the s door i had a vague sensation of being as it were on view when the maid opened it and of wavering somehow across a hall with a weather glass in it into a quiet little drawing room on the ground floor commanding a neat garden also of sitting down here on a sofa and seeing s hair start up now his hat was removed like one of those little figures made of springs that fly out of snuff boxes when the lid is taken off also of hearing an old fashioned clock away on the e e the personal history and experience chimney piece and trying to make it keep time to the of my heart which it wouldn t also of looking round the room for any sign of and seeing none also of thinking that once in the distance and was instantly choked by somebody ultimately i found myself into the fire place and bowing in great confusion to two dry little elderly ladies dressed in black and each looking wonderfully like a preparation in or tan of the late mr pray said one of the two little ladies be seated when i had done tumbling over and had sat upon something which was not a cat my first seat was i so far recovered my sight as to perceive that mr had evidently been the youngest of the family that there was a of six or eight years between the two sisters and that the younger appeared to be the manager of the conference inasmuch as she had my letter in her hand so familiar as it looked to me and yet so odd and was referring to it through an they were dressed alike but this sister wore her dress with a more youthful air than the other and perhaps had a trifle more or or or or some little thing of that kind which made her look more lively they were both upright in their carriage formal precise composed and quiet the sister who had not my letter had her arms crossed on her breast and resting on each other like an idol mr i believe said the sister who had got my letter addressing herself to this was a frightful beginning had to indicate that i was mr and i had to lay claim to myself and they had to themselves of a opinion that was mr and altogether we were in a nice condition to improve it we all distinctly heard give two short and receive another choke mr said the sister with the letter i did something bowed i suppose and was all attention when the other sister struck in my sister said she being with matters of this nature will state what we consider most calculated to promote the happiness of both parties i discovered afterwards that miss was an authority in affairs of the heart by reason of there having existed a certain mr who played short and was supposed to have been of her my private opinion is that this was entirely a assumption and that was altogether innocent of any such sentiments to which he had never given any sort of expression that i could ever hear of both miss and miss had a superstition however that he would have declared his passion if he had not been cut short in his youth at about sixty by over drinking his constitution and an attempt to set
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i thought i perceived that miss would have uncommon satisfaction in two young lovers like and me and that miss would have hardly less satisfaction in seeing her us and in in with her own particular department of the subject whenever that impulse was strong upon her this gave me courage to protest most vehemently that i loved better than i could tell or any one that all my friends knew how i loved her that my aunt every one who knew me knew how i loved her and how earnest my love had made me for the truth of this i appealed to and firing up as if he were plunging into a debate really did come out nobly me in good of david round terms and in a plain sensible practical manner that evidently made a favorable impression i speak if i may presume to say so as one who has some little experience of such things said being myself engaged to a young lady one of ten down in and seeing no probability at present of our engagement coming to a termination you may be able to confirm what i have said mr observed miss evidently taking a new interest in him of the affection that is modest and retiring that waits and waits entirely ma am said miss looked at miss and shook her head gravely miss looked at miss and heaved a little sigh sister said miss take my smelling bottle miss revived herself with a few of and i looking on with great solicitude the while and then went on to say rather faintly my sister and myself have been in great doubt mr what course we ought to take in reference to the or imaginary of such very young people as your friend mr and our niece our brother francis s child remarked miss if our brother francis s wife had found it convenient in her life time though she had an right to act as she thought best to invite the family to her dinner table we might have known our brother francis s child better at the present moment sister proceed miss turned my letter so as to bring the towards herself and referred through her eye glass to some orderly looking notes she had made on that part of it it seems to us said she prudent mr to bring these feelings to the test of our own observation at present we know nothing of them and are not in a situation to judge how much reality there may be in them therefore we are inclined so far to to mr s proposal as to admit his visits here i shall never dear ladies i exclaimed relieved of an immense load of apprehension forget your kindness but pursued miss but we would prefer to regard those visits mr as made at present to us we must guard ourselves from any positive engagement between mr and our niece until we have had an opportunity until you have had an opportunity sister said miss be it so assented miss with a sigh until i have had an opportunity of observing them said turning to me you feel i am sure that nothing could be more reasonable or considerate nothing cried i i am deeply sensible of it in this position of affairs said miss again referring to her notes and admitting his visits on this understanding only we must require from mr a distinct assurance on his word of honor that no communication of any kind shall take place between him and our niece without our knowledge that no project whatever shall be entertained with regard to our niece without being first submitted to us the personal history and experience to you sister miss interposed so assented miss to me and receiving our we must make this a most express and serious not to be broken on any account we wished mr to be accompanied by some confidential friend to day with an inclination of her head towards who bowed in order that there might be no doubt or on this subject if mr or if you mr feel the least scruple in giving this promise i beg you to take time to consider it i exclaimed in a state of high that not a moment s consideration could be necessary i bound myself by the required promise in a most impassioned manner called upon to witness it and myself as the most of characters if i ever from it in the least degree stay said miss holding up her hand we resolved before we had the pleasure of receiving you two gentlemen to leave you alone for a quarter of an hour to consider this point you will allow us to retire it was in vain for me to say that no consideration was necessary they persisted in withdrawing for the time accordingly these little birds out with great dignity leaving me to receive the congratulations of and to feel as if i were translated to regions of exquisite happiness exactly at the of the quarter of an hour they reappeared with no less dignity than they had disappeared they had gone rustling away as if their little dresses were made of and they came rustling back in like manner i then bound myself once more to the prescribed conditions sister said miss the rest is with you miss her arms for the first time took the notes and glanced at them we shall be happy said miss to see mr to dinner every sunday if it should suit his convenience our hour is three i bowed in the course of the week said miss we shall be happy to see mr to tea our hour is half past six i bowed again twice in the week said miss but as a rule not oftener i bowed again miss said miss mentioned
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few more days s called upon her in due state and form similar but more friendly took place afterwards usually at intervals of three or four weeks i know that my aunt distressed s very much by utterly setting at naught the dignity of fly conveyance and walking out to at extraordinary times as shortly after breakfast or just before tea likewise by wearing her bonnet in any manner that happened to be comfortable to her head without at all to the prejudices of on that subject but s soon agreed to regard my aunt as an eccentric and somewhat masculine lady with a strong understanding and although my aunt occasionally ruffled the feathers of s by expressing opinions on various points of ceremony she loved me too well not to sacrifice some of her little peculiarities to the general harmony the only member of our small society who positively refused to himself to circumstances was he never saw my aunt without immediately displaying every tooth in his head retiring under a chair and growling incessantly with now and then a howl as if she really were too much for his feelings all kinds of treatment were tried with him scolding bringing him to street where he instantly dashed at the two cats to the terror of all of david but he never could prevail upon himself to bear my aunt s society he would sometimes think he had got the better of his objection and be amiable for a few minutes and then would put up his nose and howl to that extent that there was nothing for it but to blind him and put him in the plate warmer at length regularly muffled him in a and shut him up there whenever my aunt was reported at the door one thing troubled me much after we had fallen into this quiet train it was that seemed by one consent to be regarded like a pretty toy or my aunt with whom she gradually became familiar always called her little blossom and the pleasure of miss s life was to wait upon her curl her hair make ornaments for her and treat her hke a pet child what miss did her sister did as a matter of course it was very odd to me but they all seemed to treat in her degree much as treated in his i made up my mind to speak to about this and one day when we were out walking for we were by miss after a while to go out walking by ourselves said to her that i wished she could get them to behave towards her differently because you know my darling i remonstrated you are not a child there said now you re going to be cross cross my love i am sure they re very kind to me said and i am very happy well but my dearest life said i you might be very happy and yet be treated gave me a look the prettiest look and then began to sob saying if i didn t like her why had i ever wanted so much to be engaged to her and why didn t i go away now if i couldn t bear her what could i do but kiss away her tears and tell her how i on her after that i am sure i am very affectionate said you t to be cruel to me cruel my precious love as if i would or could be cruel to you for the world then don t find fault with me said making a of her mouth and i be good i was charmed by her presently asking me of her own accord to give her that book i had once spoken of and to show her how to keep accounts as i had once promised i would i brought the volume with me on my next visit i got it prettily bound first to make it look less dry and more inviting and as we strolled about the common i showed her an old housekeeping book of my aunt s and gave her a set of and a pretty little pencil case and box of leads to practise housekeeping with bat the book made s head ache and the figures made her cry they wouldn t add up she said so she rubbed them out and drew little and of me and all over the the personal history and experience then i tried verbal instruction in domestic matters as we walked about on a saturday afternoon sometimes for example when we passed a butcher s shop i would say now suppose my pet that we were married and you were going to buy a shoulder of mutton for dinner would you know how to buy it my pretty little s face would fall and she would make her mouth into a bud again as if she would very much prefer to shut mine with a kiss would you know how to buy it my darling i would repeat perhaps if i were very would think a little and then reply perhaps with great triumph why the butcher would know how to sell it and what need i know oh you silly boy so when i once asked with an eye to the book what she would do if we were married and i were to say i should like a nice irish she replied that she would tell the servant to make it and then clapped her little hands together across my arm and laughed in such a charming manner that she was more delightful than ever consequently the principal use to which the book was devoted was being put down in the corner for to stand upon but was so pleased when she had trained him to stand upon it without offering to come off and at the same time to hold
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his chin don t you know the doctor better said i than to suppose him conscious of your existence when you were not before him he directed his eyes at me in that glance again and he made his face very lantern for the greater convenience of as he answered oh dear i am not referring to the doctor oh no poor man i mean mr my heart quite died within me all my old doubts and apprehensions on that subject all the doctor s happiness and peace all the mingled possibilities of innocence and compromise that i could not i saw in a moment at the mercy of this fellow s twisting he never could come into the office without ordering and me about said one of your fine gentlemen he was i very meek and and i am but i didn t like that sort of thing and i don t he left off his chin and sucked in his cheeks until they seemed to meet inside keeping his glance upon me all the while she is one of your lovely women she is he pursued when he had slowly restored his face to its natural form and ready to be no friend to such as me know she s just the person as would put my up to higher sort of game now i ain t one of your lady s men master but i ve had eyes in my ed a pretty long time back we ones have got eyes mostly speaking and we look out of em i endeavoured to appear unconscious and not but i saw in his face with poor success now i m not a going to let myself be run down he continued raising that part of his countenance where his red eyebrows would have been if he had had any with malignant triumph and i shall do what i can to put a stop to this friendship i don t approve of it i don t mind acknowledging to you that i ve got rather a disposition and want to keep off all i ain t a going if i know it to run the risk of being against you are always and yourself into the belief that everybody else is doing the like i think said i perhaps so master he replied but i ve got a motive as my fellow partner used to say and i go at it tooth and nail i op david mustn t be put upon as a person too much i can t allow people in my way really they must come out of the cart master i don t understand you said i don t you though he returned with one of his i m astonished at that master you being usually so quick i try to be another time is that mr a ringing at the gate sir it looks like him i replied as carelessly as i could stopped short put his hands between his great of knees and doubled himself up with laughter with perfectly silent laughter not a sound escaped from him i was so by his odious behaviour particularly by this concluding instance that i turned away without any ceremony and left him doubled up in the middle of the garden like a in want of support it was not on that evening but as i well remember on the next evening but one which was a saturday that i took to see i had arranged the visit beforehand with miss and was expected to tea i was in a flutter of pride and anxiety pride in my dear little and anxiety that should hke her all the way to being inside the stage coach and i outside i pictured to myself in every one of the pretty looks i knew so well now making up my mind that i should hke her to look exactly as she looked at such a time and then doubting whether i should not prefer her looking as she looked at such another time and almost worrying myself into a fever about it i was troubled by no doubt of her being very pretty in any case but it fell out that i had never seen her look so well she was not in the drawing room when i presented to her little but was keeping out of the way i knew where to look for her now and sure enough i found her stopping her ears again behind the same dull old door at first she wouldn t come at all and then she pleaded for five minutes by my watch when at length she put her arm through mine to be taken to the drawing room her charming little face was flushed and had never been so pretty but when we went into the room and it turned pale she was ten thousand times prettier yet was afraid of she had told me that she knew was too clever but when she saw her looking at once so cheerful and so earnest and so thoughtful and so good she gave a faint little cry of pleased surprise and just put her affectionate arms round s neck and laid her innocent cheek against her face i never was so happy i never was so pleased as when i saw those two sit down together side by side as when i saw my little darling looking up so naturally to those cordial eyes as when i saw the tender beautiful regard which cast upon her miss and miss partook in their way of my joy it was the tea table in the world miss presided i cut and handed the sweet seed cake the little sisters had a bird like fondness for picking up seeds and at sugar miss looked on with the personal history and experience patronage as if our happy love were all
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her work and we were perfectly contented with ourselves and one another the gentle cheerfulness of went to all their hearts her quiet interest in everything that interested her manner of making acquaintance with who responded instantly her pleasant way was ashamed to come over to her usual seat by me her modest grace and ease a crowd of blushing little marks of confidence from seemed to make our circle quite complete i am so glad said after tea that you like me i didn t think you would and i want more than ever to be liked now mills is gone i have omitted to mention it by the bye miss mills had sailed and and i had gone aboard a great east at to see her and we had had preserved and and other of that sort for lunch and we had left miss mills weeping on a on the quarter deck with a large new under her arm in which the original reflections awakened by the contemplation of ocean were to be recorded under lock and key said she was afraid i must have given her an character but corrected that directly oh no she said shaking her curls at me it was all praise he thinks so much of your opinion that i was quite afraid of it my good opinion cannot strengthen his attachment to some people whom he knows said with a smile it is not worth their having but please let me have it said in her way if you can we made merry about s wanting to be liked and said i was a goose and she didn t like me at any rate and the short evening flew away on wings the time was at hand when the was to call for us i was standing alone before the fire when came stealing softly in to give me that usual precious little kiss before i went don t you think if i had had her for a friend a long time ago said her bright eyes shining very brightly and her little right hand idly itself with one of the buttons of my coat i might have been more clever perhaps my love said i what nonsense do you think it is nonsense returned without looking at me are you sure it is of course i am i have forgotten said still turning the button round and round what relation is to you you dear bad boy no blood relation i replied but we were brought up together like brother and sister i wonder why you ever fell in love with me said beginning on another button of my coat perhaps because i couldn t see you and not love you suppose you had never seen me at all said going to another button suppose we had never been born said i gaily of david i wondered what she was thinking about as i glanced in admiring silence at the little soft hand travelling up the row of buttons on my coat and at the hair that lay against my breast and at the lashes of her downcast eyes slightly rising as they followed her idle fingers at length her eyes were lifted up to mine and she stood on to give me more thoughtfully than usual that precious little kiss once twice three times and went out of the room they all came back together within five minutes afterwards and s unusual was quite gone then she was resolved to put through the whole of his performances before the coach came they took some time not so much on account of their variety as s reluctance and were still unfinished when it was heard at the door there was a hurried but affectionate parting between and herself and was to write to who was not to mind her letters being foolish she said and was to write to and they had a second parting at the coach door and a third when in spite of the of miss would come running out once more to remind at the coach window about writing and to shake her curls at me on the box the stage coach was to put us down near garden where we were to take another stage coach for i was impatient for the short walk in the interval that might praise to me ah what praise it was how lovingly and fervently did it commend the pretty creature i had won with all her graces best displayed to my most gentle care how thoughtfully remind me yet with no pretence of doing so of the trust in which i held the orphan child never never had i loved so deeply and truly as i loved her that night when we had again alighted and were walking in the along the quiet road that led to the doctor s house i told it was her doing when you were sitting by her said i you seemed to be no less guardian angel than mine and you seem so now a poor angel she returned but faithful the clear tone of her voice going straight to my heart made it natural to me to say the cheerfulness that belongs to you and to no one else that ever i have seen is so restored i have observed to day that i have begun to hope you are happier at home i am happier in myself she said i am quite cheerful and i glanced at the serene face looking upward and thought it was the stars that made it seem so noble there has been no change at home said after a few moments no fresh reference said i to i wouldn t distress you but i cannot help asking to what we spoke of when we parted last no none she answered i have thought so much about it you must think less about
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it that i confide in simple love and truth at last have no apprehensions for me she added after a moment the step you dread my taking i shall never take although i think i had never really feared it in any season of cool v v the personal history and experience reflection it was an unspeakable relief to me to have this assurance from her own truthful lips i told her so earnestly and when this visit is over said i for we may not be alone another time how long is it likely to be my dear before you come to london again probably a long time she replied i think it will be best for papa s sake to remain at home we are not likely to meet often for some time to come but i shall be a good correspondent of s and we shall frequently hear of one another that way we were now within the little court yard of the doctor s cottage it was growing late there was a light in the window of mrs strong s chamber and pointing to it bade me good night do not be troubled she said giving me her hand by our misfortunes and anxieties i can be happier in nothing than in your happiness if you can ever give me help rely upon it i will ask you for it god bless you always in her beaming smile and in these last tones of her cheerful voice i seemed again to see and hear my little in her company i stood awhile looking through the porch at the stars with a heart full of love and gratitude and then walked slowly forth i had engaged a bed at a decent close by and was going out at the gate when happening to turn my head i saw a light in the doctor s study a half fancy into my mind that he had been working at the dictionary without my help with the view of seeing if this were so and in any case of bidding him good night if he were yet sitting among his books i turned back and going softly across the hall and gently opening the door looked in the first person whom i saw to my surprise by the sober light of the shaded lamp was he was standing close beside it with one of his skeleton hands over his mouth and the other resting on the doctor s table the doctor sat in his study chair covering his face with mr sorely troubled and distressed was leaning forward touching the doctor s arm for an instant i supposed that the doctor was ill i hastily advanced a step under that impression when i met s eye and saw what wa the matter i would have withdrawn but the doctor made a gesture to detain me and i remained at any rate observed with a of his person we may keep the door shut we needn t make it known to all the town saying which he went on his toes to the door which i had left open and carefully closed it he then came back and took up his former position there was an show of compassionate zeal in his voice and manner more intolerable at least to me than any he could have assumed i have felt it incumbent upon me master said to point out to doctor strong what you and me have already talked about you didn t exactly understand me though i gave him a look but no other answer and going to my good old master said a few words that i meant to be words of comfort and op david he put his hand upon my shoulder as it had been his custom to do when i was quite a little fellow but did not lift his grey head as you didn t understand me master resumed in the same manner i may take the liberty of mentioning being among friends that i have called doctor strong s attention to the on of mrs strong it s much against the grain with me i assure you to be concerned in anything so unpleasant but really as it is we re all mixing ourselves up with what t to be that was what my meaning was sir when you didn t understand me i wonder now when i recall his that i did not collar him and try to shake the breath out of his body i dare say i didn t make myself very clear he went on nor you neither naturally we was both of us inclined to give such a subject a wide berth ever at last i have made up my mind to speak plain and i have mentioned to doctor strong that did you speak sir this was to the doctor who had moaned the sound might have touched any heart i thought but it had no effect upon s mentioned to doctor strong he proceeded that any one may see that mr and the lovely and agreeable lady as is doctor strong s wife are too sweet on one another really the time is come we being at present all mixing ourselves up with what t to be when doctor strong must be told that this was full as plain to everybody as the sun before mr went to india that mr made excuses to come back for nothing else and that he s always here for nothing else when you come in sir i was just putting it to my towards whom he turned to say to doctor strong upon his word and honor whether he d ever been of this opinion long ago or not come mr sir i would you be so good as tell us tes or no sir come partner for god s sake my
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dear doctor said mr again laying his hand upon the doctor s arm don t attach too much weight to any suspicions i may have entertained there cried shaking his head what a melancholy confirmation ain t it him such an old friend bless your soul when i was nothing but a clerk in his office i ve seen him twenty times if i ve seen him once quite in a taking about it quite put out you know and very proper in him as a father i m sure i can t blame him to think that miss was mixing herself up with what t to be my dear strong said mr in a tremulous voice my good friend i needn t tell you that it has been my vice to look for some one master motive in everybody and to try all actions by one narrow test i may have fallen into such doubts as i have had through this mistake you have had doubts said the doctor without lifting up his head you have had doubts speak up fellow partner urged i had at one time certainly said mr i god forgive me i thought you had no no no returned the doctor in a tone of most pathetic grief f p the personal history and experience i thought at one time said mr that you wished to send abroad to effect a desirable separation no no no returned the doctor to give pleasure by making some provision for the companion of her childhood nothing else so i found said mr i couldn t doubt it when you told me so but i thought i you to remember the narrow construction which has been my sin that in a case where there was so much in point of years that s the way to put it you see master observed with and offensive pity a lady of such youth and such attractions however real her respect for you might have been influenced in marrying by worldly considerations only i made no allowance for innumerable feelings and circumstances that may have all tended to good heaven s sake remember that how kind he puts it said shaking his head always observing her from one point of view said mr but by all that is dear to you my old friend i entreat you to consider what it was i am forced to confess now having no escape no there s no way out of it mr sir observed when it s got to this that i did said mr glancing helplessly and at his partner that i did doubt her and think her wanting in her duty to you and that i did sometimes if i must say all feel averse to being in such a familiar relation towards her as to see what i saw or in my theory fancied that i saw i never mentioned this to any one i never meant it to be known to any one and though it is terrible to you to hear said mi quite subdued if you knew how terrible it is to me to tell you would feel compassion for me the doctor in the perfect goodness of his nature put out his hand mr held it for a little while in his with his head bowed down i am sure said himself into the silence like a that this is a subject full of to everybody but since we have got so far i ought to take the liberty of mentioning that has noticed it too i turned upon him and asked him how he dared refer to me oh it s very kind of you returned all over and we all know what an amiable character yours is but you know that the moment i spoke to you the other night you knew what i meant you know you knew what meant don t deny it you deny it with the best intentions but don t do it i saw the mild eye of the good old doctor turned upon me for a moment and i felt that the confession of my old and was too plainly written in my face to be overlooked it was of no use raging i could not undo that say what i would i could not it we were silent again and remained so until the doctor rose and of david walked twice or across the room presently he returned to where his chair stood and leaning on the back of it and occasionally putting his handkerchief to his eyes with a simple honesty that did him more honor to my thinking than any disguise he could have affected said i have been much to blame i believe i have been very much to blame i have exposed one whom i hold in my heart to trials and i call them even to have been conceived in anybody s inmost mind of which she never but for me could have been the object gave a kind of i think to express sympathy of which my said the doctor never but for me could have been the object gentlemen i am old now as you know i do not feel to night that i have much to for but my life my life upon the truth and honor of the dear lady who has been the subject of this conversation i do not think that the best of chivalry the of the and most romantic figure ever imagined by painter could have said this with a more impressive and affecting dignity than the plain old doctor did but i am not prepared he went on to deny perhaps i may have been without knowing it in some degree prepared to admit that i may have that lady into an unhappy marriage i am a man quite
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to observe and i cannot but believe that the observation of several people of different ages and positions all too plainly tending in one direction and that so natural is better than mine i had often admired as i have elsewhere described his manner towards his youthful wife but the respectful tenderness he manifested in every reference to her on this occasion and the almost manner in which he put away from him the doubt of her integrity exalted him in my eyes beyond description i married that lady said the doctor when she was extremely young i took her to myself when her character was scarcely formed so far as it was developed it had been my happiness to form it i knew her father well i knew her well i had taught her what i could for the love of all her beautiful and virtuous qualities if i did her wrong as i fear i did in taking advantage but i never meant it of her gratitude and her affection i ask pardon of that lady in my heart he walked across the room and came back to the same place holding the chair with a grasp that trembled like his subdued voice in its earnestness i regarded myself as a refuge for her from the dangers and of life i persuaded myself that unequal though we were in years she would and with me i did not shut out of my consideration the time when i should leave her free and still young and still beautiful but with her judgment more no gentlemen upon my truth his homely figure seemed to be lightened up by his fidelity and generosity every word he uttered had a force that no other grace could have imparted to it the personal history and experience my life with this lady has been very happy until to night i have had occasion to bless the day on which i did her great injustice his voice more and more faltering in the utterance of these words stopped for a few moments then he went on once awakened from my dream i have been a poor in one way or other all my life i see how natural it is that she should have some feeling towards her old companion and her equal that she does regard him with some innocent regret with some thoughts of what might have been but for me is i fear too true much that i have seen but not noted has come back upon me with new meaning during this last trying hour but beyond this gentlemen the dear lady s name never must be coupled with a word a breath of doubt for a little while his eye kindled and his voice was firm for a little while he was again silent presently he proceeded as before it only remains for me to bear the knowledge of the i have occasioned as as i can it is she who should reproach not i to save her from cruel that even my friends have not been able to avoid becomes my duty the more retired we the better i shall discharge it and when the time comes may it come soon if it be his merciful pleasure when my death shall release her from i shall close my eyes upon her honored face with unbounded confidence and love and leave her with no sorrow then to happier and brighter days i could not see him for the tears which his earnestness and goodness so adorned by and so the perfect simplicity of his manner u brought into my eyes he had moved to the door when he added gentlemen i have shown you my heart i am sure you will respect it what we have said to night is never ft be said more give me an old friend s arm up stairs mr hastened to him without a word they went slowly out of the room together looking after them well master said meekly turning to me the thing hasn t took quite the turn that might have been expected for the old scholar what an excellent man is as blind as a but this family s out of the cart i think i needed but the sound of his voice to be so madly enraged as i never was before and never have been since you villain said i what do you mean by me into your schemes how dare you appeal to me just now you false rascal as if we had been in discussion together as we stood front to front i saw so plainly in the stealthy exultation of his face what i already so plainly knew i mean that he forced his confidence upon me expressly to make me miserable and had set a deliberate trap for me in this very matter that i couldn t bear it the whole of his cheek was before me and i struck it with my open hand with that force that my fingers as if i had burnt them he caught the hand in his and we stood in that looking at each other we stood so a long time long enough for me to see the of david white marks of my fingers die out of the deep red of his cheek and leave it a deeper red he said at length in a breathless voice have you taken leave of your senses i have taken leave of you said i my hand away you dog i know no more of you won t you said he constrained by the pain of his cheek to put his hand there perhaps you won t be able to help it isn t this ungrateful of you now i have shown you often enough said i that i despise you i have shown you now more plainly that i do
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why should i dread your doing your worst to all about you what else do you ever do he perfectly understood this allusion to the considerations that had hitherto restrained me in my communications with him i rather think that neither the blow nor the allusion would have escaped me but for the assurance i had had from that night it is no matter there was another long pause his eyes as he looked at me seemed to take every shade of color that could make eyes ugly he said removing his hand from his cheek you have always gone against me i know you always used to be against me at mr s you may think what you like said i still in a towering rage if it is not true so much the you and yet i always liked you he rejoined i to make him no reply and taking up my hat was going out to bed when he came between me and the door he said there must be two parties to a quarrel i won t be one you may go to the devil said i don t say that he replied i know you be sorry afterwards how can you make yourself so inferior to me as to show such a bad spirit but i forgive you you forgive me i repeated i do and you can t help yourself replied to think of your going and attacking me that have always been a friend to you but there can t be a quarrel without two parties and i won t be one i will be a friend to you in spite of you so now you know what you ve got to expect the necessity of carrying on this dialogue his part in which was very slow mine very quick in a low tone that the house might not be disturbed at an hour did not improve my temper though my passion was down merely telling him that i should expect from him what i always had expected and had never yet been disappointed in i opened the door upon him as if he had been a great put there to be cracked and went out of the house but he slept out of the house too at his mother s lodging and before i had gone many hundred yards came up with me you know he said in my ear i did not turn my head you re in quite a wrong position which i felt to be true and that made me the more you can t make this a brave thing the personal history and experience and you can t help being forgiven i don t intend to mention it to mother nor to any living soul i m determined to forgive you but i do wonder that you should lift your hand against a person that you knew to be so i felt only less mean than he he knew me better than i knew myself if he had retorted or openly exasperated me it would have been a relief and a justification but he had put me on a slow fire on which i lay tormented half the night in the morning when i came out the early church bell was ringing and he was walking up and down with his mother he addressed me as if nothing had happened and i could do no less than reply i had struck him hard enough to give him the i suppose at all events his face was tied up in a black silk handkerchief which with his hat perched on the top of it was far from improving his appearance i heard that he went to a s in london on the monday morning and had a tooth out i hope it was a double one the doctor gave out that he was not quite well and remained alone for a considerable part of every day during the remainder of the visit and her father had been gone a week before we resumed our usual work on the day preceding its the doctor gave me with his own hands a folded note not sealed it was addressed to myself and laid an on me in a few affectionate words never to refer to the subject of that evening i had confided it to my aunt but to no one else it was not a subject i could discuss with and certainly had not the least suspicion of what had passed neither i felt convinced had mrs strong then several weeks elapsed before i saw the least change in her it came on slowly like a cloud when there is no wind at first she seemed to wonder at the gentle compassion with which the doctor spoke to her and at his wish that she should have her mother with her to relieve the dull monotony of her life often when we were at work and she was sitting by i would see her pausing and looking at him with that memorable face afterwards i sometimes observed her rise with her eyes full of tears and go out of the room gradually an unhappy shadow fell upon her beauty and deepened every day mrs was a regular of the cottage then but she talked and talked and saw nothing as this change stole on once like sunshine in the doctor s house the doctor became older in appearance and more grave but the sweetness of his temper the placid kindness of his manner and his benevolent solicitude for her if they were capable of any increase were increased i saw him once early on the morning of her birthday when she came to sit in the window while we were at work which she had always done but now began to do with a timid and uncertain air that i thought very touching take her forehead between his hands kiss
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it and go hurriedly away too much moved to remain i saw her stand where he had left her like a statue and then bend down her head and clasp her hands and weep i cannot say how sorrowfully sometimes after that i fancied that she tried to speak even to me in intervals when we were left alone but she never uttered word the doctor always had some new project for her in amusements of david away from home with her mother and mrs who was ery fond of amusements and very easily dissatisfied with anything else entered into them with great good will and was loud in her but in a unhappy way only went whither she was led and seemed to have no care for anything i did not know what to think neither did my aunt who must have walked at various times a hundred mile in her uncertainty what was strangest of all was that the only real relief which seemed to make its way into the secret region of this domestic made its way there in the person of mr dick what his thoughts were on the subject or what his observation was i am as unable to explain as i dare say he would have been to assist me in the task but as i have recorded in the narrative of my school days his veneration for the doctor was unbounded and there is a of perception in real attachment even when it is borne towards man by one of the lower animals which leaves the highest intellect behind to this mind of the heart if i may call it so in mr dick some bright ray of the truth shot straight he had proudly resumed his privilege in many of his spare hours of walking up and down the garden with the doctor as he had been accustomed to pace up and down the doctor s walk at but matters were no sooner in this state than he devoted all his spare time and got up earlier to make it more to these if he had never been so happy as when the doctor read that performance the dictionary to him he was now quite miserable unless the doctor pulled it out of his pocket and began when the doctor and i were engaged he now fell into the custom of walking up and down with mrs strong and helping her to trim her favorite flowers or weed the beds i dare say he rarely spoke a dozen words in an hour but his quiet interest and his wistful face found immediate response in both their breasts each knew that the other liked him and that he loved both and he became what no one else could be a link between them when i think of him with his wise face walking up and down with the doctor delighted to be battered by the hard words in the dictionary when i think of him carrying huge watering pots after kneeling down in very of gloves at patient work among the little leaves expressing as no philosopher could have expressed in every thing he did a delicate desire to be her friend sympathy and affection out of every hole in the watering pot when i think of him never wandering in that better mind of his to which addressed itself never bringing the unfortunate king charles into the garden never wavering in his grateful service never diverted from his knowledge that there was something wrong or from his wish to set it right i really feel almost ashamed of having known that he was not quite in his wits taking account of the utmost i have done with mine nobody but myself trot knows what that man is my aunt would proudly remark when we conversed about it dick will distinguish himself yet i must refer to one other topic before i close this chapter while the the personal history and experience visit at the doctor s was still in progress i observed that the brought two or three letters every morning for who remained at until the rest went back it being a leisure time and that these were always directed in a business hke manner by mr who now assumed a round legal hand i was glad to infer from these slight premises that mr was doing well and consequently was much surprised to receive about this time the following letter from his amiable wife monday evening you will doubtless be surprised my dear mr to receive this communication still more so by its contents still more so by the of confidence which i beg to impose but my feelings as a wife and mother require relief and as i do not wish to consult my family already to the feelings of mr i know no one of whom i can better ask advice than my friend and former you maybe aware my dear mr that between myself and mr whom i will never desert there has always been preserved a spirit of mutual confidence mr may have occasionally given a bill without consulting me or he may have me as to the period when that obligation would become due this has actually happened but in general mr has had no secrets from the bosom of affection i allude to his wife and has invariably on our retirement to rest recalled the events of the day you will picture to yourself my dear mr what the of my feelings must be when i inform you that mr is entirely changed he is reserved he is secret his life is a mystery to the partner of his joys and sorrows i again allude to his wife and if i should assure you that beyond knowing that it is passed from morning to night at the office i now know less of it than i do of
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the man in the south connected with whose mouth the thoughtless children repeat an idle tale respecting cold i should adopt a popular to express an actual fact but this is not all mr is he is severe he is from our eldest son and daughter he has no pride in his he looks with an eye of coldness even on the stranger who last became a member of our circle the pecuniary means of meeting our expenses kept down to the utmost are obtained from him with great difficulty and even under fearful threats that he will settle himself the exact expression and he refuses to give any explanation whatever of this policy this is hard to bear this is heart breaking if you will advise me knowing my feeble powers such as they are how you think it will be best to exert them in a so unwonted you will add another friendly obligation to the many you have already rendered me with loves from the children and a smile from the happily unconscious stranger i remain dear mr your afflicted of david i did not feel justified in giving a wife of mrs s experience any other recommendation than that she should try to mr by patience and kindness as i knew she would in any case but the letter set me thinking about him very much another once again let me pause upon a memorable period of my life let me stand aside to see the of those days go by me accompanying the shadow of myself in dim procession weeks months seasons pass along they seem little more than a summer day and a winter evening now the common where i walk with is all in bloom a field of bright gold and now the unseen lies in and underneath a covering of snow in a breath the river that flows through our sunday walks is sparkling in the summer sun is ruffled by the winter wind or with drifting heaps of ice faster than ever river ran towards the sea it flashes and rolls away not a thread changes in the house of the two httle bird like ladies the clock over the fire place the weather glass hangs in the hall neither clock nor weather glass is ever right but we believe in both devoutly i have come to man s estate i have attained the dignity of twenty one but this is a sort of dignity that may be thrust upon one let me think what i have achieved i have tamed that savage mystery i make a respectable income by it i am in high for my accomplishment in all to the art and am joined with eleven others in the in parliament for a morning newspaper night after night i record that never come to pass professions that are never fulfilled explanations that are only meant to i in words that unfortunate female is always before me like a fowl through and through with office pens and bound hand and foot with red i am sufficiently behind the scenes to know the worth of political life i am quite an about it and shall never be converted my dear old has tried his hand at the same pursuit but it is not in s way he is perfectly good humoured respecting his failure and reminds me that he always did consider himself slow he has occasional employment on the same newspaper in getting up the facts of dry subjects to be written about and by more fertile minds he is called to the bar and with admirable industry and self denial has scraped another hundred pounds together to fee a whose chambers he a great deal of very hot port wine was consumed the personal history and experience at his call and considering the figure i should think the inner temple must have made a profit by it i have come out in another way i have taken with fear and trembling to i wrote a little something in secret and sent it to a magazine and it was published in the magazine since then i have taken heart to write a good many trifling pieces now i am regularly paid for them altogether i am well off when i tell my income on the fingers of my left hand i pass the third finger and take in the fourth to the middle joint we have removed from street to a pleasant little cottage very near the one i looked at when my enthusiasm first came on my aunt however who has sold the house at to good advantage is not going to remain here but removing herself to a still more tiny cottage close at hand what does this my marriage yes yes i am going to be married to miss and miss have given their consent and if ever birds were in a flutter they are miss self charged with the of my darling s wardrobe is constantly cutting out brown paper and in opinion from a highly respectable young man with a long bundle and a yard measure under his arm a always in the breast with a needle and thread boards and in the house and seems to me eating drinking or sleeping never to take her off they make a lay figure of my dear they are always sending for her to come and try something on we can t be happy together for five minutes in the evening but some female at the door and says oh if you please miss would you step up stairs miss and my aunt all over london to find out articles of furniture for and me to look at it would be better for them to buy the goods at once without this ceremony of inspection for when we go to see a kitchen and meat screen sees a chinese house for with little bells on the top
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and prefers that and it takes a long time to to his new residence after we have bought it whenever he goes in or out he makes all the little bells ring and is horribly frightened comes up to make herself useful and falls to work immediately her department appears to be to clean everything over and over again she everything that can be rubbed until it shines like her own honest forehead with perpetual and now it is that i begin to see her solitary brother passing through the dark streets at night and looking as he goes among the wandering faces i never speak to him at such an hour i know too well as his grave figure passes onward what he seeks and what he why does look so important when he calls upon me this afternoon in the where i still occasionally attend for form s sake when i have time the of my boyish day dreams is at hand i am going to take out the license it is a little document to do so much and it as it lies upon my desk half in admiration half in awe there are the names in the sweet old visionary david and of david and there in the corner is that parental institution the stamp office which is so interested in the various transactions of human life looking down upon our union and there is the of a blessing on us in print and doing it as cheap as could possibly be expected nevertheless i am in a dream a happy hurried dream i can t believe that it is going to be and yet i can t believe but that i pass in the street must have some kind of perception that i am to be married the day after to morrow the knows me when i go down to be sworn and of me easily as if there were a understanding between us is not at all wanted but is in attendance as my general i hope the next time you come here my dear fellow i say to it will be on the same errand for yourself and i hope it will be soon thank you for your good wishes my dear he replies i hope so too it s a satisfaction to know that she wait for me any length of time and that she really is the dearest girl when are you to meet her at the coach i ask at seven says looking at his plain old silver watch the very watch he once took a wheel out of at school to make a water mill that is about miss s time is it not a little earlier her time is half past eight i assure you my dear boy says i am almost as pleased as if i were going to be married myself to think that this event is coming to such a happy termination and really the great friendship and consideration of personally with the joyful occasion and inviting her to be a in with miss demands my warmest thanks i am extremely sensible of it i hear him and shake hands with him and we talk and walk and dine and so on but i don t believe it nothing is real arrives at the house of s in due course she has the most agreeable of faces not absolutely beautiful but pleasant and is one of the most genial unaffected frank engaging creatures i have ever seen presents her to us with great pride and his hands for ten minutes by the clock with every individual hair upon his head standing on when i congratulate him in a corner on his choice i have brought from the coach and her cheerful and beautiful face is among us for the second time has a great liking for and it is capital to see them meet and to observe the glory of as he the dearest girl in the world to her acquaintance still i don t believe it we have a delightful evening and are happy but i don t believe it yet i can t collect myself i can t check off my happiness as it takes place i feel in a misty and unsettled kind of state as if i had got up very early in the morning a week or two ago and had never been to bed since i can t make out when yesterday was i seem to have been carrying the about in my pocket many months the personal history and experience next day too when we all go in a flock to see the house our house s and mine i am quite unable to regard myself as its master i seem to be there by permission of somebody else i half expect the real master to come home presently and say he is glad to see me such a beautiful little house as it is with everything so bright and new with the flowers on the carpets looking as if gathered and the green leaves on the paper as if they had just come out with the muslin curtains and the blushing rose coloured furniture and s garden hat with the blue ribbon do i remember now how i loved her in such another hat when i first knew her already hanging on its little the quite at home on its heels in a corner and everybody tumbling over s which is much too big for the establishment another happy evening quite as unreal as all the rest of it and i steal into the usual room before going away is not there i suppose they have not done trying on yet miss in and tells me mysteriously that she will not be long she is rather long notwithstanding but by and by i hear a at the
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door and some one i say come in but some one again i go to the door wondering who it is there i meet a pair of bright eyes and a blushing face they are s eyes and face and miss has dressed her in to morrow s dress bonnet and all for me to see i take my little wife to my heart and miss gives a little scream because i tumble the bonnet and laughs and cries at once because i am so pleased and i believe it less than ever do you think it pretty says pretty i should rather think i did and are you sure you like me very much says the topic is with such danger to the bonnet that miss gives another little scream and me to understand that is only to be looked at and on no account to be touched so stands in a delightful state of confusion for a minute or two to be admired and then takes off her bonnet looking so natural without it and runs away with it in her hand and comes dancing down again in her own familiar dress and asks if i have got a beautiful little wife and whether he forgive her for being married and down to make him stand upon the book for the last time in her single life i go home more incredulous than ever to a lodging that i have hard by and get up very early in the morning to ride to the road and fetch my aunt i have never seen my aunt in such state she is dressed in silk and has a white bonnet on and is amazing has dressed her and is there to look at me is ready to go to church intending to behold the ceremony from the gallery mr dick who is to give my darling to me at the altar has had his hair curled whom i have taken up by appointment at the presents a dazzling combination of cream color and light blue and both he and mr dick have a general effect about them of being all gloves no doubt i see this because i know it is so but i am astray and seem to see nothing nor do i believe anything whatever still as we op david drive along in an open carriage this fairy marriage is real enough to fill me with a sort of wondering pity for the unfortunate people who have no part in it but are sweeping out the shops and going to their daily occupations my aunt sits with my hand in hers all the way when we stop a little way short of the church to put down whom we have brought on the box she gives it a squeeze and me a kiss god bless you trot my own boy never could be dearer i think of poor dear baby this morning so do i and of all i owe to you dear aunt tut child says my aunt and gives her hand in overflowing cordiality to who then gives his to mr dick who then gives his to me who then give mine to and then we come to the church door the church is calm enough i am sure but it might be a loom in full action for any it has on me i am too far gone for that the rest is all a more or less dream a dream of their coming in with of the arranging us like a before the altar rails of my wondering even then why must always be the most disagreeable females and whether there is any religious dread of a disastrous of which renders it indispensable to set those vessels of upon the road to heaven of the clergyman and clerk appearing of a few and some other people strolling in of an ancient behind me strongly the church with rum of the service beginning in a deep voice and our all being very attentive of miss who acts as a semi being the first to cry and of her doing homage as i take it to the memory of in sobs of miss applying a smelling bottle of taking care of of my aunt endeavouring to represent herself as a model of with tears rolling down her face of little trembling very much and making her in faint whispers of our kneeling down together side by side of s trembling less and less but always clasping by the hand of the service being got through quietly and gravely of our all looking at each other in an april state of smiles and tears when it is over of my young wife being hysterical in the and crying for her poor papa her dear papa of her soon cheering up again and our the register all round of my going into the gallery for to bring her to sign it of s me in a corner and telling me she saw my own dear mother married of its being over and our going away of my walking so proudly and lovingly down the aisle with my sweet wife upon my arm through a mist of half seen people monuments organs and church windows in which there flutter faint airs of association with my childish church at home so long ago of their whispering as we pass what a youthful couple we are and what a pretty little wife she is of our all being so merry and in the carriage going back of telling us that when she the history and experience saw whom i had with the asked for it she almost fainted having been convinced that he would contrive to lose it or to have his pocket picked of laughing gaily and of being so fond of that she will not be separated from her but still keeps her hand of there
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being a breakfast with abundance of things pretty and substantial to eat and drink whereof i partake as i should do in any other dream without the least perception of their flavor eating and drinking as i may say nothing but love and marriage and no more believing in the than in anything else of my making a speech in the same dreamy fashion without having an idea of what i want to say beyond such as may be comprehended in the full conviction that i haven t said it of our being very and simply happy always in a dream though and of s having wedding cake and its not agreeing with him afterwards of the pair of hired post horses being ready and of s going away to change her dress of my aunt and miss remaining with us and our walking in the garden and my aunt who has made quite a speech at breakfast touching s being amused with herself but a little proud of it too of s being ready and of miss s hovering about her loth to lose the pretty toy that has given her so much pleasant occupation of s making a long series of surprised discoveries that she has forgotten all sorts of little things and of everybody s running everywhere to fetch them of their all closing about when at last she begins to say looking with their bright colors and ribbons like a bed of flowers of my darling being almost smothered among the flowers and coming out laughing and crying both together to my jealous arms of my wanting to carry who is to go along with us and s saying no that she must carry him or else he think she don t like him any more now she is married and will break his heart of our going arm in arm and stopping and looking back and saying if i have ever been cross or ungrateful to anybody don t remember it and bursting into tears of her waving her little hand and our going away once more of her once more stopping and looking back and hurrying to and giving above all the others her last kisses and we drive away together and i awake from the dream i believe it at last it is my dear dear little wife beside me whom i love so well are you happy now you foolish boy says and sure you don t repent i have stood aside to see the of those days go by me they are gone and i resume the journey of my story of david housekeeping it was a strange condition of things the honey moon being over and the gone home when i found myself sitting down in my own small house with quite thrown out of employment as i may say in respect of the old occupation of making love it seemed such an extraordinary thing to have always there it was so unaccountable not to be obliged to go out to see her not to have any occasion to be myself about her not to have to write to her not to be and opportunities of being alone with her sometimes of an evening when i looked up from my writing and saw her seated opposite i would lean back in my chair and think how queer it was that there we were alone together as a matter of course nobody s business any more all the romance of our engagement put away upon a shelf to no one to please but one another one another to please for life when there was a debate and i was kept out very late it seemed so strange to me as i was walking home to think that was at home it was such a wonderful thing at first to have her coming softly down to talk to me as i ate my supper it was such a thing to know for certain that she put her hair in papers it was altogether such an astonishing event to see her do it i doubt whether two young birds could have known less about keeping house than i and my pretty did we had a servant of course she kept house for us i have still a latent belief that she must have been mrs s daughter in disguise we had such an awful time of it with mary anne her name was her nature was represented to us when we engaged her as being feebly expressed in her name she had a written character as large as a and according to this document could do everything of a domestic nature that ever i heard of and a great many things that i never did hear of she was a woman in the prime of life of a severe countenance and subject particularly in the arms to a sort of perpetual or fiery rash she had a cousin in the life guards with such long legs that he looked like the afternoon shadow of somebody else his shell jacket was as much too little for him as he was too big for the premises he made the cottage smaller than it need have been by being so very much out of proportion to it besides which the walls were not thick and whenever he passed the evening at our house we always knew of it by hearing one continual growl in the kitchen our treasure was sober and honest i am therefore willing to believe that she was in a fit when we found her under the and that the deficient were to the but she upon our minds dreadfully we felt our g g the personal history and experience and were unable to help ourselves we should have been at her mercy if she had had any but she was a woman and had none she was the
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cause of our first little quarrel my dearest life i said one day to do you think mary anne has any idea of time why inquired looking up innocently from her drawing my love because it s five and we were to have dined at four glanced wistfully at the clock and hinted that she thought it was too fast on the contrary my love said i referring to my watch it s a few minutes too slow my little wife came and sat upon my knee to me to be quiet and drew a line with her pencil down the middle of my nose but i couldn t dine off that though it was very agreeable don t you think my dear said i it would be better for you to with mary anne oh no please i couldn t said why not my love i gently asked oh because i am such a little goose said and she knows i am i thought this sentiment so with the establishment of any system of check on mary anne that i frowned a little oh what ugly wrinkles in my bad boy s forehead said and still being on my knee she traced them with her pencil putting it to her rosy lips to make it mark and working at my forehead with a quaint little mockery of being industrious that quite delighted me in spite of myself there s a good child said it makes its face so much prettier to laugh but my love said i no no please cried with a kiss don t be a naughty blue beard don t be serious my precious wife said i we must be serious sometimes come sit down on this chair close beside me give me the pencil there now let us talk sensibly tou know dear what a little hand it was to hold and what a tiny wedding ring it was to see you know my love it is not exactly comfortable to have to go out without one s dinner now is it n n no faintly my love how you tremble because i know you re going to me exclaimed in a piteous voice my sweet i am only going to reason oh but reasoning is worse than scolding exclaimed in despair i didn t marry to be reasoned with if you meant to reason with such a poor little thing as i am you ought to have told me so you cruel boy i tried to but she turned away her face and shook her curls from side to side and said you cruel cruel boy so many times of david that i really did not exactly know what to do so i took a few turns up and down the room in my uncertainty and came back again my darling no i am not your darling because you must be sorry that you married me or else you wouldn t reason with me returned i felt so injured by the nature of this charge that it gave me courage to be grave now my own said i you are very childish and are talking nonsense you must remember i am sure that i was to go out yesterday when dinner was half over and that the day before i was made quite by being obliged to eat in a hurry to day i don t dine at all and i am afraid to say how long we waited for breakfast and then the water didn t boil i don t mean to reproach you my dear but this is not comfortable oh you cruel cruel boy to say i am a disagreeable wife cried now my dear you must know that i never said that you said i wasn t comfortable said i said the housekeeping was not comfortable it s exactly the same thing cried and she evidently thought so for she wept most i took another turn across the room full of love for my pretty wife and distracted by self inclinations to knock my head against the door i sat down again and said i am not you we have both a great deal to learn i am only trying to show you my dear that you must you really must i was resolved not to give this up yourself to look after mary anne likewise to act a little for yourself and me i wonder i do at your making such ungrateful speeches sobbed when you know that the other day when you said you would like a little bit of fish i went out myself miles and miles and ordered to surprise you and it was very kind of you my own darling said i i felt it so much that i wouldn t on any account have even mentioned that you bought a salmon which was too much for two or that it cost one pound six which was more than we can afford you enjoyed it very much sobbed and you said i was a mouse and i say so again my love i returned a thousand times but i had wounded s soft little heart and she was not to be comforted she was so pathetic in her sobbing and that i felt as if i had said i don t know what to hurt her i was obliged to hurry away i was kept out late and i felt all night such pangs of remorse as made me miserable i had the conscience of an and was haunted by a vague sense of enormous wickedness it was two or three hours past midnight when i got home i found my aunt in our house sitting up for me is anything the matter aunt said i alarmed nothing trot she replied sit down sit down little blossom has been rather out of spirits and i have been
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keeping her company that s all g g the personal history and experience i leaned my head upon my hand and felt more sorry and downcast as i sat looking at the fire than i could have supposed possible so soon after the fulfilment of my brightest hopes as i sat thinking i happened to meet my aunt s eyes which were resting on my face there was an anxious expression in them but it cleared directly i assure you aunt said i i have been quite unhappy myself all night to think of s being so but i had no other intention than to speak to her tenderly and lovingly about our home affairs my aunt nodded encouragement you must have patience trot said she of course heaven knows i don t mean to be unreasonable aunt no no said my aunt but little blossom is a very tender little blossom and the wind must be gentle with her i thanked my good aunt in my heart for her tenderness towards my wife and i was sure that she knew i did don t you think aunt said i after some further contemplation of the fire that you could advise and counsel a little for our mutual advantage now and then trot returned my aunt with some emotion no don t ask me such a thing her tone was so very earnest that i raised my eyes in surprise i look back on my life child said my aunt and i think of some who are in their graves with whom i might have been on kinder terms if i judged harshly of other people s mistakes in marriage it may have been because i had bitter reason to judge harshly of my own let that pass i have been a sort of a woman a good many years i am still and i always shall be but you and i have done one another some good trot at all events you have done me good my dear and division must not come between us at this time of day division between us cried i child child said my aunt her dress how soon it might come between us or how unhappy i might make our little blossom if i in anything a prophet couldn t say i want our pet to like me and be as gay as a butterfly your own home in that second marriage and never do both me and her the injury you have hinted at i comprehended at once that my aunt was right and i comprehended the full extent of her generous feeling towards my dear wife these are early days trot she pursued and was not built in a day nor in a year you have chosen freely for yourself a cloud passed over her face for a moment i thought and you have chosen a very pretty and a very affectionate creature it will be your duty and it will be your pleasure too of course i know that i am not delivering a lecture to estimate her as you chose her by the qualities she has and not by the qualities she may not have the latter you must develop in her if you can and if you cannot child here my aunt rubbed her nose you must just yourself to do without em but remember my dear your future is between you two no one can assist you you are to work it out for yourselves this is marriage trot and heaven bless you both in it for a pair of in the wood as you are op david my aunt said this in a way and gave me a kiss to the blessing now said she light my little lantern and see me into my by the garden path for there was a communication between our cottages in that direction give s love to blossom when you come back and whatever you do trot never dream of setting up as a for if i ever saw her in the glass she s quite grim enough and gaunt enough in her private capacity with this my aunt tied her head up in a handkerchief with which she was accustomed to make a bundle of it on such occasions and i escorted her home as she stood in her garden holding up her little lantern to light me back i thought her observation of me had an anxious air again but i was too much occupied in pondering on what she had said and too much impressed for the first time in reality by the conviction that and i had indeed to work out our future for ourselves and that no one could assist us to take much notice of it came stealing down in her little slippers to meet me now that i was alone and cried upon my shoulder and said i had been and she had been naughty and i said much the same thing in effect i believe and we made it up and agreed that our first little difference was to be our last and that we were never to have another if we lived a hundred years the next domestic trial we went through was the ordeal of servants mary anne s cousin deserted into our coal hole and was brought out to our great amazement by a of his companions in arms who took him away in a procession that covered our front garden with this me to get rid of mary anne who went so mildly on receipt of wages that i was surprised until i found out about the tea and also about the little sums she had borrowed in my name of the without authority after an interval of mrs the oldest of town i believe who went out but was too feeble to execute her of that art we found another
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treasure who was one of the most amiable of women but who generally made a point of falling either up or down the kitchen stairs with the tray and almost always plunged into the parlor as into a bath with the tea things the committed by this unfortunate rendering her dismissal necessary she was succeeded with intervals of mrs by a long hue of in a young person oi genteel appearance who went to fair in s bonnet whom i remember nothing but an average equality of failure everybody we had anything to do with seemed to cheat us appearance in a shop was a signal for the goods to be brought out immediately if we bought a it was full of water all our meat turned out to be tough and there was hardly any crust to our in search of the principle on which joints ought to be to be enough and not too much i myself referred to the book and found it there established as the allowance of a quarter of an hour to every pound and say a quarter over but the principle always failed us by some curious and we never could hit any medium between and the history and experience i had reason to believe that in these failures we incurred a far greater expense than if we had achieved a series of triumphs it appeared to me on looking over the s books as if we might have kept the story paved with butter such was the extensive scale of our consumption of that article i don t know whether the returns of the period may have exhibited any increase in the demand for but if our performances did not affect the market i should say several families must have left off using it and the most wonderful fact of all was that we never had anything in the house as to the the clothes and coming in a state of penitent to i suppose that might have happened several times to anybody also the chimney on fire the parish engine and on the part of the but i apprehend that we were personally unfortunate in engaging a servant with a taste for who swelled our running account for porter at the public house by such inexplicable as rum mrs c half gin and mrs c glass rum and mrs c the always referring to who was supposed it appeared on explanation to have the whole of these one of our first in the housekeeping way was a little dinner to i met him in town and asked him to walk out with me that afternoon he readily i wrote to saying i would bring him home it was pleasant weather and on the road we made my domestic happiness the theme of conversation was very full of it and said that himself with such a home and waiting and preparing for him he could think of nothing wanting to complete his bliss i could not have wished for a prettier little wife at the opposite end of the table but i certainly could have wished when we down for a little more room i did not know how it was but though there were only two of us we were at once always cramped for room and yet had always room enough to lose everything in i suspect it may have been because nothing had a place of its own except s which invariably blocked up the main on the present occasion was so hemmed in by the and the case and s flower painting and my writing table that i had serious doubts of the possibility of his using his knife and fork but he protested with his own good humour of room i assure you there was another thing i could have wished namely that had never been encouraged to walk about the table cloth during dinner i began to think there was something in his being there at all even if he had not been in the habit of putting his foot in the salt or the melted butter on this occasion he seemed to think he was introduced expressly to keep at bay and he at my old friend and made short runs at his plate with such that he may be said to have engrossed the conversation however as i knew how tender hearted my dear was and how sensitive she would be to any slight upon her favorite i hinted no objection for similar reasons i made no allusion to the of david plates upon the floor or to the appearance of the which were all at and and looked drunk or to the further of by wandering vegetable dishes and i could not help wondering in my own mind as i contemplated the boiled leg of mutton before me previous to carving it how it came to pass that our joints of meat were of such extraordinary shapes and whether our butcher contracted for all the sheep that came into the world but i kept my reflections to myself my love said i to what have you got in that dish i could not imagine why had been making tempting little faces at me as if she wanted to kiss me dear said timidly was that your thought said i delighted te yes said there never was a happier one i exclaimed laying down the carving knife and fork there is nothing likes so much ye yes said and so i bought a beautiful little barrel of them and the man said they were very good but i i am afraid there s something the matter with them they don t seem right here shook her head and diamonds in her eyes they are only opened in both shells said i take the top one off my love but it won t come off said trying very hard and looking very
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much distressed do you know said cheerfully examining the dish i think it is in consequence they are capital but i think it is in consequence of their never having been opened they never had been opened and we had no knives and couldn t have used them if we had so we looked at the and ate the mutton at least we ate as much of it as was done and made up with if i had permitted him i am satisfied that would have made a perfect savage of himself and eaten a of raw meat to express enjoyment of the but i would hear of no such on the altar of friendship and we had a course of bacon instead there happening by good fortune to be cold bacon in the my poor little wife was in such affliction when she thought i should be annoyed and in such a state of joy when she found i was not that the discomfiture i had subdued very soon vanished and we passed a happy evening sitting with her arm on my chair while and i discussed a glass of wine and taking every opportunity of whispering in my ear that it was so good of me not to be a cruel cross old boy by and bye she made tea for us which it was so pretty to see her do as if she were herself with a set of doll s tea things that i was not particular about the quality of the then and i played a game or two at and singing to the the while it seemed to me as if our courtship and marriage were a tender dream of mine and the night when i first listened to her voice were not yet over when went away and i came back into the parlor from seeing him out my wife planted her chair close to mine and sat down by my side the personal history and experience i am very sorry she said will you try to teach me i must teach myself first said i i am as bad as you love ah but you can learn she returned and you are a clever clever man nonsense mouse said i i wish resumed my wife after a long silence that i could have gone down into the country for a whole year and lived with her hands were clasped upon my shoulder and her chin rested on them and her blue eyes looked quietly into mine why so i asked i think she might have improved me and i think i might have learnt from her said all in good time my love has had her father to take care of for these many years you should remember even when she was quite a child she was the whom we know said i will you call me a name i want you to call me inquired without moving f what is it i asked with a smile it s a stupid name she said shaking her curls for a moment child wife i asked my child wife what her fancy was in desiring to be so called she answered without moving otherwise than as the arm i about her may have brought her blue eyes nearer to me i don t mean you silly fellow that you should use the name instead of i only mean that you should think of me that way when you are going to be angry with me say to yourself it s only my child wife when i am very say i knew a long time ago that she would make but a child wife when you miss what i should like to be and i think can never be say still my foolish child wife loves me for indeed i do i had not been serious with her having no idea until now that she was serious herself but her affectionate nature was so happy in what i now said to her with my whole heart that her face became a laughing one before her glittering eyes were dry she was soon my child wife indeed sitting down on the floor outside the chinese house ringing all the little bells one after another to punish for his recent bad behaviour while lay in the doorway with his head out even too lazy to be this appeal of s made a strong impression on me i look back on the time i write of i the innocent figure that i dearly loved to come out from the mists and shadows of the past and turn its gentle head towards me once again and i can still declare that this one little speech was constantly in my memory i may not have used it to the best account i was young and inexperienced but i never turned a deaf ear to its pleading told me shortly afterwards that she was going to be a wonderful housekeeper accordingly she polished the pointed the pencil bought an immense account book carefully up with a needle and thread all the leaves of the book which had torn and made of david quite a desperate little attempt to be good as she called it but the figures had the old obstinate they would not add up when she had entered two or three laborious in the account book would walk over the page his tail and them all out her own little right hand middle finger got to the very bone in ink and i think that was the only decided result attained sometimes of an evening when i was at home and at work for i wrote a good deal now and was beginning in a small way to be known as a writer i would lay down my pen and watch my child wife trying to be good first of all she would
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bring out the immense account book and lay it down upon the table with a deep sigh then she would open it at the place where had made it last night and call up to look at his this would occasion a diversion in s favour and some of his nose perhaps as a penalty then she would tell to he down on the table instantly like a hon which was one of his tricks though i cannot say the likeness was striking and if he were in an obedient humor he would obey then she would take up a pen and begin to write and find a hair in it then she would take up another pen and begin to write and find that it then she would take up another pen and begin to write and say in a low voice oh it s a talking pen and will disturb and then she would give it up as a bad job and put the account book away after pretending to crush the lion with it or if she were in a very and serious state of mind she would sit down with the and a basket of bills and other documents which looked more like curl papers than anything else and endeavour to get some result out of them after severely comparing one with another and making on the and them out and counting all the fingers of her left hand over and over again backwards and forwards she would be so vexed and discouraged and would look so unhappy that it gave me pain to see her bright face clouded and for me and i would go softly to her and say what s the matter would look up hopelessly and reply they won t come right they make my head ache so and they won t do anything i want then i would say now let us try together let me show you then i would commence a practical demonstration to which would pay profound attention perhaps for five minutes when she would begin to be dreadfully tired and would the subject by curling my han or trying the effect of my face with my shirt collar turned down if i checked this and persisted she would look so scared and as she became more and more bewildered that the remembrance of her natural gaiety when i first strayed into her path and of her being my child wife would come reproachfully upon me and i would lay the pencil down and call for the i had a great deal of work to do and had many anxieties but the same considerations made me keep them to myself i am far from sure now that it wa right to do this but i did it for my child wife s sake i search my breast and i commit its secrets if i know them the personal history and experience without any to this paper the old unhappy loss or want of something had i am conscious some place in my heart but not to the of my life when i walked alone in the fine weather and thought of the summer days when all the air had been filled with my boyish enchantment i did miss something of the of my dreams but i thought it was a softened glory of the past which nothing could have thrown upon the present time i did feel sometimes for a little while that i could have wished my wife had been my had had more character and purpose to sustain me and improve me by had been endowed with power to fill up the void which somewhere seemed to be about me but i felt as if this were an of my happiness that never had been meant to be and never could have been i was a boyish husband as to years i had known the softening influence of no other sorrows or experiences than those recorded in these leaves if i did any wrong as i may have done much i did it in mistaken love and in my want of wisdom i write the exact truth it would avail me nothing to it now thus it was that i took upon myself the toils and cares of our life and had no partner in them we lived much as before in reference to our household arrangements but i had got used to those and i was pleased to see was seldom vexed now she was bright and cheerful in the old childish way loved me dearly and was happy with her old trifles when the were heavy i mean as to length not quality for in the last respect they were not often otherwise and i went home late would never rest when she heard my footsteps but would always come down stairs to meet me when my evenings were by the pursuit for which i had qualified myself with so much pains and i was engaged in writing at home she would sit quietly near me however late the hour and be so mute that i would often think she had dropped asleep but generally when i raised my head i saw her blue eyes looking at me with the quiet attention of which i have already spoken oh what a weary boy said one night when i met her eyes as i was shutting up my desk what a weary girl said i that s more to the purpose you must go to bed another time my love it s far too late for you no don t send me to bed pleaded coming to my side pray don t do that to my amazement she was sobbing on my neck not well my dear not happy yes quite well and very happy said but say you let me stop and see you write why what a
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to interest can we the doctor shook his head and that s why i so much approve said mrs tapping him on the shoulder with her shut up fan of your it shows that you don t expect as many elderly people do expect old of david heads on young shoulders you have studied s character and you understand it that s what i find so charming even the calm and patient face of doctor strong expressed some little sense of pain i thought under the of these compliments therefore my dear doctor said the soldier giving him several affectionate you may command me at all times and seasons now do understand that i am entirely at your service i am ready to go with to all kinds of places and you shall never find that i am tired duty my dear doctor before every consideration in the universe she was as good as her word she was one of those people who can bear a great deal of pleasure and she never in her perseverance in the cause she seldom got hold of the newspaper which she settled herself down in the chair in the house to read through an every day for two hours but she found out something that she was certain would like to see it was in vain for to protest that she was weary of such things her mother s remonstrance always was now my dear i am sure you know better and i must tell you my love that you are not making a proper return for the kindness of doctor strong this was usually said in the doctor s presence and appeared to me to constitute s principal for withdrawing her objections when she made any but in general she resigned herself to her mother and went where the old soldier would it rarely happened now that mr accompanied them sometimes my aunt and were invited to do so and accepted the invitation sometimes only was asked the time had been when i should have been uneasy in her going but reflection on what had passed that former night in the doctor s study had made a change in my i believed that the doctor was right and i had no worse suspicions my aunt rubbed her nose sometimes when she happened to be alone with me and said she couldn t make it out she wished they were happier she didn t think our military friend so she always called the old soldier mended the matter at all my aunt further expressed her opinion that if our military friend would cut off those and give em to the chimney for may day it would look like the beginning of something sensible on her part but her abiding reliance was on mr dick that man had evidently an idea in his head she said and if he could only once pen it up into a corner which was his great difficulty he would distinguish himself in some extraordinary manner unconscious of this mr dick continued to occupy precisely the same ground in reference to the doctor and to mrs strong he seemed neither to advance nor to he appeared to have settled into his original foundation like a building and i must confess that my faith in his ever moving was not much greater than if he had been a building but one night when i had been married some months mr dick put his head into the parlor where i was writing alone having gone out with my aunt to take tea with the two little birds and said with a significant cough the personal history and experience you couldn t speak to ine without yourself trot wood i am afraid certainly mr dick said i come in said mr dick laying his finger on the side of his nose after he had shaken hands with me before i sit down i wish to make an observation you know your aunt a little i replied she is the most wonderful woman in the world sir after the delivery of this communication which he shot out of himself as if he were loaded with it mr dick sat down with greater gravity than usual and looked at me now boy said mr dick i am going to put a question to you as many as you please said i what do you consider me sir asked mr dick folding his arms a dear old friend said i thank you returned mr dick laughing and reaching across in high glee to shake hands with me but i mean boy his gravity what do you consider me in this respect touching his forehead i was puzzled how to answer but he helped me with a word weak said mr dick well i replied so exactly cried mr dick who seemed quite enchanted by my reply that is when they took some of the trouble out of you s head and put it you know where there was a mr dick made his two hands very fast about each other a great number of times and then brought them into collision and rolled them over and over one another to express confusion there was that sort of thing done to me somehow eh i nodded at him and he nodded back again in short boy said mr dick dropping his voice to a whisper i am simple i would have qualified that conclusion but he stopped me yes i am she i am not she won t hear of it but i am i know i am if she hadn t stood my friend sir i should have been shut up to lead a dismal life these many years but i provide for her i never spend the money i put it in a box i have made a will i leave it all to her she shall be rich noble mr dick
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took out his pocket handkerchief and wiped his eyes he then folded it up with great care pressed it smooth between his two hands put it in his pocket and seemed to put my aunt away with it now you are a scholar said mr dick you are a fine scholar you know what a learned man what a great man the doctor is you know what honor he has always done me not proud in his wisdom humble humble even to poor dick who is simple and knows nothing i have sent his name up on a scrap of paper to the along the string when it has been in the sky among the the has been glad to receive it sir and the sky has been brighter with it i delighted him by saying most heartily that the doctor was deserving of our best respect and highest esteem of david and his beautiful wife is a star said mr dick a shining star i have seen her shine sir but bringing his chair nearer and laying one hand upon my knee clouds sir clouds i answered the solicitude which his face expressed by conveying the same expression into my own and shaking my head what clouds said mr dick he looked so wistfully into my face and was so anxious to understand that i took great pains to answer him slowly and distinctly as i might have entered on an explanation to a child there is some unfortunate division between them i replied some unhappy cause of separation a secret it may be inseparable from the in their years it may have grown up out of almost nothing mr dick who told off every sentence with a thoughtful nod paused when i had done and sat considering with his eyes upon my face and his hand upon my knee doctor not angry with her he said after some time no devoted to her then i have got it boy said mr dick the sudden exultation with which he me on the knee and leaned back in his chair with his eyebrows lifted up as high as he could possibly lift them made me think him farther out of his wits than ever he became as suddenly grave again and leaning forward as before said first respectfully taking out his pocket handkerchief as if it really did represent my aunt most wonderful woman in the world why has she done nothing to set things right too delicate and difficult a subject for such interference i replied fine scholar said mr dick me with his finger why has he done nothing for the same reason i returned then i have got it boy said mr dick and he stood up before me more than before nodding his head and striking himself repeatedly upon the breast until one might have supposed that he had nearly nodded and struck all the breath out of his body a poor fellow with a sir said mr dick a a person present company you know striking himself again may do what wonderful people may not do i bring them together boy i try they not blame me they not object to me they not mind what do if it s wrong i m only mr dick and who minds dick dick s nobody he blew a slight contemptuous breath as if he blew himself away it was fortunate he had proceeded so far with his mystery for we heard the coach stop at the little garden gate which brought my aunt and home not a word boy he pursued in a whisper leave all the blame with dick simple dick mad dick i have been thinking sir for some time that i was getting it and now i have got it after what you have said to me i am sure i have got it all right not another word did mr dick utter on the subject but he made a the personal history and experience very telegraph of himself for the next half hour to the great disturbance of my aunt s mind to on me to my surprise i heard no more about it for some two or three weeks though i was sufficiently interested in the result of his a strange gleam of good sense i say nothing of good feeling for that he always exhibited in the conclusion to which he had come at last i began to believe that in the and unsettled state of his mind he had either forgotten his intention or abandoned it one fair evening when was not inclined to go out my aunt and i strolled up to the doctor s cottage it was autumn when there were no to vex the evening air and i remember how the leaves smelt like our garden at as we trod them under foot and how the old unhappy feeling seemed to go by on the sighing wind it was twilight when we reached the cottage mrs strong was just coming out of the garden where mr dick yet lingered busy with his knife helping the gardener to point some the doctor was engaged with some one in his study but the visitor would be gone directly mrs strong said and begged us to remain and see him we went into the drawing room with her and sat down by the darkening window there was never any ceremony about the visits of such old friends and neighbours as we were we had not sat here many minutes when mrs who usually contrived to be in a fuss about something came bustling in with her newspaper in her hand and said out of breath my goodness gracious why didn t you tell me there was some one in the study my dear she quietly returned how could i know that you desired the information desired the information said mrs sinking
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saw a light in all the house if i had been a casual by i should have probably supposed that some person lay dead in it if i had happily possessed no knowledge of the place and had seen it often in that state i should have pleased my fancy with many ingenious speculations i dare say as it was i thought as little of it as i might but my mind could not go by it and leave it as my body did and it usually awakened a long train of meditations coming before me on this particular evening that i mention mingled with the childish recollections and later fancies the ghosts of half formed hopes the broken shadows of disappointments dimly seen and understood the of experience and imagination to the occupation with which my thoughts had been busy it was more than commonly suggestive i fell into a brown study as i walked on and a voice at my side made me start it was a woman s voice too i was not long in mrs s little parlor maid who had formerly worn blue ribbons in her cap she had taken them out now to herself i suppose to the altered character of the house and wore but one or two bows of sober brown if you please sir would you have the goodness to walk in and speak to miss has miss sent you for me i inquired not to night sir but it s just the same miss saw you pass a night or two ago and i was to sit at work on the staircase and when i saw you pass again to ask you to step in and speak to her the personal history and experience i turned back and inquired of my conductor as we went along how mrs was she said her lady was but poorly and kept her own room a good deal when we arrived at the house i was directed to miss in the garden and left to make my presence known to her myself she was sitting on a seat at one end of a kind of terrace overlooking the great city it was a sombre evening with a lurid light in the sky and as i saw the prospect in the distance with here and there some larger object starting up into the sullen glare i fancied it was no companion to the memory of this fierce woman she saw me as i advanced and rose for a moment to receive me i thought her then still more and thin than when i had seen her last the flashing eyes still brighter and the still our meeting was not cordial we had parted angrily on the last occasion and there was an air of disdain about her which she took no pains to conceal i am told you wish to speak to me miss said i standing near her with my hand upon the back of the seat and declining her gesture of invitation to sit down if you please said she pray has this girl been found no and yet she has run away i saw her thin lips working while she looked at me as if they were eager to load her with reproaches run away i repeated yes from him she said with a laugh if she is not found perhaps she never will be found she may be dead the cruelty with which she met my glance i never saw expressed in any other face that ever i have seen to wish her dead said i may be the kindest wish that one of her own sex could bestow upon her i am glad that time has softened you so much miss she condescended to make no reply but turning on me with another scornful laugh said the friends of this excellent and much injured young lady are friends of yours you are their champion and assert their rights do you wish to know what is known of her yes said i she rose with an ill favored smile and taking a few steps towards a wall of that was near at hand dividing the lawn from a said in a louder voice come here as if she were calling to ome beast you will restrain any or vengeance in this place of course mr said she looking over her shoulder at me with the same expression i inclined my head without knowing what she meant and she said come here again and returned followed by the respectable mr who with respectability made me a bow and took up his position behind her the air of wicked grace of triumph in of david which strange to say there was yet something feminine and with which she upon the seat between us and looked at me was worthy of a cruel princess in a legend now said she without glancing at him and touching the old wound as it perhaps in this instance with pleasure rather than pain tell mr about the flight mr james and myself ma am don t address yourself to me she interrupted with a frown mr james and myself sir nor to me if you please said i mr without being at all signified by a slight that anything that was most agreeable to us was most agreeable to him and began again mr james and myself have been abroad with the young woman ever since she left under mr james s protection we have been in a variety of places and seen a deal of foreign country we have been in france italy in fact almost all parts he looked at the back of the seat as if he were addressing himself to that and softly played upon it with his hands as if he were striking upon a dumb piano mr james took quite uncommonly to the young woman and was more settled
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for a length of time than i have known him to be since i have been in his service the young woman was very and spoke the languages and wouldn t have been known for the same i noticed that she was much admired wherever we went miss put her hand upon her side i saw him steal a glance at her and slightly smile to himself very much admired indeed the young woman was what with her dress what with the air and sun what with being made so much of what with this that and the other her merits really attracted general notice he made a short pause her eyes wandered over the distant prospect and she bit her lip to stop that busy mouth taking his hands from the seat and placing one of them within the other as he settled himself on one leg mr proceeded with his eyes cast down and his respectable head a little advanced and a little on one side the young woman went on in this manner for some time being occasionally low in her spirits until i think she began to weary mr james by giving way to her low spirits and of that kind and things were not so comfortable mr james he began to be restless again the more restless he got the worse she got and i must say for myself that i had a very difficult time of it indeed between the two still matters were patched up here and made good there over and over again and altogether lasted i am sure for a longer time than anybody could have expected recalling her eyes from the distance she looked at me again now with her former air mr clearing his throat behind his hand with a respectable short cough changed legs and went on at last when there had been upon the whole a good many words the history and experience and reproaches mr james he set off one morning from the neighbourhood of where we had a villa the young woman being very partial to the sea and under pretence of coming back in a day or so left it in charge with me to break it out that for the general happiness of all concerned he was here an interruption of the short cough gone but mr james i must say certainly did behave extremely honorable for he proposed that the young woman should marry a very respectable person who was fully prepared to overlook the past and who was at least as good as anybody the young woman could have to in a regular way her being very common he changed legs again and his lips i was convinced that the scoundrel spoke of himself and i saw my conviction reflected in miss s face this i also had it in charge to communicate i was willing to do anything to relieve mr james from his difficulty and to restore harmony between himself and an affectionate parent who has undergone so much on his account therefore i undertook the commission the young woman s violence when she came to after i broke the fact of his departure was beyond all expectations she was quite mad and had to be held by force or if she couldn t have got to a knife or got to the sea she d have beaten her head against the marble floor miss leaning back upon the seat with a light of exultation in her face seemed almost to caress the sounds this fellow had uttered but when i came to the second part of what had been to me said mr rubbing his hands uneasily which anybody might have supposed would have been at all events appreciated as a kind intention then the young woman came out in her true colors a more outrageous person i never did see her conduct was bad she had no more gratitude no more feeling no more patience no reason in her than a stock or a stone if i hadn t been upon my guard i am convinced she would have had my blood i think the better of her for it said i indignantly mr bent his head as much as to say indeed sir but you re young and resumed his narrative it was necessary in short for a time to take away everything nigh her that she could do herself or anybody else an injury with and to shut her up close notwithstanding which she got out in the night forced the of a window that i had nailed up myself dropped on a vine that was below and never has been seen or heard of to my knowledge since she is dead perhaps said miss with a smile as if she could have the body of the ruined girl she may have herself miss returned mr catching at an excuse for addressing himself to somebody it s very possible or she may have had assistance from the and the wives and children being given to low company she was very much in the habit of talking to them on the beach miss and sitting by their boats i have known her do it when mr james has been away whole days mr james was far from pleased of david to find out once that she had told the children she was a s daughter and that in her own country long ago she had about the beach like them oh unhappy beauty what a picture rose before me of her sitting on the far off shore among the children like herself when she was innocent to little voices such as might have called her mother had she been a poor man s wife and to the great voice of the sea with its eternal never more when it was clear that nothing could be done miss did i tell you not to
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speak to me she said with stern contempt you spoke to me miss he replied i beg your pardon but it s my service to obey do your service she returned finish your story and go when it was clear he said with infinite respectability and an obedient bow that she was not to be found i went to mr james at the place where it had been agreed that i should write to him and informed him of what had occurred words passed between us in consequence and i felt it due to my character to leave him i could bear and i have borne a great deal from mr james but he insulted me too far he hurt me knowing the unfortunate difference between himself and his mother and what her anxiety of mind was likely to be i took the liberty of coming home to england and relating for money which i paid him said miss to me just so ma am and relating what i knew i am not aware said mr after a moment s reflection that there is anything else i am at present out of employment and should be happy to meet with a respectable situation miss glanced at me as though she would inquire if there were anything that i desired to ask as there was something which had occurred to my mind i said in reply i could wish to know from this creature i could not bring myself to utter any more word whether they a letter that was written to her from home or whether he that she received it he remained calm and silent with his eyes fixed on the ground and the tip of every finger of his right hand delicately poised against the tip of every finger of his left miss turned her head towards him i beg your pardon miss he said awakening from his abstraction but however to you i have my position though a servant mr and you miss are different people if mr wishes to know anything from me i take the liberty of reminding mr that he can put a question to me i have a character to maintain after a momentary struggle with myself i turned my eyes upon him and said you have heard my question consider it addressed to yourself if you choose what answer do you make sir he rejoined with an occasional separation and of those delicate tips my answer must be qualified because to betray mr james s the personal history and experience confidence to his mother and to betray it to you are two different actions it is not probable i consider that mr james would encourage the receipt of letters likely to increase low spirits and but further than that sir i should wish to avoid going is that all miss of me i indicated that i had nothing more to say except i added as i saw him moving off that i understand this fellow s part in the wicked story and that as i shall make it known to the honest man who has been her father from her childhood i would recommend him to avoid going too much into public he had stopped the moment i began and had listened with his usual repose of manner thank you sir but you ll excuse me if i say sir that there are neither slaves nor slave drivers in this country and that people are not allowed to take the law into their own hands if they do it is more to their own peril i believe than to other people s consequently speaking i am not at all afraid of going wherever i may wish sir with that he made me a polite bow and with another to miss went away through the arch in the wall of by which he had come miss and i regarded each other for a little while in silence her manner being exactly what it was when she had produced the man he says besides she observed with a slow curling of her lip that his master as he hears is spain and this done is away to gratify his tastes till he is weary but that is of no interest to you between these two proud persons mother and son there is a wider breach than before and little hope of its healing for they are one at heart and time makes each more obstinate and imperious neither is this of any interest to you but it what i wish to say this devil whom you make an angel of i mean this low girl whom he picked out of the tide mud with her black eyes full upon me and her passionate finger up may be alive for i believe some common things are hard to die if she is you will desire to have a pearl of such price found and taken care of we desire that too that he may not by any chance be made her prey again so far we are united in one interest and that is why i who would do her any mischief that so coarse a wretch is capable of feeling have sent for you to hear what you have heard i saw by the change in her face that some one was advancing behind me it was mrs who gave me her hand more coldly than of and with an of her former of manner but still i perceived and i was touched by it with an remembrance of my old love for her son she was greatly altered her fine figure was far less upright her handsome face was deeply marked and her hair was almost white but when she sat down on the seat she was a handsome lady still and well i knew the bright eye with its lofty look that had been a light
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in my very dreams at school is mr informed of everything yes aud has he heard himself yes i have told him why you wished it op david you are a good girl i have had some slight correspondence with your former friend sir addressing me but it has not restored his sense of duty or natural obligation therefore i have no other object in this than what has mentioned if by the course which may relieve the mind of the decent man you brought here for whom i am sorry i can say no more my son may be saved from again falling into the of a enemy well she drew herself up and sat looking straight before her far away madam i said respectfully i understand i assure you i am in no danger of putting any strained construction on your motives but i must say even to you having known this injured family from childhood that if you suppose the girl so deeply wronged has not been cruelly and would not rather die a hundred deaths than take a cup of water from your son s hand now you cherish a terrible mistake well well said mrs as the other was about to it is no matter let it be you are married sir i am told i answered that i had been some time married and are doing well i hear little in the quiet life i lead but i understand you are beginning to be famous i have been very fortunate i said and find my name connected with some praise you have no mother in a softened voice no it is a pity she returned she would have been proud of you good night i took the hand she held out with a dignified air and it was as calm in mine as if her breast had been at peace her pride could still its veiy it appeared and draw the placid veil before her face through which she sat looking straight before her on the far distance as i moved away from them along the terrace i could not help observing how steadily they both sat gazing on the prospect and how it and closed around them here and there some early lamps were seen to twinkle in the distant city and in the eastern quarter of the sky the lurid light still hovered but from the greater part of the broad valley interposed a mist was rising like a sea which mingling with the darkness made it seem as if the gathering waters would them i have reason to remember this and think of it with awe for before i looked upon those two again a stormy sea had risen to their feet on what had been thus told me i felt it right that it should be communicated to mr on the following evening i went into london in quest of him he was always wandering about from place to place with his one object of recovering his niece before him but was more in london than elsewhere often and often now had i seen him in the dead of night passing along the streets searching among the few who out of doors at those hours for what he dreaded to find he kept a lodging over the little s shop in market which i have had occasion to mention more than once and from which he first went forth upon his errand of mercy hither i directed my walk the personal history and experience on making inquiry for him i learned from the people of the house that he had not gone out yet and i should find him in his room up stairs he was sitting reading by a window in which he kept a few plants the room was very neat and orderly i saw in a moment that it was always kept prepared for her reception and that he never went out but he thought it possible he might bring her home he had not heard my tap at the door and only raised his eyes when i laid my hand upon his shoulder r sir hearty for this visit sit ye down you re kindly welcome sir mr said i taking the chair he handed me don t expect much i have heard some news of ly he put his hand in a nervous manner on his mouth and turned pale as he fixed his eyes on mine it gives no clue to where she is but she is not with him he sat down looking intently at me and listened in profound silence to all i had to tell i well remember the sense of dignity beauty even with which the patient gravity of his face impressed me when having gradually removed his eyes from mine he sat looking downward leaning his forehead on his hand he offered no interruption but remained throughout perfectly still he seemed to pursue her figure through the narrative and to let every other shape go by him as if it were nothing when i had done he shaded his face and continued silent i looked out of the window for a little while and occupied myself with the plants how do you fare to feel about it r he inquired at length i think that she is living i replied i t know maybe the first shock was too rough and in the of her art that there blue water as she used to speak on could she have o that so many year because it was to be her grave he said this musing in a low frightened voice and walked across the little room and yet he added r i have felt so sure as she was living i have know d awake and sleeping as it was so that i should find her i have been so led on by it
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and held up by it that i t believe i can have been deceived no em ly s alive he put his hand down firmly on the table and set his face into a resolute expression my niece em ly is alive sir he said i t know it comes from or how tis but i am told as she s alive he looked almost like a man inspired as he said it i waited for a few moments until he could give me his attention and then proceeded to explain the precaution that it had occurred to me last night it would be wise to take now my dear friend i began kind sir he said grasping my hand in both of his of david if she should make her way to london which is likely for where could she lose herself so readily as in this vast city and what would she wish to do but lose and hide herself if she does not go home and she won t go home he interposed shaking his head mournfully if she had left of her own accord she might not as twas sir if she should come here said i i believe there is one person here more likely to discover her than any other in the world do you remember hear what i say with fortitude think of your great object do you remember of our town i needed no other answer than his face do you know that she is in london i have seen her in the streets he answered with a shiver but you don t know said i that was charitable to her with ham s help long before she fled from home nor that when we met one night and spoke together in the room yonder over the way she listened at the door r he replied in astonishment that night when it so hard that night i have never seen her since i went back after parting from you to speak to her but she was gone i was unwilling to mention her to you then and i am now but she is the person of whom i speak and with whom i think we should communicate do you understand too well sir he replied we had sunk our voices almost to a whisper and continued to speak in that tone you say you have seen her do you think that you could find her i could only hope to do so by chance i think r i know to look it is dark being together shall we go out now and try to find her to night he assented and prepared to accompany me without appearing to observe what he was doing i saw how carefully he adjusted the little room put a candle ready and the means of lighting it arranged the bed and finally took out of a drawer one of her dresses i remembered to have seen her wear it neatly folded with some other garments and a bonnet which he placed upon a chair he made no allusion to these clothes neither did i there they had been waiting for her many and many a night no doubt the time was r he said as we came down stairs when i this girl a most like the dirt underneath my em ly s feet god forgive me there s a difference now as we went along partly to hold him in conversation and partly to satisfy myself i asked him about ham he said almost in the same words as formerly that ham was just the same wearing away his life with no care for t but never murmuring and liked by all i asked him what he thought ham s state of mind was in reference to the cause of their misfortunes whether he believed it was dangerous the personal history and experience what he supposed for example ham would do if he and ever should encounter i t know sir he replied i have of it hut i can t myself of it no matters i recalled to his remembrance the morning after her departure when we were all three on the beach do you recollect said i a certain wild way in which he looked out to sea and spoke about the end of it sure i do said he what do you suppose he meant r he replied i ve put the question to myself a o times and never found no answer and s one thing that though he is so pleasant i wouldn t fare to feel comfortable to try and get his mind upon t he never said a to me as warn t as as could be and it ain t likely as he d begin to speak any other ways now but it s fur from being fleet water in his mind where them lays it s deep sir and i can t see down you are right said i and that has sometimes made me anxious and me too r he rejoined even more so i do assure you than his ways though both belongs to the alteration in him i t know as he d do violence under any but i hope as them two may be we had come through temple bar into the city conversing no more now and walking at my side he yielded himself up to the one aim of his devoted life and went on with that hushed of his faculties which would have made his figure solitary in a multitude we were not far from bridge when he turned his head and pointed to a solitary female figure flitting along the opposite side of the street i knew it readily to be the figure that we sought we crossed the road and were pressing on towards her when it occurred to me
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that she might be more disposed to feel a woman s interest in the lost girl if we spoke to her in a place aloof from the crowd and where we should be less observed i advised my companion therefore that we should not address her yet but follow her consulting in this likewise an indistinct desire i had to know where she went he we followed at a distance never losing sight of her but never caring to come very near as she frequently looked about once she stopped to listen to a band of music and then we stopped too she went on a long way still we went on it was evident from the manner in which she held her course that she was going to some fixed destination and this and her keeping in the busy streets and i suppose the strange fascination in the and mystery of so following any one made me to my first purpose at length she turned into a dull dark street where the noise and crowd were lost and i said we may speak to her now and mending our pace we went after her of david xl vii we were now down in westminster we had turned back to follow her having encountered her coming towards us and westminster abbey was the point at which she passed from the lights and noise of the leading streets she proceeded so quickly when she got free of the two currents of passengers setting towards and from the bridge that between this and the advance she had of us when she struck off we were in the narrow water side street by before we came up with her at that moment she crossed the road as if to avoid the footsteps that she heard so close behind and without looking back passed on even more rapidly a glimpse of the river through a dull where some were for the night seemed to arrest my feet i touched my companion without speaking and we both to cross after her and both followed on that opposite side of the way keeping as quietly as we could in the shadow of the houses but keeping very near her there was and is when i write at the end of that low lying street a little wooden building probably an old house its position is just at that point where the street ceases and the road begins to lie between a row of houses and the river as soon as she came here and saw the water she stopped as if she had come to her destination and presently slowly along by the brink of the river looking intently at it all the way here i had supposed that she was going to some house indeed i had vaguely entertained the hope that the house might be in some way associated with the lost girl but that one dark glimpse of the river through the had instinctively prepared me for her going no farther the neighbourhood was a dreary one at that time as oppressive sad and solitary by night as any about london there were neither nor houses on the melancholy waste of road near the great blank prison a ditch deposited its mud at the prison walls coarse grass and rank weeds over all the land in the vicinity in one part of houses in begun and never finished away in another the ground was with rusty iron monsters of steam wheels pipes sails and i know not what strange objects accumulated by some and in the dust underneath which having sunk into the soil of their own weight in wet weather they had the appearance of vainly trying to hide themselves the clash and glare of sundry fiery works upon the river side arose by night to disturb everything except the heavy and unbroken smoke that poured out of their chimneys and winding among old wooden piles with a sickly substance clinging to the latter hke green hair and the rags of last year s offering rewards for drowned men fluttering above i i the personal history and experience high water mark led down through the and to the tide there was a story that one of the dug for the dead in the time of the great plague was and a influence seemed to have proceeded from it over the whole place or else it looked as if it had gradually into that nightmare condition out of the of the stream as if she were a part of the refuse it had cast out and left to corruption and decay the girl we had followed strayed down to the river s brink and stood in the midst of this night picture lonely and still looking at the water there were some boats and in the mud and these enabled us to come within a few yards of her without being seen i then signed to mr to remain where he was and emerged from their shade to speak to her i did not approach her solitary figure without trembling for this gloomy end to her determined walk and the way in which she stood almost within the shadow of the iron bridge looking at the lights reflected in the strong tide inspired a dread within me i think she was talking to herself i am sure although absorbed in gazing at the water that her shawl was off her shoulders and that she was her hands in it in an unsettled and bewildered way more like the action of a sleep than a waking person i know and never can forget that there was that in her wild manner which gave me no assurance but that she would sink before my eyes until i had her arm within my grasp at the same moment i said she uttered a terrified scream and struggled with me with such strength that i
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we knew which i at length she listened with great attention and with a face the personal history and experience that often changed but had the same purpose in all its varying expressions her eyes occasionally filled with tears but those she repressed it seemed as if her spirit were quite altered and she could not be too quiet she asked when all was told where we were to be communicated with if occasion should arise under a dull lamp in the road i wrote our two addresses on a leaf of my pocket book which i tore out and gave to her and which she put in her poor bosom i asked her where she lived herself she said after a pause in no place long it were better not to know mr suggesting to me in a whisper what had already occurred to myself i took out my purse but i could not prevail upon her to accept any money nor could i exact any promise from her that she would do so at another time i represented to her that mr could not be called for one in his condition poor and that the idea of her engaging in this search while depending on her own resources shocked us both she continued steadfast in this particular his influence upon her was equally powerless with mine she gratefully thanked him but remained inexorable there may be work to be got she said i try at least take some assistance i returned until you have tried i could not do what i have promised for money she replied i could not take it if i was starving to give me money would be to take away your trust to take away the object that you have given me to take away the only certain thing that me from the river in the name of the great judge said i before whom you and all of us must stand at his dread time dismiss that terrible idea we can all do some good if we will she trembled and her lip shook and her face was paler as she answered it has been put in your hearts perhaps to save a wretched creature for repentance i am afraid to think so it seems too bold if any good should come of me i might begin to hope for nothing but harm has ever come of my deeds yet i am to be trusted for the first time in a long while with my miserable life on account of what you have given me to try for i know no more and i can say no more again she repressed the tears that had begun to flow and putting out her trembling hand and touching mr as if there were some healing virtue in him went away along the desolate road she had been ill probably for a long time i observed upon that closer opportunity of observation that she was worn and haggard and that her sunken eyes expressed and endurance we followed her at a short distance our way lying in the same direction until we came back into the lighted and streets i had such confidence in her declaration that i then put it to mr whether it would not seem in the like her to follow her any further he being of the same mind and equally on her we suffered her to take her own road and took ours which was towards he accompanied me a good part of the way and when we parted with a prayer for the success of this fresh effort there was a new and thoughtful compassion in him that i was at no loss to interpret it was midnight when i arrived at home i had reached my own gate and was standing listening for the deep bell of saint paul s the sound of op david which i thought had been borne towards me among the multitude of striking when i was rather surprised to see that the door of my aunt s cottage was open and that a faint light in the entry was shining out across the road thinking that my aunt might have into one of her old and might be watching the progress of some imaginary in the distance i went to speak to her it was with very great surprise that i saw a man standing in her little garden he had a glass and bottle in his hand and was in the act of drinking i stopped short among the thick foliage outside for the moon was up now though obscured and i recognised the man whom i had once supposed to be a delusion of mr dick s and had once encountered with my aunt in the streets of the city he was eating as well as drinking and seemed to eat with a hungry appetite he seemed curious regarding the cottage too as if it were the first time he had seen it after stooping to put the bottle on the ground he looked up at the windows and looked about though with a covert and impatient air as if he was anxious to be gone the light in the passage was obscured for a moment and my aunt came out she was agitated and told some money into his hand i heard it what s the use of this he demanded i can spare no more returned my aunt then i can t go said he here you may take it back you bad man returned my aunt with great emotion how can you use me so but why do i ask it is because you know how weak i am what have i to do to free myself for ever of your visits but to abandon you to your deserts and why don t you abandon me to my deserts said he ask me why returned my aunt what
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a heart you must have he stood rattling the money and shaking his head until at length he said is this all you mean to give me then it is all i can give you said my aunt you know i have had losses and am poorer than i used to be i have told you so having got it why do you give me the pain of looking at you for another moment and seeing what you have become i have become shabby enough if you mean that he said i lead the life of an owl you stripped me of the greater part of all i ever had said my aunt you closed my heart against the whole world years and years you treated me and cruelly go and repent of it don t add new injuries to the long long of injuries you have done me aye he returned it s all very fine well i must do the best i can for the present i suppose in spite of himself he appeared abashed by my aunt s indignant tears and came out of the garden taking two or three quick steps as if i had just come up i met him at the gate and went in as he came out we eyed one another narrowly in passing and with no favour the personal history and experience aunt said i hurriedly this man alarming you again let me speak to him who is he child returned my aunt taking my arm come in and don t speak to me for ten minutes we sat down in her little parlor my aunt retired behind the round green fan of former days which was on the back of a chair and occasionally wiped her eyes for about a quarter of an hour then she came out and took a seat beside me trot said my aunt calmly it s my husband your husband aunt i thought he had been dead dead to me returned my aunt but living i sat in silent amazement don t look a likely subject for the tender passion said my aunt but the time was trot when she believed in that man most entirely when she loved him trot right well when there was no proof of attachment and affection that she would not have given him he repaid her by breaking her fortune and nearly breaking her heart so she put all that sort of sentiment once and for ever in a grave and filled it up and it down my dear good aunt i left him my aunt proceeded laying her hand as usual on the back of mine generously i may say at this distance of time trot that i left him generously he had been so cruel to me that i might have effected a separation on easy terms for myself but i did not he soon made ducks and of what i gave him sank lower and lower married another woman i believe became an adventurer a and a cheat what he is now you see but he was a fine looking man when i married him said my aunt with an echo of her old pride and admiration in her tone and i believed him i was a fool to be the soul of honor she gave my hand a squeeze and shook her head he is nothing to me now trot less than nothing but sooner than have him punished for his as he would be if he about in this country i give him more money than i can afford at intervals when he to go away i was a fool when i married him and i am so far an fool on that subject that for the sake of what i once him to be i wouldn t have even this shadow of my idle fancy hardly dealt with for i was in earnest trot if ever a woman was my aunt dismissed the matter with a heavy sigh and smoothed her dress there my dear she said now you know the beginning middle and end and all about it we won t mention the subject to one another any more neither of course will you mention it to anybody else this is my story and we ll keep it to ourselves trot of david chapter domestic i labored hard at my book without allowing it to interfere with the punctual discharge of my newspaper duties and it came out and was very successful i was not stunned by the praise which sounded in my ears notwithstanding that i was keenly alive to it and thought better of my own performance i have little doubt than anybody else did it has always been in my observation of human nature that a man who has any good reason to believe in himself never himself before the faces of other people in order that they may believe in him for this reason i retained my modesty in very self respect and the more praise i got the more i tried to deserve it is not my purpose in this record though in all other it is my written memory to pursue the history of my own they express themselves and i leave them to themselves when i refer to them incidentally it is only as a part of my progress having some foundation for believing by this time that nature and accident had made me an author i pursued my with confidence without such assurance i should certainly have left it alone and bestowed my energy on some other endeavour i should have tried to find out what nature and accident really had made me and to be that and nothing else i had been writing in the newspaper and elsewhere so that when my new success was achieved i considered myself reasonably entitled to escape from the dreary one joyful night
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therefore i noted down the music of the for the last time and i have never heard it since though i still recognise the old in the newspapers without any substantial except perhaps that there is more of it all the i now write of the time when i had been married i suppose about a year and a half after several varieties of experiment we had given up the housekeeping as a bad job the house kept itself and we kept a page the principal function of this was to quarrel with the cook in which respect he was a perfect without his cat or the remotest chance of being made lord mayor he appears to me to have lived in a hail of his whole existence was a he would shriek for help on the most improper occasions as when we had a little dinner party or a few friends in the evening and would come tumbling out of the kitchen with iron flying after him we wanted to get rid of him but he was very much attached to us and wouldn t go he was a tearful boy and broke into such deplorable when a of our was hinted at that we were obliged to keep him he had no mother no anything in the way of a relative that i could discover except a sister who fled to america the moment we had taken him off her hands and he the personal history a ne experience became on us like a horrible young he had a lively perception of his own unfortunate state and was always rubbing his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket or stooping to blow his nose on the extreme corner of a little pocket handkerchief which he never would take completely out of his pocket but always and this unlucky page engaged in an evil hour at six pounds ten per was a source of continual trouble to me i watched him as he grew and he grew like scarlet beans with painful apprehensions of the time when he would begin to even of the days when he would be bald or grey i saw no prospect of ever getting rid of him and projecting myself into the future used to think what an inconvenience he would be when he was an old man i never expected anything less than this unfortunate s manner of getting me out of my difficulty he stole s watch which like everything else belonging to us had no particular place of its own and it into money spent the produce he was always a weak minded boy in incessantly riding up and down between london and outside the coach he was taken to bow street as well as i remember on the completion of his journey when four and sixpence and a second hand which he couldn t play were found upon his person the surprise and its consequences would have been much less disagreeable to me if he had not been penitent but he was very penitent indeed and in a peculiar way not in the lump but by for example the day after that on which i was obliged to appear against him he made certain revelations touching a m the cellar which we believed to be full of wine but which had nothing in it except bottles and we supposed he had now his mind and told the worst he knew of the cook but a day or two afterwards his conscience sustained a new and he disclosed how she had a little girl who early every morning took away our bread and also how he himself had been to maintain the in coals in two or three days more i was informed by the authorities of his having led to the discovery of of beef among the kitchen stuff and sheets in the rag bag a little while afterwards he broke out in an entirely new direction and confessed to a knowledge of intentions as to our premises on the part of the pot boy who was immediately taken up i got to be so of being such a victim that i would have given him any money to hold his tongue or would have offered a round bribe for his being permitted to run away it was an circumstance in the case that he had no idea of this but conceived that he was making me amends in every new discovery not to say obligations on my head at last i ran away myself whenever i saw an of the approaching with some new intelligence and lived a stealthy life until he was tried and ordered to be transported even then he couldn t be quiet but was always writing us letters and wanted so much to see before he went away that went to visit him and fainted when she found herself inside the iron bars in short i had no peace of my life until he was and made as i afterwards heard a shepherd of up the country somewhere i have no idea where all this led me into some serious reflections and presented our mistakes op david in a new aspect as i could not help communicating to one evening in spite of my tenderness for her my love said i it is very painful to me to think that our want of system and management not only ourselves which we have got used to but other people tou have been silent for a long time and now you are going to be cross said no my dear indeed let me explain to you what i mean i think i don t want to know said but i want you to know my love put down put his nose to mine and said to drive my seriousness away but not succeeding ordered him into his and sat looking at
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me with her hands folded and a most resigned little expression of countenance the fact is my dear i began there is in us we about us i might have gone on in this manner if s face had not me that she was wondering with all her might whether i was going to propose any new kind of or other medical remedy for this state of ours therefore i checked myself and made my meaning it is not merely my pet said i that we lose money and comfort and even temper sometimes by not learning to be more careful but that we the serious responsibility of who comes into our service or has any dealings with us i begin to be afraid that the fault is not entirely on one side but that these people all turn out ill because we don t turn out very well ourselves oh what an accusation exclaimed opening her eyes wide to say that you ever saw me take gold watches oh my dearest i remonstrated don t talk preposterous nonsense who has made the least allusion to gold watches tou did returned you know you did you said i hadn t turned out well and compared me to him to whom i asked to the page sobbed oh you cruel fellow to compare your affectionate wife to a transported page why didn t you tell me your opinion of me before we were married why didn t you say you thing that you were convinced i was worse than a transported page oh what a dreadful opinion to have of me oh my goodness now my love i returned gently trying to remove the handkerchief she pressed to her eyes this is not only very ridiculous of you but very wrong in the first place it s not true you always said he was a story sobbed and now you say the same of me oh what shall i do what shall i do my darling girl i retorted i really must entreat you to be reasonable and listen to what i did say and do say my dear unless we learn to do our duty to those whom we employ they will never learn to do their duty to us i am afraid we present opportunities to people to do wrong that never ought to be presented even if we were as as we are in all our by choice which we are not even if we liked it the personal history and experience and found it agreeable to be so which we don t i am persuaded we should have no right to go on in this way we are positively people we are bound to think of that i can t help thinking of it it is a reflection i am unable to dismiss and it sometimes makes me very uneasy there dear that s all come now don t be foolish would not allow me for a long time to remove the handkerchief she sat sobbing and murmuring behind it that if i was uneasy why had i ever been married why hadn t i said even the day before we went to church that i knew i should be uneasy and i would rather not if i couldn t bear her why didn t i send her away to her at or to mills in india would be glad to see her and would not call her a transported page never had called her anything of the sort in short was so afflicted and so afflicted me by being in that condition that i felt it was of no use repeating this kind of effort though never so mildly and i must take some other course what other course was left to take to form her mind this was a common phrase of words which had a fair and promising sound and i resolved to form s mind i began immediately when was very childish and i would have infinitely preferred to humour her i tried to be grave and disconcerted her and myself too i talked to her on the subjects which occupied my thoughts and i read shakespeare to her and fatigued her to the last degree i accustomed myself to giving her as it were quite casually little scraps of useful information or sound opinion and she started from them when i let them off as if they had been no matter how incidentally or naturally i endeavoured to form my wife s mind i could not help seeing that she always had an instinctive perception of what i was about and became a prey to the keenest apprehensions in particular it was clear to me that she thought shakespeare a terrible fellow the formation went on very slowly i pressed into the service without his knowledge and whenever he came to see us exploded my mines upon him for the of at second hand the amount of practical wisdom i bestowed upon in this manner was immense and of the best quality but it had no other effect upon than to her spirits and make her always nervous with the dread that it would be her turn next i found myself in the condition of a a trap a of always playing spider to s fly and always out of my hole to her infinite disturbance still looking forward through this stage to the time when there should be a perfect sympathy between and me and when i should have formed her mind to my entire satisfaction i even for months finding at last however that although i had been all this time a very or all over with determination i had effected nothing it began to occur to me that perhaps s mind was already formed on farther consideration this appeared so likely that i abandoned my scheme which had had a more promising
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appearance in words than in action henceforth to be satisfied with my child wife and to try to change her into nothing else by any process i was heartily tired of david of sagacious and prudent by myself and of seeing my darling under restraint so i bought a pretty pair of ear rings for her and a collar for tip and went home one day to make myself agreeable was delighted with the little presents and kissed me joyfully but there was a shadow between us however slight and i had made up my mind that it should not be there if there must be such a shadow anywhere i would keep it for the future in my own breast i sat down by my wife on the sofa and put the ear rings in her ears and then i told her that i feared we had not been quite as good company lately as we used to be and that the fault was mine which i sincerely felt and which indeed it was the truth is my life said i have been trying to be wise and to make me wise too said timidly haven t you i nodded assent to the pretty inquiry of the raised eyebrows and kissed the parted lips it s of not a bit of use said shaking her head until the rang again you know what a little thing i am and what i wanted you to call me from the first if you can t do so i am afraid you never like me are you sure you don t think sometimes it would have been better to have done what my dear for she made no effort to proceed nothing said nothing i repeated she put her arms round my neck and laughed and called herself by her favorite name of a goose and hid her face on my shoulder in such a profusion of cm is that it was quite a task to clear them away and see it don t i think it would have been better to have done nothing than to have tried to form my little wife s mind said i laughing at myself is that the question yes indeed i do is that what you have been trying cried oh what a shocking boy but i shall never try any more said i for i love her dearly as she is without a story really inquired creeping closer to me why should i seek to change said i what has been so precious to me for so long you never can show better than as your own natural self my sweet and we try no conceited experiments but go back to our old way and be happy and be happy returned yes all day and you won t mind things going a tiny morsel wrong sometimes no no said i we must do the best we can and you won t tell me any more that we make other people bad will you because you know it s so dreadfully cross no no said i it s better for me to be stupid than uncomfortable isn t it said better to be naturally than anything else in the world in the world ah it s a large place she shook her head turned her delighted bright eyes up to mine kissed the personal history and experience me broke into a merry laugh and sprang away to put on s new collar so ended my last attempt to make any change in i had been unhappy in trying it i could not endure my own solitary wisdom i could not reconcile it with her former appeal to me as my child wife i resolved to do what i could in a quiet way to improve our proceedings myself but i foresaw that my utmost would be very little or i must into the spider again and be for ever lying in wait and the shadow i have mentioned that was not to be between us any more but was to rest wholly on my own heart how did that fall the old unhappy feeling pervaded my it was deepened if it were changed at all but it was as as ever and addressed me like a strain of sorrowful music faintly heard in the night i loved my wife dearly and i was happy but the happiness i had vaguely anticipated once was not the happiness i enjoyed and there was always something wanting in fulfilment of the compact i have made with myself to reflect my mind on this paper i again examine it closely and bring its secrets to the what i missed i still regarded i always regarded as something that had been a dream of my youthful fancy that was incapable of that i was now discovering to be so with some natural pain as all men did but that it would have been better for me if my wife could have helped me more and shared the many thoughts in which i had no partner and that this might have been i knew between these two conclusions the one that what i felt was general and the other that it was particular to me and might have been different i balanced curiously with no distinct sense of their opposition to each other when i thought of the airy dreams of youth that are incapable of i thought of the better state preceding manhood that i had and then the contented days with in the dear old house arose before me like of the dead that might have some renewal in another world but never never more could be here sometimes the speculation came into my thoughts what might have happened or what would have happened if and i had never known each other but she was so with my existence that it was the of all
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fancies and would soon rise out of my reach and sight like floating in the air i always loved her what i am describing and half awoke and slept again in the recesses of my mind there was no evidence of it in me i know of no influence it had in anything i said or did i bore the weight of all our little cares and all my projects held the pens and we both felt that our shares were adjusted as the case required she was truly fond of me and proud of me and when wrote a few earnest words in her letters to of the pride and interest with which my old friends heard of my growing reputation and read my book as if they heard me speaking its contents read them out to me with tears of joy in her bright eyes and said i was a dear old clever famous boy the first mistaken impulse of an heart those words of david of mrs strong s were constantly to me at this time were almost always present to my mind i awoke with them often in the night i remember to have even read them in dreams inscribed upon the walls of houses for i knew now that my own heart was when it first loved and that if it had been it never could have felt when we were married what it had felt in its secret experience there can be no in marriage like of mind and purpose those words i remembered too i had endeavoured to to myself and found it it remained for me to myself to to share with her what i could and be happy to bear on my own shoulders what i must and be happy still this was the discipline to which i tried to bring my heart when i began to think it made my second year much happier than my first and what was better still made s life all sunshine but as that year wore on was not strong i had hoped that lighter hands than mine would help to mould her character and that a baby smile upon her breast might change my child wife to a woman it was not to be the spirit fluttered for a moment on the threshold of its little prison and unconscious of took wing when i can run about again as i used to do aunt said i shall make race he is getting quite slow and lazy i suspect my dear said my aunt quietly working by her side he has a worse disorder than that age do you think he is old said astonished oh how strange it seems that should be old it s a complaint we are all liable to little one as we get on in life said my aunt cheerfully i don t feel more free from it than i used to be i assure you but said looking at him with compassion even little oh poor fellow i dare say he last a long time yet blossom said my aunt patting on the cheek as she leaned out of her couch to look at who responded by standing on his hind legs and himself in various attempts to scramble up by the head and shoulders he must have a piece of flannel in his house this winter and i shouldn t wonder if he came out quite fresh again with the flowers in the spring bless the little dog exclaimed my aunt if he had as many lives as a cat and was on the point of losing em all he d bark at me with his last breath i believe had helped him up on the sofa where he really was my aunt to such a furious extent that he couldn t keep straight but himself sideways the more my aunt looked at him the more he reproached her for she had lately taken to spectacles and for some inscrutable reason he considered the glasses personal made him lie down by her with a good deal of persuasion and when he was quiet drew one of his long ears through and through her hand repeating thoughtfully even little oh poor fellow his lungs are good enough said my aunt gaily and his are not at all feeble he has a good many years before him no doubt the personal history and experience but if you want a dog to race with little blossom he has lived too well for that and give you one thank you aunt said faintly but don t please no said my aunt taking off her spectacles i could nt have any other dog but said it would be so unkind to besides i couldn t be such friends with any other dog but because he wouldn t have known me before i was married and wouldn t have at when he first came to our house i couldn t care for any other dog but i am afraid aunt to be sure said my aunt patting her cheek again you are right you are not offended said are you why what a sensitive pet it is cried my aunt bending over her affectionately to think that i could be offended no no i didn t really think so returned but i am a little tired and it made me silly for a moment i am always a silly little thing you know but it made me more silly to talk about he has known me in all that has happened to me haven t you and i couldn t bear to slight him because he was a little altered could t j p closer to his mistress and lazily licked her hand yon are not so old are you that you ll leave your mistress yet said we may keep one another company a little longer my pretty when
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she came down to dinner on the sunday and was so glad to see old who always dined with us on sunday we thought she would be running about as she used to do in a few days but they said wait a few days more and then wait a few days more and still she neither ran nor walked she looked very pretty and was very merry but the little feet that used to be so when they danced round were dull and motionless i began to carry her down stairs every morning and upstairs every night she would clasp me round the neck and laugh the while as if i did it for a would bark and round us and go on before and look back on the landing breathing short to see that we were coming my aunt the best and most cheerful of nurses would after us a moving mass of and pillows mr dick would not have his post of candle bearer to any one alive would be often at the bottom of the staircase looking on and taking charge of messages from to the dearest girl in the world we made quite a gay procession of it and my child wife was the there but sometimes when i took her up and felt that she was lighter in mv arms a dead blank feeling came upon me as if i were approaching to some frozen region yet unseen that my life i avoided the recognition of this feeling by any name or by any with myself until one night when it was very strong upon me and my aunt had left her with a parting cry of good night little blossom i sat down at my desk alone and cried to think what a fatal name it was and how the blossom withered in its bloom upon the tree of david chapter i am involved in mystery i received one morning by the post the following letter dated bury and addressed to me at doctors which i read with some surprise my dear sir circumstances beyond my individual control have for a considerable lapse of time effected a of that intimacy which in the limited opportunities to me in the midst of my professional duties of contemplating the scenes and events of the past tinged by the hues of memory has ever afforded me as it ever must continue to afford gratifying emotions of no common description this fact my dear sir combined with the distinguished elevation to which your talents have raised you me from to to the liberty of addressing the companion of my youth by the familiar of it is sufficient to know that the name to which i do myself the honor to refer will ever be among the of our house i allude to the connected with our former preserved by mrs with sentiments of personal esteem to affection it is not for one situated through his original errors and a combination of events as is the bark if he may be allowed to assume so a who now takes up the pen to address you it is not i repeat for one so to adopt the language of compliment or of that he leaves to and to purer hands if your more important should admit of your ever tracing these imperfect characters thus far which may be or may not be as circumstances arise you will naturally inquire by what object am i influenced then in the present allow me to say that i fully to the reasonable character of that inquiry and proceed to it that it is not an object of a pecuniary nature without more directly referring to any latent ability that may possibly exist on my part of the or directing the devouring and flame in any quarter i may be permitted to observe in passing that my brightest visions are for ever that my peace is shattered and my power of enjoyment destroyed that my heart is no longer in the right place and that i no more walk erect before my fellow man the is in the flower the cup is bitter to the brim the worm is at his work and will soon dispose of his victim the sooner the better but i will not placed in a mental position of peculiar beyond the reach even of mrs s influence though exercised in the character of woman wife and mother it is my intention to k r the personal history and experience fly from myself for a short period and devote a of eight and forty hours to some scenes of past enjoyment among other of domestic tranquillity and peace of mind my feet will naturally tend towards the king s bench prison in stating that i shall be j v on the outside of the south wall of that place of on civil process the day after to morrow at seven in the evening precisely my object in this communication is accomplished i do not feel in my former friend mr or my former friend mr thomas of the inner temple if that gentleman is still and to condescend to meet me and renew so far as may be our past relations of the time confine myself to throwing out the observation that at the hour and place i have indicated may be found such ruined as yet of a fallen tower p s it may be advisable to to the above the statement that mrs is not in confidential possession of my intentions i read the letter over several times making due allowance for mr s lofty style of composition and for the extraordinary relish with which he sat down and wrote long letters on all possible and impossible occasions i still believed that something important lay hidden at the bottom of this communication i put it down to think about it and
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took it up again to read it once more and was still pursuing it when found me in the height of my perplexity my dear fellow said i i never was better pleased to see you you come to give me the benefit of your sober judgment at a most time i have received a very singular letter from mr no cried you don t say so and i have received one from mrs with that who was flushed with walking and whose hair under the combined effects of exercise and excitement stood on end as if he saw a cheerful ghost produced his letter and made an exchange with me i watched him into the heart of mr s letter and returned the elevation of eyebrows with which he said the or directing the devouring and flame bless me and then entered on the perusal of mrs s it ran thus my best regards to mr thomas and if he should still remember one who formerly had the happiness of being well acquainted with him may i beg a few moments of his leisure time i assure mr t t that i would not intrude upon his kindness were i in any other position than on the of distraction of david though to myself to mention the of mr formerly so from his wife and family is the cause of my addressing my unhappy appeal to mr and his best indulgence mr t can form no adequate idea of the change in mr s conduct of his of his violence it has gradually until it the appearance of of intellect scarcely a day passes i assure mr on which some does not take place mr t will not require me to my feelings when i inform him that i have become accustomed to hear mr assert that he has sold himself to the d mystery and have long been his principal characteristic have long replaced unlimited confidence the slightest provocation even being asked if there is anything he would prefer for dinner causes him to express a wish for a separation last night on being for to buy a local he presented an knife at the i entreat mr to bear with me in entering into these details without them mr t would indeed find it difficult to form the faintest conception of my heart situation may i now venture to confide to mr t the purport of my letter will he now allow me to throw myself on his friendly consideration oh yes for i know his heart the quick eye of affection is not easily blinded when of the female sex mr is going to london though he concealed his hand this morning before breakfast in writing the direction card which he attached to the little brown of happier days the of matrimonial anxiety detected d o n distinctly traced the west end destination of the coach is the golden cross dare i fervently mr t to see my husband and to reason with him dare i ask mr t to endeavour to step in between mr and his family oh no for that would be too much if mr should yet remember one unknown to fame will mr t take charge of my regards and similar entreaties in any case he will have the benevolence to consider this communication strictly private and on no account whatever to be alluded to however in the presence of mr if mr t should ever reply to it which i cannot but feel to be most improbable a letter addressed to m e post office will be with less painful consequences than any addressed immediately to one who herself in extreme distress mr thomas s respectful friend and what do you think of that letter said casting his eyes upon me when i had read it twice what do you think of the other said i he was still reading it with brows i think that the two together replied mean more than mr and mrs usually mean in their correspondence but i don t know what they are both written in good faith i have no doubt and without any poor thing he was now alluding e k the personal history and experience to mrs s letter and we were standing side by side comparing the two it will be a charity to write to her at all events and tell her that we will not fail to see mr i to this the more readily because i now reproached myself with having treated her former letter rather lightly it had set me thinking a good deal at the time as i have mentioned in its place but my in my own affairs my experience of the family and my hearing nothing more had gradually ended in my the subject i had often thought of the but chiefly to wonder what pecuniary they were establishing in and to recall how shy mr was of me when he became clerk to however i now wrote a comforting letter to mrs in our joint names and we both signed it as we walked into town to post it and i held a long conference and launched into a number of speculations which i need not repeat we took my aunt into our counsels in the afternoon but our only decided conclusion was that we would be very punctual in keeping mr s appointment although we appeared at the place a quarter of an hour before the time we found mr already there he was standing with his arms folded over against the wall looking at the on the top with a sentimental expression as if they were the boughs of trees that had shaded him in his youth when we him his manner was something more confused ami something less genteel than of he had his legal suit of black for the purposes of this excursion and
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to us mr said gentlemen returned mr do with me as you will i am a straw upon the surface of the deep and am tossed in all directions by the i beg your pardon i should have said the elements we walked on arm in arm again found the coach in the act of starting and arrived at without any difficulties by the way i was very uneasy and very uncertain in my mind what to say or do for the best so was evidently mr was for the most part plunged into deep gloom he occasionally made an attempt to himself and hum the end of a tune but his into profound melancholy were only made the more impressive by the mockery of a hat exceedingly on one side and a shirt collar pulled up to his eyes we went to my aunt s house rather than to mine because of s not being well my aunt presented herself on being sent for and welcomed mr with gracious cordiality mr kissed her hand retired to the window and pulling out his pocket handkerchief had a mental with himself mr dick was at home he was by nature so exceedingly compassionate of anyone who seemed to be ill at ease and was so quick to find any such person out that he shook hands with mr at least dozen times in five minutes to mr in ms trouble this warmth on the part of a stranger was so extremely touching that he could only say on the occasion of each successive shake my dear sir you me which gratified mr dick so much that he went at it again with greater vigor than before the friendliness of this gentleman said mr to my aunt if you will allow me ma am to a figure of speech from the of our national sports floors me to a man who is struggling with a complicated burden of perplexity and such a reception is trying i assure you my friend mr dick replied my aunt proudly is not a common man of david that i am convinced of said mr my dear sir for mr dick was shaking hands with him again i am deeply sensible of your cordiality how do you find yourself said mr dick with an anxious look indifferent my dear sir returned mr sighing you must keep up your spirits said mr dick and make yourself as comfortable as possible mr was quite overcome by these friendly words and by finding mr dick s hand again within his own it has been my lot he observed to meet in the of human existence with an occasional but never with one so green so as the present at another time i should have been amused by this but i felt that we were all constrained and uneasy and i watched mr so anxiously in his between an evident disposition to reveal something and a counter disposition to reveal nothing that i was in a perfect fever sitting on the edge of his chair with his eyes wide open and his hair more emphatically erect than ever stared by turns at the ground and at mr without so much as attempting to put in a word my aunt though i saw that her observation was concentrated on her new guest had more useful possession of her wits than either of us for she held him in conversation and made it necessary for him to talk whether he liked it or not you are a very old friend of my nephew s mr said my aunt i wish i had had the pleasure of seeing you before madam returned mr i wish i had had the honor of knowing you at an earlier period i was not always the wreck you at present behold i hope mrs and your family are well sir said my aunt mr inclined his head they are as well ma am lie desperately observed after a pause as and can ever hope to be lord bless you sir exclaimed my aunt in her abrupt way what are you talking about the of my family ma am returned mr in the balance my employer here mr left off and began to the that had been under my directions set before him together with all the other he used in making punch your employer you know said mr dick his arm as a gentle my good sir returned mr you recall me i am obliged to you they shook hands again my employer ma am mr once did me the favor to observe to me that if i were not in the receipt of the to my engagement with him i should probably be a about the country a sword blade and eating the devouring element for anything that i can perceive to the contrary it is still probable that my children may be reduced to seek a by personal while mrs their unnatural by playing the barrel organ mr with a random but expressive of his knife the personal history and experience signified that these performances might be expected to take place after he was no more then resumed his with a desperate air my aunt leaned her elbow on the little round table that she usually kept beside her and eyed him attentively notwithstanding the aversion with which i regarded the idea of him into any disclosure he was not prepared to make voluntarily i should have taken him up at this point but for the strange proceedings in which i saw him engaged whereof his putting the into the kettle the sugar into the the spirit into the empty and confidently attempting to pour boiling water out of a were among the most remarkable i saw that a crisis was at hand and it came he all his means and implements together rose from his chair pulled out his pocket
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handkerchief and burst into tears my dear said mr behind his handkerchief this is an occupation of all others requiring an mind and self respect i cannot perform it it is out of the question mr said i what is the matter pray speak out you are among friends among friends sir repeated mr and all he had reserved came breaking out of him good heavens it is principally because i am among friends that my state of mind is what it is what is the matter gentlemen what is not the matter is the matter is the matter deception fraud conspiracy are the matter and the name of the whole mass is my aunt clapped her hands and we all started up as if we were possessed the struggle is over said mr violently with his pocket handkerchief and fairly striking out from time to time with both arms as if he were swimming under difficulties i will lead this life no longer i am a wretched being cut off from everything that makes life tolerable i have been under a in that infernal scoundrel s service give me back my wife give me back my family substitute for the petty wretch who walks about in the boot at present on my feet and call upon me to swallow a sword to morrow and i do it with an appetite i never saw a man so hot in my life i tried to calm him that we might come to something rational but he got and and wouldn t hear a word i put my hand in no man s hand said mr gasping puffing and sobbing to that degree that he was like a man fighting with cold water until i have blown to fragments the a detestable serpent i partake of no one s hospitality until i have a moved mount to on a the abandoned rascal a underneath this roof particularly punch would a me unless i had previously the eyes out of the a of interminable cheat and liar i a i know nobody and a say nothing and a five nowhere until i have crushed to a the and immortal and i really had some fear of mr s dying on the spot the of david manner in which he struggled through these inarticulate sentences and whenever he found himself getting near the name of fought his way on to it dashed at it in a fainting state and brought it out with a vehemence little less than marvellous was frightful but now when he sank into a chair steaming and looked at us with every possible color in his face that had no business there and an endless procession of following one another in hot haste up his throat whence they seemed to shoot into his forehead he had the appearance of being in the last extremity i would have gone to his assistance but he me off and wouldn t hear a word no no communication a until miss a from wrongs inflicted by scoundrel i am quite convinced he could not have uttered three words but for the amazing energy with which this word inspired him when he felt it coming secret a from the whole world a no exceptions this day week a at breakfast time a everybody present including aunt a and extremely friendly gentleman to be at the hotel at a where mrs and myself in chorus and a will expose intolerable no more to say a or listen to persuasion go immediately not capable a bear society upon the track of devoted and doomed traitor with this last repetition of the magic word that had kept him going at all and in which he surpassed all his previous efforts mr rushed out of the house leaving us in a state of excitement hope and wonder that reduced us to a condition little better than his own but even then his passion for writing letters was too strong to be resisted for while we were yet in the height of our excitement hope and wonder the following pastoral note was brought to me from a neighbouring tavern at which he had called to write it most secret and confidential my dear i beg to be allowed to convey through you my apologies to your excellent aunt for my late excitement an explosion of a long suppressed was the result of an internal contest more easily conceived than described i trust i rendered tolerably intelligible my appointment for the morning of this day week at the house of public entertainment at where mrs and myself had once the honor of our voices to yours in the well known strain of the immortal beyond the the duty done and act of performed which can alone enable me to contemplate my fellow mortal i shall be known no more i shall simply require to be deposited in that place of universal resort where each in his narrow cell for ever laid the rude forefathers of the hamlet sleep with the plain inscription the personal history and experience chapter l mr s dream comes true by this time some months had passed since our interview on the bank of the river with i had never seen her since but she had communicated with mr on several occasions nothing had come of her zealous nor could i infer from what he told me that any clue had ever been obtained for a
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moment to s fate i confess that i began to despair of her recovery and gradually to sink deeper and deeper into the belief that she was dead his conviction remained unchanged so far as i know and i believe his honest heart was transparent to me he never wavered again in his solemn certainty of finding her his patience never tired and although i trembled for the agony it might one day be to him to have his strong assurance shivered at a blow there was something so religious in it so expressive of its anchor being in the purest depths of his fine nature that the respect and honor in which i held him were exalted every day his was not a lazy that hoped and did no more he had been a man of sturdy action all his and he knew that in all things wherein he wanted help he must do his own part faithfully and help himself i have known him set out in the night on a that the light might not be by some accident in the window of the old boat and walk to i have known him on reading something in the newspaper that might apply to her take up his stick and go forth on a journey of three or four score miles he made his way by sea to and back after hearing the narrative to which miss had assisted me all his journeys were performed for he was always steadfast in a purpose of saving money for s sake when she should be found in all this long pursuit i never heard him i never heard him say he was fatigued or out of heart had often seen him since our marriage and was quite fond of him i fancy his figure before me now standing near her sofa with his rough cap in his hand and the blue eyes of my child wife raised with a timid wonder to his face sometimes of an evening about twilight when he came to talk with me i would induce him to smoke his pipe in the garden as we slowly paced to and fro together and then the picture of his deserted home and the comfortable air it used to have in my childish eyes of an evening when the fire was burning and the wind moaning round it came most vividly into my mind one evening at this hour he told me that he had found waiting near his lodging on the preceding night when he came out and that she had asked him not to leave london on any account until he should have seen her again did she tell you why i inquired of david i asked her r he replied but it is but few words as she ever says and she on y got my promise and so went away did she say when you might expect to see her again i demanded no r he returned drawing his hand thoughtfully down his face i asked that too but it was more she said than she could tell as i had long to encourage him with hopes that hung on threads i made no other comment on this information than that i supposed he would see her soon such speculations as it within me i kept to myself and those were faint enough i was walking alone in the garden one evening about a fortnight afterwards i remember that evening well it was the second in mr s week of suspense there had been rain all day and there was a damp feeling in the air the leaves were thick upon the trees and heavy with wet but the rain had ceased though the sky was still dark and the hopeful birds were singing cheerfully as i walked to and fro in the garden and the twilight began to close around me their little voices were hushed and that peculiar silence which belongs to such an evening in the country when the trees are quite still save for the occasional from then boughs prevailed there was a uttle green perspective of work and ivy at the side of our cottage through which i could see from the garden where i was walking into the road before the house i happened to turn my eyes towards this place as i was thinking of many things and i saw a figure beyond dressed in a plain cloak it was bending eagerly towards me and said i going to it can you come with me she inquired in an agitated whisper i have been to him and he is not at home i wrote down where he was to come and left it on his table with my own hand they said he would not be out long i have tidings for him can you come directly my answer was to pass out at the gate immediately she made a hasty gesture with her hand as if to entreat my patience and my silence and turned towards london whence as her dress she had come on foot i asked her if that were not our destination on her yes with the same hasty gesture as before i stopped an empty coach that was coming by and we got into it when i asked her where the coachman was to drive she answered anywhere near golden square and quick then shrunk into a corner with one trembling hand before her face and the other making the former gesture as if she could not bear a voice now much disturbed and dazzled with conflicting of hope and dread i looked at her for some explanation but seeing how strongly she desired to remain quiet and feeling that it was my own natural inclination too at such a time i did not attempt to break the silence we proceeded without a word being spoken sometimes she glanced
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out of the window as though she thought we were going slowly though indeed we were going fast but otherwise remained exactly as at first we alighted at one of the to the square she had mentioned where i directed the coach to wait not knowing but that we might have the personal history and experience some occasion for it she laid her hand on my arm and hurried me on to one of the sombre streets of which there are several in that part where the houses were once fair dwellings in the occupation of single families but have and had long into poor lodgings let off in rooms entering at the open door of one of these and my arm she beckoned me to follow her up the common staircase which was like a channel to the street the house with inmates as we went up doors of rooms were opened and people s heads put out and we passed other people on the stairs who were coming down in glancing up from the outside before we entered i had seen women and children at the windows over flower pots and we seemed to have attracted their curiosity for these were principally the who looked out of their doors it was a broad staircase with massive of some dark wood above the doors ornamented with carved fruit and flowers and broad seats in the windows but all these tokens of past grandeur were miserably decayed and dirty rot damp and age had weakened the which in many places was and even some attempts had been made i noticed to new blood into this frame by the costly old wood work here and there with common deal but it was like the marriage of a reduced old noble to a and each party to the ill union shrunk away from the other several of the back windows on the staircase had been darkened or wholly blocked up in those that remained there was scarcely any glass and through the crumbling frames by which the bad air seemed always to come in and never to go out i saw through other windows into other houses in a similar condition and looked down into a wretched yard which was the common dust heap of the mansion we proceeded to the top story of the house two or three times by the way i thought i observed in the indistinct light the skirts of a female figure going up before us as we turned to ascend the last flight of stairs between us and the roof we caught a full view of this figure pausing for a moment at a door then it turned the handle and went in what s this said in a whisper she has gone into my room i don t know her knew her i had recognised her with amazement for miss i said something to the effect that it was a lady whom i had seen before in a few words to my and had scarcely done so when we heard her voice in the room though not from where we stood what she was saying with an astonished look repeated her former action and softly led me up the stairs and then by a little back door which seemed to have no lock and which she pushed open with a touch into a small empty garret with a low sloping roof little better than a cupboard between this and the room she had called hers there was a small door of communication standing partly open here we stopped breathless with our ascent and she placed her hand lightly on my lips i could only see of the room beyond that it was pretty large that there was a bed in it and that there were some common pictures of ships upon the walls i could not see miss or the person whom we had heard her address certainly my companion could not for my position was the best of david a dead silence prevailed for some moments kept one hand on my lips and raised the other in a listening attitude it matters little to me her not being at home said i know nothing of her it is you i come to see me replied a soft voice at the sound of it a thrill went through my frame for it was s yes returned miss i have come to look at you what you are not ashamed of the face that has done so much the resolute and hatred of her tone its cold stern and its mastered rage presented her before me as if i had seen her standing in the light i saw the flashing black eyes and the figure and i saw the with its white track cutting through her lips quivering and throbbing as she spoke i have come to see she said james s fancy the girl who ran away with him and is the town talk of the commonest people of her native place the bold practised companion of persons like james i want to know what such a thing is like there was a rustle as if the unhappy girl on whom she heaped these ran towards the door and the speaker swiftly interposed herself before it it was succeeded by a moment s pause when miss spoke again it was through her set teeth and with a stamp upon the ground stay there she said or i proclaim you to the house and the whole street if you try to me i stop you if it s by the hair and raise the very stones against you a frightened murmur was the only reply that reached my ears a silence succeeded i did not know what to do much as i desired to put an end to the interview i felt that i had no right to present myself that it was for mr alone
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i thought i had never seen such a sight and never could see such another you love him you she cried with her clenched hand quivering as if it only wanted a weapon to the object of her wrath had shrunk out of my view there was no reply and tell that to me she added with your shameful lips why don t they whip these creatures if i could order it to be done i would have this girl whipped to death and so she would i have no doubt i would not have trusted her with the rack itself while that furious look lasted she slowly very slowly broke into a laugh and pointed at with her hand as if she were a sight of shame for gods and men she love she said that and he ever cared for her she d tell me ha ha the that these are her mockery was worse than her rage of the two i would have much preferred to be the object of the latter but when she suffered it to break loose it was only for a moment she had chained it up again and however it might tear her within she subdued it to herself i came here you pure fountain of love she said to see as i began by telling you what such a thing as you was like i was curious i am satisfied also to tell you that you had best seek that home of yours with all speed and hide your head among those excellent people who are expecting you and whom your money will console when it s all gone you can believe and trust and love again you know i thought you a broken toy that had lasted its time a worthless that was and thrown away but finding you true gold a very lady and an ill used innocent with a fresh heart full of love and which you look like and is quite consistent with your story i have something more to say attend to it for what i say i do do you hear me you fairy spirit what i say i mean to do her rage got the better of her again for a moment but it passed over her face like a and left her smiling hide yourself she pursued if not at home somewhere let it be somewhere beyond reach in some obscure life or better still in some obscure death i wonder if your loving heart will not break you have found no way of helping it to be still i have heard of such means sometimes i believe they may be easily found a low crying on the part of interrupted her here she stopped aiid listened to it as if it were music the history and experience i am of a strange nature perhaps went on but i can t breathe freely in the air you breathe i find it sickly therefore i will have it cleared i will have it of you if you live here to morrow i have your story and your character proclaimed on the common stair there are decent women in the house i am told and it is a pity such a light as you should be among them and concealed if leaving here you seek any refuge in this town in any character but your true one which you are welcome to bear without from me the same service shall be done you if i hear of your retreat being assisted by a gentleman who not long ago to the favor of your hand i am sanguine as to that would he never never come how long was i to bear this how long could i bear it oh me oh me exclaimed the wretched in a tone that might have touched the hardest heart i should have thought but there was no in s smile what what shall i do do returned the other live happy in your own reflections your existence to the recollection of james s tenderness he would have made you his serving man s wife would he not or to feeling grateful to the upright and deserving creature who would have taken you as his gift or if those proud and the consciousness of your own virtues and the honorable position to which they have raised you in the eyes of everything that wears the human shape will not sustain you marry that good man and be happy in his condescension if this will not do either die there are and for such deaths and such despair find one and take your flight to heaven i heard a distant foot upon the stairs i knew it i was certain it was his thank god she moved slowly from before the door when she said this and passed out of my sight but mark she added slowly and sternly opening the other door to go away i am resolved for reasons that i have and that i entertain to cast you out unless you withdraw from my reach altogether or drop your pretty mask this is what i had to say and what i say i mean to do the foot upon the stairs came nearer nearer passed her as she went down rushed into the room uncle a fearful cry followed the word i paused a moment and looking in saw him supporting her insensible figure in his arms he gazed for a few seconds in the face then stooped to kiss it oh how tenderly and drew a handkerchief before it r he said in a low tremulous voice when it was covered i thank my father as my dream s come true i thank him hearty for having guided of me in his own ways to my darling with those words he took her
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to heaven that be a ness to her and a comfort and a honor all her life may it love her and be to her in her old age of her at the last a angel to her and amen said my aunt she had been and down said mr and had sat at first a little way off at her spinning or such work as it was when em ly talked to the children but em ly had took notice of her and had gone and spoke to her the young woman was partial to herself they had soon made friends that when em ly went that way she always em ly flowers this was her as now asked what it was that had gone so much amiss em ly told her and she took her home she did indeed she took her home said mr covering his face of david he was more affected by this act of kindness than i had ever seen him affected by anything since the night she went away my aunt and i did not attempt to disturb him it was a little cottage you may suppose he said presently but she found space for em ly in it her husband was away at sea and she it secret and prevailed upon such neighbours as she had they was not many near to keep it secret too em ly was took bad with fever and what is very strange to me is maybe tis not so strange to scholars the language of that country went out of her head and she could only speak her own that no one she as if she had dreamed it that she lay there always a talking her own tongue always believing as the old boat was round the next pint in the bay and begging and imploring of em to send and tell how she was dying and bring back a message of forgiveness if it was on y a a most the whole time she now that him as i made mention on just now was lurking for her the now that him as had brought her to this was in the room and cried to the good young woman not to give her up and know d at the same time that she couldn t and dreaded that she must be took away likewise the fire was afore her eyes and the in her ears and there was no to day nor yesterday nor yet to morrow but everything in her life as ever had been or as ever could be and everything as never had been and as never could be was a crowding on her all at once and nothing clear nor welcome and yet she sang and laughed about it how long this lasted i t know but then there come a sleep and in that sleep from being a many times stronger than her own self she fell into the weakness of the child here he stopped as if for relief from the terrors of his own description after being silent for a few moments he pursued his story it was a pleasant when she awoke and so quiet that there warn t a sound but the rippling of that blue sea without a tide upon the shore it was her belief at first that she was at home upon a sunday morning but the vine leaves as she see at the and the beyond warn t home and contradicted of her then come in her friend to watch alongside of her bed and then she know d as the old boat warn t round that next pint in the bay no more but was fur off and know d where she was and why and broke out a crying on that good young woman s bosom i hope her baby is a lying now a cheering of her with its pretty eyes he could not speak of this good friend of s without a flow of tears it was in vain to try he broke down again endeavouring to bless her that done my em ly good he resumed after such emotion as i could not behold without sharing in and as to my aunt she wept with all her heart that done em ly good and she begun to mend but the language of that country was quite gone from her and she was forced to make signs so she went on getting better from day to day slow but sure and trying to learn the names of common things names as she seemed never to have in all her life till one evening come when she was a setting at her window looking at a little girl at play upon the beach and of a sudden this child held out her hand and said what would be in english s daughter here s a shell for you are to l l the personal history and experience stand that they used at first to call her pretty lady as the general way in that country is and that she had taught em to call her s daughter instead the child says of a sudden s daughter here s a shell then em ly her and she answers bursting out a crying and it all comes back when em ly got strong again said mr after another short interval of silence she cast about to leave that good young and get to her own country the husband was come home then and the two together put her aboard a small bound to and from that to france she had a little money but it was less than little as they would take for all they done i m a most glad on it though they was so poor what they done is laid up neither nor doth corrupt and
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thieves do not break through nor steal r it all the treasure in the em ly got to france and took service to wait on travelling ladies at a inn in the port come one day that snake let him never come nigh me i t know what hurt i might do him soon as she see him without him seeing her all her fear and returned upon her and she fled afore the very breath he draw d she come to england and was set ashore at i t know said mr for sure when her art begun to fail her but all the way to england she had to come to her dear home soon as she got to england she turned her face tow it but fear of not being fear of being at fear of some of us being dead along of her fear of many things turned her from it by force upon the road uncle uncle she says to me the fear of not being worthy to do what my torn and bleeding breast so longed to do was the most fright fear of all i turned back when my art was full of prayers that i might crawl to the old in the night kiss it lay my wicked face upon it and be found dead in the morning she come said mr dropping his voice to an awe stricken whisper to london she as had never seen it in her life alone without a penny young so pretty come to london a most the moment as she lighted all so desolate she found as she believed a friend a decent woman as spoke to her about the needle work as she had been brought up to do about finding plenty of it fur her about a lodging for the night and making secret concerning of me and all at home to morrow when my child he said aloud and with an energy of gratitude that shook him from head to foot stood upon the brink of more than i can say or think on to her promise saved her i could not repress a cry of joy r he said my hand in that strong hand of his it was you as first made mention of her to me i sir she was she had know d of her bitter knowledge to watch and what to do she had done it and the lord was above all she come white and hurried upon em ly in her sleep she says to her rise up from worse than death and come with me them belonging to the house would have stopped her but they might as soon have stopped the sea stand away from me she says ghost that calls her from beside her open grave she told em ly she had seen me and know d of david i loved her and her she wrapped her hasty in her clothes she took her faint and trembling on her arm she no more what they said than if she had had no ears she walked among em with my child only her and brought her safe out in the dead of the night from that black pit of ruin she attended on em ly said mr who had released my hand and put his own hand on his heaving chest she attended to my em ly lying wearied out and wandering till late next day then she went in search of me then in search of you r she didn t tell em ly what she come out fur lest her art should fail and she should think of hiding of herself how the cruel lady know d of her being i can t say whether him as i have spoke so much of chanced to see em going or whether which is most like to my thinking he had it from the woman i t greatly ask myself my niece is found all night long said mr we have been together em ly and me tis little considering the time as she has said in through them broken hearted tears tis less as i have seen of her dear face as grow d into a woman s at my hearth but all night long her arms has been about my neck and her head has laid and we knows full well as we can put our trust in one another ever more he ceased to speak and his hand upon the table rested there in perfect repose with a resolution in it that might have conquered lions it was a gleam of light upon me trot said my aunt drying her eyes when i formed the resolution of being to your sister who disappointed me but next to that hardly anything would have given me greater pleasure than to be to that good young creature s baby mr nodded his understanding of my aunt s feelings but could not trust himself with any verbal reference to the subject of her we all remained silent and occupied with our own reflections my aunt drying her eyes and now sobbing and now laughing and calling herself a fool until i spoke you have quite made up your mind said i to mr as to the future good friend i need scarcely ask you quite r he returned and told em ly s mighty countries fur from our future life lays over the sea they will together aunt said i yes said mr with a hopeful smile no one can t reproach my darling in we will begin a new life over i asked him if he yet proposed to himself any time for going away i was down at the early this morning sir he returned to get information concerning of them ships in about six weeks or two months from now there be
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said he only my limbs are rather out of sorts and i am wheeled about with the exception of my limbs and my breath ever i am as hearty as a man can be i m thankful to say i congratulated him on his contented looks and his good spirits and saw now that his easy chair went on wheels it s an ingenious thing ain t it he inquired following the direction of my glance and the elbow with his arm it runs as light as a feather and tracks as true as a mail coach bless you my little my grand daughter you know s child puts her little strength against the back gives it a and away we go as clever and merry as ever you see anything and i tell you what it s a most uncommon chair to smoke a pipe in i never saw such a good old fellow to make the best of a thing and find out the enjoyment of it as mr he was as radiant as if his chair his and the failure of his limbs were the various branches of a great invention for the luxury of a pipe i see more of the world i can assure you said mr in this chair than ever i see out of it you d be surprised at the number of people that looks in of a day to have a chat you really would there s twice as much in the newspaper since i ve taken to this chair as there used to be as to general reading dear me what a lot of it i do get through that s what i feel so strong you know if it had been my eyes what should i have done if it had been my ears what should i have done being my limbs what does it signify why my the personal history and experience limbs only made my breath shorter when i used em and now if i want to go out into the street or down to the sands i ve only got to call dick s youngest and away i go in my own carriage like the lord mayor of london he half himself with laughing here lord bless you said mr his pipe a man must take the fat with the lean that s what he must make up his mind to in this life does a fine business ex business i am very glad to hear it said i i knew you would be said mr and and are like what more can a man expect what s his limbs to that his supreme contempt for his own limbs as he sat smoking was one of the i have ever encountered and since i ve took to general reading you ve took to general writing eh sir said mr surveying me what a lovely work that was of yours what expressions in it i read it every word every word and as to feeling sleepy not at all i expressed my satisfaction but i must confess that i thought this association of ideas significant i give you my word and honor sir said mr that when i lay that book upon the table and look at it outside compact in three separate and one two three i am as proud as punch to think that i once had the honor of being connected with your family and dear me it s a long time ago now an t it over at with a pretty little party laid along with the other party and you quite a small party then yourself dear dear i changed the subject by referring to after assuring him that i did not forget how interested be had always been in her and how kindly he had always treated her i gave him a general account of her restoration to her uncle by the aid of which i knew would please the old man he listened with the utmost attention and said when i had done i am rejoiced at it sir it s the best news i have heard for many a day dear dear dear and what s going to be undertook for that unfortunate young woman now you touch a point that my thoughts have been dwelling on since yesterday said i but on which i can give you no information yet mr mr has not alluded to it and i have a delicacy in doing so i am sure he has not forgotten it he forgets nothing that is disinterested and good because you know said mr taking himself up where he had left off whatever is done i should wish to be a member of put me down for anything you may consider right and let me know i never could think the girl all bad and i am glad to find she s not so will my daughter be young women are contradictory creatures in some things her mother was just the same as her but their hearts are soft and kind it s all show with about why she should consider it necessary to make any show i don t undertake to tell you but it s all show bless you she d do her any kindness in private so put me down for whatever you may consider right will you be so good op david and drop me a line where to forward it dear me said mr when a man is drawing on to a time of life where the two ends of life meet when he finds himself however hearty he is being wheeled about for the second time in a speeches of go cart he should be over rejoiced to do a kindness if he can he wants plenty and i don t speak of myself particular said mr because sir the way i look
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at it is that we are all drawing on to the bottom of the hill whatever age we are on account of time never standing still for a single moment so let us always do a kindness and be over rejoiced to be sure he knocked the ashes out of his pipe and put it on a ledge in the back of his chair expressly made for its reception there s em ly s cousin him that she was to have been married to said mr rubbing his hands feebly as fine a fellow as there is in he come and talk or read to me in the evening for an hour together sometimes that s a kindness i should call it all his life s a kindness i am going to see him now said i are you said mr tell him i was hearty and sent my respects and s at a ball they would be as proud to see you as i am if they was at home won t hardly go out at all you see on account of father as she says so i swore to night that if she didn t go i d go to bed at six in consequence of which mr shook himself and his chair with laughter at the success of his device she and s at a ball i shook hands with him and wished him good night half a minute sir said mr if you was to go without seeing my little elephant you d lose the best of sights you never see such a sight a musical little voice answered from somewhere upstairs i am coming grandfather and a pretty little girl with long curling hair soon came running into the shop this is my little elephant sir said mr the child breed sir now little elephant the little elephant set the door of the parlor open me to see that in these latter days it was converted into a bedroom for mr who could not be easily conveyed upstairs and then hid her pretty forehead and tumbled her long hair against the back of mr s chair the elephant you know sir said mr when he goes at a object once elephant twice three times at this signal the little elephant with a dexterity that was next to marvellous in so small an animal the chair round with mr in it and rattled it off into the parlor without touching the mr enjoying the performance and looking back at me on the road as if it were the triumphant issue of his life s exertions after a stroll about the town i went to ham s house had now removed here for good and had let her own house to the successor of mr in the carrying business who had paid her very well for the good will cart and horse i believe the very same slow horse that mr drove was still at work i found them in the neat kitchen accompanied by mrs who the personal history and experience had been fetched from the old boat by mr himself i doubt if she could have been induced to desert her post by any one else he had evidently told them all both and mrs had their to their eyes and ham had just stepped out to take a turn on the beach he presently came home very glad to see me and i hope they were all the better for my being there we spoke with some approach to cheerfulness of mr s growing rich in a new country and of the wonders he would describe in his letters we said nothing of by name but referred to her more than once ham was the of the party but told me when she lighted me to a little chamber where the book was lying ready for me on the table that he always was the same she believed she told me crying that he was broken hearted though he was as full of courage as of sweetness and worked harder and better than any boat in any yard in all that part there were times she said of an evening when he talked of their old life in the and then he mentioned as a child but he never mentioned her as a woman i thought i had read in his face that he would like to speak to me alone i therefore resolved to put myself in his way next evening as he came home from his work having settled this with myself i fell asleep that night for the first time in all those many nights the candle was taken out of the window mr swung in his old in the old boat and the wind murmured with the old sound round his head all next day he was occupied in of his fishing boat and tackle in packing up and sending to london by such of his little domestic possessions as he thought would be useful to him and in parting with the rest or them on mrs she was with him all day as i had a sorrowful wish to see the old place once more before it was locked up i engaged to meet them there in the evening but i so arranged it as that i should meet ham first it was easy to come in his way as i knew where he worked i met him at a retired part of the sands which i knew he would cross and turned back with him that he might have leisure to speak to me if he really wished i had not mistaken the expression of his face we had walked but a little way together when he said without looking at me r have you seen her only for a moment when she was in a i softly answered we walked a little farther and he said r
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might carry it outside the door before the candle dan l said mrs suddenly her basket and clinging to his arm my dear dan l the parting words i speak in this house is i mustn t be left behind t ye think of leaving me behind dan l oh t ye ever do it mr taken looked from mrs to me and from me to mrs as if he had been awakened from a sleep t ye dearest dan l t ye cried mrs fervently take me long with you dan l take me long with you and em ly i be your servant constant and if there s slaves in them parts where you re a going i be bound to you for one and happy but t ye leave me behind dan l that s a dear my good soul said mr shaking his head you t know what a long voyage and what a hard life tis yes i do dan l i can guess cried mrs but my parting words under this roof is i shall go into the house and die if i am not took i can dig dan l i can work i can live hard i can be loving and patient now more than you think dan l if you on y try me i wouldn t touch the not if i was dying of want dan l but i go with you and em ly if you on y let me to the world s end i know how tis i know you that i am lone and but love tan t so no more i an t sat here so long a watching and a thinking of your trials without some good being done me r speak to him for me i knows his ways and em ly s and i knows their sorrows and can be a comfort to em some odd times and labor for em dan l dan l let me go long with you and mrs took his hand and kissed it with a homely pathos and affection in a homely rapture of devotion and gratitude that he well deserved we brought the out extinguished the candle fastened the door on of david the outside and left the old boat close shut up a dark speck in the cloudy night next day when we were returning to london outside the coach mrs and her basket were on the seat behind and mrs was happy chapter i assist at an explosion when the time mr had appointed so mysteriously was within four and twenty hours of being come my aunt and i consulted how we should proceed for my aunt was very unwilling to leave ah how easily i carried up and down stairs now we were disposed notwithstanding mr s for my aunt s attendance to arrange that she should stay at home and be represented by mr dick and me in short we had resolved to take this course when again unsettled us by declaring that she never would forgive herself and never would forgive her bad boy if my aunt remained behind on any pretence i won t speak to you said shaking her curls at my aunt i be disagreeable i make bark at you all day i shall be sure that you really are a cross old thing if you don t go tut blossom laughed my aunt you know you can t do without me yes i can said you are no use to me at all you never run up and down stairs for me all day long you never sit and tell me stories about when his shoes were worn out and he was covered with dust oh what a poor little of a fellow you never do anything at all to please me do you dear made haste to kiss my aunt and say yes you do i m only joking lest my aunt should think she really meant it but aunt said now listen you must go i shall you till you let me have my own way about it i shall lead my naughty boy such a life if he don t make you go i shall make myself so disagreeable and so will you wish you had gone like a good thing for ever and ever so long if you don t go besides said putting back her hair and looking at my aunt and me why shouldn t you both go i am not very ill indeed a m i why what a question cried my aunt what a fancy said i yes i know i am a silly thing said slowly looking from one of us to the other and then putting up her pretty lips to kiss us as she lay upon her couch well then you must both go or i shall not believe you and then i shall cry i saw in my aunt s face that she began to give way now and brightened again as she saw it too you come back with so much to tell me that it take at least a week to make me understand said because i know i sha n t understand for a length of time if there s any business in it and there s sure to be some business in it if there s any thing to add up the personal history and experience besides i don t know when i shall make it out and my bad boy will look so miserable all the time there now you go won t you you only be gone one night and will take care of me while you are gone will carry me up stairs before you go and i won t come down again till you come back and you shall take a dreadfully scolding letter from me because she has never been to
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see us we agreed without any more consultation that we would both go and that was a little who feigned to be rather because she liked to be she was greatly pleased and very merry and we four that is to say my aunt mr dick and i went down to by the mail that night at the hotel where mr had requested us to await him which we got into with some trouble in the middle of the night i found a letter that he would appear in the morning at nine after which we went shivering at that uncomfortable hour to our respective beds through various close passages which smelt as if they had been for ages in a solution of soup and stables early in the morning i sauntered through the dear old tranquil streets and again mingled with the shadows of the venerable and churches the were sailing about the cathedral towers and the towers themselves overlooking many a long mile of the rich country and its pleasant streams were cutting the bright morning air as if there were no such thing as change on earth yet the bells when they sounded told me sorrowfully of change in everything told me of their own age and my pretty s youth and of the many never old who had lived and loved and died while the of the bells had through the rusty of the black prince hanging up within and upon the deep of time had lost themselves in air as circles do in water i looked at the old house from the corner of the street but did not go nearer to it lest being observed i might do any harm to the design i had come to aid the early sun was striking on its and windows touching them with gold and some beams of its old peace seemed to touch my heart i strolled into the country for an hour or so and then returned by the main street which in the interval had shaken off its last night s sleep among those who were stirring in the shops i saw my ancient enemy the butcher now advanced to top boots and a baby and in business for himself he was nursing the baby and appeared to be a member of society we all became very anxious and impatient when we sat down to breakfast as it approached nearer and nearer to half past nine o clock our restless expectation of mr increased at last we made no more pretence of attending to the meal which except with mr dick had been a mere form from the first but my aunt walked up and down the room sat upon the sofa affecting to read the paper with his eyes on the ceiling and i looked out of the window to give early notice of mr s coming nor had i long to watch for at the first of the half hour he appeared in the street here he is said i and not in his legal attire my aunt tied the strings of her bonnet she had come down to breakfast in it and put on her shawl as if she were ready for anything that was op david resolute and his coat with a determined air mr dick disturbed by these formidable appearances but feeling it necessary to imitate them pulled his hat with both hands as firmly over his ears as he possibly could and instantly took it off again to welcome mr gentlemen and madam said mr good morning my dear sir to mr dick who shook hands with him violently you are extremely good have you said mr dick have a chop not for the world my good sir cried mr stopping him on his way to the bell appetite and myself mr have long been strangers mr was so pleased with his new name and appeared to think it so very obliging in mr to confer it upon him that he shook hands with him again and laughed rather dick said my aunt attention mr dick recovered himself with a blush now sir said my aunt to mr as she put on her gloves we are ready for mount or anything else as soon as yon please madam returned mr i trust you will shortly witness an mr i have your permission i believe to mention here that we have been in communication together it is undoubtedly the fact said to whom i looked in surprise mr has consulted me in reference to what he has in contemplation and i have advised him to the best of my judgment unless i deceive myself mr pursued mr what i contemplate is a disclosure of an important nature highly so said perhaps under such circumstances madam and gentlemen said mr you will do me the favor to submit yourselves for the moment to the direction of one who however unworthy to be regarded in any other light but as a and stray upon the shore of human nature is still your fellow man though crushed out of his original form by individual errors and the force of a combination of circumstances we have perfect confidence in you mr said i and will do what you please mr returned mr your confidence is not at the existing juncture ill bestowed i would beg to be allowed a start of five minutes by the clock and then to receive the present company inquiring for miss at the office of and whose i am my aunt and i looked at who nodded his approval i have no more observed mr to say at present with which to my infinite surprise he included us all in a comprehensive bow and disappeared his manner being extremely distant and his face extremely pale only smiled and shook his head with his hair standing upright on the top of it when i looked to him for an
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explanation so i took out my watch and as a last resource counted off the five the personal history and experience minutes my aunt with her own watch in her hand did the like when the time was expired gave her his arm and we all went out together to the old house without saying one word on the way we found mr at his desk in the office on the ground floor either writing or pretending to write hard the large office ruler was stuck into his waistcoat and was not so well concealed but that a foot or more of that instrument from his bosom like a new kind of shirt as it appeared to me that i was expected to speak i said aloud how do you do mr mr said mr gravely i hope i see you well is miss at home said i mr is in bed sir of a fever he returned but miss i have no doubt will be happy to see old friends will you walk in sir he preceded us to the dining room the first room i had entered in that house and flinging open the door of mr s former office said in a voice miss mr david mr thomas and mi i had not seen since the time of the blow our visit astonished him evidently not the less i dare say because it astonished ourselves he did not gather his eyebrows together for he had none worth mentioning but he frowned to that degree that he almost closed his small eyes while the hurried raising of his hand to his chin betrayed some or surprise this was when we were in the act of entering his room and when i caught a glance at him over my aunt s shoulder a moment afterwards he was as and as humble as ever well i am sure he said this is indeed an unexpected pleasure to have as i may say all friends round saint paul s at once is a treat for mr i hope i see you well and if i may express self so friendly towards them as is ever your friends whether or not mrs sir i hope she s getting on we have been made quite uneasy by the poor accounts we have had of her state lately i do assure you i felt ashamed to let him take my hand but i did not know yet what else to do things are changed in this office miss since i was a clerk and held your pony ain t they said with his smile but am not changed miss well sir returned my aunt to tell you the truth i think you are pretty constant to the promise of your youth if that s any satisfaction to you thank you miss said in his manner for your good opinion tell em to let miss know and mother mother will be quite in a state when she sees the present company said setting chairs you are not busy mr said whose eye the cunning red eye accidentally caught as it at once and us no mr replied his official seat and his bony hands laid palm to palm between his bony knees of david not so much so as i could wish but lawyers and are not easily satisfied you know not but what myself and have our hands pretty full in general on account of mr s being hardly fit for any occupation sir but it s a pleasure as well as a duty i am sure to work for mm tou ve not been intimate with mr i think mr i believe i ve only had the honor of seeing you once myself no i have not been intimate with mr returned or i might perhaps have waited on you long ago mr there was something in the tone of this reply which made look at the speaker again with a very sinister and suspicious expression but seeing only with his good natured face simple manner and hair on end he dismissed it as he replied with a jerk of his whole body but especially his throat i am sorry for that mr you would have admired him as much as we all do his little would only have him to you the more but if you would like to hear my fellow partner spoken of i should refer you to the family is a subject he s very strong upon if you never heard him i was prevented from the compliment if i should have done so in any case by the entrance of now ushered in by mr she was not quite so self possessed as usual i thought and had evidently undergone anxiety and fatigue but her earnest cordiality and her quiet beauty shone with the lustre for it i saw watch her while she greeted us and he reminded me of an ugly and rebellious watching a good spirit in the meanwhile some slight sign passed between mr and and unobserved except by me went out don t wait said mr with his hand upon the ruler in his breast stood erect before the door most contemplating one of his fellow men and that man his employer what are you waiting for said did you hear me tell you not to wait yes replied the immovable mr then why do you wait said because i in short choose replied mr with a burst s cheeks lost colour and an still faintly tinged by his red them he looked at mr attentively with his whole face breathing short and quick in every feature you are a dissipated fellow as all the world knows he said with an effort at a smile and i am afraid you oblige me to get rid of you go along i talk to you presently if there is a
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scoundrel on this earth said mr suddenly breaking out again with the utmost vehemence with whom i have already talked too much that scoundrel s name is fell back as if he had been struck or stung looking slowly round upon us with the darkest and expression that his face could wear he said in a lower voice this is a conspiracy you have met here by appointment you are playing with my clerk are you now take m m the personal history and experience care you make nothing of this we understand each other you and me there s no love between us tou were always a with a proud stomach from your first coming here and you envy me my rise do you none of your plots against me i you you be off i talk to you presently mr said i there is a sudden change in this fellow in more respects than the extraordinary one of his speaking the truth in one particular which me that he is brought to bay deal with him as he deserves you are a precious set of people ain t you said in the same low voice and breaking out into a heat which he wiped from his forehead with his long lean hand to buy over my clerk who is the very of society as you yourself were you know it before anyone had charity on you to me with his lies miss you had better stop this or i stop your husband shorter than will be pleasant to you i won t know your story for nothing old lady miss if you have any love for your father you had better not join that gang i ruin him if you do now come i have got some of you under the think twice before it goes over you think twice you if you don t want to be crushed i recommend you to take yourself off and be talked to presently you fool while there s time to retreat where s mother he said suddenly appearing to notice with alarm the absence of and pulling down the bell rope fine doings in a person s own house mrs is here sir said returning with that worthy mother of a worthy son i have taken the liberty of making myself known to her who are you to make yourself known retorted and what do you want here i am the agent and friend of mr sir said in a composed business like way and i have a power of attorney from him in my pocket to act for him in all matters the old ass has drunk himself into a state of said turning than before and it has been got from him by fraud something has been got from him by fraud i know returned quietly and so do you mr we will refer that question if you please to mr mrs began with an anxious gesture you hold your tongue mother he returned least said mended but my will you hold your tongue mother and leave it to me though i had long known that his was false and all his and hollow i had had no adequate conception of the extent of his until i now saw him with his mask off the suddenness with which he dropped it when he perceived that it was useless to him the malice insolence and hatred he revealed the with which he even at this moment in the evil he had done all this time being desperate too and at his wits end for the means of getting the better of us though perfectly consistent with the of david i had of him at first took even me by surprise who had known him so long and disliked him so heartily i say nothing of the look he conferred on me as he stood us one after another for i had always understood that he hated me and i remembered the marks of my hand upon his cheek but when his eyes passed on to and i saw the rage with which he felt his power over her slipping away and the exhibition in their disappointment of the odious passions that had led him to to one whose virtues he could never appreciate or care for i was shocked by the mere thought of her having lived an hour within sight of such a man after some rubbing of the lower part of his face and some looking at us with those bad eyes over his fingers he made one more address to me half and half you think it do you you who pride yourself so much on your honor and all the rest of it to about my place dropping with my clerk if it had been me i shouldn t have wondered for i don t make myself out a gentleman though i never was in the streets either as you were according to but being you and you re not afraid of doing this either you don t think at all of what i shall do in return or of getting yourself into trouble for conspiracy and so forth very well we shall see mr what s your name you were going to refer some question to there your why don t you make him speak he has learnt his lesson see seeing that what he said had no effect on me or any of us he sat on the edge of his table with his hands in his pockets and one of his feet twisted round the other leg waiting for what might follow mr whose i had restrained thus far with the greatest difficulty and who had repeatedly interposed with the first syllable of without getting to the second now burst forward drew the ruler from his breast apparently as a weapon and produced from
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his pocket a document folded in the form of a large letter opening this packet with his old flourish and glancing at the contents as if he cherished an artistic admiration of their style of composition he began to read as follows dear miss and gentlemen bless and save the man exclaimed my aunt in a low voice he d write letters by the if it was a capital offence mr without hearing her went on in appearing before you to probably the most villain that has ever existed mr without looking off the letter pointed the ruler like a ghostly at i ask no consideration for myself the victim from my cradle of pecuniary to i have been unable to respond i have ever been the sport and toy of circumstances want despair and madness have or separately been the attendants of my career the relish with which mr described himself as a prey to these dismal was only to be equalled by the emphasis with which he read his letter and the kind of homage he rendered to it with a roll of his head when he thought he had hit a sentence very hard indeed in an of want despair and madness i entered the office or as our lively neighbour the would term it m m the personal history and experience the of the firm conducted under the of and but in reality by alone and only is the of that machine and only is the and the cheat more blue than white at these words made a dart at the letter as if to tear it in pieces mr with a perfect miracle of dexterity or luck caught his advancing with the rider and his right hand it dropped at the wrist as if it were broken the blow sounded as if it had fallen on wood the devil take you said in a new way with pain i be even with you approach me again you you you of gasped mr and if your head is human i break it come on come on i think i never saw anything more ridiculous i was sensible of it even at the time than mr making broad sword guards with the ruler and crying come on while and i pushed him back into a corner from which as often as we got him into it he persisted in emerging again his enemy muttering to himself after wringing his wounded hand for some time slowly drew off his neck and bound it up then held it in his other hand and sat upon his table with his sullen face looking down mr when he was sufficiently cool proceeded with his letter the in consideration of which i entered into the service of always pausing before that word and uttering it with astonishing vigor were not beyond the of shillings and six per week the rest was left on the value of my professional exertions in other and more expressive words on the of my nature the of my motives the poverty of my family the general moral or rather resemblance between myself and need i say that it soon became necessary for me to from pecuniary advances towards the support of mrs and our but rising family need i say that this necessity had been foreseen by that those advances were secured by i u s and other similar known to the legal institutions of this country and that i thus became in the web he had spun for my reception mr s enjoyment of his powers in describing this unfortunate state of things really seemed to any pain or anxiety that the reality could have caused him he read on then it was began to favor me with just so much of his confidence as was necessary to the discharge of his infernal business then it was that i began if i may so express myself to peak and pine i found that my services were constantly called into for the of business and the of an individual whom i will as mr w that mr w was imposed upon kept in ignorance and in every possible way yet that all this while the was unbounded gratitude to and unbounded friendship for that much abused gentleman this was bad enough but as the philosophic with that universal which the illustrious ornament of the era worse remains behind op david mr was so very much struck by this happy off with a quotation that he indulged himself and us with a second reading of the sentence under pretence of having lost his place it is not my intention he continued reading on to enter on a detailed list within the compass of the present though it is ready elsewhere of the various of a minor nature affecting the individual whom i have mr w to which i have been a party my object when the contest within myself between and no baker and no baker existence and non existence ceased was to take advantage of my opportunities to discover and expose the major committed to that gentleman s grievous wrong and injury by stimulated by the silent within and by a no less touching and appealing without to whom i will briefly refer as miss w i entered on a not task of investigation protracted now to the best of my knowledge information and belief over a period exceeding twelve months he read this passage as if it were from an act of parliament and appeared refreshed by the sound of the words my charges against he read on glancing at him and drawing the ruler into a convenient position under his left arm in case of need are as follows we all held our breath i think i am sure held his first said mr
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when mr w s faculties and memory for business became through causes into which it is not necessary or expedient for me to enter weakened and confused perplexed and complicated the whole of the official transactions when mr w was least fit to enter on business was always at hand to force him to enter on it he obtained mr w s signature under such circumstances to documents of importance representing them to be other documents of no importance he induced mr w to him to draw out thus one particular sum of trust money to twelve six fourteen two and nine and employed it to meet pretended business charges and which were either already provided for or had never really existed he gave this proceeding throughout the appearance of having originated in mr w s own intention and of having been accomplished by mr w s own act and has used it ever since to torture and him you shall prove this you said with a threatening shake of the head all in good time ask mr who lived in his house after him said mr breaking off from the letter will you the fool himself and lives there now said ask if he ever kept a pocket book in that house said mr will you i saw s hand stop involuntarily in the of his chin or ask him said mr if he ever burnt one there if he says yes and asks you where the ashes are refer him to and he will hear of something not at all to his advantage the triumphant flourish with which mr delivered himself of these words had a powerful effect in alarming the mother who cried out in much agitation the personal history and experience be and make terms my dear m mother he retorted will you keep quiet you re in a fright and don t know what you say or mean he repeated looking at me with a i ve some of em for a pretty long time back as i was mr his chin in his presently proceeded with his composition second has on several occasions to the best of my knowledge information and belief but that won t do muttered relieved mother you keep quiet we will endeavour to provide something that will do and do for you finally sir very shortly replied mr second has on several occasions to the best of my knowledge information and belief to various books and documents the signature of mr w and has distinctly done so in one instance capable of proof by me to wit in manner following that is to say again mr had a relish in this formal up of words which however displayed in his case was i must say not at all peculiar to him i have observed it in the course of my life in numbers of men it seems to me to be a general rule in the taking of legal oaths for instance seem to enjoy themselves when they come to several good words in succession for the expression of one idea as that they utterly and or so forth and the old were made on the same principle we talk about the tyranny of words but we like to over them too we are fond of having a large superfluous establishment of words to wait upon us on great occasions we think it looks important and sounds well as we are not particular about the meaning of our on state occasions if they be but fine and numerous enough so the meaning or necessity of our words is a secondary consideration if there be but a great parade of them and as individuals get into trouble by making too great a show of or as slaves when they are too numerous rise against their masters so i think i could mention a nation that has got into many great difficulties and will get into many greater from maintaining too large a of words mr read on almost his lips to wit in manner following that is to say mr w being and it being within the bounds of probability that his might lead to some discoveries and to the of s power over the w family as i the assume unless the filial affection of his daughter could be secretly influenced from allowing any investigation of the affairs to be ever made the said deemed it expedient to have a bond ready by him as from mr w for the before mentioned sum of twelve six fourteen two and nine with interest stated therein to have been advanced by to mr w to save mr w from though really the sum was never advanced by him and has long been replaced the to this instrument to be executed by mr w and by are by i have in my possession in his of david hand and pocket book several similar of mr w s signature here and there by fire but to any one i never any such document and i have the document itself in my possession with a start took out of his pocket a bunch of keys and opened a certain drawer then suddenly himself of what he was about and turned again towards us without looking in it and i have the document mr read again looking about as if it were the text of a sermon in my possession that is to say i had early this morning when this was written but have since it to mr it is quite true assented cried the mother be and make terms i know my son will be gentlemen if you give him time to think mr i m sure you know that he was always very sir it was singular to see how the mother still
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held to the old trick when the son had abandoned it as useless mother he said with an impatient bite at the handkerchief in which his hand was wrapped you had better take and fire a loaded gun at me but i love you cried mrs and i have no doubt she did or that he loved her however strange it may appear though to be sure they were a congenial couple and i can t bear to hear you provoking the gentlemen and of yourself more i told the gentleman at first when he told me up stairs it was come to light that i would answer for your being and making amends oh see how i am gentlemen and don t mind him why there s mother he angrily retorted pointing his lean finger at me against whom all his was as the prime in the discovery and i did not him there s would have given you a hundred pound to say less than you ve out i can t help it cried his mother i can t see you running into danger through carrying your head so high better be as you always was he remained for a little biting the handkerchief and then said to me with a what more have you got to bring forward if anything go on with it what do you look at me for mr promptly resumed his letter only too glad to to a performance with which he was so highly satisfied third and last i am now in a condition to show by s false books and s real beginning with the partially destroyed pocket book which i was unable to comprehend at the time of its accidental discovery by mrs on our taking possession of our present abode in the or devoted to the reception of the ashes on our domestic hearth that the weaknesses the faults the very virtues the parental affections and the sense of honor of the unhappy mr w have been for years acted on by and to the base purposes of that mr w has been for years and in every conceivable manner to the pecuniary of the false and grasping that the object of was next to gain to subdue mr and miss w of his views in reference the personal history and experience to the latter i say nothing entirely to himself that his last act completed but a few months since was to induce mr w to execute a of his share in the and even a bill of sale on the very furniture of his house in consideration of a certain to be well and truly paid by on the four common quarter days in each and every year that these beginning with alarming and accounts of the estate of which mr w is the at a period when mr w had launched into and ill judged speculations and may not have had the money for which he was morally and responsible in hand going on with pretended of money at enormous interest really coming from and by obtained or withheld from mr w himself on pretence of such speculations or otherwise by a miscellaneous catalogue of gradually until the unhappy mr w could see no world beyond as he believed alike in circumstances in all other hope and in honor his sole reliance was upon the monster in the garb of man mr made a good deal of this as a new turn of expression who by making himself necessary to him had achieved his destruction all this i undertake to show probably much more i whispered a few words to who was weeping half joyfully half sorrowfully at my side and there was a movement among us as if mr had finished he said with exceeding gravity pardon me and proceeded with a mixture of the lowest spirits and the most intense enjoyment to the of his letter i have now concluded it merely remains for me to these and then with my ill family to disappear from the landscape on which we appear to be an that is soon done it may be reasonably inferred that our baby will first of as being the member of our circle and that our will follow next in order so be it myself my pilgrimage has done much imprisonment on civil process and want will soon do more i trust that the labor and hazard of an investigation of which the smallest results have been slowly together in the pressure of under grinding apprehensions at rise of at eve in the shadows of night under the watchful eye of one whom it were superfluous to call demon combined with the struggle of parental poverty to turn it when completed to the right account may be as the of a few drops of sweet water on my i ask no more let it be in justice merely said of me as of a gallant and eminent naval hero with whom i have no pretensions to cope that what i have done i did in despite of and selfish objects for england home and beauty always c c much affected but still intensely enjoying himself mr folded up his letter and handed it with a bow to my aunt as something she might like to keep there was as i had noticed on my first visit long ago an iron safe in the room the key was in it a hasty suspicion seemed to strike of david and with a glance at mr he went to it and threw the doors open it was empty where are the books he cried with a frightful face some thief has stolen the books mr tapped himself with the ruler i did when i got the key from you as usual but a
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little and opened it this morning don t be uneasy said they have come into my possession i will take care of them under the authority i mentioned you receive stolen goods do you cried under such circumstances answered yes what was my astonishment when i beheld my aunt who had been profoundly quiet and attentive make a dart at and seize him by the collar with both hands you know what i want said my aunt a strait waistcoat said he no my property returned my aunt my dear as long as i believed it had been really made away with by your father i wouldn t and my dear i didn t even to trot as he knows breathe a syllable of its having been placed here for but now i know this fellow s for it and i have it trot come and take it away from him whether my aunt supposed for the moment that he kept her property in his neck i am sure i don t know but she certainly pulled at it as if she thought so hastened to put myself between them and to assure her that we would all take care that he should make the utmost of everything he had got this and a few moments reflection her but she was not at all disconcerted by what she had done though i cannot say as much for her bonnet and resumed her seat during the last few minutes mrs had been to her son to be and had been going down on her knees to all of us in succession and making the wildest promises her son sat her down in his chair and standing by her holding her arm with his hand but not rudely said to me with a ferocious look what do you want done i will tell you what must be done said has that no tongue muttered i would do a good deal for you if you could tell me without lying that somebody had cut it out my means to be cried his mother don t mind what he says good gentlemen what must be done said is this first the deed of that we have heard of must be given over to me now here suppose i haven t got it he interrupted but you have said therefore you know we won t suppose so and i cannot help that this was the first occasion on which i really did justice to the clear head and the plain patient practical good sense of my old then said you must prepare to all that your has become possessed of and to make restoration to the last all the books and papers must remain in our possession all your books and papers all money accounts and of both kinds in short everything here the personal history and experience must it i don t know that said i must have time to think about that certainly replied but in the meanwhile and until everything is done to our satisfaction we shall maintain possession of these things and beg you in short compel you to keep your own room and hold no communication with any one i won t do it said with an oath jail is a safer place of observed and though the law may be longer in us and may not be able to right us so completely as you can there is no doubt of its you dear me you know that quite as well as i will you go round to the and bring a couple of officers here mrs broke out again crying on her knees to to interfere in their behalf exclaiming that he was very humble and it was all true and if he didn t do what we wanted she would and much more to the same purpose being half frantic with fears for her darling to inquire what he might have done if he had had any boldness would be like inquiring what a cur might do if it had the spirit of a tiger he was a coward from head to foot and showed his nature through his and mortification as much as at any time of his mean life stop he growled to me and wiped his hot face with his hand mother hold your noise well let em have that deed go and fetch it do you help her mr dick said if you please proud of his commission and understanding it mr dick accompanied her as a shepherd s dog might accompany a sheep but mrs gave him little trouble for she not only returned with the deed but with the box in which it was where we found a banker s book and some other papers that were afterwards serviceable good said when this was brought now mr you can retire to think particularly observing if you please that i declare to you on the part of all present that there is only one thing to be done that it is what i have explained and that it must be done without delay without lifting his eyes from the ground across the room with his hand to his chin and pausing at the door said i have always hated you you ve always been an and you ve always been against me as i think i told you once before said i it is you who have been in your and cunning against all the world it may be profitable to you to reflect in future that there never were and cunning in the world yet that did not do too much and over reach themselves it is as certain as death or as certain as they used to teach at school the same school where i picked up so much from nine o clock to eleven that labor was a curse and from eleven o
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clock to one that it was a blessing and a cheerfulness and a dignity and i don t know what all eh said he with a sneer you preach about as consistent as they did won t go down i shouldn t have got round my gentleman fellow partner without it i think you old bully i ll you mr defiant of him and his extended finger and making a great deal of his chest until he had out at the door of david then addressed himself to me and proffered me the satisfaction of witnessing the re establishment of mutual confidence between himself and mrs after which he invited the company generally to the contemplation of that affecting spectacle the veil that has long been interposed between mrs and myself is now withdrawn said mr and my children and the author of their being can once more come in contact on equal terms as we were all very grateful to him and all desirous to show that we were as well as the hurry and disorder of our spirits would permit i dare say we should all have gone but that it was necessary for to return to her father as yet unable to bear more than the dawn of hope and for some one else to hold in safe keeping so remained for the latter purpose to be presently relieved by mr dick and mr dick my aunt and i went home with mr as i parted hurriedly from the dear girl to whom i owed so much and thought from what she had been saved perhaps that morning her better resolution notwithstanding i felt devoutly thankful for the miseries of my younger days which had brought me to the knowledge of mr his house was not far off and as the street door opened into the sitting room and he bolted in with a quite his own we found ourselves at once in the bosom of the family mr exclaiming my life rushed into mrs s arms mrs shrieked and folded mr in her embrace miss nursing the unconscious stranger of mrs s last letter to me was sensibly affected the stranger leaped the their joy by several inconvenient but innocent master whose disposition appeared to have been by early disappointment and whose aspect had become yielded to his better feelings and said mr the cloud is past from my mind mutual confidence so long preserved between us once is restored to know no farther interruption now welcome poverty cried mr shedding tears welcome misery welcome welcome hunger rags tempest and mutual confidence will sustain us to the end with these expressions mr placed mrs in a chair and embraced the family all round a variety of bleak prospects which appeared to the best of my judgment to be anything but welcome to them and calling upon them to come out into and sing a chorus as nothing else was left for their support but mrs having in the strength of her emotions fainted away the first thing to be done even before the chorus could be considered complete was to recover her this my aunt and mr did and then my aunt was introduced and mrs recognised me excuse me dear mr said the poor lady giving me her hand but i am not strong and the removal of the late misunderstanding between mr and myself was at first too much for me is this all your family ma am said my aunt there are no more at present returned mrs good gracious i didn t mean that ma am said my aunt i mean are all these yours the personal history and experience madam replied mr it is a true bill and that eldest young gentleman now said my aunt musing what has he been brought up to it was my hope when i came here said mr to have got into the church or perhaps i shall express my meaning more strictly if i say the choir but there was no for a tenor in the venerable pile for which this city is so justly eminent and he has in short he has contracted a habit of singing in houses rather than in sacred but he means well said mrs tenderly i dare say my love rejoined mr that he means particularly well but i have not yet found that he carries out his meaning in any given direction whatsoever master s of aspect returned upon him again and he demanded with some temper what he was to do whether he had been born a carpenter or a coach painter any more than he had been born a bird whether he could go into the next street and open a s shop whether he could rush to the next and proclaim himself a lawyer whether he could come out by force at the opera and succeed by violence whether he could do anything without being brought up to something my aunt mused a little while and then said mr i wonder you have never turned your thoughts to madam returned mr it was the dream of my youth and the of my years i am thoroughly persuaded by the bye that he had never thought of it in his life aye said my aunt with a glance at me why what a thing it would be for yourselves and your family mr and mrs if you were to now capital madam capital urged mr gloomily that is the principal i may say the only difficulty my dear mr assented his wife capital cried my aunt but you are doing us a great service have done us a great service i may say for surely much will come out of the fire and what could we do for you that would be half so good as to find the capital i could not receive it as a gift said
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mr full of fire and animation but if a sufficient sum could be advanced say at five per cent interest per upon my personal say my notes of hand at twelve eighteen and twenty four months to allow time for something to turn up could be can be and shall be on your own terms returned my aunt if you say the word think of this now both of you here are some people david knows going out to shortly if you decide to go why shouldn t you go in the same ship you may help each other think of this now mr and mrs take your time and weigh it well there is but one question my dear ma am i could wish to ask said mrs the climate i believe is healthy finest in the world said my aunt of david just so returned mrs then my question arises now are the circumstances of the country such that a man of mr s abilities would have a fair chance of rising in the social scale i will not say at present might he to be governor or anything of that sort but would there be a reasonable opening for his talents to develop themselves that would be amply sufficient and find their own no better opening anywhere said my aunt for a man who himself well and is industrious for a man who himself well repeated mrs with her business manner and is industrious precisely it is evident to me that is the legitimate sphere of action for mr i entertain the conviction my dear madam said mr that it is under existing circumstances the land the only land for myself and family and that something of an extraordinary nature will turn up on that shore it is no distance comparatively speaking and though consideration is due to the kindness of your proposal i assure you that is a mere matter of form shall i ever forget how in a moment he was the most sanguine of men looking on to fortune or how mrs presently about the habits of the shall i ever recall that street of on a market day without recalling him as he walked back with us expressing in the hardy manner he assumed the unsettled habits of a temporary in the land and looking at the as they came by with the eye of an farmer chapter another i must pause yet once again my child wife there is a figure in the moving crowd before my memory quiet and still saying in its innocent love and childish beauty stop to think of me turn to look upon the little blossom as it to the ground i do all else grows dim and away i am again with in our cottage i do not know how long she has been ill i am so used to it in feeling that i cannot count the time it is not really long in weeks or months but in my usage and experience it is a weary weary while they have left off telling me to wait a few days more i have begun to fear that the day may never shine when i shall see my running in the sunlight with her old friend he is as it were suddenly grown very old it may be that he in his mistress something that him and made him younger but he and his sight is weak and his limbs are feeble and my aunt is sorry that he objects to her no more but near her as he lies on s bed she sitting at the bedside and mildly her hand lies smiling on us and is beautiful and no hasty or complaining word she says that we are very good to her that her dear old careful boy is himself out she knows that my aunt has no sleep yet is always active and kind sometimes the little bird like the personal history and experience ladies come to see her and then we talk about our wedding day and all that happy time what a strange rest and pause in my life there seems to be and in all life within doors and without when i it in the quiet shaded orderly room with the blue eyes of my child wife turned towards me and her little fingers round my hand many and many an hour i sit thus but of all those times three times come the on my mind it is morning and made so trim by my aunt s hands me how her pretty hair will curl upon the pillow yet and how long and bright it is and how she likes to have it loosely gathered in that net she wears not that i am vain of it now you mocking boy she says when i smile but because you used to say you thought it so beautiful and because when i first began to think about you i used to peep in the glass and wonder whether you would like very much to have a lock of it oh what a foolish fellow you were when i gave you one that was on the day when you were painting the flowers i had given you and when i told you how much in love i was ah but i didn t like to tell you says then how i had cried over them because i you really liked me when i can run about again as i used to do let us go and see those places where we were such a silly couple shall we and take some of the old walks and not forget poor papa yes we will and have some happy days so you must make haste to get well my dear oh i shall soon do that i am so much better you don
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t know it is evening and i sit in the same chair by the same bed with the same face turned towards me we have been silent and there is a smile upon her face i have ceased to carry my light burden up and down stairs now she lies here all the day my dear you won t think what i am going to say unreasonable after what you told me such a little while ago of mr s not being well i want to see yery much i want to see her i will write to her my dear will you directly what a good kind boy take me on your arm indeed my dear it s not a whim it s not a foolish fancy i want very much indeed to see her i am certain of it i have only to tell her so and she is sure to come you are very lonely when you go down stairs now whispers with her arm about my neck how can i be otherwise my own love when i see your empty chair my empty chair she to me for a httle while in silence and you really miss me looking up and brightly smiling even poor giddy stupid me my heart who is there upon earth that i could miss so much oh husband i am so glad yet so sorry creeping closer to me of david and folding me in both her arms she laughs and sobs and then is quiet and quite happy quite she says only give my dear love and tell her that i want very very much to see her and i have nothing left to wish for except to get well again ah sometimes i think you know i always was a silly little thing that that will never be don t say so dearest love don t think so i won t if i can help it but i am very happy though my dear boy is so lonely by himself before his child wife s empty chair it is night and i am with her still has arrived has been among us for a whole day and an evening she my aunt and i have sat with since the morning all together we have not talked much but has been perfectly contented and cheerful we are now alone do i know now that my child wife will soon leave me they have told me so they have told me nothing new to my thoughts but i am far from sure that i have taken that truth to heart i cannot master it i have withdrawn by myself many times to day to weep i have remembered who wept for a parting between the living and the dead i have me of all that gracious and compassionate history i have tried to resign myself and to console myself and that i hope i may have done imperfectly but what i cannot firmly settle in my mind is that the end will absolutely come i hold her hand in mine i hold her heart in mine i see her love for me alive in all its strength i cannot shut out a pale lingering shadow of that she will be spared i am going to speak to you i am going to say something i have often thought of saying lately you won t mind with a gentle look mind my darling because i don t know what you will think or what you may have thought sometimes perhaps you have often thought the same dear i am afraid i was too young i lay my face upon the pillow by her and she looks into my eyes and speaks very softly gradually as she goes on i feel with a stricken heart that she is speaking of herself as past lam afraid dear i was too young i don t mean in years only but in experience and thoughts and everything i was such a silly little creature i am afraid it would have been better if we had only loved each other as a boy and girl and forgotten it i have begun to think i was not fit to be a wife i try to stay my tears and to reply oh love as fit as i to be a husband i don t know with the old shake of her curls perhaps but if i had been more fit to be married i might have made you more so too besides you are very clever and i never was we have been very happy my sweet i was very happy very but as years went on my dear boy would have wearied of his child wife she would have been less and less a companion for him he would have been more and more sensible of what was wanting in his home she wouldn t have improved it is better as it is the personal history and experience oh dearest dearest do not speak to me so every word seems a reproach no not a syllable she answers kissing me oh my dear you never deserved it and i loved you far too well to say a word to you in earnest it was all the merit i had except being pretty or you thought me so is it lonely down stairs very very don t cry is my chair there in its old place oh how my poor boy cries hush hush now make me one promise i want to speak to when you go down stairs tell so and send her up to me and while i speak to her let no one come not even aunt i want to speak to by herself i want to speak to quite alone i promise that she shall immediately but i cannot leave her for my grief i said that it was
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better as it is she whispers as she holds me in her arms oh after more years you never could have loved your child wife better than you do and after more years she would so have tried and disappointed you that you might not have been able to love her half so well i know i was too young and foolish it is much better as it is is down stairs when i go into the parlor and i give her the message she leaving me alone with his chinese house is by the fire and he lies within it on his bed of flannel trying to sleep the bright moon is high and clear as i look out on the night my tears fall fast and my heart is heavily heavily i sit down by the fire thinking with a blind remorse of all those secret feelings i have nourished since my marriage i think of every little trifle between me and and feel the truth that trifles make the sum of life ever rising from the sea of my remembrance is the image of the dear child as i knew her first by my young love and by her own with every fascination wherein such love is rich would it indeed have been better if we had loved each other as a boy and girl and forgotten it heart reply how the time wears i know not until i am recalled by my child wife s old companion more restless than he was he out of his house and looks at me and to the door and to go up stairs not to night not to night he comes very slowly back to me my hand and lifts his dim eyes to my face o it may be never again he lies down at my feet stretches himself out as if to sleep and with a plaintive cry is dead look look here that face so full of pity and of grief that rain of tears that awful mute appeal to me that solemn hand towards heaven p it is over darkness comes before my eyes and for a time all things are blotted out of my remembrance x ov david chapter mr s transactions this is not the time at which i am to enter on the state of my mind beneath its load of sorrow i came to think that the future was walled up before me that the energy and action of my life were at an end that i never could find any refuge but in the grave i came to think so i say but not in the first shock of my grief it slowly grew to that if the events i go on to relate had not around me in the beginning to and in the end to my affliction it is possible though i think not probable that i might have fallen at once into this condition as it was an interval occurred before i fully knew my own distress an interval in which i even supposed that its pangs were past and when my mind could soothe itself by resting on all that was most innocent and beautiful in the tender story that was closed for ever when it was first proposed that i should go abroad or how it came to be agreed among us that i was to seek the restoration of my peace in change and travel i do not even now distinctly know the spirit of so pervaded all we thought and said and did in that time of sorrow that i assume i may refer the project to her influence but her influence was so quiet that i know no more and now indeed i began to think that in my old association of her with the stained glass window in the church a prophetic of what she would be to me in the calamity that was to happen in the of time had found a way into my mind in all that sorrow from the moment never to be forgotten when she stood before me with her hand she was like a sacred presence in my lonely house when the angel of death alighted there my child wife fell asleep they told me so when i could bear to hear it on her bosom with a smile from my i first awoke to a consciousness of her compassionate tears her words of hope and peace her gentle face bending down as from a purer region nearer heaven over my heart and softening its pain let me go on i was to go abroad that seemed to have been determined among us from the first the ground now covering all that could perish of my departed wife i waited only for what mr called the final of and for the departure of the at the request of most affectionate and devoted of friends in my trouble we returned to i mean my aunt and i we proceeded by appointment straight to mr s house where and at mr s my friend had been ever since our meeting when poor mrs saw me come in in my black clothes she was sensibly affected there was a great deal of good in n n the personal history and experience mrs s heart which had not been out of it in all those many years well mr and mrs was my aunt s first salutation after we were seated pray have you thought about that proposal of mine my dear madam returned mr perhaps i cannot better express the conclusion at which mrs your humble servant and i may add our children have and arrived than by the language of an illustrious poet to reply that our boat is on the shore and our bark is on the sea that s right said my aunt i all sorts of good from your sensible
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decision madam you do us a great deal of honor he rejoined he then referred to a with respect to the pecuniary assistance us to our frail on the ocean of enterprise i have that important business point and would beg to propose my notes of hand drawn it is needless to on of the required by the various acts of parliament applying to such at eighteen twenty four and thirty months the proposition i originally submitted was twelve eighteen and twenty four but i am apprehensive that such an arrangement might not allow sufficient time for the requisite amount of something to turn up we might not said mr looking round the room as if it represented several hundred acres of highly cultivated land on the first responsibility becoming due have been successful in our harvest or we might not have got our harvest in labor believe is sometimes difficult to obtain in that portion of our possessions where it will be our lot to combat with the soil arrange it in any way you please sir said my aunt madam he replied mrs and myself are deeply sensible of the very considerate kindness of our friends and what i wish is to be perfectly business like and perfectly punctual turning over as we are about to turn over an entirely new leaf and falling back as we are now in the act of falling back for a spring of no common magnitude it is important to my sense of self respect besides being an example to my son that these arrangements should be concluded as between man and man i don t know that mr attached any meaning to this last phrase i don t know that anybody ever does or did but he appeared to relish it uncommonly and repeated with an impressive cough as between man and man i propose said mr bills a convenience to the world for which i believe we are originally indebted to the jews who appear to me to have had a devilish deal too much to do with them ever since because they are but if a bond or any other description of security would be preferred i should be happy to execute any such instrument as between man and man my aunt observed that in a case where both parties were willing to agree to anything she took it for granted there would be no difficulty in settling this point mr was of her opinion of david in reference to our domestic preparations madam said mr with some pride for meeting the destiny to which we are now understood to be self devoted i beg to report them my eldest daughter at five every morning in a neighbouring establishment to acquire the process if process it may be called of cows my younger children are instructed to observe as closely as circumstances will permit the habits of the pigs and poultry maintained in the poorer parts of this city a pursuit from which they have on two occasions been brought home within an inch of being run over i have myself directed some attention during the past week to the art of and my son has issued forth with a walking stick and driven cattle when permitted by the rugged who had them in charge to render any voluntary service in that direction which regret to say for the credit of our nature was not often he being generally warned with to all very right indeed said my aunt mrs has been busy too i have no doubt my dear madam returned mrs with her business like air i am free to confess that i have not been engaged in pursuits immediately connected with cultivation or with stock though well aware that both will claim my attention ou a foreign shore such opportunities as i have been enabled to from my domestic duties i have devoted to corresponding at some length with my family for i own it seems to me my dear mr said mrs who always fell back on me i suppose from old habit to else she might address her discourse at starting that the time is come when the past should be buried in oblivion when my family should take mr by the hand and mr should take my family by the hand when the lion should lie down with the lamb and my family be on terms with mr i said i thought so too this at least is the light my dear mr pursued mrs in which view the subject when i lived at home with my papa and my papa was accustomed to ask when any point was under discussion in our limited circle in what light does my view the subject that my papa was too partial i know still on such a point as the coldness which has ever between mr and my family i necessarily have formed an though it may be no doubt of course you have ma am said my aunt precisely so assented mrs now i may be wrong in my conclusions it is very likely that i am but my individual impression is that the gulf between my family and mr may be traced to an apprehension on the part of my family that mr would require pecuniary accommodation i cannot help thinking said mrs with an air of deep sagacity that there are members of my family who have been apprehensive that mr would them for their names i do not mean to be conferred in upon our children but to be inscribed on bills of exchange and in the money market n n the personal history and experience the look of penetration with which mrs announced this discovery as if no one had ever thought of it before seemed rather to astonish my aunt who abruptly replied well ma am upon the whole
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