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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
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Cancer
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13,August,2003
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Current Song: None Ahh! I know I know, my sincerest apologies for not posting in like 50 ba-zillion years, but I've been so busy that it's insane. Possibly lethal. School started last Monday obviously, and it's not so bad I suppose. With the exception of pre-cal. Someone please shoot me for that one. Oh, and work...I am working non-stop. It's insane. However, I have off tomorrow, so expect a post again. Perhaps one longer and more important than this brief update. One thing on my mind however...I wish that things wouldn't be so impossible. I want simple things. I just feel like I'm trying and trying and it's like swimming through molasses...in the winter, on the coldest day in the past 50 years...in Alaska. I just can't sit back and watch everything just walk away from me. I have to do something...sitting on my ass isn't getting me anywhere! I have to try harder to make life work out. And I'm going to. I'm going to try alot harder. Because I'm going to get things right for once. Well...that about covers it for now...I'm going to bed. Keep busy, crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
01,August,2003
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Current Song: AFI- Totalimmortal Ahh! Shame on me for not posting. Lots of stuff going on. Saturday night was crazy and DRUNKEN. As it should be. Sunday= hangover, rest day. Monday I got my license! Whoo hoo, it's about time. Still, however, my car's in the shop. So I'm forced to drive the mexi-truck. Oh, also Monday, I got hired at Whataburger. I'll be working in Roanoke until the new one in Keller opens, which should be soon! Tuesday....didn't anything really of importance. Wednesday I went down to Dallas with my dad to find the asshole that sold us my car illegally, because he didn't finish all the papers. So we got that taken care of, got my car registered, now it just needs to pass inspection, which it didn't do Tuesday. Yesterday I started working...which was cool. I work today and Saturday again from 4-8. I'm going shopping in a little bit, so I'll be heading off to go do that. So there you have it, my week, short and sweet without the long, drawn out details. I figured I'd spare you all. Oh! How could I forget...my schedule. (Seeing as how school starts Monday!) This Semester: 1st Period - AP Statistics - Garrett 2nd Period - Pre-cal Pre-AP - Benbow 3rd Period - BCIS - Folger 4th Period - French 3 - Curry Next Semester- 1st Period - English 3 Weighted - Shannon 2nd Period - Physics Pre-AP - Hanifan 3rd Period - French 4 - Curry 4th Period - US History AP - Murtagh Well, that about covers it! Have a nice rest-of-summer crazies! (Err...try to.)
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
08,September,2003
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Current Song: Three Days Grace- (I Hate) Everything About You It's been a while. And I've been good. Nothing too special really. Working alot, schooling alot, sleeping very little. I'm kinda tired. Like always I suppose. I'm not working today obviously. I can't really think of anything exciting to talk about. I don't have very much energy. I feel kinda sick, so that's probably why. It's like my mind just draws blank. My life isn't exactly blossoming with substance right now. Well, okay, so it does, but nothing worth noting right now. I've got to make a turn-around, but I haven't done that yet. I'm still cycling, and I'm kinda crawling out...or so I hope. 'You love the penis I DONT HAVE.' Rofl, good times. Stop cycling, crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
26,October,2003
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Current Song: Slowreader- Sweetest Suffering What a long week. I'm pretty relieved that it's over. Next week will be better. This week rather. I suppose things haven't been so bad otherwise. I have so much homework to do today it's outrageous. But I'm gonna get everything caught up, so that this week will go nice and smooth. Because we all know what Friday is. And I'm sure we can all guess what my plans include. :) Ahh...what to do with myself. 'Can't let you get to me.' I'll see you crazies lata!
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
17,October,2003
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Current Song: Oasis- Wonderwall Wow...it's only been like....over a month. My internet hasn't been working for the past 2 weeks. We just switched to verizon. I've been working numerous amounts. Today is Rachel's Birthday! Happy B-day Rae! I don't have to work today. And dammit...I'm kinda bored. I don't really know how to make an update for over a month...too much to say. But yeah...I'm back now. Things are good. Things are getting to how they should be. I'm getting my act together for the first time in a long time. Je suis contente. I'll start posting more. I promise. Nice to cross paths again crazies. More to come.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
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01,November,2003
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Current Song: Tool- Lateralus A quiz. Masochist urlLink The ULTIMATE personality test brought to you by urlLink Quizilla I'm tired. And bored. Don't really know what to do. I'll find something I guess. Crazies...you're ugly, and you're evil! (Speaking to all you LLAMAS out there)
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
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27,January,2004
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I've been thinking alot lately about who I am. About the type of person I am. It's a confusing thing, trying to figure out who you are. I've just been searching and searching for some sort of identity. Something to characterize who I am. And I've made alot of mistakes. In my 'quest', I've done nothing more than alot of finding out who I'm not. But yesterday, as I was driving around, I started to come to some realizations. I started to see the obvious. My questions started with 'who am I?' and sort of evolved into 'why am I who I am, and who is that really?' It sort of complicated itself. But in a way, it clarified things for me. I am because of my friends. I am because of the people who are undyingly by my side, through the good and the bad, through the trials and triumphs, through the ups and the downs. There are alot of things in life that come and go: love, relationships, jobs, school, acquantances...even the people you once called your friends may become impermanent and distant with time. I just feel that sometimes people have a tendency to lose sight of who they are...and I think that for a long time, that's where I've been. And true, it's impossible to say that I won't ever lose sight of that again, because life is about learning and growing and experiencing...and it's short. And so, to my friends, and be no doubt whether or not I speak of you, I want you to know that you have helped me through everything, and without people like you, I don't know where I would be. Quite honestly, I don't think I would know who I am. Thank you. ...crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
23,January,2004
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It's definately been a long while. I apologize sincerely. This is the longest I've gone without updating. But I think it's something healthy. Something good. Because I've been undergoing some changes. Maybe no one can notice, and that's fine. It's something within myself. I have been given so many experiences since my absence from posting. I've dealt with the good in the bad in all aspects; from life to love to education, I've suddenly found myself in a different position than from when I began. But I'm back at a crossroad. And instead of being intent on taking the straight path like everyone else...I'm taking a little detour. No. No, I wouldn't call it that. I wouldn't call it anything. I'm simply living my life the way it should, and that is for one purpose and one purpose solely: to live it. There are alot of things to say, and for probably the first time in months, I have time to say them. So I'm taking grasp of today as an opportunity to do as much as possible. Lets start off with stating the obvious: I'm a busy person. My schedule just doesn't seem to let up or slow down right now. And honestly, I'm loving every fast-paced second of it. I love being busy and just getting caught up in the rush of life. It's taking me places. There's a bit of irony for all the people who seem to think my life is going nowhere. There's another thing; sometimes people try to make me seem like I'm less of a person, and maybe that could have affected me in the past, but it means nothing to me now. I know that I'm successful, and that's all that matters. I'm going places. You could use that statement metaphorically or literally. Either way. I'm anticipating my little Europe-Africa trip in March. It's exciting. (FYI: My family is going to France, Spain and Morocco over spring break) And education-wise I feel like I'm really sitting down and saying 'okay...time to get into gear.' I'm working hard, and my grades and personal satisfaction are rewarding me. So all in all life is good, I can't complain, I'm living and I'm loving it. And I'm loving. That's sort of where this post takes a more solemn approach. My life is like a novel. It's like a dramatic epic. Well...maybe more of a story I suppose...my life hasn't taken on any sort of epic proportions...yet. It just puzzles me...love. To simply find satisfaction in someone; a pure, loving satisfaction that makes me feel like a complete person. To find someone who has that much undying faith in me...is incredible. And so this is my sole complaint in my life: how two people can find themselves in each other...find completion in one another, and have something stand between them. To have life come between two people like that. And to drive the misery out of both of them. I see it in his eyes the same way I'm sure he can see it in mine. And when he tells me how important I am to him, it kills me. It's like I want to move on, but I'm still clinging to that little bit of hope for life to work out. And I see him doing the same thing. And for that fact, I can't see how life has to be so unfair. Otherwise, life is great. Even with that fact, life is great. All in all...this is the beginning. Or the end. Or the climax. Or some insignificant detail inbetween. Who cares! Glad to be back, crazies
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
28,February,2004
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Lalalalala.... Tonight was cool but gosh I'm so tired. Mmm I don't even want to wake up for work tomorrow, it just seems so depressing. I hate work. I need a job with people who have a bit more professionalism than this shitty after school fry-fest provides. Drama is for outside work. That's what I hate about my job. Gay gay gay gay gay SO...yep. I'm a pretty cool, exciting person. Working is not fun. But I have to work tomorrow. From 8 to 4. Please visit me. Please rescue me. Ahh I can't even focus I'm so tired. Good sign that sleep is near. Goodnight crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
27,February,2004
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So...new name. It's fitting. Because this damn thing is a pensive waste of time. A waste of a life I could be living rather than writing about. But alas, I'm in an era where people do nothing but evaluate and speak simply for the sake of running their mouths. I'm guilty of it. Who isn't? Everyone talks to talk. 95% of the time I'm talking I have absolutely nothing of importance to say. 95% of this entire blog, over the past 2 years...is complete bullshit and nonsense. But then isn't it the perfect expression of life? Nonsense. If my life was exciting every day, then it would be filled with so much interesting works. But no one's life is that interesting. I mean, hell, my life is way more interesting than I go in to detail about in here. But even then...it's still boring. If I wrote about all the crazy things I do...all the good things and the bad things...not only would you think I was a total nut, you'd probably think I told too much. I do talk alot, but there are still things I leave to the imagination. So my title is suitable. All I do in here is think. Think and think and blah blah blah about pointless shit. But no one in history has every been acclaimed for writing about actual substancial things. That's my opinion at least. Everything is always so metaphorical...that way people can interpret it in a thousand different ways, everyone can relate, people can argue and debate....that's the writing that makes history. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Take the bible: by far the most popular book in the history of the world. So why? Because it's so abstract, nothing's in clear print, everyone can interpret it differently. Dozens to, hell, hundreds or religions have spurred off of one book, simply by people's interpretation of it. The bible was literature of pure genius. I mean people will never stop debating over that book...and it's controversies from interpretation to inerpretation. To write a book that inspires the world for hundreds and thousands of years would be impossible if you wrote it straight forward. Because times change, and views and people change. The bible was written in such a way that it adapts and appeals to so many people, because it's sketchy, elusive, and anything but straight forward. Definately, the most ingenious piece of literature in history. I'm not debating over fiction, nonfiction, who wrote it, blah blah...I'm simply pointing out that it's genious. Pure genious. I'm the type of person who sees all sides. I could take stand on either side of the fence. Not just in religion. In life. I have this way of seeing alot of different aspects. I'm not a die-hard anything. I don't think that really makes me a leader; I think it makes me more of a.... You see what I mean? THIS PENSIVE WASTE OF MY LIFE! I could be finishing homework. Ahh, see ya crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
26,February,2004
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Today I was driving and I started crying for no reason. I think it was the song. I mean, once I realized I was crying, I tried to think of what I had to cry about. And I couldn't think of a damn thing. Because I don't have a damn thing to cry about. And once I realized that, I stopped, and cheered up. Oh, I have like a week until Europe. It's so exciting. Just gotta make it through this final stretch of school...final stretch of studying and saving the grades I've practically killed. I know why too. No more of that. No more ruining my mind. Well...just not so much. On another note...still can't wait till summer. I love summer. It makes me alive. Especially those days when you can just lay outside, close your eyes, and slow everything down. Those are my kind of days. And the days when you feel completely spontaneous, like you can do anything, and you do...those are my kind of days too. I'm just going to make the best of every world. Maybe somewhere between now and the end of high school I'll decide where I want to stand. But I doubt it. Well...I'd say that's pretty much that. I don't have anything important to say. And if I do...I don't know if I can find a way to say it. I'm wearing an A on the inside, and I'm afraid and ashamed to bring it out. That pretty much sums it up. Later. crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
24,February,2004
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Nice new background...very expressional. Very fun too. But no archive links... I might need to meddle with that. All in good time, all in good time. Sleep time, crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
23,February,2004
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Can't wait till summer. Can't wait till summer. Can't wait till summer. Can't wait till summer. Can't wait till summer. Can't wait till summer.Can't wait till summer. Can't wait till summer. Can't wait till summer. Really. I can't. I love the summer, because it is FREAKING AWESOME. So happy YAY! Haha I feel gay and retarded. TAKS was today...which totally blows but my essay totally ROCKED DUDES. No really, it was quite good. It gave ME butterflies...and I wrote the damn thing. I think the beginning and the ending tie was really freaking powerful. Okay, I'll talk later....I have homework to do. Awwwwwchayeah crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
23,February,2004
|
God I am cool. Haha. Too cool. Freakin' rocks. Life is good. Hectic, crazy, but good. I need that madness. It fuels me, baby! I can't wait until spring break. Europe is going to be awesome. And then in April, when I go to New York! Ahh, so much anticipation. And then of course the summer is going to be the best summer over, because my friends and I are the coolest people ever. I just love it, all this excitement and adventure...it's spectacular. Sure, there's stress in my life too, but it all involves school. And if that's the only stress factor in my life, then I'd have to say I must be one of the luckiest people alive. Went shopping this weekend and I DIDN'T MEAN TO SPEND MONEY, DAMMIT! But I did. Just imagine how crazy Paris is going to be. Oh, and all the markets in Tangier...oh, I'm gonna go crazy. I love attention. I dress for attention, I act for attention, I do alot of things to get noticed. Is that wrong of me? I think not! I don't think craving attention is a bad thing. I just have ALWAYS had this feeling inside of me like I can't slip into the seams, I can't fall into the background. If I'm not remembered, if I'm not acknowledged...then I haven't done my job. Still looking for an internship. Haven't really been looking actively, but maybe it's time to start. People who doubt me in life, are my motivation. Remember that when you tell me that I'll amount to nothing. Because every time someone has said that to me, I never forget. They probably don't remember saying it, but I could quote them. And someday that motivation will be the words they'll be shoving up their asses. It's good to have people behind me too. They are my pure motivation. It's nice to have both sides. The people who want to see me succeed, and the people waiting for me to fail. Because I wouldn't ever let myself fail in life. That's not how I work. My friends know that, those who doubt me (I hesitate to say enemies...I don't care enough about people like that to call them enemies) will learn it soon enough. Step one...get out of Keller. This means college. I'm narrowing my search down, narrowing the choices down, and I've picked my good choice college that I'll have to work toward, and I've picked my safety school. I feel like maybe I'm not being totally open-minded, but I know what I want. That's as open-minded as this decision is going to get. Well, it's time to sleep. Deal with the way I am, crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
22,February,2004
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I hate high school. Sure, everyone says that, but I mean it. I hate high school people, minus a few. Those whiny ass sons-of-bitches who have to make life so difficult and be such bitches about everything. I hate being around anything that remotely relates to people like that. I don't care about this person and that person. The thing that I hate is how people do that nonchalant bragging, as if it somehow makes them cool. Where they casually bring something up as though it's not intended to be bragging, but really is. And then there is the anti-bragging, where one rants about something they're actually boasting about. I mean, when I talk about something, it's because I'm either pissed about it, sad about, happy about it, or excited about it. Or some other emotion. I like to share how I feel, not make people feel like I'm just sharing. Please. God. Spare me. I'm in this ranting sort of mood tonight because, for no real reason, I feel sort of upset. Just by...high school. I think the real reason is that I just hate being upstaged. Of all my faults (minus the ones I'm condemned to hell for--which I definately wouldn't be discussing in a public blog, due to severity of such issues), I think my biggest fault is that I can NOT deal with being out-done. I hate it when people are smarter, prettier, nicer, more of a badass, etc... than me. I can not deal with being out-done. It's ridiculous, and of course you're thinking 'get over it', but it's impossible. I mean, I'm the type of person who knows how to get talked about...I know how to get attention, and I don't like it taken from me in any way. One thing I've always hated, since elementary school, is when I'm the best at something, and then someone comes along and knocks me down. Second best is a thousand times harder to bear than worst. I would much rather be worse at everything than be second best. And, well, I'd much rather just be best, to be honest. I'm very paranoid about that sort of thing too. Honestly, I know that no one is trying to knock me down, just as I never try to knock anyone down either. I work solely for myself, and I don't really give a fuck about what most other people are up to anyway. But for some reason I get this idea in my head that everyone is just trying to knock me down. Ridiculous, I know. So I'm self-centered and I like to have my way. At least I have persistence. That's what'll get me what I want. I guess I'm very open about my self-centeredness. But why would I not be? I know it, and I'm honest about it. I don't hide it behind bragging and vanity. That lacks all class. I have so much more to say right now, but unfortunately, my lack of sleep is seriously catching up with me. I do have one thing to say though--my jaw is killing me. It has been constantly popping for like the past...oh...month? And now the right side is swolen, and it's in a constantly clenched position. I'm really starting to get worried, because it's seeming more serious than I had originally thought. I just wish I could relax my jaw...I can't describe the 24/7 pain and discomfort it's causing me. The only time it's okay is when I'm chewing something. That's probably what caused it...chewing things...for best example, obviously, gum. And the past month is when I stopped chewing gum. Hmm..what a coincidence. Anyways, I'm tired, my jaw hurts, my feet are sore, my eyes are strained, and my brain is getting cramped from all this thinking. So yeah... Told you I was in a ranting mood tonight. Oh well...does a body good. Shut the FUCK up, crazies. Nah, just be cool.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
19,February,2004
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I'm a lucky, lucky person. I don't know what got me thinking about that tonight. But I know why I'm lucky. Luckier than alot of people out there. I'm lucky because I don't need to rely on something amazing in my life to make me happy. Life doesn't have to be spectacular to make me content. I don't need everything to fit together in life. That's part of what makes it so exciting for me. Is knowing that there are still things out there that are just waiting to go right for me. To know that there are opportunities waiting to be grasped...but maybe not just yet. Not right away. I'm lucky because I'm patient. I don't need the prospect of 'love' to fuel my happiness. Or whatever. People care too much about their fantasy life, where everything is wonderful and dream-like. Well, wake up. As amazing as that would be if it were true, life isn't like that. Tiny parts of your life may resemble dreams, but you have to live in reality. And I am lucky. I've got my ducks in a row...I feel freakin' great. My life isn't perfect, and it's got it's quirks that I could work out, but I just don't want to. Because without a few quirks, life wouldn't be nearly as interesting. And where's gonna be all the drama when they do my story on E! ? Haha, just kidding. But really, in retrospect, I want a damn good story to tell when I write my memoirs. Damn right. And it is for that, for the imperfections in my life, that I am truly fortunate. The fact that I can accept it puts me on a different level. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* My family and I were watching The Apprentice tonight, and we were discussing who we thought should be fired, etc etc...and I realized that no one else in my family ever has good reasoning. I hate to insult them (my parents just threw a huge fit a few days ago because they thought I was insulting their intelligence), but they never put reasoning behind anything. It's always, he's wrong, she's wrong, and never any explanation. I seem to get the same treatment from them. When I argue, I always make sure I have something to back myself with. But when I argue with them (and this goes for my dad especially), they tend to just throw out these wild arguments with nothing to support their case. And of course, even if I throw an amazing case out there with undeniable backing and evidence, because they are my parents, they will win by default. Can you tell I have plans for a career in law? It's something I excell in. Even when it comes to opinions, which was the case tonight. When I explained to them who I thought should be fired, I had firm reasoning and an undeniably good case. They even took to my side after I presented my argument. Unfortunately, Donald Trump didn't feel the same way. But who can blame him... he didn't hear what I had to say. Well, I'm sure I've bored you all significantly, so if you feel it necessary to find a gun to shoot yourself, or me, I'll let you go tend to that now. Au revoir, crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
18,February,2004
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People have no business being discontent. I believe that if someone is dissatisfied with their life, then it's their own damn fault. They can't go tossing blame every which way. So if something is wrong in your life, then fix it or quit complaining. Honestly. Even things that are out of your control are...technically...in your control. I suppose that's just the way I think...and that thinking really has shaped who I am. I guess I didn't always think like that. I always put some supreme power in control of my life and for some reason I kinda stayed in one place. I'm not saying that I lost faith...well, I guess I did...but it kinda took that for me to get back on track. On whatever track I'm running on. And I'm getting that faith back...but it's in my own way, on my own terms. The only way to be content with life is to live it on your own terms. As far as my life goes...I am content. I'm happy with the way it is, even if things don't always go right. There's the occasional dramatic moment that jumps in, but it's nothing I have to worry too much about. After all, that's life. Sometimes you have to grow up and realize that. So quit with the whining, people. Cheer up and get over it. Well...I've got mucho the homework to do. Ahh, my life is so crazy lately! ShEeSh I'm busy 24/7.... Farewell, crazies. Keep it upbeat.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
10,February,2004
|
Hmm...I've realized a pattern. Okay, so in life not everyone is going to like you, blah-de-blah get over and move on. But I've realized most people who don't like me are girls. Maybe it's because guys don't care enough to not like me, or because as girls...we're just like that. Whatever the reason, it's a pattern I've noticed. And I hold nothing against anyone who doesn't like me. It's not an issue really, I mean their impression of me is whatever they make of it and that's just that. Some people, unfortunately, take it too far. Like getting obsessed with hating me. Like getting other people to hate me and threaten me and blah blah blah. I don't care that people voice their opinions about not liking me. That's life, that's people, hell, I'd do the same thing. But quite frankly I just don't care enough about disliking people. If I don't like someone, I don't like them, and that's that. Done and done. Some people freak me out about it. It's too bad that some people care grudges too far. The majority of people can make the best of it, but some people have to go and be all psycho. That makes me uncomfortable. Other news: School is gay. I don't like it...I want to graduate and run far, far away. To New York City. I don't think I was meant for Keller. I don't think I was meant to be around here, to be stuck in a place that's so dull. I don't think I care for high school in general. I don't care for the drama or the rumors or the haters... why can't we live in a world where everyone just doesn't give a fuck? That would be such a lovely world. :) I hate the fact that I have this stupid blog. Like I have to be dramatic and thoughtful. I want to just put stupid shit in here. I'm sick of that blah-de-blah love-heartbreak-drama shit. I am quite a cynic tonight. Mostly because I'm done concerning myself with 90% of high school altogether. The only 10% I care to associate with are the crazies that don't bitch. I think I'm doing a good job so far. Lata crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
30,March,2004
|
Blah-de-blah Things are good. Things are never really bad. I was just a little irked the other night. I had some crazy dreams last night too. Really manic and psycho. It was kinda scary. I think they were all showing parts of my life though. First it was the parts of my life that I'm ashamed of...and there were no walls in my house and everyone could see in, and it was really messed up. Then I was in my car, and the brakes weren't working and I was going down this steep parking lot. Then I got out of the car and I was really scared and my mom was crying and she was like 'I should have believed you...I should have...I'm sorry...I love you' That was really messed up. Then I was at this...banquet of some sort. This one girl came up to me and started yelling at me because she said I was at some party and I was seducing her boyfriend. And I wasn't...and it didn't make any sense. And she was going psycho and everyone at the thing was staring at us...and I was trying to explain that it wasn't me because I wasn't even there. But someone had set me up and then this guy came around with a knife and I was trying to get away...etc. There were all these little details that encompassed every single worry or concern in my life. EVERY single thing. Every minor detail was somehow fit into this dream. It was really manic and crazy and I woke up very edgy. I still feel edgy. Like I'm on the rise to a climax in my life. I don't feel right anymore. I mean...I'm fine. But I feel on the edge. I think I need rest. I need to find some way of escaping...but my life is too busy to warrant that any time soon. I watched requiem for a dream tonight too. Haven't watched that in ages. Summer's really close and I'm not ready for it yet. I've got to start getting in order...and I might as well start right now. This very instant. I need my mom to call that phony doctor too and see why on earth he wants me to have this surgury and go on this stupid treatment for something that I don't even have. I need to start eating better and working out. I can start that now. I need to get through this last push of school, keep up and just get it out of the way so that I can enjoy my summer. I need to relax and party and have a good time. I'm going to go make a to-do list...and I'm actually gonna stick with it. Adios crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
25,March,2004
|
There's too much hate. All everyone does these days is hates. Random strangers hate me. People I've never talked to hate me. Hatred is so childish. And I'm so tired I can't handle it. I feel disappointed. Disappointed in myself. I feel really unstable. I think it's from lack of sleep, or frustration... Being nice to people really backfires sometimes. I go out of my way to just overwhelm people with kindness, and they stab me in the back...or in the chest. Or both. It really bothers me that so much effort can be so useless. At least I know that I'm the better person. I'm too good for some people's shit. I'm too good to lower myself to certain people. Quite honestly...in my opinion (which is always rights...and I'm really not joking either)...I'm just plain better than ALL of those people. The way I see it...anyone who is childish enough to hate me for no reason and hold a delusional grudge...is too far below me for me to acknowledge. I'm too good to consort with trashy people. Boy oh boy I sound like a conceited bitch. Good. Because with all the effort I have to put into to being nice to some people, and reaping no rewards...I have the right to be a bitch. And let's face it...I don't have to hold anything back about being slightly conceited...I don't walk around talking shit like I AM the shit...but I can justify who stands below me. Anyways I need to go to sleep...I can't take this anymore... G'night crazies.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
25,March,2004
|
Ahh today was kinda stupid and somewhat annoying. I was sick first of all. Then I had to go in for a sonogram and the 'doctor' was pissing me off. He told me that the sonogram was TOTALLY normal, and yet he wants to do a day surgury to diagnose me for something I KNOW THAT I DON'T HAVE. How on earth does it make any sense? And then it would require some six month treatment that would be like a shot every week and a daily pill. Then after the treatment, there's a good possiblity that I'd never be able to have kids. All for something I don't have. I mean, and it's completely obvious to me that I don't have it. When he told me about it and gave me all the info on it I was like 'We're talking about ME and MY symptoms, right?' And he was like 'yeah..' Oh well...he's retarded. No, I'm not pregnant you retarded douche-bags. Sorry...I'm not feeling good...I'm gonna go to bed now. Adios crazies and fools.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
23,March,2004
|
Oh boy. I am gonna drink myself silly this weekend. Awww buddy! Rofl. I'm such a loser. I went to World Market today and bought some food. Some good food, as opposed to the usual crap I eat. I cleaned out my car today, and I found alot of old things in there...made me reminisce a bit. *sigh* Some scary stuff in there...glad neither of parents cleaned my car out for me. Whew. Anyways...time to eat and then go rollerblading a bit. :) I haven't done that in a while. Peace crazies.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
22,March,2004
|
I am posting alot today, possibly because I'm bored. And ADD...so I can't finish my homework. Or because I only woke up 7 hours ago... I'm not a hypocrite...I'm a liar. Rofl...sad, but true. Some day my life will catch up with me...and I will be one screwed little chiquita. That will suck. If god be willing however...it won't ever occur. I was a bitch in 8th grade. Hahaha boy oh boy was I a little bitch. I was a good kid, but I was a bitch. I found a bunch of old conversations I had with people. I was blunt...ridiculously blunt. I'm glad I've acquired a bit more tact in the past 3/4 yrs. I was bold too...a fearless person...if I wanted something, I went straight for it. I wish I could be that bold again. I wonder what happened. Well I guess I went through a phase where I lost that. I'm getting it back...tactfully now, of course. I am such a bad kid. Couldn't really call me a kid though. I realized the other day that one of my ex's never realized how young I was. I mean, he knew, but I guess it never really hit him until I was joking about having 3 months until I'm finally 17. Then he was like 'omg. you ARE young.' Good. Maybe he'll go throw himself off of a bridge. I wish he would, stupid bastard. At least I'd never have to deal with him again. :) My God ADD sucks. I CAN'T FOCUS FOR MY LIFE. I swear...the most random people in the world hate my guts. It's 99.999% of the time people I don't know...or I'm somehow associated to them through other people, but I never actually talk to them. And the other .001% that hates me and actually knows me...well, honestly I can't think of anyone off the top of my head...but I would have had to do something really f-ing stupid. Or they are a bunch of pricks. I don't mean to sound like I'm perfect and if you know he you wouldn't hate me...because who knows. I'm just saying that it makes no sense. Oh, and a good number of people who hate me...hate me because of stupid rumors and stuff. Hahahaha they are the ones I'd love to beat senseless...because they have to be stupid to care about a bunch of made up shit. Oh...and 99.999999999999999999999999999999% of them are girls. Ahh well...the attention and conflict FUELS me. rofl...bring it. Can't focus can't focus...gahhhh. Alright crazies...enough for today.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
21,March,2004
|
The joy of life isn't finding pure complete happiness..it's knowing that you never will. What kind of life would it be if you did? I just felt that I'd speak the truth in a world where no one is satisfied. Satisfaction isn't perfection...it's the lack thereof. That's why I'm satisfied. Because my life isn't perfect. It's manic and stressful and crazy and wild and busy and insane...and it keeps me interested. I've realized I don't really spend much time talking about my day in here. I guess that's just not me. I can't sit here and tell you about all the events of my day. I'd rather tell you how they affect me. Some day, I'll probably change my views of life. I'll probably realize that I had just been led astray by struggle. Someday I'll wake up and come to some great epiphony. But today, I'll just keep living like I am...and on through tomorrow, if God be willing. 'Suffering is clinging in an impermanant world...' That may be one of the oldest truths out there, folks. Don't count on everything to always be there...don't count on tomorrow. In the Islam faith, it's common that people state that 'if God willing', they might do something, or might have tomorrow. I've been thinking about that alot, and about the previous quote from the Confucian religion, and it makes me think. Is Christianity the only religion that doesn't pay warrant to the fact that relying on what will happen or may happen is resting faith in uncertainty? Something to ponder, crazies.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
21,March,2004
|
I'm a lucky person. I'm really truly fortunate. Well, anyways...I finished my homework at 6:30 this morning and I felt really sick because of my allergies and the fact that I have no voice...so I slept. Until 4. Oh boy. 'Sunday was a day of rest, now it's one more day for progress, and we can't slow down, 'cuz more is best, it's all an endless process...' Boy is that ever true. I still haven't written this english paper that was due today. But I know what I'm writing about, and it's going to be...great. It's awesome stuff. Like my TAKS essay...boy oh boy I wish I had written that for something more important than some gay standardized test shit. Tic Tacs are addictive. The orange ones mostly. Yummy. Got my pictures developed yesterday...fantastic. Fantastic that SO MANY DIDN'T TURN OUT! Oh well, my mom still has to get the digital ones developed. That's good. I don't know how I have such great friends. They're not just those high school buddies that will party with you and hang out and chill and stuff. I mean, they do, but they're more than that. They'll watch my back, and I'll do the same for them in a sec. They kick some major ass. Boy summer is coming upon me fast. I can FEEL it on it's way. I'm really connected to the summer. It's MY season...I mean, I was born in summer, I grew up in summer, I've laughed in summer, I've loved in summer...I live for the summer. I'm definately gonna party lots this summer. I need to start getting a freakin' tan! And working out. God I suck. Ehh, I'll get to it...as for now...homework and I need to mess with this template cuz I have no links to my archives. Shine on, crazies.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
21,March,2004
|
Wow last night was so insane. I went to some party in Dallas with a a bunch of people I had just met. They had a ton of everclear jello shots, and I had 4 of em, and then I mixed some Hennessy and Hypnotiq (my favorite)...and drank some of that...I was like wtf I'm pretty fucked up. I had a tab too...that's when things really got fucked up. Some guy brought some shrooms over and said he'd give me some if I fucked him. Well...I had taken a tab earlier so...what do you think happened. Well I got the shrooms, and I'm savin' em for lata of course. He also gave me a bunch of ambien, which was pretty cool. Of course he bummed like 5 cigarettes off me, which kinda sucked. Then me and a few guys went down in this dude's basement and smoked a few bowls...that was aight. The rest of the night is pretty much a blur...but when I woke up...I was in this completely different house, laying in a bed with 3 guys I'd never seen before in my life. :-\ I'm not so sure about that. Well this morning, I felt like shit, so I took a couple codeines and now I'm feeling just fine. Hahahaha I hope you liked that story...it was complete and total BULLSHIT. Hahaha actually I didn't do much of anything last night. Rofl. Keep it real, crazies.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
20,March,2004
|
Well I got back from Europe/Africa on Wednesday. It was awesome. Honestly...totally amazing. And being so close to the bombings in Madrid...seeing all the candles in the train station and the streets...was quite humbling. Wednesday was also very humbling. Very awful, and it makes me wonder why such horrible things happen to such great people. I've been thinking about that alot over the past few days...and it really makes me sad to think about what a tragedy it was. I hate death. Death of cause by others...or by accidents. Like the deaths of those innocent people on the trains...like the death of my manager's 11 year old daughter in a car accident... I have a newspaper from Paris, and one from Madrid, that show pictures of the train accidents. The pictures that just kill me are the ones of the people. The newspaper from Paris showed these pictures of people...dead...lying in the destruction. And they are such normal people...they are all just like me. And it makes me scared to think that something like that could easily happen to myself, or the people I love and care about. It humbles me. Anyways...back to the trip. I have to say that the most unforgetable place we visited was Morocco. It was amazing. We met this guy who took us across the border from the spanish territory (while muslims were yelling stuff at us in arabic, and the guy was yelling back, and I was scared for my freaking life), and then we took a taxi into the city. Oh my dear God those cab drivers are insane psychos. So once we got to the city, we walked inside the city walls, where people set up markets along the narrow walkways. The walkways were paved between tall buildings, and the city was like a dream. It reminds me of some sort of Aladin-like, arabian night kind of place. I can't even describe it really...you'd have to see the pictures. And of course we stood out ALOT. The country is a monarchy, and it's 97% islam. Yeah....you try to blend in. We then went up to the palace in the midst of the city, and as we were up there, we got to hear one of the prayer calls over speakers in the city. Many people went running frantically to go pray. However, Morocco isn't an immensely strict country, so prayer isn't always a requirement (if you have an excuse). My parents used to live in Saudi Arabia, and the women were required to cover their entire faces, except for their eyes, whereas in Morocco the women typically only covered their heads, leaving their faces exposed. Also, in Saudi Arabia, during the 5 prayers in the day, everything would close, and prayer was strictly enforced. After that, our 'tour guide' took us up on the roof of this building and gave us this absolutely amazing view. I took lots of photos. We had a view of all the city, and the casbah, and far past even. Then we went back down inside the building, and he introduced us to this Moroccan carpet designer. We all sat and had tea (a Moroccan tradition), and he went through his carpet selling skatch (yeah...it's not a word...but i'm sure you get the idea so who cares...but if you use it I swear I will rip your bloody face off), and my parents 'discussed the price' of two carpets and raped the price down to less than a third of the original statement. Kick ass. Go mom. So then we went back outside and I bought some silk Moroccan scarves from a little boy. (Definately cheaper than shopping in Paris:-P) Then we had to get in a taxi and race back even faster than we had raced there to get back across the border and into another taxi so we wouldn't miss the last ferry back across the Strait of Gibralter to Spain. We made it by a matter of minutes. Sweet. So yes...the rest of the trip was awesome as well, but I just thought I'd share that part, because it was really something I'd never been around before. I mean, I've been to big cities before, like Paris and Madrid, and I'd been to Europe before, and I've been to countries where I don't speak the language. But Africa was something new, and a country that's 97% islam is also quite...different. It was a very culturally enriching experience. Well party time tonight cray-zayz. {crazies}
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
07,March,2004
|
Yay! I leave tomorrow for Europe. It's gonna be some good good times. I'm so excited! Hooray. Anyways...lots of crazy stuff going on lately. Lots. Some stuff makes me angry, some stuff makes me happy, some stuff makes me stressed, some stuff makes me nervous...some stuff makes me wanna change. I'm kinda scared. I've been like this before and...I just don't want to talk about it. Anyways...moving on before I depress myself the day before a great trip. I want the chance to make things right. Please...let me make things right. Okay...time to finish packing...getting my mind off worries... Whew. Okay. No stress. Calm. Everything's gonna be okay. Think about the trip, dammit! Alright crazies, see you in a week and a half. :)
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
06,March,2004
|
Ahh tonight was good times. Hilariousness, to be certain. Lots of good things in life. And then, as my night came to a close, something familiar came back into my life. It's my only complaint (besides school in general, which is a given). Some of you know what I mean. When you have that person in your life...that person that you can't live with, and you have to try to live without. And I know how to distance myself from that person. Honestly, I'd been kind of a bitch to that person (not that they didn't completely deserve it). But being like that is always just a phase. And tonight I let my guard down. I let myself smile and be friendly. I let myself sit down and have a conversation. And I was strong about it, and they noticed that. Every time he sees that I'm stronger without him, it draws him back. I don't want him back. I let him run his little 'scam' once, and I'd never go back. But I swear it's hard to doubt someone who can be so genuine. It's just hard to hate them. I have this inner resentment because I know that he's not who he pretends to be. It's like befriending a con-artist. How would you ever really know who they are? You wouldn't. You would only know who they present themselves to you as. I just need to prove that I'm stronger on my own. I need to keep standing my ground. I'm doing a good job. But I almost slid. Almost. I have to be better than that. And here is my lesson of the day: I've learned that you have to be a stronger person than people expect. You have to hold your ground, no matter what. People will only learn to respect you when they realize that you're independent; when they realize that you don't need them, and quite honestly, you don't want them either. I don't need anyone. Especially not those type of people. Of course...I still need YOU, crazies. :-P
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
01,March,2004
|
I think that everyone goes through the same phases in their teen years. Some people just take longer to go through them. Everyone who thinks that they are alone in unhappiness...you're not. Don't fool yourself by thinking that your situation is different. Give up the denial that no one suffers emotionally like you do. You aren't really suffering, you're just going through that stage. Honestly...you aren't that different...and you aren't that miserable. Another thing...I realized that there are different kinds of happiness that people experience. The happiness you experienced as a child is something you'll never experience again, so give up the search. When I was young, I was happy because I was naive and innocent. Now, I'm happy because I'm aware, and experienced in life. So if awareness and experience make me happier...I have nowhere to go but up. You have to learn to value everything. That's what makes you happy. Value who you are...don't rely so much on who you used to be. Probably the weirdest, dumbest conversation ever: LuCkY05106: i want to rub your arm full of shit LuCkY05106: hahahaahaha CrazyLikeTHAT 87: awwwww LuCkY05106: and poke it CrazyLikeTHAT 87: hahaha LuCkY05106: so the shit comes out CrazyLikeTHAT 87: and it will spew out shit CrazyLikeTHAT 87: hahaha LuCkY05106: hahahahahahhaa LuCkY05106: hahahahaha CrazyLikeTHAT 87: i sweat shit LuCkY05106: holy shit i love it CrazyLikeTHAT 87: haha shit LuCkY05106: haha CrazyLikeTHAT 87: IF YOU CUT ME I WILL BLEEEED SHIT LuCkY05106: hahahaha LuCkY05106: ewwww LuCkY05106: and it would smell CrazyLikeTHAT 87: aww...sick. LuCkY05106: ALL THE F-ING TIME CrazyLikeTHAT 87: haha yummy. omg why are we so INSANE?!?!? ...because we're cool, of course. Au revoir crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
01,March,2004
|
Yesterday and today were dramatic. Very dramatic. I did alot of crying, all out of the moment of course. And the stress of having high expectations. No, I'm not going to give them up. So my crying occured yesterday evening, this morning and this afternoon. It is done though. Sometimes stress just gets to me. I don't like to cry, but when I do, it's usually just a way of getting everything over and done with. But hey, at least it was more related to my future and stuff like that. I don't really cry over things. 99.99999999% of the times I cry, it's because I'm arguing with my parents, and I tend to get emotional, because well...when I argue with my dad, he acts like an asshole. Not a grown man asshole, but a childish narrow-minded asshole. He can say alot of things that I don't think a parent should ever say. I can really get torn apart by things he says. I just feel that sometimes he really doesn't care about anyone but himself. There are safe things parents can say when they argue...but when they completely degrade you...not only does it lack maturity...but to have a parent say those things...it kills you. And I have been frustrated with the way the rest of my family talks behind my back, and sort of exludes me from them. Last night my brother and I were sitting up at the dining room table doing homework and stuff...and then my parents were watching tv and they asked my brother to come and watch it with them. They didn't say a word to me. They didn't even acknowledge that I existed. And it was intentional, and I knew that...and I was just kinda sitting there with tears running down my face, and they just kept ignoring me. It can make a person feel dead. I know that sounds touchy and stupid, but the entire situation was just awful. There was mucho arguing last night...and this morning...and this afternoon, after 'school'. Obviously I didn't go to school. I went over to Bo's house instead. But yeah, I've been gay, emotional Shauna over the past two days. I'm such a lose. Ah well, at least I don't get emotional over teen drama shit, right? So life is still good...as long as I get my grades rescued. I have faith in myself. I can DO IT. If I try really really really really really really really really really hard. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* So anyways...I got ice cream today and life is good. Adios crazies.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
26,April,2004
|
Hey! Yeah, so It's been almost 2 weeks...I figured I'd update. I got a kitty on Thursday! She's so precious! Her name is Alexxis. I'm going to banquet on Saturday. That'll be interesting. This past Saturday = no bueno. Shauna got sick...from...well, u know. What else. Today I went and got sushi, and then went tanning, picked up my paycheck and blah. I'm at my final little push...2 more weeks and I can just chill out for a while. Sort of. All these AP tests are just the most stressful thing ever. But otherwise, everything seems to be running fairly smoothly. Oh, except work is gay. Haha, alright that's all for now. Keep on movin' crazies.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
15,April,2004
|
Hmm... Not much to say. I'm so busy...and yet bored at the same time. Not cool. Not cool. But good. Being busy is bueno. I really don't have anything exciting to say. I'm definately confused by a few minor, insignificant issues right now, but I'll figure them all out. They aren't anything important at all. Ah well...later. Salaam, crazies. Oh, if you think you can handle something slightly unconventional and not raise a big reaction (now I surely have everyone's attention), urlLink http://www.farfromordinary.blogspot.com
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
14,April,2004
|
My nail place is under new management. I miss the old people who did my nails, because I knew them pretty well, but I think these new people do a better job. Gah my life is so crazy. Some day when I'm much older I will write my twisted memoirs for you all to see. Boy would that have mixed results. Because no one can imagine just how crazy my life really is. Mostly because I'm having a hard time opening up to people. About certain things in my life. Certain aspects that I can't share with people. Not that it's like 'my life is a negative dark little hole where I hide in shame', but it's just crazy. CRAZY LIFE. And I love it. :) Haha. Wowza. Yeah. yEa!!!!!~ Don't try to understand me, it's alright. Ahhhh damn incoherence. Damn english outline. Damn french class and being really really really really really far behind because I'm a lazy, ADD dumbass. Lates crazies.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
13,April,2004
|
Oh my...so randomly hilarious in the most disturbing way (it's long too...kinda): Futant3: why don't you want him to kill himself CrazyLikeTHAT 87: b/c that would be sad CrazyLikeTHAT 87: or when he goes crazy and has a shootout at school CrazyLikeTHAT 87: i wanna be one of the people who isnt on the hit list Futant3: well i guess that makes sense :-CrazyLikeTHAT 87: lol Futant3: though i question if maybe the risk is worth the reward CrazyLikeTHAT 87: this is true. CrazyLikeTHAT 87: well he already annoys the hell out of me CrazyLikeTHAT 87: i dont think it'll get much worse Futant3: it could if you ever decided to start that prostitution business CrazyLikeTHAT 87: yeah, but i still have the right to deny customers who are a) women b) parapalegics and c) weird, annoying black men with a pubescent, pedophilic voice Futant3: rofl parapalegics have you no sympathy Futant3: and women i don't understand that one either Futant3: don't you just love how we talk about nothing all the time CrazyLikeTHAT 87: haha CrazyLikeTHAT 87: it amuses me Futant3: yes me as well Futant3: oh and i've decided that women are generally evil Futant3: though i'm most certainly not gay so its kinda strange how that works CrazyLikeTHAT 87: lol CrazyLikeTHAT 87: i understand CrazyLikeTHAT 87: men and inherently evil CrazyLikeTHAT 87: but i love fucking them. CrazyLikeTHAT 87: men are* Futant3: bit of a nympho aren't u CrazyLikeTHAT 87: haha CrazyLikeTHAT 87: never.....n..e..v..er... Futant3: i believes its....always...anytime...anything...anywhere CrazyLikeTHAT 87: shh...dont say that! it turns me on Futant3: so i should add to this list...faster...harder...longer CrazyLikeTHAT 87: STOP IT! STOP IT! that mouse is starting to look damn erotic Futant3: lolol Futant3: i don't know what you would do with a mouse but okay whatever floats your boat CrazyLikeTHAT 87: what, you think i'm tight or something? CrazyLikeTHAT 87: ooh dear god CrazyLikeTHAT 87: this has gone too far Futant3: is this a trick question Futant3: i see no good from answering that CrazyLikeTHAT 87: lolol Futant3: but the mouse i mean come on CrazyLikeTHAT 87: haha Futant3: its an awfully weird shape CrazyLikeTHAT 87: yeah, well i like it kinky what can i say Futant3: and with its tail hanging out :-P Futant3: kinky and maybe a little rough CrazyLikeTHAT 87: haha CrazyLikeTHAT 87: it does have the little rolly ball CrazyLikeTHAT 87: and the scroll button Futant3: oh god CrazyLikeTHAT 87: oh god is right CrazyLikeTHAT 87: ...oh god. CrazyLikeTHAT 87: no more. Futant3: mine is infrared so no little ball CrazyLikeTHAT 87: well have u ever shoved an infrared object up your ass? CrazyLikeTHAT 87: i hear it's quite rejuvinating Futant3: infrared?? no Futant3: lol Futant3: i'm more of an analog stick kinda guy Futant3: old joysticks that kind of stuff Futant3: there's a reason they are joy-sticks CrazyLikeTHAT 87: you know this whole conversation must go in my journal CrazyLikeTHAT 87: there is no hope. CrazyLikeTHAT 87: it is just too disturbing to leave be. Futant3: yea i thought it was headed that direction after the 'what, you think i'm tight or something?' CrazyLikeTHAT 87: haha CrazyLikeTHAT 87: oh dear. Futant3: and no i don't CrazyLikeTHAT 87: haha. i'm flattered. Haha. Oh my. Well, off to bed for me. Keep it insane crazies. Just not that insane.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
11,April,2004
|
Everything is changing lately. Everyone is drifting away sorta. I don't think I really like it. I'm sorta losing touch with things. But at the same time I feel so incredibly in-touch. I feel like I'm destined for greater things than where I'm at right now. 'Help me get out of here...the walls are closin' in...' I think all in all everything's going pretty good. I'm out living and having a good time, and I'm hardly concerned with petty issues. Just nothing...really great going on right now. Ah la de da whatever I'm gonna go be productive I guess. Later crazies.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
10,April,2004
|
Don't feel like partying tonight. I have a point to prove tomorrow night though, so I'll be drinking to my limit...and beyond. Tonight's been gay. Had to work, and it sucked. People are so dramatic and really really annoying. Not all people, just namely a certain portion. Went and got bbq with the manda and the brachel earlier today. Bueno bueno. I'm tired...and I don't feel like doing anything else tonight. I work at 6 tomorrow evening but I should get off by like 7 or 7:30, so that'll be cool. And Sunday night...ooooh buddy I'm gonna drink myself crazy. At least I'd better. Well crazies, I'll talk at ya later.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
01,April,2004
|
Ahhh whatever. Lata crazies.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
31,May,2004
|
Well. Things are good. They are normal and stable. But they always are on the outside. Oh well. I'm optimistic, and looking forward to this summer. Oh boy, I have so much to look forward to. Well, let's have a look shall we: My birthday is June 23rd. Warped Tour is June 26th. My parents are going out of town for a week some time this month. I've got many colleges to visit. I'm going to PA in July. The lake. Camping. Wakeboarding. Parties. Parties. Parties. Parties. Parties. Parties... You get the idea. Well well well. No work tomorrow. Amen. I'll I've done since school's out is worked and cleaned. And slept some. I wish I could control what people inhabited the earth. God that would be cool. Because they would all be stupid. And I would rule them. Bah hah. Those sorry sorry suckers. And I would let some of my friends be smart too. And I guess some old people could be smart as well. But the old people wouldn't be able to rule anyone, because they'd be crippled as punishment for have intelligence comparable to mine. Rofl. And I would have sex slaves. But none of them could be fertile (no worries, u know). And no people with STD's either. Rofl, WHAT A WORLD BABY! Haha yeah, you can all start bowing down now. G'night crazies, I'm out.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
29,May,2004
|
Well, it's summer again. Finally. I love summer. I feel very connected to summer. But every year, summer changes a little bit. True, it continues to give me insomnia, false hopes and pensive moments. But every year, it gets a little deeper. A little darker. Every year, there are a few more memories I'd like to forget. I miss being naive. Why is it that in society, being naive is looked at as being foolish, unintelligent, superficial? Being naive is a blessing. One I'm certainly not fortunate for the have. I think too much. It's taking too much energy. Time to relax. This life of yours, crazies, is a pensive waste.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
22,May,2004
|
'Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops...' *Someday I will make a bigger difference than anyone could ever imagine. I'm just waiting for my moment.* You know what I've realized? I did a great thing. I won over my enemies with unfaltering kindness. For months...I never sunk down to their level. I refused to fight back when they verbally attacked me. I stood strong, even when it was so tempting to fight. And for a while I was losing hope that I would ever accomplish anything out of it. But even through my doubt I never echoed a word of spite. And I've come to realize that...it worked. I feel like a stronger, better person from that. I used to think that just taking discriminations and accusations without fighting back would hurt my *oh so precious pride*, but in the end I feel much more proud than I ever would have. :) I kick ass. Haha 'The loss of friends, you didn't have...' Anyway, things are okay. Not to say that they are good, because they aren't. Life is adequate enough right now that I can wait things out...let things calm down (hopefully). Sort of. C'est la vie. Parfois, j'ai peur du futur...j'ai peur que ma vie devenira un grand disastre. Je dit souvent (et plus souvent je le pense): 'Ceci est ma destruction fantastique.' Et c'est vrai...Ma vie est ma destruction. C'est une drame...une drame fanastique. Et je deteste la drame. Mais JE SUIS une drame...Est-ce que je deteste moi-meme? Non...je deteste ma vie. It's sad really. Mais je ne le deteste que parfois. Okay...most a good amount of time. It just kind of comes and goes. It empties, refills, and cyles through and through. Okay, fing Physics. I hate Physics crazies. Don't you?
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
21,May,2004
|
*This is my 355th post. Take that you amateur bitches :-P* Today was another awful day. Everything just builds up. My emotions are like a bucket filling constantly with water. And every so often, when the water becomes too heavy and strenuous, the bucket tips over and it all pours out. I fell over today. I collapsed from the strain of containment. I curled up on the ground and I cried with every bit of energy I had. Everything just feels so hopeless. I knew it was coming. I just felt locked up in this miserable place. I am always locked up in that miserable place. Sometimes I wish it was easier to make people understand what I feel. I have trouble conveying my emotions sometimes. I just felt dead. As dead as one can feel and still be able to breathe and hold a pulse. There have been two times in my life that I have ever felt so dead. The first was the other week. The second was today. And while I was crying I just kept repeating 'Please give me strength so that I can get out of here.' There were no outbursts or confrontations with anyone that fueled my breakdown this time though. My heart just felt too weak to support everything. It's different than people think. People don't see how dark of a world this life can be. ONWARD. I really like this song: 'Your eyes tell the stories of a day you wish you could Recall the moments that once have Retract the footsteps that brought us to this favor I wouldn't ask this of you Good eye sniper I'll shoot you run The words you scribbled on the walls The loss of friends, you didn't have I'll call you when the time is right Are you in or are you out From them all to know the end of us all Run quick they're behind us Didn't think we'd ever make it This close to safety in one piece Now you want to kill me In the act of what could maybe Save us from sleep and what we are Bye, bye beautiful Don't bother to write Disturbed by your words and they're calling all cars Face step let down, face step...step down' -'A Favor House Atlantic' Coheed and Cambria Well, all for now crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
20,May,2004
|
People seem to construct more tunnels than mountains. People dig themselves holes far too often. People are their own downfall, and that's really depressing. Yes it is. People are depressing. Even when people are happy, they are depressing. Not the way they act, or carry themselves, but the things they say. It is the way that people make everything into such a facade. Tell me what you did yesterday. What you're going to do this weekend. Your favorite moment. Tell me all the things about your life. 'Nothing' is an impractical lie, and anything else is depressing. Even if yesterday was the best day of your life, it was depressing. Maybe not for you, maybe not for me (maybe for me?), but for someone. Something in everything we say is destructive. Something leaves a knot in someones stomach when you speak. Don't convince yourself that I'm preaching about self-hating, humanity-hating, or even hating you (far too much self consciousness/pompousness, though I too and victim of such self accusations). It's not about hate. I don't have hate (I would throw in some humourous little blurb of something that happened yesterday, but why waste the energy right?) for anything really. People are just depressing. Why? Because nothing can make a person happier than themselves. Other people are always a let down. All acts have the underlying purpose of one thing: self. The self is the only thing that humanity has to offer that wont depress you. When someone speaks, they depress you. Because they are themselves, and your own self wants to deny their relevance. No one wants to submit to the relevance of anything else but...what? Themselves. And that is why we all speak. Because when we speak we are reassuring ourselves. And we ramble on and on either with our without coherence, tactless or thoughtful: we will talk. Even the quiet ones who hardly utter a word; in their minds they speak. And why do the quiet ones seem so shy and reserved? It is their depression of listening to everyone else. A pitiful cycle. Language is the most self gratifying purpose mankind has ever proposed. 'Let us speak, and love the words we utter.' Depression is found in the words of others, and the cure is sought after in dumbfounded incoherence. Thanks crazies. I think I've completely lost it.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
17,May,2004
|
*~Je ne peut pas penser des mots pour dcrire a dont je me sens. Pour sentir comme je me sens, on doit tre un orage - un orage des motions - beaucoup d'motions, trs heureux, mais aussi malheureux. Ils soufflent comme le vent - toutes les places, parfois chaud, parfois froid, - ils changent toujours. Et toujours, ils dansent trs beaux, mais jamais avec soin. Mon orage - mes motions - c'est ma destruction. Ceci est ma destruction fantastique.~* A bit for all you linguistic people out there. I wrote it last week...I've been writing alot lately. Speaking of which: urlLink Close to Normal, But Far From Ordinary I've been posting in there lately. I've just had...alot to say. Alot to think about. You know. Well, I'm out of things to say ;) Keep it cool crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
11,May,2004
|
These are pretty cool, but they make me feel so small and insignificant (and I think I've visited more states than I marked...it's just so hard to remember): urlLink create your own visited country map or urlLink write about it on the open travel guide That's 9 countries: United States, Mexico, Netherlands Antilles, Ecuador, United Kingdom, Germany, France, Spain and Morocco. urlLink create your own personalized map of the USA or urlLink write about it on the open travel guide And that's 17 states: Arizona, Arkansas, California, Washington DC, Delaware, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Maryland, Nevada, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, Texas, Virginia and West Virginia. It's a start. Someday...we'll just see.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
09,May,2004
|
I have never felt as worthless as I do today. I have never given up like this before. But I've given up. I'm numb. I'm empty. I'm alone, and I'm hurting the people I love. I can't live like that. I can't live knowing that it's killing everyone else. I just don't feel anything. Except failure. I give up. I can't describe what it's like to feel so empty. I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to keep hurting people. I'm ruining my family. I'm tearing everyone apart and I just don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to have to wake up tomorrow morning. It would hurt too much. It would hurt everyone else. Nothing good can come out of my life if I can't cause anything good in anyone else's. I bring out something awful in people and it needs to go away. I need to go away. Please don't tell my secrets...even if I'm not around to stop you. Please don't cause people the pain of truthfulness. Sometimes not knowing the truth is the only thing that keeps a person alive. Don't forget the person I want to be. I don't mean to be the person I am. I don't want to be the person I am. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And if I do wake up tomorrow, please don't dwell on my darker moments. Please don't dwell on my pitfalls. Please don't remind me of the things I try to forget. Please help me. I can't....i just cant...please dont argue, dont yell...please...
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
22,June,2004
|
La la la la la. I don't think Zoloft really does anything. La la la la la. I wasn't being sarcastic either. I've seen no effects. Not that I expected to. So...I received a compliment the other day, and I thought that it was interestingly genuine, and quite possibly one of the best, most meaningful compliments I've ever received. Of course when I tell you all, you won't think it's that big of a deal. But I do. I was told I'm weird. And when I asked why, I was told this: People who don't really know me would probably tend to think I'm a bit stuck up because of the way I carry myself. I tend to carry myself at a higher regard and such. But when you get to know me, I'm 'really cool and down to earth'. I liked that. Why you ask? Because a) they said I was cool and down to earth, which is always complimentary, and b) because it's comforting to know that I carry myself a bit 'stuck up'. I would much much rather carry myself like I'm up on a pedestal than like I'm just your average girl. Because I could never ever ever ever ever ever settle for average. I could never live with keeping my head down, or even level for that matter. If you're ever going to make a difference, you have to be a little more than down to earth. Thank you, complimentor. My birthday is TOMORROW crazies!
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
20,June,2004
|
:) :) You all suck and I am freaking awesome. :) :) Blah blah so anyways work sucked major major major ass today. It was SOO GAY. You know, I start taking my Zoloft tomorrow...can you imagine...someone without depression on that stuff? I wonder what affect it's going to have on me. So yup yup...Umm...I guess things are fabulous right now. Sure. Why not. I was thinking yesterday and I was wondering why I evoke the emotions out of people that I do. I think it's because I'm bad ass. Rofl, okay, I sound so gay right now. Yada yada well fools I'm gonna go...my mommy and I are making a fruit pizza and I guess I should go put in my part of 'my mommy and I '. Over and out, crazies.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
19,June,2004
|
OH BY THE WAY YOU JERKFACES, I FORGOT SOMETHING: MY BIRTHDAY IS WEDNESDAY JUNE 23RD WHOOOO!! Just kidding, I love you crazies.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
18,June,2004
|
Things are so weird. Sheesh. I am one confused chica. I mean...what am I supposed to do when I'm being torn in a million-bazillion different directions? Break free? Not that any of this is negative. Certainly not. Sometimes I like being torn in several directions...it gives me choices and choices are what make life interesting. I think the worst of these directions...is the one that I've been holding on to for far too long. But now...I fear, I'm going to lose someone forever. What do you do when someone who has meant so much to you...just isn't there anymore? Do I say good-bye? What kind of goodbye is that? It's the kind of goodbye I've been trying to say for months...but haven't been able I guess. Maybe I'm not as strong as I like to pretend. All in all...everything is good. It's confusing and spontaneous and outrageous and a little odd...and that's just how I like it. (I'm going to miss you.) Coughcraziescough
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
18,June,2004
|
Yeah, so...post surgury appointment...went okay I suppose. Except they're putting me on allllll this medication. I have to go on Lupron Depot to get rid of the endometriosis, which is like a monthly shot, and it sort of makes you, well, menopausal...yeah, I know. Weird. Then I have to go on Actonel to counteract the bone loss from Lupron, and Zoloft to counteract the depression. Lovely, just lovely. And I'm supposed to get hot flashes n shit? Wtf. I thought you only had to go through that shit once in your life. Haha, ahh gayness. And my mom and I both got a good laugh (later) after my doctor was like 'you can't lay down for 30 minutes to an hour after you take Actonel because IT WILL BURN YOU'...Ah blah blah blah. Anyways, then I worked, and then I went and drank some. I have off today sooo...I think drinking is in store. Okay crazies, catch ya later.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
17,June,2004
|
Bored again. I have my post-surgury appointment in about an hour and a half. Joy. Oh I am in pain. I thought this surgury was to diminish such pain? Hmm. Nice try. Avec comme pour langage Rien qu'un battement aux cieux Le futur vers se dgage Du logis trs prcieux Aile tout bas la courrire Cet ventail si c'est lui Le mme par qui derriere Toi quelque miroir a lui Limpide(o va redescendre Pourchasse en chaque grain Un peu d'invisible cendre Seule me rendre chagrin) Toujours tel il apparaisse Entre tes mains sans paresse. 'ventail' - Mallarme Okay okay...time for me to be off, crazies.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
16,June,2004
|
Humm Humm...wrote something this morning. Not sure how good it is: Alone in a velvet breeze, Softly, sweetly stroking my veins Warm with vital serenity- Slowly suppressed by chills- Your fingers grazed my arms In laconic, lethargic, emotionless spirals Chills danced from your palms And lingered through my body- I watched in silence As storms brewed anxiously in a distance Far away I saw the suffering- Those hopeful dreams clouded in thunderous confusion And I glanced at you Though never quite looked over my shoulder- Just the knowledge of your presence Painted a picture my eyes studied in the dark Carefully I memorized lines across you Lines I knew far too well I knew, for tonight, no words would utter But in my mind I fashioned my thoughts into letters- I watch you my love -my hate- My disposition, remorse, regret- Your careless disregard for me Ensues a desire a lack of desire To spend one more minute in your arms For tonight I silence myself And for times ahead, I predict the same You my love my hate- My weakness, unhealthy desire- My carcinogenic habit I dont smoke- But I breathe you in into my veins- For another night Of an addiction I will not kick So instead, I silence myself...to you My lovely antagonist Hours pass in silence Anticipant of storm clouds Easing slowly into this uncomfortable quiet Soon I will make my retreat In a short time I will feel the comfort of loneliness -The relief of your absence- But the moments remaining of my stay Will undoubtedly be the loneliest of all.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
16,June,2004
|
Ahh. Pain. So I haven't told anyone yet, but the other night, I had this crazy dream. It was long and incoherent. First I was dating this *really* ugly guy, and it was freaking weird as hell. Like...it made no sense why I was dating him, I think it was out of pity, because I wasn't really hanging out with his friends, because they were all ugly, and I was being all pimpish and such, and yet I was dating this dirty dirty guy. And he didn't have a car, so I guess I was supposed to take him home, and we were both walking out to my car, with distance between us, and this guy was parked next to my car. So he opens the door and I lean in and kiss him, with my 'boyfriend' standing right there, looking destroyed. Bahahahahahaha......well shit, it didn't make me feel bad. I just kinda looked at him like it was time for him to run and that was that. Then me and someone else were like going back in time to all these fucked up events, all of which my life was in immediate danger. And I guess it was supposed to give me some understanding...but after a long long journey I suppose...I was angry. I was pissed off. Something about the past made me realize that...everything was shit. But it didn't make sense because I don't know what pissed me off. And I got back and all these people were happy to see me and I was like 'Yeah...YOU FUCKING SEE ME!' And I ran off all pissed off, full of rage and such. Stupid ass dream. So lots of crazy stuff has happened in the course of the past week. Oh, and I have this big problem with zoning out. Like, dangerous problem. Like big portions of events just disappear. I mean, we're talking running red lights and crazy shit. Not remembering what I'd been doing for 3 or 4 minutes prior to the current. You know what's good? When you wake up from a night of drinking, not really hungover...but really really freaking thirsty. And you go and you drink like 70 billion gallons of soda. God that's so good. Haha. Okay okay, I'm sorry...I quit. Until next time, crazies.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
14,June,2004
|
Blah blah. Well, I've got some time before I go out (like...an hour)...so I figured I would ramble a bit. I've made my summer reading list, it's pretty RAD, BITCHES! Yeah. Okay. I suck. I'm a sucky loser. I've almost finished House of Leaves , then I'll probably get Hamlet , and Cry, The Beloved Country out of the way for school. I've got to read Candide for french, and I'm gonna read Carnets by Saint-Exupery as well. Just to keep caught up in the language stuff. Then I figure I'll read The Picture of Dorian Gray , because well, it sounds good. And I picked out Bob Woodward's Shadow , because lets face it, keeping a head into politics is vital if you don't want to be labeled 'ignorant', and Woodward is the god of current events/political journalism. I wanted to pick up All The President's Men instead, but they didn't have it. So I settled. So that covers it. I guess I'll be pretty busy...I'm gonna have to balance the whole work/play/party thing. But umm...right now...I'd say it's time for the partying to commence. I've been reading all day. Okay, crazies, I'm out for the night.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
12,June,2004
|
*My stomach hurts.....yarrghhh this surgury gayness* Well well...Not sure why I'm posting. Probably because I'm just thinking to myself and rather than do that solely...I guess I'll ending up telling 500 billion people as well. Oh well...it's not like it's actually important anyway. I was just thinking about how I'm not really serious about anything. Except at home, where life is a drama, especially when living with a psychotic deranged idiot? Sometimes crazy people say things that make no sense...and they are obnoxious. They are repetitive, can't remember jack shit, get waaay too deep into things that just plain don't fucking matter....oh, like right now. Annoying me. Just now. Seriously, like the other day, he just goes off into this deep 'meaningful' shit (he'd had too much to drink too), and the rest of us, namely myself, were like 'umm...no, you deranged idiot, shut up and think on the normal.' I hate people like that who try to make every tiny little minute thing into something it's completely NOT. Overanalysis, or plain senselessness. I don't give a shit. It's like talking to a brick wall. A really really stupid brick wall. Like the dumbest, most stubborn brick wall ever. No matter how fucking stupid he is, he will never ever ever ever realize that some of the shit he says is fucking gay. Like comparing a kitten to the life of...me. I'm like 'hey dipshit, IT'S A FUCKING CAT. IT ACTS LIKE A FUCKING CAT, HOLY SHIT, MAYBE IT IS ONE!!!!!!!!!' Gah. I hate stupid people. Blah blah blah blah blah especially when they PISS ME OFF LIKE NONE OTHER. No one on earth can make me as mad as he does. No one. Everything he does, though I try to not let it get to me...PISSES ME OFF. Okay okay...maybe I'm just frustrated. Because it's hard to live a normal carefree life when you have someone constantly dragging you down and everyone else around them. Then he tells me everything I do and say makes him feel like shit...and he tries to get my mom to agree and she's like 'wtf...no...' but I guess he assumed she was lying...because that's the kind of deranged jackass he is so...whatever. Stupid stupid stupid. Screw it, I'm gonna go read or some shit. Later crazies.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
07,June,2004
|
Well. well. I'm kinda dizzy. So Thursday I had my pre-op, and of course, when they were taking my blood I started getting dizzy and I was just kinda like 'uh oh....' and passed out. When I woke up there were 3 nurses freaking out because I sort of had a seizure? They tested my blood sugar, and of course, it was low. My family has a history of diabetes, and I don't have it, but it's something I'm aware of and have to watch out for later in life. Ahh well, I was really lethargic dont-give-a-crap about it. It was funny how little I cared. Then I went and had my hair streaked RED over the BLACK I dyed it the day before. *sweet stuff* Okay, so yesterday I had my surgury. And yeah...I guess I'm okay except my stomach sorta hurts whenever the hydrocodone starts wearing off, and my shoulders hurt a bit from the CO2, and my throat is sore from the tube they put down it, and I have two incisions in my stomach, and I get dizzy when I sit or stand up, and it's kinda hard to do either with much ease....but other than that...I'm fine. Yeah...I guess I'd better go lay down again. LoL. Okay crazies, see you when I'm recovered (tomorrow most likely).
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
07,June,2004
|
Ehh. I have nothing to say. But I was bored. Yep...that's right... Okay...I need to go pick up my paycheck (money yeah), eat, and figure out something to do tonight. Yeah, and the 'rents are starting to lecture, as they previously swore they wouldn't do on a particular subject. I like how that whole 'lead by example' thing goes to hell when it comes to them. Assholes, sometimes. Hypocritical assholes. Busy me, crazies.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
06,June,2004
|
Well, screw the normal, good shit. It all just got ruined. Oh blah blah, I'm being dramatic...right. You can not imagine you FREAKIN' ANGRY I AM. God...but, this time, I have no one to be angry at but myself. I did this to myself, because I freaking suck and now I get to deal with the consequences. GOD, WHY?!? I hate it...I'm in this infallible good mood, and I walk in the door, and bam. It's like...couldn't the news wait for when things sucked? 65. That's all I have to say. 65. SIXTY FREAKIN' FIVE!! Screw it screw it. That's life, and it's my fault. Well, now that I'm on this whole ranting thing...I'll just let it out. You know what I hate? When people feel the need to announce to the world that THEY DON'T LIKE YOU. Guess what? No one gives a shit. I don't care who doesn't like me, unless they have a valid reason. But the truth...no one ever has a truly valid reason for hating anyone. Because the only people that give them reason to hate, they cling to. People are so weak. You hate the people you hardly know, that you never will know. Then what is this desire to announce it? My god, if I don't like someone, I don't go telling everyone. Stupid, childish little games people play. Oh well, only little people play little games, so that says alot for anyone who this so consequently refers to. No one in particular...everyone. Because every fool does it. I think it's pretty obvious when someone doesn't like me, but I prefer the demeanor of acting completely oblivious to it. 'Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.' Some people have no strategy in life. No account of their actions, not a whim as to how what they do will affect who they will become- where their successes (or lack thereof) will unveil. For most of you, I wish nothing but failure. Note that most people I wish such failure upon are probably too ignorant to read this anyway, so I suppose chances are, if you're reading this, then no harm done, all the more power to you. But to those of you who show no regard for your actions...please. Get a head on your fucking shoulders, grow up just a little bit quicker, and lose your ego/attitude/demeanor or whatever it is that makes you such a fucking dumbass. Ughh, now I'm stressed. This is overwhelming. God, I want to throw up. Well on to more ranting, since, well...Oh, I suppose I'll get over it. Pick up my pride and all the pieces that have shattered, and I'll get it over with. But for now, I just need to be really really pissed off. You know what else I hate? People who only come and go with your emotions. Not all...just the ones who are only there when you are at your lowest. I don't understand why people see those people as such blessings. Why do we feel so damn grateful for people who are there to support us when we fall down? That come to our side (though never in any other occasion) and guide us through our dark moments. They offer an ear, their advice, their support, when we are in trouble/trauma/drama... God, I hate those people. No one sees it...they just feed off of your weaknesses. Something inside them enjoys lifting you up, like they're some sort of hero. Everyone just wants to be important, and heroic. Please. Go save a fucking whale. They're like crutches. People who make it seem as though you NEED their words, their support and commitment to you, to make it through. But as soon as you're alright (sooner than later, people have such shifty moods...and drama is a facade that drifts in and out on a whim of attention), they disappear. Leave you to your lives as normal...they basically don't give a shit unless you're miserable. Stand on your own two feet, believe me, you'll need them if you ever want to walk alone. Then again, how few people can actually perform such a feat. To walk on one's own is..unimaginable. Because everyone has a crutch. Most people enjoy the comfort and support of a crowd, of their drama-heroes. Stand on your own. Don't praise the people who wipe your tears, but never share in your laughter. They're dark, mental, twisted fools who will never make much of themselves, but rather, feed off of the sadness of other. I suppose, all in all, my only complaint, really, besides (65) is that people are weak, foolish, blind, oblivious....oh and really blatantly stupid. It's all people. People people people. Ughh. Okay, it's not all people...it's just the ones who get in my way. And not all who I cross paths with...just the ones who can't think on their own or grow up or something. Yarghh. whyyyyy??? Okay okay okay...I'm sorry, I'm not so cheerful, not like I was this morning or this afternoon or this evening or right before I walked in the door. Alright I work tomorrow. And I've got lots of shit to worry about. GOD SOMETIMES THINGS JUST SUCK REALLY REALLY BAD. Well, crazies...be smart...and shut up in the theater okay?
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
05,June,2004
|
I have a feeling that my life is returning to a sense of being what I consider 'normal'. You know, less family drama, a bit more freedom, fewer obligations, less worries, fewer cares or concerns, a bit more spontaneous, a hell of a lot more fun/exciting/enthralling/engaging/interesting... yeah, that's what normal is for me I suppose. That's what I want at least. And that's what summer's about. It suddenly occured to me how fleeting our times together will be - how quickly they will expire - how soon we will be gone. None to worry, none to worry. Life is good, life is good. Oh baby. Okay, enough of this phrase repetition, you'd think I was singing a song. An obviously gay song. Oh wait, that gay song would be...my life..song? Haha I'm retarded. Live a bit more interesting, crazies.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
03,June,2004
|
:) Something interesting happened yesterday. I'm not sure if I should talk about it, but for some reason, although it would typically upset most people, and for a few others make them overjoyed :-\...it set me free somewhat. Free from the constraints that have been placed upon me. I'm free because I've got something to fight with. Everything can't be my fault anymore. I don't have to sit back and watch my heart wear and dissipate. NO MORE. I'm not sure whether I'm happy about it or not, needless to say it doesn't so much upset me. It's interesting. So things will get better. They've already begun to, infact. Here's a tip for all of you fools out there: If you can shrink down the credibility of your oppressive authority, you can weaken their power to enforce such authority. It's like that whole 'lead by example' thing. If your leaders make some seriously little follies, then hey, can't you do the same? If they express that you should do as they have done, then do so. But never, ever expose the truth until you have to. You have to undermine authority until they can catch YOU and expose YOU. Then you may expose them. Because, why would you want to throw something out on the floor that you could save for when you really really need it? Life is a card game. It does, I admit, have alot to do with the cards you are dealt. But it has much, much more to do with strategy. Play smart, crazies.
|
739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
30,July,2004
|
Current Song: Rascal Flatts - Feels Like Today (My jaw is sooo swolen and in soo much pain. I guess this is my punishment. I guess I should deal with it.) I owe many many people many many words: *~*~*~* You inspire me. Your optimism is bigger than life. You make the best out of everything. You amaze me, because you are stronger than anyone I know. I admire you. *~*~*~* I thought about you today. I thought about the last time I saw you. You were so full of energy. You criticized the way she dressed, and you joked sarcastically about it. But you didn't know you'd never see her again. Do you still have your energy? Do you still have your optimism? I pray that you never lose your spirit. Have you already? Don't dismay, dear...all will be okay. *~*~*~* You always put a smile on my face. You always cheer me up. You are always there for me, through good and bad. I am myself with you. I am honest with you. And honesty is so hard for me these days. Please don't ever ever fall out of touch. I just don't think I would be okay. *~*~*~* I'm sorry. It's been so long. I'm sorry. Don't rely on me. I'm horrible. I'm so sorry I make so many mistakes. I'd be surprised if you're still there for me... *~*~*~* For the record, I'm not trying to be emotional or depressing. This is just my outpouring. :) Ahhh work at 7 tomorrow. :-/ 'She left the suds in the bucket, and the clothes hangin' out on the line...' Tomorrow's gonna be good. If I remember to take some meds. Like my Actonel. And the Zoloft I haven't taken in many days. Oh dear. I called it an early night tonight so I can read and rest up. I need it. OOooOOooHHhhHH my jaw. Omfg.... so much awful pain. Okay time to read. CrAzIeS....;)
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
29,July,2004
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I looked back. I admit it. I reminisced. I have never felt so completely lost. Somewhere in the mess of life I lost something. We all lost something. Something big, something wonderful, something that I'm afraid none of us can replace. Somewhere in the drama, and the fun - the wild excitement - somewhere in all that we lost something. We've lost ourselves. We lost our spirits, our hearts, our minds...we all let go. What happened to us? We used to be so alive; so vibrant and so carefree. None of us are alive anymore. Not like before. Not like then. Everyone was so different. Now we're all different from one another, but all same unfortunately. We're nothing. I'm nothing. -Is that all you've got? -...I've got nothing. I hate us all. Because we never saw it coming. 'and we never planned on this disaster' God dammit it's true. I can't be this anymore. I can't be anything because I can't be who I once was. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* One more year. One more year. One more year. One more year. One more year. One more year. One more year. One more year. One more year. Then I can go. I can start over. God I want to start over. God I want to start over. I'm sick of who I am. In a year...in a year I start a new life. The life I left. i hate myself. i hate us all. we've all lost ourselves. don't reminisce crazies. it hurts.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
29,July,2004
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Current Song: Something Corporate - Fall (ghetto ass music, huh?) So blah blah blah I'm quite a bit hungover this morning. Cedar Hill guy is an asshole. He called me and bitched me out last night because I guess I'm a bitch. Okay he wins...I did ditch him twice. So there shall be no more of him....ahh tough shit I guess. I not = feel me so good. No that statement didn't make sense and was not coherent. I have to get my stupid shot today. Yarr yarr fucking yarr. Okay...I'm all out of things to say. find what you need, crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
29,July,2004
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Current Song: Less Than Jake - Plastic Cup Politics Well last night sucked lots and lots and lots. I figured out that something is not right. Someone is messing around in my trunk, and now I don't know if that bottle was spilled or is someone messed with it. I think my dad might know. Now you're wondering why he wouldn't say something to me? It's simple. He'll probably hide it from my mom until some day when I piss him off and he brings it all out. Now honestly...yes, that will suck. But let's not forget that I know things that could be revealed at such a time. Because the only way to win with parents is to invalidate their authority. Cha-ching. If you're lost...then it's all for the better. :) So I'm not really too worried. So last night also sucked because I was crawling out of my window in my room (please don't ask...) and my belly button ring got caught on the brick and it kinda stretched it and it started bleeding pretty hardcore. :( painful. Okay time to go. fear me crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
28,July,2004
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Current Song: Queen - Fat Bottomed Girls Omfg...I can not take this...what hell. Girls, all girls, let me warn you: menopause is hell. Hot flashes are a bitch. Especially when you are young. And have to go through it again in like 50 years. (If you're confused, it's this medication I'm on. Holy hell hot flashes are the worst thing ever.) Anyways, Thursday is official camping day. Yep yep excitement whoo hoooo. Ahh I have nothing else to say. Just wanted to bitch about my hot flashes. That is all. it's burnin' hot crazies...we're on fire.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
27,July,2004
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Current Song: A Perfect Circle - Thinking of You Ahhh my kitty is a crazy fool. Anyways...the past couple days=awesome!!! Sunday my mom and I went out to Conway, Arkansas to visit MY SCHOOOOL! aka Hendrix College. Monday I attended the summer preview day. Let me tell you this: I have fallen in love with Hendrix College. It is absolutely definately without a doubt where I want to attend next fall. The campus itself is STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL, the academic rigor is amazing, the social activities are exciting, the students are motivated, the professors are beyond-qualified and have a genuine interest in the well-being of the students, the scenery is breathtaking, hell, even the campus' cafeteria is award-winning. I'm going back in the fall to visit when the school is in session, sit in on a class, and spend the night on campus in the dorms. I'm going there. My doctor is an alumni of the school, and he offered to send a letter of recommendation. He's actually the one who brought more attention to the school as being a serious option. And I can see why he's so passionate about the place. Because it's a place to be passionate about. It's a place for passionate people. Really. Anyways, blah blah blah I could go on forever about it really, but I'll spare you. Yay, crazies!
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
24,July,2004
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Brar brar brar. Last night was pretty cool. I finally agreed to meet up with that Cedar Hill guy last night. Boy oh boy he is much hotter than I remember. Oh buddy oh buddy. Because I didn't really remember what he looked like, and then I was like 'oh yeah...damn he was hotter than I remembered.' So I guess I will have to make it a point to answer those phone calls more often and...hang out and shit. So last night was adventure night and even though it wasn't a super-insane outrageous adventure of death it was pretty cool. And I ended up in the back of a police vehicle. ;) Hahaha I'm so dumb. Keller is starting to feel more and more like a small town. Maybe it's because everywhere you turn you run into someone. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Yuuuuuup Okay okay I'm done that's enough. Oh oh I added commenting to my blog. Please feel free to use or abuse. blah blah crazies *boom*
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
23,July,2004
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Raaagfhfrefjsfsdf I hate being sick. I'm getting sicker too. And I sleep all f-ing day and all f-ing night and I do nothing but sleep. I think I have mono? Boy would that suck. Anyways, my school just called (Hendrix) to confirm my visit monday. Oh boy oh boy. I want this school year to just like...fly by. Because I'm ready to get away. I'm supposed to have a date tonight...but I don't know if I wanna go and spread my diseases and such. There is also a party tonight. Maybe I could just invite this guy (whatever-his-name-is-i-really-am-not-sure-but-hey-he's-hot-okay?) to this party. My God that boy called me about 5000034504304300 times yesterday. :- Blah blah blah I need a new job. Maybe I will go hunt for one today. In Southlake...so I won't end up with a job that's crappy like mine. Maybe I will go shopping while I'm down there too. :) It's a date...with myself. So last night we talked to this FRIKKIN KICK ASS COP in the Tom Thumb parking lot. He was cool as hell. He showed us all of his cool cop stuff in the back of his cop suv. Rofl, crazy awesome guy. Alright. Meet you there crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
22,July,2004
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He was something she could never understand. Others were simple-minded tools she would thumb through day after day, using and casually discarding by the break of light seeping under her door. But not him. He was a puzzle; a tireless enigma of a trackless mind fumbling in and out of expectation in a way that never ceased to amuse her. She could never predict what to expect from him. Once she had loved him. Now she simply fell victim to her own curiosity. What plans, what schemes could bury themselves in his actions? What motives lay behind those exotic eyes...and why did they seem to long for her? Why did feelings of love, or lust, or whatever feelings these were...why did they seem to linger in him? She...she was through with love. It was nothing more than the well-read novel of a child's fantasy, and she had long since grown. She had grown up, and no longer had time for the surrealism he danced in. Secretely she longed for one more dance. But perhaps this time she felt his absence. Perhaps this time her feelings were stronger than before. He used to tease her. He told her that someday he would leave. Perhaps this time he had. She followed I-35 southbound for hours that morning. The sun had not yet broken the day, but she could not stay for the others. They were nothing like him. As light began to scratch the surface of the sky, she glanced down the road before her. As the next exit approached she beared to the right, and turned around. He had not left her yet.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
20,July,2004
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:) My life is so fabulous. :) Lately things have been very very very very very very good. For...absolutely no reason. I got a bottle of Hpnotiq and that makes me oh so very very very very very very happy. This guy I met from Cedar Hill wants to hang out and drink it with me but I think this bottle is gonna be saved for the girls. Too bad I don't have any Hennessey to compliment it oh so nicely. :) Oh and I got my schedule, but I don't feel like posting it on here right now...so maybe later. It's a bitch though, I'll tell you that. :) Oh well. :) :) Crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
20,July,2004
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I am super sexified tonight. With nothing to do. I met a hot boy last night. At a gas station. What is it with gas stations? I swear they are like hot boy breeding grounds or something. I don't know if that makes sense. Anyways, this hot boy called me today, but I had left my phone at home and was out. So he said he'd call back later on the message. But has failed to do so as of yet. I thought it was funny that he called in the first place. Anyways...I guess I'll be going out here in a little bit. Check it crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
19,July,2004
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Yarrrrrrrrr Well well well... Things are good. Things are good. I feel like going on an adventure. Tonight. I have this really really awesome plan. And it's gonna be awesome. Ya heeaaaar me? :) Oops. Forgot my Actonel again. GOD DAMMIT. I'm supposed to take it on Sundays but yesterday as soon as I woke up I took my Zoloft and a Clarinex. Big no-no before taking Actonel. Then this morning I ate a donut as soon as I woke up. Another no-no. I just hate having to wake up once a week, be tired as hell, take that stupid pill with a full glass of water...and then I have to put everything on hold for 30 minutes. No eating, no drinking, no taking medicine, no laying down. For 30 minutes. So dumb. Well, I guess the new day for Actonel will have to be Tuesday. :- Whoops. And my counselor called this morning to tell me there was a conflict with my schedule. Grrrr. Comparative Government and French 5 are only offered at one time...the same time, of course. So I dropped Comparative Government. :( *tears* I actually wanted to take that freaking class. I mean seriously. I did. I wanna major in Political Science for Christ's sake...of course I wanted to take that class. But I also want to double major...in Political Science and International Relations. Yes. And it seems that although the 2 compliment each other quite nicely in the real world, they conflict with one another at f-ing Keller High School. Okay okay. Enough is enough. Oh oh. I burned this kick ass cd last night. It's all country songs about drinking. And I'm going to listen to it whenever I'm intoxicated. Heavily. And sing along and be merry. And I'll even listen to it when I'm sober. Bitches. Okay, crazies, ride em high.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
18,July,2004
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*yawn* I'm kinda sleepy. Bo called and woke me up at 9:30...so I got up and went over there and then decided to get donuts from Krispy Kreme...so I got donuts and went back to Bo's to eat the donuts and bam here I am. Thrilling story I must say. Surprisingly, as I have found, this summer has not let me down. It's been good...anti-dramatic, fun-loving, crazy...just a damn good summer. :) I :) Haha oh my oh my. My mood is just so carefree and I really really am enjoying it. But really, this summer has definately reached my expectations...in fact...summer always seems to meet my approval. But this summer has just had more spontanaeity. You know? Yeah. I'm rambling. Anyways, I've got some reading to do...and then some cleaning *maybe* and then some....partying? Yes yes...partying. As it should be. Alright crazies. Alright.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
17,July,2004
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Well... I don't know why I'm posting. I'm dying, so I guess this is my farewell. *coughcoughgagchokewheezecoughdyingnoises* I'm afraid I've contracted some fatal diseases. First, I was bit by a brown recluse. I developed a fatal rash on my arm and it is quickly worsening. Then, I contracted malaria. When I went to the doctor, to do testing for my fatal diseases, he discovered I have the very late stages of skin cancer...why it was not sooner diagnosed I am not sure. Well, they decided to do do further testing and discovered a malignant brain tumor lodged deep in my cranium, with no hope of operating. Now, you'd suppose that this much bad news in the course a day, would dampen my spirits, but I remained hopeful that perhaps I could pull through. That is, until they discovered I had SARS. Now now...SARS is not too deadly so I still kept my head high. Until this morning they told me that I am HIV positive...and it will soon evolve into full-blown AIDS. Okay, so my esteems have waivered a bit. Okay...I was pretty pissed. Then, they discovered I have herpes. Yeah. That's probably the biggest blow. In fact...that just sucks. But you know what really sucks? I missed this party last night. My life is freakin' over. .. .. .. .. .. I've nothing left crazies. Farewell:-P
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
15,July,2004
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Soo...*2 years bitches* As of yesterday. But I slept ALLLLLL DAYYYY yesterday and then went out, so I didn't get a chance to celebrate. Got my belly button pierced Tuesday. Awesome. Yes, I know. Now, need to get the 3rd hole in my right ear re-done. Yet again. Why does it ALWAYS close up?? Maybe it is retarded. Like you. Asshole. :) Wow my parents have some pretty gay cd's I am noticing. Except the Van Halen. Think I might be stealing that one right about...soon. Blllllaaaaaaaaaaahhhh I'm a crazy fool Somebody help me before I ..... ...... ....... ........ Well I'm not sure, but wtf I'll get back to you on that one, crazies. ;) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* (wtf is wrong with me?)
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
13,July,2004
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:) So...Fall Out Boy show was awesome. Except they are tight as hell on their f-ing guest list shit. They wouldn't even let Rachel in without paying. GAY. I mean, Less Than Jake let me and two other people in without a problem, or an ID check, let us talk to the band for a while, chill before the show...you know. But hey. It was still cool. Today I got my belly button pierced. Fun stuff. Oh, and I went out to eat with my dad and our waiter was really hot, and right before we left he looked over and winked at me. Oh sexy beast. I swear, I've developed this 'guy' mentality when it comes to...sex. Or just sexuality for that matter. Gender roles. It's like that 'I'd do him...and him...and him...oh he's hot, I'd probably do him too' attitude. Whatever, I'm stupid. LoL, make me shut up. I know you all want to. Tough shit though, huh? Aaaaannnnddd....forgot what else I had to say. Oh yes, I remember. People are so bitch-bitch-bitchy. :) Not people I hang out with...we're cool. I'm glad I don't know alot of bitch-bitch-bitchy people. I'd have to find a loaded gun. ....and gun laws are a bitch these days. Bang bang crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
11,July,2004
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Ugh. Pain. I wish I was sleeping right now...but I just took my Actonel so I can't lay down. And I can't take any pain medication. Damn you Actonel. I hate you so much. Don't get wrapped up in meaning. It'll never be clear if all you do is search. Live in the moment, for the moment. Understanding won't come to those who sit around waiting for it to arrive. It's okay. You don't have to care that much. I know it sounds like a senseless philosophy, but it sure can be a damn good one to live by. At least if you like to live with a little less weight on your shoulders. A little less burden of drama, I suppose. So this college search thing is going well. I'm pretty sure I've got my heart set on one school. Easily attainable, fairly affordable (given I get some pretty good scholarships/financial aid), and all around just the type of school I'm really looking for. Hendrix College in Arkansas. It's a small, private, liberal arts school with a population smaller than KHS (about 1100). For one, they offer both of my majors of interest (International Relations and Political Science), not to mention that their entire curriculum really focuses on my interests and the types of ideals that I hope to carry into a career someday. Something about that school just makes me...excited to head off next year. Blah. I've nothing more to say crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
10,July,2004
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Well...what to say. Trip to Pennsylvania has been cancelled/postponed until October. Eh. It happens I guess. On the other hand, that means I get to go to the Fall Out Boy show tomorrow night. And...I am the only damn person on the guest list for that show. That's right. Guest list, VIP, awesome shit. Because hey...I'm awesome. Whoo I'm excited. It's gonna be a damn good show. And if I have any trouble getting in, I'll just talk to the tour manager, and it's all good. Got the HOOK UP. And...I am hungry. Amazing. Really. Think it's time I go get some foooooood. Why do places close so early on Saturdays? It's like...hey...screw me over why don't you. Quite literally. Tomorrow night is gonna kick ass. Hunger is an abnormality, crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
05,July,2004
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*375th post* I've almost hit the two year mark. Ahh I hate all my medication. I'm not myself anymore. I'm someone else and I don't like her and neither does anyone else. This blows. Blah blah blah blah blah anyways I got very very drunk last night. And then I started throwing things? Don't ask me why, I'm telling you, I've never acted like that when I'm drunk. Must be the meds. And when I woke up this morning I threw up and my whole body of course aches sooooooooo bad because of my Actonel. Damn you Actonel and your pain inducing power. So I was 2 hours late to work, but only because I called in around 8 and Sherry said I could come in at 10. Then I left early too. Amen. Je ne me sens pas bien. I'm getting really really really really really sad lately. Like this Zoloft doesn't do shit. In fact it really just blows. I just...don't give a fuck anymore. I am going downhill. I'm such a wasteland. Okay okay. Leaving Friday. Tomorrow I meet this lady about some job opportunity she wants to offer me? I have no idea who she is or what it's about...but...okay? 7 pm. Can't forget. I need to wash my car really bad. It's awful and crazy. Rofl. Yup. Okay boys, that's it for now. carefully fall apart, crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
01,July,2004
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Wow. It's been a while. Crazy week or so I suppose. My birthday was last Wednesday. Good times good times. Umm...Warped Tour was Saturday. Awesome as usual. Even with the constant rain and such. I'm getting my belly button pierced tomorrow. And...I know what I want for my tattoo. But it's a surrrprrriiiseeee. :) Given that my dad doesn't back down on his word. But the piercing is definite. So to sum up things: Sex, drugs, and rock and roll. :-P Haha. Okay. Right. La la la nothing else to say really. Catch you foolish crazies later.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
09,August,2004
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*This is far too original to not post*: CrazyLikeTHAT 87: hooola Futant3: what is up CrazyLikeTHAT 87: nm but homework Futant3: that sounds orgasmic CrazyLikeTHAT 87: ohyes indeed Futant3: mmmmm Futant3: it's been a while since i had a really good homework orgasm CrazyLikeTHAT 87: lolol CrazyLikeTHAT 87: im a homework slut, what can i say. Futant3: yea you've fuck with just any subject Futant3: if you picked one you might get more respect CrazyLikeTHAT 87: yeah but i dont like to be tied down to just one area of interest CrazyLikeTHAT 87: i like to play the education fields. CrazyLikeTHAT 87: english is probly just bout the sexiest....best in the sack...but math is so assertive and structured... Futant3: haha Futant3: do you at least wait til you're in school? studying before school is a sin CrazyLikeTHAT 87: well im afraid i've sinned. english lured me in before it was time. Futant3: that's too bad but i'm sure the almighty teacher will forgive you CrazyLikeTHAT 87: lets hope so CrazyLikeTHAT 87: maybe if the almighty teacher forgives me i can go to college after i graduate Futant3: holy shit that was a stretch Futant3: but you could be right CrazyLikeTHAT 87: lol crazies please...give me some goddamn feedback. Does anyone care about political science and theories? Please, read my previous post...debate, agree, cuss me out, I don't give a fuck.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
08,August,2004
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In a provocative society as the one we live in today, how can one not see that the age of conservatism is quickly diminishing? Our culture has, over the past hundred years, and noteably further back in history, become more and more open-minded. Such a label as being 'open-minded' is in general association with liberalism in today's society. So, in correlation with this association, is conservatism close-minded? I would personally consider myself moderate to liberal; riding the fence while leaning to the left considerably. In no way a radical, but in no way conservative. So the question remains: is there room for conservatism in a liberal society? Conservatives would obviously argue that liberalism is simply one side of the fence, and that society itself can not be liberal. But how is society not liberal? Our world is relying more and more heavily on youth, change, and radical movement. Perhaps it would be easy to ramble with case after case, example after example as to why and how society is liberal. But I think the best example of society's leftism is in education. While visiting the college I plan to attend, a woman commented that the small, liberal arts college was 'a bit too liberal' for her and her daughters. I was taken back by her statement, because I wonder: how can education be too liberal? There are very few institutions of higher education that aren't leaning toward liberalism these days. And education should be open-minded, a bit radical, and, well, liberal. Education makes the generations, and generations form society. Even conservatives are becoming liberals. The far-right conservatism of the past really doesn't serve the same purpose (or even appropriateness) in society that it once did. Modern conservatism is fusing with moderation and blending with the open-mindedness of liberalism. For that matter, society as a whole is fusing into one giant, liberal community. Social acceptance of all issues is on the rise in the world today, from gay marriage to pro-choice to feminism. Truly, of course, no society can realistically stay too far left. We are not in an era where society is swinging left, but rather, an era where society is coming to a slow rest in the middle. In the past several hundred years we recovered from far right society, and are soon to peak far to the left, if we have not done so already. We have learned from the problems facing a radically conservative society and also from the problems facing a radically liberal society. Conservatism, to put it bluntly, is facing a sharp decline. And in our current course, liberalism may very well do the same. Our society is headed for moderation. So why would I spend my time contemplating the fact that society is headed in a general direction of balance and well-being? Because of exactly that. It is my theory that balance is the key for a completely distopian society. Our society, our economy, our future as a growing, excelling race is based upon radical distinction. Radical separation. The direction of restitution in society that we are heading for is in no way a positive middle ground. Balance in such a way would be the downfall of the economy, the downfall of productive society, and the downfall of an excelling race. So what is this liberal trying to say? Within the next 100 years, it is necessary for conservatism to make a rebound. Conservatism is vital to society. We must continue the swinging pendulum between leftism and rightism. For the sake of our economy, for the sake of our society, and for the sake of our race, radicalism is vital. -Shauna Zajac
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
03,August,2004
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Ahhh. I love life. It is so great. Haha so...weekendness. Friday Me, Manda, Rachel, Chad and Bryan went to Skate World because we kick ass obviously. I hadn't been there since 6th grade...and it actually was kinda fun. Saturday my mother and I went shopping. Now, I shall interrupt this review for a quick, embarrassing, retarded story: So my mom and I are shopping. And I was looking at shoes n such and I found this really cute pair of clear heels. If you know anything about me, I love heels. LOVE them. Clear ones especially. So I was like 'hey, I'm gonna try these on'...so I try them on but don't really walk around in them, just kinda stand and see how they fit. And I liked them mucho, so I bought them. Well when I got home I tried them on and I started to walk around and suddenly noticed something down at my feet: flashing lights. Yes...it is true....they fucking light up. I started cracking up, out of stupidity for buying them and not even reading the damn tag that says 'yes...they light up!' Ooooh so I have a certain return to make. Okay back to weekendness. Saturday evening I worked from 5-11, then went home and then to Steven's house. Well, my parents said I had to be home at 1:30 and well...that doesn't work for me. So I came home, yes, around 1:45 or so and 'went to bed'. AKA waited till about 2:45 and crawled out my window. Oh yeah, what a rebel. Rofl. It was kinda fun though. Knowing that it actually WORKS. I got home around 5:30. And so far so good. Now now, time for homework. Then I'm gonna read some. Special special awesome freakin great, crazies.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
03,August,2004
|
Ugh. Damn you Lupron Depot. F-ing damn you. My hot flashes are worsening. Today...yes first day of school, we'll get to that in a minute...every 20 minutes I was getting these damn hot flashes. It's almost embarrassing when everyone else is freezing and you're nearly sweating you're so hot. It's awful. Every 20 minutes. This is sooo awful. And to make things better...I have a panic disorder. Yes...yes...I'm freakin' falling apart. Endometriosis involving surgury and an assload of meds and then a panic disorder. Which I don't think I'll go on meds for unless I start getting more frequent panic attacks. Right now they aren't so bad...they're somewhat rare. I had one about two weeks ago though...what a bitch. So first day back for my last year of school. Hurry hurry let's get this shit over with. Then HENDRIX. Pray God. God willing. Please. God. So my classes this semester are...yes...kinda tough. But not impossible. English 4 AP Sociology (blow off) Calculus AB BC Microeconomics Next 9 weeks I have AP Psychology 2nd period and Macroeconomics 4th period. Okay crazies...live large.
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739,687 |
female
| 17 |
Student
|
Cancer
|
01,August,2004
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Current Song: Tool - Lateralus Lalalalalalala Hey I just found a really cute pair or earrings. Fun. Okay, so nothing too interesting going on...I have to work at 4 :( until 10 :( But umm...I have to read ALOT today. And tomorrow. And tomorrow I need to: go get my nails done go shopping go get my shot read some more read more do misc. things sulk over the last day of summer get my ass ready not quite sure what else... okay okay. You get the idea. So why is it that the Ft. Worth Star Telegram insists that every year they absolutely MUST publish a feature story about Keller being one of the first school districts in the state to go back to school. True it does help their case that this year they're opening several new schools and have about 1,600 new students entering the district, and that we have a new superintendent...but COME ON ALREADY! Everyone has already entertained this fact about Keller's early start a dozen times...do we need it again? Aren't there more interesting things going on in the world...in this country...in this area?...than Keller students going back to school? I guess not. Not for Keller students anyway. Okay, so I've entertained you all long enough. I quit. Far and gone,crazies.
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16,July,2004
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Hello! Jim Cruz here. Have you ever considered a Plan B? You know what I'm talking about...a plan for something to fall back on in case your main source of income is gone. Or a Plan B is a secondary stream of income to use to become financially free of debt when Plan A falls miserably short of doing the job. Let me share how I've come into my Plan B. It wasn't too long ago that my wife and I were in search of a good way to supplement our income. We felt that we should find a proven home-based business that could help us achieve more time and financial freedom in our lives. I was gasping for air...working 60 hours per week at my job. We didn't want hype or some risky 'get-rich-quick' start-up operation. We were just looking to have our lives back with a reliable income-generating business that we would enjoy doing. We worked several so-called 'home-based' businesses, but none of them really turned out promising. Either the products/services were overpriced or they were the classic MLM programs where a very few people made any money and everyone else got burned. We lost money in every single one. But the concept of earning a 'residual income' really appealed to us, so we kept on searching for the RIGHT opportunity. We finally found a way to make an ongoing, long-term residual income! Recently, a friend called us and shared information about the success he was having with this home-based business. He showed us a really different idea that was so simple, so refreshing, and it just made perfect sense. He told us about this company, it's successful track record, it's high quality products and services and the incredible customer loyalty -- people were purchasing every month at an incredible 95%+ re-order rate, month-after-month -- for years... even if they weren't involved in it as a business - THAT equates to a SOLID ONGOING INCOME. All this contributed to my friend's financial success along with many others on his team. He also showed us that in this business, there's: NO large investment NO inventory NO peddling products NO pick-ups or deliveries NO employees, overhead, or complicated paperwork Enjoy income tax benefits AND...NO financial risk! We were still skeptical, but made an appointment to get all the details. We were extremely impressed! This was exactly what we've been looking for, so we made an educated decision. We acted FAST! Needless to say, our decision to join this opportunity was the right choice. We are now earning a SOLID GROWING INCOME. It's definitely making a positive change in our lives and for many others as well. The dynamics of working with a motivated team, saving happy customers, and a solid company with a superior product line and ethics has made all the difference in the world. This company has become home to us. If you're considering a Plan B, take a a look at our business - it just makes complete sense. It's made a wonderful difference in my family's lives and my wife, Toni and I have found it to be THE PERFECT PLAN . Drop by our website and find out what we're up to: urlLink www.JimAndToni.biz Have you got a Plan B? What's yours or what do you want it to be? Jim
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30,July,2004
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i've attempted far too many times to write about my trip on thursday to urlLink raging waters , but really it boils down to these few things: -getting sun block in your eyes is one of the most painful experinces i've encountered in my whole life. it hurt more than having a baseball thrown at my arm by chone figgins. -mexican people really do swim in their clothes and some even swim in sexy, lacey black cammies. -raging waters has way better rides than urlLink wild rivers , but longer lines. -jail bait a hoy, yet ironically, i did not feel painfully old nor out of place at raging waters -the latina britney spears ('baby one more time' era) or latina teagan presely works as a lifeguard there. -the real life version of urlLink kip & lafawnduh were there and they popped each other's zits while in line or they were adult film stars or they were both and popped its each other backne. -44 oz white cherry flavored icees make you sick. -the ridve, 'the vortex' is basically what i assumed my birf was like. cold, dark, wet, and scary. at the end, i was struggling for air. -you pretty much need at 3 other people with you to have a full on 'raging' time. -there are bees every where, so you may want to rock a bee keeper's helmet. - urlLink thriller:a cruel picture , the sweedish revenage film that was 'homaged' in tarantino's bloody brilliant kill bill gets a limited dvd release. i got mine, so you better get yours cause i'm not the one to loan out movies. - urlLink new g-unit mix tape!!! featuring alot of stuff from the recently leaked young buck album and newest member of g-unit, game. i'm still waiting on the yayo mix tape. - urlLink 'right side of the bed' by arteyu is my new fav metalcore video. not only does it feature a paris hilton look alike with bad implants, but it features gratious HxC kids guitar riff finger thing and air guitar action as well as 'xxx' belt action. and finally, i saw the bee girl last night at dinner. shes' a waitress now and lives in my home town.
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29,July,2004
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two things that i've learned since my attendence of the angels/rangers game tonight: 1) don't fumble around with your picture phone while outfielder urlLink chone figgins is warming up because he'll probably throw a baseball in your direction and it'll smash into your left arm, like it did with me tonight. the ball bounced off my arm and into the stands and some dude just grabbed it. isn't there such a thing as common deceny amongst men over foul balls that destroy peoples arms? you would think that the dude seeing the ball bounced off my arm would give it to me, but no. the guy was a selfish asshole. it should be noted that figgins saw that i wasn't on the ball as well as potential mvp candiate, urlLink vladmir 'giggles' guerroro tossed me a ball to keep. so yeah, if you're gonna sit in the home run section, don't fuck around with your camera phone no matter how sexy it may be. and mine is pretty sexy. its got a picture of rachel bilson on it and a flaming lips song as its ringtone. so i have a large bump on my left arm; put a cold beer to reduce the swelling. second thing, i learned: urlLink carl's jr 's bbq chicken sandwich is amazing. going down to san diamas on thursday morning. hoping to run into urlLink bill & ted while i'm in town or at least see the coolest napolean of all time, napolean boner part. ps. fuck rollingstone.com's ringtone of usher's 'yeah'; so not worh 2 bucks. 'you have eyes like a gorillia'
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27,July,2004
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some may say, 'worst day ever' and those who say that are pretty fucking dead on in the description of tuesday for yours truly. after an 'mst3k' style viewing of disney's urlLink song of the south and the delightful emergence of 'moonwalking kitties' on monday night at hop's place, we all relunctly woke up at different times all through out the 5o'clock hour to embark on a journey to the ryan seacrest show to see ashlee simpson perform her hit single, 'pieces of me,' and you know, be apart of the scene. whatever scene that is, they did not want us to be apart of it. after a hellacious journey from the 57 to the 60 to the 101 during morning rush hour, we arrive at seacrest 8 in the morning. at this point, we thought we'd be safe, we'd get a spot inside, but no, no way jose. the line was already around the block. the line was mostly 12 year old girls in bright colors and flip flops. not to mention, girls wearing short skirts who had no business whatsoever wearing a skirt of such length. it was already a lost cause as myself and hollywood brown shuffled down the steps to get a spot in line. we should've cut our losts at that point, but what we would've gained is even more fun sitting on the 101 again, but maybe we'll get to hear stern talk about his message board again. so we waited and waited with inane chatter happening behind us. talk of the breast implants and the damage done to the cuticles from being a hair dresser interwoven with my talk of 'hand shakes and hand jobs' being given at the burger king across the street. the blistering heat destroyed our will and the smog from highland ave destroyed our lungs. we were like coppola and little by little, we went insane. well, me and hollywood. we began to wave at passing traffic and asking for the big rig drivers to honk their horn and being giddy like school children inbetween half hearted attempts at singing phoenix's 'everything is everything'. and of course, doing the kittie moonwalk into the intersection. so we got our walking papers from the audience cordinator and sat in the courtyard of the highland & hollywood complex in the shade. while we sat, i learned that reality tv isn't really that real. on seacrest, they were doing an 'ambush' makeover with the people from urlLink 'ambush makeover' . we sat and watched them rehearse the ambush of the make over victim a few times, then taped it; didn't work, and did another take. so guess what, kids, reality tv is not real. although, the guy from 'ambush makeover' looks like a fucking tomato in designer jeans in real life. a mini celebrity spilt of sorts went down today. a friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend. if britney & ashton can't make it, and if these kid can't make it, then what hope is there for love these days? we went down to amoeba, which so far has provided the only highlight. we spotted urlLink deputy dewey buying movie soundtracks on vinyl. finally found a copy of urlLink hollertonix 's amazing mix, 'never scared' and truffaut's urlLink shoot the piano player as well as one of the best albums of the year, 'alphabetical' by phoenix. so that was cool. then i come home and attempt to set up the media me plan on my new phone with even more disasterious results. yes, i have a picture phone, but i can not upload any pictures from it. so it's all one big mess; its all my fault and i'll be up early in the morning to fix all of my problems. uf, one of the worst days in recent memorey. at least, i have my urlLink charla tonight. [editor's note: as i wrote this, i watched the episode of seacrest in question and came to the conclusion that i wasn't missing that much, and dare i say this, ashlee simpson kinda sucked when she performed her hit single, 'pieces of me'. not to mention, the ap reports urlLink seacrest out! permantely i liked trl better anyways; urlLink vanessa minnillo , what a babe!]
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25,July,2004
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apparently, i think i'm better than everybody cause i'm from the oc, which couldn't be more further than the truth. if you knew me, really, really, really, really, really knew me, you would know that i think so less of myself because i live behind the orange curtain. sure, i may live a life style that is mildly atypical of a character from a hit urlLink television series that glamourizes my home, but i'm so far from it. sure, i wear urlLink paul frank shirts, but he's not my friend by any strencth of the imagination. so, i drive a car with a gps system, xm radio installed, leather seats and a in dash 6 disc cd changer; but its a fucking urlLink honda and its covered with bird shit and i can't even park it in a car port because every time i try i get a panic attack. all right, i have an am ex card, but the fact is, the only reason i have it, is so i can build a decent line of credit. my father, the banker explained this to me, so when i buy home, it'll be alot easier cause i'll have good credit . so if one is going to attack me becauses i live in orange county, they should think before they launch into some ill convinced attack. not to mention, one should not go up to a person and just touch their hair. its a thing called spacial issues. further more, the night in question had been the first night in nearly week that i left my house when it was going to the vet or going back in 15 minutes due to the health status of my dog, so being on the phone, to check in on my dog and to see if she's taken her meds, isn't being rude, its just being a cocerned pet owner. so in other words, if you think i'm an asshole because i'm more interested in my dog than you. then frankly, i want nothing to do with you and your shitty life style. with that off of my chest.... -young buck's solo debut, 'straight outta ca$hville' has leaked; you may find it urlLink here . here's the problem with the solo albums from the g-unit; both albums lack that perfect blend of gun raps and club anthems. lloyd banks wants to do club anthems, yet ends up sounding like method man on a couple of tracks and young buck wants to be exactly like 50, but his rhymes are transparent and seem to follow 50's blueprint. although, the track, 'bang bang' has a nice chipmunk soul sample of nancy sinatra's 'bang bang (my baby shot me down)'. - urlLink paris hilton pulls a 'kirsten dumpst' on nick carter . frankly who cares? we all knew that paris could do better than a pudgy boy member with hair like david la chappelle (the uncool chappelle). - urlLink the hives' new album, 'tryannosaurs hives' is the musical equilvent of urlLink oreos for me. they taste great when you first open them up, you can't stop eating them, but eventually, they get stale. so right now, i'm in the phase where i think the album is great, but ask me in a week or two from now, i'm probably not even listening to it anymore. - urlLink the either much loved or hated, depending upon the day of the week band, franz ferdinand is fixing to get automator on the fader for their next album personally, i just wish that automator would finish his solo album already or do another hip hop record. less rock, more kool keith! no release date for the new handsome boy modeling school effort, yet, but automator's rather lame team up with the bro from glassjaw, urlLink head automatica is touring with the cure this summer -robert rodigruez & frank miller's sin city is getting alot of good buzz at comic con this past weekend, urlLink here and urlLink here . even though, i've heard that the film is going to be probably the most literal comic book big screen adaptation; i'm exteremly disappointed to discover that even though her character in the comics is either buck naked or topless for a majority time, jessica alba will not. boo! side note: robin 'hollywood' brown attended comic con and saw urlLink the coreys on a smoke break. - urlLink catwoman has a disapointing openning weekend , who's surprised? -defamer urlLink tells us that brit brit is a major sneekzer , but then again, who's surprised? on friday night, i attended the rilo kiley record release show at the john anson ford amphitheater. random thoughts: -best outdoor venue for a show. there's no such as a bad thing as bad seat; its very iminate and casual. -rilo kiley had free face paintings, snow cones, and balloon animals. so just imagine all of the la hip kids eating snow cones and holding balloon doggies and dancing. -no 'the oc' kids spotted or at least i did not see any. apparently tobey magiure was there, i believe i'm at the point with tobey magiure where i can't recongize him unless he's wearing the spider man costume or next to kirsten dumpst, which is sad. i did see two thirds of the sexy band, urlLink the like ; although i always see their drummer at rilo kiley shows, so it doesn't count. -the napolean effect; yeah, scene kids are dressing like him now, cept they're not rocking the snow boots yet. -drinking some brews + ben gibbard acoustic=good times; although before i had my drink, i was on the verge of falling asleep during his set. everybody else woke up when jimmy tamborello and jenny lewis joined the stage for 'such great heights.' well, i assume that everybody was falling asleep during his set, but they probably weren't, if anything, rilo and death cab should probably tour together. -rilo kiley did alot of new songs; they're good. they did mostly jenny songs; only two blake songs. they sounded good and they could be, i shudder to say this, but they could be vh-1 darlings, which i wouldn't mind because the less 14 year old kids at shows, the better i feel. all ages show=i feel super old; 21+ shows=feel super young. if i did 'weird al' style paradoies, my new paradoy would be of the killers and their smash hit, 'indie rock n roll' cept mine would be 'indie rock moms' 'it's indie rock moms for me/its all i need'. urlLink lloyd: hip hop and r&b's answer to clay aiken or just an abuser of weird 'cher' esque vocal effects? ashlee simpson on ryan seacrest, tuesday afternoon. probably waking up at 5:30 in the morning to be the first line to get inside to see ashlee shake her ass and get softballs tossed at her. don't forget that one of the best albums of the year comes out this tuesday. its entitled, 'alphabetical' and its by urlLink phoenix . its as if brian wilson hung around with the band, air in france for a little while and decided to make a record.
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22,July,2004
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- urlLink blonde redhead are playing the henry fonda & glasshouse with urlLink the liars on november 19th, 20th, & 21st; on sale this saturday. -one of s.diego's few all ages venues, urlLink soma reports that everybody's former favorite band, urlLink the faint is hitting the road in november and word has it with urlLink tv on the radio ; if i go, i'm leaving after the faint does 'worked up so sexual' cause i'm claiming 'danny glover' status. - urlLink steve-o was on stern this morning; talked about how he parties with an sports illsturated swimsuit urlLink model and worked on a g unit mix tape with urlLink whoo kid! ; urlLink steve-o has bling and is doin' the thing -while the new interpol album has leaked and everybody has creamed their designer jeans over it; why hasn't the new urlLink blood brothers album leaked yet? or if it has, and you have a copy, i'd like to take a listen. - urlLink charla is the best thing about television right now i nearly threw up from laughing at this past week's episode when she got electricuted. although her team mate is a total bitch. - urlLink tom green & jerry spinger have aspirations of ripping off vh-1's best week ever . didn't they learn anything by checking out e!'s horrible urlLink what the? awards ?
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21,July,2004
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dr. chocolate from andy dick's brilliant show, 'the assitant,' on urlLink myspace y'all. so if you want to know which girl on the show andy dick slept with, she's a good source of answers. my personal opinion is the scarlett johansson-esque, urlLink melissa
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20,July,2004
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-pitchpork urlLink reports that 'seth cohen' rock poster kids death cab for cutie have plans to tour with pretty girls make graves in the fall. expect lots of guys wearing urlLink penguin shirts with their girlfriends who'll look as if urban outfitters threw up all over them; in other seth cohen rock news, urlLink postal service's cover of phil collins lands on the soundtrack to a lame josh hartnett film -everybody's favorite, but not mine, film, napolean dynamite urlLink gets a wider release and a new ending ; how about this instead, an explanation as to who the woman that showed up to uncle rico's van at the end or just a cohesive plot. -while i have not listened to all of ashlee simpson's album(its in the car), but i'll tell you this much, she's basically the disney channel's version of courtney love; she aspires to rock like pat bentar, but ends up sounding like the lady who sang 'bette davis eyes' doing blondie covers. she lost some cred cause she shouts out benji & joel from good charolette in the linear notes. its a good starting record for your 11 year old sister, you know if you want to be a rocker or something. - urlLink stern to be sued by clear channel for doing what they hired him to do. in other stern news, they're still not letting anybody else join urlLink their message board - urlLink stereogum shows us that brit-brit's boy toy has a pair of nikes for every day of the week laces sold separetly. -variety reports urlLink michael bay will produce a prequel to texas chainsaw massacre remake - urlLink ratatat recently released a remix album and its a very calming, relaxing hip hop album. if jay-z makes a comeback, he should get them to do a beat or two.
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20,July,2004
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urlLink shaq promises to bring the title to miami and talked about how he likes to be naked on the beach ; meanwhile the la lakers want to bring it back to '91 with the signing of the flopmeister general, urlLink vlade! . i'm going to miss shaq press conferences; for who else on the lakers is going to call the sacremento kings, 'the queens' and call himself, 'the nfl's best basketball player'. sadly, my dog has a golden band aid on her front paw and has been sleeping on a purple blanket. she's unknowningly repping the lakers and i'm not sure if she wants to. aicn has an excellent interview with zombie film demi god, george romero on his next zombie epic, land of the dead . it can be read urlLink here . apparently the budget for the new film is in the 'teens' of millions; i loved romero's thoughts on the recent urlLink dawn of the dead remake: 'a hot action flick'. urlLink the fever’s “gray ghost” which has to be one of the better music videos i’ve seen in a long time; not to mention, the song is super catchy and i feel utterly stupid for sleeping on urlLink the fever . they'll be in the orange county area on august 7th at urlLink the wee wee soaked heck hole with moving units. be there and feel really, really, really, really old. urlLink new beck in october with the dusties behind the boards ; when are we going to get a dust brothers solo album? or did that already come out and i totally slept on it? i hate the fact that i like the new hives song. its so catchy and sounds exactly like a who song. the company my father just started working for helps provide financing for indie films and he told me that they did urlLink the limey ; my father, easily the smartest man i know, he can hand million dollar loans, but can not make a mix tape. i love me alba zabla, but did the producers of fanstatic four completely miss out on the concept of kate busworth as sue storm?
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12,July,2004
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with my past weekend, i just wanted somebody to say that line to me or say it to somebody. the best dog ever, nelson has been in and out of the vet from some pretty bad health problems, but she's out to prove the vets wrong because she's getting better and fighting the good fight. alot of stress and tears have been shed; we were hoping for the best and expecting the worst. we got the best and we're going to cherish every day we got left with her. she's probably 13 years old (we got her at the pond and they had no clue as to her age) and basically, her age has finally caught up with her. robin brown, hops, and evelynn all paid a visit on saturday night, our darkest hours and cheered me and my mother up. sitting around the table, eating pie, and making jokes about fat kids named andy and how all they think is candy and watching the trash cinema classic, urlLink get over it (gratuious mila kunis & kirsten dunst bikini action as well as gratious sisquo reaction shot action, so sexy). i wished that my vet offered a frequent visitor like a sandwich shop may have. you know, you've gotten this many x-rays, and when you get your sixth one, its on the house; something like that. instead of that forced conversation about how they love your dog and want her to get better. as sick as it sounds, when we took her to the urgent care center for over night care, i prefer that vet beceause he was the most honest. he sat us down and basically said, that you know what, nelson may not make through the night, she's pretty sick as opposed to saying she's going to be normal. i prefer a sense of pemistic optimism. so please excuse my lack of updates. i have good reasons. -first to fight, formeley known as death from above has changed their name again, to urlLink DEATH FROM ABOVE 1979 ; i dunno, still sounds lame and as some say its shades remiscenet of fellow canadian rockers, urlLink sum41! . -defamer ran a piece of urlLink 'the oc' kids been spotted around la and warning everybody who attends an 'indie' show, will probably see them. i'm going to the rilo kiley show on friday night; i'll be on the prowl, but if i see rachel bilson, i'll probably cream my designer jeans and i'll have to tie a sweater around my waist, the rest of the night, such a good look, the look of a 30 year old woman with a big ass. although, what can be worst than ruining or enchancing your jeans because you see a goddness known as rachel b, is that you run into somebody who knows you from urlLink lsp like the two weeks you were on there and they strike up awkward convos with you in between bands. i usually say, 'no whammies' over and over again at rilo kiley shows and so far, its worked; well the one time, i did it. -speaking of the oc kids, i saw an interview with adam brody at the fox launch party, here's what trasnpered: reporter: so what's happening on this upcoming season of 'the oc'? brody: no fucking clue. i think that people love seth cohen, but just have a general disdain for adam brody. since, i'm on the morning shift of the nelson health care party plan, i will most likely not be one of the first 500 people to purchase ashlee simpson's hit album, 'autobiography' at the costa mesa best buy today and will not be able to make to the in store this coming sunday. oh well, i'm going to wake up at the crack of dawn to see my ash-ash on seacrest a week from today.
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12,July,2004
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its been a mean while, since i’ve sat down and wrote an epic. perhaps, i’ve become too consumed with partying with jessica alba, rachel bilson, and recently fired hair stylist and overall fonzie wanna be, brandon from urlLink “blow out” . my recent brush of fame as a political pundit for “on air with ryan seacrest”. a fleeting three minutes on a barely watched talk show unless you’re an eight year old girl with walls covered with pictures of clay aiken, can oddly enough open up alot of doors and land you alot of phone numbers. mandy moore’s number? got it. mischa barton? yup, i called her about some michael caine i had and she was all stoked, but her her line partner in crime was in rehab for an eating disorder; so she wasn’t really excited to play unless creepy mccreeperson aka my boyfriend came (boo!). its like i told robin brown before he left for a film festival, “just build your buzz, kid” and i took my own advice, turning a two minute segment on a low rated show into something out of a jay-z video directed by hype williams. lines, chrissy, crack pipes, beer, and sexy designer sunglasses. seriously, all maliboobs is a bunch of range rovers, beemers, and neon signs. newport is so much more sleazier. dr jerry buss is fucking up urlLink the lakers . to quote bill phalscke, “its not the heat, its the stupidity”. the canadian power duo, death from above has changed their name to urlLink first to fight ; pressure from the dfa record label and producing duo. i don’t know why people are flipping out like somebody who just saw fahrenheit 9/11 . they’re still going to sound like death from above and you can still call them death from above, but when you go buy their album, it’ll be in the f section. not to mention, they’re gonna have the same push behind them that made the stills such a clear channel darling (don’t front, indie103 is a clear channel owned station). first to fight is still pretty tough and essentially, first to fight is fight music. celebrity spotting: -kevin disco of everybody’s favorite purveyors of sass, urlLink dance disaster movement and 60 watt kid, was spotted at an undisclosed urban outfitters in the southern california area. he wasn’t buying clothes, he works there and has to listen to the killers all day, which can be a good or a bad thing, depending upon who you are. -oscar winning actress urlLink marisa tomei was slumming it on friday night at a bar in orange county with a hunky fire fighter. a friend of a friend refereed to tomei as “the girl from anger management” and not an oscar winner. -mischa barfin was spotted not once, but twice this past week. each time she was spotted, she had food in front of her, a salad. yet when pressed for questions, these people provided no answers to the pressing questions, “did she look like she was on the blow”. ashlee simpson in store appearance in orange county on july 25th at the best buy in costa mesa. its gonna be me and like 400 teenaged girls, rad.
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11,August,2004
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urlLink pitbull 's video for his single, 'culo,' the latina big ass anthem of the summer has to have the worst video since bon jovi's urlLink 'bad medicine' or at least its hip hop cousin. if you're gonna make a video for a song about big asses, then why not show big asses? walking by and seeing the hispanic jailbait across the street wash her car to this song would've been the best video ever. addittionally, when they play 'culo' on the radio, they don't say 'culo,' its just a whistle sound effect, yet on mtv, they do not censor the word. bizzare, bizzare. the compromising of urlLink jimmy kimmel has started this past week. everything that made his show a train wreck, a very watchable and enjoyable trainwreck has been removed and now kimmel's slowly becoming a soul less jay leno wanna be. gone is his desk chat; replaced by a monlogue, where he stands. not to mention, the removal of the co host so many months ago. if abc wanted jay leno, then why don't they go after ed hall, former leno announcer. urlLink defamer reports that soderbaugh was the one who fired ted griffin ; in other news, i've lost all respect for steven soderbaugh. first, he makes urlLink full frontal , then urlLink solaris and marries urlLink jules anser . sure full frontal was mildly excusable, and well, the less said about the boring mess known as solaris the best, but marrying jules anser has single handly ruined the e! channel, remember when she hosted 'wild on'? urlLink a hot, really needy many moore type has replaced urlLink the frat house babe on road rules 11: franzmania!
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10,August,2004
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i'm love in my new paul frank sweatshirt. its apart of the new fall line. i'd direct link it, but i want to get it on the low pro; yet here's the problem of purchasing a sweatshirt in the middle of august, urlLink the weather just doesn't want to play pool with you . october can't come soon enough! urlLink way to make your investment even more 'awful', if it all possible . rob reiner lost his edge a long, long, long time ago, not to mention an 'update' of urlLink the graduate . this film was destined to be a failure from the get go. yet here's the problem, they fire urlLink ted griffin for talking to his dp, urlLink ed lachman too much. i don't know, thats kind of a shitty reason to fire somebody and honestly, i'm looking at steven soderbaugh and george clooney, who are the producers of the film and wondering why didn't they defend their director or at least put up an effort to defend him. i don't know, i lost a bit of respect for them as producers. urlLink scissor sisters + kylie = where was this collaboartion, like two years ago? although, if anything like that fischerspooner remix comes out of this collabo, i'm there with belles on. urlLink some say 'girliest' tour of the fall; others say that not even the best ear plug known to man can prevent you from hearing all the screaming since when did she have some boobs? old news, but it has to be stated, that moving units album, 'dangerous dreams' kinda not worth the wait, but 'birds of prey' is excellent, its even better live, i went blind one time when they played it and got a bunch of riverside kids wet with my sweat during that one part where the song goes all crazy. urlLink collateral is probably my favorite film of the year, so far. its the best performance ever done by the city of los angeles.
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09,August,2004
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is it just me, but isn't urlLink garden state , basically a remake of urlLink harold & maude ? -emotionally numb males who can't communicate with their parents, but find love in the strangest of places; yeah, its basically harold & maude minus the groovy cat stevens soundtrack, yet replaced with drugs. urlLink stephen holden, you're being far too kind ; this is not a film on par with the graduate or american beauty . when i saw the film, i saw it with a bunch of scenesters, who've adopted 'napolean speak' as their official language so i was expecting them to bust out and dance during the movie whenever they played the shins or the postal service, yet alas, i was servely disappointed when they didn't dance at all.
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